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product but they also have a good

1:00

social mission. They're helping people. Yeah,

1:02

it's nice. I like their sock. Yeah, and

1:04

you like, well I hope you like their socks, plural. I like both.

1:06

I like the two that I put on. So you like the right

1:08

and the left. Yes, I do. I like two

1:10

socks. What a brave stance from you, Sona. Ready

1:13

to get comfy and give back? Head over

1:15

to bombas.com/Conan and use code CONAN for 25%

1:17

off your first purchase. Hi,

1:27

my name is Zach Woods. And

1:32

I feel pick me about

1:34

being Conan O'Brien's friend. What?

1:37

Pick me girl is someone who is

1:39

like sort of self-consciously quirky as a

1:41

way of differentiating themselves from the masses

1:43

so that people are like, ooh, she's

1:45

interesting. In this scenario, you're the pick

1:47

me girl. Yeah, I'm the pick me

1:49

girl. I'm going to just feign a

1:51

kind of casual nonchalance while underneath. I'm

1:53

desperate for your approval and the approval

1:55

of everybody here. Hey

2:02

there, welcome to Conan

2:04

O'Brien Needs a Friend.

2:21

I am the aforementioned Conan O'Brien, mysterious

2:23

man from the past, possibly the future,

2:25

joined by Matt Gorley. You're from the

2:28

future? I could be. We

2:30

just don't know. I've got a beef with the future. No,

2:34

in the future everything's great. We solve all those problems

2:36

people are worried about. So they banished you from the

2:38

future? I was the

2:40

last exist. They fixed global warming. All

2:43

wars have stopped. There's

2:45

no income inequality. And then they

2:47

looked around and said, what else? And I was standing

2:49

there. And I went and I said, yeah,

2:51

what else? The

2:54

next thing I knew, I was being tossed into

2:57

a time machine. So here I am anyway. And

2:59

Sona's not with us today. She's a little under

3:01

the weather, but we are joined by her replacement

3:03

and who can really replace Sona. So you've already

3:05

failed. David Hoppin. Hi. How

3:08

are you? Good to see you. You're

3:11

only in the past and the future. I've never

3:13

been truly present. Yeah. It really

3:15

hurt me as an actor. We

3:18

should mention that Sona will be on the interview in

3:20

the final segment. She's just not here for this intro

3:22

today. Oh, yeah. She'll be better in a

3:24

minute. Yeah. She'll be better. A

3:26

couple of minutes. She's just in the restroom. She's

3:28

being treated in the future where all

3:30

diseases have been cured and then she's being

3:33

rocketed back to us. She'll

3:35

be glowing and wearing an acrylic suit.

3:38

I want to mention something very quickly. It was announced over

3:40

the weekend. I'm very excited about this, that my

3:43

new travel series, a series of

3:45

specials, is going to be dropping

3:47

on Max. Or you can call

3:49

it HBO Max. Can you now? I

3:52

think it's just Max Daddio. Oh, is it? You can't say HBO

3:54

Max anymore? I think it's Max. Well, I

3:56

just want to educate you. In case there's some old fogey out

3:58

there like me. Who's listening

4:00

going, what is this, Max? I'm

4:05

going to be, yeah, it's coming out and it's

4:07

been announced over the weekend that it's going to

4:09

be dropping. That's what the kids say, dropping on-

4:12

They still say HBO, but they say

4:14

drop. No, Max is dropping. HBO coming soon

4:17

to a theater near you with

4:19

clock table. Conan O'Brien Musco is the

4:21

name of the series. I

4:24

like it. I'm proud of it. And it's dropping on April

4:27

18th. This is very exciting. I've

4:29

seen the intro to the first episode.

4:31

I don't think I can

4:33

oversell it by saying you

4:36

just did. No, I don't think it

4:38

can be done. It's tremendous. Oh, I'm

4:40

glad you like it. And of course,

4:43

you're in it as well. That's what I'm

4:45

saying. It's tremendous. But no, I

4:47

think you've seen- I've seen all of them.

4:49

I think it's the best thing you've ever

4:51

done. Oh, that's really nice of you. I'm

4:53

very happy with it. If you like me,

4:56

I think you'll like these shows on

4:58

Max. If you don't like me,

5:01

don't watch them. Because

5:03

I can't help you. So much, Conan. I love

5:05

anyone who's listening to this podcast who really

5:08

hates Conan O'Brien. It's

5:10

just a version therapy they're doing. But anyway,

5:12

so that's my quick message. We'll be talking

5:14

about it much more as we get closer

5:16

to April 18th. Conan O'Brien Musco on Max.

5:19

How are you, Matt? I'm good. Yeah.

5:21

Yeah. I'm sleep deprived. I'm not going

5:23

to lie. I'm not good. I'm not

5:25

good. Have you tried tons of caffeine

5:28

in the morning? For me? What's a lot of

5:30

caffeine for you? Maybe three cups would be too

5:32

much caffeine. I often have one or two cups

5:34

a day. What's the symptom that you

5:36

show if you have too much caffeine?

5:38

Do you get heart palpitations? Are you

5:40

nervous? I feel like I turned into

5:42

an 80s cocaine stockbroker who's just kind

5:45

of loose and tight, jittery guy. You've

5:47

got suspenders on. Yeah. With a blue

5:49

shirt, white collar. Basically everything from Wall

5:51

Street. Yes, exactly. Are

5:53

you a fan of the movie Wall Street? Have you

5:55

watched it online? Yeah. I think so, yeah. talked

6:00

about the moment. I didn't know I had

6:02

it to come down on either side of

6:04

that. Honestly, I wasn't prepared. One of my

6:06

favorite line readings ever is Charlie Sheen is

6:09

in the elevator with his dad, Martin Sheen.

6:11

And I, I was prepped by saying, I

6:13

like the movie. I really love Martin Sheen,

6:16

but he does this very interesting line

6:18

reading where he's

6:20

arguing with his son who he thinks has lost his

6:22

head, you know, chasing these big

6:25

bucks. And he says, I've never

6:28

measured a man's success by

6:30

the size of his wallet. That's the line is written

6:32

in the script. But he says, I've never measured a

6:34

man's success by the size of his. And

6:40

it's fantastic. And

6:42

I'm always imagining that he's holding a,

6:44

you can't see because it's a chest

6:47

up shot, that he's holding a bowling

6:49

ball. Charlie, that Martin Sheen's

6:51

holding a bowling ball and it slips out

6:53

and lands on his toe. And he didn't

6:55

intend that. But it lands on his toe

6:57

as, as he's about to just say, wow,

6:59

he doesn't intend to never measure the man's

7:01

success by the side of his slip. Cut,

7:05

cut, let's try it again. No, we're using

7:07

it. Anyway, we got

7:09

to get into it. We have a wonderful

7:12

show today. Love this fellow. Just love this

7:14

fellow. My guest today. I really do. I

7:16

just love it. He's a wonderful guy. And

7:18

he's brilliantly funny. And he's a magical man,

7:20

in my opinion. He's a hilarious actor who

7:22

starred on the HBO series Silicon Valley. Now

7:24

he has a new comedy series which he

7:26

co created and stars in called In the

7:28

Know. It's very funny. It's available on peacock.

7:41

You and I, we got to talk about this right

7:43

away. Yeah. First of all, I'm thoroughly

7:45

enjoy you so much that I was waiting

7:47

for you to show up downstairs, which I

7:49

never do with guests, but I was like

7:51

a happy puppy waiting for Zach Woods to

7:53

show up. You're hilarious. Very funny fellow. And

7:55

I always love hanging out with you and

7:57

riffing with you. So I was there to.

8:00

Guide your car into the parking spot.

8:02

Yes, and I will say that you described

8:04

yourself as a happy puppy. The first image

8:06

of your face I saw was peaking kind

8:08

of with a kind of predatory glance

8:12

from behind the stucco. And

8:14

then I pulled up and you immediately told me you

8:17

had to cancel because today was not a good day

8:19

and there would never be a good day. Yes, I

8:21

did. Now, listen,

8:23

you have to understand that's my way of showing someone

8:25

I love them. Believe me. You should

8:27

have heard my proposal to Liza. What's

8:31

the opposite of a pygmy girl? And

8:37

I reject you, man. Yeah. Did

8:39

you have a big proposal? I don't know if you're willing

8:41

to talk about this even, but like when you proposed, did

8:43

you have like a proposal proposal or were you just

8:45

like want to get hitched? I was sort of, I had

8:48

a ring in my pocket. Yeah. Or is

8:50

that a ring in your pocket? You know that kind of thing? What?

8:53

Or do you just have a terrible phallic injury? Yeah.

8:56

Is that a ring in your pocket or do you

8:58

have a small circular metallic penis with

9:00

a little nodule that resembles a jewel? That

9:03

was my proposal. Can it be both? And

9:10

will you marry me? Then

9:12

the rest of your life is a small, empty

9:14

chode. But

9:18

with a little diamond nub on it. Which,

9:22

I'm serious. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm

9:24

proud of my little ring

9:26

penis. No,

9:29

I did have a, I had a day I was gonna

9:31

do it and I had the ring on me. I didn't

9:33

have an elaborate, you know, some people do things like they

9:36

tie it to the dog's collar and they call the

9:38

dog in the room or they bake it into a

9:40

souffle. One of my siblings had

9:43

an incredibly elaborate one that involved meeting up

9:45

with her, his fiancee,

9:47

who's lovely as now my

9:49

sister-in-law. Unlike the top of a, you

9:52

know, temple, an Inc. Aztec temple, when he

9:54

wasn't even supposed to be in country and

9:56

being there at the same time. But I

9:58

think he got the wrong. Temple. Oh

10:02

no! But he eventually found her

10:04

and they figured it out. But

10:06

anyway, I didn't want

10:10

it to be too elaborate, so I didn't do

10:12

one of those. That makes sense. And I think

10:14

maybe this was a mistake, but I handed her

10:16

the ring and I said, you win. Oh no!

10:18

Well, I

10:21

just, you know, like, you know, big star,

10:24

top of every woman's list of if only I

10:26

could. So that was probably the wrong way to

10:28

go. Can I tell you something? And you probably

10:30

won't like this. Because

10:33

I know you're self-effacingly saying top of every woman's

10:35

list. I don't think I've ever had a girlfriend

10:37

who didn't confess to having had a crush on

10:40

you. Oh no. Why don't these things never seep

10:42

back to me? I think, you

10:44

know, you see what you

10:46

look for. And my guess is that

10:48

the sexual energy that's flooding in your

10:50

direction is being blocked out by some

10:53

sort of colorblindness, but for... And

10:55

thick sweaters. Yeah. I always

10:57

buy sweaters that absorb and

10:59

repel any kind of

11:02

sexuality coming my way. Well, you

11:04

know, it's funny, we should talk about this because you

11:06

and I, we have some

11:08

similarities. We are both tall and

11:10

I think men. We're gangly in our youth.

11:12

Would you say that? You were still quite,

11:15

quite gangly. Yeah. I put on a few,

11:17

but you're... No, I've gained weight, but it

11:19

doesn't, the gangliness is just a, yeah, it's

11:21

just buried gangliness, but it's still gangly. I

11:24

mean, someone, Bobby Moynihan, the actor once

11:26

described somebody's body as looking like a

11:28

lowercase B where it's like

11:30

all thin and gangly up top, but

11:32

then a little punch. And I do

11:35

feel like a lowercase B body. But

11:37

yeah, I'm gangly. I feel like I

11:39

don't remember, I was thinking about, I

11:42

can't remember who said this, but someone

11:44

described someone as being like a daddy

11:46

long legs, where there's just this little

11:48

disc of cerebral energy and then legs.

11:52

Yes, that's me. That's how I feel too.

11:55

I've always said I have legs

11:57

that just go on forever. And

11:59

then some... Someone said as I was

12:01

leaving the shop, oh, we need a

12:03

torso on that thing. And

12:05

someone said, well, we don't have a whole torso,

12:08

let's just throw half of a torso over there.

12:11

So they did. And then they said, wouldn't it be

12:13

funny if there was a giant paper mache head? And

12:15

they threw that on top. And I went out the

12:17

door, but I've always been self-conscious. I always try and

12:19

wear things that break up the fact that my waist

12:22

is sort of in the middle of

12:24

my chest. Do you wear a cummerbund even in

12:26

like non-formal situations? I do. I

12:28

wear a mitt pool party. I

12:31

wear a formal cummerbund. I heard this thing

12:33

once. I was in an acting class, which

12:35

is a shameful thing to admit, but I

12:37

was. And there did a scene

12:40

from Frankenstein where the monster goes back. He's

12:42

fucked stuff up. He's killed people, whatever. He

12:44

goes back to the doctor's lab and he

12:46

goes, why did you make me? He

12:49

goes, I'm so ugly. I

12:51

don't fit in. Why did you make me? And

12:53

the doctor says, I just wanted to

12:56

see if I could. And

12:58

the monster's like, you wanted to

13:00

see if you could? And then he

13:02

goes, then you make me another and you

13:04

make her as ugly and detestable as I am because

13:07

I need someone to love and I need someone to

13:09

love me. And I thought,

13:11

that's so heartbreaking and beautiful. And

13:13

I told my father that. And he's like, oh,

13:15

I think that's sort of about, that's a story

13:17

about kids like Frankenstein's made from the pieces of

13:20

a bunch of old dead people, which is essentially

13:22

what a kid is, you know, in a genetic

13:24

way. And that sort of question

13:26

of like, why? Why did you bring me here? Is

13:29

hangs over every parent. And when you were talking about

13:31

being assembled with a paper mache head and legs and

13:33

no torso, it made me think of the Frankenstein. It's

13:37

funny, which by the way, I just read

13:40

for the first time, the original

13:42

Frankenstein, which is

13:44

nothing like the movies, absolutely nothing like the

13:47

movies and really powerful, but very, very different.

13:49

Not what you'd think. Anyway,

13:51

I'm just going to throw that out there and I

13:53

want to remind people you should read. Reading's important. The

13:56

more you know. I

14:00

was a little starburst going by.

14:02

I used to have a TV

14:04

show where we could make the

14:07

starburst go by, and I'm like,

14:09

well, first of all, I don't

14:11

want to embarrass you, but you're

14:13

a very attractive fellow. Thank you.

14:15

Jesus. And I'm just curious because

14:17

I know I saw you, I

14:20

think for the first time, I remembered seeing you

14:22

on The Office. And then I have

14:24

to say a show that my son and I

14:26

really bonded over was Silicon Valley, which as you

14:28

know, I've talked to you about it, but I

14:30

adored Silicon Valley, absolutely adored

14:32

it. And your character Jared was

14:34

so funny and so delightful. And

14:36

so I told my son today,

14:38

oh, I'm going to, that

14:41

I'd be seeing you. And he was, he

14:43

doesn't respect me at all, but I saw

14:45

respect in his eyes. So it was really,

14:47

it was very cool. So

14:50

happy. I mean, okay, I don't know how

14:52

much earnestness this can accommodate, but

14:54

I do want to, you can cut it out, right?

14:56

You edit this. Okay. I don't think we have the

14:58

money to edit. Oh, really? No, no, no, no, we're

15:00

making a ton of

15:02

cash is coming in, but it's going out

15:04

rapidly. Well, I don't want

15:07

to say it specifically. It's not just my nose,

15:09

but he actually just snorts money. I

15:12

shred it and then I snored it. You

15:14

can't see this, but he has a terribly

15:16

deviated septum. It's like little pieces of Ben

15:18

Franklin's face. It's really horrible. Yeah. But I

15:20

was going to say this. One of the

15:23

first times I ever saw you, because I

15:25

don't know if people know this, in

15:27

early days of Upright Citizens Brigade in New

15:29

York, before it became this kind of factory

15:32

for people who would then go on to

15:34

populate all kinds of comedy shows, no one

15:36

made any money. No one had, you know,

15:38

people couldn't support themselves. And everyone was a

15:41

weirdo and not getting cast in whatever TV

15:43

shows were being made. So Conan's show was

15:45

how so many people kept themselves afloat. And

15:47

the first time I ever filmed anything for

15:50

television, I was cast on your show to

15:52

play Leprechaun with Marfan

15:54

Syndrome. That's

15:56

my comedy, which is

15:58

then cut. And I also

16:00

did a bit where I had to make

16:02

out with somebody while Chris Matthews narrated it

16:04

and then I think that also got cut.

16:06

But the point is I got like, I

16:09

got a paycheck. You get paid. You get

16:11

paid either way. And it was, you really

16:13

sort of were like the Medici of

16:15

like, Fricaszoy, the New York comedian

16:18

where you're keeping us, you know, in our city

16:20

apartment. That makes

16:23

me really happy. I've heard that from

16:25

other people. It was not a selfless

16:27

act because, you know, we needed

16:29

all these really talented performers

16:31

to do incredibly bizarre things.

16:34

So it worked out so nicely that

16:36

at that time there was just this

16:38

incredible wealth. I mean, Amy Poehler used

16:40

to play Andy Rick, your sister on

16:42

the show, and she wasn't on SNL.

16:44

And we tried to use her like

16:46

once a week and she played his

16:49

sister who wore a giant headgear. We'd

16:51

give her a script that I'd like

16:53

to think was a solid B. And

16:55

I watched her every time take it to an A

16:57

plus plus, and then she would go into these incredibly

17:00

ornate speeches. Where she'd be

17:02

like invoking like Norse God.

17:04

Norse God and screaming. And

17:07

but she was so amazing. But

17:09

I'm later, I was saying

17:11

to reminding Amy, like, I didn't do

17:13

that to be nice. You

17:16

know, we were lucky

17:18

to have you. We were lucky to have you. We were

17:20

lucky to have all these incredibly talented people.

17:23

But what's interesting to me is there's a couple of people

17:26

that I see in comedy that sort

17:28

of had my a similar build to me

17:30

when I was coming up. And I always want to bond

17:32

with them. Stephen Merchant, same thing.

17:35

I think of like you, Stephen Merchant.

17:37

There's a couple of us praying mantis

17:39

men out there that get into comedy. And

17:41

white, white men. That's what you're drawn to. Yes.

17:45

Strong white men. I'm trying to.

17:48

Strong. I'm sorry. That's

17:50

the part. That's objectionable. Not the play

17:52

great racism that I'm assigning to you.

17:54

But just the self description is strong.

17:57

That's the point. saying,

18:00

you know, it's about time white men

18:02

got a break. And so this time,

18:04

no, but can I say I also

18:06

again, respectfully dissent, because you have been

18:08

supportive of me in ways that it's

18:10

not like we're hanging out going fishing

18:12

on the weekends. Like you've

18:14

just extended your platform, your support,

18:17

your praise in a way

18:19

that is completely benefit lists.

18:21

You know, I made a short film that

18:23

you promoted. That is how it got any

18:25

audience at all. And brought me on your

18:28

show before anyone

18:30

wanted me on any talk shows. And I don't think

18:32

this is unique to me. I think you're someone who

18:34

has a real kind of comedy

18:37

Robin Hood vibe in this way. I

18:40

have to say it just comes from I like when

18:42

people really make me laugh, I want selfish I just

18:44

want to be around them. I want to have I

18:47

want them to do well. And then I want them

18:49

to cast me in their works. Sorry,

18:52

that's the long con. I

18:56

know someday you're going to make a movie and there's going to

18:58

be a part that I'm not right for at all. And

19:01

I'm going to guilt you into giving it to me and it's going to

19:03

really hurt the movie. Can

19:08

I ask you this is something now I'm selfish

19:10

and again, I don't know this is the idea.

19:12

We talk. We talk. I

19:15

know. Okay. have

19:18

come in. Yeah. Yeah. He

19:21

doesn't want me to get anything good. I was talking

19:23

to a woman writes on the succession and she said

19:26

British people don't like award shows because they they

19:28

don't like getting awards and they don't like seeing other

19:31

people get awards. That's hilarious. I

19:33

love the honesty of that. People

19:35

have an allergy to having any kind of

19:38

an interior life and also to

19:40

having a body. It's like people in the

19:42

UK. I mean, I love a lot of

19:44

the people I met and worked within UK.

19:47

But the feeling is kind of like you

19:49

can't cop to having ambition or aggression, any

19:52

of that stuff, because it's so unseemly. But

19:55

in the process of trying to kind

19:57

of obfuscate what you're actually feeling inside.

19:59

And it can get kind of weird. It

20:02

can feel sort of cunning in a way.

20:04

And when I would come back from England

20:07

to LA, where everyone is so just unabashedly

20:09

self-promotional, I found it to be a relief

20:11

because it's like, okay, at least you're like

20:13

telling me what a hero you are to

20:16

my face instead of hiding whatever self regard

20:18

you feel behind this kind of, you know.

20:21

I like people who are like, I have a friend

20:23

who talks a lot about all the famous people he

20:25

knows because he's delighted to know so many famous people.

20:28

And it's relaxing to me because I'm like,

20:30

oh yeah, I know where you stand.

20:32

She's like, can you believe it? Sarah

20:34

Paulson loves me. I'm

20:37

like, I can, you're a nice guy.

20:39

I mean, she just called me to

20:41

ask if I wanted to come to

20:44

Art Basel. And she was like, great,

20:46

I don't know. Look

20:48

at this list of numbers on my phone.

20:51

I do this a lot even around here. I'll

20:53

apologize like nine times before I say the name.

20:56

You know, it's kind of cool that I bumped in. I was

20:58

in a restaurant and I saw, okay, this

21:00

is kind of lame, but I did see.

21:02

And then you say famous person's name and

21:04

you think, well, no, I'm living in, I

21:06

work in this industry. Why am I apologizing

21:08

10 times? Because

21:10

it almost then starts to feel like that's its

21:12

own kind of, I don't know, it's like a

21:14

deal. You know how like air fresheners can make

21:17

smells worse? Yes. It's kind of like

21:19

the social version of that where there's like an air

21:21

freshener that doesn't quite cover up what you're doing. So

21:23

then it feels like this kind of, like if you

21:25

feel like you have to, okay, money, I

21:27

think is a really interesting one. Yeah. Like

21:30

where people don't want to talk about money because it's

21:32

so uncomfortable. But sometimes when I'm around people who have

21:34

lots and lots of money and they kind of try

21:36

to spare me from the acknowledgement that they're rich, that's

21:39

one of the only times I'm like, oh, do

21:41

you feel like your money makes you better than

21:43

me because you're protecting me from the fact that

21:45

you have money, but I'm glad you have money.

21:47

That's great. Yeah. It's

21:50

like, I'm not threatened by it unless the implication is

21:52

like, oh, I don't want him to know because he'll

21:54

feel like such a little Gutter snipe,

21:56

you know?, An

22:11

inherent in have the flexibility to work and

22:13

all sorts of places whether it's taking video

22:15

calls from the park or emailing large files.

22:18

Were your grocery shopping some of this is

22:20

good for you is is always doing whatever

22:22

he worked you do for me from fun

22:24

locations. That I like blaming it on

22:26

not having reception. I know about. You can't

22:28

do that here. Working on the go seamlessly

22:31

requires a strong network, which is why you

22:33

should check out T Mobile. Sona have any

22:35

guide. No excuses. Their America's largest and fastest

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five. The network. With T Mobile you'll be

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covered in more places. With the five, the

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speed you need for your life on the

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girls plus. They. Also cover more how

22:45

he miles with five G than anybody else. Check

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it out of you know believe me A but

22:50

you've got T Mobile right? I do. I was

22:52

actually just up in the woods and Idlewild is

22:54

fantastic for the weekend. And ah my T Mobile

22:56

didn't miss My T Mobile phone didn't miss. You

22:58

know I wouldn't think you need a cell phone

23:00

cause you speak so loudly the microphone while I

23:02

the looks of support just take sides as take

23:05

it down. I was. Search. Why didn't your

23:07

him when the restaurant's open for brights?

23:09

Okay, so I used it's of my

23:11

T Mobile covers, side of fries and

23:13

price. Anyway, wherever you are you take

23:15

it from the loud speaking play. If

23:17

you're on the go, you want to

23:19

be in the know. You want to

23:21

make the show like ah T Mobile

23:23

at had one for you. I was

23:25

sitting round it with Go Anyway find

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out more T mobile.com/network today. Cupboards not

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available in some areas Fast as based

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on median overhaul. combines anti speeds according

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to analysis by google or of speech

23:36

is intelligence beats three to me Twenty

23:38

three see. Details:

23:41

T Mobile that. You

23:53

know, our podcast doing it for five years

23:55

now. It's changed over the year? Yeah, yeah,

23:58

I had. I've gotten better looking at. Stronger.

24:00

ah ah I'm no seem less mentally sharp

24:02

eye on things just happen you know in

24:04

other things. well whatever with a time you

24:06

Yeah we got a nice to know that

24:08

to guy and we own a studio but

24:10

ah you know it's one thing hasn't changed

24:12

and that's the great taste. More like you're

24:14

not thinking about the summer drive in this

24:16

morning. so much has changed but not the

24:18

great taste, similar line or thinking about Miller

24:20

Lite this morning on down and out the

24:22

window of the car next to me and

24:24

the guy gave me a thumbs up and

24:26

said i embrace. It

24:28

was the original light beer and to this

24:31

day it's still the best one of the

24:33

as me yeah I like have a good

24:35

time. You know that I'm so you love

24:37

to part. My name is Conan. Good time.

24:39

O'brien and I get together with my gang

24:41

my squad and we crack open some Miller

24:43

lights. Am always good in the hood and

24:45

debatable quality. Great taste and guess what? I

24:47

ran the numbers myself. Gamley Ninety six calories.

24:49

Wow, it's the beer that strips away everything

24:52

you don't need and holds on to what

24:54

matters most. It's a light beer. The taste.

24:56

Guess what? Ding dong? open the door like

24:58

a beer. The. Original

25:00

a beer. Since Nineteen Seventy Five, Red

25:02

Sox won the pennant anyway. times change

25:04

which can always enjoy the great a

25:06

summer a light. Tastes. Like

25:08

Miller time. To. Get Miller Lite

25:10

delivered right to your door. Visit.

25:13

Miller lite.com/donuts or you can find it

25:15

pretty much anywhere that sells beer. A

25:17

You sell beer yes we do. That

25:19

said Miller Light Beers we do say

25:21

Muppet Why you working here are not

25:23

sure. Celebrate responsibly Miller Brewing Company will

25:26

walk he was causing and it's it's.

25:28

for twelve ounces. This

25:39

it was sponsored by Better Help. That

25:41

was the first thing you'd do if he had an extra

25:43

hour in your day, which it would you do. Just read

25:45

a book, sona, take a nap. What would you do? A

25:47

highly watched Tv? Yeah. Well. Lot of a

25:50

spend our lives wishing we had more time. The

25:52

question is time for what? You've. time

25:54

was unlimited how would you use it the

25:56

best way to squeeze that special thing and

25:59

you schedule is know what's important to you

26:01

and make it a priority. Well, guess what?

26:03

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26:07

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26:09

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26:12

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26:14

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26:17

of starting therapy, you should get better

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betterhelp, help.com/Conan.

26:57

One of my things that I've been doing for

26:59

a while. You've experienced this, Sona. I

27:01

go way the other way as a bit. And

27:04

so Sona, I remember when she got you

27:06

moved in, it was with you and Kerry.

27:08

Me and Kerry got an apartment. Like a

27:10

small apartment in, it was very nice in

27:12

Santa Monica, but small apartment that my

27:15

assistant and her, as someone else who worked on the show, a producer

27:17

on the show got. And I remembered coming in

27:19

and I was like, this is beautiful. Is

27:21

it okay if I go upstairs? And

27:23

Sona was like, Conan, you know, there's

27:25

no upstairs. And I would act like, oh, come on,

27:28

seriously. Uh, but anyway, at least let me

27:30

see the, at least let me see the screening room and she'd be

27:32

like, you're sick. And I just want

27:34

to check it out. Where's the gym? What's your

27:36

gym? What do you work out? And

27:38

she'd be like, all right, fuck you. And I'd say, and then

27:40

I'd say like, okay, if you don't want me to see it,

27:42

it's okay. If I just

27:44

go and check out the indoor pool and

27:47

uh, but it

27:49

was the only, and

27:51

it's when you sometimes you'll like get your

27:53

wallet and you'll just sneeze and all the

27:55

castle and the hardest, the hardest I've ever seen.

27:59

Adam Sacks. room with us right now and Adam

28:01

Sacks is a very genteel

28:03

fellow. Adam hadn't known me that long

28:05

and what I had done is I was talking about a

28:07

preparing but he didn't know but I was just saying like,

28:09

look, I don't know. I think I just feel like I'm

28:12

anyone else here and I don't really feel like I'm any

28:14

different than I was in high school. I went to a

28:16

public high school. My parents didn't have you know much money

28:18

and we just grew up in a middle class house and

28:20

I just I don't think and I

28:22

just think I haven't changed and

28:25

then I sneezed very convincingly and loudly

28:28

and what I had done is I

28:30

had a money clip filled with money and

28:32

I rolled it up and hidden in my head and I went and

28:36

this wad of giant wad

28:38

of money came up my nose and shot

28:40

on the floor and I

28:42

was like, oh damn it. Like every time I

28:44

sneeze a lot of money comes out and

28:47

Adam covered him.

28:49

What were you what you said? You

28:51

say crying now just remembering it and

28:53

I remember that many times I saw

28:55

it in my chair. I was yelling

28:58

covering my face and we had only

29:00

known each other maybe for a

29:02

couple months at that point. Yeah, you really

29:05

didn't know me and it's and so sometimes

29:07

like my comfort zone is something that's

29:10

so insanely over the top Warner Brothers cartoony

29:12

wrong that it's okay. I think that makes

29:14

sense. Does that make sense? Yeah. Also it's

29:16

funny that you said that he snorts money

29:18

because that makes sense. It's clear now that

29:20

I do. Yeah. Yeah. This is like look

29:22

this is again you're not going to like

29:24

this because it's more but I was thinking

29:26

a lot. I was very excited to come

29:28

here pick me girl and I another thing

29:30

that I was thinking about too is that

29:32

you I feel like I've met a

29:34

lot of people in comedy who are

29:36

you know kind of lampoon very cerebral

29:38

very smart and often a

29:40

bit aggressive. Right. One thing that I've noticed

29:43

over the course of the time that I've

29:45

been watching you is it's really interesting like

29:47

I think sometimes people are so smart and

29:50

kind of acidic get more so

29:52

over time but you've somehow I

29:54

feel like you you're like warmer

29:57

and warmer not that you weren't like warm before but

29:59

I feel like you feel like, like I think

30:01

I was a little scared the first time I met you

30:03

because I was like, this guy's funnier

30:05

than me and smarter and I'm like,

30:07

I'm better educated and it's very like

30:09

brainy and fast. And now I

30:11

feel like I could be kind of a little bit

30:13

of a puddle or a little sloppy and

30:16

not feel scared. I never

30:18

thought that I

30:21

will say that I am happier at this

30:23

stage of my life than I was

30:25

at, we've talked about this, but my 20s, 30s,

30:27

40s, just so much pressure all

30:29

the time. And I

30:32

like to think that I was a

30:34

good person and nice to people, but

30:36

I definitely am a happier person now

30:38

than I was then because you just

30:40

think, okay, this is who I am

30:42

and I'm doing the best I can.

30:44

You come to this, you settle a

30:46

little bit in this really nice way.

30:49

Also, I think smart is way

30:51

overrated. I agree. Smart is so

30:53

overrated and sometimes I went to

30:57

this school where there were tons of

30:59

quote, smart people and who were

31:01

much smarter than me. And in

31:05

my career in show business, I've met tons of

31:07

people who are smarter than me.

31:09

They probably have a much higher IQ there.

31:11

I don't credit smart with a lot. Did

31:13

you feel like you were more dazzled by

31:15

intelligence when you were younger or were you

31:17

always kind of skeptical of it? No, I

31:19

think I probably was more... You're more impressed

31:21

with a lot of things when you're younger.

31:24

When you're younger, you're impressed with a lot

31:26

of things. And then I always would see

31:28

other people and think, oh man, I really

31:30

want to be... I put everybody

31:32

else on a pedestal. And as you

31:34

know, you degrade yourself when you do that.

31:36

And I was constantly not thinking that

31:38

much of myself and thinking that these other people

31:40

were gods. And

31:42

I also think the reverence isolates both

31:45

the revered and the whatever,

31:47

the reverencer, I don't know, the reverer.

31:50

Because man, you're not smart at all. I

31:53

just realized I'm so much smarter than you. No,

31:55

don't push me out of here. Don't push me

31:57

out. Could you guys hear that? Is

32:00

that the Reverend, sir? Oh

32:03

no! I knew it

32:05

was gonna happen! I knew it was

32:07

gonna happen! I

32:10

posed as a warm guy that wanted

32:12

contact with you. Do you

32:14

think I wanted to meet you outside and leave your car

32:16

in? No! I

32:20

don't... I think other people are probably smarter than

32:22

me. He bought it! I'm

32:25

the smartest fucking man that ever lived!

32:30

Sorry, that was crazy. What

32:32

a weird thing operation. Just

32:35

to lure people in with like

32:37

a promise of not being smart.

32:41

Someone told me... I follow these quotes I can't remember

32:43

who told me them, but someone told me, A fame

32:45

is a mask that destroys the face. And

32:47

I think... Oh, I know that one! Who said that? I

32:50

think it was Eveline, maybe, but anyway, someone

32:52

said it. And... No,

32:55

I'm pretty sure it was Kaya Gerber. That's

32:58

what it was. It was Kaya Gerber. So

33:00

there's a variation that says celebrity is a mask that

33:02

eats into the face. Yeah, eats into the face, yeah.

33:04

John Updike. Yeah, John Updike.

33:08

But anyway... And he had him

33:10

in his face, was just riddled

33:12

with sores and open

33:14

wounds. Because he got

33:16

too famous! It was really antibiotics, there's this

33:18

immerse that ate his face. And

33:20

he blamed it... He blamed it on his fame as an author! Like,

33:23

you're not that famous, John Updike. You're fine!

33:27

No recognizing you! He went around...

33:29

You know Freddy Krueger. Later in

33:31

life, he wore a Freddy Krueger

33:33

mask. And went

33:35

around and went, of course, you know,

33:37

I'm John Updike, I wrote the rabbit

33:40

series, and I can't take off his

33:42

mask. I do want to say, no

33:45

joke, have you met... Have you met... What

33:48

is happening between you two? He just

33:50

looked at me like, did you catch that joke? I went down

33:52

there. I went down a John Updike rabbit hole as Freddy, and

33:54

I look over and and I look over and I was looking

33:56

at him like, what's going on? me

34:00

like she was watching a man a

34:02

man go underwater for the ninth time. That

34:04

was a return. Look at

34:07

him he's frowning. He felt like he was looking to

34:09

see like hey I knew. Yeah I usually give

34:15

him whatever validation he's looking for but

34:18

sometimes I just don't and sometimes I

34:20

don't. John, I'm sorry. Wearing a mask showing up at a

34:22

party wasn't doing it for you. I just want

34:26

to say I actually through this show met

34:28

Kaya Gerber who is like way more literate

34:30

than me by a factor of about a

34:32

million. Well yeah she was in my

34:35

mind because I just watched an episode of your

34:37

show. I'm gonna bring up your show now because

34:39

you just did and then we can go on

34:41

and talk about other stuff but you've done this

34:43

show called In the Know and you did it

34:45

with Mike Judge. Yeah. It is really

34:48

funny and really well done and I

34:50

think you've made six of them? Yeah

34:52

there's six. Okay I watched the first

34:54

one before you got here

34:56

and I was like oh I'm totally down

34:58

with this show takes place at NPR and

35:01

this is gonna reel you in. It's NPR.

35:03

Zach is the main character

35:06

who's completely full of himself

35:08

named Lauren. Yeah Lauren Caspian.

35:10

Lauren Caspian who is the

35:12

I think third or fourth

35:14

most popular NPR correspondent. Probably

35:16

fourth but claims third. Yeah

35:18

and it's puppets. It's like

35:21

I want to almost stop

35:23

motion puppets and it's

35:25

really funny. It's so well

35:28

written and it's so

35:30

good and of course it's skewering

35:32

a lot of the stuff that

35:34

I think needs skewering. I mean

35:37

so many things need skewering on

35:39

both sides of the spectrum but it is

35:41

so funny. I was watching it I was

35:43

thinking this makes me really happy but one

35:45

of the parts that I really like is

35:48

that your character in his interviews, the interviews

35:50

are on Zoom, so it's all puppets but then

35:52

when you're talking to whoever one

35:54

of your guests are it's really them on a Zoom.

35:57

And so Kaya Gerber happened to be in the news.

35:59

Yeah. She was great and

36:01

very game. I mean, it's interesting, I've never

36:03

done stop motion before, but it's the people

36:06

who did the Guillermo del Toro Pinocchio. So

36:08

these are like the best stop motion animators

36:10

in the world. It's crazy

36:12

to see it because one thing

36:14

I didn't realize when we started,

36:16

but I guess I feel like, people

36:19

have a tendency to kind of winnow themselves down to

36:21

one thing or to winnow each other down to one

36:23

thing, this kind of reductive identity thing where it's like

36:25

you are this one thing, or you're this one thing

36:28

you did, or one thing you believe, et cetera. And

36:30

so something that I always look for

36:32

in stories and try to include is

36:34

the kind of contradictory bird's nest of

36:37

a person. And one

36:39

thing that's so cool about stop motion is because

36:42

each character is played by 30 different

36:44

animators plus the voice actor, there's a

36:46

kind of multifacetedness that's bred

36:49

into the process. You get all of

36:51

these different people's little ticks and imaginations

36:53

and facial features and stuff in

36:56

the process. And I thought that was really fun. I'd

36:59

never experienced that before. It was

37:01

also created by the Brandon Gardner, who's my writing

37:03

partner and who listens to this show religiously. Well,

37:05

I thought Brandon Gardner was really the driving force

37:08

behind it. Okay, well, let's not

37:10

get carried away because I- Really? No,

37:13

no, he just felt like- He's an amazing

37:15

human being. Yeah, no, he's like a giant

37:17

powerful evanrud motor shooting the boat forward. And

37:19

then you and Mike Judge have like little tiny straws that you're

37:22

dipping in the water trying to help with the forward. But he's

37:24

also a great guy though. Oh, yeah, I love him. A great

37:26

guy. And yeah, he knows

37:28

the podcast when he hears it. Yes. Okay,

37:30

well, I mean, I don't think we're just like a pointless ancillary

37:33

rowing team on the back of his- Oh!

37:36

I think you guys are attractive

37:38

appendages on

37:41

a powerful engine that

37:43

is, what's his name again? That's right. No,

37:47

but one of the things that

37:49

it's something that I'm

37:51

really looking forward to seeing more in the show is

37:54

you and one of your coworkers are

37:56

always trying to out-woke and out PC

37:59

each other. And it makes for really

38:01

good comedy because you will be saying,

38:03

well, there's an unhoused person I met

38:05

and everyone's very sanctimonious. And then she's

38:07

accusing you of being insensitive because you

38:09

didn't use the latest term. And I

38:12

thought this is comedy that needs to

38:14

be done right now. Well, you know,

38:16

it's funny in the neighborhood where we're

38:18

recording this, I guess

38:20

a couple of years ago, I was walking around

38:22

and it's kind of like a Tony neighborhood. And I

38:24

was I passed a house that probably must cost like

38:27

four million dollars or something. And in the front yard,

38:29

there was a sign that said defund

38:31

the police. And then right

38:33

next to it was an ADT home security

38:35

detail that advertised that they have

38:38

armed guards who are on patrol. And

38:40

I was like, defund the police because you have

38:42

like hired mercenaries. And

38:45

I was like, with shoot to kill order. And

38:48

then I felt very smug about it. And

38:50

then I went to go get them tiger

38:52

and ordered like a whatever, nineteen dollar matcha

38:54

and it was like my own hellish version

38:56

of the same person I was just looking

38:58

down on. So I just think there's so much.

39:01

Sorry, I'm spitting. There's so much like,

39:03

you know, the kind of cosmetic progressive

39:06

ideology where it's like it's a personal

39:08

enhancement as opposed to a commitment that

39:10

you're making to action. You know, it's

39:13

a way of beautifying yourself,

39:15

but you never really walk the walk. I

39:17

mean, I think about that all the time

39:20

of like how if you look at my

39:22

credit card statements and you were to look

39:24

at my journal entries, there's a terrible disparity

39:26

between what I supposedly care about and what

39:29

I swipe my card on.

39:31

Sure. Sure. Is

39:33

the plan to make more than one season or you're going to wait and

39:35

see? Yeah, I guess it depends if the network wants to make more. But

39:38

we've been daydreaming about it. I mean, at this point,

39:40

we're just trying to kind of get it out into

39:42

the world. And that's been

39:44

preoccupying, but I wouldn't rule it out.

39:47

Yeah. Well, the boring answer. Oh,

39:49

that's terrible. Can we keep your partner in

39:52

here? Can I use something?

39:54

Yeah, Brandon. Brandon. Brandon.

39:57

Brandon more. Can I just say something? This was

39:59

intended. to be an interview with Brandon. He

40:02

is so in demand. We couldn't get

40:05

him. Yeah. And there was

40:08

just no getting him. So he's, I

40:10

guess on some party with Kaya Gerber

40:12

and Sia and everyone else who's named.

40:15

That's a cool party. It's just the three of them.

40:18

The three of them. And it's in a very

40:20

large cheesecake factory that they bought out

40:23

and it's just empty. I want to

40:25

go. They have so many

40:27

choices. I agree. Can I tell you though? I

40:30

made a reservation at the cheesecake factory once I

40:32

showed up and they were like, the way is

40:34

45 minutes. I was like, Oh no, no, I

40:36

have a reservation. And she said, no, no, that's

40:38

just an estimate. What? I was like, what does

40:41

that mean? So the reservations at Cheesecake Factory are

40:43

a lie and a fraud. Let's get that word

40:45

out. Wait a minute. I

40:49

have a confession. My stepbrother

40:51

is a regional manager for. Is that

40:53

true? Yeah. Cheesecake factory. I haven't even

40:56

brought in cheesecake. He lives in Dallas.

40:59

Yeah. They would melt on the way. I

41:01

don't think he works for them anymore, but

41:03

good. We're not

41:05

taking a fight with cheesecake. I'm telling

41:07

you. I'm the Bob Woodward of the cheesecake

41:09

factory. I'm going to be on Zach's side

41:13

for a second. I think if you tell people

41:15

you've got a reservation, you've got to honor that.

41:17

Of course. Now look, I respect that Cheesecake Factory,

41:19

I've never seen a menu like that. It's a

41:21

menu where you think of something in

41:23

your head. If it's not on that menu,

41:25

I'll blow my brains out. Literally

41:29

like an alarm clock

41:31

covered in caramel that sits

41:33

on a blint. And then

41:35

there's a beau n'yay sauce. Page

41:37

17. I'd like the

41:39

buffalo wings and a better relationship with my

41:42

father. That's page nine and page 32. I

41:44

once asked them if it was possible, if

41:46

I came in and theoretically ordered one of

41:48

everything on the menu, could you even produce

41:51

that much food in enough time? And they

41:53

said that they could. I don't know if

41:55

this, do you think that's true? They have

41:58

a 3D printer back there. This

42:01

is constantly and giant

42:03

pneumatic tubes firing foods from

42:05

all around the world at

42:07

hyper speed. You

42:10

were quite young when you started doing improv. Yeah, I was 16. I

42:13

wanted to be a jazz musician when I was a kid.

42:15

Yeah. And friendship over. Friendship

42:18

begun. There we do. I

42:21

just checked you off for friendship over time.

42:24

Go ahead. What kind of instrument? I played

42:26

trumpet and the way I got hooked on

42:28

jazz, like all great jazz musicians, was a

42:30

CD-ROM video game about the history of jazz.

42:33

I thought you were going to say heroin.

42:35

My parents got me, it was called Living

42:37

Jazz. What? Yup. That's

42:40

how you got into jazz? Not hanging out

42:42

in a smoky club? No. Like

42:45

all the greats, I switched from Encarta

42:47

to Living Jazz and Living Jazz was

42:49

like, had you ever played enough living

42:52

jazz? Sort of a format of a

42:54

first person shooter, but you were totally

42:56

passive, but you were wandering

43:00

through the history of jazz. That's the way it

43:02

works. That's fantastic. You're

43:04

like, I'm going to go to Storyville and watch

43:07

Louis Armstrong. I'm going to go to Chicago after

43:09

the great migration. There's Lester

43:11

Young. Wait a minute, that's incredible. You ever

43:13

get to shoot up the place? That

43:16

would be amazing if you played enough living jazz. You

43:18

just get to be a... At

43:22

one point I wanted to transition to Grand Theft

43:24

Auto, that's all. There's a lot of jazz history, but

43:26

then at a certain point you notice, I think

43:28

I'm in a strip club. That's

43:31

so funny. I just hit Ella Fitzgerald

43:33

with a baseball bat. People

43:42

are really mad at me online. That's

43:45

how I got into jazz. I

43:49

wanted to be a jazz musician, but then

43:51

I got braces and I couldn't play anymore

43:54

because it messed up my embouchure. My parents

43:56

took me... I had to get

43:58

braces and they took me... to Dr. Chops,

44:01

who was the... Come on. Was that a

44:03

jazz musician? Yeah. Well, he was a jazz

44:05

dentist. Okay. And he

44:07

was... He was Winter Marcellus' dentist, and we went

44:10

to visit him and said, you know, is there

44:12

anything that can be done? He said, no, but

44:14

this toothpaste is $30, and you should buy that.

44:16

And so we did, and then I went back

44:18

home, and the guy who gave me braces... I

44:21

feel like I've talked about this at some

44:24

point, but he had a life-size mural of

44:26

himself in a lab coat, putting

44:28

braces on the animals in the jungle.

44:31

And then he also had a portrait

44:33

of himself dressed as a

44:35

dentist, working on himself dressed as Superman.

44:38

Oh my God. So this guy was

44:40

a fascinating character. Yeah. I

44:42

mean, we've got to talk to him, too. Yeah. We've

44:44

got to get him in here. I feel like any time

44:46

I elude to someone, you would prefer that they were here.

44:49

And I would just say anyone. Anyone

44:51

but. But no, but this is

44:54

crazy to me, which is that you get braces

44:56

and they can't make a special mouthpiece that goes

44:58

over your... Or they were just trying to discourage you

45:00

from playing the trumpet. Maybe that was it. My

45:03

parents got tired of it. But I would take pliers

45:05

and rip out the wire because I would get so

45:07

frustrated and I wanted to play. But

45:09

then I just sort of gave up, and I had all this free

45:11

time where I used to be practicing trumpet. And

45:13

so my brother had gone to college in New

45:15

York, and he had gone to an early ASCAT

45:17

at UCB, the Upright Citizens Brigade, and he told

45:19

me about it. And I thought,

45:21

oh, that sounds fun. So I would take

45:23

the train up to New York from Pennsylvania

45:25

where I grew up, and I took classes.

45:28

And back then, the Upright Citizens

45:30

Brigade was in this kind of dingy

45:34

X strip club where

45:36

you remember this. Oh, yeah,

45:38

definitely. And they had

45:40

cleaned out... He remembers the strip club.

45:44

They cleaned out the strip club and

45:46

turned it into a small black box

45:48

theater. That's right. And they had

45:50

a little, sometimes, fine condoms and stuff because I guess it

45:52

was the House of Ill Repute. And then also, I guess

45:54

there was a mix of... Someone

45:57

told me that there was, I guess, for some reason, the

45:59

strip club was popular with... to seed. So sometimes like these

46:02

acidic guys would come in and like sit down thinking

46:04

a strip show was about to start, but then they'd

46:06

just be stuck in like Brett Gellman's

46:08

one man show or whatever. And like you

46:10

just end up like watching alt comedy for

46:13

an hour and they couldn't leave. So just

46:15

the idea of like these like acidities just

46:17

watch. It makes me laugh. Anyway,

46:19

yeah, I performed I did some stuff with

46:21

UCB back in the day. And I remember

46:23

going down to that theater and they

46:26

would do a thing where you

46:28

just go out and do a monologue based

46:30

on something someone shouted out in the audience.

46:32

And I remembered finding it incredibly fun and

46:35

therapeutic. Have you ever had the experience of

46:37

overshare? Have you ever done like

46:39

a monologue or an interview or something and then

46:41

had that kind of vulnerability hangover thing where you're

46:43

like, Oh, I didn't want to talk about that,

46:45

but I did. I mean, I

46:47

talk so much. I

46:50

probably have, but I don't know that I've ever

46:53

come to you, Matt, and

46:55

said, I mean, take out that

46:57

part where I talked about my younger sister beating me.

46:59

That was exactly the thing you asked me to think

47:01

of. Yeah. I was just embarrassed that my younger sister

47:03

could beat me so easily. Yeah. No, no, I don't

47:05

remember. I didn't throw out the course of your life.

47:08

It wasn't an isolated interest. She was three and I was

47:10

15 and she totally just was hitting me through walls and

47:12

then falling

47:16

me into that room and then punching me through another

47:18

wall. Yeah, I don't think so.

47:21

I don't think so. Yeah. Do you?

47:23

Sometimes. Do you guys have that? Oh,

47:25

daily. Really? Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

47:27

Zona has admitted to many crimes that

47:29

she committed. I used to

47:32

shoplift. Really? Yeah, my parents were

47:34

horrified. But can I ask you about that? Because I have so

47:37

many questions about that, but was it the thrill

47:39

of shoplifting or was it like you wanted the

47:41

item? Was it you wanted the shoplift or you

47:43

wanted the thing? It was a thrill. The

47:45

first thing I saw was a 45 cent sticker

47:48

book from Sanrio and I could

47:51

get that. I could have afforded it at that time, but

47:53

I just was like, I'm just going to put it in

47:55

my body. And scrunchies and scrunchies and hair

47:57

things. And I would feel things and I would put

47:59

them on. my head like a

48:01

hairband and I would walk in front

48:03

of the customer service rep and that

48:06

was a thrill but I never like

48:08

stole a bunch of stuff and ran out. When

48:10

I met Sona she was running down Olympic

48:13

Boulevard holding a Samsung flat screen a

48:15

very large one. And then I robbed

48:17

you. You smashed it over my head

48:19

ruining the flat screen

48:24

and then took robbed me of

48:26

$8 which really was stupid because the

48:28

flat screen was worth so much more.

48:31

But yeah I'm one

48:33

of those people that the way I was raised

48:35

was someone's always like God is always watching so

48:37

every now and then I would

48:39

put gum in my mouth and I would be

48:41

walking along and crinkle up the tiny little trident

48:43

wrapper into a tiny little ball and just sort

48:45

of drop it on the sidewalk and keep walking

48:47

and then I would stop and

48:50

pick it up. And it's not that I'm

48:52

the best person in the world it's just

48:54

that I thought that I can't

48:56

have that hanging over me. And I had a

48:58

therapist tell me once years ago you have

49:01

the largest conscience which

49:03

is probably shocked to you guys but

49:05

he said you have the largest conscience

49:07

of anyone I've ever talked to. So

49:10

those things the idea of taking even

49:12

you know stealing

49:14

one Alka Seltzer from a

49:16

drugstore not because I'm better

49:18

than you because I'm superior

49:21

to you. It's an important

49:23

clarification. I mean it's a

49:25

really interesting thing like I think there

49:27

was a store where I grew up where if you

49:29

stole they would either call the police

49:31

or they would take a picture of you with

49:33

the item that you stole and then they would

49:36

put that picture up in

49:38

the grocery store so it's this sort

49:40

of humiliation. It also feels a little

49:42

bit like Salem Massachusetts 1650 that

49:45

kind of this

49:47

is the way we will shame

49:50

people and then they will behave or

49:52

putting people in stocks. You know it's

49:54

a public humiliation which is something

49:57

that maybe used to work. I don't know we should do

49:59

more of it. Okay, have a letter

50:01

saying it's not billie to go. Know islands

50:03

and I think people should be sent around

50:05

for your big you. Saw The Crucible that

50:07

play about the Yeah and you were like

50:09

a that's aspiration. I saw this as I

50:12

thought the Crucible. My Arthur Miller was a

50:14

How To. I

50:16

said okay, I'm down with

50:18

that sister. say nine Jail

50:20

et se. Mm

50:23

when I tried to don't see you in water to see if you

50:25

are which. And

50:27

other's hair product floated the the surface. When

50:30

you use the law. he was alive. As

50:35

and will come on. I

50:37

dunno, I didn't. Know

50:40

I was are no shame in it I

50:42

think it's someone told me if i wonder

50:44

if the same thing works as a stern

50:46

because someone told me that a the again

50:48

these are like unsighted probably most it starts

50:50

a separate shoplifting and nineteenth century London was

50:53

like a big of like epidemic so they

50:55

made it a hanging offense to shoplift and

50:57

the place said the the have these big

50:59

public hangings and those public hangings was we're

51:01

there is the most puzzling and yeah because

51:03

everywhere yeah was a great places and also

51:06

I think Emmy about was back when you

51:08

could get shipped off. To Australia for you

51:10

know taking a loaf of bread. That said

51:12

my reserving john and yeah you know boo

51:15

hoo Australia you bend was say it's amazing

51:17

that was I've been shipped off to said

51:19

we went to America and. Been

51:21

to central Massachusetts. Gonna

51:24

come back to say about him back

51:27

on and sarcasm. Zoom in or hey

51:29

I sign and I black out for

51:31

such and such a thing of they

51:34

had sent me to Australia which is

51:36

where we cinema sir Snow up. I'd

51:38

have like of the same torso right

51:40

now. I'm a fan of as much

51:43

as one hundred worth of my god

51:45

why I'd I'd Australia I would have

51:47

lives set of this. Taping

51:50

gas for amount. Of

51:52

eyes and where the right size

51:54

of his be little more and

51:57

more. Sensitive.

51:59

so. me up to Australia,

52:02

but no, we had to go

52:04

to Stirbridge. Oh my God. Yeah,

52:07

I've never heard the word Stirbridge with so much

52:09

venom in my life. I know. Stirbridge.

52:12

Shout out to Stirbridge, his friend at Lively

52:14

Place. My dad told me

52:16

once, this was so nice, because I made this short

52:18

film that's sort of about a therapist, he's a therapist,

52:21

and he said this thing to me once that I

52:23

thought was so sweet where he was like, he said,

52:25

I know you love me and you can have it

52:27

all. He was like, you can

52:29

tell a story about anything from our family

52:31

from my vantage point, and I trust you

52:33

to handle it humanely. Oh, so

52:36

sweet. Damn. That is my,

52:38

I did not get that shit from

52:40

my parents. My

52:42

one message my mother made very

52:44

clear that I understood and got

52:46

was the

52:48

O'Brien's were to be told

52:51

of as lace curtain, respectable

52:54

Irish people who were upstanding members

52:56

of the community and my whole

52:58

career has been tearing that down.

53:01

Well, that's so interesting. My, I have an

53:04

uncle who got into researching the family's history,

53:06

and I guess like my great grandmother came

53:08

to escape the czar and the pogroms and

53:10

stuff in Russia, and I think she was

53:13

a sex worker in the Lower East Side.

53:16

She was by herself, she was a teenager,

53:18

and then she married a Jewish gangster and

53:20

a jewel thief who eventually got killed in

53:22

Chicago, but she divorced him first. And

53:25

like they had this very kind of- It's

53:27

amazing. It's crazy, right? And then it's so

53:29

funny how you just try to sort of

53:31

wash the stink of the old country off

53:33

you as fast as possible, because then my

53:35

grandfather changed the name from Wodensky to Woods,

53:37

started talking with kind of a fake British

53:39

accent apparently, smoked a pipe, and you just

53:41

try to kind of ape this respectability as

53:44

fast as you can. I thought you were

53:46

a Protestant Earl. Like, I really, I

53:48

thought you were landed gentry. Mission accomplished.

53:50

From Oxfordshire. I swear to God. I

53:54

think, oh, they're growing pretty tall there in Oxfordshire.

54:00

I could talk to you for seven hours. I

54:02

really could, but I have to respect your time

54:05

because you're a man with things to do. Also,

54:07

we got Brandon coming in. Oh, goddamn it. Oh,

54:09

yes! Brandon! Brandon! Choke

54:11

on it, Brandon! Choke on

54:13

it, baby! Let

54:16

me just mention again, In the Know,

54:18

it's a really funny show. It's out

54:20

now, and it is on Peacock.

54:23

It is very unusual. It's

54:26

original, and it's really funny. It's really funny, so

54:28

check it out. I will carry that with

54:30

me for a long time. Thanks

54:32

for saying that. Well, I meant it. It

54:34

came from my heart and from part of my brain

54:36

that has things, the control of

54:38

the voice. What's happening?

54:41

Oh my God. Is this your dying word? Yeah,

54:43

we're witnessing in real time. Oh, God! Oh, my

54:45

God! That wrapped it up so well,

54:47

and then you kept talking. What I'm

54:49

trying to say is it came from

54:51

the heart, but then I also wanted to credit the

54:54

speech portion of my brain. Because when people

54:56

say it came from the heart, I'm like, yeah,

54:58

okay, but without the speech

55:00

portion of your brain, what

55:03

the fuck? So I think the heart gets too much

55:05

credit. So anyway, from your

55:07

mouth. From my mouth. That is

55:09

coming from your mouth. That's gaping

55:11

hole with no lip. Sir

55:13

Bridge! Sir Bridge! Thank

55:16

you, sir. Thank you. I

55:27

made a lot of cool moves in 2023. Did you

55:29

know that? Did you? Like what? Had

55:32

all my teeth pulled. Oh, why? And then these,

55:34

yeah, these new steel ones put in so I can

55:36

bite my way through a car door if I'm ever

55:38

trapped. That's a bad idea. Well, think back on everything

55:40

you did in 2023, big or

55:42

small, no matter what moves you made last year,

55:44

TurboTax experts, make them count. Maybe

55:47

you flipped your house. That's a move that leads

55:49

to a literal move. You know what I'm saying?

55:51

Maybe you bought a second property to rent out

55:53

for some extra income. Ka-ching, that's smart move. Did

55:55

you convert your garage into a gym? So you

55:57

can start building up those biceps? I did not.

56:00

Anyway, that would be a move.

56:02

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56:04

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56:06

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56:08

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56:11

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56:15

make them count. I

56:17

don't like how you said that. I said it

56:19

like a real cool guy. See

56:21

guaranteed details at turbotax.com/guarantees. Experts only

56:23

available with TurboTax Live. I

56:35

don't know if Brian needs a friend. He's

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LLC. And

57:44

I want to tell you what we were just

57:47

talking about in the studio. And I insisted, let's

57:50

turn on, I

57:52

said, let's activate the microphone.

57:55

So Eduardo, turn them on. This is what we were just

57:57

talking about. I made a declaration that I'm pretty sure I

57:59

could. take anybody in this room in a physical

58:01

fight except, I said, Blay, I don't think I could

58:03

take you because you work out all the time. Thank

58:06

you very much. You could. I don't think I could,

58:08

but and then everyone started to get into

58:10

it like, no, you couldn't. You couldn't take

58:12

Eduardo. But you said more than that. Yeah.

58:15

You said I'd fight you without my hand. Yes. Well,

58:17

I know that you're a huge and I still think

58:20

he'd win. Yeah. No, I think you're

58:22

a huge you're a huge soccer fan. You love Lionel

58:24

Messi. Uh huh. It's Lionel by the way. And I

58:26

just think

58:28

you're probably like in the back of your mind think

58:30

I can't use my hands. I've got to get him

58:32

with my feet and then I just lay you out,

58:35

you know, and then Adam, I'm sorry, but I just

58:38

it would be over very quickly. I

58:40

disagree. Yeah. Yeah. I think Adam's the

58:42

quiet prize fighter, you know, have you

58:44

been in many physical fights? Very

58:46

few. Very few. Very few.

58:52

So I think rightfully said that she

58:54

couldn't see me getting like working up

58:57

enough rage. Uh, I don't yeah, I

58:59

I think first of all, you remind

59:01

me and the the listeners probably thinking

59:03

well, we can't picture this Adam Sacks.

59:05

Imagine a milder Michael Sarah. No fair

59:08

like even milder and not

59:11

as strong like Michael like Michael Sarah

59:13

is like on steroids compared to no,

59:15

no, no, no, Adam tall and lie.

59:17

I think do you want to arm

59:19

wrestle across the table? Oh, come

59:23

on. No, I can't. This rotator

59:25

cuff. Oh, really? I'd like to

59:27

see this. My money's on this guy. Well, wait a

59:29

minute. Whoever wins an arm wrestling struggle

59:32

does not win the fight. It

59:35

is a one indicator of one of it. It

59:37

doesn't mean I would beat you in a fight,

59:39

but it would it means I'd beat you in

59:41

a single, you know, feat of strength. Well, this

59:43

thing's in the way. No,

59:47

let's keep the conversation going for a bit first.

59:49

Okay. And then we'll see if this so-called test

59:52

fighting aptitude and gets us there. You know,

59:54

so every time you're in a stressful situation,

59:56

or let's say you're walking down the street

59:59

with your wife. and some thug stands

1:00:01

in the way and says, give me your money.

1:00:03

You're going to say, we'll arm wrestle and see

1:00:05

who gets my door. Is that what you'll say?

1:00:07

It's, I mean, it came to mind. We can

1:00:09

figure out other ways to test our- How about

1:00:11

I fight you? I fight you, but you're blindfolded.

1:00:13

I mean, I'm- I can't do that, you know,

1:00:15

mic'd up. It's easier to fit the table. And

1:00:17

what about, now, Matt, when you see me, when

1:00:19

you see you coming after me, I know you're

1:00:21

an ageist and stuff, but come on, I mean,

1:00:23

look at this guy. No, you look great. You're

1:00:25

super fit for your age. And I

1:00:27

want to say this, the only thing I've got going in my corner

1:00:30

is a desperate need to prove something to you,

1:00:32

my father figure. Yes! And so that might be

1:00:35

enough to take me over the top. Also, I'm

1:00:37

betting, just because I know you got a lot

1:00:39

of flea markets and you love to buy weird

1:00:41

things, I bet you have a Flemish suit of

1:00:43

armor at home. And probably some kind of antique

1:00:45

brass knuckle or- Oh, yeah. Yeah. And

1:00:47

you have that knife cane, you know. You have all

1:00:49

kinds of weapons, ironically. What's an ironic- Oh, you know,

1:00:52

like a bumper shoot that has a little- That's what

1:00:54

I just said. A little knife that comes out. That's

1:00:56

what I literally just said. No, but it comes out-

1:00:58

But one that has like a James Bond- That's what

1:01:00

I just said. You didn't say one that has a little

1:01:02

knife that comes out. I did, I did. Did he say

1:01:05

that? Yes. Oh, I think I would lose

1:01:07

this fight. I wouldn't even know I was in a fight.

1:01:09

I'm telling you, as my body grows stronger, every

1:01:11

day, ladies, I think my mind is going. I didn't

1:01:13

hear you say that. But then again, I was yelling

1:01:15

at you and I wasn't really listening. You need your

1:01:17

mind, you know, you can't just be fleet of foot.

1:01:20

You need your mind in a fight, you know? Yeah.

1:01:22

And coordination, you have no coordination. You

1:01:24

have no coordination. Get to the bigger thing,

1:01:26

and I think Sona could take you. I can easily

1:01:28

take you. And you know- You would have the rage.

1:01:30

You know what, I do have the rage. I

1:01:33

will say this, an angry Sona beats everyone in this

1:01:35

room. Yeah. I think we're all angry. I've seen you

1:01:37

when your blood is up. And

1:01:40

you are the Khaleesi. It's insane. The

1:01:42

dragons, the whole thing. But you don't

1:01:45

have, if you are a strong person-

1:01:47

And I have a lot of inner rage. Oh, for sure. You

1:01:49

do, but you also, you don't have very much coordination.

1:01:51

And I think you'd be doing a lot of bits.

1:01:53

I would do bits. You'd be putting the pen, and

1:01:55

be like, oh, mustache pen. Yes, yes. I

1:01:57

would do bits as I fought, which I think-

1:02:00

is very impressive. I manage to do bits when

1:02:02

I fight people. I don't think that is impressive. And

1:02:04

I think you get beaten up. Unless

1:02:06

it's a distracting tactic. Oh, it wouldn't be distracting.

1:02:09

It's a lot of me using glasses. If I

1:02:11

have a pen, I make it a mustache or

1:02:13

I make it like, oh, I'm a walrus with

1:02:15

one... Yeah, you did the walrus with one tusk.

1:02:17

With one tusk. I'm a walrus with one tusk,

1:02:19

you know? There's only one way to decide this,

1:02:21

and that is right now... Fight club. Yeah. Battle

1:02:23

royale. Fight club. Why don't you guys go right

1:02:25

now? Okay, so... Oh my god. What

1:02:28

are you doing? I'm trying to swing at you. Already, I feel

1:02:30

like I don't know anything about arm wrestling technique, but I

1:02:32

can tell it's not right. I know nothing about arm wrestling. Okay.

1:02:34

All right. And I don't think it's a chest of strength. All

1:02:36

right, on your mark. And we hold these hands. Ready? Wait, what

1:02:38

are you guys doing? Wait, wait, wait. Why is the bottom of

1:02:41

the... I don't know. Hey, do you guys have something? Matt

1:02:43

reached over and held my other hand. This is

1:02:45

over the top rules. If we don't have the

1:02:47

little joystick... What? But

1:02:49

why did you hold my hand? This is what you do.

1:02:51

Hey, did you want to get one milkshake and two straws?

1:02:54

Yes. Hey, how about we both... We both

1:02:57

start on different ends of a strand of spaghetti

1:02:59

and move our way into the middle. Have you

1:03:01

people never arm wrestled with someone you love dearly

1:03:03

and wanted to get close to something else? Jonah,

1:03:06

give me your hand. He held my hand and he did a little

1:03:08

bit of that. There was a little bit of a

1:03:10

rub. No, you... What are you

1:03:12

doing? You do this? No, that's

1:03:14

on the side. That's not in the

1:03:16

middle. That's on the side. There's no where for

1:03:19

your arm to go. That's blocking it. I just agreement

1:03:21

it's broken out in chess clubs. Wait, this is the

1:03:23

weirdest... I am never...

1:03:25

My microphone is over here. What are you doing with

1:03:27

this? I am never the one who's gonna let me

1:03:29

go for it. Ready? Ready? Yeah. When?

1:03:32

Okay, but... Wait a minute. Wait

1:03:34

a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait

1:03:37

a minute. You're on this side of the

1:03:39

table pushing that way. This guy pushed that

1:03:41

way. Gorley won easily. No, but you saw

1:03:43

what he did. You're

1:03:45

on this side of the table. There's no

1:03:48

way. Well, let's switch places then like this.

1:03:50

Arm wrestling. No, just stay there but get

1:03:52

here. Here

1:03:55

we go. Ready? Yeah. Wait, wait, no. When?

1:03:58

When? One to one.

1:04:01

One to one. Hold his other hand. I'm not

1:04:03

doing shit. I need to go. What the fuck's

1:04:05

wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with

1:04:08

you? Can't you arm wrestle? Oh my God. Look

1:04:10

at that. He broke my skin. Dap him with

1:04:12

your pen. Here's the thing. Dirty. You know that

1:04:14

poison-kissed umbrella. What's that? What's that? What's

1:04:17

that? What's that? What's

1:04:19

that? What's that? What's

1:04:21

that? What's that? What's that?

1:04:24

What's that? What's that? What's

1:04:26

that? What's that? I love that poison-kissed

1:04:28

umbrella. Look, when I said I would

1:04:30

win, what I'm telling you is I would

1:04:32

win. I would use

1:04:34

anything in the room to win. Yeah, you

1:04:37

know what? You would. I think you would.

1:04:39

I think you're the best, like, cheater. Yeah. That's

1:04:41

true. I don't call it cheating.

1:04:43

Is it cheating when Jason Bourne

1:04:48

uses something in the kitchen when the Russian

1:04:50

attacks him and beats him? That's not cheating.

1:04:52

He does use a pen, but he uses

1:04:54

the pointy nib, and you just took, like,

1:04:56

the blunt curvy nib. Because

1:04:58

I didn't... Look at that. Matt, I didn't want

1:05:00

to hurt you. Do you realize if I'd used

1:05:03

the sharp? I thought about that. You did. You

1:05:05

could have killed me. I would like... My

1:05:07

dream is that all of you attack me at once. That's

1:05:10

my dream, too. Okay. I think

1:05:13

we all have the same dream. You

1:05:16

all attack me at once, and

1:05:18

then I just become this, like, whirly

1:05:20

gig, this red tornado. There's potatoes in

1:05:23

there and fists, and you

1:05:25

all... Then there's single shots of each of you

1:05:27

flying up against the wall. And Eduardo, you hit the

1:05:29

wall, and then you go, like, you hear birds, and

1:05:31

you slowly sink to the bottom. And

1:05:33

then you hit the wall, and your hair is turned jet

1:05:35

black. Blay. Guys, he's begging

1:05:37

us to attack him. This is our one chance

1:05:40

to take this man down. I'm giving you... Listen,

1:05:42

it doesn't even have to be now. You're

1:05:44

allowed to attack me at any time. I'm like

1:05:46

Cluso. Cluso and Kano. Yeah, I just want to...

1:05:49

I love the idea. Do you have

1:05:51

to see it coming? Or can we ninja style

1:05:53

it? He wanted it. I'd like to see you

1:05:55

try, Eduardo. I can hear you

1:05:57

coming a mile away, muttering the latest...

1:06:00

soccer scores. That's

1:06:02

what you do, Eduardo. That's what

1:06:04

you do. Everybody

1:06:06

counts. Ugh, Arsenal

1:06:08

2. Two? That's a

1:06:10

score? Ridiculous. Manchester

1:06:14

1. I always hear you

1:06:16

before I see you. I do

1:06:18

think that when powered by rage, or

1:06:20

if I feel that my career is at stake,

1:06:23

then I become a whirligig. I

1:06:26

mean, you don't feel that. So

1:06:28

when you don't feel those things, you're

1:06:31

powerless. Yeah, I'd be killed quickly. At

1:06:34

least you know that. I

1:06:36

do feel like you, and this is not a joke,

1:06:38

I do feel like there is some kind of superpower

1:06:40

that activates when you're shooting a remote. Yes. Or

1:06:44

we're doing a bit, like we were, if I can say this,

1:06:46

we were in Thailand, and it was a hundred and eighty- Well

1:06:48

that was a sex trip, you don't talk about that. Oh,

1:06:51

you mean for the New HBO Max show. Oh,

1:06:53

but don't talk about the other time we went

1:06:55

to Thailand. That really gets us right. Yeah,

1:06:58

the second time we went to Thailand,

1:07:00

it was a hundred and eighty degrees,

1:07:02

and even people who lived there were

1:07:04

like dying. And not

1:07:07

only did you outside do a

1:07:09

whole kickboxing thing, like a very

1:07:11

physical for, I think like two

1:07:13

hours, you also- we went to

1:07:15

a climbing gym, and you climbed

1:07:17

to the top. Well, my thing

1:07:20

is, I've always been able to,

1:07:23

if I think it's going to be funny,

1:07:25

you can shoot me, I don't want to put this out

1:07:27

there, with a glass, with

1:07:29

a fake bullet. No, but if I

1:07:31

think it's going to be funny, I can

1:07:33

do things. You can walk on water. No,

1:07:36

no, that's making me Christlike. Okay, sorry.

1:07:39

I think I'm more of a Buddha. All

1:07:42

seeing, all knowing, omniscient, big belly. I

1:07:45

think that, yes, I need those kind of stakes. Otherwise,

1:07:47

yeah, I would collapse immediately. Yeah,

1:07:50

I think I'm a tissue man,

1:07:52

a man made of tissue. But

1:07:55

let's see, you're all welcome to attack me at any time.

1:07:57

So we should attack you off camera, is what you're saying.

1:08:00

Or whatever you want to do you want

1:08:02

to attack me would your brothers kick your

1:08:04

ass? Um, what first of all, that's just

1:08:06

rude And and

1:08:08

secondly, yes Neil

1:08:12

Neil bigger than me much stronger than me

1:08:15

and But

1:08:17

actually Luke and I together couldn't take Neil

1:08:19

so we used to try and we were

1:08:21

like these two small Countries in

1:08:23

the Ottoman Empire that banded together to try and

1:08:25

take on you know A huge empire

1:08:27

we and he could still take us and he would

1:08:29

just laugh and and

1:08:32

throw us around the room So I think maybe

1:08:34

a secret to why I'm so hostile

1:08:36

I we can who can know who

1:08:39

can never know pick on Justin because he was so

1:08:41

little I would never do that And

1:08:43

Justin if you're listening my apologies For

1:08:46

15 years of hell I had

1:08:49

to go to college so I had to stop No,

1:08:51

I would play with Justin all the time. He's

1:08:54

our youngest and But I

1:08:56

would play my games were insane I mean he was like trapped

1:08:58

he was it's like he was trapped with a madman So

1:09:01

most he would say can we play cops and robbers

1:09:03

and I'd say sure and so I'd be the robber

1:09:05

and he'd be the Cop then he'd like say you're

1:09:07

under arrest and I'd say well, okay I'm suing you

1:09:09

now and he'd be like what and

1:09:11

I'd set up a table and say you need to fill out

1:09:13

these forms Because I think you

1:09:15

had no right and I think you avoided

1:09:17

my constitutional right and then I remembered it

1:09:20

ended once With him

1:09:22

I said you have to go into

1:09:24

this prison because you You've

1:09:26

been taken off the police force is like 1981

1:09:29

you said you have to go into this prison You're

1:09:35

you're the guy who shares a set with you as a

1:09:37

robot who's there to spy on you and he was like

1:09:44

So that's I mean Lawyer

1:09:46

now I think to fight to fight

1:09:48

those same injustices. I love you Justin

1:09:51

and I apologize I thought we were

1:09:53

having fun. I don't even know you

1:10:00

and I apologize. It's so

1:10:02

funny I had to leave my family and I recreated one

1:10:04

here and I figured out

1:10:08

a way to turn it into a quasi-business. Yeah,

1:10:10

I know. And

1:10:13

then just, oh good, I can pick on these guys.

1:10:16

You're the Neil. Not really. All right,

1:10:18

well, this was, I think we learned

1:10:20

a lot. I think we learned a

1:10:22

lot here, which is, Gorley, you would

1:10:24

fairly beat me arm wrestling. I

1:10:26

still think if it was a real fight, I could distract

1:10:29

you. I could say there's some

1:10:31

memorabilia over there from the Nixon Museum and then I would

1:10:33

just take your head off. And I don't think it's worth

1:10:35

it to arm wrestle unless you can hold hands. What's

1:10:37

the point otherwise? Give a

1:10:39

little. It's not weird. Look it up, people. That's

1:10:42

how you grade the whole arm wrestle. I don't

1:10:44

know. And he had like, it's weird. It was

1:10:46

really weird. And it was tender. That's

1:10:49

what you're talking about. You know what I will say?

1:10:51

In the middle. It's like on the side. No, that's

1:10:53

what you use when you don't have the over the

1:10:55

top joystick. You don't hold hands. They've never held hands.

1:10:58

Sona, Sona. He wanted to hold my hand. Let it

1:11:00

go. You hold hands, you arm wrestle, you

1:11:02

see each other later, you realize you're closer

1:11:04

than you think, you find out what's in

1:11:06

common. Okay. And then you take a little

1:11:08

drive. All right, I'm going to end it

1:11:10

there. Exactly.

1:11:13

It will. Conan

1:11:16

O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan

1:11:18

O'Brien, Sona Mufsestian and Matt Gorley.

1:11:20

Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive

1:11:22

produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao

1:11:24

and Jeff Ross at Team Coco

1:11:26

and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher

1:11:28

at Earwolf. Theme song by The

1:11:30

White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy

1:11:32

Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our

1:11:37

supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our

1:11:40

associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering

1:11:42

and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan

1:11:44

Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

1:11:46

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista

1:11:49

and Brit Khan. You can rate and

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