0:03

On the creative journey, it's

0:05

easy to get lost, but

0:07

don't worry, you'll lift up.

0:11

Sometimes you just need a

0:13

creative pep talk. Hey

0:22

you're listening to Creative Pep Talk, a

0:24

weekly podcast companion for your creative journey.

0:27

I'm your host Andy J. Pizza. My

0:29

best-selling author and illustrator in this show is everything

0:32

I'm learning about building and maintaining

0:34

a thriving creative practice. Let's

0:41

talk about how to write

0:43

your inner monologue and how that's

0:45

essential to finding your creative voice.

0:48

This episode is for you if you struggle

0:51

to find where the literal voices of others

0:53

and the metaphorical creative voices

0:55

of your heroes end and where

0:57

you begin. Or

0:59

if limitations were put on you by others

1:02

that you have had a hard time shaking

1:04

off. Or you need

1:06

help finding a starting place to

1:08

build off of in terms of

1:10

building your creative identity and how you

1:12

think of yourself as a creator. Stick

1:15

to the end and I'll share

1:17

an exercise for finding words that

1:19

can act as initial building blocks

1:21

for developing your own creative voice.

1:24

But first we got to

1:26

talk about why the first step to tuning

1:28

into your creative voice might be tuning out

1:31

of other critical voices from

1:33

your past. Let's

1:36

go. I

1:50

really needed to rehaul my website. I was talking

1:52

to some web people looking around

1:54

and I got intrigued by Squarespace's

1:56

new fluid engine partially because it

1:58

just sounds cool. We

2:00

don't allow you to drag and resides

2:02

and layer up anything you can imagine.

2:04

A dove and rebuilt my site. It's

2:06

the most me site that I've ever

2:08

had. I just absolutely love it. Launched

2:10

it got such a great response. Some

2:12

industry illustration in designing peers even read

2:14

sounds like a who coded this thing

2:16

Man am I got a good about

2:18

myself. No coding was Clear Spaces new

2:20

fluid engine. I told him I do.

2:22

You should check it out. you're gonna

2:24

be surprised what you can deal. And

2:27

I built this thing before. Square. Space reached

2:29

out to sponsor the show. Sounds like Boom

2:31

Easy be the I was gonna tell you

2:33

about this new site. Anyway, go check it

2:35

out. Any J Pizza.coms you'll see what I

2:37

did with it. If you want to try

2:39

it yourself, make a site. It's totally year

2:41

where you can build a portfolio, sell content,

2:44

courses, and all kinds of other staff. Had

2:46

to square space.com for free trial and when

2:48

you're ready to launch, say ten percent off

2:50

your first purchase of a website or demand

2:52

with promo code. have talked all one word.

2:54

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4:13

So I saw this meme

4:15

and I don't know of

4:17

it's actually based on some

4:20

kind a true story that

4:22

you know, like like most

4:24

means all by in this.

4:26

Meme: There's a woman talking to

4:28

a doctor and she's telling him

4:31

that she hears voices in her

4:33

head and see then diagnosis her

4:35

with having. Thoughts.

4:38

I don't have. This is something

4:41

that. Has. Actually

4:43

happened. By. What?

4:45

Is it did happen. I can

4:47

kind of relate to this idea.

4:49

this experience. I can imagine it

4:51

like her whole life. She heard

4:53

people joke and make comments about

4:55

people having voices in their heads

4:57

and then was too afraid to

4:59

speak up. With. Their own voice

5:02

and externalize or experience enough to realize

5:04

that the voice she was hearing in

5:06

her head was. Quite

5:08

a typical experience. It

5:11

was just her version of having

5:13

an inner monologue or what most

5:15

of us know as thinking. Now.

5:19

Yes, There are people with the

5:21

unfortunate burden of real, quote, unquote

5:23

voices in their head with diagnosable

5:25

conditions and disorders, and I personally

5:28

don't suffer from any of those

5:30

by I can relate to this

5:32

woman because even though there's only

5:34

one voice in my head. And.

5:37

That voice sounds like me. That.

5:40

Voice sure does have a

5:42

lot of extremely contradictory ideas

5:44

and opinions and conflicting hopes

5:46

and dreams. Once. Again,

5:48

he wants to lose ten pounds. The next

5:51

second, he wants to eat ten quarter pounder.

5:53

Cheeseburgers woman. He wants to be an

5:55

artist and live open out there in

5:57

the world and the next minute he

6:00

wants to her in a cave and

6:02

never speak to or see another human

6:04

being again. That's. Why

6:06

I think most of us are

6:08

so attracted to stories like Dr.

6:11

Jekyll and Mr Hyde or Fight

6:13

Club, or recently Marvel's Moon. Nice

6:15

because even though we don't have

6:17

this extreme of an outer experience

6:20

of really feeling like multiple different

6:22

people, it's still illustrating something about

6:24

what our inner world can feel

6:27

like sometimes. Parsing, Out

6:29

who this person inside of you

6:31

really is is a trip all

6:33

on it's own. So how in

6:35

the world are we supposed to

6:37

say yes to the even more

6:39

seemingly impossible journey of crystallizing this

6:41

into some sort of coherence, creative

6:43

voice? Even. The smallest amount

6:45

of progress requires you to do a

6:47

ton of advanced sort of tuning in.

6:50

To do that the first thing I

6:53

think we have to do is to

6:55

an hour all those other voices from

6:57

our lives and in our minds that

7:00

are telling us to drown out ourselves

7:02

and keep it all sept. And.

7:05

As messy and as confusing as

7:07

that journey might be, I hope

7:09

you choose to speak up and

7:11

use your voice anyway. Just.

7:13

Like that meme woman did when she

7:16

finally had the courage to go talk

7:18

to her doctor. Like her and like

7:20

me when you do. You're. Probably

7:23

going to find out that some

7:25

of the most strange concerns or

7:28

ailments be very. Concerning

7:30

weird, parts of you are

7:32

also just a part of

7:35

the human. This.

7:45

Is episodes three of Right Side

7:47

Out the series that we're right

7:49

in the middle Laws where we

7:51

are exploring the difficult journey of

7:53

trying to make authentic, creative work

7:55

that you love. Unlike

7:57

almost every other series or app

8:00

though to the podcast, these episodes

8:02

are not self contained in work

8:04

sequentially and order. So if you

8:06

haven't heard episodes one in two

8:08

of the series, we suggest going

8:10

back and starting their episode One

8:12

is episode Four forty nine of

8:14

this show Creative Pep Talk and

8:17

episode to as episode Four Fifty

8:19

of Create A Pep Talk. This.

8:21

Episode has some

8:23

serious. Personal story telling

8:26

about things that happened and

8:28

my own life. That.

8:30

Led to what I consider to be.

8:33

My. Biggest person or

8:35

and creative breakthroughs. Now.

8:38

And the last episode I spoke about how

8:40

much I adored my mom and how a

8:42

like we were. And. I shared

8:45

some of the stories of the good times. Now.

8:47

And today's episode where briefly

8:50

gonna discuss what happened next.

8:52

And. This is just a

8:54

trigger warning that there are some

8:56

really heavy seems that we are

8:59

going to discuss in a general

9:01

way including drugs, cancer, And.

9:03

A mention of domestic abuse.

9:06

We. Have attempted to handle every

9:09

part of this with tax

9:11

and care and there isn't

9:13

anything overly explicit or disturbing

9:15

that we discussed, but the

9:17

story gets pretty sad in

9:19

this point and are some

9:21

seems that come up so

9:24

it's not really recommended to

9:26

listen when you have kids

9:28

around. If. I'm in

9:30

your shoes. I might be wondering like

9:32

if it's that sad and that person

9:34

or why are you telling me stories?

9:36

Well for me these were. The.

9:39

Most formative moments? good and bad.

9:41

and these events made me the

9:43

person that I am. And they

9:46

illustrate the constant internal game of

9:48

push him Paul that I've played

9:50

ever since. This. Is my side

9:52

of the story. Is not a tell

9:54

all. It's just me sharing

9:57

the experiences that for me from

9:59

my perspective. So. In

10:01

this episode we're going to investigate those

10:04

out our voices that can so easily

10:06

get internalized, an attempt to turn them

10:08

right side out. But first I have

10:10

to tell you about the three words

10:13

in my head that nearly tore me

10:15

apart from the and. Last

10:34

week I told you that

10:36

grown up in the nineties

10:38

and midwestern suburban America, the

10:41

kids I knew seem to

10:43

sit pretty squarely into two

10:45

different camps the with a

10:48

nice clean Disney Kids and

10:50

the kids like me weird,

10:52

absurd Slynn enthusiast Nickelodeon kids.

10:55

I. Can still draw hey Arnold

10:57

from memory dog even Sponge Bob

10:59

Square Pants and I got my

11:02

knack for drawing and all things

11:04

weird from my mother. I.

11:08

Was just like her or

11:10

so my aunts and uncles

11:12

and grandparents would always say.

11:15

I live with my dad growing

11:17

up by. On the rare occasion

11:19

that I did get to see

11:21

her, I saw this likeness and

11:24

I cherished it's. Just

11:26

like her was something I carried

11:28

around like a proud motto. It

11:31

was like my middle name. If

11:33

I'd been named after her, I

11:35

was Andy. Just like her. Miller.

11:37

I mean Pizza. These.

11:40

Words had given me confidence. They

11:42

had boosted me so I could

11:44

go do the show and tell

11:46

a crush it with my drawings

11:48

and feed me out there in

11:50

the world because I saw this

11:52

person that I was just like

11:54

and I thought she was incredible.

11:58

That is until I got. It

12:17

wasn't until I was a teenager

12:19

that I started to realize that

12:21

the same folks that had told

12:23

me I was just like her

12:25

didn't actually seem to have the

12:27

highest opinion of her. She's.

12:30

Always late, she can't commit any

12:32

relationship. She treats employment like serving

12:34

jail time. I mean, Honestly,

12:37

From where I was standing, I couldn't

12:40

argue with them. I'd never know my

12:42

mom to have a job. The.

12:44

Only thing I saw her commit to was

12:46

a pack a day and a bath a

12:48

day for lifelong commitment to soak it in

12:50

smoking. And. I

12:52

also have lots of stories of

12:54

my mom not as being late,

12:56

but sometimes not showing up at

12:58

all. Last. Week I shared

13:00

a clip of my older brother, my only sibling

13:02

with the same mom and dad. Talking

13:05

about what it was like

13:07

growing up with me as

13:09

a kid and he also

13:11

in that conversation brought up

13:13

a particular time where he

13:15

and I were left waiting.

13:27

For more looking out the window. Waiting

13:30

for the and show up and waiting.

13:32

I remember sitting here looking up a

13:34

big window for for us for two

13:37

hours. one time waiting for her car.

13:39

a show of potatoes Things I was.

13:42

A disgrace to the get a phone call

13:45

and never will. Nothing there were some was

13:47

to knew who was just she never showed

13:49

up. I.

14:03

Have the same vivid memory

14:05

of waiting by that window

14:07

looking outside at the driveway

14:09

and just trying to wells

14:11

her to show off to

14:13

pull in to that driveway

14:16

and pick us up and

14:18

take us to have Park

14:20

Kings I. Did.

14:22

She call that they had a we

14:24

end up knowing she wasn't coming and

14:26

all. I don't know. I don't really

14:29

remember a call but I do remember

14:31

waiting and waiting and waiting for her

14:33

to show up. Another

14:37

memory that comes to mind that

14:39

kind of in a similar vein

14:41

was this one time. I.

14:44

Went to the bowling alley for this

14:46

school field trip when I was probably

14:48

about nine years old and see lived

14:50

a an hour and fifteen minutes away

14:53

and she was supposed to come drive

14:55

over and get me and take me

14:57

back to her house for the weekend.

14:59

but. She. Just

15:01

never showed up. And.

15:04

I know that like nowadays we have protocols

15:06

in schools to prevent this from happening by.

15:08

Every other kid was picked up and I

15:10

don't even remember any teachers waiting for me.

15:12

I think the last one had to go

15:14

somewhere and I think she was like your

15:16

mom is coming right now like yeah yeah

15:18

she'll be yes and I call my mom

15:20

and I called or and I called her

15:23

and I called her and finally I got

15:25

a hold of her and found out that

15:27

she was still at home. That.

15:29

She hadn't last yet. And.

15:31

Seeds forgotten that this was the weekend and

15:33

I was supposed to stay over at her

15:35

house. It must

15:38

adjust slipped her mind I guess. And

15:40

by it I mean me. I

15:43

think my dad, my step mom. We're still

15:45

at work, but eventually they came and got

15:47

me and I just ended up staying at

15:49

my own house that weekend. In.

15:52

My teens there were fewer and

15:54

fewer visits from or fewer letters

15:56

fewer cause my mom's side of

15:59

the family. Came into a

16:01

small inheritance and the panic of

16:03

having a small pot of money

16:05

after living really frugal a for

16:08

years seem to spark a season

16:10

of recklessness. It. Was during

16:12

that time that my mom left her second

16:14

husband. She left her second set of kids

16:17

my other brother and sister and ran off

16:19

with a guy that none of us really

16:21

knew much about. For. Years

16:23

Communication was extremely sparse and

16:25

we didn't always know what

16:27

state she was in like

16:29

geographically speaking like in the

16:32

United States but also says

16:34

likely or mentally. we didn't

16:36

know what states. No

16:38

one really knew. Better.

17:13

School. My mental state wasn't

17:15

so thirty. The

17:17

family moved around a lot even though

17:19

I'd been doing well in grade school

17:22

and I was in the gifted class.

17:24

As school progressed and studying and organization

17:26

and long term planning became more and

17:28

more a central one more of the

17:30

focus, I started to fall through the

17:33

cracks. As. Missing assignments for

17:35

getting homework for getting that past

17:37

had tons of anxiety around it

17:39

off. I really quit. Having

17:41

any interest in any of

17:43

that and was having social

17:46

struggles and fell into a

17:48

pretty severe depression. Started.

17:51

To slip pretty bad and I lost

17:53

a handle on all of the frying

17:55

and effort and that I was doing

17:58

and I just started doing whatever. The

18:00

saying sounded good to do

18:02

next. Whose party in

18:04

Sneaking out a lot? Me in my

18:07

friends are go to Denny's all nine,

18:09

drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and just

18:11

go home feeling absolutely awful. We'd.

18:14

Also go hang out at as

18:16

bowling alley that my friend's dad

18:18

was the manager of and pound

18:20

Mountain Dews and energy drinks and

18:22

smoke cigarettes and other stuff. And

18:25

it was at that bowling alley

18:27

when I got a phone call.

18:30

It was my Aunt Sandy. It.

18:33

Was the same sandy that called me

18:35

and episode one. She's.

18:37

My mom's fraternal twin sister. She's

18:39

got blonde hair My mom has.

18:42

Dark hair and like Glenda the good wedge

18:44

in the eyes of my family at least

18:47

see as the good twin. Of.

18:49

Refrain from doing my goofy at

18:51

sandy voice here because considering the

18:53

message that she delivered, it doesn't

18:56

really feel appropriate. She

18:58

told me that my mom was in

19:00

the hospital. Here.

19:03

Are the details that I remember

19:05

her sharing? In that

19:07

phone call. So.

19:10

To no one of my

19:12

family's knowledge, my mom had

19:14

been having seizures and see

19:16

had gone into this really.

19:19

Intense seizure that she couldn't recover from

19:21

and was rushed to the hospital. Apparently

19:25

she had been prescribed mads

19:27

by her doctor for. Reducing.

19:31

The seizures but she hadn't been taking

19:33

them because it was stopping her high.

19:36

When I heard that was like what hi, what are you

19:38

talking about. And.

19:40

That's when I found out

19:42

that my mom had developed

19:45

a pretty significant addiction to

19:47

street drugs stimulants. for

19:50

her dignity sake of just

19:52

decided not to explicitly say

19:54

more about that by as

19:56

far as my drug knowledge

19:58

is concerned It's about

20:00

as serious as it gets and I'll just

20:02

leave it there. I

20:05

asked my aunt Sandy like, where's her boyfriend that

20:07

she's been with and found out that he had

20:09

dropped her off there, but was now out of

20:11

the picture. And it had

20:13

come to light that he'd been physically

20:16

abusive with her. As

20:18

they treated the seizure, they found out

20:21

that it was actually caused by a

20:23

cancerous brain tumor that would require immediate

20:25

surgery. I feel like

20:27

it's unclear to me now, like, and

20:30

maybe it was unclear to the doctors as well,

20:33

what order of these things happened. Like

20:36

did the addiction create the tumor?

20:39

Was the tumor responsible for the

20:41

seizures? Like what did the

20:43

physical abuse have anything to do with any

20:45

of that? I don't really know and it

20:47

doesn't really matter. Uh,

20:49

but it was really

20:51

bad and I felt like my

20:54

head was spinning. And I

20:56

just told my aunt Sandy like, Hey, just

20:58

keep me posted, uh, and

21:00

tell me, let me know how the surgery goes. And

21:04

I hung up the phone and

21:06

once again, found myself in a

21:08

crowded, smoky bowling alley, worrying about

21:11

my mom and hoping that she

21:13

hadn't left me. It

21:33

all happened so fast that I didn't get

21:36

to even see her at

21:38

the hospital, but luckily she

21:40

progressed and was discharged pretty

21:42

quickly. First

21:44

time I did see my mom after

21:46

that all went down was at her

21:48

mom's house, my grandma's house. It

21:51

was the same place where she'd drawn

21:53

that Wolverine Marvel superhero

21:55

and Sharpie on my X-Men

21:58

trading card binder. And

22:00

the same room where she'd show me

22:02

that big stack of papers with her

22:05

picture book sketches and read me all

22:07

those silly twisty rhymes. This

22:10

time though, she was sat at the coffee

22:12

table when I came in and

22:14

she was sat in front of a different

22:16

stack of papers. When

22:19

I got closer, I got a

22:21

look at what they were and

22:24

kind of gathered that these were

22:26

grade school level

22:29

vocabulary worksheets. She

22:32

didn't need to say much for me to

22:34

understand why she was

22:36

working through these. In

22:39

fact, she couldn't really say much at all. Hey,

22:42

she jumped up and she

22:44

squeezed me the same way

22:47

that she always has. And

22:50

she was clearly still herself,

22:52

but then she fumbled

22:54

and she was stammering and she got

22:57

frustrated because she couldn't find her words.

23:00

And I remember her saying

23:02

something like, yeah, I

23:05

can't remember. Like,

23:08

oh, dang it. Like

23:12

that. Those were the kinds of things that she

23:14

was just kind of repeating over and over. My

23:18

mom, who has never shut up,

23:21

has never stopped chatting or laughing,

23:24

whose voice and words were

23:26

so quintessential to who she

23:29

is, had lost

23:31

her ability to say almost anything.

23:34

The tumor had been safely removed, but

23:36

so had almost all of the words

23:38

that she knew in the process. It

23:42

was really traumatic to

23:44

see this person that I loved so

23:46

much lose their voice because

23:50

chatty blabberheads like that.

23:54

It's their essence. It's who they are.

23:58

And she kept saying words that she couldn't. remember,

24:00

I remember she must have said, I

24:02

love you a hundred times. But

24:05

even more than that, she just kept

24:07

saying, I'm sorry. As

24:10

I left, I was shaken

24:13

and really in shock by how

24:15

dramatically her life had made a

24:17

turn for the worse. And

24:20

I was choking on three words

24:23

myself, just

24:25

like her. And the

24:28

voice in my head added, this is

24:31

you. This is the road

24:33

you're on. This is who you

24:35

are. This is what the world

24:37

has in store for people like

24:40

you. It's all going to end

24:42

in tragedy, just like her.

24:45

I really had

24:47

internalized the power of those words

24:49

that other people had said to

24:51

me. I built on them. I'd

24:53

made them my identity. They'd

24:55

become the definition of who I was. And

24:58

I had a really hard time separating myself

25:00

from this middle name

25:02

that followed me my whole

25:04

childhood. And

25:07

as I looked out into my future,

25:10

every road seemed to lead to

25:12

a place that was worse than

25:14

the super dark place that I

25:16

was already in. And

25:18

honestly, I didn't want to live

25:20

that out. Looking

25:27

back, I can

25:29

see that it

25:32

was in these

25:35

really low,

25:37

really dark times

25:39

that this new fiery

25:54

determination started bubbling up

25:56

within me. And

25:58

I Made a commitment to myself. And

26:00

I just decided somewhere along the

26:02

way and I was it gonna

26:05

be like my mom. And

26:07

better yeah was can be

26:10

the opposite of who she

26:12

was. Another show offs I

26:14

work hard raid commit to

26:16

saying to midst of people

26:18

even if is totally destroyed.

27:25

I. Was obsessed with watching movies at the time

27:27

so I thought. Maybe. I'll get a

27:30

job at the movie theater. Turns

27:32

out watching movies has nothing to do

27:34

with this. I worked in this little

27:36

box selling tickets. It was super claustrophobic

27:38

and I felt locked in a small

27:40

space of my legs were wiggly from

27:42

trying to stand still all day and

27:44

my brain was bouncing off the walls

27:46

or my skull. But.

27:48

I stuck at it. I

27:51

tried to focus on the math and the money,

27:53

but will my boss counted the drawer down. At

27:55

the end of the day I came up short.

27:57

I somehow had lost a bunch of money. Even.

28:00

Know I'd shown up in. I kept it

28:02

zipped up a I kept my but in

28:05

the chair. I still didn't measure up. This.

28:08

Was the first time that happened

28:10

but it wasn't the last time

28:12

and eventually they just mostly had

28:14

me clean theaters after the movies

28:16

let out. A been demoted from

28:18

what felt like the most basic

28:20

job going. How's it gonna survive?

28:22

I. Kept showing up. But. I

28:24

knew I couldn't do it forever. If

28:27

I was gonna be able to commit

28:29

to this, just keep working. just keep

28:31

swimming. sang in the long run have

28:33

to find something. You

28:41

know those annoying people that are like

28:43

this ban changed my life man. Well.

28:45

That's exactly the type of person that

28:47

I am. One day before Spanish class

28:50

started in high school. I walked into

28:52

the room and music unlike anything I

28:54

had ever heard was playing on the

28:56

Boom Box and first it sounded weird

28:58

and I wasn't even sure that I

29:00

liked it by a captured my attention.

29:03

I bought the Cd right after school

29:05

and I just played it over and

29:07

over and over again until I clapped

29:09

and I guess. The

29:12

lead singer Isaac Brock things were

29:14

says bar T kind of Saudi

29:16

voice that was initially a little

29:18

bit jarring by of densely it

29:20

was this voice that made the

29:22

song so uniquely compelling. As

29:25

my brain decoded this noise and

29:27

found the melodies and they're a

29:29

similar kind of decoding began happening

29:31

in my life. I

29:34

didn't play music, but all these

29:36

bands had this wildly illustrated merge,

29:38

crafted by weird and rt designers,

29:40

all with creative voices as unique

29:42

as the singers themselves. I.

29:44

Know now it was their. Case.

29:47

Full use of negative space and visual

29:49

stalled principles at work. but at the

29:51

time I was just like wow man

29:53

this is so dope it's like blow

29:56

my mind. and even

29:58

more for what i can tell this looked

30:00

like some kind of job. It

30:04

was as if for the first time I could

30:06

hear my own creative voice calling

30:08

me, whispering from the future, beckoning

30:11

me forward, daring me to say

30:13

yes. My first creative call to

30:15

adventure. So

30:24

I went to school for illustration and design,

30:26

but when I got to school and told

30:28

the teachers I wanted to use the time

30:30

at school to find my style and hone

30:32

my creative voice, I was kind of surprised

30:35

to be met with this overly

30:37

mystical creative philosophy like I

30:39

was talking to some stoner

30:42

Yoda. Find your

30:44

voice they'd say. No, no, no,

30:46

no. Your voice finds

30:48

you. If

30:51

you're lucky, you can't just

30:53

find your style. You have to look

30:55

inside. You have to find yourself. But

30:58

what they didn't realize was I was

31:00

actually trying to do the opposite. I

31:03

wasn't trying to cultivate whatever this thing

31:05

inside of me was. I was

31:07

too scared of the potential consequences.

31:10

I wasn't trying to find myself. I

31:13

was trying to lose myself in the

31:15

art and ultimately find a job. The

31:18

hopeful creative whisper was getting drowned

31:20

out again and the voices from

31:23

my past were growing louder again.

31:26

But then I heard a different sound

31:28

from my past. So

31:32

a lot of people think that the Midwest

31:35

is just part of the Bible Belt, but

31:37

in my experience it's a lot

31:39

more part of the pop culture

31:41

belt. Like I said,

31:44

I was raised by the

31:46

Muppets. Yeah, it's great when

31:48

it works. Jack Black. One,

31:50

two, three motherf***er. The collodion.

31:52

I thought to myself, WWMD,

31:57

what would Mario

31:59

do? you know, Super Mario,

32:01

what would he do if he

32:03

got stuck like this? Well, well

32:06

I can tell you exactly what he

32:08

would do in level 1-3 and Super

32:10

Mario Brothers 3. He'd put on a

32:12

freaking raccoon hat and fly up into

32:14

the secret part of the screen and

32:16

nab one of the most important secret

32:18

items in the game, the warp whistle.

32:22

What's a warp whistle? If you don't know,

32:24

this is a secret item that allows

32:26

you to skip levels when

32:28

you get stuck. I

32:31

needed the equivalent. I needed a

32:33

creative warp whistle that would allow

32:35

me to skip the waiting around

32:37

and hoping that my voice would

32:39

magically come and find me and

32:41

go straight into having some sort

32:43

of career. I

32:45

started adopting a style that was

32:47

trendy at the time. It was

32:50

a kind of psychedelicy, doodly style

32:52

and I came up

32:54

with this idea to make an

32:56

indie rock coloring book for charity.

32:59

It combined three things that I was

33:01

genuinely into and I hoped

33:03

that the project would allow me to skip

33:05

some of the levels and start getting some

33:07

work right away. Initially it

33:09

worked like a charm. The coloring book

33:11

was picked up by a charity and

33:14

published shortly after I graduated and

33:16

I started getting illustration work right

33:18

then and there. Just a year

33:20

out of college and I

33:22

got an email asking me to do

33:25

some illustrations to be animated for a

33:27

music video for one of my favorite

33:29

indie bands as part of a show

33:32

on Nickelodeon.

33:35

The freaking mothership was calling me home.

33:37

It worked. I had warp whistled myself

33:39

all the way to the final boss.

33:42

I was stood in front of Bowser

33:44

and I barely started the game. This

33:46

was it. I gave it everything I

33:49

had, every trick in my book, every

33:51

trick up my sleeve and I sent

33:53

over my final illustrations and waited.

33:56

I got

33:59

a reply. And

34:01

here's what the client said

34:03

about my final illustrations. They

34:05

said rough

34:08

drafts look okay Looking

34:11

forward to seeing how they

34:13

shape up in the

34:15

finals Just

34:19

in case you missed it those

34:22

were the finals In

34:25

fact, like I said,

34:28

I tried every trick up my

34:30

sleeve. I literally didn't know any

34:32

more Tricks

34:35

in Photoshop. I didn't know how

34:37

to make it any better. I

34:39

had nothing left You

34:41

know that trick where the magician has like

34:43

thousands of tissues up their sleeve. It was

34:45

like that except I just

34:48

had one tissue up my sleeve and

34:51

That's not magic that's just gross I

34:54

honestly couldn't even think of any way that

34:56

I could improve what I had sent And

34:59

so the only thing I could think to do was

35:02

to send a reply with a

35:04

message that said Those

35:08

are the finals After

35:11

this fiasco all the hope and

35:13

excitement of the warp whistle and

35:16

the near success Completely

35:18

went up in smoke The

35:21

trend that I was a part of more or

35:23

less dried up and I was stuck right back

35:25

where I was when I got Started back

35:28

at square one the same old

35:30

me a life sentence

35:34

But this time it was worse Because

35:37

it wasn't just me

35:40

By this point in the journey I had

35:42

got married and we had a kid

35:44

and we had rent and bills and

35:46

now I had no prospects No

35:49

other skills and I tried to figure out

35:52

Some kind of other warp whistles that could

35:54

get me somewhere and just nothing was doing

35:56

the trick When

36:12

the build collector started calling, I

36:15

couldn't even find like a

36:17

remotely creative adjacent job. And

36:22

when I had just got

36:24

to the point where I was embarrassed to even

36:26

try anymore, I actually took

36:28

my website down. I

36:31

did put up like an under construction

36:33

site kind of thing, but

36:35

I didn't have any intentions of

36:38

actually constructing it over again.

36:42

And I just looked for a job that

36:44

I felt like I could stomach that had

36:46

some flexibility. And I

36:48

got a job, a buddy of mine got me

36:50

a job at the

36:52

local youth shelter, where

36:55

teens are housed and fed when

36:57

they suddenly become homeless or their

36:59

homes are unfit for one reason

37:02

or another. And honestly,

37:04

it kind of seemed like a good fit

37:06

for me. I got to

37:08

take them to the gas station and get

37:10

polar pops and talk about life and feelings

37:12

and all that kind of stuff. And

37:15

that's just a lot more my speed than

37:17

most regular jobs. It

37:19

was flexible, people focused and really

37:22

open. What I

37:24

didn't realize though, was that when I

37:26

took that job, it meant that I

37:28

was also obligated to pick up shifts

37:30

on the other side of the building,

37:32

which was a juvenile detention center. That

37:35

job was rigid, protocol focused

37:38

and literally locked down and

37:40

closed off. I avoided

37:42

picking up a shift every single way that I

37:44

could think of. But eventually they were like, hey,

37:46

if you don't pick up some shifts, you have

37:48

to find a different job. I

37:51

remember going

37:54

to that first shift like

37:56

it was yesterday. I

37:58

opened that door. unlocked

38:00

the wing that I was stationed in

38:02

for the night and

38:04

I really nearly had

38:07

a panic attack. I

38:09

was walking down that long corridor where

38:12

there's all these locked doors where kids

38:14

that are just a few years younger than

38:16

I was at the time were living and

38:18

spending their days. I

38:21

was physically shaking as I walked

38:24

towards the back office where I hoped

38:26

that I could sit down and kind

38:28

of gather myself before I got them

38:30

out for the group time and rec

38:32

time etc. But

38:35

when I sat down in that office that

38:38

voice in my head started again. How

38:41

did this happen? How

38:44

was it just a few

38:46

months prior I had almost

38:48

tasted my full-on dreams and

38:50

I was now living my

38:52

actual nightmare. I had

38:54

done everything in my power since

38:56

I was a teenager to avoid

38:58

traditional employment because it felt like

39:00

jail to now ending up in

39:02

traditional employment in a real jail

39:05

for teenagers. Sometimes

39:07

after I would have a

39:09

particularly rough night shift I

39:11

would just go home, lay straight

39:14

face down on the living room floor

39:16

and numb out, cry

39:19

and sometimes just fall

39:21

asleep. This

39:24

job was really

39:26

really difficult for me and

39:29

it really tested

39:31

me while I was there but

39:35

looking back I don't look at it as

39:37

a total loss. It

39:39

was there that my biggest

39:41

personal breakthrough started to break in.

39:44

You see all of

39:46

the youth workers that worked there

39:48

including myself noticed the same thing.

39:51

The kids in the shelter side of

39:53

the building that understood that they were

39:55

there to be taken care of because

39:58

they deserved it because they were were

40:00

innately good and valuable,

40:02

they behaved pretty well.

40:05

They were the good kids and they acted

40:07

like it. But the

40:09

kids on the detention center side

40:11

of the building that understood

40:13

that they deserved to be punished and

40:16

kept away from society because of their

40:18

innate flaws, they behaved

40:20

very poorly. They

40:23

were the bad kids and they totally

40:25

acted the part. But

40:28

here's the kicker. The good kids

40:31

and the bad kids, they were

40:33

the same kids. The

40:36

shelter kids and the detention kids would

40:38

go back and forth from

40:40

side to side, in and out,

40:42

depending on what their circumstances were

40:44

at the time. Here's

40:46

what I saw firsthand. You

40:48

could be the exact same

40:51

person in virtually the exact

40:53

same place and live totally

40:55

differently, depending on whether the

40:57

voice in your head thought you were where

40:59

you were, because you were good or

41:01

because you were bad. ["The

41:07

Good Kids and The Bad Kids"]

41:28

["The Good Kids and The Bad Kids"]

41:45

The breakthrough shift in my own

41:48

perspective that I'm referring to is

41:50

what this podcast series is all

41:52

moving towards. In the

41:55

process of exploring these ideas,

41:57

I discovered the work of psychologist.

42:00

Dr. Ken Benow and I recorded

42:02

a conversation with him. I'll

42:04

probably go on to share more of this conversation

42:06

in the future, but for now, I wanna

42:09

just share something he said that relates

42:11

to what we're exploring today. I

42:13

also used to work with

42:16

kids in what's called residential treatment.

42:19

So these kids were sent away from home

42:21

because they had, for the most part, really

42:24

significant, complex

42:26

difficulties in

42:30

all areas, neurologically,

42:33

motorically, socially, emotionally,

42:35

behaviorally. And

42:37

so many of these kids

42:40

would get a label. Actually, they'd usually get

42:42

a long list of labels in

42:45

terms of diagnoses. And a

42:47

lot of people would be like, why would you wanna

42:49

work with kids like that? And

42:52

as if this was like, I'm doing this out of the

42:55

goodness of my heart or carrying

42:58

the burden of kindness in the world.

43:01

And I did it

43:03

because I realized way before

43:05

that time, actually, the kids are kids. And

43:08

their unique way of being in the world is

43:12

not about their quote unquote disabilities

43:14

or disorders. And

43:20

one of these kids that I

43:22

really loved, if

43:24

you looked at his behavior and his

43:27

diagnosis, if you hadn't gotten to know

43:29

him, you'd think, well, that is one

43:31

very disturbed child. Because

43:33

apart from his learning

43:35

and motoric, just sort of

43:37

like difficulties, he

43:41

was what's called psychotic. And so he

43:43

would have auditory

43:46

hallucinations, or maybe,

43:48

well, I think it was mostly auditory, maybe visual

43:50

too. Anyway, he was constantly talking to someone I

43:52

didn't see. And

43:54

I did therapy with him. I wasn't yet trained,

43:57

but I was under sort of training

43:59

under a. psychologist, he said go ahead work

44:01

with him. So I did and I would have

44:04

times where I was

44:06

in the office and all these toys on the floor

44:08

we could do plate therapy and he was talking to

44:10

himself the toys were irrelevant and it looked like I

44:13

was irrelevant a lot of the time.

44:16

But I knew he had a lot of

44:18

pain around loss, separation

44:20

and abandonment. I think in part

44:23

because his family

44:25

while they had him here, he never

44:27

visited. So I think he

44:30

felt abandonment and I have a feeling

44:32

that they felt ashamed of him would

44:34

be my guess though I didn't spend a lot of time with him so I

44:36

wouldn't know. Anyway I

44:38

would talk with him about how

44:41

hard it is when people leave but

44:44

I was talking to him because he was

44:46

talking to whomever he was talking to in

44:48

his mind. So I thought well I am

44:50

absolutely useless like I am playing like I'm

44:52

a plate therapist but I am not a

44:54

plate therapist because he's in an

44:56

alternate universe and I just happen to be in

44:58

the room. In my mind I'm

45:00

in the room with him but not in his. Anyway

45:03

so one of these sessions ended and

45:05

he walks out and

45:07

the actual psychologist was working with

45:09

someone else and the someone else

45:11

he was working with was sad

45:14

about psychologists, his

45:16

therapist leaving and he was crying.

45:19

And my boy who was

45:22

actually a very kind person, he

45:24

was playful and kind right, that had nothing

45:26

to do with his quote-unquote deserves. He goes

45:29

up to the kid, pats

45:31

him on the back and he says it's hard

45:33

when people are leaving which

45:35

is the exact words I've been saying to him

45:38

for like weeks that I thought had no effect.

45:40

So it just kind of shows you, it

45:42

shows you many things but it shows you

45:45

one he's just a person but he's not

45:47

just a person he's uniquely himself. That

45:50

gesture was uniquely him. It

45:52

was his kindness and his caring and

45:54

whatever he took from me and my

45:56

kindness and caring was available to

45:59

him because it meant something in here.

46:23

So we've spoke a lot in this

46:25

episode about the words that the voices

46:27

in our heads say to us and

46:30

also a lot about jail. But

46:33

man maybe it's just my

46:36

personal experience but that sentence

46:38

it's hard when people leave

46:40

feels like it unlocked something in

46:43

my life. We

46:45

all have those voices of others

46:47

that have become parts of ourselves

46:49

and maybe even become like a

46:52

personal prison. For me it

46:54

was just like her

46:56

and for a long time those words

46:58

continued to take my future away from

47:00

me the more that I listen to

47:02

them. But what

47:04

if we chose different

47:07

words to become our

47:09

quote-unquote life sentence? What

47:11

if like the kid in the story we

47:13

internalized the voices that built us up

47:16

instead of those that bullied or

47:18

criticized or boxed us in? All

47:29

right it's time for the CTA.

47:31

Every episode of this podcast we

47:33

try to leave you with actions

47:35

where you can put some of

47:37

these ideas to work in your

47:39

creative practice right now instead of

47:41

just thinking about them and thinking

47:43

that all sounds kind of interesting.

47:46

So today our CTA

47:48

is choose your life

47:51

sentence. So I think

47:53

the story that I told today helps

47:55

illustrate why it might be difficult to

47:58

parse out those conflicting

48:00

perspectives that we find on

48:03

the inside and

48:05

ultimately be able to channel

48:07

them into some sort of

48:09

cohesive or even compelling creative

48:12

voice. But how

48:14

about if we start not with

48:16

our own voices but the voices

48:19

in our life that had the

48:21

biggest positive impact on who we've

48:23

become. We've all had

48:25

people tell us something that stuck with us

48:27

for good reasons. Those voices can be part

48:29

of who we are. So

48:31

if you get stuck trying to isolate who

48:33

you are and what you want to say

48:35

in your work, I found

48:37

it to be powerful and useful

48:40

to own and incorporate the words

48:42

of others into my creative practice.

48:44

Bands like the Beatles became who they

48:47

were because they started by playing cover

48:49

songs, owning the parts of themselves that

48:51

resonated with the words from somebody else.

48:54

So pause for a

48:56

moment and ask yourself what words

48:58

do you choose as a life

49:01

sentence, a life-giving

49:04

sentence? What

49:06

is a sentence that you want

49:08

to build your life

49:11

around? You've heard me

49:13

do this for like 10 years on this

49:15

show. When I don't know what I

49:17

want to tell you, I tell you something that someone

49:19

told me that helped me. Whether

49:21

it's Dolly Parton saying find who you are

49:24

and do it on purpose or

49:26

the quote at the center of

49:28

my invisible things project that comes from the

49:30

book The Little Prince. It

49:32

says it's only with the heart that one

49:34

can see rightly what is

49:36

essential is invisible to the eye.

49:39

That sentence was the project's guiding light

49:42

and inspired the last lines of our

49:44

book. In fact, I found

49:46

out more recently that another much more

49:48

legendary creator than me, a creator

49:51

of kids media as well. Mr.

49:53

Rogers was guided by the same

49:55

words and even had that same

49:57

line plastered up above his desk.

50:00

desk in his office. Many

50:02

of you have even purchased one of

50:04

these life sentences as a poster for

50:06

my online shop. It's

50:09

probably the quote that is most

50:11

repeated back to me from my talks

50:13

and from this podcast, but

50:16

they're not my words, they're my dad's. One

50:19

of the most important sentences that anyone has

50:21

ever said to me that unlocked a growth

50:23

mindset and a well of

50:25

resilience that doesn't really come natural

50:27

to me was when my dad

50:29

said to me, life is hard,

50:32

but that doesn't mean it's bad. Hard

50:34

and bad are not the same thing. Maybe

50:38

your dad isn't a stoic goofball

50:40

that prowls off stuff like this

50:42

without even realizing it, but we

50:44

have all had friends and family

50:47

and teachers or counselors that say

50:49

things to us that become our

50:51

favorite parts of who we are.

50:54

It's hard to keep those voices at the

50:56

forefront of your mind, but filtering them into

50:59

your creative work can really help. I

51:02

know for me, I can say from

51:04

personal experience that making literal

51:06

posters with these phrases has helped

51:08

me keep these things in front

51:11

of my face and top of

51:13

mind. Here's my challenge to you.

51:16

Take a walk, journal it out,

51:18

do some reflection, and do

51:21

whatever it takes to remember those words

51:23

that made you who you are for

51:25

the better. Then make

51:27

a life sentence piece of

51:29

work inspired by that to

51:32

start to get a sense of your

51:34

creative voice because in so many ways,

51:36

the things that are said to us

51:39

become the voices in our head and

51:41

those voices become who we are. Now,

51:45

you don't have to put the literal words

51:47

in the piece of work like I do

51:49

with my lettering, but my hope

51:51

is that this sentence

51:53

can act as a kind

51:55

of inspirational creative prompt to

51:57

help you find. and

52:00

a more clear sense of your own creative voice.

52:04

Stop my good-for-liar Stop

52:09

my desire for those

52:11

many things I shouldn't

52:13

have Even

52:16

those pretty things I

52:18

shouldn't have You

52:21

know We're

52:25

on the road again

52:32

We're on the road

52:37

again I

52:41

was trying to think that

52:43

you and I'd stay friends

52:50

Okay, so if you're listening to this, you

52:52

know that I didn't stay on that living

52:55

room floor. Next week I'm

52:57

going to share how this internal battle of the

52:59

good parts and the bad parts and the good

53:01

voices and the bad voices all shook out and

53:04

ultimately ended up in a

53:06

future reality that I couldn't possibly have

53:09

imagined back when I was looking into

53:11

my future and that

53:13

honestly I'm glad that I stuck around and

53:15

kept fighting for. Oh, one

53:17

more thing. I know in the

53:19

dark times, if you ever experience

53:21

them, it's incredibly hard to

53:23

reach out to anybody else, but please, if you are

53:26

in the middle of one of those times where you're

53:28

looking into your future and

53:30

you just can't imagine anything

53:33

to stick it out for, don't keep

53:35

that to yourself. Tell

53:37

a friend, tell a family member. There's

53:40

even now a national mental

53:42

health crisis helpline at

53:44

988. You just call 988. Now

53:48

I know that there are a lot

53:50

of different opinions on whether these helplines

53:52

are helpful or not, but

53:55

I am going to link A

53:57

link in the show notes to npr.org. Where

54:00

there's an article all about the Nine,

54:02

Eight A helpline, the pros and cons

54:05

as well as a bunch of other

54:07

resources. he you find yourself in a

54:09

place like. That. Please

54:13

take years. And

54:15

I'll be back. Huge.

54:48

Thanks to my wife and

54:50

co producer and editor of

54:52

the series, Sophie Miller. Massive

54:55

thanks to Connor Jones of

54:57

Pending Beautiful for sound design

54:59

an audio editing Huge debt

55:01

of gratitude to Yoni Wolf

55:04

and his band Why Whose

55:06

music is our normal soundtrack

55:08

and who provided new music

55:10

from their album A Okay

55:13

Ohio. For this series, I

55:15

discovered Jones muzak and his

55:17

unique voice. While I was

55:19

in college and I have been

55:22

such a massive superfan ever since

55:24

that time and it is an

55:26

absolute dream come true. I can't

55:28

even explain deal what it's like

55:30

to have this music for the

55:33

series that is just so perfect

55:35

and has elevated s I. I'm

55:37

just blown away and of course

55:39

suits Thanks to all of you

55:42

for listening. It has been super

55:44

meaningful to me and the whole

55:46

team to read all your experiences.

55:48

With the series Thank you thank

55:50

you thank you thank you so

55:52

much And until we speak again,

55:55

stay have them.