0:00

Tired of ads crashing your comedy

0:02

podcast party? Good news! Ad-free

0:05

listening on Amazon Music is included with

0:07

your Prime membership. Just Just head

0:09

to amazon.com/adfreecomedy to catch up

0:11

on the latest episodes without

0:14

the ads. As

0:19

we age, cellular function declines,

0:21

which may impact changes in

0:24

energy and strength. Ordinary supplements

0:26

such as multivitamins and minerals

0:28

may not be enough to

0:30

combat the age-related declines. SoulGars

0:33

Cellular Nutrition is a holistic

0:35

collection of cellular nutrients formulated

0:37

to help fight cellular decline

0:39

and promote cell health. Visit

0:41

cellularnutrition.soulgar.com to learn more. SoulGars

0:44

Cellular Nutrition. They go sell deep. These

0:46

statements have not been evaluated by the

0:48

Food and Drug Administration. This product is

0:51

not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or

0:53

prevent any disease. Hello,

0:57

dear listeners. Andy here jumping in

0:59

real quick to tell you

1:02

about Trojan Bearskin Raw Condoms. Now,

1:04

as you know, Naomi and I

1:06

are a sex-negg, sex-nooch couple. But

1:09

all that really means is we don't want to

1:11

talk about our groins in public. But

1:14

what we do want to talk

1:16

about and advocate for is safe

1:18

sex and the use of Trojan

1:20

Bearskin Raw Condoms, America's thinnest latex

1:22

condoms among leading brands. Do

1:25

I like having to say the word raw? Not

1:28

even to reference that famous Eddie Murphy special.

1:30

But I'll say raw until the cows

1:32

come home in order to tell you about

1:34

how safe and thin the Trojan Bearskin

1:36

Raw Condoms are. They let you

1:39

feel closer to your partner and

1:41

enjoy a thinner, more natural experience.

1:43

You know how much we advocate for public

1:46

health on the show. And these condoms are

1:48

triple-tested and made from premium quality

1:50

latex to help reduce the risk of pregnancy

1:52

and STIs. And Trojan Raw

1:55

is even available as a non-latex

1:57

condom, which is designed to enhance body

1:59

heat, for between partners. So

2:01

look, no matter whether you're sex nag,

2:03

sex nooch, or sex positive, these are

2:05

the condoms for you. And

2:07

they're available at all major retailers

2:10

nationwide. Trojan Bearskin Raw

2:12

Condoms. Let's go! Open

2:17

your hearts, loosen your

2:19

buds, inside of a

2:21

couple's therapy! Yeah, this

2:23

podcast is ending in the Yoomis, where they

2:25

can both laugh and hang with all the hoolies. So

2:28

if you're texting the vacation, it will bring to the good,

2:30

and the decent you wish should have

2:32

been conscious and good for the least. So let's go

2:34

to the hospital, and we'll go to the hooloo. And

2:37

then you're feeling a new hoo-hoo. They go to the

2:39

right? Yeah, you are right by the

2:41

eye. TD therapy, I'm here with TD

2:43

baby. Hey, couple, couple, couple, couple, so

2:45

you know me. Hey, couple,

2:47

couple, couple, so you

2:50

know me. Hey, hello

2:52

everyone and welcome to couple's therapy. My name

2:54

is Naomi. My name is Andy. And we're

2:56

a real life couple. A real life couple

2:58

of comedians. And on couple's therapy, we answer

3:00

a couple of different questions from a couple

3:02

of different listeners. Hello!

3:04

How was everyone's holidays?

3:06

Boxing day! Hot

3:09

new Boxing Day up just dropped. This

3:11

is after Boxing Day. No, this is the 26th. Oh

3:13

god, is that what today is? No, the day that they lifted

3:15

you, it dropped to 26th. I know the day

3:18

that this is dropping, but it's by the 26th. For

3:21

some reason, I am completely

3:23

discombobulated. Utterly discombobulated.

3:25

Well, this is the thing, I'm going to tell you

3:27

guys right now, you know, you're getting this episode and that is

3:29

by the grace of Andrew Beckerman, okay? Because

3:32

you know me, I shut it down. I

3:34

say, no, no, no episode the week of Christmas. No.

3:37

And Andy says, no, we got to give the people what

3:39

they need with the law. And so

3:41

here we are with an episode for you

3:44

guys. We have to because this is the

3:46

season. Naomi, as an avid podcast listener,

3:48

as an avid podcast

3:51

listener, you know, when

3:53

shows go dark for certain

3:55

weeks, there really is a feel like

3:57

a breath. You go dark. When the shows

3:59

go dark, you go dark. Yes, exactly. Thank you. Thank you

4:01

for punching that up. Okay. So

4:03

that's why. So that's why. Because I

4:05

empathize. I don't know if you know

4:07

this about me now, I'm very empathetic. Absolutely.

4:10

You tell me nonstop how empathetic you

4:12

are. How

4:14

many times a day? I don't know. 10, 12? No,

4:17

I mean you're totally right in having EPs because

4:19

this is a time of the year where there's

4:21

not only a lot of travel, you

4:24

have to kill in airports, on cars, on buses. Okay,

4:26

planes, trains, automobiles. But

4:29

then also, you know, you may need to have a

4:31

getaway from a large group of people and you might

4:33

just want to sit in a quiet room or take

4:35

too long in the bathroom. Listen in the

4:37

comments just to get a moment to pee. My

4:40

parents, when I was younger, thought I had, thought

4:43

there was like, Andy, do you have digestive? Do you

4:45

have IBS? What's going on? And I've

4:47

just like tried to escape. It's the only

4:49

place I can escape to. Oh

4:52

my gosh. That reminds me, we have a comment. Do

4:54

you remember the bonus episode we did with Danny Pellegrino?

4:56

Absolutely. I think about it every day. There was a

4:58

question there about what do you do about your

5:00

shitty relatives? That wasn't the exact question. I think

5:02

we, because it was a sponsored episode, I think

5:04

maybe we were it as vulgar. Andy

5:07

had to rein it in. Right?

5:09

You didn't have to rein it in. It

5:11

was like Nordstrom does not do that energy.

5:13

No, no. I did cut. We did cut

5:15

to stuff. But anyway, the point is that

5:18

we had some thoughts about how to deal

5:20

with these relatives. You know, you're whatever you're,

5:22

whatever level of shittiness your relatives are. Right.

5:24

And the fact that you're in an enclosed

5:26

space and you can't just get away. How do

5:28

you engage without engaging? So

5:30

a listener called in and had this to say.

5:34

Hi. So this is a piece

5:36

of advice referencing the pithy response

5:38

to people who get in your

5:41

business at the holidays. It

5:43

mainly helps in a religious household.

5:46

But if you say in God's

5:48

timing or if it's God's will,

5:51

then if they say that anything is

5:53

wrong with your life as it currently

5:55

is, they either have to admit

5:58

that they're perfect God's purpose. plan is

6:00

bad or that their

6:03

God is not omnipresent,

6:07

all-powerful omniscient.

6:09

And both of those just really

6:11

ruin their whole life philosophy and

6:15

doesn't start a fight. So,

6:18

good luck, everyone. Okay.

6:21

So that definitely works with religious folks. But it's

6:23

a good one. There are a lot of

6:25

religious folks out there. You have to say what?

6:27

If it's God's

6:29

will? In God's time. Is

6:31

your God an awesome God? Well then leave

6:33

me alone. Okay. Is he infallible? So

6:36

I hear. That's what I heard. Well

6:38

then, you got a couple infallibles. You

6:41

got the pope. You got the

6:43

holy trinity I suppose. I mean I don't believe any

6:45

of the shit but I'm sorry. I apologize. Do

6:49

you see why we had to do so much

6:51

editing for Nordstrom? You hear his ass?

6:54

The fucking pope's infallible ass.

6:56

His fucking infallible miter and

6:58

shit. Oh my God. You need

7:00

to quit. You know what? Because

7:02

it's still the holiday season. Okay, yes Hanukkah

7:05

has passed. Christmas has passed. But you know

7:07

today. You know tonight's the first

7:09

night of Kwanzaa. And I think

7:11

we should just take a moment to acknowledge you guys. I found

7:13

this old poem I wrote. Poem? I found an

7:15

old poem I wrote and I thought I would

7:17

just share it here in the introduction of couples

7:19

therapy because I said if we do

7:21

it a holiday episode I'm gonna say whatever I

7:24

wore it. This comes from our own homegrown William

7:26

Butler Yeats, Naomi Ocparigan. "'Twas

7:28

the night before Kwanzaa and all through the

7:30

house. Not a creature was stirring because it

7:32

was Christmas and everybody was tired from opening

7:35

presents. The stockings were hung

7:37

by the chimney with care. About

7:39

the holiday invented in 1968, not a

7:41

person seemed to care. The

7:44

children were nestled all snug in their beds

7:46

while visions of a post-racial America danced in

7:48

their heads. And Mama and

7:50

her kerchief and I and my head wrap

7:52

had just settled our brains for a long

7:54

winter's nap. When out on the stoop

7:57

there arose such a clatter I sprang from the bed

7:59

to see the sun. what was the matter? Away

8:01

to the window I flew with a flash to

8:03

open the curtains and threw up the sash. I

8:06

must admit I had a hint of trepidation, though

8:08

I was certain my area had been saved by

8:10

gentrification. The moon on the breast

8:12

of the new fallen snow gave the luster of

8:15

midday to the objects below. I

8:17

cannot tell you how I didn't believe what

8:19

I saw. It was a miniature canara and

8:21

the Kikumba-cha-um-o-cha. So that's

8:24

just a little, um, Kwanzaa

8:26

poem that I hope you'll just

8:29

carry with you in your hearts and souls. Put that up

8:31

on TikTok, Naomi. Thank you so much. You

8:33

know, I was really, you know, I have

8:35

a lot of beings from my like old

8:38

school blogging days that should I

8:40

bring them back, I would be a TikTok sensation. You

8:42

know what I mean? But I've

8:44

always been ahead of my time. I've always been

8:46

ahead of my time, Andrew. Naomi, TikTok needs you.

8:49

TikTok needs me. TikTok needs you. TikTok needs towards

8:51

the night before Kwanzaa. Don't we

8:53

all? This

8:56

country. Sorry, that was a

8:58

total non-secretary. I've just... Did

9:00

you think it was beautiful? It was... Naomi, did you hear

9:02

me laughing? I had to stifle my laughter because I didn't

9:04

want to ruin your beautiful poem.

9:06

You could never ruin a poem with laughter. Naomi,

9:10

I mean, put that up there. I don't know who wrote the original,

9:12

it was the night before Christmas. Was that a Chuck

9:15

Dickens classic? Chuck

9:17

E. D. Chuck E. D. Chuck

9:19

E. D.? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

9:22

don't know who wrote it. I mean, I assume that's

9:24

like what the rapper Chuck D. was harkening to Charles

9:26

Dick. Charles Dick? Yeah, he assumed. He

9:29

was like, okay, what's the vibe? Well, yeah, don't you remember the

9:31

public enemy on Black Expectations? I

9:37

do. I do recall every

9:39

song was fire. No skips. No

9:41

skips on Black Expectations. Speaking

9:45

of this country being trash and Black Expectations,

9:47

did we get a little... Promise. This is

9:50

where I was heading. Now, Naomi,

9:52

I don't know if I said

9:54

this on the classic feed, which is

9:56

what we're calling this feed or the page. Focus

12:00

on the letter. Focus on the letter. I

12:03

thought we'd almost get through a whole intro

12:05

without talking about COVID. That was what we

12:07

know now. Because they thought social distancing would

12:09

work out better if we were

12:11

maskless and then there's a

12:14

series of question marks and exclamation marks

12:16

behind that. If you start

12:18

off the pandemic with a massive flub like that,

12:20

people are going to lose all respect for any

12:22

subsequent rules or regulations. No one ever wears masks.

12:24

No one stays home when they're sick and hardly

12:27

anyone tests themselves even though tests cost only 50

12:29

cents. What? In

12:32

2021 they had a Donson Met Jonson

12:34

campaign which meant if you got your

12:36

J&J shot you were allowed to go

12:38

clubbing that night. In

12:42

short it's been a real shit show and because I know you

12:44

guys care so much about COVID safety I wanted to let you

12:46

know. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news and then

12:49

I don't know if they want their name. So

12:51

thank you to that listener. So

12:53

I don't know but if we got a houseboat we

12:55

could just you know, tool around in the water, be

12:58

on the canals, avoid everyone. You're saying?

13:01

Well this really took the wind out of my sails for

13:03

a holiday episode you know and I also said I thought

13:05

we could go through one intro without talking about the Costco

13:07

but we couldn't say. We couldn't

13:09

Andy that's not good. I said at Instagram this is now 30% of

13:11

my identity. Yeah it's bad. It's

13:14

real bad. But you know what's good

13:16

Naomi? We have videos we put

13:18

up on the Patreon. Hello. For sale for

13:20

anyone. You don't even have to be part

13:22

of the Patreon to get these. Yeah you

13:25

can just download that video maybe. Yes squeeze

13:27

getting chemotherapy every three weeks and we're like.

13:30

So we put up the

13:32

video for Mabel's chemotherapy online

13:35

show. Yes. Which had

13:37

Lacey and I.O. and Brian Safi on it. And

13:40

we also put up the video for today's

13:42

episode the live show. Which again

13:44

features Lacey. We're obsessed with her. We're obsessed

13:46

with her. I just realized yes. Well

13:49

you know we were like who's our

13:51

favorite? Yeah who's funny? Who never misses?

13:55

This show was for the couples

13:57

therapy fifth anniversary. Yes. So

13:59

we. If you go to

14:01

patreon.com/couples therapy pod Personally

14:03

you can sign up for the patreon if you'd

14:05

like to and there's a free level to hello

14:07

Well, so you can just come hang out or you

14:10

can get the videos just for three bucks each three

14:12

bucks Three bucks in a live show. Come on. Come

14:14

on. Come on in this economy each one about 90

14:16

minutes That's a good time. Come on. You're

14:19

not gonna get what are you gonna get for three bucks

14:21

90 minutes of quality

14:24

Content that's not neat. That's not even

14:26

a movie matinee in a small town in 1993

14:30

Okay, not even that. Yeah, not even

14:32

now speaking of the lives you're putting

14:34

out today the fifth anniversary that we

14:36

taped over the summer What

14:39

a time to be alive. I'll never forget

14:41

July 7th. All right, I'll never

14:43

forget that night six months before your birthday July

14:47

5 5. Um, yes at

14:50

permanent records Roadhouse. Yes an outdoor venue our

14:54

Wonderful guests were Shantira

14:56

Jackson Nori read Lacey

14:58

Mosley-Nach and Paul Sheer, I mean, this

15:00

is a cavalcade of stars We

15:03

had people who we love people who we knew, you

15:05

know, they all been on the show all been so

15:07

funny so open open hearts loose but the whole vibe

15:09

and It was

15:11

funny because you know, we hadn't done a live show

15:13

in years. Yes. It's the start of the Bandemic.

15:16

Yeah, our previous live show was

15:18

March 5th 2020. So it was It

15:22

was like, you know a big deal to kind of get up there and

15:24

get out there and it was a different We did a different version because

15:26

you know we used to have Thomas doing sets together and

15:28

this time we kind of did it panel style and had

15:31

questions and it and it it

15:34

was interesting because I could really like The

15:37

panel took on a life of its own and we were

15:39

kind of hanging out But it was actually kind of

15:41

nice to have that feeling do you know I mean like to be

15:43

up there and be like Oh, this is this is all going fine.

15:45

This is all in good hands It's like an episode of friends. You

15:47

just want to see them hang out with each other. Have fun, right?

15:50

Absolutely. You're the Phoebe buffet. I'm Phoebe How could

15:53

I not be Chandler can I be any more

16:00

Chandler! We also

16:02

got a shout out. We got a shout out. I mean, because

16:04

the show, I mean, we're talking about the show, obviously the perfect

16:06

lineup, but Henny behind the scenes, as we mentioned,

16:08

permanent records, Roadhouse, outdoor venue in LA,

16:11

wonderful. If you've never been and you live here,

16:13

check it out. But who, who are the boots

16:15

on the ground? Oh, Sam Varela was our producer.

16:17

Sam Varela did an incredible job. Best producer in

16:19

the game, Henny. And I got an LA producer

16:22

who gets it done. Yes. Hey, if you're doing

16:24

a show in LA, hire her folks. You gotta

16:26

hire Sam Varela. And our audio

16:28

engineer, Zach McKeever, went above and beyond. Not

16:30

only did he do a great job recording

16:32

the show, but I just

16:35

said, hey, just send me the tracks and

16:37

I'll put it all together. And he actually

16:39

mixed it, put it all together to the

16:41

levels. I mean, come on. Above and beyond?

16:43

Above and beyond. In this economy? Yes. In

16:45

this economy, in this very collapsing economy. That's

16:48

a gift. That's a gift. You're a billionaire,

16:50

this very, let me shake your head

16:52

again. This is why we have to get to New Zealand.

16:55

Roll it. Billionaires are going, Naomi. With

16:58

all their private mercenary. Okay. Without further ado

17:00

this time, I must say it. Roll it.

17:08

Thank you all for coming. Please welcome

17:11

to the stage, you know, Henny and

17:13

now, Henny and Henny.

17:20

Hey, hey,

17:23

welcome. Welcome. Hello, everyone.

17:26

Look at this. And I'm seeing interracial

17:28

couples in a crew. We

17:30

have created a safe space. The only

17:32

comedy show that allows interracial couples. That's

17:34

true. That's true. I'm glad you put

17:37

that out there. Oh yeah. Supreme

17:39

Court outlawed it. I don't know if you

17:41

saw the news. This is a safe space.

17:43

This is a safe space tonight. Thank you

17:45

for meeting us outside at permanent rec anxiety.

17:56

You know, Andy said I ain't going inside with nobody. Absolutely not. No, no, no. I put on a

17:58

hazmat suit just to go to the bathroom. I know you did. It took forever. All on my jumpsuit. Now

18:00

guys, as Sam was saying, this is

18:02

the first live couples therapy we have

18:04

done since March 5th,

18:07

2020. Haddie!

18:11

Whoo! We out! We out here!

18:13

We out here! We back! You've

18:15

always been doing stand-ups. Yes, I go out

18:18

once a month, approximately. I don't go out

18:20

too often. This is my first time treading

18:22

the boards again. How do you feel, Andy

18:24

Becker-Bett? Can't wait to do some crowd work,

18:26

TikToks. Yes! Andy's trying to make TikToks, you

18:28

guys. He's trying to go viral, so someone's

18:31

got to be wild, but not mean. Aren't

18:35

they all just like, sexually suggestive? That's what

18:37

it's the ones I've seen. That sound is

18:39

so elderly. He's

18:42

very sexually suggestive.

18:45

Gorge. Mmm. What?

18:49

The ones I've seen again. We

18:52

are a sex-neutral, sex-negative couple. Yes, yes, yes,

18:54

yes. If you're not familiar, you know, I

18:56

find it too viscous. What'd

18:59

you do? Viscous enough. That's

19:02

the neutral part. Okay, that's your neutrality. I have

19:04

my purse here, because you know I don't be

19:06

trusting. But I like, don't want to... I'm

19:08

trying to think of like, where I should put it. Oh, I'm gonna

19:10

put it by Andy's toe. I know,

19:12

I know. Is there anybody to put a purse on the ground? I

19:14

know, I know, I know, I know, I know. But just for right

19:16

now, and now I feel free, but also it's in my eye line.

19:18

You know what I mean? Yeah,

19:21

I don't know. It feels good. You feel

19:23

fresh. You feel fresh. You know,

19:25

connected with the space. That's good,

19:27

that's good. That's better than yesterday.

19:29

Y'all, we spent four hours at

19:33

the vet's office with a cat. He okay,

19:35

he okay. Four? Yes. This was a regular...

19:37

This is regular. This is regular. That they

19:39

thought we just had... We did. But they

19:41

thought we just had four hours just in

19:43

one sentence. I know, no,

19:45

it was like, it was like really rude. It was like really

19:48

rude, because you know, his body is only so big. So

19:50

the question is, how much could you really be testing? What?

19:52

Like how many? Okay, you done got some blood. You maybe

19:54

got some urine. What else did I get from him? He

19:57

a cat. What do you do? Wait, when

19:59

I... go to the doctors they

20:01

it's like 30 minutes at most

20:04

most if you're lucky they just look

20:06

in my nose they say you're overweight

20:08

yeah and here's some options and I'm like so

20:10

fuck that a doctor told him he was overweight

20:13

was like all your problems are because you're overweight

20:15

and then he was like I'm like hey aren't

20:17

there other things that we should be talking about

20:19

he's like nope that's it he literally had one

20:21

thing in his playbook that's like so LA that's

20:24

so LA but I'm gonna just be like do you want

20:26

a zimp it was like the clockwork

20:31

orange thing but with my mouth pushing

20:33

those epic into my oh my

20:36

god terrible terrible it's great I

20:38

didn't mean to bring this up but

20:40

I just have to because I'm still

20:42

and I'm still suffering the after-effects the

20:44

PTSD so I had a uterine biopsy

20:46

all yes they went into the

20:48

youth and they scraped okay and when

20:50

I tell you even for something like that they had

20:53

me out of the in seven minutes they said bless

20:55

your heart they said bless your heart we're gonna scrape

20:57

and you gotta go you gotta go and

21:00

it was like oh wow even when y'all said

21:02

that y'all can't even have a bedside manner you

21:04

can't have a moment it was wild and you would

21:06

just think science now this is one of those cuz

21:08

I was in pain for a few days and

21:11

Andy was like wait a minute wait a minute can I say

21:13

this yeah sure I thought cuz I was gonna

21:15

say it anyway so you might as well wait

21:18

I gotta look up a picture where's

21:21

the uterus again I thought it was I

21:23

thought it was just like the

21:30

lining from inside the vagina I

21:32

didn't realize it was that through the cervix

21:35

yeah you didn't know it was through the looking glass

21:37

like a mat truck

21:41

going through a wall and an action

21:43

film that's a typical thing

21:45

in an action film okay okay with that

21:47

I mean there you know there is an

21:49

entry point it's not a total wall there

21:53

but it's like hold on draw

21:55

me a picture where's this fallopian

21:58

tube again Oh

22:00

Lord, now wait, should we talk about what we're doing now,

22:03

what the vibe is gonna be tonight? Yeah. Yes.

22:05

Yes. Have you heard the

22:08

show before? Yeah, how many of you have listened to the

22:10

pod? How many of you have listened to the pod? Wow,

22:12

gorgeous. Wow, wow, wow. So

22:14

we're doing that same thing, like we

22:17

have a beautiful panel coming to help

22:19

us answer, okay? Icons, people we love,

22:21

people we respect, people we cherish. So

22:24

we will be asking you to bring

22:26

some questions, okay? Yes, oh

22:28

my God, someone looked terrified. She looked terrified. She said,

22:30

oh God, don't worry, I'm not gonna make you do

22:32

anything. I'm not gonna make you do anything. Not here,

22:35

not a couple therapy, not tonight, hell no. Okay, however,

22:37

there is a microphone up here, honey. Come

22:41

up, okay? And you come up here and you can,

22:43

you know, even if you're scared, you can face away

22:45

from everybody if you're scared. Or you come up and

22:48

you do a spelling bee style, okay? You can face

22:50

the wall, Blair Witch style. Blair

22:53

Witch. And then you

22:55

be like, the word is cheater.

22:57

C-H-E-A-T-R. What do I do? Okay, you know what

22:59

I mean? We can use it in a sentence. But you

23:02

have to be open, because what do we say in couple

23:04

therapy? Open your heart, loosen your butt. So

23:06

that's the energy tonight. So you come up here, and

23:08

I don't want to have to go to you, okay? We ain't

23:10

grinding it to a halt for me to get a bunch of

23:12

y'all every time, okay? So just prepare yourself, think of something. You

23:14

can tell a story about somebody else. I love it. I

23:17

love it. Tell a story about someone else? Not

23:19

answerably, you have a question where you're like, okay,

23:21

my roommate did this. How should

23:23

I deal with them? I said, okay. You

23:26

can bring somebody else's issue to the space. You

23:30

can. You can put somebody on blast. They could be right

23:32

next to you. You know what? We will adjudicate any relationship

23:34

problem right now. So there's a couple

23:36

in here who said, you know what? Exactly.

23:39

Who is going to put someone on blast? That's

23:42

the question. You could pick something from a reality

23:44

show, and I wouldn't know. What

23:46

about- So, Scandal. I don't even know what that

23:49

means. Scandal. I've seen it so

23:51

many times that I know it's

23:53

a thing. Right, right, right. I know it's not

23:55

just a magic word my brain plucked out of

23:57

the ether. Something happened. Scandalable. So if you want

23:59

to just say that- into the microphone and then

24:01

we'll see if I say

24:03

the right thing based on what happened on

24:07

the show which

24:09

is which show is scandoval vanderpump

24:13

rules but I'm calling it scandoval like it

24:15

was a shape really wanted to say real

24:17

housewise I know I know really wanted to

24:19

say real house it wasn't that it wasn't

24:21

that not that not even close is it

24:24

close isn't she up wasn't she thank

24:27

you Sam give it a right am okay

24:29

I really came out here she said I'm

24:31

an auntie tonight I'm a Walgreens tonight she

24:33

said do you need a mask do you

24:35

need bug spray do you need Jesus she

24:38

has it all for us tonight and

24:40

that's beautiful that level

24:42

of preparedness are

24:45

you what are you looking into the distance I

24:48

was imagining the diagram of the uterus

24:50

again I

24:53

see I see I see okay is it

24:55

clear to you yeah there's an over on

24:57

the end of each fallopian tube oh

25:00

gross I'm talking about you

25:02

I shouldn't have brought it

25:04

up but I just I'm still thinking about it

25:06

I can't stop in being sex negative ersu also

25:09

anatomy negative like you don't even want to know

25:11

the anatomy I mean I

25:13

do like thank you honey sort me out sort

25:15

me out that's love that's love he

25:17

said don't look busted out here we gonna be up

25:19

here for at least at least an hour so you

25:21

need to get right no I'm not anatomy negative because

25:23

I do like to know the source of my pain

25:26

you know my aches my pains I like to be

25:28

able to look in you know let me make a

25:30

call to the doctor just get my meds

25:32

sent to me mm-hmm you

25:34

ready for the show yeah what are you

25:37

doing a tik-tok what do you do for

25:39

11 why would

25:42

you be the one person in sunglasses who

25:45

literally said do not call me out

25:48

where are you from Oh

25:50

Chicago dog Those

26:00

are disgusting. That's not how you do

26:02

it. Oh,

26:05

I don't know how to do a TikTok. My therapist did

26:07

tell me, though, that I should do more TikToks. Isn't

26:09

that fucked up? She in a doghouse. She was like,

26:11

well, if you're upset about your career, you need to

26:13

be using TikTok. You're

26:17

a therapist who missed a session once to go

26:19

to Coachella. And

26:22

she is, I did not think at her age she would be ditching

26:24

me for Coachella. I'm gonna tell you that right now. Okay, she's

26:26

too hip. She's too

26:28

active. I don't like that energy. I

26:31

like an elderly woman who

26:33

has seen things, who's unimpressed. And

26:36

here she was at Coachella. See,

26:38

we've never even been to Coachella. Could

26:41

you imagine me in a crowd? No. Disgusting.

26:44

A porta, a portable party? Never

26:47

in a million years. Never in a million years. No.

26:53

Okay, I want to bring up our guests because

26:55

I feel like they should be here. Sure. They're so excited.

26:57

They're so much I want to hear from them. Sure. Much

27:00

like the cervix is the entry point to the

27:02

uterus. We were the entry

27:04

point to this show. Okay.

27:09

You guys, our lineup is wonderful. It's beautiful.

27:13

Start clapping. Welcome to the stage. Call

27:15

the rollers clap. Paul Seer. Nori

27:17

Reed. Santira Jackson.

27:20

And Lacey Mosley. It's Lacey here, yes.

27:22

I saw her in the corner of

27:25

my eye. I

27:27

saw Lacey's up in B. Yeah,

27:30

yeah. No,

27:32

it's been a while. Here,

27:42

child. That chair, wait a second. I

27:44

done already chipped going up the hill. They

27:47

gave me a drink ticket. And it was like, you guys

27:50

have five minutes to get it. And so I was like,

27:52

let me jog up the hill, child. And y'all know up

27:54

there. Y'all know up there. Y'all kept my secret. I fell

27:56

and I made it look like

27:58

a moment. I know

28:00

that turned out sad like, and I was like,

28:02

nah, I wanted a better view. Over

28:06

here. Wow. Is it working though? It's not

28:08

absorbing. It's not absorbing. It's not absorbing. Oh,

28:10

the man's not worried about those masks. If

28:12

they're not, this means masks work. Yeah.

28:17

Okay. Science. Okay. First of all,

28:19

can we just point at you guys? Thank you so much

28:21

for being here. Are you coming? Can you get right?

28:23

Can you get settled? I'll say this. I'm

28:25

Southern. So I'm not going to put my purse on

28:27

the floor. I'm in the store. I'm

28:29

Southern as well. My purse is in my hand. Now, I can see

28:31

my granny mad at me right now. You

28:38

put your money on the dough. Okay. Don't do that.

28:41

I know. I know. I know. I know. Amen.

28:43

I know. I know. But you know what?

28:45

We're live streaming. I didn't want to block with

28:48

my purse. I said, so I just had to

28:50

take a risk tonight. I'd take a risk. Love

28:52

having black women anywhere. Okay. You know, I love

28:54

my table because I'm holding the 17 things. Here

28:56

Lacey, I'll hold it. See that's yes. It's fun.

28:58

They watch me. I was like, oh, it goes

29:01

for a thing. It's giving. Well,

29:04

I just want to hold it for two more minutes. Yeah. It

29:07

is fashionable, but is it practical? It's

29:10

stuff to the brim and absolutely not.

29:12

Okay. Absolutely not. And it's like, I

29:14

now have adopted like this, like, what is it

29:16

called? Fanny pack of like a whole Chewbacca bag,

29:18

whatever you want. What man always got to give

29:21

a purse a different name? Why don't you call

29:23

it a purse? I want to call it a

29:25

purse. I'll call it a purse. He's like, I

29:27

have a purse. It's a danger pouch. Like what

29:29

you can't call it a purse. The

29:31

only thing I won't do is I will not

29:34

wear it around my waist. I will wear it

29:36

across. I will wear it as a swing. Oh,

29:38

yeah. Bandole or a bandole. Yeah.

29:40

No, but I have to carry it. Like

29:42

now, but I couldn't put a charger in there.

29:44

I need like a charger. I need stuff. I

29:47

do too. See, see, because you're grown

29:49

because you're grown. I do too, but I stuff it

29:51

in that little ass person. I make it work. Yeah.

29:53

I got a tote. Andy's doing a

29:55

new hat. With cats on it. I got a

29:57

tote. It's got everything. It's got a comb. It's

30:00

got mouthwash. You wanna switch? It what? I

30:02

like that you're rocking a comb. And as

30:04

a bald man, I'm just not familiar with

30:06

it. I'll see. Like, I feel

30:08

like a brush is not a comb. Like a pole.

30:10

Nori's left already. Nori's

30:13

like, want nothing to do. I think Nori would

30:15

to go get it. Nori. Yay!

30:21

Yes! Oh, okay. This is

30:23

a picnic and a purse. This is a

30:25

cake. I'm so sorry if I derailed everything.

30:29

I want to go to the park with you. I want to

30:31

go to the park with you, sis. Okay.

30:35

But you got enough cheese in the bedroom. Before we go

30:37

any further, because did you notice how Scam God has showed

30:39

up here with a whole story and a purse of open?

30:43

We have got to first acknowledge that today is Nori Reed's

30:45

birthday. Yay!

30:49

Thank you. Thank

30:51

you. Are we so

30:53

honored? Can you imagine?

30:58

Wow, you blessed when I saw your born day or

31:00

your return. Today I'm 65. You

31:05

look so good. Nori,

31:07

have you already got your AARP

31:09

benefits? Yes. Yeah.

31:14

I can't wait. I will say this. You

31:16

don't have to be old to get AARP. I

31:19

do have a card and I do use it for a

31:21

refill card. You said you

31:23

were sitting in the middle, but I was

31:25

like, no, you can't. You

31:29

should check it out. Check it out.

31:32

But I imagine if you submit the AARP

31:34

card and your license,

31:37

they'll be like, huh, this doesn't check

31:39

out. No, because it's not for a

31:41

movie ticket for a senior citizen.

31:45

It's AARP for a discount on rental cards. It's

31:48

very specific. I've

31:50

been renting so many cars. Where are you

31:52

going? Where

31:55

are you going that you're renting so many cars? You

31:57

guys, it's none of your fucking. I

32:00

swear I be going all over the great

32:02

United States and no one ever finds out. I'm

32:09

trying to let's go. I'm just saying go

32:11

check it out. AARP, they're not sponsoring this.

32:13

I'm not going to do nothing on the

32:15

back here. It sounded like they are. But

32:19

also, cancer twins. My birthday

32:21

was this week too. Oh! Not

32:24

your birthday! Oh wait, Fourth

32:26

of July thing. Yes! Fourth

32:28

of July, celebrate me, not America,

32:31

it's trash. Yes! Are you

32:33

a cancer? Paul, I'm also a cancer. Are

32:35

you a cancer? I am a cancer. Oh shit. Oh

32:38

wait, what are you? Now we have to pass here. I

32:40

mean, I'll get into it, but I'm not hilarious. Okay. It's

32:43

a water sign. Water sign. That's okay.

32:45

Anyway, Paul brought up his mirth. I'm

32:48

ready to go first. His

32:50

blasto bag. Yeah. Got

32:53

a lot of good stuff in here. If

32:55

you have like a splinter, I

32:57

got something to remove it in this bag. Wow! I

33:01

got band-aids for my kids in

33:03

this bag. Lactaid, I got it.

33:05

Oh yeah, yeah. Nice! Sport

33:07

action body. Yeah. It's just

33:09

a cool first aid kit. I mean, yeah, that's what I'm

33:12

required to do at 90% of the time is being a

33:14

dad. What else do I got in here? Pens,

33:17

multiples, mallet.

33:20

Got it. A lot of stuff. This is kind of empty

33:22

though. Naomi, can

33:24

we talk about your outfit because I'm

33:27

really enjoying these. Thank you. So

33:29

tasty. Thank you so much. Now, I know you're

33:31

going to tell me it's fucking vintage, so I

33:34

can't buy it anywhere. I know you are.

33:36

Where'd you find it? It's called New Works on

33:38

Sunset. Walk right over there. Okay,

33:40

wow. I gave

33:42

keeping. Queasy gate keeping. Who

33:46

are you? I heard you. Yes! To

33:51

be fair, that is the gentleman who went up to our

33:53

photographer and said, take a picture of me. I

33:55

thought. And then

33:57

said, like, LA. As

34:00

if that was something that no one here

34:02

has in common. It's like, look,

34:04

I'm wearing a Lakers jersey. And 90% of LA is

34:06

too. I love it. All

34:09

right, but a blue one, so that is different. No, that's

34:11

true. That's a look. Now, I think before we get to

34:13

answering people's questions, you know, for our... Feels like a real

34:16

cookout vibe, by the way. Ooh, Andy, have you been to

34:18

a cookout? Oh, Andy, I

34:20

want that jacket open. I want to see

34:22

the full elf. Give us the full elf.

34:24

Yes! Can I say this was bought...

34:28

This is a full event. Yes. This

34:30

was bought in the depths of quarantine.

34:32

Al, baby. Al Brock. You

34:36

got to get in front. Show the

34:38

live stream. This is for

34:40

OnlyFans, so we just made 25 more dollars when

34:43

you showed off the whole thing. Do you want to show feet?

34:45

Show your feet. Because it could really...

34:47

Oh, feet? Yeah. I need more

34:49

pictures for my wiki feet. I wanted to actually...

34:52

Feels like if you buy them, then

34:54

they donate 12 to children. And

34:56

yes, they are so that vibe. They're

34:59

like woven. They're natural. They're

35:01

welcoming. They're welcoming. But more about Alf. Can

35:03

I ask them any questions, though? So

35:06

you guys, before we start to help people, you

35:09

know, I think it's important to know where you guys are at.

35:11

Do you mind telling us where you're at vis-a-vis relationships,

35:14

all right? Sure.

35:17

Also, where you're at vis-a-vis therapy. Okay?

35:19

Both. I need to know where your head is at,

35:22

where your heart is at. Shantira, you go first. Okay, cool. I'm

35:25

going to show you. Shantira, you go first. Okay,

35:27

cool. I am going on almost five

35:29

years with my partner. Okay, five

35:32

years. Yes. We

35:34

live together, and she's very cool. I

35:37

like her a lot. And

35:39

then therapy. I

35:42

got two therapists. I got

35:45

a black lady named Carla that I talk

35:47

to about black shit. Because sometimes I be

35:49

like, these are my people's

35:51

fucking crap. And it should

35:53

be like, I understand. That's all I need. And

35:56

then I got another therapist

35:58

named Carla. Paula,

36:00

if your name isn't A, you

36:02

can be my therapist. And

36:05

she does EDMR. Oh,

36:07

yes, LA. All you bitches know what the fuck that is.

36:10

Because I'm from Florida, and I need

36:13

EDMR therapy. Amen.

36:15

Yeah, so I've been in therapy for a

36:17

while, and I'm doing pretty well right now,

36:19

for the most part. Wait, Jared, do you

36:21

do the tapping or do the eye stuff?

36:24

I do tapping. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I like the

36:26

tapping. I don't like the eye movement. No, do you

36:28

feel? These glasses are not because I want to be

36:31

cool. I can't see shit. I just need to focus

36:33

on other stuff. So I don't do no eye stuff.

36:35

There's two versions of it first. And

36:38

it helps erase bad memories. Yeah, erase

36:40

bad memories. It helps you go into

36:42

your brain, and you erase the bad memory,

36:44

but you're in all this action. You deal

36:46

with the feelings that you repress to survive

36:48

your childhood. Yeah. I mean, I don't

36:50

want to push this button, but

36:52

isn't this also the root of

36:54

the Scientology therapy too? Oh,

36:57

I don't know the possible. I

36:59

just heard about it. No, but I've

37:01

heard that this works. I've talked to a lot of people who

37:03

work with veterans. But then I was

37:05

hearing about it, and I think that that's the

37:07

whole thing with Scientology. They make you like tap

37:09

or say things. It gets a lot of repetitive

37:11

things to get. They also blackmail you with a

37:14

child who asks you penetrating questions. I'm

37:16

not saying that Scientology is the way it goes. You all

37:18

know how to go queer. I

37:20

am just curious. Oh, yeah, I'm on my day.

37:23

I am on the bridge. I wish you well. They won't want to

37:25

talk to me afterwards. I got a stress test in my car. We'll

37:28

get you there for breakfast on the morning on

37:30

Franklin Avenue. Come on in. And

37:33

do you know where Shelley is? Oh,

37:35

Shelley dead. You

37:40

can't be missing for that long. We

37:42

live in a modern society. If

37:44

you're gone for three years, you're

37:46

dead. Like that's it. That's

37:48

a tweet. You right. Or she

37:51

is locked in a prison beneath

37:53

the ground. Like she is effectively

37:55

dead. Pivot pop. Audience,

37:57

audience, show of hands, subtrain.

38:00

dungeon. A couple.

38:02

Just a few people. Okay. Shelly's dead.

38:05

Some people say I don't want to-

38:08

You dungeon people. You're glass half full.

38:10

I like your positivity. My

38:13

theory is that she was not intentionally

38:15

killed but the rage monster that her

38:18

husband is. You gotta put this into

38:20

a true crime podcast. I believe that's-

38:22

It's gotta be called How Did This

38:24

Get Dead? And it's gonna be- Me

38:27

too. I'm like how did this get made? How

38:29

did this get dead? And I wanna

38:31

know. I'm gonna be real honest. I do

38:34

not want Scientology coming for my black ass.

38:36

I got enough stuff going on. Amen.

38:38

The good news is is this lives

38:40

and dies here is not online. Oh

38:44

no. Oh god. Nori.

38:47

Let's just science god. I love you. Yeah

38:50

Nori do you want to tell us your-

38:52

Where are your at? Where's your

38:54

heart? Where's your- Where's your heart chakra? And where's

38:56

your mind chakra? Is that a

38:58

thing? What?

39:03

I got a

39:06

harder question. I'm

39:08

really single. I'm kind of like the Samantha

39:10

of the group probably. Nice

39:12

name. Oh so you fuck

39:15

it. Yeah. Okay Nori. Really

39:17

single. I

39:21

have- I'm

39:23

seeing this really old. He's so old

39:26

and he hates me. He's so mean

39:28

to me. It's crazy. No. And

39:31

I pay him so much money. Wait

39:33

why is he so mean? He's just

39:35

like older gay man and I go

39:37

to his pool house. He

39:42

lives in Beverly Hills. He's really rich. Walk with me.

39:44

Okay. I go to his pool house and the setup

39:46

is where- What?

39:51

Los Angeles had I see you doing all that

39:53

commentary from the back and then looking away real

39:55

quick. I see you. Letting her talk. Yeah. You

40:00

gotta be quiet. It's

40:03

only because you don't have a mic. If we had an

40:05

extra mic it would be fine. But unfortunately that's the

40:07

way it goes. Because we love you. Because Nori is speaking.

40:10

And I can't do it. So, oh, with a

40:13

pool house and me. Yeah, so the setup

40:15

is I'm facing the pool and then

40:17

he's kind of over there kind of looking at me. But

40:20

you're facing away from him. Yeah, and then sometimes when I

40:22

look he's kind of like scowling at

40:24

me. Are you in a swimsuit? His what? Are

40:26

you in a swimsuit got cheeks out? No. No,

40:29

I'm not. But like he

40:33

doesn't like me. Are you allowed in the

40:35

main house? No. No? Well,

40:38

literally. The office is the pool house.

40:40

The pool house is the doctor's office. I think

40:42

so. Okay. You get to use the pool.

40:44

Oh, I thought this is who you were seeing. What?

40:47

Yeah, right? Because I

40:49

was like, I'm single. Are you fucking? You're

40:51

this old person in a pool house. I

40:55

didn't draw the next line. Oh, this is

40:57

a fail-in. This is a therapist. This is

40:59

your therapist? Yeah. You

41:01

denied. You said I'm just

41:03

a math app. I'm following.

41:05

I'm really nervous. I fully

41:07

follow. So are you such a

41:09

natural comedian? She's totally following. Go

41:11

ahead. Analyst doesn't like you.

41:13

I'm shutting up. Go ahead. Literally,

41:18

what happened was I was

41:20

talking and I heard this

41:22

really loud buzzsaw. And I

41:24

was like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sound sensitive. I'm

41:26

not going to pay attention. And he

41:29

was like, ooh, sorry. They're

41:32

cutting Italian marble. And

41:36

I was like, oh, okay. So.

41:39

Oh, sorry. They're

41:42

murdering a Washington Post journalist outside.

41:44

Why? You can't. You got to

41:46

get your marble cut in off hours, doctor. Is it?

41:48

Yeah. Marble has to be

41:51

cut during business hours. That's an LA

41:53

city regulation. I will

41:55

ask this. Is it help folks? Number one.

41:58

And then number two. Does

42:00

he not like you because you're

42:03

like doing something that a therapist wouldn't like?

42:05

Or is he just like a sick fuck?

42:08

No, like what keeps me going is

42:10

that he like is I'm a really

42:12

charming person. Absolutely. And so he doesn't

42:15

take he doesn't let me be charming.

42:17

I'll be like, I'll do the funniest

42:19

thing you've ever heard. And

42:21

then I'll look over and he's like, no. Yeah.

42:24

He's like, no, save it.

42:26

Absolutely. Okay. It is taking

42:28

me. Oh, so he loves you, but

42:31

that's his kink. He's like a comedy people. I'm

42:33

not going to let you I'm your therapist. I'm

42:35

a professional. Maybe he's trying to

42:37

heal you. Yeah, I keep going

42:40

back. I like it. If Carla

42:42

laughs, I genuinely be like, I

42:45

don't know if I need to come back here. So

42:47

I get that. I get that. Nora,

42:49

do you need a second therapist to for

42:52

to analyze what's going on with the first

42:54

therapist? Well, I was gonna see is

42:56

your therapist taking on any clients? Absolutely.

42:59

Okay. Absolutely. I

43:01

need a manager. Oh,

43:04

yes, she will tell you what the next steps are. Thank you. She

43:07

really will. Okay. She used to

43:09

be a stylist. Can I say that? No. Can

43:12

they find out? Can they find out who she is? She

43:15

need to be booked and busy. What's your time enthusiastically

43:17

taking on clients? I

43:19

just realized she's like a veil. You know what I mean?

43:21

Like, I feel like she's like, sure. Do you have a

43:23

fun story? You know, like, is it fun? Lacey,

43:26

what about you? Oh, man. So

43:29

romantically, I have been

43:31

technically single for 10 years. Technically.

43:34

Oh, God, all those awws. Hey,

43:36

hey, hey, I'm going to stop you right now. Okay,

43:43

here's the question. Who came here to

43:45

see us talk to you? Raise your hand.

43:49

Who came here to listen to him talk? All

43:52

right. So

43:55

what I'm saying is I love you so much. But

43:57

everyone's nice, and I'm a real bitch. We

44:01

can't be heckling. We cannot be

44:03

heckling. Okay, we all need a Carla and a

44:05

Paula in our lives. Did you see a boundary?

44:08

Did you see a boundary set? I saw

44:10

the boundary. I love you so much. I want

44:13

you to enjoy yourself, but do not talk out

44:15

of turn again. Thank you so much. Thank

44:17

you, Shatira. Thank you, everyone.

44:20

Lacey, this is you. Oh my

44:22

God. And

44:25

now everybody's horny for me. I was about to say,

44:27

I think I might be sitting in a puddle. Oh

44:30

my God. Oh

44:32

my God. Come find everybody at my

44:34

job. Oh my God. And

44:36

I would also like to say with my therapist, that wasn't me.

44:39

That was a kind way to handle something. And

44:42

he's gone. And other people were

44:44

already upset about it. And

44:47

that's why I'm a comedian. God

44:49

damn. Amen. Give

44:51

it up. Give it up. Magic,

44:54

magic and a boundary. Thank

44:56

you so much, ladies. I want to

44:58

hear about your love life. Ten years.

45:00

Technically. What's the technically part? Technically, there's

45:02

been some situation shifts. And

45:06

I saw this quote on Twitter that like if you call

45:08

it a situation shift, the other person is calling it nothing.

45:10

And I was like, oh, gag me. Wait, hold on. You

45:13

said it, Twitter, is that like a thread?

45:17

It's a blue sky. It's a blue sky. I saw it on

45:19

a blue sky. I saw it on a bill. I

45:22

saw it on all the things. But no,

45:24

it's weird. I had a birthday

45:26

this week. Happy birthday. So happy

45:28

you were going. And it was

45:31

one of my favorite birthdays because if

45:33

you know me, you know, I throw

45:35

my birthdays at big mansions every year.

45:39

And it's in a mansion that I didn't even know was like

45:41

$14 million. How do you get access

45:43

to the mansion? Don't ask too many questions.

45:46

It's like a little bit. But

45:50

I think I've been single for so long because everything

45:52

I've wanted in my

45:54

life, I have created. Absolutely.

45:57

And at my birthday this year, I realized,

46:00

Holy fucking shit I have created. And this is

46:02

the first birthday without my family, because they're always with

46:04

me. We were in Maui last year. We're always together.

46:06

This is the first birthday that I was by myself

46:08

with just the people I met in Los Angeles. And

46:10

I was like, holy fucking shit, how did I meet

46:12

this many people? And why do I love them so

46:14

much? And why is this so chill and fun? And

46:17

why is everyone so lovely? And I was like, oh

46:19

shit, I did this. And I don't give myself any

46:21

credit. I'm very much a cancer crab. And I'm very

46:23

much like, I work every day and then I go

46:25

to sleep. And so I was

46:27

like, oh shit. But

46:30

I did also have a revelation.

46:33

I do have two therapists. Amen. Wow.

46:35

Okay, we all need to be doubling up.

46:37

We all need to be doubling up. I have

46:40

a therapist and I have a psychiatrist. And

46:42

listen, we gotta get racially diverse. I got Dr.

46:44

Campbell, that's a white woman. That's my psychiatrist. And

46:47

I got Michelle, a black woman who's also a

46:49

cancer queen with the best hair I've ever seen.

46:53

And this is what I'll say about my black woman therapist. Because

46:55

I know you was talking, you know the connections. For

46:57

me, y'all don't get this if you get it. I

47:00

told, so there was, I

47:02

had fibroids, if you know, you know. And I had to

47:04

get scans of cat skin and shit. And I had three

47:06

surgeries last year. And I went back to work right after

47:09

every single one. Ill-advised. But, then

47:11

we gotta go keep it down.

47:13

But so I had something come

47:15

up on my liver. And

47:17

it was like a little spot. And

47:19

I was like, oh shit, a bitch dying. So

47:23

after I got my final fibroid surgery, I

47:25

had to drive to USC or Keck, I

47:28

had to go to Keck, to

47:31

get a scan. And then I got

47:33

the results. So I was driving there,

47:35

listening to Renaissance. And

47:39

I told my black woman

47:41

therapist on the drive to Renaissance.

47:44

I told her this, and I love a

47:46

black woman therapist. I told her, I had

47:48

a very weird breakdown moment where I was

47:50

driving to Renaissance, or driving to Renaissance. I

47:52

was driving to Keck and listening to Renaissance.

47:54

And church girl came on. And.

47:57

And. And. I

48:00

started sobbing.

48:04

And it's like, the song's like, I've been

48:06

up, I've been down in the mountains. You

48:08

know, like, right? And then it goes, drop

48:10

it like a thotty, drop it like a

48:13

thotty. And I'm crying, and it's, drop it like a

48:15

thotty, drop it like a thotty. Oh,

48:18

gosh, girl, don't hurt nobody. Ooh, you

48:20

can be my daddy if you want to. And

48:22

I'm like, sobbing. But she knew I

48:24

didn't even have to break down the song, and

48:26

that's what's the beauty of having a black woman

48:28

therapist. She started laughing immediately. And

48:31

I will say, I'm so sorry, but I am

48:33

her favorite client, and she did tell me that

48:35

our last session, because I had a fucking breakthrough.

48:37

I've been going to therapy, I've been wrapping it

48:39

up for three years. And

48:43

there's too many people here, I yell and sound no NDA,

48:45

so I can't tell you why. But

48:50

I thought I wasn't making any

48:52

progress. I thought I was just

48:54

talking, and like, whatever. And then

48:56

I realized, maybe three

48:59

weeks ago, two weeks ago,

49:01

that therapy doesn't fix your

49:04

fucking problem. Therapy

49:06

makes it to where when life spends the

49:08

block on your ass, which

49:11

it will, you handle

49:13

it differently. And

49:15

I was like, oh shit, life spent the block

49:17

and was whooping my ass, and I'm not showing

49:20

up the way that I used to show up.

49:22

And I was like, oh shit, bitch, I'll

49:24

stop the fire, yo ass. I'm gonna

49:26

get it. No,

49:29

she's my queen, if you see this Michelle, I love you, please don't leave me. Yeah,

49:33

that's it. Now, I'm gonna

49:35

give it up for gross, gross, we gotta give

49:37

it up for the gross, we love that. Boundaries,

49:39

gross. We didn't know we were putting together

49:41

such healthy people. We just had a panel who we love,

49:43

we didn't know they were healthy. And

49:46

I wanna tag one of the things you

49:48

said here that I think is important that

49:50

people don't realize is that you do need,

49:52

I think therapy, to a certain extent, is

49:54

dumping on someone. Not

49:56

having the guilt of saying, oh you are my partner,

49:59

you are my friend. It's like I

50:01

just can dump on you and talk it

50:03

out and that talking it out allows you

50:05

to kind of it's almost like Pulling out

50:07

the the contents of this amazing murder My

50:12

therapist Jesse when we read this when it went viral I

50:16

Don't do I want her like me. I

50:18

don't do any bit. I don't do any bits in therapy. I don't

50:20

do any bits You're but I am

50:22

a bit free zone. Yeah, and someone asked

50:25

me this. I like I love my therapist

50:27

She's great, but someone once asked me. Oh,

50:29

what does she look like and

50:31

I couldn't tell you and I thought

50:33

that that was actually a good thing. Are you facing the pool?

50:36

No, I'm facing her I'm

50:38

facing her but I think what it is is I

50:40

know nothing about her. I know nothing about

50:42

her I don't I don't go there trying to

50:44

find out. Are you married? Are you this I

50:46

you I don't care I just kind of treat

50:48

this like this is a ultimately

50:51

a one-way street or like, you know, it's like

50:53

it's like I'm not and that Everybody

50:56

else's face I recognize I know everybody I get to describe everybody

50:58

else's but it was like it was interesting Like oh when I

51:00

and even since that's what I try to think about her Mike

51:03

What does she look like and I'm like but

51:05

because it's like I'm not like connecting with her

51:07

on that level It's like it's a different

51:09

can I say one thing? I'll say this

51:12

learning too much about the therapist It's terrible

51:14

because Carla is an angel. Perfect. Obviously, she's

51:16

a doctor and two years in We

51:19

were talking and one day she said well when I used

51:21

to practice law, I said I

51:25

said what's enough? What

51:28

you mean used to practice law? She says when I was a

51:30

lawyer, I think Are

51:33

you a doctor and a lawyer? She

51:36

said yes, and I said you let me

51:38

talk about my heartbreak when I was doing improv

51:41

and you a doctor and a lawyer Wildly

51:46

embarrassed So

51:52

Thank you, let me tell you this my

51:55

mom is a therapist. Okay.

51:58

Now you got the cheat code Hold on, hold on,

52:00

hold on. I'll walk it back, I'll walk it back. Paul

52:03

has hired me on jobs. Paul has done things

52:05

that have changed my life. And I was

52:07

like, oh Paul, I gotta, give me the book. But

52:10

yo mama, a therapist. Well, hold on, I'll walk

52:12

it back. My mom never stopped going to school. My

52:14

mom was a nurse, became an ER nurse, who

52:17

then became a biofeedback technician, who then

52:19

became a therapist, who then became like

52:21

a, I guess maybe a family therapist,

52:23

and then went to law school, became

52:25

a lawyer, and now runs all the

52:27

risk management of a giant hospital system

52:30

that we've already mentioned here. I used to pay for classes

52:32

at second school. Paul,

52:34

you were a fucking genius, and now

52:36

I make so much sense. Not

52:39

a nepo genius, a nepo genius,

52:41

Paul. Wow,

52:43

you went to mama brain. No, I did

52:46

this, but I said that my mom went

52:48

to therapy, it was in the

52:50

last couple of years, and she goes, you know, therapy

52:52

kinda works. I

52:54

say you saw clients at our house, what do

52:56

you mean? That's like being like a heart doctor,

52:58

but sometimes heart surgery will save a life. Yeah,

53:02

that's your job. Do you know what

53:04

she looks like? Yeah, I

53:07

don't know what a goddamn thing. I

53:10

think about this tall...

53:15

No, but I mean, it's an interesting thing.

53:18

It's only with this therapist that I've had, but I actually feel like that's

53:20

a healthy, good relationship. I

53:23

once saw my therapist, not this one, at

53:26

the ArcLight Movie Theater. In the wild?

53:29

And that was... I had like a mo... My

53:33

therapist, Paul, said that if she saw me, she

53:36

would not talk to me. And I

53:38

know that's the law, but I was

53:40

devastated. No, that's

53:42

right. My black therapist loves me, and she

53:44

has great hair, we're both from Texas, and we're both cancer. Everyone

53:48

needs something different. I

53:51

need conepshon. Well, mine's a little different, because she

53:53

said if he ever saw me, he would kill me. Ripped

53:56

like a piece of carved Italian marble. Did

54:01

I say that he's gay? We

54:03

heard that he was gay when you

54:05

said Italian Marbles. We heard it. We

54:07

knew. We're following who justifies

54:09

loud noise by saying, but it's Italian

54:12

Marbles. Calm down and turn your back

54:14

against the pool. I

54:17

have no recollection of it because it was so

54:19

long ago. I just remember the

54:22

panic because we bumped into each other

54:24

on the line for snacks. Small pop

54:26

control. I had to go. You were

54:28

like, forget it. No snacks for anybody.

54:31

I got to go. Absolutely. I pulled

54:33

that ripcord myself. I was like, and

54:36

now I'm leaving. You

54:38

two are gracious hosts because we've gone on for

54:41

a very long time. You take one half of

54:43

a question. You didn't

54:45

know how heeled we were. We

54:47

had things saved. I will say

54:49

this. I am coming up on my 15-year

54:52

wedding anniversary with my wife. Congratulations. This

54:56

life is fucking gorgeous and cool. It

54:58

was amazing. The best. These

55:00

people have done the work. I

55:02

know. I'm still holding Lacey's purse. It's fun.

55:05

It feels very fancy to hold a purse. You

55:08

don't even have to label out like that, but it's okay

55:10

because it's Balenciaga. I guess we're still

55:12

against them. We'll un-cancel them in

55:14

a few years. Listen, Adidas was with the Nazis.

55:18

Every company goes around. Let's

55:21

see if I can do some weird things with the

55:23

kids. We're going to give them a few years off.

55:26

You already bought that purse. You already

55:28

have the purse, so it's okay. Just don't buy a new purse.

55:31

I ain't buying nothing new. But remember, Adidas

55:33

was with the Nazis. So

55:35

was Mercedes. Y'all want to go on a list? I

55:37

got a list. Fair. I also

55:39

drive a Mercedes. I don't want to go down a list. Now,

55:43

what company made Zyclon B? Does

55:47

anyone have a question for our illustrious... ...Nazi Brand?

55:51

Do you have a question? Do you have a question? I'm

55:53

not a Nazi. crashing

56:00

your comedy podcast party. Good

56:02

news, ad-free listening on Amazon

56:04

Music is included with your Prime membership.

56:07

Just head to amazon.com/ad-free comedy to

56:09

catch up on the latest episodes

56:12

without the ads. Enjoy thousands of ACAT shows ad-free for punch

56:14

subscribers. Some shows may have ads. Happy

56:19

new year, y'all. Now it is the season

56:21

of resolutions and the pressure to get fit.

56:23

And I think this year we should forget

56:25

the noise and pressure around fitness and

56:28

find an exercise routine that works

56:30

for all of us individually. What

56:32

works for you and you and

56:34

you and me? And

56:36

might I suggest Peloton? Peloton offers

56:38

thousands of classes. Yes, I said

56:40

thousands to help you get moving

56:42

no matter what level you're at. Whether

56:45

that's beginner or advanced rides, feel

56:47

good live DJ rides, or even

56:49

artist themed rides, they've got you covered. And

56:52

Peloton bike instructors guide you along

56:54

the journey, taking the guesswork out of working

56:56

out and keeping you motivated

56:58

from day one. They'll

57:00

show you the basics, make sure you're on track,

57:02

and help you build from there. Thank

57:05

you, we need that, honey. There's

57:07

even Peloton Entertainment, which lets you

57:09

watch your favorite TV shows and

57:11

live sports as you ride. Which

57:14

is perfect for them days when you're like, okay, I

57:16

wanna exercise, but I also wanna get my shows in.

57:18

Can we do it all at once? Yes,

57:20

we can. This new year, Peloton's

57:22

making it easier to get

57:24

started. With up to $600 off

57:27

select Peloton purchases and

57:29

two months free membership. To

57:32

get started with Peloton's new year

57:34

offers, head to 1peloton.com slash

57:37

deals. That's

57:40

onepeloton.com/deals. Perms

57:43

apply. Hello,

57:46

dear listeners, Andy here, jumping in

57:48

real quick to tell you about

57:50

Trojan Fareskin and Raw Condoms. Now,

57:52

as you know, Naomi and I

57:55

are a sex-neg, sex-nooch couple. But

57:57

all that really means is we

57:59

don't wanna. to talk about our groins

58:01

in public. But what

58:03

we do want to talk about

58:05

and advocate for is safe sex

58:07

and the use of Trojan Bearskin

58:10

Raw Condoms, America's Sinist Latex Condoms

58:12

among leading brands. Do I

58:14

like having to say the word raw? Not

58:16

even to reference that famous Eddie Murphy special.

58:19

But I'll say raw until the cows

58:21

come home in order to tell you about

58:23

how safe and thin the Trojan Bearskin

58:25

Raw Condoms are. They let you

58:27

feel closer to your partner and

58:29

enjoy a thinner, more natural experience.

58:32

You know how much we advocate for public

58:34

health on the show. And these condoms are

58:37

triple tested and made from premium quality latex

58:39

to help reduce the risk of pregnancy and

58:41

STIs. And Trojan Raw

58:43

is even available as a non-latex

58:46

condom, which is designed to enhance body

58:48

heat transfer between partners. So look, no

58:50

matter whether you're sex nag, sex nooch,

58:52

or sex positive, these are the condoms

58:55

for you. And they're available

58:57

at all major retailers nationwide. Trojan

59:00

Bearskin Raw Condoms. Let's go!

59:02

Wonderful. Thank you for the kiss, Rich.

59:06

Thank you. Yes, bravery. Wearing a couple

59:08

therapy shirts. Yes! Yes! This

59:20

question is on behalf of me and my best friend who

59:22

bought me the shirt. Okay. On

59:24

behalf of our third friend who's in a toxic

59:26

relationship, I did email about this, so you can

59:28

ignore that. Here

59:31

now, wake it up. So

59:34

here's the deets. First

59:37

relationship, very

59:39

toxic. They've already moved in together and

59:41

moved back out. They've broken up

59:43

three times within a year. Over what? You

59:46

got any deets on what they broke up on? I know

59:48

that the second one was while they were in San Francisco

59:50

and the comment about her being upset

59:53

over her mom passing away and making a big

59:55

deal of it was brought up. So when I

59:57

say toxic, I'm not exaggerating. I

1:00:00

was. I

1:00:02

watched it, didn't you? You laughed. I

1:00:05

thought you watched it. Parte Blanche. I forgot

1:00:07

how to say it. Their last

1:00:09

break up, the third, felt very real. And

1:00:14

so she was calling me on the phone. It was very nice that

1:00:16

I was able to support her. Very

1:00:18

nice. Wait, what's your name? It

1:00:20

was very nice to give me the opportunity to be

1:00:22

like, oh, I'm happy this happened because that is what

1:00:24

I said. Wait, question. Wait,

1:00:26

question. Are you the type of friend that if

1:00:28

they because they got together, got back, did it,

1:00:30

you know, are you like, oh, we hate him.

1:00:33

Flash his tires. Oh, we love him again. We'll

1:00:35

catch him up. Like, are you

1:00:37

like, no, no, we hate him the whole time. Me

1:00:39

and my friend who got me constantly text each other.

1:00:41

Shout out Laurel. Constantly text each other. I

1:00:43

hate him out of the blue. And we all know who

1:00:45

we're talking about. Oh, that's bad. Like for

1:00:47

moment one, was he just like despicable? So here's

1:00:50

the thing. He's a therapist. Oh,

1:00:52

therapist. He'll die. Oh,

1:00:54

he got all the tools, all

1:00:56

the tools. Wow. But

1:00:59

he's his biggest trigger in the relationship is

1:01:01

that he doesn't like feeling blamed. So

1:01:04

I see you. I hear you.

1:01:06

I'm a tough boy. Oh, boy.

1:01:09

Okay. If he feels attacked or blamed.

1:01:11

Okay. He doesn't take any accountability. Okay.

1:01:14

And she's a very beautiful self aware person. She has in

1:01:16

fact said to my friend and I, am I using your

1:01:18

bandwidth because I know we've gone back and forth. And

1:01:21

we're like, no, we're here for you. We hate him. So

1:01:23

the last time they broke up, I sent her an

1:01:26

itemized text message. I really did.

1:01:28

I really did. I'm

1:01:31

not fucking around. And I said, these are all the instances

1:01:33

that you have told me about. And she says, you know,

1:01:35

I only tell you about the bad things. I'm like, here's

1:01:37

a good thing. So I started here's some things he did

1:01:39

that's great. Which is like being vulnerable with you after nine

1:01:42

months. Great. Okay. I'm

1:01:44

literally why I said an itemized list of all

1:01:46

the things that had made him not worth it.

1:01:49

And she took it in. And then he

1:01:51

talked to her the next day and stigmatized her. And

1:01:54

she said, I hear you

1:01:57

out. I appreciate you sharing this, but I just don't, I think I

1:01:59

still have room to grow. in this relationship and I'm not

1:02:01

ready to let it go. Okay. Okay.

1:02:03

That's a new business. Now they're going

1:02:06

to Japan for a month. They keep paying for it.

1:02:09

I'm going there too. I

1:02:11

will give you a picture of her. Don't

1:02:13

you put her down like this and rescue her. Next

1:02:16

stop everybody. I will put that labor on

1:02:18

you. That's fine. I

1:02:21

want to, I have a different point of view

1:02:23

on this. I think, but tell me what you

1:02:25

all think. But wait, is your question like what should we

1:02:27

do? Yeah. I

1:02:29

mean, I can't go pass an itemized text message.

1:02:31

Like I write all my cards on the table.

1:02:34

Absolutely. So wait, what is your question definitively? Do

1:02:36

you want to figure out how to move forward

1:02:38

with her with this raggedy ass bitch who's going

1:02:40

to be in her life? You want to figure

1:02:42

out how to get rid of him? Do

1:02:45

you want us to tell you how to heal him? There's two

1:02:47

more things just real quick. Okay. Long

1:02:49

term compatibility. Absolutely. Please finish

1:02:51

that. She doesn't want kids. He does, but they're still trying

1:02:53

to shit together. They moved out. They moved in together. She

1:02:55

moved back out. Then they moved back in together.

1:02:57

He says he wants to have a gun for

1:02:59

protection. What? Oh no. Oh

1:03:02

no. He's going to be put skin

1:03:04

on her. There's a lot of compatibility

1:03:07

as she's here. Okay. I'll just say

1:03:09

this. I think that like, I think he's

1:03:11

a narcissist and I think she's very empathetic and I

1:03:13

think that he, that's why like cops date nurses. Right.

1:03:15

Oh shit. Okay. Because

1:03:18

cops and nurses are both cops. Yeah. Like

1:03:20

they're, I'm sorry. There's a bit of laughing. I was

1:03:22

just talking about my first thing is this cop right

1:03:24

here. How do we

1:03:26

deal with this? Me and my best friend and I

1:03:28

who are with her. I said I'm going to do something. I said

1:03:30

I'm good. Okay. Okay. And

1:03:33

I'll say this and I know that like we're here for yuck yucks, but I'll

1:03:35

say this, that sounds absolutely dangerous as hell. I'll say

1:03:37

this too. I'll be like, one of the things that

1:03:39

I really love is mind your business and um, um,

1:03:42

and you, people are always going

1:03:44

to do exactly what they want to do

1:03:46

all the time. All the time.

1:03:49

Everybody is doing exactly what they want to do all the

1:03:51

time. Now we're talking about a gun. Play

1:03:53

it. First of all, I think everybody needs to ask. So

1:03:56

number one, if you can beat that

1:03:59

nigga ass real quick. Maybe we'll be okay,

1:04:01

but if you can't beat his ass nor gonna pull

1:04:03

up to Japan don't worry about it So

1:04:13

I'm gonna give you like I'm gonna give you like some

1:04:15

real advice that's really dangerous I

1:04:18

think that when you tell somebody what is best

1:04:20

for them and they ignore you that is because

1:04:22

they are going to do what They want to

1:04:25

do no matter what right so you can say

1:04:27

I love you so much I think this relationship

1:04:29

is bad for you And if you're going to

1:04:31

continue in this relationship that is detrimental to you

1:04:33

I cannot be your friend anymore, and when you

1:04:36

find yourself you can come find me right?

1:04:38

That's what I think number one for number two

1:04:40

beat is that And

1:04:44

wait I want to hear what the

1:04:47

only man on this panel Is

1:04:55

that panel you standing You

1:04:58

ain't on a panel you run in a show you will

1:05:01

this is your show You

1:05:03

brought us here like you said is your show So

1:05:06

before we get to that yeah favorite untraceable

1:05:09

poison let's start with nori oh Anthrax

1:05:13

great okay, Oh

1:05:15

what is it grind it up the cherry piece?

1:05:23

The girls were dying Oh

1:05:29

arsenic classic Report

1:05:32

okay, all right Is

1:05:35

this also comes to poison like when you like um put

1:05:38

an air bubble in their blood It's

1:05:43

not Put

1:05:45

a pillow over they face About

1:05:50

the murder I say you all

1:05:52

have untraceable voices at

1:05:54

the ready Rice in our

1:05:57

snake old poison when you

1:05:59

hit a with your car? A

1:06:03

rental car? Thank

1:06:06

you, thank you, thank

1:06:09

you. But to answer your question,

1:06:11

I was gonna say the same exact thing. They're

1:06:14

gonna do whatever they want to do and I think that

1:06:16

sometimes we can get so hung up in

1:06:18

trying to fix other people and

1:06:20

you just will make yourself send

1:06:23

texts to your friends being I hate this guy's

1:06:25

like you don't have time in your life for

1:06:27

that. Like don't. That's like that's that's a burden

1:06:29

you don't need to carry. Now there are more

1:06:32

serious effects of that like if there was abuse

1:06:34

or things of that nature, then that's

1:06:36

a different thing. But on this level of

1:06:38

like fuckery, it's like it's like

1:06:40

those couples that are just like, we're fighting all

1:06:42

we're together all we're out like that's a whole

1:06:44

fucking cyclone that you don't need to get involved in that

1:06:47

that's what I kind of think. Magic business. What

1:06:49

I will say though, sis is

1:06:51

that I don't

1:06:53

wanna bring the mood down, child. But

1:06:55

if he already acting like this and they

1:06:58

ain't had no nuptials, they ain't got Uncle

1:07:00

Sam involved yet. And you

1:07:02

know, because that's the thing you get married and

1:07:04

you're like, let's get the government involved in our

1:07:06

sex life. Like, because we want to write off

1:07:08

like that's, you know, that's us. Y'all got

1:07:10

to write off. Yes. With a

1:07:13

good man

1:07:17

and a good woman and good people.

1:07:20

I've known them for a long time. Listen,

1:07:22

I met Naomi in New York City at

1:07:24

a bar that I used to work at

1:07:26

that I was very much coyote ugly.

1:07:29

Like once, once I have a burn on my arm where

1:07:31

I got burnt with a cigarette because like Hillary Clinton was

1:07:33

like, y'all can't smoke inside no more. But they were like,

1:07:35

we a hook a bar, you can store our business. So

1:07:37

we kept it. And it was

1:07:40

not literally burned. Again, I'm

1:07:43

a little sorry. That's

1:07:46

why she lost. But

1:07:48

it was like, we would host comedy

1:07:50

nights. We would have foot nights

1:07:52

for the ladies of the feet. Wait, hold on.

1:07:54

Sorry. What? This is

1:07:57

before only fans. You have to go to

1:07:59

bars. I had to show up to be

1:08:01

feet. Show up. And we had foot

1:08:03

night and I would buy the feet. People

1:08:06

are the nicest, honestly, and they tip well.

1:08:09

But I started- You gotta take it out of their feet. Like

1:08:12

a 20. A

1:08:14

20, and you gotta get it with your mouth

1:08:16

and between their toes. Oh, not

1:08:18

New York feet. They walk too much. That's not the

1:08:20

feet you wanna put in your mouth. You want

1:08:22

LA feet. You want driving feet. You

1:08:26

want .2 miles. I can't walk that. That's the feet

1:08:29

you wanna your mouth. You don't

1:08:31

want Chicago, New York feet. We walk too

1:08:33

much. Yo, but

1:08:35

we met there and she was

1:08:37

doing stand up and she coined

1:08:39

the term black dress. This

1:08:42

is how long ago that was. And I

1:08:44

was like, ooh, I love that.

1:08:46

But circling back to what

1:08:49

I was saying. You know what? You

1:08:51

know what? What you said is

1:08:53

sort of the beginning stages

1:08:55

of grooming. And

1:09:00

that is a bit disturbing. So what

1:09:02

I would say is that you, like

1:09:06

everyone has said on this panel, you can't change

1:09:08

her mind from the choices that she's gonna

1:09:10

make. But if you love her as a friend,

1:09:12

you can be there for her through every step

1:09:14

of the way. Because I will tell you,

1:09:16

I was in an abusive relationship and I never

1:09:19

thought that shit could happen to me. And one

1:09:21

thing that I'm writing in my book right now

1:09:23

about scams is that a lot of times

1:09:25

you don't think you can get scammed because you

1:09:27

don't think that shit can happen to you. We

1:09:30

all watch True Crime. We all know we

1:09:32

walking home. Y'all are the sisters of the house.

1:09:34

We walking home with our fingers and our

1:09:36

keys. Those people are so happy. They're all so

1:09:38

happy. We ain't helping nobody in the Walmart parking

1:09:41

lot. You know, we

1:09:43

know all the tricks, right? But

1:09:45

that also kind of cripples you. I don't

1:09:47

wanna say the word cripple because I don't

1:09:49

wanna be ableist. But that also kind of

1:09:52

hinders you because you think that shit can't

1:09:54

happen to you. Everything

1:09:56

and anything can happen to you, which is why

1:09:58

we all basically have two. therapists up

1:10:00

here to realize that, right?

1:10:03

I needed a therapist after I found out Carla

1:10:05

was a lawyer. I gotta

1:10:07

go talk to somebody about that. But when

1:10:09

you accept that and when you embrace

1:10:11

that, you're open to the world and

1:10:14

to the facts that are true, and

1:10:16

you stop trying to recolor things that

1:10:18

you experience and give people excuses for

1:10:20

the behavior that you know it is

1:10:23

what it fucking is. And

1:10:25

it takes time, and if you love

1:10:27

this person's face, then stand beside her

1:10:29

because there was a day where I,

1:10:33

it was Valentine's Day, and

1:10:35

this man was, I can't tell you, y'all

1:10:37

didn't sound the way they did. We didn't sound the way

1:10:39

they did. We didn't. But I thought he

1:10:41

was sending me flowers and being lazy as fuck, and I

1:10:44

was working out and having my own Valentine's Day, honey. I found

1:10:46

some recipes on TikTok. I was making myself some shrimp lettuce

1:10:48

tacos, bitch. Um,

1:10:50

for me. And I came

1:10:52

out of the gym and saw I had a notification. I

1:10:54

had some flowers. I go up there, I'm like, oh, this

1:10:56

bitch. And I pick him up,

1:10:58

I go inside, and I look at the card,

1:11:01

and it's actually not him, it's my friend Mary.

1:11:04

And it was a card for Valentine's

1:11:06

Day, just my friend. So,

1:11:08

sis, you can send

1:11:10

her some flowers on Valentine's Day. That's

1:11:13

what pulled me the fuck out. I

1:11:15

was like, I have so much love

1:11:17

in my life, so much real love,

1:11:19

and I don't need to deal with

1:11:21

this shit. And I fucking left that

1:11:24

motherfucker the same day. Like, yeah. After

1:11:27

the fish, after the tacos. So just stand beside her and give

1:11:29

her a little space and wait and just be

1:11:32

there for her, because you love her, but

1:11:34

you can't change your choices. I want to just take

1:11:36

an unpopular stance for one second. Ooh!

1:11:40

And say this. In

1:11:42

defense of this guy, I will say to you. Oh

1:11:44

my god! Well, hear me out, hear me out. That's

1:11:46

what I was expecting. Hear me out for one second.

1:11:48

Hear me out for one second. Ah!

1:11:50

I will say, it took me a very

1:11:54

long time to learn

1:11:56

how to apologize, and I think it's something

1:11:58

really difficult for people. people to

1:12:01

the difference between being blamed and

1:12:04

the difference of yeah but Paul

1:12:06

you're a good man she said a lot of shit

1:12:08

that he's not white but I wait no don't

1:12:12

you to me don't do this you're not but

1:12:14

this is a more general

1:12:21

message I think that sometimes in

1:12:23

relation well you got your body language against

1:12:26

me a hundred percent I'm gay I don't

1:12:28

care about men and I just say in

1:12:46

defense of this man lost me like a mother

1:12:51

as an annoying

1:12:53

bisexual I got a pushback on

1:12:55

you here because I think that

1:12:58

Paul has a message that I

1:13:00

see some penises in the room that

1:13:02

they could receive I see no I

1:13:05

know they're there but it was it

1:13:08

was all right I'm just gonna say not

1:13:10

to this

1:13:20

man in particular but I do realize

1:13:22

that I think sometimes in relationships with

1:13:24

what she said early on about he

1:13:27

feels bad about being blamed and again

1:13:30

can't step

1:13:32

up I can't like admit like when he's wrong that

1:13:34

was something I think that it took me a

1:13:37

long time to understand the difference of like why

1:13:39

does it hurt to say you're sorry this person

1:13:41

you hurt that person you can apologize that's something

1:13:44

that took me a while I wish I would

1:13:46

have learned that a lot earlier and

1:13:48

I think it's something that I hope

1:13:51

to just say in this moment like it's a good

1:13:53

thing to learn if someone tells you they're hurt you

1:13:56

don't have to justify if you meant it or if you didn't

1:13:58

mean it you hurt them you can apply Apologize

1:14:00

and that's a mature relationship and you don't

1:14:02

have to be right or wrong. It's Apologies

1:14:06

are a weapon. I'm gonna tell you

1:14:08

this I wish everyone Apologies

1:14:11

are a weapon like I

1:14:13

will apologize so quickly

1:14:15

and sometimes Like

1:14:18

in the conversation be like I don't think I was

1:14:20

wrong I

1:14:27

know I'm giving the he said the

1:14:29

enduring part I'm giving you the psychopathic

1:14:31

part like I will apologize as

1:14:33

a weapon cuz I'm like Listen, if

1:14:35

you if you hurt I'm sorry and I'll give

1:14:37

you a good apology I give you a good

1:14:39

like if I put that pause out for everybody

1:14:41

like that's a good apology I'm

1:14:44

good. I don't I don't place blame. I

1:14:46

don't make it about myself I know how

1:14:48

to do this I know that makes me

1:14:50

psychopathic but like it's honestly because I like

1:14:52

to see people happy and that's why I

1:14:54

do comedy and Listen, sometimes you

1:14:56

gotta just fucking lay on the sword and then

1:14:59

other times you don't and now that I had

1:15:01

this birthday this week I ain't laying on the

1:15:03

sword all the time. So, you know And

1:15:13

that's our show I'm

1:15:17

too quiet. I need to yeah When

1:15:21

it brought up for because I this I feel like

1:15:23

all of this is extremely good advice and what that

1:15:25

brought up for me Is a

1:15:27

question of should men be

1:15:29

therapists? Thank

1:15:31

you. I'm asking myself that yes,

1:15:33

and I think I'm feeling strong

1:15:36

enough. Yes, so maybe like leave

1:15:38

my like old gay guy We

1:15:48

have double the amount of us for therapy And

1:15:54

also shout out to all the men here,

1:15:56

I know we can't set up the men

1:15:58

no, I just have to say this

1:16:00

because, because at

1:16:02

some point, I've seen

1:16:05

the men laughing at

1:16:07

things that would normally clinch they

1:16:09

bootyhose so damn tight that

1:16:11

it would shoot up into their eyeballs. And

1:16:14

like, thank you for being the not

1:16:16

all men and not being like, well, are you

1:16:18

famous about all of us? No, you're not!

1:16:20

I can't be like, oh, you're famous about all

1:16:22

of us. Am I too gay? Some of them

1:16:25

look abusive. Am

1:16:27

I the gayest person who's ever

1:16:29

lived? I'm gay too! I

1:16:32

am photoshopped next to RuPaul on every

1:16:34

Paramount Plus photo you're ever going to see.

1:16:38

I'm just saying, if we get some who

1:16:40

are active right, then we gotta give them

1:16:42

a little praise because they need that shit.

1:16:44

They need it. I love a panel because

1:16:46

we can agree to disagree. I'll never praise

1:16:48

a man they don't need it. They're

1:16:51

fine. But I think we can all agree, hashtag not

1:16:53

all men, right? I was never praising this man.

1:16:56

I was just saying. No, not, no. I was

1:16:58

praising that man. I wanna think sometimes if you

1:17:00

need to help people in their relationship, it won't

1:17:02

take blame. Yeah. Help

1:17:04

them, men, women, it's a

1:17:06

weird, like, it is. I think

1:17:08

it's a hard thing to do to feel like you

1:17:10

hurt somebody. I don't know. And men need guns. Yes!

1:17:14

Can we talk about it? Can we talk about it? Thank

1:17:16

you. Right? Truth teller!

1:17:20

I think that you should be able to get a gun if

1:17:22

someone is actively shooting at you. That's how you

1:17:25

get it. Like, you know, if somebody's shooting, like, if you

1:17:27

have to run through some sort of thing where people are

1:17:29

shooting at you and you can prove that you're doing defense,

1:17:31

maybe it would work. I'm sorry, my man in the L.A.

1:17:33

Dodgers Blue Hat in the front row is my

1:17:35

North Star. And... Which one?

1:17:37

You! I know there's two of you!

1:17:39

You and us! Also, sir, and we are not wearing our feet around. Also,

1:17:41

I cannot assume that you are a man. I don't know you are a

1:17:43

man. I'm not wearing your feet around. I'm not wearing your feet around. Also,

1:17:45

I cannot assume that you are a man. I don't know you. Oh,

1:17:48

that's true. I don't know you.

1:17:50

Thank you. Thank you. These people...

1:17:53

Okay, so do we have another

1:17:55

question? I

1:17:59

think... I might be afraid, people might

1:18:01

be afraid. Don't be afraid, I'll never hurt

1:18:04

you unless you're really fucked up. That's it,

1:18:06

you already got that muscle kicked out. Here

1:18:08

you go. Woo! Did he get

1:18:10

kicked out? My bad. Yeah,

1:18:12

they took him away after you took him

1:18:14

away. I'm not, I'm not sorry. That's

1:18:16

your power, that's your power. Stay on if you took him

1:18:18

away about 10 minutes too late. I love this book. Yeah,

1:18:21

they do. I know, give it up for a look. You

1:18:23

look so good. You look so good. You look

1:18:25

so good. You look so good. You look so summer

1:18:27

and lovely. Yes, a

1:18:29

butterfly captain, we're into it. Okay, so now

1:18:31

her purse on her arm, you know the vibe. I'm not

1:18:33

putting my purse down at the show. Okay,

1:18:36

so this is not as deep a question, but I

1:18:38

do think it's relevant to everyone on the panel and

1:18:40

the host. Ooh, wow, look at this. Um.

1:18:44

So Naomi, my first, I

1:18:47

saw Naomi when I was working at a comedy club in New York and I was like,

1:18:50

I need her to be my friend. Wow. And

1:18:52

I was like, You can't see me now. Yes, and

1:18:55

I was following you on Twitter and I said

1:18:57

like, Oh, I said, you know, whatever. I

1:18:59

said that. And you were like, oh, it was right after

1:19:01

you moved to LA. And I was like, I can't believe

1:19:03

I didn't get to become friends with Naomi before she moved

1:19:05

to LA. And you tweeted back

1:19:07

and you were like, there's always time. And

1:19:09

I was like, aw, and you have proved

1:19:11

to be like exactly as lovely as that.

1:19:13

So thank you. Wow, thank you. In

1:19:16

relation to that. Okay, my turn. With all of

1:19:18

the drama of Twitter and

1:19:22

where's everybody going these days. Right.

1:19:25

I want to preface by saying, I follow all

1:19:27

of you on Twitter. And I need

1:19:29

to know how to deal

1:19:31

with the social pressure of joining

1:19:33

threads when I would

1:19:35

rather eat glass. Okay. Thank

1:19:37

you. And where will you all

1:19:39

be going? Is there a show? Are you out there

1:19:41

to start? Please start. Well, I didn't know there was

1:19:43

social pressure. I'm not on threads and I'm

1:19:46

not going to be bullied. Not in my

1:19:48

own home. Oh, and I've

1:19:50

been screaming at her to join threads. That's all

1:19:52

you do. All I do is

1:19:54

yell at me. You take out your gun. And

1:19:56

you know you're a better joined thread. I

1:20:00

joined Threads, I joined Threads yesterday, and I'll tell you

1:20:02

why. Because, that's it, it's all

1:20:04

the way. I am a comedian,

1:20:07

and I want to work, and this entire

1:20:09

industry is full of starfuckers. And

1:20:11

I got a, I did a, I'm gonna be

1:20:14

a starfucker for, I'm gonna be one of those

1:20:16

L.A. people. I worked for Busy Phillips, and all

1:20:18

those white bitches followed me on their Twitter, and

1:20:21

they got me a blue check mark. I got like

1:20:23

20,000 white bitches following me because of Busy Phillips. And

1:20:26

I got a blue check mark, and that helps me

1:20:28

get jobs. I'm black, and I'm gay,

1:20:30

and a woman, and they don't want to give me

1:20:32

any fucking jobs, but they send a little check mark.

1:20:34

No, give me a little money. Right?

1:20:37

They give me a little money, and I left Twitter

1:20:39

because Elon's a fuck. But

1:20:41

then, this other billionaire fuck, fuck the

1:20:44

billionaire, and the enemy of my enemy

1:20:46

is my motherfucking friend. So

1:20:49

I, he really got me, he really is smart. Zuckerberg

1:20:53

is actually a genius, he's just an evil one, and

1:20:55

Elon is not a genius, he's just an evil white

1:20:58

man. And this is what happened.

1:21:00

I found out that if I went

1:21:02

to threads, I can keep my little blue fucking

1:21:04

check mark. And I'm going to

1:21:07

be very famous one day, and I don't

1:21:09

want anybody stealing my goddamn name. So

1:21:12

I did it, and I don't go on

1:21:14

there, and I don't plan on being there as much as

1:21:16

I was on Twitter, but I didn't want anybody to steal

1:21:18

my little blue fucking check mark that I

1:21:20

worked so fucking hard to get so I

1:21:22

can get my fucking cash. And that's

1:21:24

why I'm on threads.

1:21:27

Follow me. Thread,

1:21:30

thread, thread, thread, thread,

1:21:32

thread, thread. I'm

1:21:36

pouring it out in LA, baby. I

1:21:39

mean, Nori, you make me laugh online. I feel

1:21:41

like that's, I think that's how we met, or

1:21:43

how I knew you before we met in person.

1:21:45

I'm funny on there. That's crazy. Are

1:21:47

you, are you, are you on all, right? You know

1:21:50

what I mean? Because I, like, right, because it's like,

1:21:52

it's the blue sky, it's the thread, it's the rope,

1:21:54

it's the bundle, it's the back end. Oh, I didn't

1:21:56

even know all those. I

1:21:59

don't know all those. You're so good.

1:22:01

You smell so good. I have to say it in

1:22:03

the microphone. You smell so good. I appreciate that. What

1:22:05

is that? What do you know?

1:22:08

Play Lobo. Okay. Okay. You

1:22:11

sound pretty good. Italian Marbell. Italian

1:22:13

Marbell. I've been writing for TV for

1:22:15

two years. Yes, honey. You're

1:22:18

doing really well. That's what I was born

1:22:20

with. Will you be bullied? Will you be

1:22:22

bullied into going onto a... Well, can I

1:22:24

tell you, my perspective of this is someone

1:22:26

told me that you can't delete it. No,

1:22:28

you can't. So if you

1:22:30

want to delete it, you have to delete Instagram. You

1:22:33

can deactivate it, the thread, and then keep

1:22:36

your Instagram. You can deactivate it. No, I

1:22:38

can't delete it. You can deactivate it. You

1:22:40

just can't delete it. I went on the D-Sides. Without

1:22:43

deleting Instagram. But deactivate it. I

1:22:45

feel like if I'm deleting threads,

1:22:47

I'm probably deleting Instagram. But

1:22:49

also, in this age of the internet, what you

1:22:51

putting online that you don't want people to see?

1:22:54

Because when I first got my fucking

1:22:57

first big TV job, I

1:22:59

went on Twitter. I said,

1:23:01

upload archive delete.

1:23:06

And I'll tell y'all. Oh,

1:23:08

no, I can't. We inside

1:23:11

and delete. Which

1:23:13

one? I was going to tell y'all two tweets

1:23:15

that I was like, ooh. That was really good.

1:23:18

Screaming. Screaming. Pause

1:23:20

my dad. No, baby.

1:23:22

No. Which

1:23:25

one of these is best for my feed pics? Oh,

1:23:28

that's what Andy wants to know. Only fans.

1:23:30

Yeah, you're going to make some money. I would say TikTok's

1:23:32

going to be best for your feed. Reels?

1:23:35

Reels? You'll put your feet on reels

1:23:37

on TikTok and then they'll get the reels in

1:23:39

like six months. So you got to put your

1:23:41

feet on TikTok. You got to have wiki feeds, right? I have a wiki

1:23:43

feed. Quick braggin. Quick

1:23:46

braggin. What's your rating? I'm

1:23:48

trying to be like you one day. I

1:23:50

told people to rate me good. I give them toes

1:23:52

every now and then. I give them

1:23:54

toes. You know. Pause,

1:23:58

you're on it. Be careful. I

1:24:00

thought you will fall off the back of it.

1:24:02

No honey, I'm very acrobatic. Naturally. I've

1:24:04

literally heard a sentence that, like, never heard a

1:24:07

sentence that surprised me less. Do you know what

1:24:09

I mean? I'm very acrobatic. I'm like, naturally. I

1:24:11

don't speak. I'm gonna put this

1:24:13

one in my head, honey. You wanna see?

1:24:16

You got one more breathing. You know

1:24:18

what? I will. I

1:24:20

don't know why, but I'm gonna do it. What am I

1:24:22

doing? No. I missed it.

1:24:25

I've lost partial healing. Oh. Wow.

1:24:31

Amazing. For free? How?

1:24:36

I got... Okay, my turn.

1:24:38

Yeah. Never.

1:24:41

I could never do that. Yeah, if I do that, y'all

1:24:43

gonna have to wheel me out. Paul,

1:24:46

where are you at? I think you signed up for all of them. I

1:24:49

was oddly invited to threads before

1:24:51

it was open to the public. Oh. Fancy.

1:24:56

I was there when there were only a thousand

1:24:58

people on it, and it was really weird. What's

1:25:00

your number? What's your number? Damn.

1:25:04

My number's like six million some fucking

1:25:06

bullshit. But where were you on the

1:25:08

sag letter? Oh, man. Were you in

1:25:10

the first 300? You know. What

1:25:13

is it? What I would say is

1:25:15

this. You can control whatever the fuck

1:25:17

you put on the internet. Like, that's the

1:25:19

other thing, too. You can reveal as little

1:25:21

or as much as you want. Like, and

1:25:23

I feel like you can just be. I

1:25:25

don't have self-control. I'm sorry. I

1:25:28

just promote the show on 3. Here's

1:25:30

what I will say, though. We do

1:25:32

need another platform for organizing. Absolutely. Not

1:25:37

a... Feels like a weird brag, but

1:25:39

not a brag. I've organized

1:25:41

a lot with Black Lives Matter and

1:25:43

with Melina Abadula. Like,

1:25:45

everyone who created that, there was three

1:25:47

queer black women. And I know

1:25:50

there's been a lot of controversy with Patrice Collins, as well

1:25:52

as the other women, and I know there's been a lot

1:25:54

of controversy. But, like, when it came to

1:25:56

spreading information or doing Twitter threads

1:25:58

or spamming like... we bullied a

1:26:00

lot of motherfuckers out of doing stupid

1:26:03

ass shit on Twitter. We bullied them.

1:26:05

And listen, I'm not a bully, but

1:26:07

I do love comedy and I do

1:26:09

love roasting pictures. So like, when you

1:26:11

get to roast pictures in the name

1:26:13

of a good cause, bitch sign me

1:26:15

up. Like, I'm there, right? So we

1:26:18

love that. So it's like, we're losing

1:26:20

a platform that helps us do that,

1:26:22

helps us organize, helps us get together,

1:26:24

helps us know what was going on

1:26:26

in the fucking world when we otherwise

1:26:28

would have had no fucking idea. Like

1:26:31

I'm not trying to lose that kind of

1:26:33

platform. So it's like, if we got to

1:26:36

go to spill a blue sky, a mastodon,

1:26:38

a thread. My whole thing is like, people

1:26:40

are on threads. Like, how does this work? Exactly

1:26:43

like Twitter. That's exactly the same fucking thing. That's how you are

1:26:45

trying to do it. I know. But

1:26:48

honestly, I love that. Cause when I got

1:26:50

on Twitter as a teenager, it was like,

1:26:52

what the fuck is this? We

1:26:58

didn't even use the app people. That's why

1:27:00

I had to upload my whole timeline and

1:27:02

delete it. Sorry, as a teenager, the winner

1:27:04

was around when you were a teenager? Late

1:27:06

to young. No, when I was 18. Yeah.

1:27:09

That's a good one. Twitter, I think, like, it happened. Yeah, it's been

1:27:11

around a long time. Wow. The internet

1:27:13

wasn't around when I was a teenager. I know, I know,

1:27:15

I know. Everyone's under the age. Everyone's under the age. It

1:27:17

was like, let's pull up. So I feel like we all

1:27:19

have to collectively decide. Which space is

1:27:22

going to work for us because we

1:27:24

still need it as collective organizing and

1:27:32

bargaining as human beings. It's worked so

1:27:34

much and so well for us. So

1:27:36

you know, let's feel all these bitches

1:27:38

out. Because we've got 23 million people or 30 million people 24

1:27:41

hours. 30

1:27:43

million. Yeah. So that's what

1:27:45

it's going to be. And I'm not going to lie.

1:27:47

It was so easy. It was like, it was, you

1:27:49

already got an Instagram. Press this button.

1:27:51

All your shit. I don't like the

1:27:54

monopoly of it all. As a scammer,

1:27:56

I do not like the monopoly of

1:27:58

it all. that we

1:28:00

had Twitter for bullshit, we had Instagram for

1:28:02

other bullshit, like I don't like it all

1:28:05

being tied up together in one fucking

1:28:07

boat. It's like, what about E-Harmony?

1:28:10

I think that could be a place we

1:28:13

could kind of... Yeah, take action. Take action.

1:28:15

Who here has found a lover through E-Harmony?

1:28:18

Woo hoo! Are you a

1:28:20

black woman with a white man? Did you

1:28:22

find them from E-Harmony? No, let us know.

1:28:24

No. That's all they commercials, always be a

1:28:26

black woman with a white man. They'd be

1:28:28

like, woo hoo hoo hoo. No, I will

1:28:30

tell you, I signed up E-Harmony... What?

1:28:33

When? Before

1:28:35

your time. But when I

1:28:38

tell you, it is like the longest application,

1:28:41

read that, answer all these questions. So I do this, it

1:28:43

took, I want to say over an

1:28:45

hour, and literally it said, once it was like, boo boo

1:28:47

boo boo boo boo boo, it was like, unfortunately, you are

1:28:49

one of the 3% of people that

1:28:51

cannot be mad. What? What?

1:28:55

It is black women... Naomi, Naomi, you guys

1:28:57

are in a commercial, like woo hoo hoo

1:28:59

hoo hoo. It is black women

1:29:01

and Asian men are the least likely to

1:29:03

be matched or to find connections.

1:29:06

E-Harmony's whole thing was like, we are scientific,

1:29:08

we are not like the other app. No.

1:29:11

Scientifically they hate me. Science

1:29:13

is racist. Well, they are

1:29:15

drenched. Yeah, that's true too. No, you will die

1:29:18

alone. That's the reason why if you are black, you

1:29:20

know if you are going to the bathroom and they got

1:29:22

that automatic hand wash in, and you got to

1:29:24

show the palm of your hand because the black side don't work. You know

1:29:26

what I'm talking about? Don't show up. You can't

1:29:28

show this. You got to show this to get it to

1:29:31

turn on the thing. You got to get a piece of toilet

1:29:33

paper and put it under there. Yeah, it's in everything. It's

1:29:35

literally in everything. So you can

1:29:38

get some to dry your hands off. We

1:29:41

have time for one more. For one

1:29:43

more question. There, oh, I

1:29:45

see your hand. You're going to come in there. You don't have time

1:29:47

here to play. You say hi. Hi, hey

1:29:50

guys. Hi. Hello. Hello.

1:29:53

Basing you. Yes. I

1:29:56

have to. Also these keys are about their

1:29:58

utility. I'm a lesbian. Okay,

1:30:02

so I'll make this super quick. So

1:30:05

I met my partner in the pandemic. What

1:30:07

is she with you here? She's running a

1:30:09

baby. This is

1:30:12

the future liberals want. So I met my

1:30:15

partner in the pandemic and my

1:30:18

sister lives in San Diego, but she lived

1:30:20

in LA during the pandemic. So this is

1:30:22

an issue with COVID consciousness. My sister is

1:30:25

younger than I am, she didn't really care

1:30:27

too much about COVID as it happens. So

1:30:29

when we first started dating, we had a

1:30:31

tough time communicating and

1:30:33

getting together with her. She

1:30:35

didn't understand a lot

1:30:37

of COVID. Long story

1:30:39

short, fast forward to now, three

1:30:41

years later, she's still having a problem with

1:30:43

me and her because she told me that

1:30:46

she said, Teresa, I need your girlfriend to

1:30:49

be friends with me. Like I need you.

1:30:51

Yeah, like I need her to like me.

1:30:53

How old is she? She's 26 and

1:30:55

I'm 30. She's still

1:30:57

in her like 20s. She has

1:30:59

zero therapists. She

1:31:02

has zero hands though, hands. Listen, I know. I

1:31:04

don't even go out very much. I'm out today.

1:31:07

I know. I'm in the bank. I heard a mess

1:31:09

and her sister who ain't here. So

1:31:12

she wants to be friends. So

1:31:14

I think she's just having a problem because

1:31:16

she thinks that like her and my girlfriend

1:31:19

aren't close. But I think it's an issue

1:31:21

because like the only things that she

1:31:23

tells us is like how terrible her dates go

1:31:25

and like all the straight men that she's dating.

1:31:27

She's a therapist. So I don't know. I guess

1:31:30

my question is like it. My

1:31:32

problem is that I feel very much in the middle of

1:31:34

this. You know, it's like my girlfriend and like my sister

1:31:36

who I'm truly best friends with. Now, do your

1:31:38

girlfriend now fuck with her because that's what you're giving. So

1:31:41

no, she does. She's a girlfriend now. She's a

1:31:43

woman on the map. She's a woman on the

1:31:46

map. She's a woman on the map. She's

1:31:49

taking a step away. She's just talk but

1:31:51

not on mic. Also, okay. But she makes bad decisions.

1:31:55

She makes bad decisions. And again, she's in her early 20s. So

1:31:57

we, you know, I'm not going to be like, here's what you

1:31:59

should do. We said her late party! That's

1:32:02

so early! Mid-late!

1:32:06

As a freshman in the 30s. I

1:32:10

think we like her but it's hard because

1:32:12

she just doesn't... I

1:32:14

don't judge people until 27. When

1:32:17

that Saturn returns! I'm

1:32:20

going to say you ain't grown until you're 30. Okay,

1:32:25

so your question definitively is

1:32:27

like, you're in the middle of

1:32:29

this. I'm in the middle of this and I

1:32:31

don't need them to be best friends. But I

1:32:34

just don't want there to be anonymity because... This

1:32:37

is why I don't understand. I have to just clarify. So

1:32:40

your sister's in San Diego a couple hours

1:32:42

away. It ain't like she's trying to hang out all

1:32:45

the time. So she lives in LA for

1:32:47

most of the pandemic. Right, but she's not here anymore. I

1:32:50

guess I'm kind of wondering what kind of relationship

1:32:52

is she looking for? For sure. So

1:32:56

me and my girlfriend live together and she thinks

1:32:58

it's okay to just call and be like, Hey,

1:33:00

I'm coming up. And

1:33:02

then we're like, ooh, ooh, ooh. I

1:33:04

see, I see. There's

1:33:06

a lot to this so I shouldn't... That's the real

1:33:08

question. I think your sister's the

1:33:11

problem. Yeah,

1:33:13

I guess my question is like, truly it's just

1:33:15

boundaries. I'm a boundary bitch and I'll say something

1:33:17

and then everybody will hate it and then we'll

1:33:20

be fine. I'll

1:33:22

say this. I think that your sister

1:33:24

wants to be best friends with your

1:33:26

partner because you like your

1:33:28

partner so much. And I

1:33:30

think that that is a thing. There's a

1:33:32

bit of therapy and I think that there

1:33:35

is the kid sister aspect of it. But

1:33:37

I also think that there is something inherent

1:33:39

in us to want someone

1:33:41

who does not love us

1:33:44

to love us. I

1:33:46

don't know your partner, but your partner set a

1:33:48

very firm boundary when they said, I don't want

1:33:51

to talk in the microphone. And

1:33:53

I was like, you know what, baby? You ain't

1:33:55

got to talk to me. And

1:33:58

I'll take it a step further. You're

1:34:00

the eldest. I'm middle, but

1:34:03

you're older than her older than her. Yeah, but you're yeah

1:34:08

I'm technically not the eldest but

1:34:14

I'm the Kim K of my Middle

1:34:18

Kim K But

1:34:22

oh fight you

1:34:24

after this I love

1:34:27

but Listen gays can fight

1:34:29

each other is this is pride Responsibility

1:34:36

that kind of comes You

1:34:40

feel it right when you're older than

1:34:42

your sibling and you feel in charge

1:34:44

of them and you feel like whatever

1:34:46

Dumbass shit that they're doing it falls

1:34:48

on your shoulders and you're like, please

1:34:50

stop fucking up like and you become

1:34:52

the prodigal child I this

1:34:55

year through therapy again and relinquish

1:34:59

those ties like

1:35:03

quick story my sister was

1:35:06

moving she went to the same school that I went

1:35:08

to on scholarships and The

1:35:10

same scholarships I went on actually not the same. Okay,

1:35:13

I guess they're not giving out the same money no more They

1:35:16

gave me full switch. I guess I guess they gave

1:35:18

her partial. I don't know that called the financial aid

1:35:27

I Called

1:35:29

the financial aid office and had friends there and got her more

1:35:32

money But

1:35:39

She ended up not liking it there and then moving back

1:35:41

and she needed to move back and like all these boxes

1:35:43

and shit She needed to move. She's just trying to have

1:35:45

me do it. So I had my assistant helper and Then

1:35:49

she wanted me to pay for it. I was like, wait a minute. I

1:35:51

got parents who birthed this motherfucker. I

1:35:53

didn't do this They don't pay for

1:35:56

this shit and I was like it was the

1:35:58

first time in my life where I was like Nah,

1:36:00

like I'm not your parent. I

1:36:03

am your sister So you

1:36:05

can treat her like a friend and I will

1:36:07

tell you on the back end When

1:36:10

you put that boundary up between you and

1:36:12

your badass black girlfriend who refused to come up

1:36:14

here That

1:36:17

she will accept it and I know that

1:36:19

there's a fear that you think like if

1:36:21

you say no when you've never said no

1:36:24

That they won't come back

1:36:27

to you, but they fucking

1:36:29

will Because

1:36:31

you're a good fucking person and she wants

1:36:33

to be with you and around you So

1:36:35

she's still gonna come motherfucking back. So say

1:36:37

no put that wall up She can't be

1:36:39

dropped down here all willingness You make plans

1:36:41

like that wall up and she will come

1:36:43

back to you with plans And she will

1:36:45

show up the way that you want her to show

1:36:47

up because you have always shown up in the way

1:36:49

That has been wonderful in her life and she knows

1:36:51

that and she has that proof that she might push

1:36:53

back a little bit Listen, I just cuss me out

1:36:55

when I said I ain't paying for these goddamn boxes

1:37:00

Make a plea But that's the

1:37:03

business to get in telling boxes. I every

1:37:05

time I gotta buy boxes so much money

1:37:07

for boxes I'll bring it back. I'll

1:37:09

give these Amazon boxes back. Why don't I take them?

1:37:14

She'll come back to you so put

1:37:17

the wall up. Yes build that wall I

1:37:32

Also want to just tag on to this I don't know if this

1:37:34

is totally But I think

1:37:36

you're a hundred percent right, but I also think

1:37:39

when you're young like that you expect Oh your

1:37:41

girlfriend is gonna be my friend. That's not the

1:37:43

way shit works Sometimes

1:37:45

you hate your family members like not

1:37:47

your family members like the spouses or

1:37:49

whatever your partner there Sometimes you can

1:37:52

stand them sometimes you genuinely like them, but it's

1:37:54

it's not a given It's sort of like you

1:37:56

just hope you can stand them. I'll say this

1:37:58

too, and I find this a lot with my partner

1:38:00

in queer relationships, people think that like, oh,

1:38:03

so we're like all girls, so we should

1:38:05

all hang out. And it's like, if that

1:38:07

was a man, your sister would not be

1:38:09

trying to be best friends with your

1:38:11

man. Wow. Very, very, very queer

1:38:14

specific. I believe this is also

1:38:16

my queer specific for like lesbians

1:38:18

or women or femme, femme women.

1:38:20

Cause like, people will be like, you and

1:38:22

your girlfriend come and I'd be like, why the fuck she coming? You're

1:38:28

my friend. But

1:38:30

I can tell from your vibe that

1:38:32

you're a nice person, that you take

1:38:34

care of your family. And so don't

1:38:37

be scared to put up a boundary

1:38:39

because everything you've done in your life

1:38:41

before this is going to be the

1:38:43

path that everyone sees. And they're going

1:38:45

to recognize that. And so if you

1:38:47

put up boundaries, maybe there's a little

1:38:50

pushback, but at the end of

1:38:52

the day, they're going to come back to you and they're

1:38:54

going to love you more for it because you are who

1:38:56

you are. So you good. You're

1:38:58

doing it with love, right? I mean,

1:39:00

that's everything to you. And love wins.

1:39:03

With love. Build

1:39:05

that wall. It's so weird. It's

1:39:08

so weird. It's so weird.

1:39:12

Be that? Yes.

1:39:15

Of course. Yeah,

1:39:18

my best black girlfriend, go be on our own. With

1:39:20

love. Well,

1:39:23

I think there's no better way. Yes.

1:39:26

That's our show, everyone. That is

1:39:28

our wonderful night. Thank you so much.

1:39:31

Shantira Jackson, Nori Reed,

1:39:34

Lacey Moses, Paul Shear,

1:39:36

permanent record, Sam Baralla.

1:39:39

Yes! Thank

1:39:43

you so much for coming out. Get home soon,

1:39:45

feel the good. Bye! Hello,

1:39:53

dear listeners. Andy

1:39:55

here. Jumping

1:40:00

in real quick to tell you

1:40:02

about Trojan Bearskin Raw Condoms. Now,

1:40:05

as you know, Naomi and I

1:40:07

are a sex-neg, sex-nooch couple. But

1:40:10

all that really means is we don't want to

1:40:12

talk about our groins in public. But

1:40:15

what we do want to talk

1:40:17

about and advocate for is safe

1:40:19

sex and the use of Trojan

1:40:21

Bearskin Raw Condoms, America's fittest latex

1:40:24

condoms among leading brands. Do

1:40:26

I like having to say the word raw? Not

1:40:29

even to reference that famous Eddie Murphy special.

1:40:31

But I'll say raw until the cows come

1:40:33

home in order to tell you about how

1:40:35

safe and sin the Trojan Bearskin Raw

1:40:38

Condoms are. They let you feel

1:40:40

closer to your partner and enjoy

1:40:42

a thinner, more natural experience. You

1:40:45

know how much we advocate for public health

1:40:47

on the show, and these condoms are

1:40:49

triple tested and made from premium quality latex

1:40:51

to help reduce the risk of pregnancy

1:40:53

and STIs. And Trojan Raw

1:40:56

is even available as a non-latex

1:40:58

condom, which is designed to enhance

1:41:00

body heat transfer between partners. So

1:41:02

look, no matter whether you're sex-neg,

1:41:04

sex-nooch, or sex-positive, these are the

1:41:06

condoms for you. And they're

1:41:09

available at all major retailers nationwide.

1:41:11

Trojan Bearskin Raw Condoms, let's

1:41:13

go! Tired

1:41:20

of ads crashing your comedy podcast

1:41:22

party? Good news! Ad-free

1:41:24

listening on Amazon Music is included with

1:41:26

your Prime membership. Just head

1:41:29

to amazon.com/adfreecomedy to catch up

1:41:31

on the latest episodes without

1:41:33

the ads. Start

1:41:37

the new year off with a bang of big savings

1:41:39

during the Omaha Steaks End of Season event. You can

1:41:42

stock up on all your favorites and get 50% off

1:41:45

side wide. That's 50% off perfectly

1:41:47

aged tender steaks, juicy burgers, decadent desserts,

1:41:49

and even classic comfort meals. Go to

1:41:51

omahsteaks.com and when you use code SPICE

1:41:53

at checkout you'll get an extra $30

1:41:56

off your order. That's omahsteaks.com promo code

1:41:58

SPICE at checkout for an extra $30

1:42:00

for an extra $30 off your order. off your order. Minimum

1:42:02

purchase may apply. Omaha

1:42:04

Steaks, America's Original Butcher.

1:42:09

As we age, cellular function

1:42:11

declines, which may impact changes

1:42:13

in energy and strength. Ordinary

1:42:15

supplements such as multivitamins and

1:42:18

minerals may not be enough

1:42:20

to combat the age-related declines.

1:42:22

Solgar's cellular nutrition is a

1:42:24

holistic collection of cellular nutrients

1:42:26

formulated to help fight cellular

1:42:29

decline and promote cell health.

1:42:31

Visit cellularnutrition.solgar.com to learn more.

1:42:33

Solgar's cellular nutrition, they go

1:42:35

sell deep. These statements have

1:42:37

not been evaluated by the Food

1:42:39

and Drug Administration. This product is not intended

1:42:41

to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.