0:13

Hi,

0:14

I'm James Deakin and welcome to Desert Island

0:16

Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a

0:18

desert island after a plane crash with the worst

0:20

people and worst things imaginable. Who

0:23

they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest.

0:25

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today

0:28

is comedian and presenter Charlie Baker.

0:30

Hello, Charlie.

0:31

Hello, James. Hello. I

0:34

was wondering how big the island is. Oh,

0:37

do you know what? I don't know if I've ever been asked

0:40

that before. Because the picture on your

0:42

sort of thumbnail

0:45

is very... Whenever you see

0:47

a desert island drawn, they're

0:49

always quite small with just like one tree, aren't they? Do

0:51

you know what? You're right. I've

0:53

never thought about that. I mostly chose that

0:55

because the tree just immediately looked quite

0:58

dick like. I hadn't picked up the phallic symbolism

1:00

of the tree. I am

1:01

very, very juvenile

1:04

in that way. And so I saw that and I was just like, oh,

1:06

yeah, the tree looks a bit like a dick. So

1:08

we just went with that. I think it is going to be quite

1:11

small. How do you feel about that? Okay.

1:13

Well, I've been watching that program Alone

1:16

USA. Oh, yeah. On Channel 4.

1:18

I don't know if you've seen it. And they

1:20

all live, they're all within sort of 20 square

1:23

miles of each other on that. I'm amazed

1:25

they never meet each other. But that's because I think

1:28

they're too big. Have you seen the one where the bloke,

1:31

he kills a moose with

1:33

a bow and arrow and then he butchers

1:36

it completely and like guts

1:38

it and skins it with a Leatherman

1:41

knife. Wow. What? Just one pen

1:43

knife.

1:44

Wow. These people have insane

1:46

skills. Yeah, that's incredible.

1:49

I mean, what a great advert

1:51

for that knife. Yeah,

1:53

it really is, isn't it? One

1:56

knife. If you're the Leatherman people.

1:59

I'd be like, oh my gosh.

2:02

We didn't mean it to be that good. I'm putting that bloke

2:04

on the post. He's

2:06

getting money for endorsements for the rest of his life,

2:09

that bloke. Three Leathermen. Well,

2:12

actually, Three Leathermen for your whole life sounds like

2:14

a whole other show. Yeah, it does. It

2:16

sounds like a show. We've all got

2:18

Late Night Channel 4 all over it, that one. Yeah,

2:20

isn't it? Okay,

2:23

yeah, so quite a small island, quite an intense

2:25

island. How did you find putting together

2:27

your selection of people and things for the island?

2:29

Oh, I enjoyed

2:32

it very much, actually. I enjoyed it.

2:36

It's a great format, obviously. And

2:38

it's nice to think of people, because it's not necessarily

2:40

people you don't like. You're sure? No,

2:42

no, no, it's not necessarily people you don't like. It's

2:45

people you think, oh God, imagine

2:47

being stuck

2:49

with them. Oh, yeah, absolutely

2:52

murderous. You've been stuck with them the whole

2:54

time. I mean, the worst thing, obviously, is to be stuck with yourself.

2:57

And I think that's the overarching

2:59

thing that when I've listened to your

3:02

brilliant podcast, is that,

3:05

obviously, we're all dicks in our own heads. Oh,

3:07

all right. I think I'm fine

3:10

with hosting this, because I am the worst. Like

3:12

that is like, as long as I have that

3:14

caveat in my mind, I feel like it's okay.

3:17

And obviously, you could go for truly evil people,

3:19

like Hitler or David

3:22

Walliams. You could do that if you needed

3:24

to. But you don't need

3:26

to go too heavily into that. The

3:30

penny dropped, the penny dropped there. It was

3:32

so, it took me a moment, but that

3:35

was good. I think that leads us on

3:37

quite nicely. Charlie, who

3:39

is gonna be your first choice for the desert island? First

3:41

choice in my desert island is

3:44

Tim Peake, the astronaut.

3:47

Yeah, okay. Tim

3:50

Peake, yeah. He

3:53

seems like a nice guy, doesn't he? He seems like, he's

3:56

obviously achieved an awful lot. But,

3:58

God, how long do you think it takes? takes him to mention

4:00

he's been in space. Whenever

4:03

you see him. Whenever

4:07

you see him on anything. Immediately, isn't it? It's

4:11

like, there is a vegan and been

4:13

to Cambridge. He

4:18

cannot wait to tell you. So I just think

4:20

on the desert island, oh,

4:22

how long do you think you've, look,

4:25

planes crash, you've swum

4:27

with the two other people and the animal

4:29

and that to the desert island. You're working

4:31

at how big the desert island, and

4:34

then you've recovered, you can't believe, the adrenaline

4:36

is in you of recovering from

4:38

the plane crash and the escape and

4:41

finding shelter. And then all of

4:43

a sudden

4:44

you meet the other people.

4:45

How long do you think Tim Peek, before

4:48

he goes, well, they're like this in space. Yeah.

4:56

Oh, it's good. That is really good.

4:59

You know what I mean? I mean, I think you're

5:01

spot on. I mean, I imagine he's at

5:03

it all the time. Unbearable.

5:06

Christmas, imagine Christmas. What did

5:08

you do this year, John? Well,

5:10

this year I, my company had a,

5:13

quite a good turnover this year. We had managed to open

5:15

a new shop. All right. All right.

5:17

What did you do this year, Alex? Oh,

5:20

well, you know, yeah, my, the football

5:22

team I manage, they, we

5:25

won the league and, we had a great

5:27

year with that, with the kids, you know, and,

5:29

oh yeah. What did you do? I went to the

5:31

moon! Immediately. It

5:35

just bang. That

5:37

wasn't this year, Tim. That was five years ago,

5:39

six years ago. It doesn't count anymore. It

5:41

does count. It was just constantly, he'd

5:44

shoehorn it into every situation

5:46

as well. On the desert island, imagine it.

5:48

Imagine it. Oh, right. Tim,

5:50

can you go up that tree and get them coconuts

5:52

down? Looks a bit high. Not high for me. Not

5:55

high for me. I've been to space. Oh, shut up. I'm

6:00

not too... It would be,

6:02

it would be, that is brilliant. Immediately

6:05

unbearable. Just to be around. You

6:09

mentioned those occasions like Christmas, birthday

6:11

days where you're in a house all day

6:13

together, but imagine that

6:16

for the rest of your days potentially. I

6:19

saw him on something recently and he came on, he

6:21

was presenting an award, the NTAs

6:24

think it was, presenting an award, think

6:26

it was, and presenting a TV award.

6:29

Didn't need to mention space, we know why he's

6:31

there. Please welcome, ladies and gentlemen, please

6:34

welcome the astronaut Tim Peake. Duh duh

6:36

duh duh duh. Fly me to the moon.

6:40

I know everything that they bring him on to. There

6:42

he comes. And then anyway,

6:45

it's lovely to be here, like it was lovely to be in space,

6:48

or something he said like that. Oh wow. You've

6:51

had Fly Me To The Moon, you've

6:53

had Astronauts and Peake. You're

6:55

in your suit, take the suit off. Yeah, yeah,

6:57

yeah. He thinks that suit by now. Yeah,

7:00

it does. I'd like to imagine

7:02

he's just got ten of them though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's

7:04

had some amazing. His local dry cleaner's

7:07

got no idea what to do with it when he turns

7:09

up every time. It'd be great, it'd be also,

7:12

he'd have been furious about the plane crash, wouldn't he? Oh,

7:15

true. Do you know what he would

7:17

say though? He was just like, oh, you know when the plane dropped,

7:20

it's like being in zero gravity. You know what I mean? You

7:22

would get that from him, he'd be like, oh, you

7:24

guys got to feel like it was to be me, just

7:26

for a moment. Yeah, just for a bit though, you felt

7:28

you had the experience of what it's like to eat your

7:30

dinner while it floats away or whatever.

7:33

Yeah. Also,

7:35

I would say, being in space and

7:37

being on a desert island, sending for yourself, I would

7:39

say very few transferable skills. Yeah,

7:42

I agree. He's

7:44

not actually that useful on the desert island.

7:47

I think you're probably right. Because A, there's gravity. Yeah, he's

7:49

not used to that. But you are outside, so

7:51

there's no like, oh, I'm going to go outside, good luck. Good

7:54

luck. None

7:56

of that. You are outside. In on a...

7:59

And there's an island people can hear you scream.

8:02

So there's that. And

8:06

also he wouldn't be able to wear his suit. He'll be gutted.

8:08

He'd be far too hot and just be dragging around

8:10

behind himself. Yeah, just so

8:13

you could see it. Yeah. Get the lounge

8:15

and the suit. Mate, the suit. The

8:17

suit's gone. Sure he's really nice, but you

8:19

know. No, I've sure he's a nice person. But

8:21

I think, like we mentioned, I'm not

8:23

sure if it was at the beginning, before this

8:25

you mentioned, and it's about that.

8:28

It's about being on the island with this

8:30

person and how unbearable that

8:32

would be. And I think you've absolutely nailed the break

8:34

there. Yeah, there we are. So there we are. Tim Peake

8:36

is my first choice. Tim Peake is gonna be your first choice. Anything

8:39

else on Tim Peake before we put him on the island? I

8:43

don't know what else he's got as well. You know what I mean?

8:46

Once you get beyond space. Well,

8:50

what else is Tim Peake got? I talked

8:53

to a lot, right, in one of my jobs, I talk to a lot of footballers,

8:55

professional footballers, right? A

8:57

lot of them are very nice people, right? Really

8:59

nice people, really nice guys. If

9:02

you get off the subject of football,

9:07

it's not a lot to talk about. There's

9:11

not a lot they're offering up. It's

9:13

like goes football, then drops down

9:16

a bit to golf, and then beyond that is, oh,

9:18

drinking. And then, and

9:22

then that. So they're really nice, but you know, they're often.

9:25

So I think it'd be similar with Peake. You're just like,

9:27

you want anything. Yeah, something

9:30

else, Tim. Any other interaction? Something

9:32

else. Come on, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

9:35

okay, okay. Well, let's bring you some

9:37

new conversation. Who's gonna be your second choice to the

9:39

island? Second choice

9:41

for my island. I did have

9:43

a few people, like generic people, but

9:46

I'm not gonna put these on, but

9:49

people who. You can have some honorable mentions.

9:51

Honorable mentions are people who shout, getting the

9:53

hole at the golf. They're

9:57

annoying. People who shout. out

10:00

come on Tim at Andy Murray. They're

10:04

the biggest dick. Does that happen? Really

10:07

really terrible people. The worst

10:09

people know you now. And also

10:11

the people who when you're sitting on a train

10:14

and you've not booked a seat turn up and

10:16

say I booked that seat. Those

10:21

people. I don't mean... I know. That

10:24

is awkward. That is awkward. They're

10:26

the honorable mentions. Next up

10:29

is Peter Pan. Peter

10:31

Pan. Oh okay. I can't

10:33

stand the Peter Pan story. What

10:37

annoying... That isn't about Peter Pan that irks

10:40

you so. Oh

10:43

God. The way he is is so

10:45

annoying isn't it? Yeah. He's

10:49

just so annoying. The

10:51

whole story is annoying. Don't you find... And haven't

10:54

we had enough versions of it now? That's it now surely.

10:56

Well I think... Do you have a specific

10:59

version in mind that you think of Peter

11:01

Pan? Is it Robert Williams as Peter Pan? Yeah

11:03

that's bad and that's Pan isn't it? Is that called Hook

11:06

or is that called Pan? I think it's called Hook.

11:09

I'm probably thinking of the Disney version

11:12

as my main go to version. But

11:14

then every sort of middle class posh

11:17

theatre version ever.

11:20

Not the panto version. Although it's not a real

11:22

panto. It's not a real Christmas show. Oh okay.

11:25

Okay. Peter Pan, Snow

11:27

Queen, Jungle Book. No

11:29

one wants to see these at Christmas. I don't know why Peter has

11:31

put them on. Anyway. But Peter

11:33

Pan the character is so... Ah

11:37

God. Imagine him on the island.

11:39

There is a smugness about

11:41

Peter Pan. He's like a bit of a know

11:43

it all chap. A little chap of

11:45

a child. I'm not growing

11:47

up. Grow up mate.

11:51

Grow up mate. No

11:53

I can't. Don't expect me to stand on

11:56

the ground for very long. I'm

11:58

not growing up. Shut

12:00

up imagine him on the island right

12:03

can you get some firewood Peter can you get

12:05

can you get some firewood please? No,

12:07

that's a grown-up job Are

12:10

you bellend? You

12:14

can fly as well Bring

12:16

it over like that You

12:18

know King of the Lost Boys and all that

12:21

and it's like ah Just

12:23

I just don't like the guy. I just don't

12:25

like his vibe I I

12:28

would say I'd say I agree actually

12:30

yeah, the suit a little suit's annoying isn't

12:33

it a little suit and hat Little

12:35

tights that his hat yeah, yeah Elf

12:39

like booty that he wears. Was

12:42

he dressing like an elf for? It's all right not

12:44

growing up It's all right. Okay.

12:46

Don't grow up. That's fine That's

12:48

what if that's your that's what you want to be if that's

12:50

what you want to do. We'll have a stick of tracksuit on

12:53

or something Yes, actually

12:55

actually don't put a tracksuit and loads of gold on

12:57

and hang around with loads of kids because we've seen We've

13:02

seen how badly that goes

13:06

I'm just gonna live forever as a child

13:08

and hang out with lots of children. You know what I mean? All

13:12

right, so you're not actually an act you're actually

13:14

a child

13:16

No, I'm an adult say you are I'm a thousand

13:19

years old I I'm

13:24

fine with people being who they want to be unless

13:26

you're an adult who wants to be a child. Yeah

13:29

I'm not into that vibe. But also surely

13:32

As he gets older he's still medically

13:35

an adult. So like he'll get

13:37

prostate problems eventually Peter

13:42

Pan prostate, what a good vocal

13:45

warm-up is for us all before we do

13:47

the podcast Peter Pan

13:49

prostate problem problem Next

13:52

time you're doing a voiceover you use that as

13:54

your vocal. Yeah, very good. Yeah, so

13:56

he'd like after like, you know Have all the medical

13:58

checks. It's probably get his bad knee

14:00

surely is he medically an adult or

14:03

I don't really I'm not I'm not fully aware

14:05

of all the details on the story well

14:08

I don't know but when it's probably Williams he's just a man

14:10

I don't know he's just in

14:12

the man isn't he man is he so we've got gonna get bad

14:14

knees hips might go yeah you

14:18

know prostate issues heart heart

14:20

disease what he was he never see you never see him

14:22

eat really do you why is that

14:24

why he not eating no and then

14:26

that film the food is actually invisible

14:29

isn't it so like that maybe he's just never

14:31

actually on the desert island

14:35

I'm eating this what Peter you're not eating

14:37

anything fuck off you went from

14:39

starving to say full

14:41

roast dinner today there mine

14:44

in a rose potato pouring some

14:47

invisible gravy Oh Pete

14:50

Peter's lost it you'll be listening to Tim Peek tell him

14:53

out his misery yeah

14:55

I'd be more I'd be more interested hanging around with Tim Peek

14:59

Peter Pan's prob prostate problems

15:01

peaks peaks

15:03

interest and also

15:08

both of them claim that they could fly or have

15:10

actually maybe I'm flying

15:13

maybe maybe what it was was we've been in a plane

15:15

crash and I've got a problem with two people

15:17

who can you claim they can fly

15:19

better than anyone else PTSD

15:22

yeah from that moment okay

15:25

Peter Pan what do you think

15:27

yeah I think you're a big Peter

15:29

Pan fan I just think it's on too much

15:32

I think it's a cop-out for people I'd

15:34

say so yeah and I think that like I

15:36

think he would just be unbearable he's so smug

15:39

he's such a know-it-all yeah it's just like

15:41

also gonna take the he's gonna be like

15:43

I'm the leader and you'll be like you're a

15:47

little prick Jeremy I'm gonna be up

15:49

that little you'd be up that tree sitting in that

15:51

tree when he going well it's fine

15:53

up here I'm fine up here shut

15:56

up does you

15:58

have a little sword or something does you have a dagger.

16:00

He has a little sword, pathetic, pathetic,

16:03

grow up.

16:05

Well

16:05

as we found him alone you can do a lot

16:07

with a little sword though, do you know what I mean?

16:10

Yeah that's true. That's true. That is true.

16:14

That's true. He'd be looking

16:16

at peak, he'd be looking at peak. Also

16:18

if he can fly he could fly off and get

16:21

help. So why is he

16:23

staying on the desert island? That's true,

16:25

that is true. Do

16:28

something useful. You fly

16:30

to the nearest mainland and get us...

16:33

Wherever we are, fly to Barbados, I

16:35

don't know where we are, I don't know where the desert island is but they

16:37

seem to be in the Indian Ocean.

16:39

It would be, it would be, yeah I think it would

16:41

be. But it'd be lovely, yeah

16:43

get to Barbados. I mean he wouldn't, he just

16:45

wouldn't come back would he? Exactly, because

16:47

he's like hey I've got no responsibilities,

16:50

I don't need to grow up. Yeah

16:52

but we've sent you off to help us. Yeah

16:55

sorry, I'm just a kid. You're not

16:57

me. Well yeah also I've got two kids and

17:00

I've... You're shitting blood Peter, Peter you're

17:02

shitting blood. What's

17:06

the problem with your colon? You've got a problem with your colon.

17:08

It's all the invisible food, all the invisible

17:11

red meat you're eating. It's 74 Peter.

17:15

I've got two kids and I'd say

17:18

they have zero survival skills.

17:20

So like, yeah. That's

17:23

the worst thing with kids isn't it? I've got two kids

17:25

and when they're little they have no survival

17:27

skills and it's annoying. Yeah it is, you'd be...

17:29

That is annoying. You'd be babysitting

17:32

a know-it-all child that

17:34

has no skills whatsoever.

17:38

Terrible. Terrible. This is a

17:40

good choice right and so far I think, hell of

17:42

a challenge, I think between the three of you

17:44

so far, it's not looking very

17:46

bright for you guys. Do you know what I mean? When

17:49

you start with these two. Also you

17:51

talk about Peter Pan's skin in Tim Peake, like

17:53

he's been in space the whole time. He's got like a little

17:55

wizard body. There's no meat on Tim

17:57

Peake. Nothing. And he's used to eating dry meat.

18:00

up food. Just

18:02

food. You add water to like... Oh, that's

18:04

good loss. Okay, all

18:06

right, so you've got Tim Peake and Peter Pan, the first

18:08

two choices. Who's gonna be a third choice for the desert

18:11

island? The world number one

18:13

tennis player Novak Djokovic. Okay,

18:16

I wasn't expecting that. Novak... What?

18:18

Novak Djokovic. Okay, out of the three,

18:21

this interests me

18:24

the most. Okay, why Novak Djokovic?

18:26

Yeah. Do you know who he is? Do you like? Do you

18:28

know his work, James? Yeah, yeah. I haven't thought

18:31

about him enough to form an opinion on

18:33

how I feel about him, but I'd like you to inform

18:35

me, please. I think he's an absolutely

18:40

terrible, terrible sports person. Okay.

18:43

I think he's the worst sports person. I

18:46

think he's such a terrible

18:48

winner and a worst loser.

18:51

But when he's losing, when he's losing,

18:53

he'll have like really long toilet breaks.

18:56

Oh, right. Okay. He'll have like

18:58

something, oh, I've got something in my eye. I'm coming

19:00

in my eye. You know, oh,

19:02

my legs really, you know, immediately start

19:05

limping around the court. You know,

19:07

I have to get the trainer on, you know,

19:09

whatever's in that bottle.

19:11

I won't, I won't libel your, your

19:14

podcast, but whatever, whatever's in

19:16

that bottle that suddenly appears out, out

19:19

of the, out of the crowd

19:21

from his coaches, who knows what that is.

19:24

Just the way, the way he wins, the way he can't

19:26

believe no one likes, he can't believe people

19:28

boo him despite him being world number one.

19:30

The fact that he went from like world

19:33

number 18 to being

19:35

world number two, three or

19:38

one, spending out good Federer

19:40

on the dial, just

19:42

to, the, the, the, the

19:44

sort of, his behavior during

19:47

the pandemic was pretty grim. What

19:49

was he, what, what remind me, what did he do? I think he was

19:51

against, I think he was against women not

19:54

getting equal money, uh, in,

19:56

in tennis. Just loads

19:58

of little things that. make the character

20:01

of the man just really, I

20:03

know he wants to win, but the

20:05

whole vibe of him, I can't

20:07

be. I think you can be someone

20:10

that win, a winner and

20:12

someone that wants to win, but you could do it with some

20:14

grace, do you know what I mean? It doesn't need to be that

20:16

way. Have some grace. Yeah, it doesn't need to be that way. What I like

20:18

is that he has no grace and

20:21

he'll do all these things that

20:24

feel like cheating. They feel like cheating,

20:26

that's what it, feels like bad sports, but

20:28

they're not understand why people don't love

20:30

him. Why does no one love me? Why?

20:34

Well, mate, you've just been a dick for three and a half hours.

20:37

Yeah. An utter dick. You're

20:39

obviously amazing at tennis. You're

20:41

obviously amazing at tennis. And not taking

20:43

that away from him, he is absolutely sensational

20:46

at tennis. And there is nothing you can

20:49

take to make yourself better at tennis.

20:53

But I would say that's often

20:55

not enough just to have one redeeming feature.

20:59

It's like, well, I agree. Well, the tennis

21:01

is gonna be, I mean, to be honest, I don't know if

21:03

he's got a racket on the desert island. I don't

21:05

know if he's got a racket. I'll let you have one, definitely.

21:08

You can have two. He's got one, there's

21:11

two rackets. Okay, so is he gonna

21:13

wanna play tennis? You can't play tennis on

21:15

sand. It'd

21:17

be volleys only. Volleys

21:20

only, I had Novak Djokovic,

21:22

I can't even say his name. Novak

21:25

Djokovic, volleys only. Yeah, volleys

21:28

only, but also- He could be playing

21:30

doubles with Peter Pan and Tim Peake.

21:32

But so extremely competitively.

21:36

Yeah, oh yeah. You just

21:38

got like one source of entertainment. He

21:40

probably worked, he probably worked. Yeah.

21:44

It's just like, yeah. That was out, it

21:46

really wasn't out. Look, there's a mark in the sand,

21:48

Novak. And he just- The court,

21:51

we marked out. He pretends to fall

21:54

over and just moves all the lines. Do you know what

21:56

I mean? Yeah, oh, I've fallen in the sea, that

21:58

doesn't count. That doesn't count. I

22:01

see you went and ran in the sea. I'm just

22:03

thinking about other sports people, similar

22:06

that I do know more about. But

22:08

I love the darts, right? I watch darts all the time, but

22:10

I play a lot of darts. And there

22:12

are a few darts players that are absolute

22:15

shit houses. And I don't mind them. Peter

22:17

Snake, Peter Snake by right. Snake by right. Is

22:20

he a shit house? No, he's not a shit house. Who's the wealth

22:22

one? Garen Price is a shit house. Yeah, Garen Price,

22:24

you see, there we are. I love Garen Price, but

22:26

for example, if it's not going his way, he'll

22:29

go over to the little table and he'll start

22:31

taking the flights off the darts and he's like, oh,

22:33

I need to replace these now. And you're allowed to do

22:35

that. You are allowed to do these things. Like Novak

22:37

Chokovich, he's allowed to go to the toilet,

22:40

but it's just how long you take- Yeah, but he's not allowed to

22:42

go to the toilet as long as he goes to the toilet.

22:45

Well, it's always when he goes like two, one down or

22:47

something, oh, I suddenly need a massive bit. Oh,

22:50

shut up Novak. That's what it's about.

22:52

It's about messing up the rhythm of other people. I

22:55

get what he's doing. I guess what

22:57

they're doing. Some would say that when I play anything,

22:59

I am very similar. Oh!

23:03

I try and get in someone's head when I'm playing

23:05

anything, you know. So that's all he's trying to

23:07

do. Okay, here's the reveal. Here's

23:09

the reveal. Is it that you actually see a lot

23:12

of yourself? You and Novak are like-

23:14

In Peter Pan, Novak and Tim

23:16

Peake. Is it that

23:18

you're actually gonna clash with these people? You want people

23:20

to act- Yeah. Yes, okay. Okay.

23:24

That's what it is. That's what it

23:26

is. Look, you'll see

23:28

him from now on. From now on, you'll

23:30

notice his behaviour and you go, oh,

23:32

yeah. Okay, so Novak- I

23:36

can't even say his fucking name. It's fine. You'd

23:39

be doing that on your island with him. She wouldn't know his name. I

23:41

know he would hate it, wouldn't he? He would absolutely

23:43

hate it. You

23:46

can have me just for that reason to wind

23:48

him up on a daily basis. I'm

23:51

just gonna say Novak. Anything else about Novak before

23:53

we put him on the island with you? That's it,

23:55

no, that's all I've got on him, really. I don't know his private

23:57

life or anything like that. So thank you very much,

23:59

Charlie. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane,

24:01

there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately

24:04

for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in

24:06

the world. What are they and why are

24:08

they so bad? So

24:10

food, soup. Soup.

24:13

Yes, soup is a good choice, right. Yeah,

24:15

yeah. When you go, when you go,

24:18

no, it's quite a smug, isn't it, soup? Right,

24:20

go on. Very smug. Very smug.

24:23

Very smug lunch, isn't it? Just some soup.

24:26

Just some soup for me. Come

24:28

over, have some soup. Let's

24:30

go to the pub and have some soup.

24:34

It's like, ah. I've never had

24:36

a soup in a pub, I'll tell you that for sure. Some

24:39

people, and it's like, oh,

24:41

just have some soup, shall we? Why? No.

24:44

No.

24:45

The only good soup is Heinz tomato

24:47

soup. That's the only one. It's the only one you need. That

24:49

is the only good soup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

24:51

think you're right. I think you're right. When people

24:53

do a homemade soup and it's like, ah.

24:56

No, no, no. I don't want this. It's

24:59

something that you don't, I've never done it, but

25:02

it seems like something you'd only do by accident. Do you know

25:04

what I mean? If you balled your meal up and the only way to revive

25:07

it is just blend all that shit together and then you've

25:10

got soup. Exactly. Maybe

25:13

soup in a flask on a cold

25:15

day. Okay, maybe. If you've been working

25:18

outside or been

25:20

on a long walk on the moors, something

25:22

like that. Maybe then soup

25:25

is all right. But as

25:27

a standalone lunch or dinner,

25:29

no. You're

25:32

having a joke, mate. No, no, no, no. I

25:34

would never do it. I only

25:36

started to encounter this when I got into

25:38

my 20s and I started

25:40

working in offices. And

25:43

at lunchtime, I'd see people and they'd be microwaving their

25:45

soup. And I was like, I can't

25:48

get on board with the idea

25:50

that that is enough. I don't think that

25:52

that's enough. And people would say, oh, you know,

25:54

it fills you up the most. That is a lie.

25:57

That is not true. It's a smug,

25:59

smug soup. would actually be a really good brand. Maybe

26:01

I should start with. What? Do

26:03

you know what? Smug. Smug Soup

26:06

is a great brand name for some soup. It actually is,

26:08

they like, own it. Do

26:11

you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. Own

26:14

it. It's a smug little soup, you know. Oh, it's Sun

26:16

Blushed Tomato Soup. It's tomato

26:18

soup. It's Chicken and Taragon. It's behind

26:20

soup. It's Chicken and Taragon. Mmm.

26:23

Smug Soup. Yeah. Smug

26:26

Soup. And

26:29

it's like, and it immediately makes your lunch,

26:31

you look like a big fussy fat woman, whatever

26:34

you want to do. It

26:36

does. It's because you've got KFC, that's right. You've

26:39

got your lunch, personally not like a sandwich

26:41

and some breakfast and a napkin, you

26:43

know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Classic pack

26:45

lunch. Yeah, yeah. New and Mere, or just

26:47

soup for me. I'll just cut the sealer. Oh, shut the, yeah,

26:50

yeah. Yeah, yeah. Shut the sealer. It

26:53

is always Sheila from accounts as well. She's

26:55

got the soup, 100%. She's

26:58

warming her soup up. I'm with you. Also,

27:01

right, let's think practically here. You

27:03

open the cargo hold of that plane and

27:07

you're on the desert island, all you've got is just hot soup.

27:10

You know what I mean? It's like 35 degrees out there.

27:12

And also, you've got to make

27:15

it so you've got to get it around

27:18

all four of you, although Peter Pan's

27:20

got his invisible food, so actually that's a pretty good

27:22

choice because that'd be just three. True. He

27:24

would take most of the soup, bury it somewhere. So

27:26

he knew he had it. Oh, Snaky, yeah. Got

27:29

it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tim Peake said,

27:32

is this food, is it dried? Is

27:34

it freeze dried? I can't eat it then. It

27:37

would be mostly aligned with Tim Peake

27:39

though because he's like eating baby food in space

27:41

basically, isn't he? That's true. He'd probably

27:43

get a straw and just go to town on the soup.

27:46

He'd love it. He'd close his eyes and just, yeah.

27:50

But the portion control of soup, because

27:54

it's never enough soup, is

27:56

it? No matter how much soup you're

27:58

having for your lunch or your dinner. It's

28:00

not enough soup. That's it's true.

28:03

It's true. I honestly

28:05

constantly eating a starter. Yeah

28:10

Just always just like never quite getting

28:12

there like when when yes when it's

28:14

never coming that main is never coming Exactly.

28:17

If anyone that I know is listening if

28:20

I come to your house and you're serving soup for dinner

28:22

I am questioning our friendship

28:24

from that point on I think wow amazing

28:30

Why why yeah, just

28:32

make you a nice soup. Oh Anyway,

28:35

okay, we are okay, right

28:37

and who's gonna write who what's gonna be your drink choice?

28:41

It's I love a cup of tea. Oh, yeah

28:43

me too. I absolutely love a cup of tea, but it's tea

28:46

with sugar Yes.

28:49

Yes. It's the drink. Yes. Yes

28:51

who is enjoying that? I tell he's

28:53

enjoying that Peter Pan grow up. Oh Yeah,

28:56

yeah It's

28:58

the deal with sugar. What what is it that makes

29:00

it so awful? I like sugary.

29:03

I like sweets. Mmm It's we don't like pudding.

29:05

Yep. What is it about tea with sugar? Yes,

29:08

the worst possible drink It's it's

29:10

gross like so full

29:12

discus my sister's wedding on Saturday and yesterday.

29:14

I woke up and Like

29:17

in a house with my family and stuff. Yeah,

29:20

I was really hungover really really hungover

29:22

Do you know this video? Yeah, I'm kind of in it now, but

29:25

they We

29:27

were having some breakfast and my brother made me a tea

29:29

and he said do you want a sugar in it? And I thought do

29:31

you know what? I'm really hungover I think I do

29:33

need sugar and so I never have sugar my tea. I was

29:35

like go on do it He brought me this thing over.

29:38

Oh my lord. It is disgusting.

29:41

It's a whole different drink. It's awful

29:44

So when I'm doing

29:46

the radio show, yeah, you know You're

29:48

sitting there is three hours long. Oh,

29:50

yeah Sometimes you can pop

29:53

out make up a tea, but sometimes You'll

29:55

ask for a cup of tea. Sure. Someone will

29:58

and they'll normally send a

30:01

runner or a work experience or someone,

30:03

you know, it's the classic. Very normal practice. Coming to make

30:05

the tea. Yeah. Very normal practice. But

30:08

you cannot help but

30:11

look like a massive diva. If

30:14

someone brings you tea and it's got sugar in it, my

30:17

immediate reaction is, oh God,

30:20

got sugar in it. I

30:24

said, you can't help, I can see why

30:26

people get reputation. Yeah, but where you going wrong,

30:28

Charlie, you don't need to chuck it in their face as they

30:30

walk up. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Scalding

30:33

hot tea and sugar in their face. Make

30:36

it again! Whimpering

30:39

boy, go! Yeah,

30:41

yeah. Yeah, but tea with sugar

30:44

is the worst drink, those man. It is. I

30:46

don't think I'd drink it. It's also something

30:48

that you wish, something

30:51

that like, if you're on the island and you're like, oh, I'd love

30:54

a cup of tea. Oh, I'd love a cup of tea.

30:56

And then you go back to it and you try it, just to

30:58

see if it's any better than the last

31:01

time. And it's just the same. It's

31:03

what, tea with sugar is worse than no cup

31:05

of tea. Definitely,

31:06

definitely.

31:08

I'd rather just have hot tea. Think how good

31:10

a cup of tea can be, like the ultimate. A

31:13

cup of tea can be the absolute ultimate

31:15

drink. It is, like, and

31:18

to be able to instantly make it the worst

31:20

possible drink then to the man. Yes, and

31:22

something I'll never understand. So my dad

31:25

still has sugar in his tea, right? And I think it

31:27

is a generational thing. I do think it is a

31:29

generational thing. And to

31:31

be fair to my dad, he's got a

31:33

proper job where

31:36

it's like, my dad's an AA man.

31:38

So he's out there on the side of the road all

31:41

the time. And he's on the side of

31:43

the A1 and he's like, yeah,

31:46

maybe a fluff could be. I

31:48

know he's bringing a pack lunch out with him and he

31:50

have sugar in his tea. And to be fair to him, he's

31:53

grafting hard. He's under a car

31:55

on the side of the A1. I'm not

31:57

judging anyone who likes sugar in their tea.

31:59

Of course, of course. but I will pull him up on something

32:02

because I know he does listen. When you

32:04

are having a dessert, like

32:07

maybe in a piece of pie

32:09

or like some kind of cake

32:12

with cream on, I

32:15

think you probably don't still

32:17

need sugar in your tea alongside

32:19

that dessert. Dad, if you're

32:21

listening, I would say, wow, do

32:24

you need that? Diabetes check here. That's

32:26

Peter Pan, innit? Diabetes, Peter

32:28

Pan. How much diabetes? He's got the colon

32:30

issue. He's got his prostate problem. He's

32:33

got diabetes. Yes. Can't

32:36

live like a child, Peter. The

32:39

thing is, now when I see posters for

32:41

Peter Pan, I'm not gonna be able to not

32:43

think of his colon. What

32:46

have you done? Well, that's

32:48

what I've bought to this podcast. I know. If

32:52

you were giving it a title, I'd call it Peter Pan's

32:54

colon. That's what I'd call it. It's gonna be the first

32:56

few words in the description. Charlie

33:01

Baker joined us to talk

33:03

through Peter Pan's colon. Through Peter

33:05

Pan's colon is the name of the episode.

33:09

Okay, right, yes, sugar

33:11

in the tea. I do think it's a crime. It's

33:14

a crime against tea. It's a crime, yeah.

33:16

Absolutely. We don't need to dwell

33:18

on this, but I think between soup and tea, though,

33:20

sugary tea, I mean, you're managing

33:22

to sustain yourself for quite a long time, probably.

33:25

Probably. Actually, you'd be all right

33:27

on both those things. If you had an unlimited

33:29

supply of both those things, you are getting,

33:32

there's no fat in any of it. There's

33:35

no where you're gonna get your fat from. Some people like

33:37

choose Sambuca

33:39

and something, and

33:41

you're not gonna live for that long. No,

33:44

not that. The combination of Sambuca and offal. It

33:46

would be quite, you know. But, you know, yeah. But

33:49

tea and soup. Okay, thank

33:51

you very much. And now, fortunately,

33:54

you won't be about entertainment on the island. The

33:57

plane's entertainment system continues to work. Just

34:00

your luck, it only has two working settings, one

34:02

is your least favourite film of all time and the

34:04

other is your least favourite song. What are

34:06

they and why? La

34:09

La Land. Oh, wow,

34:11

yes, okay, okay. Immediately

34:13

can get on board with this, yeah. La La Land.

34:16

Now I am a huge musicals

34:19

fan. I love musicals

34:22

and I love musical films. I'm a huge

34:24

fan of the musical films of the 40s and 50s

34:28

and early 60s, all the MGM and

34:31

all those things that are on the town

34:33

and Hello Dolly and Oliver

34:36

from the 60s and all

34:38

those brilliant films. Singing

34:41

in the Rain is in my top three films of all

34:43

time. La La Land

34:46

is sort of, I

34:47

think,

34:49

trying to be one of those, I

34:52

think, or a pastiche. I don't know, this

34:54

is what I can't work out. I couldn't work out if

34:56

it was a pastiche of it or

34:59

trying to be one of those,

35:01

but

35:02

they can't do the things properly.

35:05

They can't do the singing properly. Then

35:07

if you watch the lead, when

35:10

you watch Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers or Gene

35:12

Kelly or Debbie Reynolds,

35:16

all these people, they've employed people

35:18

who can sing and dance and

35:21

act, not just act and

35:23

pretend to sing and dance. So

35:26

they're not faking it. And in La

35:28

La Land, they are absolutely

35:31

faking it. And

35:34

you can tell by the way they shoot, they'll shoot someone, it's

35:37

quite technical, they'll shoot someone from the waist

35:39

up almost and

35:42

then show you their feet. And you think, I don't

35:44

think that's their feet sometimes. Oh,

35:46

wow. Okay. I think. And

35:49

then the dancing, they'll just

35:51

surround, what you do

35:53

if you watch a panto or something and it's

35:55

got someone in it who's

35:58

famous but can't really do much. They'll

36:00

surround them with dancers during a big dance number.

36:03

And all the dancers will do all the dancing. And

36:05

then, you know... So you're hoodwinked into

36:07

thinking that they actually did something, but

36:09

they actually didn't. Yeah, Chico will stand in the middle

36:11

and side-side, you know. So it was Chico. So,

36:16

and I think that film is like that, but I don't think it's

36:18

honest about being that. I think it pretends

36:20

they're great dancers, and they are not great

36:22

dancers. They are not great singers. And

36:25

so for that, it makes me... I was so

36:27

cross when I saw it. Everyone went, oh, you're going

36:29

to love this. You're going to love like, you

36:32

love jazz, you love musicals.

36:35

And it made me so cross

36:38

this film. Because it's so...

36:40

It's so like, they're so faking

36:42

it. And what the whole point

36:45

of that sort of musical in the 40s, 50s and 60s was, it's

36:48

people who were amazing at it from

36:50

Broadway or from the West End or from

36:52

whatever. As

36:55

the actual skill. So they

36:57

went route one, whereas they're trying

36:59

to reverse engineer it in La La

37:01

Land, right? They're trying to make it... Yeah. Okay,

37:03

okay. Yeah, there we are. Think

37:05

back to when it came out and people

37:07

were telling you you were going to enjoy it. Did

37:11

that... Do you think because there was the anticipation,

37:13

it made it more of a crushing disappointment?

37:16

Oh, I 100% don't watch anything

37:18

anyone tells me to watch. Okay, okay.

37:21

What normally or since then?

37:23

I mean, I

37:25

love, always, always, I

37:28

would love the Sopranos. I absolutely know I

37:30

would love the Sopranos. The Sopranos is like one of the greatest

37:32

TV shows of all time. Yeah, yeah. Right up my street,

37:34

that sort of whole mafia thing is 100% my, one

37:38

of the things I love, love that vibe,

37:40

love the good fellas, love Godfather,

37:43

all those. Yeah. You know, once upon a time in

37:45

America, all those...

37:47

Have I ever watched an episode of the Sopranos?

37:50

Not one. And I don't know if it's

37:52

because everyone's gone, you should watch the Sopranos.

37:54

Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. It's

37:56

like you almost want to prove them wrong by not watching

37:59

it. Yeah. I've never seen it. And

38:01

I'm like, the only

38:03

person who's missing out is me. Yeah, I know.

38:07

No one's actually bothered if I've seen it

38:09

or not. I would say with these things though, is

38:11

like when I look at a series like The Sopranos, not

38:14

to go on too heavy a tangent, is when

38:16

there's an intimidatingly large amount of

38:18

episodes, I just think, I know I'm signing

38:20

up for, like in

38:22

TV time, like seven days

38:24

of my life to actually complete what

38:27

the volume of stuff is there. Yeah, and

38:29

so I'm worried. A

38:32

lot of people tell me to watch it as well. People are shocked

38:35

as I imagine they are with you when you tell

38:37

them that you haven't watched it.

38:39

I've not seen it. But then you want to turn around

38:41

to them and say, this is the very reason I haven't watched

38:43

it.

38:44

So there we are, but La La Land was

38:46

proof in the pudding.

38:49

So there we are. La La Land is my film. Do

38:52

you know what? I'm quite a simple creature

38:55

I think. And also I don't have that affinity.

38:57

When I left the cinema, I

39:00

think I watched it at the cinema, I left the cinema, I'm

39:02

thinking, oh, that was good. And then I

39:04

turned to my wife who also loved musicals

39:07

and she was just like, that was crap.

39:10

And she just hated it. She

39:13

hated it. Yeah, she did. I

39:15

think if you're a purist, if you know your stuff, but

39:17

me not knowing my stuff so well, I'm like,

39:19

oh, that was fun. Like

39:22

someone that hasn't seen it. Maybe exactly.

39:24

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And

39:28

that is actually nothing to do with Tim Peek. I hadn't put the two together if

39:30

I'm honest, but here we are. I

39:32

think the worst song

39:34

of all time is, I

39:37

don't know if it's popular or not, but it appears on

39:40

many, many Christmas albums. And

39:43

I think it is, I cannot

39:45

explain its popularity

39:48

is A Spaceman Came Traveling

39:50

by Christopher. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah,

39:54

yeah, yeah, yeah. The deadly

39:57

depressing Christmas song

39:59

that...

39:59

makes also sort of makes

40:02

zero sense yes as well

40:05

it's not festive it's not festive

40:07

it's not sort of

40:09

very Christmassy you can't dance

40:11

to it it's not romantic and it

40:14

doesn't make you feel good

40:15

and yet there it is on every single greatest Christmas

40:18

hits of all time who

40:20

bought it

40:21

who bought it when it came out to make it popular

40:24

it's such an odd

40:27

song like I've

40:29

completely forgotten about this song but I know

40:32

it I've heard it it's like

40:34

it makes no sense I'm looking

40:36

at the lyrics now I'm like what on earth

40:38

what year was it out because it was out in a year

40:41

when to get into the charts it would have had to have sold

40:43

probably

40:44

fifty thousand a hundred thousand like

40:46

physical 45 what

40:49

year was it out is a good question

40:51

well 80s like quite telling me it doesn't

40:53

have its own Wikipedia page that oh no it does

40:55

it does it does bear with me okay it's 1975 okay

41:00

so in 1975 how many copies

41:03

is it sold does it say just

41:06

the blare of the pop star is an odd thing isn't

41:09

quite an odd thing how very

41:11

slow readers it's alright

41:14

it reached the top position of the Irish singles

41:16

charts staying 15 weeks

41:18

in the Irish charts it

41:23

is like it is

41:26

absolutely beyond me the popularity of

41:28

it if anything it

41:30

makes me wish Christmas was over yeah

41:34

it's only November and

41:40

it's about it's about aliens visiting the nativity

41:42

I think yeah yeah I think that's

41:44

what it is yeah yeah it

41:47

just I feel like what

41:49

is he making out that like aliens

41:52

were there or aliens were one of the characters

41:54

like the idea of this song I

41:56

think he's thinking that what was the bright

41:59

light what was the best bright light at the nativity

42:01

scene. Ah, okay, okay, yeah.

42:04

But what is the song for?

42:08

I don't know what it's for. No one wants it.

42:11

A spaceman came travelling on his ship from

42:13

afar. Twas light years of time

42:15

since his mission did start. And over a

42:17

village he halted his craft

42:20

and it hung in the sky like a star. Just

42:23

like a star. He followed the light and came

42:25

down to a shed where a mother

42:27

and a child were laying on the bed. He's

42:30

just making out like an alien was there.

42:33

It is, you know. And then it goes...

42:37

So then what I think is, what I think is

42:39

that everyone likes singing

42:41

along with the chorus.

42:45

That's the most, yeah. You put in a big... It's

42:48

like people love counting in it. They love

42:50

people singing la la la. They love counting in

42:52

a song. They know the words

42:54

for that. Everyone can

42:56

get on board with that bit, you know. One, two,

42:59

three, four, come on baby, say

43:01

you love me. Five, six, seven, eight

43:03

times. Even if you don't know the rest of

43:05

the song, you can sing along with that bit. Yeah, yeah,

43:07

yeah, yeah. And so the la la la

43:10

la la la la la la. That he does,

43:12

isn't it? He's

43:13

probably quite good for

43:16

singing along with when you're drunk on eggnog. Yes.

43:19

He just slammed in it like peace

43:21

and goodwill to all men and love

43:23

for a child. And like, what

43:27

does that have to do with the alien? It's

43:29

depressing. It's depressing,

43:31

but Peake would love it when he's Tim Peake. Oh, he'd love

43:33

it. Oh, yes. So

43:36

actually, I hadn't put those two together, but... He'll

43:40

claim to know what it's about. Do you

43:42

know what I mean? He was like, oh, you just don't understand it because you've not

43:44

been to space. You've not

43:46

been to... Actually, did I tell you I've been to space?

43:49

Yes! Straight back

43:51

in there. First day

43:53

you said that, Tim.

43:55

We've been here six weeks.

43:57

Peter Pan, have you got that little knife? Just

44:01

making the soup. I'm not adding no

44:03

more. Okay, yeah. Making

44:06

that soup again. Also, Hot on a Desert Island

44:08

in the middle of the Baking Sun.

44:11

The last thing you need is to be reminded

44:13

of Christmas. A miserable

44:15

Christmas song, Reminding of Your Family at Home.

44:19

No, thank you. No, no, no, no. Terrible.

44:22

No, no, okay. Excellent song choice, I must say.

44:25

Thank you. And the first time it shows,

44:27

I think there's quite a few firsts on this. Very impressive.

44:30

And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick

44:32

of all the animals. Which animal is it and why?

44:34

It's the swan, isn't it? It's obviously the swan.

44:37

The swan, yes, okay. Okay.

44:40

The swan is a terrible bellend, isn't it? Yes.

44:43

The swan. Yeah. They're

44:45

terrible, terrible animals. Just a sexy goose.

44:48

Yeah. But it's like,

44:50

what is it for? The swan that

44:52

can break your arm, obviously you've got that. You've

44:54

got the added angle of, you know, they'll break your arm.

44:57

Oh yeah. I think they're tech children. Yeah,

44:59

I think they're like... They are snobby. Yeah, they

45:01

are. They are snobby. And they're

45:04

all up top, aren't they? Tiny little legs. Mmm.

45:07

Massive arse, very long neck. They're

45:10

like Elton John. They're like Elton John.

45:16

They're the Elton John of animals, aren't they?

45:22

Oh, that's good. And, even

45:24

worse, none of us can eat them. Because we're not

45:26

the queen or the king. Well, I

45:29

was going to say, so like, I remember growing

45:31

up, everyone's saying, oh, you can't touch a

45:33

swan. Swans are protected. They're... a queen owns them all.

45:36

Does that immediately go on

45:38

to the king then? King immediately owns

45:40

them all? Yeah, king immediately. I bet he had

45:42

a couple, didn't he? First couple of days in there. Oh yeah,

45:44

yeah, maybe. First couple of days in the throne. Right, let's

45:46

see what all the fuss is about. Been waiting

45:48

years for this moment. Get me my swan. Oh,

45:51

lovely. What's for dinner? Swan,

45:53

again? Yep. Get

45:55

the period out. Give me that. Get the

45:57

auger on. It's time. Get the auger on.

45:59

It's time for swans! Get

46:04

the period out. There's a thing called

46:06

Swan Upping which is when they go round I

46:10

live near the Thames and

46:13

once you go Swan Upping which when they count

46:15

the swans

46:17

They count the swans that belong to the to the king

46:19

basically the swan counting

46:22

People

46:24

have too much time

46:28

On their hands than they

46:29

they really do it's called Swan Upping which

46:31

is like really it

46:33

feels like It feels

46:36

like if you went Swan Upping and someone

46:38

caught you going Swan Upping The

46:40

sort of excuse you've made is

46:42

oh, yeah, we're just counting them. We're just counting them So

46:46

you can move your trousers off. We're

46:49

just counting them Swan

46:54

Upping sounds like when you're with a mate and you start When

46:57

you say I saw a swan on the way here and he said

46:59

well I saw two Good

47:11

swans you just wouldn't want one it'd be a constant

47:14

threat when it would be on the desert

47:16

island It would be you wouldn't be allowed to eat

47:18

it. Yes, it would be you

47:20

know, there's coffee and fear getting attacked Yeah,

47:24

yeah I hate

47:28

it. I once what I did a radio When

47:31

I was to work on local radio once we there was

47:33

a swan hospital near us where and

47:36

you'd go and you'd visit all the ill ill

47:38

swan It

47:43

was and it would have a ever and

47:45

you'd have all these swans without really droopy necks

47:48

Like first thing to go is the neck on a swan,

47:51

you know But it stank

47:53

this place absolutely stank. Oh, you know these

47:56

you had all these droopy swans with

47:59

and I was absolutely stinking. This

48:02

is a charity trying to make them better. And

48:04

I was like, swans don't need a charity. No,

48:06

they don't. No, that

48:09

is bonkers. So would you go and we'd be

48:11

like a mic and just record some? A

48:13

mic, yeah, we're now, we're here now. And I'd

48:15

be like, ooh, I'm a bit jumpy. I'm

48:17

an animal, so it's a bit, like

48:19

jumping every two seconds. Not

48:23

sure if it's worth it. I'm not sure if it's worth it anymore. That's

48:26

great. Okay. So there we are. Oh, a

48:28

swan is a terrible. Excellent animal

48:30

choice, yeah. What a stressful animal

48:32

to have on the island. Stressful, imagine keeping

48:34

one of the pet or just having to have one. Oh

48:37

my God, yeah, just one in your house. It's

48:39

just like you can't ever go to the room when it's there. It

48:41

just dominates all areas. Yeah,

48:44

I don't like it. Okay. I

48:47

feel like you've created a very hellish

48:49

island for yourself. Yeah. Well, that

48:51

was the point, wasn't it? Yeah, you're spot on. I think that's the

48:53

point. You've nailed the brief. Thank you so much.

48:55

Charlie, I feel like we

48:57

had a brief chat before. You're

49:00

a busy man. You're doing a lot of things.

49:04

Yeah, I do a lot of things. What have you got coming

49:06

up that we should tell the people about? I'm

49:09

on tour. I'm on tour. Been

49:11

on tour since the spring. I have

49:13

a radio show three times a week on TalkSport,

49:15

Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturday mornings. So

49:18

I have to build up a tour around that a lot of the

49:20

time. Okay. Which takes a lot of days

49:22

out. But it's sporadic dates, but

49:24

I've absolutely loved

49:27

it. I've written a stand-up comedy show called 24 Hour

49:29

Pasty People. And

49:32

it's two hours of me, eight

49:34

till 10 o'clock at night. And

49:37

it's jokes every 20 seconds, laughs

49:39

every 20 seconds.

49:41

And we've been having an

49:43

absolutely brilliant time of it. I've

49:45

got about four or five gigs left

49:47

coming up.

49:48

Big one, really nice one is December

49:50

the 6th at the Comedy Store in

49:53

London. And there are tickets

49:55

available, James. There are tickets available. Brilliant,

49:57

brilliant. But yeah, Comedy Store London, December the 6th. sick

50:00

it'd be really great to see people there. Charlie

50:02

this has been fantastic and it's been lovely to

50:04

meet you thank you so much for coming on.

50:06

Thank you for having me James I appreciate it.