0:00

Parents. Never

0:03

underestimate the power of

0:05

listening to your children.

0:08

That's a fact, dead ass, And

0:11

don't be that parent. That's just like, it's

0:13

not my child. When you get advice

0:16

from others, be diligent

0:18

about looking into whatever that set

0:20

issue may be.

0:22

Dead ass.

0:23

Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and

0:26

we're the Ellis's.

0:28

You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

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Voys and reading each other publicly

0:33

as a form of therapy. Wait,

0:35

I make you need therapy most days.

0:38

Wow.

0:38

Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married,

0:40

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0:42

We created this podcast to open dialogue

0:44

about some of li's most taboo topics, things.

0:47

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0:49

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0:51

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when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts

0:57

one hundred the truth, the whole truth,

0:59

and nothing about the truth. We about to take philosof

1:02

to our whole new level.

1:05

Dead ass starts right now.

1:09

So I

1:12

remember exactly where I was when I started

1:14

to wonder, like what exactly was going on?

1:17

But Dakota specific Dakota Okay.

1:19

And it was trying

1:22

to remember the month. I remember exactly when

1:24

it happened, but it was during Jackson's football

1:27

practices where I was

1:30

spending a lot of time with Jackson,

1:32

and me and Jackson were spending like three

1:34

or four days together a bunch of hours preparing

1:37

for football, and the koda.

1:39

I'll come in the house and Dakota runs

1:41

up to me, gives me a hug, right, and I'm saying, what's up, buddy?

1:43

And now at this point, the coda's turning two, right,

1:46

And I noticed that when

1:48

he said certain sounds, or try to say certain

1:50

sounds. I said things to him. He would say

1:52

like eat, and

1:55

I would say, hey, what's up, buddy? You know what I'm saying. You having

1:57

a good time? And rather than say yes, he

2:00

would say eight. So

2:02

at first I was like, it's interesting because

2:05

he's not mimicking me. He's not imitating

2:08

me, he's just making a sound. So

2:10

at first I was like, it's not that big a deal. You know, he's

2:12

not even two yet. You know, it is what it

2:14

is. Then I remember on

2:17

his second birthday when I was

2:19

just like, oh, he's two now. I remember the

2:21

boys around there two year old

2:23

birthdays you know, they can scream out yay, you

2:26

know what I'm saying, hi, bye bye. And

2:28

then I remember his second birthday. We were

2:30

doing like we do with all of them. We have a little cake and

2:32

we celebrating with him, and

2:35

I said, yo, your pample needs to be changed. Go

2:37

get your pampa. I said, your pampa dirty. And

2:39

then he said and

2:42

I said, he's two now, he

2:44

should be saying yes

2:47

at this point he should. And what

2:49

threw me off is that he's been saying

2:52

mama, Dad, Papa,

2:54

Mimi, and roro since

2:56

he was like right after one. He's

2:59

been saying those namesames. But now

3:01

he's still only saying those words clearly,

3:03

and he's saying eat. At that moment,

3:06

I was like, maybe

3:08

I should look into something. And

3:10

that's when you took him for his two year old

3:12

check check up and the doctor

3:14

said, I want you guys to take

3:17

Dakota to see a speech pathologist.

3:20

Speech therapist be evaluated.

3:23

He should be saying fifty words at

3:25

this point or more and he

3:27

was only saying those five. Yep.

3:30

But the best part about it is that you told him to get his pamper.

3:32

He brought the pamper, the wipes, and the A and D

3:34

ointment and then laid on the couch like

3:36

change me, sir. So it was several things

3:38

here because he understands what you're saying. He

3:41

was able to get everything done. But it's

3:43

like, bro, you should also probably be using the potty now

3:45

too. Karaoke

3:47

time.

3:48

So in honor of Dakota's

3:52

middle name, his namesake, his name,

3:56

I'm going to sing this song because I want this song

3:58

to also resonate not only with him

4:01

but with other parents. Yes, y'all

4:03

know the Coolda's middle name is Marley.

4:05

That's a fact why I say this. But't

4:07

worry because

4:16

it's gonna be alright. Yes,

4:19

saying don't worry about

4:25

because.

4:28

It's gonna be alright.

4:30

That's a fact. Everything's gonna be

4:32

all right, baby, Yes, it's all good.

4:34

Let's go pay some bills and we're gonna dive into this. This

4:36

is something that we felt like we wanted to share

4:38

with you. Guys are dead

4:41

Ass family because in the spirit of sharing,

4:43

like we always do, we're very transparent about what's

4:45

happening in our lives. And since Dead

4:47

Ass Podcast has kind of evolved into

4:49

like a chronological

4:52

order of what we're dealing with at the time. You

4:54

know, we don't have a ton of guests anymore. We

4:56

just love to talk to you guys directly. You can hear what's going

4:58

on with our life, you guys to get at this point, you

5:00

guys are the guests exactly. So we

5:03

want to talk to you guys about what we've been diving

5:06

into when it comes to our baby

5:08

boy number four, Dakota,

5:10

So stick around and we'll be back.

5:15

All right, So let's

5:17

talk a little bit more about story

5:19

time because Kadeen and

5:21

I feel like, first of all, d

5:24

Coda is fine.

5:25

Yes, let's start there.

5:27

They had him tested. We had him tested. We

5:29

took him to a speech therapist. Yes,

5:31

and they do a series of tests for children

5:33

his aims.

5:34

Yeah, Deval and I were able to sit in on that as

5:36

well to kind of see what the

5:38

therapist was going to assess him on,

5:41

you know, just to be of support and to also kind

5:43

of get some tips and tricks about things we could start

5:45

to work on with him immediately while

5:48

we were waiting for the results of the assessment.

5:50

And the biggest thing I learned from the assessment

5:53

of there's two types of communication

5:56

for children. Yes, they work on the receptive

5:59

yes and then expressive yes, Donora,

6:02

I mean doora Dakota. When it came

6:04

to the receptive part of it

6:06

scored very well.

6:07

Yeah.

6:07

He pointed out over fifty

6:10

shapes, colors, animals,

6:12

shoes, bags, birds, things

6:14

I didn't even know. She was like pointing to your eyes,

6:17

ears, mouth, chin, hair,

6:19

elbow, knee. She's like, wow, he

6:21

knows all of his body parts. He knows

6:23

all of the objects that someone his age is supposed to

6:26

know and more.

6:26

She also gave him some direction like can you go and

6:28

get the ball? Can you go and get this? So he was

6:30

doing all of those things so he understood

6:33

exactly what was happening.

6:34

He also was able to take direction

6:36

for specific things that were a little

6:38

bit more advanced. For example, can

6:41

you take the ball out of the cup and

6:43

give one ball to Daddy and give one

6:45

ball to me? So it was like watching him

6:47

do certain things. There was a moment there

6:49

where Kadeen and I, you know, got a little

6:51

emotional because I know I got

6:53

emotional in part because I felt like

6:56

we were the problem. Absolutely, you

6:58

know, as parents want to get into

7:01

why I felt like we were the problem. But

7:03

when it came time to him for him to express

7:05

himself. It was like he was choosing

7:08

not to speak.

7:09

And it's hard because it's like, in that moment, we're wondering,

7:11

is he shy because this is a stranger that

7:13

he's never met before, so that level of comfort hasn't

7:16

been established. Is he just

7:18

being stubborn and just doesn't want

7:20

to talk or say anything.

7:22

I was a hearing issue. They wanted to see if it was

7:24

a hearing issue. But we tested for hearing and.

7:26

That was fine, fine colors. So

7:29

me as mom, you

7:31

know, I start to kind of think about and

7:33

it's hard because you have three children prior,

7:36

and I tend to kind of compare,

7:38

you know, where the other boys were at

7:40

that phase. So I remember Jackson

7:43

and Kaz. They spoke

7:45

very clearly and very eloquently

7:48

earlier on so meaning like you

7:51

know a little over a year going into two, they

7:53

were saying.

7:53

A lot, but they

7:55

weren't speaking I guess much.

7:57

For example, like Kiro Chyro was gibberish.

8:00

Right, So Cairo, I was gonna say, had like this. We

8:02

used to joke about it and call it Kyrones

8:04

like his own language, because he was

8:06

so animated and he would just be babbling

8:08

a lot, so we knew that he was trying

8:11

to express himself. But once he finally caught

8:13

his command of the English language,

8:15

then it was like words speaking, full

8:18

blown singing, I mean everything. So

8:20

I for a while, when Dakota

8:22

was approaching to my mom

8:24

and my sister at two different points, had mentioned

8:27

like, do you notice like the court doesn't really say as much, he doesn't

8:29

repeat as much. So I was like, we'll give him

8:31

a chance. Because every child is different,

8:33

they developed differently, and just because we're

8:35

the same two parents having four children, they're

8:37

all so different and his

8:40

pace may be different than the others. And let's

8:42

face it, he's in a household with seven other people

8:44

who we be talking all the goddamn time. You know what I'm saying,

8:46

well six because my dad is very quiet.

8:48

But I remember that, Yeah,

8:50

my.

8:50

Dad is super quiet, so you

8:53

know, between his brother's running around here, it was just

8:55

kind of like we figured naturally he

8:57

would just start talking because everybody

8:59

else is talk Can we talk to him? We talk with him,

9:01

you know. So there were things that I necessarily

9:04

didn't see as a red flag because

9:06

of that, and in retrospect

9:08

now, and I think even in this moment when

9:11

we were at the therapist's office and stuff. I

9:13

got emotional because I felt like, man, was I doing

9:15

him a disservice by not being

9:18

more tuned in Earlier.

9:20

I would I would say yes, and not you.

9:23

I would say we as a collective. Yeah,

9:25

And this is just a PSA for

9:27

all parents. Typically, when you get

9:29

to the second, third, fourth child, it's

9:32

you know, wills are in motion. You know,

9:35

Jackson got practiced, Kiro got art.

9:38

No, Kiro has practiced, Kaz has

9:40

art. We also have a tour, we're both

9:42

working, and then the fourth

9:44

child is like, well, he's around his brother, she'll

9:46

figure it.

9:47

Out, right, Or here's Mimi and Papa with him. You know,

9:49

he's in good hands during the day, right.

9:50

So we figured it out. When when you

9:53

really look at it, that's not how

9:55

we raised any of our other children.

9:58

Jackson had specific time from

10:00

one to two where he was just with dad

10:03

at home. Yes, Cairo had specific

10:06

time between one and two

10:08

where he was just with dad at

10:10

home. Jazz had

10:12

that specific time where he was home with

10:15

Mimi and we were working and

10:17

she was focused on doing mem Sorry,

10:20

But then when I look back at the colder, I said you know the colde

10:22

is too now, and he's had no

10:24

specific time with anyone. Pops

10:27

is not an early childhood educator. Pops

10:30

is a man of few words. Pops,

10:32

like most granddads do, will put

10:34

on whatever it is you want to watch. I'm gonna make sure

10:36

you're healthy. I'm gonna make sure you're not bleeding. I'm gonna

10:38

make sure and we're gonna show.

10:41

So Pops would put on Coco melon.

10:44

We as parents were just like, oh, it's cocomelon.

10:46

This is good. Like kids, they're singing,

10:49

they learned songs. He's doing the wheels of the

10:51

bus. Okay. Cool.

10:53

So when I go back and think about the two years,

10:55

the code has been spending a lot of time in this

10:57

house with a man who does

11:00

not say much at all. So

11:02

if you're a young toddler, who

11:05

are you conversing with? If no one is

11:07

speaking to you. His brothers go to school

11:09

every day. When they come home, they go outside

11:11

and play with each other until five

11:14

six o'clock. Then they come inside and then it's

11:16

getting ready to time for bed. No one's

11:18

really paying specific attention

11:20

to Dakota, right, And the reason why I

11:22

feel like that's been the problem is because

11:25

he's been to speech therapy now for three

11:27

weeks and now he can repeat,

11:30

which means all we had to do.

11:32

Which starts the process of time.

11:35

That was unfair to him.

11:36

For sure, because you know, between Papa

11:38

and then Mimi being here, I know mimis a lot

11:40

more vocal and all that, but also too,

11:42

like, it's not their responsibility per

11:45

se to make sure that they are you

11:47

know, being an educator, you know, it's a

11:49

plus that we do have mom and dad

11:51

here to assist, but the responsibility

11:53

is not all on them to be able to do that. And

11:56

we typically don't start our boys in school

11:58

until they can speak. Jackson by

12:00

two and a half was speaking and Cairo

12:03

was the same thing. Kaz didn't have that opportunity because

12:05

of the pandemic, but we normally put

12:07

them in school so that the socialization component

12:10

also encourages them to speak

12:12

more their vocabulary expanse,

12:14

because the teachers are now giving them more like So

12:17

we also now reassessed when

12:19

we were going to start Koda in school,

12:21

thinking, you know what, let's start him immediately, because

12:24

during those days when the boys are

12:26

at school, you and I may have work or we're traveling.

12:28

If he's at least in a school environment or

12:30

an educational environment, he may be more

12:33

apt to pick things up. Yes, so those

12:35

are a couple of things that we have tried to do

12:37

more recently once we discover

12:39

that, you know what, he might be behind, like two

12:41

or three months.

12:42

And to be honest, when I

12:44

think about even Cairo and Kaz, Cairo

12:47

babbled earlier.

12:50

Aggressed that, like a lot of things, right.

12:52

Kaz was more articulate, but

12:54

Kaz also was less vocal up until

12:57

he was four. Yes, so even if you

12:59

go back and look at the videos, Kash just did

13:01

not speak to people. But there was moments

13:03

where I remember Kaz was two and a half,

13:06

Yes, mommy, I would like that, thank you.

13:08

Yes.

13:09

So it's like he won't speak, but when he speaks.

13:11

Yes, he's articulate, professor,

13:14

He was.

13:14

Little, little professor, but Cairo was at

13:18

and then now Cairo doesn't

13:21

speak as much, but Kaz is

13:24

super vocal. He has a bunch of questions.

13:26

So I want to say that too. So also, don't don't

13:28

put one barometer on all your children. If

13:31

they're not doing this by this time, something

13:33

is wrong. They evolved, they

13:35

learned differently. They choose when

13:37

they want to communicate and when they don't want to communicate.

13:40

But this is also important what they

13:42

watch. Yes, because Coda

13:45

loved to watch Coco Melon.

13:46

Which we didn't know is an over stimulant for children.

13:48

Had no clue, So it's actually a deterrent for

13:51

babies and children. They shouldn't be watching Coco

13:53

Melon. In turn, they should be watching things like Miss

13:56

Rachel, who was a human who's

13:58

actually speaking to them, and she's words

14:00

and she's encouraging the mimicking.

14:03

You know. That's a more educational route

14:05

when it comes to TV and screen time, which

14:08

has.

14:08

Helped him because he's learned, he's

14:10

learned how to pronounce certain words. I

14:13

play that Miss Rachel Wheels on the

14:15

Bus video so much, but

14:17

now he's wheels on the

14:19

bus and he's.

14:22

Doing it in the car today.

14:22

Actually, just practicing

14:25

the use of that language while watching a human

14:27

do it is different than watching a cartoon that

14:29

looks like the alien with the words underneath

14:32

and the bouncing ball and music and flashing

14:34

lights. For young kids, they don't

14:37

know what they're seeing. And I remember

14:39

watching Sesame Street

14:42

and think about how primitive Sesame

14:44

Street is the letter of the

14:46

day is A say

14:49

A and they put that

14:51

A up there a

14:55

A and it's like, yo, like, my

14:57

kid ain't slow. But then when you think

15:00

it.

15:00

Was a method to that madness,

15:02

Yes there was a method to that, which

15:04

makes sense. So it's like going back to the roots

15:07

of some things that are just timeless when it

15:09

comes to early childhood development

15:11

and education, which we didn't know. So

15:14

yeah, it's been one of those things where Deval and I

15:16

kind of struggled a bit with it because you know, naturally

15:18

his parents would want to be able to give our kid every opportunity

15:21

to be successful, even

15:23

at two wherever he should be at two.

15:26

But I also once I spoke to his doctor at

15:28

that two year checkup, she didn't seem overly

15:31

concerned because there were other milestone

15:35

markers that he met, Like

15:37

she literally gave me this whole exam that I had

15:39

to fill out for him. Can he do

15:41

this? Can he take a ball and put it in a

15:43

cup? Can he stack blocks?

15:45

Like?

15:45

Can he take direction if you ask him to put

15:47

something in the garbage? Like there were things that he was

15:49

doing, so she wasn't overly concerned.

15:52

And though she made the recommendation to have him evaluated.

15:54

I didn't want to be that parent that sometime gets

15:57

yeah, that panics or also gets offended. And

16:01

she kind of was like treading lightly with when she

16:03

told me. She's like, you know, I'm just making a recommendation

16:05

to you and our doctor. I love

16:07

her to death. She's a sister too, so I'm just like,

16:10

shoot it straight to this. If

16:12

it was baby, what would you do? Like, you don't want to tiptoe

16:14

around me. I'm not a sensitive parent, like say what

16:16

it is. And she's just like, no, I would recommend

16:18

just getting him at least evaluated. So

16:20

I said, I appreciate that, sad because I'm not the parent that's

16:22

just like, no, my child is fine. You ain't only labeling

16:25

my child. It wasn't that for me.

16:27

It was like what do I need to do to set him up

16:29

for success? Absolutely, And the minute she

16:31

said that, I found a speech therapist that I really

16:33

liked in the.

16:34

Areas day when Kadeen

16:37

does not play when it comes to education. The

16:39

next day she's like, the vow, these are the speech

16:42

therapist. When do you have time? We went

16:44

together and we made it a point

16:46

to let the doctors know that he has

16:48

both of his parents in his life who are going

16:51

to be here in this process absolutely,

16:53

because I always also feel like when they see

16:55

both mom and dad, yes they

16:57

know that not only the baby is supported,

16:59

but mom supported. He's not going to be a

17:01

combative thing. Where now we don't know if we're going

17:03

to get the child all the time, because sometimes

17:06

it's like, oh, my son don't need that. You know,

17:08

you can take them when you want. My son don't need that. Then when Dad's

17:10

turn to take them, he's not taking them right right.

17:12

No, I wanted to be very clear that they

17:14

knew that Dakoda was supported by both

17:16

of us for sure.

17:17

For sure, and so far, I mean, he hasn't

17:20

been exposed to the school environment yet. So the

17:22

first visit was a little bit kind of you

17:24

know, he was apprehensive. He was just like, where are

17:26

we going? Where I'm going with this.

17:27

Lady came to his first one?

17:28

Yeah, everyone tour. Now it's funny, like

17:30

it's good that you mentioned me because this jogged idea

17:33

or you know something I wanted to say before. But

17:36

Mimi is grandma. Okay, Mimi is

17:39

Grandma. She's fabulous, and all we know that but

17:41

at the end of the day, she is grandma, and those boys

17:43

know that Mimi has

17:45

a weakness for them. Yes, and Mimi

17:47

is going to do whatever it is they

17:50

want her to do and pop up. But I say

17:52

Mimi specifically because when Mimi took

17:54

him to his visit, he was like,

17:56

eh, I don't want to, Like

17:59

he was sticking in clinging to Mimi and did not

18:01

want to go with the speech therapist because

18:03

he knows with Mimi. Yeah.

18:06

So even to say if Mimi sits down

18:08

with him and she's doing flash cars or colors,

18:11

he's not engaging with her in that capacity,

18:13

Nope, because Mimi is fun as she

18:16

should be, you know. So that's when Deval

18:18

and I had to step back and say, you know what, that's

18:20

not Mimi's sole responsibility to have

18:22

to do that. Do we encourage it during the day when

18:24

she has time with him, Absolutely, But

18:27

the boys know that Mimi and Papa

18:30

will always try to bail them out of a situation.

18:32

Absolutely, you know. And that's the particularly difficult

18:35

thing about having my parents living full time.

18:37

Sometimes the lines get blurred when it comes

18:40

to boundaries and parameters and things

18:42

that they have permission to do. So

18:44

it's funny to see how Dakota acted differently

18:47

when Mimi took him into therapy versus

18:49

when you and I took him.

18:50

That's a great point because that also puts

18:53

us on notice of how important it

18:55

is for us to not put off all of our responsibilities

18:58

on your parents, right, because a lot

19:01

of our parents do that.

19:02

You know.

19:02

It was just like, oh, well, my parents got him,

19:04

so that's that's cool. There is a dynamic

19:07

there between grandparents and grandchildren

19:09

that is unspoken, but everyone knows what it

19:11

is. And that dynamic is this, my

19:13

grandparents love me so much more than they love

19:15

my parents, and I can get away with not

19:18

doing what my parents say with my grandparents

19:20

absolutely. Now there's also a

19:22

different dynamic between mom and dad.

19:26

For example, me and Kay took

19:28

Kolder to a second one. The

19:30

minute we get there, he looks at me, he

19:32

looks at Kay, he separates

19:34

from us because it's almost as if he knows,

19:37

like, okay, I can't do the Mimi thing. This is

19:39

going to do what they want me to do. Right. We

19:42

get down there and the

19:44

doctor says, you know, when he came the

19:46

last time, he didn't

19:48

repeat any words. I can't write

19:50

down what Mimi says that he

19:52

says at home. I have to hear it. So

19:54

then I go say, Mama,

19:57

Mama, say Dad, Dad,

20:00

Dad, Dad, who's Dakota

20:02

me? And she's like, oh wow. I

20:04

said yes, because there's a different disciplinary

20:06

action. Mom

20:10

is sitting there at me and Kase sitting there. I

20:12

said, he has to learn how to do these things when

20:14

we're not here. I

20:17

said, Yo, Dakota, we're going to leave.

20:19

We're not sneaking out. We don't do the sneak

20:21

out thing. We're going outside. We will

20:23

be right back, buddy. Okay. He looked

20:25

at us and he kind of was walking

20:28

towards the door, and in Case said no,

20:30

baby, you have to wait. You have to stay.

20:33

And at that moment it was like okay,

20:35

Dad said have to stay. Mom gave me reassurance

20:39

I'll be fine.

20:40

Yes.

20:40

We walked out, closed the door, we listened to see

20:42

if we was going to hear the cry, and

20:44

then we just kept it go on. And

20:47

that to me was also important because I

20:50

had my mom and my dad here. They're both

20:52

telling me that they're going to be back. Yes,

20:55

Dad always is the disciplinarian, but Mom

20:57

takes care of me. So it seems like in his heart

20:59

he like, they won't let me.

21:01

Nothing happen to me.

21:02

I'll be fine, right, And then when he came.

21:04

Back in the doctor was just like night

21:06

and day. I don't know what happened. And

21:09

I'm like.

21:10

Yeah yeah, She's like yeah,

21:12

he was great. He was great. So then here

21:14

we are this morning was his fourth

21:16

visit. I believe four visits now, God so

21:19

slowly, little by little. On that second visit,

21:21

well, first visit with me me because we were on tour.

21:23

Yes, he didn't want to leave me me's side. Second

21:26

visit with mom and dad. Ten minutes in we left the

21:28

room, little tentative, but he stayed, but he stayed.

21:30

Third visit, we made it into the waiting area.

21:33

Then the therapist came out, Hey, Dakota,

21:35

do you want to go play with the bubbles? Do you want to play

21:37

with the pig? There's this one tour that he likes this pig. So

21:40

he was like, oh yeah, like he knew, gone

21:42

walked in with her today when

21:45

I went today. Dival didn't go today, but

21:47

I went today to take him. And as soon as she saw my

21:49

car pull up, she was outside and

21:52

she took him out of the car. See

21:54

and she was like, hey, Coda, good to see

21:56

you today. Are we going to go talk? And

21:59

he went and walked right in with her. Now he did look

22:01

back about three four times. Yo,

22:05

you go no hot tail it out of here. So I was

22:07

like, mommy's gonna go get some gas and come back.

22:09

Okay, you're gonna go with miss and I said

22:12

her name and he just kind

22:14

of nodded, and I said, you're gonna say yes,

22:16

and he said yes, and then he went inside.

22:19

And she text me a couple of minutes in and

22:21

she's like, he's great.

22:22

That's that's progress.

22:24

That's progress already. And then I come out of the

22:26

visit. Now she sees my car pulled back

22:28

up and she brings him out back to the car and

22:30

she was like wow. She said, you guys

22:32

have really been working with him, haven't you. And

22:35

I said, I said, listen, girl, I said, we

22:37

don't play games over here. You tell us

22:39

what we have to do, we're gonna do it. And then

22:41

some she said, I can tell. She said

22:43

he's doing way more mimicking. He's repeating,

22:46

he was saying help me, he said please.

22:50

He just so many things that he's just he.

22:51

Said please, said he said

22:53

please, because Dakota also been watching Miss Rachel.

22:56

So there's two things I know that he likes to sign,

22:58

well three things. He will sign thank you, he

23:01

will sign please, he will sign more

23:03

yes. But she said to work on saying

23:06

more and sign it and saying

23:08

please.

23:08

So he actually please today to her.

23:11

So she was trying to get him to do help me please,

23:13

but she said that's a little ambitious, just three words together.

23:16

But he does help me. And then he did please

23:18

separately, which was great because

23:20

he was reliant a lot on the sign language

23:22

too, which in the very beginning when you're teaching

23:25

children sign language, it's just an easier

23:27

way for you to communicate with them when they're

23:29

super young, right, absolutely. But I didn't

23:31

realize because he's the first child that we really did sign

23:33

language with, and I didn't realize how

23:35

much of a reliance he had on

23:38

the sign language, and I didn't know if that was also interfering

23:40

with his actual verbal as

23:43

well.

23:43

I did think about that because Solving's

23:48

children slicks children remember they speak

23:50

multiple language, and I remember

23:53

Rema because she's also big on neurological

23:55

movement in early child

23:57

education. Children who learned multiple languages

24:00

and sign language typically don't speak

24:03

as early as someone who learns one good

24:05

point, so they typically they're

24:07

trying to figure out which word and which language

24:10

do I use in this moment, So at times it could

24:12

be confusing, yes, and then once they hit the ground,

24:14

it's boomed. So at times I thought, well,

24:16

maybe the sign language is throwing him

24:18

off, but it wasn't that. It was really

24:20

just us in lack of lack of repetition.

24:23

But we also have a really good village because

24:26

once we told Papa and Mimi no

24:29

cocomelon. Papa and Mimi

24:31

does not put cocomelon on that television.

24:33

His brothers are very diligent because

24:35

we made it a family thing. We said, hey, guys,

24:38

your brother's not speaking where we want him to speak

24:40

yet, so we have to do a better job

24:42

of not giving him the things he wants

24:45

until he repeats. So if

24:47

he's saying, you know, juice, don't

24:49

just go because that's what you know, big brothers do. He

24:52

would grab Kiro's hand, Ro Ro Ro

24:54

Ro walk Cairo all the way to the

24:56

fridge, right open it and point and

24:59

Kiro would just get it, open it and give it to

25:01

him. So now I'm like, Kyro, you can't

25:03

do that. You got to make him say juice.

25:05

And then Kiro was gonna frustrat. He's like, Dad, he won't repeat

25:08

us. I said, start with you just jeah.

25:11

So I'm watching him now he's pulling him. He's

25:13

just like because Kiro wouldn't

25:15

give it to him. So I'm like, these are the things

25:17

we have to do as a family to help him get into

25:19

that repetition of saying

25:21

what he wants, not just pointing.

25:23

Listen, y'all, it'd be celebrations up in here several

25:25

times a day, okay, Like it's over

25:27

the top, and like you said, we do have a great village.

25:29

Mom and Dad have now been making sure that they're compliant

25:31

with everything that we want to enforce. And just even

25:34

like friends and family who come by, like my sister's

25:36

in town and she's just like, you have to say cup cup

25:38

yep. You know, Uncle Matt is just like, no,

25:41

say say this word, say that word.

25:43

Like, I'm glad you brought that up. It was never an

25:45

embarrassment thing for us. You know how

25:47

some parents get embarrassed and said, oh my child

25:49

is speech to lake, don't

25:51

tell anyone.

25:52

Because we quite frankly didn't even have

25:54

to do an episode on this. We could have just been like, all right,

25:56

we'll just let it rock. But but why we.

25:58

Have to stop shaming people who

26:00

learn differently. We're shaming children

26:02

who don't do everything on par with the rest

26:05

of our children. How about we rally around

26:07

them. You can't have the village rally around

26:09

them if you're too ashamed to tell people. My

26:11

child may be a little delayed because of something I

26:14

did, or maybe something that's.

26:15

Wrong with he didn't do it, well, I didn't do right.

26:17

You don't know. But our village,

26:19

all of our friends. The first thing we tell him, hey,

26:21

we're dealing with a speech delayed with the coda.

26:24

So if he points to something, if he tells me, try to

26:26

get him to repeat. You know, he has all his uncles.

26:28

Here is Josh here, Matt here, Uncle

26:30

Chris comes with my brother. Were telling everybody

26:33

in our family, Hey, this is what

26:35

we're dealing with. We need you'all to rally around

26:37

it. So we implore anyone who's going

26:39

through this with a child, don't be ashamed. No,

26:41

you don't have to feel like something is wrong and

26:43

most of the time speech delays are not permanent.

26:45

No speach delays or something early.

26:48

You can boom and they'll be like I never would have thought

26:51

that he was.

26:52

And all it took was a little refocusing on our side, right

26:54

because like we said when we talked about even

26:56

just like this being our last tour and

26:59

us just not having like the capacity to be

27:01

able to do it between work and family and stuff.

27:03

These are the things that we are taking into consideration,

27:06

like having to spend more time physically

27:08

in the house with our children because

27:10

they're all dealing with something different and

27:13

it's four different things that one time we have coded

27:15

with the speech delay. You know, Jackson had a low

27:17

moment last night. We had to talk to him about some stuff

27:20

like there's always something that

27:22

somebody is dealing with and there's no more

27:24

power than being here physically to

27:26

deal with it head on.

27:27

And not for nothing, Jackson

27:30

wasn't speech delayed, but Jackson dealt

27:32

with a stuttering issue.

27:34

I forgot. Yeah, Jackson was stuttering,

27:36

which is part.

27:37

Of the reason why we were so adamant about putting

27:39

him in debate, because with Jackson,

27:41

his issue was thinking fast

27:43

and trying to get the words out without saying,

27:45

hey, let the words come. And

27:48

Jackson be thinking and thinking and he's very I

27:51

forgot the exact word, but he's

27:53

almost like a computer when

27:55

we.

27:56

Take downloading and he's trying to say

27:58

it while it's downloading, and it's buffering.

28:00

Buffering, That's what it was like. He was buffering,

28:02

and I'm like, bro, so you don't have to rush

28:04

and get it out. And then the practice, the constant

28:07

practice is staying on him and say

28:09

the end of the words and working

28:11

on different exercises.

28:13

It was a concern for me early on, only

28:15

because I'm stuttering runs in my family

28:17

on my mom's side. Remember my grandfather.

28:20

My grandfather studied his entire life. I

28:23

have an aunt who's still to this day studies. She's a lot

28:25

better now. She's actually an ELA teacher, which is

28:27

amazing that I'm proud of her because she's overcome

28:29

so much of it. She does still have it every now and again, but

28:32

she's overcome a lot of it. And then another

28:34

aunt of mine stuttered as well too, So when

28:36

Jackson was stuttering early on, I'm like, oh my god, this

28:38

this is just like a genetic thing that he

28:40

couldn't overcome. But I'm thinking about back then,

28:42

my grandfather didn't have the resources within his

28:45

community developmentally to get any kind of therapy

28:47

if that was necessary. But with us,

28:49

we did speak to his pediatrician about it at the time Jackson,

28:52

and he too didn't seem too concerned,

28:54

but he did say, that's probably what it is,

28:56

just practicing. So between debate and

28:58

then seeing Jackson on stage age at the Apollo

29:01

introducing you and delivering this whole

29:03

speech that he wrote, it was just

29:05

a proud moment for us too, because he's come a long way with

29:07

that. Well.

29:08

For the past couple of years, he has exercise

29:10

that he and I do right, And when I feel

29:12

like sometimes he's getting ahead of

29:14

himself, I say, slow down, Yeah, say red Rover,

29:16

red Rover, Win is just really over and you'll

29:18

say it, say who, what, where? When? Why? How? Say

29:21

she sells by the sea shore And it teaches

29:24

him to slow down, say the beginning

29:26

and the end of every word, and just those

29:28

constant practices became muscle memory

29:31

because he used to he used to struggle with the

29:33

s's, the w's in the rs and

29:35

it was like the minute we get to ess and I'm like hey,

29:38

hey, and it was like not shaming him,

29:40

No, definitely, you know, not doing things like

29:42

I hear some some parents when I was in Prototype,

29:45

had a couple kids who used to stutter with

29:47

stammer and they would be stuttering, and

29:49

you would hear mothers yo get on stammer and stammering

29:51

and screaming, and then their kids would be shocked

29:53

and they would be stopping.

29:54

I'd be like yo, yo, like right because

29:56

for them, of course, it can be embarrassing.

29:58

Of course, and we're talking about kids who were eight nine years

30:00

old. We're still in that development phase, like

30:02

their brains haven't really fully developed in so

30:05

they don't know what's going on. And we

30:07

do a lot more harm to our children by ignoring

30:09

their issues and then shaming them in front of

30:11

other people for not self correcting

30:14

their own issues that they don't know that they have.

30:15

Absolute they're not even equipped to be able to do

30:17

that. So we have some facts and stats

30:20

that I want to jump into just some overall general

30:22

things that Triple has come up with for

30:24

you guys. When we're talking about

30:26

developmental potential

30:28

delays with children, Timely

30:31

identification of delay

30:34

by primary care physicians can allow for early

30:36

intervention and reduce disability.

30:39

So, like we said, going through two year old checkup.

30:41

Two year old check and those milestone marker checkups

30:43

are super important to make sure that you're on

30:46

One out of five children will learn to talk

30:48

or use words later than other children

30:50

their age. Some children will also show

30:53

behavioral problems because they are frustrated

30:55

when they can't express what they want

30:57

or need.

30:58

Now think about that, you said one in five have four

31:00

boys, right, right, So it means that if

31:02

you know one of them.

31:03

Probability one of them may.

31:06

They might not all of them or all of them. But we

31:08

knew we were going to get one.

31:09

Right, and we got one. Yeah, exactly,

31:12

And it's funny. I do notice sometimes the CODA gets

31:14

annoyed or frustrated if he's trying

31:16

to express what something that he wants and

31:19

he can't say the words yet, but he'll get upset, so

31:21

he'll just either motion for or sign

31:24

something that he wants. Simple

31:26

speech delays are sometimes temporary.

31:28

They may resolve on their own or with a little

31:30

extra help from family. It's important to encourage

31:33

your child to talk to you with

31:35

gestures or sounds, and for you to spend

31:37

lots of time playing with them, reading

31:39

to them, talking with your infant or toddler,

31:41

and in some cases your child will

31:44

need more help from a trained professional,

31:46

a speech and language therapists to learn

31:48

to communicate. One thing, I also

31:50

realized that we weren't doing with Coda as much

31:52

that we did with the younger boys. For example,

31:55

he's in this house a lot. Yes, he's

31:57

not out, he's not exploring. You know, Dad will take

32:00

him on walks and stuff during the day to get some fresh

32:02

air. But Jackson, Cairo and Kads

32:04

were literally intransit with us all

32:06

the time. So when we're in the car and

32:08

we're driving around Brooklyn, you point out

32:10

the building, the car, the truck, this, the

32:13

dog. And there was a lot more of that happening

32:15

with our three younger boys, whereas with

32:18

Coda just be like fresh Prince of fresh

32:21

Prince of atl children in the house all day

32:24

that Now I'm like, okay, I'm going to be more

32:26

deliberate. The weather's getting nicer, yep, I'm going

32:28

to take him to the park more. We're going to have moments

32:30

where he can go shopping with me, we can point

32:32

things out like That's one thing I realized that we weren't

32:34

doing with the Coda that we did with the other three. And

32:38

research suggests that the first six months

32:40

of life are the most crucial for the child's

32:42

development of language skills. For

32:44

a person to become fully competent in any language,

32:46

exposure must begin as early as possible,

32:49

preferably before school age.

32:51

I would have to definitely agree

32:53

with this. When you have your

32:56

first child, you put all your energy into the first.

32:58

Then you have the second, you have to split time you

33:00

have the third. It's impossible to split time

33:02

between two and your career. So it's typically

33:05

the third child is the one who gets

33:07

the least amount of love. I saw it with my family,

33:09

my sister Tori with Sakari.

33:12

Not the least amount of love.

33:12

But you're not love. They don't get the least

33:15

amount of love. But I mean, I mean, I will,

33:17

I would say love even you know, my

33:20

parents probably hugged up and kissed up on

33:22

us more than they did my sister, because you

33:25

know they did you. Yeah, there's

33:27

just so much going on and that affection

33:29

component. When I watched the speech

33:31

therapists with Dakota, all

33:35

they're doing is playing. And when I mean

33:37

love that's the type of love.

33:39

And positive reinforcements, of course.

33:41

But but with Jackson, I took time

33:43

with love to let's play with the blocks.

33:46

With Dakota, I'm not gonna lie. There were times

33:48

like, yo, go find your brothers because I figured he

33:50

has someone who's gonna play with it. But

33:52

these little dudes is on the video game

33:55

playing roadblocks and they don't got time for a toddler.

33:57

It's unfair as parents

34:00

if you're going to continue to have children to not say

34:02

I'm going to give the same amount of love, attention

34:04

and discipline to the fourth as I did to

34:06

the first. And I know I'm guilty of that, absolutely,

34:09

That's what I feel like it's going to change.

34:11

That's like you see huge wake up call for why are we

34:13

not going on tour as much? Why are we not

34:16

doing as much. It's also

34:18

just more imperative that we spend time

34:20

with them because they talk about early childhood

34:23

development the first six months.

34:26

But now Jackson is in that middle school

34:28

age. He needs still needs dad's

34:30

attention.

34:31

Oh for sure.

34:31

Cayrol and kas are in elementary school,

34:34

so they need our attention. So we're at a point

34:36

now where it's like The most important thing is our

34:38

children and how they develop, for sure.

34:40

And I think you and I can do a good job once

34:43

we put the time and effort into it by dividing

34:45

and conquering. So maybe you designating

34:47

a day where you're like, yo, I'm rocking with Cairo today,

34:49

babe, Okay, I'm doing something with him. And then

34:52

I'm like, all right, cool, I got colder, Like I pull

34:54

out a ton of books already, Like I've been rearranging

34:56

the play area just to make sure that

34:58

I'm doing those things with him deliberately.

35:01

What you said is something that I

35:03

noticed too. You've given them now

35:05

a designated learning area. Yeah,

35:08

they had that when we were in Calabasis.

35:10

Yes, they had that. When we got here,

35:13

we never had a designated learning area. Whereas

35:15

this is the time where we're going to sit down, and yes,

35:18

and Dakota needs that. That's the regiment they

35:20

need sometimes while you get a speech therapist

35:23

because they know what this time on these days,

35:25

I'm going.

35:26

To learn for sure. For sure, children

35:29

three and younger showing signs of speech, language,

35:32

or developmental delays maybe referred to an early

35:34

intervention specialist. Early intervention

35:36

is a federal and state funded program

35:38

that helps children and their families, which is

35:40

awesome for families if you have insurance.

35:43

That was one of the things that Deval and I were able to look into

35:45

where pretty much all of his visits

35:47

will be covered by insurance because they're in support

35:50

of making sure that children

35:53

have what they need, particularly when it comes

35:55

to early intervention specialties

35:57

and stuff like that.

35:58

And that's important because so many families feel like

36:00

I can't afford this service.

36:02

So that you just may shy away from me.

36:03

Shy away from minute. All you have to do is do to research

36:05

to find out what you qualify.

36:07

For advocate for your child. And I

36:09

have another friend of ours who her son is on

36:11

the spectrum and she's realizing he had a hearing issue.

36:13

There's a couple of things happening and baby.

36:16

She went to town trying to find every

36:18

resource, every grant, every doctor

36:20

who was within whatever network to make sure that her

36:22

son got every opportunity. I

36:24

mean, there's some really really high end schools

36:26

that are specialized in early

36:29

intervention specialties. So yeah,

36:31

you have to do your research as the parent and see

36:33

what's available to you at

36:35

little to no costs, you know, So

36:37

all right, y'all, So stick around. We

36:39

are going to come back with listener letters. Hope that

36:41

with some helpful information for you all. And of course we

36:44

always want to encourage parents to you know,

36:46

when the parent guilt kicks in, try to reel

36:48

that back in and just say, you know what, instead

36:50

of making this about me, how can

36:52

I spend the energy being positive and proactive

36:54

about helping my child? So stick around.

36:56

We're going to pay some bills and we'll be back with listener letters.

37:14

All right, guys, we're back. So we are back

37:16

with Kadeen's favorite part because I'm

37:20

gonna go first today. Hey, y'all,

37:22

I need a little advice. So I'm thirty with

37:25

a nine year old son and my boyfriend is thirty three

37:27

with no kids. We have officially been together

37:29

for two years. We have been living together for

37:31

a year and a few months now. A couple

37:33

months into moving in, I noticed that he didn't want

37:35

to have sex as much, and since then we

37:38

have only been having sex once or twice

37:40

a month now. Beforehand, our sex

37:42

life was filled with so much passion intimacy,

37:44

so I knew that something was wrong. He mentioned a few

37:47

things when I brought it up. He said that stepping

37:49

into a stepdad role was a

37:51

lot in him just not being happy about

37:53

the area that we lived in. But something

37:55

was just not adding up, because

37:58

what does that have to do with sex. It

38:01

would be times that my son isn't home and he still

38:03

wouldn't touch me. Then eventually, after

38:05

a few conversations, he tells me that my weight is

38:07

alarming for him, and I understood because

38:09

I knew I was gaining weight and I felt uncomfortable

38:11

myself. I am one hundred and sixty five pounds

38:14

and I'm four eleven. Definitely a thick

38:16

girl, but I'm not obese.

38:19

I put on about thirty pounds since we met.

38:21

Thirty pounds on a four foot eleven frame is

38:23

a lot of weight I noticed as a trainer. I'm not judging

38:26

you missed, but thirty pounds on a four to eleven frame,

38:28

I'm speaking as an athlete when we talk about weight

38:31

for years, you know, especially dealing

38:33

with women. So yeah, now

38:35

I know he says it's alarming, but he didn't tell

38:37

me how serious it actually was for him.

38:39

So once we made two years, I sat him down and told

38:42

him I couldn't take it anymore. And I am sexually

38:44

frustrated, which is good. You should tell him that. Then

38:46

he started telling me how he feels about my weight again.

38:49

He's now in the habit of just relieving

38:51

himself. He sometimes puts a pillow

38:53

over his face. What

38:56

He sometimes puts a pillow over his face when we have sex

38:58

and does not try to please me anymore. And

39:01

it dawned on me he really can't stomach the thought

39:03

of having sex with me at all, and that fucked

39:05

with me heavy. He would still

39:07

show me affection like kisses and hugs on a daily

39:09

basis, So in my head I was thinking that he

39:12

still found me somewhat attractive, but I guess

39:14

when it comes to sex, he just can't look past

39:16

it. I know I'm going to get fit

39:18

and slim down just because I want it for myself.

39:21

But my question is should I even stay with someone

39:23

who can't handle the fluff because

39:26

it sounds like being slim is necessity

39:28

for him, and I don't want to feel like I have

39:31

to constantly look a certain way for him to accept

39:33

me. Thank you for reading love y'all.

39:37

Who that was a lot. That

39:40

was a lot. I will say, first

39:43

of all, you getting into whatever shape

39:46

that you feel most comfortable with. Has to start

39:48

with doing it for you. Yes, that's

39:51

first and foremost. Nobody can tell you make

39:53

you feel you want to have to do this

39:55

because you're the one that has to physically put in the

39:57

work. Yes, put in the time, changed

40:00

diet. There's been many times when devo

40:03

and it's only I'm saying I'm using this as a

40:05

reference only because it's what I wanted where

40:08

I would be like, man, I'm trying to get back after

40:10

this baby, or you know, I have something

40:12

that I want to do or trip coming up, and I want

40:14

to fit into a certain outfit. And he

40:16

was holding me accountable because I said

40:19

I wanted to look a certain kind of way.

40:21

That's fair, but I also wanted you to look

40:23

a certain way. I don't want that to be to go.

40:25

Oh yeah. I was going to give your chance to say that too,

40:27

because that's also very necessary. But

40:30

I wanted to be able to feel comfortable with myself.

40:32

But I had to be the one that was ready to do

40:34

the work. That being said,

40:36

sis, I think it's unfair

40:39

if your guy met you a

40:41

certain kind of way for you to then

40:44

let yourself go that far and

40:46

then not take into consideration that how that might

40:48

affect him. And that's just me being

40:50

completely honest. I like

40:53

I in my circumstance with Devo, for

40:55

example, I know that Deval likes

40:57

when I'm in shape, he likes when I'm fit, and

41:00

I felt like I wanted to get back to a space

41:02

where this is when Deval met me, I

41:04

looked like this. I want to be back there for

41:06

him as well too. Now

41:09

does it mean that he's no longer going to

41:11

love you if you gained thirty pounds,

41:13

Now that's a problem.

41:14

That is because Cadeen gained forty pounds with Jackson

41:17

and I still loved her. Yeah, and

41:19

I mean I still loved her like the

41:22

fluff and forty pounds on a five

41:24

foot five frame is still a

41:26

lot of weight, but it was distributed

41:28

nicely. So again, in my in

41:31

my defense, I was still in love

41:33

with how she looked even before she gained weight. But

41:35

I also knew that that was temporary. I

41:38

knew that there was going to be a process. I also

41:40

want to add this that doesn't only go one

41:43

way, right My group friend

41:45

my friend group, especially my fellas,

41:47

we talk about how we look for our wives

41:50

and we will clown each other. Like, dude,

41:52

you were a professional athlete or a collegiate

41:54

athlete, and that woman met you with

41:57

a six pack, she was tall and strapping.

42:00

And now you're retired and you let yourself go,

42:02

and you still expect that woman to

42:04

be ready for what you want sexually.

42:06

That's not fair to her. And to be

42:08

honest, I will die on this hill. Okay,

42:11

I would die on this hill. Women will

42:13

tell you and the heartbeat, I want a man who's

42:15

six footing up. Men

42:19

can't control their height at

42:21

all, but women are fine saying

42:23

he got to be six foot, he got it, okay. So

42:26

when a man says she gotta be twenty

42:28

eight inch waist, you can't then say that's unfair,

42:32

right the same way you'll say, well, there's some women who

42:34

can't control their weight, that's true, but

42:36

no man can control his height, and women don't

42:38

have a problem saying that. So if we

42:40

all have standards, which you have to do is

42:42

find someone who has

42:44

the same standard that you have. Don't

42:47

lower your standards, but also don't

42:49

ask someone to lower their standard. If

42:51

you have a standard that you expect your partner to

42:53

uphold. And I would die on this hill. I

42:57

love to be okay,

43:00

I hate the beard. I say this all the time. I

43:03

don't like it. It makes me itch. My

43:06

wife loves the beard. But I also understand

43:08

this. I have a

43:10

responsibility to be my wife's fantasy.

43:13

If I'm going to ask my wife to

43:15

dedicate her life and all her sexual exploits

43:18

to me, I can't then tell

43:20

you give me all of you, but

43:22

give me all of you the way I want you to give

43:25

me. Only that's not fair. There's a give and take,

43:27

and part of that giving intake, for both

43:29

men and women is being in shape.

43:31

That's essentially what I was getting at. And I know

43:33

it might sound harsh and some women may not agree

43:35

with me when I say, girl, you got it, Like just gaining

43:37

thirty pounds is not okay. It's not okay.

43:40

First off, for your health, health, for your own

43:42

health and well being, that's the first thing. And forget vanity,

43:45

forget vanity on a frame as that's four

43:47

eleven gaining that kind of

43:49

I don't know how fast the

43:51

way it came on too, but that's just not healthy.

43:55

And if she has a thyroid issue, please give us

43:57

that in the context so we understand.

44:00

Oh, she didn't and give us.

44:01

Context so that we understand, like, well,

44:03

you can't control the weights

44:06

waiting circumstances when you say I just gained

44:08

thirty pounds.

44:09

Right exactly, And it's just like I know, personally,

44:11

I am motivated to stay in shape for myself first

44:13

and foremost, and then for my husband, Like literally,

44:16

I feel like he deserves to have the best version

44:18

of me. Vanity aside, Deval

44:20

and I were like, Yo, we're both turning forty. We're making

44:23

the necessary changes so that we can

44:25

live this life as long as we can control

44:27

it as long as possible together, and

44:30

it starts with health. That's why even preparing

44:32

for the tour, us working out, changing our diets,

44:34

doing it together, you know. And maybe he

44:36

should be rallying around her if

44:38

your goal is to now lose this weight, be like, babe,

44:41

can you support me through this posive process so I

44:43

can get back down to size. But I can understand

44:45

how it's heart wrenching for her to feel like, damn,

44:47

like my man has to put a pillow over his face

44:49

and he can't stand the side of me while having sex

44:52

like that has to be heartbreaking, and I feel for

44:54

her with that.

44:54

But This is also a bigger issue, right, Why

44:57

doesn't he feel comfortable saying, hey,

45:00

you know, seems like you put on a little

45:02

bit of weight. Is everything okay?

45:04

She did say that, though she said he asked right.

45:06

No, she said, at first he stopped coming

45:09

on to her, and that's when she started asking.

45:12

And my thing is, as a man, you should

45:15

say to your partner, if this someone you want to spend the

45:17

rest of your life, well say hey, babe, I notice you put on some weight.

45:20

Are you okay physically? Is everything okay? If

45:22

everything's okay, it's like, yo, you know, how about we

45:24

go to the gym together? How about we do this

45:26

together? But you have to express it before

45:28

it becomes a turnoff to where you can't

45:30

look at your partner anymore, because now

45:32

what you're doing is projecting whatever

45:35

issues you have with her weight on her. She doesn't

45:37

know why, but now she's becoming

45:39

insecure, and if she becomes more insecure,

45:42

she's not gonna want to work out anymore.

45:44

Like I've watched that.

45:45

Remember when I when I used to train athletes, I

45:47

also train their parents. Seventy five

45:50

percent of the athletes I trained were from single

45:52

moms, and those moms were over was

45:54

overweight sometimes and I said, how did you get overweight?

45:56

And they would tell me stories, but I was

45:58

like, you know, I didn't realize that. So I had this child that's

46:00

trying to gain weight. And then my husband never

46:03

said anything, but I noticed that he was less affectionate.

46:05

And then once I realized he was less affectionate,

46:07

I got down on myself. And then once I got depressed,

46:09

the weight kept coming.

46:11

So it was almost like it's a psychological

46:14

attachment.

46:15

Yeah, And it was a cycle that as a

46:17

man, if you realize that your wife

46:19

is gaining weight in a way that you don't like

46:21

it, or something that's not helping

46:23

you say it before it becomes

46:26

an issue, that becomes a bigger issue.

46:28

Weight is just so sensitive for people, though, so I can understand

46:30

why maybe he might have been apprehensive because weight

46:33

is sensitive man or woman. I think

46:35

it's hard for some people to figure out how to say

46:37

it. I guess maybe in a nice way or in a caring

46:39

way, on a way that's going to be received. And I just thinking

46:41

from the sensitivity standpoint, let.

46:42

Me ask a question. Name a topic

46:45

that's too sensitive for you and me to discuss.

46:47

I know what we're different.

46:48

No, no, no, then we're not different.

46:50

We're different or we've gotten to this point. But

46:52

it wasn't always easy.

46:53

It wasn't. But my point, it wasn't easy because

46:55

weight used to be sensitive for you for.

46:56

Sure, used to be absolutely, especially

46:58

after kids.

47:00

But my point is this, being sensitive

47:02

about something doesn't give you the right to

47:05

ignore it the same way we just talked about

47:07

these kids, right, and maybe having a learning

47:09

delay or a speech delay is sensitive. So does

47:11

that mean we ignore it.

47:13

No, we don't have to attack it hard

47:15

conversation.

47:16

And that's my point with couples. Couples that's all the time,

47:18

how y'all keep the spark, But when

47:20

we tell people sometimes how we keep the spark

47:23

that.

47:25

We received well?

47:26

Right, part of keeping the spark is trying

47:28

to keep yourself the way you attracted

47:31

your partner. This is something people

47:33

don't want to hear. Being attracted

47:35

to someone is part of

47:37

the process. That's part when you meet someone.

47:39

You don't meet someone with telepathy and say this

47:41

person is brilliant, I'm going to fall in love with them.

47:44

You meet them first, something about them attracted

47:46

you to absolutely, And I think that the best

47:48

way to keep the spark is to try to keep yourself

47:51

to where you felt like you was at your best.

47:53

And me and my homies and I'm speaking

47:55

to a lot of dudes to listen to this too. We

47:58

have a three month body

48:01

check.

48:02

A body check.

48:03

O yo yo, when the last

48:05

time y'all been in the gym?

48:08

Serious? And then yo yo, put your

48:10

picture, put your X. I don't want to say the

48:13

names because put your picture

48:15

in the chat? What the fuck are you doing?

48:18

No, you're right. I've heard your the phone with your brother recently

48:20

and you got on the phone with his wife and was like, Sis,

48:22

you got to make sure that he's not doing X

48:24

y Z. He needs to be there for you and the

48:27

kids. Like It's true. That's just how we speak.

48:29

We're very, very transparent and blunt

48:31

about it.

48:32

Yes, I said, yo, bro, you you just

48:34

got married. Your wife met you a

48:36

certain way. You think that now, since you

48:38

got a woman and she's gonna cook for you and stuff,

48:40

that you can just eat your way into an early grave

48:42

and not be there for them. Plus

48:44

that woman met you a certain way

48:46

and fell in love with you a certain way. This is

48:48

gonna come a point where you're gonna be like, yo, babe, how come you ain't

48:51

doing this no more? Nigga? You

48:53

don't look the way she went like, that's

48:56

come on.

48:56

That's just what it is, y'all. Man or woman,

48:59

it don't matter. It's not insensitive.

49:01

It's just what it is. What it is is what

49:03

it is, like, it's

49:05

what it is.

49:06

Yes, it is what it is. You can't avoid it. If

49:08

you love your partner as much as you say, take

49:10

care of yourself for yourself but also

49:12

for them.

49:13

Absolutely, that's just the fact. Absolutely,

49:15

good luck to your since I know you can do it. I know

49:17

you can do it, and you already said that, you know that you want

49:19

to do this for yourself. Start there and he's

49:22

going to feel the effects and the benefits of it. But if you

49:24

and your spirit feel like, you know what, I don't

49:26

want to be with somebody in the event that I lose

49:28

this weight and then say gain it back later you have a child

49:30

or something, and that's going to be an issue again, that's

49:32

worth having the conversation with him about.

49:34

While we on this topic, I hope we get to a second. But

49:36

I haven't ask you a question as a woman, why

49:39

do we see so many women right, who

49:42

will bad get into a relationship

49:45

right kind of lose themselves a little

49:47

bit, right, lose their

49:49

man and then like, oh, the best way to get him back

49:51

is to become the best version of myself. Why

49:53

didn't you stay the best version of yourself

49:55

when you was with him?

49:57

Valid question?

49:58

And I'm asking I somebody

50:00

who actually a couple of friends,

50:02

and I was like, Hey, why do they do that to self

50:04

sabotage?

50:05

You got comfortable, you know, was in love, you

50:07

know, gained a couples, then things gonna

50:09

work out and then babies a batty again.

50:11

I'm gonna get I'm gonna get him back by It's like, don't

50:13

get him back by doing that? Do that while he is

50:16

can be like.

50:17

Because that's a conditional thing. You have

50:19

to do it for yourself. You have to want to

50:21

do it for yourself. If you're doing it for some

50:23

other outside resource, I mean outside

50:25

person, it's not sustainable.

50:28

What you just said is the answer.

50:29

It's not sustainable.

50:30

Anybody who's only working out to hit the scene.

50:33

The minute you hit the scene and find somebody, you

50:35

won't work out no more because you was never doing it for

50:37

yourself to begin with. That's the why

50:39

I started with doing it. You got to do it for yourself

50:42

so you can sustain it for sure.

50:43

That's the truth, absolutely, all right. Second

50:46

one, we'll go to this one real quick. This one is a short

50:48

one. I love y'all so much, love your

50:50

bag. Okay. My first mistake was accessing

50:53

my husband's already logged in Facebook

50:55

account. Yall, I know,

50:58

she says, I know, and cas

51:00

well. I went to his search box to see who's

51:03

been checking on and he had been searching his

51:05

ex at least monthly

51:07

for months. It made me feel

51:09

the type of way initially, does he want to

51:11

be with her or miss her? Then

51:13

I self reflected and realized maybe we

51:16

all think of our exes every now and again.

51:18

I don't consistently search anyone, much

51:21

less an ex am I under

51:23

or overreacting. How would

51:25

you approach it? Asking about it isn't

51:27

going to change the fact that he's curious enough to

51:29

search in the first place. He dated this girl in high

51:31

school two thousand and four and

51:34

they hadn't had any communication since

51:36

before we got married. We've been married

51:38

thirteen years. Thoughts, Thank

51:41

y'all, hope this makes the podcast.

51:43

Love you both. Why

51:46

are you laughing. Got two thoughts, right,

51:48

okay, thoughts all right.

51:51

First thing, I never judged people right because

51:53

you never really never know someone's situation.

51:56

Right.

51:57

The first thing I thought was, damn

51:59

man, when you're looking at you exes, like, is that the one

52:01

that got away?

52:02

Huh? Right, But it's the first thing.

52:03

But I will say this, I don't think that anymore because

52:05

she says that she he

52:07

hasn't looked her up since for like thirteen years,

52:10

right, So he wasn't thinking about her for thirteen years,

52:12

right. So it could have been

52:14

somebody crossed his past, like oh have you

52:17

talked to so and so recently? And now

52:19

he's like, oh, I haven't, or someone sent him

52:21

the profile check out so and so and then he looks

52:24

and then updates. Because I know this for a fact. Social

52:26

media becomes addictive.

52:27

Right, you see, it's a rabbit hole.

52:29

It's a rabbit You post something and then you post to see

52:31

what they post.

52:32

Right.

52:32

It doesn't mean that they're in love something.

52:35

Like oh shit, I haven't like heard about this person a long

52:37

time. I've searched an x before on

52:40

to talk about that. But it was a similar But

52:43

it was a similar situation where his godsister

52:45

had reached out to me because she was getting tickets for

52:47

her friends for our live show. Actually,

52:50

and then she was just like, oh my goodness, like how have you been?

52:52

Like we love like the family has watched how you have

52:54

like blossomed you and your husband. We love you guys,

52:57

you know. And then she mentioned like, you know, I asked

52:59

how he was doing when how the family just

53:01

out of courtesy because we're having the back and forth,

53:03

and then she's just like, oh, he's great, like has two kids,

53:05

blah blah blah. And I went

53:07

and looked to see, oh yeah,

53:10

and then it was nothing. There was no interaction. I didn't

53:12

feel no kind of way. It was like, okay, great to see

53:14

this somebody who I used to date back in the days

53:16

doing well, and it was nothing attached.

53:17

It's funny you say this because you also

53:19

told me that you recent I

53:22

felt in no way about it when you told me about it. So

53:24

this this is also says a lot about their

53:26

relationship. Ask yourself, why

53:28

does it bother you so much? Of

53:31

course, ask him why. You then ask

53:33

yourself why it bothers him so much? Because when you

53:35

told me, you look up the person the first thing

53:37

wasn't my mind was like are you in love with that person?

53:39

Yeah?

53:39

It was just like, oh that's interesting. You know what I'm saying, Like my

53:42

mind just never went.

53:42

There, never went there. And I'm wondering what

53:45

was your reason for going to the search box

53:47

and did you eventually go to the message box the inbox?

53:49

Like you know, it could be like you said, a rabbit hole,

53:51

but it doesn't seem like there was anything more than just

53:53

the search bars. And

53:55

you know, being married thirteen years, it really could

53:57

have just been something as innocent as like, you

54:00

know, we see how she looked now, because

54:02

you know she looked good then, but then here we are thirteen

54:04

late, thirty years later, she might not like I

54:07

don't know, We'll.

54:07

Say this too. And I know

54:09

this is I have a couple of boys who live this type

54:11

of lifestyle. Is somebody cheating

54:14

on you or looking to hide something from you, they're

54:16

not gonna have their Facebook open for you to see.

54:18

Anything that the fact.

54:20

Unless he's like a Jedi, like

54:23

a Jedi mind trick cheater, and he's just

54:25

like, I'm gonna just delete everything and leave it

54:27

open so she you know what I'm saying. But most of the

54:29

time, niggas ain't that smart. Most

54:31

of the time niggas is logging out of everything, keeping their laptop

54:33

closed. They sleep with their phone underneath their pillowup.

54:35

True most times, and I'm not I can't

54:38

speak for them. I don't know. But most times,

54:40

the men that I know who keep their stuff open

54:43

and their wives find something.

54:45

It's like there was nothing to hide hide.

54:47

And sometimes women, if you look

54:49

for something, you're gonna find it,

54:52

you know what I'm saying. Like, you look for it, you're gonna find

54:54

it.

54:54

And are you gonna find something to find something? Like?

54:56

Why you search it?

54:59

Right? I just there's no messages,

55:01

there's no pictures.

55:02

I searched, that's it.

55:03

And it could have been the same thing. What if I was looking

55:06

for you? Why did you search up so and so? Because

55:09

I spoke to the god sister who bought tickets

55:11

to our podcast towards she mentioned

55:13

that he was on Facebook. I wanted to see how he was doing. It

55:15

could have became a thing if I wanted it to become

55:17

a thing. But you know, when you're confident

55:20

in your space, it's like certain things like that,

55:22

right.

55:23

And then also too, I mentioned it to you because it really was

55:25

nothing. It was just like yo, like they have kids, not blah

55:27

blah blah, he's married, great, good for him.

55:29

Like it was totally just like in passing

55:31

conversations.

55:34

Also, people don't take everybody doesn't

55:36

take social media serious. Like I've

55:38

had people ask me through DMS. You know, I

55:41

got a question about social media, like what boundaries

55:43

do you and Kate put on social media? For likes?

55:45

And it's I said, miss, we

55:48

don't put boundaries on social media. Social

55:50

media is not a real place. I

55:52

don't feel like I have to put boundaries on my wife

55:54

with social media because they exist in a

55:56

world that is not digital. You know what I'm

55:59

saying. Some people really don't give a shit about

56:01

social so it's like me searching

56:03

up somebody on the social to see what their life

56:05

is like that it's not that important, right, But

56:07

then there are some people who's like, now that's a violation.

56:09

That's cheating. If you type your excess name in

56:12

the search bar and you hit search,

56:14

your cheating. Like there's this people why

56:17

they have to speak to each other and

56:19

create their own boundaries. But for me and k no,

56:22

I could care less. Like k

56:24

looks up stuff on social media.

56:26

Her and her friends group. They got dick pics that

56:28

they be sending each other and ship like me and

56:31

we look at ads and TV off like you know, you

56:34

got single guys in the group they like yo check shorty

56:36

out like it is what it is?

56:38

I got eyes, got eyes right, but

56:42

we don't. We don't exist in the digital world though,

56:44

so it either I

56:46

could care less to be honest.

56:48

All right, If you want to be featured as one of our listener

56:50

letters, email us at dead ass Advice

56:52

at gmail dot com.

56:54

That's D E A D A S S A

56:56

D V I C E at gmail

56:58

dot com.

56:59

All right, time the moment of truth the topic

57:01

today. We're talking about Dakota's

57:04

Miuth speech delay and what we've been doing

57:06

to make sure that he is set up for success

57:08

as we move forward, so he can be the

57:11

brilliant two year old that we know he's growing

57:14

in to be.

57:14

My moment of truth is very very simple. Don't

57:17

put your child in a deficit because you're too

57:20

ashamed to ask for help. It's

57:22

that simple. If this life is about

57:24

them, you can't be concerned about what other

57:26

people may say about you or your parenting

57:29

style. If you're requesting help, don't

57:31

put your child in a deficit because of that.

57:33

That's a good one. Maybe. I think my moment

57:35

of truth is that us

57:38

as parents do also need

57:40

to give ourself grace because there's so many things

57:42

that we're juggling on a day to day basis,

57:45

and as long as you catch it early,

57:47

you reassess where the priorities should

57:49

be lying, and then you make the necessary

57:52

steps to make those changes immediately,

57:54

then you will allow your child

57:57

to prosper. And that's exactly what Daval and

57:59

I did feel in

58:01

the moment with Coden. Once we figured out something maybe a

58:03

little off, it's like, what are all of the things

58:05

that we can do to make sure that he's going to be okay?

58:08

And that's putting our feelings aside, putting

58:10

our pride aside, and just making sure

58:12

that at the root of everything

58:15

the child is first.

58:17

Yes, and lastly, it is not your parents'

58:19

responsibility to raise your kids.

58:22

Or the babysitter or the nanny or whoever.

58:24

As a parent, you have a responsibility to

58:26

be a parent. Putting it off on someone

58:28

else is unfair.

58:30

And even in school like baby,

58:34

are in this with our children and

58:36

their educators. It is a group team effort,

58:39

and we work in conjunction with all of

58:41

our children's educators, so

58:44

that's another important thing to note, all

58:46

right. Be sure to find us on Patreon to see exclusive

58:48

dead Ass podcast video content as

58:50

well as more family content from the ellisis.

58:53

And you can find us on social media at dead Ass

58:55

the Podcast, and you can find me

58:57

at Kadeen I Am and.

58:59

I Am Devout. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,

59:01

be sure to rate, review, subscribe,

59:04

and pick up your copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive

59:06

Approach to Getting Everything you want out

59:08

of your relationship.

59:09

Oh and follow me on TikTok, y'all, because I'm very unhinged

59:12

over there. I've been starting to dabble more into the TikTok

59:14

market. Yeah, so it's gonna be fun

59:16

over there. It's gonna be fun over the Me Me Me, Me,

59:18

Catch Me outside dead Ass

59:22

Cut.

59:23

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59:25

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59:28

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59:30

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