0:00

Mr. Sandler, Hanukkah Song When

0:31

I listen to it, I

0:33

can't go wrong Red

0:38

hooded sweatshirts Opera

0:42

man, lunch lady land, Billy

0:45

Madsen Billy

0:47

Madsen Hello

0:50

everyone, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2023, part

0:52

one And

0:54

you know what? Merry Christmas

0:57

That's right, this is coming out on the

0:59

very day of Christmas itself So we can

1:01

finally say it, the war on Christmas is

1:04

over, we won We won again We

1:06

were able to say it today This yearly

1:08

war Starts in February

1:10

usually And look, if you're about to throw up your

1:12

sash and yell at a little boy in the street

1:15

Leave him alone It's Christmas days Maybe

1:18

he'll say the one as big as me to

1:20

you, that's always fun, but Imagine

1:23

today, imagine today Today on Christmas

1:25

I mean, I mean in modern

1:27

times Sure To try to get

1:29

a little boy to buy you a turkey

1:32

It was the original gig economy work You're gonna

1:35

throw it Yeah, exactly It's like Instacart Grind set

1:38

Grind set, mindset Hey The original

1:40

grind set Go fucking buy me a turkey, little

1:42

boy Yeah And by the

1:44

way, don't you have to put in orders for

1:46

turkeys in advance? I guess you can get some

1:48

Nowadays, probably I did go

1:51

to a grocery store the day after Thanksgiving And

1:53

they were just lousy with turkeys They

1:55

had so many Who

1:57

the fuck was that? That's

2:00

crazy. Yeah, I think they wanted to have

2:02

enough so they they would never know but

2:04

look Throw

2:07

them away No one

2:09

wants to see that one once fucking turkey

2:12

and already murdered them afterwards. Yeah. Yeah Although

2:14

I do I try to

2:16

make a nice turkey dinner every single

2:18

day as you know I yeah, that

2:20

is a strange thing about all Thanksgiving dinner Why

2:24

do you do that? Why do

2:26

you do that? And you say you try which means

2:28

a lot of interest Florida's I

2:30

never succeeded It

2:32

doesn't even go in the oven not even like the time.

2:35

No. Oh, no. What is it that happens? What gets in the way?

2:38

Well, there's a series of blockades. We

2:40

have an obstacle course up an

2:42

American Ninja Warrior course I guess I should say it's

2:44

not really an obstacle for getting that I gave you

2:47

as a housewoman gift you did that's right and You

2:50

were like American Ninja Warrior love it

2:52

or leave it. Yeah, I got my

2:55

love it or did you leave it? Did

2:57

you leave it? I

2:59

got my citizenship paper originally a Vigilante

3:03

ninja ninja vigilante

3:06

ninja Ninculently

3:08

ninja lante Julie ninja lante

3:11

this Christmas In

3:14

any case it's a long drawn-out story that

3:17

I won't further complicate by going into details

3:19

But yes, it is Christmas We

3:21

hope that you have your turkeys in the oven

3:23

by now and or at least you're prepping it

3:25

while you listen to us or your Christmas ham.

3:27

That's right. Why are you decided? That's

3:31

I haven't had a goose in a good long

3:33

time. I have you know what? I had it

3:35

a few years ago at Tamoshaft or Oh, yeah,

3:37

they had a good that night. We just went

3:39

to Tamoshaft or I did not see goose on

3:41

the menu No, they haven't had it in a

3:43

while. It was so good. Maybe the geese are

3:45

getting smarter or faster Goose

3:47

puts the goo in good Good That's

3:52

a good point good. Should I say a goo

3:55

point good? Thank you Good

3:57

slogan for goose. Um, yeah, by the way, you

3:59

know don't see too many geese these days, maybe

4:02

we're out. Do you mean in

4:04

the world or like in the supermarket? I

4:07

just mean like where we live. Yeah

4:10

that's true. Not a lot of geese. They

4:12

do fly overhead sometimes. Yeah, they pass by.

4:14

Sure. And I have my swing shot out

4:16

there. Yeah. Trying to offer

4:18

a direct line to restaurants. What I like

4:20

to do is I like to bring down

4:22

the guy at the tip of the V.

4:24

That's right. And then everyone's lost. Like what

4:26

the fuck? It is

4:28

true that the tip of the V, we're

4:31

talking about geese formations by the way. Not

4:33

what you think we're talking about. You sickos.

4:37

That's the one who decides to start and then

4:39

everyone's just kind of like, I don't know, let's

4:41

follow this guy. Yeah. He's

4:43

the Kumail. Oh,

4:45

in the new movie? Yeah. I thought you

4:48

meant in terms of people getting

4:50

jacked for Marvel movies. He

4:52

was pretty late to it. The lead goose is

4:55

the one bulks up. But

4:57

they're ducks, right? Aren't they ducks? I have no idea.

5:00

Scott, hold on. This

5:03

is a bold claim. Yeah. You have no

5:05

idea. Ask me how

5:07

much of an idea I have about this

5:09

particular subject. How much idea do you have

5:11

about the animated film where Kumail

5:14

voices a waterfowl who is traveling with his

5:16

family south for the winter? I'll tell you

5:18

I have maybe a 5% idea.

5:20

And that 5, I'll tell you what.

5:22

Give me all 5%. I'll tell you what I know about it. It's

5:26

animated by the people who did the minions, I believe. Banana.

5:29

Banana. And the minions are

5:32

unequivocally funny. I've never seen a minions movie, by

5:34

the way. Oh, by the way, you should be

5:36

on my show. Scott hasn't seen it. I don't

5:38

think you've ever done it. What is that? It's

5:40

a podcast that I do on CBB World where

5:42

we watch movies that I haven't seen before and

5:44

then we talk about them. Who's we? Oh,

5:46

it's this guy Sprague, the whisperer.

5:49

Oh, you mean my manager? Oh,

5:52

wait. Sprague manages you? Yeah. I know he

5:54

has one client. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy,

5:56

Sean Diston, that he can't seem to get

5:58

much going for. Ooh, well. I got him a

6:00

podcast. Imagine how I feel. Yeah. No,

6:04

you should do it. Some great people

6:06

have done it. Santa Claus just did one.

6:11

Just this last Friday. But

6:14

okay, so minions. Okay,

6:16

so minions. And

6:19

I know that like one bird

6:21

or someone, I think it's a bird.

6:23

One bird makes you figure. I

6:26

think it gets hit by a truck, but then they

6:28

have to say, I'm okay, because it would be funnier

6:30

if he was dead, but it's a kid's movie. So

6:32

they have to say like, Oh no, it's okay. But

6:34

it's giving kids the wrong message that you can get

6:36

like hit by a truck and then be fine. Yeah,

6:39

absolutely. Well, just like it started with the 18. Yeah,

6:42

exactly. When the guys had to, you know, like

6:44

the guy, the guy, that's what the bad guys

6:46

on the 18 guys.

6:50

Yeah. Like a truck would flip

6:53

over five times. And then you'd hear, I'm okay.

6:55

Yeah. Or you'd see someone

6:57

like going, Ouch, that was crazy. That's

6:59

what the guys do. Just you know, it was just

7:02

the editor. Yeah. It's like they

7:04

gave them a list of things to say. Could

7:06

you put this in so we don't get in

7:08

trouble? But I think, don't they get paid to

7:10

do that? To put, anytime your voice appears in

7:12

an episode. Oh yeah. That's why editors are

7:14

so rich. They're so rich. Yeah.

7:17

Man, I should have gotten into editing because they're

7:19

constantly, people don't know any background noise you hear.

7:21

It's the editor doing it. Plus,

7:23

by the way, a lot of people don't know when you're watching a TV

7:25

show. Yeah. It

7:27

starts, right? Okay. Credits, titles,

7:30

whatever. And then you see maybe the main

7:32

character or a field or something. If you're

7:34

lucky, yeah. A field. Oh,

7:37

I know the movie you're talking about. The Killing

7:39

Fields. Well, here it is. You asked for it.

7:41

You paid a ticket. We don't want to keep

7:43

you hanging in suspense. People

7:50

were thrilled. They're like, okay. It's not

7:52

metaphorical. Sometimes you'll buy a ticket for

7:54

like Gandhi, right? Yeah. Dude

7:57

doesn't show up until like 45 minutes in. I

8:00

don't think that's true. I don't

8:02

know. I don't think you should do ghandi with

8:04

me. I thought sure i'll do ghandi Ghandi

8:07

and a minions movie. It's been a long ooh double

8:09

feature Ghandi

8:12

Minions two double feature. Do you remember our

8:14

famous double feature argument? What was

8:16

that? I don't recall where I said I Had

8:20

a double feature in a friend's

8:22

home. Oh, yes And

8:25

I took numbers with that you were saying it was not

8:27

a double feature because we just

8:29

watched two movies Yeah, I agree. But with

8:32

myself But you were under

8:34

the impression that we just were like flipping

8:36

channels or something and then we stumbled upon

8:38

these movies But it was a programmed event

8:41

I Where we said we're gonna watch

8:43

these two movies I

8:46

Okay here. Maybe I was

8:48

being too picky, but not like you

8:50

one thing i'll say is that I

8:54

feel like double feature implies that you

8:56

pay one price And

8:59

receive two movies now no Money

9:02

exchanged hands if i'm

9:04

correct, although maybe it's just like hey, we're featuring

9:06

two movies on the bill regardless of what price

9:09

I guess you could have a double feature that

9:11

was free like at the library or something But

9:13

you know what nowadays with our cashless society, yeah

9:16

money changes hands. That's true. That's a good point

9:18

You know apple pay. Yeah, did anyone venmo you

9:20

to go to this? No, it was a while

9:22

ago. This is a while ago Hmm so

9:25

it was a free venmo free venmo pre

9:27

okay free cashless society So you were coming

9:29

there were credit cards. You were cashful So

9:33

did anyone give you any sort of uh currency

9:36

us or otherwise? Why does it give me the

9:38

currency? Was it not at your place? Was it

9:40

at a friend? It was not my place. It was a friend's

9:42

house. Who was this friend? Wait a minute

9:45

was it mr amc And

9:51

it was his house What's the

9:54

amc stand for? I don't know american movie club. I

9:56

would imagine. I I don't know and then isn't it

9:58

weird that amc is a network? And it

10:00

has nothing to do with it. They are they not

10:02

related in any way? No, no, no How do they

10:05

get away with that? I don't know. I

10:07

don't understand like if there was another comedy bang

10:09

bang You bet I would sue

10:11

their ass and it would did something obliteration

10:14

It did something adjacent to what you do,

10:16

but not exactly the same thing. Yeah, there

10:18

was I do I do Have

10:21

to say in India. I'm really must say this

10:23

there was a comedy bang

10:25

bang that I politely Reach

10:28

out to and said pardon me, but this this

10:31

exists. So pardon me, but I will sue you

10:33

into oblivion I said pardon me boy. Is that

10:35

the Chattanooga choo-choo? And

10:38

they very politely took it down and

10:40

that was it was it was a

10:42

wonderful series

10:45

of interactions Realizing

10:48

how ridiculous it is for the person

10:50

in that song To

10:53

refer to the train as a choo-choo Pardon

10:55

me boys You

10:59

know the machine that goes And

11:02

then of course like in those times the the

11:04

boy Will look at

11:06

him like he was insane right like you

11:08

mean Okay, mister. Yeah,

11:11

the choo-choo Get

11:13

the guys in the white coats And

11:16

the butterfly dead they don't do that anymore

11:18

in movies and it's a shame I know

11:20

that that classic thing of looking at somebody

11:22

like they're out of their money Holding

11:25

up a sign that has a picture

11:27

of a screw and then that's in

11:29

a baseball Famously our friend Bugs Bunny

11:31

our friend our friend Bugs Bunny agent

11:33

of chaos Mickey Mouse

11:36

You could make him funny couldn't you I

11:39

was thinking this the other day. I think it's too late I I

11:41

feel like they're doing it They're just protecting this

11:43

brand so much because they want to sell the

11:46

hats with the ears Yeah, but like wouldn't it

11:48

be great if Disney came out with a legitimately

11:50

funny Mickey Mouse cartoon be great

11:52

where he was super funny I would

11:55

challenge the listeners to find the

11:57

funniest clip of Mickey Mouse that

11:59

exists That exists because I think

12:02

Steamboat Willie days, the

12:04

very first one, he was out there. I don't think he

12:07

even had a name. He might

12:09

have been Steamboat Willie. He might have been Richard Mouse, as

12:11

far as we know. But he was out

12:13

there and he was, they

12:15

were trying to make a funny cartoon with

12:18

him. And he was like getting, I forget

12:20

what happened in C. Do you have a

12:22

plot synopsis of Steamboat Willie? Yeah, let me

12:24

see from memory. It's about

12:26

this mouse who is piloting a boat and

12:28

he's doing a little dance. Doesn't

12:31

he get chopped up at some point? He couldn't

12:33

tell you. Maybe that's

12:35

just in my memory. Could not tell you. But I want to

12:37

happen. Oh, I would love to see you get chopped up. But

12:39

yeah, the funniest clip of Mickey Mouse that you can send to

12:41

us. Yeah. How

12:44

do they get it to us, Paul? Put

12:47

it on Instagram, attack us? I guess so. Yeah,

12:49

I don't know. I can't say that I'll look,

12:51

but you probably will. I

12:53

would say tag comedy bang

12:56

bang world. Yes. But

12:58

that'll mean Brett will have to look at

13:00

them. Yeah, exactly. Oh, okay. Great. Yeah. All

13:03

right. Great. He loves Mickey Mouse though. He does.

13:05

He's a huge, huge Disney guy. He's

13:08

not a Disney guy. He's a Mickey Mouse guy.

13:10

That's right. He hates Disney. I forgot. He

13:13

went to Disneyland once, hated it. He

13:15

did because he did not get to see Mickey Mouse. Yeah.

13:17

Mickey is hardly ever there. Why

13:19

is he not there more? That's the thing is

13:21

like when I go to Disneyland, I

13:23

see Goofy. Yeah. I see Captain Hook. I

13:27

see even Cinderella

13:29

sometimes. She waves at me.

13:31

Yeah. But

13:34

where's Mickey? Yeah. Where are they hiding? This is

13:36

like a Shelly Miscavige or something. You know, where

13:38

are they hiding Mickey? You know what it's like?

13:40

It's like going to, sewing down south in Charleston

13:43

and you think you're going to see Craig. But

13:45

he's not there. He's not there. He's at,

13:48

although one time we did see him. I

13:50

know. You told us this at dinner at

13:52

the Tamlo Chantor. We actually saw him through

13:54

the window. Through a window. So was

13:56

it like a storefront

13:58

window or what kind of? window really what

14:00

what's the look at it was his house we

14:03

were looking through the window we're

14:05

creeps remember 1994 when there were three

14:07

songs called creep out

14:12

there simultaneously what radio head

14:14

radio head TLC that's right

14:16

and stone temple pilots all

14:18

at the same time I

14:20

don't know the stone temple

14:22

pilots real sir where the

14:24

world well real world away

14:26

the old above was on

14:29

a whale big

14:31

so Bob he wrote that whale all

14:35

the way to debtors jail in my

14:37

Bible the Ells above rides the whale

14:41

the Prince of lies the Lord

14:43

of the fly the king of lies like

14:46

who's a better liar than Satan good question

14:48

why isn't Jesus the king of peace yeah

14:51

what is he the Prince of peace maybe

14:53

they got the God is maybe you

14:56

know what sucks for God is

14:58

that I bet a lot but go ahead

15:00

with what you is the Almighty Creator of

15:03

everything yeah and then there's so

15:05

much focus on Jesus people just pray to

15:07

Jesus they don't pray to God anymore well

15:09

that's the thing when you have a kid

15:11

your life is over and everyone's just like

15:13

oh look at the kid look at the

15:15

kid look at the kid good point oh

15:17

my lord hey how about eyes are up

15:19

here my eyes are higher taller than Jesus

15:21

yes stop looking at my tits

15:23

look at my face how big do you think God

15:26

is in relation to Jesus if

15:28

Jesus is human-sized okay is

15:31

God just like like the size

15:33

of a mountain how big is God that's

15:37

a good question because Jesus okay I would

15:40

imagine Jesus he was a

15:42

baby for what one year and then suddenly he

15:44

had a beard and that's right and sandals and

15:46

everything there was the one year that he was

15:48

12 and he got lost in the temple that's

15:50

right he lost on the channel poop when did

15:52

he curse that a fig tree was even oh

15:54

that was your time so it's beard times yeah

15:56

yeah beard time when Christ got hangry yeah Is

16:03

that actually in the Bible or is that just a story?

16:07

Like a talk show story? I gotta remember this for Carson.

16:12

Shocked it down. I

16:15

believe that is in the Bible. Yeah. Um,

16:18

weird guy, Jesus. Weird

16:21

guy. But hey, it's his birthday today and we

16:23

love him. Yes. Happy birthday.

16:25

How big was God? I think God was probably

16:27

like, was? What do you know? Have you heard

16:29

something? I heard some quote, God is

16:31

dead. Log

16:35

live God. A to God? Probably

16:41

like Mount Rushmore sized, I would think. Big.

16:44

It's pretty big. And that's

16:46

your dad. Yeah. Do

16:48

you know what you mean? I know. Like,

16:50

do you remember being small? Yeah. Yeah.

16:53

I remember being so small. Looking up at people. I

16:56

don't really remember being as small as like

16:58

someone's knees. I remember, I feel like I

17:01

remember interacting with an egg of some sort.

17:03

I was very small. But okay.

17:06

So you sit at the right hand of the father. Sure.

17:10

In heaven. Who does? If you're lucky. Well,

17:13

Jesus does. Jesus does. Okay. But

17:17

it's like, if you sit on a chair next to Mount Rushmore.

17:19

Yeah. Are you really sitting with that?

17:22

You know what I mean? I mean, I

17:25

think that would be cool. To sit on a chair next to Mount

17:27

Rushmore. Is that where you're asking? That is what

17:29

I'm asking. I think we should maybe do that. Thank you for not

17:31

making me spell it out. It would be

17:34

cool to like get a picture, someone far back

17:36

enough to get a picture that includes you

17:38

and Mount Rushmore and the faces in the

17:40

same picture. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

17:44

That'd be fucking cool. Yeah. Really?

17:47

We got to do that. We got to take a trip this year. No,

17:50

I really, I looked into it actually a couple of years ago of like, oh,

17:52

would this be cool? Is it possible? And

17:54

I think we can. Human beings do this. I

17:57

heard it's kind of a letdown, but I don't know.

18:00

I mean, I've seen the pictures. I believe

18:02

that 1,000% that it will be able to

18:04

look down. I've never been to the Grand

18:06

Canyon. I was going to do that when

18:09

COVID seemed to be receding. We set up a

18:11

trip and booked

18:15

all the hotels, itinerary, everything. We were driving from...

18:17

Wait, you booked out all the hotels so you

18:19

would have it to yourself? Yep. That's

18:21

a lot. Wow. Yeah,

18:24

just me and one mule. That's amazing.

18:26

Sweetie. No,

18:29

we were driving from here to Chicago on

18:31

Route 66 in various settings. Gotta

18:34

do it. And then COVID kind of came back and so

18:36

we canceled the whole thing. Not

18:39

mid-trip. No, no. Before

18:41

we went off. When you say we were

18:44

driving on Route 66, we were going to

18:46

be driving. I was enumerating the

18:48

plan. Not like you were turning the radio dial.

18:50

It was like, COVID's back. All

18:52

citizens of ice to turn around. You notice

18:55

how when you watch a movie and any

18:57

time the TV comes on or the radio

18:59

comes on, it's always about something that affects

19:01

the plot of the person listening. Yes.

19:04

I have never turned on the TV or

19:06

the radio unknowingly and then

19:08

found out there was an earth-shaking event happening.

19:10

That had a right thing to do with

19:12

me. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then

19:14

any time there's a main

19:17

character who's a teacher in a movie

19:19

and he's giving a lecture about

19:21

nature or something, that will relate

19:24

directly to their emotional theme

19:26

or the plot of the movie as well. I'm

19:29

thinking one movie in particular that just came out,

19:31

Dream Scenario. But

19:33

I've noticed it in a lot of other

19:36

movies, if there's ever a teacher character, they'll

19:38

say like, okay, let's talk about this in

19:40

nature. The bears do this. And

19:43

it'll be something that relates to the plot. You know

19:45

what's really sad, and I'm realizing this now, is that

19:48

no teacher of mine ever said anything that related to

19:50

me in any way. Yeah,

19:52

yeah, I know. Or related to

19:54

my future life or anything I would have to

19:57

know. It was all meaningless. Yeah.

19:59

I mean, and maybe. I'm a dumb shit and

20:01

people think that but hey, that's

20:03

their fault. Hey, at least I have my first kiss

20:06

Sure, they've been last if it

20:08

weren't for school that probably wouldn't happen. Yep. You

20:11

had your first and last kiss on the same day Right.

20:13

Yeah, like gross. It was like my never again. Yeah Do

20:18

the first one and the last one we're gonna do three kisses Kissing

20:21

you you kissing me you kissing the floor Welcome

20:27

to comedy bang bang best of 2023 part one

20:32

We have been going now 20 minutes and I've

20:34

not even introduced this person I'm talking to or

20:36

nor myself But honestly who cares who cares at

20:38

this point? If you're I mean look this is

20:40

I know a lot of people's first episode of

20:42

comedy bang bang But

20:45

we want to set the table for you exactly

20:47

what's happening. My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the

20:49

host of comedy bang bang I've been hosting this

20:51

program for now. We're in

20:53

our 15th year, but our 15th anniversary

20:56

is coming up How is that possible? You

20:58

know, I don't get it and it makes

21:00

me mad and I do believe that we

21:02

are even in Our

21:05

16th calendar year is that is that correct? We started in 2009

21:07

10 11 12 13 14 15 One

21:13

22 23, this is fucking cranno 15th. Yeah 15th.

21:15

Why did you get up to 23? This

21:19

year's 23 because 2023 I'm

21:23

so sorry. I completely zoned out

21:25

on your counting. I'm sorry. I

21:27

would appreciate Paul. Mm-hmm If

21:30

we're gonna continue doing this best of you

21:32

pay close attention when I count Because

21:35

that's that's almost all of it starting next

21:37

year The

21:39

counting part of it is huge when it comes

21:41

to best of But My

21:45

name is Scott Ackerman I've been doing this now for 15

21:47

years and the

21:50

person I am talking to is one of

21:52

our The people who's

21:54

been on the show not only the most you are you

21:56

hold the record of being on the show the

21:58

most other than me But you have

22:00

been on the Earth, or some of the earliest episodes.

22:02

I can't remember what year. You've been on the Earth.

22:05

You've been in the Earth. You've been under the Earth. Under

22:07

the Earth! That's where it's

22:09

grounder. I

22:12

saw a flounder. Of

22:16

life there is dirt! But

22:19

you, I don't know when your first episode was, but I

22:21

would imagine it was like somewhere around six or seven, something

22:23

like that. You were in New York at the time. I

22:25

was going to say 2008. No,

22:28

we started in 2009. Then

22:30

I'm going to say 2009. Oh, yep. I

22:32

do believe you are correct. Because I called in from

22:34

my office at Best Week Ever. That's right. And,

22:37

but you, so one of our earliest guests, and

22:40

also the guest who's been on the most, please

22:43

welcome, you know him as a stand-up comedian.

22:45

You also know him as a wonderful improviser

22:47

and actor. And if

22:49

you are part of his family, you know him as a

22:51

wonderful member of your tribe, your

22:55

extended family, perhaps, a cousin. You may know him as a

22:57

cousin. You may know him as a brother. Yeah.

23:00

Some people know me as a nephew. Not many. Not

23:03

many. But you're lucky if you do. Oh my God, almost all

23:05

my uncles and aunts are dead. Oh no, I'm so sorry. That's

23:07

weird. So sorry to hear that. It's strange.

23:10

Are you an uncle? I am an uncle many times

23:12

over. I'm a great uncle, as a matter of fact.

23:14

Please welcome great uncle Paul F. Tompkins. It's the great

23:16

uncle Paul F. Tompkins. That would

23:18

be great if like this, I don't want to say late

23:21

into your career. I just mean you've been doing it a

23:23

long time. You could say that. It's

23:25

almost over. I know. That's

23:27

what I'm not trying to imply. I'm trying to imply

23:30

you've been doing. I'm trying to infer it and I'm

23:32

succeeding. You've been doing comedy a long time, but it

23:34

would be great if you rebranded as great uncle Paul

23:36

F. Tompkins. I might as well, right? Just

23:38

try it for three months. I might as well. I had

23:41

a guy years ago, comedy

23:44

is great for unsolicited advice. People

23:46

love to tell you what you should do. And

23:49

this is back when I was in Philly and

23:51

I had been doing Santa for a little while.

23:53

And a guy told me that I

23:56

should go out wearing like an Aaron

23:58

sweater and a cap. have a

24:00

mug of beer and do like an Irish character. Not,

24:05

I mean, honestly, I'd watch

24:07

it, but I should use my real name, which

24:10

is like doesn't sound Irish. Um,

24:14

yeah, at this point, why not? But

24:17

what is what a huge, gigantic

24:19

thing to suggest? Yeah, what do you

24:21

do? I think that

24:24

person doesn't know how comedians

24:26

construct their acts where they just go, yeah, just

24:28

switch it up next time, do this. Yeah. And

24:30

come up with a half hour of material between

24:32

now and then. Yeah, just come up, just now,

24:35

do a character and create it

24:37

out of whole cloth. Yeah. No

24:41

direction on what the material would be? I

24:44

would imagine Irish style jokes. I guess

24:46

Irish style jokes. You know, jokes about

24:48

drinking, I would imagine. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

24:51

It's not a bad idea, Paul. I

24:54

know that we're scoffing at this guy, this incredible

24:57

loser. Turn off the mics for a second. Okay,

24:59

I think they're off. I think I pushed the

25:01

right button. Okay, sure. I'm gonna do this. Yeah.

25:04

I'm glad I brought it up because it's like,

25:06

as I'm talking it out, trial balloon, right? Unintentionally.

25:09

But now, like, I was laughing at that guy,

25:11

but now I'm like, what's a great idea. Maybe

25:13

we should be laughing with that guy at your

25:15

act. Mm,

25:17

wait, but are you laughing? Are

25:22

you? No, I'm laughing with that guy with your act.

25:25

Okay. Oh, in the same room as the act, because

25:27

I want to be there in the room while you

25:29

do it. You're not going to download my special? I

25:32

want to be at the taping. And then I also want to watch

25:34

the special to see if like, Okay, Hamilton, how the edit, you want

25:36

to be able to remember where it happens? Call

25:40

me Hamilton. All right,

25:43

turn the mics back on. Okay. Anyway,

25:45

that guy was dumb. Yeah, boy, what a loser.

25:47

That dude, I do remember that he took me,

25:49

he had been doing comedy for longer than I

25:52

had. He was a headliner. And he

25:54

took me on the road with him to

25:56

a bunch of gigs in the Midwest.

25:59

And And I had

26:01

to watch him every night because I had

26:03

to go up. It

26:06

was just a tool. So I had to go up afterwards

26:08

and say, that's our show everybody, good night. Wow.

26:12

Yeah. What if that person said, that's our show

26:14

everyone good night? That

26:16

is interesting because I suggested that. And

26:19

he said, no, I had to do it when I was

26:21

coming up. So now you have to do it. But there's

26:23

a better- That was a great reason. There's a better way

26:25

to do these things. Yeah, there's a better way, which is

26:27

you say good night. That's the end of our show because

26:29

everybody liked you. Yeah. And

26:33

don't make me sit through your act every

26:35

single night. And then he was

26:37

making me split the cost of gas and

26:43

the rental car. He didn't want to

26:45

drive his own car, put the miles on it. So he

26:47

got a rental car. Keep in mind, he

26:50

was making, I think four times the money that I

26:52

was making. Sounds fair. And

26:54

he kept a running tally. So every time he would fill up

26:56

the gas tank, he would say, okay, now you owe me $85.

27:01

Is he rich now, I hope? I

27:03

don't think so. I'm taking advantage of young people like

27:05

you. I don't think so. I don't think so. I

27:07

don't know if that was a good enough scam. But

27:12

you learned a lot, right? You learned a lot about the

27:14

road. I learned, I

27:16

did learn a lot by negative example,

27:18

for sure. That's sometimes

27:20

very useful. It's very, absolutely

27:22

it is. Doesn't get

27:25

enough credit. Yeah. Exactly.

27:27

Your life being shitty and then you try

27:29

to make other people's better. Not gonna do

27:31

that. Yeah. Let

27:34

me tell you about Comedy Bang Bang and what

27:36

it is. This is your first time listening. It

27:38

is a comedy podcast. Okay, what are podcasts? Can

27:41

I say one more story about that? Sure, I

27:43

love it. I'm trying to figure out who this

27:45

guy is. Oh, it's nobody you know. And

27:47

nobody you should know. I know Jerry Seinfeld. Oh,

27:50

then. This

27:52

guy was a married comedian with

27:55

a really wonderful wife that everybody loved,

27:58

right? And he would cheat

28:00

on her on the road. And

28:03

once on the road. Only on the road. Yeah,

28:06

it was easier that way, I think. Never

28:08

back at home, you knew that. As

28:10

far as I think he was, he

28:12

at least was smart enough to not do that. Was

28:14

he doing it brazenly in front of you? Yeah,

28:17

absolutely. To the point where we

28:19

ran into another comedian that we knew, and he

28:23

ended up doing a guest set on the show. Did

28:25

he make him stick around say goodnight? Arm

28:28

and arm with you? But this other comedian,

28:30

he did hang around. And

28:33

then afterwards,

28:35

this other comedian

28:38

started flirting with the girl

28:40

that the shitty comedian

28:42

was flirting with to cheat on his wife

28:44

with. And then the

28:47

other comedian ended up taking the girl back

28:49

to his hotel. And the

28:51

first guy was angry at this. He was

28:53

like, that's not cool. He

28:57

was acting like Bro code had been violated. Wow.

29:03

Boy, these are the types of stories that

29:05

we tell on Comedy Bang Bang. It's all

29:07

just about like comedians and life on the

29:09

road. Oh, wait. Yeah. We

29:11

like shoot the shit. We're busting balls. No, that being at the

29:13

table at the cellar. Hold on. That's every

29:15

other comedy podcast. Oh, yeah, that's right. Here's what we do

29:17

on Comedy Bang Bang. We show videos of us doing crowd

29:20

work. No,

29:23

Comedy Bang Bang is a comedy podcast we've been

29:25

doing in 15 years. I've mentioned that several times

29:28

already. Yeah, if you don't know it. But

29:31

essentially, it's a

29:33

tapping. I'm sorry. Did you say

29:35

sensually? Oh, okay. Oh, someone's in

29:38

the room. Yeah. That's what's happening.

29:40

You did not notice that at all. No.

29:42

Okay. I just kept. It's

29:44

a little Christmas elf. I kept hearing about the things. Coming in off the

29:46

shelf. The Christmas elf is here. Someone in

29:48

the room. Oh, yeah. Oh,

29:50

yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh,

29:53

yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh,

29:55

yeah. Someone in a

29:57

rain slicker has entered the room. Doing

30:00

a choreographed dance. When did you guys

30:02

have time to choreograph this? What

30:06

are you holding? What is it? Well, I

30:08

I believe that's a sponsor of her podcast.

30:10

Oh I want

30:12

that badly. Do you want one? You

30:15

know what? Yeah, I do. Okay I

30:19

don't think we're allowed to say what it is

30:21

on our show because they're not a sponsor But

30:23

I believe the person who's in the room who

30:25

whom I will not identify Has

30:28

their own podcast and it is a sponsor and we

30:30

got Boxes and boxes and boxes of

30:32

these anyone who comes in this room is somebody

30:34

who has their own podcast. Is that strange?

30:38

This wild this is like

30:40

PCC podcast central Okay.

30:44

Mm-hmm. You split up the ice it

30:46

lit up the pod in the camera hyphen. I do.

30:48

Yeah like spider-man. Oh Okay

30:54

She came in behind me that's part of the oh,

30:56

I believe I got a text Saying

30:59

unlock your office door gonna run stuff down to your

31:01

freezer from the outside. Okay, great. Oh It's

31:05

on do not disturb though. You have to admit that's

31:07

gonna be coming up in several of these I'm

31:11

so glad what are we doing today?

31:13

We're counting down Your

31:16

choices for the top episodes of comedy bang

31:18

bang unless this is your first episode that

31:20

you're listening to then you have no Horse

31:23

in this race if you voted on the episodes

31:25

without ever listening to them. That's wild Hey,

31:28

you know a lot of people do it for president. You're

31:30

a fucking lunatic and I love it. I love it You're

31:33

you little weirdos out there, but we're

31:35

gonna be counting down the episodes That

31:38

occurred in the tail end of 2022 and most of

31:40

2023 for all intents and purposes. We're calling it 2023

31:45

That's when they occurred and How

31:48

many are we doing this year Paul? Oh

31:50

god, I hope it's 10 It

31:52

is not 9 no,

31:54

you're going the wrong way. Oh 11 Still

31:58

not even close way up.

32:00

14. Nope. 50? Nope.

32:05

Are you f***ing serious? I'm not kidding you

32:07

all! What's the most we've done prior to

32:09

this? Probably 17, 18.

32:12

We also had ones with a lot of bonus clips. Oh

32:14

yeah, the bonus clips. Jeez Paul! Come

32:16

on you little Grinch, it's Christmas! I'm

32:18

a big Grinch. Don't you body shame

32:21

me? I'm sorry. I've

32:23

never heard anyone say, call it

32:25

body shaming, just say someone's body

32:27

is little. Yeah. You know what

32:30

I mean? Or skinny. Well yeah.

32:32

The Grinch sucks by the way. The Grinch, that

32:34

guy's f***ing sucks. Let's talk about this asshole. I

32:36

can't stand him. First of all,

32:38

he lives on top of a what is that

32:41

a mountain or something like that? He lives in

32:43

a cave on top of a mountain. Like caves

32:45

are in like the woods. Stop putting

32:47

him on the tops of mountains. Exactly! Because

32:50

that's prime real estate. Yeah. Mountain tops?

32:53

They're supposed to be pointy. They're supposed to have a

32:55

cave. I would love to sit in a chair next

32:57

to the Grinch's mountain though. Yeah. And if you can

33:00

get a picture where it encompasses

33:02

like the top of the mountain is still visible

33:04

but also you sitting at the bottom. That'd be

33:06

so great. Yeah, that'd be great. Does anyone do

33:08

you know the pictures of the Leaning Tower of

33:10

Pisa that everyone's always like trying to stuff in

33:12

a sack or holding their hands or... Stuff in

33:14

a sack! Have you not seen those pictures? No!

33:16

The memes of people like putting the Tower of

33:19

Pisa in like a sack or something. I have

33:21

only seen people like trying to push it up.

33:23

Yeah, or like hold it the top and the

33:25

bottom with their hands. I haven't seen that either.

33:27

It's very common, but I wonder

33:29

if anyone does it with Mount Rushmore. They

33:32

should. Like putting their face next to the

33:35

other faces or something like that. Or

33:37

on top of one of the faces. Or like cutting

33:39

out the eyes of like Abe Lincoln and having their

33:41

eyes go through. Or cutting

33:44

out the whole face. Okay,

33:47

now what are you talking about? Are you talking about

33:49

this is in the picture? Yeah, in the picture. It

33:51

would be cool if like someone would cut out Abraham

33:53

Lincoln's face and drill all the way to the

33:55

back of the mountain. Okay, so you're talking about the actual map. This

33:58

is what I'm trying to get. Yes! So

34:00

to cut out, to cut

34:03

out just the eyes of Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. And then

34:05

the idea is you're going to put your eyes in

34:07

there. Yeah. But then your eyes would

34:09

be so little. Yeah.

34:11

So you'd always have to be closer to

34:13

the camera. You'd have to be much closer to

34:15

the camera while also being behind

34:17

Abraham Lincoln. And then Photoshop the rest of your

34:19

body out. Is there anything behind the heads? Can

34:22

you like walk around there and look out? Yeah,

34:24

I wonder. With their mouths or whatever. I

34:26

wonder if there's like a drive-in movie theater or

34:29

anything behind there. That would be fun. Wouldn't

34:31

that be cool to like, they should show movies

34:33

on Mount Rushmore. Yeah. Because

34:35

then more people would go to it. Yeah. You know what

34:37

I mean? And then it's like that thing where if like,

34:39

so let's say you're watching Lincoln. Oh,

34:42

that would be so fun. They only show

34:44

movies that have those people in it

34:46

or people with those names in it. Yeah.

34:48

Yeah. So Denzel Washington movies. Absolutely. And

34:50

then if Denzel Washington's face lines up

34:53

with George Washington's face, everybody cheers and

34:55

hearts their arms. Yeah. Yeah.

34:57

Yeah. This is a good idea.

34:59

Do you remember when we saw Jaws of Drive-In?

35:01

Yeah. During COVID times. Right. I just said you're

35:03

going to eat a bigger boat. Everyone

35:06

honked. Honked. Well, we

35:08

were all, we were all, we

35:10

didn't even know, this was during the COVID times when we

35:12

didn't know that we could be outside and be okay. So

35:15

we were all wearing masks and still six feet from

35:17

each other. Yeah. Uh, even at

35:19

the drive-in movie theater outdoors and. Because of

35:21

Fauci, that traitor. All

35:23

right. We can't, this is every other comedy

35:26

podcast. That's right. Um,

35:28

let's get to it, Paul. We need to get to it. We're going

35:30

to do, how many are we doing? 16,

35:32

my dear boy. I don't understand why

35:34

he's 16, but okay. Four

35:37

per episode, of course. Okay.

35:42

You seem exasperated by it. I just think like,

35:44

it's the, I think it's the, we always do

35:46

around this. It's almost a, like

35:48

an OCD thing where it feels, 16 feels

35:52

like a weird number and it feels wrong to

35:54

me. 10's too few. I think

35:56

10 is not too few. But for four episodes,

35:59

how do we. break it up. Make the

36:02

episode shorter? No! We've

36:04

done this for now 15 years! I should

36:06

have guessed longer and longer! No! It's exactly

36:08

the same amount for the past 10 at

36:10

least. What? Same

36:12

amount of what? Same amount of time,

36:14

definitely, for how long the episodes are. They

36:17

don't vary. Doesn't feel like it. But

36:19

I- They don't vary? No, but we always do about

36:21

14, between 14 and 15, 16, somewhere around there.

36:25

It didn't used to be that way. I think. I

36:28

think. But

36:30

what do I know? That's your opinion. Let's

36:33

get to it. You have to get to it.

36:35

We're going to be counting down your choices for

36:38

the top 16 episodes. Let's

36:40

get to it. Let's start it off here with

36:43

number 16. Number

36:45

one, six. All right.

36:47

So we have to just call

36:49

it out. Yeah. We

36:51

didn't record the numbers again. Okay.

36:54

We are- I feel

36:57

like this happens every year, Scott. Where

36:59

we beseech the listeners.

37:01

Please remind us to

37:04

record the numbers. And do it early. I

37:06

think we said it earlier and earlier in

37:08

the year and then no one ever reminds

37:10

us. I think this time it was June.

37:12

We said, please remind us. I

37:14

think we may have gone even up to April or

37:16

something this year. Yeah. Not a single person. Not a

37:18

single person reminded us. So we just forgot. Yeah.

37:21

Because we needed somebody to remind us. They

37:24

don't make alarm clocks for reminding someone to record

37:26

best of numbers. No. If they did, I would

37:28

buy it. I'd be the first person in line

37:30

of Bed Bath and Beyond to buy that clock.

37:33

And you know who would have invented it? That

37:35

guy on the Gilded Age, I bet. Have

37:38

you been watching the Gilded Age? I

37:42

figured out the Gilded Age, by the way, with this last episode.

37:44

Yeah. No spoilers for it if you haven't watched it. Go

37:47

ahead. Gilded Age is entourage. Everything

37:50

works out for every character. It's true.

37:53

There's a little drama occasionally

37:56

of like, is this going to work out? And then the

37:58

last episode is everything works out. out for

38:00

everybody. Yes. And like

38:02

Entourage, some of the people are just stone

38:05

evil and things shouldn't work out for them.

38:07

Right. But they do. Remember

38:09

the one good season of

38:11

Entourage where nope. I thought

38:13

that the interesting season was

38:15

where Vinny was losing popularity

38:18

and couldn't get cast in movies. It

38:21

was in an entire season arc where it was

38:23

like, I think this guy might

38:25

not be a movie star anymore. Maybe he has to

38:28

start doing TV or something like that. And then the

38:30

very last episode, everything was shitty for him. And the

38:32

very last episode, Martin Scorsese comes in and goes, I

38:34

want you to start my next movie. And everyone goes,

38:37

yeah. Was

38:40

that the season where he had the drug problem? Yeah,

38:42

I think so. Yeah. Oh, what I

38:44

remember most about that is, and I

38:47

think I watched every episode except for the last

38:49

season. I don't think I watched the last season.

38:51

Lucky you. Yeah. The movie? Wish

38:54

I'd... No. Our good friend Han job is

38:56

in it. Good for you, Han job. So

39:01

there's a scene where

39:03

he's on Jay Leno and

39:07

supposedly he's acting so erratically and everybody's like,

39:09

oh my God, this is a disaster. He's

39:11

exactly the same. He's

39:13

like, hey, Jay. Anyway, here's

39:16

the clip. It was so

39:18

weird. It was so weird.

39:20

I thought I was going crazy. Like this is

39:22

the way this guy always is. Right. And everybody

39:24

else is acting like, what's happening to him? What's

39:27

happening to Vinnie? Vinnie Chase? Is that his name?

39:29

He was Queens Boulevard. He was Queens Boulevard. You

39:32

can't argue with that, Paul. Then he was uh,

39:35

Medin. And then he was

39:37

Aquaman. So why do I... I mean, I did

39:39

watch Olive Entourage and it was strangely just comforting

39:41

to watch a show where everything just worked out

39:43

for the main character. Because it's like wish fulfillment.

39:45

You want everything to work out for your own

39:47

life. Yeah, but why did it have to be

39:49

those guys? I know, but you know what I

39:52

mean? Now Gilded Age is very similar in a

39:54

lot of ways, where,

39:56

you know, the characters were going through a lot

39:58

of upheaval. last few episodes

40:01

and then the very last episode just

40:03

deus ex machina everything was okay for

40:06

everyone again. Absolutely Um, why

40:08

is it better with that? Is

40:10

it because there are great new york stage actors

40:13

in that yeah, maybe and under us starred those

40:15

guys maybe yeah Because and also because it's from

40:17

an age where all those people are long dead.

40:19

You don't know anybody like that Yeah, and um,

40:22

and we're our best friends are big huge movie

40:24

stars Exactly. And so

40:26

it's yeah, it takes away from it a little

40:28

bit Uh, I

40:30

my favorite thing about the gilded age, uh

40:33

is Hands down nathan lain. Yeah,

40:35

and I would you you you I

40:37

would murder someone to play that role

40:39

on that boring show Well

40:42

now I thought it'd just going

40:44

around I love it.

40:46

I love it. The opera will not

40:49

succeed He's doing the scenery and I

40:51

love it crazy ass mustache. So great.

40:53

So good But then I said this

40:55

before an entire season long

40:57

arc this year was about can

41:00

a guy fix his alarm clock? Yeah, and

41:02

it would be just when you forgot all about it

41:05

Because they they would spend 10 seconds

41:07

on it. Yes per episode and

41:10

then at one point the alarm clock goes off Yes,

41:12

and it it was

41:14

the most the closest you could come to something

41:17

being satisfying on that show Yeah, it was

41:19

good and and paid off in a wonderful

41:21

way. But what we're trying to say is

41:24

There is uh, there is no

41:26

alarm clock for uh, Yeah,

41:29

this is all to say there's no

41:31

alarm clock to remind you when to

41:34

record things. Yes And they

41:36

should make one and we would you know what we

41:38

would buy it But without that it

41:40

is up to you dear listener another to

41:42

remind us another challenge to the listener. Can

41:44

you? Invent that

41:46

clock Invent the clock and

41:48

then we'll buy that and it will

41:51

no longer be your responsibility. Yeah,

41:53

exactly Exactly.

41:56

And when should it go off? When when should the

41:58

alarm clock go off? It should go off February

42:01

28th. 29th this year

42:03

I'll even say. 28th. Shouldn't

42:06

they make a leap year version

42:09

though in case there is a 29th? Well they should but I don't think

42:11

we're gonna need it. But it's okay. It's

42:13

for other people who need to record countdown

42:15

numbers. Sure. But you don't think you

42:17

don't think we should extend this deadline till the 29th?

42:19

I don't think so. I think that I

42:23

think that if we have the clock and

42:25

you have precious little time to invent it. Yeah.

42:28

If we have the clock we will absolutely

42:30

record them. It goes off on the 28th.

42:32

It goes off on the 28th. We'll record

42:34

them on the 29th. Is it standard alarm

42:36

like brrrring or? I think it

42:40

should be programmable. Where it's

42:42

like you could either have the classic alarm clock sound

42:44

or like a radio station comes on. Or you

42:46

can have like yeah or radio station your favorite

42:48

radio station. Or like Vin

42:51

Diesel say like hey look okay

42:53

now I only want to accept

42:55

it if Vin Diesel. Invent

42:58

the clock this year you have two months to do

43:00

it. Yeah. And it doesn't have to be the

43:02

door locked. Did you lock the door? No of course

43:05

I did not. But we have some we have

43:07

some good news here. Paul you.

43:09

Oh my god I thought it was the

43:11

same person because of the same raincoat. The

43:13

exact same raincoat. But no it's two different

43:16

people. And

43:18

I will not identify this person either. No

43:20

their identity will be protected. But of course

43:22

they have a podcast. Some

43:26

good news Paul you

43:28

forgot or I

43:30

shouldn't say forgot but you forgot where you put it. Well

43:33

we did some we did some clearing out of

43:35

the garage. Which entailed taking everything out of the

43:37

garage getting rid of some stuff putting the remainder

43:40

of the stuff back in the garage. But right

43:42

so you threw away stuff that was in the

43:44

garage. Yes like your car and oh

43:46

my god yes. We had a two car garage. That took up

43:48

so much room in your garage. Yeah now that you can walk

43:50

around in there. Oh man. But in the

43:52

putting back of things they were put

43:55

back higgledy-piggledy. And

43:57

so there was an item that

43:59

is in there somewhere. but I couldn't tell you

44:01

where. It's definitely in there, but I could

44:03

not find it in time. And that of course was the

44:06

Christmas snowman from the famous Christmas snowman. That's

44:08

right. And you

44:11

let me know this with mere minutes before

44:13

the the recording was going

44:15

to start. It was a great shame and bitterness in my heart

44:17

that I had to tell you. And this

44:20

person... Unnamed hero. Unnamed

44:22

hero came to the rescue. Look, it's

44:25

Mark Wahlberg. Oh yeah.

44:27

He he was... He didn't

44:30

get the chance to be the hero on 9-11 and be

44:32

on that plane and stop 9-11. That's

44:34

right. So he was looking

44:36

for an opportunity to be a hero. That's right.

44:39

And so he went out and bought another Christmas

44:41

snowman. Yes. Scott and Scott called him interrupted his

44:43

rosary. And he said

44:45

let me just get prayed up and then I will

44:47

go and get the snowman. Did you watch his reality

44:49

show? No. I did. It

44:51

was COVID. We had nothing else to do. It was

44:53

snowman. We had nothing to do. But

44:58

we have the snowman. We're going to be playing it

45:00

at the end of each episode. So this is very

45:02

exciting. Thank you very much. Really appreciate it. We

45:05

have to get to this clip, Paul. We simply have

45:07

to. By the way, one thing I did want to

45:09

say about the numbers. The

45:11

good news this year. These are

45:13

the same numbers we've been using now. Classic numbers.

45:15

For 15 years. Yeah. The good news

45:17

this year. For one, five years. The

45:21

good news this year is there's someone who's

45:24

been writing to me every year saying like,

45:26

hey, why don't you officially license these numbers?

45:30

It's relatively cheap. But

45:33

it always happens after we've already recorded it and

45:35

we're on Christmas vacation. And for some reason, I

45:37

did remember that there was not an alarm clock

45:39

invented to remind me of that. But

45:42

I was reminded of it before

45:45

we started these best ofs. And our

45:47

producer, Kimme, reached out and we have

45:49

officially licensed the numbers retroactively

45:51

for the entire the

45:54

entirety of. What does that mean? Meaning

45:56

that someone many moons

45:58

ago recorded these numbers. Yeah, and

46:00

we just downloaded them on the internet right?

46:03

I believe one of our original producers just found them

46:05

on on a website And we've been using

46:07

them now. So it's very sketchy and

46:11

There was a lot of malware and spyware Somehow

46:16

someone now has this just roads me

46:18

they have a video of me masturbating

46:24

And I had to give them several Bitcoin in order

46:26

to take it down off the internet only way yeah

46:30

But we have officially licensed these numbers we

46:32

can use them now though We it's retroactive

46:34

and we can use them in perpetuity. Okay,

46:37

you were losing using them illegally before is

46:39

that man? We

46:45

just found them on the internet and They

46:48

were just there hmm, you know like a lot

46:50

of things I just found this diamond necklace in

46:52

the jewelry store When

46:54

people say you wouldn't you wouldn't

46:56

steal a car just by touching a button.

46:58

Yeah That's

47:02

the easiest way to do it right now you have

47:04

to break into it and hotwire it In

47:10

any case we're all good on the numbers just in

47:12

case you don't invent these alarm clocks that have Vin

47:14

Diesel's voice Telling us to rerecord the number would be

47:16

weird. So we have these for forever. No, it would

47:18

be weird If you didn't invent that clock Yeah, it

47:21

would be very strange if you didn't because you have

47:23

two months to do it and to contact Vin Diesel

47:25

and to get him to record forget the Hey,

47:30

is that a good are you root? No,

47:32

I am Let's

47:36

get to it this is number 16 This

47:40

is Let me explain the format

47:42

of comedy bang bang because this always is someone's

47:44

first episode that they're listening to comedy

47:47

bang bang is me as the host Scott Ackerman

47:49

and We usually have

47:51

a celebrity on No,

47:55

I Mean

47:57

you are certainly one letter of a celebrity Not

48:00

maybe not a list but wireless Hey,

48:04

why list this? But

48:07

we have a usually a celebrity on to

48:09

as themselves to promote something of course during

48:11

the strike that was harder and harder We

48:13

had a lot of authors. Yeah and podcast

48:16

hosts. Yeah, we'll have a celebrity on and

48:18

then the Succeeding

48:21

guests are comedians playing

48:24

characters usually

48:26

insane people Accentrics

48:30

Sometimes sad sad sometimes sometimes

48:32

happy sometimes impressions of real

48:35

people and These

48:38

are comedians doing it and the entire

48:40

show is improvised. We never talk about

48:42

what we're gonna talk about beforehand And

48:45

we just spin that into podcast

48:48

gold that's right And

48:51

so what you're going to be hearing over

48:53

these episodes are a series of clips from

48:56

these episodes where Sometimes

48:58

we'll be talking to the celebrities and sometimes you'll

49:01

be hearing comedians as other people So that's I

49:03

just wanted to get that very clear now

49:05

50 minutes into Alright

49:13

This is episode 16 This

49:15

is episode 839

49:18

ooh mid 800s almost.

49:21

Yep, and this is from November 19

49:26

No, no, no 19. That's right.

49:28

That's very recent This is in

49:31

fact the most recent episode eligible

49:33

for inclusion Congrats the very last

49:35

episode that we recorded that was

49:37

eligible. That is just cracking our

49:39

top 16 This

49:42

was a little episode called

49:45

Oh behave Oh

49:48

period be period hey not have

49:51

which reads like oh be have

49:54

Until you hear the episode This

49:56

was our first episode back after the strike,

49:59

which meant stars are

50:01

back. That's right. That's right. We had

50:03

a fallow period from the summer until...

50:05

Where Jimmy Fallow was on. Yes. Jay

50:09

Lalo. I don't even

50:11

know what I'm

50:14

saying. So stars were back. Our old

50:16

friend John Ham, whom

50:18

I had reached out to maybe a month before the strike

50:20

ended and said, hey, do you want to come on Bang

50:22

Bang to do, to promote

50:24

Fargo? And he said, I can't.

50:26

I was like, oh, right. The strike.

50:29

You forgot? For some reason, I forgot. I

50:31

just saw Fargo was coming out and like,

50:33

let me get John on the show thinking

50:35

I'll get my friend John, not, you know,

50:37

SAG actor John. But

50:40

the minute the strike was over, he wrote

50:43

back and said, like, let's do it. And

50:45

he fit it into his busy press schedule. It's

50:47

always great to have him on the show. He

50:49

was also one of our first people to be

50:51

on 15 years ago. He's been on many episodes.

50:55

So we'll hear a little bit from John

50:57

on this clip. And then we

50:59

will hear comedian Drew Tarver, that

51:01

people may know from the television show,

51:03

The Other Two. He's

51:06

playing a new character,

51:08

music festival expert Jesse. So

51:13

let's hear it. This is your number 16. Number one,

51:16

six. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to

51:18

see Fargo a big fan of the show.

51:21

And cannot wait to see you in it. It

51:23

may take me out of it a little

51:25

bit because we're friends. Listen, I can talk

51:28

about it. This is the John Ham guarantee.

51:30

You might have that experience 10, 15

51:33

seconds. I'm like, Hey, that's my friend John. Oh,

51:35

that's cool. And then suddenly, 15 seconds later, you're

51:38

gone. You're in that you're in it. You're in

51:40

Fargo. I will tell you whoever this guy is

51:43

that's talking to you, he's gonna scary a little bit.

51:45

But he's not he's certainly not good old John. He'll

51:47

be above the law from what I hear. No, sir.

51:49

You're like, this guy might go rogue.

51:51

And I'm a little scared.

51:53

I will say that the point where you might

51:55

text me and go like, are we cool? Are

51:57

we alright? Because you're scared even though I don't

52:00

recognize you anymore. It is a

52:02

testament to both you and Bob

52:04

Odenkirk's acting that even though I know

52:06

you guys well, I

52:08

have lost myself in your characters in

52:11

all of your shows. And

52:13

it's not like that with some people. Any

52:16

number of people that I know, if they pop up in

52:18

a show, I'll suddenly start to look at the set and

52:21

the props and realize that they

52:23

all have sides that they're sitting on underneath

52:25

the couch and stuff like that. But with

52:27

you, I've definitely done that a couple times.

52:29

Where you see something in somebody's back pocket

52:31

and you're like, I know that those are

52:33

sides. I know that's a phone and I know

52:35

that those are sides and this is Game of

52:37

Thrones. They shouldn't have either one of them. That's

52:39

the thing. And we've talked about with Amy Poehler,

52:41

like if you, any TV show, just

52:44

realize that everyone is sitting on pages with

52:46

lines on them. One

52:49

layer under whatever things are on

52:51

the desk. They're hiding them somewhere.

52:56

Let's get to our next guest. He's an expert. This

53:00

is exciting. I've never talked to an expert on this

53:02

show before, but please welcome to the show for the

53:04

first time, Jesse. How we doing? How are you? We're

53:06

doing good. I mean, if I'm doing good, I don't

53:09

want to speak for John Hill. Oh, I'm John. How

53:11

are we doing? Thanks. Yeah. Stars

53:14

are back. Stars are back on the show. We're back.

53:16

You almost said we're back. I was worried. I

53:19

changed it very quickly. I am not a star.

53:21

You're not. No, they're back. To be

53:23

frank, when I saw your face, I was like, has

53:25

he been at the star of major movies and television

53:27

shows? No, a lot of people say I looked like

53:29

a melted version of a real celebrity. Sort

53:34

of a madam too-so's accident. Right.

53:37

Although, like Harry Dean Stanton, he sort of looked like

53:39

a melted version of- Rest in peace. Rest

53:41

in peace. RIP. I'm blanking on what

53:43

his face looks like. You're in between

53:46

a celebrity and Harry Dean Stanton, I would say.

53:48

There we go. You're just

53:50

melted enough. Between celeb and Dean

53:52

Stanton. Okay. How

53:55

we doing? You don't need

53:57

to keep asking us that. We're doing all right. I

54:01

will keep checking it a little change quit it may yeah,

54:04

it may it's about to change right now if you don't

54:06

get to your thing You

54:09

are gonna be angry if I don't set up this premise Well,

54:14

I am an expert and I am

54:16

an expert on music festivals music I

54:19

have been to all of them and

54:21

I love let's list them Coachella the

54:23

rest the rest And

54:26

I'm glad that you skipped the rest cuz mine

54:28

is only about the child. Oh, okay, but there's

54:30

all a polluza There's outside land sure

54:32

glass. Oh right bumba shoot very bum.

54:34

Yes. Yes Yeah, I feel

54:37

like it's something when they started just

54:39

going making making those names I know

54:41

after lollipoluza, I'll bumba dumb bingle dong

54:43

bakl bakki bew. Yeah bakl bakki bew

54:46

Dumbledore Door is a good

54:48

one But I am excited for

54:50

this year's Coachella and I have all of the

54:52

recommendations that you're gonna want to go, okay Because

54:55

I don't think the lineups has been hasn't been Inside

54:59

info, okay. Tell us in

55:02

one of the porta-potties last year and

55:04

they packed me away Took

55:07

you to the office where they make all

55:09

these feet of the office and I'm a

55:11

couple floors below where they make the decisions

55:14

Oh, wow, though. I have been hearing a

55:16

lot of cool Wow. Tell us I mean,

55:18

yeah Yeah, this I mean Coachella is usually

55:20

in April. That's right and it's coming up

55:22

There's two weekends in April April and this

55:24

year you have to see Maggie Rogers. Okay,

55:26

Maggie Rogers is gonna be there She Maggie

55:29

Rogers has been there a couple of

55:31

times She has and she's back and she's

55:33

gonna be at the Dyson vacuum 360 stage

55:35

and it's gonna be very fun Oh interesting.

55:37

Yes, and don't leave too early because when

55:40

you leave you will be able to walk

55:42

out of there with a few Dyson

55:45

bags Those

55:47

are bagless vacuum, but they're bringing back back

55:49

They're bringing back the actions of the day

55:51

the way you have to carry your vacuum

55:53

in something and that would be a Dyson

55:55

bag Yeah, yeah, it's not the bags that

55:57

go inside them It's

56:00

the carrying case. Sure. Like a

56:02

travel case? A travel case. You don't want to get

56:04

your vacuum dirty. No. And if you're

56:06

traveling to a very dusty place, you're going to need that vacuum. You're going

56:08

to need a dust coat. You never know where you're headed. And

56:10

you want to have your glasses on. Usually you do

56:13

know where you've bought the plane ticket. Sometimes I'll show

56:15

up to the airport and I've got no idea. Surprise

56:17

me. Surprise me. Yeah, spin the wheel. Do they

56:19

always send you the most expensive place? Yeah, they

56:21

do. PSA loves that, right? They absolutely take it

56:23

that way. When you say you don't know where

56:25

you're going. They fully

56:27

kill me. Right?

56:30

Are you in debt right now? Yeah. Oh yes.

56:33

Yes. Now, did Dyson choose to

56:35

sponsor this particular stage because they want everybody to vacuum

56:37

up the desert? Yeah, that's

56:39

what we're hearing. That's the solution that

56:42

no one has ever talked about. It's like there's all

56:44

these arid deserts with no water. Yeah,

56:47

vacuum that up. Vacuum it all up. We're

56:49

tired. Make it dusty. We don't

56:51

need... We could clean these things up, these

56:53

deserts. And why don't we sweep

56:55

the floors in California? There aren't so many... Sweep

56:57

the floors for a solution. I think we should

56:59

start sweeping the floor, waxing the fence, painting

57:02

the fence, and then maybe wax on or

57:04

wax off. Nobody takes care of anything anymore.

57:07

That's right. Nobody does it anymore. Wait, but you're

57:09

here to talk about Coachella. You're not here to talk. You're not here

57:11

to start off on a chunk about nobody taking care of anything anymore.

57:13

You're right. I think that's a fun little

57:15

side thing that maybe we could find something. Now,

57:18

Mr. Rogers' daughter Maggie is performing.

57:21

I did not know that. That's

57:23

an interesting piece of trivia. That's Mr. Rogers' offer. Well,

57:25

she comes on stage, she takes off her shoes and

57:27

her cardigan, and then she does her music. So,

57:30

it's pretty cool. Anyway...

57:33

By the way, about Mr. Rogers, thank God he

57:35

was wearing a shirt underneath that cardigan. That would

57:37

have been a very different show. That would have

57:39

been so different. Can you imagine episode one, he

57:41

takes off his cardigan, he's just... Talking

57:43

to children and puppets with a bear chest. Yeah, that

57:45

wouldn't have been right. But guys, Fred Rogers... Fred, hey,

57:47

we've got a couple notes. We heard of notes. It's

57:49

Steve from PBS. We've got a couple notes. Oh, you

57:51

want me to take off the pants? Yep. No,

57:54

Fred. What I would like, and

57:56

just hear us out, is just maybe a t-shirt

57:58

or some other layer underneath. the cardigan. Yeah.

58:00

Real quick, do you guys know if there's

58:03

a Hollister nearby and if they're having a

58:05

sale on underwear and I need to buy

58:07

the biggest, loosest box I could find? What?

58:09

I don't even know what a

58:12

Hollister is. I guess that's the antiquated reference.

58:16

You lost me at Hollister. Damn. For the

58:18

new era. Why do these underpants need to

58:20

be so big? You know, I'm that type

58:22

of guy that wears jeans and his box

58:24

that's kind of right up in below. Way

58:26

up top. Way up top. You know that

58:28

guy. Is there a name for that sort

58:30

of puffy part of the boxer?

58:32

There should be. There should be because if you

58:34

want to get a... Like they should call that

58:36

the Nimbus. The Nimbus. You want a Nimbus if

58:39

you want to be a cool guy. Just overflowing

58:41

like when you order soup and they

58:43

deliver it and you pour it in a bowl and you're like,

58:45

holy shit, this is gonna go over the top of the bowl.

58:47

Yeah. Stop giving us so much soup. This is

58:49

the thing. I'll pay for it even if

58:51

it's less. Or give me the soup and give

58:53

me the little milkshake cup off the side with that solution.

58:56

Or give me the soup and then buy me new

58:58

bowls. So they're bigger. Should I go back to the

59:00

bit or should we talk about soup? I don't

59:02

know. I don't really know. To be honest, it's

59:04

a coin flip at this point. Listen, you don't

59:06

want to miss Calvin Harris this year. He

59:08

will be there. And then you want to grab

59:10

a beer at the Off Bug Spray Baller's Only

59:13

Lounge. You're gonna love it there. Love

59:16

it there. Okay. What is the Off Bug? Oh,

59:18

I know it. Off Bug

59:20

Spray. I thought this was like Off-Broadway where you

59:23

connect with the bug spray. But

59:25

the lounge is only for ballers.

59:28

Ballers only. Oh, okay. Yeah. So

59:30

if you're cool and you also hate

59:32

mosquitoes, this lounge is perfect. For sure.

59:34

And you're clearly cool if you're coming

59:36

from that Calvin Harris show. Not his

59:38

real name, by the way. Really? No.

59:40

What's his actual name? Something else. And

59:42

Hobbs? Austin Powers.

59:46

Hobbs? Hobbs? Hobbs? Hey, there's

59:48

a really good network. I

59:50

love that network. You're

59:54

gonna want to get VIP. Oh, really? You are

59:56

gonna want to. You can't. What's going on? This

59:58

I know. Well, you get access. us to

1:00:00

a Fakesbook Marketplace golf cart and that's

1:00:02

going to be very fun for you.

1:00:04

What? I blew

1:00:06

it. All I had to do was say Facebook. You

1:00:11

said Fakesbook. You said

1:00:13

Fakesbook. Fakesbook. And

1:00:15

I blew it. You

1:00:17

could mispronounce something ever so slightly and it

1:00:19

just ruins it. It takes

1:00:21

you on this marketplace. Yes. Which

1:00:26

is a marketplace that only sells fake books. Right.

1:00:29

So like we're talking Moby Dick but it

1:00:31

ain't right. Moby

1:00:35

Dick there's no whale. There's no whale. It's just about

1:00:37

a penis. Somebody tried to do it. Yeah. It's

1:00:40

mostly about a penis. A vegan penis. Yeah. The

1:00:43

first line call who Ahab? Exactly. There's

1:00:45

so many. Oh, no way. Dishmail.

1:00:48

But yeah. One of the most famous

1:00:51

opening lines is Bill Meade. I

1:00:53

pulled a Facebook. You Facebook that. Right.

1:00:57

Right. Quick. It's called Natalie

1:00:59

Portman and it's all about Moby's Dick. Yeah.

1:01:02

They combine a lot of that news story. You

1:01:04

should be an MTV VJ. I

1:01:06

remember these things. Pulling trivia like that.

1:01:09

Yeah. The Fakesbook golf cart is really

1:01:12

awesome because on there you can get

1:01:14

a free neck tattoo of your favorite

1:01:16

big tech CEO. Feel free

1:01:18

to look down at your notes the entire time

1:01:20

instead of trying to maintain eye contact and then

1:01:22

messing up all of your punch lines. But

1:01:25

I want to look up as well. You

1:01:29

know we're not on camera, right? I can't

1:01:31

figure out if I should improvise or do

1:01:34

a written thing. It's hard

1:01:36

to go back and forth in between the two. You're somewhere in

1:01:38

between in the middle of a sentence. Somehow

1:01:40

I'm doing neither well. And

1:01:45

Scott, this year Mezcal butt plugs are

1:01:47

back. Oh, yes. Thank God. Did they

1:01:50

ever go away? They

1:01:53

were not there last year. Fair enough. Fair

1:01:55

enough. Go ahead and shove some smokey alcohol up your

1:01:58

butt so you don't miss any of the... blows

1:02:00

set. Okay. What

1:02:03

do you have next on this list? What do I got?

1:02:05

Let's see what I got. Feel

1:02:08

free to look at it. Time is here. Okay.

1:02:11

Time is going to be there.

1:02:13

Great. It's been a while

1:02:15

since they've headlined Coachella. I know, and they are

1:02:17

back. If you love singer-songwriters, you're going to love

1:02:19

them, and then right at the end of their

1:02:21

set, they are going to throw their keyboard player.

1:02:24

Goddamn. You are trying to maintain

1:02:26

icon deck so hard to prove

1:02:28

you could do it. We

1:02:30

don't care. It's not blown. The punchline isn't

1:02:32

blown yet. They're going to throw their keyboard

1:02:35

player through the window of a Tesla Cybertruck

1:02:37

to see if it breaks. So

1:02:39

that's really exciting. That's not one of the

1:02:41

three Heim girls, though. No, no, no. It's

1:02:43

another person who plays the keyboard. Okay, good.

1:02:46

Also, this year, you get three free

1:02:48

pukes in any Uber XL. Oh,

1:02:51

amazing. So that's exciting. Okay. It's

1:02:54

really exciting. Yeah. And Scott, real

1:02:56

quick, do you have any Parrot Bay? Parrot

1:02:58

Bay? It's

1:03:01

a liquor. It's a rum. Yeah, I

1:03:04

don't believe I have any Parrot Bay on me. So I

1:03:06

can't get a Parrot Bay Neat right now? No.

1:03:09

All right, cool. Just thought

1:03:11

I'd check. Real specific order. I

1:03:13

think that one you didn't fuck up. I

1:03:16

think that... Let's

1:03:19

see, guys. Before Sam Smith

1:03:22

hits the stage. Look,

1:03:25

can you just do one more and do it

1:03:27

strong and just read it the entire time? Okay, okay.

1:03:29

Let me pick one here. I like where you're going with

1:03:31

Sam Smith. You did like that one. Yes, I think that's

1:03:33

a lot of things. Is that the one you're going to

1:03:35

end with? Okay, look down at it.

1:03:37

Do not look it up. Say every word. I

1:03:40

want to connect, though. We don't find... It

1:03:42

feels like the connection is the problem. Is the problem?

1:03:44

I think so. Just be reading. Maybe

1:03:47

you're getting lost in Scott's eyes. You're right. He's

1:03:50

got those baby blues. John is doing 16 pages a

1:03:52

day. You can't even do one line. I can't do

1:03:54

a thing. All right. Before

1:03:56

Sam Smith hits the stage. Microdose

1:03:58

while you sign up for TSM. say pre-check with

1:04:00

the US Department of Homeland Security. Is

1:04:03

that words? You hit our eyes at the very

1:04:05

end of it when you were confident you had

1:04:07

the olive yellow. Real quick though. Yeah. Can

1:04:10

I get some jello shots? I'm thirsty. Now

1:04:12

that we can do. Number one, six.

1:04:15

Ah, there we go. Obie Haive.

1:04:20

What can be said? What can be said about Obie

1:04:22

Haive other than very funny, Drew

1:04:24

is an insane person. That's

1:04:27

true. A little later after that

1:04:29

clip in the episode, if you go back and listen to

1:04:31

the entire episode, Ryan Gall is

1:04:33

on it as Doug Gropes. Always a pleasure to have

1:04:35

Ryan. He's very sane. Yes. Go

1:04:39

back and listen to Ryan Gall's episodes if you

1:04:41

want to hear his actual phone number that people

1:04:43

still call him and text him on every single

1:04:45

day. He tries

1:04:48

to give it out once per episode. Don't

1:04:50

they really? Lately he does, yeah. Wow.

1:04:54

But we're going to take a break. Our

1:04:56

first break of the

1:04:58

episode. We're going to take

1:05:00

a break and when we come back we're going to

1:05:02

hear your episode 15. This is very

1:05:04

exciting. Paul, I need you

1:05:06

to get your excitement level up. I'm

1:05:08

there! Okay, we'll be right back. This

1:05:14

show, Comedy Bang Bang, is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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1:06:11

bang bang. Comedy

1:06:14

bang bang, best of 2023 part one.

1:06:18

We are back. Paul F. Tompkins is here

1:06:21

with that. That's right, I am. And we

1:06:23

just heard episode 16 and

1:06:25

Paul, you know what comes next. Yeah.

1:06:30

Soon enough for us all, but no. Actually

1:06:32

we're going to be, we're counting down this year by the way.

1:06:35

We're not doing 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. We're counting down.

1:06:39

Oh, I thought, yeah, I was gonna say, why did we start at

1:06:41

16 if we're gonna go up to 100? We're

1:06:45

counting down so we can only

1:06:47

do now episode number 15. Number

1:06:51

one, five. All right, episode 15.

1:06:54

This is episode 787. A lot

1:06:56

of people hated this one. Yeah.

1:07:00

That's any episode. It's very strange that it

1:07:02

made the top 16. So

1:07:05

the last one that we had was 839. This is 787. This is from December

1:07:12

4th of 2022, which I know it's confusing.

1:07:14

We're doing the best of 2023. What's December

1:07:16

4th doing there? That

1:07:18

is our, because when

1:07:20

we record this, that's, we

1:07:22

do it from Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving. Take it up

1:07:25

with the judge. Yeah. Judge Ito. Judge

1:07:27

Lance Ito. Or look, take it up with

1:07:29

one of the dancing Itos. I don't care.

1:07:32

Whatever happened. They were good. They were good. They're

1:07:35

a good truth. Do you think they stayed together?

1:07:37

It would be

1:07:39

great to watch so you think you could

1:07:41

dance. Yeah. And the fucking dancing Itos come

1:07:44

out. They were some of the originators of

1:07:46

the game. Yeah, it's true. It's why don't

1:07:48

they get enough respect? Why don't we see

1:07:50

tributes to them on the Grammys? Where they're

1:07:52

starting the walk of fame? Yeah. Okay, this

1:07:54

is from December 4th 2022. It is a or

1:07:59

an episode. episode called Nature

1:08:03

Nurture Nietzsche. Paul

1:08:07

would it surprise you to learn that you're in this?

1:08:09

It would because that title meant nothing to me. That

1:08:14

title meant nothing to me. Okay.

1:08:16

Well, what is this? This is an

1:08:18

episode that our friend Christian Bruin was on.

1:08:21

Christian, of course, we got to know, he's an actor

1:08:25

that we got to know when he was on Orphan

1:08:27

Black. He and Tatiana Maslany

1:08:30

came to see us in San

1:08:32

Diego wearing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

1:08:34

costumes as a disguise so they

1:08:36

wouldn't be bothered. He is

1:08:38

a graduate of the King of Prussia

1:08:41

Military Academy. That's right. And he had

1:08:43

a, after Orphan Black, he had a role

1:08:46

on some Canadian show called Major

1:08:50

Billing Boo or something. What was

1:08:52

it? It was, it's called Midsomer

1:08:55

Murders. And he

1:08:57

played, known here as the Artful Detective.

1:08:59

Right. He played Constable John Stable. Yes.

1:09:03

And currently, sorry, Murdock

1:09:05

Mysteries. Midsomer Murders is

1:09:08

something else. That's right. Currently

1:09:11

he is on a show called

1:09:13

The Recruit, which I believe is a Netflix show.

1:09:15

Very enjoyable show. He came and talked to us

1:09:17

all about it. He also plays Constable John Stable

1:09:19

on that show. It's a spinoff. It's like how

1:09:22

Richard Belzer played Munch. Yeah. So

1:09:27

this episode was when The Recruit first

1:09:30

premiered. He came on to talk about it.

1:09:33

And then after that, we'll

1:09:35

hear from Santa Claus, but Paul,

1:09:39

you've done Santa Claus many times on

1:09:41

the show. Yes. Including just this week,

1:09:44

you played him in two CBB World episodes.

1:09:46

You played him on. I played him in

1:09:48

two CBB World episodes. Scott has a scene

1:09:51

and Heinz I'm proud to meet

1:09:53

you. I also played him on

1:09:55

the Andy Daly. Oh, you did.

1:09:58

Bananas for Bonanza. Um,

1:10:01

and I think that's it and Santa Claus

1:10:03

you've been doing him now for I want

1:10:06

to say eight years Maybe somewhere on there. I think so

1:10:10

He's very gruff. He's certainly he's jolly.

1:10:12

I don't need to explain the concept

1:10:14

of Santa Claus to you But jolly

1:10:16

in a mean way Any

1:10:19

meaner is a jolly way. That's true. Um,

1:10:22

so, uh, You

1:10:24

told me to introduce you as Santa

1:10:27

Claus Now I

1:10:29

remember this but then there is a little surprise

1:10:32

It is it is not in fact Santa

1:10:34

Claus. It's another character that Paul does portraying

1:10:36

Santa Claus That's right. This is a character

1:10:39

that you would debut earlier in the year

1:10:41

on tour. This is a character called Major

1:10:43

Bob That's right Major Bob Driver And

1:10:45

tell us about Major Bob Driver Major

1:10:47

Bob Driver Of course was inspired by

1:10:50

Tom Hanks portrayal of Colonel Tom Parker

1:10:52

in the movie Elvis And

1:10:55

I was so tickled by this very

1:10:57

strange performance That was

1:10:59

not at all true to what the man sounded

1:11:01

like in any way It's

1:11:04

like the direct opposite of what he sounded like.

1:11:06

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I mean to be a successful

1:11:08

con man as Colonel Tom Parker was You

1:11:10

couldn't sound like a weird Dutch guy Which

1:11:14

he did not he sounded he sounded American that's

1:11:16

how he was able to do it But

1:11:18

I think Tom Hanks like he's at this point in his career

1:11:20

where he's like I'm tired of talking like

1:11:22

Tom Hanks. Yeah, let me talk like a weirdo Yeah,

1:11:25

and so he figures out a way to talk like

1:11:27

a weirdo other than in a man, of course

1:11:30

called Otto. Yeah Which

1:11:32

which by the way, if you just hear that Title,

1:11:35

yeah, don't you think it's about a guy who thinks he's

1:11:38

a car? You're

1:11:40

saying if you don't read it Yeah, if you just hear

1:11:42

someone talking about this movie, but I don't think he thinks

1:11:44

he's a car I think other people think he's a car

1:11:48

And he's going crazy like I'm not a car

1:11:51

something get in me That's

1:11:54

not my stick shift will he but

1:11:56

a man called Otto, of course Scott and I it's

1:11:58

our joint favorite film. Yes We share it.

1:12:02

It's too good of a film to just for

1:12:04

one of us to have. A lot of our

1:12:06

favorite stuff will say, no, that can't be your

1:12:08

favorite. It's very much sibling rules. That can't be

1:12:10

your favorite because it's my favorite. Exactly. And I'm

1:12:12

older, so I get to dictate. So

1:12:15

this is, we'll first

1:12:17

hear from Paul playing Major

1:12:20

Bob playing Santa. And then

1:12:23

in between the clips, Matt Gorley comes in as

1:12:25

a character named Teen Geiger. You'll hear a little

1:12:28

bit of him in the next clip, which

1:12:30

is a section from Lisa

1:12:32

Gilroy as a character named Piones

1:12:35

Pilates. So

1:12:37

let's hear it. This is your episode

1:12:39

15. Number one

1:12:41

time. Well, the recruit

1:12:43

is out December 16th on

1:12:46

Netflix. Christian, it's great to have you. Would it

1:12:48

surprise you to learn that we have to get

1:12:50

on to our next guest? It

1:12:52

would not surprise me. I know how this goes.

1:12:54

I'm surprised you gave me this much time. I'll

1:12:56

just leave now. No, we really know. We want

1:12:58

you here. Oh, okay. Great. Yeah. Because you know,

1:13:00

it is the beginning of December. Yeah. You know

1:13:02

what that means. Snow.

1:13:07

Yeah. I'm counted. Oh, come on. Big

1:13:09

Bear. They got snow in California. Sure.

1:13:11

You can famously surf and ski in

1:13:13

the same day. I have lived here

1:13:16

for, I moved back here in 1994.

1:13:18

So I

1:13:21

lived here for almost 30 years. I've done that

1:13:23

every day. Yeah. I mean, it shows you've got

1:13:25

the body of a surfer and a skier. I

1:13:27

spend $5,000 in gas every week. Yeah. The price

1:13:30

of gas. Do you want to

1:13:32

talk about that? No, thank you. We have to

1:13:34

get to our next guest. It is December. We

1:13:36

know what that means. It's time for

1:13:38

the old bowl of jelly

1:13:40

belly himself. What? No,

1:13:43

that's right. Santa Claus is here. Welcome

1:13:45

Santa Claus. Oh, what a

1:13:48

pleasure to see you all

1:13:50

at this Christmas time. Hi.

1:13:57

Hello, my boy. Hi. Oh,

1:14:00

ho, ho to you. Thank you. Yes,

1:14:02

ho, ho. Are you sick, Santa Claus?

1:14:04

No, I've never felt better. Ho, ho,

1:14:06

ho. So you've been sick every other

1:14:08

time I've talked to you? Yep. Perhaps.

1:14:12

I mean, I do usually see you in December, so. Oh,

1:14:15

but then. Cold and flu season. You might say

1:14:17

that I am a new man. Ho, ho, ho.

1:14:20

Oh, legit ho, ho, ho there. Oh,

1:14:22

yeah. So wait, the others are an

1:14:24

affectation? Catchphrase. Oh, got it, got it. Everyone loves

1:14:26

it. They demanded us when to call. It's like

1:14:28

when Borat literally says, my wife. Oh, my wife. He

1:14:31

refers to his wife. And everyone's like, okay.

1:14:33

Sometimes Borat is legitimately referred to his wife.

1:14:35

Sometimes he knows who he's doing. Ho,

1:14:39

ho, ho. But listen, I came

1:14:41

here to talk about Christmas. Oh, good. Well,

1:14:44

it's coming up. Oh, yes,

1:14:46

it is my busy time of year when

1:14:48

I deliver the toys to all the Christian

1:14:50

boys and girls. I mean, it really is.

1:14:52

It's one day a year. So you can't

1:14:54

say like, December is your

1:14:56

busy season necessarily. It's just one day. Well, I

1:14:59

have to make the toys, don't I? Well, yeah,

1:15:01

but you're only doing it in December?

1:15:04

That's very rushed with all the help. Well, we

1:15:06

really need to be just doing that a little more

1:15:08

often. Listen, I'm

1:15:10

glad you're bringing this up because it's time to

1:15:13

talk about some changes being made to Christmas. Oh,

1:15:16

changes. Yes. Is

1:15:18

this like the I believe the MLB is not

1:15:20

going to have umpires next year? Like

1:15:22

it did. Does Christmas change? No, that's the

1:15:25

same. We will still not have umpires for

1:15:27

Christmas. That would be terrible if you went

1:15:29

downstairs trying to get your presents. There

1:15:31

was an umpire there going, you're out of here. And

1:15:33

the umpires we don't have will still be wearing

1:15:36

their signature chest pads. And

1:15:38

will they have the what is it, the FTV? What

1:15:40

was it? Those patches that they wore? I

1:15:42

don't know. And I don't care. During

1:15:44

the World Series, they wore those patches for that crypto

1:15:46

thing. Yes, I know. I don't

1:15:48

want to talk about umpires because they have nothing to do with

1:15:51

Christmas. Oh, but I was talking about them. Yes.

1:15:53

And I don't want to do that. Okay. Well,

1:15:55

tell my boy, I am your guest. Okay, let's

1:15:57

talk about what you want to talk about. Yes.

1:15:59

So this year, for Christmas, there's

1:16:03

a new policy in place and

1:16:05

that if you want to get the Christmas

1:16:07

gift that you asked for from Santa Claus,

1:16:10

who is me, it's a

1:16:12

mere $8. Wait,

1:16:15

wait, wait, wait. And then you absolutely

1:16:17

get the present that

1:16:20

you want. Oh, if you don't pay

1:16:22

$8, you get something. Oh, $8. Well,

1:16:26

I mean, I mean, $8,

1:16:28

it's kind of like paying the tax, I guess, if

1:16:30

you win a car on a price. Exactly. Well,

1:16:33

it depends on the size of the gift. I

1:16:35

mean, if it's a really big gift, if it's

1:16:37

a car, like a real car. Children don't get

1:16:39

cars for Christmas. Yeah, but what about adults who

1:16:41

still believe in Santa Claus? Yeah, you see they

1:16:43

are not allowed. Why do they make

1:16:45

those huge bows if Santa doesn't give cars? That's

1:16:47

for rich people, my boy. Wait, what kids have

1:16:49

$8 to pay for this, though, this service? Well,

1:16:51

we'll find out, won't we? No,

1:16:54

this is a good business model. How

1:16:57

are they supposed to get the $8? It's not a

1:16:59

business model. Santa gives gifts, but if you want to

1:17:01

get the thing you wanted, we'll cost you $8. Okay.

1:17:05

How do they get the $8 to you? They

1:17:07

send it to Santa Claus,

1:17:09

North Pole, care

1:17:11

of Major Bob Driver, Los Angeles, California,

1:17:13

90125. Sorry,

1:17:16

sorry. I couldn't quite hear what you just... Santa

1:17:19

Claus! Oh, Santa Claus! North Pole!

1:17:21

Got it. Major Bob

1:17:23

Driver. Speak up a little bit on this stuff. Major Bob

1:17:26

Driver. Is that a Bob Driver? We've been recording, is it

1:17:28

not? Major Bob Driver? Major... Is

1:17:30

that what I said? I mean, it's... you were

1:17:32

very quiet, so it's hard to hear, but... Major

1:17:35

Bob Driver, that... that's

1:17:37

a weird thing that you would say with that

1:17:39

name, because that's merely part of the address, my

1:17:41

boy. That's my manager. Is

1:17:44

it? Yeah, Major Bob Driver. Well, your

1:17:46

career is thriving, my boy, so he must be very good at his job.

1:17:49

Interesting. Yeah, we spoke to him in New York City.

1:17:52

New York City! It's reflective,

1:17:54

isn't it? It's

1:18:00

strange that the biggest city in the world can

1:18:02

have a... You just mentioned it and then that

1:18:05

pops into everyone's head. Is that company still even

1:18:07

in business? I don't know. What was it, Chile?

1:18:09

Pate Pecante? I believe Pate Pecante is the wrong

1:18:11

city. And yet I

1:18:13

remember that. It was a bunch

1:18:16

of cowboys who were outraged at the idea that... That

1:18:19

they're salsa with your city or something. Mack

1:18:22

Willy here, get a rope. I

1:18:25

was asking you to get a rope. Anyway

1:18:27

kids, send in your $8 to Santa Claus

1:18:29

and you will get the gift that you

1:18:31

want. Huh. Santa, where did you get this

1:18:34

idea from? With...

1:18:37

This $8 idea from? It

1:18:39

just came to me. I am an innovator.

1:18:41

Sounds very familiar to something that's happened recently,

1:18:43

that's all. Nope. I... Oh,

1:18:47

it doesn't. Oh, okay. Not to me. Not to

1:18:49

Santa Claus. Oh, I am. Okay.

1:18:53

Santa, you're... Yes, my boy.

1:18:55

Your beard seems to

1:18:57

be a different color than I normally... Every

1:19:00

time you've gone... Have you been dyeing your beard?

1:19:02

Or what... What color

1:19:04

do you remember it to be? Well, it was

1:19:07

always this Christmassy, snowy white. Oh, white, yes.

1:19:09

This is... It looks like it has

1:19:12

yellow stain, like cigarette stain. Yeah, like

1:19:14

around the mustache area. And I've

1:19:16

taken up smoking. Oh boy. Just in the

1:19:19

last year. I am immortal. Why not?

1:19:21

What was I doing? Not pointing. It's a

1:19:23

good player. Yeah, alright. Sometimes I

1:19:25

drink poison for fun. Is it fun? It

1:19:27

is fun. You see the little skull and

1:19:29

crossbones of the bottle? Yeah. And

1:19:32

you know that's not going to be me.

1:19:34

That's like Liquid Death, the water brand. Too

1:19:36

scary. Too scary. Um,

1:19:39

well, yeah, it's just your whole appearance. I mean, you're...

1:19:44

I mean, you're still quite corpulent. Jolly.

1:19:49

Jolly. Yeah, that's code. I

1:19:51

see that on an audition breakdown. Jolly. Jolly.

1:19:54

Jolly. Yeah, jolly. Or

1:19:56

skipped Jim Day. I've literally seen that

1:19:58

on a... on a brand

1:20:00

new hot. A whole day. Yeah. I

1:20:03

can't believe that one day would have paid

1:20:05

off. But

1:20:09

your clothes, I mean... Why?

1:20:12

Are they not red? They are red,

1:20:14

but it's not the traditional Santa Claus. No, I

1:20:16

mean it's just a red t-shirt. But

1:20:19

red? It is red, yeah. And

1:20:22

my beard is mostly white? Yeah.

1:20:24

Santa Claus, he and I, we are

1:20:26

the same. Look, I'm

1:20:28

just going to cut to the chase. Because the

1:20:32

chases are fun. And that's when you're watching a

1:20:34

movie, you sometimes wish... Oh yeah, no, you cut

1:20:36

to the chase. Right, got it. I knew a

1:20:38

filmmaker who once killed your darling, cut to the

1:20:40

chase, and he took out all the interesting parts

1:20:42

of the game. Oh, jeez.

1:20:46

Look, I'm just going to yank on your beard. Okay.

1:20:49

Okay. That's... You

1:20:51

yanked on it so hard, it's not

1:20:54

on my face anymore. Yeah, more than

1:20:56

a yank. Look,

1:20:59

this is a fake beard. Okay, I see

1:21:02

the tag here. It says

1:21:04

machine washable, which I don't know why you're

1:21:06

not taking it to buy it. Yeah. It's

1:21:08

a bit filthy. Look, it's my first date. Your

1:21:11

first date what? My first day of Santa Claus. Ah,

1:21:14

look, you have a bear face right now. I

1:21:16

see who you are. You're my bear, it's the

1:21:18

day I was born, my boy. It's as bare

1:21:20

as a baby's butt. Which I had

1:21:22

when I was born. Yes, that's right.

1:21:25

Speaking of butts, you're obviously

1:21:27

my manager, Major Bob Driver. Hello, my

1:21:30

boy. What a pleasure it is to

1:21:32

see you. Hi, Major Bob. Greetings of

1:21:34

the season to you. Yes, salutations. Many

1:21:36

hamburgers to you as well. Many hamburgers

1:21:39

to you. Have you got to

1:21:41

ape any? I haven't, unfortunately.

1:21:43

Unfortunately. If you haven't got to ape any, then

1:21:45

God bless you. God bless you. What

1:21:47

are you doing here pretending to be

1:21:49

Santa Claus, Major Bob? Okay. Well, my

1:21:52

boy, you know there are many ups and

1:21:54

downs in the show business game. And

1:21:56

sometimes it's wise to invest your

1:21:58

money and diversify. And so I have

1:22:01

taken over the Santa Claus operation from Santa

1:22:03

Claus. You've taken it over. Yes, and it's

1:22:06

proving to be a very

1:22:08

challenging business. And so I am

1:22:11

trying to figure it out as I go

1:22:13

along and make the best of it, make

1:22:15

improvements, improvements. Everything is better now. Oh, Major

1:22:18

Bob, I mean, I know that last

1:22:20

year you were out there mouthing off about Santa Claus

1:22:22

and how you could do so much of a better

1:22:24

job and how you

1:22:26

were going to finally free all the

1:22:28

presents from the tyranny

1:22:30

of what Santa Claus was doing. And

1:22:33

then I said, I'm just kidding. And

1:22:35

then Santa stuck on the way down.

1:22:38

And then it became legal

1:22:40

where I was forced to sort of take over

1:22:42

the Santa Claus operation. You legally had to take

1:22:44

over the Santa Claus operation? I legally had to

1:22:46

because I was affecting the business with my mouth.

1:22:48

OK. Oh, boy. Yeah, so it's not going well

1:22:50

then. I'm innovating.

1:22:52

It's going better than ever. It's

1:22:55

challenging but fun. Is it

1:22:57

fun? It's fun.

1:23:00

Wow. I can really feel that. So

1:23:02

hard right now. Having fun. And

1:23:05

I think there are lightning bolts coming

1:23:07

out of your eyes. People will be

1:23:09

happy with the new Santa Claus operation,

1:23:11

which is that you pay $8 to

1:23:13

get your verified present. Also,

1:23:15

you cannot make fun of me if you

1:23:18

are writing a song about Santa Claus. You can't say

1:23:20

that I am fat. You can't say that I am

1:23:22

old. You can't say that I

1:23:24

wear glasses. You can wear glasses. Are

1:23:27

you just nearsightedness? By the way, if you

1:23:29

are a mortal, why do you have bad

1:23:31

eyes? Yeah, and

1:23:33

here's another question. When you became Santa

1:23:35

Claus, do you get his

1:23:38

magic? No, my

1:23:40

boy. I am still a mortal man.

1:23:42

You're still a mortal man. This is what's going

1:23:44

on. I could die at any moment. Oh, I'm

1:23:46

feeling a heart attack coming on if you don't

1:23:48

think my idea is good. Oh, no. No.

1:23:51

Oh, please, not that. Look,

1:23:53

Santa. Please, my boy. Who takes the mantle

1:23:55

if you die? I can't

1:23:57

really discuss that. I'm having a heart attack.

1:24:00

moment. My boy, my boy, be.

1:24:02

I'm sorry, Major Bob. I just,

1:24:04

Major Bob. Santa, the

1:24:07

whole Christmas operation has always been free.

1:24:09

I don't know if you're going to

1:24:11

be too successful at convincing people to

1:24:13

pay $8 for something that they used

1:24:15

to get for free, but now

1:24:17

it's very confusing because

1:24:19

it has grown. It's a

1:24:21

new modern age and

1:24:24

everyone wants too many. Yeah, that's a lot

1:24:26

of ands. The more ands you say, the

1:24:28

more desperate you see. Those are bonus ands,

1:24:30

my boy. Okay. Those are free. We don't

1:24:32

have to pay for those. No. All right.

1:24:38

Well, speaking of the minions, we need to get to

1:24:40

our next guest. Please. And I

1:24:43

don't know what they have dominion over, but

1:24:45

they are a mythical creature. Please

1:24:47

welcome Giannis Collades. Oh

1:24:55

my God. What just

1:24:57

happened? Oh no. Don't

1:25:00

be afraid of me,

1:25:02

Scott. My immortal

1:25:05

presence is terrifying, isn't

1:25:09

it? Wait, you just said not to be afraid

1:25:11

of you, so I wasn't. But now you're saying

1:25:13

you're terrifying? My clientent here, noisily with my

1:25:15

herbs and a foot, rearing upon

1:25:18

my mighty hands. You have like one bottle

1:25:20

for a foot and it

1:25:22

sounds like a basket full of marking

1:25:24

pens as another foot. Shush,

1:25:26

little one. You are the

1:25:28

little one from the property. You're

1:25:31

only like six four. I'm humongouser

1:25:33

than that. I'm six

1:25:35

foot ten. Oh. And

1:25:37

I'm half man, half and

1:25:40

sore. Oh, I'm sorry. Turn

1:25:42

to the time. I'm familiar

1:25:44

with this. I'm familiar with

1:25:48

a half man at that time. Who

1:25:51

is three fourth man? Yeah, that would be

1:25:53

three fourth man. You're mostly

1:25:56

man. You just have like a bottle for

1:25:58

a foot and a basket of mold. working

1:26:00

pants for another one. No, no, no, no.

1:26:02

One quarter horse, three quarters man. So

1:26:06

below the knees, is that what you're saying? And

1:26:08

horse with you, the torso of the

1:26:11

man for a head. And

1:26:13

then also human feet on the end

1:26:15

of the horse legs. The heads of

1:26:17

a man, the body, but

1:26:20

the first half upper part

1:26:22

man. The pecs. The legs,

1:26:24

one leg, horse. Oh, okay.

1:26:27

The feet of a man. The

1:26:30

eyes of a man. Okay.

1:26:33

The other leg. Oh, we're just going part by

1:26:35

part. Of a man. Like mostly men so far.

1:26:37

The tail of a horse. Tail of a, oh,

1:26:39

you have a horse too? Can we see it?

1:26:41

Watch your dingle. The penis

1:26:43

of a man, bottom part, top

1:26:45

part horse. Oh, wait, when you

1:26:48

say top part. Wait. Do

1:26:50

you mean the head or do you mean everything above

1:26:52

the balls? Oh, okay. Oh, okay. So

1:26:55

your part vegetable? vegetable. Animal

1:26:58

man and mineral. Schlemieus

1:27:01

Schlemalgo. I said, go corporate.

1:27:03

Scott, I've come here clanging

1:27:05

your jaw down with my herbs,

1:27:07

knocking everything about and scaring you

1:27:09

and all your little friends. No, I

1:27:11

was here. I saw it. You don't

1:27:13

have to recap. I've come to find

1:27:15

you, little one. Oh. You're

1:27:18

the little boy from the prophecy. Again, you're slightly taller

1:27:20

than me. What do you need from

1:27:22

me? My kind is going

1:27:24

into stains. What? You're

1:27:27

kind of going stained? You're

1:27:29

getting into stains? My kind

1:27:31

is going into stains. Oh,

1:27:34

ink, stinks. Ink, stinks.

1:27:37

Ink, stink, are you doing a pun? See.

1:27:41

I'm the last of my heart.

1:27:43

No. Man have some sore. No,

1:27:46

I'm so sorry. And the prophecy

1:27:48

said, one little boy, very tall,

1:27:51

sad, wise, sad personality.

1:27:54

Could you help me? That's him all right. Scott,

1:27:57

hop on my rump and ride with me to

1:27:59

the quarry. Hold on, I don't know

1:28:01

how I'm supposed to help you. Are

1:28:03

you asking? I'm going insane! Please! What?

1:28:06

What? What? What? But I

1:28:08

don't know what else I could do other than have

1:28:10

sex with- Oh, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no,

1:28:12

no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm asking for.

1:28:14

Oh, wow. What I'm asking for. Hop

1:28:17

on my rump and I'll ride with you. Again,

1:28:20

it sounds like that's what you're asking for. I'll

1:28:23

trot you to the forest where you

1:28:25

will be the chosen that's aboard to

1:28:27

remove the rock from the

1:28:29

stone. The rock from the stone? Wait

1:28:32

a minute. How legend has it? What

1:28:35

forest? The

1:28:37

forest in the fusi of Buffoncia,

1:28:39

my land. How long of

1:28:42

a trip is this? Because I still need to get

1:28:44

up to Big Bear this afternoon. I was

1:28:46

already surfing in the morning. It's not

1:28:48

a long trip. We'll take Senseko's Lane. Oh,

1:28:51

okay. You know that street? Hop

1:28:54

on my rump and I'll rump you down it. You

1:28:56

do not want to hop on your rump. You must,

1:28:58

little one. Could we get it like a tandem motorcycle

1:29:00

or something where we could do side by side or

1:29:03

something? The property tells the sad little boy must rump

1:29:05

on the rump of the last remaining Senko one. I

1:29:07

have a good personality according to the law. I'm familiar

1:29:09

with this. You have to hop

1:29:11

on the rump and then rump on the hump. I

1:29:15

don't know. You gotta,

1:29:17

by the way, I mean, it's not

1:29:19

a very big shelf down there. I mean, it doesn't

1:29:21

look like I would be able to fit. It's a

1:29:23

very skinny ass is what I'm trying to say. It's

1:29:25

half centaur ass and half human ass, you know? One

1:29:28

of the cheeks is humongoid. The

1:29:30

other is just normal. One

1:29:32

is not enough to hop on. It's enough for you,

1:29:34

skinny little one. Well, thank you. Please,

1:29:36

my kind is going instinct because

1:29:39

we're being killed and hunted for

1:29:41

our powers. Oh, wait, you have

1:29:43

powers? Yes. What

1:29:45

are they? More than I could ever

1:29:47

list. Well, list a couple. Okay,

1:29:52

I'll list three. Oh, good.

1:29:55

First, we can run faster

1:29:58

than even. As

1:30:01

fast as a fastest man. Like

1:30:03

Usain Bolt? Yes.

1:30:06

Okay. But let's fasten him, but almost quite

1:30:08

as fast. Oh, okay. So almost as fast

1:30:10

as Usain Bolt. That's impressive as one. So

1:30:12

with four legs, you can almost run as

1:30:14

fast as Usain Bolt. Yes.

1:30:17

Yeah. Aren't horses faster than Usain

1:30:19

Bolt? Oh, yay. But that's

1:30:21

a full horse. Full run power. Okay. So

1:30:24

this is not that great. I have

1:30:26

the speed of a man. You can't run

1:30:28

as fast as a horse. The head of

1:30:30

a man. Okay. I remember all

1:30:32

these things. The tail of a horse. What are your other

1:30:34

two powers? Second

1:30:36

power. I can say

1:30:38

a funny fact at any time. Go, go,

1:30:40

go, go. List three.

1:30:43

Go, please. Three facts. Yes.

1:30:46

One, strawberries are the only fruit with the

1:30:48

seeds on the outside. Two, Empire

1:30:50

State Building is taller than the other

1:30:52

buildings. Three, banana is

1:30:54

the only food that's truly

1:30:57

yellow. It's all

1:31:00

the yellow foods. They're just... Truly

1:31:02

yellow, Scott. The yellow of a

1:31:04

banana. Tortilla chips? No

1:31:06

food. Yeah, more of a

1:31:08

pan. Okay. My third skill. I

1:31:10

can... Well,

1:31:13

and any centaur can do it. We

1:31:15

have raw, dripping, wet, flexible, and

1:31:17

we can bed any woman we

1:31:19

lay eyes on. Go

1:31:22

for it. There's

1:31:24

no women here. Oh, that's right. I'm kind of on

1:31:26

the verge. The

1:31:28

one usual for comedy bang bang.

1:31:31

Well... I have bed almost

1:31:33

every actress. Nicki Minaj,

1:31:35

Bob Strudgeon... Great actress.

1:31:38

Hailey Joel Osman. Hailey Joel Osman. But

1:31:42

unfortunately, none of the pussy of

1:31:44

a centaur. And I

1:31:46

can't procreate to keep us

1:31:49

from going insane. Well,

1:31:51

here's Mike Conundrum. You've

1:31:53

mentioned that people are killing your

1:31:56

kind. That's my name, Mike Conundrum.

1:31:58

Oh, really? No, Mike. Sorry,

1:32:00

I thought your name is Pianus Pilates. My

1:32:02

human name is Mike Conundrum. Oh, okay.

1:32:04

I'm a sensual. So you're

1:32:07

three quarters Mike Conundrum. And

1:32:10

a quarter Pianus Pilates. Conundrum.

1:32:12

Here's my issue. You

1:32:14

say people are killing your kind to get

1:32:16

their powers. The police. The

1:32:19

police are hunting us. The police are

1:32:21

hunting you. Yes. Oh.

1:32:23

Just the police? What

1:32:26

do you mean just the police? Well,

1:32:28

I mean, why do the police want your

1:32:30

powers? Because they're jealous. Oh, they're jealous? That

1:32:34

purely just for jealousy's sake. Yes.

1:32:36

Okay. Here's my thing though. And

1:32:40

you just said that I could have sex with any actress I

1:32:42

wanted. Oh no. Why

1:32:44

aren't I killing you right now? Because

1:32:46

there's only one white, secular, sensual. What's that? And

1:32:49

if you haven't read the Bible by Joseph Smith,

1:32:51

you won't know what's in. You're a Mormon centaur?

1:32:55

Every centaur is. Every

1:32:57

centaur is a Mormon? LDS? Yes.

1:33:01

Are we allowed to say LDS anymore? I

1:33:03

heard you weren't allowed to say that. I

1:33:05

can say whatever I want. Biz, fuck

1:33:07

shit. Oh, okay. Look, tell us the

1:33:09

way to kill you. Okay, you have

1:33:11

to pull my tail. And it's attached to my

1:33:14

butt, which is attached to my heart. And all

1:33:16

the needles will come out of my body immediately

1:33:18

and fall slop on the floor. Please

1:33:20

don't do it. Okay.

1:33:23

I mean, I kind of want to do it

1:33:25

though. It kind of seems like he

1:33:27

wants us to. Yeah. I'm the last one, and

1:33:29

you're the little boy meant to save me. How

1:33:31

am I... How can I save you

1:33:34

if I jump on your rump? Get on my rump. Okay,

1:33:36

yeah. No, I know a rump. All

1:33:38

right into the forest, and you pull the stone from

1:33:40

the rump. The stone from the rump. No, it was

1:33:42

the rock from the stone. Matt Gorley here doing a

1:33:44

caricature of Giger. Hey, don't make fun

1:33:46

of my guest team, Giger. Sorry. You

1:33:49

and he, you are the same. It's

1:33:52

happening. Number one, five. There we

1:33:54

go. Pionas Pilates. Can't

1:33:57

say much more than that. Just...

1:34:00

Lisa Gilroy craziness and

1:34:02

that was at the at the old studio,

1:34:04

right? Yeah That was one of the last

1:34:06

episodes that we did the very ones were

1:34:08

the best of last year Wow that we

1:34:11

did in the earwool studio Wow now I

1:34:13

say Wow backwards kiddie toe. Yeah. Oh Wow

1:34:15

Wow Do what did I say? Wow? This

1:34:20

certainly is a rundown Wow I

1:34:25

Wow, who are the other famous Wow

1:34:27

famous hours? I do I do want

1:34:30

to make a speak and spell With

1:34:32

celebrities on it instead of animals. Absolutely. It's

1:34:34

like it lands on Owen Wilson just goes

1:34:36

Owen Wilson says Wow So

1:34:39

nothing doing animal noises Celebrities

1:34:43

and then they think they say what is

1:34:45

the thing they say but Christopher Walken's a

1:34:47

great one Wow Wow. I also say Wow

1:34:50

I Assuming

1:34:52

you landed on Owen Wilson first Anyway

1:34:59

great episode. All right, we're gonna take a

1:35:01

break when we come back We are going

1:35:03

to hear your choice for episode number 14

1:35:05

ball. This is so exciting Wow Welcome

1:35:14

back comedy bang bang. Welcome back comedy bang bang.

1:35:16

Hey Nice of you to come

1:35:18

back so we can be on you.

1:35:20

Nobody welcomes the show itself back I know people

1:35:23

welcome guests back. They welcome the listeners back Did

1:35:26

you could be a good Pixar movie shows? Yes,

1:35:28

where it shows shows come to life. Yeah,

1:35:31

when no one's around shows come to life. I love

1:35:34

Lucy news

1:35:36

I Guess

1:35:38

video game. I mean Wreck-it Ralph is bad

1:35:40

for video games. So why can't shows so

1:35:43

why can't shows? I Did

1:35:46

not realize this what I guess I didn't know what Wreck-it

1:35:49

Ralph was is he's what is he supposed to be? But

1:35:51

you've seen it so many times Yeah,

1:35:53

but I was full sleep. I started too late

1:35:55

is the problem. Yeah, but you fall

1:35:57

asleep right before the credits the end credits Oh,

1:36:00

yeah, I guess I guess I just

1:36:02

assumed like it continued for hours. Oh,

1:36:04

no, no, it's about whatever you see

1:36:07

I remember the moment I fall asleep.

1:36:09

I'm always saying like And

1:36:12

who's three hours left in it and then I fall

1:36:14

asleep Wow Yeah, that's what

1:36:16

it's about. It's about all the video game characters

1:36:18

and separate tabletop And

1:36:21

stand-up arcade games coming to life. Are they

1:36:23

but like based on real games or is

1:36:25

a okay? You're donkeys Kong and then wreck

1:36:27

around as a made-up guy. Yeah One

1:36:31

made-up guy Hey,

1:36:36

I'm Sarah Sarah Silverman.

1:36:38

Oh, what did she play in the movie? She's

1:36:40

a she's a princess. She's a Disney princess the

1:36:43

first Jewish Disney princess Wait,

1:36:45

so but that's not a real thing it is. Yeah What

1:36:49

yeah, she's a she's princess Wait,

1:36:52

is that a Disney movie and so that counts as a

1:36:54

Disney princess. Yeah Is

1:36:57

there a character like a face

1:36:59

character a Disneyland I think so Jewish

1:37:07

American Disney press yes, Jad Princess

1:37:14

Miriam Ruth Oh

1:37:16

of Vanellope. Yes, but now a

1:37:19

pea princess Vanellope Wait,

1:37:21

wait, wait Breaking news according

1:37:23

to this She is

1:37:26

not considered to be an official Disney

1:37:28

princess This may be because Vanellope says

1:37:30

herself her code may say she is

1:37:32

a princess, but she is actually a racer I

1:37:35

think we're splitting hair. See Disney. Come on. Wait,

1:37:37

this character is also an eraser. Yeah

1:37:40

start our fourth. Yes and erase her head

1:37:42

Wow Alright

1:37:48

we gotta get to it We've

1:37:50

been teasing it for far too long This

1:37:53

is your choice for episode number 14 Episode

1:37:58

14 this This

1:38:00

is episode 789. The

1:38:04

last one we heard was 787. This is

1:38:07

just a couple weeks later. This is a

1:38:09

couple, it's a few weeks later though because we

1:38:11

had best ofs in between. This

1:38:15

episode came out January 1st, that's

1:38:17

right, New Year's Day of 2023. First

1:38:21

episode of the year. Is there a day more miserable

1:38:23

than New Year's Day? I

1:38:25

guess you're relaxing if you're lucky. I

1:38:28

guess. I hated it. I

1:38:30

don't know why. Yeah. I know

1:38:32

what you mean. There's something about it that just feels like really

1:38:34

malazy. We went to the Rose Parade one year, that was

1:38:36

fun. I could not think of

1:38:39

something I want to do last year. Really? It

1:38:41

was fun. Because you get to see all the bands. What

1:38:43

bands? Rolling Stones. Coldplay. Is

1:38:46

that true? They never televised them. Oh, I mean the

1:38:48

marching bands. Of course. Oh, the

1:38:50

marching bands. I forgot marching bands existed. Wouldn't it be

1:38:52

funny if the Rolling Stones played

1:38:54

the Rose Parade one year? It

1:38:58

would be funny if the Rolling Stones played the Rose Parade and they're like, now

1:39:00

we're not going to televise this. I can't

1:39:03

get the rights. It's a Rolling Stones song. Here's

1:39:05

what I love about marching band music. It

1:39:07

is the most ancient songs played

1:39:10

at a breakneck pace. I

1:39:12

like the year we went because

1:39:14

one marching band did Nintendo

1:39:17

theme songs. That's fun.

1:39:19

And then they, rounding the corner, they

1:39:21

all imitated certain video game characters the

1:39:23

way they walked and stuff. It was

1:39:25

very fun. The fuck? Yeah, it

1:39:27

was cool. I got to look that up. Yeah. I'm

1:39:30

not going to do that, guys. Okay,

1:39:32

so this is January 1st, 2023. This

1:39:35

is an episode called Oh My God, Becky.

1:39:39

Yes, of course. Yes, of

1:39:41

course. Now the first

1:39:43

episode of the year, traditionally the first

1:39:45

regular episode, not best of episode. We

1:39:47

traditionally have Ben Schwartz on, our friend

1:39:49

Ben Schwartz, who people will know from

1:39:51

such things as he's the voice of

1:39:53

Sonic and Sonic the Hedgehog movies. He's

1:39:56

in the after party. He's always got

1:39:58

shit going on. Always. So this is an

1:40:01

exclusively a WoW speaking spell? I

1:40:07

mean you're not going to get these guys to record

1:40:09

this shit for all day long, you know

1:40:18

what I mean? That's a good point. Yeah. You're

1:40:21

going to have to pay them an insane amount of money

1:40:23

just to come in and say WoW and leave. Does Nick

1:40:25

Cage say anything more recognizable than WoW? I guess face off

1:40:27

maybe? So

1:40:33

Ben Schwartz is on this

1:40:35

episode and

1:40:38

he is sort of acting as my co-host

1:40:40

or the main celebrity guest. The first clip

1:40:42

we will hear is you heard

1:40:44

him earlier as music

1:40:47

festival expert Jesse, but

1:40:49

we'll hear Drew Tarver as

1:40:51

Henry. Henry! Nope.

1:40:54

Sure for Hemorrhoid. Hemorrhoid Heimlich. Boy,

1:40:57

if you could give your Hemorrhoids as a Heimlich and

1:40:59

they'd be gone. How

1:41:03

would that be for? Someone comes around and

1:41:05

squeezes your butt from behind. No,

1:41:09

this is Henry Heimlich. This

1:41:11

is a character he's done many times including on tour

1:41:13

with us. This is the inventor of

1:41:15

the Heimlich maneuver. And

1:41:17

then after that we will hear a

1:41:19

little bit of Mary Holland who's a

1:41:21

great comedian. Just saw

1:41:23

her. I love Mary. In

1:41:26

an upcoming movie that's coming out

1:41:28

on Hulu in about three weeks

1:41:30

from now. Oh yeah,

1:41:32

I saw Jake Johnson's movie. Yes,

1:41:35

yes, yes. She's in that but

1:41:37

she's also in the arm wrestling

1:41:39

movie that she did. The Golden

1:41:41

Arm. But the holiday movie

1:41:43

that she did was really great. I

1:41:46

don't remember the name of it. Man. But

1:41:49

it was about a big and a little getting together

1:41:51

and having a relationship. A big and

1:41:53

a little? What do you mean by that? Well, Kristen

1:41:55

Stewart and... Happiest season

1:41:57

by the way. Happiest season. Kristen Stewart and...

1:42:01

I always call her Cameron, but that's not her actual

1:42:03

name. It's Clay Duvall. No,

1:42:05

no, no. Clay Duvall's not in the... Oh, yeah. No,

1:42:08

she's the director, sorry. Mackenzie... Oh,

1:42:12

oh, oh, from Halt and Catch Fire.

1:42:14

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Mackenzie

1:42:16

Davis. Mackenzie Davis, Jesus Christ, yes. She's very

1:42:18

tall. She's very tall, so a big and a

1:42:20

little getting together. A big and a little getting together. That's hard. You

1:42:23

don't see that story that often. You know

1:42:25

what I mean? No, that's the main conflict in

1:42:27

the movie. Yes, it's underrepresented in Hollywood. And

1:42:29

you can't be it if you can't see it. And

1:42:31

so, exactly. For bigs and littles

1:42:33

that fall in love, this is a wonderful

1:42:36

thing. So Mary Holland,

1:42:38

she plays a character named Barb Nutz.

1:42:42

She always has great names for her characters. She

1:42:44

truly does. Let's hear it. This

1:42:47

is your choice for episode number 14. Number

1:42:50

one four. But please

1:42:52

welcome back to the show Henry Heimlich. Hello,

1:42:55

Scott. How are you? Henry, so nice to meet

1:42:57

you. I'm Ben. Are

1:42:59

you choking? Sorry? Are

1:43:01

you choking? Right now, I know. I think the way you

1:43:03

can tell is if someone's breathing or talking, they're not. Right.

1:43:07

That's right. It was a trick question.

1:43:09

Okay. And you're not

1:43:11

choking and you passed the test. Oh,

1:43:14

wow. I'm worried. I'm worried about the

1:43:16

lifespan of this character, this guy. I

1:43:19

haven't spoken by the way. I'm not the

1:43:21

lifespan of this guy. I'm coming

1:43:23

in hot and done to blazing.

1:43:25

Henry, I haven't spoken yet. For

1:43:29

60 seconds prior to me just speaking right now, but you

1:43:31

didn't ask if I was choking. Yes. Are

1:43:33

you choking? Well, no, I just started speaking. Good.

1:43:36

Another trick question and you

1:43:38

passed the test. Now, do you teach

1:43:41

classes, Henry? Yes. Of course.

1:43:43

Well, I invented the Heimlich maneuver. Oh my God.

1:43:45

You know my maneuver. Have you used it? I'm not doing

1:43:47

it, but I just took a class to learn it and

1:43:49

I know exactly how to do it. Great. So

1:43:51

you make a fifth? That's right. You

1:43:53

make a fifth. Well, are we doing an adult or infant? What are we

1:43:56

doing? Well, you can do it at any one over one year's old.

1:43:58

Okay. If they're under one. Put

1:44:00

them on the knee and pat them on

1:44:02

the back. That's close. Close? That's close. I

1:44:05

don't do the baby. I'm adults only. You're adults

1:44:07

only, right? I'm adults only 18 plus. What happened?

1:44:10

You barely legal Heimlich maneuvers, right? You're an only man.

1:44:12

I had a Patreon only fan where I did barely

1:44:14

legal Heimlich. Jesus

1:44:19

Christ. Yes, they're just 18. They're

1:44:22

choking. But I show their

1:44:24

license. Choking on what, by the way? You're

1:44:27

nasty, God. He's a

1:44:29

nasty, nasty, nasty man. He's turning red.

1:44:31

He's turning red. He's

1:44:34