0:01

Hello and welcome , mrs Couples Counseling for

0:03

Parents . They show about couple

0:05

relationships , how they work , why

0:07

they don't , what you can do to fix

0:09

what's broken . Hiya parents .

0:12

Our Dad , dr Steven Mitchell , and

0:14

our Mom Erin Mitchell .

0:17

Hello and thanks for doing us today on Couples Counseling

0:19

for Parents . I'm Dr Steven Mitchell .

0:21

I'm Erin Mitchell .

0:22

And on today's show we want to talk about how

0:25

your parenting can

0:27

be a direct influence

0:30

on your level of connection and

0:32

intimacy with your parenting

0:34

partner .

0:35

I think in a lot of ways this is self-evident

0:37

, like , of course , your parenting is

0:40

a major impact

0:42

on your relationship .

0:43

But I think in other ways it frustrates

0:45

people . Yeah , I think you

0:48

would think it's self-evident , but I think it becomes

0:50

frustrating because ? So

0:53

here's an example .

0:54

Let's give an example .

0:55

This is how it can become frustrating . Let's

0:57

say Steven is

1:00

caught in a parenting

1:02

moment with one of his kids and

1:05

in this parenting moment he says

1:09

something or interacts

1:11

with his kid in a way with

1:13

like elevated tone of voice

1:15

, a little more

1:17

intense energy maybe than he

1:19

wants to , and

1:22

Erin hears

1:25

this or sees this and

1:28

she , being

1:30

the more regulated parent

1:32

in the moment , goes whoa , whoa , whoa

1:34

, whoa , whoa . What's happening here ? And

1:38

maybe she interjects in the

1:40

moment , maybe she just lets the moment move

1:43

on . But

1:46

the moment passes . Let's say Steven

1:48

then realizes like , oh

1:50

, you know , like that's not the way I wanted to interact

1:53

with our kids . My tone

1:55

of voice , my energy , it was off and

1:57

go to you know our kid , and

1:59

say hey , I apologize , I was wrong

2:01

, that's my bad , you

2:04

know , I don't want to use that tone of voice with

2:06

you . I'm sorry if it frustrated

2:08

you or felt scary , whatever it might be , and

2:11

kind of repairs with kid

2:13

. But then what

2:16

is left is the

2:18

interaction between Steven and

2:21

Erin , because maybe

2:23

Steven walks into the kitchen and

2:25

Erin is giving

2:27

him the vibe

2:29

that there's

2:32

something going on and

2:35

in that , like I

2:38

maybe feel some confusion . Well

2:41

, my name is Steven , I don't think anyone

2:43

. I don't think anyone

2:45

out there listening is like what he

2:48

was talking about himself . So

2:51

let's say , I walk in and I'm like whoa

2:53

, like these are some very

2:55

cold vibes that I'm receiving from Erin

2:57

, and I think that this often

2:59

happens because maybe you

3:02

know , I ask , I hit what's up , what's wrong with

3:04

you , and everybody

3:06

loves that .

3:07

Yeah , what's wrong with you .

3:08

Yeah , what's your problem

3:10

? And you know , erin

3:12

responds like are you kidding

3:14

me ? Like the way

3:16

you just interacted with our kid , like I'm

3:18

upset . Like I'm upset about that

3:20

, like I wish you hadn't done that , like I

3:23

don't like it when that happens and I'm kind of like

3:25

what ? Like oh , we fit , like we're

3:27

cool , like you know

3:29

we fixed it Like we repaired , but

3:31

what hasn't happened is there's been no Okay

3:34

repair between us

3:36

, us . And then

3:38

I think that that creates a

3:40

conflict , a place

3:43

of disconnection for parenting partners , and

3:45

although you said it's like it's

3:47

pretty self-evident , I think that

3:49

this happens all the time , like Well

3:52

, we talk to couples all of the

3:54

time that are All the time

3:56

that are frustrated

3:58

with this .

3:59

I think mutually . I think

4:01

for different reasons . So we will continue

4:03

with us as the example , because this has

4:05

been us a lot of times

4:08

and I want to point out , you started the example

4:10

. I think that's very humble of you . I've actually

4:12

thought about this lately and a lot of our podcast

4:15

examples the villain is you .

4:18

The villain . Well , yeah

4:21

, I don't want to .

4:23

Villainize . Yeah , yeah , I mean it's

4:25

also true , oh yeah but what I'm trying

4:27

to say is this happens

4:29

both ways .

4:30

Yes , it does .

4:31

It happens to different .

4:33

Your often wrong Degrees . Both

4:35

Make bad , Just

4:38

bad parenting often .

4:40

This happens to both partners . I

4:42

do think , though , there is a difference . I

4:45

think typically one partner

4:47

in our relationship I have a .

4:49

You do it more than I do . In terms of the , I'm

4:52

going to come back when Stephen feels like he

4:54

has just run this joke into the grump , so

4:56

go ahead , take it away . I'm

4:59

done , I'm done .

5:00

I think one partner typically has a higher

5:02

stress tolerance for their kids

5:04

. For us , I think that's me

5:07

mostly . I think I tolerate mess

5:10

different Sure easier I tolerate just

5:13

overall chaos .

5:14

No ways , yeah , everything .

5:16

I've also typically interacted I mean honestly

5:18

, just more minutes per day with our kids , which

5:21

I think helps me understand this is where they might

5:23

be , or whatever . I just think there's

5:25

a different thought process maybe

5:28

, but I'm not sure if that part resonates . But regardless

5:30

, I have mostly

5:33

a different stress tolerance with our kids . I

5:36

think I typically flip

5:39

my lid less often with them .

5:41

I flip my lid more often with Stephen

5:43

Tell me about it when he

5:46

flips his lid with our kids . That's true .

5:48

And when I am stressed with our kids or my tone's elevated , Stephen

5:51

comes in and is less activated . That

5:54

isn't as activating for you .

5:55

Let's be clear when we say flip our

5:57

lid , we

5:59

are not talking about anything

6:02

in any way , shape or form that

6:05

would mirror or reflect anything

6:07

abusive or inappropriate

6:09

in terms of how you interact with your

6:11

kids Yelling , hitting like no

6:14

, anything .

6:15

you know , ray , or ?

6:15

anything like that . What we're talking about

6:17

is those everyday

6:20

frustrations .

6:22

Put your shoes on because I said so , yeah

6:24

, yeah .

6:25

Being a human and

6:27

those interactions that Well

6:29

, when our stress gets the best of our

6:31

humanity . Exactly .

6:34

But I do think , when I say flip to my lid , who

6:37

am I talking about ?

6:39

Dan Siegel his book Cold Brain

6:41

Child . He uses that analogy

6:43

about when you've lost when we become dysregulated

6:46

. What's happened is neurologically

6:49

we flipped our lid , which is the lid

6:51

like our frontal cortex is absent

6:53

from being engaged

6:55

, and so he kind of . It's

6:58

a really helpful term .

7:00

It is a term that our family uses all

7:03

of the time , probably

7:05

not every day , but maybe every day . But

7:07

, just like that inability to like this

7:10

doesn't need to be this big of a deal , and my response

7:12

is actually going to make this worse . Like I'm overwhelmed , like

7:14

life is overwhelmed , so yes , so

7:18

I was just pointing out like it

7:20

does happen both ways . It's a trend

7:22

to interrupt our relationship more when

7:25

you have gotten frustrated with the kids

7:27

.

7:27

That's true . That's so true Because I think

7:30

, like when I see that it

7:32

doesn't necessarily Activate

7:35

you .

7:35

Yeah , it doesn't , it doesn't I think

7:37

never , like I can't honestly think of

7:40

a little more . Yeah , I don't think I've ever . Yeah , yeah , yeah

7:42

, so yeah .

7:44

So , you know , maybe I think that's something to note you

7:46

know , maybe between you and your partner there's

7:48

a different level of activation Nonetheless

7:50

, like that

7:53

, when it happens for you

7:56

and you feel activated

7:59

by that , that interrupts our

8:01

connection , that interrupts our

8:03

level of intimacy

8:05

, and I think that there's this . Well

8:08

, I'm curious , like I

8:10

think what we've heard from other couples and

8:12

I think you would maybe reflect this

8:14

, is that it is

8:17

that idea of like . In

8:19

that moment , steven , you

8:21

seem like you're like being

8:24

threatening to the kid , like the kids

8:26

are scared or the kids are upset

8:29

or whatever it is . It

8:32

kind of puts the kids

8:34

in a bad situation and there's

8:37

a feeling of like . Why

8:39

would you do that ?

8:40

Oh for sure . I think , yeah

8:43

, I think there is something very instinctually

8:46

protective that happens in me where I say

8:48

you don't get to make

8:50

my kid worry , they're in trouble

8:52

, or anything

8:55

like .

8:57

And so I think why this becomes important .

9:00

Especially when it's you .

9:01

Yeah , especially when it's me . It's me more

9:03

often .

9:04

I might have misunderstood what you were saying .

9:05

No , no , no , I think that's a good point , I

9:07

think . Why this becomes important

9:09

is because I think that

9:12

the partner

9:14

who is the Steven in

9:16

this situation , I

9:19

think can miss the

9:21

reality that there needs to be a level

9:23

of repair between their

9:25

partner in those instances as

9:27

well , rather than I think what happens

9:30

is a level of defensiveness , Like

9:33

why are you criticizing my parenting ? Or why

9:36

are you saying like , oh , you're the perfect

9:38

parent , so you never make a mistake ? Oh , I guess

9:40

you know we just all need to be more like , whatever

9:43

happens is you

9:45

didn't actually finish that sentence , but I think that's right .

9:47

Like you , just want me to be more like you .

9:48

Right .

9:49

And then I think there's I think the most common

9:52

phrase is we hear , and honestly , from

9:54

you . I mean , it's been a long time , because

9:56

I think this is something . While

9:58

it doesn't never happen anymore , it

10:00

definitely happens less often . The intensity

10:03

is not so

10:05

big between us because we know

10:07

what needs to happen .

10:08

Sure .

10:09

It doesn't have to last that long , but I think

10:11

something early on it would be like what you heard

10:13

in me saying like please don't do that

10:15

. Like don't , like they're hungry

10:17

or that you know like they don't like those

10:19

shoes . They've said it for five straight days . Why

10:22

would like ? Why ?

10:23

would those be the only shoes you brought ?

10:25

Yeah , Whatever Is

10:28

, if you've never brought the wrong

10:30

shoes , like it feels like , like

10:33

. I'm saying I'm perfect and

10:35

I'm saying that you're always terrible

10:37

, and I think that's the defense we hear

10:39

a lot .

10:39

Yeah , yeah and that and that , that's not

10:42

what's happening .

10:44

And if that is what's happening , that is a completely

10:46

separate conversation where everyone

10:48

does need to be really reflective about

10:50

. Of course , no one's a perfect

10:52

parent . No one always does

10:54

the thing the right way . We all do

10:57

get overwhelmed or the you know the

10:59

noise is too much . And the groceries just

11:01

arrived , and all the all at once . It just

11:03

happens , but . But

11:06

how we talk about it matters a lot .

11:08

Yeah , and I think that then

11:10

also , what happens in this

11:12

I think you were kind of alluding to it a little bit too

11:14

is you can get into some

11:16

you kind of get into a parenting

11:19

differences conversation , I think , where

11:21

you begin to

11:23

again like I could get really defensive

11:26

, like I could say get really defensive

11:28

and be like , no , you know they need

11:30

to , you know they need to learn , or you

11:33

know , say , hey , you know life isn't always

11:35

easy , you know , and sometimes they're going to have people

11:37

kind of talk to them in a rough way

11:39

and they got to figure out how to , you know , deal

11:41

with that , and these are the things that

11:44

begin to happen . And then it does

11:46

begin to be about Parenting

11:48

, parenting and difference . And then , and

11:51

really I think one of the ways

11:53

to think about this as parenting partners is

11:55

what you're talking

11:57

about . Why this all matters is because

11:59

you're talking about your

12:02

connection with your partner and

12:04

that our parenting

12:06

and how we parent causes

12:10

it like influences how we

12:12

think and feel about our partners

12:15

100% . So when I see

12:17

you , know you , aaron , like , interact

12:19

with our kids and a loving kind

12:22

, just you

12:24

know , really like wonderful way

12:26

, that causes

12:28

me to feel good

12:30

about you . Oh

12:32

, similarly as a person , right ?

12:34

I mean some of , I think , the times

12:36

when I feel like filled

12:39

with love for Stephen , especially now

12:41

as parents but I mean honestly even before

12:43

would be seeing with him , him with kids

12:45

. But now , as parents , like

12:48

watching something , like

12:50

I , even look through pictures of Stephen with our kids

12:52

. I was literally doing that this afternoon

12:54

.

12:54

I shot at this picture .

12:56

I mean , it was just them sleeping .

12:57

Oh , that's right .

12:58

Two of our three of them , two of our kids and Stephen sleeping

13:00

in them , and I mean they're just like a pile . Everyone's just

13:02

on top of .

13:03

Stephen , the sleep pile .

13:04

Yeah , and it melts

13:06

me . I'm like you're my favorite person

13:09

in the whole entire universe . And

13:11

I'm so glad they have you and like , yes

13:13

, it I mean it definitely builds connection

13:15

and movement towards intimacy

13:18

.

13:19

And I think this is why it really matters , Because

13:21

if you see your partner treat

13:24

your kids in a way that feels

13:26

good and supportive and connective

13:28

, you say , oh

13:31

, that means they

13:33

can do that with me . But

13:35

if you see your partner treat your kids

13:37

in a way that doesn't feel connective

13:40

, but feels dismissive or harsh

13:42

or too intense , whatever it is , then

13:44

it's like , oh no , that's how

13:46

they treat me or

13:49

that's how they might treat

13:51

me , and it begins to . It

13:53

begins to really influence

13:56

how partners communicate

13:58

with one another . And so from

14:01

the end of I think what it ends up

14:03

doing is the

14:06

errands in the story can become more

14:08

rigid and the Stevens in the

14:10

story can become more defensive

14:12

, because I think the errands

14:14

in the story say , hey , don't

14:17

treat our kid like that Well , you will not . You

14:20

better not do that . You need to start doing this

14:22

. And then it's start monitoring the parenting

14:24

and start monitoring all the interactions

14:26

in a way that is to

14:29

protect , quote

14:31

, unquote , protect . And

14:33

what that means for the Stevens

14:35

is that defensiveness , that doubling

14:37

down on you know what , like

14:39

don't tell me how to parent , like

14:42

you know why , you know you do

14:44

the same thing , you know all these kinds

14:46

of things , and I think that

14:49

that just is you know , traveling

14:51

down a road you don't wanna go .

14:53

I think in a way . I think about this is very

14:56

often when we see this , because there's

14:58

a triangle now right , like where they're

15:00

supposed to be , just like us , and then our

15:02

kids are like with us and like it's us and

15:05

we're here , and but now I think

15:07

the errands in this . See you

15:10

the Stevens is a barrier to

15:13

connection

15:15

with my kids . Yeah , like you are

15:18

something I have to monitor

15:21

. You are something that needs monitoring

15:23

, and I think opposite

15:25

. I think the Stevens in this scenario feel

15:28

like our kids are a barrier

15:30

to our connection . Yeah , exactly

15:32

, and so like there are the stress

15:34

that must be like , taken care of and contained

15:37

, so that we can get back to being close

15:39

and connected , and I'm like no , you're the

15:41

problem . Like the way you handle our

15:43

kids is something that needs to be contained

15:46

.

15:47

And so this is why it is really important

15:49

for you , as partners , to

15:51

figure out how you

15:53

want to parent , to try to be

15:55

on the same pages

15:59

, relatively close , in terms of parenting

16:01

and parenting styles , not

16:05

because it is all about

16:07

how it influences your

16:09

relationship .

16:10

And I think this is another thing where things get

16:12

sticky . You do need

16:14

to have the same parenting style approach

16:17

. Implementation is something

16:19

that is so unique .

16:21

That is a key

16:23

distinction .

16:24

Because Steven and I are never .

16:26

Say it again you need to be on the same page

16:28

in terms of parenting style approach

16:31

.

16:32

I think it's fundamental to having a healthy

16:34

family interaction , both as a couple

16:37

, parents , all of it , the whole thing .

16:39

An approach means . This is our perspective on

16:41

kids . This is our perspective on

16:43

what our kids need . This is

16:45

our perspective on how we want to

16:47

foster a relationship with our kids

16:49

. Those kind

16:52

of fundamental things

16:54

and then parenting

16:56

style approach . Same page , but the

16:58

implementation . How you

17:00

.

17:00

it's nuanced , and

17:03

that doesn't mean you because we

17:05

do things I mean . The example I constantly

17:07

use , which is the most ridiculous example ever

17:09

in the whole universe , is the finger puppets .

17:12

Oh , you've mentioned the finger puppets .

17:14

I will forever , because it was the first time I noticed

17:16

like this is important to me . Finger

17:19

puppets make our baby laugh . Use

17:21

the finger puppets . Like Aaron

17:24

, I'm going to sit down with you and level . It's been

17:26

two weeks . If you're asking for me to use the finger puppets

17:28

. And do you want to know when I'm going to use the finger ? Puppets .

17:30

Never .

17:31

I am never going to use the finger puppets .

17:33

Yeah , and I think the approach

17:35

, the idea being like you know , the approach

17:38

being like you know what

17:41

kids you know they need , is they need that engagement

17:44

and they need that play and they need that attention

17:46

from a parent . They need that joy and

17:48

delight .

17:49

And I'm like you have never heard a belly

17:51

laugh till you've heard the finger puppet belly

17:53

laugh , and so the approach .

17:56

we have the same air and I have the same thought .

17:58

Yeah , you're like , I totally agree .

18:00

But I will never implement

18:02

that approach through the use of finger puppets

18:05

.

18:05

And you said I'm never going to

18:07

do that . It's not interesting to me . I

18:09

wouldn't be fun for the baby because I wouldn't

18:11

be having fun . You think it's hilarious . Because you think

18:13

it's hilarious , I might implement

18:16

it by like making funny faces

18:18

or wrestling around or you know kind

18:20

of .

18:20

you know whatever it might be

18:22

and

18:25

that is such a significant distinction

18:28

. That's big stuff

18:30

here .

18:30

But and I think that that isn't I mean , that's obviously

18:32

much easier said than done

18:34

, kind of , but it does take some

18:37

proaction , not in the heats of these

18:39

moments , the heats of

18:41

these moments , the heated moments .

18:43

I also said that it takes some proaction in

18:46

the heats of these moments .

18:48

I don't know how to undo that at

18:51

this point . It takes being

18:53

proactive in the heat

18:55

, not in the heat of the moment .

18:57

Oh .

18:58

OK , so sorry , you

19:01

don't work out your parenting styles when

19:04

you're frustrated , or right ? After a parent has

19:06

just elevated their tone or

19:08

just given the exasperated , like never mind .

19:11

But you can't have this perspective of

19:14

you know what . You do your own thing , I'm going to do

19:16

my own thing .

19:16

No , that's right . That causes an instant chasm

19:19

.

19:19

Because that and this is why it is

19:21

important like parenting how you parent

19:23

is so connected to

19:25

your level of intimacy and connection with your

19:27

partner , and I think that many

19:30

partners experience this level

19:32

of disconnection and lack of intimacy

19:34

, because this is one of the things

19:37

that they are .

19:38

It begins to break down .

19:39

Yeah , and they have this ideal where

19:41

you can have a different approach

19:44

and you

19:46

should be , you know you should be OK , and

19:48

it's like no , I really do think you need to have the

19:50

same approach , but how you implement it can

19:52

be different , and that's and

19:56

I think you know back . So back to the

19:58

example , right ? I

20:01

think where this comes into play again

20:03

is like so , from Aaron and I's

20:05

approach , like with my listen

20:08

to us .

20:08

We're all over the place .

20:10

Not very good with the English language you

20:12

.

20:12

I am never good with he's a moment

20:14

, whatever .

20:15

Yeah , sorry , you

20:18

know what we mean . And the

20:20

idea of the approach is

20:22

Aaron and I are in the

20:24

same page , you know , like we

20:26

don't want to be interacting with

20:28

our kids from a dysregulated

20:31

place . That is not beneficial

20:33

for anyone , and

20:35

so in that , in

20:38

that moment , really , what we're talking

20:40

about is

20:42

oh , you know what , like , what

20:45

Aaron is noting in me is like , hey , you're

20:48

not , you're not coming with the approach that

20:50

we talked about , or the approach that we agreed

20:52

on , or kind of where we like

20:55

, where we want to come from as parents . And I

20:57

don't have to be defensive about that because

20:59

I can say , you know what , like I

21:01

agree with you on the approach and I and I missed

21:03

it . I don't need to , I don't need

21:05

to be like , oh no , me coming

21:07

with an elevated tone of voice

21:09

and a level of intensity is

21:12

exactly the approach that we

21:14

want . We want to take with our

21:16

kids .

21:16

I can be like oh yeah , like you did yesterday

21:18

, right . I mean , you said the same thing , right

21:21

, but I okay . So I think to some extent we've

21:23

talked about this before and I think this is where a

21:25

playful for us that always works with

21:27

humor , I think always is

21:29

right to , playfully or with

21:31

humor , say some sort of cue

21:33

, to pause the moment , to say you

21:36

are not where you mean to be right now . Yeah , like

21:38

yeah would you like for me to step in ? Or

21:42

sometimes that alone is like whoa , I

21:44

am not where I want to be . Guys , I'm so sorry , and

21:46

you can flip it right then , and that's situation dependent , but

21:49

like knowing that cue , so you can stop right

21:52

then .

21:52

Yeah , it's really important .

21:55

But I think what you were talking about earlier , I think , is the second really important

21:57

part , and there's only , I think , only one

21:59

more . But coming repairing

22:01

, do the repair work there .

22:03

With the kit , with our kit . Yes , go

22:05

repair .

22:06

And I think it's important that I

22:08

don't . The errands in this don't need

22:10

to see that it's

22:12

fine if they do , but like

22:14

it's not something like I need to be a part of this

22:16

either way , but

22:19

I do need to know about it . But

22:22

then also repair has to happen here

22:24

.

22:24

Yeah , yeah , like , hey , like , and

22:27

I think repair could be as simple as this , because

22:30

in the moments that we've had where

22:33

this has happened , I think maybe

22:35

tell me if this is right or not . I

22:37

think what happens is there might

22:39

be like I might come back and

22:41

be like , hey , you were

22:43

right . Like

22:46

thanks for saying something , or thanks

22:48

for giving me kind of the look , or thanks

22:50

for you know , like I was

22:52

not being

22:54

my best self . I

22:56

appreciate that . Sorry , thanks . I've talked

22:59

to you , know so-and-so about it

23:01

and that's worked out Like

23:03

that kind of , because

23:05

that would feel like a repair to

23:08

me in terms of acknowledging

23:11

what had happened .

23:12

Totally . I don't think I mean that you were

23:14

right .

23:16

Well , it didn't have to be a , you were right

23:18

, but that's something I might say .

23:20

I think that's again . I think that's a couple specific

23:22

. I think you need to know each other's stories . I think it would

23:24

. I think it's always helpful to know . Like

23:26

I was super stressed . And

23:28

it was like the 49th thing , and it was

23:31

like you know I've been . I keep

23:33

using the shoes , example , but I'm just gonna keep going

23:35

with it but like all

23:37

their shoes are in the car , because all of their shoes are

23:39

always in the car and these were the shoes that were there

23:41

and it just was too much and it was

23:43

like context . Again , explanations

23:45

aren't excuses , but explanations are like

23:47

oh yeah , you're a person who has feelings

23:50

and I remember that now , and that is really frustrating

23:52

and that's totally happened to me whatever

23:54

. But then I think the other

23:56

thing is . I think when this is thematic

23:58

, when this feels like it keeps happening

24:01

, there has to be like and

24:03

this is what we're going to do to

24:05

change it , or like I'm going

24:08

to start .

24:09

We've gotta get in line with our parent . Like

24:12

it's not enough to just Theoretically

24:14

, we agree on the approach but , like in the implementation

24:17

, like there's sort of a repeated , like operation

24:20

outside of the approach

24:22

. I think that that is where there has

24:24

to be some difference and some

24:26

accountability and some like okay

24:29

, like you were saying , what are we going to do ?

24:31

Yeah , like anyone

24:33

. Well , I would

24:35

love to hear your comments on this , but like

24:37

we can all relate to us

24:39

having something . That is the thing , like

24:41

it's for me

24:44

. I don't really get all that overstimulated

24:46

, but when I do , and then there's music

24:48

and then there's a mess , and

24:50

then there's another mess and then all

24:53

the dishes are still in the sink and then the

24:55

lunchboxes are still in the bags and whatever it

24:57

just for me it stacks up . I think

24:59

that's true for all of us . It's just those happen to be

25:01

my thing . I get

25:03

that when I see that that happened for you . Like

25:06

you had a really stressful day at work . You came in

25:08

the house is a disaster . We

25:10

all are running late . We were supposed to have already done

25:12

five things and we're minutes

25:14

behind and we're gonna be late , whatever all the things

25:16

, and we can relate to that

25:18

Like we're all people . It's not . We're

25:21

not asking for relational perfection

25:23

. I want you to be a perfect parent all the time

25:25

but , I , do want to know we're

25:28

taking accountability by not just acknowledging

25:30

it , but by having a plan .

25:31

And then doing something , yeah , yeah , yeah . I think that's really important

25:33

.

25:34

I want to know that you're working on

25:36

something to proactively reduce stress

25:38

, so you don't walk in and at 11 already You've

25:41

been around us for 30 seconds and you're already mad or

25:43

whatever , and vice versa . I

25:46

think you've asked for that of me . Like I

25:48

need you to take some time

25:50

, Like take a walk , have

25:52

lunch with that friend whatever it is , but do the

25:54

things that help

25:57

. Or

26:00

talk to someone . Go

26:02

get a therapist , resolve that issue . You

26:04

lose your patience too quickly . Work

26:07

on that Like I think those are the

26:09

more you know

26:12

that's an expensive option but it is

26:14

something that I think a lot of us need to

26:16

do is to process some of

26:18

these things .

26:19

Yeah , and I think one of the things to

26:22

think about , you know , oftentimes people think

26:24

about well , we need to do this for our kids , and

26:26

I think that that is very true , but also

26:29

you need to do it for your relationship

26:31

. Like like you're , like I

26:34

so often times like . think

26:36

about wanting to be a good

26:39

parent , not just for the sake of your

26:41

kids , but for the sake of your relationship

26:43

with your partner , because when

26:45

you are parenting , like in

26:48

sync and

26:50

like in a way that

26:53

feels good to you both , like you

26:55

will feel more connected as

26:57

a couple .

26:59

I think it's again and I've said it . I

27:01

was whispering it under you , but

27:04

also for yourself .

27:05

Yeah and for yourself .

27:06

I mean , we parent our kids out

27:08

of how we parent ourself . You know , our

27:10

external voice is our internal voice

27:12

and just as a person , we

27:15

deserve that kindness too , we deserve , and

27:18

our best self is our best partner

27:20

is our best parent . It is all

27:22

of those things .

27:23

And so I think that you know the idea

27:26

here is .

27:27

Our whole self maybe not best self , our whole

27:29

best self .

27:30

Yeah , yeah think about parenting

27:33

as vitally

27:36

important to the wellness of your kids , to

27:39

the wellness of your whole self and

27:42

to the wellness of your partner relationship

27:44

. Today's show was produced

27:46

by Aaron and Steven Mitchell . If you're enjoying the podcast

27:48

, please hit the follow button and leave us

27:51

a rating . This helps our content become more

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visible to others who might enjoy it and

27:56

it lets us know how we can keep improving the show . And

27:59

, as always , we're grateful for you listening

28:01

. Thanks

28:03

so much for being with us here today on Couples

28:05

Counseling for Parents , and remember

28:08

, working on a healthy couple relationship is

28:11

good parenting .