0:01

This is Exactly Right. Hi,

0:09

I'm Erin Welsh. And I'm Erin Ammann-Upteich, and

0:11

we're the hosts of this podcast will kill

0:13

you on Exactly Right. We're back with our

0:16

seventh season, which is bigger and better than

0:18

ever. Because guess what? We're now

0:20

a weekly show. This season, we're

0:22

tackling everything from long COVID to

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norovirus, from the supplement industry to

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IVF, and so, so much more.

0:30

New episodes drop every single Tuesday.

0:32

Follow this podcast will kill you wherever you

0:35

get your podcasts. Are you leaving? Are

0:41

you on your way back home? Either way,

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we want to be there.

0:46

Doesn't matter how much baggage

0:49

you claim. Give

0:52

us time and aid,

0:55

terminal and gate. We

0:59

want to send you off in

1:01

style. We want to

1:03

welcome you back home. Tell

1:07

us all about it. Were you scared or

1:09

was it fine? Mouth

1:12

warm. With

1:43

Karen and Chris. Welcome

1:54

to Do You Need a Ride? This is

1:56

Chris Fairbanks. And this is

1:58

Karen Kilgarin. What was

2:00

your sesame day? I've

2:03

had a great day actually. Yeah. Although

2:06

I have to say, I like swimming

2:08

in between meetings because I was like,

2:11

that kind of feeling where, and I'm

2:13

sure you relate, where you're like, if I

2:15

don't flex my muscles in some way right

2:17

now, I'm going to go insane. Yes.

2:20

So I was like, jump in the pool for 20 minutes

2:22

and you'll, and then get out and then you'll be

2:24

ready for your next thing. And

2:27

right near the end, the dogs start barking and I was

2:30

like, the fucking pool guy's here. So then I have to

2:32

get out of the pool in front of the pool guy. Oh

2:35

yeah, that's never. It was. It's

2:38

never in a Daniel Craig, James Bond way. It

2:40

never feels modally. Although

2:43

I have to say he's a great, nice

2:45

person and he had big, because I was

2:47

like, oh, I'm just sitting out by, like

2:49

basically like had to scoot by and he

2:51

had a big smile on his face. It

2:54

wasn't an unpleasant experience, but I just

2:57

don't, I don't want to swim publicly.

3:00

No, it's the worst part

3:02

of what I do when I

3:04

swim, which is public pool. Yeah.

3:07

Does people being able

3:09

to appraise you at all times? I

3:11

have to join some kind of club

3:13

where it's outdoor. I'll be more excited

3:15

to go. Yeah. The

3:17

basement of the 24 hour

3:19

fitness is

3:22

not something I look forward

3:24

to. It's a hostage situation. Yes, it

3:26

is. It is. I feel like I'm

3:28

swimming at gunpoint. Gunpoint. Someone

3:31

chewing gum. Gunpoint. I will begin

3:34

to enunciate. How

3:37

was your exciting day? I

3:39

had a great day. I started

3:42

the morning at Costco skating with

3:44

my group of my

3:46

age appropriate. Skate crew. Your hot

3:48

dog boys? Yeah, the boys. Yes,

3:50

we all go in and

3:53

get all the best food. There's

3:56

a guy that shows up though and

3:58

he's coming every morning. He

4:00

lives in his van, I believe, and

4:03

he has seven or eight

4:05

cats in his van. And

4:08

there's times where someone meets him and they

4:10

exchange animals. I think that maybe he's a

4:13

trainer or something. I can't believe I haven't

4:15

heard it because when he talks, it's hard

4:17

to get away. But

4:20

he yells at these cats

4:22

in a way where it's like, you can't

4:24

yell at a cat. You can't train

4:27

a cat as if they're dogs. They're

4:29

all on leashes, but they listen to

4:32

every word he says. Oh, well, because

4:34

they're scared shitless. He yells, well,

4:36

they seem relaxed. They do? There's

4:38

this little island area off to

4:41

the side, like a grassy bushy

4:43

area. And he just has

4:45

them all on a tether to the van, these

4:48

long ropes. And

4:51

they all just hang out and lay in the sun.

4:53

And I go, it's like a bunch of cats. I'm

4:55

surrounded by them. And I pet them all. And

4:58

then I got to hear about how he killed a guy

5:00

with a hatchet once. He

5:02

often talks about hatchet. Yeah. Get

5:05

out of there. No, that's my skate spot. I'm

5:07

not going to not go just because there's a

5:09

hatchet. No, but you don't have to go into his

5:12

area. He wants

5:14

so badly to connect with us. He comes

5:16

over and talks. He's like, I got waters.

5:20

He wants to be part of our group so badly

5:22

that I can't. The

5:24

hatchet aspect is just stories. I think he

5:27

was a hatchet man in the past. He's

5:31

since found solace with these cats.

5:33

If you get murdered by hatchet man, I'm

5:35

going to be so fucking mad at you. I

5:38

know. I can't even tell you. Yeah, don't

5:40

be because I said something wrong or petted the cat

5:42

the wrong way. That person. You

5:44

stepped on the leash and he's like, you did

5:47

not. I did what the

5:49

other man did. I swear, I just got

5:51

tripped up. Don't bring out the

5:53

hatchet. He just is

5:55

often bragging about how

5:57

he can protect himself. van.

6:00

Like maybe he thinks we want to hear it because

6:02

he lives in a van and he

6:04

thought maybe his skater friends were

6:07

worried about his well-being but apparently

6:09

he can handle himself. Okay, well good

6:11

then. I won't worry about it. Yes,

6:13

I don't think he would ever bring

6:16

harm to us and again he's a

6:18

cat man. I trust a

6:20

multi cat man. Such famous last words but

6:22

anyway I'll see you on the other side.

6:24

How about that?

6:27

It's not a bad way to go. It is

6:30

the worst way to go, had you? Well

6:32

it's better than me. No, chopping. It's

6:35

better than me quickly going, you

6:37

know, on the toilet or something.

6:40

I would rather be at

6:42

the hands of a hatchet man. I like the idea.

6:46

I want to know not really

6:48

how you could die quickly and on

6:50

the toilet. Wouldn't that be slow and painful?

6:53

Yes, I suppose. I think the way Elvis

6:55

did it is he

6:57

was having it slow and painful and

7:00

then just locked out with

7:02

a quick heart attack. Oh, like a snap.

7:04

Yeah, yeah. So leading up to it, yeah,

7:06

depends on what the

7:08

situation is I suppose. And it depends

7:10

on your attitude, I think. Yeah, yeah.

7:12

I always have a positive attitude in

7:15

the bathroom and so

7:17

far nothing bad's happened. Knock

7:19

on wood. Yeah,

7:22

I've had those kiddies and it was

7:24

great. But

7:26

I think it's because I make eye

7:28

contact and I

7:30

made eye contact with him and said hello and

7:32

then he's like, I gotta take her, he's my

7:35

new friend. Yeah. And I do that a

7:37

lot and I don't think I'll ever stop. Okay.

7:39

I just, because normally it's

7:41

not an issue. Well,

7:44

I've heard a couple of stories where it was an issue. Yeah,

7:46

I know. I know. Seems, I just

7:50

don't want you to keep going to the same well,

7:53

the same hatchet well over and over,

7:55

expecting different results. Yeah, it's either a

7:57

hatchet or somebody wants some money. A

8:01

man in my neighborhood came up

8:03

to me and said, you

8:06

have a lucky face. Your

8:09

face brings you luck. And I'm like,

8:11

oh, I don't know about that. And then he started to

8:13

ask me a few questions. And then he asked me to

8:15

think of a number and a color.

8:18

And then he handed me a wrinkled up piece of

8:20

paper. And of course that number and color were on

8:22

it. I always think I don't

8:24

like magic, but I was blown away. And

8:27

then he said, you had an idea

8:29

and you passed it off

8:33

as something that wouldn't work, but

8:35

you need to focus that idea.

8:38

And it isn't about your normal

8:41

workplace. I'm

8:43

like, all I could

8:45

think of though was how we were podcasting

8:48

around that time. And

8:51

we had talked about a outsider's

8:55

play. I'm like,

8:57

I have to write this outsider's play. You

8:59

absolutely should. But I've been

9:01

getting a flurry of messages lately

9:03

guess what? On

9:05

Broadway there's currently an outsider's musical.

9:09

No. Exactly what we said would be bad.

9:12

It is currently on Broadway. Outsiders

9:14

the musical. I wanna see that.

9:16

I know, isn't that insane though?

9:19

I mean, yeah, but also it feels,

9:22

that's what things feel like to me

9:24

lately. Everything feels kind of fake. And

9:27

it's almost like the veil is

9:29

lifting or the, what do they say? That

9:31

the something is becoming thin. Like

9:34

everything is getting weird in a way

9:36

where it's like, this is

9:38

weird. Is that retrograde

9:41

business? Kind of. Oh boy.

9:43

I mean, I don't know.

9:46

It's just a little, it's a time to, as

9:48

you like to say, keep it loose. That's

9:50

for sure. Yes, I guess so.

9:52

Right. I just felt

9:54

a little bit like, I mean, I do

9:56

know a guy that writes musicals. I

9:59

could have called me. said hey we got

10:01

to work on this outsider's thing I

10:03

hadn't I like I already did get out

10:05

of my business I barely had had the

10:08

idea and it was already stolen I'm here

10:10

I had it it's not weird though that

10:12

already I mean we just released

10:15

not to be not to do an

10:17

amazing integration ad right now but we just released

10:21

limited series called the butterfly king and

10:23

like the week after they released it

10:26

we got a message they

10:28

just did a play of

10:31

the butterfly king which is the

10:33

same source book that the reporters that did our

10:35

thing like read yeah

10:37

these people took it and made it into a play and

10:40

we're at the fringe festival see

10:42

that keeps happening it's that's what

10:44

I'm saying I'm it's weird to me out but

10:46

it's like but I know creatively it happens a

10:48

lot like that's just a thing

10:50

that happens people have people

10:54

have kind of communal ideas and it's like

10:56

whoever writes it down first basically yeah

10:58

plus these days all people are doing

11:00

is rehashing existing things that we all

11:02

liked yeah so of course those are

11:04

the ideas we're gonna have it just

11:07

brings me back to when I wanted

11:09

to do a Marilyn Monroe biopic starring

11:12

the Scarlett Johansson fam one came

11:14

out Scarlett it said

11:16

no it was someone else but

11:19

I keep having these ideas

11:21

about taking someone else's work and making

11:23

it my idea and other people beat

11:25

me to it everybody loves

11:28

doing that so we already did a lot

11:30

of the work yeah anyway

11:32

I could have been on Broadway could

11:34

have been you when you're

11:37

an outsider you carry

11:39

a knife then you beat

11:41

the social you beat them out of Johnny

11:45

don't go into that barn but

11:48

the kids were burning I gotta

11:50

go in I gotta

11:52

go in

11:56

this I think what

11:58

the world needs now is a second outsider musical.

12:01

One with the energy you just

12:03

brought to it. Yeah, but it's improvised.

12:05

There is no plan. No. You take

12:07

fragments of what you remembered. You

12:10

aren't allowed to see the movie. Dally!

12:12

Ten thousand fifteen years old. Johnny!

12:14

Dally! You have trouble remembering.

12:17

Soda Pop! Not

12:20

the boxer from Mike Tyson's Punch Out. Oh,

12:23

you're excited about the big Tyson fight,

12:25

sorry. Can't wait. Is that the one

12:27

where he's going to fight Jake Paul? Yes.

12:29

That's bad. Jake Paul's going to be very

12:31

severely hurt. Mike Tyson is one

12:34

of the most talented athletes that has ever... I

12:37

think that you're right. And I've

12:39

heard whispers that they're going to

12:42

be wearing headgear and special boxing

12:44

gloves, but... Mike Tyson has knocked

12:46

out everybody. Everybody. He's like 60

12:49

then. And he's been

12:51

like, you know, blungeoned. But

12:53

he's been training to fight Jake

12:55

Paul. Yes, I watch the videos

12:57

with excitement. Me too. You

12:59

do? Well, it's kind of a great

13:01

idea. It's like, oh, this

13:04

man that... Yes. He...

13:07

I had a boyfriend who was super into

13:10

boxing, and he one day

13:12

explained Mike Tyson's life to me. And

13:15

it was like, it's so

13:17

moving. He had nothing. He had no

13:19

family. He was just a big, like,

13:22

bully in... I think it

13:25

was Bev's die in New York

13:27

City. Or

13:29

Brooklyn. Like, really dangerous neighborhood. He

13:31

was the toughest one of all. He would just go

13:33

around and pick people up. And then somebody pulled him

13:36

and was like, you're too talented to just be hurting

13:39

little kids on the street. Come and get

13:41

trained. And then this boxing

13:44

trainer who was famous and beloved

13:46

and, like, well known, took Mike

13:49

Tyson and trained him and got him to the Olympics.

13:51

Oh. And like... I didn't

13:53

know it started with the Olympics. Yeah, I believe.

13:55

And then he basically launched

13:57

his career and then died. thoughts

14:00

when Mike Tyson, all the people that came in and

14:02

surrounded him were the kind of people that were like,

14:05

you know, you should do this or don't

14:07

care about that or whatever and he died.

14:09

People whispering, you should start biting ears off.

14:11

Bite nears and you know, whatever. Yeah,

14:15

wow, yeah, I know he didn't have

14:18

the best life, but... It

14:20

seems like he's doing a lot of

14:22

work making up for... Yes. That?

14:24

That's what's exciting. So, because

14:26

he's done Buddhist stuff and

14:29

he has... I've heard him on podcast, he

14:31

says great shit. But

14:33

then now it's almost like he's like, all right, well,

14:35

I'll... I'll

14:37

dust off the old muscles and beat the shit out

14:39

of a bully now. Yeah.

14:42

My favorite is side by side,

14:44

like here's Mike Tyson at 16.

14:47

And just... Boxing

14:50

with his fists all blurry on his

14:53

speed bag and then it shows Jake

14:55

Paul at 16 doing like a fine

14:57

video. Yeah. Singing

15:00

and dancing. It's just very

15:02

exciting. I don't usually get exciting

15:04

about boxing. Well,

15:06

I don't know if it's paper vous. Oh,

15:10

the French? Paper vous. Service? I'm going

15:12

to watch the side on paper vous.

15:14

Paper vous? And...

15:16

or what? But I will watch it.

15:18

Yeah. Oh, that might be... Do you

15:20

know when it is? I don't. It

15:23

might be fun to have a party. Let's have a

15:25

Mike Tyson punch out party. I mean, is that...

15:28

Is that bad because there's

15:30

a chance Jake Paul could be

15:32

severely, severely disabled? Well,

15:35

he's the one that went to the

15:38

enchanted forest where people go to commit

15:40

suicide and they just started filming bodies.

15:42

Yeah. I mean, he's... or maybe that's

15:44

his brother. It's hard to keep the

15:47

Pauls separate. I think

15:49

it was him. Okay, I think

15:51

so too. I mean, he's kind of like a

15:53

true bad guy. Yeah, he's

15:55

like a movie villain. I know who

15:58

he is and I am so old. Who

16:00

cares? But I know who he is. I don't know his

16:02

work, but I know who he is. But

16:05

I know what I like, and it's not him. Right,

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Terms and conditions apply. We're

19:36

going down one of those nostalgic streets

19:38

that reminds us of our first ever

19:41

recording. Perfect. It

19:45

would probably make sense to describe it but

19:47

would that be fun to hear? Tree,

19:50

tree, driveway, tree. Right. Does

19:53

that bring back memories to you listener? driveway tree,

19:55

pick a fence tree. Oh yeah. Yeah.

19:59

That one driveway. remember

20:01

that see we we bring back

20:03

old memories of audio you once

20:05

heard but yeah that's all I

20:08

did today skated I golfed the

20:10

other day with our friend Jimmy Pardo we

20:12

did a tournament oh very fun who was

20:16

young golfers that were

20:18

very good okay yes you had to

20:20

give it up this was this was

20:23

you know we we are the

20:25

team of leisure golfing and but

20:27

we did well that's

20:29

pretty good that is really good yeah what did

20:32

the young golfers get 17 under sorry 17 under

20:34

and we we sat with the

20:39

Metabank with table and then there is

20:41

an auction and they bid on everything

20:44

thousands of dollars so they were all so

20:46

young and rich oh well

20:49

yeah so yeah golf is a

20:51

rich man's game yeah I

20:54

I forget that it is because I'm

20:56

an LA municipal golf kid where

20:59

you learn that bowling is more

21:01

expensive than golf and that is

21:03

true bowling is insanely yes it

21:06

is way more than golf yeah a lot

21:08

of people are shocked when I say

21:10

that but that's because

21:12

I don't go to country clubs right

21:15

where these rich guys are paying four

21:18

thousand dollars for a weekend in

21:20

an Airbnb in Hawaii very

21:24

loose with their money I they

21:26

just wanted to raise their hand yeah

21:28

where's it's a tax write-off I don't

21:30

think I've been to many auctions but

21:32

man I didn't realize how much I

21:34

naturally just raised my hand no or

21:36

just bring it up when I go

21:38

to grab my water for some reason

21:40

I do like a phalange fanfare and

21:42

you were did you get

21:45

involved no you bought a Picasso

21:47

no Jimmy just kept slapping my

21:49

knuckles there's

21:51

some of those things where it's literally the

21:54

slightest move you make yes you have

21:56

to be very still that's a good building

21:58

yeah Cool

22:00

I like a rounded awning. Oh I

22:04

thought I thought we were there. Oh Get

22:08

it together Oh,

22:10

is there police action up ahead? Oh, let's

22:12

follow him. Let's help solve the crime Let's

22:15

if there are sirens if there

22:17

are flashing lights We will be

22:19

there like a citizen on patrol

22:21

we will oh did you know this? That's

22:24

a Randy's donut the most famous donut place

22:26

that has the gigantic donut near the airport

22:28

Yes, they put one right there. Oh, wow.

22:30

Where's the gigantic donut? Why won't they put

22:33

it up? Let's get one made I Wonder

22:36

if I could go there and say hey, I'll make

22:38

you a big donut Oh

22:40

my god, Chris, and what if this is

22:42

what the guy on the street was talking about? He

22:44

he did really make it

22:46

seem like I would dip

22:48

back into art Since

22:51

he said since local shows aren't

22:53

booking you I'm like, I mean

22:55

You Know

22:58

here's my new money-making scheme get

23:00

rich quick. I've been making

23:02

lamps out

23:05

of old skateboards or

23:07

new skateboards rather and painting them

23:09

Are you I'm I

23:11

have to show you just so you can react

23:14

and people will know how cool it is. Okay.

23:16

Here's my reaction. Oh Okay,

23:19

it's about to light up I

23:22

think oh Okay, just

23:24

to describe listener. It's a bear with

23:26

a gun like oh, that was just

23:28

a board that I had there with a rifle No,

23:30

it's I painted it all white. I love it. Oh

23:33

and But it

23:35

lights out. Ah There

23:37

are light bulbs that are flat on

23:40

the ends and it looks like skateboard

23:42

wheels Yeah, then don't hang over that

23:44

bear the no I didn't I painted

23:46

around it All this art on it,

23:48

but I'm gonna have some

23:51

realistic skate trucks 3d

23:53

printed With that socket

23:55

as the axle and

23:58

I have a guy that's gonna help me

24:00

do that, one of my age-appropriate

24:03

skate friends, and I'm

24:05

gonna... so then all

24:07

I have to do is paint some boards,

24:10

add some art to it, assemble them,

24:14

and sell them. Yeah, I... okay,

24:16

and then market them to

24:18

boy moms of like 15 year old

24:21

age. You can... here's a gift for

24:23

your son where you can put something cool in his room.

24:25

Yeah. But he'll like, and then

24:27

we'll be light on that wall. It's funny

24:29

though, I go to like rich people's homes,

24:31

you know this. I go in, I get...

24:34

A fan? A field credit card. Oh. Uh,

24:37

no, I just... any time I'm in a

24:40

fancy house, there's like a trip kick of

24:43

three skateboards on the wall, even if it's

24:45

somebody that has no connection

24:47

to skateboarding. Yeah. It's like the new

24:49

wall art, the new street art. It's

24:51

like having a Banksy stencil. It's

24:54

affordable art on skateboarding. And that's what

24:56

my lamps are gonna be affordable. So

24:58

if someone has a skateback that means

25:00

something to them that's been lying around,

25:02

you can't just hang it on your

25:04

wall, you're not a kid anymore. Why

25:06

not turn it into a sleek lamp,

25:09

a sconce lamp, or I can hang

25:12

them, I can hardwire them, I

25:15

can have it just have a switch. I'm

25:17

very excited. It's, you should be, that's

25:19

a very cool looking lamp. Thank you. I

25:21

had to show you the picture because it,

25:23

I was very happy with how it came

25:26

out. And that's what I'm gonna

25:28

do, I'm gonna be a lamp man. I

25:30

mean, I feel like over

25:32

the years of this podcast, what you've

25:34

proven to our audience is that versatility

25:38

is the number one definition

25:40

of Chris Starbanks. I'm also gonna

25:42

start cage fighting. Okay,

25:45

I'm in an effort to be

25:47

versatile. Just think of

25:49

opposites. Yeah. What

25:52

are you doing now? What am I

25:54

good at? Let me do the opposite.

25:56

I'm gonna go all in with something

25:58

I have no skill in. Oh,

26:00

what's this guy doing? The

26:04

the episode with Tig just aired

26:06

and people were very worried a

26:08

lot of well wishes after the

26:10

fact From the scary

26:12

man that had his knees on

26:14

your bumper. Oh my god apparently

26:16

the the trauma and the Excitement

26:19

dare. I call it has

26:21

carried over to audio and

26:24

people are very invested Well, it's the

26:26

kind of street chaos that they come

26:28

to listen to. Yeah And

26:30

that's very real these days until we get services

26:33

for people who need them social

26:35

services Make billionaires

26:37

pay their goddamn taxes. Yes. I did

26:40

get a lot of messages I used

26:43

to work with people that had

26:45

mental issues all the other things So I

26:47

think it was very good that I didn't

26:49

get out and handle it myself. Thank you

26:51

for stopping Of course, because you know, I

26:53

could have I know you know, you know

26:55

That's just why I wanted to get into

26:58

this cage fighting and well I mean

27:00

it does speak to your flexibility because

27:02

you're like, hey right now I'm hosting

27:04

a podcast I'll go out the street

27:06

fight if that is what's gonna

27:08

make the traffic keep moving Especially if it

27:10

gets in the way of the podcast. Yeah, you're

27:12

defending this Juggernaut

27:15

I'm gonna say very Shaky

27:19

project. Yes. Yes that could fall could

27:22

fall apart at any second Yes, and

27:24

and I think if it was going

27:26

to it would have already it's been

27:28

ten years now Nothing bad's gonna happen.

27:31

Is it our ten year anniversary? No,

27:34

but I think we passed it. Oh Yeah,

27:38

we should add an episode where the car

27:40

was dangerously filled with balloons, but Just

27:44

know thinking you should have bought me something

27:46

kind of fancy. Oh, right

27:48

like balloons. I I

27:52

Yeah, it's I think that I'm

27:55

not sure though. I am not

27:57

sure I need to go down the list and find out

27:59

when we started Who wants to scroll that

28:01

far? Not me. I don't. I do

28:03

believe we started in 2014 though. Yeah.

28:07

It only makes sense. I feel like there's

28:09

a dinosaur out there. Who

28:12

knows when we started? I bet you. Oh

28:15

man, do we have to

28:17

start making podcast candies? Dinosaurs?

28:20

Gummies? These are more sour

28:22

than warheads. Yeah. They

28:24

will actually send you to the hospital. And

28:26

they are all dinosaurs. I'm always thinking of

28:28

business. Be it musicals. Art

28:30

lamps. Sculpture. Candies. Honey.

28:34

Yes. Hatchets. Thank you. I

28:37

should have hadchards. Sharpened hatchets for

28:39

men or men. Sharpened hatchets. Walked

28:41

cats. Skateboard.

28:44

I can't stress enough how much this man yells

28:47

at those cats. And they are so... Used

28:52

to it. Yes. I don't think it's right.

28:55

That's the one thing I like about cats. No, it

28:57

sounds pretty wrong. You yell at them. They are like,

28:59

yeah, whatever. And they go do their

29:01

own thing. And say, why don't you fuck off for

29:03

two weeks. I'll be in the bushes. I'm going to

29:06

come back with cut up ears. I have another family.

29:08

I don't even need you. But they are on

29:10

leashes so they can't get back to their

29:12

original family. Yeah. Yeah. I

29:14

noticed when Tig and I first

29:17

were feeding Sidney, the

29:19

cat that was on my porch, we thought he was

29:21

so destitute. But

29:24

I think by the time he

29:26

was coming into my house, I realized he had

29:28

a weight problem. So that was a cat that

29:30

was just doing the brand. Just

29:33

eating anywhere and everywhere they

29:35

could. Yep. Yep. Because cats always act

29:37

like they've never been fed and they're dying

29:40

no matter the size. Yeah. I

29:42

find. This podcast

29:44

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That's squarespace.com/D-Y-N-A-R. Thank

31:14

you. Doo

31:17

doo doo doo doo doo doo. What

31:20

is that? We're following a... We're

31:22

following a scent. That's

31:24

a smell. It's

31:27

fresh pie. What if it's just

31:29

fruit flavors and it brings us to a giant

31:31

toucan? A

31:34

lot of my references are from 80s cereal

31:37

commercials and they're lost on everyone. I

31:39

mean, it was such a

31:41

time. It's all we all

31:43

watched. It really played

31:45

perfectly on the playground because everybody got it.

31:48

Yep. Yep. Yeah.

31:51

I have to say this. Do you

31:53

ever have the cereal? It's made

31:55

by Post, which I'm hoping is not

31:58

also owned by... Okay,

32:00

which way everybody was boycotting. Is the boycott

32:02

over? Probably not. I think we should keep

32:05

punishing. I mean, it's

32:07

the grocers that are setting the prices. I don't

32:09

know who's setting those prices. Anyway. Yes.

32:11

I forgot about the serial controversy

32:13

and what it entailed. Yeah. Well, I,

32:16

because of the serial controversy, I

32:18

just tried to play it safe and

32:20

I bought post. Honey

32:22

Bunch is a vote. You ever

32:24

have that serial? Yeah. That's why they call them the

32:26

best of the Bunch. That

32:29

used to be the song. I was

32:31

raised by television. Okay. Honey Bunch is

32:33

a vote. That's why they call them

32:35

the best of the Bunch. I'm

32:39

afraid. Go ahead.

32:41

Name another product. I will sing the

32:43

jingle. Grape

32:45

nuts. Grape nuts.

32:47

They are going to be raisins

32:49

one day. Botesticals.

32:53

They're just the nuts of a raisin. I

32:57

mean it. I don't think

32:59

grape nuts. Grape nuts was like a

33:02

button down. You know, you wear a

33:05

sweater casually around your shoulders. And grape

33:07

nuts were like for yuppies. Grape

33:10

nuts is if you graduated from

33:12

the sister schools and then you

33:15

wanted a serial. Yes. But the only

33:18

thing I was just going to point out that I bought, because

33:21

it's made by post, I bought Honey Bunch as

33:23

a vote and had a bowl today

33:25

for lunch. Because I was like, wait, what's

33:28

happening? Oh, I'm really hungry. I'm just going to

33:30

eat some cereal, which is a great solution. Yes.

33:33

Yes. For one person.

33:35

Yes. Not entire family. Anyway, it

33:39

was so good. Have you had that cereal

33:41

lately? Yes. It's really good. It

33:43

is one of my go-tos. I should

33:45

have said that right away. That's what I was looking

33:47

for in you. Instead of saying that to me. Yeah,

33:49

I started looking out the window. I saw a butterfly.

33:53

And I just started. My mind started

33:55

racing. And should I have been a

33:57

fireman? There's a fire station. What are you talking about?

34:00

No, Marky Post. She was

34:02

on Night Court. Thanks for your attention

34:05

during the podcast. My

34:08

apologies indeed. The

34:12

top of my beverage smells

34:14

like the person who made it had a

34:17

lot of cologne on. Really?

34:19

Mm-hmm. Here, let me smell

34:21

your coffee. Smells

34:23

like coffee to me. Well, you don't

34:25

have the incredible sensory setup

34:27

that I do. Also, I did the opposite

34:30

of yes-ending. You know, I really noboded your

34:32

perfume coffee idea. I know. I'm

34:34

sorry. We have to take that class again.

34:36

We've gotta get mixed nuts back together. Slightly.

34:42

Oh, Karen Anderson used, there was an

34:44

improv group called, oh no, they

34:46

were like a comedy duo, but they were doing

34:49

sketches called Slightly, a Skew, and then they both

34:51

bent away from each other. Oh, no. Oh,

34:53

should I miss the turn? God damn it.

34:56

It's okay. We can do it up here. There's

35:00

a lot of stop and no and... I

35:05

like how I look also, as if

35:07

I have a steering wheel. Well, you

35:10

could have helped in case somebody went, oh no,

35:12

that dog is in the pet hospital. And

35:16

the girl is wearing the cone. It

35:19

is to stop licking her crotch. And

35:23

you know teenagers. Wait, did I do it

35:25

again? What am I doing? Oh,

35:28

no, look at that shape. It's a hard,

35:30

this is a difficult podcast. I hate

35:32

when once the guest gets in the

35:35

car, we just flood them

35:37

with apologies. I know. But we're gonna

35:39

have to do it again. Shit, Irene.

35:41

Don't be mad. Please don't yell at us.

35:44

Please. Okay,

35:47

here we go. We're gonna go right back around. Okay,

35:51

what direction am I? Yeah, is it right?

35:53

And then... Okay,

35:55

yeah. I mean, I know how to follow

35:58

GPS. I

36:00

mean, it's the multitasking. It's very hard. Of

36:02

course you wouldn't have missed the turn if

36:05

we weren't recording a hit show.

36:07

A hit show and that Golden Retriever go

36:10

into the pet hospital. I was like, oh

36:12

no. Yeah, that threw us off. I was

36:14

in their business. Yeah. I bought my golf

36:16

clubs at Roger Dunn and

36:18

the guy, I had

36:21

them picked out. I knew what I wanted.

36:23

I was standing there. They wouldn't wait on

36:25

me. And I

36:29

asked the guy, I was

36:31

like, hey, because my clubs are

36:33

all the same length. They're all seven iron lengths.

36:35

That's my favorite club to hit. And I heard

36:37

about them. I went to get them and I

36:39

said, what do you know? What is your opinion

36:41

on these seven iron length

36:44

clubs? And he's like, my

36:46

opinion. And I was like, oh,

36:48

okay. We have an angry guy. And then and

36:52

then I said, well, are they he said,

36:54

they're all seven lines. And

36:57

then he walked away and then I said,

37:00

excuse me, do you have

37:02

Wi-Fi here? I

37:04

just was going to go online and

37:06

buy clubs somewhere else. And he avoided.

37:08

He changed his tone. Yeah, I bet

37:10

he did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey,

37:13

you know,

37:17

today's gas from clubs and colleges across

37:19

the country. Put your ears together for

37:21

Irene to. Yeah.

37:24

How are you, friend? Good. How are

37:26

you? Hi, Irene. Thank you.

37:28

I really wish I could get rid of it,

37:31

but I don't think you can sell these anymore.

37:33

Oh, I think now I have to drive

37:35

it into the ground. Yeah, they

37:37

they aren't selling them anymore. People

37:39

aren't wanting them for political

37:41

reasons. You just all so ugly

37:43

at this point. I bet you could sell it.

37:46

Think so. Yes, but you could lose money on

37:48

it. Yeah, I could. Yeah, I bet I could.

37:50

I was going to lowball you myself. Irene,

37:54

how are you? My friend. I'm great. How

37:56

are you? I am doing terrific. We

37:59

are so sorry. that we're

38:01

late. Oh it's okay. We're really

38:03

late. It's like traffic today. I

38:05

almost wanted to look at the

38:07

news and see if there was

38:10

a giant zombie gas leak or

38:12

something because the it's

38:14

ridiculous. Traffic. Traffic's bad

38:17

all day. I thought it would end in my

38:20

neighborhood because the damn Dodgers who

38:22

go Dodgers I hope you

38:24

win but every

38:27

time they play my neighborhood is

38:29

just gridlock. Is it baseball season

38:31

again? It's always baseball season. I

38:33

think right now they're in the

38:36

middle of a 10 days straight

38:38

plank. They play so much. I

38:41

don't understand how you can play a sport

38:43

that much. Well if it's spring training or

38:45

like the beginning they have to get all

38:47

warmed up. Could that be it? I

38:49

think I think you're actually very close

38:52

to the truth. It

38:54

is spring. Yeah and I

38:56

feel like they're training. Yes. So

38:59

I think I'm on the truth. Oh the

39:01

world that's yours sir. It

39:04

was a lady. Yeah

39:08

I got really close really close but spring

39:11

training. Oh my god that's like I was not wearing

39:13

pants or lady. Still

39:15

looks like. I think it's a guy.

39:19

I just I think it's one of

39:21

those situations where it just said mid-fie

39:24

to waste baggy

39:27

skin. That it's

39:29

a terrible affliction. They have cargo lower

39:31

body. Oh that sucks.

39:35

Irene and I are such

39:37

sports heads that we both

39:40

because of our friend and friend of

39:42

the show Lauren Kim and we were

39:45

invited to a 49ers game.

39:49

And I did not know Irene was going

39:51

to be there. I didn't know Chris was going to

39:53

be there. And so it was a

39:55

nice surprise we sat next to

39:57

those nice Sacramento sharks. handsome

40:00

boys that play hockey and had missing

40:02

teeth straight out of a movie. I

40:05

didn't even remember that. Yeah, they... Irene!

40:08

Well, you... Well, I didn't... You

40:10

remember the TikTok people? We

40:13

were also with those TikTok people. Oh,

40:15

yeah, there was people like doing selfies

40:17

and yelling. Were they TikTok famous? Yes.

40:20

Yes. Yeah, they're like a TikTok

40:22

family and that's why they got invited.

40:24

Oh. Because remember I went to pull

40:26

the foghorn. Yes, Irene had a job

40:28

that day. How did it

40:30

go there? Tell us about... Yeah, tell us about your... That was

40:32

what you were doing at this point. They invited

40:34

me to the game to pull the

40:37

foghorn, which is like a tradition that

40:39

they do. And I guess they do it twice, so

40:41

then this TikTok family pulled

40:43

it the other time they do it

40:46

during the game. Yeah, yeah. A

40:48

TikTok... Barbecue famous

40:50

TikTokers, as I recall. Something

40:53

about cooking meat. No, the barbecue was separate.

40:55

That was another guy. Oh, we were surrounded

40:58

by TikTok. Yeah. TikTok famous. We're

41:00

surrounded by people that were famous and

41:02

yet you're also like, what's their name again?

41:04

Yeah. Because famous doesn't mean

41:07

the same thing anymore. Exactly. They're like, oh,

41:09

I saw you in a video doing some

41:11

dance, right? Yeah. So

41:15

you had the job and it

41:17

was sort of like you had to mimic

41:20

like you had control over the

41:22

foghorn, right? Well, yeah, that I

41:24

messed up. Well, you can't really tell

41:26

because they sent me the video. Like I

41:29

know I messed up because you pull

41:31

it, but they have another device

41:34

that actually controls the foghorn sound.

41:36

Yes. And then I was supposed

41:39

to pull it when they like flashed the

41:41

cue card, like pull it now. Yeah. But

41:43

because there were like these hype

41:47

men dancers that like walked across in front

41:49

of me, I got distracted and I didn't

41:51

see the cue cards. So then I pulled

41:53

it late. So then I heard it go off

41:55

and I'm like, oh no, I'm supposed to pull it. So

41:57

then I went to like pull it. I recall. loud

42:00

foghorn noise and you were like,

42:02

raise the roof everybody! I was

42:04

like, you don't like hype up the crowd so

42:07

I was still like trying to hype up the crowd and

42:09

then the foghorn sounded like, oh no I gotta pull it.

42:12

But if you watch the video, it's I

42:14

think seamless enough for you, you only know

42:17

I messed up if you know this fact.

42:19

Yeah, or if you saw it live like me.

42:21

Yeah. Oh no. Oh

42:23

no. I have one job and

42:25

I messed it up. A hurtful thing fly out

42:28

of my mouth. I like that you have

42:30

tiktokers to blame it on though. Yeah. That's

42:32

nice. No, these were different people that walked

42:34

by. It's like part of the crew

42:37

that dances and holds a sign. But they

42:39

probably got the job through TikTok also. Yeah,

42:41

that's probably true. Or at least they're on

42:43

it. Yeah, that was

42:45

so great. Nothing stresses

42:48

me out. I think it's why I don't

42:50

like MCing.

42:54

If someone says, oh you gotta hype up

42:56

the crowd. I am not a hype man.

42:59

I wouldn't say I'm normally a hype

43:01

man. I really, it took all

43:04

of me to

43:06

do that job. I'm

43:09

an introvert and I was like, let me

43:11

just exude

43:13

extraversion. Yeah. So

43:16

when I asked you to do it, were you excited? I

43:19

mean, I thought it was cool. I was like,

43:21

oh I get to go to the game and

43:23

you got to sit in the box and

43:25

do this, you know, pull the thing.

43:27

I thought that was a cool thing. Yeah.

43:31

So I really mentally prepared. Yes.

43:34

Yeah. You got into character. I get

43:36

to see, you did. I'm not trying to act more. So this

43:38

was a study. Yeah,

43:41

you did the. I did the

43:43

whoop whoop. I yelled. Yeah. Yep.

43:47

I saw you pumping your fist in

43:49

a circular motion. You did that. Yeah.

43:52

And if you were near where I was actually doing

43:54

it, I was screaming. I

43:57

fully went all out. immediately

44:00

after I went back to, okay, I'm being

44:02

quiet again. You immediately went home and went

44:04

to sleep. No, I went back to the

44:06

box and I ate food. Yeah, nice. Yeah.

44:09

And while you were doing that, I was playing

44:12

with the mascot. Do

44:14

you remember the mascot's name? Oh, yes, it's

44:16

Sourdough Sam. Sourdough Sam. Yeah, and he

44:18

had the belt, right? Yeah. Like,

44:21

because... Oh, because Bayley

44:23

was there from, I

44:26

guess, WWE, which I don't watch

44:28

any wrestling, but I guess she's

44:30

like famous, famous. Oh, okay. And

44:32

she was a huge 49er fan and she

44:34

was there. Oh, wow. She had, like, they

44:36

took a picture with the championship, like, belt.

44:40

Yes, I remember the belt. Yes. You

44:43

know, mimics a belt. It was just a braided dad

44:45

belt. Just

44:48

holding a vest. The

44:50

funniest thing, though, I never,

44:52

you know, I remember getting

44:54

excited at Disneyland, telling kind

44:56

of that there was just

44:59

a stranger inside a plush

45:01

suit. But I

45:03

still, Sourdough Sam got me

45:05

so excited. He was cool.

45:07

He put his hat on my

45:09

head. He, like, hugged me. We were taking pictures.

45:12

I felt like a little... He looked

45:14

like dances in this funny way. Yeah.

45:17

Cool. Yeah, I took a picture with him

45:19

on the field that I was very excited. Sourdough

45:21

Sam is my favorite next to Bredy Stinelis. One

45:24

of my favorite

45:26

Bred-based mascots. Yeah, it's

45:28

really good. I like

45:30

the picture that when you guys ran into

45:32

each other, you both screamed like S or Eredi girls.

45:35

Like, you're just like, wah! Like,

45:37

because it's game energy. It

45:39

was quite the opposite. We silently

45:42

just smiled. How

45:45

is it possible that you're also here?

45:47

I know. I was shocked. I

45:49

was like, what? Neither of us are in our accounts.

45:52

Although you are a Bay Area-based person,

45:54

right? Well, I live here now, as

45:57

you know. Yes, I do. Yes. my

46:00

family's in the bay now and I was like

46:02

in the bay for a long time. Yeah. So

46:04

I try to go back when I can. And

46:06

that's where you started stand-up then? Um,

46:08

it's technically not where I started, but I would

46:11

consider myself a bay comic. I like technically started

46:13

in Chicago and then I moved away kind of

46:15

soon after. Yeah, everyone spends a little bit of

46:17

time in Chicago. Yeah.

46:21

It seems. Well, I'm from there too and I

46:23

was like, I need to leave. I've

46:27

been here too long. Yeah. Yeah.

46:29

Yeah. Most comics I know, all

46:31

the guys I golf with, they

46:35

all have some Chicago history

46:38

of some kind. Oh, sure. I

46:40

always wanted to go there. And

46:43

I have, but I do

46:45

my show and I leave. I don't see the

46:47

city. Oh, yeah. I

46:49

mean, you can only, you should only go

46:51

in the summer. The rest

46:53

of the year, there's no reason to

46:55

be in the summer. Yes, I did

46:57

when I did my Paul Ryan shows,

47:00

my fake pon halls where I

47:02

very horrifyingly had to

47:05

debate real candidates. Oh, God.

47:07

Running for Paul Ryan's seat.

47:12

Randy Iron, Stash Bryce, and this other

47:14

sweet woman that was a teacher that

47:16

should have won. I

47:18

got involved. I was like, was following

47:21

their politics because I was trying to

47:23

write material and be prepared to, luckily,

47:26

it was okay for me to be the dumb guy. But

47:29

it was raining. There's

47:33

that it's surrounded by water, Chicago,

47:35

and then it was raining sideways

47:37

shards of ice. Oh,

47:40

yeah. Just in your face. It

47:42

was the kind of thing where the weather was

47:45

so severe. I just went outside and laughed. Yeah.

47:47

It was painful. But

47:49

yeah, I've been there in the

47:52

summertime and drove through and kind

47:54

of looked and like, oh, I think

47:56

that's from Blues Brothers. You

48:00

saw Wrigley Field. I, no, I

48:02

did, I went to the hot dog place where

48:04

they scream at you. Oh, okay. I've

48:06

actually never been to that place. Yeah,

48:08

they are mean. They

48:11

say, what do you want, asshole? Yes. And

48:14

I had a look on my face like,

48:17

oh, I don't, I did that at Dick's

48:19

Burgers too, or Dick's, whatever, in

48:21

Texas for their mean do and throw

48:23

napkins in your face. I just don't

48:25

want to play that game. And

48:28

they can, if you have a look on your

48:31

face like, nah, I just came to have the

48:33

hot dog, they will pull back. Oh,

48:35

that's good. Just a

48:37

tip for anyone visiting the wiener circle. If

48:40

you don't want to be bullied, you just

48:42

look like you don't want to be bullied.

48:44

Yes, exactly. They will read your

48:46

face. I feel like I never ever

48:49

want that in any scenario. I

48:51

don't, I'm so, I don't understand

48:53

people who like getting roasted. Yeah.

48:56

I don't understand people like getting yelled at,

48:58

or any of that. I mean, if it

49:00

was like, drag window, and a drag team

49:02

was like, girl, you, this, that would make

49:04

me laugh really hard. Yes. But I

49:08

don't trust the average

49:10

person to be insulting to

49:12

me. Exactly. I would be scared. Yeah.

49:16

I wonder what kind

49:18

of person does like that. It's

49:21

either someone that has experienced no trauma

49:23

or was riddled with it. Yeah. And

49:25

it reminds them of their jags. Exactly.

49:27

So, oh, Christmas time. Oh, yeah. Well,

49:31

I feel like that is the Midwest. No,

49:34

really. Is a lot of suppressed

49:36

trauma. Yeah.

49:39

So, that's probably why they like that. Just

49:41

months and months of winter where there

49:44

are no memories. Well, it's

49:46

like that plus Catholicism. Right. Yeah, that'll

49:48

do it. Yeah,

49:50

they're frustrated. The best clip anyone

49:53

can watch from the Conan show

49:55

is where Triumph, the insult comic

49:57

dog and Jack. the

50:00

page from 30 Rock are

50:03

in that winner circle line. And

50:06

Tramp says the meanest things,

50:09

I don't know how he gets away with it

50:11

because. It's a puppet. But he's

50:13

clearly standing there with his hand in the

50:15

puppet. Like. Right, yeah, yeah. And I don't

50:18

know if they tell people, don't look at Robert

50:20

Smigel. I'm sure

50:22

they say his full name. Yeah. Just look

50:24

at the puppet. But only

50:27

on camera does it work as, hey, this

50:29

is a puppet just yelling at you. Yeah.

50:31

But we all can watch Eminem,

50:34

whatever, wanting to fight actual, the

50:36

guy who was controlling the puppet.

50:39

Cause Eminem, you don't mess with

50:41

Eminem. He's a hothead. Well,

50:43

also it's like, I wonder, I

50:48

think we all know that like any funny

50:50

joke about ourselves has a grain of truth

50:52

that that's that funny. So then

50:54

if someone's actually like saying the worst thing, but then

50:56

it's kind of funny, then you're like, oh, but also

50:58

now I have to face this hideous fact

51:00

about myself. Yeah. Right.

51:02

Yeah. So I like Eminem, don't

51:04

want to do that. Yeah. I

51:06

know. Certainly not publicly. You

51:08

know, lyrically I see Idai with him

51:11

on so many times. I

51:14

just realized my palms

51:16

also get sweaty. Irene,

51:20

do you have plans for the summer?

51:22

Anything you're excited about when the weather changes?

51:24

Okay. So I was just in Nevada city

51:27

and I did a show up there and

51:29

it, have you ever been, it's

51:32

like a film set of a city.

51:34

It's like not real. How is it?

51:36

It's like very historic. So

51:39

they like left all the buildings from back

51:41

in the day. From like bull 90

51:43

times? Yes, exactly. Oh, so,

51:46

and it's very tiny and

51:49

it's adorable. And I

51:51

was up there and I was like, oh, this is so cute.

51:53

And then one of my friends is up there and

51:55

I guess, long story short, I'm

51:58

going to go blackberry picking. I'm

52:01

like, that seems like a fun thing to

52:03

do that has nothing to

52:06

do with comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Although

52:08

it sounded like you said black bear picking. So you're not

52:10

going to do that. Blackberry. Great.

52:14

Yeah. Just to clarify. Yeah. When

52:17

I said it was an old town, there's

52:19

also old bears that I'm going to pick

52:21

a fight with. Yes. You'd

52:23

confident that they'd come out of hibernation.

52:25

No teeth, but they do have talent. Yeah.

52:29

They bully you and then you get a hot dog. So

52:33

this because I've never wanted to do they give

52:35

you a basket and they just let you cut

52:38

loose in a blackberry. I think

52:40

if you pay probably

52:43

I've never gone berry picking, but I will

52:45

say it out of all the fruits. I

52:47

love berries the best, but my friend was

52:49

saying they just kind of grow everywhere. There's

52:51

like a river and they're just growing on

52:53

bushes. So she was like, you

52:55

can just pick up. I'm going to bring my own

52:58

basket. You're doing it. It's like

53:00

it's not a farm. No. Free

53:03

wheeling. Yeah. Free styling.

53:05

Yeah. Blackberry picking. I mean, as

53:07

long as you're not, I think on someone else's property. Yeah.

53:10

So I would probably go to like my friend's property

53:13

or she would be like, this is free for all.

53:15

I like this idea that you it's

53:18

like a summer plan based around. Food.

53:21

Yes. And

53:24

what is essentially an errand? Like

53:26

I said, go get myself some

53:29

berries naturally. That's so funny.

53:31

And that is on brand

53:33

for me. I will say. It's

53:35

great. And like, I need to take

53:37

it a step further than the farmer's

53:39

market. Yeah. Yeah. I

53:41

need to go to the source and do it myself. Yeah.

53:44

And that's this kind of summer you're

53:46

going to plan to have. Yeah. And

53:49

I also want to like learn how to fish. So

53:52

I was going to do that up there as well. Yeah. It

53:54

seems like berry picking is a lot

53:57

like bird watching where it's more about

53:59

the experience. and the hiking and being outside,

54:01

you might as well do something else while

54:03

you're at it. Yes, exactly.

54:05

Yeah, that sounds nice. Yeah, that's great.

54:08

And Nevada City, is it like

54:10

a Wild West town?

54:13

Do they have a reenactment where a guy

54:15

falls off a balcony? I don't know

54:17

if they do. I mean, it's just that all

54:19

the buildings are old. Okay. And

54:22

then, I don't know

54:24

if this is on purpose, but they sell old

54:27

timey stuff. I guess it is on purpose. I

54:29

think in the summer, I feel like it's a

54:31

tourist town. Sure. So you go up

54:33

there, there's a hat store. It's literally called The Hat

54:36

Store. And they always

54:38

sell hats. Yes. And people go in

54:40

and buy old timey hats. Did you get an

54:42

old timey hat? No, it was too expensive. Yeah,

54:44

yeah. Those are the kind of hats

54:47

where it's shaped to your head and they measure you.

54:50

I don't think those measurements happen. I tried on some

54:52

of the hats, but I was like $100 for

54:55

me to look like I throw

54:58

newspapers at your door and

55:00

I'll take you. Yes, yes. If they had

55:02

a sale after you were picking blackberries, what

55:04

hat would you pick? Yes. What

55:06

would I pick for the hat? Yes. Yeah.

55:10

Other than 1920s paper boy. I

55:12

think it would be 1920s paper boy. Well,

55:15

you're- And I also tried on the, they had like

55:18

different kind of like top hats. Oh. And

55:20

I never really tried those on before and they were all uncomfortable.

55:22

Yeah. Oh, on the head? Yeah,

55:25

very heavy or like just thick.

55:29

Yeah. Just not comfortable. It's

55:31

a dangerous position to be in

55:33

because I've been in these hat

55:35

stores also and I all of

55:37

a sudden think I want a

55:39

brown, wide brimmed like Indiana Jones

55:42

Coachella hat. Sure. And

55:44

I will, my two fedoras

55:46

at home that have never seen the

55:48

light of day. No, it's a good

55:50

day. Yeah, they never should. But

55:52

they look nice up on a thing.

55:54

Like, oh, I like that hat. Yeah.

55:58

If I was in a production of- You

56:00

know, Glenn

56:03

Ross. 12

56:06

Angry Men. Glenn

56:09

Ross. It's the

56:12

sequel. I

56:15

do like old archival footage

56:18

of, you know, a time

56:20

where everyone wore hats. I

56:22

don't want to go into that world and talk politics

56:25

or anything, but I do. I like

56:27

that there was a time where everyone went out

56:30

and wore hats. Well, I like,

56:32

too, that Nevada City, it's basically

56:35

like, hey, you're here. It's really

56:37

old. We'd love for

56:39

you to relax and try to, in some

56:41

ways, act like how it used to be,

56:43

because that's part of the fun and relaxation.

56:47

And then you're going to get this

56:49

idea that this would work for you, because

56:51

you're in this vacation mode and you're doing

56:53

kind of like outdoor stuff. Why not

56:55

come drop $250 on the steps in? And

56:59

that was the one time you would do it,

57:01

right? They're getting you at the perfect moment.

57:03

Yeah. Totally. Just

57:06

like when I got off that cruise ship with

57:08

a perplexed look and cornrows. I

57:12

just... You did not. I

57:14

was a kid and yes. Do

57:17

whatever you want to my hair. And

57:20

then I just looked

57:23

like I was

57:25

an extra in M&M's 8-mile. Just

57:31

a Michigan freestyle

57:34

rapper. But

57:37

I had a little in

57:39

back, so there's some danglers. Like

57:41

a freestyle rapping Frisbee golfer. I

57:46

will get influenced by those situations,

57:49

because you're in the moment. Yeah, and you're having

57:51

a good time. Like it's like, oh, I want this

57:53

to last forever. I'm going to become

57:55

a hat guy. And then it's like, you actually won't.

57:58

Yeah, no. would say

58:00

there were several people that look like, oh

58:02

these are hot guys that just live in

58:04

this town and wear this hat.

58:06

Like they've really stuck with it. They

58:09

moved there to get away from everybody else and to be

58:11

around more hat guys. Yeah, yeah. What's it

58:13

like cowboy hat guys? It

58:15

was all sorts of hats. It

58:18

was less folk and I feel

58:20

like cowboy hat is like big. They

58:22

were smaller hats. Wow, why

58:25

am I getting excited about this town

58:27

of hats? I mean, I think

58:30

you're itching because of the fedoras. Right.

58:32

Yeah. If you go up there, you should

58:34

bring your fedora and wear it. Maybe

58:37

I don't want to buy anything. Yeah,

58:39

all the hats that I'm bashful

58:42

about putting on my head, not

58:44

in Nevada City. That's

58:47

nice. That's nice. Last

58:50

year around this time, Karen and I

58:52

had to establish though that we were

58:54

going to, it was going to be our

58:56

hot girl summer. Is that what we were calling it? We

58:59

were going to go to pool parties. We

59:01

were going to say no to any

59:03

parties. We weren't going to say no to

59:05

anything. And I don't, as

59:07

I recall, I didn't really have that summer.

59:10

I didn't go to one pool party. I

59:12

don't remember hosting any. I don't remember going

59:14

to any. Were you just

59:16

not invited? Probably. Yeah. And

59:19

that's really what it boils down to with

59:21

me too. But

59:23

we got it with the summer's a

59:25

coming. I don't care that

59:27

I just got this bug to go snowboarding all

59:29

the time. It's over. And

59:32

we have to come up with something. Is

59:34

there anything Irene that you that you

59:36

really feel like this summer you want

59:38

to take care of in the fun

59:40

department? Aside from, oh, I

59:42

thought the very picket was fun. That

59:44

was your answer. And I was asking

59:46

for another one. Oh, okay. I was

59:49

like, Oh, I guess that's work now.

59:52

He's saying, how are you going to make

59:54

Los Angeles fun? That's the truth. The person,

59:56

how are you going to change who you

59:58

are? Yeah. Yeah, that's

1:00:00

tough. Yeah, it is tough. Well

1:00:03

for a minute I really wanted to learn how to

1:00:05

surf, but I was talking to a

1:00:07

friend of mine who does surf a lot and I

1:00:09

was like, can I surf if I'm

1:00:11

not a great swimmer? And she was like, not

1:00:14

really. Right. So I can't

1:00:16

do that. But you could become a

1:00:18

great swimmer. But I have no

1:00:20

desire to do that. Right. Surfing

1:00:22

is one of the most frustrating. I've gone like 50

1:00:24

times. Oh, it looks so

1:00:27

hard. And I'm still not good

1:00:29

at it. I think I was better at it

1:00:31

the first time I went. It just depends on

1:00:33

the shape of the waves. But

1:00:35

it really is. And it's a joke from my

1:00:37

act, so I shouldn't say it. But it is

1:00:40

like falling off a roof

1:00:42

and then having the house chase you. Because

1:00:46

it is, you don't know how

1:00:48

bad you're going to get churned and tousled

1:00:50

and just beaten

1:00:52

down repeatedly as you're

1:00:55

just trying to get out there. Waves

1:00:58

are crashing on you and it's so

1:01:00

discouraging and you're exhausted. By

1:01:02

the time you're in the position to turn

1:01:04

around and look for a wave coming, you're

1:01:06

already beat up from struggling with

1:01:08

the water. And that is a product of me

1:01:11

not being a good swimmer. But

1:01:13

I started swimming after my hip

1:01:15

surgery and I got these gloves

1:01:18

that are, they have webbing in

1:01:21

between the fingers. And

1:01:23

so when I have surfed

1:01:25

with them, I just keep my fingers

1:01:27

spread and it's like frog legs. It's

1:01:30

just three or four paddles and I'm

1:01:32

going fast enough to catch the wave.

1:01:34

So I don't know that

1:01:36

if you're wearing a wet suit and you have

1:01:39

those on your hands, I don't

1:01:41

think swimming is the issue. I'm just saying that.

1:01:44

If you did want to go

1:01:46

and you're wearing a wet suit, that makes you float.

1:01:48

And then these webbed hands, although people will

1:01:51

make fun of them, I could hear them

1:01:53

snickering. That

1:01:56

will help you paddle. Okay,

1:01:58

but you didn't make it sound appealing. and

1:02:00

they're distributing it whatsoever. He's scared. He's

1:02:02

making it doable for you. He's

1:02:05

just going to get you over the line of

1:02:07

executing it. But I do want to

1:02:09

warn you, I somehow sprained my ankle out in

1:02:11

the water. Really? God. Because

1:02:14

I came down hard on the sand or a

1:02:17

stingray or something. My

1:02:20

cousins, Stevie and

1:02:22

his daughters surf, and they surf where

1:02:24

I'm from, Northern California. Oh,

1:02:27

you're from there too. Yeah, where? They

1:02:30

surf out in Dillon Beach. Which is

1:02:32

near what? Which is near, it's

1:02:34

right parallel to my hometown, Petaluma, which is north.

1:02:36

Oh yeah, yeah, North Bay. Yeah, yeah. And

1:02:39

it's the really freezing cold kind of

1:02:42

super dangerous. And he told me, they've

1:02:44

been out there just like talking and waiting

1:02:46

for a wave, and he's like, and just

1:02:48

a huge shark, can I buy a... Oh

1:02:50

yeah. And he just like didn't say anything

1:02:52

and was like, I think we'll be okay.

1:02:54

Oh my God. Like he just didn't indicate

1:02:56

to his daughters, who were like teenagers.

1:02:58

Right. Yeah, that's something

1:03:00

like the movie Jaws makes you think.

1:03:03

It's a summertime, you know,

1:03:06

environment where sharks thrive. But no, they're

1:03:08

up in the cold water where there's

1:03:10

otters and little guys crush

1:03:12

an abalone shells on their chest. They love

1:03:14

it up there. Yeah, and organs like that

1:03:17

too, there's sharks everywhere. And no one tells

1:03:19

you. Okay, I won't surf, I got it.

1:03:22

Well, that's the thing that you

1:03:24

have to look at the statistics,

1:03:26

like the chances of you getting,

1:03:28

you know, it's, it's, we

1:03:31

have more of a chance of getting in a plane

1:03:33

wreck or something. Just play the numbers. Yes,

1:03:35

it's a number game. It'll be fun. But

1:03:37

yes, of course, the whole time

1:03:39

I'm surfing, I'm thinking about sharks

1:03:42

and how they're below me. And

1:03:45

it's horrifying. But

1:03:47

also, what a way to go out,

1:03:49

right? That's what I said earlier. Karen

1:03:52

wants me to quit talking to this hatchet

1:03:54

wielding cat trainer that lives in a van

1:03:56

at the skate spot. And I think

1:03:59

what a cool way to go. Did you hear about

1:04:01

Chris Fairbanks? He got mauled by a hatchet

1:04:03

man Rather

1:04:05

than you know Something

1:04:08

boring right right epic

1:04:10

to be eaten by great white Yes,

1:04:13

I mean imagine that funeral this

1:04:15

high fives all around. Yeah Everyone's

1:04:18

stoked. Yeah That's

1:04:22

the one thing about the hatchet guy though

1:04:24

at least at my funeral There'd be a bunch

1:04:26

of cats because he'd probably feel bad that

1:04:28

guy He'd feel bad. So

1:04:30

he'd go to your funeral. Yeah Do

1:04:33

you have any cats Irene? Are

1:04:35

you that seems? pointed

1:04:39

You're a cat lady, right? I was like

1:04:42

I'm gay but I I don't like that

1:04:45

You don't I was like

1:04:47

that was randomly brought up. Yeah, but I

1:04:49

don't appreciate that randomly Exactly

1:04:52

Irene. Do you have a license plate frame

1:04:55

with little paws on it? No,

1:04:58

no, I don't have cat I don't like pets

1:05:00

you don't you don't have pets in general. Yeah.

1:05:02

Yeah, you know pets in general Like

1:05:08

most I would have a fish and even

1:05:10

then I don't want it What about

1:05:13

if you found a little dog under your car?

1:05:15

No. Oh, it's a shedding

1:05:18

Right. So that's why it would have to be

1:05:20

an animal in that Container

1:05:22

of some sort sure something

1:05:25

slick yeah, yeah, and

1:05:27

I'm thinking yeah, I'm thinking a lot of water something

1:05:29

in Some Nemo's,

1:05:31

you know some fish or maybe

1:05:33

a shark That's so

1:05:36

large In my

1:05:38

apartment. I have a whole shirt You

1:05:41

get one of those like rapper aquariums. That's like

1:05:43

as big as the room. I My

1:05:46

uncle I think the only gift he ever

1:05:48

gave me was something called grow a frog

1:05:51

What and they send in

1:05:53

an envelope? I'm not kidding lined

1:05:55

with plastic. It is a tadpole

1:05:59

You then order a tiny like six

1:06:01

by six tiny aquarium

1:06:04

and it says this turns into

1:06:06

a frog and grows to the

1:06:08

size of a quarter exclamation point.

1:06:11

So I took this little tadpole. The first one

1:06:13

by the way was dead. It was just a

1:06:16

dead tadpole. So they sent me a new one

1:06:18

and I put it in a giant full-sized

1:06:20

aquarium. This thing lived seven

1:06:23

years and grew to the size

1:06:25

almost of my little hand. Wow.

1:06:29

And it would come up to, it

1:06:31

was underwater like it was a,

1:06:33

I looked it up recently,

1:06:36

it's outlawed in America. This

1:06:38

African claw frog had black

1:06:40

claws. I don't know if it's

1:06:42

because it's endangered or what. So

1:06:45

it was underwater. It was like, I don't

1:06:47

know what that means. Amphibious? I

1:06:49

don't know. You know what underwater

1:06:51

means. Yes. It was a, it

1:06:53

was one of these swimming frogs. But

1:06:55

it was, it did provide that. I

1:06:57

painted a little background that looked like the

1:07:00

sea for the back of the aquarium. And

1:07:03

I feed him these little worms and he'd come

1:07:05

to the surface and I'd pet him and he'd

1:07:07

just kind of hang out on the top of

1:07:09

the water. And I'd pet his

1:07:11

head and he'd like bloke. So it

1:07:13

would show affection. It did.

1:07:16

In the blinking? Yes. I

1:07:18

can tell it was like happy blinks, not please, please

1:07:20

stop blinks. I know how to

1:07:22

read a frog. True. I know how to

1:07:24

read a turtle. It's all in the eyes. And

1:07:28

I, I really did care about

1:07:30

this frog quite a bit. What

1:07:34

was his name? I

1:07:36

was young. So I named him

1:07:38

the spudly frog. I

1:07:41

don't know why I like the

1:07:43

word studly. So

1:07:45

his name was studly, which actually

1:07:48

now is a good name. It's a

1:07:50

pretty good name. It's studly. It's like.

1:07:52

For a frog? Yeah. Pretty

1:07:54

good. What? Studly,

1:07:58

please. Start the car. But

1:08:03

yeah, there was a mishap with

1:08:05

the aquarium heater and he boiled.

1:08:07

Oh no. That's sad. I

1:08:10

know all my stories end that way. But

1:08:13

do know, there's a famous saying, you know,

1:08:15

a frog, if you throw it in boiling

1:08:18

water, it'll jump out. But if you slowly

1:08:20

boil a frog, this is the old sailing,

1:08:22

the old thing. That

1:08:25

it just swims around not knowing. And

1:08:28

that's something about being cold

1:08:30

blooded, I think. So I don't think

1:08:32

he's suffered. Yeah.

1:08:34

Sure. Sure.

1:08:38

And then that's... I learned that from my reading.

1:08:40

She had my frog suffered.

1:08:43

My sister and I had a funeral. It was

1:08:46

fun. It was fun. Yeah. I

1:08:49

mean, the fact that the thing was only supposed

1:08:51

to be the size of a quarter and then

1:08:53

probably a year, he had a

1:08:55

good life. It was great. Yeah. It

1:08:58

was a victory. Yes. I don't

1:09:00

know how long African claw frogs live, but

1:09:02

seven years, it's a good run. Agreed.

1:09:05

But the water was coffee hot. No.

1:09:09

Oh no. You

1:09:12

have to buy a new

1:09:14

heater for your aquarium. When

1:09:17

you... I'm just deciding you're going

1:09:19

to have an aquarium

1:09:21

pet. Yeah. But

1:09:24

at the end of the summer, Irene, you're wearing a hat?

1:09:27

Yeah. Instead of me learning

1:09:29

to swim, I'm just going to get a

1:09:31

frog that already swims. Yeah. Let

1:09:34

the frog take care of it. Yeah. And

1:09:36

by the way, I did not ask you about

1:09:39

cats for any reason other than we were

1:09:41

talking about this hatchet man that has cats in

1:09:43

his hand. Oh, okay. He... They're

1:09:46

all on leashes and he yells at them and I'm

1:09:48

like, that's not how you train a cat. What

1:09:51

do I know? Because these cats do

1:09:53

everything he says. So

1:09:56

it's a little like when you go to a circus and

1:09:59

there's that dog that walks... with a cat on his

1:10:01

back and that cat has a mouse on his back.

1:10:05

It seems impressive, like these are gifted

1:10:07

animals, but it comes from abuse. Right.

1:10:10

Or at least shouting. Yes,

1:10:12

shouting. You don't shout at

1:10:14

cats. I'm not

1:10:17

going to tell a man with a hatchet how to

1:10:19

run his cat life. Apparently

1:10:21

he's good at it though. I

1:10:23

don't know. He's got a logo on his

1:10:25

fan. Irene, do you have any

1:10:28

big shows coming up for anything you're excited

1:10:30

about? Yeah. Yeah, I'm doing

1:10:32

a couple of shows for the Netflix is

1:10:34

a joke fest in May

1:10:36

in Los Angeles. Right. And

1:10:39

then I'm on tour, so I don't

1:10:41

know. People can find me on my

1:10:43

website, irene2.com. Come see me. I'm

1:10:45

doing a ton of shows and

1:10:48

hopefully taping this hour at some point and then

1:10:50

putting it out. So we'll see when that happens.

1:10:52

Right. Irene has

1:10:54

the best baby eating joke in

1:10:56

the business. Oh, thank you, Chris.

1:10:58

Yes. We first decided

1:11:02

we would be friends in Portland at

1:11:04

helium if I'm not. Oh, yeah. That

1:11:06

was so fun. We had that agreement.

1:11:09

Yeah, I did. You drew up papers. Let's be

1:11:11

friends. Very smart. You were so

1:11:13

funny. You were so funny. I mean, you are so

1:11:15

funny. But like that weekend I remembered that

1:11:17

you were so funny. Thank you so much.

1:11:20

That was that was fun. How were we both

1:11:22

there? We were we were like both

1:11:24

working at the same time. We were both pulling

1:11:26

the fog horn that time. You know, I think

1:11:28

we were both there because I was headlining like

1:11:30

the off night. And

1:11:33

then you were doing those. Yeah, I was

1:11:35

doing like a secret headline or one

1:11:37

of those shows where or

1:11:40

maybe it wasn't that time. But I don't

1:11:42

like those shows where they're like, hey, last

1:11:44

week it was, you know, Daniel Tosh or

1:11:46

whatever. And people were so excited. It was

1:11:48

a famous person. And then they're

1:11:50

like tonight's secret headliner. And they say

1:11:52

your name and you can audibly hear

1:11:55

their reaction. Oh, no. And

1:11:57

like, who? Like, you can hear people go,

1:11:59

who? I'm like,

1:12:01

okay, I think I set myself up

1:12:03

for this, I agree. Yeah,

1:12:06

that hurts. Yeah, but yeah,

1:12:08

we had so much fun. It's

1:12:11

always good to see you. It is always good

1:12:13

to see you. Oh, wait, we're going that way, right? Or

1:12:16

this way? I don't recall. This

1:12:19

is my new thing. I can't follow GPS. I don't

1:12:22

know what's going on. All

1:12:24

of a sudden, I'm confused by stuff. Well, take

1:12:26

a right here. Well... It's

1:12:28

possible. This is

1:12:30

a dangerous podcast, isn't it? I mean... I

1:12:33

was going to say that at some

1:12:35

point. Do you feel unsafe? No, but I

1:12:38

was like, interesting. Yeah.

1:12:41

Did people agree to do this?

1:12:43

Yeah. I mean,

1:12:46

I feel like I'm more concerned about you guys.

1:12:49

Oh, don't worry. You have to drive and then

1:12:52

have a whole podcast. Yeah, true. But

1:12:54

if something were to happen, I have a feeling we

1:12:56

would all feel it in the same way. Oh,

1:12:59

no. That's part of it. We're all

1:13:01

going down together. It's okay. A lot of people

1:13:04

say you shouldn't bring stuff like that up because

1:13:06

you're putting it in the universe. I

1:13:08

disagree. I think that by bringing it

1:13:10

up, you're taking it out of the

1:13:12

universe because what are the chances you

1:13:15

say something and then it happens? That

1:13:18

otherwise I'd be... I'd

1:13:20

win the lottery. I don't have

1:13:22

that power. Right. Right. Also, I will

1:13:24

say great driving.

1:13:26

Yes. Thank you.

1:13:28

Yeah. Thank you. There is a

1:13:31

reason I'm not driving, Irene. Because

1:13:33

you don't own the Tesla. That's that.

1:13:36

There's that. I simply won't let him. Mine

1:13:38

sounds like an old diesel. There is that.

1:13:41

But also, I cannot talk

1:13:43

and drive at the same time. I've

1:13:45

noticed that just going somewhere and someone asks me

1:13:47

a question. I'm like, I don't

1:13:49

even know what you're saying. I have to turn left. Please

1:13:53

stop talking. Please stop talking. I need

1:13:55

silence. No. Okay. I'm

1:14:00

but you you live in a beautiful building. Oh

1:14:04

Thank you the the the beautiful

1:14:06

facade it is it isn't a

1:14:09

facade That's why I said

1:14:15

Yeah, I but I imagine

1:14:17

you have a gymnasium there is a

1:14:19

little gym, yes There's

1:14:22

also a pool which I never use. Oh Are

1:14:25

you saying you're gonna have a pool party and

1:14:27

we're invited? You know, that is an option Is

1:14:31

it gonna happen? No Because

1:14:33

there's an introvert hate to throw party.

1:14:36

Yeah love to show up at a party

1:14:38

for tops one hour and then quietly leave

1:14:40

Yeah, I'm going to invite you to my next

1:14:42

party. Please I would love to be there

1:14:45

for one hour. Okay, great If that's okay with

1:14:47

you, of course. Well and also cuz I

1:14:50

getting ready for You

1:14:52

know hot girl summer too. Okay. Yeah the

1:14:54

sequel the hot girl. Yeah one that didn't

1:14:56

happen Yeah, yes, we might as well do

1:14:58

it again. It was a real bomb. So

1:15:01

why not starting it? Oh, is that your

1:15:03

front row? Yes, I'll put here but

1:15:07

My house was apart kind of a party house Oh,

1:15:10

and I love throwing parties and I think it's really

1:15:12

fun So who was I talking to you about this

1:15:14

where I think it was that snowy towers where I

1:15:16

said, oh, I love that Is he the best he'll

1:15:18

be there? He'll make

1:15:20

that hour go by much faster But

1:15:23

I was like, I think the idea I

1:15:25

need to do is like consistent parties So

1:15:28

people know just come over and people

1:15:30

will be swimming and hanging out then it's like not

1:15:32

the pressure of a party It's

1:15:35

kind of like oh come over and swim.

1:15:37

Yeah. Yeah, that's nice Yeah last

1:15:40

time I brought shorts to swim but

1:15:42

I can't remember why I didn't maybe

1:15:44

it was a little breezy I'm scared.

1:15:46

It's someone insult you. Yes.

1:15:48

They were like, oh, you're not gonna take that shirt

1:15:50

off And then I

1:15:53

just I just put my hands under

1:15:55

my armpits and hunched over This

1:16:00

is a no bullying party. Yes. So yeah everybody

1:16:03

for all of you. I don't know if I

1:16:05

can make it Many

1:16:08

people on your fucking street like literally

1:16:10

I know I don't know why yeah

1:16:13

It's usually not this busy whose cute background

1:16:15

and there's like this guy going this way

1:16:17

this guy going this way promise you It's

1:16:19

normally not like that. So when you pulled

1:16:21

up to you, there wasn't anything happening. No,

1:16:23

yeah, there wasn't and now people are People

1:16:26

like hi farmers market surrounding the

1:16:28

car Thank

1:16:41

you so much for being here, thank you for having me Of

1:16:44

course, I hope you enjoyed that. I

1:16:46

know I loved it Yeah, and you

1:16:48

were you were great tonight and you've

1:16:51

been great in the past and I

1:16:53

know it's not night But I meant to say today. I Know

1:16:56

I was like does this podcast drop in

1:16:59

the evening? Do you want to convince people

1:17:01

we're night driving? It's a 7 p.m. Pod.

1:17:03

Yeah Even though we

1:17:05

constantly mentioned mentioned rush hour traffic. We

1:17:07

try to have people What

1:17:15

a beautiful moon you've

1:17:17

been listening to do you need a ride I

1:17:28

This has been an exactly right production

1:17:31

Produced by Annalise Nelson mixed

1:17:33

by Edson Choi our talent

1:17:36

booker is Patrick Kotner theme

1:17:38

song by Karen Calvary artwork

1:17:40

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1:17:44

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