0:02

Runk.

0:05

Let's go Minneapolis. Let's go Minneapolis April

0:08

first of tickets to taping on my special

0:10

and I will be in Austin

0:12

soon and a bunch of different cities go to chrystal

0:14

dot com for tickets. By the way,

0:17

welcome to the episode. The new episode

0:19

of congratulation. I'd

0:29

be really hitting that chocolate. I

0:32

didn't really hit that duck duck duck

0:34

lips. Dude, they really got the the actually,

0:37

the they

0:39

figured the lips out on the on the on the checks

0:41

didn't they? The ducks finally figured them

0:43

out, didn't they? Because chicks

0:45

used to look real bad with the duck lips

0:47

and now they don't look so bad anymore.

0:49

Remember to fake butts how they were bad? They

0:51

don't look so bad anymore. You know how you

0:54

know fake butts don't look so bad anymore?

0:56

Because Asian chicks got them, you don't even know.

0:59

Remember when Asian chicks had no ass? Now they got

1:01

it. Anyway, dude, let's not talk about

1:03

that right up front. Usually talk

1:05

about the dicey stuff later on in the podcast,

1:07

but I guess we're growing today already. Don't know what

1:09

it is. Maybe it could be my new coffee maker that I

1:11

got here in the Benzo cup. I don't know why I

1:13

have the Mercedes Benz glass. That's a

1:15

real, real, real stupid thing to have,

1:17

but He's sipping out

1:20

of the Mercedes Benz merge, dude. He's

1:23

got the ice. He he took he made the

1:25

he made the he made the coffee where

1:27

do make it from? Oh, the kitchen? No. His

1:29

bed. How an app? Oh,

1:31

it hurts your feelings, doesn't it? Dude, but then

1:34

what? Oh, the cup oh, but but, dude, how do you get

1:36

do you make the coffee? How do you how do you have the cup

1:38

underneath the thing already? Oh, he set it up

1:40

last night. He knew he was probably gonna want it when he woke up

1:42

in the morning. God, he's got foresight, Dudley.

1:45

Oh, it hurts you feeling how much foresight he's got.

1:47

Doesn't it? So I put the cup under the

1:49

thing. First of all, it's called a spin. I think

1:51

don't know what it is. I got it for Christmas

1:53

present or birthday present no. Christmas present. My

1:56

brother and my wife got it me. Oh, god.

1:59

They went into They're good. Because it's really nice.

2:01

It makes any kind of coffee you want. And so

2:03

I got it, and this is not an ad. I shouldn't even

2:05

be talking about it because they didn't give me any paper.

2:07

But I'm saying I put the cup under

2:09

it, at night, went to bed,

2:11

woke up, hit the thing, and it

2:13

makes the skin a ring sound too when it goes off.

2:15

It goes, real

2:18

loud. It's scary. And went

2:21

down, picked up the coffee, put the ice in it, and,

2:23

oh, it's a pour

2:25

over. Oh, you know he drinks coffee when he's call

2:28

when he's talking about a pourover. So

2:30

anyway, dude, we got the hot merch

2:32

coming out christalia dot com. Go get that

2:34

go get that that merch the congratulations

2:37

merch. It really do be hit and do it. It really

2:39

do be hit and and the the tour exclusive merch

2:41

is absolutely high. We didn't have it in San Antonio.

2:43

Feel bad. Didn't come through in San Antonio. People in

2:46

San Antonio hit me up, like, why can't I have it? Because of

2:48

the storms, baby? Because of the storms.

2:50

We didn't even have it in Louisiana either. Because

2:52

of the storms. But

2:56

the new tour report is out, Rhode Island.

2:58

It's great. We brought Calvin on stage, talked about that

3:00

already, but it was really sweet. This is the

3:02

podcast episode, whatever it is. And

3:05

we're firing on all syllables, dude. You

3:07

know, it's it's been a good week

3:09

for me. I'm oh,

3:11

I also I added shows. I I forget to tell you I added

3:13

shows in Oxnard, Brea, in Irvine, California

3:16

to a ramp up for my special so if you're in Southern California,

3:19

a lot of people ask about Southern California there they are.

3:21

There they are. There they

3:24

are. Calvin's potty trained. Dude,

3:26

you know what the key to potty training is?

3:29

Wait until they're as old as you can

3:32

so they understand you. Dude, I have

3:34

so much foresight it's crazy. I

3:37

tried to potty train him when he was one and a half because I was

3:39

like, I bet my son can do it early on because you

3:41

hear about some villages in, like, India where it's like,

3:43

oh, dude, they're just potty trained from jump. Like, they come

3:45

out and they go, where's the toilet? And

3:48

I don't know why that is too because basically,

3:50

like, I think they kinda

3:52

just poop anywhere in India. You know, you're kind of

3:54

the dysentery. I know I'm being a little bit I'm pushing

3:57

the envelope here, but it is true. Dysentery

3:59

is big around there. And So

4:05

Well, I'm look I'm literally

4:07

looking at oh, god.

4:09

You know what? This is hilarious. I was looking at my

4:11

notes and I'm like, these notes make no sense.

4:14

And then I realized that this is my these are honestly

4:16

what I'm looking at in my notes or my therapy

4:18

notes. I'm like, What what

4:21

what does this depend on me for confidence?

4:25

That's hilarious. Wow.

4:29

Depend on myself for confidence. What bit

4:31

is that? So

4:33

sad. Don't don't don't

4:39

Don't try to gain acceptance from outside sources,

4:41

have acceptance with myself. What? What is that

4:44

funny bit that I'm trying to oh, yeah.

4:46

It's my sad notes. Oh,

4:49

yeah. It's my notes. It's my

4:51

sad notes that my CSAT told me to do a

4:56

certified text addiction therapy. Oh, that's

4:59

what he says, Sephora didn't know until recently.

5:04

So anyway, what was

5:06

I talking about? What was I talking about before I

5:08

got sidetracked here? We don't

5:10

know. Do you know why?

5:13

Took two gabapentin last night. Had

5:15

to. Rest of Life syndrome was

5:17

was was really be was was also really be hidden.

5:20

Oh, it's not Wow.

5:22

It's not even plugged in. It's not plugged in and

5:24

it's all good. But, yeah, you probably

5:26

heard it off the I tried to do the Jeremy renter's

5:29

thing. Thanks, bro. Take these

5:31

off because it makes it really loud noise. We do it.

5:34

We do it, how we do it. Does it

5:36

work? There it is. Just as loud

5:38

as we want it to.

5:40

But yeah. So potty trained my son. That's

5:42

what it was, and we're back. And we're

5:44

back. Sorry for that little gabap that that break

5:46

brought you by. That break brought

5:48

to you brought to you by gabapentin.

5:51

Take to forget words.

5:55

Brought to you by gabapentin.

5:57

It helps with anxiety and

6:00

absolutely ruins word recall.

6:04

Gabapentin. Long

6:07

fly ball deep to center any doubt.

6:09

Side retired. This game

6:12

is brought to you by Gabapentin.

6:17

So anyway, that's what you do, dude.

6:20

I tried to potty train my son at one

6:22

and a half, and I go like this. You know what? Never

6:24

mind. Because he just sat there for a really long time.

6:27

And

6:28

I'm, like, really good with it too.

6:30

Like, I'll sit with them. So I

6:32

just love like I love it.

6:34

I love it so much. Of just being anywhere

6:36

a dad. And and

6:39

so he now

6:42

he's three and I say, you know, I started prepping

6:44

on, like, know, you're three first of all, he said before he

6:46

turned three, he was like, I was like, you know, we gotta

6:48

potty train you too, and he's try potty train you

6:50

soon, and he said, no. I potty train when

6:52

I'm

6:53

free. And I'm like, wow. Okay.

6:55

So he turned three and I started, like, wetness appetite

6:57

for it. I was like, you know, we're gonna pretty soon get rid of the

6:59

diapers. Dude, took his diaper. And I said,

7:01

tell me next time you gotta go pee and he goes like, this.

7:03

A few few minutes later, gotta go pee. I said, really

7:05

go go sit on the toilet. He did it Pete, and

7:07

we made such a big Dude, it was like

7:10

the coffin dance. That that

7:12

that I

7:19

was with five other Nigerians. Just so

7:21

happy that my son peed in the plastic toilet

7:23

that wasn't even real. And then three

7:25

pees later, he's still doing it, and then

7:27

I go upstairs for a little and I hear, oh my

7:29

god, good job by Kristen. And I

7:31

said, what? I ran down. He said, he pooped

7:33

in there. And he said, dad, look, and I pooped,

7:36

and there were two different colors of poop. Because

7:43

sometimes he's constipated and the

7:45

it it's pebbles, and then under that

7:47

is the the liquid part.

7:51

Whatever, dude. If you don't have a kid, you don't know. But so

7:53

now he's completely potty trained. It took two hours.

7:56

That's how good it is to wait. So all you

7:58

gotta do is wait for the kid

8:00

to understand this is what you because you try

8:02

to took a one and a half year old, you're like, yo,

8:04

you got a pee, you got a poo poo in the potty,

8:06

and they just don't know what you mean. Three,

8:09

now he knows. Like I said, my son

8:11

said the word actually the other day. I'm like, alright. If you say

8:13

the word actually, we got a potty train. You know?

8:15

You got no business. I

8:18

don't mean to talk about my kids so much, but, dude, it's just

8:20

III don't care, man. I love it. And

8:23

it's my life now, honestly. So

8:26

so that's cool. So that's cool. Ben,

8:29

you know, like, your sobriety is good.

8:33

It's, you know, it's it's always a struggle,

8:35

but it's good. Get lost in my thoughts

8:37

sometimes. Just fantasizing, you

8:39

know, going a little bit. Oh, you know what?

8:42

Gotta depend on me for confidence. That's what it is

8:44

too. That's what it is too. Because also

8:46

when I was in rehab, wasn't doing any

8:48

any sort of I didn't have any sort of distraction.

8:51

Like, that was the that was a real hard thing

8:53

to do. No distraction. Zero

8:55

distraction. No phone dude.

8:58

Zero distraction. You know what the distraction

9:00

was? Thoughts. You ever

9:02

have to distract your thoughts with thoughts?

9:05

I did for over thirty days.

9:07

I realized I was going to bed and I was I was just,

9:09

like, I would just, like, think of things that, like,

9:12

you know, had no business thinking of just, like, know,

9:14

fantasizing or whatever. And I'd be like, dude,

9:16

why am I doing this? I'm doing this because I'm

9:18

uncomfortable here in this basically,

9:22

you know, halfway

9:24

house with dinner relax. And

9:26

so, you know, I had

9:28

roommates, and I was sleeping like

9:30

at the Wynn bed. And I felt

9:33

uncomfortable with me. Yes. And so what I did was

9:35

I would distract myself with thoughts and then I was like, why am I

9:37

doing this dude? I'm doing this because I don't wanna feel

9:39

the fear, yes, dude. And

9:41

so what I did was I thought

9:43

about other things. And then I caught myself

9:45

and I was like, dude, let's just feel the feelings. Cremus

9:48

up to say, yeah. It's done. It's

9:50

all good. My babies. It's what

9:52

real is what's funny. That's what they say.

9:54

So Like and

9:57

subscribe. I don't know what else you want, dude. But

9:59

let's grow this cult man because, dude,

10:01

and I'm not showing you you can look at my Instagram I

10:03

don't wanna but dude, I'm gonna get it. I mean, dude, he's got

10:05

it up now for real.

10:08

He's got an actual house on him.

10:11

What? The only other guy who's got house

10:13

in his arms is Joel Kenniman. Dude,

10:17

what? He's like the

10:19

comedian, Joe Kennamen. What?

10:25

Years ago, I saw Joe Kennamen had a house in

10:27

his arm. And I commented he's got a oh,

10:29

you got a whole house on your arm and he wrote, yeah, I got a

10:31

house tattoo. And I go,

10:33

okay, forgot about

10:34

it. For

10:36

years. And

10:38

then, god, I got a house on my arm. But it's not

10:40

on the house. It's it's a log cabin. Because

10:42

we're in the tall grass and we share ideas and

10:44

now we got a blueprint for it. Don't be babies.

10:47

We got a blueprint. It's right there.

10:49

Bear with me with the law cabin. You

10:51

understand? Bury me with the

10:54

lock cabin. You can't not, unless,

10:56

of course, I died by getting my arms sewn off.

10:59

Sowed off rather. So

11:02

yeah, bury me with the log cabin. But so anyway,

11:04

dude, my son's potty trained.

11:06

I got tattoo of house on me and my

11:08

wife is eight months pregnant. Other than that,

11:11

That's what's going on. Those are greatest things.

11:14

Yeah, dude.

11:17

And oh oh, and also Tinkerbell's

11:19

black. And I'm for it.

11:22

I don't care. I like it. You know

11:24

me. Right? You know me. I

11:27

want I don't want just I

11:31

don't want only

11:34

cartoons to be switched

11:36

up to black people. I

11:39

want every role to

11:41

be only black people.

11:43

So I don't even have to think about

11:46

ever being in a movie ever again

11:48

or a or a or a or a TV show.

11:51

I want them to make a legitimate TV

11:53

series about A. Lincoln and

11:55

have Tae Diggs play Abe Lincoln. And

11:58

and and and and and then it's like, well,

12:01

but it doesn't make sense because he was the one who

12:03

abolished it. Yeah. Okay. I don't care,

12:05

dude. I want everybody in the

12:07

thing to be. I want twelve

12:09

years a slave. I want Chad

12:13

well, Chad way to play the guy, and then

12:15

I want all the other people to also,

12:17

I wanted the the James

12:20

Who's the guy in Boston legal? James

12:22

Spader, I want that part to be black.

12:26

See, you didn't know his name, Lincoln. I messed up.

12:29

Nom races against white guys. But yeah,

12:33

dude. I I just I want

12:35

it all because here's the thing they made

12:37

Tinkerbell black and now you

12:39

cannot and I I said I wouldn't

12:41

say the W0KE world word anymore

12:43

on this podcast for this episode only because I

12:45

say it so much. But You just they

12:48

eat their own. You can't. Dude, they tried to

12:50

do that, and now the W0KE

12:52

people are like, you know what? Yeah.

12:55

Oh, you're making the cartoon. Why

12:57

can't we get our own so

13:00

it's like, dude. And half of them are white people

13:02

saying, so it's like, you can't win. So just keep

13:04

it how it is and or

13:06

switch the whole thing. The whole thing.

13:09

There should not be white people doing anything

13:12

anymore. Anything. Dude,

13:14

I want all the jobs to be Forget

13:18

it. I'm in, dude. Make

13:21

Tinkerbell, make Peter Pan, make them all people

13:23

of color. That's what I want to, and I won't be happy until

13:25

I won't rest until honestly. I won't

13:27

rest until Peter Pan is being played

13:30

by Mindy whatever

13:32

that woman is called. What's her name?

13:35

Mindy Kalings. Is that woman from the Mindy

13:37

Kalingsha? The

13:40

what show? Oh,

13:43

Scooby Doo, Velma. Right? Is she

13:45

Velma? Oh, there you go. Velma was right. Right?

13:47

And now she's good. Dude, he

13:49

beat it even though. He fell into

13:51

it.

13:54

And what I care? My son's potty train

13:56

dude. I'm done. I'm

13:59

having another

14:00

one. We're having we're having another baby,

14:02

so and you know that. But yeah.

14:06

So Tinkerbell's black and I'm all for it.

14:09

You know what they should do honestly? Just make

14:12

the two of the same movies.

14:14

One with white, one with black, and then one

14:16

with Asian, and then one with whatever. That's

14:19

how that that's actually how it used to be

14:21

they just be America was just the ones where they

14:23

just make the white movies, and then I they would

14:25

probably make other movies in other

14:28

places that were other people

14:30

with other colors

14:31

were. But whatever dude. I don't know

14:33

man anymore. It's okay. It's it's

14:35

gonna be fine.

14:37

It's gonna

14:38

you know why it's gonna be fine too. Is because

14:40

Tom Brady's is Tom Brady has announced he wants

14:42

to do stand up. Why

14:46

do

14:47

why I Look,

14:50

if you're the greatest football player of all time or

14:52

if you're a football player. After

14:54

that, only either be

14:57

an announcer or open up some sort

14:59

of warehouse that sells suits. Right?

15:01

That's it. That's it. Or

15:03

have a restaurant. Maybe even though that's kind

15:05

of annoying, but username 304 something Dude,

15:07

stand up comedy. Why do people think? And

15:09

I don't I don't I'm not one of those guys that

15:11

thinks that, oh, great. Tom Brady is doing stand

15:13

up. This is the death of stand up comedy. Dude, I don't care

15:15

about that. The whole hip hop is dead thing

15:17

is stupid. Right? Hip hop is

15:19

real. It's just not what's getting the clicks, which is

15:22

fine. I mean, there's still nozz out there

15:24

doing that thing, but it's like, you know,

15:26

papoost isn't really around anymore, and he was

15:28

true hip hop. I gotta fit it hat

15:30

on my head. A fit it

15:32

hat on my head.

15:37

What was that? I got

15:39

my halo blocker zone, but I come out. I

15:41

got my haters that he was real hip hop

15:43

dude, papoose.

15:45

What happened to him, man? Oh, I loved

15:47

that song. Anyway,

15:51

so But yeah, I'm really hip hop. I believe hip hop. But

15:53

so Tom Brady

15:55

is has announced he wants to do stand up.

15:59

He he's not doing sports

16:01

anymore, he wants to focus on his stand up

16:03

career, which is hilarious. That'd be like

16:05

like, think of how silly that sounds. If

16:07

I was just all of a sudden,

16:08

like, dude, I really wanna focus on my architect

16:11

career.

16:11

I don't have one. Tom

16:13

Brady throws footballs and he Like, you don't

16:16

have one. To be like, I really wanna focus I wanna

16:18

focus on my chef career, honestly. Oh,

16:20

I don't cook, dude. He did

16:22

it zero times. My

16:24

career. I

16:27

don't know why people get so successful in their thing

16:29

and they wanna do something else. Dude, before

16:31

that happens to me, bury me.

16:35

Because like, you

16:37

figured out what you do. You're the goat.

16:40

There you go. Even God

16:42

up in heaven is

16:43

like, I gave him that.

16:46

Golden arm? This

16:48

is so annoying. Even God is

16:50

like, goddamn it. Comparing,

16:54

are you serious, Tom? Oh, come on.

16:56

would kill him, but then everyone would kill

16:58

him early, but then there would be like a whole thing about it.

17:00

It'd be so annoying. I'd have to keep watching

17:02

specials. About it. Be all over

17:04

the news. I don't I'm so pissed

17:07

off. Neville,

17:10

can you get your clothes in

17:11

them? I have been working on it,

17:14

but

17:14

it just seems so goddamn perfect. So

17:17

now he's doing stand up comedy, and

17:20

he's talking to, like, Netflix about doing

17:22

it. What

17:25

I do? So

17:28

anyway, you ever been on the twenty five yard

17:30

line and oh, yeah.

17:35

Jacell

17:38

just at home just getting pipe laid

17:40

on, or you're sort of going out the other night?

17:42

She was just dancing so hard. Man,

17:44

Giselle's really a hot ticket she is. Right?

17:46

She was out having fun and like some boxy just

17:48

dancing around. Man, when

17:50

your wife is so Here's

17:52

the thing. Tom Brady is the goat. When your wife

17:54

is so hot and then she and you're both

17:56

famous and then she lead you guys break

17:58

up and then you gotta see viral videos

18:01

of her doing a mom dance at a mambo

18:03

number five with like some skater

18:05

boys. Oh my god,

18:07

dude.

18:09

No one who wants to do stand up comedy. These

18:12

guys just Everyone thinks they're Joe Rogan.

18:14

They think they could do anything.

18:16

There there's two guys who can do anything.

18:19

Joe Hogan and Beau Jackson.

18:21

And where'd Beau end up? Right?

18:24

Am I those pictures of

18:26

him with the football thing on? And he's just I

18:30

mean, you mean, Dion Sanders couldn't really do it all. He

18:33

tried. He's good. He's good at announcing. But

18:36

Anyway, dude, Tom Brady is gonna do stand up.

18:38

Can't wait for it. Can't wait for it. Even

18:40

though I think a black guy should have that job. I

18:46

just think it's absolutely phenomenal. I

18:49

I Dude, my son was I

18:51

would he he's been, like, regressing on the sleep schedule

18:53

a little bit, like, finally, like, he's been sleeping

18:55

so great. And now he I

18:59

don't know if he gets he's getting scared or

19:01

it's the separation anxiety, but like he goes,

19:03

we put in a bed and he's been sent he's

19:05

been like, will you lay with me for a bit? And

19:08

my my wife who it

19:10

will do that. I say, like, you know, babe, I think

19:12

that we gotta, like, not do that because if we

19:14

we we gotta curb it quick, because if

19:16

we get into a habit of doing it, then it's

19:18

gonna be even harder to curb. And she's like,

19:20

okay, you're right. Okay. So I

19:22

said, tell you what, I'll do the

19:25

I'll do the You potted

19:28

Oh, did you go over number one or number two?

19:32

You did pee pee? Amazing.

19:35

Well, don't come in. Don't come in because he's got his underwear

19:37

on. Right? you want pee pee?

19:40

Yes, dude. Yes.

19:46

Oh, he just went like that as he was even

19:48

love you. That's

19:51

amazing, dude. He went pee pee. But oh,

19:57

that's so cute. So

20:01

that's awesome. So he so

20:04

he's been, like, I don't know if it's so

20:06

so I said to my wife about the sleeping thing

20:11

about the sleeping thing. I was like,

20:15

I was like, well, man, that totally messed me

20:17

up. That's so awesome. That's so awesome. He did it without me.

20:19

That he that I was like, I'll take care this

20:22

to him going to sleep. I'll do it. Right?

20:24

Because I don't have shows in in town

20:26

right now because I'm just doing the road. And,

20:28

like, I just love I just wanna be at

20:31

home. So I'm like, I'm here at

20:33

night. Because also he's got late late hours

20:36

because he's got he's on comic time. So I'm like,

20:38

why don't I do it? So I've been, like, putting

20:40

in the bed and you would be, like, will you laugh 304 for a

20:42

bit? And I'll say, buddy, So I'm not

20:44

gonna do that because I

20:48

don't want to you

20:50

need to go to bed because I think you can do it. You're a big

20:52

boy. Right? Can you at least try? And he'll say,

20:55

okay. And then he'll he'll say,

20:57

can you leave the door open for a bit? And so

21:00

oh, can you leave the door a little bit open. That's

21:02

what he says. So I leave the door open now.

21:04

And so what happens is I'll hear

21:06

like pitter patterns and he'll be running into my room.

21:08

It's so So hilarious dude.

21:10

Because one time I walked out of his room, I started walking

21:13

downstairs, and I heard and he was running

21:15

to my room. I was like, buddy, I'm over here, and he would look

21:17

at me, and he was like, And

21:19

it was just really really because I used to be so scared

21:21

when I was a kid. Still am. So

21:23

still think about skin and wrinkles. So

21:27

Last year, three weeks ago, I can't go to bed. I can't go to bed with

21:29

the baby monitor on because it makes the same noise.

21:31

It's gonna ring. So anyway,

21:35

I I brought him I

21:37

put him down and then I said, I'll leave the door

21:39

a little bit open. Stay

21:42

here. If you need to, if it's necessary,

21:44

all you gotta do is call for me. I'll come right

21:46

in. So I walk out of the door and

21:49

I remember one time when I was a kid. And

21:51

my dad said, buddy, you gotta go to

21:53

school. And didn't want to. I was scared of everything.

21:55

I was way more scared than Calvin was about everything.

21:58

I was so scared. I was scared about didn't seem to the

22:00

night I was thirteen. Whoops,

22:02

admitted it. I would call my parents in room

22:04

every night till I was thirteen. Whoops, admitted it.

22:07

One time tried to sleep over Chris Siegel's house,

22:11

couldn't do it, had to go to the bathroom, wouldn't

22:13

go to the bathroom because I was too scared, woke

22:15

up in the middle of night with a log of shit, have

22:17

her coming out of my ass, whoops submitted

22:19

it. K?

22:23

So and that's what they call it dirty

22:25

jersey. So so

22:27

I I was

22:30

And so I stand outside of the door and wait for him

22:32

to say dad and I come in and say hey buddy and he says,

22:34

what you doing? And I

22:36

was like, I'm just watching TV and he says, Dustin, Tristan.

22:39

And I'm like, okay, buddy. Well, I'm gonna go out. If you need

22:41

me, just call me. He says, okay. I

22:43

walk out two minutes later, dad. I

22:46

pretend like I'm not standing right there because I don't want

22:48

him to think I'm right there. So then I wait little

22:50

bit. And then walk in and say, hey, buddy. He said, what you

22:52

doing? I said, oh, I'm just going downstairs to watch TV.

22:54

He says, okay. Anyway,

23:00

The other day, I

23:03

finally was like, because I don't wanna be like, hey,

23:05

are are you scared? Because then I don't wanna introduce

23:08

that thought into his mind in case he's not scared. He's

23:10

just, like, doesn't wanna go to sleep and he's crying because one

23:12

who's sleeping. So finally, I was like, buddy, so

23:14

what is the deal? Why do you not wanna go to bed

23:16

lately? What's going on? And he was

23:18

like, oh, I don't know. You leave the door. A little bit

23:20

open. I said, Is it is it maybe that

23:22

you're, like, scared of something? And he and he says,

23:25

yes. I said, are you scared? And he said, yes.

23:27

I said of what? And he said, spiders

23:29

in my womb. And I said, oh, buddy.

23:31

Well, you don't have to worry about spiders. Spiders,

23:34

first of all, there's no spiders in room. Second of all,

23:36

spiders are our friends. They eat other insects.

23:38

That are, like, you know, annoying and stuff. And

23:40

he said, really? I said, yeah. So

23:43

you're scared of spiders. And he said, yeah. And

23:45

I said, oh, you don't have to be. And he said, Can

23:47

we get one tomorrow? I

23:50

said, you wanna get a pet spider? He said, yes.

23:53

So now here's the deal. I'm

23:56

terrified of spiders. Okay?

23:59

I gotta get a fucking spider now because

24:01

by someone's a pet he won't stop talking about it. Can we

24:03

get a pet spider? So now, oh,

24:05

he turned it on its ass. Now it's

24:08

me who's scared. And

24:10

now I'm scared of spiders. Whoops. I

24:12

admitted it. But I am,

24:15

dude. And I kept that close to the chest. It

24:17

gets like I don't want fans coming up to me being like

24:19

here. Look. Here look. Right?

24:21

Here, look at the spider. Look. The

24:23

way they hold it. Here, look. Here he is.

24:26

Oh, there he is. There he is in

24:28

their mouth. So

24:31

now I gotta get a hairy You know what

24:33

I mean? We're

24:35

not gonna spider, but he wants a spider And

24:38

I fucked up. I asked him if he was scared. So now

24:40

I am confronted with my scariness.

24:43

And that and that's what it's like being a father,

24:45

dude. And

24:47

now I gotta I gotta I I sometimes I

24:49

sit with him in his his and guess what not I

24:51

can turn my baby monitor off in my

24:53

room. But guess what I can't do? Turn the sound

24:55

machine off in his room. So

24:58

now I got the That's

25:01

the same noise as Skinny and Drink. I'm actually

25:03

scared in the bed with Calvin And

25:05

I'm scared because I'm there. And he's scared

25:07

because he's there. And we're both sitting

25:10

there, scared of shit.

25:12

And I'm not lying to you, either I get freaked

25:14

out. And

25:16

moms eight months pregnant in the bed just like

25:19

this. Just

25:21

on this sleeping with, like, listening

25:24

to some murder podcast or

25:29

something on the comm comm app.

25:31

This is the comm app, by the way. This is the

25:33

other day. Here. Hold on. This

25:35

is the other day. I laughed so

25:37

hard because let me send

25:39

it to you. I I got it right here. I left

25:41

so hard because she's listening to this comm to the

25:43

comm app. Where's the lifeline where's

25:47

the lie? Where's the

25:49

dude, when is the last time we texted on lifeline?

25:51

Oh, I'm pissed. Oh, I'm pissed.

25:54

There it is. Dude, Got

25:57

it. So here's the deal. This is what this

25:59

is what we played. Just listen

26:01

to this. This is so awesome.

26:08

Hey there. My name's chips

26:10

on parakey. Oh, dude.

26:14

Jibbs.

26:17

Also,

26:18

hey there. My

26:20

name's Jibbs El Carique. Dude,

26:23

His family was at a

26:26

a syllable a sale for syllables. I

26:30

will take the k You

26:33

know what? I'll take two k's, a rare.

26:36

Oh, you got an o there. And

26:38

then what have left over chips. Oh, I'll use that for

26:40

the first one. So chips are okay. Okay. Okay. Well,

26:42

we'll make it chips are okay. We came back

26:44

with a bunch of syllables. Look what I got, family.

26:47

Ray 0K2

26:49

k's, and then o chibs. And

26:52

they go, dad. What are we gonna

26:54

make with that? I

26:56

don't know. These were the sound and we don't have much

26:59

money. What can we make?

27:02

And then and then the phone and then phone rang.

27:04

And they're like, what do we say, what hold

27:08

on. Hello? Hey

27:10

there. My name's Chipso Karakane.

27:13

And they were like, you did it.

27:22

Dude, chips are kara k.

27:24

Hello, chips hello, oh, kara

27:26

k residents. Cheers.

27:30

Dude, Chibbs is

27:33

his name. That's great.

27:36

Do you know how much I'm gonna name my second

27:38

child, Chibbs. Chibbs D'Elia.

27:42

Well, kind of what's the origin for that? It

27:45

sounds like really, really distinguished. And

27:47

we were laughing about it the last

27:49

night, and then Chris was like, how did he he still makes

27:51

it sound sick. You guys sexy. Hey

27:53

there. My name is Chibzo

27:55

Karake. Hey

27:58

there. My name is

28:00

shithead. My

28:02

name is shithead Spooladlock.

28:09

Hi there. My name is Shedd Splegina.

28:12

Spluge do it. Wow,

28:18

man. How do

28:20

you? Hi there.

28:23

Chibs. What? You know, dude,

28:25

it would be so annoying to have a name where people go,

28:27

what? Afterwards. What?

28:30

Dude, what my wife the other day said,

28:32

what do you think of the name? Because,

28:34

you know, we don't know what we're gonna name the second kid We have

28:36

a few names that are kinda,

28:38

you know, content

28:41

does. But she says,

28:43

what do you think of the name? And when she does it, I'm like,

28:45

this better be good 304 some reason, a guy names

28:48

are terrible. They're

28:50

all terrible. Things like,

28:52

girls, they're they're awesome. I

28:55

got we gotta listen. We're not having girls. So

28:58

she's like, what about the name of Ledger? And I was

29:00

like, no. I don't like names that are things.

29:03

You

29:04

know what I'm saying? It's

29:07

like naming your son camera. Like

29:10

just Tim is

29:12

fine. The

29:15

only thing worse than

29:17

that is a name where you'd

29:19

have to be like, it's what? Their whole

29:21

night. The the whole life late

29:23

night, you know. So anyway,

29:26

hey there, my name is Chibbs El Carique.

29:29

Dude, just so Hey

29:33

there. My name's chips Okeremake.

29:36

Tonight, we're gonna do something called

29:39

progressed Hey there.

29:41

My name is Chibs Oak Karyke.

29:44

My family bought these syllables long

29:47

ago. They had a sail an

29:49

o, k, cubes,

29:53

re, and

29:55

that's it. We

29:58

jumbled them up, and now

30:00

I'm chips O'Karae. My

30:03

son, Rea, to

30:05

chips k k, is.

30:12

Ritto chips k k. Wow. When I

30:14

woke up this morning, never thought I'd say that. Ribs

30:17

to jik k k. Anyway, dude, that's the dumbest

30:19

thing that we've ever done in this podcast. It's all good.

30:21

It was still

30:25

Dude, I was watching is still not as dumb as the hype show

30:27

on the HBO Max. I love HBO Max. HBO Max is the

30:29

hottest shit. HBO Max is the hottest shit.

30:31

I mean, every character is either you

30:35

know, gay or trans, and that's fine. But do

30:37

it when I I'm all for it. Like, AHB0

30:39

max is the shit. And they

30:42

want so there's one show called hype

30:44

on it, and they got it

30:46

has

30:48

what's his name? Offset

30:50

or whatever? Hey there.

30:52

My name is Offset. I

30:55

bought set and off at the syllable

30:57

store. It was either set

30:59

off or offset. Set off made

31:01

too much sense.

31:08

By

31:08

the way, if you wanna impress black, people just mention

31:10

the movie set it off. And they'll be like, oh,

31:13

shit. How you know set it

31:14

off? How you know that

31:16

one? I

31:18

said set it off in front of two black people

31:20

the other day and they go, are you for real?

31:25

Who hell are you? Champs O'Carrickade? So

31:30

what was I saying about the yeah. I was watching this thing and

31:33

it's basically offset is on it and then two designers

31:35

and and one is

31:37

from who made Union Los Angeles the

31:40

the brand and then the other

31:42

one who is a stylist for, like, Kaylie

31:46

Jenner and Chips O'Kara Kaye, I don't know.

31:48

And so it's a competition show

31:50

where these people just kinda

31:53

have a compete

31:56

to who's the best designer with fashion. And

31:58

you know what? Do it? Straight up. I'm

32:01

I'm actually done talking about it.

32:04

I don't I'm not doing it, dude. I don't want it.

32:06

We make up our minds as we go. I don't wanna

32:08

talk about it anymore, dude. And that's fine. Okay?

32:11

But it's a movie on HBO, a show on HBO

32:13

Max. I started watching it on the airplane and was

32:15

it was Dude, I don't wanna talk about

32:18

it. And it was o it was good. There

32:20

were moments and shit and, like,

32:23

the some of the outfits were ridiculous and

32:25

also I get but also I kinda wanna dress like

32:27

just offset, dude. Man, I wanna dress like, oh,

32:29

shit. That dude is handsome. I didn't always handsome, bro.

32:32

I just think of them as that goofy rap group.

32:35

But like, god, man. Officer

32:38

really do be killing it, man. And

32:40

he knows his fashion shit, but

32:42

I'm not talking about it.

32:49

Hi there. My name is

32:51

Chibs El Carrey Kaye. I

32:55

opened the bar, Moose McGillicuddy's. That

33:00

was a bar in that

33:02

was a bar in Pasadena, California

33:05

and I would go sometimes and I would

33:07

go and we would hang out and

33:09

one time there was the I mean, I must

33:11

have been twenty three, and there

33:13

was the hottest chick

33:16

there. And she was dancing.

33:19

And we were hanging

33:21

out dancing, I guess,

33:23

dancing at a bar. I think I was,

33:25

which didn't even sound right for me, but when I was twenty

33:27

three was a left time ago, And she

33:30

was like, I wanna hang out with you. And I was like,

33:32

what? Like, I wasn't famous

33:35

then. I was like, what? She

33:37

was like, I wanna hang out with you. You wanna go home with you? And I

33:39

was like, to where are

33:41

my parents house? Like, IIIIII

33:43

did live in my parents house anymore. But other other than Burbank,

33:45

and I was, that was driveway. I was like,

33:47

you do? And she was like, yeah.

33:50

And I was like and I actually

33:52

was like, I don't think I can and I didn't.

33:54

And why? Dude,

34:11

why didn't I? Thirty

34:16

four year old me would have smashed it into

34:18

oblivion. Twenty

34:22

three old me was a little bitch.

34:25

Was I scared? Was

34:29

she made a spiders? Dude.

34:33

So I didn't do it. Shoulda,

34:36

didn't all good. But that oh,

34:38

man. I'm talking about the the two time and then

34:40

one time I was in. Vancouver. I

34:43

was nineteen. I was at

34:45

a bar. And man, this

34:48

this woman came up to me. Older

34:50

than me and she was like, what's

34:53

up? And I mean, I'm talking about

34:55

dude, Her

35:00

figure was like hourglass.

35:04

No. It was like a

35:06

whole three hours. Right?

35:09

And I do and and I and I was like,

35:12

what's up? And she was like, take me back to

35:14

your hotel room. And I was like, and I

35:16

was shooting a movie and I was like, okay.

35:20

And she was like, let's go.

35:23

And I was like, yeah, let's go. And then

35:25

I left and didn't

35:27

do it, dude. She was not

35:29

a ten. She was a whole eleven. And

35:31

I just bitch down and I'm

35:33

just like. I

35:40

regret those two. A yes.

35:48

But we didn't do it. Why, dude? What was her

35:50

name? I don't remember, but then I saw later on in

35:52

Hollywood. She was like sup, and I was like,

35:55

sup, I'm grown now. And we

35:57

never did it. Yes, dude.

36:00

All good. We can regret things but

36:02

not that. But it's, you know,

36:04

man, if I was,

36:05

chimps, I'll carry kai. He I would have cleaned

36:08

up, dude. Imagine

36:10

how much tail you get. Your

36:12

name is chimps. I

36:15

I remember I remember I would think, like, look, obviously,

36:17

I got a lot of, you know, my I

36:19

did find in my day, but

36:23

when I was I I would

36:25

think, man, you know, the only way

36:27

I would get laid more would

36:29

be if my name I I actually thought

36:31

this was true. I

36:34

thought That's

36:36

so stupid my brain is. I

36:38

thought the only time the only time

36:41

I would get laid more the the only thing I would help

36:43

me is if my name was is

36:49

if my name was Oliver. It's

36:54

the thing I thought. And I was like,

36:56

if my name was Oliver? Dude,

36:59

just straight

37:03

up, just me,

37:07

my my my sex life, but didn't

37:10

think don't just superimposed, just

37:12

didn't think just

37:14

forget it, dude, for real. Like, might

37:17

just superimposed with

37:19

the graphs going up and me just No.

37:23

Not the one. Just absolutely

37:26

just and my name was Oliver, and then I met a

37:28

guy named Spencer once. And I was like, dude, my name

37:30

was Spencer, dude, or Oliver.

37:32

Dude, are you are

37:36

you I wouldn't even need legs because I'd

37:38

be laying down forever. It would

37:40

just be Oh

37:42

my gosh. I'd be a ride. It

37:46

would be insane. Forget it.

37:49

I could just be You know what? My whole my

37:52

name was Spencer or

37:54

Oliver. My name could have just been

37:57

horizontal. Because,

38:00

dude, that's all I'd be. Horizontal,

38:03

Aliyah, just No

38:06

legs, D'Elia. Just You don't need

38:08

them though. Why? Just

38:17

straight up, man. Bile's

38:21

done. Love it.

38:24

My favorite on the sound board, dude. Yeah,

38:29

man. It

38:31

it we're at the point where, you know what, if

38:33

you I

38:36

have such I'm so dumb, dude. There was a guy

38:38

with a clef lip in my

38:41

high school. That was like the older dude, that was like

38:43

the cool dude, and he had a cleft lip,

38:45

and he got it, the surgery, and he looked real nice

38:47

with it with the scar. And I was like, that's the guy, bro.

38:49

That's the guy that's gonna clean up. He may not clean up

38:51

now in high school. I guarantee to this dude. This

38:54

dude is gonna need to bring towels everywhere.

38:56

Wherever this guy goes because also you play soccer.

38:58

That's the dark horse spot. That's the dark horse sport

39:01

where you get the most tails soccer because it's

39:03

baseball. Yeah. Basketball. Yeah. We get it football. The

39:05

main ones but soccer dude, the chicks

39:07

go, oh, really? I don't really know it.

39:09

I don't know what. And then you got a cleft

39:11

lip dude. I

39:14

guarantee that dude is dead now because

39:16

it's too much. Anyway,

39:22

man, it's just like, dude, these are the things

39:24

these are the things I would busy myself thinking about.

39:27

This Chris

39:32

Rock special. I did not see it,

39:34

but I saw the thing

39:38

about Will Smith. Dude, went hard

39:40

in the paint. It was at the last five minutes

39:42

of the special, is what I heard. I don't know, but I just saw a

39:44

clip online. That's first of all brilliant to put

39:46

it the last five minutes because

39:48

he's, like, everyone's, like, waiting for it. And then he

39:50

did it. And he was calling, we'll split a bitch in it. And

39:52

I was, like, wow. That's hard. That's

39:54

hard as fuck. And, of course, it was shitty that

39:56

Will Smith did that. And, you know,

39:59

if you're gonna smash somebody in the in the

40:03

If you're gonna smack somebody in the face, then

40:05

do do one of best comedians in

40:07

the world. You know, he's

40:09

obviously gonna talk about it and make fun of you. So

40:13

Will Smith is weathering a few

40:15

probably weather in the storm right now. But

40:19

yeah. Yeah.

40:22

He he went hard. You guys should watch at least that

40:24

part. I didn't see the rest of it, so don't know.

40:27

Chris Rock's one of my favorites, though. And

40:29

he was I

40:33

mean, he was, like, talking

40:36

about how Will Smith would rather is the worst

40:38

recap of all time. But I'm just, like, thinking about it, like, you just

40:40

caught him a bitch and shit, and it was so funny.

40:45

And that's it, dude. And I don't wanna talk about it

40:48

anymore. And I do what I want. So but, yeah, I know people probably

40:50

gonna do. We think about the

40:51

constructions, so that's what I think about it. It was funny. He's hilarious.

40:54

And it's tough

40:56

for what do you call

40:57

it? Will Smith

40:59

now, probably because of

41:00

that I want some of the Alex Murdoch

41:04

thing. He was found guilty. Alex Murdoch.

41:06

Is it Murdoch? They say on

41:08

the documentary, they say Murdoch. And

41:11

then they also say Alec. So

41:14

it's like his name is Alex.

41:17

Merdau. And they say

41:19

Merdauk in the documentary, they add a

41:21

k and then drop the

41:24

For Alec. So it's like, dude, but it's

41:26

ALEX. No wonder this guy will fucking

41:28

wound up killing his family.

41:31

Guys got a fucking you know,

41:34

Murdo. Murdo, but

41:36

Alex Murdo. But Alex Murdo?

41:42

That's enough to start stabbing honestly. Dude,

41:45

obviously, I don't

41:47

know if he did, because got found guilty. I guess he did

41:49

it. So but dude, the fucking I

41:51

was watch a documentary with my wife and I don't

41:54

I don't like to watch those things, man. They're just so like,

41:56

they're all the same how many murder documentary

41:58

are gonna watch, you know? Like, they're every

42:00

it's like every

42:02

every every fucking day and a half,

42:04

Netflix is like, the fucking

42:07

Sam fucking Jones

42:09

murders. And you're like, who's

42:11

this guy? I think they're just making up people at

42:13

this point. It's like just a you're gonna you're

42:16

like watching the thing. You're like, is this a real guy or did

42:18

a I do this one? And it shows up picture of him.

42:20

He's got seven fingers. You're like, this is AI.

42:24

Hey, why can't AI catch up on

42:26

the finger game? This

42:28

is everybody's hands look like in in AI. This

42:30

is one hand. You

42:35

follow the AI. Nah.

42:39

Nine fingers on like an old lady. Get with

42:41

it, dude. And like a tit on the side

42:43

of her face, strong with AI. AI. AI. I get

42:45

it together, dude. So

42:50

they're making them up, dude. So

42:54

we watch him in so I kept kept

42:56

doing it with the Murdoch.

42:59

Whatever the fuck is name is. And I

43:01

kept saying like, god, he is handsome

43:04

to her, and he is so like

43:07

the ugliest guy in the world. You know? Like,

43:10

if you were to, like, scientifically figure out

43:12

the ugliest person, he would be in top

43:14

ten. Right? It'd

43:16

be him, Kenneth Brannna, and

43:19

anyone else who's pasted you with red hair. Mhmm.

43:23

You know? Like, the allgliest

43:25

guys have

43:28

kind of red hair. Yeah.

43:30

I'm talking about, dude. Like

43:32

kind of red hair and if you Do

43:35

that to their anywhere on the body that immediately

43:37

turns pink. Those are the ugliest guys.

43:41

And that guy just And then

43:43

he made two more people like that? What?

43:47

Man, if you're like a kind of ginger

43:49

and you marry a kind of ginger, Don't

43:51

procreate, dude. They're gonna

43:53

be in the top ten. So

43:57

then the kids, the kid was just, like, nuts,

43:59

so dude. And just ran I

44:01

mean, he didn't even run people over. He fucking used the

44:03

boat to kill people, which is crazy, dude. That's

44:05

so rich.

44:08

That's so rich to kill someone on

44:10

your boat. Wow.

44:14

That sucks, man. That whole thing sucks, dude.

44:16

My heart goes out to the the little the little

44:19

was it a was it in high school or was she in

44:21

college or whatever it was, man. My heart goes out to

44:23

her. That's rough, man. I don't know how these families

44:26

deal with that shit. I don't know how they deal with it. I

44:28

don't know how they deal with it, man. Like, I

44:30

cannot God

44:33

bless men. These people who live

44:35

through those things, like the families who live

44:37

through those things, They are a

44:39

special type of person. They

44:42

are a strong person. I guess you

44:44

just have to keep moving forward, but oh my

44:46

dude.

44:52

A lot of people die in Tom's eyes more. We

44:55

knew that guy was gonna die though. Right? Like,

44:57

we knew he wasn't gonna get to seventy.

45:00

He was sixty one. He was

45:02

fucking great. He

45:04

was a great actor in he

45:06

was in Steven Private Ryan. He was, like, such

45:08

a good actor, and then he would do movies where he

45:10

was, like, I don't care what the script is. What

45:14

do they pay me? You know what? I don't even care. Let

45:16

me just do it. They pay me

45:18

forty grand for for three months work

45:20

in New Zealand. And it's about a what?

45:22

A killer pumpkin? I don't give a fuck, man. I'll

45:25

go. Do I have to wear a shirt?

45:28

You know? And

45:34

then, like, there was a thing, like, in two thousand and

45:37

it did. I don't know. I I actually shouldn't talk about

45:39

that because he's Tom Sizemore and he just

45:41

died, but Tom Sizemore is he

45:44

was he was great. He was a great actor. Alright.

45:47

Pete, Tom, size more. What's

45:50

this here? This is something

45:52

one fire sent me. Who's

45:56

this guy? Jared Boyse on

46:04

on TikTok. Come

46:08

on. Won't go. Great.

46:11

haven't did it. Oh,

46:14

Chrome. It is Chrome. here

46:16

we go. It won't play for some reason.

46:18

That's great. Yes. Good. Yes. Dude,

46:21

my drunk girls thing went fucking

46:23

super viral again on

46:25

TikTok. Gibba boy can't stop on TikTok,

46:27

dude.

46:27

Watch a tough guy. Here we go. Not the only one getting

46:29

steak tonight, buddy. What's I would say, watch

46:31

a tough guy. We

46:33

fucking We talked about

46:35

it. Not

46:35

being serious. I'm trying to get some steak, but that's all.

46:37

That's all.

46:37

Who's

46:38

that have to do with me over here looking your steak.

46:40

No. I shouldn't wait, but it's good.

46:41

That's all. You got a fucking problem, dude.

46:43

Let's fucking handle this. What

46:45

has a series

46:45

for him? Who comes up to somebody

46:48

in the giant when they're getting steak? Tries

46:50

to cause problems. And no offense.

46:51

I'm not causing problems, but you're you're

46:52

in the way. Oh, I'm in the way. Yeah. Yeah. I'm

46:54

sorry my shoulders are bigger than your fucking whole

46:56

body. Smashed nobody.

46:59

I don't know. It's this guy, man. That

47:01

would you do. Yeah. Walk off. That's good.

47:03

Good. Yeah. This this who is this guy?

47:06

I

47:06

don't know. Is your buddy, want something tonight. I

47:08

don't know. I don't know him. What do you think? He comes

47:10

up to me and tells me I'm in the way of the

47:11

snake, and they call me piss with you.

47:13

Are you kidding me? How was he even better? What is

47:16

the way it doesn't matter, buddy.

47:17

Okay. That's how you got your I'm sure you're

47:19

a champion.

47:21

Yeah. How'd you know, buddy? I'm I'm a UFC champion.

47:24

Wow, dude. Oh, I gotta

47:26

watch that again. That's fucking actually

47:28

hilarious. Man,

47:31

you're in the woods. Stake bro. It's tough guy.

47:33

Not the only one getting lost a tough guy.

47:35

Not the only one getting steak tonight, buddy. What's up?

47:37

I would say watch a tough got We're

47:40

fucking serious. We talked about it. Not being

47:42

serious. I'm trying to get some steak but that's all.

47:47

It's actually so confusing

47:49

the way he's doing it. And this guy has no

47:51

idea what's happening. That's so funny, dude.

47:55

You watch that tough guy. You're not the only one getting steak tonight.

47:57

Now I'm being dead serious, man. I'm just trying to get some steak

47:59

tonight. We

48:03

gotta play more. Are there more of

48:05

these? There's so

48:07

many? Oh, let's look at more. Pro,

48:10

this guy. Jera boys. Let's

48:13

look at another one

48:14

here. Oh,

48:16

the look on this guy's face already.

48:20

Here we go. Why does it take a long time

48:22

to do it? Fantastic. I'm

48:27

pissed. Why is it

48:29

taking so long? this is great. How long is it taking?

48:32

Why is it taking so long? Yeah.

48:36

I'm on the right network, dude.

48:39

It's my WiFi, dude. I

48:41

live here. He says are you

48:43

on the right network? Who

48:46

says are you on the right network when

48:48

it's my house, dude? I

48:51

have two networks. That's true. They're both

48:53

good. Right? One of them Which one

48:55

of them which one's

48:56

bad? But what say it quiet so they don't hear it so

48:58

that no one can actually know my shit. Bad.

49:00

It's cold WiFi.

49:01

Oh, I'm on

49:02

the bad one. How's it going? Jung buck?

49:05

Hey, what's up? Not much, man. I remember

49:07

when I was your age.

49:10

Now seriously. Can you remember the time of you,

49:13

my age? Yeah, man. Yeah. Good year,

49:15

so as

49:15

well. Yeah. I will know you.

49:17

I'm I'm fifty six right now. So

49:19

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fifty six. You

49:22

never even had twenty year this Appreciate

49:25

the compliment, sir. You know, I did.

49:27

You get twenty. You get twenty?

49:29

Nine fifty

49:30

six. No, you're not. I

49:32

how would you say somebody? I

49:33

wanna course, you you know, look too many anyway.

49:35

Well, it can be fifty six.

49:37

I appreciate that, man.

49:39

I get that a lot, man.

49:40

Yeah. You

49:40

know, you you eat healthy,

49:42

you smoked dope, man.

49:44

Alright.

49:44

I'll do it for you. Yeah. Thank you, man. And

49:47

enjoy your day young buck.

49:49

You too. Thank you.

49:51

Wow, dude. I gotta follow this guy.

49:53

Okay. I'm on the bat in the WiFi. I'm not getting a good

49:55

WiFi. I'm

49:59

on good one. The

50:01

ultimate?

50:04

There's another ultimate one? Oh,

50:06

duties, Scott, he's hiding my fries? He's

50:08

gonna

50:08

hide my fries in my own house. He you're

50:11

gonna give me another one another good one from

50:15

Look at these guys, dude. These are hilarious. Let me

50:17

look at the ones who got that.

50:21

This one's got a lot of things. Alright. Let me do

50:23

this one. Here

50:25

we go. Oh,

50:26

this WiFi sucks too. It's not

50:28

doing it. Right of all, there's Jerry Boys on TikTok,

50:30

holy shit, dude. That's funny.

50:34

I'm not I gotta get on it. I gotta It's

50:36

not doing it. It's

50:38

not doing it, dude.

50:39

What? What's wrong with this WiFi? Cactus.

50:42

I'm pissed. My

50:44

computer.

50:45

I gotta get a new computer. It

50:47

hasn't been updated for like six years. Here we go.

50:49

Oh, watch a tough guy. Here we

50:51

go. Watch a pit squeak.

50:55

Wow. Oh,

50:57

watch a tough guy. Just so. Watch

51:00

a pit squeak.

51:02

I mean so dick. Just

51:05

so dick to to be doing that.

51:08

Oh, here this has one point three million. This will be

51:10

good. Wow. The guy's got the three

51:12

tattoos on his arm. You know that guy. That that's

51:14

so funny. So this one's

51:16

Jera Boy's. It's called I

51:19

don't know. It says Pipsqueak on the thing. Come

51:21

on. I'm in Pip'squeak. Who calls someone

51:23

Pip'squeak? That's so funny. You'll

51:25

watch a Pip'squeak. Here

51:29

we go, waiting for it to play for some reason. It's great.

51:34

It's great because we're waiting for it to play. It's great, dude.

51:36

Thanks for sitting with me guys. Like and subscribe

51:38

at this point

51:39

on Watch the activity. Give me

51:40

a fuck. You said watch the activity. What?

51:43

You heard me? No. Yep.

51:49

Hi, Jack. Can you move it? That's good. Yep. I

51:51

mean, so dick. Wow. That's really How

51:53

is the guy doing it so funny? Oh,

51:55

my guy is stuck in an elevator with this

51:57

guy? Okay. Here we go.

52:00

Ladies first. Ladies first.

52:04

Now I'm saying you, you can go. Ladies first. Yeah.

52:07

Wow.

52:14

Alright. There's gonna say, like, thanks lady. At the

52:16

end, that would've been amazing. Alright. Let me go.

52:18

Here's here's here's another

52:19

one. One fire sent me another

52:21

good one. Here we go. Excuse

52:23

me. Pip squeak. Told

52:26

them you? Yeah. We're calling

52:28

customer. Alright,

52:29

bro. It's not a problem. Right?

52:31

No. You can walk around, bro.

52:32

Around? Yes. Why is that?

52:35

And I'll

52:36

be sure in the waiver.

52:37

Don't call me PICC though. Nice.

52:39

You're special. Nice. Can I get around PICC?

52:46

Beat a dog. Alright. Can we

52:48

restart? No. Anyway,

52:51

bro, call me one more names. Alright.

52:53

That's squeak. I'm

52:56

just trying to get by That's all. I can get by there.

52:58

I'm gonna put you in the way. Shuck dude.

53:01

Goodbye.

53:03

Oh, come on. So, man. Can

53:05

we can we start? Can we restart? No.

53:08

Dude, that one's good. Whole

53:10

shit. Excuse me. Pipsqueak.

53:14

Totally

53:14

new. Yeah.

53:15

We're calling customer. Alright,

53:17

bro. It's not a problem, man.

53:19

No. You can walk around though.

53:21

Around? Yes. Kinda

53:23

wanna see what this guy looks like. If

53:28

you

53:28

guys gonna get laid out, he's gonna get

53:30

laid out,

53:32

That guy was huge, bro. Here

53:36

we go. I mean, this one says

53:38

fifty cent sun.

53:40

Out the way this week? I

53:42

said out out the way, pet'squeak.

53:44

Out the way,

53:45

pet'squeak. Yeah. That's

53:45

so disrespectful to night. You say the whole sentence. I'm

53:47

saying you're a pet'squeer in my way. Say,

53:49

excuse me. Alright, bro. Next

53:52

time I'll say, excuse me, pick sleep. Right? Say that

53:54

now. Alright. I don't have to move. You

53:56

see, you go with something. Right? What

53:57

are you doing? Are you shopping? You

53:59

window shot bro. Oh

54:03

my god, dude.

54:05

Out the way this week? Out the way Pip'squeak.

54:08

Out the way Pip'squeak. How do we put Yeah.

54:11

I don't get it. I'm

54:12

saying you're a pit squeaker in my way. Right. Say,

54:15

excuse me. Alright, bro. Next

54:17

time I'll say, excuse me, pit squeaker. I'd say that now.

54:20

I don't have to do. You see me doing

54:21

something. Right? What

54:22

are you doing? Are you shopping? You're

54:24

window shopping? You know? What are you doing? Are you shopping?

54:27

Are you window shopping? It's

54:29

so funny because you can hear that the guy's nerve is doing

54:32

it. Wow.

54:34

What? That guy can get laid out. He kind of deserves

54:37

too too. That's crazy. Those

54:39

are the best three. God, that first one was

54:41

fucking

54:42

hilarious. I'll

54:46

watch it again.

54:49

Watch a tough guy. Not the only one getting

54:51

steak tonight, buddy. What's up? I would say, watch

54:53

tough guy.

54:56

We talked about it. Not

54:57

being serious. I'm trying get some steak, but that's all.

54:59

That's

54:59

all. Who's that to do with me over here living for

55:02

thing. No. It

55:02

shouldn't wait,

55:03

but it's good. That's all. You got a fucking problem,

55:05

dude. Let's fucking handle this.

55:06

What's his series for him? Who

55:09

comes up to somebody in the giant when they're getting

55:11

state and tries to cause problem. And no

55:13

offense. I'm

55:13

not causing a problem, but you're you're in the way.

55:18

Oh, I'm in the way. Yeah. I'm sorry my shoulders

55:20

are bigger than your fucking who body dude. Okay,

55:22

buddy. What's your friend? The The Yeah.

55:28

Yeah. Who is this guy?

55:30

I don't know. Is your buddy, like, one something tonight?

55:33

I don't know him. What do you think? He comes back to

55:35

me and tells me I'm like, okay. He's asleep. They call

55:37

me basically dude. Are you kidding

55:39

me? How was he even Wait. Wait.

55:41

Wait. Doesn't matter, bud.

55:42

Okay. That's right. Guys, I'm sure you're

55:44

a champion.

55:45

Yep. How to know, bud? I'm I'm a UFC champion.

55:49

Oh my god. I mean,

55:52

does does your

55:53

friend want some tonight?

55:56

Also, I wanna talk about

55:58

this, dude. There's a TikTok. This guy.

56:00

So hold on. I

56:03

wanna watch some of this guy's TikToks.

56:05

You know why dogs are better than cats? Because

56:08

a cat will try to bite your hand off if

56:10

you accidentally touch it in the exact

56:12

wrong spot. But you could smack

56:14

a dog in the nose and they're like, do you

56:16

wanna play frisbee?

56:22

So people are

56:27

saying that

56:29

this guy who I

56:33

think I've met him before. I

56:35

guess he's a successful stand up comedian. People

56:39

are saying that he

56:47

he's faking the clips like he

56:51

doesn't have clips of audience members. Is

56:56

this right? No. It

57:01

can't be that who does that? I

57:05

hope he's doing that honestly to game the system

57:07

for real because these clips are so stupid

57:09

that not

57:10

his, but it's so stupid when people ever

57:12

listen to strangers conversation for

57:14

so long that you get super

57:16

into it.

57:18

For twenty five minutes, I was listening

57:20

to a girl in a coffee up cry about

57:22

her boyfriend until I

57:23

was like, excuse me, you don't know me, but

57:26

you need to leave him. I

57:29

can't believe he would treat you like

57:30

that. You are so

57:32

much better than this. He

57:35

doesn't deserve you.

57:39

Do you ever listen to a stranger's conversation?

57:41

It actually does have a weird

57:43

Doesn't it? Sound Maybe

57:47

his audiences are just fucking killer,

57:49

bro. Honestly,

57:51

if he's doing this, more power to him,

57:53

because it's so stupid. These clips on

57:56

they'll fucking post anything now.

57:58

People these crowd work clips like,

58:01

I discern the shit whether or not I post

58:03

it. It's good or not. I mean, there's so many crowd work So I'm

58:05

like, nah, this was not that good. I'm not gonna post it. People

58:07

are just like, hey,

58:09

what do you do for living on TikTok? And

58:11

then the one who's gonna be like, oh, dude,

58:14

I'm a chef and someone's like, oh, what do

58:16

you make, dude? Pussy.

58:21

And then the post would be like, yo, I'm coming

58:23

in. Fucking on the thing would be like, Buffalo

58:25

New York kept coming. Like,

58:27

I don't understand this whole TikTok thing, but

58:30

I I post only the good ones on my TikTok.

58:32

Yeah. My TikTok goes dummy viral. And yeah, you know

58:34

when I post the shit, so it goes nuts. So but,

58:36

you know, it's just like

58:39

Is this guy for is this my

58:41

buddy sent me this and he's like, people think it's a fake.

58:43

Do you

58:43

ever listen to a stranger's conversation for

58:46

so I don't care that he gained the system

58:48

good for him. If he makes a career off

58:50

this, I'll tell you

58:51

what, I'm buying tickets to his next show, and I'm being serious.

58:54

I support this kind of behavior.

58:58

I got so lonely during quarantine that

59:01

I went on a website for

59:04

adult videos And

59:07

in the search box where you type

59:09

in your

59:09

fetish, I wrote

59:13

genuine enthusiasm.

59:18

Wow. Is

59:21

it real? What do you guys think? Leave it in the

59:23

comments.

59:26

You know what? I'm gonna bleep his name out

59:28

in the podcast because I don't want people to, like,

59:33

get mad at them and stuff. Because I

59:35

actually Look at the comments, I'll

59:37

believe it. Maybe it's real. This

59:40

is funny.

59:43

Oh, I hope it gets a career for real. Maybe

59:45

everybody already has one, but this is This

59:48

is very interesting because it

59:50

sounds fake.

59:53

I am not the most confident person in

59:55

Thai World. Mhmm. I think

59:57

the serial person has got

59:59

to be the

1:00:01

guy who is in charge of

1:00:03

web design

1:00:05

at Craig's list. This

1:00:09

is real. This

1:00:11

is real.

1:00:12

That dude has never

1:00:14

second guest himself in

1:00:17

his entire life. This

1:00:25

is real, you can tell. They came to this guy

1:00:27

like, hey, we are building a brand new website.

1:00:30

It's gonna connect entire cities We've

1:00:32

been trying to figure out who we want to design

1:00:34

it. And

1:00:36

we've chosen you. You'll have a team of people at

1:00:38

your disposal. Whatever you dream up we can make

1:00:40

and the guy was like, This

1:00:43

is funny bit. Website.

1:00:53

I got it. I

1:00:56

want Mhmm. All

1:01:00

text. All

1:01:04

the same size

1:01:08

and color. I'm

1:01:14

done. There's

1:01:16

a funny bit, dude. That's real. That's

1:01:21

a funny bit. Dude, if it if it's fake.

1:01:23

Why why he can actually do

1:01:24

it. He can actually do real stand up. That's

1:01:26

funny. It's it's that's weird. That makes me think the other

1:01:28

ones are fake.

1:01:30

Interesting. That's

1:01:32

a funny bit. Guys funny. Okay.

1:01:35

Hold on. I'm going to another one. I'm

1:01:37

like deep in this now. Boy, would look at them? I'm

1:01:39

gonna I'm gonna just say I'm gonna watch you podcast as well as

1:01:41

watching this in real

1:01:42

life, I would spend hours doing

1:01:44

this. Yes. Here we go. Here's another one. You

1:01:46

ever tried to order from a restaurant, but their website

1:01:48

is so frustrating that you just give up an

1:01:51

order from somewhere else. I

1:01:53

thought I wanted sesame beef, but your

1:01:55

shopping cart system is such garbage

1:01:57

that suddenly have a craving for pizza. It

1:02:00

just tastes so easy to order.

1:02:03

Is that is that HTML five?

1:02:08

Interesting. I wonder.

1:02:10

Well, I believed his name out. Okay?

1:02:13

Ivan. I believed his name

1:02:15

out just so you don't need to know who he is. But

1:02:17

because I don't I don't know if that is fake or not. I don't wanna

1:02:19

start something. But that that was interesting. But that

1:02:21

that bit was funny. The one that's definitely live

1:02:23

is funny. So he can do it. So why would he

1:02:26

do the fake one? Maybe it is real. I don't know. Wow.

1:02:29

Yeah. So, okay. Well, look, that's that's good.

1:02:33

That's

1:02:35

good on you guys. Thank you very much.

1:02:38

Appreciate you guys. I'm gonna

1:02:40

be shooting my special. Go to

1:02:42

christy dot com to get tickets, and

1:02:45

go to christy dot com. I'll be in, you know,

1:02:48

Austin, Minneapolis. This

1:02:51

will come out when when it just come out.

1:02:53

I'll in oh, I'll be in Midland. I'll

1:02:55

be in Kansas. No. This will come out tonight,

1:02:57

Kansas City. And Tulsa,

1:03:00

which is a weird market, but I'll be in Tulsa.

1:03:03

And I got another one's coming up Columbus, Ohio.

1:03:06

And other ones in Ohio and

1:03:08

also Utah and Milwaukee. Alright.

1:03:10

That's it for the episode on YouTube. If you

1:03:12

want to get the raw uncut, the unedited

1:03:14

unedited episode, go to

1:03:17

chris patreon dot com slash

1:03:19

chrystolea, press on my Patreon, and

1:03:22

there are about twenty four episodes. That

1:03:24

are private for

1:03:26

only the Patreon people. You'll

1:03:29

get that for just six bucks and every

1:03:31

month we come out with a new episode that

1:03:33

is on on Patreon. And there's other

1:03:35

stuff to other stuff too. I was

1:03:37

talking to disc the discord on Patreon the other day.

1:03:39

We chat. Have a good time. So going over to patreon

1:03:42

dot com slash crystallia. And check

1:03:44

us out. Thanks.