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you leaving or are you on your way

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back home? Either way

1:21

we want to be there. Doesn't

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matter how much baggage you claim.

1:27

Give us a time and date,

1:30

terminal and gate. We

1:33

want to send you off in

1:35

style. We want to

1:37

welcome you back home. Tell

1:41

us all about it. Were you scared or

1:43

was it fine? Mouth

1:46

horn. Mouth

1:55

horn. Do

2:02

you need ride? Do

2:14

you need ride? Do

2:20

you need ride? With

2:24

Karen and Chris. Welcome

2:28

to Do You Need Ride. This is

2:30

Chris Fairbanks. This is Karen Kilgarris.

2:33

Before we started recording, Karen gave

2:35

us an assignment, which was you,

2:37

it was your idea, you state

2:40

the assignment. We all reveal one embarrassing,

2:42

and we all meeting, me and Chris, on a

2:44

list, does not have to be pulled into this,

2:46

but we all reveal, we too reveal an

2:49

embarrassing fact about ourselves. Fact.

2:51

Factoid. An embarrassing

2:54

fact about myself, because

2:56

I've had embarrassing things happen recently. I'm

2:59

just sorting through it. Oh, I can

3:01

help you. It's hard to come up.

3:03

Will you come up with my embarrassing

3:05

fact? Yep. OK, let

3:07

me have it. You vape. Oh,

3:10

I can't. I mean, that

3:13

was. Do you not want

3:15

to do that? I'm confident. No, everyone needs

3:17

to know I have an addictive personality, and

3:19

they also are proud of me for not

3:21

drinking, and I've replaced it with mango slices.

3:24

Sure, I brag about that one. But

3:27

I've been vaping. Tobacco

3:31

flavored vape. You

3:35

don't even do mango slice flavored? No,

3:37

no, I figure I don't want to

3:39

add sweet tooth to the mix. So

3:43

when you just admitted this, because I was actually

3:45

shitting on vaping, and then you pulled one out

3:47

of your pocket, embarrassfully.

3:50

And so my follow up question

3:52

was, what do

3:55

you believe the benefit to be? The

3:57

health benefits? Well, there are just a reason you're

3:59

doing that. I

4:04

don't know why I chose timing

4:06

wise when I know the most

4:08

about how bad it is for

4:10

you. It turns your lungs into

4:12

popcorn as far as I know.

4:16

As far as I fall, I will

4:18

have no lung capacity when I land.

4:22

You can't go, ah, louder than you go. I

4:26

won't have enough lung capacity to let people

4:28

know I've fallen and cannot get up. The

4:31

worst. Yeah, so I, uh,

4:33

yeah, I've noticed that

4:35

I still have decent lung capacity.

4:38

This isn't an advertisement for it.

4:40

I'm just saying, okay,

4:43

I'm just embarrassed. I can't even

4:45

defend it. No, you can't. Well,

4:48

but lots of people, as my

4:51

focus said long ago, and I'm sure I've said on this

4:53

bad part, everybody needs

4:56

a little bit of oblivion. So,

4:59

especially these days, so if

5:01

you are not drinking, you're going to need a little

5:04

sentence something that gives you the old, okay,

5:06

I get to do what I want. Fuck you,

5:09

whoever person. Yeah, the man.

5:12

I, I, uh, it's my anti-establishment punk

5:14

rock thing that I've been doing. I

5:17

really, that's not even the reason. I

5:19

think you're right. It's just, I'm used

5:21

to having a little

5:24

reward system. Yep. And

5:26

now this is it for now. Yeah.

5:29

It's temporary. Uh,

5:31

I know how dangerous it is

5:33

because it's so easy to just,

5:36

you definitely get more nicotine than

5:38

from just smoking. Sure. For

5:41

sure. Well, it's way better than smoking. And look,

5:43

no judgments because I have smoked on

5:45

and off for a long

5:47

time. In the nineties, that was the

5:50

coolest thing. Remember when camels came out

5:52

with wides, camel wides, those big fat

5:54

fucking, I was like great, more

5:56

of the same please. Yeah. When

5:59

I moved to Texas, it was great. was like filters and

6:02

so I started smoking filterless

6:05

Turkish blend I think it was called.

6:07

Ouch. Yeah.

6:09

Yes. Really getting after it, making

6:11

up for all that lost healthy time. All that

6:14

lost healthy time that you weren't French. Yes.

6:18

And I started smoking immediately, started

6:20

kissing people three times on the

6:22

cheek upon entering a party. And

6:25

hating Americans, which is like what? You can't do

6:27

that. Yeah, and saying things like I need to

6:29

get back into swing dancing. But

6:32

yeah, I don't have

6:35

any desire. I don't think vaping

6:39

would lead back to smoking again. That's the

6:41

one thing I can say

6:43

about it that most people would probably agree.

6:45

Right. Vaping is a step toward stop

6:47

being addicted to nicotine. Yeah.

6:50

Even though it's more addictive than all the things

6:52

I've probably ever done. Yeah.

6:55

Yeah. There was

6:57

a time a couple of years

6:59

ago where I was dipping into the

7:01

cigs again. Yeah. Like, oh,

7:03

I used to smoke just like any, oh, let

7:05

me do my old tricks. You know, I flick

7:07

it in the air, it lands in my mouth,

7:09

people clap, I want little rewards. You're

7:12

a lot like a seal in that way. Yeah.

7:15

I really am. I really am. But.

7:18

It's just a

7:20

baloney shell on my chest. That's an otter.

7:23

I know I'm not. But maybe there's a thing that

7:25

can be your next step. My

7:31

only thing is I've heard so many bad things about the

7:33

chemicals that are in vapes that like, like

7:35

scientists are like scared because kids are doing it.

7:38

And they're like, this is so bad for you.

7:41

Yeah. So what would

7:43

be a good replacement hookah

7:45

pipe smoking? Um, no,

7:47

because then you got to go into

7:49

those hookah pipe specific establishments. Yeah.

7:52

But it's a great way to meet new people. I

7:55

suppose you're right. There's a

7:57

couple in Glendale that I've seen. you

8:00

know, I think you're right. I

8:02

gotta start frequenting these hookah bars. I

8:05

feel like in the time of COVID, a

8:08

hookah bar is a terrible idea. It's like,

8:10

here, I'll pick up this thing everyone's been

8:12

putting their mouth on. Oh, yeah, it's communal.

8:14

Everyone just gathers and puts their lips on

8:17

the same bagpipe

8:19

mouthpiece. What

8:21

if you instead of inhaling blew out and you could

8:23

play hookah bars? I'll tell you what happens. The

8:26

little charcoal piece blows out and the

8:28

staff yells at you. I

8:31

did that at a place called the Rainforest Cafe.

8:34

What? Yeah, I pretended I was,

8:36

you know, in a Scottish

8:38

funeral and I blew into the tube

8:41

and in Chernoff shot

8:44

the hot embers out. Isn't

8:47

the Rainforest Cafe where the mechanical

8:49

gorillas and monkeys thing to you? That's

8:52

the more popular one. Somehow without

8:54

a lawsuit, there was an independent

8:56

Rainforest Cafe by Meltdown Comics. Oh,

8:59

shit, really? That little, you know,

9:01

the little alleyway you would go

9:03

to search for parking, even

9:05

though there was never parking back there.

9:07

Yes. That there was a little building

9:09

right there. Oh. That was the Rainforest

9:11

Cafe. And sometimes after a show, we'd

9:14

all go there and I would drink

9:16

and somehow get home. Let's not talk about

9:18

it. So,

9:21

you know what? I'm

9:23

hearing you that of

9:26

all those things, this

9:29

is slightly better. Yes.

9:31

It's definitely, it was

9:34

gonna stay safer, that's actually not true. Right.

9:36

No. It does

9:38

not inhibit my

9:41

ability to operate a motor vehicle. I

9:43

mean, in that case, this podcast is

9:45

more dangerous. Well,

9:47

I'm operating it. I know. I don't know

9:49

why I always say we. Here's

9:52

what you don't know about as we podcast.

9:54

Karen Stears, but I have my left hand

9:56

down there operating the pedals. This is a

9:59

joint effort. And Annelise

10:01

actually records from the break area. Yeah,

10:03

yeah. So I have to watch for...

10:05

Are you okay down there? Be

10:08

careful. I just punched over. And

10:11

yet the riffing prevails. Oh, yes.

10:13

I mean. I

10:15

mean. I mean. What we're...

10:18

This right now is a good example. Oh my

10:20

God, it's hilarious. That was a riff. Gold

10:22

mine right there. We need to mark

10:24

that. Mark it with a star. I

10:29

need to counterbalance basically

10:32

me confronting you about vaping to do

10:34

my own embarrassing things so that you

10:36

don't feel bad and alone. Okay.

10:40

I'm... Just because our

10:42

personalities are slightly different, I will

10:44

not choose yours for you. You

10:48

know, I can... That's very smart of you.

10:50

Yes. Very smart of

10:52

you. Yes. That reminds me

10:54

of the hilarious story you told me where Mike

10:57

didn't know. You saw my givens and he

11:00

was like, oh, the last time I saw Karen and

11:02

he talked about this job we were on together and

11:04

it was something that he felt bad about. And

11:06

you go, I know she didn't care because

11:08

I've never heard of it. Really?

11:11

But maybe, you told me that it made me

11:13

laugh so hard because it really... It's

11:16

like, yep. Yep. And you

11:18

know me, you know everything I'm pissed off about. Well,

11:20

his reaction to me saying that, let me know how

11:22

well he knew you as well. Because he was like,

11:25

oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

11:28

I love that guy. There's very

11:30

little he could do to get off my good

11:32

list that Mike givens. But

11:36

I guess I will say this. He

11:39

just sno... So

11:42

truly, smoking isn't... I'm not

11:44

judging smoking. I'm worried about vaping for

11:46

every person that does it. Right. So

11:49

it's not that. It's not like you should be a certain way.

11:53

I guess I'm

11:55

embarrassed because I am genuinely addicted

11:58

to TikTok. including

12:00

buying whatever anybody tells me to

12:02

buy off TikTok. Oh wow. Okay. That's

12:05

a new layer of the

12:07

old onion. Yes. And I

12:09

now get robo calls from

12:12

all over the nation because they

12:14

sell your data. You

12:17

know what I mean? Like you basically do

12:19

like a one button pay thing. Okay.

12:21

You buy from somebody. They now have

12:23

your data and most

12:26

companies are just like, okay, buy in

12:28

my mic. There goes your data. That's

12:30

funny. I always say I don't care.

12:32

Yeah, go ahead. Have my data. I

12:35

haven't done any federal crimes, but I'm

12:37

realizing that is why I get 7a

12:39

calls a day. Yeah, probably.

12:41

It's not for signing up to that adult

12:43

website in 98. Right.

12:46

Oh, they don't have window cleaners.

12:49

Oh, yeah, I

12:51

noticed they're often

12:54

not there. They're squeegees. They're just

12:56

like because they know Tesla's are going to come

12:58

in and be assholes and leave. Well, the

13:00

funny thing is I've gone in and

13:02

said, hey, where are your squeegees? And

13:05

they just always say they just get

13:07

stolen. Oh, right. That makes

13:09

sense. Because if you have a squeegee and

13:12

a extra

13:14

saliva, you have yourself a

13:16

day of business for a

13:18

day. You don't need business right

13:20

now. Yeah. So it's hard to

13:22

be mad about it. But if

13:25

you really ask nicely, they have

13:27

extra squeegees in the store. Okay.

13:29

Let's see what this guy has to tell us. We've

13:31

got two in a row. And we can put what

13:33

I just said to the test. I can if they

13:36

don't have them up here at this gas station,

13:39

I almost called it a car restaurant. You

13:43

know, when you can't think of the word of the thing

13:45

and you come up with an almost better one. Because

13:48

you're looking at a picture in your brain. So you're

13:50

just trying to say here's what the picture looks

13:52

like. And it is just a car

13:54

with eyes and teeth. Spreegee. Yay.

13:57

Did you know the Chevron car is for

13:59

the from the original commercial

14:01

are what created the

14:04

cartoon cars? No. Larry

14:06

the Cable Truck and all that? Yeah.

14:09

That's a Chevron commercial turned into a

14:11

franchise. Wow. Okay, I'm

14:13

going to... They did great. Pause for a

14:15

moment. Yep. Wow,

14:20

that's so much better. Thank God.

14:26

Amazing job. Really

14:29

good. Look how much better that looks. I

14:31

mean, I really

14:34

did a better job on your side. I

14:36

mean, I know that we didn't need to

14:38

do my side

14:40

also, but there's something about...

14:42

No. It being even? I can

14:45

really do without those streaks I've left. Oh,

14:47

here, we'll do this. Oh.

14:50

Oh, I just

14:52

fucked up your old thing. It's okay. No, we

14:54

did some leaves. As

14:56

it's drying, I feel like this is one of

14:59

my better squeegee jobs. Yeah. Let's

15:01

keep in mind, a lot of those speckled,

15:03

those dots, that's tree sap. Oh, yeah. And

15:06

it's been on there for a while. I've

15:08

just been pretending I don't care. I

15:11

put enough elbow grease into it to where I do

15:13

believe I'll be sore. Yeah, we could

15:15

tell. Yeah, I put my back into

15:17

it. Yeah, you did. I appreciate it. Yeah.

15:21

It made a difference. Missy Elliott. Yeah. You

15:24

can do it. Am I right? Is that

15:26

Missy? I don't. I

15:28

couldn't say for sure. I can't say for

15:30

sure. That's why I'm going to rap it. No,

15:33

we've made that mistake more

15:35

than once. Many, many times

15:38

we've made that mistake. Oh, good. Yeah.

15:41

You know what I've learned since

15:43

we first started podcasting? What's up? When

15:45

someone's being a character, I needn't

15:47

make eye contact. Yeah. Yeah.

15:51

I was going to say, hey, nice hair,

15:53

hat off, hat back on, hair flip, buddy,

15:56

with my eyes. But I didn't. On

15:58

the street. I thought you were going to make a mistake. you meant from

16:00

like when James Adomian was doing Jesse Ventura.

16:04

Get on in here. Be a character

16:06

with us. Don't look at him. Don't

16:08

look directly at him. People have actually

16:10

said when I

16:13

talked to them after my shows and

16:15

talked to our fans, which is always

16:17

a nice experience, surprisingly 99% of the

16:20

time. Yes.

16:23

Yeah, they're great people. A lot of

16:26

people say, do you ever think about

16:28

just picking up a person? And

16:33

I just kind of, just

16:35

a stranger on days

16:37

where we, I think most people

16:39

love it when we don't have guests. I mean,

16:41

this is already one of our better episodes. But

16:45

like just grabbing her and being like, get in

16:47

here? Yeah. I'm like,

16:49

you, when you say that you're thinking

16:52

about your, you live in Fort Collins. Yeah.

16:55

Maybe. Yeah. It

16:58

would be, here's the thing that I like about

17:00

it because what they're saying is like, man

17:03

on the street can be fun and interesting. Sure it

17:05

is. But

17:07

as a person who's produced a lot of

17:09

human interest on television, I'm here to say

17:11

they're wrong about that. Yeah.

17:13

I think a lot of the men on the

17:16

street stuff they've seen, like if it's on TikTok

17:18

or if it's on the talk show or whatever,

17:20

it's highly fucking produced. Yeah.

17:23

They've recorded like eight versions

17:25

and this is the one that actually worked. Yeah.

17:28

You would think.

17:30

When I worked for Fuel and we just went

17:33

to Venice Beach without any kind of permit and

17:35

if anyone stopped us, we'd say it was for

17:37

school. They're like,

17:39

oh, okay. And

17:41

then they'd look down on us and we'd finish the day.

17:44

But there was so many times I

17:46

just picked the wrong person on the wrong

17:48

day. And

17:51

I thought, I wonder if my bills

17:53

will be covered if this turns

17:56

into a violent situation, but

17:59

it never happened. Or also, and

18:01

I've said this a lot,

18:04

because we've all been raised

18:06

on television, and everybody knows

18:08

how to be on television now, where

18:10

there was a time in our history

18:12

where people, that was not what anybody

18:14

did, and it was very odd. So

18:17

they didn't know how to talk to a camera, they didn't

18:19

know the sounds to make. So you

18:21

could actually get good man on the streets, that's

18:23

because people would be authentic. No

18:26

one is authentic anymore because everyone's watched American Idol and

18:28

da da da, and they know they don't want to

18:30

be this person, and they do kind of want to

18:32

be this person. So the idea of

18:34

getting a genuinely

18:36

entertaining authentic person

18:39

is so difficult. And my

18:41

thing was always, my rule when we

18:44

would pre-produce audiences was, no

18:46

redheaded ladies. Because the redheaded

18:48

lady already wants to be the one, and I

18:50

don't mean natural redheads, I mean like,

18:53

people see a dyed red-haired lady

18:55

and go, she's fun, let's talk to

18:57

her. Incorrect. That lady

18:59

wants you to talk to her, therefore

19:02

you're not going to get what you're looking

19:04

for. Right, otherwise she would never, hey talk

19:06

to me. Color-dive. Right, it's

19:08

just that it could be, now

19:11

as a dyed redhead, please don't

19:13

start crying or be enraged. Because

19:15

I'm simply talking about my experience

19:17

in television producing. As that dyed

19:19

redhead, aren't you a little excited

19:21

that we're talking about you right

19:23

now? Gene

19:25

with two N's and an E at the end. I

19:31

always say, Jeannie, sorry redheads. I

19:34

love it when you call me Jeannie. But

19:37

I'm just saying that the best time

19:39

you remember, like, oh let's talk to this

19:41

person and they're going to be normal but

19:44

also interesting, those people don't

19:46

want to be on camera. You have to

19:48

find them and make them be on camera,

19:50

that's how you get the good version. Yeah,

19:53

because everyone's little pocket computer is now a

19:55

production studio essentially. They also are savvy enough

19:57

to know, like, the time I worked for.

20:01

taxi magic and drove around in a

20:03

taxi and said, hey, we'll

20:05

give you your ride for free. If I

20:07

can ask you these trivia questions, almost

20:10

everyone said, no, thank you. I just want to

20:12

ride to the airport. And I'm like, yeah, that's

20:14

what I want too. And so the people

20:17

in the production and the actual people that

20:19

work for taxi magic, they

20:22

were not even around anymore. So I think it's okay to talk

20:24

about it. We had to

20:26

get their friends to show up and just, and

20:28

those were normal people. They're like, all right, I'm

20:30

doing my friend a favor and we got great

20:33

bus that way. Well, they have

20:35

to be a little on the inside in Los Angeles,

20:37

because you were in Los Angeles, right? Yes. That's

20:40

the thing. People move here, they

20:42

get into the business for a while.

20:44

And oftentimes most people get out of

20:46

the business that stay in the area.

20:48

So when they watch some, when they

20:50

watch the kids from the school walk

20:52

up with the camera, they've done

20:54

it already. They don't want, they're not, and

20:57

they're not, they don't think it's

20:59

great. They're not excited. You're interfering

21:01

with their day. And you're

21:03

probably the fourth person to have done it. Because

21:06

it's happened a lot. Yeah,

21:08

you should have asked me this 15 years ago

21:10

when I was trying to make it big. Now

21:12

leave me alone, I'm a union truck driver. Although

21:14

I will say this, our friend, Andrew

21:16

Michonne and his friend whose name you

21:18

might know, but I can't remember, they

21:21

have a podcast called Podcast But Outside.

21:23

Which is doing great. It's

21:26

a great podcast. It's a fucking hilarious idea

21:28

that is so work intensive that I'm like,

21:30

that's even a worse podcast than this one.

21:32

Where they sit at a table in chairs

21:35

with a sign that says Podcast But Outside

21:37

and talk to whoever comes up. And

21:39

I watched that thing with so much

21:41

anxiety and so much old

21:44

memories of horrible man on the street

21:46

experiences. And how many people you

21:48

have to talk to to get anything usable

21:50

in like a two or three minute package.

21:52

It's like exhausting. But those

21:54

guys have very

21:56

much that millennial Gen Z.

22:00

Hey Man skateboard energy, where

22:03

they are very good at whatever they

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get they use. Yeah, and they're

22:07

also disarming. They're just nice. And I've

22:09

seen them talk to dangerous people potentially

22:11

that are, they just have a way

22:14

of talking to them. Yeah. And being

22:16

real with them. And I even, or

22:19

they've been swung at 15 times and that just

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audible.com/wonderepod or text wonderepod to 500

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500 to try Audible for free

25:12

for 30 days. Hi,

25:17

can I get a tall

25:21

one pump hot mocha

25:25

and a bottle of water? I'll

25:27

have a grande coffee

25:29

with almond milk. And a grande coffee

25:32

with almond milk on a

25:34

leaf? That's gonna

25:36

be all. Thank you. You

25:38

ordered me a coffee I said cafe. I

25:40

don't know why. I don't know why I

25:42

said cafe. Can I have a cafe? Can

25:44

I have a cafe for my friend Jack

25:47

A? Oh my

25:49

god could you imagine if we booked Jack A on this

25:51

podcast? It's what

25:53

I know from reading The Secret repeatedly. If

25:57

you conjure it or if you visual... Remember

26:00

the words anymore. We need

26:02

some cash. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Thank

26:07

you. You

26:09

do what I do where, even though it's $1, you

26:11

fold it. Oh,

26:13

it was? It was. See, it works both ways,

26:16

because it looked like one folded dollar, and now

26:18

she's gonna be like, oh my God, that was

26:20

two. She's gonna be like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

26:23

Okay, I don't mean to be depressing on

26:25

this comedy podcast. No, I was just gonna

26:27

talk about local events. I

26:30

was just gonna say, I'm just driving

26:32

by so many buildings that were businesses

26:35

that are now closed. I

26:37

just keep looking at it. What a bummer. I know,

26:39

sorry. That's on

26:41

me. No, it

26:44

is a thing. Yeah, it is. It

26:46

is a thing more so in other

26:49

towns I've been to. Oh, really? In

26:52

Austin, it was kind of staggering and bumming out,

26:54

because I went to all my favorite areas, and

26:57

it was entire blocks. Especially

27:00

around U2 campus, everything

27:03

was closed, including the

27:05

stress test Scientology area. Oh my

27:07

God. Yeah, everything. Everything.

27:10

Yeah. We're

27:14

in a kind of a time of change, and

27:17

so I try to think of it like that. All

27:20

the things that are going on right now that

27:23

are so stressful and upsetting that

27:25

we're looking at on social media, everything

27:28

you look at is a worse thing. But

27:31

it's also a time of change. So it's like,

27:34

I don't want to freak out or whatever. I

27:37

just want to be like, okay, that

27:39

makes sense because no one can

27:42

afford to have a brick and mortar

27:44

business. Many people can't afford it the way they used

27:46

to be able to. Now they just

27:48

have to be an online business, and it works better

27:50

for people. Yeah, a better way,

27:52

even a more positive way of

27:54

looking at it is everyone's discovered.

27:57

You don't need a brick and mortar business. It's just like...

27:59

Why are we paying rent? We

28:02

could be boxing these up in our kitchen. Right.

28:05

And then there's a bunch of people who realize that and they're

28:07

like, I'm going to box this up in my kitchen and I

28:09

get to start making a ton of money because I'm good

28:12

at making, you know, natural body

28:14

oils or what have you or the things, all

28:16

the things I buy on TikTok. And

28:20

every time you feel guilty

28:22

for using Amazon, which I

28:24

guess we all should, it's the number one

28:26

polluter, but it's also where

28:29

a lot of independent people make

28:31

all their sales. Right. So

28:34

keep that in mind. True. I

28:36

mean, I'm sure Amazon takes a big chunk

28:38

of it, which brings it back to the

28:40

part of it being a problem. But here,

28:42

many problems. Do you want to have a

28:44

contest who can bum, be more bummer? Yeah,

28:46

let's do. Let's do. You know

28:48

I'll win it because in every mailbox there will

28:51

be a head with a knife in it. See,

28:53

I promise I wouldn't rap ghetto boys later. That's

28:57

from the Joe DeRosa episode long ago. Oh,

28:59

wow. And for you guys talked all

29:02

about this. I got to start listening to

29:04

more hip hop. Me

29:06

I'm talking about the same stuff

29:08

I was back then and he has

29:10

gone and become a sandwich tycoon. He's

29:13

a fucking sandwich tycoon. He is.

29:15

He pivoted. I know. I

29:18

just, here's the funniest thing. So Joe DeRosa,

29:21

friend of the podcast and

29:23

in real life, which is podcast are

29:25

real life, sorry to tell you. But

29:29

he moved back to New York from Los

29:31

Angeles and I hadn't talked to him

29:33

for a really long time. And then it

29:35

bummed me out because I was like, oh,

29:37

is this intentional on his third? Like, is

29:39

he mad at me for some reason? Yeah, that's what

29:41

we all think. Right. We really, we

29:43

need to be comforted by the fact that no

29:45

one else is thinking of anyone but themselves. Yeah,

29:48

true. And Joe's thinking

29:50

of himself and sandwiches. Yes.

29:53

But I really was like, oh no, did

29:55

I, whatever. This thing we all did. Yes. I

29:59

often. And I mean also, that

30:01

texts some people, men,

30:03

who don't say, hey, it's

30:06

me, Joe, and then say their message, they

30:08

just go, I was at this concert,

30:10

it made me think of you, blood and blood, text

30:13

me back, whatever. And I do not

30:15

text any of them back because I don't know who

30:17

they are. And I was like, if you're not in

30:19

my current phone, there might be a reason, and I'm

30:21

not following for this, and also you're the kind of

30:23

person that wouldn't put your name into a text, and

30:26

we haven't talked for a while. For me, just

30:28

so everyone knows, there's no rhyme or reason. There

30:30

are some very important people in my life that

30:32

I need to talk to every day, and

30:35

I still haven't recorded their name into my

30:37

phone because I'm getting these frequent texts,

30:39

so I just get lazy about it. And

30:41

it's like, well, we'll be corresponding tomorrow and

30:44

the next night, in

30:46

a year or so.

30:48

So why record there?

30:50

You, you're basically, hey, give me them

30:52

digits, and begin a relationship

30:54

of some sort. That's never

30:57

my idea. It's your preference. Well, what I'm

30:59

saying is you put a phone number into your phone

31:01

and never put a number. No,

31:04

no. Never put a name in. The information

31:06

keeps coming. You're

31:09

doing everything from memory? Right, and

31:11

well, when I see them in person, I'll be

31:13

like, hey, you, good to see you, because of

31:15

course I don't know their name. But

31:17

on my phone, to me, they're 3-1-0-5-8-7,

31:19

et cetera, 24. So,

31:22

you know, if anything, I know

31:25

them twice as

31:28

well as other people. No, this is the weirdest. Hold

31:32

on, this is a second shame piece for you. Now

31:34

I have to think of another one. Yeah, I am very lazy

31:36

about all the shame. I'm

31:39

very lazy about recording people's names in my

31:41

phone. I'm sorry, I

31:44

don't enjoy paperwork. Hold

31:46

on, there's no recording, and there's no

31:48

paper. It's one of those things that I'm

31:50

gonna do. It's still hard for me. You

31:53

type in the number, it's like, where's that plus sign

31:55

so I can add it? number

32:00

I always mess up and I'm like well let me

32:02

just send you a text I have to

32:04

put my strawberry vape pen down so this

32:06

is too hard why did

32:09

I buy a two-handed

32:11

vape hold it in your teeth

32:13

like the penguin like every other vapor yeah the

32:16

vape I have at home is just

32:18

like an alto sack it's

32:20

so big and baby and filled with

32:23

carcinogens no come on

32:25

it's just great flavor it's good for

32:27

you it's very do

32:30

you think you could have done a better job drawing

32:32

tacos on the side of that taco

32:34

truck yes or no be honest look

32:38

you know I they aren't

32:40

bad I can just tell that all

32:42

those ingredients it's clip art oh

32:45

so some of the tacos like that

32:47

that quesadilla is pretty good I like

32:49

that it's wood cut line art but

32:51

then the other one you see the

32:53

quesadilla next or the tacos next to

32:55

it's more like stipple and

32:58

then we got some crosshatching it's a mess I

33:00

don't like it when there's a bunch of illustrations

33:02

and it's like clearly

33:05

different people did them

33:07

all oh yeah or they went

33:09

to different books or quip art

33:11

things exactly yeah it's not stylistically

33:13

uniform no it's got to be

33:16

uniform in style yeah

33:22

I'm glad you brought that up actually it

33:24

would have bothered me had we not mentioned

33:26

it well you

33:28

know I goes don't match that

33:30

quesadilla keep talking about phone numbers

33:33

don't get sidetracked hey

33:38

how were your shows in Fort Collins

33:40

and why thank you

33:42

for asking you're so fun

33:45

I felt I finally

33:47

gotten a grasp on this new feeling

33:50

of being super nervous before shows yeah until

33:52

I get that first laugh and then I

33:54

just am in control of things because my

33:56

brain works a little better so I feel

33:59

like I stand up some more fun.

34:02

I have a joke now where I just

34:05

talk about my stand-ups a

34:07

little like jazz music. A

34:09

lot of it's terrible. And

34:12

then I get to go like, blah blah blah blah

34:15

blah. And then everyone in

34:17

the crowd usually yells, no porn! And

34:20

it makes me, I almost cry. I

34:23

let her cry. Well, I know

34:25

why they're coming to see me, but

34:27

it's just a moment that is

34:30

reminding me all at once in

34:32

accountable voices. Yeah, yeah.

34:34

I also didn't realize we

34:36

had that many listeners. I

34:39

always forget. If you, and

34:42

I'm not going to ask you again

34:44

to start doing stand-up, because I know

34:47

it's not like, oh

34:49

yeah, I'll just do it. But

34:51

if you did, it would be a life

34:55

force for you to realize. Just

34:58

because I keep forgetting, and then I go back

35:00

out and it's all these people I'm like, oh

35:02

yeah, people, it's just, I don't get

35:04

those reminders in town. I don't get them for

35:06

some reason a little bit here

35:08

and there. Right. Well, no

35:10

one's going to, a group of people aren't going to yell mouth horn at

35:12

you at the end. Sorry

35:14

to say. No, but it's

35:17

been amazing. And afterwards,

35:20

hanging out and talking for at

35:23

least an hour. Nice. Because

35:26

I sell my little posters and I'm like,

35:28

just come say hi. And everyone buys a

35:30

poster, whether they want one or not. And

35:32

they're so nice. And again, I've been getting

35:34

the Starbucks cards. I just want

35:36

you to know that these people are coming.

35:39

I love it. I do always think like, wow,

35:42

Karen needs a taste of this. I do.

35:45

I love medicine because it is

35:48

amazing. So it's been great. And

35:51

yeah, I didn't plan this last trip

35:53

very well. I got the cheapest flight

35:56

because I did, you

35:58

know, it was fun gig. It

36:00

wasn't like, you know, I do

36:02

some big money gigs, corporates, boats. We've

36:05

heard the golf tournaments that you've

36:07

eaten and stuff. Sure, yeah, I

36:09

do the Christmas party for Halliburton.

36:13

But this, you know, I was

36:15

hanging out. I had like a

36:18

nine-hour layover that required me to

36:20

be in the Las Vegas airport.

36:22

No! Hey, were you wondering

36:24

if there's food ground into the carpet from

36:26

four years ago? You'll

36:28

know once you go to Las Vegas

36:31

airport, terminal A, where

36:33

I saw one fight. I

36:35

saw pretty much everyone was drunk. Oh

36:37

yeah, fish were thrown, no one broke

36:40

it up. And of course, Flavor

36:42

Flav was there. Why wouldn't Flavor

36:44

Flav just be in the airport, being

36:46

clawed at by people? And

36:48

he was very nice to everyone. He'd

36:51

like, oh, roll his eyes and then turn

36:53

around and go, yeah, boy, and take a

36:55

selfie. And

36:58

just so many bedazzled pockets

37:00

of true religion jeans, which I'm

37:02

not being classist or anything, because

37:04

those are expensive jeans. You're reporting

37:06

the facts simply. With

37:09

the flap on them, those back pockets with

37:12

the cowboy-cut flap. And

37:14

DMs, tons of D-Mastrums. Which,

37:17

I have to say, if you're sitting in front

37:20

of the old one-armed bandit for seven hours, which

37:22

is why you're in Las Vegas, you could

37:24

pick a more comfortable pants. A killer

37:26

from the fugitive? You're

37:34

just sitting in front of that actor the whole time?

37:36

I didn't curl my wife. How was

37:38

that? That's Harrison

37:41

Ford. I didn't curl my wife. It's Harrison Ford,

37:43

it's not the one-armed bandit. Yeah,

37:45

but the one-armed bandit curled

37:47

my wife. I hate

37:49

snakes. How's that? It's really good.

37:52

Thanks. Yeah, I get some. It's

37:55

the same as my Jon Hamm. You just have to

37:57

go low. Oh, what's a Jon

37:59

Hamm? Can we just get a taster? I

38:02

have a huge dick. Sorry. I've

38:06

reportedly. Apparently.

38:09

Purportedly. Acting.

38:11

He's the Huey Lewis thing.

38:13

Famous leader. Didn't

38:16

Deb Benson have a joke about Huey Lewis as

38:18

a dick at that one part of the

38:21

movie Shortcuts? Huey Lewis is in it and

38:23

he is standing on the side and

38:26

he pulls his dick out to pee and it's

38:28

just this gigantic dick. Oh, he

38:30

actually saw it? It's in the movie.

38:33

Oh, okay. I think it is common

38:35

knowledge and if it is, and April

38:38

Richardson will remind you that Huey

38:40

Lewis, that's

38:42

the news. He's got

38:45

a big old

38:48

meat cannon as I wish I hadn't just said.

38:50

Sorry. Excuse me. Wait,

38:56

what did you do for Halloween? I did

38:58

nothing. I was, well...

39:01

In Las Vegas Airport? I

39:03

was not feeling well when I got home and one of

39:05

my layovers waiting for

39:07

a shuttle from

39:09

downtown, or Union Station

39:12

in Denver, I had

39:15

five hours I needed to pass before I got...

39:17

Oh, that person's just gonna keep... No. Wow.

39:20

I know you have a toothache but stop it. Should

39:22

have bandaged around her. It was her mess.

39:25

Yeah, it was the other toothache. She

39:27

had an old piece of gauze

39:29

wrapped around her head. It

39:32

could be an Halloween costume. When I did get

39:34

on the shuttle, there was a man with a

39:36

sharpened stick with, I hope, fake blood on it.

39:39

Oh, what? Yeah, he was a

39:41

large, I guess, bumpy, the vampire

39:43

slayer, or a real life murderer.

39:46

But he had a sharpened

39:48

stick. Or a seal hunter. Hey,

39:51

get off my eyeball, loney pal. That's

39:54

Christmas. That's my costume. I

39:56

didn't... I brought stuff to

39:58

be Robert's name. from the

40:00

cure. Oh. But I didn't, I

40:03

decided I just wanted to do stand-up and not.

40:06

Okay. I did some prastic,

40:09

prastic, some prastic surgery. Practice

40:14

sets at a

40:16

regular club where there

40:19

was no dinosaurs.

40:23

Oh, and so it's Christian. And

40:27

they don't celebrate Halloween? Right, right.

40:29

Yeah, none of the heathens that listen to

40:31

our podcast were there. It's just regular folks.

40:33

And I need to keep doing that because

40:35

I don't want to. It

40:39

makes me try a little harder when it's just

40:41

a bunch of grumpy dads. Yes. So I did

40:43

a couple of grumpy dads. The

40:48

MC at those shows spent so much

40:50

time. The first night he was the

40:52

joker and he put a lot of

40:54

work into his makeup. The next night

40:56

he was Freddy Krueger and his daughter

40:58

had done all this face makeup and

41:00

the audience was like mad

41:03

or something. They didn't, they wanted him to

41:05

be the comedian. Yeah. Not the, he was

41:08

like, I don't know why I'm having weird

41:10

sets. And it's like, you're a scary monster.

41:12

Yes, you're a scary monster that's like anyway.

41:14

So anyways, what else is in the news?

41:17

Well, I guess what's in the news, Freddy Krueger,

41:19

is that you died in the boiler room and

41:21

local kids are the ones that killed you and

41:24

now you're getting a revenge. They couldn't get

41:26

the plot from those movies out of

41:28

their head. Right. Yeah. It was like,

41:30

I'd love to enjoy your jokes, but

41:32

you killed all the counselors and the

41:35

campers. You pulled beautiful

41:37

young Johnny Depp down through a mattress.

41:39

I'll never forget it when I first saw it.

41:42

Oh yeah, that was Johnny Depp. Yeah. He had

41:44

21 Jump Street. Yes. Early, one

41:46

of his first gigs. Pre Greco, my

41:48

friend Jennifer gearing my dear,

41:51

beautiful life long friend Jennifer gearing who

41:55

we spent. Our parents were friends. So

41:57

she was like, she was my sister

41:59

got to invite a friend every time we

42:01

went somewhere and I automatically got Jennifer

42:03

gearing up. I was like, oh,

42:05

she's the one I would pick on as well, but

42:08

I always just wanted the choice, but I would

42:10

pick Jennifer anyway because she was the funniest,

42:12

most fun person of all time. Oh,

42:15

she called me because it was her birthday. I was going

42:17

to her house for her birthday and she

42:19

goes, I got this movie, Karen.

42:22

You are not gonna believe this guy. This guy

42:24

in it, like you're not gonna believe your eyes.

42:27

And then we put

42:29

the movie in, we're watching it and he comes on

42:31

screen and we were like, we

42:33

couldn't believe our eyes. Just Johnny Depp

42:35

as an extra? He

42:38

was the first to die, so he was

42:40

like a minor player in that movie.

42:42

He was the Drew Barrymore of that movie. Yeah, exactly.

42:44

I don't know first, actually. There's horror fans,

42:47

we'll be like, what the fuck? He was the

42:49

third to die. That's the

42:51

last episode of Do You Need

42:53

a Road? I listened to. Wow, I

42:55

guess I need to... I've never

42:57

really watched, you know, I'm a dream

42:59

warrior guy. Third in

43:02

the franchise. That's the only

43:04

nightmare. Seriously. That was interesting.

43:06

She was moseying across that

43:08

fucking street. Yeah, what are

43:10

you, John Wayne? I get

43:13

that your skirt looks like a picnic blanket.

43:15

Yeah. Get the fuck out of my way.

43:17

Yeah, go chase some ants

43:19

with your watermelon wedge. You

43:22

know, a picnic. So

43:26

I forgot where we were.

43:29

Johnny Depp. Dream warrior. Franchise.

43:34

Franchise. There we have it. Next

43:38

subject. We're over. I

43:40

am waiting for the shuttle.

43:42

I passed the time. I had

43:44

a non-alcoholic beer and I

43:46

ordered a Scotch egg, something that

43:49

I had once at the

43:51

Village Idiot. Melrose, and

43:53

it's so delicious. You know,

43:55

I'm not a huge meathead, but it

43:58

is a... meat, encapsuled,

44:03

hard-boiled egg

44:06

that is then fried. So of course

44:08

it's good. And I was feeling like

44:10

I needed some comfort. I didn't have

44:13

my vape. And

44:16

I bit into it and it was flavorless

44:18

in a way where I was like, okay,

44:21

this is not cooked, I

44:23

don't think. So

44:25

I didn't finish it and I didn't think

44:27

about it. And I had a great show

44:29

that night and I had a beautiful hotel

44:31

in Fort Collins, the Armstrong. It was haunted

44:34

and I don't need to know

44:36

that by the way because I actually didn't sleep

44:38

very well because every little knock in the night

44:40

I thought was Emily. I looked her up online, the

44:43

ghost was named Emily. Anyway,

44:45

at checkout the next day, 11

44:47

o'clock, that is right when food

44:49

poisoning hit me. Oh! And I... You

44:51

have buried the lead this entire episode,

44:54

Chris. You know, you know me.

44:56

I wish I was a doctor.

44:58

I've been holding this vomit

45:01

and diarrhea story and the

45:04

details are now going to

45:06

flow. It's just

45:08

I was in such a... And I called

45:11

the front desk and they understood right away

45:13

they were so sweet. I'm like, hi, I

45:15

am good at packing. I'm needing

45:17

to check out of the room but

45:19

I just got egged yesterday and I

45:21

know it wasn't cooked and I'm experiencing

45:23

I believe food poisoning and

45:25

they're like, oh no, you need to be

45:28

near a bathroom at all times. They knew

45:30

right away. Yes. But

45:32

I still had to check out of my room. They

45:35

gave me an extra hour and I did

45:37

as much as I could in that time.

45:39

But then I was

45:42

just kind of wandering the

45:44

winter streets of Fort Collin

45:46

visiting each sidewalk tree. Barfing!

45:50

Yeah, well, be thankful

45:52

it wasn't double duty. Oh,

45:58

I was in trouble. And then... I

46:02

called David Rodriguez,

46:06

the guy that runs the

46:09

comedy fort, and he

46:11

said there's a key in the back. And

46:14

I went in and I went to it.

46:16

Because I had a shuttle, I had my flight.

46:18

It was like, I do not have time for

46:20

this. This is the worst. Do I have to

46:23

stay an extra night and miss my flight? Did

46:25

you? No. I managed

46:27

to pull it off. I

46:29

just was like, every

46:31

time there was a restroom, whether it was an

46:33

emergency or not, I was sick. We

46:36

all get sick. I'm not being

46:38

dirty. No, no, food poisoning,

46:40

I love talking about food poisoning because

46:42

it's happened to me, I believe twice, but

46:45

the most recent time it's happened. It's happened.

46:49

Wait, I think it's only happened once. Is it

46:51

happening right now? Do

46:54

you mind if I barf into this side

46:56

pocket of my car? It was

47:00

the idea of it, like

47:03

it was so consistent barfing and shitting

47:05

for almost $48 that I was like,

47:08

this is getting dangerous. I

47:11

had to look up where I should know this

47:13

has to be now a medical issue

47:15

at the hospital. Because it

47:19

was so crazy, I would take little tiny sips

47:21

of water, fat four minutes later, bum back up.

47:25

It was insanity. This

47:28

was on Monday that I was coming back. My

47:30

show was on Sunday at 4Con. Yesterday,

47:35

I was pretty worthless. I don't feel amazing

47:38

right now, but I did

47:40

not eat at all for 24 hours. It

47:42

was out of the question. Yogurt, saltines, none

47:44

of it, no way. I

47:46

just muscled through. In

47:50

the past when I've had food poisoning, that's

47:53

why I'm not entirely sure.

47:56

Well, I did have it. I just didn't eat

47:58

that whole scotch egg. It was two eggs. cut

48:00

in half. It would have been to it. I

48:02

just get one. I'm like, that's not cooked. Had

48:07

I done through all of them, I

48:09

would have also had incredible abdominal sharp

48:12

pain, but I didn't have that. I

48:14

just, it was kind of a weird

48:16

fun version where I actually felt okay

48:18

physically. I was joking about it. I

48:20

was smiling and waving at people as

48:22

I publicly vomited. It

48:24

was like, it was as fun

48:26

a version of it as possible.

48:29

It wasn't the fetal position for three

48:31

days. I mean, it's about the friends

48:33

you make along the way with fruit

48:35

poisoning, I feel like. I

48:38

never felt so social. It

48:40

was such a weird timing.

48:43

I gotta share this with everyone. You were being

48:45

forced to share it with everyone. How

48:47

vulnerable is it when you're just uncontrollably

48:51

puking on the street in Fort Collins? It's

48:53

weird how when your offices are open, so

48:55

is your heart. Listen,

48:59

if you saw Chris Barfing in Fort Collins,

49:01

please write in and let us just describe

49:03

it to us in detail. I was in

49:05

Old Town. I was wearing a Pendleton.

49:10

You saw me. I was the only guy with

49:13

luggage also, and

49:16

it was cold. Normally

49:18

you go to a park and just deal with it,

49:20

but it was all the

49:23

way winter. That's truly terrible.

49:25

Thank you, David, at Comedy Port

49:27

for letting me. He wasn't

49:29

even there. He'd let me go in.

49:31

David. Then it was hilarious because I'd

49:33

be like, okay, I have to get

49:36

my shuttle. He's like, oh, that's good

49:38

because the mayor and some reporters are

49:40

coming now. They're doing an expose

49:43

on the next.

49:46

On Scotch Egg? Yes,

49:48

and they're aftermath. I'd be

49:51

a perfect interview for this, but I gotta catch

49:53

up. You're here for it, Marvin. The

49:58

mayor's about to do it. the ribbon-cutting

50:00

ceremony and I just puke on the

50:02

scissors. Sorry. Horrifying.

50:07

Yeah, it was awful. Just the

50:09

timing. It was so bad that it

50:11

was kind of funny. Yeah, it is funny. Like how

50:13

is this happening? At 11 it

50:16

hit me. And

50:18

it was a nice hotel, so check out, was it 11? And

50:21

they're like, you can have an hour. Yeah. It's

50:24

just like, do you understand how food

50:26

poisoning works? Actually, they were nice at

50:28

the Armstrong. They were like, at

50:30

12, check back in with us. But I

50:32

was like, I'm feeling okay. And I went

50:35

down to the lobby and then I'm like,

50:37

no, I'm not. And they brought me seven

50:39

up. Oh, right. And

50:41

she got me a water and they kept checking on me. And

50:43

they yelled mouth horn at you? No,

50:46

no, it was just the kindness of

50:48

strangers. Yeah, the old

50:50

fashioned, they just

50:53

thought I was a businessman. That's

50:57

because you save your dockers

50:59

for being when you're on the road, right? Oh

51:02

yeah, yeah. You know, if I got a flight,

51:04

got to put on the pleated front. Did

51:07

you see, I saw the picture

51:09

of you at the

51:12

tattoo coffee place that has the

51:14

Fairbanks now. Oh, I have to give

51:16

you your sweatshirt. Yeah, you-

51:18

That's super sweet. They gave me a sweatshirt

51:20

to give you. You withhold all my gifts.

51:23

I have it. I have it and I

51:25

will not hold a costume to slide your

51:27

49ers gear. Wait, I

51:29

still haven't given that to my dad, by the

51:31

way. So I'm equally guilty. Well, it is hard.

51:34

It is in my car. I

51:37

will give it to you right as we wrap. But

51:39

are you saying they gave you a sweatshirt to give

51:41

to me or you just have one of my old

51:43

sweatshirts? Oh, no, no. No,

51:45

they said, here's your sweatshirt. Here is

51:47

also Karen's. Oh, what does

51:49

it look like? I'm so excited. It's the

51:51

one I'm wearing in that photo. It's got

51:54

a Pegasus that is also a

51:56

unicorn. I don't know what those

51:59

are called. the pega

52:01

corn. A pega corn and you

52:04

know it just looks like kind of a

52:06

cool glam like

52:08

heavy metal soup it's a super sweet

52:10

tattoo and it's got the very cool

52:13

illustration and it's just

52:15

your size. That's great and thank you

52:17

thank you super sweet

52:20

not you super sweet tattoo.

52:22

Well you're welcome. Order of

52:24

my gifts. Yes it's been

52:27

my pleasure

52:32

Karen. If

52:35

I left the house I would get gifts too. Yes

52:37

and I just didn't

52:41

know they said if

52:44

we did a drink for Karen would it be mocha

52:48

latte? I'm like that sounds right. Yeah.

52:50

But you know me when we're in

52:52

those drive-thrus I just think of my

52:54

own orders. You're just like what's my

52:57

order? But we have to maybe for

52:59

an episode go to super sweet tattoo

53:02

and coffee and go

53:04

in get some drinks and

53:06

get some ink done. Yeah.

53:08

Should we get matching diner? I

53:10

don't even care anymore. I'll get

53:12

a dinosaur

53:15

on my elbow or something. I'll

53:18

do it. I like

53:20

little tiny I'm a big fan

53:22

of little like that Friday

53:26

the 13th like flash art

53:28

day where they were doing it

53:31

was like a party there. I

53:33

was out of town but little

53:36

tiny tattoos I like how they look.

53:38

Yeah I like people's tattoos these days. I think

53:40

for me it doesn't make a ton of... it's too late for me. I

53:42

think although I think it's a little bit of a

53:44

thing although that would... Where is it

53:47

the exact right time? Or is it

53:49

perfect as I'm in my mid fucking

53:51

50s? But I could get

53:53

my salmon tattoo fixed because

53:56

I have a tramp stamp that's a salmon that

53:58

is just the weirdest dumbest. Alcoholic

54:00

thing I've ever done. Karen, it's a

54:02

lower back art piece. But,

54:06

yeah, I know what you're saying. At the time you

54:09

got it, you wear a tramp. I feel like... Or

54:12

you could get the exact same tattoo I have, and

54:14

then I don't have to do anything, and you have

54:16

to do it. It'd be funny if I got

54:18

a fish on my lower back. Just a

54:20

nice salmon. I

54:22

think I do want to get something

54:24

there. I figure, why not now? If

54:27

we had gotten these statues when we

54:29

were younger, right now they'd be all

54:31

faded. Yeah, mine's kind of

54:33

faded. Yeah. It doesn't look

54:36

good. Time to get doctored up. I was

54:38

going to turn my band-aid back into a

54:40

band-aid and not a corn dog severed penis.

54:42

So, just fill it with some

54:44

pink and lay on some black mines. And

54:47

then that's what then? Not

54:49

a severed penis? No, it'll be back

54:51

to being a band-aid. Yeah.

54:55

The original purpose. I

54:59

always liked that idea. It is a good idea.

55:01

Tattoos of band-aids on my knees and elbows. Yeah.

55:05

Because, you know, skateboarding and stuff.

55:08

Yeah? Yeah. Oh,

55:10

I thought it was just kind of random and an object.

55:13

Just something to stick on your... Yeah,

55:15

it is kind of arbitrary. It could

55:17

be anything, really. But,

55:19

yeah, we'll get tattoos. It's what we'll do. Okay.

55:22

Or we'll go there and you can do whatever

55:24

you want. And I'll do whatever I

55:26

want. Right. Yeah. I

55:28

mean, the idea of having a drink... We can just meet

55:30

there and go our separate directions. And not

55:32

talk. And we will not be recording and it'll

55:34

be like we're in a fight. Yeah. Okay.

55:38

Yeah. Perfect. I

55:40

like that. That's fun. It'll be a very special

55:42

episode. And then it'll be

55:44

the lost episode because we didn't record it. Oh,

55:46

those days are over. Oh,

55:49

my God. Sorry,

55:51

I didn't... That wasn't supposed to be a

55:53

joke against you at all. No. No. No.

55:57

It wasn't... I swear it wasn't. It wasn't taken as a joke.

56:00

Okay, good. It was

56:02

a odd glitchy act. I

56:06

Swear nothing was done wrong. It

56:08

was just haunted that day. It

56:10

was haunted in a way that you

56:13

and I in our Moderate

56:15

podcast experience. I'd never even heard

56:17

before or it was like It

56:20

was kind of ghosty or it's like it's

56:23

you and me and Tig having the greatest

56:25

conversation ever But underwater moved

56:27

to tears. Yeah, or like

56:29

with radio static behind it. Yeah,

56:32

it was bizarre Because it

56:34

would start to sound normal and then voices

56:37

would slow down and get pixelated if

56:40

you could imagine what a pixel sounds like and

56:44

Yeah, just But

56:46

like actually it sounded like it

56:48

was possessed. Wait a second. Let's

56:51

ask our engineer Slash producer

56:54

mostly producer, but only

56:56

what do you think happened? Yes, if

56:58

that's the sound I

57:14

love it inside baseball, but if

57:16

I always say like if you're at 10

57:18

hours left on your card reset it because I

57:24

Didn't know that that's why because I only

57:27

still tell me that well when we were doing it

57:29

on zoom And then I'll be like

57:31

I'm down to three hours No one can tell me what

57:33

to do and I just thought you meant it like we're

57:35

gonna run out of time But I didn't realize I could

57:37

actually be fucking up the report. Yeah, sorry

57:40

about that No, and back then I also

57:42

was doing a lot of you

57:44

know, whoops. I just pull it out without Throwing

57:48

it in the trash and ejecting all

57:50

that sorry. Welcome to tech talk. I

57:52

mean guys podcasting is hard Sorry

57:54

to tell you. Yeah, and for

57:57

years we treated it like it was

57:59

easy You

58:01

can't treat hard things like they're easy

58:04

and expect to get every single

58:06

episode. Yeah So

58:08

that's the store. I'm glad I got that

58:10

food poisoning off my chest that kind of

58:12

and out of your butt Just

58:17

when I think I'm the one you become

58:20

one yep a dirty dirty

58:22

bird I Really

58:28

took when I got food poisoning I took it

58:30

personally because it was I

58:32

ate it was a Chinese chicken salad, but

58:34

it was not made with lettuce It was made with

58:36

cabbage which in and of itself is gross. And so

58:38

I Ingested a

58:41

bunch of E. Coli basically on

58:43

this cabbage. I can't like when something

58:46

is like with this coleslaw I'm like,

58:48

ooh and this happened Um

58:51

Easily 15 years

58:53

ago, right? It's still that thing of like

58:56

when you're in a violent barfing Situation,

58:59

you don't forget it. No, don't I

59:01

will forever blame Scotch

59:03

eggs eggs in general

59:05

and the Scottish people. Yes, and I

59:09

You know much like the time I've got

59:11

so Should have been

59:14

in a hospital hungover. It was Something

59:16

called Southern Comfort, which I've never

59:18

been able to even smell. Oh

59:21

that drink. Yo, that's not even

59:23

a drink Yeah, it's a bathroom

59:25

cleanse. It's syrup. It is

59:27

syrupy Cleanser and

59:29

I still I still remember what it

59:31

tastes like this guy wanted to

59:33

fight me No,

59:38

this was no this wasn't one of those

59:40

many many times I punched him here and

59:42

said I don't like the look you cut

59:45

your Jib asshole. Wait, that's me. I like

59:47

a too late man's cut No,

59:50

this was a dude that was

59:53

later became an acquaintance But this

59:56

night he had a problem with me just

59:58

because I was there and I did didn't have

1:00:00

an outlet so I was being sarcastic

1:00:04

and rude. That's

1:00:06

what Southern Comfort's all about. And

1:00:08

then instead of we got the

1:00:10

fight was broken up, it

1:00:13

was just a pushing thing. I went to

1:00:15

an after party and wouldn't you know in

1:00:17

the living room was this same exact

1:00:20

guy. Oh shit. And

1:00:22

so rather than fight he handed me this

1:00:25

bottle of Southern Comfort and we drank it

1:00:27

out. I did not know that what

1:00:29

I was drinking, I was a young man. It

1:00:31

was like 90 proof and

1:00:34

I got, I should have been in a

1:00:36

hospital. I was sick for many days. It

1:00:38

was a terrible

1:00:41

experience. That guy, he passed

1:00:43

away. You

1:00:45

know most of my stories, we either got to end with

1:00:47

a laugh or end

1:00:49

with a sad. Or drive it

1:00:52

directly down into the ground. That's

1:00:54

right. Yeah. It's important. You

1:00:56

don't want to leave a story idling? No. Let's

1:00:59

not stay neutral and certainly not let's

1:01:01

not leave anybody's previous sadness. Just

1:01:03

remind them there's more sadness in

1:01:06

the world. Maybe

1:01:08

people hearing that will go hey, at

1:01:10

least I am not

1:01:12

dead. Right. Yeah. It's

1:01:15

important to give people those little tests. Yeah.

1:01:19

Quick reminder, we're all alive. We're

1:01:21

very lucky to be alive. Let's talk

1:01:23

about the passing Matthew Perry. Oh no.

1:01:26

I know. I've done it again. I

1:01:29

just really, I realized

1:01:31

how much, I don't think you know

1:01:34

how much. I didn't have a

1:01:36

picture of him on my wall when I lived in Bend,

1:01:38

Oregon. But you

1:01:40

did. Sounds like you did the way you said that. I

1:01:42

had a picture of him doing a pharaenis note on my

1:01:44

wall. I was way into friends. It was at a point

1:01:46

where I was young enough to not

1:01:48

care as much about Seinfeld, which I think

1:01:50

came on right after or

1:01:52

right before. Right. It was a Thursday

1:01:54

night. But all the

1:01:56

snowboarders in

1:01:59

our little group. would come over and we

1:02:01

had a friend's night and we were very

1:02:03

invested in the first couple seasons before Ross

1:02:05

and Rachel got together and I often

1:02:08

am not bragging but a lot of people thought

1:02:12

I was a Chandler type. Oh. The

1:02:15

sarcasm and I really, I like. The

1:02:17

gesturing you're doing right now? And yes, exactly.

1:02:20

He, this is such a bing thing. That

1:02:22

guy's famous from TikTok. The guys that got

1:02:24

out of that Bentley, yes. You really have

1:02:27

a problem. I know, that was crazy. But

1:02:30

all the interviews with him and stuff

1:02:32

lately that have been surfacing, I realized

1:02:35

how goddamn funny he was. Oh my

1:02:37

God. Amazingly funny. Really,

1:02:39

like, conversationally

1:02:42

hilarious. Sharpest attack. Also,

1:02:46

he was a child actor. Thank you, sir.

1:02:48

Appreciate it. He was, yes, he was a

1:02:50

child actor who was on a show called Just

1:02:52

the Ten of Us, just as a, like, Just the

1:02:54

Ten of Us was like a guy

1:02:57

that was a coach at a high school that had 10 children. And

1:03:00

so each child was a different personality and it

1:03:02

was one of those syndicated shows like Small Wonder.

1:03:05

Oh wow. And when

1:03:07

my sister and I watched those kinds of

1:03:09

shows on the weekend, we like literally were

1:03:11

like, if anyone was good or above average,

1:03:13

we'd like memorize, we'd look their names up

1:03:16

or look, you know, wait for their names

1:03:18

in the credits, blah, blah, blah. Back when IMDB,

1:03:20

you had to go to the library and look at

1:03:22

the books. And you'd be like, fucking, you either, you

1:03:24

got the credits and if you miss them, you'd never see

1:03:26

it again and you'd never know their names. But

1:03:29

Matthew Perry was like a boy that one of the

1:03:31

girls on that show liked for one episode. And

1:03:33

we were like, that guy. And so when, later

1:03:36

on, when he was on Friends and just like

1:03:38

so gigantic, my sister actually is the one that's

1:03:40

really good at that. She called

1:03:42

George Clooney. She called Ellen

1:03:44

DeGeneres. She called Matthew Perry. Like, we

1:03:46

would watch the TV. Like, that guy's got the good. Yes.

1:03:49

Oh wow. I kind of could tell like that

1:03:51

is that, you know, star quality

1:03:54

thing. And he had it when he was like

1:03:56

13 years old. Do you remember?

1:03:59

Jason Bates. Oh,

1:04:01

yeah, I mean that he was

1:04:03

we loved him so much

1:04:05

and still do yeah, and I

1:04:08

love Justine The

1:04:11

there was a show called misfits of

1:04:13

science I think yeah, Courtney Cox was

1:04:15

on it like someone was able to

1:04:17

get small I can't remember what all

1:04:19

their powers were. Yeah, I remember

1:04:21

that show. Yeah, I Because

1:04:24

I first saw her after that in like

1:04:26

Ace Ventura, but she was on

1:04:28

that show. Yeah, so Type

1:04:30

that into your Hulu and pay for a 99 an

1:04:32

episode Miss

1:04:34

it to science. Let's check and see if it's

1:04:36

good. I wonder if it well, that would be

1:04:38

like young adult type of show,

1:04:40

right? Yeah, that's definitely why yeah,

1:04:43

interesting. We watched a movie last night because

1:04:45

it was Halloween

1:04:48

so me and the great Jack Noah towers has been

1:04:50

on this podcast with us We watched

1:04:53

a movie from 2007 called

1:04:55

trick-or-treat, which is like an anthology

1:04:58

So it's like little creepy stories Leslie

1:05:00

bibb gets murdered right in the

1:05:02

beginning which we were like what why would she

1:05:05

be immediately dead? She's like a star and then

1:05:07

all these people Anna

1:05:09

Paquin was in it Brian Cox

1:05:11

from succession was in a while and

1:05:14

like each individual story. It was

1:05:18

Really good. Wait, why am I telling this story

1:05:20

now? I can't remember if you get killed in

1:05:22

the middle of her at the very beginning

1:05:24

of an 80s horror movie Apparently, it means you're

1:05:26

gonna be a superstar Right. It's

1:05:29

ever this was from 2007. Oh, my point was okay the

1:05:34

shit they were saying and the shit they were

1:05:36

doing is like Just

1:05:38

now that we have a little we have a

1:05:41

little time a little time has passed between like

1:05:43

when people started going Hey, you shouldn't do that.

1:05:45

You shouldn't say that our word. You should be

1:05:47

nicer You should not just because

1:05:49

a person is different should doesn't mean they should get

1:05:52

Stabbed and everyone makes fun of them. Whatever

1:05:54

be a better joke writer. Exactly

1:05:56

be a little more creative and pick

1:05:58

on the bully not the

1:06:01

kid being picked on or whatever. I'm doing it

1:06:03

with my stand-up even. It's a good thing. Yes,

1:06:06

it's important. Yeah. Well, you've always done it. I

1:06:08

mean, like, your stand-up is not, you

1:06:10

would never punch down. I can't imagine

1:06:12

that you'd ever do that. But in this movie,

1:06:14

there was only 2007. I've always

1:06:17

been middle-time in denominator. That's right.

1:06:19

Not lowest. You're certainly not going

1:06:21

out there and signing petitions for

1:06:23

anybody, but you're also not being

1:06:25

a douchebag. Exactly, right in the

1:06:27

middle. Yep. Yeah. But

1:06:30

in this movie, I was just like, now

1:06:32

the time has passed. It's

1:06:34

right that everybody was too PC. All the

1:06:36

whole movement and the way people are like,

1:06:39

we're being censored or whatever. It's

1:06:42

like, no, no, no. We're evolving. And

1:06:45

this movie was proof. It

1:06:47

was scary and good in parts. But then there was other parts where I

1:06:49

was like, they picked on this

1:06:51

girl who clearly was on the spectrum.

1:06:54

And they were so mean to her where I was

1:06:56

like, why are they doing this? It

1:06:58

was like extra horror in the horror

1:07:00

movie, where it's just like, why would you

1:07:03

bully this girl in

1:07:05

this extreme? I mean, it's a horror

1:07:07

movie. But it was insane for that

1:07:09

piece. Yeah, it's amazing that you only

1:07:12

have to go back to, I

1:07:14

mean, even more recent. But 2007,

1:07:16

it was the Wild West for

1:07:18

being offended. Yeah. And

1:07:21

for being kind of gross and

1:07:23

toxic in a way that just was

1:07:26

like, yeah, that's comedy. And it's like, no, it's not. Or

1:07:29

yeah, it's a horror movie. And it's like, anyway,

1:07:32

I don't even know my point anymore. No, it

1:07:34

comes up a lot. And if something is

1:07:36

like that these days, without

1:07:38

fail, I'll look up when it was

1:07:40

written. And it's a script that's been

1:07:42

laying around for 10 years. You

1:07:45

can tell when something, you know what,

1:07:47

especially in the last few years where

1:07:49

they're like, well, let's

1:07:51

just make this because we have to come

1:07:53

up with content because

1:07:56

of COVID and then also

1:07:58

the strike. A lot of stuff. It's

1:08:00

outdated material that suddenly got recently produced

1:08:03

and it's like nope should have done

1:08:05

a read-through Yeah, yeah. Yeah

1:08:07

for real you should have done like a Gen Z

1:08:09

test of like Hey, would you enjoy this in any

1:08:12

way so that they could be like what are you

1:08:14

talking about? Yeah, that sucks Yeah,

1:08:16

let's have a meeting Okay,

1:08:19

well, we're back at your house That

1:08:22

is a good one it was We

1:08:24

oh god, we were especially in the middle

1:08:26

we've really on fire and on all cylinders

1:08:29

It felt like the old days. I mean,

1:08:31

I feel like it's it started strong, too

1:08:33

So it was like strong strong and

1:08:36

then kind of great at the end. Yeah.

1:08:38

Yeah, we made some good points Yeah, and I

1:08:40

always know it's a good episode when I'm

1:08:42

drenched with sweat as I am that

1:08:45

might just be residual Scotch

1:08:47

eggs Oh Boy,

1:08:51

well, that was fun. Let's keep

1:08:53

doing this podcast. Yep. I Mean

1:08:56

next week not now. Okay, you've been listening

1:08:58

to do you need a ride? DYN

1:09:03

Yeah This

1:09:13

has been an exactly right production Produced

1:09:17

by Annalise Nelson mixed by

1:09:19

Edson Choi our talent booker

1:09:21

is Patrick Kotner theme song

1:09:23

by Karen Kilgarit artwork by

1:09:25

Chris Fairbank follow the show on

1:09:27

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1:09:29

podcast. That's dynar Podcast

1:09:32

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1:09:34

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1:09:36

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1:09:42

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