0:01

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1:44

Are you leaving? Are you on

1:46

your way back home? Either way,

1:48

we want to be there. Doesn't

1:53

matter how much baggage you

1:55

claim. Give us time and

1:57

aid. Terminal and

1:59

gate. We

2:01

wanna send you off inside

2:04

We wanna welcome you back home

2:08

How it's all about every scare,

2:11

or was it fine? Now

2:14

part Do

2:31

you need ride? Do

2:33

you need ride?

2:41

Do you need ride? Do

2:44

you need ride? Do

2:48

you need ride? Uh,

2:51

with Karen and Chris Welcome

2:56

to Do You Need A Ride? This is

2:58

Chris Fairbanks And this is Karen Kilgareth Hello

3:01

Karen, my friend! Hello Chris,

3:03

how are you? I'm

3:05

great. I said that like a space alien

3:08

who's wearing the suit of a man I'm

3:10

late I've

3:12

been, uh, yeah. That's the

3:14

role I want to get. If I ever get

3:16

an acting job A human

3:19

man with an alien inside him pretending to

3:21

be human, cause that's kind of how I

3:23

feel I can see

3:25

that. Can I get more than just one line?

3:28

Can you give me like a little alien speech

3:30

trying to be convincing that you're human?

3:32

Hello Karen, you're my friend! Lettuce!

3:36

Unempty our food organ! With

3:39

this witch of sand! And

3:44

then I, uh, kind of twitch, cause

3:46

I'm not used to my skin yet

3:48

Yeah Oh this damn ham suit! And

3:51

the whole thing is in an integration with

3:53

Subway sandwiches? Why don't

3:55

you peop- I mean us, why don't

3:58

we have claws? Such

4:01

a terrible design by your maker. Get

4:04

the new Alien 6 inch Super Sub

4:06

this weekend. I

4:09

predict you. Enjoy it, will you? I

4:12

already have commercials? You

4:15

already cast me in a commercial? Yeah,

4:18

because this sitcom is so popular that you

4:20

immediately get integrations and that

4:23

kind of money where it's like, if the Alien

4:25

sells is actually ham inside

4:27

of that fruit, we gotta get Subway and

4:30

we gotta get this special set.

4:32

Every one of our listeners misses

4:34

the classic multi-cam Small

4:36

Wonder, where a little girl who's

4:39

actually a robot lives with

4:42

a butler named Belvedere. I never really watched

4:44

it. It was kind of the same interchange.

4:47

Hold on, that's my sister calling. Every

4:49

single time we record. Are you sure

4:52

it's not a typhoon coming? That's

4:56

the alarm. It's very low and

4:58

calm because you're absolutely just being

5:01

told you're about to die. You're

5:03

gonna be on a line.

5:06

Time to go to the helicopter pad on

5:08

the top of the Hilton. My only plan

5:10

when I lived by the beach. Were

5:14

they just taking all comers in times

5:17

of emergency or that was just what

5:19

you were gonna do? They were taking

5:21

all comers and old timers. Hey, god

5:23

damn it. What? I'm supposed

5:25

to get on the freeway there. Oh, there will be

5:27

another chance up here. Great. Um...

5:30

Always true in Los Angeles. I don't know.

5:32

I was gonna worry about helicopter access once

5:34

I was up there. Do you have a

5:37

gun? Um...

5:39

Be honest. Yes. What

5:42

kind? Um, 38 special. You're

5:45

making that up. I

5:48

have a Night Ranger. Dad got it

5:50

in the 90s because His

5:53

wife at the time was worried because

5:55

they had a used Corvette and she

5:57

thought they would get car-dracked. My

6:01

dad and like ninety six bought a

6:03

tiny a hand gun and then kept

6:05

it in a box. In a

6:07

closet. an uneasy that he owned it and

6:09

then he was like. During

6:11

One Of Love. My.

6:15

Because. You know someone stole something on

6:17

my porch or at a funny story about getting

6:19

mugged. My dad was I. Do. Want

6:21

that's gun And I was just like. I.

6:24

Want you know not have it

6:27

be on? Ah For some reason

6:29

I will. And so.

6:31

She'd. During

6:33

a visit brought it down Ives lasted

6:36

in the box with see bullets that

6:38

she thought with the gun said i

6:40

just and keeping it away from any

6:42

wronged where's no further guns role as

6:44

to keep it off the streets. So

6:48

I'm controlling. I'm all for gun control.

6:50

and I'm starting one gun and a

6:53

time. You're starting with the Man and

6:55

her. since, like Michael's acknowledged source says,

6:59

I know how to change his ways.

7:01

No, no, my volume on you just

7:03

can't use this guy and your. Voice

7:07

change your ways? Have you tried

7:09

mugging? Was Nunchucks Smugglers Knives or

7:11

Yeah Mode where the mean look

7:13

on your face often called a

7:15

mugs sudden? That's not not. Assess

7:18

I've yeah I did it's I'd be

7:20

all and maris dive by the last

7:23

and you know I know he brings

7:25

I asked you didn't have to ask.

7:29

For maybe a sit down? The. Beginning:

7:31

I suggest. On

7:34

on my for the spontaneous funny

7:36

wanted to fresh in your breath

7:38

and I just started talk about

7:41

my artillery. Ah. Chewing.

7:43

Gum and. Science. Your

7:45

window. And I am.

7:47

I know what I'm gonna do. Ya. Go

7:50

Side Hustle Yeah we are parked

7:52

in the exact. Spot. I.

7:54

was in when i got rear ended after cone

7:56

and for real yeah authors up that late know

7:59

there's a couple cars in front of us one

8:01

of the kids was in not

8:03

another teen movie which after I crawled

8:05

out of the burning wreckage I

8:08

said were you in another teen movie it's

8:10

like yeah are you okay Wow

8:13

um and I

8:15

still follow the guy that hit us on

8:17

Twitter he left

8:19

town he was uninsured yeah I

8:21

go tried to call him one and

8:25

he was a motivational speaker and

8:28

personal trainer I feel like took it

8:30

to Denver didn't know him not judging

8:33

him whatsoever I think it's great when people leave

8:36

this town but sometimes and this is what happened

8:38

to me in Sacramento I just

8:40

kept getting into car accidents and finally my

8:42

mom said that's enough I'm coming to put

8:44

you up you don't get to live by

8:46

yourself anymore and I think sometimes when

8:49

you like make a big break to like

8:51

I'm moving to Los Angeles to do a

8:53

thing and then you get here and you're

8:55

like this sucks and a passion

8:57

is a great way to be like

8:59

everything is canceled starting over yep I

9:02

noticed when I found him because

9:05

I we found his dad was

9:07

a proctologist at

9:09

the Mayo Clinic so it's like okay

9:11

he has money why is he evading

9:13

this responsibility and then

9:16

I found him through his

9:18

father's work and

9:22

yeah he was like a personal trainer probably

9:24

wasn't going well he had a top knot

9:27

got in a car wreck trying to take this

9:29

to Denver let that hair down

9:31

play a little frisbee golf no not

9:34

answer phone calls from Geico that's all you

9:36

have to do apparently if you're responsible for

9:38

rear-ending someone again I'm just gonna ask this

9:40

question my fault Karen sorry

9:43

I'll let you go should

9:45

there be less defining features

9:47

of this person so that you

9:49

can't know exactly who it is

9:51

within like three internet guesses his

9:54

name is no no

9:57

okay fine right just a couple

9:59

left Because you literally have like

10:01

how many proctologists from the Mayo Clinic's sons

10:03

live in Colorado and just in that. Oh,

10:05

if someone's willing to do that, just

10:07

send them a box of flowers because I'm

10:09

over it. You can't control

10:11

what's going to be on the other side of

10:14

them being like, how dare you try to kill

10:16

Chris Fairbank. If I thought our listeners were going

10:18

to go out and do my bidding, I would

10:20

think of much better people than beep beep. Oh,

10:24

you did the middle name too? Yeah.

10:27

Beep beep beep beep beep. I

10:30

let the S-squared squeak out. Yeah,

10:33

it's all in the past.

10:36

No harm done, except for my fake

10:38

hip. Except for you doxing. Yeah. Right

10:40

here on the show. My

10:45

neighbor. Wow. Hey. Hey,

10:47

everybody. Hey, there's those lines that are yellow

10:50

for a reason. It's only

10:52

a suggestion. Come

10:54

on. Come on down. Okay, go

10:56

ahead. Something yellow is just a suggestion

10:58

when it comes to signs. Maybe they

11:00

think that is the case

11:02

with lines. You

11:05

know, when you see 35 around this corner,

11:07

you can't actually get pulled over for going

11:09

45 around the corner. Is that true? Yeah,

11:11

it's a suggestion. But then... Can

11:16

you still get a reckless driving ticket?

11:18

Yeah, probably. Yeah. I don't know.

11:21

It's been a long time since I was on the force. You

11:23

haven't taught traffic school for years. No.

11:27

500 feet behind amber. Lights.

11:31

See, I still got it. My

11:34

neighbor has been

11:36

digging a trench, pulling

11:38

out ivy leaves that were

11:41

grown into the chain link

11:43

fence that separates his

11:45

house from my apartment. And

11:48

it was a lot of work, like going

11:50

all the way down to the

11:53

roots, pulling this thing up. It

11:55

was a four-foot trench and I was just like,

11:58

why are you going... for

12:00

all this work. He

12:02

said there has been a coyote

12:06

den in here that we didn't know

12:08

about because there was also a fence

12:10

on his side, a curled over old

12:12

chain link fence that the ivy leaves

12:15

hadn't grown over making it a perfect

12:17

dome. So they were, he said there

12:19

was inches thick

12:22

of coyote fur from over the

12:24

years. Cat and dog

12:26

skeletons, they had lived down there for

12:29

god knows how many years and I

12:31

had no idea. Cat and dog

12:33

skeletons. Yeah, he said 30

12:35

of them could have been in there. They'd

12:38

go in there at night. The guy asked

12:40

dogs that bark at a butterfly and

12:42

they had no idea. They

12:45

can be quiet if

12:47

they want to unless there's a siren and

12:49

they can't help it. They're just like teenagers

12:51

that way. Yeah, yeah. They can

12:54

do it if they want. All these

12:56

coyotes need was a little difficult. And

13:00

you get their homework done in time. I

13:02

couldn't believe it though. That's crazy.

13:04

That was a den, a

13:06

coyote den. Yeah. Congrats.

13:10

Yeah, that's, I'm just amazed that

13:12

they were, my neighbors,

13:14

I never, there was one time I

13:17

saw four or five coyotes go past

13:19

my window peripherally. I just

13:21

was looking at and they were full grown.

13:24

They are such dogs. Yeah. They're

13:26

no different. I told you about

13:28

the one that walked up to the backside

13:30

in Glassdoor one night, right? Blossom started

13:32

barking and I went and looked. I

13:35

thought I knew this, but it was a raccoon. No,

13:38

no, it was a coyote and it was coming

13:40

toward the door. Like it was going to come

13:42

inside and sit around and I was like, no,

13:44

no, you shouldn't feel comfortable

13:46

doing this. Which is like, has

13:48

this happened while I've been gone?

13:50

And the dogs just barked, but

13:53

don't keep them out. Yeah. That's

13:55

the one thing that makes me nervous

13:57

about coyotes in my dealing with them.

14:00

Uh, at the golf course. They

14:03

are not afraid of us. They

14:05

absolutely could give a shit. You

14:07

could be Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

14:10

I bit my cheek. I didn't

14:12

mean to add two T's to

14:14

the end of Dwayne

14:16

The Rock Johnson. Chris

14:18

gets really choked up when he talks about the

14:21

rock. He bit. My tongue starts tap

14:23

dancing. He's like this man. He went

14:25

from pro wrestler

14:28

to one of the great dramatic actors of our

14:30

times. His Broadway, his

14:32

fiddler on the roof. I don't,

14:34

I couldn't think of any Broadway.

14:38

Uh, this, this just a block from the

14:40

Pantages. I couldn't think of one stage play.

14:42

Yeah. There's one right there on that big

14:44

flag. Chicago. I

14:47

want to write a

14:50

stage production of The Outsiders. What do

14:52

you think? It's entirely,

14:54

I will back it. I mean, I, I gotta

14:57

get smart about things. That of

14:59

course would get made. Yeah. You

15:02

could have them singing and dancing, which is what

15:04

I think that movie was missing. I'm going to

15:06

stop you there. Okay. Don't you dare. Well,

15:09

it has to be a musical. Are you kidding? Okay.

15:13

They convinced me. Okay.

15:16

What is the one thing you wanted to

15:18

see out of the original Brat Pack? Like

15:22

Matt Dillon's shirt, shirt off. Sorry.

15:24

Well, you get a little bit of

15:26

that already. Have you

15:29

ever seen Matt Dillon's shirtless body,

15:32

fuck sliding across the floor on

15:34

his knees while singing

15:36

soprano? That's your thinking of

15:38

Patrick Swayze. They're not the vibe is different.

15:42

Oh, Swayze. I forgot he's in it too.

15:44

Yeah, he is. He's the dairy, the oldest

15:46

brother. I used to have posters of The

15:48

Outsiders on my wall in like fifth

15:51

grade. We were big into The

15:53

Outsiders. Did you have the

15:55

poster that starts with Tom Cruise

15:57

showing its side butt on purpose?

16:00

This is pre this is when he had summer teeth.

16:02

Yeah What time summer

16:04

to summer pointing this way summer point

16:06

now? And

16:09

then and then I believe it was

16:11

Ralph machio then immediately I asked of

16:13

as then Matt Dylan the tall one

16:15

in the middle. Yeah, then it I

16:18

have this poster memorized. Yeah, then

16:21

See Thomas house see Thomas out. No, he's

16:23

third. Okay. I didn't have the poster Your

16:26

sister clearly had the poster right?

16:28

I was all you You're

16:31

not gonna believe this but I was mostly

16:33

a fan of the book because they forced

16:35

us to read it not only in sixth

16:37

grade But the teachers didn't talk and we

16:39

read it again in eighth grade when I

16:41

appreciated it more Yeah, but all I knew

16:43

of it was the Stevie Wonder song I

16:45

liked was in the movie But

16:48

the book I loved the book was amazing

16:50

Yeah, I still have a copy when I

16:52

stepped out into the bright sunlight from the

16:54

darkness of the movie house house I only

16:56

had one thing on my mind James Dean

16:58

and I ride home. Oh,

17:01

wow That's the opening line of that book that

17:03

and is a poem of course

17:05

by Robert Frost.

17:08

Yeah, I believe so. Yeah, he kept

17:10

me keeps quoting See he gets the

17:12

knife fight. He gets in scuffles with

17:14

the socials one of them played by

17:17

a young Who's

17:20

the boy leaf Garrett life Garrett? Thank you.

17:23

Oh, who's the boy? What if you

17:25

knew my brain that well, who's the boy the

17:27

boy that I did? I? Did

17:31

it lace Garrett starring in? Outsiders

17:34

the musical stage show

17:37

Jesus. So she's got money and

17:39

he's gonna get stabbed spoiler

17:42

alert 30 years later 40

17:45

actually I used to Direct

17:48

life Garrett on the world's dumbest.

17:51

Oh and he was very kind and

17:55

About yeah, and he'd bring coffee and

17:57

I'd like you're the most down-to-earth of

17:59

all all these, it

18:01

used to be world's dumbest criminals and they had

18:03

like him and Tonya

18:07

Harding and people that

18:09

had brushes for the law. Was he,

18:12

were his brushes just kind of drug stuff? Yes.

18:15

He didn't do anything bad. I think that

18:19

he had something that was

18:21

terrible in his life that was not

18:23

criminal of him was, well he was

18:25

drunk driving I think, crashed and a

18:27

friend of his died and it bothered

18:29

him probably the rest of his life.

18:31

It's the reason he went to drugs

18:33

because he was nice. It's

18:36

really sad. I think about him often. That

18:38

wasn't the first time I worked with him. He

18:40

was also Amy

18:43

Schumer's sidekick on the reality

18:45

bites back thing where they had to

18:48

do physical hunting with the stars.

18:51

He was so nice back then too. I

18:54

mean I feel like that guy. He's a child

18:56

actor. He's either going to be

18:58

the worst or the best. Right. Yeah

19:01

like my dad said the biggest asshole that

19:03

he ever met in Hollywood was the kid

19:05

from Dennis the Men. He

19:09

was like, this kid was like, bring

19:11

me this now. My dad was working

19:13

in a Mexican restaurant

19:15

in Colorado. Oh no.

19:17

The kid was just yelling at people.

19:20

He was like, wow what a terrible

19:22

child. Oh shit. I

19:25

wonder if he was the

19:27

same kid who was the creepy kid from

19:29

that episode of the Twilight Zone

19:31

that could make you disappear. I

19:33

think it might be the same child actor I could

19:35

be wrong. Yeah that it was around that

19:37

time probably he was pissed off because he's

19:39

only getting Twilight Zone episodes. He thought he

19:41

was going to be Dennis the Men as

19:43

forever. He was it was back when they

19:45

only had one child actor every decade. Yeah.

19:47

He had to do all the child parts.

19:49

Yeah. There weren't that many. No

19:52

now people have babies just to make

19:54

them actors. Oh there is a there's

19:57

a documentary I really want to watch and I really

19:59

don't want to launch. Have you

20:01

heard of it? It's called quiet on the

20:03

set. Yep. Started it last night. It

20:06

is very upsetting.

20:09

Well, if you do a little Googling, while you watch

20:12

it, which is what I do

20:14

with everything, you find that the

20:16

victims themselves grew right into their

20:18

own controversial behavior. And they don't

20:20

really talk about that. Oh, because

20:25

I guess it complicates the message. But I

20:27

was like, Oh, no, what happened to this

20:29

guy? And in Googling

20:31

it, I was like, Oh, he himself

20:33

is a sex offender. Well,

20:35

right. That's sometimes that happens. Yes.

20:37

But I think the point of it

20:40

is they were children that then their

20:42

lives are ruined in whatever way. Well,

20:44

it's interesting because the the the

20:48

evil doer in it, one of

20:50

them, the main one is the guy

20:52

from that skiing movie with John Cusack

20:54

that I used to like better off

20:56

dead, he's like the

20:58

neighbor weird boy. He went in

21:01

there with no experience and started

21:03

pitching these shows and,

21:05

and was just not nice. You

21:07

know, I mean, to say

21:09

the least, there's other people that were

21:12

worse that are more focused on the

21:14

actual just want to make sure you're

21:16

not coming off pro pedophile. That's why

21:18

I am not my only conversation. So

21:20

far, I'm in Episode Two. The guy

21:22

from better off dead is not a

21:25

P. Devo, as they say, over

21:27

the pond. Dan Schneider, though, I

21:29

think. Well, where he there's unsolicited.

21:31

Hey, give me a massage in

21:34

front of everyone on set. Not

21:36

private massage. Again,

21:39

stop our. I'm just keeping an open

21:41

mind. There

21:44

are some bad things. I've established some

21:46

baddies in it, though. Oh, I was

21:48

immediately supposed to turn right. Oh,

21:51

just take a ride up here and

21:53

then and then we'll

21:55

be able to do it. Oh, we're almost coming up on

21:58

for a brief period. We were in a studio. out

22:00

of the car, what were we thinking? Oh

22:02

yeah, when, um, and Aaron used to record for

22:04

us. Good old Aaron. Sweet

22:07

man. The best. Yeah. Still

22:10

hanging tough at all things comedy, doing it,

22:12

getting it done for everybody. On

22:15

time and under budget. And

22:17

gives you good quiet laughing, much like our

22:20

friend on a lease, where you know

22:22

you're being funny, but you don't have to, like,

22:24

stop and talk about it. Right, that is all

22:26

that I did, by the way, when I was

22:29

directing the world's dumbest show, they

22:31

would tell their jokes and I couldn't laugh out loud,

22:34

but I wanted to give approval or direction, so

22:37

I would just silently make a laughing face

22:39

and give a thumbs up. And

22:41

that was my job, to sit in a chair and do

22:43

that. Yeah, people need support, all of

22:45

us. Yeah. Laughing support,

22:48

humor support. Um,

22:51

uh, genital

22:54

support. I'm sorry. What? We're going

22:56

back to the pedophile? I know,

22:58

no, no, no, adult genitals. Everyone's

23:01

an adult with these genitals. And

23:04

should I turn one street too early? No.

23:08

God damn it. It's okay. You gotta sneak

23:10

up on our, on our desk. I'm gonna

23:12

have you run through this gate and climb

23:14

that wall. Yeah. Knock on her

23:16

back door. Just run through, uh,

23:18

ooh, smells delicious. Hey. Someone's

23:21

kitchen, that's from Ferris Bueller. Soon to be a musical,

23:23

directed by me. God damn it. That's

23:26

the one thing you want to see. Everyone

23:28

loves that scene in Ferris Bueller where he's

23:30

lip syncing to Shake

23:33

It Up Baby now. Yeah. Twisting

23:35

shout a lot of people in parentheses. Laughing.

23:40

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Just the tips! Today

26:59

we had a little ad

27:02

for your podcast, Handsome.

27:05

Oh nice. Thank you for

27:07

doing that. We got the cross promos going.

27:10

Nice. Yes. Big

27:13

time podcasting business. How long have you

27:15

been doing that podcast? We

27:17

have been doing it, I think, six

27:19

months. Yeah, it's new. Yeah. But

27:21

already wildly popular. People love it. Wild!

27:25

It's wild. It's my fourth podcast

27:28

and I think I finally

27:30

am on to something. You

27:33

were always on to something. Well, everything

27:36

just kind of hit the

27:38

mid time and then this

27:41

one's doing well. Oh that's

27:43

great. Yeah. Well of course. You

27:45

got to look at the numbers. You got to page. We've

27:48

been all about the numbers on this

27:50

one. Yeah. You can

27:52

tell how kind of vicious we

27:54

are about ratings and... Reproduction. I

27:56

think just vicious people in general. Yeah.

28:00

really works for us. Yeah, and that's what

28:02

I'm here to talk to you about. Oh,

28:04

you both treated

28:06

me over the years. No, not

28:09

another personality intervention. I

28:11

thought I apologize. You

28:13

did and it's not enough. It's

28:16

not taking. No, I find

28:18

myself still very upset with

28:20

you. So I

28:22

said, Come pick me up and

28:24

let's promote my career. That'll

28:27

solve it. Yeah, you might

28:29

as well be recording during any

28:32

of these interventions. Yeah. I

28:35

realized the other day and wanted to say

28:37

it when we did Largo together, but I

28:39

think I you know, crowds make me nervous.

28:43

I heard so many we heard

28:45

so many intimate, well, mostly

28:47

bathroom use. Yeah. But

28:50

relationships. Yeah, I wanted to

28:52

chime in during, you

28:55

know, if there's arguments. Can I ask

28:57

a question about the bathroom use? Yes. With

28:59

Are you talking about Largo or when you

29:02

guys live together? Oh, this is a good

29:04

question. I'm lost. What happened? This will clarify

29:06

quite a bit. Go on, Chris. Yeah,

29:13

I'll take it from here. Okay, we

29:15

moved into the tiniest home. And

29:18

snugly, it was great. We loved it.

29:20

We used to put a flower in

29:23

that one vase and stare at it

29:25

in the corner while holding hands. I'm

29:29

not even kidding. Yeah. Yeah.

29:31

But I thought you said remember that

29:34

face. Remember that face when I

29:36

was staring at you? I

29:39

don't have it anymore. So you have to

29:41

remember I've only seen the back of your

29:43

head so far. So it could be

29:45

a different face. Let's

29:47

share the flower stand behind me.

29:50

Look at the back of my head and then

29:52

I'll move when it's your flower viewing turns around

29:55

and it's John Travolta. Sorry. That's okay. I

30:03

had a room and

30:05

then there was a living area and kind

30:07

of a kitchen. Yours wasn't even a room.

30:10

Yours was because I rented the

30:12

house first. Yes. And then Chris and

30:14

I worked together in Boise and fell

30:16

into friendship. Yeah. And

30:18

then I said and he was going through a breakup

30:20

and I was like, do you want to just move

30:23

in with me? We had so much fun that weekend.

30:25

Oh, okay. You remember? I thought you

30:28

found I'm like, what great timing. I thought

30:30

you found it right when we were done.

30:32

No, you were opening for me in

30:34

Boise and we fell into friendship love

30:36

and couldn't stop laughing. Boise,

30:38

girlsy, whatever I can get. They

30:41

see. And

30:43

so I said, you know, he and

30:45

his girlfriend had just broken up and I said,

30:47

I just rented this house. Do you want to

30:50

just move in with me? And he said, sure.

30:54

And then he moved into the,

30:56

I don't

30:58

know. Is it like a little TV

31:00

room or a dad? Like French doors.

31:02

Yeah. And

31:04

but it seemed like a bedroom. This is the first

31:07

I've heard that I was not

31:10

in a bedroom. It makes sense that you chose

31:12

the actual bedroom first because I thought you were

31:14

just giving me the bigger room. Well, because I

31:16

had a closet. Oh,

31:18

right. That was the

31:20

trade off. You got the big room. No

31:23

closet with a pile of clothes on my bed. I

31:27

thought that was your girlfriend. She's so boring. She's

31:30

been there nine years. My

31:33

girlfriend was that tennis ball at the end of

31:35

a broomstick. So

31:37

you could just keep the perfect

31:40

eye line with your imaginary girlfriend.

31:42

That whole relationship was just a

31:45

green screen experiment. But

31:49

yeah, we have thin walls and

31:51

we became very close. Forced. Yeah.

31:55

Yeah. So, you see, this is unrelated

31:58

but tangential. I went

32:00

to a restaurant last night, and I

32:02

went into the bathroom, and there

32:04

was a table right outside the

32:07

wall where the bathroom was, so

32:09

there was this window up high. But I

32:11

could hear their conversation so clearly that I

32:13

was like, well, I'm about to pee, and

32:16

then flush the toilet, and they're going to

32:18

hear me very clearly. And

32:20

that's gross. Like, when you're at a

32:22

restaurant? Yeah. It's also gross to share

32:25

that story. Oh, you're right. No.

32:30

No. You know that... I closed the

32:32

lid. Does that make it better? Oh, you did?

32:35

I washed my hands. From the beginning

32:37

of the story, I was like, Karen,

32:39

finally speaking my language. We're

32:42

doing the pee and poo material. I love the poo. I

32:45

know we've been abandoning it. I can take

32:47

us right back to it. I have a

32:49

couple of stories. Let's go. Okay. I

32:52

was in a public bathroom at the

32:54

airport, and oh my God.

32:58

This is so funny, but I also felt

33:00

for this woman, she was clearly

33:02

a single mom

33:04

traveling with a

33:07

two-year-old, and she had to

33:09

go to the bathroom. And in

33:11

the stall, she traps her child in

33:13

the stall with her because the kid

33:15

was too young to just wait outside.

33:19

And I'm in the stall next to her, and I

33:21

hear, eww, mommy,

33:24

gross. And

33:26

it stinks. And the mom was

33:28

saying, quiet, quiet.

33:30

And the kid was like, eww, it's gross.

33:36

And this poor woman is trapped, and

33:38

they're just trying to go to the

33:40

bathroom. Yeah. And then...

33:43

And everything a child says

33:45

is truth. You

33:47

know they're not lying. They're not trying to embarrass

33:49

her. It's like, oh, I'm not staying. No,

33:51

the child was truly trapped in a

33:53

stinky situation. I should have pushed the

33:55

child out of the cell, not fine.

33:58

Fine. I would love five minutes. it

34:00

to myself. Go wander around. I'm

34:02

just going to sit on the

34:04

pot and after

34:07

I flush, I'm just going to exhale

34:09

for 10 minutes. You do

34:11

you. And then the

34:13

other thing, this isn't number

34:16

one or number two stuff, but it's

34:18

even, I would say it's number four.

34:21

It is the number one grossest thing I've

34:23

ever seen in my life. I don't know

34:26

where you guys land with germ issues, but

34:28

I'm in the stall and

34:32

in the stall next to me. The

34:36

traveler at the airport has

34:39

put their personal

34:41

home pillow on the floor of

34:43

the bathroom. Oh no. And

34:45

then I can only imagine going

34:48

to snuggle into that while

34:50

they're flying through the air. I

34:53

can't even rest my backpack upon

34:55

the floor. I struggle with it

34:57

too. Sometimes the books are broken off. Or

35:04

even hold your pillow while you're

35:06

doing your business. Put it on

35:08

your head like you are in

35:10

the Serengeti. Yeah. I

35:13

like the idea of the person sitting down. The

35:15

neck pillow was around their neck and they're like,

35:17

Oh, I can't swell my cheeks and puff up

35:19

like I usually do when I'm do something. Let

35:21

me rest it right

35:24

where everyone has splattered. I've got

35:26

to clear this airway while

35:28

I go. Yeah. Nothing

35:31

worse than that visual. I wonder about

35:37

that person always. What

35:39

other gross, like no boundary

35:41

of grossness. Are they willing to

35:45

also have older than you.

35:48

They were 26 and a half. You can learn

35:50

a lot from someone's shoes.

35:58

It's like counting tree rings. I

36:05

have no they're

36:07

barefoot shoes oh

36:09

and they allow my toes to splay

36:11

out because as I age which

36:15

I'll be a lot older on the

36:17

24th just in a few days and I invited

36:19

both of you and neither of you responded to

36:22

the invite but it was disguised

36:24

as just a screening for my new special

36:26

but it is my birthday party I've not

36:28

seen either but I also am very bad at

36:30

email okay well I will look I will go

36:32

I'll be there I will be there it is

36:34

a private screening at Largo

36:36

and and there will

36:40

be a pizza truck cake

36:42

and Flanagan was talking about

36:45

I'm so there yeah okay I'll

36:47

put you on the left Oh RSVP

36:49

Flanagan was like should I do this and

36:52

then I I did a lot of the

36:54

planning mmm funny that

36:56

I just hadn't settled on a date

36:58

thank you for reminding me yeah happy

37:00

birthday party

37:04

two people that planned

37:06

it yeah I co-produce your

37:08

special I yeah I will all

37:10

be there it'll be great

37:13

wonderful I've been wearing these rubber toe

37:15

spacers you know there's the first set

37:17

that you wear and then the second

37:20

one's harder rubber but it does the

37:22

same thing and I because

37:25

it said do you have hip or

37:27

posture issues everything just a list of

37:29

things I have trouble with and it

37:32

was an Instagram hey slouchy

37:36

my phone not only listens judges

37:39

from through the camera

37:41

I guess but I did they

37:43

work because I wore them to

37:45

a music concert the other night

37:47

and just standing there my

37:49

calves and my back on

37:52

my legs were sore as they buy it

37:54

there this is the calves in your body yes baby

37:56

cows I brought

37:59

everyone's like I'm like, be quiet, I'm

38:01

trying to hear a guitar solo. Aaaah!

38:03

Aaaah! You're like, aaaah! Rodeo is

38:06

really cramping my style. Can

38:08

a 4H guy go on the town and see some

38:10

rock and roll? This rodeo is

38:12

really cramping my calves. My,

38:16

I should have said, my left and

38:18

right leg calves. You should have. I'm

38:21

like Amelia Bedelia and I take everything

38:23

seriously. I loved that. I

38:29

loved that book so much.

38:31

Karen, Karen Kilgaric. Karen

38:33

Marie Kilgaric. Any time

38:35

it was circle time in school and we

38:39

could pick a book, I was like,

38:41

Amelia Bedelia? All the way! Got

38:43

to tell her story. Oh my god. She

38:45

had no idea what was going on. It

38:48

was chaos all the time. She'd have the

38:50

list of things to do. And

38:52

on the list, the list was

38:54

draw the drapes. Well, she put

38:56

up an easel and she gets the

38:59

drapes. That's... Well, like Bobby

39:01

Pence flew out of her hair because she was so stressed

39:03

out all the time. She grew up to

39:06

be Kathy? I don't know. Ack!

39:10

I laughed as if I knew. I

39:13

just, I laughed like an idiot

39:15

because Amelia Bedelia makes me laugh.

39:17

I like word... but

39:19

I was pretending to know what

39:22

the book was. Do you really ever have to

39:24

say that in your life that you like wordplay?

39:26

I do. People know that. People

39:28

know that. I know. It's

39:32

been a while since you've seen me do

39:34

stand up. It is all, I sit down,

39:36

I tell stories. Now

39:39

I still do the wordplay. I used to do

39:41

rhymes. Yeah. Fun name rhyme. Rhymes

39:43

with no reason. But

39:46

I've not... So Amelia Bedelia would

39:48

do, would take things

39:51

literally. Yes. And

39:53

it made me and Karen, I found

39:55

out just a moment ago, laugh. So

39:59

I really think... I think when

40:01

people ask early comedy influences, I

40:03

do say Amelia Vidalia. Hell yeah.

40:06

Well, she was supposed to be the maid,

40:08

so she was like show up with her

40:10

maid outfit on if I'm not mistaken. You're

40:12

not, Karen. Okay, I just wanted to go. Go

40:14

on. I like to do things

40:16

in my childhood where I combine like four things.

40:18

I'm like, this is the monkey, right, that they

40:20

may get a job? No, that's a different one.

40:24

But she was like a maid, so she was, it

40:26

would be like a fancy house where she could break a

40:28

bunch of stuff. Yeah. And she would

40:30

be going around and she's supposed to be doing her job and

40:32

she's supposed to be doing it correctly. Sir,

40:35

like seriously. Yeah,

40:37

with your index finger halfway up,

40:39

your nostril. He was. I

40:41

heard that if you pick your nose, it could give you some

40:44

sort of cancer. Has anyone heard that? Well,

40:47

if you pick your nose, you could get

40:49

some sort of cancer. Is that what they

40:51

said? Is they meaning me? I just said

40:53

it. The doctor's like, well,

40:55

if you do that, you could get

40:57

some sort of cancer. So just be

41:00

careful. When I would

41:02

use the restroom to get going and remind

41:04

me, I should get cancer screenings. She's

41:07

like, do you remember that? I do.

41:10

Yeah, your squiggles. Well, because

41:12

there were things that were

41:14

left behind sometimes. We're back.

41:16

We're back to the ones and twos. She

41:20

meant I would bring neck pillows and

41:22

stuff in there. I

41:25

was telling Chris to get his

41:28

cancer squiggles checked out. Meanwhile,

41:30

I was wandering around full blown,

41:33

just riddled with cancer. So much cancer. Yeah, kind

41:35

of why I brought it up because I knew

41:37

you would just. You wanted to throw it in

41:39

her face? Yeah, every time

41:41

I shove that back. Hi, you are the

41:44

one. Get your

41:46

finger out of your nose, Missy. You

41:50

are always, just fingering

41:52

your tits. I

41:55

was always trying to get the boogers off

41:57

my tits. I

42:00

don't know. And sure enough, I got to ask cancer.

42:03

I'm the one that put the boogers there. Oh,

42:06

well. No, let me make a

42:08

correction. I didn't have to ask cancer, but I did

42:10

have boogers all over my food. Oh,

42:13

gosh. Fuck talking

42:15

spun. All right.

42:18

Goodbye. Oh, gosh. That's

42:21

great. Well,

42:23

a lot of good memories. Everybody

42:28

would always ask. And I'm sure

42:31

we talked about this on the other time

42:33

I was on the show, but why

42:36

not revisit it? But people would

42:38

always say, oh, my God, what

42:40

was it like with you two living together?

42:42

And I would always act out us like

42:44

sweeping and being like, do you have money

42:46

for the electric bill? I

42:50

mean, we had fun times. It was also

42:52

like just a lot of

42:55

sweeping and paying bills and having

42:57

roommates alternating, you know, coming and

42:59

going and running the

43:02

back house. Yeah, the

43:04

back house. Who is in the back house?

43:06

Can you give us some, do some name drops? Well,

43:09

Kristen Schall. Yeah. For

43:12

a little bit. Yeah. Kristen.

43:15

Great opener. John Bjorgen. Wait.

43:18

Who's the funny host of... Why

43:20

am I forgetting his name? Seth.

43:23

He lived back there for a... Seth Rogan.

43:26

Seth Rogan. No. It

43:28

was Joe Rogan. Very funny red-haired

43:30

guy with glasses that's a comic.

43:32

Kurt. Not... Prowler?

43:36

Yeah, he lived back there, too, for a little

43:38

bit. Did he really? Yeah. Yeah,

43:40

you must have gone... Nikki Glaser lived back there for

43:42

a... Nikki Glaser, sir? She was on the couch. Did

43:44

you guys have like a sign-in sheet or anything to

43:46

keep track? No. There

43:50

was a German guy. He slept

43:52

in the nude. Someone came into the house.

43:54

You were gone. They walked

43:56

right through those French doors. very

44:00

large man just walked in my room.

44:03

No, he was closed. I

44:05

was in my underpants. I

44:07

pushed him out and he would

44:10

look so surprised that I was kicking him out

44:12

of the house. Then I he

44:14

got angry on the porch and

44:17

was trying to get back in.

44:19

So I went out the back.

44:21

And then housed? Yes. Oh, yes.

44:23

And but certainly was in

44:25

the gym at some point. I

44:27

went in the back and the guy that

44:29

was living back there, that German guy came

44:31

out. He's like, what's going on? Yeah,

44:34

he had a Volkswagen bus and a

44:36

dog. And I mean, you're German. Just

44:38

because your car's, you know, it was

44:40

the accent. Oh, okay. And the young

44:42

circumcised penis that he came out with.

44:45

I was looking to see if this guy was

44:47

leaving and he just ran up and he was

44:49

flapping around. He's like, what's going on? And

44:52

I was like, well, you're like, I have

44:54

the same question for you. You just sleep

44:56

like that. You weren't ready to

44:58

go out. And then

45:00

and but we we

45:03

did some diversionary tactics.

45:05

He did like a cop voice

45:08

and the guy finally left a German

45:10

cop boy. Yes. Yeah. Naked German

45:12

cop. So did the guy that

45:14

came into our house? Did

45:18

he see the naked German man? No,

45:20

our roommate. No, right. Yeah. After the girl

45:22

from Russia, Ukraine

45:29

lived back there. Okay. I don't know.

45:31

But I think she had something to

45:33

do with the fact of your television.

45:35

Do you know what is very bizarre?

45:38

Oh, right. Her friend member you you

45:40

were your first take had never bought

45:42

all she had was one Aerosmith cassette

45:45

and some

45:48

boxers and and

45:50

you guys go with

45:52

Karen. I didn't remember

45:55

your voice to be

45:57

that beautiful. Karen,

46:01

when we're podcasting... I

46:06

feel like we're the same singers when

46:08

we're podcasting and then you hear her

46:10

album, which I believe is one of

46:12

your favorites. Oh my

46:14

God. Karen knows how to take

46:16

it to level two or three or four. But

46:21

to not make us feel

46:23

bad, she has her car singing voice.

46:25

Oh, okay. I forgot about

46:27

the Crane Room 8. Oh, you had that

46:29

TV for a week. Oh, it

46:31

totally makes tons of sense. What

46:34

is this? I don't know. Oh

46:36

boy, okay. Well, there's just

46:38

a guy standing in front of our

46:40

car. He is not... The

46:44

weird thing is... This could be dangerous. I

46:46

can't see his eyes. Does this happen

46:48

typically on the show? No, it hasn't

46:50

for a while. I'm a crazy

46:52

guy basically standing on the hood of the car,

46:54

but I can't tell if his eye line

46:57

is with your eyes. He's trying

46:59

to make that, and he's saying, yes, I have to

47:01

roll down the window, which will never happen. No,

47:04

of course not. No, no, okay. There's

47:24

a cop. Holy Lord.

47:30

Thank you, officer. How?

47:34

I got, I, I, holy

47:37

Lord. Yeah,

47:40

it's, it's scary when someone is

47:42

like that focused on you and you

47:44

can't figure out why and you'd start

47:46

to think he came a spirit off of

47:49

the sidewalk. Like he saw

47:51

our car. Yeah. And was coming

47:53

for us specifically. He

47:55

looked like he was just an asshole in a bar. Yeah.

47:58

Trying to start. Yeah. I'm glad. I just

48:01

wanted to tell him to stop. Totally

48:07

took down the vibe a little bit. I

48:10

think we can bring it back up. I think we

48:12

can for sure. But I started

48:15

picturing, I'm going to go in reverse. Did

48:18

you hear him go, you can't go in reverse? Did you hear

48:20

him say that? I

48:22

put it in reverse to

48:25

try to do the back back. But

48:29

if I go that way and he jumps behind

48:31

the car, then I fucking hit him. Right.

48:33

Right. I

48:36

can't find where these cameras

48:38

are. I don't know how to do that. It

48:41

was like he was baiting us

48:43

for something. That

48:47

we didn't have. We were not involved in

48:49

it. It's like someone in a black

48:51

Tesla fucked with him before. Right. They're

48:54

everywhere. Something, someone wronged him and

48:56

they had a card like this

48:58

with the same. But he also

49:01

had the energy of like, there could have

49:03

been a gun in that bag. Yeah, that was

49:05

right. That was the part I did not. Yeah.

49:07

Yeah, you're right. I didn't like that part

49:09

either. He did have a bag. It's

49:12

always scary when someone has a bag. Yeah.

49:15

Oh, wait, I'm sorry. It's always scary when someone

49:17

has a bag. Be

49:19

it, yes, a backpack, a

49:21

duffel. Anybody. Plastic bag. Even

49:24

if it's a clear bag. Even if it's your loved one. I

49:28

don't like when people have things with

49:30

them. What about burlap? I

49:32

do. Don't even talk about

49:35

burlap. Don't you

49:37

know if you can carry in burlap. Do you

49:39

guys think that some of the people in traffic

49:41

thought we did something to that guy? We were

49:43

just getting what we deserved. Yeah, I'm like, you're

49:45

making us look bad. Or is it we just

49:48

wouldn't go? Yeah, we were just like, we

49:50

were just thinking about it. What's

49:52

in that underpants store over there is what we

49:54

were talking about. It

49:57

still bothers me that for some reason

49:59

he's single. you out. But then luckily

50:01

I became his source

50:03

of attention. We were able to transfer it over.

50:05

But it was weird. I'll be honest, he

50:07

didn't care at all about me. I was

50:09

sticking my face in. I was trying to

50:11

take pictures. I watched you go like this

50:14

with your finger. Uh-uh. Oh, no you didn't.

50:16

You don't recognize her from anything? She's a

50:18

very well-known comic, sir. Premium blend. Premium

50:21

blend. Premium blend. Premium blend.

50:23

27 years ago, sir. It's me. The

50:29

observation. I still have them.

50:31

I see stuff that everybody

50:33

else don't realize they see.

50:36

You see? When I left with Tig

50:38

and she thought of a funny idea,

50:40

she'd always say, there's golden leaves here,

50:43

Hill, and she's pointing her brain. And

50:45

then I just run off. She run

50:47

off. Into the hills. Looking for gold.

50:53

Ugh. God, that was weird. I

50:55

know. It's weird. We're all

50:58

low-key traumatized. It's

51:01

not high-key. No. No,

51:03

I'm not. Do you remember

51:05

when that right there on the corner used

51:07

to be like a cute little French

51:10

quarter New Orleans style? Yeah.

51:13

But look at it now is my point. Yeah, look at

51:15

it now. It has a

51:17

no trespassing sign, which reminds me

51:20

of one of my favorite signs

51:22

that I oftentimes see

51:25

that says, keep out!

51:28

Which is weird because it's

51:30

a sign yelling at you

51:33

about something you're

51:36

already doing. Yeah. Why

51:39

escalate it? Yeah, you could

51:41

keep emotion out of it and just say, keep

51:43

out. Yeah. It's like, you know how

51:45

you're not in here? Keep doing that! The

51:48

exclamation point kind of makes you want

51:50

to go in there. Right. Why are

51:52

you already yelling at me? I'm just

51:54

looking in the direction of your insight.

51:56

Yeah, and I'm out. Yeah. I'm keeping

51:59

out. I'm going to keep doing it. I'm not

52:01

even because of your sign. Yeah, you keep

52:03

doing that. I have no interest until

52:05

my choice. Yeah. Yeah, you're just yelling

52:07

at someone. My choice. What

52:10

do you think would happen if those cops never came?

52:14

Karen's still traumatized. I am. You

52:16

guys. Would

52:18

have seen that I took karate in

52:20

sixth grade. I think it was because

52:22

my choice was let's wait

52:24

until somebody else solves this. Yeah, I

52:27

you're right. I was not proud. I was not.

52:29

I did not want to get out. But then

52:31

when he was being a dick, I think my

52:33

plan always is to go, hey,

52:36

do you mind? I'm sorry that you're having a

52:39

bad day. Like you can relate

52:41

to people. I'm very good at it.

52:43

Yeah, you're right. I a

52:45

bag. I don't I do not like a bag.

52:48

It could have been anything. I don't think anything

52:50

and the assumption of reason, I think is

52:52

how people get into trouble because the whole

52:54

thing was happening in

52:57

a world that he was living in. So right,

52:59

he wasn't there to communicate with

53:01

you about how there's no problem. Right. He

53:04

was gonna fight my power. Yeah,

53:07

it just I thought at first

53:09

because of his almost borderline

53:11

kind face. When

53:13

it's resting, he had resting kind face. I

53:20

thought he needed help. Like, hey, can you

53:22

pull over some stuff fell out of my

53:24

bag? All safe.

53:26

Yeah, kind of had a

53:28

Michael Stipe vibe. Yes, he

53:30

did. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

53:32

Just like, just a slender

53:34

bearded man that, you

53:37

know, like beeline. That's

53:39

me at your bumper. I

53:43

do it all day. Almost became

53:45

a hood ornament. Yeah. Yeah.

53:47

Yeah. And it kept getting

53:50

closer. There really was no

53:52

also doesn't this car act

53:55

on its own when there's a person's body?

53:57

Like, obviously, on your mind. map

54:00

or whatever, there was an image of

54:02

a person there and your car would

54:04

not have let you go forward, right?

54:06

I don't think, if I pressed the gas

54:08

it would have gone forward, it would have

54:10

beeped, but I think it would have moved

54:13

like a regular car. So we could have taken care

54:15

of it pretty quick. I should have, I'm sorry.

54:18

It wasn't efficient of me. But

54:20

I thought that's what he was saying when, it

54:23

can't go backwards, maybe

54:25

he knew a little bit, he used to work on

54:27

Tesla. It wasn't efficient of you

54:30

in your very efficient car. Before

54:32

we lived together and I had the breakup,

54:34

we lived behind the slicker store. What? In

54:37

the yellow story. And

54:40

one day a car slammed in the side of

54:42

it, we were not there. There

54:44

was brick and mortar all over the floor.

54:46

Guys don't you think it's weird that you

54:48

were telling the story of like the guy

54:51

that came in uninvited? And

54:53

then that's kind of what happened in

54:55

real life. Yes. Chris,

54:59

I was being interviewed

55:01

recently and your

55:04

name came up

55:06

and I was just delighted

55:08

that this guy interviewing me as a

55:10

Hollywood reporter was like, Oh, you're kidding.

55:13

I love Chris Fairbank. Oh, that's crazy.

55:15

So we had a little were you

55:17

guys talking about comedy? I crossed my

55:20

fingers. No,

55:22

he's just in love with you. Yeah. Yeah.

55:25

I wanted to ask you out. He used to go to his house, but

55:27

he kicked me out. Yeah. No,

55:30

he was saying how funny he said he's a

55:32

big fan of Karen. I was getting to that

55:34

Karen. Oh, I'm in it too. He

55:36

loves you too. And he

55:38

listens to my favorite murder. And

55:41

then he said, because of that, he started

55:43

listening to this podcast. So I'm

55:45

just now going to hear this. Oh,

55:50

it took me a second to connect the

55:52

talk. Oh,

55:55

right. This is what turned him on to you. He's

56:00

very familiar with your

56:03

comedy. It's

56:05

a shame that in the beginning of

56:07

the story you just tore him apart

56:09

for his physical appearance. I thought I

56:12

was off-putting. Man bun, okay. Can't go

56:14

back to that. Well,

56:18

I love that it always joined up

56:20

in this super group

56:22

of a podcast episode. Yeah.

56:25

This is the Alan Parsons of

56:27

talking. It

56:32

was always funny when I first met you and

56:34

you had pictures of you as a kid, like

56:37

working on a car or something, and you'd

56:39

have a cig in your mouth. And it

56:41

just seems like something you would never do.

56:43

But I've only known you

56:45

to be a health person. Yeah, well,

56:47

I did it. I did it.

56:49

And in fact, that picture you're talking

56:51

about of me smoking

56:54

a cigarette, I'm changing a

56:56

car tire. Yeah, but you're 12. Well,

56:58

I was like 18 or

57:01

something. And on

57:04

my podcast, Handsome, we

57:06

are making these stickers

57:09

that are specific to each host that

57:11

we're going to sell for

57:13

our individual birthdays. And

57:16

for my birthday, we are packaging. It's

57:18

funny that you would mention that picture,

57:20

Chris. Yeah. Look at

57:22

this, my friend. I

57:25

just sent it to Stephanie to

57:27

choose which one to

57:29

go with. Stephanie Arst. My wife.

57:32

Oh, yes. I'm so sorry. With

57:34

it saying, okay, Dyke at the bottom. Oh,

57:37

God, that's funny. Yeah. That's

57:39

hilarious. Look at your long hair. I know. I'm

57:41

a real Dave Grohl. Okay,

57:44

we get it. We get it. Well,

57:46

and okay, Dyke, that is at the

57:48

bottom of that is from when Stephanie,

57:51

my wife and I first got together.

57:54

We just we met up

57:57

in person for

57:59

the first time. after texting

58:01

for so long and when we immediately

58:03

met up we start making out just

58:07

instantly and then and then we continue for for a long time

58:10

and then the

58:16

next day I'm like

58:18

wow I really do like this

58:21

person that I had a hunch

58:23

that I really liked. She

58:25

sends me a 40 page email telling

58:27

me how much she loves hanging out with

58:29

me how funny she thinks I am that

58:32

she's not gay but she had

58:34

so much fun making out. Well

58:36

what's the middle part? What do you mean?

58:38

You said your wife that she's

58:40

not gay? She said

58:42

this. Oh yeah cuz she hadn't dated

58:45

a woman before. I thought this was

58:47

a recent email. No! Oh my

58:49

god! I'm like this

58:51

has happened before but not this late

58:53

in the game. This is

58:55

what happens to the brain. I'm traumatized by all

58:57

the straight girls you dated when we lived together.

59:00

So she writes me this

59:03

long long email and then

59:05

I was like I was a little deflated

59:07

but I just thought well what can I

59:09

do and then I just wrote back okay

59:11

Dyke. Oh I'm

59:14

okay. And then she said when

59:16

she got that she was so

59:18

delighted. That's so funny. She's like

59:20

okay I do like this person.

59:22

That's so funny. And now we're

59:24

married and we have two kids

59:26

three cats a production company we're

59:28

on year 11. I love

59:30

them all and I love two of the cats. You

59:33

don't like the third? No. I don't

59:35

like it. You love kitties. We

59:39

can bring her into this woman

59:41

into our podcast because she was

59:44

right there. Oh yeah. We've done that

59:46

before. See that's when usually it was

59:49

a time I tried to lightheartedly say

59:51

we get it you're on a bicycle

59:53

and that guy chased us down. Oh

59:55

see this isn't unusual that you

59:57

run into them. A

1:00:00

lot of problems on the road. That's a great new name

1:00:02

for the show, Miss Haps on Wheels. It is.

1:00:05

It is easier to remember. If I

1:00:07

get introduced one more time with, can I give

1:00:09

you a ride? Give it up for

1:00:11

Christopher. I am

1:00:13

embarrassed. Please don't tell Steph. I

1:00:17

should know when you said Stephanie, but I thought of

1:00:19

your friend Steph. Oh, Steph Willan.

1:00:21

Steph Willan. That was always at our

1:00:23

house. Yeah, yeah. It's because

1:00:25

we were thinking of that time, but I'm

1:00:27

still obviously embarrassed that you had to go.

1:00:29

You should be terribly embarrassed. I am. I

1:00:32

am a jag on my face. So

1:00:36

don't... Anyway,

1:00:38

that's why it says, okay, Dyke, and we're

1:00:40

selling those stickers. Yeah. You got

1:00:42

it. Yeah, it's not a sticker.

1:00:44

You can just stick on something in mixed

1:00:46

company. No, no, no, no. Don't stick it

1:00:48

on the pew at church. Or

1:00:51

do with your Episcopalian. You'll be fine. Yeah,

1:00:54

those goddamn Episcopalian. They don't know what

1:00:56

they think. I can't

1:00:58

believe it. Okay. What

1:01:01

are you... Yes.

1:01:05

What pastime are you excited about these days? What

1:01:07

are you interested in? I've been

1:01:09

treading water. Oh, really? Yes, yes.

1:01:12

I've had some surgeries in

1:01:15

my past and

1:01:17

every time I've recovered

1:01:19

from surgery, I'm told, you

1:01:22

gotta walk. Right. So don't

1:01:24

walk too much. Yeah. And

1:01:27

so... Here we go again. Uh-oh. This

1:01:29

guy, nope, he's friendly. He just looks crazy. That's a

1:01:31

sweatshirt. It's not a bag, it's a sweatshirt. We're fine.

1:01:34

Yeah. Hey, pro-union man. That guy's

1:01:36

a grip, for sure. Sorry. The

1:01:40

other guy was a director. I swim,

1:01:42

too, that it's the best therapy, right? Yeah.

1:01:45

Well, but I tread water for

1:01:47

an hour at a time. And

1:01:50

I started doing that so that I

1:01:52

could exercise my entire body without putting

1:01:55

too much pressure on myself. And

1:01:57

I started at 15 minutes and I was like, oh,

1:01:59

that's not... I'll go up to 30

1:02:01

did that that's not a problem for me.

1:02:04

I went up to 45 who cares. We

1:02:06

do an hour Oh getting a

1:02:08

red water for an hour Chris. I

1:02:10

and I like a you should play

1:02:12

water polo Well, then

1:02:14

I'd have to get a whole team together,

1:02:16

right? I have to learn the sport where

1:02:18

I can just be by myself I'm

1:02:21

in a pool and tread water

1:02:24

and I do that for exercise

1:02:26

I love it so much. And so

1:02:28

we're putting a pool in over at

1:02:30

our office. Oh, that's great Yeah, we

1:02:32

didn't want to have it other kids.

1:02:34

Please make it just be a deep deep

1:02:36

hot tub with treading pool But

1:02:40

I to arm lengths why yeah cuz

1:02:42

that is my hip guy he would

1:02:44

said no more running that makes your

1:02:46

bones rub together and Started

1:02:49

swaying. I didn't even know how to swim. I had

1:02:51

to get a snorkel and now I love it Well,

1:02:54

we should tread water sometime Okay,

1:02:57

if you don't mind someone being right

1:02:59

next year for 15 of those 50 minutes

1:03:01

with a snorkel on Just

1:03:04

in case I go below water Yeah,

1:03:07

I'd love to have you for 15 of

1:03:10

those minutes doesn't it if you have any

1:03:12

pain in your body Because

1:03:14

I had it radiating down my leg and

1:03:16

yeah, and then I would swim and it's

1:03:19

like oh my whole body feels better There's

1:03:21

not much else. It's so

1:03:23

magically helpful in Strengthening

1:03:27

your body. Yeah and like That's

1:03:31

amazing that you tread that long I can't

1:03:33

yeah, I kind of do it as it

1:03:35

also is a meditative thing I

1:03:37

don't like put headphones in I don't I don't

1:03:39

do anything I just right I

1:03:42

just tread and think when

1:03:44

I first got into it I'm like,

1:03:46

there's no way this won't be the

1:03:48

most boring thing ever So I have

1:03:50

waterproofed a little iPod and got underwater

1:03:53

Earbuds that were actually hard to

1:03:55

find Man, and

1:03:57

they of course didn't work water gets

1:03:59

it there anyway. But I guess

1:04:02

just the focus and the breathing

1:04:04

and maintaining a rhythm because if

1:04:08

I wasn't paying attention I just all of a sudden

1:04:10

veer off into the rope or whatever. You kind of

1:04:12

have to pay attention to your breathing. So

1:04:15

as a byproduct swimming is like meditative.

1:04:17

I know I'm doing a commercial for

1:04:19

swimming that I've already done but it's

1:04:23

pretty great though. I do love it

1:04:25

and I always forget how therapeutic it

1:04:27

is. Well I'm, you

1:04:29

know, as I mentioned getting

1:04:31

older I'll be 53 and I can't

1:04:34

believe that I have become the

1:04:41

person that when I go

1:04:43

out of town or I'm on tour I

1:04:46

bring my lesbian bikini

1:04:48

which is this short

1:04:51

board shorts and a swim

1:04:53

shirt. Yeah. And I get up

1:04:55

in the morning and I go swim before

1:04:57

other people. Yeah. Well I tread water let's

1:05:00

be honest. Yeah. I play

1:05:02

water polo alone. Yeah. No

1:05:05

team, no ball.

1:05:07

Yeah. But I do that

1:05:10

now. That's great. Because

1:05:12

my guy was like

1:05:14

oh just wait like run in

1:05:16

the water. And so I went

1:05:18

to the Elizabeth Taylor Aquatic Center

1:05:20

where I was prescribed to go.

1:05:23

Was Liz a

1:05:25

swimmer? No that's the funny

1:05:27

thing. There's these giant long

1:05:29

flags the shape of a

1:05:31

flag that get out of my pool.

1:05:33

Yeah. Liz doesn't approve. And there's just her

1:05:35

in a swimsuit and that was the first

1:05:37

thing I asked. I'm like was she a

1:05:40

big swimmer? And they're like oh no she

1:05:42

hated swimming. She just paid for this building.

1:05:45

She loves swimming. And despised

1:05:47

it. Classic Liz. Yeah. But

1:05:49

it was just me and

1:05:51

a bunch of oldies you

1:05:53

know rocking back and forth. And I'm like

1:05:55

I gotta start swimming. But

1:05:58

treading is. Takes it to

1:06:00

the next level. That's actually It's

1:06:03

very hard to like not touch

1:06:05

the bottom for a whole hour. I'm

1:06:07

proud of you. Oh, well, thank you

1:06:09

I'll blow your mind right now Sometimes

1:06:12

I tread without my arms Just

1:06:14

like just legs just like power. Yeah,

1:06:17

cuz after you get into treading water There's

1:06:20

only so much you can do and so

1:06:22

I start doing things like just tread with my

1:06:24

arms just right with my legs Just you know

1:06:26

do it. What do you do with your arms when

1:06:29

you're just using your legs? I put them on

1:06:31

real tight. Well, yeah, like Donald I put them on

1:06:33

my hips and I tread like a

1:06:35

lady You tread like that

1:06:37

the cops again. We're dead Do

1:06:39

you know what? My favorite thing to do is

1:06:41

and like a cop pulls someone over or there's

1:06:44

something going on I like to roll my window

1:06:46

down and go Officer

1:06:48

what happened here? And

1:06:50

they're like, move it

1:06:52

along It

1:07:00

brings me so much joy,

1:07:02

they're so irritated like yeah,

1:07:04

why would they share with

1:07:06

me? Explain this

1:07:12

While the person Do

1:07:15

you guys need any help I fear see myself

1:07:17

a bit of a gumshoe I'll do the backup

1:07:19

call if you want me to do backup call.

1:07:22

Do you want me to hold his feet first?

1:07:24

No, you're not cuffing his ankles. Okay Don't

1:07:27

be a hog time Just

1:07:29

a cowboy fully dressed up and

1:07:32

cowboy gear. I like the way that cop I

1:07:34

was rolling through that stop sign and I

1:07:37

was basically about to just keep going and take

1:07:39

the right and then stopped because a cop And

1:07:42

he smiled at me like, yeah, I'm thank

1:07:44

you. I do the rolling stop too I

1:07:46

do that all the time. Karen why'd you ask what

1:07:48

my hobby was these days? I was running out of things

1:07:50

Yeah, I was like, well, I was trying to make small

1:07:52

talk and I feel like Sometimes

1:07:55

we have so much fun missing

1:07:57

that we don't give the guests like the floor

1:07:59

and the Right, right. We're

1:08:01

gonna have an open space now for

1:08:03

you to talk about whatever you came

1:08:06

to talk about. You your verbal diary.

1:08:09

Oh, real? But

1:08:12

um... I'll tell you what Tig's

1:08:14

been doing as a hobby. She gave

1:08:16

me this, it's sprinkle-able. Oh

1:08:19

yeah. It's mushrooms, sesame seeds. Tell

1:08:21

her what it's called. It's,

1:08:24

oh... Well you don't tell everyone what's in it because I have

1:08:27

the top sequence. Well I gave

1:08:29

away there's mushrooms and seeds. Well

1:08:31

there's 17 different types of

1:08:34

mushrooms in it. I call it

1:08:36

dike dust. And

1:08:38

it's working on me. Have

1:08:41

you enjoyed it? Isn't it so good

1:08:43

in savory conditions? I'm

1:08:45

halfway done with the kind of

1:08:48

behavior you gave me. Swinging back by. It makes

1:08:50

you feel real good? It gives you,

1:08:52

what does it give you? Well it's very nutrient

1:08:54

dense and I created it when I

1:08:56

became... This isn't why I'm on the

1:08:58

podcast by the way. I figured. I'm

1:09:01

on the podcast because I needed a ride around in a

1:09:03

circle. But um... To

1:09:06

then have the confronting moment with the early

1:09:11

this morning Tig called and said, can you help me get

1:09:13

into a street fight? But

1:09:15

I, when my family, my wife

1:09:17

and our two children became vegan,

1:09:19

I was in that typical panic

1:09:22

of, oh my gosh what if we don't

1:09:25

get enough protein and iron

1:09:27

and whatever. And so I

1:09:29

created this, I

1:09:32

don't know, little thing that you

1:09:34

can sprinkle. Supplemental sprinkles. Yeah,

1:09:36

supplemental sprinkle. And if somebody can come up with

1:09:38

a name for it because I would like to sell it

1:09:41

one day. Whenever I go to someone's house or somebody comes

1:09:43

over I give them some of my dike dust. And

1:09:45

when I would go over and deliver it to people's

1:09:47

houses at a party, they'd be like, what is this?

1:09:51

I'd go, I don't know, dike dust. And so now

1:09:53

I just call it that. What about Mrs. Dyke,

1:09:55

like Mrs. Yes? Mrs. Dyke. I

1:09:58

like sprinkleable supple. Yeah,

1:10:01

and then my attorney suggests I

1:10:03

call it, oh,

1:10:05

Notaro Zone. Oh, yeah. Like

1:10:09

a joke about Paul Newman. Like a conor. Paul

1:10:12

Newman Zone. I'll do a little illustration of you.

1:10:15

Yeah, that'd be great. What about

1:10:17

Mrs. Tiggs? Mrs. Tiggs. Mrs.

1:10:19

Tiggs. Well, there's

1:10:23

somebody in my history of

1:10:25

my life would call me Miss Tig, and

1:10:27

she was very terrible. From

1:10:32

my childhood, and I can't bring myself, when

1:10:34

somebody calls me Miss Tig, I'm like, Ugh,

1:10:36

what person? How about Mr. Tig? Mr. Tig, it

1:10:38

is. Mr. Tig's Sprinkleable Supplement. Mr.

1:10:42

Tig's Wild Sprinkle. And

1:10:45

Mr. Tig's Wild Sprinkle Rod. Wait,

1:10:50

is my name now Tiz? Mrs. Tizzy's Tig fits

1:10:52

Sprinkleable Supplement. Tizzy

1:10:58

fits, thank you. Tizzy fits. Yeah,

1:11:01

so I can get you some Dyke Dust if you'd like some. And

1:11:03

I wanted- I would like

1:11:05

some. Okay, please. Yeah, I do

1:11:07

use, because it also adds

1:11:09

like a crunchy texture to

1:11:12

things, like on a salad where you want. You

1:11:15

want it for like, you know, savory

1:11:18

dishes like pastas,

1:11:20

pizza, salad soup,

1:11:23

a baked potato. Yeah, that'd be good.

1:11:25

You understand now. I think I get

1:11:27

it. You're getting it. Because it's relatively

1:11:29

flavorless, but it gives it

1:11:32

a crunch. But there's a little bit of

1:11:34

flavor, and it's so good like on avocado

1:11:36

toast. Yeah, yeah. And

1:11:38

yeah, so it sounds awesome. And

1:11:41

I also want to make sure people- Mr. Tig's

1:11:43

Sprinkleable- Sorry, I didn't mean to- Mr.

1:11:45

Tig's Sprinkleable Tizzy. For

1:11:48

Dykes only. And you should be

1:11:51

dressed like an old 50s grocery store manager

1:11:53

with like an apron and a bow tie

1:11:55

and then like- I already do it. I

1:11:57

already do it. I tie him behind at

1:11:59

the house. I think add a

1:12:01

top hat to that, go outdoors to

1:12:03

a carnival and be like, I've never

1:12:05

met this person in my life. What

1:12:07

ails you? And then I'll be like,

1:12:10

I'm a back in my neck, and

1:12:12

then my neck. Well, Jesse,

1:12:15

just come in, your neck, it's

1:12:17

looking a little soggy. And

1:12:21

then and then I'll sprinkle some on and then

1:12:24

do a little tap dance and everyone will line

1:12:26

up like an elixir person.

1:12:29

Solved. I mean, sold. It'll be

1:12:31

a fine sign. Sold.

1:12:34

But I did come on the podcast

1:12:36

to tell people about my new stand

1:12:38

up special called Hello Again. Nice. And

1:12:41

it is on Prime Video. Is

1:12:44

it out already? It comes out on

1:12:46

March 26. And my

1:12:49

beautiful, lovely wife, Stephanie, directed

1:12:51

it. Oh, nice. Yeah. That's terrific.

1:12:53

Yeah. So we work a lot

1:12:55

together and we enjoy it. You

1:12:58

have a production company. We do. We have

1:13:00

a production company together. Great. Yeah. I love

1:13:02

it. Yeah. I love you too. And

1:13:05

I you and us. We and

1:13:07

I owe you and I owe

1:13:09

us some love. Did

1:13:12

you know that we acted like

1:13:14

idiots every day and it feels like

1:13:17

we're living together again? Yes, it does. I

1:13:19

was like, what if we did the things

1:13:21

we do, giggling and making? We

1:13:23

would laugh so hard. I one

1:13:26

of us would make the fart noise

1:13:29

and the other one has to react.

1:13:31

And the fart face without that matches

1:13:33

the ridiculous. I don't care who you

1:13:35

are. You can be a professor of

1:13:38

all parts of everything. But

1:13:41

first, but I can

1:13:43

say, but and

1:13:46

you will laugh. It's so fun

1:13:48

to make the face. Yes. Yes.

1:13:50

We don't have to do it now because it's not good

1:13:52

for audio. And

1:13:55

then just different physical scenarios act them

1:13:57

out. And it's like, what if we

1:13:59

did this? No one would think with

1:14:25

do some bad small talk about, are you

1:14:27

interested in these days? And I'd be like,

1:14:29

send me a ten-dumb offer. That

1:14:32

story didn't go anywhere. See you later. But I

1:14:35

am! Goodbye! It

1:14:38

was the funniest. That's to me

1:14:40

like a little flat- A little sample

1:14:43

of maybe what it was like for

1:14:45

you guys. So up there the guardrail

1:14:47

was exactly med-sci-height. I

1:14:49

used so easily can accidentally.

1:14:53

There might have been many people from Sarah's rooftop

1:14:56

parties that ended up when you're like

1:14:58

where did that comedian go? I haven't

1:15:00

heard of them in a while. The

1:15:02

sidewalk? Yeah, flats. They both. They

1:15:05

both. Oh, I one time there,

1:15:07

I wasn't with you when I was

1:15:09

still getting invited as a solo project.

1:15:13

I thought it'd be funny to accidentally

1:15:16

fall in the pool and have someone

1:15:18

toss me that life preserver. Everyone

1:15:22

thought it was too much.

1:15:24

Yeah. Yeah. You agree? Yeah,

1:15:27

it was too much. Were you there? Well,

1:15:30

I can just tell. You overdid it.

1:15:32

Yeah, you pushed too hard. I

1:15:34

said help, help! I

1:15:36

cannot swim and everyone just looked like-

1:15:38

I cannot swim. I

1:15:41

can't swim, but I cannot. I cannot. But

1:15:44

I can tread water for one hour. And

1:15:47

no one's listening. That makes them jump

1:15:49

off. It's tough because you really made

1:15:51

a huge planet at that party. I had to take

1:15:53

my clothes off. You made a huge splash. I

1:15:56

walked wet in my underwear to my car feeling

1:15:58

like I made no new friends. Yeah. Oh

1:16:02

boy, there's many embarrassing

1:16:04

moments. Yeah. Jake,

1:16:06

thanks for being here. Yeah, this was not one of them. At my

1:16:08

house? Yeah. Thanks

1:16:10

for living here. Okay. Thanks for having me

1:16:12

here at my house parked in

1:16:14

front and- Do you want to go around one more time? No.

1:16:18

Okay. No, I'm all done.

1:16:20

Hello again. If anybody wants to check out

1:16:22

Handsome, it's me, Fortune Feimster and Mae Martin,

1:16:24

and we just- if

1:16:26

you like the nonsense of this podcast, we

1:16:28

are- 100

1:16:31

million percent nonsense on Handsome. Yeah, I

1:16:33

like it. That's the only way. And relaxing. Yeah.

1:16:37

That's the thing I like is like doing the dishes,

1:16:39

going around my house, trying to calm the fuck

1:16:41

down for the day, and you're

1:16:43

listening to your friends just have fun, and

1:16:46

it's just jokes and calm. Yeah.

1:16:49

Laughing, enjoyment. Calm, joy. And

1:16:51

this is a tizzy. And listen to us now. It's

1:16:53

me, Jake. The health radiates through. Radiate

1:16:55

through. Break out your mushroom powder and

1:16:58

pour it on your face. You

1:17:00

can have it on your avocado toast or you

1:17:02

can put it straight on your face. Hello

1:17:05

again, premiering the 26th of this

1:17:07

month. The

1:17:09

month I forget because I don't go to school

1:17:12

anymore. And

1:17:14

I don't write checks. I don't know what year it

1:17:16

is, but on the 26th of

1:17:18

one of these months, Hello Again by

1:17:20

Tig, a comedy special.

1:17:22

Okay, tight. Let's

1:17:25

not forget Mr.

1:17:28

Tig's Sprinkle-able Supplements.

1:17:30

Available at all your

1:17:32

depositories. Stewards. Stewards. Unhandsome.

1:17:36

We did talk about how many

1:17:38

times in Fortune's life her grandmother

1:17:40

shoved a suppository in her bottom. Anytime

1:17:43

she didn't feel well. In

1:17:45

goes the suppository, no matter what the

1:17:47

symptom was. Grandma, get out of there.

1:17:50

Get out. Find something else to

1:17:53

do. My mom loves

1:17:55

sticking stuff up there too. Don't

1:17:57

you have the worst gravel? have

1:18:00

a fever, why do we have to use the... Don't you

1:18:02

have a tennis ball to put at the bottom of

1:18:04

your... Walker.

1:18:06

Walker? Texas Ranger. Yes. So

1:18:09

weird. I could so many

1:18:11

times put tennis balls at the bottom

1:18:13

of Texas

1:18:17

Walker Ranger. My father's middle name

1:18:19

is Walker. Oh. All right,

1:18:21

well with that I'm gonna walk home. Ding

1:18:23

dong. Thanks for having me. Yeah,

1:18:26

you're... I know you're both two

1:18:28

of the funniest people alive and I'm

1:18:30

sick of people thinking that I'm exaggerating.

1:18:33

Oh, thanks. Well, I guess I expect

1:18:35

the Hollywood reporter... It's like the, thank

1:18:37

you Detroit, you were awesome. You were the

1:18:39

best. I mean it. Detroit was the best.

1:18:42

You two were the funniest. Aw. Keg,

1:18:45

you're the best. Yeah. That was

1:18:47

a classic. I'm sorry I ever

1:18:49

left you. You've been listening to

1:18:51

Do You Need

1:18:54

a Ride? D-Y-N-A-R.

1:19:03

This has been an Exactly

1:19:05

Right Production. Produced by Annalise

1:19:07

Nelson. Mixed by Edson Choi.

1:19:09

Our talent booker is Patrick

1:19:11

Kotner. Theme song by Karen

1:19:13

Kilgarris. Artwork by Chris Fairbank.

1:19:16

Follow the show on Instagram,

1:19:18

Twitter, and Facebook at Dynar

1:19:20

Podcasts. That's D-Y-N-A-R Podcasts. For

1:19:23

more information go to

1:19:25

exactlyrightmedia.com. Thank you. You're

1:19:28

welcome.