0:00

Hello, this is Emma Gannon and thank

0:02

you for listening to this podcast. I just wanted

0:04

to let you know that my new book, The Success Myth,

0:07

Letting Go of Having It All, is out on May

0:09

the 18th. I think it's my best book yet,

0:11

so I'm excited for it to come out. And the

0:14

book unpicks the eight success

0:16

myths from happiness to money to

0:18

productivity to celebrity to

0:20

the idea of finally arriving and

0:22

how chasing a version of success that doesn't align

0:24

with your values can really take you off track.

0:27

And this book is about getting back to yourself,

0:29

breaking free,

0:30

finding a new way forward. And

0:33

it's available on May the 18th. If you love

0:35

this podcast, you'll love the book. And

0:37

it's available soon from all good bookshops.

0:40

So you can order yours now.

0:42

I hope you like it. Hello

0:44

and welcome back to Control Alt Delete. This is part

0:46

two of a conversation with author and motivational

0:49

speaker Mel Robbins. In

0:51

this episode, we discuss her new book, The High

0:53

Five Habit, and how one simple

0:55

mindset change can actually change your life.

0:58

Make sure you go back and listen to part one if you haven't already

1:01

so that you can listen to this one afterwards. And

1:03

I hope you enjoy.

1:09

Let's unpack this high five

1:11

habit, because I think it's really important

1:14

for everybody to understand not only

1:16

the science behind it,

1:17

but the really, really powerful

1:20

part that's super cool,

1:23

which is that your nervous system

1:25

and your brain and your soul

1:28

are already equipped and

1:30

pre-programmed to have this

1:32

high five habit work. So you will

1:35

think it's weird. And the high five habit

1:37

is very simple.

1:39

After you brush your teeth every single

1:41

morning, you got to clean those choppers

1:43

before you go out there with dragon breath, right?

1:46

We're going to clean out your mind.

1:48

We're literally going to hit the

1:50

reset button on your brain, and

1:53

we are going to send you into the day

1:55

with a boost of dopamine,

1:58

with a energized

1:59

nervous system and with a powerful

2:02

intention

2:03

that reminds you of who you actually are. Not

2:06

all of that crap that's been done to you

2:08

because the fact of the matter is if you

2:10

can drag yourself out of bed and you

2:12

can get yourself in front of that mirror and you're still

2:14

breathing

2:15

despite all the things that you've survived

2:17

in your life and all the things you need to forgive yourself

2:20

for and you're still trying to do a little bit

2:22

better, you not only deserve

2:24

a high five

2:26

and encouragement and support and a little bit of love,

2:28

you need it right now to keep going.

2:31

So as you finish brushing your teeth and it's important

2:33

that you do it after you brush your teeth because I want you

2:36

to stack this new habit with an old

2:38

one because science says that when you pair

2:41

a new habit with an old one, it

2:43

makes it 10 times easier for your brain to

2:46

make it part of your ritual every

2:48

morning. So what you're going to do is you're going to take

2:50

a minute and you're just going to be with yourself

2:52

because most of us don't even

2:55

look at ourselves in the mirror.

2:57

And one of the interesting things

2:59

is, Emma,

3:00

and this is super profound, is

3:03

that very first morning that I did it, I raised

3:05

my hand and I high five that tired

3:08

woman in the mirror.

3:10

Lightning bolt didn't strike me like

3:12

it wasn't like, whoa, I've got changed woman.

3:14

That's not what happened.

3:16

I raised my hand to the mirror

3:19

and I give that

3:20

woman in the mirror a high five because

3:22

she needed it.

3:25

And I felt my shoulders drop and

3:27

I felt my chin lift

3:29

and I laughed because it's so

3:31

cheesy. I'm standing here

3:33

without a bra on in my underwear, high

3:35

fiving my reflection.

3:38

But I felt something shift.

3:40

I felt that bit of reassurance that,

3:43

okay,

3:44

this sucks, but I can handle

3:46

it. And I sent myself into my

3:48

day. Now the second morning, I want

3:51

to explain and unpack something because this

3:53

is really

3:54

deep.

3:57

When I woke up the second morning, I use the five

3:59

second rule. 54321 and I got out of bed.

4:02

I made my bed.

4:03

I started walking to the bathroom, Emma.

4:06

And that's when I felt something I'd

4:08

actually never experienced before.

4:11

You know when you're about to go meet a friend

4:13

at a cafe and

4:15

you're going to have a cup of coffee or a cup of tea or

4:17

something

4:18

and it's somebody you really like

4:21

and you're about to walk in,

4:23

what do you feel as you're about to

4:25

walk into that cafe, Emma, and see

4:27

somebody that you really like? Just looking

4:29

forward to seeing them. Yeah, a

4:32

sense of enthusiasm. I felt that

4:35

sense of excitement about seeing

4:37

me in the mirror. I

4:39

had never in my lifetime

4:42

experienced looking

4:44

forward to seeing the human being

4:47

Mel Robbins in the mirror. It's

4:49

the complete opposite, isn't it,

4:52

of everything we're taught to believe

4:54

or avoiding ourselves, avoiding

4:56

ourselves in the mirror, nitpicking ourselves in the mirror. When

4:59

I read your book, I actually felt like this is a rebellious

5:01

thing to like yourself. And

5:05

when we talk about being kind to ourselves or being

5:07

self-compassionate, they feel

5:09

sometimes like a theory or a thing that we should do,

5:12

but you're visualising it for us.

5:14

It's like if you're going to be your own friend, well

5:17

then look at yourself

5:19

more,

5:19

talk to yourself more. And

5:21

it's funny because I actually

5:24

think like the only time I ever looked at myself in the

5:26

mirror and spoke to myself in the mirror was when I was like a bit

5:28

tipsy. And I was like, you're great. You're

5:31

doing great. And so I was like, if I

5:33

do this, I'm sober. Am I insane? But

5:35

no, I'm not. No. And you

5:37

know, it's sad. Like, because typically

5:40

when I walk into the bathroom, I either avoid

5:42

myself and ignore myself

5:44

or I criticise myself. I've never

5:46

looked forward to seeing myself. And

5:49

so when you go to raise your

5:51

hand, there's a couple of things you're going to notice.

5:53

First of all, it's going to be weird. And I want to explain

5:56

that because the weirdness is based

5:58

on the way that your brain learns and

5:59

information, we can explain this based

6:02

on neurology. So I am

6:04

a right hander. If I am

6:06

writing with my right hand,

6:08

I don't even think, like I can do it subconsciously

6:10

because it's a pattern that I've been doing

6:13

my entire life. If I were to switch

6:15

to my left hand and start trying to write

6:17

with my left hand, it would feel weird.

6:20

It would feel weird because your

6:22

brain resists new patterns.

6:25

Just like your brain resists getting out of bed. Your

6:27

brain resists going for exercise.

6:29

Your brain resists drawing a boundary. Your

6:31

brain resists a hard conversation because

6:33

these are new things for you. So expect

6:35

it to feel weird because you're learning a new pattern. That's

6:38

all that that is. The second thing that you're going

6:40

to notice, we've already talked about the fact that you're

6:42

going to resist it. You're going to be snarky.

6:44

You're going to think this is stupid. You're going to dismiss

6:46

it. You need to do this for five days in a row.

6:49

You have to give this five days because

6:51

that's about how long it takes now that

6:53

we've had hundreds of thousands

6:55

of people try this

6:57

for the resistance to disappear

7:00

and for the sense of joy or even

7:02

profound sadness

7:04

to appear.

7:05

Because what's going to happen when you get

7:08

rid of that resistance, I'm a failure

7:10

or I'm a this or I'm not good enough,

7:12

and you allow yourself to be seen and

7:14

supported by you for the first time

7:17

ever in your life,

7:18

you will feel not

7:20

only empowered, but you'll feel sad that

7:22

it took you this long

7:24

to actually see the human being that's

7:26

needed you every single day

7:28

and has been hoping for you to wake up and

7:30

look him or her or them in the eye. And

7:34

so I expect that.

7:35

Here's

7:37

what you're going to notice. First of all, I

7:40

mentioned that your nervous system and your

7:42

soul and your brain are already pre-programmed

7:45

to have this work. So you don't have to do anything except

7:47

for, I want you to think about,

7:50

see the person in the mirror. What does

7:52

she or they or him need

7:55

from you today?

7:56

Like we often think about our day and how we're going to

7:58

show up for everybody else. look at the person

8:01

in the mirror and ask yourself, what do you need

8:03

from me?

8:04

And then ask yourself, what's the game

8:06

in life that matters to you today?

8:09

That you need me to help you play. And how are we gonna

8:11

just inch the ball down the field? What can we do together

8:13

today? Most of the time it's you need more rest.

8:17

And it might be that you need to be kind to yourself

8:19

today. It might need that, let's have fun today.

8:21

It might be something else, but

8:24

you're gonna ask yourself what you need from yourself

8:26

today, because you never do that. And then you're

8:28

gonna just raise your hand and you're gonna seal it with

8:30

a high five. Now here's where the crazy science

8:32

kicks in. First of all, it

8:35

will be impossible for you to

8:37

think something negative about yourself or

8:39

your day

8:40

as you're raising your hand. Because

8:44

you have high fived other people or

8:46

you've seen people in sports doing it forever

8:48

or when the London marathon's happening, you're high

8:51

fiving runners, you have been doing this

8:53

for other people your entire life.

8:56

When you go to high five somebody, Emma,

8:58

or somebody high fives you, what does the

9:00

gesture communicate to you? I mean, a

9:02

lot of support. I did it yesterday and I did

9:04

it today before interviewing you, so it's like, obviously.

9:07

And I was just grinning, smiling

9:10

so much.

9:11

And I just thought, oh, this is

9:13

so good because

9:16

I did do it and I did come to it

9:18

with a bit of cynicism, I did.

9:20

And I did it and I couldn't stop smiling.

9:22

When you high five somebody, it says, I believe in

9:24

you, I see you, I love you, keep going,

9:27

we got this. If you have a teammate who blows

9:29

it and you high five them, it's like, no problem,

9:31

shake it off, come on, we go. And so it's in

9:34

the gesture itself is belief,

9:36

confidence, empowerment, celebration, encouragement.

9:40

All of that is already programmed

9:42

with a high five

9:44

in your subconscious brain.

9:46

So when you raise your hand to your own

9:48

reflection, your brain recognizes

9:50

the gesture and kicks in that positive

9:52

programming and now marries it

9:54

with your reflection. It's

9:57

incredible. It's so good. You

10:00

know, it's so funny, and I did want to ask you this just

10:02

from the sort of objective,

10:05

sort of more broadly looking at self-compassion

10:08

and self-love is, and

10:09

then maybe this is a sort of cultural

10:11

thing, but I have found as

10:14

a woman, especially the more confident

10:16

I get, the more, I

10:18

don't know, sort of outwardly

10:20

lively and happy I am, sometimes

10:23

people don't like that. Some people

10:26

don't like really happy, confident people.

10:28

And I think people can sort of see

10:30

this blurred line between like arrogance

10:32

and self-love and self-confidence.

10:35

I mean, how do you approach that? Because

10:38

I think that this is the whole part of the problem

10:40

is that we are squashing ourselves down

10:43

so much, fearing that people won't like

10:45

it when we

10:46

have to like ourselves first. Exactly,

10:49

that's it. Do you like yourself? Every

10:52

one of us is born profoundly unique.

10:54

Like there's nobody that will ever have your

10:57

laugh, your smile, your life experiences,

11:00

the design of your irises, your fingerprints,

11:02

your DNA. You are the only you

11:05

that will ever walk this earth,

11:07

past, present, future.

11:09

And when you were born,

11:12

you love the sight of yourself. You don't remember this,

11:14

but you saw a mirror as a baby. You've

11:16

seen babies do this. They crawl right up to it. They

11:18

put their hands on the mirror. They lick the mirror. They

11:21

don't take a step back and go, gosh,

11:23

my

11:24

thighs are chubby as hell.

11:26

So it's hardwired in your DNA to

11:28

love and celebrate yourself.

11:30

What happens is you're either

11:32

born into a family system

11:34

where there is abuse

11:37

or criticism or neglect or chaos

11:39

or danger or

11:41

there's poverty or there's things that

11:43

make your nervous system fire

11:46

up and get into a dysregulated alarm

11:48

mode. And so you have to start to figure

11:50

out how to cope and survive. And for

11:52

some people, literally, it

11:55

means staying quiet.

11:56

There are people who, based

11:59

on their...

11:59

true gender identity.

12:02

It's unsafe

12:04

for them to be who they are.

12:05

And so the system that you're born

12:08

in can suppress your

12:10

identity. But the bigger thing

12:12

that also happens for every one of us is

12:14

by the time we get to grade school and

12:17

we've all had the experience of walking into a cafeteria

12:20

with a tray and seeing the kids you wish you

12:22

could sit with and then your self-talk

12:24

starts to go, you don't

12:26

have the right pair of jeans. They're not

12:28

going to like you. And it's almost like a protection

12:31

thing to hold you back from feeling rejected.

12:33

But the truth is you start to learn how to reject

12:36

yourself from a very young age.

12:39

And I think part of the opportunity

12:42

of being an adult

12:44

is to figure out how to break that lifetime

12:46

pattern of self-rejection and

12:49

to replace it

12:51

with a pattern of celebration, acceptance

12:54

and joy. And so you can

12:56

do that every single morning in the mirror.

12:58

And one of the reasons why

13:00

people might be a bit

13:03

kind of cold or kind of have their feathers

13:06

ruffled when you start being

13:08

more of yourself is because

13:11

when you're self-expressed,

13:14

it always stirs something

13:16

inside somebody who isn't.

13:19

You can only celebrate in someone

13:21

else authentically what

13:23

you also celebrate within yourself.

13:26

You know, I remember once my husband stopped

13:29

drinking for a number of years and

13:31

I like to have a glass of wine or, you

13:33

know, I used to like to have a glass of wine when I was cooking

13:36

dinner. And I remember that first night

13:38

that he was not drinking and I went to pour a glass

13:40

of wine. I became

13:42

that

13:43

person in everybody's

13:45

life that starts to sabotage your

13:47

change. Right. I'm like, well, Chris,

13:49

are you sure you don't want a glass of wine? Why

13:52

do you have to stop drinking? Now I got to

13:54

stop like I start kind of badgering him about

13:56

this life change, which when you start

13:58

to become more of yourself,

13:59

The people around you are going

14:02

to be confronted by it. And let me tell you why. Chris

14:04

turned to me and he said, Mel,

14:07

I'm not going to have a glass one. And

14:09

frankly, if you want one, have one.

14:12

The only person that cares about what's in your glass

14:14

is you. And if you're bothered

14:17

by what's in your glass because of

14:19

what I'm doing, you need to stop

14:22

focusing on what I'm doing

14:24

and start taking a look in the mirror and start

14:26

getting honest with yourself about what you're

14:28

doing. And it's easier

14:31

to be like, oh, that Emma thinks she's all

14:33

herself. It's

14:35

easier to do that

14:38

than to be with yourself in the mirror and

14:41

realize you still

14:43

hate yourself.

14:44

You can't celebrate yourself.

14:46

That's why it's so confronting

14:49

when you see somebody else doing it for them. You

14:51

have this deep longing to feel

14:53

that way about yourself. And in the

14:55

very beginning, I said, it's so much easier

14:57

to be angry and frustrated than

14:59

it is to feel pain.

15:01

And so anybody that is acting

15:04

out toward you or criticizing you because

15:06

you're being more of yourself or because

15:08

you're happier,

15:10

just bring empathy to them.

15:12

Feel sorry for them

15:14

because I guarantee you

15:15

they're not practicing the high five habit.

15:18

They ignore themselves in front of the mirror. They

15:20

shame themselves. They hate themselves. They beat

15:22

themselves up. The stuff they're saying

15:24

about you is nothing compared to the stuff they

15:26

say to themselves.

15:28

So feel sorry for them and keep showing

15:31

up because it's through you demonstrating

15:35

what it looks like to be self expressed,

15:37

what it looks like to be happy. This is not about arrogance.

15:40

This is about contentment.

15:42

This is about authenticity. This is about self-expression.

15:45

This is about, frankly, your most fundamental

15:47

needs. And some

15:49

of the research is really profound. So,

15:51

for example, there are two studies that everybody is

15:53

blown away by. And one of them is that they

15:55

studied, you know, in the United States, the

15:58

NBA basketball team.

15:59

teams, right? And they were

16:02

able to predict what teams

16:04

would be in the championship rounds

16:06

based on what was happening during

16:09

the preseason.

16:10

And the teams that had the most

16:12

number of fist bumps or pats

16:14

on the back or high fives

16:17

went on to be in the championship

16:19

rounds at the end of the season.

16:22

And the teams who had the least number

16:24

of fist bumps and pats on the back

16:27

and high fives were consistently

16:30

ranked the lowest. And the question is why?

16:33

The reason is because these gestures

16:35

are more than gestures. High fiving

16:38

somebody

16:39

is a symbol of trust,

16:41

partnership, encouragement, support,

16:44

love. You can

16:47

give that to yourself

16:49

every morning in the mirror.

16:51

You can create a new partnership

16:53

with yourself. You have

16:55

the biggest ally that you're going to

16:57

go through life with, staring at

16:59

you every morning in the mirror, just wishing

17:02

you would look up and see them

17:05

and you're ignoring them. And

17:08

so that's one of the reasons why this is so

17:10

powerful.

17:22

Thank you so much for sharing that because I do think it's

17:24

important for people to be prepared

17:27

in a way for a big change. If they

17:29

are about to go down this path of more

17:31

self-love, the high five habit, things

17:34

might kind of

17:36

float away from you. Things might change.

17:39

People might not, I don't know, you could change

17:41

your friendship group. Your relationship might

17:43

change. This is quite big stuff because

17:45

I think people who really change

17:47

themselves end up not really

17:49

being prepared for the fact that

17:52

your lifestyle might change. Well,

17:54

I think this is absolutely foundational

17:56

because, and again, I need

17:59

to understand. I'm going to be 53 this year.

18:02

I didn't know this until

18:04

a year ago.

18:06

I knew I needed to put myself first.

18:09

I knew I needed to learn how to love myself.

18:13

I knew I needed to be kinder to myself. I

18:16

didn't know how. At a

18:18

profound level.

18:21

I

18:21

have been so hard on

18:23

myself. For my entire

18:25

life. I have been so hard on myself.

18:27

For my entire life.

18:30

I didn't know what that actually felt

18:32

like. And this

18:34

high five habit. It begins.

18:38

By high five and yourself in the mirror. That's just

18:40

the beginning.

18:41

It works at such a

18:44

deep.

18:45

Foundational level it

18:47

cuts all the way down to the you

18:49

of you to the moment in

18:51

life when you stopped having your

18:54

own back when you decided that you wanted

18:56

to be anybody other than you. You wanted to be anybody other than yourself.

19:00

And your relationship with yourself and learning how

19:02

to love and accept yourself and have your

19:04

own back and cheer for yourself and look at

19:06

your face even though you've picked it apart and

19:08

see somebody that deserves your love.

19:11

It is the most foundational relationship that you

19:14

have because it is the basis of every relationship.

19:18

If you can't love yourself you will never accept that somebody

19:20

else truly loves you.

19:21

And I was just thinking

19:24

the amount of times we've been looking at ourselves in Zoom

19:26

for the past two years. Like, yeah,

19:28

I think there was a study about how many people couldn't

19:31

look at themselves anymore because they've looked at themselves

19:33

so much during the pandemic it's like this book,

19:35

I know you say it's not a pandemic book but it's

19:38

definitely come at the most perfect time. But

19:41

just lastly to round up you are the easiest

19:43

person in the world to interview by the way, just could

19:45

listen to you talk about hours. Could

19:48

we just talk about quickly the, you

19:50

know, on that topic of change

19:51

and how we can change our minds change our brains

19:54

change our perceptions. You talk about

19:56

how you look for hearts, heart

19:58

shapes, and things like that.

19:59

Yeah, around you. And it's an example

20:02

of, you know, what you put your attention

20:04

to is is basically your life. And

20:07

I did it yesterday and it was really fun.

20:09

So what happened yesterday when you did it? She's you

20:11

were looking for a naturally occurring heart

20:13

shape somewhere. So I was in the cafe

20:16

reading a book and it was raining outside and it

20:18

felt I'll always remember that day now from reading

20:20

this book. Honestly, I'm it, you know, I

20:22

know it sounds very hyperbolic,

20:24

but it's really going to change

20:27

me. I know that I've read something that is going

20:29

to be very, very powerful now ongoing.

20:31

And I really, really loved it. But I was

20:33

looking around the room.

20:34

Yeah. And there was a plant

20:37

and all the leaves were in heart shapes. I

20:39

looked at a cloud that was sort of sort

20:41

of in a bit of a heart shape. There

20:43

was sort of a stain on the wall that

20:46

looked like a heart. I mean, they were everywhere, actually.

20:50

It's amazing. So what you're talking

20:52

about is a game that I play, because again, you're

20:54

going to start by high fiving yourself in the mirror.

20:56

There's also a tool called high fiving

20:58

your heart, which is going to help your nervous system

21:01

settle down. And you need to know how to high five

21:03

your heart because your nervous

21:04

system after these last 18 months is completely

21:07

on edge. And then we talk about

21:09

your brain, because my thesis

21:11

in this book, in addition to improving

21:14

the relationship you have with yourself, being the basis

21:16

of how you take control of every aspect of your

21:18

life, is that your mind, body

21:20

and spirit

21:22

are designed

21:23

to help you get what you want.

21:26

And you can in very

21:28

small ways reset their programming

21:30

and learn how to make

21:33

your brain and your soul

21:35

and your spirit and your nervous system work

21:37

for you. And so looking

21:40

for hearts is a very simple thing

21:42

that you can do. And I happen to have

21:44

a heart shaped rock right

21:46

here. I look for hearts everywhere

21:49

I go. And the reason why I want you to play

21:51

this game and here's how you play the game. And then I'm

21:53

going to explain the science behind it, because it's

21:55

going to help you and are super

21:57

fun and really spirit.

21:59

way if you take this game seriously,

22:03

it's going to help you reset the filter

22:05

in your brain that's called the reticular activity

22:08

system. It's like a giant electric hairnet

22:11

that sits over your brain that changes

22:13

in real time

22:14

based on what you think is important,

22:17

based on what you tell it to find. And

22:19

when you can start to experience

22:22

the power of this filter,

22:25

you can first do it by looking for

22:27

hearts, but then you can go even deeper

22:29

and start to change

22:31

the stories that you have told yourself

22:34

about yourself for your entire life. And

22:36

as you tell yourself different stories

22:39

about who you are, your brain changes

22:41

how it filters the world to show you more evidence

22:44

of the good stuff.

22:45

And you will stop seeing evidence

22:47

of all the bad stuff. And it's an important

22:50

thing to learn how to do because right now you're walking

22:52

by a world that you don't even see.

22:55

You're walking past opportunities. You

22:57

asked me the question earlier, Emma, about

22:59

my daughter in that text, why am I the ugliest

23:01

one at the bar? And how it's so

23:04

heartbreaking and frustrating to have people that you

23:06

love beat themselves up because you see the world

23:08

very differently. The

23:09

filter in your brain doesn't see her as the

23:12

ugliest person in the world.

23:14

You see all the beauty and all the

23:16

attributes and everything that's amazing

23:18

about her. And the

23:20

way you see the world doesn't change how she

23:23

sees the world. And that's where looking

23:25

for hearts is so powerful because we're going to teach

23:27

you, you can change how you see the world.

23:30

And then once you know how to do it, you

23:31

can change how you see yourself and

23:34

how you fit into the world. And so

23:36

the heart rock game is super simple. After

23:38

you high five yourself in the mirror and you send yourself into

23:40

the day,

23:41

your job is to find one naturally

23:43

occurring heart shape somewhere

23:45

in the world.

23:46

And just as you so beautifully described, Emma,

23:49

it could be a stain on the wall.

23:51

It could be a cloud. It could be the spot on a

23:53

dog. It could be a heart

23:56

leaf. It could be a rock. It could be anywhere. Just

23:59

tell your mind.

23:59

want to see a heart today and look for it. And

24:02

something crazy will happen. You will start

24:04

to see heart shapes everywhere.

24:07

And you'll realize, oh my god, they've always been there.

24:10

I've just walked by them. And then I

24:12

want you to super size this, this

24:16

exercise because it'll it'll make your

24:19

filter in your brain

24:21

change even faster. When

24:23

you see the heart,

24:25

and I can tell you did this because you had almost

24:27

a spiritual experience when you started doing

24:29

this when you see the heart shape. I

24:32

want you to imagine that the

24:34

universe or God or whomever

24:36

or whatever you believe in,

24:38

put that there for you to find. And

24:40

I want you to feel allow yourself to

24:42

feel this

24:43

sort of energy through your nervous

24:46

system

24:47

that you are changing, you

24:49

are getting and seeing

24:51

the signs

24:53

that life is putting there for you that

24:55

you're not alone,

24:56

that there are clues

24:58

that you are about to start waking up to

25:00

that are leading you in

25:02

new directions. And this little

25:04

heartstone is the first of a million

25:07

clues that you're about to start seeing that

25:10

are going to help you turn toward what's meant for

25:12

you. And when you rev up

25:14

your nervous system in that way,

25:16

and you reward your nervous

25:18

system by feeling good when

25:21

you pick up this stone or you see

25:23

the heart shape leaf or you see Oh my

25:25

gosh, right there in my cappuccino, there's

25:27

a little like dot of coffee that looks

25:29

like a heart. When you start to see

25:32

these clues, and you start to allow

25:34

yourself to believe that they're there for you.

25:37

It changes the filter

25:39

in your brain even more because now your nervous

25:41

system is sending a signal that this is

25:44

actually a really good thing. It's

25:46

the opposite, by the way, of a

25:48

trauma response. So trauma remembers

25:51

the negative and it remembers it because your nervous

25:53

system is an alarm state. You

25:55

can use your resting nervous system

25:57

to have a feel good response a celebratory

25:59

response that also makes

26:02

your reticular activity system remember

26:05

this, which means something really cool.

26:07

You're going to see more hearts.

26:09

One of the reasons why when you

26:11

start taking more action and you start

26:13

really training your brain to be optimistic

26:16

and to believe and to see

26:18

the world working for you and with

26:20

you. One of the reasons why

26:22

this is so important is because

26:25

we know based on research that

26:27

when you have what I call a high five attitude,

26:30

which is an optimistic a realistically

26:32

optimistic mindset.

26:34

You believe

26:36

that based on your attitude and your actions,

26:39

you can have a positive impact

26:41

on anything that is happening to you

26:43

and any struggle that you're facing.

26:45

Having a high five attitude

26:48

does not change the fact

26:50

that there are challenges in your life. It does not change

26:52

the fact that you have struggled in the past.

26:54

It does not change the fact that you have very

26:57

real obstacles in front of you, whether

26:59

those obstacles are systematic discrimination,

27:03

whether those obstacles are poverty, whether those

27:05

obstacles are mental health challenges, whether

27:07

those obstacles are being in

27:09

a relationship that's toxic. Those

27:11

are very real obstacles that people face.

27:13

But

27:14

when you start to cultivate a high five attitude,

27:17

it doesn't change the reality of those things.

27:20

It changes you,

27:21

and it changes your ability

27:24

to face those things.

27:25

And that's where the magic is,

27:28

that when you start to believe

27:30

that through your actions and your attitude,

27:33

that you can create positive

27:35

outcomes, no matter what you're facing.

27:38

You could lose the love of your life. Somebody

27:41

could confess that they've cheated to you.

27:43

You could get fired.

27:45

You could go bankrupt. You could be divorced.

27:49

And you could still

27:50

cultivate an attitude

27:52

that you will be okay.

27:54

And you know, one of the most profound things that I've

27:57

ever experienced Emma.

27:59

And this is...

27:59

is kind of the heart

28:02

of what I call a high five attitude,

28:04

is it's not toxic positivity. It

28:07

doesn't take away the pain and the struggle.

28:10

Like the gift of your life is that you're a

28:12

human being and you can be several

28:14

things at once.

28:16

You can be heartbroken and scared

28:19

and you can still tell yourself

28:21

that you're gonna be okay and

28:23

you're gonna come out of this wiser and stronger.

28:26

And I'm gonna tell you something that

28:28

has changed my life. And I write

28:31

about this in so many different ways

28:33

in the high five habit.

28:35

We have all had the experience of

28:37

standing in this moment

28:39

and looking back at our life

28:42

and seeing how every

28:44

single thing that has happened

28:47

to us, good, bad,

28:49

terrifying, traumatic,

28:51

every single thing has led us to

28:53

this exact moment.

28:54

It has given us the wisdom, the strength,

28:57

the courage,

28:58

all of it. Like, cause those things, wisdom,

29:01

courage, strength, you don't

29:03

get that stuff when life is working.

29:06

That stuff is like steel,

29:08

it's forged in fire.

29:11

And you can see all the dots of your

29:13

life and how they connect you to this moment

29:16

and why in many

29:18

ways they were preparing you for this

29:20

moment. The real,

29:23

real gift in life, the

29:26

real ability to feel like you're

29:28

in control and you're gonna be okay

29:30

no matter what is to stand

29:33

in this moment,

29:34

no matter what you're facing

29:36

and to know with every fiber

29:38

of your being

29:40

that this moment is also

29:42

a dot on the map of your life.

29:45

And it is to connecting

29:47

you

29:48

to something extraordinary

29:51

that hasn't happened yet.

29:53

And when you can stand in heartache

29:55

or grief or fear or

29:58

pain or even... exhilaration

30:00

and know that

30:03

it is just a dot on the map of your

30:05

life and it is preparing you

30:07

for something. It is giving you a lesson. It is

30:09

giving you a skill. It is having you

30:11

meet somebody.

30:12

It is giving you an experience

30:15

that you need

30:16

for something extraordinary

30:19

that hasn't happened yet and that

30:21

even though it's hard and even though it's challenging,

30:24

you're going to be okay

30:26

and you have within you

30:29

the strength and the wisdom and the resilience

30:31

to not only face this

30:33

but to get through it

30:35

and to soar.

30:36

Well that's a pretty amazing note

30:39

to end on. Thank you so much. I know I'll

30:41

be listening back to this probably quite a

30:43

few times to take it all back in

30:45

again but thank you so much for this

30:47

book. Thank you for the five second rule. Thank you for

30:49

all your work and the amazing stuff that you

30:51

know I feel very lucky to live in a world where

30:53

I can go on YouTube, listen to a podcast,

30:56

hear you speak. We've got so

30:59

much to help us now and I really

31:01

hope this is the start of more people

31:03

seriously liking themselves, loving

31:05

themselves,

31:06

looking at themselves more and

31:08

not reaching for external validation

31:11

the whole time because it really is life

31:13

changing and thank you so much for coming

31:15

on the show. It's been a real honor to

31:17

be with you. I

31:19

also want to tell you that

31:23

one of the things that we've learned based on research

31:25

and I know you know this to be true too and

31:27

you do just a gorgeous job supporting

31:30

people in your community is it's so

31:32

much easier when you are

31:34

trying to change with other people and

31:36

when you're

31:36

getting support from people like Emma. If

31:40

I may, I want to invite everybody to

31:42

join us in something I created called

31:44

the high five challenge because I know

31:46

it feels weird to stand alone in your underwear

31:49

and do this on your own but we've created

31:51

this free five day challenge. If you're

31:53

listening to this 20 years from now, it'll

31:55

be there for you. It is a

31:57

five day challenge where you do this with me.

31:59

and you get daily coaching

32:02

tools in a community that will be cheering

32:04

you on. And all you got to do is go to high five

32:06

challenge dot com. That's it. If

32:08

you want to be a part of a

32:10

community doing this and get the support that

32:12

you need and deserve. And so, Emma, thank you so

32:14

much for the opportunity to not

32:17

only be with you and to just

32:20

experience

32:22

your commitment to people,

32:24

but to also be given the honor

32:27

and the gift of being able to share this

32:29

high five habit with the people

32:32

that trust

32:33

and love you. I cannot

32:35

tell you how much it means to me.

32:37

Thank you so much for letting me ask

32:40

you all the questions. I was burning coffee yesterday

32:42

when I was reading it and and just for

32:44

really sort of cementing what what this is

32:46

about. And you've ran through it all there,

32:48

but how this isn't toxic positivity. This

32:50

is stuff that is going to help

32:52

you daily. And it's not. I'm so glad

32:55

you said that, but it's not just like doing it once.

32:57

And then everything is fine because it never

33:00

is. And I'm excited to carry on.

33:02

So thank you so much. Me too.