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You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music

1:46

or Wondery app. Hello, Do You Need

1:48

Ride Fans? It's Christopher James Fairbanks

1:51

letting you know about a few shows I have coming

1:53

up here in May on the 10th. Brooklyn,

1:55

New York, I'll be at the Bell House. If you live

1:58

in New York, please go to that. I'm very excited

2:01

about it. And then the next night, the 11th, I'll

2:03

be in Jammin' Java, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, in

2:06

Vienna, Virginia, that's near DC.

2:09

Closing out this little run, I'll be at City

2:11

Winery this time in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

2:14

Please go to chrisfairbanks.com for tickets.

2:17

Thank you, and you're welcome. ["We

2:20

Wish

2:20

You A Merry Christmas"] Are you leaving,

2:23

are you on your way back

2:25

home? Either way, we wanna be

2:28

there. Doesn't

2:30

matter how much baggage you claim,

2:33

give us time and aid, terminal

2:36

and gate. We

2:38

wanna send you off in style.

2:42

We wanna welcome you back home.

2:46

Tell us all about it. Were you scared

2:49

or was it fine? Mouth

2:52

horn. Do

3:04

you need a ride? Do

3:08

you need a ride? Do

3:11

you need a ride? Do

3:14

you need a ride? Do you

3:16

need a ride? Do you need

3:19

a ride? Do you need a ride?

3:22

Do you need a ride? A

3:26

ride.

3:28

Uh, with Karen and Chris.

3:33

Welcome to Do You Need a Ride. This is Chris

3:36

Fairbanks. And this is Karen

3:38

Kilgariff. Hello Karen, I feel

3:40

like I haven't seen you in days. Just

3:42

mere days. Yeah, I saw you in real

3:45

life. I know, that was incredible.

3:48

It had been more than a year. That's

3:50

what a lot of people don't know. That's

3:52

hilarious. Is that not

3:55

true? I don't think it's true, but it

3:57

isn't. But it can't be far

3:59

off. because it's been

4:02

so long. But it was very fun. And

4:04

I, you know, after

4:07

it was on the heels of that diet, I had

4:09

this, the best cheeses. Uh,

4:13

it was my first day off of that damn thing.

4:16

And I, I, I still feel great though.

4:18

I had a little cheese, big deal. Still

4:21

haven't drank. I think I haven't without going

4:23

through any sort of program, I tricked myself

4:25

into not drinking anymore.

4:27

That's good. Yeah. You can't, you don't

4:29

need a program if you can do it based on

4:32

just purely how you feel and you feel

4:34

that much of an improvement. That's why sometimes

4:37

those, uh, and here at Do You Need a Ride,

4:39

we do not endorse dieting in any way.

4:42

Right. Except if you have arthritic

4:45

inflammation. Exactly. Um,

4:47

some kind of a, you know, gastrointestinal

4:50

issue, whatever.

4:51

We only approve of dieting for medical

4:54

purposes. Yeah. Or

4:56

if you just feel shitty and that is somehow going to...

4:59

They understand. I felt

5:01

medically, uh, shitty. And

5:03

now I feel terrific. My brain works

5:05

better. That's the one thing I noticed

5:08

once I started doing standup, I was like,

5:10

I was remembering all my jokes and that

5:13

made me realize, oh, I'm usually

5:15

kind of drunk by

5:17

the second show, just out of habit. And

5:20

that was a weird realization. All

5:22

of my shows went well. I thought that just

5:24

with standup, you had to have a couple bad

5:26

shows. But I think it was me.

5:29

Well, I think these are the

5:31

kinds of things we adapt to. First of all, I

5:33

became a standup comedian because

5:35

I was an alcoholic and it was the perfect, like,

5:38

uh, thing to... It wasn't

5:41

a hobby, it was more than a hobby. It

5:43

was like something I was really trying to do. But

5:45

at the same time, it was the perfect setup to be like, well,

5:48

if I don't have a drink in my hand, that's weird. I'll

5:50

be the weird one.

5:51

Especially, yeah, you're getting paid on drinks

5:54

when you first start. Yes. And

5:56

also it's like, I could have chosen to be a lighter

5:58

and I could have been a librarian, but... You know, that

6:00

didn't get me closer to my, the

6:02

drink quotient that I wanted to be reaching

6:05

every single night. Although I do remember my high school

6:07

librarian did have a flask in

6:09

her drawer. So you can still

6:11

party with the class. Yeah, I guess that's true.

6:13

I think it, depending on the school you

6:15

work at, you probably want to, but,

6:18

you know. There was a lot of teachers

6:20

with flasks. Yeah, yeah.

6:23

Yeah, well. We support teachers drinking

6:26

anytime they want, day or night. Exactly,

6:29

whatever makes- As long as you're not hitting anybody.

6:31

Yeah, exactly.

6:32

As long as it makes

6:34

you an I.R.E. teacher. If

6:38

you get I.R.E. with it, we support

6:40

you. Definitely do it after work

6:42

at Down at Applebeasts, for sure. Yeah,

6:44

of course. Please. Speaking

6:48

of island vibes, I'm

6:50

very excited about our guest today.

6:52

Yep. Yeah. The perfect segue. Yes,

6:55

I mean, they just flow out of me.

6:57

Yeah, you get it. Yeah, I totally

6:59

get it. It's always there. You

7:02

know, I'm from clubs and colleges across

7:05

the country.

7:06

Writer, podcaster, hilarious

7:09

comedian. Everyone put your ears together

7:11

for Tess Barker. Hi, guys.

7:13

Hi, Tess. Hi, Tess.

7:16

Hello, hello. How's it going?

7:18

You know, pretty good. TBH?

7:22

It sounded like you were being H, and

7:25

I appreciate that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I try to keep

7:27

it H, Karen. Good. That's

7:29

nice. Because you had almost felt like a discovery as

7:32

you were saying it. Like pretty good, actually.

7:34

Yeah. Well, because I feel like today kind

7:37

of felt like that day, because it got like warm today,

7:39

and so it kind of feels like the first day where I'm like pretty

7:41

good. Like,

7:42

I had an Italian sub for

7:45

lunch. I've been listening to Jewel all day. Right.

7:48

Warm. Pretty good.

7:50

Yeah. That was a real no

7:52

complaints day right there, when you just described.

7:57

That sounds like me in 91. Yeah,

7:59

exactly. You just said

8:02

that was like a time machine. I forgot

8:04

about Jewel. I know every three

8:07

years I remember about her and I'm so glad I did. And

8:10

I was actually, Karen, when I was listening to her, I was like,

8:12

you kind of have a, you remind me of Jewel a little bit. Like,

8:14

you guys both have that like clear folk thing.

8:16

Thank you. I

8:19

have to be honest right now and say that in my, in

8:22

my,

8:22

I would say my sophomore year of comedy, um,

8:26

I went in pretty hard on the Lola Fair just

8:28

because that was what you're supposed to do. The time is about

8:30

being contrary and calling out things.

8:33

And so a lot of that chunk

8:35

of comedy, I talked about Jewel

8:38

and in a mean way. And I did, it

8:40

does make me feel guilty now because that

8:43

was back when comedy truly could only exist in

8:46

the one moment you did it and never again, unless

8:48

somebody was videotaping, which they almost never

8:51

were, unless you paid them $20.

8:52

So I do

8:55

have like any time anyone

8:57

even brings up Jewel, I feel guilty

8:59

because it's really mean. Wow.

9:02

But I mean, I think you can be absolved now. No

9:04

one needed to know that.

9:06

You're right. I'm just, I'm putting it

9:08

out there as a like, get this out of me and

9:10

so we don't have to talk about it anymore. It's the Catholic

9:12

thing. Sean does that to me all the time. Like he confesses

9:15

his like food to me. Uh-huh.

9:17

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

9:19

I hope like I had six wings and then bacon like

9:21

on my sandwich. I'm like, six hell Mary's?

9:24

I... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What's

9:26

the answer? What's the answer to that, to that

9:28

amount of wings? Right. It does feel good though.

9:31

I love coming clean about stuff. It feels, then

9:33

it's your like, okay, like now I'm done with

9:35

that. Yeah, you hang the light on it.

9:37

Yeah, come all the way clean and tell

9:39

this Jewel joke. It's not on

9:41

YouTube. I just searched. No,

9:43

you don't. Uh-huh. Literally,

9:46

I could not remember. I'd talk about her having a baby,

9:48

talking like a baby.

9:50

And then I'm sure it was something that

9:52

led to pedophilia. Okay. Oh,

9:54

right. Yeah. Oh, I got to

9:57

get to baby talk. Yeah, because

9:59

she lived in a... van for a while. I get

10:01

it. I get it. It

10:04

was just, you know, I feel like

10:06

early 90s comedy, there was just a lot of wild

10:09

swings at whoever was like on a magazine

10:11

at the time. Yeah. It's just

10:13

like what we were all doing. Yeah.

10:15

And Lilith Fair was easy to make fun

10:17

of, unfortunately. But then like looking back,

10:20

it slapped. Completely. Like,

10:22

I mean, oh my God. And also that was

10:24

all I just caught some somebody

10:27

just retweeted something, a video

10:29

of it and it was Sarah McLaughlin was the one that

10:31

did it all because she was so sick of like all

10:34

these female

10:36

musicians were like killing it in the charts, but

10:38

they were just constantly being compared to each other and

10:40

like, oh, well, if you're here, aren't

10:42

you mad at so and so it was like all

10:44

that bullshit,

10:45

you know, it was just

10:48

moments ago. It was so much more

10:50

hideously sexist and anti-woman,

10:53

even,

10:54

you know, just like women doing

10:56

it to women, myself included men

10:58

doing it to it. It was just like crazy. You couldn't

11:01

succeed enough without somebody coming along

11:03

to be like,

11:04

hey, you're just one of those girls or whatever.

11:06

So her explaining it of the

11:08

whole Lilith Fair thing, which is like, couldn't

11:11

you have worked up that name a little bit? That's

11:13

the problem. And the font, if we're being honest.

11:15

I

11:18

think it was like it's very like giving like Celtic

11:21

Fair. Yeah. Yeah. There

11:23

had to be a Celtic knot in there. Yeah.

11:26

And then there was some sort of enya, pointing

11:29

to enya style, you know, lowercase,

11:31

a long white tail on the Y

11:34

type of vibe.

11:35

Can I tell you guys? Faded

11:37

tattoo. I haven't. I guess I don't know

11:39

what my I guess I'm just going through a 90s thing right now, but

11:41

I have a neighbor who has a bumper sticker that says

11:43

I'd rather be crying to enya. And I

11:46

just want to find out who this person

11:48

is and befriend them. Yeah.

11:51

That

11:51

is so specific. That's like

11:53

someone that they had to have that bumper sticker

11:56

man. Right? Yeah.

11:58

What if it turns out it's just brandy poses? You're

12:00

like, oh, you're already friends with her. 15 years I

12:02

never knew Posey was an Inya head. No,

12:06

she's crying to real big fish. Yeah. And

12:09

less than Jake. Crying

12:11

to Scott, that's disturbing.

12:14

Oh, my God, I'd rather be crying to you. And

12:16

yeah, here's what I love is when people, there

12:18

was one that went viral that somebody took.

12:22

It looked like they were behind them in the

12:24

Starbucks drive-through line or whatever. And it said, tell

12:27

your cat. I said, pss, pss, pss. Which

12:30

is the fucking funniest bumper sticker of all

12:32

time. It was so good.

12:35

Yeah, that's incredible. People

12:38

are funny. I know. I used to just

12:40

think it was me and my friends and maybe eight other people.

12:43

You had to do stand-up to be funny.

12:44

And it's like, here's

12:46

the sad news. Everybody's funny. Yeah, yeah, it's

12:48

true. That guy at the bar that's like, everyone says I'm

12:50

funny. Stand-up likes to be like, don't do stand-up. You're not

12:52

funny. He's funny. He

12:55

is funny. The drunk guy at the bar is funny. No one's funnier

12:57

than my grandpa. I

13:00

was talking to my grandpa's 92 and I was talking to him like,

13:03

he was telling me about this trip. He went on to Mexico

13:05

a few years ago. I said, did you see the ruins when

13:07

you were in Mexico? And he just went,

13:09

the only ruins around were me. Yes.

13:15

High five. Yeah. I

13:18

love grandpas joking about partying. Exactly.

13:22

Did you guys see that video when the lady,

13:25

some lady ran up onto like a

13:27

Mayan temple and

13:30

everybody there started screaming. It was

13:32

like, it's so, you know, obviously a

13:34

sacred site and so being preserved and

13:36

all that stuff. And some lady tried,

13:39

ran halfway up to try to like get her picture

13:41

or whatever. And the entire group

13:43

that was there, just people just started screaming

13:45

at her. It's, look that one

13:47

up. It's amazing. That sounds like

13:50

a really, did she succeed in taking the picture

13:52

or is it like when a model falls?

13:54

She, it was, it

13:57

was kind of far away. So I'm, you know, Somebody

14:00

was videoing it, but everyone

14:02

was, because that's the only thing you're looking at, is this

14:04

big temple in front of you that's been

14:06

there for like, you know, a thousand

14:09

years or more. But

14:11

what was great is just there's people

14:13

yelling at her in Spanish, people yelling at her

14:15

in English. It was just like everyone there was just like,

14:17

you're disgusting, like how

14:19

dare you? I can't remember if she was trying

14:22

to selfie it or what the situation

14:24

was, but it was people were having

14:26

none of it.

14:27

Yeah. It was amazing. Those

14:29

were like not standard steps. Like

14:31

you have, that's a lot of efforting. Those

14:33

are like Mayan

14:35

height steps. Yes. Yeah.

14:38

For like rituals. Yeah.

14:40

Yes. There's a real

14:42

effort she put into breaking all the rules and

14:44

getting up there. And then just basically, I think

14:48

you can get charged with a crime if you

14:50

do that. Yeah. There's all kinds

14:52

of stuff. I would hope.

14:54

Yeah. And also just bad juju probably, like of

14:56

all the places. Yes. Like. Sacred

15:00

ground. Yeah. It reminds

15:02

me of the time I was at Glacier Park and they do

15:04

have signs off the trail.

15:06

The trail is like a wooden deck that

15:08

you walk up, but

15:09

it's a protected tundra. The

15:12

weird tundra is on all these signs,

15:14

but I saw a ground square

15:16

or a marmot, I think it's called. Oh.

15:19

They're great. They have great posture

15:22

and they yell at you and they have buck teeth and they're

15:24

pretty cute. But a bird was like, had

15:26

this guy pinned down and he was pecking

15:28

at him. So I went to break

15:31

up the bird and marmot fight because

15:32

he was shrieking horribly. And

15:35

some lady yelled at me for stepping on the

15:37

tundra. And I was like, wait, you're

15:39

putting these, it's just weeds, truly

15:42

occurring weeds. You care more about that

15:44

than these animal? I was trying to get the bird or

15:46

chase it away at least.

15:48

And she confirmed that she cared more about

15:51

the tundra than this marmot. Wow.

15:54

Yeah. Maybe she was defending

15:56

the natural order like you can't be.

15:59

defending that Marmot now he's too weak to be

16:02

existing on the tundra. Right. She

16:04

just didn't have a place in her heart for animals,

16:06

but she did for plants. But

16:08

like, I don't think, Chris, that you like

16:11

that story tells me that you could not

16:13

be a videographer for Planet Earth

16:15

because you got to just

16:18

let it be. I know I can't.

16:20

That was nothing was a

16:22

more natural occurrence than that bird

16:24

attacking it. And then I come in

16:26

with my clothes and

16:28

my unused camera and

16:31

I try and

16:32

break it up. We saw when I was

16:34

in Vancouver, we saw some killer whales

16:36

kill a seal. And like everyone

16:39

else that we were with loved it, but I just I couldn't.

16:42

I didn't. They loved it? I

16:44

was the only person on the boat

16:46

that was like, this is deeply disturbing. Was

16:49

it a bunch of heavy metal dudes? It

16:51

was like family from the kipsy.

16:54

It was like, yeah, I mean, it was

16:56

cool seeing the killer whales like up that close

16:58

and like when they would come out of the water and do flips

17:01

and stuff. Yeah, of course. That was cool.

17:04

But blood squirting out, it's

17:06

not majestic. I would have questioned

17:10

those people on the boat are nuts.

17:11

Well, and actually, well, OK, I'll

17:13

tell you, it's not that bloody. How they

17:15

do it is actually a little bit more disturbing. They were

17:18

teaching the baby how to kill and

17:20

how they do it is they stun the seal.

17:23

And so they kill it and they like put it into

17:25

a coma first and then they knock it around like a

17:27

volleyball for a while. Like with their

17:29

tails. Yeah. And

17:31

then they take it down and they eat

17:33

it down deep. Wow.

17:36

Yeah. Wow. It starts with head trauma.

17:39

Yeah. Wow. But that's nice because then

17:41

it's there's a it's there's mercy at

17:43

the beginning. Sure. It's not because

17:46

here's what's interesting. I just heard.

17:50

And here's the kind of world we're starting

17:52

to live in. I don't know if I

17:55

saw this on TikTok, if I heard it on

17:57

a podcast, if I dreamed

17:59

it. if I left on Animal Planet and

18:01

went to sleep and drink. So this is

18:03

not verifiable at the moment. But,

18:06

and also I'm not giving credit

18:08

to the people I heard it from, which I

18:10

apologize for, but whoever, they're two

18:13

people, so I bet you it was a podcast. They

18:15

were talking about how orcas are

18:17

now killing sharks. So orcas

18:20

are the apex predator of

18:22

the world. Those people

18:24

that were cheering on those

18:27

orcas, were doing it in a very sea world

18:29

based way when in

18:29

truth they were like, that is

18:32

the ultimate monster. Because orcas have

18:34

started to kill great white sharks

18:37

by eating their liver and

18:39

that's it.

18:40

Because the liver is the most, again,

18:43

this needs, Annelise,

18:46

if you wouldn't mind trying to verify this

18:48

in some way, but it's basically they're

18:51

becoming so good at hunting

18:53

that now they're like, I've hunted you and

18:55

this is all I need from you because there's so

18:57

many nutrients and things in that liver that

19:00

if we just eat this, that's plenty.

19:02

I'm gonna, I have to see the orca

19:04

surgery where they isolate and extract

19:07

just the liver. How? Right?

19:09

That's insane. It's like that Audrey's

19:12

tattoo movie where they like, maybe they sell

19:14

the rest on the black market in the ocean. Like

19:16

maybe another animal selling shark brain

19:19

down in the Mexican Gulf. Yes,

19:22

that's right. Shark fins.

19:25

Wow. I really,

19:27

I'm actually, I desperately

19:29

want to go diving with great whites

19:32

and I found a place in Mexico

19:34

that I was gonna do it and they just went out of business.

19:37

And why did they go out of business?

19:39

Because someone got eaten a

19:41

thousand percent. No,

19:45

nobody got eaten. A couple of sharks

19:47

may have gotten harmed by digging

19:49

their noses into the cages, which

19:51

is kind of problematic, but I actually,

19:53

from the article I read, it actually sounds like it was

19:56

the fishermen in the area kind of being dicks

19:58

to the shark people.

19:59

Okay. Well, this headline that Anneliese

20:02

forwarded kind answers my surgery

20:04

question, and it's absolutely horrifying.

20:08

It says, Discover how killer whales

20:10

squeeze out great white livers

20:13

like toothpaste. Yes. That's

20:16

a headline someone wrote without

20:18

gagging. They continued to type and tell

20:20

us toothpaste. So wait,

20:23

where is it in the body? Does it have a picture? No,

20:27

I'm requiring myself not

20:30

to view the visuals. I

20:32

just,

20:34

that's shit. Wow. Also,

20:36

it just makes you think a liver toothpaste,

20:39

which sounds like something. Anneliese, is there a picture

20:41

if I'm squeamish? I'm not gonna click. I'm afraid

20:44

there is. Okay, I'm not gonna click.

20:46

It's, oh boy,

20:48

now I'm gonna look.

20:51

Wait, is the squeezing from the middle?

20:54

I mean, if it's anything like toothpaste,

20:57

it's from the bottom. I

21:02

don't, I, there's no picture

21:04

of the actual liver squeezing. There's

21:06

just a headline photo that shows a

21:09

otherwise intimidating shark

21:12

in despair, which I guess, since

21:14

they used to be the bullies. It's

21:16

kind of hilarious to see. Yeah.

21:18

It looks like Jaws is crying as two

21:21

orcas on either side are like, yeah, yeah. And he's

21:23

like, okay. Because

21:25

I'm from California. I grew up 25 miles away from

21:31

Stinson beach, where they surfers

21:33

get eaten by great white sharks

21:36

constantly. It's a thing. They

21:38

have signs. So A,

21:40

I'll put that there. And then B,

21:43

sharks, they only live

21:46

to kill things. That is all they do.

21:49

They literally like don't sleep,

21:51

I think they're just constantly moving

21:53

and constantly trying to

21:55

eat things. Have you ever seen their teeth?

21:57

They're usually going after. Yeah.

21:59

I we've all seen their teeth and then the following

22:02

several sets behind them That

22:07

are riding the bench waiting to be the base

22:11

Case

22:11

one tooth goes out tearing

22:14

flesh. There's a backup flesh tearing

22:16

I think they're eating these surfers because they're all

22:18

in black wetsuits and they think that they're seals

22:20

like a lot I don't think they have it out

22:23

for us humans. That's why I don't know why they

22:25

don't make like

22:26

Wildly colored Striped

22:29

wetsuits. I think they do actually

22:31

but I bet they started I feel so

22:33

vulnerable in a shiny

22:35

black Body suit, right? We

22:37

basically put on seal costumes. Yeah. Yeah,

22:40

that's true They might not have it out for

22:42

humans, but they certainly don't have it in for

22:44

humans We

22:47

are the serial part of the Lucky Charms for

22:49

them like they would rather not

22:52

right We've only

22:55

heard that we don't taste good. Yeah because

22:57

of all the process food and liquor we

22:59

drink Yeah, our

23:01

livers actually do taste like toothpaste and

23:04

that's a real bummer for them when they do eat it And

23:06

I know what you mean. I'm actually going

23:08

to counterpoint myself by saying you're right the

23:11

danger that we've put sharks in

23:15

people killing sharks assuming

23:17

that that's going to be almost like a Pre-emptive

23:21

now everyone's safe We're killing these sharks and

23:23

it's done real damage to like

23:26

shark populations Especially the ones that don't

23:28

really attack anybody at all like

23:30

say a nice lemon shark or a

23:32

nurse shark Exactly

23:35

like

23:35

most sharks are docile and like even I know

23:38

that in Northern California They are bigger, but I have

23:40

a lot of friends that surf too and like when

23:43

you say they eat a surfer Don't you just

23:45

mean like nip?

23:46

Yeah, they take off one foot That's

23:49

a nip Right,

23:51

it's just nipping with seven rows of razor-sharp.

23:54

Yeah, it's just that

23:56

yeah,

23:56

they're like That's like

23:58

asparagus and then they swim Yeah.

24:00

Yeah. And again, I think it's

24:03

because of that fucking movie, because it has a great

24:05

score and a great dichotomy

24:07

of good and evil, and it's so easy who's the

24:09

good guy and who's the bad guy. And it

24:11

gives us a distorted view of us as the good

24:13

guy, when in fact we are the bad guy.

24:16

It taught us to hate mayors. Exactly.

24:19

It taught us to love 4th of July. Yeah.

24:21

Exactly.

24:27

Hey there, it's Karen in Georgia. Picture

24:29

this. It's a cold night in 2010. A

24:31

boy is stopped by the police while walking home from

24:33

a party in the Bronx. He's only 16.

24:35

He's been stopped by the police before, but this time is different.

24:38

In a special four-part series, the

24:40

Generation Y podcast unravels

24:42

the story of Khalif Browder, a young

24:44

boy who was falsely accused of stealing a backpack

24:47

and held without bail at Rikers Island

24:49

for three years. He endured

24:52

regular abuse by prison staff and inmates and

24:54

was held in solitary confinement for

24:57

more

24:57

than 700 consecutive days. And

25:00

he was only 16 years old. We say innocent

25:02

until proven guilty, but where do we draw

25:04

the line between due process and cruelty?

25:07

To hear this four-part series on Khalif's story, check

25:10

out Generation Y wherever you get your podcasts. You

25:13

can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music

25:15

or Wandriya. Goodbye.

25:19

Have you guys heard about this story? And I covered it

25:21

on my favorite murder, because it's truly

25:23

one of my favorite things I ever... When

25:25

I found out about it, I was like, this can't be

25:27

real. There's a story of in the

25:30

30s or 40s, a

25:32

shark kind of got lost, went the

25:34

wrong way, and ended up going

25:36

up this very, very small river.

25:39

And I believe it was

25:41

New Jersey or New York State, I can't

25:43

remember. And it was a sizable

25:45

shark. And he ate two boys that were

25:47

just playing in like...

25:49

They were like, we're down at the creek, you know? Like

25:51

fishing and stuff. And an old

25:54

town drunk was standing on a bridge and

25:56

saw this huge shark swimming up

25:58

this river, ran in...

25:59

and to tell everybody and everyone's like, oh

26:02

Eddie, you nut, and no one listened

26:04

to him. I'm in jail for the weekend again.

26:07

Yup, I think definitely

26:09

two boys were killed by this shark. There

26:11

may have been more children

26:14

or more people killed, I can't remember, but

26:17

it was this freak like

26:19

thing that never happened, but then

26:21

suddenly it was just like, it's like every horror

26:23

movie where like, it's not people

26:25

going out into the ocean and having a gigantic

26:28

shark eat them. It's like the shark came up

26:30

a river to find some people.

26:32

It's like when Jason came to Manhattan.

26:37

But flat, but laying down. Yeah,

26:39

but flat and more swimmy, but still

26:41

just as dead eyed. Just as scary

26:44

and yeah, absolutely sociopathic

26:46

in the same way. Wow, and if only

26:49

they had listened to the town drunk, that just goes

26:51

to show,

26:52

listen to the town drunk. Listen to drunks,

26:54

they're smart. Say what you will

26:57

about drunks, they tell the truth. That's

27:00

right, they yell the truth,

27:03

usually. I mean, again, talking

27:05

about myself.

27:06

Yeah, you're right, that is true. I

27:09

tell the truth whenever I'm drunk. It's

27:12

the last few weeks of sobriety

27:14

that I've been lying to

27:16

myself and others.

27:17

Chris,

27:21

what do you think is the, what kind of, do you

27:23

have any examples of clarity that you want to share

27:25

with Tess and I with your one

27:28

month free

27:29

of alcohol? It is, yeah,

27:31

just a month and a week. And I don't

27:33

mean to be preachy about this. I may

27:36

fall off the wagon tomorrow. I haven't even established,

27:38

there is a wagon.

27:39

And I can't remember if messing

27:42

up is falling on or off. The point

27:44

is- I always get that confused as well. Yeah,

27:47

yeah. Yeah, because what's the wagon? It's confusing metaphor.

27:49

The wagon is, being on the wagon is

27:51

sobriety. Sobriety. Falling off is

27:53

a delicious beverage.

27:56

Oh, there it is. Do you think you want to drink on the wagon,

27:58

right? Okay, go ahead. Right. I

28:01

honestly, my brain, the

28:03

two things I've noticed and maybe it could have been

28:06

the sugar and things like that,

28:08

but I think we all know it's the

28:10

booze. I have been not suddenly

28:14

feeling depressed

28:16

at night when unexplained. You

28:18

know, there isn't a depressant coursing

28:20

through me. I didn't expect that. I've been generally

28:22

happier. And then, yeah,

28:25

my memory is

28:26

better. I'm not better at talking as

28:28

I've displayed during this. There's

28:30

been a void that might as well be Tequila

28:33

during this episode. But when doing

28:36

stand-up, I felt like I

28:38

remembered all my jokes. I normally make

28:40

a cheat sheet and I wasn't

28:44

consulting it

28:45

for entire shows. And that's a new

28:48

thing for me. Yeah,

28:50

that's great. When you're, because I

28:52

realized a few years ago that it's

28:54

way better to do stand-up completely sober,

28:57

which is so shitty, you know?

29:00

Because like, I will, when I do stand-up

29:02

with Babs and Brandy, I'll offer to go first so that

29:04

I can start drinking after my set. Right,

29:07

right. You're like, I'm not waiting.

29:10

I'm not waiting for your shit.

29:14

But yeah, it does make, and I

29:16

find too with the timing, I

29:18

think even one drink can

29:20

sort of throw off,

29:22

I think my connection with the audience and the timing.

29:25

Because you have to be like, it's almost more

29:27

like how you have to be when you're doing something athletic.

29:30

Right. Where you kind of have to be like all

29:32

the way dialed in. It's better

29:34

when you're all the way dialed in. Yes, for

29:37

sure. Well, and it's the kind of thing

29:39

I think,

29:41

you know, people who are funny take

29:43

it for granted of

29:46

what it takes to be funny, right? You

29:48

guys have probably been funny your whole lives. It's

29:50

part of who you are. So that's

29:53

like, you're not worried about that part, but

29:55

then there's this other part of it. And

29:57

then it's like, yeah, I can mess around with this a little bit and either

29:59

or get a little buzzed or a little whatever,

30:02

because ultimately I'm still funny

30:04

and it's gonna be fine. But then

30:06

there are those people who have like never

30:09

been drinkers or that's never been

30:11

like a part of them. And so them

30:13

being like, oh yeah, you could be great and then

30:16

get even better and better after that. And it's like,

30:19

my whole life, the whole thing is like, no,

30:22

you come in okay and then see

30:24

what you can do if you fuck yourself

30:26

up. Like that was part of the game

30:29

is like,

30:29

I can still do a 20 minute set

30:32

five beers under, this is

30:34

crazy or think of things on stage

30:36

or whatever. And it's like, it's all an internal

30:39

measurement when actually it's an external

30:42

performance. So you should really be much

30:44

more concerned about how other people are perceiving

30:47

you as opposed to yourself. Yeah,

30:49

like you're gonna have a great time regardless.

30:51

If you have like your first, it's not gonna impact

30:54

your enjoyability and may increase

30:56

it.

30:56

Right, yeah, exactly. And it is, I think

30:58

it also can be a little bit of that gifted

31:01

kid thing too of like, I'm gonna get,

31:03

it might be an A minus, but I can do this in

31:05

my locker during recess and

31:08

not actually do my real homework and still pass

31:10

this class kind of vibe too. Completely.

31:12

Yeah, it's also trying to shake

31:14

the initial realization that when

31:17

you're young, like I was pretty shy.

31:19

And if I said anything funny, it was under my

31:21

breath or to the person next to me. Come

31:24

senior year, I finally started

31:26

going to these parties that I

31:29

never went to. And I all

31:31

of a sudden had this courage to

31:34

be funny to groups of people

31:37

and it was working. And then I thought, so then

31:39

I've sat in my brain like, oh, that makes

31:41

me funnier.

31:42

Something I thought I taught myself

31:44

when I was 17 and I'm still telling

31:46

myself that, but yeah.

31:49

Because it works because it's the truth. I

31:53

mean, that was my, you

31:55

know, I really loved drinking

31:57

from the day I started when I was like 14. or

32:00

whatever nightmarishly young age I started,

32:03

because I did have

32:05

this ongoing

32:06

onslaught of internal dialogue

32:08

that was like, don't

32:10

do that, you look terrible, constant. And

32:15

drinking two beers and suddenly being like, that's

32:17

gone, and now what else is going on? And

32:19

like, oh, this must be what like regular

32:22

people or even like hot people feel like, where

32:25

it's like, oh, you just think you have the run of the

32:27

room, this is great. Like, of

32:29

course I should be talking, of course

32:31

you should be paying attention to me, like that

32:34

feeling was

32:34

wrong. Of course I should run and do a front flip over

32:36

a bonfire. Yes. All

32:39

of a sudden I'm the most... Yes, of course I should... I wait

32:41

till the senior year of high school to be

32:43

the coolest dude in town. Did you hear

32:45

about Fairbanks? He front flipped over the

32:47

bonfire, broke his nose on Ben Johnson's

32:49

shoulder. Legendary.

32:53

Legendary, yes, of course. Yeah,

32:55

I wouldn't have gotten that with my previous years of

32:57

skim milk. Those

33:00

are the only two choices in life. Hard liquor

33:03

or skim milk, make your choice. Or

33:06

together in a white Russian.

33:11

What is your favorite,

33:14

like if you had a tough day and

33:16

you were at a show and you just finished, what's your dream

33:18

cocktail somebody would hand you when you walk off stage?

33:21

Like a Paloma or something with tequila.

33:24

I hear you. What's a Paloma? It

33:26

is tequila, grapefruit juice,

33:29

grapefruit soda, and then on the rim,

33:31

tagine and salt.

33:33

Yeah. What's tagine? You

33:35

know that like it's on... You know when you get like the street fruit that

33:37

has like the mango and that like red spice, it's like

33:39

that. Yeah. Oh, nice.

33:42

Yeah. Chris, you said yes. Have

33:44

you had Palomas? Oh,

33:45

yeah, I'm a tequila boy. It's

33:48

a low glycemic index sugar that it processes down to. A

33:52

doctor told me to drink tequila. He

33:54

said no more brown liquors from you, some

33:56

80-year-old hip doctor.

33:57

Yeah, yeah. I was persisting. I'm

34:00

going to describe tequila. Erin Lampert

34:02

told me like six years ago that tequila

34:04

was good for you and I've been riding

34:06

that high ever since. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

34:10

Erin works at

34:13

that bar. Bandini. Bandini. Oh,

34:15

that place is the best.

34:17

Yes. Yeah, great wine bar. And she's got

34:19

impeccable taste in wine. That is one

34:21

of,

34:21

that's, if I'm going to choose a drink, I love to

34:23

go to Lampe's wine bar with a book,

34:26

be like, Lampe, pour me something weird.

34:28

And just, I like a weird wine,

34:31

some olives. See, that's what I

34:33

can see myself doing after I spend a little

34:35

more time doing this. Go back and have like

34:37

a classy

34:39

glass of orange wine, which

34:42

is a new, it's one of my favorites. Somewhere

34:44

in between red and white, I'm

34:46

assuming. We can all assume that.

34:48

Yeah. What is that? Some sort

34:51

of a rose, it's an off rose.

34:53

Yeah, it's like in the rose family. Yeah.

34:55

It's basically rose, but it's orange, which is like just

34:58

so fun.

34:58

Yeah. And I don't have to say I'll have

35:01

a rose, please. Chris,

35:03

you could totally. I

35:06

can't, because of the rose all day sign

35:08

in my kitchen. I'm embarrassed

35:10

that it's even hanging there. I

35:14

can't believe I have a T-shirt. It's Chris's private sign.

35:17

Please don't read it. Rose

35:20

all day. There is a lot of at-home goods.

35:22

There's a lot of rose merch that

35:24

you can get down there

35:27

or wine declaratives.

35:30

If you need a sign or a

35:32

edition. Yeah. No, Karen,

35:35

what? So are you a home good? What's

35:37

going on with the food at home goods? I guess is my question.

35:39

Oh, thank you for asking. Yeah. I

35:41

have now organized it in a way.

35:45

The food aisle at home goods, I

35:47

find is almost always too crowded to go

35:49

into, because once you start looking

35:52

at stuff, you're like, oh, pasta

35:54

made of corn. I

35:56

understand why this is here. No one wants that

35:59

or whatever.

35:59

start looking, but then you're like, wait a second,

36:02

aren't chocolate covered gummy bears a good

36:04

idea? This is what I do every time. And then I'm like, and

36:07

I put it in my thing. And then I'm like, no,

36:09

that's a terrible idea. You don't wanna combine

36:11

those two things. And I put it back. And then there's

36:13

something else that was like, you know, white

36:15

chocolate pastels, where I'm like, I've never

36:18

liked white chocolate, but still I'm getting this

36:20

anyway. Like that aisle

36:22

is pure chaos. It's

36:25

almost like trying to tap into

36:27

your emotions where it's like, but you like caramel

36:29

corn.

36:30

You like it, don't you? Well, what if you

36:32

liked it with prunes in it? Like there's always

36:34

that kind of like, how far are you willing

36:37

to go in the home goods food aisle? Yes.

36:40

And then like, there also be like novelty aspects

36:42

to it. Like sometimes Hello Kitty will be

36:45

on a pasta for some reason.

36:47

And I'm often, I guess, really high there.

36:49

I must be high because I'm like, Hello Kitty pasta.

36:51

Like it's like a nose I'm high. Yes.

36:55

Yes. It's like it's made

36:57

by and for stoners, where

36:59

it's just like, come

37:00

down here and just see how far you'll go

37:02

with a snack. But it's like

37:05

stoner ladies who also have

37:07

a membership at the Huntington Gardens. Like

37:09

that's me.

37:12

You found me, I belong here.

37:15

But the last time I went

37:17

to home goods, all that's happening in the food aisle.

37:20

I could not find a spatula. Where

37:22

it's just like, is this what you guys are supposed to be doing?

37:25

And like they don't, that's the funniest

37:27

thing. And the thing I love about that place is

37:29

it's, it is perfect for like, if

37:31

you want a stone shop or you just

37:33

want to like kill 45 minutes. If you're like,

37:36

Oh, I have to go here, but I'm going to go here first

37:38

type of thing to find stuff. Because

37:41

you hunt around and find weird

37:43

things. Like I have all kinds of Christmas

37:45

plates, serving

37:48

bowls, things like that for like a Christmas

37:51

party or whatever, but you can't find

37:53

just like a standard spatula or anything.

37:55

You know, you can't get basics there and

37:57

you shouldn't try to. But you can.

38:00

like rock your next St. Patrick's

38:02

Day party,

38:03

like in a way that you wouldn't believe. And

38:07

I feel like it would magically know if

38:09

you weren't looking for a spatula, there

38:11

would be

38:13

like a purple spatula there that day. Like

38:15

you could only find it if you didn't need

38:17

it. Yes. You're like a spatula

38:20

from the TV show Friends? That's

38:22

weird. Okay. But I have three

38:24

spatulas. I don't need it. But if you

38:26

were really just trying to outfit your house, you

38:28

know,

38:29

that's not the place to go. Although

38:32

I bet right now for Easter, they have a bunch of great

38:34

shit down there. Just a bunch of baskets.

38:37

Yeah. Baskets, but also giant

38:40

eggs. I bet you like eggs that go in

38:43

the middle of the table, that if you break them open,

38:45

there's like a small diorama inside. Mm.

38:48

And maybe eggs with like a map of the world,

38:50

like a globe, but it's an egg. Yeah.

38:54

And a lot of... I assume they're a Catholic

38:56

company. I'm just guessing. Probably.

39:00

Because they go pretty hard on Christmas. Although

39:03

I did get a Ray Dunn mug

39:05

there. That's the lady

39:07

that just draws in that very thin font. It

39:09

all caps and will say like, I

39:11

have a mug that says Mommy on it, but

39:14

it looks like someone's

39:15

screaming it, because the way

39:17

the font is, like, they made it to

39:19

seem nice, but it doesn't seem nice.

39:22

You have to see it. And then I found one

39:24

that says Shalom, where

39:26

I'm like, well, I'm absolutely gonna buy a Shalom mug. When's

39:29

the next time I'm gonna find that? Yeah. Wait,

39:32

that

39:32

font has someone's art? I've

39:34

seen that font. Yes. It's this woman

39:37

who... She did it first,

39:39

and she now has this... You know, it's

39:41

a huge company, like, very successful. And

39:44

it's basically all those things that are made uneven

39:47

pottery, and then like a word on

39:49

the front that says like, Candies

39:51

or whatever.

39:52

Sometimes it's funny or whatever. But,

39:55

yeah, she's gigantic, and there's people

39:57

that are obsessed with her.

40:00

With her products. I think that's the type of thing that's

40:02

impossible to reverse engineer But

40:04

I hear that and I'm like why am I not focusing

40:07

all of my energy on lopsided

40:10

pottery, you know Yeah,

40:11

or it's yeah something very easy

40:13

and specific that seems to be the

40:16

recipe for success No I'm gonna spread

40:18

myself thin on a bunch of complicated

40:21

things that follow through with

40:22

Real

40:24

like lucrative ending. Yeah, let me

40:27

hunt over for hours doing detailed

40:29

drawings I should do

40:31

some thin

40:33

Calligraphy god damn it. You

40:35

should do like

40:36

The just the word cookies and all caps

40:38

with like a smiley face and a million

40:41

people will buy your jar

40:41

Yeah, or whatever. Yeah,

40:44

I think the best idea I had was sharks

40:46

and pizza. That's the name of the web Everything

40:49

on there has sharks and pizza Somehow

40:52

mingling and that's that's all I do.

40:54

You're the sharks and pizza guy

40:56

Combined like a shark eating

40:58

a pizza or a shark with pizza teeth

41:02

Shaped your great pitches right there.

41:04

Yes sharks a pizza

41:06

slices a P

41:08

a piece of pizza wearing sunglasses

41:10

surfing on a wave made of sharks It's

41:13

endless

41:13

and orca eating a shark eating a pizza

41:16

squeezing out pizza from the shark

41:18

like toothpaste. Oh This

41:22

is getting this is good. I

41:24

gotta write that down And

41:26

it's also destined for home goods. That's

41:29

a you're describing the perfect home goods

41:31

item Yeah, a shark pizza Christmas

41:34

ornament reeks of home Pizza

41:37

cutter with shark shaped teeth on

41:40

the circle cutting part Mm-hmm.

41:43

I like

41:43

a shark with little pizza slices

41:46

for teeth. It's just smiling

41:48

and it's yeah I mean, it's a perfect shape.

41:50

These this is the kind of brainstorming session

41:52

I needed. Yeah, this is what you

41:54

need it Yeah, and also the shark maybe

41:57

the cartoon you could do is like the

41:59

shark

41:59

biting the one I got, you know,

42:02

biting is like bottom lip. And then being like,

42:04

whoops, I did it again. Oh, that's cute.

42:07

I'm going to be like Lisa Frank. This

42:09

is going to be terrific. This is.

42:12

I had it here first. At Christmas time, I was

42:14

trying to get a bunch of last minute stuff before

42:17

I went up to Petaluma. And

42:20

one of the things I found was a mermaid

42:23

tail that you could pull up, like

42:25

you could pull on and up to your waist.

42:28

And then it was like having a blanket,

42:30

like a lap blanket. So it was like a thing to be cozy

42:32

in as you watch TV. And I pull,

42:34

I was going to get my niece one and

42:37

my other two older nieces. And

42:39

I was carrying them around as

42:40

I shopped through home goods. And finally

42:42

I was like, I'm going to double check is this is, I'm

42:45

buying a lot of these. And I think

42:47

I'm off base. And I sent my sister

42:49

a picture. I was like,

42:51

do you think Nora would like this? And she's like,

42:54

Nora's not eight years old. She's

42:56

like, I'm really sorry to tell you she's 15.

42:59

She wouldn't fit into that. She

43:01

probably wouldn't be interested. And I was like, oh

43:03

shit. I'm like still shopping

43:06

for my little girl niece. And

43:09

she's 18 who, although

43:12

later on I showed her a picture of it and she's like, I think

43:14

I would have liked that. And she's like, but I think I would have

43:16

only been able to fit one leg into it. Yeah,

43:18

right. The size might be an issue, but

43:20

I have a pretty good track record with

43:22

buying my nieces, childlike

43:25

things and I know the like that I know they're too

43:27

old for, but I'm reminded

43:30

of the time I felt like I discovered a

43:33

onesie pajama

43:34

with like little skateboarders

43:37

on it. And as an adult, I got so

43:39

excited because I never had it as a kid.

43:41

And they make adult onesie pajamas.

43:44

Yes, they do. They zipper up front and nothing will

43:46

make you happier. I encourage

43:48

everyone to buy some for their dad.

43:51

Everyone wants to be 11 or 12 again. Yeah,

43:54

that's true. There's only like five years

43:56

where you don't want to be 11. I

43:58

think that's it. It's just, I guess from. 13 to 18. Yeah.

44:02

But then college kids like to act like babies,

44:04

I think. Yeah. I remember being

44:06

in college and taking a blanket with me to class. I think I wore

44:08

a onesie in college. Yeah. I

44:11

was also doing a lot of Molly, so I had a lot of

44:13

pacifiers. Wow, and

44:16

they had Molly back when we were in college? That's

44:18

great. Oh my God. I think it was college

44:20

when I realized I need to start wearing

44:23

pajamas because in the

44:25

dorms, the bathroom was in the hallway and

44:27

my whole life I've just slept in my underwear.

44:30

So the first few weeks, I

44:32

was just making sure no one was in the hallway

44:35

and just running out there in my boxers.

44:37

And then,

44:38

you know, there was like girlfriends visiting,

44:41

you know, I think it was a co-rec

44:44

dormitory and I was walking around in my underwear

44:47

just cause I didn't grow up in a pajama

44:49

household. And I quickly had to

44:51

realize like, I have to wear a little suit with

44:53

a pocket when I go to bed because I can't

44:56

be wandering in the hallways.

44:58

So you went straight from skivvies to

45:00

a little onesie? No

45:02

idea. No, I went classic

45:05

shorts with shirt, you know, classic

45:07

pajamas with some piping and

45:09

a nice pocket in case you want to bring a mouse

45:12

to bed.

45:13

Like a dad in a Disney

45:15

movie. Yes. I get Disney dad.

45:18

I finally got pajamas. I remember

45:20

vividly like, hey, I think I

45:22

need pajamas. Yeah.

45:25

You can give me that for Christmas because I

45:27

mean, there was a couple episodes, I think once the

45:29

flap was open, I don't want to get graphic, but

45:32

I was exposing myself to other students.

45:35

And I'm glad that I finally

45:37

discovered pajamas at age 18.

45:40

I feel like my college dorm, like

45:42

you would, like it was just never, but there were

45:44

so many naked people always. Like

45:47

what college did you go to? Emerson, Santa Barbara.

45:49

Oh, yeah.

45:51

I went to UC Santa Barbara on a rarely cause

45:53

I grew up in Camarillo. So like when I was a teenager,

45:55

I would party at UCSB. Oh,

45:58

gotcha. Which was great. But I went to the

46:00

dorms at Emerson. Yeah, and it was like, I mean,

46:04

yeah, the doors were always open everywhere. There

46:06

were always people like having sex in the elevators

46:08

or like passed out in the stairwells or like,

46:10

I mean, it was,

46:12

yeah. There was, we had something when I

46:14

was in college. I don't know if this was like an evergreen

46:16

college thing or just like an aughts thing, but

46:18

called up. Do you guys know what a flippin' fuck is?

46:21

What? Is

46:25

it like a wedge pillow? Kind

46:27

of, yeah. It's like a foldable

46:30

one person futon. So it kind

46:32

of folds up into like a video game chair

46:34

and then you flip it open and it turns into like

46:37

a little twin size mattress.

46:39

Yes, I've seen this. Yeah,

46:41

well, I guess that's what I got for my dad's

46:44

next visit. He's

46:46

going to lay on this leather flippin' fuck. I

46:48

don't think I'll call it that. I would

46:50

not. Yeah, please don't. It's a one man.

46:53

I dare you. Yeah. Hey,

46:57

dad, throw yourself down on that flippin' fuck and

46:59

I'll see you in the morning. It's

47:05

really funny because I, you know, I did

47:07

flunk out of college, but in the one year that

47:09

I was in the dorms at Sacramento State,

47:12

it was just so not

47:14

like that. And I think because it's

47:16

kind of a commuter school and it wasn't

47:19

really, you know, I think Emerson's very

47:22

artsy. That's where all the sketch people go

47:24

and all the comedy people go. Yeah. There's

47:26

a real artsy feel to it.

47:28

I think there's a lot of accounting majors

47:30

in the dorm that I went to.

47:32

So it was a lot of like, you know,

47:35

it was the year that that Guns N' Roses album

47:37

came out and that was just being blasted constantly.

47:39

And there was just like a lot of beer

47:42

bongs. I

47:44

think I told you this story, Chris, but

47:46

one time we were at a party and it was in

47:48

a dorm room. So there was like 30 people

47:50

smashed into this dorm room and they

47:52

were doing beer bongs. And

47:55

they were like, Karen, you have to do it. And I was like,

47:57

uh-oh.

47:59

No one should do this. And this is

48:02

insane. But I was like, okay, whatever.

48:05

And so I do it and I remember it was

48:07

like I watched other people do it. I'm like, how are they

48:09

doing this? Like, why isn't anyone

48:11

spitting this back or like resist

48:14

their resisting this in any

48:16

way? Yeah. And then I just remember

48:18

being like, because

48:19

I was already drunk and then I was just like, just

48:21

don't you can't resist this and

48:24

you have to just swallow this like

48:26

open your gullet, essentially like a

48:28

fucking turkey and swallow

48:31

this. And I did it because I was like, it'll

48:33

be so humiliating if you like A,

48:36

throw up or B, like it all just

48:38

comes spilling out of your mouth. Yeah. It'll be

48:40

so humiliating. And so I did

48:42

it and they all went fucking crazy. And

48:44

it was that kind of thing where I was like, OK,

48:48

that didn't feel like the victory

48:49

that it is because that

48:52

was it's like you basically make

48:55

your like peer pressuring people into

48:57

doing this

48:58

horrible gross thing. And

49:01

then like, like what

49:03

would I what would have happened if I had just been

49:05

like, yeah, I'm like starting to

49:07

throw up, you know, people

49:09

do that too. Oh, yeah, I've done that. I

49:11

did that once off a party party boat in Portugal.

49:14

Just

49:17

immediately threw out the beer bong. Well,

49:20

that I was in Europe with my my brother

49:22

in Europe and my brother came up to me. I

49:24

can handle a beer bong, but my

49:26

brother came up to me without warning and shoved

49:29

it in my mouth, not even like

49:31

a heads up. And so I skewed

49:33

it everywhere and everyone thought I chunked because

49:36

I couldn't handle it. And I was like, no,

49:38

I was just attacked. Yeah, you had to take a breath.

49:40

That's like dunking your sister underwater

49:43

when she's not ready. Exactly. Yeah,

49:45

exactly. So he got he had a laugh. But

49:47

beer bongs and drinking games, they've

49:49

always like me like to me, that concept is

49:51

like they're so unnecessary. Like we were going

49:54

to drink anyway.

49:55

Yeah. Right. And now that

49:57

we're being competitive about it. I'm

50:00

going to have a terrible night because I want to win.

50:03

Yes. Well, and I or I

50:06

just don't want to publicly lose. That's

50:08

the that seemed to me to be

50:10

the pressure where it was somehow I was being called to

50:12

the mat

50:13

as a person of right. Come

50:16

on, you got to do it. And it's like, right. And

50:18

then if I do this wrong, that's I'm just

50:20

that girl. I refuse to

50:23

be that girl. Yeah. Well, and it feels

50:25

like as a woman,

50:27

the pressure is even more.

50:28

Yeah, because once again, I'm not

50:31

getting paid the rest. The same as those dudes

50:33

are getting paid the beer bomb. We

50:37

open our gullets twice as wide

50:41

and we get half the bug like

50:43

it is fucking bullshit.

50:47

I cannot believe how

50:50

fast this podcast has gone by. I

50:52

know it is literally like I feel like

50:55

we've said four things and I just

50:57

looked down and was like, what is this crazy

50:59

test? Have you been writing about anything

51:02

lately or doing any journalisming that

51:04

you're especially excited about? I have been

51:06

writing stuff that's sort of like longer form stuff

51:08

that I'm kind of in the trenches on right now.

51:12

But yeah, I'm kind of I'm

51:13

working on some kind of bigger pieces that

51:16

I'm getting my fingers dirty with kind of follow up

51:18

to the reporting I did around the Britney

51:20

Spears story, which kept me busy.

51:22

Yeah, for a couple of years. Yeah.

51:25

That was an unexpected busyness,

51:28

huh? You had no idea. Oh, yeah. Completely

51:31

sideswiped up. So it was like one day I was just

51:33

having a Tuesday and

51:35

the next day I was like, oh, my whole

51:37

world's going to change. Yeah. You said, handily

51:40

made me pay attention to and

51:42

appreciate Britney Spears. I didn't think

51:44

about her much because I just didn't.

51:47

I think it's my age. It was happening after

51:49

I was already doing these beer

51:51

bongs.

51:52

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

51:56

what I didn't know about you is that you've written

51:58

musicals and lyrics. Like,

52:01

I never knew that about you. I didn't

52:03

know that either. Cause I know that I just talk about myself whenever I see

52:05

you.

52:06

No, I

52:08

was so excited to do this podcast cause both of you are

52:10

people that when I see you at a party, I'm like, oh cool,

52:12

there's someone cool here that I can talk to.

52:15

I felt that when I saw you at Carriage. Yes,

52:17

it's mutual, yeah. But

52:19

yeah, my musical, I mean, I like, musicals

52:21

are just so my love. Like, I don't have a good

52:24

voice really. So I've never been like a performer.

52:26

That's what I've learned. Or good enough to do it professionally.

52:29

But having musical ear, like I can hear when someone's

52:31

flat and I have a musical ear sort of in that sense.

52:35

And yeah, my musical, that

52:38

was kind of a crazy story how I wrote that. I

52:40

had this friend from college

52:42

who he went on, he became a musical

52:44

composer and

52:45

like conduct stuff on Broadway and is like

52:48

the super gifted musical composer.

52:50

And he was in LA for a friend's wedding

52:53

and drunk at our friend's wedding. We came up

52:55

with an idea for a musical. And

53:01

the next day like hung over, he was like, I'm

53:03

serious, let's talk about the show. And I was like, yeah, let's do

53:05

it. So we hiked Runyon and we started talking

53:08

about this show and we got so like consumed

53:10

with the idea that I was like, he was like, do you

53:12

have a keyboard? We need to buy a keyboard. And I was

53:14

like, my boyfriend at the time had just gotten

53:16

a keyboard.

53:17

And I was like, hey, let's go to my house.

53:19

So we start writing our first song.

53:21

We got like so consumed by the process

53:24

that he like canceled his flight home.

53:27

He was like, I have to stay here and finish this song

53:29

with you. Like we had this like crazy moment.

53:32

And from there he happened to be going

53:34

to Hawaii to meet with an investor for

53:36

a show that he had been working on previously.

53:38

And he was like, I have to play this song for you. I just

53:40

wrote with my friend. Like we're really excited about the show.

53:43

He played that song for that investor and that investor

53:46

was like moved to tears. And he

53:48

was like, I have a mansion in

53:50

South Carolina that has a sign away

53:52

piano music room in it. And I want

53:54

you guys to go like go on retreat and write this

53:56

musical in that mansion.

53:58

And so humans, we did. That's where you did

54:00

it. Yeah. So we like exile on Main

54:03

Street at it and like. See,

54:06

if you weren't drinking at that wedding, I'm starting

54:08

to think about calling on or off this

54:10

wagon again, because that seems

54:12

like it opened up a hole. You would

54:14

not. You have to wait. You have to wait for the moment. You

54:16

have to wait for the the the opening

54:18

sign. Exactly. Exactly.

54:20

That is so cool. Yeah.

54:23

So yeah, it was a really crazy experience and it was

54:25

like off Broadway. And I mean, yeah, it

54:27

was really cool. I mean, yeah, it was one of the it kind

54:30

of like changed

54:31

how I write, because like I realized

54:34

that I really like writing on isolation. I mean, we

54:36

wrote an entire show, but like we had no

54:38

internet.

54:40

We didn't use our phones. We were in this

54:42

like tiny town in South Carolina

54:45

and this gorgeous mansion. And like we wrote the whole

54:47

show in this beautiful room with like beautiful

54:49

art everywhere. And the house came with

54:51

these robes. And so we just lived in these

54:53

robes for like a minute. And we would write for like 18

54:56

hours and then stop working

54:58

at like 11 o'clock in the morning and drink

55:00

chardonnay and smoke cigarettes until two p.m.

55:02

Sleep for six hours, wake up, keep working.

55:05

Like it was like a really crazy.

55:07

Were you like singing? What

55:09

rhymes with this? Were you like singing verses

55:11

to each other like an Ishtar, the good part

55:14

of Ishtar,

55:14

the first film? Yeah, yeah. I mean, he

55:18

wrote ahead of me like he would

55:20

I wrote like he wrote like like

55:22

a few bars ahead of me the entire time. So he

55:24

would tell me like I need a bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And then I would

55:27

work on that.

55:27

And you were adding jokes, I would guess. Yeah,

55:30

yeah. It was me adding like blowjob

55:32

jokes and yeah. That's

55:36

great. Can you tell us what the musical

55:38

was called? Yeah, it's called Time Between Us. And

55:42

it's a two person show

55:44

and it's sort of like the last five years meets Will

55:46

and Grace. So it follows these

55:48

two best friends sort of over 25 years of their life. Yeah,

55:52

it's all piano cello. The whole score

55:54

is piano cello. I did not know

55:56

that you had written musicals.

55:58

That's incredible. Yeah. Thank you. I mean,

56:00

that's what I like about you Tess is you really,

56:04

when I first met you the very, very first time

56:06

was meeting you on stage at

56:08

the live lady to lady that basically,

56:11

I knew Brandy and she asked me to do it.

56:14

And that's how I met you guys. And it was, I just first

56:16

started doing standup again. So it was

56:18

like probably 2009 or something, or

56:21

like a long time ago. And

56:23

I could not tell if you were doing

56:25

a character or if you were,

56:28

if that was your, cause like your laugh and everything,

56:30

but you're so funny. But I was like,

56:33

this girl must've written this down beforehand

56:35

because you were being conversationally funny. But

56:37

then you, but like, you're

56:39

just such a fascinating

56:42

individual and you are so fucking

56:44

talented. Like the first time I read one

56:46

of your articles, the

56:48

one you did about the auditions for the, being

56:51

a Laker girl, it was one of the most mind

56:53

blowing like pieces of journalism

56:55

I've ever read. And I was like, this fucking

56:57

girl can do it all. Like it's

56:59

just, I just love how you were really

57:01

a, you're just a

57:03

very genuine, you're yourself

57:05

entirely and you don't really put on

57:07

airs and you absolutely could. Like

57:09

you could be an MSN asshole if you wanted

57:12

to. Like you could be like a fucking,

57:14

you could be very, You hear that, MSN students? You

57:16

could be a very high level asshole

57:19

if you wanted to. And you just are

57:21

just like, you are a smiley,

57:24

fun, happy, hilarious

57:26

person. I

57:27

just love it. I don't know that I've ever seen you

57:29

in a bad mood and that's

57:31

something that you make an effort

57:33

to do. And that's why at

57:36

a party I'm like, Oh, I've been feeling

57:38

down. Maybe I'll talk to Tess and yep, it

57:40

worked again. Why

57:42

not be happy all the time?

57:44

Oh, I'm definitely not happy all the time. I

57:46

will say that. Oh, of course not. No one

57:49

is. No one is. You make an effort

57:52

to present

57:52

yourself that way. And I realize

57:54

I don't, if I'm not feeling great, I've

57:58

kind of let everyone know. it and I'm trying

58:00

to watch that and I learned

58:03

it from you specifically. Oh

58:05

my god. I think you're like pretty

58:07

fun to be around too though. I mean

58:09

you're a good conversationalist too and you're someone

58:11

who does engage with the people that you're talking to.

58:14

Like there's so many people in LA that the whole time

58:16

you're talking to them they they have one

58:18

lazy eye that's just looking for someone else that they

58:21

may potentially want to.

58:22

Oh god. I can't stand that. When we're

58:24

done recording I'll give you the names of the people

58:26

that do that the most and

58:28

Carole will say it as I'm saying the

58:30

name and it will come out of her mouth. That's it

58:32

for your

58:33

twins. I mean I think

58:36

that is the challenge though you know. There's

58:38

it's like people who

58:41

have a gift

58:43

like an artistic kind of expression

58:46

gift.

58:47

It's easy to get bad habits

58:50

of like here's how I need to I need

58:52

to do this to get this or I

58:54

need to you know those people like

58:56

the people who look for other people while they're talking

58:59

to the person in front of them those people

59:01

never find the person they're looking for. That's

59:03

the sad part is like and

59:06

that is a I think everyone's done it.

59:08

I don't think it's you know I think some people just

59:10

can't ever let go of that idea. I remember

59:12

there was a comic once who was

59:14

from San Francisco and did very well

59:17

in San Francisco.

59:17

He would come down to LA to do

59:19

sets and he would do fine but then like

59:22

nothing would quote unquote happen

59:24

in his mind. So it's like in his

59:26

mind and this is how it happens for a lot of people

59:28

I made up this idea of like someone in

59:30

the back of the room is gonna come forward and be like sign

59:33

this piece of paper. You're now in

59:35

show business and one time he asked me he's

59:37

like I just don't get it like how do

59:39

you move up? How do you move up on the ladder?

59:41

I just don't get this he was so like

59:44

kind of wild-eyed and angry and then

59:46

I just went there's

59:47

no ladder. There's no fucking

59:49

ladder like. But are they successful

59:52

now? Uh I don't know actually.

59:54

Oh okay because I have noticed people with

59:56

the wandering Hollywood eye do

59:59

end up getting what they want. I'm afraid. I hate

1:00:01

that. I know, I hate that. Everyone

1:00:03

I'm thinking of is like, certainly

1:00:06

a homeowner. Doing awesome. But

1:00:08

you know, I do think a lot about Lizzie Cooperman.

1:00:11

I don't know if she still tells this joke, but she had a joke

1:00:13

back in the day of like talking about like, I wonder,

1:00:15

people say, how are things going to pan out?

1:00:17

And she, and this is how they panned out.

1:00:20

This is it. This is like, this is

1:00:22

it. Like, this is how they panned

1:00:24

out. What you have right now is it? Yeah.

1:00:27

Yeah. Like when someone after a show says, hey man,

1:00:30

keep it up. You're going to make it. I'm like, oh

1:00:32

no, I'm afraid I have this.

1:00:35

I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but you're looking

1:00:37

at my level of success that

1:00:39

I've strived for.

1:00:40

But that's not true. You don't

1:00:42

know. You have no idea. And that's

1:00:45

that kind of thing where like, they always

1:00:47

say, well, you're on your way, but

1:00:49

they always say, you know,

1:00:51

like any quote unquote overnight

1:00:53

success that people feel like they're witnessing

1:00:56

took 10, 15 years to

1:00:58

get to that point. Everybody

1:01:00

has this clock that they made up that like, oh,

1:01:03

well, it's too late now. No, it's not. You,

1:01:06

how would you know? Like you're basing your

1:01:08

own experience comparing yourself to

1:01:10

other people that like, I've

1:01:12

been around so long that I've watched

1:01:14

people quote unquote succeed

1:01:17

and then fail, which is even worse

1:01:19

than the succeed part. Like there's

1:01:22

all these ways we interpret

1:01:24

people getting to a certain spot

1:01:27

and what that might mean and what it means in

1:01:29

comparison to you, none of that is real. It's

1:01:31

all made up. It's all made up

1:01:33

and it's not concrete. Like, and

1:01:35

I, Karen, I feel like you're someone who's had success

1:01:38

in so many different mediums too. And I feel like when

1:01:40

you work in different mediums, it

1:01:43

looks less linear because

1:01:45

I mean, there are people that are like,

1:01:47

I'm just going to do standup. And like, that's kind of an

1:01:49

easier thing to track. But

1:01:52

when people write and produce and

1:01:54

you do TV and podcasting and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

1:01:56

it's like, there's so many things. It's like, it

1:01:58

would be ludicrous to try.

1:01:59

to have some sort of metric where you're like, well,

1:02:02

I have not here yet. What does that look like? What

1:02:04

is here?

1:02:05

Yeah. Here's where you are. Here,

1:02:07

especially for comics, usually just means what

1:02:09

somebody else, usually it means for me, the person

1:02:12

I hate the most, who has stuff, I'm

1:02:14

not there. Yeah. And then

1:02:16

you're just like, well, I'm not there. And it's like,

1:02:19

you can absolutely do that to yourself. And sometimes it

1:02:21

works, you know, if you're trying to prod

1:02:23

yourself, but most of the time it

1:02:25

doesn't work that way. Someday I hope to be

1:02:27

at the place where all the people I hate are. I'm

1:02:31

waiting until, you know, as I get older

1:02:33

and become more and more mature. That's why I plan

1:02:36

on quote unquote making it when I'm about 60.

1:02:39

Nice. Because then I'll be able to handle it. I won't be

1:02:42

doing any of this, you know, Justin Bieber

1:02:44

stuff where I throw rocks at cars outside my

1:02:46

church or

1:02:47

whatever. Outside

1:02:49

my church. Yeah, well, he

1:02:51

was always driving erratically outside

1:02:53

of a church usually. Hey, at least he's

1:02:55

going, at least he's a believer.

1:02:58

Dude, can I tell you guys something? I realized

1:03:00

recently, I substitute

1:03:03

Todd Justin Bieber's wife when

1:03:05

she was a child. What? How

1:03:08

did you, she made no question

1:03:11

on you then. Hailey Bieber, no, she did not.

1:03:15

Only reason, cause she's the daughter of a

1:03:18

Baldwin. She's a Stephen

1:03:20

Baldwin's daughter. And so I used,

1:03:22

I was a substitute teacher for Beverly Hills Unified.

1:03:25

So

1:03:26

like a lot of my kids were like, Larry King

1:03:28

would like come drop his kids lunch. I was like, I saw a

1:03:30

lot of celebrity kids. And so I would, this one

1:03:32

school that I worked at, Stephen Baldwin's

1:03:34

daughter would go into it. And I'd be like, oh, I have a Baldwin

1:03:36

kid in this class. Oh, wow.

1:03:39

And then I put two and two together.

1:03:41

I was like, wait, that girl's name is Hailey Baldwin.

1:03:43

And then I went back to El Rodeo. And I was like,

1:03:45

I gave that kid like spelling tests. Wow,

1:03:48

to Hailey Baldwin Bieber. Is

1:03:52

Stephen Baldwin the kind of lighter

1:03:54

haired Baldwin? Yes. He

1:03:57

came

1:03:57

to Missoula with a group of skateboarders.

1:03:59

And as they put it, put on a skate demo for

1:04:01

the Lord, he would yell

1:04:04

scripture from a megaphone. And

1:04:08

he was, I think, still is part of a

1:04:10

Christian skateboard coalition.

1:04:12

And they do little demos, like the

1:04:14

power team, except they do kickflips.

1:04:17

And there was known skateboarders that were

1:04:20

in this group until we all went to see it. And

1:04:22

it's like, wait a minute, what are they yelling

1:04:24

through? Why is there these handwritten banners?

1:04:28

It was all skating for Jesus.

1:04:30

I'm picturing like a

1:04:32

skateboard West side story. Yeah,

1:04:35

yeah. Just start singing

1:04:38

and dancing while skating. Yeah,

1:04:41

it was a real thing.

1:04:43

Good old statement. Wow. But

1:04:46

isn't he, oh no, I think it's Billy Baldwin.

1:04:48

That's the good one. And that's very politically

1:04:50

vocal, right?

1:04:52

He's the one from Backdraft, right?

1:04:55

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, and then I think Alec

1:04:57

Baldwin before his mini-curfuffles, I think

1:04:59

was a pretty solid Democrat.

1:05:02

Yeah. His mini-curfuffles. His

1:05:04

mini-curfuffles. Yeah. His

1:05:07

chicanery is off the charts. What

1:05:11

I truly love, and I don't think anyone,

1:05:13

I don't think there's enough time in

1:05:15

human existence to spend enough

1:05:17

time talking about Hilaria Baldwin and

1:05:20

her fake accent.

1:05:21

And all that that means,

1:05:24

and all of the ways that in

1:05:26

some ways, people are just like, she's the nicest person.

1:05:28

It doesn't matter, no one cares. And it's absolutely

1:05:31

and great, and it's

1:05:34

nice to know that. And at the same

1:05:36

time, what are you doing? Right,

1:05:38

great. What are you doing? Because anyone who's taking...

1:05:41

She spent the weekend

1:05:41

at Madonna's. Right. Yeah.

1:05:44

If you've taken a groundlings class, the idea

1:05:46

of maintaining an accent for that, oh,

1:05:50

exhausting. Yeah.

1:05:52

Yeah, the only thing I hold against

1:05:54

Jim Carrey is acting like Andy...

1:05:58

Kaufman? Why are we... It's

1:06:02

Kaufman Kaufman. Thank you. I

1:06:05

thought you said

1:06:07

Bachman. Andy Kaufman overdrive for

1:06:10

the entire like off camera. There's a documentary

1:06:12

about it and I'm like, okay, this is actually annoying.

1:06:15

Other than that, I love the guy. Yes.

1:06:17

Yeah, that's exhausting. Yeah, it hurts

1:06:20

my jaw to think about it. His

1:06:22

commitment to character gives me TMJ. Yeah,

1:06:26

you should be able to tell an actor to fuck off if

1:06:28

they do that because I mean, I mean,

1:06:30

a comic who's always on. Yes,

1:06:32

terrible. Imagine like that, but with

1:06:34

acting. Right. Oh,

1:06:37

God. So much

1:06:38

more boring and less entertaining. Yeah.

1:06:40

Just like you have to stop acting now or I'm going

1:06:42

to kick you out of this den. Although, I

1:06:45

do like comedians who are funny all the

1:06:47

goddamn time. It's a fine line. Yes,

1:06:50

that's true. Yeah. And I'm willing

1:06:52

to go through the pain parts

1:06:55

because of the comedy.

1:06:56

Yeah. Like, absolutely. I

1:06:59

adore it. Thank you. But I find

1:07:01

that people who are funny all the time are

1:07:03

usually especially funny when they're like

1:07:05

grumpy. Yeah. Or like,

1:07:08

they're funny in the way that they're angry

1:07:10

usually. Yes. You know, it's not

1:07:12

them like. I'm sorry.

1:07:13

I just made it about,

1:07:16

oh, what am I doing? I'm sorry. And

1:07:18

they always have like cool sweaters

1:07:21

and they skate. There we are. Thank

1:07:23

you again. And they always give up drinking for a month

1:07:25

in

1:07:25

a week. Well, there we have it. Okay, everyone.

1:07:28

There we have it. I think the cat is out of the bag.

1:07:30

I'm angry and hilarious around the clock.

1:07:34

I actually just saw a

1:07:36

thing on TikTok. If this helps you, if the

1:07:38

next time you get angry, you just

1:07:41

go and push against a wall

1:07:43

and count 30 seconds and

1:07:45

push as hard as you can against the wall.

1:07:48

And then when you're done pushing against the wall, you stand

1:07:50

there and then you put one hand on your stomach and one

1:07:52

hand on your heart and you stand like that for 30

1:07:55

seconds. And it's basically because oftentimes

1:07:57

people have, when angry, they're

1:07:59

like,

1:07:59

You feel like you're

1:08:02

not allowed to express anger, which is a thing from

1:08:04

our childhoods, then it comes out

1:08:06

in different ways, or like you have to wait till you're

1:08:08

drunk, or you have to wait till you're whatever,

1:08:11

or you're passive aggressive. And

1:08:13

so when you do that, it's the like physical

1:08:15

frustration, you allow yourself to,

1:08:18

like you force yourself to feel

1:08:20

that physical frustration. And then you just

1:08:22

sit there having felt it without

1:08:25

being in trouble or anybody telling you you're wrong

1:08:27

or anything. I just watched that on TikTok

1:08:29

this morning and I was like, that's fucking

1:08:31

genius, because that really is the feeling. And

1:08:34

then you're basically feeling it with just

1:08:36

allowing yourself to do it as an adult. Like you're fine,

1:08:39

you can feel this as much as you want.

1:08:41

Yeah, like allowing yourself to go there as hard

1:08:43

as you want instead of putting the,

1:08:45

what's that car part, the governor on. Have

1:08:49

you ever done like a shadow boxing class?

1:08:53

No. Oh, the

1:08:55

way you're describing sounds like a shadow boxing class.

1:08:58

I'll take them on like YouTube or Peloton and it's exactly

1:09:01

that. You just do these like coordinated

1:09:03

punches and you find like things that

1:09:05

you forgot you were pissed off about, like bubbling

1:09:08

to the surface and it just feels so good and

1:09:10

you just like punch it out of your fist. And

1:09:12

you feel euphoric afterwards, or I do. Ooh,

1:09:15

I wanna do that. Just because, yeah.

1:09:17

Yeah, I can punch

1:09:19

that at the air here, I have enough room.

1:09:22

I can kick, I can punch. Remember when

1:09:24

Crispin Glover. Look how high I can kick. When

1:09:26

Crispin Glover was on letter nine. He

1:09:29

got kicked off. I can kick. Look,

1:09:31

I'm strong, I'm strong and I can kick. Then

1:09:33

Letterman just drew a commercial and when

1:09:35

they came back, he wasn't there. No, I miss

1:09:38

that.

1:09:38

It's one of those many times, that

1:09:41

guy was my hero for most

1:09:43

of my life. And then you watch these old, the

1:09:46

way he treats,

1:09:47

you know, like Drew Barrymore

1:09:50

or I'm like, wait, he was like a grumpy,

1:09:52

I don't know. I loved Letterman

1:09:55

for so long, but he overreacting got pissed

1:09:58

at Crispin Glover who was just being.

1:10:00

a character, the foot wasn't

1:10:02

that close to his face, that's what I'm saying. He,

1:10:05

he, seems like a bit of a problem. It's a control thing

1:10:07

though. I think, cause,

1:10:08

cause anything you see on, especially

1:10:10

a talk show when they're like a surprise and

1:10:12

oh, and he didn't know, it's never a surprise, they

1:10:15

know everything. It's all fake. So

1:10:17

he's, he's about control. And

1:10:19

basically Crispin Glover came out, was

1:10:22

super weird, and then started kicking

1:10:24

toward David Letterman's head. And he was like, we'll

1:10:27

be right back. Yeah, yeah. I

1:10:30

think I'm team Letterman on this one.

1:10:31

Yeah, yeah. I gotta come

1:10:34

up with better examples. I have to

1:10:36

say, I think David Letterman is like still

1:10:38

one of the best interviewers of all time. Oh, for sure. For

1:10:41

sure, yeah. Like that show he has, I think it's Netflix, which

1:10:43

is him doing like long form interviews. Like they don't make

1:10:45

them like that anymore. Yeah. Yeah.

1:10:48

I just wish he would shave that beard. It's so distracting.

1:10:50

Yeah. It's

1:10:52

crazy. And it's so

1:10:54

hilariously different than

1:10:56

what he was like before. Like he was Mr.

1:10:59

Fucking Button Down. He was Mr.

1:11:01

Brooks Brothers. And then now he's like

1:11:04

truly like a lighthouse

1:11:06

keeper. Yeah. In a way where you're

1:11:08

just like Dave, what do you do? And it

1:11:10

makes people itchy to look at.

1:11:13

Yeah. Yeah. That is what

1:11:15

happens with me. I imagine him having blemishes under

1:11:17

there and scraping at them. Yeah. Yeah,

1:11:19

beards are gross business and there's mayonnaise in

1:11:22

all of them. Ew. Yeah,

1:11:25

all mustaches have mayonnaise. That's why I

1:11:27

got rid of it if you really want to know.

1:11:29

Is that true? I don't even eat mayonnaise. It's

1:11:31

just in the air. It's

1:11:34

a mayonnaise catcher.

1:11:35

Yeah, I found a test doesn't like

1:11:37

mayonnaise either. People get out of it. No, I hate

1:11:39

mayonnaise. Do you mean mayonnaise? Yeah, it turns clear overnight.

1:11:42

Hate it. Get it out of here. We

1:11:44

all hate it? Yeah. Oh, we are so right you

1:11:46

guys. My mom used to

1:11:48

give herself mayonnaise hair conditioning

1:11:50

packs on the weekends. I will vomit. And

1:11:53

she would have it under her fingernails. And

1:11:57

I truly like any, sometimes

1:11:59

you have to have. it on a sandwich. Yeah.

1:12:01

Just for moisture purposes. Yeah.

1:12:03

But if it's if there's any more than what is absolutely

1:12:06

necessary, I'm just like, I can't I

1:12:08

have to I can't do this. I'll take mustard

1:12:10

both sides.

1:12:11

Yeah. Yeah. And

1:12:14

he did. But I don't want that in my hair

1:12:16

either. I was a

1:12:18

child actor. So my mom used to before auditions,

1:12:21

she would make me do a raw egg.

1:12:23

Or sometimes I would have to do a cold shower

1:12:26

and she would pour a course light in my hair. Make

1:12:28

it shiny. Her body. Yeah.

1:12:30

Did you think you'd get more work if

1:12:32

you had dreadlocks? Eggs

1:12:35

is how you make them. I just went out for really like inappropriate

1:12:39

kind of roles. Cool

1:12:41

runnings. Just

1:12:44

always only cool runnings. I

1:12:51

think we're at time, guys. Yes. I think we've

1:12:53

done it. And my dogs won't stop barking. Effortlessly.

1:12:56

Tess, what would you like to plug on your

1:12:58

way out? Aside from, of course, exactly

1:13:01

right. So Lady to Lady podcast.

1:13:03

Please listen to my podcast, Lady to Lady.

1:13:05

You can listen to my investigative

1:13:07

documentary podcast, Toxic, the Britney

1:13:09

Spears story. Watch

1:13:12

me do stand up on Testify

1:13:14

Barker with two S's on my Instagram

1:13:16

and Twitter where I post my dates and stuff like that.

1:13:19

Nice. You're the best, Tess. What a joy.

1:13:21

That was lovely. That was

1:13:23

the easiest, best conversation.

1:13:26

I expended little to no energy in your

1:13:29

presence. And that's a compliment.

1:13:31

The riffing was Sether Light.

1:13:34

So fun. You've been listening to

1:13:37

Do You Need a Ride? D-Y-N-A-R.

1:13:48

This has been an exactly right production.

1:13:51

Produced by Annalise Nelson. Mixed

1:13:53

by Edson Choi. Our talent booker

1:13:55

is Patrick Kotner. Theme song by

1:13:57

Karen Kilgariff. Artwork by Chris

1:14:00

Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram,

1:14:02

Twitter, and Facebook at Dinar Podcast.

1:14:04

That's D-Y-N-A-R Podcast.

1:14:07

For more information, go to exactlyrightmedia.com.

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1:14:17

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