0:00

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is

0:02

brought to you by Progressive, where drivers

0:04

who save by switching save nearly $750

0:06

on average, plus auto customers qualify for

0:08

an average of

0:12

seven discounts. Quote now at progressive.com

0:14

to see if you could save.

0:17

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates

0:19

national average 12-month savings of

0:22

$744 by new customers surveyed who saved

0:24

with Progressive between June 2022 and May

0:29

Potential savings will vary, discounts not

0:31

available in all states and situations.

0:36

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought

0:38

to you by Sport Clips Haircuts. At

0:41

Sport Clips Haircuts, they hairdo like

0:43

no one else hair does. That's

0:45

because not only is it the home

0:47

of champion haircuts, but they've

0:50

also made relaxing and unwinding the

0:52

name of the game. With the

0:54

MVP haircut experience, your haircut gets

0:56

turned up a notch. That's

0:59

because the MVP is more than just

1:01

a haircut, it's a spa day for

1:03

your hair follicles. It's

1:05

a seven pressure point massaging

1:07

shampoo, along with a perfectly

1:09

steamed hot towel, all while

1:12

sports plays on TV. You

1:14

can want it all and have it

1:16

all at Sport Clips. It's

1:19

a game changer. As

1:23

your doctor, if Skeletor is right for you, welcome

1:49

to Comedy Bang Bang. Mr.

1:52

Pratfall for that catchphrase submission. Hey, stick

1:55

to pratfalls, am I right? Oh,

1:58

no, that was a wonderful catchphrase. I doubt it's gonna- a

2:00

stick, mainly because it seems Skeletor-specific and

2:02

not about comedy bang bang, but I

2:05

appreciate the attempt. And welcome

2:07

to comedy bang bang for another edition. My name is

2:09

Scott Aquaman. I am the host of comedy bang bang.

2:11

Coming up a little later, we have

2:13

a, uh, someone who works

2:16

in the film industry. This is

2:18

very exciting because stars are back.

2:20

So if I'm gonna guess, I'm gonna say

2:22

it's maybe Leo DiCaprio or something like that.

2:25

Uh, why not? Why can't

2:27

Leo DiCaprio be on comedy bang

2:29

bang? And

2:31

I do this voice to him. No, we're saving

2:34

that for our special co-host. Also

2:36

a little later, we have a vocal specialist. But,

2:39

uh, before we get to our guest of

2:41

honor, as we call them, uh, sitting in

2:43

the catbird seats here to promote something. Again,

2:45

stars are back and we have none, uh,

2:49

none brighter than our star who's coming

2:51

up. I do want to, uh, introduce our

2:53

special co-host here who's, uh, uh,

2:55

was on the show, uh, uh, maybe a

2:58

few weeks back about two months or so

3:00

ago. And, uh, speaking of someone who

3:03

we thought worked in the film industry, but I guess

3:05

owns a pizza place, please welcome back to the show

3:07

Tony Sony. Hey!

3:14

Mama Maria pizzeria. Yeah, baby go diarrhea, of

3:16

course. Um, welcome.

3:18

Welcome back to the show. It's so good to see you, Tony.

3:21

Hey, so good to see you Scott. I missed you.

3:23

Oh, I am grabbing your cheek. Thank

3:26

you. So yeah, ow, that little, little too

3:28

hard. I got your nose. How do you

3:30

have so many fingers

3:33

that are prehensile? My hands, they're big

3:35

hands. They're gonna make the pizza fly. Oh,

3:37

that's true. Yeah. Is that a prerequisite

3:39

for making pizzas is to have big

3:41

just hands like ham? Yeah, big sausages.

3:44

That's what they want. Tell

3:47

us, remind us about your story because you were on

3:49

the show a little bit, uh, a few

3:51

weeks back and how, why were you on the

3:54

show again? I was on the

3:56

show because I give advice to Hollywood people

3:58

like Jake Johnson's agent. me

4:00

up says, is this gonna be good for Jake? I

4:02

said, I don't think so. That's right, I believe

4:04

Jake Johnson was on the show and his PR

4:06

person was calling what they thought was the Sony

4:08

lot. Yeah. And instead it was this pizza place

4:11

that you run called Tony So

4:13

New York. That's right, that's right.

4:15

Tony So New York, that's my pizza place. That's

4:17

the biggest pizza pie you could get in all of

4:19

New York. How big are we

4:22

talking? Size of your fucking head.

4:24

The biggest pizza pie. Very big,

4:26

honestly. That's the size of maybe

4:28

a personal pizza. Size of your

4:30

fucking head. I feel like I've

4:32

ordered a bigger pizza pie. Pepperoni

4:34

size of your eyeballs. Biggest pepperoni.

4:36

That's not big at all. Pepperoni

4:39

sometimes are like as

4:41

big as a mouth.

4:44

You're talking a small

4:46

pizza. Cheese size of your eyebrows.

4:48

Okay, that's regular, that standard is

4:51

your cheese. Chunks of cheese size of

4:53

your eyebrows, Scott. You're gonna love it. Chunks even

4:55

just the size of your eyebrows. I mean one

4:57

little liver of cheese size of your eyebrows. No,

4:59

we're talking chunks. Okay. Oh, you're gonna love

5:01

it. You're gonna love it. That's right, and

5:03

that pizza. I run the pizza place with

5:06

my guma. I love my guma.

5:09

Yeah, what

5:11

about your wife, though? I don't want to talk about my

5:13

wife. I want to talk about my guma. Does your wife... Don't

5:15

make me talk about my wife. Is she

5:17

upset that you run this place with your

5:19

guma? She lets me do what I want.

5:21

She's a doctor. I got 25 kids with

5:24

her. 25 children? Everybody's doing

5:26

great going to Brown, Harvard. What

5:29

is she a doctor of? She's a

5:32

specialist. Sure, but of what?

5:34

Of important parts of the body.

5:36

She does surgery. Like penis surgery?

5:39

Pee-dah surgery. Okay, that's very important.

5:41

But primarily butt surgery. Primarily butt

5:43

surgery. Those are important. Yeah, she

5:45

invents it. BBL. Really? Yeah, she

5:47

invents it. BBL. Okay, I was thinking about

5:49

getting one of those. Oh, yeah. Oh,

5:51

you should. You love it. Yeah. Too many

5:53

people are getting them removed. Yeah,

5:55

everybody. Well, they used to follow Kim Kardashian's

5:58

lead here. She had that big, beautiful... Frickin'

6:01

A. Size of your head. Now

6:04

that is the size of a big head. The

6:06

size of it. Actually, come to think of it.

6:08

Oh, one cheek as big as a head, yeah.

6:10

One cheek size of your head. Sure. Right? Okay.

6:13

I'm worried you don't have an

6:15

idea of proportional sizes or anything

6:17

like that. No, I know. A titty size of

6:19

your legs. Long titties. No,

6:22

we don't want long titties. The longest titties

6:24

I ever seen. So anyway,

6:26

my wife, she does BBL's. She's a

6:28

big important lady. I don't want to talk

6:30

about her. Okay, but you're a gumma. My gumma.

6:33

She runs a pizza place with you. I

6:35

love her. Sometimes I look in her eyes and say, how does that get so lucky

6:37

to have you? Yeah. Motherfucking gumma. Why don't

6:39

you just divorce your wife and then

6:41

marry your gumma? No, I could never

6:43

do that. Divorce? Never. Is it because

6:45

of... are you religious? Yes. Which

6:48

religion? The one

6:50

with the Catholic. Oh, the one

6:52

with the Catholic stuff. Yeah, probably Catholicism. Yeah.

6:54

Yeah, I just I believe in Jesus. Yeah,

6:59

he's the main guy. The big JC

7:01

we call him. I believe in the

7:03

cross. Sure. I'd be a fucking head-stick,

7:05

so I think it's just the biggest part I've ever seen

7:07

in my life. No, that's very small. But you know I've

7:09

been doing stand-up at the pizza place. My gumma loves my

7:11

fans. What

7:14

is your stand-up all about? What's going on with it? Oh, well, you want me to

7:17

read you some of my jokes? Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, I mean... I got some jokes

7:19

for you. We have a little time until our guest of honor gets hit. Yeah, well,

7:21

I got jokes for the whole freaking show. Oh,

7:23

okay. I go about two hours. We

7:26

don't have that much time, but I would love to hear a few.

7:28

Imagine this. You come in the pizzeria. You sit

7:30

down. Do you have a stage at the pizzeria? No,

7:33

we have one, two tables. It's interesting. Do you

7:35

even have chairs or stools? No chairs. So

7:37

how are people fitting down? Tiny, tiny little

7:39

benches. Just tiny benches? What's tiny to you?

7:43

Size of a chair. Smallish bench you've ever seen in your life.

7:45

Size of a chair. I don't know. I don't know how

7:47

to figure that out. And then

7:49

I come out, I bring out my

7:51

big, big microphone. Okay, how big

7:53

is the microphone? Size of your hand. And

7:57

I start doing my stand-up. in

8:00

my hand that would be a weird microphone although I guess those

8:02

are sort of like the Frank Sinatra used to sing in them where

8:04

then when they were circular and yeah no we're not

8:06

circular no long long long like titties like titties

8:09

yeah like a good titties should be okay right

8:11

and I'll give you a joke you

8:14

got it ready okay my grandma

8:16

kid cook the other day she made

8:18

me roast chicken she says what's

8:20

the matter you don't like it I said maybe next

8:22

time take the feathers off of it my

8:25

grandma pretty good I

8:27

mean I feel like I've heard of a whore but my

8:29

grandma can't cook she

8:31

can't bake neither other day she made me an

8:33

apple pie so bad I thought it was a

8:35

peach pie like was

8:39

it a peach pie hybrid

8:44

car okay that is good

8:47

for the environment because it lowers

8:49

greenhouse gases sure I says you want

8:51

to lower greenhouse gases don't feed me

8:53

anymore that me blows lasagna my

8:55

mom okay

8:58

these are good I mean they

9:00

slay oh my gosh she's

9:02

dying these are good for pizza

9:04

place jokes she's so beautiful my grandma

9:06

every second wither is a blessing I don't think

9:08

she can't cook though or bake okay just

9:11

jokes okay they're not based on my wife go

9:13

ahead but

9:17

my grandma can your wife cook or

9:19

bake she's a Michelin's boss what and

9:21

she does BBL she's

9:25

a Michelin has she ever gotten confused and

9:27

done a like oh yeah like a

9:29

pot roast on someone's ass and then a bbl in

9:31

the oven cool

9:37

yeah where

9:39

she did one that sounds like my dating

9:41

life I love to be one of the

9:47

roster at the pizza place oh I'd

9:49

love to see you could come in

9:51

rotation when I'm in the back cooking the

9:53

pizza pie shyly your fucking head okay

9:55

I don't know $25 for a piece of like a Personal

10:00

pan pizza? That's too much. What? How's this? How do

10:02

you visit New York? These are normal prices. Okay, I

10:04

don't know. I'm gonna get all of them. A lot

10:06

of times you can get like one slice for a

10:08

dollar, and that's as big as your... Oh yeah. Like

10:11

a pity or whatever. That's the size of a pity, right? Yeah. But

10:14

we're talking about your fucking head. This is the biggest pizza pie you've ever seen. I

10:16

gotta charge it right, okay? Okay, I don't know. Look,

10:18

Tony, Sony, you're gonna act as my co-host for the

10:20

show. Oh, I love it. I love it. We have

10:22

to go to our guest of honor. Is that okay?

10:25

Absolutely. I hope you find your meatballs, but... I'm a pizza-rea.

10:27

Let's do this. Let's do this.

10:29

You know him as a stand-up comedian,

10:31

an improviser, an actor, and now what

10:33

the fucking

10:42

author? This is craziness.

10:44

He has a new book. It's called Dad at Peace,

10:47

and it's being distributed through something that I've never

10:49

heard of. We're gonna really unpack this when he

10:51

gets on mic. Please

10:53

welcome back to the show Chris Gethard. Hello. Thank

10:55

you so much. Hey. Hey. This

10:58

is Tony, Sony. Yeah, no, I live in New Jersey. I'm

11:00

well aware of Tony, Sony. Oh, you are? Pizza Legends. No,

11:03

you come in all the time. Pizza Legends. See

11:05

you. Yeah, I've been in. I've been in. Yeah. It's

11:09

in this beautiful little burrow. It's in

11:11

between Queensland and Brooklyn, dude. So it's one

11:13

of the burrows? Manhattan. One of

11:16

the five burrows? It's in there. It's one of those. Okay.

11:18

Or this is a secret burrow? This is like the Harry

11:20

Potter train station? Yeah, you know. You have to

11:22

go. I'm a train. Yeah, a burrow, five and a half? It's a

11:24

five and a half. Well,

11:26

it's wonderful to have you, Chris, back on the show. This

11:28

is very exciting to see you. Oh,

11:31

it's great to see you. Thanks for having me. Yeah.

11:33

You're also a podcaster, I should mention, although we don't

11:35

like mentioning other podcasts on the show. Yeah, beautiful, anonymous.

11:37

It's still a thing that exists somewhere. Congratulations. I've been

11:40

going now for probably, if I was going to guess,

11:42

seven years? Nailed it. Did I really? Seven

11:44

years. By the way, we are, and I meant to

11:46

say this in the intro, we're on Do

11:49

Not Disturb. This is the world's first dingless podcast.

11:51

Wow. I don't know if your

11:53

show can get there, but eventually maybe

11:56

it will. But we don't receive

11:58

text message dings on this show. We're

12:00

the first dingless podcast in the

12:02

world. So it's we're very

12:04

excited about it for 2024 Yeah, you

12:06

set the bar on that and then the rest of

12:08

us try to catch up. Sure. I know you're still

12:10

having dings and yours But okay, you'll get there you'll

12:12

figure out the technology real. It's a real 20 problem.

12:14

Is it 2019 2020 move? Yeah So

12:19

so you have this book You're

12:22

an author now. How does that feel? It

12:24

feels good. Yeah, I've written some books in

12:26

my day You're written so this is more

12:28

than one book. There's my sixth book six

12:30

books. Yeah, tell me the titles I want to

12:32

know all six there was you read that hunt

12:35

for red October. I wrote hunt for red

12:37

October I wrote to kill a

12:39

mockingbird Anything that

12:41

says Harlan Coban on it. That's me.

12:43

That's you Well,

12:45

I wrote so this one's dad at peace I

12:47

also wrote dad at pills and the lonely dad

12:49

conversation So that's kind of a triptych and then

12:51

I were you a father by the way Okay,

12:54

it'd be a flex if you were just Obsessively

12:57

writing about fatherhood from outsiders

13:03

Terrible being a dad Yeah,

13:06

mail in a town now it's out and then I wrote

13:08

one called lose Well one called a bad idea I'm

13:10

about to do and then many years ago I wrote

13:12

one about Haunted places in New York

13:14

called weird New York when I was in my 20s.

13:17

So why so many books? It's like isn't one enough

13:19

for you know what I mean? Yeah, I guess it's

13:21

just a fire that you can't put out and also

13:23

I like doing things when people say that they will

13:25

pay Me money for them. I guess what I feel

13:27

it here's how I feel I feel like you see

13:30

all these guys like John Grisham and they have so

13:32

many books. Yeah, it's like, okay You

13:34

stick to one but then everyone in

13:36

the world has to write one as well So that

13:38

way there's not less books in the world, but

13:41

we have more voices out there

13:43

and that's what's important is diversification

13:45

of voices Yeah, give me all the

13:47

voices. I love it Yeah, Stephen King wrote all

13:49

those books and then he wrote another book about

13:51

writing books It's like well if you're out of

13:53

ideas, I know how to buy your cannibalized for

13:55

every book he writes He should have to delete

13:57

one of his books Right

14:00

if he's really like no this one's good. I want

14:02

people to read it. Okay, which one are you gonna

14:04

delete? 1963

14:07

or whatever the fuck it was which is like a

14:09

real Sophie's choice about his own book. Yes, right You

14:11

got to really be confident in your book then yeah

14:15

1963 it's like it's a date. Yeah, did a book get

14:17

it out of here. What's what's going on? Let's get

14:19

it out It's gone. We hate it. We hate a

14:22

shelf. Thank you Tony. I appreciate you. Yeah, my bad

14:24

I've been to Tony's Pizza and it's great although It's

14:27

like a very it's kind of known in

14:29

the on the East Coast for a really

14:31

good pizza, but not great spatial awareness Yeah,

14:33

small portions sort of like a Picasso experience

14:35

with the pizza the shapes and sizes are

14:37

very Yeah, you know

14:39

that's what they all the right. I had a piece of pizza

14:42

where the pepperoni is bigger than the slice of pizza It's hell

14:45

Not until I got the Tony's We

14:47

do big pepperoni sizes fucking body

14:52

Fucking hey Yeah,

14:57

sometimes you like wrap yourself like Oh,

15:00

it's like love is blind in there. Everyone's got a blanket on

15:02

it with a pepperoni It's

15:04

a part of the love is blind experiences everyone everyone

15:07

goes into the rooms with a blanket I'm pretty sure

15:09

they film it in some kind of warehouse Freezing

15:11

all day. They give them blankets

15:13

everywhere. They go. Yeah I'll

15:15

keep my eye out for that. Um, so So

15:18

what is this book about dated piece? If

15:21

I'm gonna really try to figure it out

15:24

from the title, you're probably

15:26

the titular dad. Yeah Yeah, and

15:28

the piece you're talking about is

15:31

perhaps a state of mind. Yeah get

15:33

closer warmer It's a B. No colder

15:35

colder. We're colder. Yeah peace of mind.

15:37

Yes. Yes. Yes. Peace that bad hood

15:39

Yes, it's not P. It's P. E.

15:41

A. C. E. It's not a PI

15:43

easy. Yeah, it's not P. I. Hey

15:45

Tony. Are you still in? It's

15:47

a pie. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm in big

15:50

time. I'm so you don't like to read about pizza You

15:52

just like to make them. No, I never eat why shit. Why are you?

15:54

Why would I read my well? You

15:57

come I reach you like to meet the bed. She reads me

15:59

a Kindle Mostly

16:01

romance novels actually. The Pisces, not

16:03

this lady fucking a merman. Beautiful.

16:06

Is that okay? The real book, yeah. Yeah,

16:08

I've never read that one. Where do they

16:10

fuck? I don't mean location. I mean like...

16:13

I guess I do mean location on the body. He's got a dick.

16:16

He's got a human dick. That's not

16:18

mermaids. Is he like mermaid

16:20

below the penis? Mermaid... His butt

16:22

is part of the tail. But

16:24

his front... So he's got like a slanted kind of

16:26

thing where his butt is part of the tail, but

16:29

then it like slides down and it goes like

16:31

his butt... It's like

16:34

chat. It's like chat. He sounds more kind

16:36

of like an aquatic centaur than a full-on

16:38

mer creature. I'm just telling you, you've got to read the book.

16:41

They fuck on the Santa Monica beach.

16:43

Really? She takes them back in

16:45

a wheelbarrow. Back to her house. They fuck her out.

16:47

In a wheelbarrow? Don't worry. It was recommended to my

16:49

guma during a book club. Best book everybody had ever

16:51

read in their entire lives. Okay. I

16:53

think I see what's happening. So what is

16:55

this book about, Chris? It's

16:58

largely about me giving up on my

17:01

life choices because my son is more important

17:03

than them. What were your life choices? You

17:06

know, kill myself to try

17:08

to get public access television shows onto cable platforms.

17:10

You know, starting to feel like maybe I don't

17:12

need to fight that fight anymore and it's time

17:15

to chill the fuck out a little bit. Well,

17:19

you've had a successful career. You've starred

17:22

in television shows. You've

17:25

guest starred in really popular television

17:27

shows. Are you

17:29

saying that you are sort of raining

17:32

back on those types of things or you're a desire

17:35

to or… Yeah.

17:38

A lot of it is related. Well,

17:42

a lot of it was, you know, the

17:44

fear of getting residual checks for 35 cents

17:46

started to really get even more scary when

17:49

my child's health insurance depended on my career

17:51

choice. Now, health insurance for a child costs

17:53

more than 35 cents, right? Yeah.

17:55

We're on the same page on that one. That's what I'm

17:57

saying. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. simply

18:00

can't pay for it at that rate. Is

18:03

this a book about like, hey, I'm going to give up

18:05

on acting and making shows and I'm just going to write

18:07

six books? Even the books,

18:09

they'll probably be the last book. A lot

18:11

of it is I've started working for

18:13

a nonprofit and I'm trying to actually. That's not

18:15

a way to make money. Right

18:17

there on the table. That lets you know

18:19

a lot about how things have gone for

18:21

me in entertainment. That nonprofit is the more

18:24

profitable choice. You

18:27

have like, I don't want to say day job,

18:29

but you have like a regular job. What is your

18:31

job? I have a job now

18:33

where there's this great

18:35

nonprofit called Wellness Together. They place mental

18:38

health services in schools and I'm building

18:40

a whole program with them to send

18:42

artists into schools to do comedy to

18:44

help as like a mental health

18:46

intervention. Let me guess, you get like a six figure

18:49

check to do this comedy in these schools? No, I

18:51

don't get anywhere close to a six figure check. If

18:53

you want me to come in one of these schools,

18:55

I'm going to get my family. I would love that.

18:57

I would love it. Do you have

18:59

another joke? Absolutely. I got tons of

19:01

them here. Let's see what else I can do. This

19:04

is sort of like an audition for apparently this guy's

19:06

pulling the strings. Yeah, no, I can get you gigs

19:08

in middle schools, high schools. I would love that. Let

19:10

me know how this will go. I just want to

19:12

make sure it's appropriate for a school environment. I'll find

19:14

an appropriate one for you. Okay, here we go. Let's

19:17

see. Okay. People always say in New York,

19:19

P.U. it stinks. I says, you want to smell something that stinks. Try my

19:21

gummaz mi lasagna. I say, you want to smell something that stinks.

19:23

Try my gummaz mi lasagna. It stinks my

19:25

gummaz mi lasagna. It stinks my gummaz. I'm

19:27

going to

19:29

make sure that we exchange information before we

19:31

head out because ... You may have to prep

19:33

the students regarding what a gummaz is. Yeah.

19:36

Because they seemed focused on that topic. I

19:40

was going to say the meatloaf is stinky because

19:42

it was eating the meatloaf made you have stinky

19:44

farts, I thought. Yeah, that's what I'm

19:46

saying. It's stinky coming out of the oven. It's

19:48

stinky coming out of the butt. It's

19:50

stinky all the way through. Yeah, the whole

19:52

process. Every step. P.U. E.U.

19:56

P.U. And E.U. P.U.

19:59

E.U. Let

20:01

me know how this one will go over in elementary school.

20:03

Let's see here. Yeah, yeah. My

20:05

grandma took me shopping the other day, telling

20:07

me I need a new suit and fast. I

20:10

says, baby, what do I need a new

20:12

suit for? She goes, hopefully a funeral. My

20:15

grandma. Oh, she's

20:17

threatening. Wishing death upon you. Yeah.

20:21

Yeah, no, I think that could work. Yeah, we're going

20:23

to talk. Yeah, it sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield style

20:25

joke. You don't get no respect. No. Rodney

20:27

Dangerfield. You ever see Caddyshack? Oh, that guy.

20:29

No, it's not that bad at all. It's about my

20:32

german, not my wife. I'm talking about my freaking wife. Okay, yeah. I

20:36

would, because it's funny, that is, I would point

20:38

to Dangerfield as probably the biggest influence on your

20:40

jokes, so you didn't even know who you was.

20:42

No, no. I would almost say

20:44

that you might have looked up Rodney Dangerfield jokes

20:46

and then just appropriated them. No, no. He's

20:49

a completely original. These are Tony's Sony or

20:51

so New York. How do you pronounce your

20:54

actual name? So New York. Okay,

20:56

so. When we arrived in New York, it

20:58

was someone with a New Yorker. And then over time,

21:00

we dropped the A in the old car. So

21:02

your ancestors were just commenting on like, oh, so

21:05

this is New York. Yeah, New York. Oh, New

21:07

York? Oh, New York? It was

21:09

originally the question, did we stay here? Someone with

21:11

a New Yorker? I

21:14

guess you didn't have a lot of options, but I

21:16

guess you could have gone through the Panama Canal and

21:18

went to California maybe? Yeah, maybe, yeah. It would have

21:20

been a longer trip. Yeah, I guess so. So

21:24

this is all a book about your

21:27

experiences as a father as

21:29

well and. Yeah,

21:31

yeah. And yeah, just how that

21:33

experience has encouraged me to

21:35

change some of my priorities up and how I'm a

21:37

happier person for it. Are you really a happier person?

21:40

Because a lot of people say, a lot of people

21:42

in show business and you're not giving up on show

21:44

business. We could make that clear. Like 40%. And

21:48

then the other 60%, it's allowing me to really

21:50

love it again because the pressure is off. The

21:53

pressure one has when you get into show business, there's

21:55

a lot of competition not only in the business, but

21:57

between you and your friends of like, why is my

21:59

friend? getting this. I'm not getting

22:01

this. I want to achieve

22:04

this in my career. And

22:06

you're just letting go of all of that

22:08

and saying whatever happens, happens. Yeah, exactly. And

22:10

I think a lot like you and I

22:12

have hosted TV shows and I think a

22:14

lot about my old TV show and

22:16

how I used to grind my teeth so hard that

22:18

two teeth of mine fell out in our writer's room.

22:21

And I sit there and I go maybe I

22:23

should change my priorities now that I have a

22:25

son. I don't want him to have a toothless

22:27

father because I'm living a life where I'm opting

22:29

into a relentless amount of stress that's

22:31

progressively more low paying the longer I do this. One

22:34

can have a TV show without doing that. I believe

22:36

I had one. It turns out I can. Okay,

22:39

I see. You can. I'm glad for you. Your teeth

22:41

look great. Mine were literally falling out of my head.

22:43

He's the size of a fucking head. I

22:46

don't know if you... They're considerably smaller. Have you ever

22:48

seen a human head? Your

22:51

eyes, by the way, are down like staring at

22:53

the floor. Yes, they are huge. Have you ever

22:55

tilted your neck up? What size are these things?

22:58

Let me give you a checkup from the neck up. Here, come here for a

23:00

second. Here,

23:03

now you're looking at her head. Whoa, look at these

23:05

things. Smaller. Look at the size of fucking heads these

23:07

things. All right, so you

23:09

do know what a head is. Tony, have

23:11

you ever seen a doctor about how you

23:13

perceive things visually? Let's

23:15

see. I went to the doctor for... I

23:18

had a little... I had a yeast infection.

23:20

What? I didn't know the guys could get the whole thing.

23:24

Too much pizza, though? Too much yeast. Yeah,

23:27

my guma says

23:30

I should be eating less yeast. Is

23:32

this a bit? This sounds like the

23:34

setup for your child. Okay, yeah. You're working

23:36

for notes right now. It

23:39

sounds like a great book. Now, let's unpack

23:41

how people can get it, because here's how I

23:43

usually get books. I go down

23:45

to the library and I

23:47

just walk out with them. Hopefully, they don't

23:50

have the little sensors in the book. You're

23:54

living in the past. What you need to do to

23:56

get books now is go to everand.com, and that's where

23:58

you can get my book. I love it.

24:01

What is it? It's formerly known as Scribd.

24:03

They just changed the name. That doesn't help

24:05

me. Nope. It's just a

24:07

service where you can sign up and there's tons of books on

24:09

there. So these are, it's a

24:12

place they've commissioned the book and then they

24:14

paid you a certain amount to do the

24:16

book and it's exclusively on everand.com. So what?

24:19

They're selling me the book. It's a shipping to my home. No,

24:21

no, no. I'm getting it online. Your

24:23

gumma can read it to you off of the Kindle. I'm like,

24:25

you know, I love to hear that. I want to let it

24:28

know. And how many, is it the

24:30

same as pages or is it, how

24:32

many computer screens is this book? Great,

24:34

great, great question. Really great

24:36

question. Thank you so much. I don't

24:38

have the answer off handle. Sorry to say, but that's a

24:40

fantastic question. Okay, I appreciate that. Well, look, we need

24:42

to take a break if that's okay. Chris, can you stick

24:45

around? Oh, I would love to. Yeah,

24:47

we have some fascinating people on the show. I know you're

24:49

out of the business, but we have someone who works for

24:51

the film business. 40% out, yeah. Let me ask you this.

24:53

Yeah, yeah. If I were to make you a deal

24:56

and say like, hey, I have a television show. I want you

24:58

to star in. Uh-huh. It's out here on

25:00

the West Coast. I want you to leave your family

25:02

behind for, you know, five years or so and I

25:04

want to pay you two million a year and it's

25:06

guaranteed to win Emmys. What do you say? Guaranteed to

25:08

win Emmys two million a year, but I have to

25:10

move to the West Coast. Yeah.

25:12

It's Ted Lasso. You get hired on Ted

25:14

Lasso. I don't know. There's a part of

25:16

me that feels like I'm talking a good game, but I'm like,

25:19

I don't want to move to the West Coast. It's just the

25:21

West Coast? How about England? Yes,

25:23

it's really a Ted Lasso. It's a Ted

25:25

Lasso spin-off where they're like, here's Ted. Ted

25:27

Lasso's dumber brother. Wow. I

25:31

mean, sounds like a guaranteed hit. Those

25:35

always work. Dan Lariat. Yeah. What

25:38

do you do? What do you do? It's

25:40

a maybe. Oh, it's a maybe. Good. Okay.

25:43

That's a maybe. Yeah. I'm

25:46

not a fool. I'm not a fool, but I'm not, I'm

25:48

not scrambling for it. The pressure is off. I'll put the

25:50

10 million and the Emmys in escrow for you. The 10

25:52

million is probably, if we're being totally honest, a real motivator.

25:55

Yeah. I mean, look, just a million. They're

25:57

not paying you that much at the nine practice? No. Turns

26:00

out no turns out they're not I don't get

26:02

out of bed for less than one mill my

26:04

wife You're out

26:06

of bed right who only one this morning

26:08

this morning cuz you're out of bed You're

26:10

not just because I know it's audio. No

26:13

you're not laying out of bed. No. Yeah.

26:15

Yeah. I had to accrue so many days

26:17

Yeah until I finally hit the pepperoni

26:22

We're gonna take any other toppings by the way

26:24

we got pepperoni we got cheese Okay,

26:27

these we got songs you sound like tiny

26:29

terrible pizzas We're gonna take a break

26:32

Size of earth of course we're gonna take a break when we come back

26:34

away if somebody works in the film industry We

26:36

have a vocal specialist an incredible comedy bang bang

26:38

episode for you. We'll be right back with more

26:40

comedy bang bang after this The

26:44

big game or big mods first

26:47

date or first big break kit

26:50

Bins that new show or binge install

26:52

vids when you're a

26:54

real car lover the choice is

26:57

obvious with over 122

26:59

million parts to fit your number one ride

27:02

or die you can make sure your ride

27:04

stays running smoothly break

27:06

kits turbochargers LED headlights

27:09

exhaust kits bumpers roof racks

27:11

and engines Whether you're into

27:13

speed power or style eBay motors has

27:16

all the parts you need for the

27:18

ride you love Plus at these prices

27:20

you're burning rubber Not

27:23

cash and with eBay guaranteed fit

27:25

your part is guaranteed to fit your ride

27:28

Every time or your money back

27:30

keep your ride or die alive

27:32

at eBay motors comm eligible items

27:34

only exclusions apply

27:37

Everybody this podcast is brought

27:40

to you by Squarespace. Everyone

27:42

knows that the holidays it

27:44

can kind of be a

27:50

bit hard on the pocketbook Well,

27:54

if you're looking for creative ways to

27:56

increase revenue and give your family and

27:58

friends the holiday gifts they want,

28:01

they need, they deserve, then

28:03

you need to get started

28:05

with Squarespace's new feature, Squarespace

28:07

Courses. That's right, I mean, you

28:09

could teach a course in something. I could teach

28:11

a course in podcasting. Well,

28:14

who'd be interested in that? Ugh,

28:16

let's be honest. Maybe not me, but

28:18

you could. Sure, yeah. Squarespace has the

28:21

tools you need to create and sell

28:23

your own online course. Here's what you

28:25

do. You start with a professional layout,

28:28

and then you upload video lessons to

28:30

teach techniques and skills. With Squarespace Courses,

28:32

you can create engaging content and then

28:34

simply add a paywall and set the

28:37

price. Plus you can charge a one-time

28:39

fee or you can sell

28:41

subscriptions. Turn your creativity

28:43

into income with Squarespace Courses. Head

28:46

to squarespace.com for a free trial,

28:48

and when you are ready to

28:50

launch, go to www.squarespace.com/bang bang. You're

28:53

going to save 10% off your

28:55

first purchase of a website or

28:57

a domain. That's squarespace.com/bang bang. Oh

29:03

my gosh. It's not

29:05

January anymore, is it? No, it's

29:07

long past January, and people, the

29:09

new year has worn off. No,

29:13

I'm no longer writing 2023 on my checks. I

29:15

know it's 2024. The excitement

29:17

of the new year, it's totally worn

29:19

off. It's gone. But you know

29:21

what? You still have to keep your groove

29:24

going. You got to keep things going. But

29:26

for businesses who do a lot of mailing

29:28

and shipping, you got to keep moving, right?

29:30

Keep moving and mailing and shipping. Well,

29:33

stamps.com streamlines all of your

29:35

mailing and shipping to Turbo

29:38

Charge, your operational efficiencies. I've

29:40

always wanted my operational efficiencies.

29:43

Turbo Charged, and

29:45

stamps.com does it. Get access to the

29:47

USPS and UPS mailing services. You need

29:49

to run your business right

29:52

from your computer any time, day

29:54

or night. And with rates you

29:56

can't find anywhere else, like

29:58

up to 89% on... USPS

30:01

and UPS. stamps.com,

30:04

they've been around for 25 years, I

30:06

believe, and I've been talking about them

30:09

now for 10, they're our super sponsor.

30:11

I've been talking about them for so

30:13

long and we've been using them. We

30:15

use stamps.com at the beginning of starting

30:17

the business ear wolf to mail everything.

30:19

We love it. Keep your mailing and

30:22

shipping moving at the speed of your

30:24

business with stamps.com. Sign up

30:26

with promo code bang bang for

30:28

a special offer that includes a

30:30

four week trial plus free postage

30:32

and get this, a free digital

30:34

scale. No long term commitments or

30:36

contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click

30:38

the microphone at the top of

30:40

the page, enter

30:43

code bang

30:46

bang. Comedy Bang

30:48

Bang, we're back. We have Chris Gethard here. He

30:50

is the author of Dad at Peace, which people

30:53

can get at the,

30:55

I didn't write it

30:57

down, everand.com. Where the

30:59

book is about him

31:01

intentionally giving up show

31:03

business. This is different from

31:05

my experience where I just don't get jobs.

31:07

I feel bad about it. You're

31:11

saying feel good about it. I'm saying

31:14

I was at the stage of feeling bad and then hit

31:16

a point where I went, I don't want to feel

31:18

bad anymore. I turned to that corner that it sounds

31:20

like you're ... No, no, I'm still on that, barreling

31:23

down that highway and

31:25

feeling bad. Yeah, I started to really think

31:27

about life and go, why do I spend

31:30

eight to 10 months of the year feeling

31:32

really scared and bad? Then I

31:34

started making some changes. I should take that off ramp

31:36

is what you're saying. No, not necessarily, but for

31:38

me, it's turned out really well. Okay, all right. Dad

31:40

at Peace. We also have Tony

31:43

Sony here or Tony, Sony New York. So,

31:45

New York, hey, how you guys doing?

31:47

Yeah, wow, hot crowd tonight, honey. Do you

31:49

have another joke for us, by the way? I always have

31:51

a joke for you guys. Don't we, don't

31:53

everybody enjoy the pizza pie the size of

31:55

their fucking heads? Let's see. Mike

31:57

Bulma keeps begging me to go on vacation.

32:00

This is okay. Where should we go

32:02

the Bahamas? She says I don't

32:04

care where you go. Just give out the house I

32:06

got a hot date coming over Michael. I Love

32:10

it. Oh my goo mom when I look in

32:12

her eyes Hey, who this is about

32:14

your wife or your goo mom. I love life. I

32:16

don't know. I lost my place Maybe I

32:18

said my wife instead of my goo mom Which would have

32:20

been a slip because I never talked about my wife thought

32:22

I came on here, right? Right suddenly I'm talking about my

32:25

wife and that's freaking ten million dollars. Who do you hate

32:27

more your wife or your goo? My

32:29

goo mom, okay, but you hate

32:31

your wife Are

32:35

you spending so much time away from your wife? She

32:38

sounds like a very accomplished Incredibly

32:41

attractive woman who does who's who's a

32:43

Michelin star chef as well as an

32:46

accomplished physician every day It was you

32:48

as a blessing my boy All

32:51

right lead to me from the kids Strangelize

32:54

you have and then you may just do

32:56

did I over here to 25 kids? 25

33:00

kids and they're all in Ivy League colleges.

33:02

Everybody's doing fucking great. It's amazing.

33:04

So happy for them They're

33:06

all out of the house though. You're These

33:11

are their names I

33:21

Do but to keep track of You

33:25

just spend time with you come on your hand, I need

33:27

a little of that calzone if you know what I mean I

33:29

don't know you've never mentioned calzone pussy. I

33:31

need a Okay. Okay. Do

33:33

you make calzones? No,

33:36

no, absolutely. It's just folding a pizza

33:38

in half. Okay, this would be like the size

33:40

of half a head What

33:42

never mind? All right? All

33:45

right, let's like a shoulder I

33:48

don't think it's shoulders that have a bad is it? Okay.

33:51

Okay. We need to go to our next guest. Is that all

33:53

right? Hey, yeah, I love

33:56

it. Okay, great and Chris do it I

33:58

have your audible Yes from you? Yeah.

34:02

We can get to our next guest? Yeah, yeah. It's like being

34:04

on an airplane. I'm in the exit

34:06

row. Visual confirmation. Yeah, audible confirmation that we're okay to

34:08

go to our next guest. I'm locked and loaded, ready.

34:10

Let's do it. Okay, wonderful. Let's do

34:12

it. Let's make happen. He is someone who works in the

34:15

film industry. Is it Matthew McConaughey? Oh, I'm excited. Tom

34:17

Cruise. I'm really excited to find out. Please, please,

34:19

sorry, Cruise. Sorry, Cruise. Does sorry,

34:21

Cruise work in the film industry? Please, please. I'm

34:23

really excited to find out. Please, please, sorry, Cruise.

34:25

Sorry, Cruise. Does sorry, Cruise

34:28

work in the film industry? Please,

34:30

please, please. Please, please, please come for the

34:32

podcast. I don't think it's sorry, Cruise. Sorry,

34:34

Cruise doesn't have a job yet. We

34:36

don't know that. We don't, well, we don't know. The ultimate

34:38

nepo, baby. I'll tell you that. I know.

34:41

Yeah. Now, I'm reading the

34:44

name out loud. Matthew McConaughey? No,

34:47

Matthew Zimmerman. Please welcome to the show

34:49

Matthew Zimmerman. So happy to be here,

34:51

Scott. Thank you so much for having

34:53

me at the podcast. Yeah. I

34:56

hate the stat, so antagonistic.

34:59

Yeah, so stat what? Start the

35:01

podcast, antagonistic. But this

35:03

is a little bit of the problem with

35:05

the perception of Hollywood is it's a big

35:07

name if it's somebody you know from on

35:09

screen or an actor. I

35:11

work in Hollywood at a very important capacity, and

35:14

yet you've set me up to be less exciting

35:16

than these names you know so well. I apologize

35:18

for that. And you, I mean, Chris, you know

35:20

this about me. I've always said that the

35:23

true names above the title on

35:25

the poster of the film should be everyone but

35:27

the stars. So you should see the entire credits

35:29

on a poster above the title of

35:31

the movie. I couldn't agree more with

35:33

you. The poster should be mostly names.

35:36

Mostly names. I don't, because honestly,

35:38

I don't want spoilers on the poster. And

35:40

you know, like when I went to see Star Wars, I was like, you

35:43

know, oh yeah, this is about a guy with a

35:45

laser sword, yawn. This boy

35:47

is the whole movie for you. You can figure

35:49

out, you can apply everything just for the poster.

35:51

I was just looking at the one, the Ashton

35:54

Kutcher movie with,

35:57

oh, what is her name? Rest

35:59

in peace. uh... committee s

36:01

britney murphy britney murphy yeah i

36:03

know uh... you know i said rest of

36:05

peace you started doing the role of that to all the women

36:07

asked to cuz she's been in movies with who had been with

36:10

the refuse to what do you have been but anyway

36:12

i a point being it's all midriff on her

36:14

and you go i get what's gonna happen in

36:16

this movie it's just gonna be britney murphy's back

36:18

for the whole movie okay yeah

36:20

i don't know that factored into the part

36:23

of the whole but maybe i misunderstood post

36:25

but the point is i do prosthetics on

36:27

films got out of it prosthetic yes i've

36:30

dominated for by stroke this year i've dominated

36:32

for gold this year i did the noses

36:34

on both of them you know the nose

36:36

on my show i did it i was

36:38

on my life and really the star that

36:40

that should be above bradley cooper on the

36:42

title doesn't very divisive no there

36:45

are a lot of people say that about by those is but

36:47

that they look at me and they go i see what's happening

36:49

here yeah you know i didn't want to say anything that you

36:51

you know you have a uh...

36:53

hunker there it's not you

36:56

know what they're fighting for the city is a

36:59

good lead up to a statement like that but

37:01

all the puts vibrate is you've been sitting there

37:03

thinking about how big my doses i have i

37:05

and i think it was a game time decision

37:07

i was like to mention the size of everyone's

37:09

nose before when i introduce them and i decided

37:11

not to on the show but uh... with you

37:14

it seemed like it was a mistake because you

37:16

have a giant one oh yeah well i uh...

37:18

thank you for the company those as big as

37:20

you had a similar size a couple i've around

37:22

that thing yeah i guess

37:25

not a couple not volume ug levy

37:27

or something like that uh...

37:29

but yes it's you know it's oscar

37:31

season i've just out here kind of

37:33

uh... doing the rounds and try to

37:36

get myself uh... the rewards because i'm

37:38

off overlooked are yes there is a

37:40

category for prosthetics on the day that

37:42

we work this year for makeup i

37:44

am dominated for cold and for mice

37:46

mice fight throw but for bicer uh...

37:50

i mean that the very divisive noses chris said

37:52

a lot of people were saying should should it

37:54

be that big should brett should

37:56

bradley cooper one of the most handsome movie stars

37:59

should Is it like a

38:01

nose cosplay, you know, right? Should they

38:03

be hiring people with noses that big?

38:05

Yeah, they play big those characters Yeah,

38:07

exactly. Who has a nose that big

38:09

that's a movie star. I'm trying to

38:11

think it's very rare to find

38:13

a movie star with the big bows but You

38:16

know at the top of my head It's

38:19

kind of referenced to the other Bradley Cooper film

38:21

with Lady Gaga where she's got the big does

38:23

that she points to Forget

38:26

that scene Yeah,

38:30

what's going on with Bradley Cooper in his nose fetish

38:32

I just wish he was peeing on stage more

38:34

often, you know But

38:41

all I could think about was his fake nose in that did

38:43

you do his nose in that dude That's how we

38:45

bet. Yeah stars boy. I did his though.

38:47

Yeah, no fake nose and stars board Oh,

38:50

yeah, almost every character you see in a

38:52

film is fake those really by work Yeah,

38:54

it's like how most films sound is recorded

38:56

after the pact on the by a Foley

38:58

artist or anything like that anyway to like

39:01

clear your throat or This

39:03

is just like a cold you ever is this

39:05

is like every week like someone who has a

39:08

completely closed off nasal passage All right. Well, I

39:10

do have What's

39:12

the thing with? My

39:14

septum is deviated. So you work on noses.

39:16

You don't know what a septum is. Well,

39:19

no, it's just the words didn't occur to

39:21

me I'm really on microphone. So yeah, I

39:23

don't want to make any like conspiracy style

39:25

accusations But you sound like someone wearing a

39:27

fake nose over your own. Yeah, you might

39:29

if we tug on your nami Yeah,

39:50

come off. Yeah, he seems

39:52

relieved it didn't come off like a

39:55

few by real those stayed on I

39:58

don't know I think that things make I'm comfortable It

40:00

was incredibly aggressive. Christopher Guest the

40:02

know that I if you ask

40:04

anybody my reputation as as an

40:06

example aggressive human beings are to

40:08

tell for beard the you the

40:10

certain word jaw breakers it's like

40:12

a i could tell ya i

40:14

saw a picture you in Berkeley

40:16

they see ninety five you don't

40:18

have a budget ticketed elbow id

40:20

ah as as as it held

40:22

every what the your presence is

40:24

the president or whenever you're some

40:26

very accurate references to isn't by

40:28

this punk bands operators have. Ah,

40:31

so you are or is your other trying

40:33

to get the award you think you'll win

40:35

it. I mean it was the biggest know

40:37

see the saying like you did the biggest

40:39

knows I did the because of the rewards.

40:42

It's just that biggest those I do think

40:44

that should be be Oscar's just be purchased.

40:46

Those I don't like affect the boobs we

40:48

watch it On the acting side is always

40:50

who does the most acting. You know any

40:52

yeah yeah, biggest shouts the most yeah but

40:54

I've I've been stabbed. The other was I've

40:56

ever gotten as of the Mtv Movie Awards

40:58

for the p This I. Did a boogie

41:00

the base which was of course inspired

41:03

by it was originally had those prosthetic

41:05

never that John C Rallies penises are

41:07

seated the filled the idea why did

41:09

all the pieces are all actors are

41:11

wearing precipitous is whether you see that

41:13

with I knew this because I'm I

41:15

shall We made a road where prosthetic

41:17

seen since every guess every for nothing

41:20

now oh yes I rub episode Kelly

41:22

Cuoco go to whoa whoa wait. A

41:26

lot closer look. A

41:29

lot of ssssss. Ah

41:31

so yeah I mean is it when I mean

41:33

is I have it was giant that thing. I

41:35

appreciate it. I appreciated that I prefer be But

41:38

also all the below the line that you know

41:40

the cut them out of the broadcast Kibble probably

41:42

is David a better by David the show it

41:44

it's just I worked so hard. These those as

41:46

that's is the for the Philips I'm in part

41:49

of a is a film as a collaborative mediums.

41:51

A part of it is like you had to

41:53

find a scimitar prefer who could sit the nose

41:55

and frames to grab what lens the good to

41:57

use. yeah of the those in the play with.

42:00

I have to work with them on the nose. Yeah,

42:02

because quite often in that film, there was danger of

42:04

him turning to the side and then the nose just

42:06

going out of frame. All the time

42:08

they go, we gotta do that again, the nose,

42:10

not the frame. And then everyone goes, God damn

42:12

it, Matthew. And I go, it's not my fault

42:14

that the nose is leaving frame, I made the

42:16

nose accurate to Cooper or whoever he's playing in

42:18

the movie. You don't know who he's playing in

42:20

Maestro. He's playing Maestro, baby.

42:24

Oh man, I got a joke about Maestro here. Oh

42:26

yeah, yeah, let's hear it. My guma, she wants me

42:28

to take her to see Maestro. I

42:30

says, if you want me to die, why don't

42:32

you shoot me in the head? That way I

42:34

don't have to watch Bradley Cooper sing like a

42:36

lot. He doesn't

42:38

sing in Maestro, I don't. Yeah,

42:41

he sings, there's a dance montage, where

42:43

he's singing. Oh yeah,

42:45

that little sailor boy. Yeah, I guess

42:47

there's the on the town portion of

42:50

it, is that what you're saying? Yeah,

42:52

I walked out. I gotta say, for

42:54

this industry, I heard

42:56

some of your discussion earlier, I

42:58

find that your comedy to be too

43:00

misogynistic. It's

43:03

all at the expense of this woman who

43:05

you will not commit to. Whoa, I

43:07

love my guma, what are you talking about? You

43:10

say you love her, but then commit to her. I'm

43:13

a jilted man, I've been somebody's guma

43:15

before. I'm so sorry, really, you're not

43:18

in a relationship. Well, no, no, my

43:20

work is by relationship, my nose is

43:22

by relationship. Are you trying to

43:25

say you have sex with your prosthetic noses? That's

43:28

not what I'm trying to say, it happens to be

43:30

true for me. So wait, so Bradley Cooper's giant nose,

43:33

how's it feel going in that thing? Oh, baby. So

43:37

freaking good, oh my. I wouldn't do it if

43:39

it wasn't absolutely food of the gods for my

43:41

penis. Wait, were you

43:43

doing it in between takes? No, not

43:45

till rap, not till we rap. Yeah, after

43:48

rap, yeah. Wait, is it still on him? When

43:50

I do it? Yeah. It depends what the

43:52

actor wants, I'm never force an actor to

43:55

do that for it, but I do ask

43:57

if they want to. That's nice, that's polite.

44:00

You can't use the ask. But

44:03

you know what, who was you a gumma

44:06

for? That's

44:10

what I want to know. So I'm piecing together

44:12

the syntax of that sentence. Who was the Yousa

44:14

who was the Yousa who was the Yousa? I

44:16

need like a New York Translator. Like a Dr.

44:18

Seuss page. Yousa,

44:21

who's that? It's

44:24

not anybody you would know. It's another below. I wish

44:26

you knew them, because I wish I knew you all

44:28

the below the live people. We

44:31

should know every single person in the world.

44:33

Yeah. I don't agree. Well, can I?

44:35

I don't want to be too divisive, but I do feel

44:38

like someone has to bring it up. I

44:40

fully support the idea that below the line

44:42

workers deserve and need more credit. I'm with

44:44

you. But you're saying like Kimmel

44:46

won't mention me because of that, but there is

44:48

kind of an elephant in the room, which is

44:50

that knows a lot of people said it was

44:53

a very anti-Semitic choice too. Yeah. Okay.

44:55

Maybe that's why they're not, maybe that's

44:57

why Kimmel's not going to specifically shout

44:59

out Bradley Cooper's nose while

45:01

hosting the Oscars. I had

45:03

read by the way that you have the opportunity to take

45:06

your name off of the film and

45:08

you chose to keep it on. I asked them to make

45:10

it bigger. Just like the nose, right? Just like the nose. Like

45:12

your nose on that nose. Well, I

45:14

mean, it's an interesting

45:16

conversation because even to speak out and say the

45:19

nose is anti-Semitic means that you're being a little

45:21

anti-Semitic by saying that. And people say it to

45:23

me all the time. They go, whoa, this guy's

45:25

an anti-Semite. I go, because I'm Jewish and I

45:27

have a big nose. It's just the

45:30

way I am. Yeah. Well, I remember

45:32

once I was sitting outside my apartment out in the valley and

45:34

it was a big Russian population of

45:37

people. And

45:40

someone came up to me and said, like, are you a Russian

45:42

Jew? And

45:45

I was like, oh, because of my nose? Oh

45:47

no, no, I'm not. But it felt kind of

45:49

like I was the victim of anti-Semitism. Wow. Even

45:52

though you're saying that is a non-Jew, it's

45:54

a very interesting conversation piece. But don't you

45:56

agree? I very much agree that that man

45:58

was being a Jew. I suppose

46:01

take a lesson from me because I've gotten canceled before

46:03

you need to delete that out of the pipe

46:05

really you've gotten canceled Oh, no, no No,

46:08

New York On

46:11

the stand-up circuit I got I got really

46:13

too much about Every

46:16

joke every joke they hated it Okay.

46:20

Well, I'll take your advice. I'll definitely oh wait

46:22

our editing machine is still broken Fuck with this

46:24

thing hasn't been fixed for like a decade at

46:26

this point All right,

46:28

well, I guess it stays in but yeah, I

46:30

mean honestly like I wouldn't be taking the credit

46:32

for this nose This

46:36

is unbelievable 2024 that

46:38

I can't make gold in my ear

46:40

and vice-dros nose big huge and Jewish

46:42

without getting some sort of Blowback, I

46:45

know I think you can I just

46:47

think it's on I Just

46:50

think it's a little I just feel like it's a

46:52

little presumptuous to say Kim all's not gonna bring up

46:54

my nose because he's against Below the

46:56

line workers. Yeah when he's probably gonna bring it up

46:59

to talk about how anti-Semitic it was make a joke

47:01

about it If anything,

47:03

you know it we should have more

47:05

Jewish nose Representation on screen so

47:08

people don't think this about the characters.

47:10

It's not enough Jewish noses out there

47:12

Jewish penises Anything

47:15

that you know Jewish bodies need to be represented

47:17

boards. It'd be hard to do a prosthetic to

47:19

make a penis smaller Oh

47:32

Pull back the curtain on that. How do you how

47:35

do you do that? I make a like a penis

47:39

Like Willem Dafoe, there's all these Hollywood urban legends.

47:41

He has a huge heart right if he has

47:43

to play Supposedly

47:45

William Willem Dafoe apparently if you have

47:47

the biggest penis in Hollywood and what

47:50

it was what it What

47:52

if he has to play a small penis man, how do you

48:00

Well, you know, with the phone, just as a

48:02

quick side note, you can Google it. There's a

48:04

gif of him in a place swinging around that

48:06

big thing, and it's incredible. Oh, same. I'd love

48:08

to see that. The first

48:10

thing you do... Why? It sounds

48:13

inspiring. Okay, it also sounds like you can, like...

48:15

Yeah, it sounds pretty easy. He made it pretty clear.

48:17

How do you couldn't get it through the Kindle? I'd

48:19

like to talk to my woman. I

48:22

don't do technology. She knows it for me. Okay.

48:26

Well, it's going to look good for you, and

48:28

it's an amazing penis. But what I would do

48:31

is, first of all, you try to

48:33

do all prosthetics practically. So first, I

48:35

would ask if the actor was comfortable

48:37

pulling penis in, and you do tape

48:39

or any sort of hair clips and

48:41

stuff. What you would do is someone's

48:43

hair for a wig, you do with

48:45

the penis. Hair clips? Yeah.

48:47

So it's a long process, you know, for... I

48:50

remember when we did the Grinch, I think

48:52

Jim spent four hours in the penis chair

48:54

before it started every day. The Grinch is

48:56

naked, so that makes sense. I've

48:59

seen one of these penis chairs before. So

49:02

they lay backwards, right? Their

49:04

legs are... It's like

49:06

in stirrups, sort of? Their feet are in

49:08

stirrups, but then their hips and their legs...

49:11

It's like a gynecologist type

49:14

of... I've never heard the emphasis on the, oh,

49:16

I've got a collagen. Oh, och! I'm

49:18

going to call it a lot of tricks. Yeah,

49:22

it's like that they have their stirrups up, their

49:24

back, and then you pull the penis down between

49:26

their legs. Oh, yeah. And then you're working under

49:28

them if it's a big one like that. And

49:31

that way it's totally clinical, because you're not

49:33

looking at their face or their body or

49:35

anything. So it's like a car, like when you're working a

49:37

car and you're looking... Yeah, and I slide right under

49:40

there on the little wheelie thing, and I get out

49:42

and I wipe my hands on a rag, because inherently

49:44

you're going to get a little messy, and

49:47

I throw the rag on my shoulder and I

49:49

say, yeah, that's going to cost us. But

49:53

to answer your question, I'm so glad about your

49:55

curiosity about the business. Yeah. You

49:57

did it on the Chris Gethard Show. with.

50:00

I don't know because public access if you went

50:02

natural under your pants or what you do. Once

50:05

we went to cable, the actual penis

50:07

manipulation was one of the big, the

50:09

paninis press was, we actually

50:11

used, that was a new technology at the

50:14

time, the paninis press. You invented the paninis

50:16

press? It made everything a lot quicker and

50:18

flatter. I'm glad it

50:20

worked. You don't want any bulges. You know how there's

50:23

someone on set all the time like smoothing out your

50:25

sweater? Yeah. Yeah, you don't want

50:27

any bulges down there. So, you don't want any bulges

50:29

down there. So, yeah. Use the paninis press.

50:31

The paninis press, does it have ridges

50:34

on it? Like are we talking like little grill

50:36

marks on there or am I talking just fully

50:38

toast? No, it's like, right now what

50:40

we do is with ridges, but we're working

50:43

on, first of all, I've partnered

50:45

with the Theragun people to do more of a

50:47

press that is less ridged and flattening. Oh, that's

50:49

good. But the paninis press was- It was cool

50:51

you invented, I can just say from, it was

50:54

around like 2017, 18, we were using it

50:57

on our show and it was at that time, largely

50:59

the technology, you say you invented, it was mostly

51:01

just hey, now it's time, we're going

51:04

live in 15 minutes, you gotta come stick your penis

51:06

in this panini press. Yeah. It's

51:08

just a panini press and then like a

51:10

George Foreman grill stuff and then- And they were all

51:12

hot too which is, complicates the process. Yeah, really hot.

51:15

You're really good. And the people operating it were hot.

51:17

So, it was hot, they were hot, and they just

51:19

really just clamped down to make sure no penis showed

51:21

up on TV. So, you're very confused because you're like,

51:23

I'm looking at a hot woman, if this is making

51:26

it bigger when I want it to be flatter. Yeah,

51:28

yeah, yeah. Yeah. When

51:31

we figure out a better system, we'll use it. But

51:33

it was discovered by accident by me while

51:35

making a panini like most wonderful inventions were.

51:38

And I went, oh hang on, this could speed

51:40

up my penis shrinking for movies. Wait, so like

51:42

vaccines were invented by people making paninis? So,

51:45

you did just go into that thing and then you-

51:47

Was it an accident or were you doing it just

51:49

to experiment? So many questions. My dick's all over there.

51:51

Yeah, I kinda wanna know if it just flopped in

51:53

there or if you just had a moment of inspiration.

51:55

I like how you do that, DC human being. I

51:58

make my sandwiches, they can win you the poop. style

52:00

pants down. That's how I make all my pizza

52:03

pants. No pants. Well that includes the yeast

52:05

and Texas. Absolutely. You gotta watch out for that.

52:08

But yeah so they flopped in while I

52:10

was making myself a a brie, ham, and

52:12

apple sandwich. You put the apples in the

52:14

press? What's that? Nah, never mind. You put,

52:16

yeah you gotta put the apples in the

52:18

press. I mean the apples. Apple slices are

52:20

already flat. You need a platter? No,

52:22

you gotta press the apples. You press the sandwich with

52:24

the apples inside instead of scotting them. The apples need

52:27

to be hot! Sorry Tony.

52:29

The apples need to be hot too! He's

52:32

about to blow his top. Oh my god.

52:34

He's got me fired off. Hey sorry we're

52:36

talking about penises so much to our listeners.

52:38

This is what happens when you get four

52:40

guys talking on a podcast. That's what we

52:42

do. That's what we do. Don't get me

52:44

started on my hug. Well

52:48

I, look, I wish you the best of luck.

52:50

Do you have anything else in the works here?

52:52

Any movies coming up? Oh yeah we got a

52:54

lot of exciting stuff on the pipeline right now.

52:57

Let's see, as far

52:59

as nose prosthetics, we're

53:02

working on, I'm working with Marvel

53:04

for a new nosy superhero. Really?

53:06

Yes, so that should

53:08

be interesting. Is this a superhero that exists or

53:10

this is a what? A superman. It's

53:12

a Jewish superman. What?

53:18

What do you mean? I'd hope that

53:20

was your speech impediment. This

53:26

is Jewish superman. I mean Marvel's

53:28

a great superhero. The Superman already

53:30

was invented by two Jewish creators.

53:32

Yes, but they never engage with

53:34

his Judaism, do they? You

53:37

know, Martha Kent and uh... There was always at

53:39

least three pages devoted to him, you know, going

53:41

and reciting from the Torah. In

53:44

between adventures? I do remember. It went over huge in the

53:46

late 30s. They loved it in the late 30s. I

53:50

don't care what Lex Luthor's doing. It's the Shabbat.

53:52

We'll see you tomorrow, Superman. God wouldn't want her.

53:54

Gee, slash, sorry. Alright,

54:01

look, good luck to you at the Oscars coming

54:03

up. Oh, thank you. Please pray for me or

54:05

whatever you do. Vote for me if you're on

54:07

the committee. I don't think I'm going to. You

54:09

think Bradley's going to win, but do you think he's

54:11

going to thank you? He better.

54:13

He better. I mean, I would feel very disappointed. If

54:16

there's a camera on me while he's doing his speech,

54:18

you will see my disappointment fall from my face and

54:20

my nose. Yeah, I have a feeling there's going to

54:22

be a big camera on you. I

54:24

don't think the camera's going to see anything but that nose.

54:26

I'm sorry. Well,

54:29

I don't know. It's my calling card in a lot of

54:31

ways, so I don't buy people. Do you just muddle all of

54:33

your prosthetics on your own nose? Is that what it is?

54:36

Caught. You caught me. Really? Why are you

54:38

calling me Scott? Even the dick stuff, too? What's

54:41

that? Even the dick? Yeah, it's all me.

54:43

It's like how Fosse, everybody made fun of the way

54:45

Fosse danced. He said, I'm going to make it a

54:47

whole version of dancing and everyone's going to dance like

54:49

me, even the king of bop. So

54:51

the Boogie Nights dick is based on your nose. Correct.

54:54

Okay, all right. Asks if

54:56

they answered. All right, well, good luck to you at the Oscars. I'm glad

54:58

to. We're going to have to take a break. Can you stick around, though?

55:00

Yeah. Okay, wonderful. When we come

55:03

back, we're going to have a vocal specialist. So, oh,

55:05

you could use this. This will be

55:07

exciting for you. How do you be? Why would I do

55:09

that? When we come

55:11

back, we're going to have more with Chris Gethard. We're

55:13

going to have more Tony Sony, more Matthew Zimmerman, plus

55:15

a vocal specialist. We'll be right back with more comedy

55:17

bang bang after this. The

55:21

legends are true. I'm overbuilding. Yes.

55:25

The most legendary sauce has arrived

55:27

as McDonald's transforms into the anime

55:30

world of Wic Donald. The

55:32

quick slavers unite in all new,

55:34

papery, chili, wic Donald sauce to make

55:36

your tendies wic nuggets. I've been writing

55:38

to a powerful, unlocked nugga comics

55:41

with every meal and sit down

55:43

for a new anime short every week

55:45

only at Wic Donald's. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba. Go! I

55:47

participate in McDonald's for a limited time

55:49

while supplies last. Luxury

55:52

is meant to be livable. Discover

55:54

the new leather collection at Ashley

55:57

with premium quality leather sofas, recliners,

55:59

and a and more all built to

56:01

last. No matter how many spells, scuffs,

56:03

or pet-related mishaps come its way, the

56:05

leather collection at Ashley is made with

56:08

a durability you need for the whole

56:10

family. Shop the new leather collection at

56:12

Ashley and find shares starting at $4.99.99

56:14

and so visit $5.99.99. Ashley

56:19

for the love of home. Comedy

56:24

bankmate we're back. We have

56:27

Chris Gethler, Dad at Peace is the

56:29

book and one can access this by

56:31

going to something.

56:33

Everand, everand.com. Everand

56:36

or everand. Everand.

56:38

everand.com. Easy to

56:40

remember. Yeah.

56:43

Matthew, what were you gonna say? I just like

56:45

the idea that the previous app was called Scribd.

56:47

I pronounce it scribe did my head when I

56:49

would use it. Oh, double B?

56:51

You may be correct. I don't know. I

56:53

believe it was I thought it was Scribd.

56:56

Yeah, I'm sure they've said it right. Either way, that's

56:58

dead and gone. RIP Scribd.

57:00

I hope my copy of Eddie Baker's

57:02

play The Flick isn't also gone with that

57:04

app. I think

57:06

it's still out there somewhere for you. I hope

57:08

so. And if it's not, I'll buy you a

57:11

copy. What do you say? Whoa, and I'll buy

57:13

you a copy. What was that? Like

57:15

a cup of coffee. A cup of coffee? You guys want a cup

57:17

of coffee? We

57:20

also have Sony New York here.

57:22

Hey, I made you all

57:24

pepperonis, by the way. Yeah, you just gave

57:26

us a slice of pepperoni. When you say you

57:29

made it, you didn't heat it up or anything.

57:31

It's like Oprah. I'm

57:33

throwing them out like frisbees. Oh, so you're

57:35

Oprah, not the pepperonis like Oprah. No, no,

57:37

the pepperonis not like Oprah. It's the size of a

57:39

head. Right, right. The size of Oprah's head. Yeah,

57:42

well, maybe. I don't know. Yeah. I've never seen

57:44

her in real life. That's our once in real

57:46

life. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Wow. I didn't get a

57:48

car from her. No! Yeah,

57:50

you expect her to just like give out cars everywhere she

57:52

goes. Not even a hot wheels or anything? No, I was

57:54

at a wedding and it was like, hey,

57:56

I'm here. You were at Stedbit's wedding. Yeah, that's

57:58

right. I was just thinking. She's

58:01

probably in a bad mood. Alright, let's get

58:03

to our next guest. Hopefully they're in a

58:05

good mood. She's a

58:07

vocal specialist. Please welcome

58:09

to the show Chutney C. Rabbits. Hello,

58:12

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Beautiful.

58:15

I can't listen to that. Wow. Let

58:17

me show you something really quick. Oh, okay. Hi.

58:20

Hello. Spot the difference? Yeah,

58:23

one that seemed like you were doing like

58:26

a Grover impression. That

58:28

is correct. Yeah. The

58:31

other was from my glottis. Ah, I see. A

58:33

lot of glottis. A lot of glottis in your

58:35

voice, Scott. Really good. Is that a compliment or

58:37

is that a slam? No, no, no, no. That's

58:39

no dig. That's a compliment. Thank you so much.

58:42

You've got a lot of glottis. I'm worried about the other two. Well,

58:45

I hope I have some glottis in me too. Tony's all yeast.

58:47

All yeast. Three other

58:49

people here in the room, by the way.

58:51

Not just two. Oh, Chris is great. Chris

58:54

is all glottis. It's great. Oh,

58:56

thank you so much. Great. Yeah, gorgeous.

58:58

There's a nice husk. Yeah.

59:00

Oh, thank you. That's quite nice of

59:02

you. And then of course there's Matthew over here. Glottis,

59:05

bye. Matthew sounds

59:07

like his vocal cords have turned to dust.

59:09

It's quite possible. It's possible. I haven't been

59:11

to an ENT in years. Sounds like you're

59:14

sort of underwater all the time. Oh, thank

59:16

you. Yeah. Why haven't you been

59:18

to an ENT? At least go to the end. Those?

59:23

Hey. That's okay. I had

59:25

to go through each letter to know what he meant. That's

59:29

all right. Chutney, it's so great

59:31

to have you on. Now, you're a vocal specialist. That's correct.

59:33

What do you do? Who do you work with? All

59:36

these questions? I've worked with all the greats. I've worked

59:38

with Ruben Studdard. Okay. I've worked with

59:40

Fantasia Barrino. Oh, okay. I've

59:42

worked with David Archuleta. Okay, so a lot

59:44

of American Idol people. Were they all second

59:46

place people? Yes, mostly runners up

59:48

or top 10. Now, Ruben won. But

59:51

they all made Los Angeles. Oh, Ruben won. They

59:53

all made it to LA. Yeah. Vegas.

59:55

Yeah. Oh, Ruben won. Clay

59:58

came in second, but sort of had a better career

1:00:00

afterwards. I mean who can

1:00:02

say? That's neither him nor them. Clay aching,

1:00:04

we'll like slay aching. Did I

1:00:06

stutter? I

1:00:09

would say more like my ears are aching but... Hey

1:00:12

that's pretty good. You can use that as a feature.

1:00:14

Do you want me to ghost write for you your

1:00:17

jokes or? I'll write all my jokes. Wait

1:00:19

your Guimat's writing all these jokes about her?

1:00:21

We're not talking about it right now. Oh

1:00:23

okay. So let's talk about vocal specialists and

1:00:27

the job that you have

1:00:29

of being one. Yes. What

1:00:32

do we look out for when we use

1:00:34

our voices? What are these things that we

1:00:36

should be doing or should not be doing?

1:00:38

You should be using your diaphragm, not to

1:00:40

be mistaken with diagram. There's an extra H in

1:00:42

there. Yeah, one for like... Scott, furiously

1:00:44

crossing out of his belly on the paper there.

1:00:47

You should be drinking, you should be

1:00:49

hydrating and you know they say the

1:00:51

voice is the portal to the soul

1:00:54

and the rest of the inside

1:00:56

and the outside of your body. I learned that

1:00:58

at the Institute. Oh

1:01:01

what's the Institute? Where is it? It is in

1:01:03

the Glendale Galleria and I went into a lot

1:01:06

of debt doing that but I got a master's

1:01:08

there at the Institute. So this is the Galleria,

1:01:10

this isn't even the outside mall?

1:01:12

It's in the P2 of the Galleria under P1. This is very specific

1:01:19

to LA people. They built an

1:01:21

outdoor shopping mall. It's an indoor

1:01:23

parking structure, in a structure

1:01:26

on the lower level of a mall

1:01:28

in Glendale. You're more likely to

1:01:30

see it if you don't want to pay for

1:01:32

parking at the Americana. You go to the free

1:01:34

lot right there, you walk right by the

1:01:36

Institute. That's correct. Even I know this from New York. That's right.

1:01:38

You walk over there, you walk over. On your way to Potato

1:01:40

Quarter. So this is

1:01:43

where you studied? That's where I

1:01:45

studied. I learned a lot about the voice, I

1:01:47

learned a lot about the body and yeah, and

1:01:50

I'd love to talk to you guys kind of about, you

1:01:52

know, I consider myself a little bit of a voice psychic.

1:01:54

Well, I think that the voice kind of carries all

1:01:58

your your stinkers and your secrets. I can hear

1:02:00

it in the way you talk I can I can

1:02:02

tell a lot about you I can tell you full

1:02:04

of thinkers over there I can tell Because my big

1:02:06

nose? Oh no that's not what I meant

1:02:09

How's your big nose? You

1:02:11

gotta get cancelled Hey So

1:02:14

take us through what you do Yeah Yeah

1:02:16

take us through that I want to know if I have

1:02:18

more thinkers and more secrets Well okay so okay Chris just

1:02:20

take me through just what your day sounds like you know

1:02:22

Take me through what your morning was and then and then

1:02:25

based off that I'll let you know what I'm getting from

1:02:27

your voice Okay so just describe

1:02:29

my day Okay I heard everything I needed here

1:02:32

Wow okay You didn't even really do any you just said

1:02:34

you wanted to do it I was just asking for clarification

1:02:37

Okay how's your fiber intake? Yep

1:02:40

Seemed low Why are you looking at me Chris?

1:02:42

Because it's kind of eerie actually Oh really? Do

1:02:46

you have like diverculitis? What do you got

1:02:48

SIBO? I actually just recently had a colonoscopy

1:02:50

they're trying to That's wild that's

1:02:52

actually wild that you nailed that That's crazy

1:02:54

wow What were the results of the colonoscopy?

1:02:56

It was so recent I'm actually still waiting

1:02:59

on that The fact that you could immediately

1:03:01

sense that that is Incredible That

1:03:03

is shocking That's huge you're a midget I'm not gonna

1:03:05

lie I was a skeptic and rolling

1:03:07

my eyes at it Now you're 100% more? Well I want

1:03:09

to pause it You're a skeptic and I look like it

1:03:11

Fully out more Take my money tell me what you need

1:03:13

that was that was incredible Okay I really I gotta I

1:03:15

gotta count but you don't give money Okay

1:03:18

well wait a minute This is your children's card

1:03:21

No no no no no no no no no no no he'll be fine

1:03:23

he'll be fine He'll be fine He'll be fine You

1:03:25

just have to send it over the cash app Okay cash app

1:03:27

Totally legit No apps no things Anyway cash

1:03:29

app is the least shady of the What

1:03:31

else did we get from Chris? Okay fiber

1:03:33

intake a little bit more And again you

1:03:36

just need me to go ahead and Mmm

1:03:39

okay Oh no Oh

1:03:41

no Oh no This is bad

1:03:44

Oh no It's bad Oh no

1:03:47

What you're gonna die to Oh my god

1:03:49

What? Oh no I'm

1:03:51

so sorry Chris Oh no You're on

1:03:53

board how Did you recently watch the tape? Like

1:03:56

you're gonna die in seven days This

1:03:58

is really really strange This is really really

1:04:00

strange, but I was driving in New Jersey where I

1:04:02

live, right? And I saw a garbage bag on the

1:04:05

side of the road I don't know what came over

1:04:07

me, but I just said I need to see what's

1:04:09

inside what and there was a VHS tape No,

1:04:11

where did you have a where did you watch the

1:04:13

VHS? That was the thing? I felt really compelled to

1:04:15

watch it I went to a series of secondhand shops

1:04:17

and thrift stores until I thought I bought a number

1:04:19

of VCRs that no longer work.

1:04:22

These hookups shocked how often they don't

1:04:24

work right and I finally found and

1:04:26

it was almost like this weird Compulsion

1:04:29

came over me and then yeah when I watched the tape

1:04:31

there was this Woman who

1:04:33

had very kind of sunken. Oh that

1:04:35

bitch. Yeah, you know, you know that

1:04:37

bitch No,

1:04:41

this one is like this one in pretty I'm

1:04:43

with you I'm with you but yeah, this one

1:04:45

was a visible bitch Yeah, and

1:04:47

yeah, and yeah, I want to crawl down the

1:04:49

TV and all that. Yeah Yeah, mom and you

1:04:51

mumble the things Remember

1:04:55

there's a lady president. That's a game. I could

1:04:57

tell that from my wife was here In

1:05:00

the stomach issues. Wow. Mm-hmm. And Scott you could

1:05:02

credit is what I'm getting from your voice I

1:05:06

really spoken but yeah, I do have good. Yeah. Well,

1:05:08

I was just ruminating on that. Oh, yeah. Wow. Good

1:05:11

Wow, so gonna die in seven days. I'm sorry about

1:05:13

that. But I have good credit. So that's Matthew I

1:05:15

didn't get to hear from you enough. Oh You

1:05:20

don't want you don't want the dying seven days Are

1:05:27

you able to smell through your nose? No,

1:05:29

what do you smell through? Or

1:05:35

orally no orally and easily yeah, it's

1:05:38

like it's like any sort of thing

1:05:40

where you lose the sense somewhere it

1:05:42

becomes stronger Oh the daredevil unfortunately someone

1:05:44

through your butt means that I'm constantly

1:05:46

thinking Oh smelling smelling just yeah Yeah,

1:05:50

I do have trouble smelling but I

1:05:52

really I'm a very Superstitious

1:05:54

person and this is making me so

1:05:56

anxious for Chris, of course happy for

1:05:58

Scott's credit, but I got

1:06:00

800. So many people I need to call. I'm

1:06:02

actually 1600. They do it on essays. So many.

1:06:06

Yeah. I'm a mere piece of read.

1:06:08

I've seen. My credit is 418. Bunch

1:06:10

of, bunch of regrets I have. Thanks. I

1:06:13

have a bunch of apologies I need to make. I mean honestly

1:06:15

Chris, it's great to know that you're gonna die right? No, you

1:06:17

guys- I hate to die in 7 days and not know about

1:06:20

it. I'm not trying to be a buzzkill. You guys can just

1:06:22

keep talking about your credit scores. It's just I'm in a process

1:06:24

my own head. But Chris, but let me tell you this. You're

1:06:26

gonna die in 7 days but they're gonna be the most extraordinary

1:06:28

7 days of your life. You're gonna fuck, you're gonna

1:06:30

laugh, you're gonna feast, you're

1:06:33

gonna play with small animals. Really?

1:06:36

Remember his voice. In that order? I

1:06:39

hope so. Sounds like an average day with my

1:06:41

Goomba. Cause I gotta say if it's the

1:06:43

small animals and then the fucking, I don't know. Yeah.

1:06:45

Fuck the small animals. That sounds- Is there a

1:06:47

feast? Don't eat them after you fuck. Don't eat

1:06:50

them at all. I'm having a hard time reading

1:06:52

you. Is the Goomba your relative

1:06:54

or someone- No. My Goomba,

1:06:56

I love my life. This

1:06:58

woman, she is a

1:07:00

gift from God. I stare in her eyes

1:07:02

every day. But are you related to her? Right.

1:07:06

She is technically a distant cousin. When

1:07:09

you say distant, what do you mean? Like she lives a couple of pounds over?

1:07:11

Her. Like she's your aunt's daughter?

1:07:13

Yeah. She's my uncle's- That's

1:07:15

so distant. My uncle's daughter. Something like

1:07:17

that. Oh okay. Something

1:07:19

like that. See my Goomba? Sure, sure. I

1:07:22

love it. She is. She

1:07:25

makes me a better man when I look at her. Yeah.

1:07:28

And just to be clear, your first cousin? First cousin. Yeah.

1:07:31

Yeah. One of the distant ones. You

1:07:34

might be having a hard time reading because there's just

1:07:36

so much pizza dough blocking. I can't

1:07:38

hear. I can't hear. There's morsels of pizza coming

1:07:40

out of your mouth every time you talk. Just

1:07:42

the yeast. Everybody relax. Come on, I love to

1:07:45

read. That's not making me feel better. Don't worry.

1:07:47

No, it's just coming out of your pores. It's everywhere.

1:07:49

Just a little yeast. Yeah, you're sweating yeast. Your yeast

1:07:52

infection is rising. It's coming out of your body and

1:07:54

your hands. I'm loading and you're rising. Oh, you're an

1:07:56

Aries cousin? Aries cousin of yeast rising. That's right. What

1:08:00

can I say? What are some of these

1:08:02

can we do anything with our voices like sake

1:08:04

say like hypothetical like Chris doesn't want to die

1:08:06

in Seven days can you do something with his

1:08:08

voice to make him? Just

1:08:11

to make it clear that is pie in the sky hypothetical

1:08:14

I'll shoot you in the head if you want now no I

1:08:19

just don't want to be clear the seven days is not

1:08:22

my issue if I don't want to die Oh

1:08:27

Tony we're brothers. Oh my god. Sorry

1:08:29

to miss Jenny. It's only I

1:08:31

do it to bust your balls. Yeah I

1:08:35

do feel a feminine kinship to you. I feel warmth.

1:08:37

Oh nice to hear you, but okay What do you

1:08:39

if you don't want to die in seven days? I

1:08:41

hear you okay? I can take you guys through some

1:08:44

warm-ups. Yeah, that's gonna help We

1:08:47

got to get Chris's voice as healthy as possible. Otherwise.

1:08:49

Yeah, maybe you could make it to eight Yeah,

1:08:52

okay, let's so tip of the tongue tip of

1:08:54

the tongue tip of the tongue today And

1:08:57

we're supposed to say this that Tip

1:08:59

of the tongue tip of the tongue today, and and

1:09:02

it's still coming up big that he's gonna die Can

1:09:06

you make an adjustment you know how when you go

1:09:08

into a chiropractor to make an adjustment that actually fixes

1:09:10

your thing I hear you okay Okay,

1:09:14

okay, we got to pull out the big guns Um

1:09:16

I do this for those that are have that have

1:09:18

nodes or throat goblins You've got

1:09:20

you've got to get into the lowest register possible,

1:09:22

and you guys are familiar with the song pocket

1:09:24

full of sunshine So as low I got a

1:09:26

player gonna pick up a little sunshine Don't

1:09:29

know that I know that song Chris It's

1:09:34

all by though oh Well

1:09:37

he sounds like he's gonna die yeah Can

1:09:43

you take it a little lower Chris maybe do

1:09:45

that pocket full of sunshine I'll give a little

1:09:47

poker fella sunshine, okay, all right I

1:09:51

love it in spoken words. I'm in the very

1:09:53

bad headspace right now guys I don't necessarily need

1:09:55

don't put your phone down stop texting your family.

1:09:57

I'm telling them that I love them, and I'm

1:10:00

telling my brother that I need to see him

1:10:02

soon. Well I can't tell if you thought this

1:10:04

podcast while you're on your phone. Yeah, please do.

1:10:06

It's not like you're on the plane going down

1:10:08

right now. Like you have seven days. Chris, I've

1:10:11

just realized something. It's your brother who's going to

1:10:13

die in seven days. You're fine. Oh, you're fine.

1:10:15

No, that's not. No, you're fine.

1:10:17

No, no, that's almost worse.

1:10:20

Congratulations, buddy. That's almost worse in so many ways. I'll

1:10:23

shoot him in the fucking head. No, it's not what

1:10:25

I need. You don't need to get paid for. Yeah,

1:10:27

well pay for it. I'll take care of it. Pay for

1:10:29

what exactly? Like the bullet? I'll pay for all the expenses.

1:10:32

Yeah, you know, buying the gun, the bullets. Make sure you

1:10:34

pull me up somewhere nice. Mailing the

1:10:36

bullets to your brother's widow. But don't worry,

1:10:38

he's going to fuck. He's going to suck.

1:10:40

He's going to be a small animal. He's

1:10:42

going to fucking suck. My

1:10:44

brother's going to fucking suck before he dies. Think

1:10:46

about that. Dad, you fuck him with your fingers.

1:10:49

If he wants it, I'll do it. I mean, everybody

1:10:51

wants one nose fucked before they die. That is true. I've

1:10:54

got to decide if I'm going to tell him or if

1:10:56

I just let him live his life. Right. Yeah.

1:10:58

I know from very recently what it feels like

1:11:01

to know you're going to die. And I wouldn't

1:11:03

wish that on anybody. I know what... Oh, go

1:11:05

ahead. No, no, no. By all means, you... I

1:11:07

just learned from across the word that Nobel started

1:11:09

the Nobel Prize after mistakenly seeing his own obituary.

1:11:12

So maybe you could do something now that you

1:11:14

like. He didn't mistakenly see his own obituary, by

1:11:16

the way. They mistakenly printed an obituary. Oh, they

1:11:18

didn't print it behind his back. And then he...

1:11:21

He hadn't broken into the newspaper office

1:11:24

and rifled through the drawers. That's

1:11:28

a fun word, obituary. It was like a dance in my

1:11:30

mouth. I was confused by that because I thought it was

1:11:32

going to be the Obies. I thought

1:11:34

the word was the Obies, because it was an obituary part of it.

1:11:37

And then it turned out to be Nobils. Tell

1:11:40

me something. I need a... I

1:11:42

need my future told over here. Yeah, yeah. What

1:11:44

do we got for Tony Sony? I got

1:11:46

issues with my fucking wife. Yeah,

1:11:49

that's very... But your wife sounds tremendous.

1:11:51

I'd love to meet your wife. She's...

1:11:54

She works for the president and everything. She

1:11:56

works for the president? So like the current

1:11:58

one? Yeah, and she... But she did

1:12:00

but Him

1:12:06

trying to go downstairs pretty hot he

1:12:08

made that dog bite everybody No,

1:12:12

yeah, they wanted the dog to be more

1:12:15

aggressive So

1:12:17

experimental science yeah, Tony. I have to say when

1:12:19

I first met you. I did not imagine you'd

1:12:21

apply so much to current event I'd

1:12:24

like a stereotype 40 years ago That

1:12:30

right there actually was kind of a What

1:12:39

are you getting what are you getting right now? I'm

1:12:41

getting I'm getting something pretty wild well And

1:12:44

I want you to be okay with the fact that your wife Is

1:12:47

not just doing political stuff with Joe Biden well

1:12:51

They were involved What?

1:12:54

Joe Biden Are

1:12:57

they doing the horizontal mambo is

1:13:00

she Biden's goomah? They're

1:13:02

doing the limbo they're doing the mambo. They're

1:13:04

doing the mambo number five, and there's a

1:13:06

third involved no It's your

1:13:08

goomah. No I what no Not

1:13:11

the woman of my freaking dreams Your

1:13:14

wife your goomah and Joe Biden

1:13:16

are all fucking and fucking

1:13:20

No, they've had enough with the fucking

1:13:22

oh no, I'm gonna be There's

1:13:32

so much reflux happening My

1:13:41

crazy are you getting physically smaller? Those pepperonis

1:13:43

are the size of die are you getting

1:13:46

smaller or four feet tall right now? Some

1:13:50

Charlie in the chair like the friend of

1:13:52

vegetable and eggs right now. He made a fucking

1:13:55

juice smaller than your own pepperonis And

1:14:00

Now you're Oliver Twist? Please! Why?

1:14:03

Because you say please? But anyone who

1:14:05

says please is like Oliver Twist, I gotta say.

1:14:09

My bad. Otherwise

1:14:11

we'd have a terrible society if no one

1:14:13

could say please without people accusing them of

1:14:15

being Oliver Twist. Oh

1:14:17

man, every time someone's polite. I

1:14:20

always think- Tony, you're right. You need some

1:14:22

pizza put back in your body. Yeah, give

1:14:24

me the pizza size, my fucking head. Okay,

1:14:26

literally that's a big pizza now. No

1:14:29

wonder you thought heads were so small.

1:14:32

Tony, do you want any other toppings

1:14:34

besides cheese, sauce, and pepperoni? Pepperoni? Like

1:14:37

maybe mushrooms? Or maybe mushrooms. You could put mushrooms

1:14:39

on a pizza. Oh dear, you're such a freakin'

1:14:41

domino. Olive? Scruff is never an obvious. Let

1:14:43

me put it in the puditas press here. Okay,

1:14:45

let's all do dog pile on top of pizza. Let's all just pile up. Yeah,

1:14:47

well let's get it up to body temperature. Let's get it up to body temperature.

1:14:49

Let's get it up to body temperature. Let's get it up to body temperature. Let's

1:14:51

get it up to body temperature. Let's get it up to body temperature. Let's get

1:14:53

it up to body temperature. Come

1:14:55

on, let's not use penis. All

1:14:58

right, the pizza's up to 20 degrees, 40 degrees now. 40

1:15:02

degrees, here you go. Okay, I'm doing better. I'm

1:15:04

doing better. Okay, yeah, yeah, you shot

1:15:06

up another foot and a half. I have to

1:15:08

say, I am

1:15:10

a little bit superstitious, but I also

1:15:13

have a bit of skepticism in me.

1:15:15

And so far, none of your predictions

1:15:17

are provable, Chutney. I mean, it

1:15:19

seems like you maybe realized that if

1:15:22

Chris doesn't die soon, we'll know you're

1:15:24

wrong. So you've picked someone further away

1:15:26

from all of us. Well, why don't we

1:15:29

all meet at the same spot in one

1:15:31

week? I'll tell you what, we'll take a

1:15:33

break right now and then we'll meet in

1:15:35

one week. We'll take a week break. Perfect.

1:15:38

Here we go. And we'll be right back

1:15:40

with more comedy bang bang after this. Hi,

1:15:43

everyone. And

1:15:45

we're back. It's seven days

1:15:47

later. You guys like my haircut?

1:15:50

Hey, Chris, how's it going? It's

1:15:53

not great. Yeah. And

1:15:55

I would, to answer your question, yeah, I do. Suck it,

1:15:58

Matthew. I do like your haircut. So it all came true.

1:16:00

Not exactly. Oh really what happened? Oh close enough

1:16:02

close it what does that mean? Well now I

1:16:04

want to know more My

1:16:07

brother's not dead, but he's living a life worse

1:16:09

than death. That's what I meant Mary.

1:16:12

I wish you'd been more Yeah,

1:16:14

what are we talking a life worse than that? He

1:16:19

lost all his crypto That

1:16:24

is it that's it is real I

1:16:28

was vague I said death comes in

1:16:30

many shapes and forms not just You

1:16:32

know not just as bit no what

1:16:34

I would if I lost all my

1:16:36

grip Miriam no, and I did yeah We

1:16:40

are political one. Yeah, this is

1:16:42

no hologram of you Biden Nothing

1:16:45

going no doge. No doge Did

1:16:50

he did he thought good suck and have

1:16:52

a big meal I would hope I know

1:16:54

that he did have at least one Or

1:16:56

two big meals cuz I was there. I

1:16:58

didn't ask my brother Dinner

1:17:00

table with my brother and casually say you've

1:17:02

been fucking and sucking lately Who's

1:17:07

your sister she's a twin Next

1:17:12

time bring her on Twin

1:17:14

doesn't that mean your twin. I don't want to

1:17:16

talk about it. I guess it doesn't mean that

1:17:22

She's a twin not mine, okay interesting

1:17:25

Well this is I mean, I'm so glad we met

1:17:27

back here just to prove that everything you were talking

1:17:29

about is is exact and Chutney

1:17:33

where can people find you and

1:17:35

find your your service? I'm

1:17:37

doing a pop-up shop at p3 in

1:17:39

Pasadena You guys can come and all

1:17:41

you have to do you guys you can all you got to

1:17:44

do is talk to me For you know 10 or so seconds,

1:17:46

and you know I'll take care of the rest okay Well

1:17:49

we are running out of time here

1:17:51

on the show we only have time

1:17:53

for one final feature What is

1:17:55

that well? I'll tell you what it is. It's a

1:17:57

little something called plugs All

1:18:18

right, that was Plugs, my trendy dad. Thank you so

1:18:20

much. That could be the title of one of your

1:18:22

future books. Although you're not right. I don't say you're

1:18:24

going to write anymore. I've realized that it's a little

1:18:27

too short. It really is. I'm going to spend most

1:18:29

of my time just telling the people I love. And

1:18:31

talking and talking and playing with animals. I

1:18:34

did also play with some very cute small

1:18:36

animals in the past. Copy

1:18:39

barra. What are we talking about? Camps.

1:18:42

Copy barras mostly. Oh, okay, good. What do we

1:18:44

have? What are we plugging? Chris,

1:18:46

obviously the book, Dad at Peace, is out right now

1:18:48

and people can get that how? At

1:18:50

everand.com. Also, if you want

1:18:52

to know more about that nonprofit I'm building, you can

1:18:54

go to laughingtogether.org. That's

1:18:57

wonderful. Alright,

1:18:59

Tony, New York, what do you

1:19:01

want to plug? Okay, obviously

1:19:04

I want to plug my grandma. I

1:19:07

fucking love her. She is my world.

1:19:09

She's your first cousin. She's my

1:19:11

cousin. I love her to death. I

1:19:14

got no notes over here. And

1:19:17

I want to plug

1:19:19

one of her favorite

1:19:21

people's accounts at L-I-L-Y-Y-I-L-Y.

1:19:24

Too complicated. I'm not mad at

1:19:26

the tongue. No notes on that either.

1:19:29

Can never be changed. Also, this

1:19:31

book changed my life. Hey Randy

1:19:33

and hopefully going deep on CBB

1:19:35

World soon. And

1:19:38

yeah, just everybody out there,

1:19:41

just be nice to your grandma. And

1:19:44

your grandma. And my grandma. The whole episode

1:19:46

of Ragged Your Go-Bah, did you say that? My

1:19:50

grandma. This is like Don Rickles at the end

1:19:52

of his show. She's done like an hour about

1:19:54

racist comedy and then, anyway, all got to get

1:19:56

along with each other. My grandma's going to

1:19:58

the deli the other day. She's

1:20:00

getting an Italian beef. I got

1:20:02

one right here. She says that last time that

1:20:04

gave me food boy She

1:20:08

writes these jokes so she was in Chicago Notoriously

1:20:17

Chicago people don't say that It's

1:20:23

great how there's a little Chicago in every every

1:20:25

major city All

1:20:31

right, Matthew, what do you want to plug well, of

1:20:33

course any any of my films Root

1:20:36

for me at the Oscars and then there's Mad

1:20:39

Dog Pod the improper conversation podcast there's

1:20:41

a big ground a website.com for all

1:20:43

comedy from the group big brother and

1:20:45

on CBB world there's You

1:20:47

pray duck with Bill Walton that here answer mark

1:20:49

ready back on that show mark ready is back

1:20:52

We lost him for a month. And now he's

1:20:54

back. All right funnier than ever. All right, and

1:20:57

Chutney sea rabbits. What do you want?

1:20:59

Yeah, I have a book coming out called

1:21:01

the voice is the penis of the upper

1:21:03

body How to communicate express yourself so you

1:21:05

don't hurt yourself take better care Okay

1:21:09

That's just like an addendum of the end take better

1:21:11

care. That's all in the title. Okay I'm sure the

1:21:13

doses the penis of the upper body. I disagree. Oh

1:21:16

Oh My

1:21:22

book at borders, yes, Michael Ian black Megan

1:21:25

McCain style books where they never

1:21:27

mind CBB

1:21:30

world we mentioned it. We have great shows

1:21:32

over there all the CBB presents episodes. We

1:21:34

just put out a What

1:21:37

do we do? We just oh, yeah Yeah,

1:21:39

the alimony Tony just had a big Valimony

1:21:41

Shoney show where he had his ex-wives on

1:21:43

the show We also have Scott hasn't seen

1:21:45

we're in the middle of Oscar month We

1:21:47

have neighborhood listen over there three dumb by

1:21:49

the way is starting back up this week

1:21:52

season six on Thursday Paul

1:21:54

F. Tompkins Lauren lapis and myself We

1:21:57

are starting up our new season. So we want everyone

1:21:59

to if you I've somehow gotten

1:22:01

rid of the subscription, resubscribed to 3

1:22:03

of them, and listen, we're doing new

1:22:05

episodes starting this Thursday as well as

1:22:07

3mium episodes on CBBworld as

1:22:10

well as Apple Podcast Premium. And

1:22:13

let's see, I think the action figures are

1:22:15

sold out and I think there's probably still

1:22:17

like 20 tickets left for our show in

1:22:19

May. Is it in May?

1:22:21

I think so. Or April? I

1:22:24

can't remember. For the Netflix Is a Joke? Fest?

1:22:26

I think it's April? I can't remember. This is

1:22:28

a joke? Fest? I don't know

1:22:31

where the fuck you're supposed to go. All

1:23:01

right, that

1:23:03

was Ode to

1:23:06

Hello by Abby. Thank

1:23:14

you so much, Abby. And if you have a plug theme,

1:23:16

head over to cbbworld.com/plugs. Guys, I

1:23:18

want to thank you so much, Chris.

1:23:21

It's so great to have you. Good luck with book

1:23:23

number six. That's wonderful.

1:23:26

And thank you so much. You were in the middle

1:23:28

of shows in San Diego and drove all the way

1:23:30

down here to do, or up here rather, to do

1:23:32

the show. I appreciate it. Oh yeah, man. I'm out

1:23:34

here pounding the pavement, making things happen, Scott. P in

1:23:36

the pavement. Thanks for having me. Yeah. I

1:23:39

love it. And look, hey, Matthew, good luck. The Oscar is

1:23:41

coming up in a few weeks. Hey, the

1:23:43

pleasure was all by. And

1:23:46

Chutney C. Rabbitts, great to have you. I'll

1:23:49

make it out there to P3 in Pasadena.

1:23:52

Goodbye. Okay. And

1:23:55

Tony's in New York. Bye. Hey,

1:23:57

I bust your balls, but you know I love you. Hey, you know

1:23:59

that. you the love of my life every

1:24:02

time I look at your face I'm

1:24:05

a big pizza player I think you're

1:24:08

shrinking again what's going on do you say with

1:24:10

you oh no we need to get more more

1:24:12

pizza I ever land on

1:24:14

the pizza I know the pizza doctor Chris

1:24:19

good you guys all

1:24:24

right we'll see you next time

1:24:40

the legends are true the

1:24:45

most legendary sauce has arrived as

1:24:47

mcdonalds transformed into the anime world

1:24:49

of wick donalds the greatest flavors

1:24:52

unite in all news papery chili

1:24:54

wick donalds to make your 10

1:24:56

piece with nuggets prizes with

1:25:01

every meal to sit down for a new anime

1:25:03

short every week at mcdonalds

1:25:06

ba ba ba ba go and participating in

1:25:08

tunnels for limited time while supplies last 11%

1:25:12

off everything is happening now at menards

1:25:14

freshen up your home with paint from

1:25:16

dutch boy can quality products with features

1:25:18

like mildew resistant coating stain shield technology

1:25:21

and dirt resistant paint and primer in

1:25:23

one all in dutch boy's award-winning twist

1:25:25

and pour container right now platinum plus

1:25:27

interior paint is starting at 36 48

1:25:29

after 11 percent off then to march

1:25:31

third savings are mailing

1:25:33

rebates in the form of an in-store merchandise

1:25:36

credit check see store for detail Luxury

1:25:43

is meant to be livable. Discover

1:25:45

the new leather collection at Ashley

1:25:47

with premium quality leather sofas, recliners,

1:25:50

and more all built to last.

1:25:52

No matter how many spills, scuffs, or

1:25:54

pet related mishaps come its way, need

1:26:00

for the whole family. Shop the new

1:26:02

leather collection at Ashley and find shares starting

1:26:04

at $4.99.99 and so visit $5.99.99. Ashley

1:26:10

for the love of home.