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1:18

Volume. Here they

1:20

go. back to school, bring

1:23

the bell, brand new shoes, walk

1:25

in blues to climb the fence,

1:28

books and pendants, I can

1:30

tell that we are gonna be friends.

1:34

I can tell that we are gonna

1:37

be friends.

1:43

Ladies and gentlemen, mister

1:46

Conan O'Brien,

1:56

Hey. Oh,

1:59

yeah.

2:02

Thank you very much. Chimodina,

2:08

thank you. Hey, New York. Hey,

2:12

line.

2:18

Yes.

2:20

Thank you. It has

2:22

been It's

2:24

been way too long. It is fantastic

2:27

to be back here. We

2:30

are recording live tonight at

2:32

the Beacon theater ladies

2:33

and gentlemen. He's not excited. This

2:38

is absolutely incredible. I have

2:41

so many memories of the Beacon Theatre.

2:43

I did my tenth anniversary

2:45

show for the late night program. In

2:47

the Beacon Theatre, And

2:49

this blew my mind today. I remembered

2:51

that on that day, my wife

2:53

was pregnant with my first child.

2:56

When we recorded that show, this

2:58

is a mindblower. It's

3:00

my daughter.

3:01

She is now forty seven years

3:03

old.

3:05

She's an admiral in the navy.

3:07

She

3:09

fired on Italy like an hour ago for

3:11

no reason.

3:13

She's a terrible admiral, but it's incredible.

3:16

Incredible what happens.

3:18

I can't believe that I've taken

3:21

this journey here today, I also

3:23

can't believe I noticed this

3:25

just

3:26

before the show. I

3:28

threw on this jacket and then I'm

3:30

looking in a mirror just before I go on.

3:33

And I realized that I

3:35

put on a denim jacket with jeans.

3:41

Let me promise you something. That

3:44

was not intentional. I

3:46

was gonna wear a different jacket, a black

3:48

one. So there's, you know, just sort of a little bit of a

3:50

clash, you know? And

3:51

I put this on and I looked in the mirror

3:54

literally as Jimmy was playing

3:56

and I said Conan that you look like

3:59

a soybean

3:59

farmer, who

4:02

did pretty well in bitcoin. Doesn't that

4:04

what it

4:10

I I love I love

4:13

being back in New York. There's an energy here that

4:15

you cannot get in Los Angeles.

4:21

You're gonna prove it tonight. But

4:23

one of the things that's so amazing about

4:25

being here, this is a true story. This happened

4:27

to me, yes, today. I was in Midtown, and

4:29

I was walking along. And there

4:31

was a gentleman who was, I wanna

4:33

say, almost two thirds of a

4:35

block away from me, quite a distance.

4:38

And he's looking at me, and I'm walking,

4:40

and he goes, no joke. This is true.

4:44

Celebrity.

4:49

Celebrity.

4:49

And I he's where I'm going. I'm

4:51

going to my hotel and he's, like, right near

4:53

my hotel and I'm getting closer and closer.

4:56

didn't

4:56

change his pitch as I got closer.

4:58

Celebrity. Celebrity. Celebrity.

5:02

And

5:02

I got really close and I said,

5:05

Conan.

5:07

And he went Conan. And I

5:09

went, yeah. And I start to walk

5:11

into the hotel and he yells to his friend,

5:13

Celebrity. My

5:16

name didn't know him. He

5:19

didn't care. He's telling

5:20

people, I saw Jane Lynch.

5:25

She is tall and beautiful.

5:31

Quick shout out. I was walking the streets of

5:33

New York. I believe it was yesterday

5:36

or maybe it was even today. I don't

5:38

remember. I've been doing a lot of crazy

5:40

stuff. taken

5:42

all kinds of pills. And I this

5:45

young woman came up to me, and she was so

5:47

nice, and she said, I'm gonna see you at your

5:49

show tonight. She said my name's

5:51

Devin. I said, oh, I'll see you there and

5:53

she said, I have nosebleed seats.

5:56

Devin, are you here?

5:57

Nope. Hugh

5:59

Hugh Hugh

6:03

Hugh assholes.

6:07

I'm sorry. I know that's rough language,

6:09

but, yeah, me. I'm Devin. The

6:12

real Devin. Come on. Are you there

6:14

somewhere? Okay screw

6:16

it. Forget it.

6:19

She's back there, but too many people are

6:21

like, I'm gonna get a car.

6:23

Kona's

6:25

gonna do that oprah thing where I get

6:27

a car. So I'm just gonna

6:29

say, I'm Devin, and he's gotta prove

6:31

I'm not Devin. which

6:33

is no one's getting a car tonight. You're not

6:35

getting a car. But you are gonna get an

6:37

incredible show. We're gonna have an amazing program

6:39

tonight.

6:40

Really

6:42

good time. And as you

6:44

know, I am not

6:46

the

6:46

only part of

6:49

Kona Brian needs a friend.

6:50

00I

6:54

know I should be. I

6:58

read the mail. Okay. We've

7:02

tried to move them out and they won't go.

7:05

No. I kid. I kid to

7:07

quote the great triumph. I kid, they

7:09

are two wonderful people

7:12

and they make this thing and they also

7:14

humanize me, which is not easy to

7:16

do. Let's get them out here

7:18

right now. My good friends, my assistant who

7:20

does nothing. Sonam obsessedian,

7:57

You

7:58

know what I I forgot, and I

7:59

just remembered it right now, that,

8:02

Sony, you walked out and you hugged me and

8:04

you went It's a lot of people.

8:06

I forgot. You're

8:08

not really in show business. No.

8:10

I'm not. No. This is not what you

8:12

ever you've never done this before the podcast.

8:14

No. This is not this was this was not

8:17

my goal.

8:17

What

8:20

the hell was your goal, by the way? You

8:22

know what? It was not having

8:24

a goal was my goal, and I think I

8:26

crushed it. Yes.

8:27

Yeah. I

8:31

can't believe you wrote a book that say that was on

8:33

The New York Times bestseller list.

8:36

pretty much detailing how

8:38

you did no work for me and screwed me

8:40

over for many years. Yes. And

8:42

people are reading it

8:43

like a how to manual. And

8:46

then they wonder why is the economy in the

8:48

shitter right now? It's

8:50

because the most popular book in America

8:52

right now is Stoneham obsessedian's get high

8:54

at work. Watch porn if

8:56

you can -- Yes. -- and

8:58

make a fool out of your

8:59

boss. And you know what in my defense? You

9:01

wrote the forward. So

9:04

Who's the fool here right now?

9:06

I suppose I'm the fool here. Mister

9:08

Gorley, how are you? I'm well.

9:10

Yeah.

9:10

Matt,

9:14

you said you've

9:16

said that people who just listen to the podcast

9:18

when they finally see what you look like. If they look

9:20

at one of the clips online -- Yeah. -- there's surprise

9:22

they expect you to look differently. Why is

9:24

that, do you think? Well, I think because you painted

9:26

me as a a buffoon, a

9:29

fool, a

9:29

any farting, riding tree.

9:31

When in

9:34

fact, I am just

9:36

as solid dad. Yeah.

9:38

Yeah. And I like, a

9:40

ten on the dad level. But

9:42

dad level itself, is that a two?

9:44

Yeah. You know? And how are you doing

9:46

these days? You've got a newborn, Sony? You've

9:48

got newborn Both of you have been

9:50

living under this incredible newborns

9:52

anymore. Totally.

9:53

Yeah. Yeah. They're the eight

9:55

one. under forty is a newborn.

9:58

Oh, wait. Sorry.

9:59

Yeah. That is my perspective.

10:02

I was walking down the street today. I think it was

10:04

on Madison Avenue and there was one of those really

10:06

fancy shops where they someone

10:08

stands out and they hand you. If you ever had this item

10:10

too, they hand you like a little free

10:12

sample of a cream you can put on your face.

10:14

And what they do is they then try and say, Come

10:16

on into fancy store. Friend, you

10:19

got scammed. Yeah. That's never happened. I don't know

10:21

what you're doing. I woke up. I had

10:23

no clothing. Yeah. I

10:25

was wearing a World War one German helmet.

10:27

And when you left, they only gave

10:29

you denim. Yeah. Alright.

10:32

Shada.

10:35

I no. It's no. I didn't ask for anything I

10:38

was walking along. As I keep telling them, I I get

10:40

assaulted by people on the street. That's what happens in New

10:42

York. It's so fascinating, and I was walking along.

10:44

And there's woman said

10:47

she said, oh, here, I think she

10:49

was from Spain and she said, like, oh,

10:51

please take this free sample cream you can put

10:53

is a very fancy place like on Madison or

10:55

Fifth, whatever. And I I said, oh, thanks a lot, I

10:57

started going. She goes, no. No. 0000

10:59

You'd look so good with this one cream. Hold on.

11:01

So she starts to put this cream on my

11:03

face. Yes. She starts putting it on my face,

11:05

dude. because I'm a go along to get along

11:07

guy. Oh, god. But then she

11:09

starts to go like this. She's very young and she goes,

11:11

you probably want a lot of help under your

11:13

eyes. Right? Oh, what? And

11:15

I said, III don't know. What do you

11:17

think? She's just like, yes. Oh, and

11:19

the sides of your face. I

11:23

didn't ask for any of this. No.

11:25

And I'm I'm minutes past celebrity

11:27

guy. You know? I'm just

11:29

being ridiculed and humiliated. That's not fair

11:31

and that's coming from me who likes to

11:34

see you taken down a fortune too. Yeah.

11:36

I just don't

11:36

think you should put random cream on your

11:38

face that someone in the, like, what if

11:40

it's Jizz?

11:40

Excuse me.

11:43

Sono, what is Jizz? Can you explain to the

11:45

audience? Sure. Well, Jizz is is

11:47

semen. What is someone just in

11:48

a bottle and then was like, let's put this on

11:51

your face. And you're like, oh,

11:53

thank you. Thank you

11:55

for this. Thank you for this

11:57

delightful Spanish cream. Yeah.

12:01

Conan, do you have Jizz on your face

12:03

right now? You're wearing

12:05

all denim and you have jus on your

12:07

face.

12:14

You've been in some kind of Canadian

12:17

portal movie.

12:20

Welcome to New York.

12:27

I've

12:27

oh

12:29

worked so hard for entire

12:31

career to build up, to be

12:33

able to come and play a prestigious room

12:36

like the Beacon Theatre. It's a shrine

12:38

to comedy and music in New

12:40

York City, and you

12:42

do that, Sona. I always do

12:44

it with joy. Yeah. All

12:46

roads lead back to jids. I'm

12:49

sorry. I always do that. I said, I

12:51

apologize. Yeah. Sure. You look all broken

12:53

up about it. Well,

13:00

I are you having a good time when you brought

13:02

the kids? Didn't you? I did. Yeah. I was on a

13:04

plane for five hours

13:05

with two almost year and a half

13:07

year old boys. and

13:08

your kids up as the dumb and

13:10

dumber team. We

13:11

did for Halloween. They were dumb and

13:13

dumber. Yeah. And then my

13:15

friend came as the bird whose head

13:17

was cut off.

13:18

the Lovely.

13:21

That's a lovely memory for that. Yeah. It

13:24

is. Yeah. And you,

13:26

Gorley, did you go out trick or treating? Yeah. We

13:28

took Glen out to see Michael

13:30

Myers like you would take your kid to see Santa

13:32

Claus at Christmas. And

13:34

she's wrong with you. That's a terrible thing to

13:36

do. Well, when you hear that my daughter did

13:38

scream, you're right. Yeah.

13:41

So you took her and let put her on the lap of a mass

13:43

murderer? Well, not on the lap, but the the

13:45

Michael Myers house is in South Pasadena,

13:47

so we took her there to get And in the

13:49

photo, he is, you know, threatening her with a

13:51

knife and we immediately removed her from

13:53

the situation. But in that area,

13:55

there Michael Myers is everywhere and

13:57

so you can't walk three feet without being

14:00

stock. We shouldn't have taken her. This is an

14:02

indictment. Yes, what? No. You were right. You're

14:04

a great dad. Number

14:07

ten. Number ten. And your

14:09

go to improv word is jizz. So

14:11

we're we're hitting it out of the park

14:13

here too. We got your back, buddy. We got

14:15

your back. I think

14:17

it's time that we get this show

14:19

on the road. Yes. We've had a

14:21

lovely time talking. And

14:25

before we do that, I wanna mention something very

14:27

important. Okay? You may or may not

14:29

know this, but I have

14:31

a new SiriusXM radio

14:33

channel team Coco Radio channel

14:37

106 You're probably

14:39

thinking, what's that gonna be? Well,

14:41

you you will always continue to enjoy

14:43

the podcast where you get your

14:45

podcast now, but it'll be some of the best

14:47

of the podcast plus lots of

14:49

other stuff from over the years and music,

14:51

and I've been doing a lot of recording for it, and

14:53

I'm having a blast. We're really having a

14:55

good time Now here's what I tell you. If

14:57

you don't have serious now,

14:59

we premier on the fifteenth, November

15:02

fifteenth. If you don't have

15:04

serious now, go rent a car.

15:06

On

15:10

the fifteenth. and

15:12

just drive and drive

15:14

and drive until

15:16

this voice makes you wanna end

15:18

it all. Now

15:23

it's a and this show tonight

15:25

is, if you wanna hear it again,

15:27

it's premiering exclusively on the team coker

15:29

radio channel, So all of you here will be

15:31

able to hear this when our channel premieres on

15:33

Tuesday eleven fifteen,

15:35

and I think it's gonna be

15:37

I think that channel's gonna be a blast. This is the

15:41

debut show that's going to

15:43

be on that channel.

15:45

So

15:46

here's what you can do. When

15:49

you rent that car and you're

15:51

driving

15:51

around, bring a friend. And when

15:53

you hear the cheering on channel 106

15:56

You

15:56

can yell at your friend. I'm one

15:58

of those people cheering. I was

16:00

a Devin. I was a

16:03

Devin. I was one of fifteen

16:05

Devon's that

16:07

lied to

16:09

cheat a young woman out of a nice

16:11

connection with Conan O'Brien. Alright.

16:16

I think we should begin this program and

16:18

I am absolutely delighted

16:21

to introduce our secret

16:23

guest today. I am a huge

16:26

admirer of this individual

16:29

and this I am

16:31

being so generic in my introduction.

16:33

They are very good.

16:35

This humanoid presence

16:38

brings me much joy,

16:40

and I'm delighted that this

16:43

matter shall be here, this

16:46

composition of atoms. So let's bring

16:48

down the lights

16:49

and find out who our guest is.

16:59

Hi. Hi.

17:37

My name is

17:38

Steven Colbert.

17:44

and

17:44

I feel put upon about being Conan O'Brien's

17:47

friend.

17:59

Wow. That was that

18:02

was very very nice. That was

18:04

pleasant. I will say this. We have had

18:06

a few surprise guests and your

18:09

reaction that you just got right now

18:11

blew all of that out of the

18:13

water. I pity any other

18:15

surprise guests.

18:15

then it's

18:17

all worth it. It's all worth it.

18:19

I'm so happy to be here. Thank you. It's so lovely

18:21

to see you guys. I mean, I've done the podcast before,

18:23

but I've never seen you. Yeah. You don't look anything

18:25

like I imagined. Well,

18:28

I I don't wanna throw you under the bus, but

18:30

I was there that time we did.

18:32

Yes. awkward.

18:36

But Remember,

18:38

and I don't wanna throw you under the bus. Yeah.

18:40

But I still don't remember. Remember,

18:42

Matt, you gave him your grandfather's watch.

18:45

I did. Right. And you said you mean so

18:47

much to me. And Steven said,

18:49

I'll met forget it. I was rubbing your feet the entire

18:51

interview. I thought that

18:53

was Conan. It's lovely to

18:55

meet you too. Thank you

18:57

for having me here. I think you look fantastic in that outfit.

19:00

Yes. You look amazing.

19:02

And I made I made

19:04

a mistake and decided to own

19:07

it You were the first one. I saw you looking me up and

19:09

down. I did. And I thought I

19:11

said something almost immediately.

19:14

Yes. I

19:16

mean, And then you told me a very funny

19:18

story. The the second time I ever went

19:20

on a date with my wife. She was living in Chicago. She

19:22

was living New York. Evy. I don't know if you guys ever

19:24

seen Evy on the show. I will go down to She was

19:26

living down to Chelsea, so III

19:29

show up

19:29

and, you know, I'm wearing jeans in a

19:32

jean jacket. And she looks at me, and I don't know if you've I've

19:34

got a camera shot of us. Yeah. We got we can see your

19:36

face. Okay. So

19:37

she goes like this, and she's swear

19:39

to God, this is unconscious. She goes,

19:41

Is

19:42

that what you're wearing?

19:45

And

19:46

that's what I did. I burst

19:48

out laughing. She's like, what are you laughing about? I

19:50

said, You have no idea we just did with your head,

19:53

then I know what your mother is like.

19:55

Yes. You But it's

19:56

a very she told you. She told you

19:58

like it's like magneto.

19:59

We have we have really good communication.

20:02

And and the thing is, I'm so afraid,

20:04

never I can't imagine there's so much you

20:06

read in your wife's face

20:08

and each other's I'm sure reads it in mind too. Like, this

20:10

is unspoken kind of dialogue and

20:12

vocabulary you establish with other people's faces.

20:15

And if so, if she ever got

20:17

Botox, I I would actually have

20:19

to ask her what she was thinking.

20:22

She can communicate

20:24

everything to you. Yes. Mhmm.

20:26

My wife, the perpetual expression she

20:28

has is you're doing your

20:31

best. She's

20:33

got these very large eyes and I can And

20:35

you've hung out. We hung out together as a couple. And

20:37

my wife is always her look is

20:39

perpetually he's giving in

20:41

all he's got. That's

20:45

so sweet. Look at him. Yeah.

20:48

Yeah. You know, I

20:50

do wanna say, I I was thrilled that you were

20:52

able to do this, and I say this I

20:54

know very well how how much work

20:56

it is to do a show night in

20:59

and night out. And that's why I feel

21:01

put up Pawn to be I know.

21:03

I know. No. Because here's the thing.

21:05

I really wanna be here. Like, you've thanked me,

21:07

you know, many times to be here already back today. He's like, no,

21:09

I really wanna be here. This is

21:11

super fun. because you're Conan O'Brien. Who's not gonna

21:13

show up

21:13

for Conan O'Brien?

21:14

Well,

21:16

I'm lucky

21:16

enough to have become your

21:17

friend. I would say we're officially

21:20

friends now. We do hang if you have

21:22

similar nerdy interests. We do. We

21:24

do. To the point where other

21:26

people just start to back away because

21:28

we start trading the names of, like, civil war generals and

21:30

everyone's, like, this is not good. No.

21:32

We should think of that, like, I think I think I think I think I think I think I think

21:34

I think a twin like

21:35

that twin language that scientists

21:37

can't breakdown. Yeah. But at the same time, come

21:40

on, I literally came from the end

21:42

solver of this theater. You know what it's like to do a

21:44

show a free night. I am

21:46

fucking exhausted. Yes.

21:48

How dare you ask me to be But

21:50

then you reminded me that when I did a tour,

21:52

I think, in two thousand ten.

21:55

Yes. I was I was out there. Yeah.

21:57

You and and John Stewart were both nice enough to

21:59

do, like, crazy

21:59

walk on on that tour, and I went to say,

22:02

hi, do you I think before the show?

22:04

Upstairs. Yeah. And you reminded me this, I

22:06

forgot I had been touring And,

22:08

Sony, you were on that too. You remembered I

22:10

burned about thirty five thousand

22:12

calories on every show. I was doing

22:14

everything I could think of. and I

22:16

couldn't sleep and I

22:18

became crazily like I lost weight. I

22:20

my pants were falling off all the time intentionally.

22:23

And and

22:25

then You said that I came into the room to say hi to you guys. And

22:27

what did I do? You immediately laid down on

22:29

the floor. You came in.

22:31

I said, hey, Connor. We went to Huggies and

22:34

just went, You came in the door like this. You went,

22:36

hey,

22:36

hi. And

22:38

I have a

22:41

photo of

22:41

you like this on my freshman floor.

22:44

I said, that

22:46

was more going. It's it's going great.

22:48

It's going great. Thanks for being me.

22:51

Yeah. That

22:52

was an invitation to sex. That's what

22:55

that was. Then

22:57

I apologize. Yes. I was detox.

22:59

I couldn't read I couldn't

23:01

read the lavatories. so much work done.

23:03

You do look fantastic, by the way. Oh,

23:05

thank you. You know what I have always wanted

23:08

to do? I've always wanted to do this and I'm I'm outing

23:10

it now, so it's a bit I can never

23:12

do. But there are people in our

23:14

world who get work done

23:16

they get real work done. And

23:18

then you see them later on and

23:21

you know, but you're not supposed to say

23:23

anything. Do you know what I mean? And I great

23:25

if I was gone for a couple of weeks when

23:27

I had a really good special effects

23:30

person take me back So

23:32

it looked like I had had some kind of radical work done. And

23:35

then just have a camera running and

23:37

see who because a lot of people a

23:39

lot of people would be like, Conan, hey,

23:42

No. Everything's fine. And I'd be like, I've spoke

23:44

to you. No.

23:47

I was just in Toronto for like four

23:49

weeks. because I was

23:52

I was thinking of buying a farm,

23:54

but I didn't buy the farm, but I

23:56

just hung out there for a while. And

23:59

I kinda just thought

23:59

would be fascinating experiment to say, who would say

24:02

anything? I feel like you would say

24:04

something.

24:04

I

24:07

think Robert Smigle would say

24:09

-- Yes. -- comment in the insult comic.

24:11

Yeah. Robert Smigle would do it as

24:13

Triumph. Yes. did

24:16

get the puppet right up my face. I feel like a snack did

24:18

they leave any skin over?

24:22

I can't. I can't. can't. I can't.

24:25

I could play your

24:25

pacemaker drum.

24:32

I

24:32

have a confession to

24:34

make Sona. Mhmm. I

24:36

come from a lineage, say, you

24:38

know, my family were awkward

24:41

about money. You know, some people are very comfortable with

24:43

money and just saying, hey, you owe me this

24:45

or can you give me that money

24:47

or, you know, I need some

24:49

money and I just

24:51

come from people that are very

24:53

we we hate discussing it.

24:55

We just hate discussing it.

24:57

Oh, okay. But then but then when you lend

24:59

somebody like ten dollars, they just have that

25:01

ten dollars forever and you're just like,

25:03

okay. Well then

25:04

because I'm Irish, I get to resent them.

25:07

Oh. Forever. Bear with

25:09

me. That's worth more than ten

25:11

dollars. But anyway, one

25:13

of the things I like about this modern world we

25:15

live in is that it's much easier

25:17

now to deal with

25:20

money. It just is. Modern

25:22

advances have made it much simpler --

25:24

Mhmm. -- and sort of remove some of the discomfort.

25:26

Next time, for example, someone's

25:28

sending you money, you know, you should tell

25:30

them? You should tell to use

25:33

Zelle. Okay. With

25:35

Zelle, the money will go right into your

25:37

bank account, and it typically only

25:39

takes minutes between enrolled

25:41

users. And even if the sender uses a

25:43

different US banking company than yours, it

25:45

still works. Isn't that

25:47

beautiful? Plus, Zelle's already in

25:49

over sixteen hundred different banking apps. You probably won't

25:51

have to download another one. By the way,

25:54

always double check that the sender

25:56

has your correct US mobile number or

25:58

email address so the money will go to the right

26:00

place. Look for Zelle in your

26:02

banking app today.

26:03

These days,

26:10

every new potential hire can

26:12

feel like a high stakes wager for

26:14

your small business. I know what that's like. Why?

26:16

I've got a little small business going

26:18

here. You do. this podcast, business of ours,

26:20

this team coco world. Yeah. When we

26:22

make a hire, it can feel like the

26:24

stakes are pretty I know

26:26

they're pretty up there, you know. Yeah. And one false

26:29

move in the Conan empire could crumble.

26:31

Yeah. You you don't

26:31

have time like, post

26:33

stuff up and then look at all over the time for

26:35

that. I'm busy. you

26:38

every month. one. I'm

26:40

busy shopping for silk

26:42

robes and satin pillows.

26:44

No. I don't have time for that stuff. Yeah. I

26:46

wanna be a hundred percent certain that I have

26:48

access to the best qualified candidates available. That's

26:51

why I have to check out LinkedIn

26:53

jobs. You know,

26:54

when I'm building the Conan Empire, that's where

26:56

I turn LinkedIn jobs, helps find the right

26:58

people for your team and

27:00

for free. Create a free job post

27:02

on LinkedIn jobs and then add your job

27:04

and the purple hashtag hiring frame to your LinkedIn

27:06

profile to spread the word that you're hiring.

27:09

they've got such simple tools. Have you noticed this on? Yeah. I have.

27:11

They have screening questions that make it easy to focus

27:13

on candidates with just the right skills and

27:16

experience. so you can quickly

27:18

prioritize who you would like to

27:20

interview at Nana Haya. Yeah.

27:22

Yes. That's true. Yep. Why

27:24

small businesses write LinkedIn jobs? Guess what? Number

27:27

one. Oh. In delivering quality hires

27:29

versus leading competitors. It's

27:32

nice. They take care of so much

27:34

stuff I just don't have time for. Yeah.

27:36

because I'm off and buying

27:38

a parakeet. You know? Yeah. It

27:40

takes time to do that. Publishing

27:42

a telescope. all the

27:44

things I have to do every day that have great

27:46

importance to me. Yeah.

27:48

So LinkedIn jobs helps you find the qualified

27:50

candidate you wanna talk to

27:53

faster. Post your job for free at

27:55

linkedin dot com slash conan. That's linkedin dot

27:57

com slash conan to post your

27:59

job for free. Terms and

28:01

conditions

28:01

apply. How often

28:07

do you do this live thing? We

28:09

haven't done that many of them, and this is our

28:11

first one that we've done in New York City. We've

28:14

done a few at the

28:16

Well Term Theatre in Los Angeles,

28:18

which is a lovely Theatre, but this was the

28:21

first time that we've played a house this large, this

28:23

important venue in New York. So

28:25

this is a big first. Aren't you you are you

28:27

are are you afraid at all?

28:29

by doing, you know, your lovely intimate podcast,

28:31

which I I really admire. But

28:34

one of the things I like about it is

28:36

I feel oh, I'm the fourth person in room or whatever. I'm, you

28:38

know, I'm I'm the fly on the wall and we're just hanging

28:40

out. It's a Friday and we're having lunch or whatever. Right.

28:42

And and when I listen to one of those podcasts and

28:44

then I hear an audience there I

28:46

go, Who are those fucking people? Why the

28:48

I thought I was I thought

28:50

I was I thought I was your friend.

28:53

Yeah. Are you are you, like, did

28:55

you ask someone into the relationship? Is it not spicy enough for

28:57

you anymore? Like, it's pretty much what happened.

28:59

Why can't it just be I very

29:01

much enjoy these two and I

29:03

enjoy you, Steven, but I was feeling at

29:05

this stage in my life to spice things up, I

29:07

needed to bring thirty five hundred other

29:09

people into the bedroom.

29:11

just because

29:13

Appropole of nothing. Okay? Appropole

29:15

of nothing other than that we're just talking about this.

29:17

If you ever ever ever had

29:20

been in bed with more than one lover, Conan? Oh. Have

29:22

I ever been? Have you ever been in bed with more than

29:24

one lover? thanks, Steven. And

29:28

let me say something that's probably

29:30

pretty close to true. I don't think

29:32

my wife's seen me completely naked.

29:36

and we've been married for twenty

29:39

years. I am a very

29:41

shy debutante. I

29:43

use like a variety of fans in

29:45

certain I

29:47

mean, I I'm just saying there's enough real

29:49

estate there that you could have two levers and each of

29:51

them could feel like they were a lever. Yeah.

29:53

They wouldn't meet. they have to go

29:55

with stamping. There was no discomfort that only knows

29:57

the right leg.

29:58

And then there's only knows the left

29:59

leg. Just curious how that maybe it would shock us here.

30:02

We're like, oh, when I was young and I was

30:04

traveling. No. No. I would

30:06

not. It's no shame in

30:06

it. Oh, I'm not saying there is no shame. shame

30:09

us. I

30:09

I'm not slut shaming. I

30:12

am I would treat that. If that were true, I would be

30:14

I would think I was a war hero. I would be

30:16

so proud of it. I would

30:18

get a metal made by the US government

30:21

that said, had a threesome.

30:23

And I would wear band

30:25

of lovers. Band of lovers

30:27

produced by Tom

30:29

Hanks. Sound hanks. And we'll make hanks.

30:31

do this. No. We're only about a hundred percent. No. But

30:34

it was absolutely I mean,

30:36

that was a thing that was What are we

30:38

talking about? We're talking about All

30:40

of these Are you being tired? No. We were talking

30:42

about my incredible life as

30:44

a lothario, a sexual being. Oh,

30:47

okay. Who No. But no. I have never been

30:49

and how about you? Have you been with more

30:51

than one? No. But

30:53

I was offered

30:58

Yeah.

31:00

I don't

31:02

believe I've

31:02

ever told this story I

31:04

was in Italy. Of course,

31:05

there you go. And

31:09

I I there was two young

31:11

ladies who I got and I was doing the

31:13

theater over there. Okay. First of all, what

31:15

stage of your life are you in? Are you sixteen?

31:17

I am nineteen. You're

31:21

nineteen. The last time you would have won to see me

31:23

naked. I was actually

31:25

doing the nude scene in

31:27

an opera over there. It was Ken

31:30

Russell, the director was a madam

31:32

butterfly, and he was doing it. He

31:34

said it in a a really a house of

31:36

prostitution rather than a a geisha. and

31:38

and sitting in Nagasaki. And

31:40

at the top of it, there's and the the

31:42

prostitutes were all be asleep on the floor, and I would walk out

31:44

and naked on stage while the,

31:46

you know, the Obo is going and they're

31:49

waiting for the bonds to come in. You know, you guys know

31:51

Matter about their flight. Yeah. Yeah. And Please.

31:55

And a couple of the girls, the extras

31:57

who were playing the prostages, were like, hey, you know

31:59

what? We've seen you naked once you when we have

32:01

sex together. Okay. Did it did you

32:03

think for a minute I might Yeah.

32:06

You

32:06

didn't let me

32:09

finish my question. I

32:12

I didn't let a lot of people finish.

32:14

the

32:27

Hi.

32:30

My name is Steven Colbert, and I regret

32:32

being calling O'Brien's brand.

32:34

So, wait a minute. So,

32:36

I mean, I've I've never been off that's never

32:38

been offered to me in my life. It didn't happen. Just want you to know

32:40

it didn't happen. Okay. But you were probably

32:43

tempted somewhat. Yeah. More than tempted. I'm like,

32:45

yeah. Oh, so why didn't

32:47

it happen? because it started

32:49

to happen.

32:51

Oh. It was it

32:53

was a picnic was arranged.

32:55

Wait, this was gonna be

32:56

outside?

32:58

This

33:01

is confusing. Is

33:15

there any chance we could edit this out

33:17

of the podcast? Oh,

33:21

absolutely not. Well, you're sitting

33:23

on the couch with the editor and I'll say a

33:25

sound. No. No.

33:27

And then when when the actual, like,

33:29

the idea, like, hey, let's go and pick

33:31

another I said, yeah. I don't wanna yeah.

33:34

No. I don't wanna. Yeah. And they asked why and I said, Natas

33:36

don't wanna I'm still not

33:38

sure why. Well, I think I

33:40

know why. Why? I would not do

33:42

it either, probably. blame. Because I would

33:44

be too overwhelming for me. I just

33:46

see I'm just being honest with all of you. I

33:48

know it's the cool thing to say like, But

33:50

I think it would it would end with

33:53

me crying. So One hundred

33:55

percent. And one hundred

33:57

percent. In my situations in life when it's

33:59

been one

33:59

on one, and months

34:02

of preparation, it ends

34:04

with lots of crying. And

34:06

it's me. Sure. No. I

34:08

just it seems like, oh, yeah. This is absolutely it. I'm over in

34:11

Italy and everything's cool and,

34:14

you know, we don't speak these

34:16

other languages except the language of

34:18

love. And and it all

34:20

seemed like very penthouse letters. You know, like, oh,

34:22

shit. That's real. People do have sex

34:24

and elevator stuck between floors.

34:26

And and then put them in the

34:28

actual, like, moment, like, hey, let's go. Oh my god. I'm

34:30

not going. Yeah.

34:31

No. Thanks. But III

34:33

respect that. I would I'm just telling you I would do the

34:35

same thing. That makes one of us. Yeah.

34:37

What's that? What? You what's that? I said that makes one

34:39

of us. Okay. Alright. Well, clearly, I'm

34:42

gonna get more of the opportunities here in

34:44

my outfit. Nothing

34:48

says I'm

34:50

I'm down for group

34:54

sex. It kinda does though. Maybe it

34:56

kinda does. You need a bigger belt buckle

34:59

and more rings. And

35:02

it needs to be nineteen seventy nine. Yeah. Yeah. That's

35:04

right now. This needs to be vail or

35:06

Aspen or someplace like that. the

35:09

times that I've done things with, like, Kevin Hart

35:11

and Ice Cube, they and I'd wear

35:13

anything remotely like this. They start

35:16

laughing. They're like, you look like a

35:18

male prostitute.

35:20

And I realized I

35:22

kind of do. You know? Yeah. And

35:24

that's what you said. You could some my

35:26

friend. Yeah. It's a good

35:28

thing to fall back on.

35:29

Yeah. No.

35:32

wanna ask you a question. You and I, I don't know if you're

35:34

aware of this. I know that you are from the great

35:36

state of South Carolina. You are a governor.

35:40

And people asked me because I'm from Boston. And

35:42

the other day, someone played

35:45

me a tape of

35:48

me as a child doing like

35:50

a bit of a a comedy bit with my sister

35:52

Kate, and there was an actual tape, and I think it's from

35:54

nineteen seventy five And

35:56

I got a Boston accent, and I'm kinda talking

35:58

fast. And I Right. Yeah. And

36:00

I never consciously decided to

36:02

get rid of it but it just be

36:05

through over time, I think

36:07

mostly

36:07

washed away, did you

36:09

ever have a southern

36:12

accent? I I

36:14

transferred colleges. And my last two years of college

36:16

I spent in Northwestern University's School

36:18

of Speech. I was in the theater department there.

36:21

And yeah.

36:23

And they thought

36:25

I had a

36:28

southern accent. Like, the voice teacher is like, yeah, you're from the south. I can hear the southern

36:30

accent. But I consciously tried not

36:32

to get one as a

36:34

child because I don't think

36:36

that southern accents are dumb. I

36:38

don't. It's it's often very lazily used as

36:40

a way to say dumb. Right. But, yeah,

36:42

on TV, the southern person was the dumb person,

36:44

and I wanted to be smart. my family valued

36:46

like smartness, so I wanted to be smart.

36:48

And so I kind of modeled

36:50

myself and I kind

36:52

of mean this even though I'm talking about like

36:54

an eight to ten year old when I say this, on John

36:56

Chancellor who used to be the anchor of the

36:58

NBC nightly news. Yes. I know. because you could

37:00

not my mother one

37:02

day said, Listen to him. You

37:04

can't tell where in the United

37:06

States he's from. And I thought that was kind of a

37:08

neat trick to be able to talk and no one would

37:10

know where you were from. I

37:11

get Connecticut a

37:14

lot. But that is but so it was it

37:16

was a conscious It was a conscious thing. It was conscious thing not to get us

37:18

on the accent. And I can do it. Like, I sometimes do do it. And I just

37:20

said do do. But So you

37:22

don't have to point it out because I know you

37:25

were about to. wasn't gonna mention it. If

37:27

I if I get I get

37:30

if I get really excited

37:32

or if I get really

37:36

angry, or if I get a

37:38

little drunk,

37:38

it'll come back. You'll hear it. And is it

37:39

a thick like, you know, I'll say I'll say boy,

37:41

you know, is it? Dipping

37:48

it out. Dipping it out.

37:50

No. No. But there's like

37:52

Allison's a really weird guy. you like, god. Just

37:54

the back pears it. And

37:56

I said, people co

37:59

pears it. now, who's the asshole for me a year?

38:02

Could I tell you the favorite thing ever said in this

38:04

southern accent that I've ever heard with? When I was

38:06

growing up in in on James Island, South

38:08

Carolina, it's of

38:10

Charleston. Yay.

38:12

Really? Really? Willa Lake

38:16

Road. And There was a there

38:18

was an advertisement for something called Gerald's recaps, and it was where you go, you know, you go by

38:20

recapped tires, retreads. Right. And

38:23

they would have a rotating tire and inside it was, like, evidently,

38:25

there's some green screen. As it rotated around, little testimonials

38:28

would come up from customers inside of it, how great

38:30

these retread

38:32

tires were. And

38:34

and this guy says this, and

38:36

I'd like to know what you think you're saying. Okay.

38:38

He goes, I'm fine. I get better minds with

38:40

the ones that are around that are around that are around

38:42

there. Well, I got I find I

38:45

get better mileage with the ones

38:47

that are on than the

38:50

ones that I find I get better

38:52

mileage with the ones that are around the ones that are

38:54

put around there.

38:56

I don't know. I think what he's saying is

38:58

I get better mileage with these new recap

39:00

that I bought from gerald's that they put on my car than the stock tires that

39:02

came with the car when I bought

39:06

it. I And

39:11

sold. Yep. So there's

39:13

that in Charleston. There's that in my hometown.

39:15

But there's also, like, there's and

39:17

there's kind of south, round, kind of that sound. That's

39:19

like that sort

39:21

of thing.

39:22

What? Fuck

39:24

you. It's a great day at

39:26

gerald. What's that the ad? I will meet

39:28

you at melvins for barbecue.

39:33

right down the street from gerald. Well, you've alienated

39:35

most of

39:37

us. That's what

39:39

South Carolinas do.

39:42

I know that's

39:44

succeeded from your podcast.

39:46

I

39:47

will bombard you until you

39:49

agree to come back. We're

39:52

getting into the weeds here. My

39:54

favorite thing ever said in a southern

39:57

accent that I've personally witnessed was the

39:59

great Andy Griffith

39:59

was on

40:02

her show. in the nineties. And

40:04

sheriff Andy Taylor, and he was a

40:06

wonderful, warm, you know, later known

40:08

to most people's Matt Lock, but just

40:10

a huge hero to everyone, our generation. He's from, I believe, North Carolina, but he

40:13

has this famous southern accent, and he was

40:15

on the show. He's very polite, and our writers wanted

40:17

him to do a bit So

40:19

they came in. They said mister Griffith, do you mind? We will have a

40:22

funny bit. We and he listened to anyone. I

40:24

wanna thank you very much. And I do

40:26

appreciate your time. And I do appreciate the

40:28

work that you put into this, but I think I'll just do

40:30

the interview with Conan and we'll leave it at that.

40:32

So the right or left and then the right or thought, you know what?

40:34

You gotta

40:36

be persistent. So he went back, which I didn't know of, and

40:38

he said, mister Griffith, I was just thinking about

40:40

him. It's a really funny bit, and so you'll do the

40:42

interview, but then afterwards, we'll do a

40:44

pretape, and all you have to do is put this

40:46

funny hat on he went, well, I

40:48

do thank you very much and

40:50

such an honor that a writer

40:52

like you would put the work into it and think that I could do it. So I do

40:54

appreciate that. But I think, again, I'll just do the

40:56

interview when he walks away.

40:58

The writer

41:00

whose name will, I will not say, but he decides,

41:02

fuck it. I'm going back in there one more time.

41:04

because I think I've

41:06

got Andy Griffith on the ropes.

41:09

So he goes back. He

41:12

goes back. And he starts to go excuse

41:14

me. Mister Griffith, if you could,

41:16

an Andy Griffith, just looked I mean, with the big smile,

41:18

he said, just walk away.

41:26

And it's one of my favorite things of all time. Yes. Did you

41:28

ever see him play evil? Yes. He's

41:30

fantastic. Face my crowd. Yeah. He play

41:33

is this a movie that I

41:35

don't know how many young people know this movie, but a face in

41:37

the crowd is one of the great films. It's

41:39

a very dark film. He also did sort of

41:41

a version of the most dangerous game where he's

41:44

the hunter. fantastic. Oh, he's great playing evil. Yeah. I think

41:46

he'd be very good playing evil. I'd love a

41:48

shot at it. Seriously,

41:50

would

41:50

you? one hundred percent who would

41:52

wanna play everybody I interview, like,

41:54

who's like, well, you're the bad guy. Like, the other guy,

41:56

it's much more fun to play the bad guy. Yeah.

41:58

It's much more thing. When I

41:59

worked on the Simpsons, all I wanted to do is write for

42:02

mister Burns. I didn't wanna write for anybody

42:04

else because writers

42:06

love to write me it's like a it's

42:08

we get to go or in comedy, to get to play that,

42:10

is to get to do something that

42:12

you feel you can't do in your real

42:14

life. But if it's part of a job

42:18

-- Sure. if I can play the worst guy in the world, that's what liked

42:20

about doing the Colbert Report is that

42:22

I got to pretend

42:25

the hand that his

42:27

ego wasn't

42:29

mine. Yes. Right.

42:34

You know what I mean? Like, I got to pretend, like, well, that's the carrot. But

42:37

and also, like, his appetites because he

42:39

was just creature pure appetites. And,

42:41

you know, why shouldn't I be the model American? Of course, why

42:44

shouldn't I be? Why shouldn't I be?

42:46

And and that was that was great

42:48

to, like, invest him

42:50

with all my secret dark. I

42:52

don't think they're the right appetites, but to, like,

42:54

invest him with all of those secret desires

42:56

and appetites that put yourself first

42:58

and everybody should love me and all that kind of stuff

43:00

and just to ride that train for that was a lot

43:02

of fun. I'll say this in because

43:04

I've I've think about comedy probably way too much and not enough

43:06

about threesomes. But

43:09

but I I

43:12

There are different comedians

43:13

that I can identify

43:15

who have really beautifully

43:17

inhabited a crazy

43:20

ego maniacal character.

43:22

And I'm thinking of, like, Allen

43:24

Partridge, the Allen Partridge character by Steve

43:26

Kuehagen, and there are certain characters

43:29

here and there, and you know, Ricky

43:31

Gervais on the original office and there are characters that have done it. I

43:33

am hard I can't think

43:35

of anybody else who

43:37

created a character like that,

43:40

committed to it, and did it every

43:42

night for eleven years

43:45

flawlessly. That isn't No one else has done that. Thank you. That is a

43:47

huge thank you. I really I really enjoyed doing it. You

43:49

know, I still liked it when I stopped, which is

43:51

nice. No. I still liked doing it when I stopped and

43:54

I stopped I I decided

43:56

to stop doing it two years before I actually stopped

43:58

doing it. I didn't tell anybody, but Evie knew,

43:59

like, my wife knew my manager. I was like, I'm gonna stop

44:02

on this day, December eighteenth two thousand fourteen

44:04

already decided because I wanna stop when

44:06

I still liked it. Yeah. And that's I can relate to that

44:08

as well. I loved doing my thing every

44:10

night, and I realized I

44:13

wanna doing it while I still

44:16

really love it and it's meaningful to me,

44:18

but I don't There are

44:20

other

44:20

things I wanna try. I still wanna be

44:22

in comedy, but I I don't wanna do this.

44:24

It's been a long time. But

44:26

you that I think is

44:28

an unrivaled achievement in comedy. you

44:31

managed to do. I really do. I think it's an absolutely

44:33

incredible Well, that's lovely to say. I knew it

44:35

would be hard. The

44:38

I remember. I remember it. Well, right before we put the show on,

44:40

not to talk about the ancient days, but literally

44:42

seventeen years ago, right around now, was

44:44

right before the show one on the air.

44:47

and and maybe further maybe long

44:49

ago than that. But Dave Cross, we

44:51

said, hey, Dave, we'd like you to be my foil. We'd

44:53

like you to come on and be occasionally be this character named

44:56

Russell Lieber. and he's a super liberal and come working

44:58

at the Mifflin Street co op in

45:00

Madison, Wisconsin -- Right. -- you know

45:04

you know, stocking the coal Robbie and, you know, and a

45:06

lot of very, you know, thirsty Rolex

45:08

sweaters and stuff like that. He said, okay. That's great. Great. So we

45:10

start working

45:12

on and everything. He's like, what do you wanna do it? And I said, well, we could do it any any day

45:14

next week, and he goes, but what night

45:16

he what I mean, like, I mean, recorded. Yeah. But

45:18

what night are you guys on?

45:20

and he

45:21

was standing. He was sitting in front of the couch that had the strip on it, like

45:23

the whole two week run of shows

45:25

behind him. And we hadn't been on the air

45:27

yet, and we said, I

45:30

mean, any any any day next week, we could do one of your available and

45:32

he goes, what do you what do you mean? And

45:34

then you look behind him and he

45:36

goes,

45:39

wait, this is

45:40

You're gonna do this every night. And

45:44

I said to you and he goes, oh,

45:47

holy shit. And I said, yay, I'm already past that.

45:49

Well, I've already gotten past that. My

45:51

first we did our first taping of

45:53

late night was September thirteenth

45:55

nineteen ninety three. and we did it and we

45:57

really liked the show that

45:58

we did and we put all of our weirdness

45:59

out there and and the crowd

46:02

was hot

46:04

and There'd been all this pressure for

46:06

months. Who is this guy? What's gonna happen? We did it.

46:08

We like idiots

46:10

went out and had a massive

46:14

party. Oh. And it was it was a Monday

46:16

night. And we parried

46:18

and parried and parried and

46:21

hugged each other and I told

46:23

people I love you, and we hugged, and we drank, and then it

46:26

was Tuesday.

46:30

And I didn't know then that I had twenty eight

46:33

years to go. That's the

46:35

thing is that even if you

46:37

have a really great like, if you're

46:39

doing one of these nightly shows, that takes an hour and takes a lot out of you and you care you gotta care

46:41

about each one. Right. And the the the thing is is that

46:43

you've got about five minutes to feel

46:45

good about it. Yep.

46:47

Or thank God, only about five minutes to feel that bad about

46:49

it because you got another show tomorrow. Right. And five

46:52

minutes, if I was like, hey, that was a really good show and then you go the

46:54

postmortem and go, okay, what's tomorrow? Yeah. But

46:56

you also have to kinda like that part of it. That's the part that I always separate to the

46:58

people who can do it for a long time or really enjoy

47:00

it is, you kinda gotta like the work. The work

47:02

itself has gotta be the thing that's your

47:05

reward. Right. If whenever someone in show business over

47:07

the years, a couple of times people would

47:09

say, you know, Conan, that that talk show thing

47:11

looks sweet. I've been, you know, in movies

47:14

and stuff and I've been kind of an action there, one

47:16

those must be pretty sweet. And I said, I don't

47:18

know what you're talking

47:20

about because It's every

47:22

day, and it's a great job, but it's

47:24

also it doesn't so I

47:26

love

47:26

it, but it's also it never stops. It's

47:28

incessant. And I know because I

47:31

had the same experience, but you it's hard not to bring it home

47:33

too because my wife could tell I

47:35

would come home

47:36

i would come home I

47:38

was never a drug person in any way,

47:40

but I would get so hyped

47:42

up by doing the show, and then I

47:44

would come home and be bouncing

47:46

off the walls and my wife and kids were just back away.

47:48

Like -- Mhmm. -- like I had

47:50

been working in a at a nuclear reactor

47:54

core. The good thing is though, I say the the the plus side, like, constant

47:56

work, and you're never really off. You

47:58

get you get off long enough to kinda

47:59

recover, then you're you're doing it again because, you know, it's,

48:02

you know,

48:04

what are you two hundred shows a year when you start out? Yeah. And it

48:06

but you know where you're going is the thing.

48:08

You know where you're going every day And

48:11

if you we're willing to set a schedule, you kinda know when you're

48:13

coming home and you can be there for the school

48:16

player or whatever like that. There is actually Oh, I never

48:18

went to those. Okay. but as

48:20

good

48:20

as professional plays. You're

48:23

like, this is shit.

48:25

These costumes aren't

48:28

good. That kid can't

48:30

sing. Why is he the lead?

48:32

Why? I've walked out of the few

48:34

I went to, I walked out of.

48:36

You know what? Tough love.

48:38

Yeah. Yeah. They need to know that this is crap, but it's mildly

48:40

normative compared to the people. Like, that movie

48:42

star doesn't know where it's gonna be next month. Uh-huh.

48:45

It's true. I I used to envy

48:48

when you're it's always

48:50

the the the grass is always greener, but

48:52

when your job is you

48:54

know very well. You're one of the few people I can talk to about this when you're behind desk

48:56

all the time. If anyone has

48:58

a

48:58

job that involves, yeah, I,

49:00

you know, I gotta go to

49:03

Iceland for this meeting. You're

49:05

like, you're going to

49:08

Iceland. You're so you

49:09

know, be because if your job is to sit behind

49:11

a desk and the greatest job in the

49:13

world, all thinking about is other people going places,

49:16

which is why I started to scam those travel

49:18

shows. It was just like it's

49:20

a show Where what

49:22

happens? I go other places.

49:24

I leave the desk

49:26

and go places. You

49:28

went to Greenland. Right? Yeah. went

49:30

up there. We haven't shown it yet, but I went up to the north, and I went to Tule airbase, which

49:33

is the northernmost airbase. Did you go that up

49:35

that highway or anything? I can't remember if we went up that

49:37

high. I'd have to ask somebody because all

49:39

of blur This place is seven hundred miles north of the

49:41

Arctic Circle. It's so far north that

49:44

you can't see the northern lights

49:46

because they're south

49:48

of you. Oh my god. So it's so

49:50

far north. It's I got a

49:52

compass point

49:54

west. Right? And were

49:55

you shooting a a thing? It was shooting a thing. It

49:57

was a USO. We did a USO show right there for the

49:59

airbase up

49:59

there. And it's starkly

50:02

beautiful. I believe you really feel like you're the end

50:04

of the world. I I went I got to go into the room because it's the

50:06

airbase. It's where they track the Russian

50:08

missiles coming over the top -- Right. -- because they're so

50:10

far north coming

50:12

over the That's right. Well, they But

50:14

you mean, it's not like they're constantly flying

50:16

over. No. No. No. No. No. Whose it? When they come

50:18

when they come over the top. That makes me feel better.

50:20

No. Because they're about as far, you know, like, they're

50:22

they're like, Like, from here to Raleigh, North Carolina is how

50:24

far that place is from Russia. Yes. And they've

50:26

got these massive five

50:28

story buildings

50:30

on the outside of which is all basically like open microwave ovens just

50:32

shooting beams over the top of the pole to

50:35

the point where they said don't stand in front of

50:37

that building. I said, what happens?

50:40

And they said your organs would boil within a minute.

50:42

And they literally have things

50:44

thrown out into the gravel in front

50:47

of to say, don't walk inside that because that's basically the cone of

50:49

it. Don't walk inside front of that area. I mean, you

50:51

wouldn't die instantly there, but it wouldn't be good for you.

50:53

And I'm like, it's just a

50:55

piece of wood out there. You just throw, like, a log

50:57

out there and he goes, we can't throw

51:00

metal because it's an open

51:02

microwave oven. It literally is the

51:04

same thing. but you can throw a

51:06

potato and then eat it.

51:08

Yes. You could have it on a string and then

51:10

reinsert it on the corner. I

51:12

got to go to the

51:14

big room. I got

51:14

to go to the room, like, the big boardroom. Oh, you saw it? Yeah. I couldn't bring

51:16

cameras in there, but I didn't even see the big room. What do

51:18

you think it looks like? I'm thinking I'm I'm

51:20

obviously thinking of doctor Strange Love. Nope.

51:23

It looks like a middle school

51:25

computer lab. There's I

51:27

knew it would be, like,

51:29

three p c's. three people

51:31

in their early twenties, basically first jobs out

51:34

of, you know, college, and they're, like, paying off the college.

51:36

Right? You know, they're all just the nerd patrol up at the

51:38

Twiliobase too. Every bit of there

51:40

is tech. And he goes like, that shows where all the satellites are. one

51:42

shows if, you know, anything larger than a

51:44

softball, going Mach two or more,

51:46

we can pick up all the way down to,

51:50

like, Beijing. And then this one is just just cascading numbers it

51:52

was the matrix. And I said, how,

51:54

you know, like, what how long if you saw

51:56

something? What would it what would happen? I

51:59

said, oh, about fifteen minutes before it's overhead. These

52:02

things are going really fast. Yeah. And I said, what

52:04

happens after that? Why is there a wedge behind

52:06

you on the screen. I don't see anything

52:08

behind you. He goes, well, once it's overhead, it's not our problem. It's your

52:10

problem. And I said, so who

52:12

who do you tell? He goes,

52:14

oh, we tell Central Command

52:17

and then they tell other people, you know, continuity of

52:19

government, all that kind of stuff. And I said, what do

52:21

you tell us? What do you tell us? Like, the New York how long before

52:23

he gets to New York? He goes, half an hour before he gets

52:25

to New York. I said, when do you tell us? He

52:27

goes, we don't

52:28

tell you. He goes,

52:31

you'll find out. Well,

52:36

what a great way to

52:38

what a great piece to show on

52:40

your comments. Oh my god. Yeah. There you

52:42

go. Do you like I have found that

52:44

And this is on the same topic, but

52:46

I have found that if you

52:48

go and you do any entertaining at all for

52:50

any group that's in the military serving,

52:54

they aren't as great as this crowd as and people always say you're the best crowd in

52:56

the world, they're the best crowds.

52:58

When they are so They're so grateful

53:00

that you They're so remembered and you

53:03

give a damn. Yeah. They're really fantastic. And

53:05

there had been no

53:07

USO, like like, whatever they call it,

53:09

USO club up there. Right. ever.

53:10

That was there for basically the ribbon cutting the base first opened

53:13

in nineteen fifty one. And it's

53:15

super secret because it's it's

53:16

where they keep all the rooms, where they're

53:19

tracking the missiles, Right? And and III

53:21

was like, this is really super secret

53:24

based, but I'm I can walk anywhere and do

53:26

anything and

53:28

And there doesn't seem to be a lot of security around here and they said, who's

53:30

gonna snake up

53:31

on us? Because there's

53:34

literally literally there's the there's a

53:36

fjord -- Yeah. --

53:38

one one side. Yep. And north of the fjord, the ice sheet goes

53:40

all the way ice cap goes all the way to the

53:42

water. And south of us, it goes all the way to

53:44

the water. and then about

53:46

a, you know, about three or

53:47

four miles away to the east is the Greenland ice

53:49

sheet. That's where it starts. And it's a

53:51

thousand miles wide and it's

53:53

two miles thick. and they go, well, you can't sneak us if you

53:55

can't get us over there. You're not gonna sneak over there. And

53:57

it's sixteen hundred miles south. And

53:59

it's one of the most starkly beautiful

54:02

places I've

54:04

ever been. And what they do there is they have fun.

54:06

And they Yes. Well, they're they they have

54:08

to, and I'm guessing I know how they have

54:10

fun. Yes. So plenty

54:12

of drink. Yeah. There's plenty of drink up

54:14

there. But evidently, the Danes because the

54:16

Danes own Greenland. The yeah.

54:20

Yep. People will woo anything.

54:22

Evidently, however hard they party,

54:24

no one can keep up with the danes.

54:27

that it's almost frightening how hard the day and so the

54:30

civilian contractors party up

54:32

there. I spent some time in Finland.

54:34

Thanks for the

54:36

woo. And they'd have

54:38

a drink there because there's not much to

54:40

do called Corskin COVID. And

54:42

I drank it, and III

54:45

spit it out, and I said, this

54:46

is sometimes you make the

54:48

joke that this is rocket fuel. Mhmm.

54:50

This is rocket fuel, and they were

54:54

laughing what they do is they

54:56

all drink it and then they get naked and they go into a sauna and then they jump

54:58

into ice cold water and have massive

55:02

strokes.

55:02

And that's their way of having fun. Mhmm. And

55:05

it works for them. Yeah. I

55:07

suggest you try it. Yeah.

55:09

Steven, you've been

55:12

a

55:12

gentleman. You've been a prince among

55:13

men. You did a show. What did I

55:15

do today? I wandered around. You got

55:18

ginsed in the face. I

55:20

guess, okay.

55:21

You look

55:26

fantastic. Do

55:26

you know Conan? Yo, Conan. I

55:28

don't know how much they were charging, but

55:31

You could make your own. I

55:34

don't know. There's

55:38

something

55:38

about this, other jazz,

55:40

this. Well,

55:42

isn't that nice? We we

55:45

brought that ship around really

55:47

beautifully. We did. Steven,

55:50

god bless you. My best

55:52

to your lovely wife and family,

55:56

and also Thank you so much. I I do not take it for granted that

55:58

you made the time to be with us tonight

55:59

because you work really hard and you do

56:02

incredible work. and

56:04

I doff my invisible hat to you. So

56:06

thank you, Steven Colbert. Thank you, Conan

56:08

O'Brien. Thank

56:08

you so much. Thank

56:12

you, Matt. Thanks, everybody.

56:15

Yes. And now,

56:18

staley down.

56:19

stealy

56:32

damn.

56:36

Some things in

56:38

life

56:38

leave you guessing. You know? That's the basis

56:40

of a lot of stand up comedy. Okay.

56:42

Why are pieces round? Who

56:45

are these people? Yeah. You know that kind of

56:48

thing? Yeah. Anyway,

56:50

things leave it guessing in life, especially those

56:53

People did doing a really just a terrible

56:55

Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. But, you know, we'll definitely

56:57

be guessing. I'll tell you who?

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59:26

Yeah. It's kinda lovely. Yeah. Okay. That's alright. Well, anyway, he's

59:29

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59:44

was so glad that he got to be here. I

59:46

think we have it's time

59:48

for a

59:48

more intimate part of the show. That's right. It's where

59:50

we get to kinda talk to the people.

59:52

Yeah. We take yeah. We

59:54

take voice mails, which is if

59:56

you don't know what a voice mail is, someone

59:59

will call and

59:59

they'll leave a message.

1:00:02

That's really rude. What? We

1:00:04

do a thing on the podcast where we

1:00:06

listen to voicemails occasionally, and we

1:00:08

hear what people were thinking, wait haven't done it in a while. We

1:00:10

should we should go more often. But we

1:00:12

do a version of it here on these live

1:00:14

shows, but obviously, it's got a twist. So

1:00:16

people get to ask questions or make

1:00:18

comments. I hope their quest more than just come I

1:00:20

think there are all questions. In fact, they're lining up

1:00:22

now. We're gonna have the first person come down to

1:00:24

this spot lit

1:00:26

microphone here. Wow. And we're looking at that microphone.

1:00:28

Yeah. Does that look like a symbol of

1:00:30

democracy that somehow failed Oh,

1:00:34

dear microphone that no one oh,

1:00:36

sorry. Oh, hey. How are you? Oh, is

1:00:38

that

1:00:39

who what what happened? What

1:00:43

what's that? Oh, I thought you were with him and or

1:00:44

were attacking him. I didn't know what was happening.

1:00:46

You're wearing a

1:00:47

very colorful jacket and I got

1:00:49

scared. Hello, sir. What

1:00:51

is your name? Yeah.

1:00:53

Kevin. I am

1:00:56

sparkous. Devin, wherever you

1:00:58

are. I'm really sorry. Yeah. what

1:01:01

is your sir? My name's Mitch. What's that?

1:01:03

Mitch. Mitch. Okay. Yeah. And you

1:01:06

are? I'm

1:01:06

well. I'll take it. Hey,

1:01:10

we opened the show with I've been jizzed

1:01:13

on. So trust me, nothing you

1:01:15

say. I can't hear me now. So

1:01:17

I like the dramatic I love the dramatic pause, the sort of

1:01:20

question. There was a deep inhale. There

1:01:22

was the whole room got quiet, and it's like

1:01:24

the sixth sense. I could see

1:01:26

my breath. There's just an overwhelming amount of denim in front of

1:01:28

me. I just trust me. Trust me. You

1:01:30

can't hurt me. You

1:01:32

do. Go for it, man. Thank you, shot.

1:01:34

Okay. Okay.

1:01:36

Okay. So back in college, I competed in Tempur

1:01:39

Sports. Mhmm. So I was

1:01:41

a lumberjack. So Conan, do you think

1:01:43

he'd make a good lumberjack

1:01:46

And if so, what would you wear when lumber jacking off?

1:01:48

Okay. Well, was this written

1:01:50

before? This you came here?

1:01:54

I'm dressed like a fucking lumberjack.

1:01:56

Did you write this beforehand?

1:01:58

Yes. Okay.

1:01:59

That's

1:01:59

weird. Yeah. because I don't know

1:02:02

what to say other than I'd lose the

1:02:04

tie. And I've

1:02:06

got the boots. I

1:02:08

mean, I think I'm ready to go. Those

1:02:11

aren't boots. for lumber jacking off? Of course

1:02:13

they are. They're all lumber jacks

1:02:15

like boots that were

1:02:17

made in Italy. It's

1:02:21

the first thing you learn when you're a lumberjack. Only

1:02:23

Bruno Cucinelli, anyway.

1:02:29

You're learning a lot about me today. I got

1:02:31

some creams put on my face

1:02:33

by a stranger

1:02:34

on Fifth Avenue when

1:02:37

I'm wearing Bruno Cucinelli. I

1:02:39

think I think

1:02:42

you're looking at it.

1:02:44

Do I think I'd be a good lumberjack? I

1:02:46

would say no. because

1:02:50

I always joke

1:02:50

around and do bits. I am a

1:02:53

hard worker, but when it comes to

1:02:56

manual labor, I try and find the bit or the joke. I think the other

1:02:58

lumberjacks would hate me

1:03:00

because I wouldn't be

1:03:00

doing the work. I'd be doing bits

1:03:03

about doing the work. And

1:03:05

I'd be turning the ax into a character. His name is

1:03:07

Axi Axerton and Ivy.

1:03:10

You know, and I'd be like, Axi, come on.

1:03:12

Yeah. Maybe I'm the

1:03:14

one another. and they'd be standing there and eventually I'd be butchered to death

1:03:16

by the other lumberjacks. I think that would be a

1:03:18

terrible lumberjacks. Absolutely awful.

1:03:20

Don't you will be awful don't you agree you

1:03:22

agree? A hundred

1:03:22

percent. Thank you. What are you keeping that

1:03:24

pouch that you wear on your chest? I just

1:03:26

I I didn't I I'm just curious. Is

1:03:29

that something you wear every day? to

1:03:31

my

1:03:31

emergency lumberjack tools. Oh, oh,

1:03:33

very nice. Good

1:03:35

improv.

1:03:37

That wasn't

1:03:38

a put down or was

1:03:40

it? He's a master of passive aggression.

1:03:42

Okay. So just make sure he

1:03:44

doesn't put the microphone in that and then

1:03:48

walk away. That's a for

1:03:50

share microphone. Yeah. Mitch, leave the

1:03:52

microphone, please. And actually step away from the

1:03:54

microphone. Yeah. Well, Mitch, I hope

1:03:56

I answered question, I'd be a terrible lumberjack,

1:03:58

but I'd dress like this without the tie. You

1:03:59

know? Yeah. I

1:04:01

agree. I think

1:04:02

i agree i think What's

1:04:04

happening

1:04:05

now? Alright. You're gonna make a speech

1:04:07

of some kind. Well, I just

1:04:09

think the Electric College

1:04:11

doesn't represent fairly

1:04:14

a popular boat. What?

1:04:16

Which Mitch talking about?

1:04:19

It feels that in seventeen eighty

1:04:21

five, it was a good idea.

1:04:24

But

1:04:24

now I feel like crucial sectors of the economy. Hold

1:04:27

it. Hold it. I know

1:04:29

where

1:04:29

you were going. So I'm

1:04:32

done. Okay. Well, it's nice to meet

1:04:34

you. Mitch, good to see you, sir. And let's

1:04:36

move on now. Thank you, Mitch. The

1:04:38

next guy You're

1:04:39

not the guy that

1:04:41

ran up and got in line

1:04:43

behind Mitch. I'm not. What happened to that

1:04:45

guy? Yeah. What have you done with him?

1:04:47

did you do something to him or did something That's

1:04:49

very odd. Something I can tell you yet. Okay.

1:04:52

Red hair red jacketed guy ran up and

1:04:54

got behind Mitch. And then I'm

1:04:56

busy. I'm in the zone with

1:04:58

Mitch. Oh, was that you in the zone? That

1:05:00

was me in the zone. And then

1:05:02

this guy who plays guitar

1:05:04

for fish, gets out.

1:05:07

And you're fantastic. I

1:05:09

love that noodling and all

1:05:11

those scales for hours on end. That's

1:05:14

fantastic shit. But

1:05:16

red red jacket guy is

1:05:19

just gone. Yeah. There is. It's ominous and weird, but we

1:05:21

won't I they'll tell me later on.

1:05:23

You don't wanna know. Sir, what is your

1:05:25

name? My name is Ben. Ben. Nice to

1:05:27

see you. How are you? Good. Great to be

1:05:29

here. Thank you for being a red head

1:05:31

model. Appreciate that. Now let me ask you

1:05:33

something. Am I a good I'm

1:05:36

being honest, you can tell

1:05:38

me, I wanna be

1:05:40

a good

1:05:41

representative for Red Hair People, but I don't

1:05:43

know that I am. I'd

1:05:45

say you're doing fantastic. It's much better

1:05:47

than like a chucky character or

1:05:49

like chucky from the rugrats or the

1:05:51

murderous ones or always the

1:05:54

geeky characters. Like, I'm like Oh,

1:05:56

yeah. I'm like, I see. Yeah. Wait a minute. Sure.

1:05:57

is so low. I love it. I keep it. You're

1:05:59

mind

1:05:59

This is coming from another redhead and

1:06:02

mostly down

1:06:04

Look. It's a good look.

1:06:06

Look. His denim is a lighter

1:06:08

denim denim that would not match my

1:06:10

denim -- Right. -- which might get me

1:06:12

off the hook. So I'm saying, like, what you got going on.

1:06:15

You think it's okay? Yeah. I think, actually, if you're gonna

1:06:17

go denim, you might as well match because then

1:06:19

it really looks sort of

1:06:21

off you know. Well, I don't know I don't know that

1:06:23

his completely matches, so now you've put him down.

1:06:25

Oh. Well, are you wearing denim on the bottom?

1:06:27

I'm not.

1:06:28

They're scrubs. Wait.

1:06:29

What? Are you in the medical profession?

1:06:32

I just came from

1:06:33

work. Yes. What? Thank you.

1:06:36

Thank you. I see

1:06:38

very much. You

1:06:39

actually fucking know stuff. Nobody

1:06:40

knows stuff anymore. Did you

1:06:42

go to like a medical school or

1:06:45

I got a doctor with an audiology.

1:06:48

What? So Oh.

1:06:52

So, yes. Wait a minute.

1:06:54

I haven't put the

1:06:54

salute all the way,

1:06:56

but down yet. So what do

1:06:58

you do in these scrubs? Do you save lives?

1:07:00

I

1:07:01

evaluate and rehabilitate hearing disorders. That's right. Yes.

1:07:03

Okay. We're cool.

1:07:05

That's cool. That's

1:07:07

cool. That's cool.

1:07:09

I am I'm

1:07:11

fine with that. He's helping

1:07:13

people. Yes.

1:07:14

You studied and you're helping people and

1:07:16

you know things. I

1:07:17

think that's fantastic. So I will

1:07:18

I will not take back my salute. Now I

1:07:20

just want to make sure that he wasn't, you know,

1:07:22

an accountant at the hospital. In

1:07:26

Scruggs. But to comedy They wear scrubs too. I think

1:07:28

I had this idea recently. I'm

1:07:30

in comedy. We don't get to have a uniform in

1:07:32

comedy, and I thought recently there should

1:07:35

be a color of grubs that

1:07:37

people in comedy get to wear. No. Hold it.

1:07:39

They say it's the best

1:07:41

medicine. And so I

1:07:44

know

1:07:44

where you're going with it. No. I was thinking if we could

1:07:46

come up with it with the thing, that will

1:07:48

be

1:07:48

on the street, and it's like,

1:07:51

I'm wearing my scrubs, and I see John Melania,

1:07:53

and he's wearing his scrubs,

1:07:54

and I see cold air, and we're like,

1:07:56

yeah. This is cool. You're all in

1:07:58

denim scrubs. No. That'd

1:07:59

be denim. But I think it

1:08:02

would be cool. Why do people in the medical community get

1:08:03

to have the cool scrubs? What did

1:08:05

you guys do?

1:08:08

Oh, right.

1:08:09

You saved lives.

1:08:12

Ben, what can I do for

1:08:14

you? So coming full circle, half of my job

1:08:16

is planning

1:08:18

to people what they haven't heard in about twenty years. And

1:08:21

so part of it is having people

1:08:23

tell me what they've heard and

1:08:25

what they've loved and forgot they love to

1:08:27

hear. such as, like, patients being, like, I didn't hear the rain over, like,

1:08:29

on the rooftop in years. I heard crickets

1:08:31

for the first time in

1:08:34

my campsite. So I was wondering, what are some of your favorite

1:08:36

sounds and things that you just would not

1:08:38

love to give up to hear? Alright?

1:08:41

Well, that's a great question. Applause.

1:08:43

I that is a great

1:08:45

question. It's very rare that a

1:08:47

question gets applause. Yeah.

1:08:51

This answer better be pretty good. No. I was saying

1:08:53

I was saying you had missed the sound

1:08:55

of applause. Oh, yeah. No. No.

1:08:57

I mean crickets. You brought

1:08:59

up

1:09:00

crickets. Yeah. Man, sign of crickets during

1:09:02

my monologue.

1:09:02

That's one of my favorite sounds.

1:09:07

you're bringing up something that I think a lot about recently, which is I

1:09:09

do worry about hearing loss. I

1:09:11

lived in a I

1:09:14

basically lived in a very small box in Studio

1:09:17

six a, and I did

1:09:19

sixteen years with

1:09:21

Jimmy and the guys playing

1:09:23

so loud, sound, just bouncing around,

1:09:25

and my producers would come up

1:09:27

and yell things in my ear because

1:09:29

during the commercial break, the bands playing. You guys had the whole

1:09:31

horn section and they would come up and

1:09:34

they would scream in my ear. They

1:09:36

would and and literally

1:09:37

every night, three times a night, they would

1:09:39

scream in my ear Steven doesn't

1:09:41

wanna tell the story about the toad. The

1:09:43

toad's out. Like, some little piece of information that I

1:09:45

needed to know before

1:09:48

the interview. my favorite

1:09:50

is one of our producers, Frank Smiley, came up to me once and we were having someone on. I think it was like

1:09:53

the lead singer

1:09:56

from REM. and he

1:09:58

just

1:09:58

ran it at the last second ran up and he yelled into my ear.

1:09:59

makes pops.

1:10:03

it

1:10:05

As a result, my wife and children spend

1:10:07

most of their time repeating to me

1:10:09

what they've said.

1:10:11

So I might not

1:10:14

be hearing things. How do I out? You could an audiologist and they test your hearing. I don't wanna

1:10:16

do that. Yeah.

1:10:19

I get it. don't

1:10:22

know. You know what I mean? That just seems like a waste of

1:10:24

money. It's just like twenty

1:10:26

minutes. Who's got twenty minutes? I

1:10:29

got gins to find. Now he's talking this guy.

1:10:32

You get used to it. Yeah. Welcome

1:10:34

to the gins to it. Wait. So

1:10:36

what What

1:10:39

sounds you know, it's it is funny that

1:10:41

I do I love being in front of

1:10:43

audiences, so I do love

1:10:45

those

1:10:46

sounds. I really do love I

1:10:48

There's a sound that I love, which is

1:10:50

a coffee maker that isn't that expensive, that's making

1:10:53

the coffee. I'm not talking about

1:10:55

one of these kind crazy

1:10:57

high end coffee makers that some people get. I

1:10:59

mean, like mine's just It's regular, you know, okay, it'll cost

1:11:01

a hundred and forty dollars or whatever.

1:11:04

Coffee maker and

1:11:07

it makes this little, gurgly, weird

1:11:08

Yeah. Sounds And it's a little sound

1:11:11

it's also it's it sounds

1:11:13

human. It doesn't sound like a machine. It's

1:11:15

making the coffee. And then it's just like, you're go. Gergbo. You can

1:11:17

almost hear the machine going.

1:11:19

I'm just doing what

1:11:21

I can. I'm doing as I can.

1:11:23

And there are little sounds like that that find very very

1:11:27

satisfying that sometimes

1:11:29

I think I'm missing out

1:11:31

on. And I also like the sound of corduroy

1:11:33

rubbing up against each other, you know. Has

1:11:36

Just corduroy. I

1:11:38

wish it's my legs a little heavier and I wore corduroy, they would chase

1:11:40

and I could hear that and I could

1:11:42

make coffee. And then so there

1:11:45

there are lots of

1:11:47

sounds But I am curious now about my hearing. What would they do

1:11:49

if you if you found

1:11:50

out? How much hearing loss do you have

1:11:53

to have before you need hearing it? It just

1:11:55

depends what frequencies. The most common is a high frequency

1:11:57

hearing loss. Mhmm. And that's where people aren't hearing,

1:11:59

like, pictures like

1:12:02

s's, f's, t h's. And that's where, like, they don't hear ventilation systems

1:12:04

or even their clothes rubbing together. So it's like Who

1:12:06

wants to hear a vent no. Who says

1:12:10

Well, I Nobody does. Intelligent system. I

1:12:13

haven't heard that in

1:12:15

the thirty

1:12:16

years. But they're kind of

1:12:18

the same frequencies as the eight

1:12:20

years. if you wanna say, you're here.

1:12:22

How are you? You know? Who cares? Fuck you. You know? Let me How

1:12:24

are your business?

1:12:27

How I am? What I'd

1:12:29

like to do, Ben, if it's okay, is

1:12:31

I'd like to book an appointment with you right now. I

1:12:34

think that's fantastic. Where are you located? I'm in Bay Ridge,

1:12:36

Brooklyn. Okay.

1:12:38

That's not happening. Yeah. No. Is that what your office is? It is. Yes. Alright.

1:12:40

We'll have to go

1:12:43

to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. Are

1:12:45

you really is this really what you do

1:12:47

a me? I It'd be great if it was it's

1:12:50

a very boring It's a terrible murder

1:12:52

plan. Right?

1:12:55

I told you, the one that said,

1:12:57

come out to Bay Ridge. We

1:12:59

have audio of you, and

1:13:01

then Conan disappeared in Bay Ridge.

1:13:03

just his ears afterwards. Oh, god. What does

1:13:06

he do with your ear?

1:13:09

He's the murderer

1:13:12

and free. Alright. Well, Ben, I will book

1:13:14

that appointment, but I think I answered your question. I hope I did. Thank you very much. Wonderful. Thank

1:13:17

you and

1:13:19

I salute you.

1:13:21

Ben started to leave and

1:13:23

then someone darted out of the aisle

1:13:25

and chased after Ben. Something horrible is

1:13:27

happening is going on. we

1:13:29

had one guy disappear, another person's been run down, like a wild

1:13:32

animal. You

1:13:35

should probably just Yes.

1:13:37

Just stay careful. I should get out of here. Yeah. Yeah. What is

1:13:39

your name? I'm Alison. Hi, Alison. How are you? I'm doing well.

1:13:41

Thanks so much for coming to the

1:13:43

city. Are you kidding? I'm

1:13:45

this is a absolute

1:13:48

joy. It's

1:13:48

a joy for us.

1:13:49

Well, thank you. That's right. Thank

1:13:52

you. No, really, yes.

1:13:54

This is the magic It's just a magical thing. I really doing

1:13:56

this. I I love hanging with these

1:13:58

guys. I love I I

1:13:59

love making these

1:14:02

podcasts and this is I

1:14:05

anytime I'm in the street and someone yells catacai or anything, we

1:14:07

end up having a I've had so many great conversations with people

1:14:09

out in the world and

1:14:11

it's just it's it's

1:14:13

lovely is the word, is what it is. So thank you. Thanks for digging it.

1:14:15

Well, I guess mine is also kind of New York City

1:14:17

related. I worked across the park

1:14:19

at the Met, And

1:14:22

I was wondering if there were a

1:14:25

museum of Conan and the chill

1:14:27

chums, what objects would be on

1:14:29

your highlight store? Well,

1:14:30

okay. Tins cream.

1:14:33

Okay. Sona, you you

1:14:36

gotta let it

1:14:38

go. Sorry. I'm thinking a haul of Jizz cream. So it's

1:14:40

not just okay. Alright. I'm not gonna try and

1:14:43

straighten this thing out. Alright. No.

1:14:45

It's not. No.

1:14:48

I'm not. when we started

1:14:49

doing the shows on TVS, they put together an remember

1:14:51

this, Sonya, they put together an art Coco Mocha.

1:14:53

Yeah. They

1:14:54

put together of

1:14:55

of all fan

1:14:58

art and it blew my mind because I I can't lay

1:15:00

claim to a lot, but I

1:15:02

will say I have the most

1:15:06

creative talented fans in the world.

1:15:08

They are the the I

1:15:11

mean, paintings, drawings, sculptures,

1:15:13

stuff made of, like, a statue of me

1:15:15

made of Legos, all kinds of just interpretations of what

1:15:17

I look like in my hair. And first

1:15:19

of all, for an ego maniac like

1:15:22

me, it was a joy to walk

1:15:24

through. but it was and

1:15:26

very enabling. But it was also what I liked about it

1:15:28

was everybody was

1:15:31

being so creative. So you

1:15:33

know, it's not a funny answer, but

1:15:35

I if there was like a museum, I would want most of it to be fan stuff

1:15:38

because it's

1:15:40

so that

1:15:42

makes me happy, is when

1:15:44

other people are being creative and when other

1:15:46

people are, you know, if I

1:15:48

can join in and we can

1:15:50

together, make something, that gives me a

1:15:52

lot of pleasure. So I would I would think that

1:15:54

would be a a huge part of it.

1:15:58

Are you? made by

1:15:59

fans. Okay. Per my instructions. But all

1:16:02

all

1:16:02

of you -- Did I waive

1:16:04

it? -- where my torso is

1:16:06

depicted a certain way. That sounds like like a Greek,

1:16:09

like, dictatorship. Yes. Yes. Uh-huh. The

1:16:11

same thing that Caesar demanded

1:16:13

-- Yeah. -- of people

1:16:15

that made statues in in Rome. Yes. Troubling. Due to

1:16:17

those issues. Would there be anything of the two of us? Oh, god. No.

1:16:19

No. They'd be

1:16:22

you know what? They'd be like, yeah. They'd be in a little wing somewhere. No.

1:16:25

I think it'd be fun. I

1:16:27

think it'd be it'd be great.

1:16:29

When do you think? Do you

1:16:31

guys

1:16:31

want anything special? Yeah.

1:16:32

What? What? I think we need to

1:16:34

get Ben back here and check here.

1:16:36

Like, what? And

1:16:39

then I want a

1:16:42

massive statue of me nude on a

1:16:44

horse. So the back line.

1:16:46

Yeah. Just nude and I

1:16:48

want everything to be exaggerated. I

1:16:51

think we'd better take

1:16:53

another question, a palate

1:16:56

cleanser. Okay. We'll do a palate Nice

1:16:58

to nice to talk to you. Do one

1:17:00

more palate. answer

1:17:00

your question.

1:17:02

Dude on a horse. Yeah.

1:17:04

My name is

1:17:07

not

1:17:07

Devin, actually. My

1:17:10

name is Kendall. Hello.

1:17:11

Oh, hey, Kendall. How are you? I just soaked the

1:17:13

mic up just a little bit so it needs to

1:17:15

be done. That's Kendall. Good? Hey, Kendall. How are you? Hey. How

1:17:17

are you? Cool. I like your jacket. It's got a it's

1:17:19

kind of a cool fall color. Conan,

1:17:20

it's actually

1:17:22

corduroy. So whoa. Rapping against

1:17:25

each other.

1:17:27

Sorry to go there. Let

1:17:29

me eliminate jack jack.

1:17:30

I haven't I have a legit question.

1:17:32

Is there anybody read stuff off

1:17:34

their phones now? Is it? What happened? just nervous. know I mean? nervous.

1:17:36

It's just us, but you can. Go ahead. Whatever

1:17:38

you wanna do. on my side. You said last one.

1:17:40

I was like,

1:17:42

oh,

1:17:43

no. Oh, you got this, Kendall. Yeah. You got this. worry about, like, any

1:17:45

doubt. Just rub the quarter right

1:17:47

into the mic. Okay. Perfect. that

1:17:49

quarter right together. Okay. Now take

1:17:52

it into I

1:17:54

gotta figure right now. You're up that corner. No. No. No. So right

1:17:56

now. Randall,

1:17:57

we're sorry. We're sorry,

1:17:59

Randall. I

1:17:59

went to to

1:18:03

be here. Yeah. I'm here with my dad. It's his birthday, so we're really

1:18:05

happy. Oh, it's real. Yeah. Dad.

1:18:07

What a nice

1:18:10

dad? Yeah. He's awesome. Man, we'll see.

1:18:12

So as I'm sure, you

1:18:14

know Conan, a lot of

1:18:16

popular dance trends have emerged

1:18:18

because of TikTok. So my question for you is if

1:18:20

you had to add any song to

1:18:22

your world famous string dance, what song

1:18:26

would you choose? to make

1:18:27

it blow up on the app and could we get a demonstration how to

1:18:29

do it? Oh. Well, I brought

1:18:31

this up before.

1:18:36

But I don't

1:18:36

know what what syncopates and what goes best with the

1:18:39

Stream Dance. But oh, can we

1:18:42

get a little live music Well, we always did it. Back in the

1:18:44

day, we did

1:18:47

it. Let's see.

1:19:02

But

1:19:03

we need a song that

1:19:05

goes with it. We

1:19:07

got on top of

1:19:09

the song. Right. But I mean,

1:19:11

that'll do for now. I mean Right. Don't

1:19:13

you think? No. That was awesome. Yeah. I think

1:19:15

I could blow

1:19:17

up. No. I'm so sorry. That

1:19:19

was so just No. That's

1:19:20

okay. That's a great question. I think that's good.

1:19:23

I don't think I'm gonna blow up on TikTok.

1:19:25

I'm a hundred and eleven years old. And

1:19:27

but the important thing is that I can

1:19:29

still do that string dance. I don't know

1:19:31

what that came from either. You don't

1:19:34

That was me just in a monologue one

1:19:36

night started to do it, and then I

1:19:38

started pretending there was a string and cutting it and rubbing a nipple. And then I swear

1:19:40

to God, six weeks later, I'm watching

1:19:42

an NFL game. A guy's touched scores

1:19:46

a touchdown, drops the ball and does

1:19:48

it. And they were like, I said,

1:19:50

what the hell is he doing? And

1:19:53

he had clearly seen me do

1:19:56

it on the show, and I

1:19:58

knew I was a god.

1:19:59

Wow. God. Well, Europe.

1:20:02

Thank you so much. Nice to meet you. Yeah. Like I said,

1:20:03

right? Yeah. Hey,

1:20:08

guys. I'm gonna

1:20:09

wrap this thing up over there,

1:20:11

but let's say, good night first too. Mike,

1:20:13

these guys really make this podcast come.

1:20:15

So to obsessedian,

1:20:17

Not Farley. This thing

1:20:18

would not work without

1:20:19

them.

1:20:23

They're the

1:20:24

best.

1:20:31

Did you know this

1:20:31

one? Volocin, cheerio,

1:20:34

back to school,

1:20:37

ring the bell,

1:20:39

brand new shoes, walk and climb the fence, books

1:20:41

and pens. I can tell

1:20:43

that

1:20:43

we are gonna

1:20:46

be

1:20:47

friends. I can tell

1:20:50

that we are gonna

1:20:52

be friends. Walk with me, Susie

1:20:54

Lee, through the park, batteries. We

1:20:56

were

1:20:59

I'm around. Look at all the Luvs we

1:21:02

found. Safeway walked to school without

1:21:04

i love

1:21:08

a doubt.

1:21:09

save you all to

1:21:11

school. That sound sound. Here we are. No

1:21:13

one

1:21:13

else we

1:21:15

want to school. by

1:21:19

ourselves, master, donna, unifold,

1:21:21

facing all the

1:21:22

answer. We fire them

1:21:24

and now it's

1:21:28

time. Beep.

1:21:29

Beep. And now

1:21:31

it's time

1:21:34

And set in time.

1:21:37

We don't

1:21:40

notice

1:21:40

anything.

1:21:44

Please sit side

1:21:46

by side, nevermind.

1:21:49

Teach your makes that sound funny,

1:21:52

but she likes the way you're saying

1:21:54

to that out of sleep. But on

1:21:56

his bed, silly thoughts

1:21:58

go through my head. about the boats and outlets.

1:22:00

When I wake tomorrow, I

1:22:02

left you and I and

1:22:06

we'll walk together again.

1:22:07

I can tell that

1:22:09

we are gonna be

1:22:12

friends. Yes.

1:22:13

I can tell

1:22:14

that we are gonna be

1:22:17

Hey, you guys were

1:22:20

amazing. Seriously. Thank

1:22:22

you for making this

1:22:24

weird of

1:22:27

my career so much fun. God bless you. Thank

1:22:30

you everybody. Good night.

1:22:45

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with

1:22:47

Conan O'Brien, Sona Mocesson and

1:22:49

Matt Gorley produced by

1:22:51

me, Matt Gorley, Executive

1:22:54

produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Solataroff, and Jeff Ross at team Coco, and Colin Anderson and

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Cody Fisher at Year Wharf,

1:22:58

theme song by The White stripes.

1:23:03

Incidental Music by Jimmy Vivino. Take

1:23:05

it

1:23:06

away, Jimmy. supervising

1:23:08

producer is Aaron Blair and

1:23:11

our associate producer Jennifer Engineering by Eduardo Perez,

1:23:13

additional production support by Mars

1:23:16

Malek, Talent booking

1:23:18

by Paula Davis, Gina

1:23:20

Batista, and Britt Khan. You can

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Call the team Coco hotline at

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1:23:32

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