6:01

a young Dolly Parton-looking person.

6:05

In a movie in the 80s. In a pink Corvette.

6:07

In a pink Corvette. That's Angelina,

6:09

wow, we're very excited. I mean, I

6:11

didn't mean to freak out so much, it's just

6:13

that it's like a true, that

6:16

was like a celebrity sighting, but to

6:18

people who are from Los Angeles where

6:20

it's like celebrity sightings are actually common,

6:22

but an Angelina plus, I

6:25

don't know if that happens that often. We're

6:27

ignoring low tires because of

6:29

it. We had to follow it. We

6:32

were pulled over to get air, and

6:35

the prices got, you know,

6:37

inflation. That's not a joke that I wanted

6:39

to say, it just kind of came out

6:41

of me. You know what, I'm gonna pull

6:43

over to that gas station. Put

6:47

on your kicking boots. I'm gonna go to

6:49

the one by the 101 Cafe. Perfect.

6:55

I don't have to stop by the

6:57

fucking Hollywood Bowl. Yes. And

6:59

then we will pick up today's guest, in

7:01

case you already know that, if you looked

7:03

at the title that it's not a solo,

7:06

we have a guest. Right, you know what's going

7:08

on almost more than we do because we just got

7:10

so caught up in the reality of

7:12

the moment. That we kind of

7:14

forgot today's mission. The

7:17

whole point of why we're talking in a car

7:19

right now, in the dark. Yeah, we put in

7:21

air, and then we get a guest. That's

7:24

right. It's gonna be a long episode. I'll

7:26

already warn you, it might be a two-parter.

7:28

Well, we have to cut the hell out of it. Yes. I

7:34

have been opening

7:36

for only famous, or

7:38

going up after Famous People, which is

7:41

the, last

7:43

night I did the comedy store,

7:46

and I was like, yeah, put

7:48

me up whenever. So of course, I

7:51

went after Hithney Haddish,

7:53

Bobby Lee, and Patton Oswalt.

7:57

I could hear the audience

7:59

exhale. the disappointment in

8:02

the fame level. My star meter is

8:04

so low. And

8:07

the other night, I worked with

8:11

our pal Fred Armisen.

8:14

Fred Armisen? I add a T in

8:16

there. I used to do that with

8:18

Nick Schwartzen, I used to say. It's

8:21

the words. I just

8:24

add consonants. I don't know

8:26

why I do that. But

8:29

Fred says hi and he's a sweet

8:31

human. Love him. He's the greatest. I'm

8:33

more of a fan of him because

8:36

there's a Portlandia channel on

8:38

my TV and I've been watching all I'm

8:41

just now discovering Portlandia. Isn't it

8:43

good? It's so good. It's so

8:45

funny. And I was like, I've

8:47

been watching Portlandia. And I'm like, he's like,

8:49

I'm wearing a jacket that was like a

8:51

promo for the show. And we both had

8:53

a bird on our jacket. I

8:56

had my little bird on my jacket. He

8:58

had his bird. Oh,

9:01

what a deal. Wait, let me get the $2

9:03

in coins. $2 for

9:07

air or water. I heard a long time

9:09

ago, they can't charge for air, but they're

9:11

doing it. I'll just do it.

9:13

There's $1. There's $1. And here's $2. Boy, this coin.

9:15

If this coin could

9:20

talk should we give me that one back

9:22

and we'll check the railroad tracks here

9:24

and give me that one back. Okay, just in

9:26

case it's worth it. Yes. Worth something. So

9:29

there's debts and I have to give you two more. Worth

9:32

something. Are you still into coin collecting? It's

9:36

more of hoarding and checking things later

9:38

on. Okay,

9:42

I'm sorry about that. No. Okay,

9:45

now we're back in the podcast. Oh,

9:48

yeah. It's okay. Wait, so you

9:50

had to follow those famous people. Yes.

9:52

But then and the audience, it felt

9:54

like they were disappointed. And then you

9:56

did the old Chris Fairbanks dig them

9:58

out. Didn't you? Well, I just,

10:00

it did make my back sweat. Sure.

10:03

And also I'm like, man, I wouldn't be this

10:05

nervous if I was boozing, but I wouldn't do

10:07

this well if I was. And then I do

10:09

okay. And you do okay, or you do as well

10:11

as any other famous people before? I did very well

10:13

at the Fred Armiston

10:16

show. And then I, last

10:18

night, considering it's tourists

10:21

going to the comedy store to specifically

10:24

see Bobby Lee, I

10:27

felt very good about that. You

10:30

did good. Yes, it was fun. Good. It's

10:33

just, you know, in three nights, I

10:35

had to do that twice where I

10:37

just, oh, cool. I'm, let me, let

10:40

them show the best case scenario famous

10:43

people and then let me get out

10:45

there. Yeah. I like

10:47

the challenge. The uphill climb.

10:49

Yeah, it makes

10:52

me nervous. And I was

10:54

very nervous, but I did have fun. It's

10:56

good for you though, don't you think, as

10:58

a comedian to like, then you're actually pulling

11:01

from somewhere and you're actually like kind of

11:03

engaged? Oh, for sure. And

11:05

because, is that

11:08

a, Chris Fairbanks did a bad job? Oh

11:11

no, this is a comedy store calling in and saying, you

11:13

were never there. Oh, wow,

11:16

I can't believe I keep having these vivid

11:18

dreams where I actually drive to a location

11:20

and pay for parking. And

11:22

paid for air and fire. The reason I

11:25

was so nervous on stage last night is

11:27

because I had a timer before my parking

11:31

meter and it was gonna cancel

11:33

or expire rather during my

11:35

set. Tiffany

11:40

Haddish went a little long. She was

11:42

delightful and she said nice things about

11:44

me. She said, I used to

11:46

know this guy and we just don't talk much anymore,

11:49

but he's nice. Chris Fairbanks, it was

11:51

like a very personal, yeah,

11:54

people did go on. That's very sweet.

11:57

Yeah, she is very nice. It

14:00

is how they get people. It's not

14:03

convenient to visit here or to

14:05

fly here. They keep the

14:07

airport poorly designed on purpose because they're

14:10

like, hey, we got plenty of people

14:12

here. We're not going to make it

14:14

easier for you. No, it should

14:16

be a children of men style

14:18

themed challenge to get out of

14:20

LAX. Yes. To move here,

14:23

you should be able to stroke a

14:25

rabbit to death. I

14:29

was thinking of mice and then. Yeah. I

14:32

got that reference immediately. I don't

14:34

know what else you could have meant. Right

14:42

when you arrive, they make you tell

14:44

a story about tending to the rabbits again, George.

14:48

And then that'll cover just

14:50

the deposit. And staring off into the Uber

14:52

pickup section while someone shoots you in the back

14:54

of the head. Welcome

14:57

to town. Hey. But

14:59

yeah, they, you know, Missoula, Montana

15:01

wants people to move there. The

15:05

college is half the attendance that it was when

15:07

I went there. Oh, of course. When

15:10

you're from out of town and you get a

15:12

parking ticket there, it's a little envelope, a little

15:14

letter that says, hey, this one's on

15:16

us. Welcome to Missoula. And

15:18

there's like a map of places to go. For

15:21

real. Some interest. Yeah.

15:24

So at that contrast, as always, sitting

15:28

at a special part of my

15:30

frontal lobe. I think people,

15:32

I think the young people of America

15:34

should know that Missoula's university

15:37

attendance is low because that would be a

15:39

great place to go to college. Yes.

15:42

Do you like fishing or perhaps snow

15:44

skiing? Why Snowball Mountain has

15:46

3000 vertical drop

15:49

and it's south

15:51

facing, which

15:53

means the sun hits it all day melting

15:55

the snow. Making

15:58

a kind of icy danger. Center

16:01

for the family. Have you gone

16:03

your whole life without suddenly breaking your

16:05

tailbone while having fun? Snowball

16:09

ends that today at Snowball It

16:12

is yeah all the reasons people Well,

16:15

it it keeps out all the riffraff

16:17

and by that I mean millionaires The

16:22

list stayed the same We

16:24

will be going I will be going there

16:26

to celebrate my father's 80th birthday Nice

16:30

and also Christmas Yes,

16:33

that happens to Jesus is 1,023rd

16:37

first the old 1023. Yeah, it's a hard year He

16:42

is doing that thing. Have you gotten the invitation

16:44

yet where he's it's going to be a month long,

16:46

right? Oh, yeah such

16:48

a drama cool. Oh cool about

16:50

his bird another destination birthday. I'm

16:52

always having to fly somewhere Jesus

16:55

we are not going to bam to

16:57

go snowboarding. Well, okay. I'll go open

16:59

bar. Oh BAM

17:05

I really want to go to bams. It's wonderful fun

17:07

to say and it's fun to be there One

17:10

time I was there with an old girlfriend

17:12

and we there was a how old

17:14

it was she she was chill

17:17

on a sciatic problems and What's

17:20

that you're say Chris? Sounds

17:23

like someone I can tell by the ting

17:25

in your voice. You could use another massage

17:27

and But

17:29

I still took her hiking. Yeah, and horse

17:31

her up that mountain There is about there

17:33

was like a gondola that was like 20 dollars

17:35

that would take you to the top and

17:37

I'm like Oh, come on. We could use

17:39

a little hike and

17:47

Right at that moment we saw

17:49

giant bear tracks perfect

17:53

cartoon Pawprints in

17:55

the mud and it was muddy and

17:57

we were both wearing like flip-flops and

18:00

Chuck Taylor's. She is. But

18:03

we couldn't turn around and it was my fault for

18:06

a full year, I think. That

18:11

is quite funny and

18:13

I think happens so often. But

18:17

even during that, I remember we would look

18:19

off into the distance and be like, oh,

18:21

this is the most beautiful place ever.

18:24

It's just think of Alaska.

18:26

Think of the Ansel Adams photo. Camps.

18:30

Beautiful. It's beautiful.

18:32

God, we're doing a lot of ad

18:34

counsel. We're doing a lot of tourism

18:36

board. Also, guys, don't forget

18:38

to eat pork. Yeah. And I've said this

18:41

before, but I'm going to say it

18:43

again. Call it before you dig. Guys,

18:47

eggs, give them a break. They're

18:50

healthy again this year. Eggs.

18:55

Eggs. But yeah, it's time.

19:02

It's that time of the year again and I think

19:05

that I've figured out. I'm

19:08

a big fan of thinking of a perfect gift

19:10

that everyone would want and then just buying a

19:12

dozen of them. Oh, yeah. And I think this

19:14

year and stick with me on this or

19:17

protest. It's up to you. I'm

19:19

getting everyone bidets. That's

19:23

a perfect gift. It is. And

19:25

the only thing, the only drawback is you're

19:27

giving someone a chore. They're

19:29

kind of in

19:32

the ass, pardon the expression, to hook

19:35

up because you have to... That's

19:37

one way to look at it, but you could also look

19:39

at it as you're giving everyone an ass bath. Yeah. So

19:42

how about the chore disappears when

19:44

that warm, warm water shoots right

19:46

up your butthole? A lot of

19:48

people and a lot of your dads may

19:50

be apprehensive because of lingering,

19:54

I think, phypholia. The people

19:56

are scared of water hitting

19:58

their butt. of the leg

20:00

of and yeah you will like it. That

20:03

seems like, yeah exactly you will like

20:05

it like every mammal and probably

20:07

reptile on earth does. All

20:09

these European countries, everyone's

20:12

been right about bidets. And

20:14

Asian countries, it's the entire world but

20:16

America. Yeah so don't be afraid if

20:18

you got a dirty butt out there still

20:21

you're a bigot. And how would you know

20:23

you must trust except the

20:25

bidet? Yes. This is a

20:27

commercial for not even buying bidets.

20:29

Just accepting them when they're given to

20:31

you. It's funny because I had no

20:33

feeling about the bidet but

20:37

I did do a podcast where at

20:40

the end they said thank

20:42

you for being our guest here's a bidet.

20:44

Nice. That was the parting gift. Yeah.

20:47

And I'm like okay I get and I didn't

20:49

hook it up for like a full year

20:51

and then one day I decided to and

20:53

it changed my life. Yeah. And

20:55

it's just the best. It's the best. We,

20:58

when Georgia got married, they got

21:00

married at the Madonna Inn in

21:02

San Luis Obispo or nearby and

21:05

our room had a bidet. And

21:08

you never used one before? I had never used one.

21:11

I knew what they were and I knew that they were

21:13

very popular basically everywhere else. And

21:17

it was a bidet and I don't know if yours has this or

21:19

the ones you're going to get but I would recommend if you're going

21:21

to get them. Get the ones that can

21:23

do this. Water warmer.

21:25

Right. Water warmer. That

21:27

is a full, bidets can be

21:30

hundreds of dollars. You

21:32

can also get just a standard gets

21:34

the job done for so

21:36

inexpensive like $25. It's

21:40

almost like oh I can't believe it's not cheap

21:42

can I please pay more. But they work. I've

21:45

seen the one I have for like $30 online. And

21:49

my dad, a man who's

21:51

I don't believe I'm confident in saying

21:54

nothing's ever touched this butthole. He

21:57

used to, I showed him how the knob works. I'm like give it

21:59

a shot. That

24:00

you are just a bug fan and yeah and not

24:03

I have I know Harper nothing against

24:05

any group of people I'm just an

24:07

entomologist. Okay, great amateur

24:09

I Got some

24:12

millipedes. I got an eyeball patch Little

24:15

ones, huh? You can just accent shirts

24:18

with sure. I'm very excited about this

24:20

patch thing I think it sounds

24:22

really fun. It's like yet another hobby. I

24:25

ordered an iron Specifically

24:27

for iron on patches not forgetting wrinkles out

24:29

of clothes. Okay, although I bet it does

24:31

that too I bet it does and

24:34

and then for patches that don't

24:36

have iron on because I'm not gonna sew

24:39

Maybe a needle in your finger. It's dangerous It's

24:41

tough and especially if it if you're trying to

24:43

do it on like a jacket jean jacket of

24:45

any kind exactly material Yep, you're

24:48

right. And so I've I've

24:50

got I've been ironing patches on I

24:52

got this iron on paper you

24:54

just you know iron it

24:56

on peel off the back iron it again, and

24:59

it's Very permanent and

25:01

it's there forever changed my life. It's something

25:03

I look at on my phone often patches

25:08

Your regular raggedy Andy Loving

25:12

your patches all over the place I

25:14

was thinking about that the other day because I

25:17

watched Barbie for a third time and that was

25:19

the only doll I had I had raggedy Ann

25:21

and Andy. Mm-hmm, and they were of course fabric

25:24

stuffed classic 70s.

25:27

Yeah, pre pre math manufacturer

25:32

Yeah, I had I had a cloth raggedy in

25:34

and her nose was a

25:36

triangle and her mouth was kind of shaped like

25:38

a cat mouth Yes, they

25:41

were a little bit haunting looking those

25:43

two characters because it's a checky It's

25:45

like agony and andy are tricky if

25:47

you just combine more yarn Yes,

25:49

yeah, and you kind of like you just were

25:52

like what what this what did this used

25:54

to look like in like a decade ago

25:56

Right before it was cursed and turned

25:58

into a stuffed animal And

26:00

also the people that are in the

26:03

whatever that chain is of the haunted

26:05

movies and they're the original like 70s

26:07

ghost explorers, you know the husband and

26:10

wife they have You

26:12

know what I'm talking about? I don't but I bet I'll catch

26:14

on in a minute It's one of those things.

26:17

I'm not to be able to remember the

26:19

franchise name because it's too specific in whatever,

26:22

but they They're

26:24

husband and wife here for me that

26:26

and Patrick Wilson play the characters Yeah, I'm

26:28

talking about it begins with a kid conjuring

26:31

Is it conjuring or is it believe so it could be

26:33

it? So if it's that one they

26:35

actually have the real people in real life have

26:40

At their haunted museum a raggedy

26:42

and all that's in its glass Like

26:45

thing by itself where it's like never let

26:47

her out of here and it's raggedy Wow

26:50

and there's stories about yeah

26:53

her flying across the room with a knife Yeah,

26:55

I think that I think the conjuring too

26:57

is the story of that doll why it's

26:59

so haunted or What what

27:01

happened to the family that was haunted by it Wow?

27:04

Yeah The crazy

27:06

dolls I there were so

27:08

many scary ones that

27:10

in my sister's possession One

27:13

of them you would laugh It

27:22

Was like a song but it was and

27:25

it was horrifying and any doll where you

27:27

tilt it back and oftentimes

27:29

they'll just fold Those

27:31

40 of them against the wall. Yeah, and

27:34

would you poke her back the eyes that

27:36

close on their own? Yeah, no, thank you

27:39

and with the weird long plastic eyelashes There

27:41

was one that I got one year for

27:43

Christmas and it was baby Baby

27:45

crawl away or something and it was the

27:47

most creepiest doll because it was a baby

27:50

There was on it all fours and

27:52

it was completely plastic like hard plastic

27:55

And then when you turned it on

27:57

it could crawl like a little a

27:59

little on

30:00

my sister's couch and did nothing

30:03

and Really luxuries in

30:05

doing nothing. Yeah, it's the best.

30:07

That's what I have set aside

30:09

the entire month to do Yeah,

30:11

I have zero appointments Good,

30:14

you know me and all my appointments.

30:16

Oh here hither and thither meeting

30:18

with clients going to doctors networking

30:23

Rubbing elbows with celebrities

30:26

at the top of this a name dropped

30:28

I'm not gonna do any of that in

30:30

December. Do you not pass one card with

30:32

your two first fingers? Like

30:35

that people give you all

30:37

right It's

30:39

herringbone with red ink There

30:42

was somebody early on as a network that was

30:45

like I need business cards. It's like no you

30:47

don't Yeah, no, we're gonna

30:49

get around by word of mouth. Do you

30:51

need a page or two? I? I

30:55

Need business cards like what my

30:57

whole life I think because I haven't had

31:00

business cards since college I had a card

31:02

that just said the art guy and I

31:05

said window painting and drawing like nice

31:08

But they worked I would I would

31:10

you know, I See

31:13

the way you just did that. Yeah. Yes Whip

31:16

two fingers throw it flick.

31:18

Yeah, try and get it in someone's shirt

31:21

pocket They appreciate it

31:23

as much as you're engaging that's good

31:25

marketing. Yeah Someone yelling at

31:27

you all you need to do is be memorable

31:31

And that includes someone saying hey don't throw shit

31:33

at me. Hey motherfucker and then they're like wait

31:36

a second. I do need an art guy I

31:40

can't believe I thought him in that McDonald's parking

31:42

lot But I yeah, I'd

31:44

since then have not ever had a

31:46

business card, but people don't ask anymore.

31:48

I just waited it out People

31:51

used always say do you have a business

31:53

card? No my guy should I guess for

31:55

comedy? Yes, what do they fucking want? I

31:57

don't know. It's the sign of someone that

32:00

maybe you don't need to

32:02

do business with. If someone wants a business

32:04

card, they are just gonna bring

32:07

you down to their level. Well, I

32:09

would just be like, what are you gonna

32:11

call me on the phone? Yeah. Say it

32:13

now, you coward. Yeah, can I get

32:15

your business card? Cause here's my fax

32:17

number. Here's

32:20

my business card. It has my

32:22

name on it and

32:24

that's it. And the second number

32:26

is my emergency contact. It's my

32:29

father. It's my next of kin. Please,

32:31

you're now in charge of alerting my

32:33

family when I die. If while

32:35

we do business in the future, there

32:37

is a horrible tragedy, call that second

32:39

number. I'd like to give them

32:42

all my belongings. What about this? What

32:44

about you have a business card, but instead of

32:46

having ways people can contact you on it, it's

32:49

just, it says Karen Kligaroff and

32:52

then Ernie, it just says, you're not allowed

32:54

to pick my brain. Some of that. Yes.

32:58

Can you all just get coffee? You're trying

33:00

to pick your brain? Nope. No. That's

33:02

against the rules. But what if you, some

33:05

just some light spit balling. Is

33:10

that out of the question? What

33:12

about just some word association where we

33:14

stand right now? Now that'll do. Eight

33:17

plots, sure. Hell yes, it's a

33:19

squid. It's an octopus. Hold up

33:21

the card. Is there something on back? I

33:23

bet I can guess it. We're in business

33:25

handshake. For a club. For a

33:28

couple wavy lines. Ghostbusters.

33:31

What about your business card says your

33:33

name and your

33:35

hot mail account on the front and the back

33:37

is the four of clubs. And then every time

33:40

you give it to somebody, you go, is this your card?

33:42

Yes. They're not gonna not

33:44

fucking email you after that. They're going

33:46

to have to. How many magicians at

33:48

the Magic Castle have had that business

33:50

card? Did I just guess the most popular

33:52

business card? Yes, you did. Ever.

33:56

Go ahead, tear it in half. See

33:58

what happens. Why? Can I

34:00

go down there? Is that the exit? Uh,

34:03

yep, you got it. Why

34:06

couldn't I see that? That's a weird tailing. And

34:09

why did I confidently say it was the exit

34:11

when I didn't even know? I

34:13

just couldn't see like... I

34:16

was like, is this lane ending or starting?

34:19

Boy, this... if we are

34:21

going to my neighborhood. Yeah,

34:23

that sucks. No, I

34:26

should notice. I should... Did

34:28

you do it straight? Yes.

34:31

Um, my niece got her wisdom teeth

34:33

pulled. And you know, she

34:36

has celiac, so she has it. She can't. She's

34:38

gluten free. And so, she

34:40

was basically only eating yogurt for like three

34:42

days. And on the fourth day, she

34:44

woke up and she was just crying. She's like, I

34:46

just can't eat any more yogurt. I just... Oh,

34:48

God, no. And, uh, so I

34:51

was... Too many cultures. Yeah. I was

34:53

out and my sister's like, hey, will you do me a

34:55

favor and go pick up a... ...Hipesudge Sunday

34:57

for Nora at McDonald's. And I was like,

34:59

of course. But it was pretty early

35:01

in the morning, which I thought was really

35:04

hilarious. That she gets to have a breakfast

35:06

hot fudge sundae. And...

35:08

That's what the holidays are for. While

35:10

I was there, I was like, oh, I'll take a

35:12

coffee from here, because I'm here. It's the easiest. And

35:16

their coffee was better

35:18

than average. It was good. Really?

35:20

Yes. I'll try it on

35:22

for size. I'm gonna say I've

35:25

never had coffee from

35:27

a McDonald's before. There's many

35:29

retirees and old people who

35:31

swear by it, including my

35:33

father. Yeah. And I suppose I've

35:35

had it. I'm gonna go... I say

35:38

I've never had, but I don't count

35:41

airports. That's when it's

35:43

just like, whatever's open. Right. Look

35:45

at these beautiful... What's going on?

35:48

This is like suddenly beautiful neighborhood.

35:51

Yeah. Like those houses are gorgeous. And

35:54

then across the street, it's

35:56

Pueblo style adobes. Adobe.