0:00

Are you saying you faked with

0:02

me ?

0:02

Yeah , I

0:05

just can't say oh .

0:07

Oh , oh , so cool , I can't

0:09

wrong now you're single .

0:10

What do you know about sexual relations

0:12

? Is it true that if you don't use it

0:15

, you use it ?

0:16

I'm a little worried about being a slut . You're

0:18

listening to the Come With Us podcast Talking

0:21

the good , the kinky and the ugly . Here

0:23

are your hosts , beth and Erin

0:25

.

0:28

Hello , hello , hello . All you sexy poles

0:30

and poles , welcome to Come With Us podcast

0:32

. We know the sexy stuff matters

0:34

as much as the lovey-dovey stuff and we're here

0:37

to help you get all the pleasure you deserve

0:39

. Today we've got

0:41

a very special guest . I love it

0:43

. I mean , her nickname is Nookie , if that doesn't

0:45

give you some idea . This is a

0:47

very interesting woman with very

0:50

interesting stories . I think you're

0:52

going to find them quite entertaining . She's

0:54

already made me like just drop my

0:56

mouth in shock and surprise , so it's going to be

0:58

exciting Her name is . Heather

1:00

Klaus . I know

1:03

, right , exactly , it really is . So I'm

1:05

excited . But , yeah , she definitely surprised

1:07

me with something I'd never heard . So

1:12

it's Heather Klaus . Her friends call her Nookie

1:14

. Hopefully that's what we'll be able to do . She

1:16

is incredibly curious . Her

1:18

website is mycurioserlife

1:21

. She's an entrepreneur

1:23

, a lover of life , an avid

1:26

reader , a hiker , cancer

1:28

survivor , traveler , a

1:30

cook so much more

1:32

and she's got ADHD . And

1:35

she has written a book called Take no

1:37

Shit . Take no Shit All

1:39

About Setting Boundaries , which all

1:41

of us can learn a lot . So , thank

1:43

you , thank you , thank you , heather . I'm so glad

1:45

that you're here to join

1:47

us today . Erin and I are really looking

1:49

forward to this . And , oh my goodness

1:52

, you've also got a website that are dating

1:54

Kinky that we're going to talk about too . But so much that

1:57

you've done . But you're

1:59

not a licensed therapist , you're a coach

2:01

like me , right ? Yeah ?

2:04

yeah , I think that . I mean

2:06

, from my perspective , therapy is

2:09

like . It requires

2:12

somebody who has the knowledge of like , helping

2:14

you put the pieces back together from your

2:16

past . Right , like , and I'm not pretending

2:19

to do that . What I'm really

2:21

good at is looking at

2:23

who you want to be in the future and

2:26

those steps to get there

2:28

.

2:30

Oh , I love it Alright . Well , so

2:32

tell me , you didn't just come out of college

2:34

and decide to be a therapist , like some people do . So

2:37

how the hell did you get from I

2:39

don't know from there to here ? Let's

2:42

just dive in what did you

2:44

do ?

2:44

Did you go to ?

2:45

college . What did you study ?

2:47

Okay , so there we go . So

2:50

I went to college

2:52

, but prior to that I dropped out

2:54

of high school and I

2:57

hitchhiked across the country and joined the carnival

2:59

. Oh my

3:01

gosh , I

3:05

traveled with the carnival for a season

3:07

and then

3:09

I came back and I

3:11

went to work in a kitchen and I thought I was

3:13

going to be a chef for a while , and

3:15

then I went to school for graphics

3:18

, art and design and fashion design

3:20

, and then I dropped out

3:22

of college because I'd started a business

3:25

teaching

3:27

people online . This was back in 1996

3:30

. I wrote a book and I started

3:32

a business teaching people online , all about

3:34

sewing and fashion design , and

3:36

I did that for 10 years

3:39

while I

3:41

had a

3:45

marriage that ended up being abusive

3:47

and so , coming

3:49

out of that , I started

3:52

looking for ways to like not do that

3:54

again . Zero

3:58

out of five stars would not recommend

4:00

. Found another relationship

4:03

went exactly the opposite

4:06

was bored to tears

4:08

.

4:10

I call it BMS boring married

4:12

sex .

4:13

Yeah , yeah , and it wasn't . You know , we didn't get

4:15

married or anything , and he was an amazing human

4:17

, but not

4:20

adventurous in the ways that I'm adventurous

4:22

and not really like willing to go out and

4:24

squeeze the juice out of life .

4:28

I've only known you a short period of time

4:30

, right , like 30 minutes , right Except

4:32

that I've been reading about you and started your book . But

4:35

what are you not adventurous about

4:37

?

4:38

Radishes . Okay

4:41

, I can't get rid of that . Not

4:43

adventurous there at all . There

4:45

you go . Okay , there's

4:47

other things I mean like there's . I

4:50

think we all have our hard limits right , our non-compromisables

4:53

. There are certain things that I am just not

4:55

even interested in , but most

4:58

of life I'm like okay , you know , I'll

5:00

try it once , twice , maybe even twice

5:02

, and see how

5:05

it happens . Just this morning we were talking in the

5:07

gym about skydiving

5:09

. I love skydiving , I've

5:11

done it twice and I'd like to do it again . You

5:14

know things like that .

5:15

Yeah , I feel like we have

5:18

a lot in common , quite frankly , not

5:20

to mention the ADHD , which we're also going to talk

5:23

about . But , yeah

5:25

, okay , this is good , and I always wanted to join

5:27

the circus .

5:28

It was , I mean , and so like I didn't actually

5:31

, like I wasn't upclass , like the circus

5:33

, I was in the carnival , like the

5:35

little you know , like county fairs

5:37

and stuff , the people that go to those and

5:39

set up the rides and run the games and stuff

5:42

. Oh wow , that's a much harder

5:44

life , even , and honestly , like I

5:46

was 15 when I joined I turned

5:48

16 in the carnival I thought

5:51

this is going to be like a big party

5:53

, right , like this is . You know , I was going to be on

5:55

the road , I was going to be so cool

5:57

. I was the youngest , I

5:59

was the only girl and

6:01

I ended up with 22 older brothers

6:04

.

6:05

Wow .

6:06

Having to call my mom every Sunday just

6:08

to check in . They made me call

6:10

her before I got a tattoo and she said

6:12

, no , like it was , like I

6:15

had fun , don't get me wrong . But it was not

6:17

the fun I thought I was going to be having being

6:19

on the road with , like you know , the wild

6:21

boys , because the wild boys

6:24

took it upon themselves to make sure that I didn't come

6:26

to any harm , which

6:28

is good in retrospect . At the

6:30

time I was a little disappointed , right , you know

6:32

. But now I look back and I'm like you

6:34

know I have lived a blessed life because much

6:36

, much awful things could have happened .

6:39

Yeah , you could have woken up without , like , a kidney or

6:41

something like that just randomly .

6:43

Without a life . I don't know they made you call your mom .

6:45

What did your ?

6:45

mom think or say when you said

6:48

hey , I'm joining the carnival , see ya .

6:50

So it didn't quite happen like that . See

6:52

, what had to happen was so

6:57

we had moved and

6:59

I ended up in a

7:01

new school in Iowa

7:03

and all of a sudden , like I was retaking

7:06

classes I'd already taken , they

7:08

had no method for me to step

7:10

forward and I was bored

7:12

to tears . So I started skipping

7:14

school and hanging out at the public library and

7:18

eventually I got kicked out of school because I wasn't there

7:20

enough .

7:22

And .

7:22

I was like , okay , this is boring , so let's go

7:24

adventuring . So Fred and I put our

7:26

heads together like let's hitchhike across the country

7:29

. So we started doing that and

7:31

we ended up in this little town .

7:32

Your parents were quiet , or did you just run ?

7:33

away . So I ran

7:36

away . I mean , I didn't mean to run away

7:38

, I was just . I

7:42

wasn't like running away from my

7:44

mother .

7:45

My parents were like , but I was just

7:48

looking for adventure .

7:50

Weren't you terrified hitchhiking ?

7:52

Like was your friend a boy or girl A

7:54

?

7:54

boy , but also

7:57

so this comes into like

7:59

mental health and stuff . So

8:01

I was diagnosed some years ago with

8:04

ASPD , which

8:06

these days I would probably

8:08

be put more into the EDD

8:11

empathy deficit disorder category

8:13

. So like the same sort of ranges

8:17

like sociopaths and psychopaths , I

8:19

don't have natural empathy , wow

8:21

. So I also did not

8:23

have healthy fear reactions

8:26

to things .

8:27

Yes , okay , that makes sense , cause

8:30

you're smart , and , yeah , for a

8:33

young or old .

8:33

And yet naive . I was definitely naive

8:36

, for sure , like , but

8:38

again , let a charmed life , no

8:40

harm , came to me , not good , not good . We

8:43

ended up in a town , in

8:45

fact the town that I used to live in , and

8:48

he met my best friend in that

8:50

town and they got all Twitter pated and

8:52

, oh , I love you , I love you too . And I'm like , oh , this

8:54

is barring . You know , like I

8:57

wanted to be adventurous , like I wanted to

8:59

be traveling , I didn't want to be like sitting watching

9:01

these two smooch . So

9:03

the carnival had come to town and

9:05

I'd known some of them for years

9:07

cause we'd gone to the carnival in that

9:09

town for years

9:12

, right , like , and they knew my

9:14

mom because she had taken

9:16

me to the carnival for years . And

9:18

so I'm like , hey , I'm taking off with y'all

9:21

. And then they said , well , you have

9:23

to call your mom . And

9:25

that was like , oh God , I've got to call

9:27

my mom . And so my mom had

9:30

been like this super creative

9:32

, artistic personality who had

9:35

gotten adopted into like a very type A

9:37

science rigid household

9:39

, and so she had

9:42

kind of installed in me like

9:44

independence 301

9:48

and radical creativity

9:51

2.7 , and be yourself

9:54

, you know , 7.3 . And

9:56

so our negotiation

9:58

was I called her every Sunday

10:00

to make sure you know . Let her know I'm not

10:03

dead yet , and then

10:05

you know she

10:07

didn't send the police after me

10:09

.

10:09

So was that the first time you had talked to your mom since

10:12

you left home ?

10:13

Yeah , which is why

10:15

I was like , ooh , this is not fun .

10:18

Did she have the cops looking for you where you

10:20

were supposed to be living in Iowa ? I

10:23

was yes , so

10:25

she did call the cops . She didn't just like look and like

10:27

, oh my daughter's not well . Well , she didn't

10:29

send them after me .

10:31

Like once we negotiated . She did not send

10:33

them after me , she did .

10:36

But like how long were you gone before you spoke ? Like

10:38

how many days were you away from home without

10:40

your mom knowing where you were and where

10:42

you disappeared to , before you

10:44

talked to her ?

10:46

Maybe a month .

10:48

Holy shit . So she just assumed you're dead

10:50

.

10:51

Well , no , actually my mother

10:54

, knowing me , assumed

10:56

that I'd done something exactly like what I'd

10:58

done , like I'd never done it before

11:00

. Holy crap , no way she was definitely

11:03

not taken by surprise .

11:05

Erin is very glad he doesn't have children right now

11:07

.

11:08

Yeah , no , no , no , because I

11:10

wish , if I had a child who's

11:12

never tried to pull , that they

11:16

wouldn't be alive Like yeah . I

11:18

know , like I said , I also do not have children

11:21

.

11:21

Yeah , right , I don't need to pass this

11:23

genetic Well , everybody

11:26

in my generation , my family .

11:27

So I was always like the almost

11:30

adult that had to look after

11:32

them , so like when all the adult wanted to go

11:34

and have fun and stuff , they're like , oh , just leave

11:36

Erin in charge . So like I look at my little sister

11:38

, who's 10 years younger than me , I mean she's a grown woman . But

11:41

last summer she was like all right , I'm

11:43

going to go back to Europe this time , but I'm going to go by myself

11:45

. I'm going to be gone for two and a half months . I'm just going to figure

11:48

it out as I go . And I was like the fuck you are

11:50

. And so it

11:52

took a talk between me and her and

11:54

we came to this agreement you get taken

11:56

while you're there , I will hunt you down , I

11:58

will take you back and then I will bring you to the States and kill

12:00

you myself . And she was like all right , that's fair . And

12:05

so like , yeah , no , I

12:07

, oh , my god . Like

12:09

I remember being a kid , and telling my parents I'm

12:11

not happy , I'm going to run away , and they were like , cool , I'll help you

12:13

pack . And they would call my bluff

12:15

. And so there were times where I would just disappear

12:17

for like two hours and then realize I'm

12:19

hungry and go back home .

12:21

Yeah , and I see I never threatened anything like

12:23

that .

12:24

Yeah , that's , crazy Like why would

12:26

I ? Just diss it Like having a child

12:28

that you think is probably bored at school . You know

12:30

having trouble , but not out of like

12:32

, oh , you're a troublemaker . You're just kind of there's

12:35

nothing for you and then just going oh

12:37

well , she's gone for a month , fuck it . You know

12:39

she's 15 and she'll figure it out

12:41

Like Jesus .

12:43

Yeah , it was . It was definitely

12:45

looking back at the time it all made

12:47

so much sense . Yes , I do know that

12:49

feeling you know , and looking back , I'm

12:51

like this is crazy

12:53

, and yet for

12:55

me it was

12:57

the , the norm , perfect

12:59

, like set of events

13:01

, like again , my life has been

13:04

incredibly charmed and blessed and

13:06

I have done amazing things , and

13:08

sometimes I even forget all the things I've done

13:10

and then they come up and I'm

13:12

like , oh yeah , I did that . That was so

13:14

cool .

13:16

So what can you ? Did you see any

13:18

or remember any crazy stories from

13:20

your carnival times ? And ? And

13:22

so we're going to move on because we're clearly we could get

13:24

bogged down these weeks . Yeah , one of my favorite

13:26

things was .

13:28

There were two , two parts to this . So one of it

13:30

was whenever I ran the rides around

13:32

the not the rides , the games whenever I ran the games

13:35

I would help set up and tear down the rides and then I ran

13:37

the games during the day , and whenever I would run

13:39

the games I got

13:41

a cut of however

13:43

much you know I sold . And

13:45

so , like the boys the townies

13:47

, as we called them , would like to hang around because

13:49

you know 15 , 16 year old girl

13:52

, you know whatever . And so I got really

13:54

wise really quickly and I was like , oh

13:56

, you can't hang out here , my boss will get upset

13:58

with me unless you're playing the game they

14:03

did . And so whenever anyone

14:05

would ask me out , I

14:09

would say , ok , well , you have to check with Marshall

14:11

first , and Marshall was kind of like my designated

14:14

older brother and he would sort

14:16

of like set things up , and then when the

14:18

townie came to pick me up to

14:20

take me on a date , he would end

14:22

up being surrounded by

14:25

10 , 15

14:27

carneys demanding

14:29

the ID , writing down the license

14:31

plate number , giving them a curfew , telling

14:34

them they had to get me back on time .

14:36

You know , you better take good care of her , and

14:39

I'm just like guys

14:41

oh , I

14:43

love that , given how you

14:45

know , carneys don't have a great reputation

14:48

generally . So I go reason .

14:50

Oh , ok , very good reason . There's

14:53

a difference between one of us

14:55

, yeah and townies . I

14:57

learned a lot , a lot

14:59

, a lot , about sexism

15:03

and what's

15:07

a good word ? Well , just using

15:09

people for things and

15:11

manipulation and so on and so forth

15:13

. Because they would get their daily

15:15

money , they would go spend it on food

15:18

, beer and drugs and then

15:20

they would go party with the townies and

15:22

then they would say awful things

15:25

about those girls , pointing

15:28

out but not you , you're

15:30

one of us , right . So

15:32

? And like I learned a

15:35

lot about

15:37

in-group and out-group behavior

15:39

without even meaning to .

15:42

Yeah , you could probably make a killing

15:44

as a cam performance

15:46

artist , right , because you've learned the trick

15:48

of keeping people entertained

15:51

and letting them spend money on you , right

15:53

?

15:53

And the challenge is

15:56

, once I learned about

15:58

my EDD , I

16:03

kind of had like this epiphany

16:06

and it was like , okay

16:08

, so I'm on the sociopathic , psychopathic

16:10

scale . What are my priorities

16:13

? They wanted to put me on anti-psychotics and

16:15

therapy like every week , right , Cause

16:17

apparently I'm a danger to society . Wow

16:19

. And I said no , thank you . I'd been reading

16:21

a lot about brain plasticity

16:24

and so I was like , okay , what are my

16:26

priorities ? And I said my priorities

16:28

are finding connection with

16:31

other humans . And so

16:33

I started really focusing

16:36

in on that

16:38

and I realized

16:40

that it actually hinders me in some

16:42

areas . Like I couldn't do camming because

16:45

I care about each of those people

16:47

so much

16:49

that like it's hard for

16:51

me to take people's money yeah

16:54

, it really is . And it's like that

16:56

was a boundary that

16:58

I had to learn to start setting around the value

17:00

that I offer , cause I was just

17:03

giving away my mentoring and my

17:05

answers and so on and so forth . So

17:07

much I wrote in the past

17:09

I don't know , maybe five

17:11

years or so . I've written over a thousand

17:13

blogs like all

17:16

about , like you know , relationships

17:18

and stuff , and I've talked to people about them and I've answered

17:20

questions privately and I've mentored people

17:23

for free and whatever . And I was like

17:25

I need

17:27

to create a life out of

17:29

this . That's more , you

17:31

know , works more for me .

17:33

Yeah Right , it's a two-way street and it

17:35

is yes , really , really is that's good

17:37

, okay . Well , I liked the fact that so

17:39

boundaries became sort of something . I

17:42

like that that you took something that others might

17:44

have seen as oh crippling

17:46

even , and turned it into

17:49

one of the things that gives you the strength and

17:51

, yeah , brought you and

17:53

brought the world some better things .

17:54

So yeah , it's done some

17:56

really amazing things for me to be what

17:59

we call neurodivergent or neuro spicy

18:01

.

18:03

Definitely I can . I like spicy , All

18:05

right . So you did the Carney , then you started

18:07

, you went to school , you're sewing , whatever

18:10

. So again , how do you go from there

18:12

to sex stuff ?

18:14

So I had this idea of

18:17

like , so I wanted to connect

18:19

with people right and in

18:21

my marriage , aside

18:24

from the abuse and his own

18:26

his mental illness , which was

18:28

not known to him , but he had

18:30

been diagnosed and his mother had told me about it

18:32

after the fact and I was like , oh yeah , that's very helpful

18:35

. Thank you so much . But

18:37

I realized , like a

18:39

big part of us

18:41

this was my thoughts

18:43

at the time was that we were not

18:46

connecting intimately and

18:49

I desperately craved

18:51

that intimate connection

18:54

. Like I wanted to have sex with my

18:56

partner , I wanted to be desired

18:58

by my partner , I wanted to try

19:00

adventurous things with my partner

19:02

. Like . There were so many things

19:04

that I felt like I

19:07

was missing in a relationship

19:09

that ultimately lasted 15 years

19:11

of my life . So I

19:13

had just turned 34 when

19:15

it ended . I had been in that relationship

19:18

since I was 19 . Like this

19:20

is a big portion of

19:23

my life and a

19:26

lot of it near the end . A

19:28

lot of the emotional abuse was

19:30

slut shaming , accusing

19:33

me of cheating on him , which did

19:35

not happen , and

19:37

all sorts of things , and I was just like this

19:42

sucks . And

19:44

so I had this idea

19:46

to create an app

19:49

called Nookie Notes , which would be like little

19:51

love notes and cards that people

19:53

could send to one another and

19:56

share and

19:58

to help , like , kind of , keep the passion fires

20:00

burning and stuff . And

20:04

I got some investors and we

20:06

did the things and just as it started

20:08

making money they

20:10

cut me out , oh

20:13

damn , and I lost everything

20:18

.

20:18

Oh my God , that's

20:21

a whole separate story , yeah .

20:22

I didn't know how they cut you out .

20:23

That's awful , though .

20:25

So then I decided , okay , I'm gonna , I'm

20:28

going to figure things out , I'm going to do other things . I

20:31

got involved in

20:34

various I mean I was already sort of like stepping

20:36

my toes in more alternative

20:39

lifestyle stuff . I've been doing that a bit . When I was

20:41

younger in New York City and I started doing

20:43

it more as an adult and I really enjoyed the people

20:46

I was meeting and the adventure

20:49

and experiences that

20:51

I was having , and

20:53

so I started really writing

20:55

and digging into my thoughts in

20:58

those areas for that community

21:01

and I found

21:03

a home there , you mean mostly

21:05

like BDSM community

21:07

versus . Well , BDSM and nonmonogamy

21:09

.

21:10

Nonmonogamy , ok yeah

21:12

, sort of like Big container .

21:14

Yeah , big , big container there , Sort of anything

21:17

outside the norm when it comes to love , sex

21:19

and romance .

21:20

Mm-hmm Wow .

21:22

So yeah , and I

21:24

just sort of stepped in

21:26

and said , ok , while I'm going

21:28

through all this , I'm never

21:31

going to go without adventure in my life again

21:33

, and this is another type of adventure

21:35

. Let's see where this takes us . And

21:38

I have met amazing people

21:40

, I have traveled the world , I have educated

21:43

, I have learned

21:45

, I have

21:47

just . My life is so amazingly

21:50

fulfilled and full of

21:52

adventure .

21:54

Oh , that sounds good .

21:56

I would not say so , like , let's be clear

21:58

, I would not say I am the queen of

22:00

kink . There are so many things I look

22:02

at and I'm like holy

22:04

fudge balls , Like I

22:07

am not tall enough to ride that ride

22:09

Like right . And

22:12

there is a lot of things like , you know

22:15

, hypnosis or behavior modification

22:17

or you know , like power

22:19

dynamics and like kinky

22:22

fun play and stuff like that . I

22:24

am totally into all of that with

22:27

the right partner or partners , right

22:29

, Like that's kind of . So and

22:32

also I'm with you I don't feel a lot of

22:34

shame . I wasn't raised

22:36

with shame . My parents like

22:38

never shamed me

22:40

, which

22:42

is both good and bad . I was not ready

22:45

for shame in my marriage

22:48

, so like I had no defenses

22:50

against it either . What's

22:53

this Like ? He must actually

22:55

love me . I mean he says he loves me , so he

22:58

much actually mean the best for me when he

23:00

says these things right , like this is not like

23:02

manipulation . What's manipulation , I don't know

23:04

.

23:05

So I wonder if that's tied to that

23:07

lack of empathy too . Is that lack ?

23:09

of shame ? Oh , definitely , that's a big part of that

23:11

that's a blessing . Yeah , definitely a big part

23:14

of that , but

23:16

I don't have shame , like I feel like consenting

23:18

adults ought to be able to do

23:20

what they want to do with each other , as long as

23:22

they can hurt each other , but they

23:24

cannot harm each other

23:26

and have it still be ethical , and

23:29

that's really the container

23:31

in which I live my life .

23:34

Yeah , ok , I like that . So

23:37

what did you start teaching on ? What

23:39

was your like ? How did you begin

23:41

? Like I teach blowjob classes in kind of

23:43

Lingus classes . Like I'm very

23:45

proud of my blowjob classes to be fair . Costate

23:48

pleasure classes .

23:50

Yeah , so I've written books on butt stuff but

23:53

also on , like Femme Dom , on

23:56

creating loving and

23:58

powerful dynamics , on

24:00

behavior modification . I like to call it toilet

24:03

paper bondage , in the sense that

24:05

behavior modification takes time

24:08

and a lot of layers . So

24:10

the first layer of toilet paper , you can

24:13

get out of that really easily . But once you've

24:15

built up all of those

24:17

different layers and ways

24:20

of positively

24:22

and negatively reinforcing things

24:24

, you can't break

24:27

free . You know things like that . I'm really into

24:29

the psychological aspects

24:32

of how we engage with other

24:34

humans Because , of course , I'm

24:36

coming at this again in group out

24:38

group . I'm coming at this from an outsider's perspective

24:41

. This

24:43

was never natural to me , like

24:45

I don't have that kind of empathy . So

24:48

people who are like I've always gotten along

24:50

with everybody they

24:52

often take in socializing that

24:55

ends up being harmful to them in the long

24:57

run . Yes , me , me , me , me , me

24:59

, yes . And I'm looking

25:01

at that from the outside saying why isn't

25:03

this working ? Why does this seem so

25:05

weird ? Oh , let's

25:07

turn this around

25:10

and make it good for everybody

25:12

in the equation , right , instead of only

25:14

the people who feel

25:17

their way through navigating this

25:19

whole thing .

25:21

Wow , that's very

25:24

cool . How do you think that ADHD

25:26

affects ? I think that perhaps

25:28

ADHD is why

25:31

maybe I like the BDSM is

25:33

because I just need more stimulation

25:35

, it helps you it helps you Right , but

25:37

what have you found ? How do you find the

25:39

ADHD effects things ?

25:41

So interesting story . So ADHD has been a part

25:43

of my life . I mean , obviously I quit high

25:46

school because I was bored , I couldn't focus

25:48

right , Like that's huge right , Like

25:50

that's super obvious . Lists

25:52

have been a huge part of my life

25:54

. But

25:57

interesting fact

25:59

, yes , I think kink I've always

26:01

said kink is like the people

26:03

who are looking

26:05

for more out of life . We end up

26:08

with a lot of neurodiversity in

26:10

kinky and alternative communities because

26:12

that basic life

26:15

of this is how you do it

26:17

, step by step doesn't

26:19

fit Right , so

26:21

we're looking for more . And

26:24

fun fact I'd always

26:26

essentially manage my

26:28

ADHD through all of my entrepreneurial stuff

26:30

and whatever . But Once

26:34

I hit like

26:37

that you know after 30

26:39

, starting to like lose

26:41

the hormones and so on and so

26:43

forth , my ADHD

26:46

started going wild . Yes

26:48

, mine is so much worse than ever . It's

26:50

a part of aging , Geez . So

26:52

especially for for Fembody folks

26:54

or AFABs , once you start

26:57

into that like perimenopause and

26:59

periperi like preperimenopause

27:01

, as your hormones start

27:03

going down , you start losing your ability to focus

27:06

. Well , and I

27:08

recently , last

27:10

year in December , I started a

27:13

series of four surgeries over

27:15

nine months . I had the

27:17

BRCA1 genetic mutation , so

27:19

I got my baby factory completely

27:21

removed and I had a double mastectomy

27:23

and reconstruction and

27:26

they took out all my hormone

27:28

makers and

27:32

my brain started going . I couldn't work like so many

27:34

things , so many things . When I got

27:36

on HRT . As

27:38

a function of that , all of a sudden my

27:41

brain started functioning again in

27:43

the ADHD realm . Like I still

27:45

have it , but not

27:47

. It's not going crazy

27:49

the way it was .

27:51

Yeah .

27:52

So that's huge .

27:53

Most , a large part of our audience is

27:55

male and I know it's . It's

27:57

just hard for them and sometimes they

28:00

it . It feels like people are saying

28:02

that hormonal changes . You

28:04

know that that's oh , we

28:06

should just be able to ignore it or overcome

28:08

it , or we're just whining and stuff . But

28:10

the fact is is that it does have a

28:12

huge effect and my gynecologist

28:15

told me that , yeah , it does . But they

28:17

pretend , you know , they pretend everything

28:19

is rational , which actually makes them much

28:22

less rational , Because it might be .

28:24

So I agree , I agree , there's definitely

28:26

, there's definitely that aspect of things .

28:28

We just let things show . You know , hang out more . But

28:31

my gynecologist did tell me that the

28:33

lack of estrogen in a brain actually

28:35

does cause problems , because our brains are

28:38

so used to having it so that helps

28:40

me a lot .

28:41

That's a lot of testosterone , like it's huge

28:43

yeah .

28:44

I thought I was just getting stupid and

28:47

anyway , so it's a problem . So people

28:49

just be kind . Yeah , we

28:51

still have a lot to offer . We just offer

28:54

different ways . I think so , yeah

28:56

, but so then . But

28:59

then , how do you think in your , when

29:01

it comes to like sexy stuff , how does ADHD Like

29:04

? For me it means sometimes I can say the

29:06

wrong thing . I

29:09

have the wrong name .

29:11

I've not had so much that issue and for me a

29:13

big part of it was

29:15

when I met my

29:17

now partner , who

29:20

I mean I call

29:22

him my sun , moon and stars , like

29:24

he is the most amazing

29:26

human I've ever met . I

29:28

really didn't want to fuck

29:30

that up Like really , really

29:33

. And so we

29:37

talk about me being the thinker and he's the feeler

29:39

and you

29:41

know his love languages are , you know

29:43

, words of affirmation and touch

29:45

, and mine are quality time and

29:47

gifts . So we , you know , we're a little different

29:50

. And so , for the words of affirmation

29:52

, I literally put like

29:55

random reminders in my

29:57

calendar to remind me

29:59

, to tell him how

30:02

much I appreciate him . I

30:04

love that Because otherwise

30:07

my ADHD , like six weeks

30:09

could go by and I wouldn't even

30:11

now it's habitual . But

30:13

one day I'm sitting here like just hanging

30:16

out and I look over and he's sitting in a chair over there

30:18

and I'm just like wow , he's really

30:20

hot . So I say to him , I say hey , baby , and

30:22

he says yes . I

30:25

said have I told you lately how much

30:27

I love you ? And he looks at me like did

30:29

your calendar alarm just go off ? No

30:34

, I don't do that anymore , like

30:36

now I'm in the habit , and he's like sure

30:39

.

30:40

You know , I don't even care . The fact that somebody

30:42

would make that a priority by

30:45

making it happen , that , I

30:47

think , is huge . And so , yeah , listeners

30:50

again . If you're learning anything , it's that

30:52

find workarounds . It's

30:55

not cheating , it's just helping

30:57

. Those are totally allowed

30:59

.

31:00

Well , just from a guy's perspective . Even

31:02

if you're like , if you're leveling

31:04

their guys , we'll probably go oh , my lovely , he doesn't that

31:06

. Or they will take the little test quiz and

31:09

it doesn't come out as that . As a guy , we get

31:11

complimented so infrequently

31:13

once we hit adulthood , right , that

31:15

any , any relationship and whether

31:17

, whether you know , married , dating

31:19

, whatever If you look at your guy

31:22

and you pay him a compliment , even what ? Yeah

31:24

, once a week Maybe , like I

31:27

was reading , you know . So

31:30

I read it recently and a

31:32

woman posted that guys , what do you think got ? What

31:34

do you think women should know that they

31:36

don't about just guys in general . And

31:39

so everything was , you know , taken with a grain of salt

31:41

because I don't speak for all men . But one

31:43

guy point pointed out we'll still remember

31:45

a compliment for 20 years ago and when

31:47

we think about it it'll make a smile . And I started thinking about that . I

31:50

was like , holy shit , yeah , anytime

31:52

I've gotten a compliment , it's stick . It sticks

31:54

with me because they're for

31:56

guys . They're few and far between Very good . So

31:59

, having that from

32:01

the female perspective , having that ability

32:03

, even if that's not your partner's love language , to just

32:05

every once in a while . Hey , your ass looks good

32:08

in those jeans . Hey

32:10

, do it good with your hair , with

32:12

your hair gelled or , you know , with

32:14

those glasses on , whatever .

32:16

Right , it just has to be small affirmations for

32:18

them . Right and again

32:20

the Gottmans , to have done more

32:22

research into relationships and marriages and stuff . They

32:25

say you need five positive , five

32:28

positive interactions for every one negative

32:30

for a healthy , happy , lasting

32:33

relationship . So I have thoughts

32:35

on that . Yeah , go ahead , go

32:37

for it Go ahead . Yeah , we're going to have two

32:39

thoughts actually Episode

32:41

in a little bit , but let's , yeah , throw it out there .

32:43

The first one . The first thought is I firm . So

32:46

my ex husband . He believed

32:49

and I think there's a lot of people out there that believe

32:51

this that every time you give a compliment , especially

32:53

to a partner , you're giving away

32:55

some of your power . And I

32:57

believe it's the opposite . Yes , I

32:59

believe the more you can make someone feel

33:02

good , the more powerful your

33:04

relationship is . So

33:06

there's that , yeah .

33:07

I'd say it's also go ahead . If

33:10

you're insecure , you don't compliment

33:12

others . That is true the more confident

33:14

you are , the more able and willing

33:16

and generous you are with your compliments

33:18

.

33:18

Yes , 100% that's

33:20

. It's so freeing and authentic

33:22

to be able to say something when you mean it , right

33:25

, like you just look at somebody you're like

33:27

I am , like I mean I can just say to the two of you right now I am really

33:29

enjoying this conversation . So

33:31

, like this is fun , right

33:34

, like this is just , this is a good time , thank

33:36

you so much . 5

33:39

to 1 . I've

33:41

heard that and I know where they're

33:43

coming from and I get it , because they also said that if

33:45

it's more than 13 positive

33:47

to 1 , then people start feeling

33:50

like this can't be real , there's

33:52

got to be a catch somewhere or whatever . But

33:55

I have problems with that , like

33:57

serious issues with

33:59

that . Really , why ? Because

34:02

for me I

34:04

think about , okay , positive to

34:07

negative interactions . If

34:09

you say 13 to 1 , let's just

34:11

say let's take the most that they say you

34:13

can do and let's just break that out

34:16

into days . So for 13

34:18

days you have positive interactions

34:20

and then one day every

34:23

two weeks you're cranking

34:26

at each other . Like to me that

34:28

doesn't seem like

34:31

enough .

34:33

I don't think . I

34:35

think they're talking about even

34:38

the smallest interactions , which

34:40

could be Absolutely so . It's

34:42

more on a daily basis .

34:44

I'm thinking like okay , so my

34:46

partner and I have hundreds

34:49

of positive interactions

34:52

, to every tiny

34:55

misunderstanding or

34:57

crank or whatever . I

34:59

mean like there are months

35:01

that go by that we are constantly in love

35:03

and complimenting each other and having each other

35:05

on the bottom and whatever . And in there

35:07

we might have two or three like where

35:10

did you put my keys ? Or you

35:12

know , hey , could you load the dishwasher

35:14

because I cooked less , or whatever . And

35:17

we argue

35:20

maybe twice a

35:23

year that's awesome . Like

35:25

so and I'm like , I just feel

35:27

like people are like well , I just want a

35:29

relationship where the positive outweighs

35:31

the negative and I'm like by

35:34

how much like let's really

35:36

think about what's possible and look

35:38

at like how we develop our relationships

35:41

to focus in on

35:43

making the

35:45

best possible lives for

35:47

ourselves and each other . So

35:50

, yeah , and I believe , I believe

35:53

that they are doing good work

35:55

, because I think a lot of people have a problem with

35:57

even getting five positive interactions

36:00

for every . You know , controlling interaction

36:03

or there's a lot of like if you look at

36:05

sitcoms , like they're always poking

36:07

at each other in like really kind of negative

36:09

ways , and then there's the laugh track .

36:12

Oh , I know .

36:13

And we've been socialized so

36:15

ineffectively for things like

36:17

that .

36:18

Yeah , and I think that what happens

36:21

I mean , I think what you and your partner have is beautiful

36:23

and , yes , everybody . I mean it'd be

36:25

great if everybody could have that . But

36:27

I think what happens so often and

36:29

what I was thinking that they were also referring

36:32

to was that when that a

36:34

little bit of apathy sets in where

36:36

people are interacting

36:38

on a daily basis , but maybe it's

36:40

not even positive or negative , it's just like neutral

36:43

, it's just like flat .

36:46

And neutral is like ? What does it ? Anthony

36:49

Robin says if you're not growing , you're dying . Yeah

36:53

to me it's purely neutral , is

36:55

not positive

36:57

, right , yeah , and

37:00

I think that this is part of the issue because we

37:02

like , we

37:04

say apathy is okay

37:07

, right , like you've everybody's got

37:09

life . But is it okay Like , is that

37:11

how you want to like ? Is that your goal ? I

37:13

want to live my life so that life

37:16

can definitely bust in and

37:18

fudge up our you know things

37:20

. We can totally , you know , just be

37:22

roommates , right .

37:24

While our relationship doesn't matter .

37:26

Yeah , right , like I'm , so I

37:28

believe that a successful

37:31

relationship is to

37:33

people who get far more

37:35

out of the relationship than they put

37:37

in . So , like , the things that

37:39

I do are easy for me

37:41

to tell him , like how amazing he is , and

37:44

they fill him up to a greater

37:46

percentage than the effort it took me

37:49

to say that , and vice versa

37:51

, right , so that we can consistently

37:53

feel each other to overflowing because

37:55

life is going to drain us .

37:58

Yeah , it's the sum

38:00

is greater than the individual

38:03

. I forgot whatever that quote is , but yeah

38:05

some is greater than the parts .

38:06

Yeah , right .

38:08

I think that definitely that is . We should

38:10

be better . We should be better because

38:12

of our relationships , not neutral

38:14

, not worse , not less confident

38:17

, more confident and if a relationship

38:19

is treading water .

38:20

As soon as life hits you , it's

38:22

going to go into the negative . So you have to consistently

38:25

focus in on how do we build positivity

38:27

together , because when that

38:29

hits the negative and you've got two people you're

38:32

trying to keep afloat while you're cranking at each other . That

38:34

is hard .

38:36

Yeah , I

38:38

think that's very true , very

38:40

true , okay . Well , listen , we're going to have to wrap

38:42

up this episode , so

38:44

much more , but I'm dying to hear more about

38:47

your book . Well , we didn't even really touch on

38:49

that , so we're going to talk about your book . Take

38:51

no shit , but before

38:54

we go today , will you tell people where they

38:56

can find you , where you want them to track

38:58

you down and learn all about you and find your book

39:00

?

39:01

Right now , everything is at mycuriouserlife

39:03

. You can find links to our socials there

39:05

. You can find videos

39:08

. You can find links to the book to purchase

39:10

. You can find links to my workshop . You

39:12

can find links to my coaching . You

39:14

can find links

39:16

to podcasts like this when they come out

39:18

and you know , see me talking

39:20

about this from like a bazillion

39:22

different perspectives .

39:25

I love that . Okay , and if you're , yeah

39:28

, these will be in the show notes and

39:31

if you're watching , then you can see it

39:33

on our video . Erin's put it up there . Thank

39:35

you very much . So again , all right , heather

39:37

, and I said Klaus , I don't know , I like I gave

39:39

it a very German , but is it more like claws

39:41

, like just Santa Claus , or is it ?

39:43

It's just like claws . However , you know like it

39:45

used to be Klaus , and then we moved

39:48

over to America and you know , okay , okay

39:50

, I don't know where . So

39:52

anyway .

39:52

So , heather Claus , ms

39:56

Heather Claus , also

39:58

known as Nookie , which I love , and so

40:00

thank you so much for being with us today . This

40:02

is really interesting . I

40:04

just I love your journey and can't wait . We'll

40:07

talk more about everything else in the next episode

40:09

. So

40:11

, everybody , come , come back , come with us all the time

40:14

, come , come , come , come

40:16

, come . Always . Right , Just so much coming

40:18

, so much coming , all

40:20

right . Well , thank you , thank you everyone for

40:22

joining us , for come with this podcast where

40:24

you get the bear naked truth about love , sex

40:26

and relationships , and even the Carnival

40:29

, the Cugs and Love . We'll see you next week . Bye , thanks

40:31

for listening to the come with us podcast .

40:33

Be sure to follow us on social media at come with

40:35

us podcast and send in your questions , comments and confessions to come

40:37

with us . Confessions at gmailcom . Until

40:45

next time , keep it fun , flirty

40:47

and naughty .