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1:06

I'm Manhattan going on my side

1:08

to central.

1:10

I'm now streaming on Showtime.

1:12

I have

1:13

a ten fifty four multiple DOAs in the

1:15

east side, so tunnels. Notify the medical

1:17

examiner and crime scene. It almost

1:19

looks like a large animal attack.

1:22

Who's there? Police Hands

1:25

on your head.

1:25

A new original series. Stand

1:28

down. Stop. Let

1:31

the right one in. New

1:33

episodes streaming now, only

1:35

on Showtime.

1:43

Either way, we wanna be there.

1:47

Doesn't matter how much baggage

1:49

you look like. Give us time

1:51

and date. terminal and

1:54

get it. We wanna

1:56

send you off inside. We

2:00

wanna welcome you back home.

2:02

Tell

2:04

us all about it. Were you scared

2:06

or was it fine?

2:09

Now for him.

2:25

Do you need to ride? Do

2:28

you need to ride? Do

2:30

your need to ride. Do your

2:32

need to ride. Do your

2:34

need to ride. Do your

2:36

need to ride. do

2:39

you.

2:41

With

2:47

Karen and Chris,

2:50

Welcome to do you need a ride. This is

2:52

Chris Fairbanks. And this is Karen

2:54

Kilgariff. Hello, my friend Karen.

2:56

Hi, Chris. I

2:58

did what should

3:00

do to get in a good mood, to get ready to podcast.

3:03

I I watched the

3:05

news, and it just put

3:07

a spring in my step. What are

3:09

you doing? I'm just so glad

3:11

I'm so glad I don't have a job where

3:13

I Like, you have to

3:16

stay abreast of current events and

3:18

then write jokes for Jimmy

3:21

fallen or something. What do we do for the

3:23

the Putin dunking booth? We have

3:25

to have jokes like I don't. Yes.

3:29

No. That's what I don't have. because it really

3:31

bummed me out. And then so

3:33

then I watched stand up. But there's

3:36

two specials that are amazing

3:38

right now. One of them is really convenient

3:41

because it's by our guests today. The

3:43

first one though, Chang Wang has

3:45

a great special that I -- It's

3:47

okay. -- I've I've watched it twice

3:49

now just because it is light

3:52

and like,

3:54

well written observant like, observatory

3:58

You know, he wrote it up in Griffiths

3:59

Park.

4:00

It's light and easy.

4:02

Is it like a croissant of comedy? Like,

4:04

it's real airy and buttery? It

4:07

I yeah.

4:07

It's flakes it flakes when you

4:09

pull on it.

4:10

I Yep. You it takes

4:12

jam well?

4:13

Yes. Yes. It's absorbent. I

4:16

when I watched it, I was like, well, that

4:18

it's it's

4:20

what I was doing because of everything I

4:22

wrote over the pandemic was like COVID

4:25

related or shutdown related. And

4:27

I was like, well, no one wants to hear about

4:29

that anymore. So I was like, I gotta

4:31

I gotta do what Chang's doing. Then I watch

4:33

patents special. and I

4:35

and I just realized, no, you can you

4:37

can do those jokes. There's they just

4:39

have to be really good. Here's

4:40

the thing that here's the mistake I made

4:43

coming up in San Francisco,

4:45

I would see Patton a lot because we moved

4:47

there, I think, within months of each other.

4:49

Yeah. And what I would do is watch Pat on

4:51

stage and go, I have to do what he's doing.

4:53

And that's impossible to do.

4:56

And I would sit down in cafes and

4:58

and then write a topic, Christophe.

5:00

And then I would expect the

5:02

chunk to fall out of my brain and

5:04

onto the page. it was

5:07

so ridiculous. And I've I've done it

5:09

for so long watching him. Yeah.

5:11

And it is such a setup

5:13

because no one's brain works like that.

5:15

and also he works on it really hard. Yeah. So

5:17

you're not gonna get the chunk when

5:19

you're sitting in the toy boat going

5:21

like, I'm as good as those guys are. Yeah. And

5:23

they're like, you're not gonna get it all at

5:25

once.

5:25

It doesn't it actually takes years

5:27

to do it this way. Yeah. And I'm

5:30

not gonna try and do it his way, but I

5:32

it patent special made me want

5:34

or just work harder at

5:36

at writing. And

5:37

Anyway, it should make you wanna

5:39

work smarter. So that's actually

5:41

we should go over -- Oh. -- or, like, more efficiently?

5:44

I should multitask while

5:46

making my writing my jokes. Just

5:49

if you can lean, you can clean. What's supposed

5:51

to be message you got out of customs? That

5:53

is special. So I don't know. We'll

5:55

talk to him we'll talk to him about it.

5:56

He's a We can do it right now. Yep.

5:58

Our guests today,

6:00

Karen?

6:00

Has

6:01

played clubs and colleges

6:02

Oh, I'm gonna call you this great

6:05

country.

6:06

and he is here with us now and we're

6:08

honored and we're thrilled because we don't

6:10

get to see him that often. It's Pat and Oswald,

6:12

everybody. Yay.

6:13

Oh, Crest, Karen. Thank

6:15

you so much for letting

6:17

me on the podcast. Yay.

6:20

Of course. Of course. You're

6:22

allowing you. You're allowing it.

6:24

Finally. Right. My I sent my

6:26

letters. I was persistent and

6:28

were paid off to hang it.

6:30

split persistent and polite. Sisson

6:32

of the two p's.

6:33

Understandable comedy. And here comes the third

6:36

b. Pat. So

6:39

there you go. There you go.

6:41

I'm sorry we did that thing where

6:44

there's

6:44

that couple of minutes for Karen

6:46

and I Riff. It's in parentheses.

6:49

We're required to do it. And Pat is just

6:51

sitting, listening to us, talk to him,

6:53

and he's unable to chime in because

6:55

we haven't introduced him yet. and

6:57

it's gotta be painful. I'm sorry we didn't

6:59

that. Yeah. You haven't haven't

7:01

passed me to clunch as it

7:03

were. Yeah. God, that was

7:06

that was that was such a nostalgic when

7:08

you said the toy boat cafe on

7:10

Clement. I remember us

7:12

sitting in either the toy boat, the blue danube,

7:14

or the Java source, all on

7:16

Clement. And we do there all

7:18

day with our notebooks, bitching

7:20

about showbiz. Why aren't we on TV?

7:22

Why aren't why are our careers going nowhere?

7:24

I would give anything to

7:27

have a free afternoon to sit

7:29

in a coffee shop and don't have to be anywhere

7:31

and just like, literally five hours

7:33

just sit and think about stuff. I would give anything

7:35

to have that.

7:36

I mean, I speak from current

7:38

experience. It it is pretty great.

7:42

What I left at that time, which is really

7:44

funny, is literally most

7:46

most of us had been doing stand up comedy

7:49

under five years. Right. and

7:51

yet it was like, this is

7:53

fucked. Why aren't we famous? Or it's like,

7:55

hey, how about you write more than

7:57

five minutes of material? Exactly.

7:59

Yeah. Yeah. But it's

8:02

not all crowd work and talking to your

8:04

friends -- Yes. -- that's in the in the weird

8:06

little balcony. Yeah. We're we're talking

8:08

about a shitty gauge you just did in low

8:10

die but you're only doing a bit for other

8:12

comedians who all agree how bad

8:14

the casket cleaver is in low night. How come

8:16

this isn't getting me on water, man? Because

8:19

you're you don't have eight eight million

8:21

friends watching letterman that all know your shit. So

8:23

why don't you write a joke? Local

8:26

jokes get local jokes. We joke. so so

8:29

work. So long to learn that.

8:31

Wow. I remember look,

8:33

listen, if if I can extend the mutual

8:35

appreciation study for just a little

8:37

bit, please. I I

8:39

would do it. Marvelling at

8:41

you watch watching your bitch because

8:43

whereas I was always about I've got you've

8:45

got to engage the audience by exploring

8:48

every possible facet of this. And you

8:50

got the biggest laughs out of

8:52

you would begin a story, but then the comedy

8:54

would come from you openly

8:56

disengaging with what was going on and that story going.

8:58

And then I just fuck that. I don't wanna be

9:00

involved in it. Like, you told a story about a

9:02

woman telling you where you couldn't couldn't

9:04

couldn't park. And it sounded like it was

9:06

starting off on this great, really funny

9:08

character study of this woman. And then using

9:10

and then it was going And then she's like,

9:12

you can't park here because this time, and then

9:15

just quack. You just look, quack. Like

9:17

like like, and you get mad. And that's how

9:19

you just shut down the reality of the moment, and

9:21

it was so real. And I was

9:23

like, how the fuck did he just do it?

9:25

If you made the comedy about I

9:27

know that I should tell you the story, but in the

9:29

story, I disengaged and shut

9:31

it down. and that's what's funny. And it

9:33

was hilarious. I

9:35

just remember you just going quack. Like,

9:37

you you boiled down this woman's

9:39

ranting. You to the word quack, which means and

9:41

then Karen switched switched it off, and

9:43

the woman wasn't there anymore. I had

9:46

to walk away

9:47

I was getting one more ticket that my dad was

9:49

gonna scream and scream at nine four. It was

9:51

so funny. Also, those were

9:53

the times where Most

9:56

of my comedy came from just

9:58

ripping off things my friends would

10:00

say that I thought was funny. So it's like Dave

10:02

Messmer, John Fraser, all those

10:04

people that I hung out with and worked

10:06

at the gap with. And I

10:08

it was, like, I would just get on stage and talk

10:10

like I was talking to my friends. just

10:13

going like, of course, this is hilarious. We're everybody

10:15

else is like, oh,

10:16

no. We have there's a whole system of how you're

10:18

supposed to be doing this. There's there's

10:21

a whole map to it. Oh, confident.

10:22

It just it blew me away how you

10:24

could engage people that way because then

10:26

you would see people go fuck, I do

10:28

that. Like, I actually it's actually

10:31

more real that you shut down and

10:33

walk away from a situation. Then if you

10:35

stay there, and say a bunch of smarmy things to

10:37

the person because in real life, that doesn't happen.

10:39

In real life, you're like, get this person the

10:41

fuck away from me. I'm I'm just I'm not here

10:43

anymore. Goodbye. Oh, god. It was

10:45

so great. It's so real.

10:47

I literally have no memory of that

10:49

pet. Oh, my goodness. but I knew

10:51

you wouldn't. Just when

10:52

you said the word quack, it

10:54

was like,

10:54

oh, that's what that woman became to her.

10:57

Just it was perfect. Yeah.

11:00

can't do it. I'm trying my hardest to get

11:02

Karen to start doing stand up again,

11:04

Ben. I'm

11:05

gonna do it. She

11:06

like like she doesn't have enough else going on in her

11:09

life. I know.

11:11

Just gotta add to

11:13

the plate and exhaust yourself. Yeah.

11:15

Exactly. I would love to do it if I

11:17

had some sort of like a spine

11:19

of an act that I could like go back

11:21

to or whatever. But, truly, I

11:23

just don't I it feels like that

11:25

kind of thing of like, what would I wanna say?

11:27

that I haven't said on my fucking

11:29

nineteen podcast. Exactly. Yeah.

11:32

Yeah. That that people literally when when

11:34

I say, I had to it it I will

11:36

say in my new special, there's

11:38

a bit about me, about my

11:40

elliptical talking about how I've abandoned it

11:42

and hasn't like, that guy

11:44

caught on me once. And he and I saw

11:46

that he had and then when I written it a bit, I I

11:48

said, oh, he downloaded a podcast.

11:50

What's he listening to? Oh,

11:52

my favorite murder. And when I said

11:54

that, it got such a massive round

11:56

of applause that actually threw

11:58

the rhythm off of the pitch,

11:59

but that's to a podcast

12:02

because your poor cultists are

12:04

everywhere. And also, they

12:06

felt a little let down when I would mention

12:08

it and then go back into my bid. They're

12:10

like, Oh, we could have a You're just talking about that. That's what

12:12

I'm talking about. Okay. You know,

12:14

like, date. Oh, so I had to

12:16

literally lose the name of your

12:18

podcast in that bit. That's

12:19

powerful. And then you got a standing ovation

12:22

with the mention of blue apron commercials.

12:25

Backfired again. Yep. Yeah. That

12:27

I love that. detail. Yeah, the

12:30

only reason I keep asking

12:32

Karen to

12:32

start doing stand up again is to

12:35

validate me, do

12:37

I get?

12:37

all that fun. Like, it's

12:40

one hundred percent okay if you don't

12:42

wanna do stand up. I

12:44

a hundred percent supported. I wanna

12:46

do stand up. because I want the,

12:48

like, applause and glory and

12:50

attention. Like, I just don't wanna write bits that will

12:52

be good enough to get me

12:54

that. That's the problem. is

12:56

that, like, I'll stand on stage and quackety

12:59

around all day long. Yeah. Yeah. It

13:01

won't it won't be good. People will be like,

13:03

oh, I kinda liked her podcast before, but

13:05

not anymore. Oh, she's

13:07

losing listeners. She's losing

13:09

listeners, you know. Please talk about

13:11

murder and then just stand

13:13

there like this. We don't care what

13:15

happened at the laundromat? Patent,

13:18

like I was saying, did you feel

13:20

pressure when you're talking about

13:22

the lockdown or COVID

13:25

or have jokes that you wrote during

13:27

that time. Did you feel pressure that they

13:29

needed to be did you feel the audience go,

13:31

I don't mind even hear about this

13:33

topic. I

13:33

you

13:34

know, I'm gonna I'll I'll be very honest

13:36

with you. I didn't write anything during the

13:38

lockdown. I didn't get anything

13:40

done. I cannot write sitting

13:42

down. I have to when

13:44

I'm in a like, as as Karen said, if

13:46

I'm in a toy boat

13:47

a toy boat Jesus. I'm in

13:50

a truck. I'm very

13:53

wealthy. I had a toy boat built in my office in

13:55

Boston. Just to

13:57

ride in, what if I was like, who's the guy

13:59

from the

13:59

Simpsons John Swartzwelder who he would

14:02

always write his Simpson scripts at this

14:04

specific booth at a specific diner. And

14:06

then I think the diner like stopped

14:08

allowing smoking inside, so he had a

14:10

replica of the booth built in his

14:12

house. But Is that true? Yeah. He could sit in

14:14

and smoke and write his script. I I'm swear

14:16

to god. Like, he was like, this is where I do my best

14:18

writing, so I built this booth in my house.

14:21

That's genius. Yeah. But, I mean, I have

14:23

topics and ideas, and I write down

14:25

maybe where it can go, but I can't

14:27

work it out unless it's in front of an audience. I

14:29

don't of course. They're blank

14:31

and ripped I know what I

14:33

wanna talk about, but for some reason

14:35

my writing happens on stage. So

14:37

I had to wait until I could

14:39

go back on stage. And at that point, it

14:41

was the only time we

14:42

were talking about the pandemic in COVID

14:44

was in the looking back, in the like

14:46

-- Right. -- it was that feeling of Well, we all made it

14:49

through and how is yours?

14:51

because mine wasn't good. I didn't do a good

14:53

shutdown. I didn't do a good quarantine.

14:55

I really went crazy. Yeah.

14:57

It really worked. That those were my

14:59

favorite bits of yours. Yeah.

15:01

Yeah. III

15:01

embraced how completely

15:04

unproductive I was, how

15:06

zero personal growth,

15:08

how there was absolute physical

15:10

collapse. Yeah. There was just

15:12

an immediate disgusting weight

15:14

gain. Weird. Like,

15:16

I lost track of time. So I would

15:18

like I

15:18

would like to take what I thought was a nap, but

15:20

I actually would sleep for eight hours where I

15:22

would go to sleep at ten o'clock

15:24

thinking I'd slept all night and I'd wake open as it was

15:26

eleven PM. I'm like, like,

15:28

everything was off. I was just a

15:30

freaking wreck. Since

15:31

time travel naps, Yeah.

15:33

I did the same thing too. I

15:36

ordered and

15:36

then not what the good quality just

15:39

ordered weird rubber bands

15:41

that

15:41

I'm supposed to, like,

15:43

stand on a ball and lit, like, all

15:45

the exercise equipment. I thought you

15:47

were gonna exercise. Oh, yeah. And

15:49

I did for, like, three days. I'm like,

15:51

anyone was like, yeah, I'm starting to

15:53

notice results. And then

15:55

Oh, yes. One of

15:57

them -- One of them -- -- one of them couch now. -- strongest

15:59

ma'am memories. I think right

16:01

at the beginning when the shutdown

16:03

was coming. Mhmm. It it

16:05

went from, like, a a kind of a

16:07

weird funny thing on Twitter to, like, this is

16:09

really happening. And then I just remember

16:11

standing in the kitchen, staring out the window

16:13

and going, this is super

16:15

weird. No one's ever gone through

16:17

it before. you might go crazy.

16:20

Yeah. Don't be like, just don't be

16:22

mean to yourself. You can do whatever you

16:24

want. Yeah. You can eat ice cream, you

16:26

can never move, you can whatever.

16:28

just don't be mean to yourself because that's when

16:30

I really fuck up is when that voice

16:32

in my head starts going like, yeah,

16:34

fuck these shit whatever. So I

16:36

was like, Yeah. It's ice cream

16:38

time. Guess what, salt, and straw. We're

16:40

about to get to know each other

16:42

really well. Showing your fancy

16:45

flavors. God. Like, delivered

16:47

ice cream. Oh, yeah. Oh,

16:48

I had my boxes from Jenny's coming.

16:51

Wait. I just the whole like, they

16:53

would they would announce a fall collection.

16:55

That would be like, purchased entire

16:57

collection. I don't even like Kathy's flavors. I

16:59

just want I'm the completist. I want

17:01

the whole collection. I

17:03

want them. Yep. How did

17:04

you have that wisdom that early though?

17:06

because I have the delusion of I

17:08

mapped out what I was gonna do, the the amount

17:10

of writing I would do to do, but you

17:13

I guess you just embrace the fact that, wait a minute, this is not

17:15

gonna go well for anyone. You're one of the lucky few

17:17

that knew that going in, so you probably suffered

17:20

less trauma. I think the

17:22

people who are trauma

17:24

raised, I think people who had,

17:27

like, a sudden death early in their

17:29

childhood or weird, like,

17:31

big life shift kinda things. Mhmm.

17:33

I mean, I think I've always been that way a little

17:35

bit where I'm, like, when when people are,

17:37

like, no, we have to go do this. I'm the person who's

17:39

always, like, absolutely don't have to do it.

17:41

Just wait and see how we don't have to do this. And

17:43

then -- Right. -- when the like, rule

17:45

breaker, kind of, like, not

17:47

rule breaker, but just I I got

17:49

to see things early on where

17:51

it's like, these adults are faking

17:53

it. Everything is a little bit

17:55

everyone thinks a little bit

17:57

fake. And so you don't have to be

17:59

so worried about

17:59

this stuff. But I knew

18:02

that, like, the impact because

18:04

we'd already been through so much shit with

18:06

this fucking Trump stuff in

18:08

January sixth. Like, our realities

18:10

just kept getting broken every day.

18:12

So I was like, okay, now we're

18:14

doing a quarantine. Okay.

18:16

The whole planet is gonna have

18:18

a mild freak out. Mhmm. However,

18:20

that affects us all whether it's some

18:23

kind of untapped energy source. We don't really know

18:25

anything about or this or the

18:27

great what's that called when we all

18:29

share the consciousness? the

18:31

Yeah.

18:34

Gaia Earth's Gaia or the mass

18:36

consciousness or some kind of hive

18:38

or something. there's

18:38

like a there's like a there's

18:40

like a some kind of a person that tells

18:43

you to journal where it's like we all

18:45

share this same awareness and we

18:47

all creatively draw out of the

18:49

same awareness pool. Anyway, I

18:51

was like, the awareness pool is fucked.

18:53

Like, someone just bunch of

18:55

relation to the awareness pool. That's a great way to think

18:57

of it. Like, I I was gonna sit in the sun for a

18:59

little bit. I'm gonna be getting the pool for a while. Yeah.

19:01

And just like that. So

19:03

if we're if I'm gonna be locked into

19:05

my house with basically

19:08

just two dogs --

19:09

Mhmm.

19:10

one of which then got lung

19:13

cancer, where I was just like

19:15

I was just like, okay, this is gonna get

19:17

really hard. Okay. Well, And I just kept

19:19

doing that where I was just like, okay, so

19:21

nothing else can matter. You get, like, eat

19:23

and eat ice cream for dinner, and

19:26

that's somehow is your maladaptive coping mechanism

19:28

because your dog has bone cancer go

19:30

for it. Because at this point, no

19:32

one's gonna be back on

19:34

you know, back on the starting line

19:37

anytime soon. That

19:37

was at least a two year point. Yeah. That's why I

19:40

was I I don't wanna say the

19:42

word Thrive but emotionally I

19:44

felt just fine because there wasn't this

19:46

looming I don't consider

19:48

myself competitive, but the fact that

19:50

everything stopped for everyone. This

19:52

wave was lifted off my shoulders, and it's

19:54

like, it doesn't matter what

19:56

I do. No one's doing anything.

19:58

I'm on Zoom

19:59

shows that I feel shitty about. And then I

20:02

went Stephen Colbert doing a

20:04

Zoom version of his show

20:06

in a snappy palette. And it gave me

20:08

such joy to see him

20:09

in that pan the same panic I'm

20:12

having. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. No

20:14

one is fully thriving. I didn't

20:16

realize that's what drove me. Other

20:18

people's thriving. It was a

20:19

psychological version of that

20:22

comforting nihilism we all had in the

20:24

eighties of yes, we're afraid of a nuclear

20:26

war. But if it happens, we

20:28

all go. Like, there won't be

20:30

-- Yeah. -- people that won't like, in other words,

20:32

we'll be lucky if we get killed

20:34

the media late. But it was this weird like, hey.

20:36

I'm I if that when I see the missiles, I'm

20:38

I I will actually relax. Like,

20:40

there's nothing I can do. I'm asking.

20:43

Yeah. every decision has been made for me for the rest of my

20:45

life I can relax. Yep. It's

20:47

fine. Funny that that was a fear

20:49

from a fear from my childhood

20:51

in the eighties. hiding on your desk. And

20:53

just today watching the news, I was like, wait,

20:55

where will I go? I guess that could still

20:57

happen. I'll go to my garage. That's

20:59

all. That's a cement box. So

21:01

I do it. Yeah. Yeah. I just have to undo the padlocks.

21:05

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24:21

Karen, you

24:22

just reminded me because I was talking about this

24:24

the other day. how you remind me of

24:27

Kirsten Dunston and

24:27

Lars von Trere's Melancholia, where

24:30

it's about the world ending

24:33

But the one person who handles it

24:35

all with grace and dignity is the

24:37

suicidally depressed character who's I was

24:39

like, I'm actually ready for this. life.

24:41

Exactly like that the other woman's, like, running across the golf course

24:43

with their kids, like, trying to survive. And

24:46

Kirsten is, like, uh-huh, here we go. She's

24:48

watching the sparks come up her hands. Like,

24:50

to be cooked a lie. Like, she's the

24:53

one person who dies pretty because

24:55

she's not even born. Yeah.

24:58

Just don't fight it. Just don't struggle.

25:00

Also, here

25:01

this is very melancholy

25:03

esque. I remember watching

25:06

that movie in the theater. I

25:06

was in Chicago at the

25:07

time, and I was just like, wow, I'm really

25:10

relating

25:10

to this. That was the feeling also

25:12

looking out my kitchen window and I

25:14

have a really lovely view of the valley and

25:17

there was not an ounce of smog. It

25:19

was clear -- Yes. -- a

25:21

bell. It was like gorgeous nature.

25:23

And I was like, this is the kind of thing that

25:25

might make you go crazy because that's not

25:28

normal. And that's really creepy and you're gonna see

25:30

it every day, and it's gonna slowly get

25:32

under your skin. So keep your eye on

25:34

not actually liking that. Like, I was doing

25:36

that kind of stuff of, like, here when I was

25:38

wiping down my cereal boxes. Remember when

25:40

we were all wiping down the boxes, and

25:42

I was wiping down like

25:44

Chirillo's box and saying to

25:46

myself, this could definitely make you go. This is

25:48

exactly the kind of thing that would make you spin

25:50

out. And I just kinda kept doing

25:52

that. And it was like the voice that's always

25:54

been in my head going like, that's not right.

25:56

And you're not good enough. Finally was

25:58

fucking helping me where it

25:59

was like -- Right. -- yeah. This could

26:02

go bad. Don't don't freak

26:04

out about this because this could actually go,

26:07

like, wiping down bags of

26:09

pinto beans, I will never cook

26:11

them. Like, what's the plan?

26:13

I was I was cleaning. I was doing a big

26:15

book purge the other day. Oh, this is so pathetic.

26:17

I we have we all these cookbooks, which

26:19

we've never opened. And

26:22

right when the pandemic started.

26:24

God is so embarrassing. So I have a book

26:26

that Jed Tela gave me one

26:28

hundred recipes you must try before you die.

26:30

he's just this great cook. And I had bookmarked

26:32

right at the beginning of the pandemic,

26:34

the recipe for apple pie. I was gonna teach

26:36

myself to make apple pie. And I was doing

26:38

the book purge, and I took it out, and there was

26:40

the bookmark, which I bookmarked it

26:42

and never opened it again, never bought

26:44

it, and nothing. It never happened. It

26:46

was just this weird little marker

26:48

of another thing I did not do. Oh,

26:51

yeah.

26:51

Dilution. Wow.

26:54

Dilution.

26:54

Distract action. No. It was almost like it's

26:57

when something scary is happening. Me and

26:59

my sister and I always do this first. So it's like,

27:02

okay. okay. Well, it's like that

27:04

your voice goes up really nice and you're

27:06

like,

27:06

I'm gonna make an apple pie.

27:07

That's what I'll do. And it's just like

27:09

that's your version of kind of like action panic,

27:11

where it's like -- Yes. -- this will do it.

27:13

This will fix it. Yes. There was a

27:15

great onion headline the week after nine eleven, and

27:17

it was just like, not

27:20

knowing what else to do, mom bakes

27:22

American flag cake. That's

27:27

it. Which is exactly it. That's We

27:29

oh my god. That the the panic

27:31

the panic chores and the panic joking

27:33

when things go wrong. Yeah. That's

27:35

that's very real. Yeah. That's true. I'll

27:37

do a load of dishes. That'll make things

27:40

better. I like

27:40

sweeping. And it's like, what's that internal

27:43

voice? I've never spoken like that before in

27:45

my life. This will do it. Oh,

27:47

fuck it. There you go. Yeah.

27:49

Oh, fuck it. like that.

27:51

Oh my god. Yeah. There's a there's a

27:53

great little super

27:55

micro budget science fiction film came

27:57

out in twenty fourteen called Coherence.

28:00

and it was shot for fifty grand over five days

28:02

in this guy's house. It's just eight people in

28:04

the movie. And something starts going

28:06

wrong with reality. There's no crazy special effect. There's

28:08

no it's just something starts going

28:10

wrong. And the one thing that actually ups

28:13

the panic level when I watched it

28:15

was the crazier things get

28:17

the more, like, bad jokes characters

28:19

tried to make because they're trying to

28:21

go back to the normalcy of

28:23

the awkward dinner part they were having, like,

28:25

They're craving when they were making

28:27

the shitty jokes. So then I start doing more

28:29

of them and it felt so it

28:31

it elicited such a panic response

28:34

to me. that that's what people do things start getting

28:36

crazy. Yes. Especially

28:37

me and my family. Like, if

28:39

someone's on their deathbed, we

28:41

all do at least ten minutes.

28:44

Yes. And some of

28:44

it, I think, I wish I had written

28:46

down. Like, some of it's good. But

28:48

that's that's your coping mechanism. So your dad's

28:50

like, bring me right up. just

28:53

do a quick follow-up. Yeah. Right?

28:55

That's good. Alright. And spend long

28:57

on the intro. No credits.

29:01

I mean, it is so comforting, though, I

29:03

think, if you're from that kind of family -- Mhmm.

29:05

-- when things are shitty and someone looks

29:07

across at you and it's like when

29:09

my mama had Alzheimer's. Mhmm. And my

29:12

oh my god. This is my dad's recurring

29:15

thing. I've she makes it easy. She'd be,

29:17

like, doing some insane thing across the

29:19

room where everyone was, like, in a panic of,

29:21

like, because my mom was so her

29:24

whole thing was, like, being cool and

29:26

being kind of,

29:26

like, refined, fake

29:29

refined. She was from

29:29

the the mission. but she kinda tried to act

29:31

like she was, you know, one of the

29:34

candidates. And when she got sick

29:36

and it all just kind of she just lost

29:38

all that. She would do a lot she would

29:40

do weird shit and she would kinda, like, starts, like,

29:42

kinda yell at you for no reason. There was just a lot of,

29:44

like, obviously. It was just the

29:46

craziness. and I tell just

29:48

with a big smile toward me and my sister. Well,

29:50

she makes it easy. And that's the fact. Like,

29:52

we were there were constant bits.

29:55

they were constant -- Mhmm. -- constant

29:56

bets. Yep. When my mom was in her

29:59

facility, we my sister and I

30:01

laughed so hard. the

30:03

whole time and then felt terrible on the drive home.

30:06

Yeah. Like, why did we just

30:08

laugh? Right. We were the only

30:09

people laughing in this bad

30:12

place. of pee puddles and

30:14

shaking and

30:15

horrible. He laughed so hard.

30:17

I can't oh,

30:19

I missed those times. you you don't

30:21

have a choice. You just have a choice.

30:23

Yeah. You don't have a choice. And you need

30:25

to it has to be with those people that

30:27

get you that you don't I mean,

30:29

it has to like, people, but that you would never have to

30:31

go back and explain anything too.

30:34

I I spent

30:36

a day with my mom once she was kind of, like, over

30:38

the line way over the line and I didn't

30:40

know it yet because I was down in LA. Mhmm. And

30:42

I spent a day with her that was

30:44

madness and it was truly it was like a horror movie.

30:46

And when my sister came to pick me

30:49

up, I started crying and I

30:51

was like, I want her to die.

30:53

And I was doing it, like, it was the

30:55

fucking you know, it was, like, to

30:57

tell you something. She I didn't think

30:59

mister Rose, You don't think I've

31:01

looked up how to kill her. And

31:05

I I had been, like, sub and then we

31:07

both start laughing. She's like -- Yeah.

31:08

-- I fucking think that every single time. That's

31:10

not -- Yeah. -- of course, you do. Like,

31:12

what are you talking about? And I

31:14

was just like, Thanks

31:15

fucking God. Yeah. That was sweet of her to

31:17

say, actually. Yeah. That was saying she

31:19

coulda saved you. She gave you a lifeline there.

31:22

Yes. To go, like, yeah,

31:24

that's some something horrible, but also,

31:27

yeah, I don't know. That's to me, that's the those

31:29

are the funniest times because it's the it's

31:31

heart wrenching, Lee, funny.

31:34

Yeah. I think Amy Poehler told

31:36

me once when she was on SNL

31:38

and either her mom or dad died, but she

31:40

had to do the show. And then

31:42

go to the funeral the next day, but she had just got

31:44

the news and it was really tearing her up. And

31:46

she goes, what saved her was when they were

31:48

in dress, and she was starting to

31:51

fall apart. John Ham was the

31:53

host. It was his first hosting time. And

31:55

he took her aside. And he was like, look,

31:57

I I can't even imagine what you're going through

31:59

right now, Amy.

31:59

But this this is a big shot for me, so I need you to pull it

32:02

together. And it made her off

32:04

that so hard, and it

32:06

got her through the night. I

32:08

bet you saved her by doing that. It was

32:10

so perfect. Is that

32:12

amazing? Yeah. Yeah. It was really going out on

32:14

a limb with that, Joe. Yeah. because boy,

32:16

that good and bad fire. Yeah. Yeah.

32:18

Cool. So wrong. And

32:20

then they went on to do John

32:22

Ham's, John

32:22

Ham. Did you see that sketch? Jesus

32:25

Christ. That was I was like, This

32:27

is

32:27

the dumbest best thing I've ever

32:29

seen in my life. Yeah. And he John,

32:32

you know when they pitch that to him? He he just

32:34

even before they he was like, yes. We're absolutely doing

32:36

this. we're so doing this. And then when

32:38

he when he talks about the you know, my

32:40

my name is spelled with two m's instead

32:42

of one m and that John is with an

32:44

h and mine feel like a

32:47

dumbass yet? Was, like, what

32:49

happened? He's just oh, god. He

32:51

just nailed it. He's so funny.

32:53

And that that drove me crazy. That's like that's like

32:56

Elizabeth Banks

32:57

and Alex Baldwin. And

32:59

it's like, hey. hot or funny. You

33:01

just pick one. You don't get to have both of those. It's

33:03

for real. That's for real. That's for real. That's just It's

33:06

so irritating. You should have to pay for this

33:08

somehow. This is not good. That's

33:10

funny. I remember the first time he

33:12

was at UCBE or something.

33:14

And he I was, like, getting

33:16

up set that because I couldn't stop looking at

33:18

just the way his face is shaped.

33:21

Yeah. And then that's that

33:23

face was being funny. And I'm like, well,

33:26

then act actually fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you. That was

33:28

because you're like Yeah.

33:30

Just so many so many lines

33:32

and that that face it has.

33:35

Yeah. Very funny. And they're all

33:37

handsome. Yeah. They're all handsome

33:39

man. Tina Veta Scott. He looks like a he

33:41

looks like a cartoon of a

33:43

pilot. But, you know, that's

33:45

that's what you look at. Like, it's a

33:47

kind of handsome that makes you angry at him. Like,

33:49

I hope something bad happens to you.

33:51

You've know that. dare you?

33:54

He also gets the extra sheen

33:56

of being on such a good

33:58

show that it's

33:59

it made him more beautiful because

34:02

the show was written so well, and he did so many

34:04

amazing things. Like, it's

34:06

it's that kind of thing where, like, his

34:09

his I

34:10

what's the what's the word for it? It's, like, his jaw

34:13

loss. It's it's almost like a bit.

34:15

I don't know.

34:18

I just and still in my own little world

34:20

show. Like,

34:21

his grade, you know,

34:23

like, grade a honey. Right.

34:25

He's just, like, just graded --

34:27

Oh, it's ridiculous. -- across the fucking board. Yeah.

34:29

You know, address and Christmas. In my

34:31

day, you'll Yeah. In clowns

34:34

look like clowns. Whether without makeup. We

34:36

did it as a service to people.

34:40

You know. And you and

34:42

Tyler walked on screaming, that's a

34:44

funny guy. Yeah. And if you

34:46

were accidentally handsome, you just

34:48

fall down more. He's

34:50

our clown. make yourself

34:52

ugly. Oh,

34:52

that's great. So,

34:54

Patton, you are are you allowed

34:56

to say where you are right now? Oh, yeah. I'm in

34:59

I'm in fabulous steam

35:00

bathy, Savannah, Georgia, which

35:03

I'm turning over again. Yeah. You know what?

35:05

Things I tried again. I

35:08

tried fresh with a new wife and boy, that went where she

35:10

went over that. Just ran off. When on

35:12

vacation, Columbia had ran off with a street

35:14

musician. It's it's it's really

35:16

a spiral.

35:18

you know, just like, hey, look, a hot eighteen year

35:20

old Columbia, and that is that is a wild animal celebrity.

35:22

That there you can't cure that.

35:25

She's like she's like fuck your IMDB. I'm

35:28

leaving with one.

35:30

I She's out. I'm

35:33

doing this mini series in Savannah

35:35

except in the civil war, so

35:37

I get to

35:40

wear this massive fake beard, huge,

35:42

wool, uniform, gun, sword

35:46

hat just

35:48

basically I'm I'm into my own personal sona

35:51

all day on this set. I've been

35:53

here since July, and

35:55

and now Yeah. It's it's

35:57

been quite an Wow. It's so fun to be

35:59

in

35:59

period wool when it's,

36:02

like, a hundred and

36:04

two with humidity

36:06

of urine. I

36:08

did it. I was like an extra in a

36:10

western when I first moved Austin, and

36:12

they made t shirts that

36:14

it was a hundred and fifteen and I was wearing layers of

36:17

wool just sweating through it and I'm

36:19

like I don't think I

36:20

have what it takes be

36:22

one of these actors people. This isn't gonna happen. No. No. I

36:25

can't do it. At least when Karen did her TV

36:27

show, she was smart to go over

36:30

to Scotland. where it's it's nice. Right. Yeah. And you can you can

36:32

dress, like, for fall weather, and it's not

36:34

uncomfortable. That's right. You I I

36:35

told my agent at

36:38

the time. It has to

36:40

be above the Greenwich

36:42

the Greenwich line because I can't handle

36:45

anything. Even

36:46

France, a little too spicy

36:48

for me. Yeah. A little bit. During during

36:50

summer door. It is not a

36:52

minimum to the actura. So I

36:54

will do Scotland, I will do ice land. I

36:56

would consider Greenland. I did a

36:59

movie in Iceland. And the day that I got there,

37:01

we we flew to Reykjavík, and then

37:03

we drove an hour outside

37:05

of Reykjavík to this little like

37:08

Sportsman's lodge in a town that I don't think

37:10

had vowels in it. It was

37:12

so out upon

37:14

this glacier. And so the day that I got there, someone said, hey,

37:16

walking out on the glacier is really beautiful if you need

37:18

like a walk or something. I wasn't gonna be shooting for a

37:20

couple I

37:22

was like, alright. Like, I I need this. I needed to clear my head. So

37:24

I go for this. I'm walking on the glacier. No

37:26

headphones in. Don't have my phone. I'm

37:28

just like, wow. I'm actually cut

37:31

off This is great, and I was really feeling energized.

37:33

And I see this speck way in the

37:36

distance. Like, someone's walking towards me, like,

37:38

a mile away on

37:40

the glacier. and I keep going. The speck gets closer, closer, closer, and

37:42

it gets to me. And it's Sean Penn.

37:44

He's like, oh, hey, Pat. Like,

37:45

oh, hey, I I

37:48

guess I don't escape Hollywood no matter what, like, and

37:50

then he just kept walking and then we were

37:52

shooting the movie together. But I didn't know he was

37:56

already there. But I'm like, the one person I see out on the

37:58

Glacier Chantan,

37:59

I wish that he was not in

38:02

the movie. Yeah. He wasn't

38:04

just a question today. Sarando.

38:06

Please. I haven't he wasn't even in the

38:08

movie. Yes. Don Penn on

38:10

a glacier. comes up and is, like, this is actually my glacier. Right. Right.

38:12

Right. Right. Because

38:12

that was, like, hey, do you and

38:15

and you Are you coming from where the

38:17

bourgeois Piggas? I'm really lost.

38:20

I just went through a walk and holy

38:22

shit. I think I took a wrong turn.

38:24

Am I still on Beachwood? Where

38:26

is this? It's so weird. Yeah.

38:30

I

38:30

I almost said something dumb, I think, believe it

38:32

or not, you guys. And I've not

38:35

I thought, well, was

38:36

that

38:38

for Sandman,

38:38

but you probably didn't have to leave your house to do the voice

38:41

of that real song. Thank god. I was able

38:43

that was something. That's the one thing that

38:45

came out of the pandemic

38:48

from my panic was I

38:50

built a little voiceover booth

38:52

in the corner of a room because I was like,

38:54

well, this is the only way I'm gonna make money.

38:56

I did one online show. Like, they remember they were

38:58

trying to do those online stand up shows.

39:01

Yep. And I had a

39:03

slow motion panic attack and

39:06

then I had, like, three days

39:07

of genuine I don't I I

39:10

don't

39:10

wanna say suicidal depression, but, like,

39:14

existential gloom of if

39:16

this is how comedy is, then I'm not a

39:18

comedian anymore. I I don't exist in

39:20

this world. You know, I I was

39:22

so out of my element, and then I was like,

39:24

maybe I should just do voice over. So I built

39:26

a little like, it's literally in a and I didn't

39:28

build a studio. It's just a thing in a

39:30

corner. I can hang these acoustic blankets around and then just do my

39:32

voice over breath. That's it. You pulled over the

39:34

divider that you throw your slip over normally

39:36

and that's not your voice over

39:38

book. Yeah.

39:40

I know. Yeah. III watched it happen one night, and then I go, you know what? You

39:42

want me to get on the string. And I'll just That's

39:44

the way you do it. There you go. Good to go.

39:46

So funny that you immediately

39:48

found a plan b

39:50

solution because I just kept

39:52

doing panic inducing Zoom

39:54

shows. Oh, I did I

39:56

did want many of them barely got

39:58

through it. You did

40:00

sixty of them. I did. I kept doing them.

40:02

I didn't. Yeah. Yeah. And I

40:04

would lay

40:04

in bed with

40:05

my eyes open afterwards every

40:08

single time. I don't Sometimes

40:09

they were fun. Oh.

40:11

I swear to you. I

40:13

did one, and it was a friggin

40:15

nightmare. And I had I thought

40:17

I was like, Was I crying on that? I feel like, I literally thought

40:19

I guess I'm not trying. I oh,

40:22

god. I hated it so much.

40:24

Yeah. Yeah. Now, did

40:25

you do so many of them? because you're thinking, I will

40:28

get the knack of it if I keep doing them or you

40:30

just did it out of

40:31

panic.

40:32

I0I was I really felt like this is

40:34

gonna be a thing and I better get

40:36

used to it because God knows how many

40:38

years we're gonna be. I

40:41

doing this. It wasn't that far off. And

40:43

like the third or fourth when I

40:45

did, they had trust fifteen

40:47

trusted audience members that

40:50

were also let into the the room and you could hear them

40:52

laughing and that was enough for me. And

40:54

the drive in shows where they're

40:56

honking, that was

40:58

enough to to just have a piece of it and I wouldn't panic

41:00

during those ones and there was like a little

41:02

glimmer of hope. But no, usually

41:04

fetal position

41:06

all

41:06

night. Baby I saw one. This was one of

41:09

my favorites because people were playing

41:11

that online game. What was it called, Chris?

41:13

With the like With the lunch. QuipLash.

41:16

QuipLash. And I was on I was on a show where

41:18

me and Chris and then, like,

41:20

five other people were playing QuipLash.

41:24

Right? So you're you're basically in like a joke

41:26

contest of hack jokes.

41:27

Yeah.

41:28

So and Chris fucking

41:30

immediately

41:31

just began to

41:34

just story everyone. All of his jokes were actually funny.

41:36

Most people would just do, like,

41:38

just, you know, a dog's huge dick,

41:40

and then it would get all these

41:43

points from everybody else. And I was like, what the fuck is this?

41:45

And but every time Chris's answer

41:47

was funnier than everybody's and

41:49

actually good. And then at one point,

41:51

he thought his Internet went

41:54

out. But it didn't. We could

41:56

still see him. It was like your his side

41:58

or his audio or something. So

42:00

then he just got up from, like, where he

42:02

is right now and went over to the doorway,

42:04

and he just started doing pull ups on a

42:06

pull up bar really angrily. And

42:08

it's one of the fun stuff. I

42:10

remember that. I've ever seen. And we all

42:12

thought you did it on purpose, and he

42:14

was not trying to be funny in real

42:16

life. I really thought I was

42:18

alone, finally. Okay.

42:20

That was the little window where I was working out.

42:22

Like, I was I was I I

42:24

hate saying it, but I was

42:28

driving. It's like you said, it's some of the best joke writing I

42:30

had. It was I was I was doing my

42:32

chin ups -- Wow. -- and now everything's

42:34

picked up again and I It was

42:36

just It

42:37

was the best. The idea though of, like, as a

42:40

bit, basically, being enraged

42:42

by tech and then going and just

42:44

doing, like, ten

42:46

pull ups, is so funny if you

42:48

were being It's

42:48

so human. And I also remember at the

42:51

very very beginning of the pandemic, Zoom

42:54

had not become the thing yet. At

42:56

the beginning, there were nine different platforms

42:58

in every new show you would do.

43:01

There we go. Well, on our show, we use brick

43:03

block. And what you have to do, you have

43:05

to shut down these things, and you got to re

43:07

and it was just like, And you like,

43:10

some of them would fuck up my computer, and I would

43:12

get all hands of it. And I was so oh,

43:14

that also gave me all this anxiety. Like,

43:16

I I don't but I don't wanna be the old guy,

43:18

you know, I don't wanna be the the

43:21

nineteen forties band leader going. The

43:23

Beatles, it's just a two guys with

43:25

guitars and a drum with that. You know? So I went

43:27

out of my way not to be that cranky

43:29

time, but inside, I was just

43:32

enraged

43:34

and terrified.

43:34

I did. I got angry during a lot

43:36

of them and then felt bad as, like, well,

43:38

I just panicked and got mad at

43:42

four strangers. because I

43:43

-- Yeah. -- I didn't like the game show they invented. It

43:45

was always weird variety. It's

43:47

like we're doing a trivia game show

43:49

and there's a buzzer Yeah.

43:52

If this is gonna be painful, let's also make it complicated.

43:54

Right. Like, oh, yeah. Got it. I

43:57

have no idea. shows like I

43:59

did Dave

43:59

Holmes show, which I love Friday and

44:02

Friday. Right? So it's just, like, it's we it's

44:04

topical comedy, and then whatever.

44:07

it it just dragged, like, in this way

44:09

where I was like, you'd say something.

44:11

You'd know it was funny. No one would

44:13

make a sound. then you were

44:15

like, stop saying stuff. You're not funny.

44:18

Like, in within the structure

44:20

of the game show, it was

44:22

just like, you I absolutely lost

44:24

the will live. It was just like, why do I

44:26

do this for a living? Yeah. And and then you then you, like, hit

44:28

leave meeting and then you're

44:30

like,

44:32

Wait. What am I why did I do that? What am I doing? Yeah.

44:34

I'm

44:34

it gets all the crazies. And also

44:37

just the the day

44:38

you would try

44:39

to get up, like, today I'm gonna start fresh and you

44:42

try to eat a healthy breakfast, but

44:44

then the day just turned into

44:46

a weird connected string of snacks that wasn't

44:48

really a specific lunch or dinner.

44:50

You just kinda ate until you

44:52

got tired. and then you went to

44:54

bed and then and then then I

44:56

added drinking to that, which was not a good

44:58

idea because again, there's no

45:00

sense of time anymore. So there's no sense

45:02

of like Well, it's six o'clock. I'll go have a glass of wine. I'll

45:04

have a chef. It's like, well, it's six o'clock

45:06

and I'll have something and then is it

45:08

four hours later? How much have I been

45:10

doing? Like, You don't have because

45:12

you don't have to go anywhere, so you don't feel

45:14

like, oh, I'm getting hammered because you're --

45:16

Right. -- you can just walk five feet and go to bed.

45:18

Yes. Oh, man. Yeah. There

45:19

were some bad days. At one

45:22

point, there was

45:22

a day where in the middle of my

45:25

house by myself, I yelled stop

45:28

eating cereal because I it was

45:30

just at a house plant. It was

45:32

just my go to

45:33

for a solution for everything. It's

45:36

just like, I guess I'll eat

45:38

more lucky charms, the worst thing I could be

45:40

eating right now. And it was just like,

45:42

stop doing this. What are

45:44

you doing? Yeah. And I went into my

45:46

I went into a real swimming phase, which actually was great. That's good.

45:48

But yes. That was much

45:50

better. Wow.

45:52

But still a little

45:54

surreal because it was I was alone.

45:56

So that was the part where I

45:58

was just like, just be careful with this

46:00

isolation part because that's what gets people. Right. Not

46:04

good.

46:05

good Yeah. No.

46:06

no But we're bumming out all

46:08

the listeners right now. But, you know,

46:10

remember

46:10

when you were lonely. Oh, they're

46:13

sad. No. They

46:15

were sad continue to be and

46:17

remind you? No. You were once sad. Even if

46:19

you were happy an hour

46:22

ago. Well, when you

46:23

did the

46:25

with Janine Grofflow,

46:27

that the tour

46:29

for the the

46:30

ratatouille Well, how many years

46:32

ago, what's that now? Please don't say it's

46:34

over ten, but Well, it's fifteen.

46:36

It's fifteen. Holy shit.

46:40

Sorry. time is a malleable concept. I don't know what to tell

46:42

you. Fifteen years ago. We went

46:43

on that. That was my first big movie tour

46:46

in a promoter That was your

46:48

first, like, starring role thing. Right?

46:50

Yeah. And I remember we were in

46:51

these little towns where we would also

46:53

do standup and

46:56

then you know, go to

46:58

all the press and try to and

47:00

this was, like, still sort of pre

47:02

internet. Like, I think that was my

47:04

space maybe. Yeah. Yeah. One thing

47:07

I do remember is we had to go do this event, a screening

47:09

and press event, and it was on a

47:11

Sunday evening, and we were

47:13

going to miss the last episode

47:15

of the Sopranos. So we asked the hotel we were at.

47:17

They were so nice to us. They

47:20

videotaped it

47:22

for us. and then

47:24

set a VCR up in our room.

47:26

However, no Internet, no

47:28

Twitter. We just knew that the episode

47:30

was set up in room, went go up there, hit play

47:33

they they they put out little little balls of popcorn for

47:35

us, and that's what you know. So

47:37

we're sitting there at Gina and I'm

47:39

just watching it in my hotel room.

47:41

And then, you know how episode ends. Right? It just

47:44

cuts to black. And we

47:46

freaked

47:46

out thinking, oh,

47:48

there's VCR cut off or something just like because it literally

47:51

cuts off mid lyric in the song.

47:53

Yeah. Nothing happened. And then we didn't

47:55

wait for the credits. We

47:58

just, like, shut it off and called downstairs. Something went wrong with the Visa dot you Yeah.

48:00

And this popcorn is stale.

48:03

But then we and I

48:05

think we ended ended up having call

48:07

a friend and have

48:09

because the the person at the front desk was

48:11

trying to explain to us, no. No. No. It's supposed

48:13

to be like that, but they weren't

48:15

explaining it very well. We thought, no. You don't know

48:17

what you're talking about, and then we called a friend of ours. Like, no. No. It literally cuts

48:19

off and but for, like, an hour, we were

48:21

like, we missed the last second of the year. It was

48:23

it was so

48:26

remember that so vividly that we were both in

48:28

that room

48:28

together. And I never watched it

48:30

until quarantine. I finally finished apparent

48:33

I was like, people could stop getting mad at

48:35

me at parties. But you

48:36

you have you let me open for

48:38

you guys on that tour, like, in in

48:41

Salt Lake City in Austin. And and I it was

48:43

that was during a time where I had

48:45

nothing going on.

48:48

and you liked, like, a three stooges bit I had

48:50

that didn't ever wear. You're like, I

48:52

like that three stooges bit. Do you

48:54

wanna go

48:55

on to our for

48:57

the

48:57

and it was so I had never done,

49:00

like, you

49:01

know, standing audience music

49:04

venues like that. And -- That's right. Yeah. --

49:06

that kinda Cross kinda

49:08

really started that for a lot of all comments.

49:10

Let's go to small rock clubs and I've -- Yeah. --

49:12

that's a great idea, and we just

49:14

ran with it. still all I

49:16

wanna do. And so anyway, thank you

49:18

for that. I needed that at that

49:20

time. And I always think about the fact

49:22

you did that for me. Well and that was my okay. was my first

49:24

time ever in Salt Lake City. And first

49:26

off, it's a beautiful city. Yes. It's

49:29

a Mormon enclave. What was

49:32

really weird though is it

49:34

really did stay true to the whole idea

49:36

of, well, and, you know, Mormons, they don't drink

49:38

alcohol, they don't drink coffee. Yep. and and they don't

49:40

listen to secular music. And there was that

49:42

one block. It was the

49:44

equivalent of Salt Lake City's Red Lake

49:46

District where it's jammed with

49:48

coffee shops record

49:50

stores. Like, all the stuff was on

49:52

this one block. People

49:54

break dancing. The

49:57

pastor from Foot Loo

49:58

standing here. Do I get

49:59

away? Walk out. No. Don't do

50:02

it. Watching

50:04

eighties romantic comedy. It's like,

50:06

oh, I just remember

50:08

the coffee was so strong. It

50:10

was like, if we can't if we're

50:12

going to go I'm gonna go sit and have

50:14

coffee, it'd better be worth it. This

50:16

stuff

50:17

was paint thinner. It was so

50:19

strong. I've never forgotten

50:21

that. weird Salt Lake City, Red Lake District. And

50:23

I remember

50:24

that audience being great. I

50:26

I love audiences there. Yeah.

50:28

yeah I just

50:29

read an article that some

50:32

fancy chef just said Rata Tuohy is

50:34

the best food movie ever or the

50:36

best like chef

50:38

movie ever. Did you hear about that? Yeah. Well, Anthony Bourdain said we

50:40

were the most realistic movie about a

50:42

chef and other chefs that I've

50:44

not to brag, but when I

50:46

go to nice restaurants. This chef will come out and say hello. He's like, oh, you're

50:48

the rat from the moon. Like, yeah.

50:50

And that's right for the

50:51

fucking Yeah. And

50:53

where's my ex

50:54

for breadbasket.

50:56

But I've got I've

50:59

become very good friends with

51:01

people like Grand Acuts for

51:03

Jocelynia in Chicago. and there were little and friends

51:05

of mine who are chefs and who worked in the business, like, there

51:07

are all these little details that

51:10

they got so

51:12

ripe. Like, there's always a pot of potatoes soaking.

51:14

You gotta have potatoes ready. You can't

51:16

be peeling them when someone orders them. They

51:18

gotta be ready to go. The

51:20

floor is super warped. Oh, great kitchen is

51:23

the floor because of hot,

51:25

cold, constantly hitting

51:27

it. Oh, yeah. And in the animation,

51:29

the floor was all warped? Well, they built. This is how

51:32

crazy, you know, things are

51:34

at Pixar. they

51:36

built an AI program to, like, build

51:38

the floor and and to make

51:40

it, you know, to imagine what it

51:42

would be like years of stuff getting

51:45

it so many work. But then

51:48

at night, when they were rendering the background,

51:50

the program would go in and neaten out all

51:52

the tiles and flat. and they had teach

51:54

it, like, don't wreck your work. We

51:56

need this to be uneven in soft

51:58

donnie. Yeah. So

51:59

you

52:00

they'd have in water,

52:02

damage again. Yeah. The AI is like this.

52:05

It's not correct. It must

52:07

be black. Oh, that's

52:09

so cool. I got

52:11

our I hate humanity

52:14

and life. Well, you're

52:16

benefiting everything. It's getting a mind of

52:18

its own.

52:20

The audience wants to see the floor.

52:22

If all humans were dead, show me all humans dead floor,

52:24

the animation program kills

52:28

itself. Damn. We made it

52:30

too smart.

52:32

Yeah. Yeah.

52:32

That was really it's very gratifying

52:35

to be I mean, there's There

52:37

have been some really good films that get like

52:39

like big night and and Chefs'

52:41

that really get the world corrected.

52:43

I don't know if Burke And

52:45

Bert. Don't forget Bert. Bert, which I've watched,

52:47

like, four times in quarantine. I don't know why,

52:49

but I loved Bert. Is that the one where

52:51

it's all one shot, or is that a

52:54

different one? No. That Brent is the one with Bradley

52:56

Cooper where he's just kinda like,

52:58

you know, cool and on drugs. Yeah. And

53:00

he's a chef. And I

53:02

think I love the idea of, like, I

53:04

to me, I think chefs are

53:06

more exciting than rock stars because they

53:08

actually can they can do something

53:12

useful useful in life. You know what I mean? Yeah. And

53:14

it is really hard what they do and

53:16

how they do it every single night is

53:18

really hard. So I'm always like,

53:21

Don't we? Like, so your friends or chefs? How

53:23

do I get to be a friend? Because that to

53:25

me, that just is so it's

53:28

so compelling but it's

53:30

also more high pressure than

53:32

anything. It's just

53:32

like it's that is

53:34

like they those doors open and

53:36

you have to be consistently putting out

53:39

perfectly delicious food for rich assholes who are absolutely ready to

53:41

complain at any single thing and

53:43

they want innovation and this and that. I

53:45

learned all this from chef's table. Oh,

53:48

yeah. I have no stuff. After that, they're not even tasting their food. The

53:51

the food is secondary too. They're having

53:53

a meeting. They're on a date. there,

53:55

you know, the the food you have

53:58

broken your soul, putting that stuff

53:59

on the plate, and there's like, alright. Anyway,

54:02

and then that's Oh, here's the

54:04

k. Here's a a very embarrassing

54:06

example of that. There's a

54:08

restaurant in Culver City called

54:10

Nanaka that was run by this Yabir

54:12

and Nanaka. or you've heard

54:13

of it? No. I I

54:14

know of it from chef stable. Chef stable.

54:17

Yep. And she is a friggin genius,

54:19

and I've eaten there many a time,

54:21

and yes, it's always different every time. And she

54:24

the

54:24

first time I ate there,

54:26

we're we're done with dinner,

54:28

and then she came out and was saying hi, Anishka. Do

54:30

you remember me? I was like,

54:32

wait. I don't think

54:34

so. because I ran a sushi restaurant called Isomie on Melrose

54:36

back in the nineties. That was her first restaurant,

54:38

and it was down the street from

54:41

The one by Wendels, Yes.

54:44

Sunny. That was her

54:46

first restaurant. Oh. Holy. That

54:48

one, I had friends, because I don't eat

54:50

fast because I had friends. membership. Because

54:53

my friends who were lived within walking distance of that

54:55

place were like, we have

54:57

found a secret perfect

55:00

restaurant that no one's in in a middle

55:02

of the winchles, and it's amazing. Yes.

55:04

Yes. Well, because they would No.

55:06

No. I I got it. So this is the embarrassed

55:08

part. And then you can tell me because let me tell you my embarrassing part, and then you tell me what your

55:10

cool friends did, because I did something No. No. I that

55:13

was the whole story. I that

55:15

was my story. There have

55:18

nothing else to add. Every

55:20

Wednesday, I would go to Golden Apple. I

55:22

would take my lunch break when the show's record. Go

55:24

to Golden Apple. Get my stack

55:26

of bring them to a zombie, plop down,

55:28

order my faves, and she was given to

55:30

me and and she goes, you always had your head

55:32

in the comic book, and I

55:34

was eating the best

55:36

sushi in the city and didn't know it because

55:38

I was focused on -- Oh, right. -- now,

55:40

what's Batman doing? You know,

55:42

and, like, like, when it it

55:44

wasn't, like, She got bet she was as amazing as she

55:46

is at Anaka when she was running a

55:48

zombie. The guy that, yes, I think she

55:50

trained under Marc Zihizu, and he

55:52

says in chef

55:54

table, like, well, yeah, I trained her and now she has surpassed

55:56

what I've

55:57

done. Like, he's kinda admits that

55:59

she

55:59

completely eclipsed

56:02

him. and I was just there just reading my books and

56:04

didn't. And but that's what chefs deal with

56:06

all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Remember?

56:08

She remembers every person she's ever

56:12

served. every you know, I don't don't if you've movie with

56:14

Nicholas Cage. No.

56:16

That is an amazing chef

56:20

movie. Nicholas Cage plays this I

56:22

forgot about it. Jeff, he should

56:24

have gotten an Academy Award for

56:26

that movie. But he

56:28

plays a chef that is clearly, like

56:30

you said, Karen, they they kind of

56:32

risk their their mental health

56:34

doing what they do. Yeah. And he's

56:36

clearly someone that has gone off the deep

56:38

end, and he live now

56:39

he lives in the woods, but he's

56:41

this legendary Portland chef that no one ever

56:43

cooked better than any of his lives in the wood with this pet truffle pig.

56:45

And then some some meth head

56:48

steal

56:48

the pig from him

56:50

and the whole movie is him trying to get the

56:52

truffle big back. And he has to go back through the

56:55

restaurant world. And there

56:58

is a I not I can't there's so much I can't

57:00

spoil, but it's that idea

57:02

of the reason he quit doing

57:04

what he

57:05

was doing is because I've reached this

57:07

level of perfection and no one understands what I'm doing so screw this.

57:10

I'm gone.

57:12

Yeah. It's and and there are

57:14

cooking sequences in that movie that you're like, I I

57:16

can't believe I'm saying this. I'm glad you

57:18

reminded me about because I did start

57:20

watching it like, during quarantine and, ma'am, maybe it was a bottle of wine

57:22

or something, but I fell asleep. I didn't ever

57:24

finish it. And I said again yeah.

57:26

I will. So the the

57:29

woman that

57:29

owned that sushi restaurant, was she calling you

57:32

out on, like, you were reading comic books all

57:34

the time, and I or no.

57:36

I'm just because

57:37

I brought so many people to

57:39

Nanauma after I watched that chef's table

57:41

thing. I I put in a call and I

57:43

waited a few months and finally got

57:46

the table. And so I was bringing all these people and I was raving about it. But I

57:48

think she was doing it more in a humorous

57:50

way, but it's like she was she was doing it in

57:52

that tone of, like, welcome to

57:54

my life. Right. III had that place and half the people didn't know

57:56

what they again, we didn't know who we

57:58

were eating sushi from.

58:00

Yeah. Next no. Just next

58:02

level. Also,

58:04

I really like I like the idea of a

58:07

comic book nerd that that sits

58:09

down and and then asks

58:12

the book the question, what's

58:14

Batman

58:14

doing? Let's Batman doing. Man,

58:16

let's take a look. Temic

58:20

button prepared to be enjoyed.

58:22

Yeah. And yeah. I just

58:24

think, oh god, it's

58:26

so pathetic. I can't

58:28

eat. But, yeah, that's

58:30

that's the story of my life. Yes.

58:32

And

58:32

that kind of I think

58:35

I have such wild respect. Almost well, also because chef's table,

58:37

I think, is such a perfectly made TV show.

58:40

Like, goddamn. Yeah. So

58:42

perfectly made.

58:44

But On top of that, I'm the kind of person that literally

58:46

won it every night at six

58:48

forty five when I realized I have to provide

58:50

dinner for myself. I'm surprised and

58:54

upset. Yeah. Every now. It is I literally am,

58:56

like, virgin tears when I can't figure out

58:58

or, like, it's, like, I guess, I'll just eat

59:00

cereal again. Like, it is -- Yeah. --

59:03

it is mental block, so to watch people

59:05

go, like, it's easy. My cousin's like this,

59:07

my cousin's stevia. It's like, it's easy. It's great. You

59:09

have garlic. Look. You have garlic and you have this

59:11

and that's really, like,

59:13

topic blaming it. Just make it. Yeah. I

59:15

can't do it. You heat it

59:18

up. And these

59:18

people that can do with they

59:20

can make something with whatever is

59:23

there. is so beyond my imagining.

59:26

It it it seems like they have have

59:28

superpowers. I don't understand it. For

59:30

real. Yeah.

59:30

Yeah. And and, like, that's going that's

59:32

happening now with my daughter my daughter used to

59:34

be, and I would and and it frustrated me, but

59:36

I didn't realize the advantage I have. She used

59:38

to be a very picky eater. So

59:41

she would have, like, a bit of grilled

59:43

chicken and some broccoli and mac and cheese. So all I had to do was

59:45

learn to make a few items and now

59:47

this past summer her

59:50

palate has exploded, and I have to, like, learn how to cook

59:52

things. So right now, there's a lot

59:54

of door dashing going on. Like, so you

59:55

want to hang on and I

59:58

call that and that comes in.

1:00:00

Yeah. And but I have to learn to,

1:00:02

like, cook other items and it's driving

1:00:04

me crazy.

1:00:06

Yes. because it just because how

1:00:07

do you do that? That's

1:00:08

what I mean. It sounds like we need to take a cooking

1:00:10

class. That's what it sounds like. Yeah.

1:00:12

Well, the

1:00:14

day. The day that

1:00:16

the day that the shutdown happened

1:00:18

for COVID, the day before the

1:00:20

day that that that Friday the thirteenth,

1:00:24

I had

1:00:25

scheduled a sushi cooking

1:00:28

class in the

1:00:30

downtown market. And

1:00:30

but but we we suddenly found out there's

1:00:32

this virus. And I was like, maybe we

1:00:34

shouldn't be handling raw fish for the

1:00:36

bunch of stripers. Let's let's not go to

1:00:39

a wet market. randomized. It's literally, like, I'm I'm taking

1:00:41

myself into the vector of death. And I just said,

1:00:44

yeah. We're gonna cancel this. I'm not

1:00:46

doing it. I I still That

1:00:48

reminds me of the acting client

1:00:50

prepared this scene from chasing Amy

1:00:52

for an acting class I had on

1:00:54

the the night of nine eleven, and I the only one I showed

1:00:57

up ready to have my first

1:00:59

kissing scene with a with a

1:01:01

guy with braces And

1:01:03

I I was like, well, surely, we're

1:01:06

still gonna have the class.

1:01:08

Right? I memorized the

1:01:10

line. We still have to hone our craft.

1:01:12

No one else no one else

1:01:14

came. I

1:01:16

used to

1:01:16

take cooking classes all the time at the new

1:01:18

school in in Culver City. I did a

1:01:20

whole four week Thai cooking class and then

1:01:22

a basic skills class, all of which

1:01:24

I've forgotten. You know, like -- Mhmm. --

1:01:26

knife skills had a like, yeah.

1:01:29

a pair bone of chicken. I I forgot all of it. And I that's

1:01:32

where I met Jetila, who's a

1:01:34

really good chef. But, yeah, I should start doing

1:01:36

that again because it does. I remember it being

1:01:38

very good for me mentally. fully.

1:01:40

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Me to and that was one

1:01:42

of the things during quarantine I

1:01:44

got just through HelloFresh

1:01:46

and having ingredients delivered to me. And I'm like, well, these are gonna go

1:01:48

bad if I don't at least try to use it.

1:01:50

And now I'm not intimidated at

1:01:52

all just

1:01:54

from learning basic things.

1:01:56

Like Karen said, like, you have to have

1:01:58

olive oil and butter and an oven

1:02:00

that doesn't blow a fuse.

1:02:02

So I gotta a toaster oven. The point

1:02:04

is, I learned to cook some stuff, and

1:02:06

it feels good to, like, carry them. Is

1:02:08

there an item you can cook?

1:02:11

Oh, yeah. Like, if you impress

1:02:12

someone, what did you do?

1:02:14

I mean,

1:02:14

Karens have parties and I've they're

1:02:17

Oh, yes. I can make

1:02:18

an appetizer. Yeah. Yeah. I want yeah

1:02:20

once but see, but it's this stuff. And you're

1:02:22

probably familiar with this too. My mom

1:02:25

had all kinds of, like, Campbell

1:02:27

Soup based recipes where she

1:02:29

called them door slammers. And

1:02:31

this is why I can't cut because I'm

1:02:33

in the most room. My mom

1:02:35

for real. My mom was the

1:02:37

head nurse at a mental hospital, and then

1:02:39

she would come home and it would be

1:02:41

seven thirty. She would have called early to say, please clean up the living room before I

1:02:43

get there. We she'd get there. We hadn't

1:02:45

moved. We're still

1:02:48

wearing our Catholic school uniforms laying around and

1:02:50

she'd be like, thanks a lot. And then she'd

1:02:52

have to make dinner and she

1:02:54

was bitter and she didn't like

1:02:56

it and she was not a good cook. So

1:02:58

that you know, forty five minutes

1:03:00

later, the driest

1:03:02

chicken breast dinner rice and brussels sprouts that you

1:03:04

couldn't eat if even if you

1:03:06

were meant to -- Yes. -- was what we

1:03:08

got. That was dinner. So

1:03:10

every night, dinner was this,

1:03:12

like, drudgery. But then

1:03:14

when my dad was home from the firehouse because

1:03:16

you have to cook in the firehouse, he

1:03:18

was basically trained by

1:03:20

firehouse cooks, day. fucking cook anything. Really? Three days

1:03:22

a week, dinner was a dream. And

1:03:24

the other four, it was truly

1:03:26

my mom be like, we're getting Chinese food.

1:03:28

I don't wanna hear of

1:03:30

Maybe, like, we're all for it. Yeah. There's no there's

1:03:32

no fight here. Yeah.

1:03:33

Yeah. Yeah. Call the

1:03:34

one weird Chinese restaurant that

1:03:37

we have in town. Did

1:03:40

your Chinese restaurant in the seventies and eighties?

1:03:42

Did it have has ours had

1:03:44

the American menu on it for because

1:03:47

it hadn't whiteboard you could get a hamburger

1:03:49

or a slice of pizza for the one because

1:03:51

in the summer, like, I don't eat this. Just

1:03:53

get me a hamburger. I didn't want

1:03:55

any of this. some grumpy

1:03:58

uncle. Yeah. Yes.

1:03:59

Yeah. That mine had that too. The

1:04:02

golden pheasant, you'd go and there's a

1:04:04

corner with

1:04:06

American favorites. with a little American

1:04:08

flag and a cartoon of

1:04:10

a guy with a rifle, just get

1:04:12

me this spaghetti and meatball. know

1:04:15

it's I know it's Chef Boyardy. I

1:04:17

don't care. Never tell me.

1:04:19

Did you okay? I have

1:04:20

a question. I haven't done this

1:04:22

yet. in the

1:04:23

lobby of this this hotel does

1:04:25

not have room service. I have a kitchen,

1:04:27

but there's like snack foods, not of what

1:04:29

you're healthy in the lobby. And a little There's a

1:04:31

lot of oreos. Wow. Yeah.

1:04:34

But -- Yeah. -- they do have a couple of

1:04:36

microwavable dinner things. And one thing

1:04:38

they do have And I realized I haven't had this since I was a kid. You just

1:04:40

mentioned your mom cooking for you with a minute rice

1:04:42

in the brussels sprouts. They have rice

1:04:44

seery down there. And I haven't

1:04:46

and I

1:04:48

used to love ricearoni when I was growing up. It was and it

1:04:50

was, again, the and the healthiest thing, eight

1:04:52

thousand, you know, grams of sodium,

1:04:54

something. But

1:04:57

I

1:04:57

I Because I have this

1:04:59

nostalgic memory of it, a few

1:05:01

years ago, I I remembered that, oh, I

1:05:03

used to live those orange hostess cupcakes you

1:05:05

get at the seven eleven, a little -- Yeah. -- hands

1:05:08

of the way. And I and I as a

1:05:10

kid love them. Got them as an adult. They

1:05:12

tasted wrong.

1:05:14

It was clearly all chemicals. There was something, like,

1:05:16

oh, the nostalgia didn't let. And now and

1:05:18

I've been debating since I've been here

1:05:21

Do I go prepare myself a rice oroni? Will

1:05:23

it not be the same thing? Well, I

1:05:25

bet it won't be. I bet it will be a

1:05:27

massive let down. And do you have a kid?

1:05:29

because and you're both gonna think I'm lying, but I have

1:05:31

prepared rice in the coffee maker.

1:05:34

That base gets

1:05:36

pretty hot. you put

1:05:37

a little bit of I've made rice to the

1:05:39

wait. I've prepared the coffee

1:05:42

pot. Just the coffee maker base is

1:05:44

like a hot pot. I've used it

1:05:46

many times. I've used it on frozen burritos. I've cleaned

1:05:48

up my mess. I forgot now that you

1:05:50

said there's a kitchenette, so

1:05:52

I'm I'd like you to ignore

1:05:53

what I'm saying. Don't try

1:05:56

to make rice in the coffee maker. Use the

1:05:58

kitchen mixer. If there I've

1:05:59

I've prepared some meals on the coffee

1:06:02

maker. Yes. That's If you wanna do

1:06:04

an action b film and you're still for La

1:06:06

Quinta and all you have with the coffee

1:06:08

maker, Chris has a recipe for

1:06:10

hobo chili. You mix

1:06:14

it up in

1:06:16

the pillowcase. You take

1:06:19

three framers. You cut a hole in the corner

1:06:21

and squeegee it out. Like, a hole in the Is

1:06:24

it a shower situation or is there a tub?

1:06:26

because I think you gotta get naked,

1:06:28

then you're gonna eat that. You've got great

1:06:30

paper here, my friend. You're

1:06:32

gonna

1:06:32

get one leg of the ironing board. You're gonna

1:06:34

get in there. Open

1:06:37

up the mattress. crawl inside, scream at the top of

1:06:39

your lungs. Yeah. That

1:06:42

that's Yeah. You can you'll be

1:06:46

I would get rice around it just for nostalgia. I would try

1:06:48

it. If I was if I was you, I'd absolutely

1:06:50

use that to justify any

1:06:53

any insane combination of things to eat. But

1:06:55

I bet you, they took out the

1:06:58

MSG, which is big -- Yes. --

1:07:00

70s plus for people.

1:07:02

Right. Right. You're right. You know they've changed. They probably tried to

1:07:04

hip up the spice combo.

1:07:06

Right? Which, like, you know, if you get a if

1:07:08

you get, like, top Brahmin.

1:07:10

It's the exact same top Brahmin from the eighties. They've never changed it because they're

1:07:13

they don't care. Yeah. And I think people always

1:07:15

buy it no matter what. Exactly.

1:07:17

But I think I bet you,

1:07:19

Rice, Erony, was like, you know, we have to

1:07:21

update. Yeah. Some some somebody

1:07:24

inherited the company and made everybody try to

1:07:26

get it. Yeah. We've we've gotten some furiously

1:07:28

written letters that it is not indeed

1:07:30

the San Francisco treat.

1:07:32

Right. There you go.

1:07:36

Yeah. I Got top ramen. I I that that's what

1:07:38

San Francisco in the early nineties was

1:07:40

for me. It was all top ramen.

1:07:42

Top

1:07:43

ramen. top

1:07:44

ramen. Oh, I may I remember we came back from a bar

1:07:47

one time, and I was with my friend Matt and

1:07:49

his friend. I can't remember the

1:07:52

guy's name. And I would we were super drunk, and I was make

1:07:54

us top ramen. They're like, how? And I'm

1:07:56

like, watch this. And they couldn't believe

1:07:59

that I just I made three at one

1:08:01

time. They thought they were like, wow, this is amazing. Like, it was

1:08:03

my recipe where I'm like, yeah, you

1:08:06

just tripled a

1:08:08

while here. It's really easy to meet a bunch of top ramen.

1:08:10

It's exactly the same as making one.

1:08:12

And top ramen and and microwave

1:08:15

burritos for my go to when

1:08:17

I got back to the apartment at

1:08:20

two AM and, like, oh, I better put

1:08:22

something in my stomach or tomorrow's gonna be

1:08:24

bad. Like, I've ever

1:08:26

soaked up some of this greasy those go

1:08:32

to's?

1:08:32

Yeah. You

1:08:33

know, I knew I was and,

1:08:35

Chris, thank you for being patient because I can't talk to without always walking down

1:08:38

memory. I love this such

1:08:42

a specific time. We have so many we have so many formative memories together that I agree with

1:08:44

us. This is like the Margaret

1:08:45

Cho episode where it was kinda fun

1:08:48

that just see

1:08:51

you guys go down. So, don't worry about me. Mhmm. I'm

1:08:54

just I'm watching and listening.

1:08:56

Okay. I

1:08:58

appreciate it. Thanks. Don't leave. No. Don't leave this so

1:09:00

good. No. There was a

1:09:02

grocery store up the street

1:09:04

from when we lived at

1:09:06

Clayton and Waller. Mhmm. And my

1:09:09

rent was three hundred fifty dollars. Holy god. Yeah. So

1:09:11

so I would take some of my I would

1:09:13

peel off some of that gap paycheck and

1:09:15

walk up the hill because

1:09:18

there was a gourmet grocery store

1:09:20

at the top of the hill. I

1:09:23

had no business being in there. I

1:09:25

couldn't make anything. They had, like, imported

1:09:27

hands on cheese. this or that. But

1:09:29

I would go up there and get like a

1:09:31

baguette and some kind

1:09:33

of Irish butter. You know what I mean?

1:09:36

Like, you go up and I'd be like,

1:09:38

I have about

1:09:38

eleven extra dollars. Mhmm. How am I gonna

1:09:41

make this special. And it was because that's San Francisco

1:09:43

was so food oriented -- Yes. It was. --

1:09:48

felt like taking

1:09:48

your money to buy, like, a tall boy and

1:09:50

then a baguette was not weird. No one would think you

1:09:52

were, like, being snobby. There

1:09:54

was, like, you know, this is

1:09:56

this is good bread, and it's right up

1:09:58

the hill. It's a bit much that you're riding in a bicycle with it poking out of a basket,

1:09:59

but we get I put my

1:10:02

beret on it every single time to

1:10:04

just stomp

1:10:06

up the hill. There you go. It

1:10:08

makes me laugh. Like, we were living off the fowl

1:10:10

of the land. In the early nineties, we didn't

1:10:13

realize how good we had it. We

1:10:15

really didn't realize that that was the last time

1:10:17

that you could live on the fringes and not have to

1:10:19

grind twenty four seven and now,

1:10:21

you could still be

1:10:24

a young struggling artists, but you

1:10:26

can't you don't have five hours to just daydream. Like, you better be working on four jobs, and

1:10:29

you're gonna

1:10:32

be Instagraming, and you better, like, something.

1:10:34

And you you gotta have your little tip jar out on your Twitter feed. Like, it's nonstop.

1:10:36

There's no one coming

1:10:38

to help. There's no relief.

1:10:41

There's no baguettes in your future.

1:10:43

There's no baguettes. Yeah. And and

1:10:45

we have just three fifty a

1:10:48

month.

1:10:48

Three fifty. That's insane. Insane. I

1:10:50

mean,

1:10:50

we had three roommates, but it was a it was a first floor of Victorian. That's her

1:10:52

bedroom. neighbors.

1:10:55

Yeah. I I just I

1:10:58

just went up there and I was walking we're walking

1:11:00

the daughter through the neighborhood because I I down

1:11:03

the little guide. I'm like, that's

1:11:05

where the grateful dead lived. That's where Charles

1:11:07

Manson lived. That's where, like, just pointing out

1:11:09

all these -- Yeah. -- Victorian houses. And

1:11:11

so yeah. That that but yeah.

1:11:13

But you can't do that anymore.

1:11:15

No. We don't wanna get through to do it. Charles Banton had a

1:11:17

nice house? Yeah. Why? He he

1:11:20

lived in a one

1:11:22

of his problems. He was You you

1:11:24

can what I'm that's what

1:11:26

I'm saying. You could be a struggling musician back then and live in a nice Victorian,

1:11:29

you know? That's

1:11:31

great musician. Exactly. a

1:11:34

great struggling musician. I live with

1:11:36

six or seven other murderers.

1:11:39

But we we have ter

1:11:42

a torrid We have turrets. Yeah.

1:11:44

Yeah. Oh, the Wayne's got it alone. The fuck the

1:11:46

Wayne's got it. Don't even get it started. Wales.

1:11:51

Patton,

1:11:51

your how's your your

1:11:53

comment? Is it minor

1:11:55

threats? Minor threats? Yeah. I've

1:11:57

heard Yeah. Yeah. How did

1:11:59

that end

1:11:59

up happening? This my

1:12:02

writing partner, the guy that we

1:12:03

I wrote Modock with for Hulu, we

1:12:06

I had this idea for

1:12:10

a Batman story, basically. And then

1:12:12

it hit me, why? because I've written for DC

1:12:14

and Marvel, but I'm like, I'm busting my

1:12:16

ass, writing other people's IPs. Why don't we

1:12:19

just do a creator owned thing and just stay in control of it.

1:12:21

And so we went to Dark Horse, which is

1:12:23

a smaller company, but they let

1:12:26

the creators own their stuff.

1:12:28

And it it just we just ran with it. It's

1:12:30

this and it's doing really well. We're That's awesome. Right?

1:12:32

Yeah. I didn't know you

1:12:35

had already written comment. books.

1:12:37

So you already were totally in that world. Yeah. But but the the world I

1:12:39

was in was, you know, DC, hey, do you wanna

1:12:42

write a Batman story? Hey, do you wanna

1:12:44

write you

1:12:47

know, an x men story. Hey. And I'm like,

1:12:49

yes, obviously. But but

1:12:51

doing something from scratch

1:12:53

from the ground up, was completely

1:12:56

something else for me. And it

1:12:58

really, really was, like, oh, I get

1:13:00

to control this whole world. I

1:13:02

can just tell So I can do flashbacks within world or

1:13:04

side stories. We can slowly

1:13:06

populate this this imaginary place.

1:13:08

It's great. And you must

1:13:11

have said to yourself What's

1:13:13

Batman doing? Right. He's just at the attic. No. With his bed, baby.

1:13:16

He's been

1:13:20

doing it. that

1:13:23

had to be something where

1:13:24

you're imagining, like, the the fifteen

1:13:26

year old version of yourself looking into

1:13:28

the the future and thinking, oh my

1:13:30

god, I end up being so cool.

1:13:33

Well Right. Or thinking back what what really helps when you write comics? I think when

1:13:35

you write anything, you flash back to your

1:13:37

fifteen year old self. It

1:13:40

was like, what was

1:13:42

the cool stuff that I wasn't seeing that I wanted to see, and that's what you put into your work. Oh, right. Why don't show

1:13:44

this? And then so

1:13:46

you show that? I mean,

1:13:50

that that's the whole basis

1:13:52

of Star Wars was George Lucas watching flashboarding going,

1:13:54

well, don't the aliens, like, get together and

1:13:56

have a drink at the end of the

1:13:59

day? Can't, like, those together amazing. You know? Yeah.

1:14:01

Oh, wow. And you remembered those things

1:14:03

that you wished for when you were

1:14:05

really angry. I remember that. Oh, then,

1:14:07

like, what happens when Superhero

1:14:09

does this or this and that all that kinda but if, like,

1:14:11

comics now are so expand

1:14:14

like like,

1:14:16

I my comment reading, it's such

1:14:18

a tiny slice of superhero comments in the restaurant. Just these amazing stories about

1:14:20

the world and about

1:14:22

people. There's these writers doing

1:14:26

genuinely incredible

1:14:28

speculative that there's a gray one

1:14:30

that I'm right now called eight

1:14:33

billion genies. And basically, one

1:14:36

day, everyone wakes up and every

1:14:38

single all eight billion people

1:14:40

on earth have their

1:14:42

own personal genie. an all powerful genie. And the genie goes,

1:14:44

I will grant you one wish.

1:14:46

So everyone at the same time

1:14:49

gets to wish for one thing. Now there

1:14:52

are crazy people out there. There are racists

1:14:54

out there. There so the world just

1:14:57

starts going insane because everyone starts

1:15:00

wishing it once. Some people are smart to go, I'm

1:15:02

gonna hold back for a second and wait. I'm gonna

1:15:04

wait to use. I'm gonna see how this

1:15:06

shakes out. other people like immediately, I want a corvette,

1:15:08

and they have like a a corvette,

1:15:10

but then someone else has wished them

1:15:13

to be dead. So it doesn't really matter,

1:15:15

like, you don't. then world it's just it's so

1:15:17

brilliant how they do stuff like

1:15:19

that. Yeah. That's that's

1:15:22

so cool. It's

1:15:23

called the billion genius. Eight

1:15:25

billion genius. And god.

1:15:28

So and there's

1:15:30

another one I this guy, he's Elliot

1:15:33

Kanan. No. I'm mispronouncing

1:15:34

his name. Used to

1:15:36

be a daily show writer.

1:15:39

He wrote this amazing comic called maniac of

1:15:41

New York. And the whole basis of the comic is

1:15:43

in, like, nineteen eighty five New Year's

1:15:45

Eve, a Jason Voorhees type, this

1:15:48

masked guy, They

1:15:51

call him,

1:15:52

like, homicide Harry or something like that. Maniac

1:15:54

Harry. He's got a cocky mask on

1:15:56

and a big coat and he pops

1:15:58

up in Times Square in die

1:15:59

he disappears.

1:16:03

And then every few

1:16:06

months since then, he couple and Manhattan

1:16:12

just adjusted

1:16:14

to

1:16:14

it. And I was like, well, there was a maniac, Harry Siding tonight in Chelsea,

1:16:16

so maybe go home early. And otherwise, the

1:16:18

weather this weekend is gonna be great. Like,

1:16:23

Yeah. And and it's ridiculous as it is. The obvious thing you

1:16:25

think about is

1:16:26

think of the mass shootings

1:16:28

we have every

1:16:31

day and nothing stops. everything stops anymore. We're just

1:16:33

like, well, they take like, when you see it at the

1:16:35

name of a town trending on Twitter,

1:16:37

they're like, oh, there was

1:16:39

a mass shooting. Some people were

1:16:41

just shot and were in business as usual. Or overturning Roe

1:16:43

v Wade. And then

1:16:46

suddenly, it's like, let's raise

1:16:49

money to have women shipped out of

1:16:51

the state where it was overturned? No. Let's fucking grab

1:16:53

weapons and go somewhere

1:16:55

with that, like, No.

1:16:58

Don't turn over that quickly. Yeah. So fucking frustrated. For the current ignoring

1:17:00

ignoring that COVID is

1:17:01

still here and everyone's decided it

1:17:04

isn't that that's

1:17:07

another Not here. Yeah. Like but but it's showing you how

1:17:10

and and this is a scary thing people

1:17:12

will

1:17:15

adjust to anything. Yeah. Anything. They someone

1:17:17

I forgot who tweeted it, but it's, like, when I saw the the the adventurous

1:17:20

movies with a snap and

1:17:22

half the people disappear, and then

1:17:25

that make everyone comes back and and life it just goes on

1:17:27

because I thought that was so ridiculous until we went through two years of COVID. And I'm like,

1:17:29

oh, yeah. That's exactly what

1:17:31

we would do. Yep.

1:17:34

or four years of Trump, of of

1:17:36

of this man just making a

1:17:39

mockery of leadership, and, like, encouraging

1:17:41

fucking being racist and being pieces of shit and being rapists, like, what

1:17:44

the fuck kind

1:17:46

of life changer? It's

1:17:48

like, It's

1:17:50

almost good we had a quarantine after that.

1:17:52

It's like everybody take a deep breath for two years. Yeah.

1:17:54

Let's really think about some stuff and, like, let's get

1:17:59

strategic. Sorry. The two thousand nineteen is gonna last for a

1:18:01

while. Yeah. Well, this is gonna be a

1:18:03

long one, guys. Yeah. So that so

1:18:06

long that idea of how quickly can

1:18:08

you adjust to things. And

1:18:10

again, it also makes you think back on history. Why didn't Jewish people immediately

1:18:12

leave Germany? Well,

1:18:15

why didn't we Why didn't I elite

1:18:18

immediately leave America? It doesn't seem to be getting any better, but I'm hanging on. So -- Yeah. -- you

1:18:20

know, there's that very chilling phrase. I

1:18:22

forgot who said it, but it was like,

1:18:26

The

1:18:27

optimists went

1:18:28

to the gas chambers and

1:18:30

the pessimists went to America. Yeah.

1:18:32

You Wow.

1:18:35

Yeah. So let's say, how optimistic

1:18:37

should I stay? Right. I know. It's a little and I

1:18:39

have

1:18:39

friends that that are very openly

1:18:43

just Like, they're putting it on their Instagram. There I am. I'm up

1:18:45

in Vancouver. Look at a property. The New

1:18:47

York work from up here. There's

1:18:49

there's acting work up here.

1:18:51

I'm fine. Yeah.

1:18:52

Yeah. And I'm like, what the hell

1:18:54

am I doing? Well, thanks for being

1:18:55

on the show today. Hey. Thanks for being

1:18:57

on your last episode.

1:18:59

Good

1:18:59

luck. Lien. I

1:19:02

wait for you for a moment. Oh, there's by the way, they're the

1:19:04

same. there Sorry.

1:19:10

We just watch Karen get

1:19:12

mold and they don't feel like, well, add another

1:19:14

thing to the list. We just adjust.

1:19:17

Come on. We got it. They're wrapped

1:19:19

up. Mailchimp is a wonderful

1:19:21

service to be used.

1:19:23

And let's not forget about

1:19:26

Blue Apron. blue apron. Oh, what kind of doggy

1:19:28

do you have? Blossom, she's

1:19:30

just a a little terrier,

1:19:32

you know, mud that I just got.

1:19:34

I thought she was other -- Mhmm. -- is

1:19:36

fifteen. And he had to go to the vet today,

1:19:38

so she's by herself for the first

1:19:42

time. So I had her locked out for, like, the first forty five minutes,

1:19:45

and then I heard a a

1:19:47

single solitary cry. So I was, like,

1:19:49

fine. You can come in. And, of course, So

1:19:51

she does this thing or she gets up on the desk.

1:19:53

And then there's nobody

1:19:54

in this neighborhood

1:19:55

really, but every once in a while,

1:19:58

somebody will walk their dog by and she

1:20:00

goes fucking dessert because she's, like, up

1:20:02

on the desk. Like, this is my spot. I'm watching out for everybody. So so she was

1:20:04

being cool for

1:20:07

a while, but then then

1:20:09

the dog walks by -- Yep.

1:20:11

-- and then she's, like, she's, like, so

1:20:13

adorable. Sorry about that. No. That's cool. That's

1:20:15

that's that's awesome. There's

1:20:17

a science fiction novel called The Man in The High Castle, and there it's where

1:20:19

the Nazis have won World War two, and and

1:20:22

they have Yeah. So

1:20:25

Germany and Japan have annexed America and split it up into

1:20:27

two territories, and everyone has adjusted, and they're just

1:20:29

trying to live as best

1:20:31

they can. They one

1:20:33

of the big industries in America

1:20:36

is selling old memorabilia, old, like

1:20:38

western memorabilia Mickey Mouse stuff to German

1:20:40

tourists. because we become

1:20:42

this charming little tourist spot. So we sell off pieces of our history. But there's this great

1:20:44

throwaway line about

1:20:47

how did

1:20:47

you hear

1:20:50

Bob Hope's broadcast last night. They're like, oh,

1:20:52

I don't I can't get the frequency sometimes. Is

1:20:54

he still in Vancouver? Is he still he's still

1:20:56

on the run. Right? Like, yeah. He was

1:20:58

he was doing it out of Ottawa.

1:21:01

because they're like they killed all the

1:21:03

Jewish comedians. They killed all the Jews. And Bob Hope fled the country and has become

1:21:06

this Lenny Bruce type

1:21:09

doing dangerous comedy, making fun of the fuhrer, and -- Wow. -- and

1:21:11

and and Hirohito. And he's, like,

1:21:14

that's the world he is

1:21:16

where like,

1:21:18

try to pick up Bob Hope's pirate broadcast tonight.

1:21:20

Wow. Rather than being the reality

1:21:22

of him being the USO

1:21:25

founder. Yeah. Yeah. one show

1:21:27

next wait here. Yeah. No. He he basically becomes

1:21:29

like this this outlaw

1:21:31

vigilante type. It's

1:21:33

really cool. I gotta read that or watch

1:21:36

the show or do something

1:21:38

other than enjoy the soundtrack,

1:21:40

which is a great soundtrack if

1:21:42

you wanna hear back to some some

1:21:44

standard classics. Mhmm. Yeah. But yeah. I I've

1:21:47

I'm excited. I'm gonna get I

1:21:51

hopefully, I can redeem my one hundred dollar coupon that I

1:21:54

still have for meltdown. Wait, what?

1:21:56

Let's

1:21:56

for

1:21:58

you. I know I never

1:21:59

redeemed it. No. I know I never got

1:22:02

it. But I wanna get your comic book

1:22:04

and everyone should

1:22:07

watch patents do special We all

1:22:09

scream. Right? We all scream. We're running Netflix right now.

1:22:11

Yeah. I'm I'm halfway through. I'm gonna we're gonna

1:22:13

hang up and I'm gonna get

1:22:15

more of you. Well, I

1:22:17

actually have to go because and this is actually happening. I just got a text.

1:22:20

I have

1:22:23

to go down to the lobby and

1:22:25

get COVID tested because I am shooting tomorrow. So that is what I'm going when

1:22:28

we get off this practice. I'm

1:22:30

gonna get a swab up my

1:22:32

nose. woo.

1:22:34

Well -- Well, in other way. --

1:22:36

I can tell just by talking to you

1:22:38

that you're a hundred percent in all kinds. Yeah.

1:22:40

I've become a doctor. Like a lot of

1:22:43

people, I've become in the past couple Yeah. You're fine. You're fine.

1:22:45

Well, thank you for making time while you're on

1:22:47

the road. That was very nice

1:22:49

of you because that's a real pain in I'm a big fan

1:22:51

of the show, so glad I finally got to do it. So thanks, guys.

1:22:54

Oh, okay. This is your first time. Is my

1:22:56

first time. And

1:22:58

I know that you the

1:23:00

hiatus for a while. You weren't doing

1:23:02

it for a while. Right? Right. Yeah. Yeah.

1:23:03

Because, you know why? Right. Because during COVID,

1:23:06

no one needed a

1:23:08

ride. Now -- No. -- they did

1:23:10

not need a ride. And so we hope today you've enjoyed this ride to your

1:23:12

to your hotel where it's

1:23:14

Clearly, hiding in Santa Cruz. COVID

1:23:17

test. Yeah. Exactly. Taking a ride down to my COVID test. Alright, guys. Great. see

1:23:19

you. Yeah. You're welcome. just

1:23:22

see you too. See you guys.

1:23:26

You've been listening to Do you need a ride?

1:23:28

DYNAR

1:23:32

This has

1:23:32

been an exactly right

1:23:35

production. Produced by Anneli Snelson. Mixed by

1:23:37

John Bradley. Our talent booker

1:23:39

is Patrick Cottner.

1:23:41

Theme song by Karen Colbert. Art worked

1:23:43

by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show

1:23:45

on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at

1:23:48

dine r podcast. That's

1:23:50

DYNAR

1:23:52

podcast. For more information,

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go to media Thank Oh, you're

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welcome.

1:23:56

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survey. It's

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hard to imagine losing a loved

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many, it's their biggest fear. I'm

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Marissa Jones, host of The Vanished. A

1:24:36

podcast that tells us stories of

1:24:38

often overlooked and unsolved missing

1:24:41

persons cases. Every

1:24:42

week, I dive into a

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