0:01

Hello and welcome , mrs Couples Counseling

0:03

for Parents . They show about couple

0:05

relationships , how they work , why

0:07

they don't , what you can do to fix

0:10

what's broken . Hiya parents Our

0:12

Dad Dr Steven Mitchell and our

0:15

Mom Erin Mitchell .

0:18

Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling

0:20

for Parents . I'm Dr Steven Mitchell , I'm Erin

0:22

Mitchell and on today's show

0:24

we want to address

0:26

a question that we get

0:28

all the time

0:30

from couples , which

0:32

is what do we do when

0:35

our relationship feels

0:37

one-sided ?

0:39

So I think this question

0:41

is so important because

0:44

I think most

0:47

, if not very , very

0:49

many , couples experience this at

0:51

some point along their

0:53

couple relationship .

0:54

The feeling that the relationship's

0:57

one-sided yes .

0:59

And I think that this can be one of those ongoing

1:01

perpetual problems . But I also think this can be sort

1:03

of situational .

1:06

So there's a

1:08

ton of good terms that you just introduced

1:10

in there Situational problems , perpetual problems

1:12

. Maybe it would be helpful

1:15

. So this is what we mean

1:17

by when one partner feels

1:19

like the relationship is one-sided

1:21

. And it might

1:23

look something like this A couple

1:25

comes in and

1:28

they say Steven

1:30

and Erin , we are struggling . Our

1:32

relationship is taken

1:35

a nosedive because I

1:39

, let's say , erin comes in and she says

1:41

I feel like the relationship

1:43

is one-sided , I feel like I do everything

1:46

and Steven doesn't do

1:48

anything . And

1:51

then what Erin might proceed to say is

1:53

I take care of the kids

1:56

, I take care of the house , I

1:58

go to work , I plan our social

2:00

calendar , I

2:02

do everything

2:05

, and there's a really

2:07

long list . And then Steven hears that

2:09

and he obviously

2:12

offers the rebuttal of you

2:14

don't do everything , I do a lot . And

2:17

then I start listing off the things that I

2:19

do I

2:22

take care of the kids , I go to work , I

2:24

take care of the maintenance

2:26

on the house , I do our finances

2:29

, I blah , blah , blah

2:31

, blah , blah , blah . And what

2:33

happens is there's this instant

2:35

cycle of

2:37

criticism and defense

2:40

. There's one partner , the

2:42

I'm doing everything partner , and then

2:44

there's this other partner whose characterizes

2:46

the do nothing partner , and

2:49

it just goes back and forth

2:51

, back and forth . Would that be an accurate

2:54

?

2:55

I think that is one very accurate way

2:57

this is felt . I think

2:59

another I think accurate

3:01

way this is felt is by the couple . That's like

3:03

we're both pulling our weight . Everyone's

3:06

doing something . You're doing your thing

3:08

, I'm doing my thing , but there's really

3:10

nothing between us and I'm the only one that

3:12

feels like . I feel

3:14

like I'm the only one trying , or like .

3:16

I'm like hey , maybe we should do

3:19

this or that Maybe we should go to

3:21

therapy together , maybe we should read this book

3:23

together , or initiating Like I miss

3:25

you .

3:26

But , nothing really seems to be coming

3:29

back from the other side . I think that

3:31

is another very common way things feel

3:33

one-sided .

3:34

And I think there . So I would kind of

3:37

characterize those as there's maybe one

3:39

who's kind of saying the

3:41

task or the division of labor

3:44

within the

3:46

household feels one-sided

3:48

, and then there might be another explanation

3:50

of sort of the emotional weight

3:53

of the relationship feels one-sided

3:55

, where I feel like I'm the one initiating connection

3:58

, emotional conversations , maybe

4:00

even intimacy . I'm

4:02

the one who's monitoring , like

4:04

how are we doing , trying to take that temperature

4:07

and then trying to , like , help our relationship

4:09

grow , and then I mean

4:11

sometimes that's a combination of both

4:13

the person who feels like they're doing all the division of labor

4:15

.

4:16

Those kids , those can have crossover . I don't think

4:18

, though , that they necessarily do Right

4:21

, right , right right .

4:23

And so that's a . That

4:25

is kind of how that scenario sounds

4:28

. And then you said I think that

4:30

these conversations can

4:32

come up as situational problems

4:35

or perpetual problems

4:37

. Those are concepts from our I

4:40

was going to say our good friend , but they're

4:42

not our good friend . I don't know why .

4:44

I was saying that For people we respect .

4:45

Yes from the well-known relationship

4:49

researchers that we have no

4:51

relationship with the

4:54

Gottmans and

4:56

they talk about that . What do you want to

4:58

define with those ?

4:59

No , I don't . I feel

5:01

like you . You want me , yes .

5:04

It's not that you don't want to define them , you

5:06

just don't want to be the one .

5:08

It's not that I don't want them to find . I would like for you

5:10

to define them .

5:11

Okay , because you think I would interrupt

5:13

you .

5:13

I do .

5:15

As you man , I

5:17

hate to say . I think you're right .

5:19

Yes .

5:20

I , I and I .

5:22

I , you say I am .

5:24

I know , I know , I know . So

5:26

, yeah , so the Gottmans described

5:29

conflict

5:31

or problems in terms of situational

5:33

things or perpetual

5:35

problems . So a situational problem might be

5:37

we're having a conflict around

5:40

a particular decision or a

5:42

particular stage of our life

5:45

. You know we're we're

5:47

arguing about finances

5:50

right now , or we are

5:52

arguing about whether we should move

5:55

, or we're arguing about

5:57

a tough dynamic or relationship . It

6:00

kind of a situational thing . A perpetual

6:03

conflict generally

6:05

relates to conflicts

6:07

that are related to your personality

6:09

, to your attachment patterns

6:12

, to sort of deep-seated

6:14

qualities

6:17

of who we are as human beings that

6:20

aren't going to change necessarily

6:22

. They might , they're

6:26

going to change , but they're never going to disappear . Let's

6:28

put it that way , because our attachment styles can become

6:30

more or patterns can become more

6:32

secure and those kinds of

6:34

things , but there's still

6:37

things in our relationship that

6:39

are just going to be there because that's who we

6:41

are , so like a perpetual

6:43

and you learn how to address them .

6:45

It's not like oh , we just have to accept them and pretend

6:47

they aren't there .

6:48

You learn how to talk about them . I just interrupted you . That's

6:51

okay , I'm fine with it . I know I interrupt

6:53

you , so you know it's kind of

6:55

like .

6:57

See , they're half . Yeah , that's what you get .

6:59

Gotcha , but it's kind

7:01

of like so I'm more avoidantly

7:03

or dismissively attached . That

7:06

can change , but also

7:08

I'm going to have a trend throughout

7:11

our whole relationship of being avoidantly

7:13

and dismissively attached and that's going to

7:15

create particular conflicts that

7:17

we just have to learn how to navigate

7:20

and work through in an effective

7:22

way .

7:22

Yes . So what I was meaning

7:25

when I said that great job , Well done

7:27

.

7:27

Thank you .

7:27

I like your definition .

7:30

I think a lot of times I mean we are talking

7:32

, I think perhaps some of you are

7:34

not parents and you're sort of wondering

7:36

about this whole world or you just are interested

7:38

in growing your relationship , but a lot of times I think

7:40

the couples listening to this , the couples we are

7:42

interacting with , are parents and

7:45

I think that parenting is one of those

7:47

contexts that can

7:50

feel like we just got to make

7:52

it through this season , or like I'm

7:54

thinking about us honestly . So what we've been

7:56

doing is this question Well , when

7:58

and I think this happens so

8:01

often when a couple has a kid , there's

8:03

this idea of like hey , this , probably

8:06

18 months is going to be tough , we're

8:08

both learning a lot , we're both not sleeping

8:10

enough , we're both probably pretty overwhelmed

8:13

.

8:13

Yeah .

8:14

Trying to find ourselves

8:16

, learn this routine , find a family

8:18

rhythm , like all these things , and

8:21

I think that the way we do

8:23

that is both a

8:25

perpetual problem and a situational problem

8:27

. So I think that some of the ways you get through stress

8:29

is you get through stress . You

8:31

do the stress Like we ?

8:33

got to wake up , lock it down

8:35

, withdraw a little bit , just start

8:37

doing stuff yeah .

8:38

Because stuff has to get done , I

8:40

can do it . Here we go and

8:43

I , in stress , am like hey , if we

8:45

have to do this really hard , stressful thing , like let's

8:47

make sure we're in this together and like let's make

8:50

sure we're talking about , and there's nothing wrong

8:52

with that . I'm kind of saying it in a

8:54

single voice .

8:54

Yeah , without , but like .

8:57

But I'm like let's slow it down . Let's

8:59

make sure we're like together on every

9:01

step and do this thing together

9:03

. And those two things aren't

9:06

immediately compatible .

9:08

Well , and this is where they can feel one-sided

9:10

right , where you feel like , in the midst

9:12

of this challenging time , I'm

9:15

sitting here taking care of the emotional

9:18

part of the relationship .

9:19

Yeah , erin's like .

9:20

I'm checking in , let's stay connected , let's

9:23

talk about how we're feeling about what's happening

9:25

, and then I can feel like I'm

9:27

taking care of , like the logistics side of things

9:29

, like , look , I'm getting the stuff

9:32

done , yes , and then

9:34

I'm not sitting here , not trying to take

9:37

care of us to be present to like I'm

9:39

trying to help

9:41

us , I'm trying to get us to this destination

9:44

where we can come back and reconnect . And

9:47

.

9:47

I think a lot of times couples in

9:49

that context both

9:51

feel like the relationship is one-sided .

9:53

Exactly .

9:53

And they feel like that .

9:56

But I do think once we

9:58

have this conversation probably like two or

10:00

three conversations in turns

10:02

out both partners are feeling like I

10:06

am doing my best with what

10:08

I know how to do and how to do it

10:10

, because when couples approach

10:12

this they're not like , hey , I'm going to be really

10:15

task oriented and I'm going to get a bunch of stuff done and

10:17

in 18 months I'll check back in Like that's not

10:19

how it Right ? No one knows that's what they're doing

10:21

. It's just what they've

10:24

learned and adopted to doing . But

10:26

don't you think it's like two or three conversations in , or so

10:28

? Yeah , yeah or not even that long

10:31

always .

10:32

And then I think how that the kind

10:34

of the Erin , the

10:37

gripe between the two is so like Stephen's

10:39

gripe would be Erin

10:42

isn't helping me , she's

10:45

not doing Like

10:48

, she's saying it's a one-sided relationship , she's

10:50

doing everything but she's not like doing

10:53

all the task . And

10:55

you might , your gripe towards Stephen

10:58

might be like , hey , you're

11:00

not doing anything

11:02

to help tend to the

11:06

relationship in the midst of

11:08

this stress , and

11:10

does that make Like ? Would you agree with that ?

11:12

Yeah , I think I'm stuck on the word gripe .

11:15

Oh , let's use a different word .

11:16

Well , you just mean like conflict or hurt .

11:19

Yeah , like the sticking point .

11:21

Okay .

11:22

The thing that the partner , the energy

11:24

, the negative energy we're feeling

11:26

between each other is . I'm like , oh , you know , erin's

11:29

not doing anything to like help , this

11:31

is so one-sided . And you're like , oh , stephen's

11:34

not doing anything to help in the midst of this

11:36

stress , this is so one-sided

11:38

.

11:40

I think that's probably true . I think the way I would say it

11:42

, which may be exactly the same , but just my own

11:44

language . I don't . It's hard for me to know .

11:47

Use your own language .

11:47

Go ahead . I hear the Stephen

11:49

say it , or at least the way I've interpreted . What

11:51

you say is that

11:56

I am

11:58

tired of being characterized as not being a part

12:01

of this relationship , Like

12:03

I- .

12:04

Like being told I'm not doing anything .

12:05

Yeah , like or that , I don't care about

12:07

us or that I'm not working to

12:09

connect with you or take care of us or that you're

12:12

in this alone . That like . I can't

12:14

understand how you could possibly feel like

12:16

this is a one-sided relationship when I

12:18

feel like I wake up and

12:20

every breath of my day is for

12:22

our family .

12:23

Yeah , like all I feel like I'm doing

12:25

is caring for the family by all the stuff

12:27

I'm doing .

12:28

Yes , Now am I offering

12:30

presence and engagement . I think- .

12:32

Absolutely not no .

12:34

But I think that they can't acknowledge that until they feel like

12:36

they're acknowledged and like you do see

12:38

what I am doing right ?

12:40

Well , I mean to be honest , I mean because

12:43

, yeah , we have had this conversation

12:45

and I think for myself Just once , just

12:48

one time .

12:49

That one time . Remember that time .

12:51

And we worked through it and you know what ? It's

12:53

been great ever since . No , but

12:56

I think , yes , we've had this

12:58

conversation a lot , and I think for

13:00

myself , in that stressed

13:02

place of constantly being focused on

13:04

the task and things like that , like

13:07

I'm actually not aware that

13:09

I'm disengaged , oh no , or that I'm not

13:11

involved , but I

13:13

didn't know that initially . Yeah

13:15

, yeah , and I don't say that as an excuse either . Oh no , I know

13:17

, I'm just saying like yeah .

13:19

Yes , but I think that that is why knowing

13:21

it's a perpetual problem is

13:23

helpful .

13:24

Right right .

13:25

Because that is what you are going to do in stress . So

13:27

we will have to , at each age and stage

13:29

of our family's development , have this conversation

13:32

again , because I will have to say we've

13:34

lost you .

13:36

Well , and then I think the opposite

13:38

gripe .

13:38

Is that what you were gonna say ?

13:39

Well , yeah , I just think from my end . I think

13:41

so when

13:43

you are taking care of our relationship by

13:48

checking in and wanting

13:51

to have some of those more

13:53

like emotional

13:55

and just communicative and

13:57

general , like human interaction kind

13:59

of check-ins

14:03

, like let's talk about this , like what

14:05

are you thinking ? What are you feeling , whereas I'm sort

14:07

of locked into just doing stuff , I

14:10

think initially , but

14:13

because I didn't understand that that's

14:15

your way , of

14:17

like , dealing with your stress , and then also

14:20

, checking in . And it's really useful . We really

14:22

need you . That's a really

14:24

useful thing .

14:24

Well , I think this is important . Both are really useful

14:26

, right , both yeah

14:28

?

14:29

There isn't a bad way here , it's just

14:31

being able to know

14:33

and make some choices and not just react

14:35

to these and to perceive one

14:37

another's care yes , and

14:39

the right , like because I would , I

14:41

would , you know , in some ways I would perceive

14:44

that as kind of a miss

14:46

, or like an interruption , or like that's not important

14:48

right now , like we can't , like

14:50

that's not gonna help us get through whatever

14:52

it is we're trying to get through , but

14:55

then also recognizing , oh no , like no

14:58

, it really will , like we need both of these

15:00

things and me just appreciating

15:03

and accepting that influence

15:05

from you and that yes , and

15:07

I think the opposite gripe hurt

15:10

area of whatever concern

15:12

is from the Aaron side of being like

15:14

I'm not trying to say you're

15:16

doing nothing , except I think sometimes

15:18

Aaron has said what

15:22

you're doing isn't what I need , Isn't

15:25

?

15:25

I think it can be dismissive . I know I have

15:27

been dismissive of those things in the past from

15:29

a hurt place , which again isn't an excuse

15:32

. That is the explanation of why I dismiss

15:34

or minimize what you

15:36

are doing , cause I feel like , well , great , we're

15:38

gonna arrive 18 months later the most

15:40

well-prepared people , but pretty

15:42

much feeling disconnected and like we don't know each

15:44

other at all .

15:46

And I think that that's my dismissive

15:49

part is to say none of that stuff's important

15:51

, Like what's important

15:54

is just to get this stuff done and like that's how we

15:56

end up .

15:56

Like you end up missing one another and I

15:59

think this is why nervous systems matter , because

16:01

I don't think either of us is actually trying to say what

16:03

the other one's doing doesn't matter , but

16:05

how we are perceiving what the other one is doing

16:07

is threatening , because I'm saying I

16:09

don't wanna just make it there . I'd like

16:11

to feel like we think this is a special

16:14

connective time and

16:17

I think you're saying we can't

16:19

just sit around and like coot

16:21

a baby .

16:23

We have to like make sure there's that

16:25

is good too .

16:26

I mean whatever . I know what you mean .

16:28

Yeah , of course . Of course

16:31

there's plenty of that , but like also Stephen

16:33

doesn't like babies . We have to like put

16:36

the electricity things

16:38

in there . The house has to be baby-proofed because

16:40

this little person's gonna be moving soon and they can't be

16:42

sticking their finger in an outlet Like whatever .

16:44

I'm grasping at examples here

16:46

but , that's sort of the idea of like there

16:50

are some things that need to be done to care for this

16:52

human , including going to work

16:54

paying our bills Well , and

16:56

I think that there is a reality where

16:59

oftentimes

17:01

in the conversation , where one

17:03

, when someone's saying the relationship

17:05

, feels one-sided , I

17:07

think the underlying thing

17:10

is both partners are not feeling

17:12

appreciated and understood and

17:14

seen and valued for

17:17

what they're doing . I

17:20

do think like fundamentally , there

17:23

might be a well

17:26

there is . There's a situation where there probably is

17:28

inequity , where maybe one partner , maybe

17:30

the partner , is carrying all of the task

17:33

load and all of the emotional

17:35

load . Like that is there

17:38

isn't inequity there , Like that

17:40

should be addressed .

17:42

Well , it has to be , Because no emotional

17:44

equity is going to be enough

17:46

. If it feels like there isn't an equitable

17:49

division , like if I'm carrying all the

17:51

tasks , but you're checking on me

17:53

. That doesn't feel loving

17:55

either .

17:56

Well , one . I think that where couples get

17:58

stuck is they get stuck on

18:01

not valuing

18:03

one another . And

18:05

if you can value one another and say

18:08

, look , I'm not trying to say you're

18:10

not doing anything , that what you're doing

18:12

isn't important , it

18:16

is if you can get to that place

18:18

, then you can have the other conversation

18:20

. If there is an inequity about

18:22

like , so how do we balance this ? Because

18:25

I do feel that there's an inequity and

18:27

so I think that that's important and

18:29

equity also doesn't have to mean 50-50

18:32

.

18:32

I think one of my favorite conversations I've

18:34

been hearing a lot lately in the relationship world is

18:37

relationships aren't 50-50 all the

18:39

time . No , but

18:41

they have to be agreed upon

18:43

whatever .

18:44

The 60-40 has to be an agreement .

18:47

Yeah , and the person carrying the 40 at that

18:49

time has to be willing to acknowledge

18:51

like , hey , you do have 40

18:53

or 60% of you are

18:55

carrying 60% of our family right now I

18:57

see it , I know it and this is what I'm going to be

18:59

able to check back in , for whatever reasons . And

19:01

if that's not shared and agreed upon and

19:04

sort of time stamped

19:06

for how long I'm willing to do this , it

19:09

won't work . It can't

19:11

work Right .

19:13

Because I think that's really true . I

19:15

think relationships it's interesting

19:17

. We talk about this a lot in terms

19:19

of grief , but

19:22

I think it's just a lot in terms of life

19:24

. They're

19:28

not always balanced when

19:31

a couple is grieving the

19:33

same kind of loss , whether it's

19:35

a pregnancy loss or the death of a loved

19:38

one or the loss of a job or

19:40

the removing and the loss of a community

19:42

, whatever it might be . You're both

19:45

grieving , and

19:47

it's hard to do that at the same

19:49

time and

19:51

undoubtedly it's Well .

19:53

at the same time , in exactly the same ways .

19:55

Right . So sometimes in grief what

19:57

it feels like is one partner is really

19:59

steeped in their grief and the other partner

20:01

is just kind of sitting there doing all the other stuff

20:04

, trying to live life , function

20:06

, keep things moving , and then they flip flop

20:08

and then the other partner who is steeped in their grief goes to

20:10

functioning and the other partner

20:12

gets steeped in their grief and in that

20:14

way I think it's easier to maybe

20:17

understand that a little bit in terms of grief

20:19

. But I think that that's true

20:21

in life too . In the day to day there

20:23

are those imbalances and

20:25

it can feel one-sided and

20:29

you need to be able to talk about them , you

20:31

need to be able to acknowledge them , you

20:33

need to be able to value one another's

20:35

contribution and , as you

20:37

said , if there isn't inequity , you

20:39

need to agree upon like we're

20:42

okay with this for this period of time or

20:44

we're not okay with this , and these are the things

20:46

that we need to do to shift it , and

20:48

so I think , yeah

20:51

, that's crucial .

20:53

So I think one of the next questions

20:56

, like I can almost hear it being asked

20:58

, is so what do we do

21:00

Like ? I do feel like our relationship

21:02

is one-sided or our relationship is . It doesn't

21:04

have to be . I'm not trying to minimize the reality

21:07

by saying like it feels this way , but my

21:09

suggestion I think I'm

21:12

curious what yours would be is like I agree . If

21:16

it does feel like I'm

21:18

in a one-sided relationship to

21:21

be able to say that in a way that

21:24

is an invitation and not an accusation

21:26

like or an attack .

21:28

Yeah , I think most when the

21:31

way yeah .

21:32

accusation and attack yeah , yes , it is .

21:35

I think attack , though , carries with it

21:37

some of the . It

21:41

describes the level of defensiveness

21:43

that is returned

21:45

Sure and a

21:47

deeper way , but it also , I think , if there is , an

21:50

attack .

21:51

It describes the level of hurt that is

21:53

trying to be addressed right , which

21:55

neither one excused the defense or the attack

21:57

, but like if there's attack and defense

21:59

, it's because it's important

22:01

and there's something that really , really

22:03

matters , trying to be addressed

22:05

that likely won't be hurt because of the

22:07

system . But I think

22:10

the feeling of

22:12

this feels one-sided , Like how do you ?

22:14

So you're saying , like , how you have to bring it up in

22:17

a way that is an invitation .

22:19

It could be as simple as hey , aaron and Steven , they

22:21

were talking about this . They're sort

22:24

of put out in the world that if one partner's

22:26

feeling like things are one-sided , maybe both partners are feeling

22:28

like this . Like , are

22:30

you feeling that ?

22:31

Yeah .

22:32

And if not ?

22:33

Throw us under the bus .

22:35

Yeah , well , we'll take that , but like , how

22:37

did we get here ? Like how did I

22:40

think there are just some really gentle ways to

22:42

approach this where you can get to the hurt

22:44

places rather than leading with the anger

22:46

, because both are probably present

22:48

yeah . It doesn't feel good

22:51

to feel alone in your relationship

22:53

.

22:54

Yeah . Well , I think one of the it's even just

22:56

saying like hey , there's something that's really important

22:58

I want to talk to you about and like I

23:00

don't . I

23:03

want to understand how you think and feel about this

23:05

and I want to be able to express

23:08

to you how I think and feel about this . It

23:10

might feel like a hard

23:12

topic when I bring

23:15

it up , but I really want to work

23:17

together on this .

23:20

Yeah , we arrived here together . Could we

23:22

get out of here together ?

23:23

Yeah , and even sometimes just forecasting

23:26

the conversation can

23:29

help .

23:31

Sometimes forecasting helps . Sometimes for couples

23:33

that have a

23:36

history of conversations not going well , I think

23:38

forecasting can feel .

23:40

Can create , can forecast , on the other

23:42

side , but I think that you have to know

23:44

.

23:45

I mean , that's a we don't know where you are . But

23:47

yeah , I think that there has to be a shared

23:50

accountability for how we've arrived in this

23:52

place . That's the only way we can share

23:54

accountability and like so , what's the plan ? How ? Do

23:56

we want to get out of this . How can we meet each

23:58

other ? And very likely it has

24:01

to do with being able to validate what the

24:03

other person has been trying

24:05

to do , even if it's misses

24:07

. I mean so often the ways we try to care

24:10

for our partner don't

24:12

feel caring to our partner

24:14

.

24:15

Yeah .

24:16

But that doesn't mean they haven't tried .

24:18

That's right and even to

24:21

value what your partner has done

24:23

and to accept what they've done . Even if

24:25

there is an inequity like

24:28

doesn't mean that you're saying there

24:33

isn't an inequity and the way

24:35

I feel isn't valid . It's just simply

24:37

acknowledging that you're

24:39

both a part of the relationship and you're both

24:41

doing stuff and

24:44

that's important and

24:46

you appreciate what is being done

24:49

. And what you're wanting to talk about

24:51

is how do we , how

24:54

do we , how can we talk about this topic

24:57

Because it's probably gonna come up again and again in

24:59

our relationship and how it just

25:01

is .

25:02

It just is it doesn't we get

25:04

better at having it ? So I think it feels less

25:06

like oh , we didn't even really have to have that conversation

25:08

. We kind of know what we mean . But

25:11

I honestly think , like almost as soon as a couple

25:13

us included feel like

25:16

okay , it's a brand new stage

25:18

, a new age we're I mean

25:20

for us . At this point , I feel

25:22

like we spend a lot of events

25:25

, weeknights , tournaments

25:28

apart like physically

25:30

apart . So there is this like how

25:32

is your day ?

25:33

Right , that's true , or ?

25:34

even if we've been together at the same tournaments all

25:36

day long . It's not like we're like hey

25:39

buddy . But I just mean

25:41

, like it doesn't go away .

25:43

Right , right , and

25:45

so it's more of an acceptance that

25:47

relationships do end up feeling one-sided

25:50

. Oftentimes there is

25:52

An acknowledgement . I don't

25:54

you

25:56

don't like the acceptance . Well , maybe we

25:58

mean the same thing . I think we do mean the same thing .

26:00

I think acceptance means like . For

26:02

me , acceptance means like some defeat

26:05

of like , so I just have to like

26:07

drop my bar and accept

26:09

that we are gonna .

26:10

I know , I think that's a mischaracterization of what that

26:12

word means , Like in just general

26:14

, I think acceptance just from a standpoint

26:17

of this is normal . This

26:19

is , this happens . This

26:22

isn't bad , and

26:25

the reason and the fact that it's a reality

26:28

in our life just means that it's a

26:30

reality in our life . How

26:32

can we accept it , acknowledge it and

26:34

then move towards ?

26:36

Yeah , move towards , I think , acceptance

26:38

without intention and movement and growth

26:40

and some work doesn't

26:42

feel good , but acceptance as a part of , like

26:44

a part of movement , yes

26:47

, yeah , yeah , yeah , we're being a little

26:49

Lettages , we're being

26:51

nuanced about the words .

26:52

Yeah , they matter , but

26:55

yeah , so to be able to accept

26:57

, acknowledge and

27:00

then be able to invite one

27:03

another to have the conversation

27:05

. About what we need to be different About what yes

27:08

, about what we need to be different and not get in that

27:10

criticize , defend cycle

27:12

. It

27:14

is , I think , the process that works

27:16

and

27:20

I think that it can be

27:22

again like you were saying

27:24

, erin , like as simple as like hey

27:27

, I heard this conversation

27:29

on a podcast Like

27:31

what do you think ? Like it can be

27:33

exploratory , like that .

27:36

I think I was just thinking about this today . I

27:38

was doing an Instagram post honestly

27:40

and writing the caption

27:42

and thinking about a

27:45

lot of times couples dread these

27:47

types of conversations and this type of work

27:50

, even because it feels like it's gonna

27:52

be heavy , it's gonna be hard

27:54

we're gonna fight a lot and I think

27:56

that there can be some heavy things talked about and

27:59

I think that there can be some conflict . I

28:01

think it can sometimes even be heavy , but I don't

28:03

think that that has to be the like overall

28:06

feel of these types

28:08

of conversations . I feel very much , especially

28:11

the more comfortable we get , being

28:13

uncomfortable in them , I

28:16

feel like we can really enjoy the

28:18

conversations even and own

28:20

our own contribution

28:23

. Like I don't love saying that I can be

28:25

critical and I can just sort of just

28:27

dismiss anything

28:30

that I feel like Stephen has done for us , because there's

28:32

that one thing that I'm stuck on .

28:34

Or that I can get defensive , or that I can

28:36

be critical . Sure , sure .

28:39

And Stephen has said before , I can be very defensive , but

28:41

that isn't our trend . He doesn't tend

28:43

to be the one who's coming at me , so I don't , but

28:45

it does happen . I don't love that , but I

28:47

can also acknowledge that , because that's mostly

28:49

not how we interact Well , yeah

28:51

, but I think that Trust that we're both

28:53

trying to not

28:55

behave in those ways

28:57

. I trust that we're both trying to

29:00

connect and move towards each other .

29:03

Well , I think the thing , like you said yes , these

29:05

can be hard conversations , but the whole I

29:07

mean honestly our whole little shtick

29:10

, our whole little bit is that

29:12

you can have these conversations

29:15

in a way that feels

29:17

collaborative and feels like

29:19

you're a team and can help you and your

29:21

partner feel connected and

29:24

closer , and so that the courage

29:27

to take the risk to have the conversation

29:30

and then to have the conversation in

29:32

a caring , loving manner actually

29:35

brings your relationship to a point

29:37

where you're like , oh , this thing

29:39

that was making us not feel close

29:41

actually is the thing

29:43

that has helped bring us close . Are

29:47

you and your partner wanting to have the kind of connective

29:49

communication that we talked about in this podcast

29:52

? Well , you can , and we have

29:54

a great workshop that can help you both get

29:56

started . So go to couplescountingforparentscom

29:59

and check out our Communication

30:01

101 workshop and our

30:03

workshops tab . This is a great

30:05

workshop to help you and your partner learn

30:08

some of the basic communication skills

30:10

that you need to have these kinds of connective

30:12

conversations . Or you

30:14

can try out our membership , where you get

30:16

access to all of our workshops and

30:19

also our weekly worksheets . That are a great

30:21

tool to help you and your partner connect

30:23

on a weekly basis . So again

30:25

, go to couplescountingforparentscom

30:28

and check out our Communication 101

30:30

workshop or our membership . Today's

30:33

show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell

30:35

. If you're enjoying the podcast , please

30:37

hit the follow button and leave us a rating . This

30:40

helps our content become more visible to others

30:42

who might enjoy it , and it lets us

30:44

know how we can keep improving the show . And

30:46

, as always , we're grateful for you listening

30:48

. Thanks

30:51

so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling

30:53

for Parents . And remember , working

30:56

on a healthy couple relationship is

30:58

good parenting .