0:00

We had a lot of red flags in our relationship , though Not

0:02

major red flags , but everybody has blind

0:04

spots . Depends on how you look at it .

0:06

And what might be a red flag for one person may

0:08

not necessarily be a red flag for

0:10

another person , depending on their viewpoint

0:12

on that thing , if they were talking to you

0:14

and they were saying well , how do you deal with someone like him

0:17

, who's super ?

0:17

fucking Tell me about a chow . Ooh

0:20

, go ahead , pre-chow

0:23

, pre-chow

0:26

yeah .

0:31

Hey , we talk about locum tenants a lot on this

0:34

show , renee and

0:36

I . We've been doing it for well over 10 years now , so

0:38

if you're curious about locum tenants and

0:41

how it might fit into your career , check out locumstorycom

0:43

. That's

0:47

locumstorycom , and you'll see all the different

0:49

reasons why physicians choose locums and

0:51

you'll see all the different reasons why physicians

0:53

choose locums and how it works for

0:55

them . Find out about jobs

0:58

, taxes , travel and

1:00

, to me , most importantly pay

1:02

. Visit locumstorycom

1:05

to learn more Folks

1:08

, your exciting new medical career

1:10

. It's just been hit with a serious

1:12

illness or injury that stops

1:14

you from earning a paycheck just when you

1:17

need it most . Check out

1:19

what Jamie Fleischer of SEPFA Life Insurance

1:21

set back on episode 176

1:23

about having disability insurance

1:26

early in your career .

1:28

The real reason to get it early on

1:30

is really twofold . One is to protect

1:32

your insurability . So if you are healthy and you

1:34

can obtain the coverage , you also pre-approve

1:36

yourself to be able to buy more in the

1:38

future . So down the road , as your income

1:41

does increase , you don't have to answer

1:43

additional medical questions . All you have to do is show

1:45

that your income has increased and you can buy

1:47

more benefits at that time . No medical

1:49

questions asked .

1:51

Protect your income , secure your future

1:53

. Check out SEPFALifeInsurancecom

1:57

. All

1:59

right , what's good everyone . Welcome to another episode

2:02

of Docs Outside the Box . I am your host

2:04

, Dr Ney . Join by . Dr

2:07

Ney how y'all feeling

2:09

Doing good .

2:10

I'm okay

2:13

actually . Yeah , I'm good .

2:15

I'm good on this end but I

2:17

hate to do it , but we have to do

2:19

it . What we gotta do it . So

2:21

I found out last week . Last week Friday

2:24

, so by the time this recording comes

2:26

out this will be several weeks , but January 1st

2:28

we found out that one

2:30

of our guests , dr Jamal Dixon

2:33

, actually Jamal Dixon

2:35

MD

2:37

, he was episode 245 . He

2:40

passed away on December 1st , yeah

2:42

, which shocked the heck out of me . Dr

2:44

Italo , who went to college no

2:47

, actually went to medical school with him . He

2:49

let me know what's going on . Don't know

2:51

the specifics Not saying that I deserve the specifics

2:53

or need to know the specifics but he passed

2:56

away . But if you go back to that episode

2:58

, man , my man was very

3:01

perseverance advocate

3:04

. The man could fight , yeah

3:06

, and in essence was fighting

3:08

stomach cancer , beat it

3:11

and did

3:13

this while doing residency at

3:15

Morehouse . He did his medical

3:17

school training at Mahary and then

3:19

went to Morehouse , went to Grady and

3:22

did his internal medicine career and then he was diagnosed

3:24

during that time . And

3:26

from that point you know , oftentimes

3:29

I think , when you're faced that

3:31

early , that young , with

3:33

something that obviously can

3:36

take your life , just like that , sometimes

3:38

you gotta figure out what you gotta do . Are

3:40

you going to do excuse me to give back ? Right

3:42

and I think for him . He decided that he was going

3:44

to train and teach other patients

3:47

how to advocate for themselves

3:49

. I'm not gonna get too much into the specifics

3:51

of the episode , but you all need to go back and listen to episode

3:54

245 . It was a master class on how

3:56

to advocate for yourself as a patient . Now

3:58

, obviously he was a medical doctor already . He had

4:00

the medical knowledge , so it's it's

4:02

very easy for him to navigate that

4:05

. But he went ahead and started

4:07

the caregiver sanctuary where he's

4:09

teaching other people how to navigate for

4:11

themselves , whether they're a patient or a family

4:13

. But yeah , this one hit me

4:15

hard . He's only 37 years old folks

4:17

. Yeah , that one was

4:19

really difficult . So rest

4:22

in power . Dr

4:24

Dixon , your message

4:26

, definitely your message , your energy

4:28

is definitely . It

4:31

impacted me , affected me and when I heard

4:33

it , it definitely put

4:35

me in a way . So any thoughts on that

4:37

, if you have any thoughts .

4:39

No , just when you called me , I was at work

4:41

and you

4:44

told me that you had some bad news

4:46

and that Jamal

4:50

Dixon had passed away , and

4:52

I immediately remembered

4:55

where I was listening

4:58

to his episode and how amazing

5:01

I thought his episode was

5:03

. Just

5:05

talking about his pre-med journey , talking

5:08

about the journey through

5:12

cancer and

5:14

then again giving back and starting

5:16

the caregiver sanctuary

5:19

and just thinking , wow

5:21

, that's a lot for someone to go through in

5:24

a very short time in their lives and

5:27

I was really just

5:29

saddened , obviously , by

5:32

his passing , but also

5:34

I was very happy that he was

5:36

able to

5:39

live what at least looked

5:41

like a

5:43

full and meaningful life

5:45

. Right , yeah

5:48

, he lived .

5:49

It sounds like he lived a couple of

5:51

lifetimes . During that time he

5:55

was only 37 in the midst of residency and

5:57

not many people get to say that at that age .

5:59

But taken way too early , way

6:06

too early , way too early . So

6:08

yeah so , rest , rest , rest

6:10

, rest now , yeah , rest in power .

6:12

Rest in peace , however you guys want

6:14

to look at it . And also

6:17

thoughts and prayers with the

6:20

Meharry family , the Morehouse family , as

6:22

well as and especially his family , especially

6:24

his family directly . Mm-hmm

6:26

, yeah so listen

6:29

, let's do a real quick moment of silence and

6:31

then we'll go from there . Alright

6:49

, folks , let's go ahead and take a real quick break

6:51

. When we come back we're going to be talking about our anniversary

6:54

, the lessons we've learned during

6:56

those 10 years , as well as some red

6:58

flags in relationships . Be

7:01

right back , alright , y'all . This is Dr

7:03

Nate . I've been doing low-comtenance trauma

7:05

surgery for well over 10 years and

7:08

I haven't looked back since . This

7:10

combination of lifestyle and income that I

7:12

could ask for Now for you , your

7:14

needs , your wants , that's going to be different than mine

7:16

. Maybe you want more control over

7:19

when you work , or even how much

7:21

you work . Or , look , you're

7:23

just trying to make more money to pay off those damn student loans

7:25

. Now the other thing is pay attention

7:27

. The average low-coms doc

7:29

gets paid at least 33% more

7:32

than your average employed doc . You

7:34

got your attention now , so look

7:36

, I get it . Sometimes the hardest part is where

7:38

do I start ? You start your research

7:41

at locomstorycom . Once

7:43

again , that's locomstorycom . It's

7:45

an unbiased educational resource

7:47

about low-comtenance . There you're going to find

7:49

stories about the different reasons

7:52

why doctors choose locums and

7:54

how it works for them . Locomstorycom

7:56

has tools that let you explore locums

7:59

, pay demand for your specialty

8:01

and even compare different low-comtenance

8:03

agencies . So , look , stop

8:05

sitting on the fence or just thinking

8:07

about it , start doing , do

8:10

your own research at locomstorycom . Once

8:13

again , that's locomstorycom

8:15

. It's easy . All

8:17

right , we are back . All right , y'all

8:19

, let's get into

8:21

this . So actually this episode

8:24

is really about our anniversary . What

8:26

has changed during these last

8:29

10 years of our marriage relationship

8:31

, whichever way you want to describe

8:34

it and , even more importantly

8:36

, how being

8:38

in a relationship has kind of changed the trajectory of our

8:40

careers , our lives individually

8:43

, our children's lives , us as business

8:45

owners , and then also , at the same

8:47

time , what you can glean from this . And

8:49

then also we're going to talk a little bit about some red flags . So

8:52

prepare to be gaslit . I'm just letting y'all know

8:54

, Trigger warning Prrkk Prepare to be

8:56

gaslit Prrkk , prrkk . Some of

8:58

this is in comedy , but a lot of this is in truth

9:00

. But you know , the best type of comedy is set

9:02

in truth , right ? Or set in jest , right

9:04

. So let's jump into the show . So Thanksgiving

9:07

was not only a great celebration

9:09

in a Darko household , but it was also me and Renee's

9:11

10-year anniversary .

9:12

Right .

9:12

Yes , it was . So . I know that you , specifically

9:15

on your 10-year anniversary , did not want to be hosting

9:17

Thanksgiving , but you did it because

9:20

you know it's important for our family , his family Right

9:22

His family . You

9:24

would rather be doing something you know anniversary and so

9:26

forth like .

9:28

You're giving yourself a lot of credit , yeah .

9:31

Well , I'm just saying 10

9:33

years is a big year , right , 10

9:35

years is a big milestone , and that's one of those

9:37

. You know you go to a different country or you

9:39

, you know you do something real nice you

9:41

rededicate your vows or you

9:44

know . Whatever it is you know , or you bust

9:46

out a divorce on someone 10 years

9:48

I'm out mother-in-law .

9:50

That's not a celebration .

9:52

Well , it could be a celebration , it could be for some people

9:54

, some people listen and trust me , right

9:57

, but for us , you

9:59

know , I think one of the things that

10:02

I wanted to talk about with this

10:04

episode is like

10:06

there's a lot has happened

10:08

over the last 10 years . A lot

10:10

, if you asked me prior to getting married

10:13

to you and even before we

10:15

, like , really got serious . If

10:17

my life would look like this marriage wise

10:19

, I would say hell , no .

10:21

Right , I'm just going to preface it by saying that y'all

10:24

, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing

10:26

. Well , it's

10:28

a lot .

10:29

You paused , you paused . It's

10:31

not that it's a bad thing . It's not a bad thing

10:33

at all . What I'm saying is is , I

10:36

said is is .

10:38

So folks me has been saying

10:40

is is for like two months . Yeah

10:42

, and I don't know how to get in this . I'm

10:44

stuck in this matrix loop . Well , I'm going

10:46

to break it .

10:47

The thing is is Alfred ? Every time I say is is

10:50

just make sure you note that on the episode

10:52

right , so that I could go back and see how

10:54

painful that is , even though I

10:56

didn't say that , even though I go

10:59

back and I listen to these episodes again , listening

11:02

to your mistakes over and over again , because you're rather

11:04

painful and can make sure that you don't mess it up

11:07

. Let's get back to that episode .

11:09

Okay , you ready , okay , you focus .

11:11

Yes , If

11:14

you had asked me before we got married what kind of relationship I would

11:17

want , I would want or

11:19

I knew that if I was going to get married to you , to

11:22

a dark household , kind

11:24

of just working I'm working hard , you're

11:26

working hard , having kids . I

11:30

never thought about what

11:32

it would be like to be married to another doctor

11:34

having kids . Who

11:37

, specifically , is going to take care of the kids ? Logistics

11:40

Like . I never thought about the logistics of that . Yeah , logistics

11:43

Nanny was kind of like maybe

11:45

I don't know how this is going to work , maybe my parents , I

11:47

don't know . These are the thoughts that I had before . I

11:49

just never really thought about . I

11:52

never thought about marriage in that . I

11:54

never thought about it that granular . If

11:56

you asked me about my career , I

11:59

can tell you I'm like , yeah , I want to practice for this many years

12:01

. I want to do this with my career . I want to work here

12:03

. These are the type of operations

12:05

I want to do . This is the goals

12:07

that I wanted to reach . But marriage is just like

12:10

yeah , of course I want to be married . Who doesn't want to be married

12:12

? Right ?

12:13

Yeah .

12:14

And I want to be married to somebody who is professional and

12:16

they going to work Right , because I want to make money

12:18

Right . Like I never thought

12:21

about that . I never thought that . Now you contrast

12:23

it with how my life is now . It's just

12:25

different . It's much better , but

12:27

it's different . It better be , better it

12:29

is . You see what I'm saying . I

12:32

think the best way to describe it is my thoughts on marriage

12:34

. Before was very black and white Right

12:37

, like there really wasn't much color to it , whereas

12:39

now my life has color to it . There's

12:42

nuance Right , much

12:44

like your head scarf .

12:44

Wrap Okay .

12:51

I'm staying corrected .

12:53

So question would you say

12:56

that marriage was more of a

12:58

? More of a checkbox

13:01

Like ? It's

13:03

just something that you know that

13:05

you were going to do , but

13:08

you didn't really think about how

13:10

it was going to be executed Absolutely

13:13

.

13:13

Yeah , because I looked at marriage

13:15

like that . I told

13:17

you right Like I was guys , if you don't know , like my

13:19

mom drilled into me not to let

13:21

any relationship affect my educational

13:24

ascent , so to speak , no

13:26

relationship , and that's kind of how I moved

13:28

Right Like we were in a relationship

13:31

. But it was really clear and

13:33

I think that wasn't the right way to do things

13:35

, but it was very clear that my

13:37

career came first . Education

13:40

came first . I mean I don't think there's anything wrong

13:42

with that , especially you weren't married and everything came

13:44

second to that , Like I would . In my mind , I just was

13:47

not willing to fully commit , be

13:49

married and get engaged . Until I

13:51

got that degree that says fellowship on

13:53

it , that was not happening Because

13:55

I just I think her fear and what she drilled into

13:57

me is that once you start being

14:00

married with someone , you have to take sacrifices

14:02

.

14:02

So she understood the execution .

14:05

You did Exactly .

14:07

And she had only told you about the execution .

14:09

Maybe you could have made a plan , well

14:12

, but she didn't give me the specifics , and

14:14

maybe that's the reason why I was so focused , right

14:16

, because I was , like you know , cold-hearted

14:18

. I'm an assassin about this , okay

14:23

, right . But I think

14:25

there are things that

14:27

you have to consider when you're dating

14:29

or marrying or being in

14:31

a long-term relationship with another professional , particularly

14:33

someone who's in a

14:36

high earning professional Some

14:38

constraints , the stress of the job

14:40

you know , the

14:43

you come home , the money you're going to make

14:45

.

14:45

The money you're going to make . That could be a stressor .

14:48

You guys may be on different ends of the spectrum

14:50

. With money , that's a big deal

14:52

and I just want people to really understand that as

14:54

much as you focus a lot on your careers

14:57

and you see a certain

14:59

way in which your career is going to go

15:01

, that relationship can either

15:03

be a hindrance or it

15:05

can really augment . It can really

15:07

make that career , your

15:10

choices , your life afterwards so

15:12

much better .

15:13

The person I mean the person that you tie

15:16

yourself to potentially

15:18

could be the person who either lifts

15:21

you up or ruins you .

15:22

Is your demise , is the reason why you're working in your seventies

15:24

, the person could lift you up , or you .

15:26

They can literally ruin you

15:28

right Like . So yeah

15:30

, you have to be very careful about

15:32

who you hit your , which

15:35

horse , which horse you

15:37

hit your wagon to .

15:39

So we had a lot of red flags in our relationship

15:41

, though Not major red flags , but I

15:43

think we had red flags in our relationship . But I think most relationships

15:46

have some form of red flags in their relationship

15:48

. Like things that you just don't see

15:50

right . Everybody has blind spots , right

15:53

? Some people will say these are red flags . Other people say well , that's a

15:55

blind spot in a relationship . Depends on how

15:57

you look at it . Okay , and what might

15:59

be a red flag for one person may not necessarily

16:01

be a red flag for another person , depending

16:04

on their viewpoint on that thing

16:06

, I think people from the outside looking in

16:08

if they were talking to you and they

16:10

were saying , well , how do you deal with someone like him

16:12

, who's super focused .

16:13

Tell me about a child .

16:16

Oh , go ahead .

16:32

I was just talking about the last two years of our marriage

16:34

. Is

16:36

this something you want to say ?

16:38

Yes , you

16:43

were not talking about the last two years

16:45

Go ahead .

16:48

But I do think that someone looking at our relationship can

16:50

say yo , there's a red flag right there , Like

16:53

he's super hyper focused on his career . Are you sure

16:55

that he's willing to commit ? Are

16:57

you sure that he's showing the signs of possibly

16:59

being a good husband ?

17:00

Right .

17:01

I'll be really honest with you because me , like I said , I

17:03

think for me , like I'm so used to

17:06

doing everything by myself , every success , failure

17:08

yeah , you really were . That was on

17:10

my own Right .

17:11

I don't need you to help me with that .

17:13

I was very self-sufficient and

17:15

very much like relationship

17:18

is there . What I do is here

17:21

. Don't cross here very much

17:23

. So remember there were times where you would give me advice on how to study

17:25

or just other things . I'm

17:27

like , stay over there , Like

17:30

you can make your . You can make your little

17:32

recommendations on what movies we go to

17:34

or what DVD we gonna book . You know what

17:36

DVD bootleg we gonna watch , or

17:39

we know watch a lot of DVD . You know

17:41

what we gonna do , but like all

17:43

this here , like all this like you

17:46

. Good , you stay over there , but

17:48

like you feel like that , but . I

17:51

mean , but we all have our nuances right , you

17:53

have red flags now . I do think

17:55

that , but I do think that the issue

17:57

is , is , is is

17:59

. The issue between

18:01

us initially was , I

18:04

think that , metaphorically

18:06

, you kind of held up a mirror to me

18:08

, so to speak , and I got to

18:10

see certain like

18:12

your personality , with certain challenges

18:15

or certain questions that you

18:17

may ask or certain

18:20

things that you may do , is almost like

18:22

a mirror to me and it forced me to see

18:24

certain blind spots that I may . That . I may

18:26

have it forced me to kind of bend

18:28

in certain ways that I wasn't used to bending

18:30

, because I'm so used to doing things a certain way .

18:32

And .

18:33

I think initially it was like like

18:35

this , like tectonic plates , like

18:37

beef . We had a lot of beef . You know what I'm saying

18:40

? Beef , lots of beef , you know like too

18:42

hard headed people .

18:43

Ox tails up in here Two rams

18:45

, two rams , right .

18:49

So that's I think that's one thing . That's really

18:51

interesting was that

18:54

initial resistance to

18:57

kind of thinking about things from a different

18:59

perspective . But I do have to

19:01

admit , once we got married , like

19:04

a lot of the things that have changed

19:06

, particularly in my life , in

19:08

my vision , that I think is extremely positive

19:11

, is because I've incorporated more of the

19:13

ideas that you brought on . But

19:16

it's true , right , like the reason why we got out of debt

19:18

in three years as opposed to 15

19:20

years was because of you .

19:22

Yes .

19:24

You're the one who came up with the notion of yo we could do three to five

19:26

years Right Cause at first we were going to do 15 years

19:28

, 15 , yeah , and . I was like okay , we're stuck , like everybody who

19:30

knows me knows that I when I make a plan , that

19:32

is it .

19:33

Don't come to me with nothing else . That's your entire family

19:35

. Hey , we're systematically .

19:37

That's your entire family . That's why we successful

19:40

. That's why we successful . This is the plan .

19:41

Then you go oh look , I found a better plan

19:44

. You're like nope , I want the bad plan , I don't want a

19:46

good plan . Well , it's not a bad plan .

19:49

But anyway . So she came up with the

19:51

idea to go to three years . At

19:53

first I was a little resistant , but then it made sense

19:56

. I was like , let's go ahead and do it . Some of the other

19:58

things , what's the other things ? What's

20:01

some of the other ideas that I pushed back on initially

20:03

? Or .

20:04

What was the other thing you pushed back on ? Oh , part-time

20:07

, oh yeah part-time .

20:08

You work in part-time Initially for me

20:10

was a big deal . I was like what are you talking about ? We didn't

20:12

have a whole fight about that , but

20:14

I was like man , you could work , Go

20:17

work and make that full-time money . And you were

20:19

like , nah , we haven't really been living

20:21

together in a long time

20:23

.

20:23

Yeah , we had a . So we

20:26

had a long-distance relationship

20:28

on and off , long-distance

20:30

relationship at that for seven

20:33

years at one point , because

20:36

we were together in Kansas City

20:38

for about three years , about

20:40

three and a half years , and

20:43

then we went to residency

20:46

, fellowship , whatever . So

20:50

that added on a few more years . Then

20:53

we reunited in Atlanta for one year

20:55

. Then I moved out to Idaho

20:57

, you went to Miami .

20:58

Right , it was off and on , off and on , so it was off and on

21:00

for like seven years , right ?

21:02

No , but the reason that I went Then it's been a half year

21:04

Like we can't no , but the reason that I'm going

21:07

through that is so that people understand

21:09

like this wasn't a continuous

21:12

relationship , yeah Right . Like this wasn't

21:14

a continuous relationship , oh

21:16

, you guys just living together . You dated

21:18

for 10 years and then you guys decided to get married

21:20

. That's not how this happened ?

21:22

The story of Renee getting

21:25

me from my paper when we went to dinner

21:27

and making sure I'd buy the most expensive

21:29

wine . That was when we were off , actually

21:31

, who ?

21:32

got you for your paper Nia no

21:34

paper .

21:35

Yeah , but you wanted me to pay for that expensive-ass

21:37

wine .

21:38

Babe , it was like one glass

21:40

of wine .

21:41

That was like $25 , $30 ?

21:43

Get out of here . It was not no $25 , $35

21:45

, babe .

21:45

No , it wasn't .

21:46

Get out of here who are you always

21:48

exaggerating , especially for the podcast ? Always

21:51

exaggerating .

21:52

Anyway , the point of this is listen over the past 10

21:54

years . What have you learned ?

21:59

Well , I think I've learned

22:01

that

22:03

marriage is

22:06

truly a partnership and

22:08

that having

22:10

competing moments , like having

22:12

moments A queen of cliche over here , what

22:15

Anyway ? Having competing

22:18

moments or moments where we're

22:20

competing against each other are

22:22

completely and utterly

22:24

unhealthy .

22:25

Like unhealthy and unhelpful

22:27

If you're competing with your partner . That's a- .

22:29

Yeah , it's bad . And

22:33

so I think over

22:35

the last 10 years I

22:37

kind of look at you

22:40

more like you

22:42

said I show you a mirror , but

22:45

I look at you as kind of almost

22:47

like a reflection of me

22:49

. Right , a reflection

22:51

of me , the things that I do

22:53

or say to you are things

22:55

that I should not do and say to

22:57

myself . If they are negative , right

23:00

. So I should only do and say positive things

23:02

to you , right .

23:04

Okay .

23:05

So I kind of look at it like that . There

23:08

was one time . So I'll tell you this there's one time

23:10

I went home , and

23:12

I went home to New York and

23:15

my brother and I was in that table and we started arguing

23:17

about something and

23:19

my you know , my brother you're always

23:21

coming in here , you're talking about that or whatever

23:23

, and then he goes that's

23:26

it , I'm not talking to you anymore , don't

23:28

talk to me anymore . And I was like and

23:30

if you know my brother , the

23:33

one thing you know about my brother is he

23:35

absolutely loves his family . You

23:38

can have one drop of all-me-blood

23:40

in you All of a sudden . He's all up in

23:42

your grill , he wants you to come over to

23:44

the house , he wants to whatever . So when he was

23:46

like , oh , you don't have to talk to me anymore , don't talk

23:48

to me ever again . I just looked at him and started

23:50

laughing . We're both angry at each other

23:53

. But I looked at him , I was like , are you crazy

23:55

? I was like you , the same

23:57

mother and father as me . You think I'm not going

23:59

to talk to you . You think you're not going to talk

24:01

to me ? Like that's just not going to happen

24:03

. I'm sorry . And so that

24:06

exchange between me and my brother really

24:08

started making me think about when

24:11

I get into conflicts with you , why

24:15

do I feel very comfortable

24:18

putting the kibosh on

24:20

the negative feelings

24:22

and upset on the

24:25

argument and just being like you

24:27

didn't go nowhere ? You're my

24:29

brother , right To my brother

24:31

, no to my brother . But

24:34

what does that mean ? Can

24:36

I reproduce that sentiment

24:39

with my husband ? But

24:41

listen , I'm pissed

24:44

off at you right now , but I

24:46

ain't going nowhere . And you ain't going nowhere , like , just stop

24:48

playing . Like you know

24:50

, we , we are family , you

24:53

know , and that's just the way that it is

24:55

. And so , just in the same

24:57

way that I have to have that unconditional

25:00

I just bought a car .

25:01

I just bought a car , cast today $50,000

25:04

cash .

25:05

Anyway , just in the way that I have to

25:07

have that unconditional you

25:09

know relationship with my brother , you

25:11

know , I think there was an

25:13

epiphany for me that was like I

25:16

have to have this unconditional relationship

25:18

if I'm going to , or

25:20

at least approach to this relationship , If

25:22

my relationship , you think there's

25:24

, is there such thing as an unconditional love when you're in a

25:26

relationship with someone not family

25:29

wise , family wise is always an unconditional relationship

25:31

, because I disagree

25:33

with that .

25:34

I think it's not always , but I

25:36

know .

25:37

I disagree with that , but I think it's not always

25:39

.

25:39

I think that when you are blood related

25:41

to someone family , kids

25:43

it's a lot easier to have that unconditional

25:45

love . Can you have an unconditional love with someone

25:48

who you are not related to ?

25:49

But that's the but , that's the point , right

25:51

, that's

25:55

the point of me telling this story is

25:57

that I had to . I

25:59

had to recognize

26:02

that I know , because

26:04

I deliberately involved

26:07

myself in this union with you , that

26:09

I could also deliberately separate

26:11

myself from this union with you

26:13

. That's not the case with my brother , like

26:15

I didn't have a choice , he's my brother . Like

26:18

there's nothing I could do . But that doesn't necessarily

26:20

mean that I can't approach my

26:22

relationship with you in such

26:25

a way that I say , okay , now that I

26:27

have put myself into

26:29

this marriage , that as

26:31

long as it's safe and healthy , right

26:34

, as long as it's safe and healthy , that

26:36

there's . There

26:38

should be no reason for me to

26:41

be , like you know , on a whim , like

26:43

, oh , that's it , I'm just going to end this marriage .

26:45

That's because you signed a prenup . That's why .

26:46

Nobody signed no prenup .

26:48

What did you have ? You got another 10 years to go

26:50

.

26:50

You had a Jetta that just anyway

26:52

, you had a Jetta with the shocks of a tricycle 1999

26:55

, Volkswagen . Jetta and a mirror was hanging off

26:57

what Power windows

27:00

? Anyway , talk

27:02

about the red flags please .

27:03

Six CD changer , that's a red flag Six

27:05

CD changer .

27:08

If he got a car with the shocks of a tricycle

27:10

you might want to run .

27:13

Yo , that German engineering Come on .

27:15

Get out of here .

27:15

Nene , Come on . No

27:17

matter where you are in your career , you've seen patients

27:20

your age or younger get seriously

27:22

injured , have a long-term illness

27:24

or even have a mental health issue that affects

27:27

their ability to work . Now , what

27:29

if that was you ? No , for real . What if that

27:31

was you ? Without disability insurance

27:33

, how are you going to replace your paycheck ? In

27:36

episode 176 , Jamie Fleissner

27:38

of Sefa Life Insurance explains why

27:40

the best time to buy disability insurance is

27:43

during your residency .

27:45

Most people , most physicians , acquire their disability

27:48

policies during residency , and there's

27:50

several reasons . First of all , when you're younger

27:52

, you're able to obtain the insurance because they

27:54

ask you a whole host of medical

27:56

history and so you usually don't

27:58

get healthier over time . Usually you get less

28:00

healthy over time , so when you're healthy , it's

28:02

easier to acquire the coverage . Number

28:05

two it's also less expensive because it's based

28:07

on your age and your health . You're not getting younger

28:09

or healthier over time , so you're at the ideal

28:12

time . The earlier you get it and the younger you are

28:14

, the less expensive it's going to be

28:16

.

28:16

So , whether you're a resident or you're an attending , it's

28:19

never too late to protect your income . Renee

28:21

and I , we use Sefa Life Insurance to find

28:23

a disability policy that fit our

28:25

needs and budget . So what

28:27

are you waiting for ? Check out setfalifeinsurancecom

28:31

Once again . That's setfalifeinsurancecom

28:35

. Well , anyway , let's

28:37

move on . Let's talk about some

28:40

red flags y'all , because we

28:42

talk about our relationship enough , but obviously our

28:44

relationship really . I'll be really honest with you . I

28:47

think the big flex with our

28:49

relationship or at least with the career is

28:51

is that we don't compete and

28:54

we are creating this non-traditional lifestyle

28:56

, and it truly involves

28:58

what you want to accomplish and how

29:00

I can help you in accomplishing that , and

29:02

then the same thing right what I can accomplish and how

29:05

you're going to help in that . We're always thinking about

29:07

how we can help each other and make it work

29:09

.

29:09

Is it ?

29:09

perfect Hell . No , it ain't perfect .

29:11

Damn .

29:12

But it works right . It works for us

29:14

and I wouldn't trade it for the world . But

29:17

listen , if you hear

29:19

this red flag or these red flags you may

29:21

want to put , you know there's going

29:24

to be some people pissed off at us . So you know what this

29:26

will be . Dr , First Girl , let's just jump right into it . These

29:28

are some red flags in your relationship . If you listen to this podcast

29:30

right now and you hear these red flags and you need to question , so

29:33

let's jump right into it .

29:34

Wait , wait , wait . Let's get the trick of warning . Some of y'all

29:36

just going , y'all going to be

29:38

mad at us Like , uh-uh , that didn't happen with me

29:40

Because my man and this and the other

29:42

, and 25 years later we still together

29:45

.

29:46

But listen , we speaking from the truth . Right Like this is come

29:48

on , right Like this is the truth . Here's

29:50

one red flag , if you don't

29:52

so , for example , for people who want

29:55

to create kids together . Want

29:57

to create kids together , Like you're OK with creating

30:00

kids with someone , but you don't want to

30:02

merge your finances . So

30:05

you don't want to have a joint account with your spouse , but

30:07

you want to have kids with them .

30:08

I'm waving a red flag .

30:09

I think that's a red flag . Yeah

30:12

, now , when that occurs , because

30:14

it's really both of them want to not

30:17

merge their finances , usually

30:19

it's one person who's like ah , you know

30:22

, my previous experience is here , you

30:24

know , I'm a custom that is so a custom

30:26

that at , or this is how mom raised

30:29

me , or my dad raised me . I want to have

30:31

, I need a separate bank account , or I need to have

30:33

all of my finances separate , or my loans

30:35

are my loans , your loans are your loans , but

30:38

we want to have kids Like

30:40

that , to me , is a big red flag . I don't care

30:42

what everybody says .

30:43

Come from the other streets .

30:44

And you know I'm telling the truth . If you're listening right now and

30:46

you like this , that's a big red flag before you get into a

30:48

relationship .

30:48

Well , yeah , I mean , it's one thing not to combine

30:50

your finances , but it's

30:53

like you going to put in half on preschool .

30:55

Like how does that work ?

30:58

It's one thing not to want to combine your

31:00

finances , but definitely

31:04

want to combine your DNA Like death

31:07

. That is really something that I don't

31:09

understand , and I know a lot of people going to come for

31:12

us . I'm like , ah , forget it , they're

31:14

not going to come for it .

31:15

They know they're speaking the truth .

31:16

Well , no , because there are people who don't agree with

31:18

that , but for me I'm like listen , hey guys , and

31:20

this is not like a religious talk whatsoever , because we

31:22

don't even just so y'all know like this

31:25

is .

31:25

you know some people are like oh well , they know , the book says you

31:27

take a rib off of whoever . And then this I'm

31:32

like hey , listen , we

31:35

talking common sense stuff here , right so

31:37

?

31:38

yeah , I definitely think that you

31:41

are ridiculous . I definitely

31:44

think that if you

31:46

can't trust the person

31:48

that you're with to

31:50

basically take

31:52

care of the finances in

31:55

a very responsible way , that's

31:57

probably not a person that you want to

31:59

marry . It's probably not a person

32:01

that you want to marry Now . You might want to date that

32:03

person long

32:06

term , but that's not

32:08

a person you want to marry , Wait

32:10

.

32:11

so you're looking at it from the woman's perspective or , excuse me , you're looking

32:13

at it from the spouse's perspective , or the person's perspective

32:15

who doesn't want to merge their finances with

32:17

?

32:17

someone .

32:17

But what if that person was raised , the person who

32:19

doesn't want to merge ? Or what

32:21

if they were raised to not want to Do

32:24

? You see what I'm ?

32:24

saying Right , but that's usually . But usually

32:26

, why so ?

32:26

what I'm saying is basically there's nothing that

32:29

the other partner can do .

32:30

Correct .

32:31

There's nothing that the other partner can do to convince

32:33

that person to say , hey , we should put our

32:35

money together , correct . So who's a red flag ?

32:37

No , no , no , no . It's not who's the red flag

32:40

, it's what's the red flag . The

32:42

situation is a red flag , right

32:44

Okay ? I'll give you an outlet to that that you

32:46

have one person who's like absolutely

32:49

not , don't want to put our stuff

32:51

together , the other person might also

32:53

not want to put their stuff together . I think that

32:55

situation is personally

32:58

, I think it's a red flag .

32:59

Okay , so that's a red flag for a relationship . So what I'm talking

33:01

about ? Let's say , for example , you were entering into

33:03

a relationship with me . Like me , I love you , I

33:05

want to marry you , I'll take your last name

33:07

, we'll have kids , but the one thing we can

33:10

do is we can't have like joint

33:12

accounts or anything like that . And I'm like

33:14

, but you know , and you look at all

33:16

my finances , everything is great , everything is on

33:18

the key on . Everything is great . A hundred

33:20

grand right .

33:21

And usually that's not what's happening that they're sharing

33:24

looking at finances , but whatever

33:26

. But let's say it was right . Okay , based off of my

33:28

habits .

33:29

You see that there's nothing that

33:31

would make you be like I may

33:33

not want to put my finances together with him

33:35

, because you don't see any of that .

33:37

Right .

33:38

So is it a red flag for our relationship or a red flag for

33:40

you ?

33:41

It's a red flag for the relationship , because I'm part

33:43

of the relationship and now you have a decision

33:46

to make . Right , you have a decision

33:48

to make as to whether or not this is the type of relationship that you do so

33:50

you're saying the burden is on me . No

33:56

, the burden is on both people , because if you say

33:58

to me well , no , I want to combine , right

34:00

, then it's like okay , well , we have a . We

34:03

have a fundamental dilemma

34:05

in this relationship that we

34:07

don't see money in

34:09

the exact same way , or we don't have

34:11

the same , we

34:14

don't have the same trustworthiness

34:17

of each other around

34:19

finances . Right , I don't want to put

34:21

my money together with you , because what

34:24

if you try something and

34:26

it's like are you going into

34:28

a marriage ? Like , well , what if ? What

34:30

if ? Because if you're already going in as

34:32

, what if ?

34:33

it's probably not a relationship that you want

34:35

to go into . Someone's going to put a lot of asa spades right now and be like well

34:37

, what about ? You know ? Domestic abuse

34:39

and all that stuff , absolutely . How do you

34:41

predict that part ?

34:43

And it's like you predict that part , because if you

34:45

got domestic abuse , typically it's

34:47

happening well before

34:49

you get married . Correct , correct , right , like typically

34:51

it's happening well before you get married . Well , people , can change though I

34:53

mean you can have no you know , listen , people can

34:55

change .

34:56

Basically you're saying there's crumbs of red flags before you get married Exactly

34:58

.

34:58

Right , somebody who is going to

35:00

abuse you , right ? Even

35:02

if they haven't hit you yet , which usually

35:05

signs of domestic abuse . Isn't

35:07

I'm going to hit you first . It's usually

35:09

something to the effect of

35:11

degrading you , verbally

35:14

abusing you . Yeah , the verbal

35:16

abuse usually comes first

35:18

, right ? So that's the

35:20

red flag in that relationship . So

35:23

that question isn't well

35:25

, do I want to put my finances together with this person

35:27

? It's , do I want to be with this person ? Because this

35:29

person is dangerous . So before we even

35:31

think about putting finances together

35:34

, you got to think about whether or not you're even going to be safe

35:36

with this person .

35:38

Okay . So I do think that okay

35:40

. So basically I think we kind of dead at

35:42

that conversation already . Right , like

35:45

you know , if you don't want to merge your finances with someone

35:47

, that's a red flag , basically .

35:48

I just think that it's very

35:51

curious that people are very

35:53

, very protective of

35:55

their money more so than they are

35:57

protective of the fact

36:00

that they are willing to reproduce

36:03

with someone because there are so many

36:05

people . So , for example- .

36:06

Actually , I would think more people are more what

36:09

I think people are more are just as protective

36:12

of their

36:14

finances as they are of like their

36:16

animals , even more so than their

36:18

kids .

36:19

Probably .

36:20

It's like one thing you can't have .

36:22

you can't have my dog , you can't have

36:24

my money and my car Car

36:27

is number three , but we can have kids together

36:29

we're going to get lit up we

36:32

can have kids together . No , but like , I

36:34

really find that very curious

36:37

because I'm just like , but

36:39

the signs were there and I know , listen

36:42

, I'm an OBGYN , so I know things happen

36:44

. I know that right . Like , you

36:46

have an encounter , that's

36:49

not what the encounter was for necessarily

36:51

. You may have even used protection

36:53

. The protection failed , I get that . I'm

36:56

not talking about that . I'm talking about

36:58

specifically and deliberately having

37:00

children with people , but

37:02

yet being more protective of

37:05

that person not being a part

37:07

of your financial life , even

37:09

though they're part of your family now because

37:12

you made children with them .

37:14

That's red flag . Red flag number two is

37:16

you take him out on his birthday or

37:19

you take him out for his birthday and he

37:21

won't let you pay for anything

37:23

, even on his birthday , even on

37:25

his birthday . And people

37:27

may be asking like me why

37:30

is that a red flag ? That's

37:32

a red flag because you got a controlling , you know what you

37:35

know . If he can't even just relax

37:38

enough to let you pay on his

37:40

birthday , then the question

37:42

is is why does he want to pay ? It is . Did

37:44

I say that ? Then the question

37:46

is then the question is

37:49

why is he so controlling

37:52

with his money ? Why does

37:54

he or she have to pay for

37:56

everything all the

37:58

time ? How will that translate into

38:00

other aspects of life ? Is

38:04

this person always have to be the person

38:06

who's in charge of the

38:08

major purchases in the family ? Does

38:11

this person have to be in charge of ? I'll just leave it at

38:13

that . Does the person have to be in charge of everything ? Basically

38:15

, is he going to be going through scouring

38:17

your statements that yo , why

38:19

you spend money on X , y and Z ? Why'd

38:21

you spend money at you know Golden

38:23

Crust ? Why'd you get them beef patties ? Because

38:27

, he wanted a beef patty man , why are you getting them beef

38:29

patties ? Yo Don't you know , but

38:31

I think that that's a red flag

38:33

that a lot of people don't pay attention to . Yeah , but it's real

38:35

subtle , it's very subtle , that's

38:37

what . I'm going to say but it's like mmm

38:40

dude can't even take a day off on his birthday

38:43

.

38:43

Yeah , let's let you pay so you know what's really funny

38:45

is that by itself , like

38:47

you saying that by itself , people

38:49

are going to be like what you mean ? That's so stupid

38:52

. But here's what happens . What

38:55

happens is , after you get

38:57

out of a relationship with that

38:59

mug because he was so controlling

39:01

, one of the first

39:03

things you're going to say is man

39:05

, even on his birthday he wouldn't let

39:08

me do X , y and Z .

39:08

You're going to notice it then I think people would but

39:10

see here's the thing , though I

39:13

think the way how people would miss it is that

39:15

people who are dating that person would be

39:17

like oh , that's like . This person is a take charge type

39:19

person . He's very assertive . He's

39:22

very assertive chivalrous . You know

39:24

, he just , I just know that he's going to take

39:26

care of me .

39:27

Yes .

39:27

And it's like yo , it's 2023 .

39:28

Like we not trying to take care of like we not

39:30

trying to take care of people in 2023

39:33

.

39:33

You need to be able to pay for your own stuff , but like , for

39:35

example , if you're entering into a relationship

39:37

with someone man that look at me

39:40

.

39:43

I cannot go in the cheesecake factory . There's

39:46

nothing . I will do so

39:49

, respectfully . I'm

39:51

just dropping off at home . I don't

39:53

know who you're getting at . Yes , you do . Yeah

39:55

, you want to call in ? I want

39:57

you to walk your ass home .

39:59

That is another episode of them . Cheesecake factory

40:01

women First of all why ? Are

40:03

you filming this Right ?

40:04

Like you're , you're disapproving . Well , there's a question of

40:06

whether or not it was fake , but there's another

40:09

one . Right Is there .

40:10

There's another one that's out there , oh no , in

40:12

the . In the second one , the girl who's I'm like

40:14

you got the nerve to be asking why we going

40:16

to the cheese safe cheese game . I'm like

40:18

that's an upgrade for you lady . The way

40:20

how she looks Me , yo , I'm

40:22

just game , recognized game . Yo

40:25

, thank God . Yo , she looked like she knew to

40:27

go to Goldman Crust , goldman .

40:29

Crust or McDonald's . What's wrong with Goldman Crust ?

40:31

Anyway , but the point , the point is

40:33

is this the point is this

40:35

, Is this , is this the point is this

40:37

Is that

40:39

? That is a really subtle sign I think of , like well

40:42

, this person's going to take care of the situation

40:44

for me , right , Like you , you give up control . This person is

40:46

always going to take care of everything . I

40:48

can make plans and they're just going to Automatically

40:51

.

40:52

So it's like well what you want .

40:54

You want a daddy or you want a husband . You know

40:56

what I'm saying ? Well , that's one thing that I

40:58

always Well , well

41:01

, you know , I mean , even when I was dating

41:03

, like you say , I stood , I stayed away from

41:05

girls who had the daddy complex , like that is just

41:07

weird , yeah .

41:09

So it's . It's really funny because I was watching

41:11

something where the guy was there . This young

41:14

lady was in a relationship

41:16

with a man and I guess the relationship

41:18

didn't work out , and part

41:20

of what she articulated was

41:22

that she wanted someone

41:25

who was going to take care of her , and

41:28

she literally said someone who

41:30

was like a father figure to her

41:32

. That's what she was looking for in a relation

41:34

, in a romantic relationship with

41:37

someone .

41:37

And I ? That just sounds off to me , man . Well

41:40

, to me it sounds off , yeah .

41:41

That's her reality , but it sounds off

41:43

to me .

41:44

We're judging , but it's the truth .

41:48

And I just found it , I

41:51

just found it actually amazing that she actually

41:53

articulated that I think a lot of women

41:55

who you know , who think in that

41:57

way , who , oh no , I need somebody who's going to take

41:59

care of me he got to take care of me Don't

42:02

actually articulate that they are looking

42:04

for a father figure , right , because Well

42:07

, then , and also within it's

42:09

also vice versa , then , right , what For

42:11

men who want a

42:14

woman who doesn't have to work , doesn't have

42:16

to do anything but just be at home ?

42:17

Right , you know , I'm talking about specifically , not

42:20

like things change because you have kids , right

42:23

?

42:23

Right , right , right . No , not that I'm talking about . Yeah , I'm

42:25

talking about , like , the relationship between the two people

42:27

You're dating someone who has a job

42:29

, who's working , who's very happy in their career

42:31

.

42:32

And there are guys who are like , yeah , if I

42:34

marry a woman , she's not going to have to work .

42:35

Right and I have to take care of her .

42:37

Why don't she ? Why don't she have to work ?

42:39

Right , I don't have to take . I want to take care of her . I want to

42:41

take care of her , I want to take care of her , kind of thing

42:43

. That's that to me and we've

42:45

talked about this before offline . But that

42:48

to me is a father-daughter relationship . That's

42:50

a man who's looking for a daughter

42:52

and a , you know , a woman

42:54

who is looking for a father , and

42:56

for me I'm just kind of like that's a really

42:58

weird dynamic for

43:00

me in a relationship , for me anyway . I

43:02

mean for other people it may work for y'all

43:05

, but my problem with that relationship

43:07

is that if you're her father

43:10

and I have

43:12

a father , so I

43:14

know your father tells you what to do and

43:16

what you can't do , and

43:19

that's the way that relationship goes . You

43:21

can do this , you cannot do that , and

43:23

so if he's that

43:26

controlling , he's

43:28

going to tell you what you can and cannot do . He's

43:31

going to tell you where you can and cannot go . He's

43:33

going to tell you who you can and cannot be friends

43:35

with .

43:35

You think guys look for a mommy in a relationship ?

43:38

Yes , I do think that guys look for a mommy in a

43:40

relationship as well , absolutely , that's

43:43

another red flag .

43:44

That's weird .

43:44

Yes , I do think that there are some men

43:47

who do look for a mother in a relationship

43:49

. Absolutely .

43:50

Once again , guys if you're hearing

43:52

this , don't be mad . Just look

43:54

internally . Just sit back and enjoy it . Look internally

43:57

and decide which are going to be in there , just sit back and

43:59

laugh . The third red flag . The third

44:01

red flag is he asks

44:03

you to marry him and you don't

44:05

know anything or much about

44:07

his family . That's a big red flag .

44:11

That's a red flag right there . I

44:13

don't know your people .

44:15

Because you know there's a lot of people who go away from

44:17

medical school and you know when you go

44:19

away from medical school you're going to be in another

44:21

state , maybe several states away . You

44:24

develop relationships with people . You

44:26

may even start to live with someone and

44:29

you realize this person rarely goes home

44:31

or if they go home , they're

44:33

not taking you . They're not taking you . And

44:36

then you're like I love this person , this person is great With

44:38

you , you want to engage

44:41

with this person and

44:43

you possibly may want to marry this

44:45

person after several years or however long

44:48

it does now in 2023 .

44:49

Right Six months .

44:51

But the thing that I always have a question of is like how

44:54

do you know what you're actually marrying Like

44:56

? When you marry someone , you're not just marrying that

44:58

person . You're marrying into that

45:00

family , you're taking on that genetics , all

45:02

of these different things on a deeper scale is more

45:04

than just than I do . Are

45:06

you prepared for all the consequences when you haven't even

45:09

seen how this person interacts with their

45:11

family ? Now , obviously there's like extenuating

45:13

circumstances , right , but I'm

45:15

talking about , in general , a person who has a brother Right

45:17

. We're not talking about somebody who lives halfway across

45:20

the world , or maybe even someone who may get to

45:22

someone who you know

45:24

, I don't know , someone who may have

45:26

a difficult upbringing and just don't have a relationship with

45:28

their family , right , like

45:30

well , you know , that's what I'm talking about , right . That's like an extenuating circumstance

45:32

, but I'm talking about like a regular relationship

45:35

, has brothers , has sisters , has

45:37

a mom and a dad Like he is school in New Jersey , but

45:39

his family live in New York , right

45:41

, and you ain't ever met them . That's weird

45:44

, right , that's weird . Or he doesn't

45:46

talk about them , right , right , like an Aaron

45:48

Rodgers type of situation , right ?

45:49

You don't know about them .

45:50

But we can get into that later on . But basically

45:53

that's what I'm talking about . Like you just never

45:55

see them interact with their family , they

45:57

don't talk much about their family and

45:59

you going to spend the rest of your life with this person .

46:01

Yeah , that's a red flag . Gotta be careful about that . That's

46:03

a red flag . So

46:06

for you and me , we actually

46:08

knew each other's families

46:10

pretty early on .

46:11

I didn't think of and when we were dating , I really

46:13

didn't think of much about this for obvious reasons , but

46:16

like you as a , you brought this up and I

46:18

was like huh , that actually makes sense .

46:20

Yeah , so yeah , you and I , you

46:22

and I got to know our families actually very

46:24

early on . I think the

46:26

first encounter for us was when my brother

46:28

dropped me off at school

46:30

. Yeah , and that's

46:33

the first time we met in person actually . So

46:35

, you , the first person you met in my family

46:37

was my brother .

46:38

Yes , yes .

46:40

And then the second person you met . Was

46:42

my mother ? Yes , because she came like

46:45

the next day or two days later and

46:47

then we met . I met your mother ? Yes

46:49

, because she came like maybe a month

46:51

later for your birthday , and

46:54

then we just kept interacting

46:56

with each other's families , and this is early on

46:58

. Yeah , we weren't even dating at this time In Mexico .

47:01

This is , like the first , everything that you're saying in terms of who

47:03

we met .

47:04

Yeah .

47:04

On my side or her side . This is like the first month , or

47:07

two months or so .

47:07

Yeah , a medical school , and so

47:10

.

47:11

But you got to see how I interacted with my mom .

47:13

Right .

47:14

You got to see how I love my mom , how I love my , my sisters

47:16

, my dad , all of those different

47:18

things .

47:19

I even lived with your family At one

47:21

point .

47:21

Yeah , and then I

47:23

got to see how you interact with your family also . And

47:26

you start to see , okay , like this is a . She

47:28

comes from good stock , right , and

47:31

it has nothing to do with how they work , how much money they make

47:33

or anything like that . It's

47:35

like you see them and how they interact with each other . Is

47:37

it a loving type of environment ? Right , they encourage

47:39

each other , you know , is it a ? Is it toxic ? Is

47:41

it toxic right ? Right , like that I

47:43

did not see .

47:44

Yeah , yep , same here , same

47:47

here , you know , and I just felt like

47:49

especially having it wasn't perfect

47:51

, but it was just Right , is a

47:53

normal family . Right , it's a normal family . It's

47:56

like , yeah , families can have , you know , descent and

47:58

things like that , but how you know , is it toxic

48:01

? That's the question . And

48:03

so I didn't see any of that in your family

48:05

, you didn't see any of that in my family

48:08

, and I think that that's really important . When

48:10

you're bringing two families together , you

48:12

know , or when you're , when two people are coming together

48:14

, you're bringing two families together , it's

48:17

not just the two people . So I

48:19

think if , yeah , if you don't know this person's

48:21

family , you know , or you met one

48:24

person and that's it

48:26

.

48:26

What if you met everybody ? But it's very toxic

48:29

. But your man or your woman , she's not

48:31

. They're not toxic . What are your thoughts on that ?

48:32

You got a decision to make . You have

48:34

a decision to make because the

48:36

question of toxic

48:39

Because can one person overcome their

48:41

toxic family ?

48:41

Yes , there's always there's .

48:43

There's an outlier , right , right , and

48:45

you know I forget

48:47

what they call it . In there's a

48:49

Maryland must monster . Everybody

48:52

got Maryland monster in their family .

48:55

I can't remember .

48:56

Maryland monster was the only normal looking monster

48:58

in the monsters . Yeah .

49:01

Black and white shows I

49:04

watched . Leave it to beaver .

49:05

Leave it to beaver . That's the only black

49:07

and white show you watched yeah . No

49:09

but but

49:12

um , yeah . So , yes

49:14

, can that person be the outlier

49:16

? Absolutely that person can . But

49:18

that's not the only question

49:20

, because you're not just marrying that person

49:23

, you're marrying the family . So

49:25

, while your husband or your wife

49:28

, who might come from a toxic relationship

49:30

, is themselves not toxic , the

49:33

question is , what interactions are you going

49:35

to have with the family ? Because

49:38

you're going to have inter , you're going to have to go for dinner

49:40

, you might have children , and that's

49:43

going to cause something , right

49:45

? Children especially , I think

49:47

, bring out toxicity in people because

49:49

people feel like they want to impose their

49:51

own family values

49:53

and you know things like that , their own

49:55

principles . Oh , you should do this with

49:57

the child . No , don't do that . We don't do that

49:59

, you know kind of thing . And it's like that

50:02

could be a blind spot .

50:03

Right , I don't know if it's a red flag , more like

50:05

a blind spot . Well , I don't know . Anyway , it will

50:07

leave it as a blind spot or we'll leave it as a red flag

50:09

as a red flag . Actually , that's a red

50:11

flag . Yeah Well , how about this ? We've got some honorable

50:13

mentions . How about this show ?

50:16

Red flag . Honorable mention . This is honorable

50:18

mention .

50:18

Give us some music in the background . These are red

50:20

flags that you know . You could kind of be like oh man

50:23

, these aren't that bad , but they , they red flags . When

50:25

she introduces you to everyone and she tells

50:28

everyone what your profession is , oh

50:30

, this is my husband .

50:32

Dr Needs Arco

50:34

.

50:36

All right , friend , friend dresser , friend dresser

50:38

over here .

50:39

Oh bomb , you can't park there , it's illegal

50:41

. Friend , I'm a doctor , I can park anywhere

50:44

.

50:47

Give it up Nothing .

50:48

Annie .

50:49

If he marries you because you're pregnant

50:51

, only because you're pregnant

50:54

Only because , Not

50:56

just while you're pregnant only because I

50:58

feel like that should have been in the top three red flags . But

51:01

you convinced me , otherwise I convinced you

51:03

otherwise Get out of here , yeah . This

51:05

is something that I think should have been in the

51:07

top three also .

51:09

But if that's the case , then do the whole episode over

51:11

knee .

51:11

When you're playing .

51:13

There's a red flag when somebody tell you that it should have been in

51:15

the top three , but they ain't put it in there .

51:17

When you are planning the wedding this is from

51:19

a guy's perspective when you're planning the wedding

51:21

with your future wife

51:23

and you want kids , and

51:26

your wife says you know , I want a wedding

51:28

that doesn't have kids , like at the wedding

51:30

, like we've been there right , like

51:32

or we've seen that occur , like I just

51:34

don't want kids around , I don't want them , like , running

51:36

all over the place . So I kind of want an adult only

51:38

type of wedding . If you hear that while

51:40

you're planning a wedding or you know , you just

51:42

casually talking , and they say that

51:45

they want that in their future run , that's

51:47

a big red flag . That's a

51:49

big red flag . It's a big red flag . What

51:51

do you think ? Because you

51:53

, you brought that up a while ago and I just remembered

51:55

that and I was like hmm , prepping for this , for

51:58

this episode . We should put this on a list

52:00

.

52:00

Yeah . So yes , I

52:02

do think that that is a red flag

52:04

, specifically for someone

52:08

who wants

52:10

to be a fan , like a dad , a family

52:12

man kind of dad , right , like

52:15

, I think that is a red flag . The reason

52:17

I say that is because if

52:19

having kids at the wedding

52:21

is so much

52:23

of an inconvenience , I'm like you ain't

52:26

seen inconvenient yet . Yeah

52:29

, you ain't seen

52:31

inconvenient yet . So

52:33

if you can't take the inconvenience of children

52:35

at your wedding , then you probably

52:38

it's not for you .

52:39

You ain't cut out for this . It's not for you , jack Run

52:42

. Last but not

52:44

least , talking about kids how

52:46

to raise kids . Right

52:49

, the differences in raising kids . So here's an example

52:51

You're talking with your significant other , the person who

52:53

you're dating , and they say that they believe

52:56

that when y'all have kids , that

52:58

the 16 year old

53:00

can get like a Mercedes Benz .

53:01

Wait , what as a ?

53:02

car Right Hell , no , like

53:06

we're going to be two professionals , high , you know , high , early professionals . Why

53:08

can't the 16 year old get a Mercedes Right

53:10

?

53:10

Yeah , bmx bike .

53:13

Yeah .

53:15

That's cool .

53:19

Or whatever you know really new

53:21

genre that's out there Like it doesn't .

53:23

You're from Philly .

53:24

All of a sudden , we don't even

53:26

live in .

53:26

South .

53:27

Jersey . I'm mixing , Daniel . You know what's the John

53:29

for I'm mixing .

53:30

I go through that .

53:30

I've never heard you say that I take I-95

53:33

.

53:33

Ever I've driven to Philly

53:36

, I went to Lehigh . There was a lot of people

53:38

from Philly when I went there , okay .

53:40

Yeah , I've literally never

53:42

in 20 years heard you say John Like then

53:45

, next you're going to be like , yeah , that bull , what's

53:48

bull ? Where's that from Bull ? That's

53:50

Philly , is it ? Yeah

53:52

, bull , how ?

53:53

do you know ?

53:53

that I

53:55

watched . What's her name ? Brunson

53:57

? What's her name ? They're strong

54:00

, crazy . Who the

54:02

girl ? Oh my God , anyway

54:06

, the show , the show . What's up there with the

54:09

show , if you ?

54:09

can't agree on how to raise your kids or

54:12

how kids would be raised .

54:14

Yes .

54:15

Specifically like little subtle things , like more

54:17

specifically like should a kid get

54:19

a new car when they turn 16

54:21

? Yeah , that's a red flag .

54:23

Yeah .

54:24

Red flag , red flag , red flag . Those are the honorable

54:26

mentions , guys . Those are the honorable mentions

54:28

of the red flags that you need to worry about . Because

54:31

listen , ultimately , what this is about is

54:33

making sure that you keep your wealth right

54:35

. Because divorce although divorce rates

54:37

are lower in the

54:39

doctor field as compared to other healthcare

54:42

professionals , and definitely lower

54:44

in comparison to the general population . Like

54:46

having a divorce and marrying the wrong

54:48

partner , that can set you back Big

54:50

time , big time .

54:53

It has such a huge impact

54:55

, especially if you can get them loans paid off

54:57

.

54:58

Oh my God , you got mad loans

55:00

and you got a big divorce settlement .

55:03

Dang . We already got the divorce right , sheesh

55:05

. But I think not being on

55:07

the same page whatever that page is

55:10

, whatever that page is with

55:14

your partner , your spouse , can

55:18

really impact just

55:20

your ability to function at your highest

55:23

capacity .

55:23

Yes , that

55:25

stress yeah .

55:26

Right . If you're constantly stressed

55:28

, if you're constantly fighting , if

55:30

you feel like you're stifled , if

55:33

you're going in a direction that you really don't

55:35

wanna go , if you are

55:37

raising your children in an environment that

55:40

you're like I don't necessarily agree with

55:42

this environment that my child is being

55:44

raised in or

55:47

you are all of a sudden you're just doing

55:49

things that you just really don't wanna do . You

55:51

don't feel comfortable . That

55:54

can really weigh a lot on

55:56

you .

55:57

That affects how you work , that affects the shifts that

55:59

you take , that affects how you take your patients that

56:01

affects a lot of different things .

56:02

Do you wanna even come home ?

56:04

Do you wanna come home ? It affects a lot of different things .

56:06

It affects your capacity to live . It

56:11

affects your health .

56:13

Some people maybe listening and wondering like

56:15

why y'all talking about this ? But

56:17

these are the soft skills that I think people

56:19

don't talk about . Yep , you're not

56:22

gonna learn this from medical school but you may learn

56:24

these stories from your attendings , if you have attendings

56:26

who are unhappy and are I'm on my third

56:28

marriage , or worse , I'm

56:31

on my third divorce .

56:32

There it is .

56:33

I've seen people on their fourth divorce .

56:34

You know somebody right now who's on their fourth

56:36

divorce .

56:37

So it happens where people like these

56:39

type of things occur , and

56:41

all we're just saying is that sometimes , if you look back

56:44

, you can see that there's like there

56:46

are red flags there are crumbs that say this

56:49

probably was doomed from the get go

56:51

. You just gotta be careful about those things

56:53

and the things that are very blatant , like

56:56

you just definitely gotta have your . You

56:59

gotta be really paying attention to these things . And

57:01

a lot of these things come up in just simple conversation

57:03

and when you end up talking

57:06

to a friend about it , sometimes they may

57:08

say yo , you

57:10

think that's a problem . Right , when

57:12

you're telling a friend , like you don't think that's a problem

57:14

.

57:14

I've had I Right , like that's

57:16

happened , oh my . God , I've had that conversation .

57:19

Like your girl was planning a wedding and she don't want kids . How

57:22

?

57:22

I recently had not that specific conversation

57:25

, but I did have the conversation with

57:27

a friend recently about

57:29

two of the relationships that

57:31

she had had over the last couple of years

57:34

. And you know it's tough

57:36

to identify . You know

57:38

red flags for your friends

57:40

when you see it , because it's

57:43

a red flag for me . I don't

57:45

know if it's a red flag for you , you

57:47

know . But I told

57:50

her I was like , do you remember when we had this

57:52

conversation , about the

57:54

conversation that you were having with this gentleman

57:56

? And she's like , yeah , and I'm like remember

57:58

how I said to you that

58:00

I was asking if you were sure

58:03

that this was something that was sustainable for

58:05

you , are you sure ?

58:06

Are you sure ?

58:07

And you said yes .

58:08

And that was the thing that ended up basically

58:11

pulling them apart .

58:12

So you , had your Molly , you in danger , molly

58:15

.

58:16

You in danger , girl .

58:18

But you didn't want to say it just like that , right .

58:19

No , because I didn't know , because she was saying

58:22

that it was something that was sustainable for her

58:24

, even though I thought it was a red flag

58:26

and I was bringing her attention to

58:28

it . But she normalized

58:30

it and was like no , like

58:32

I think that that's completely normal . But

58:35

then that specific situation

58:38

is the thing that actually caused

58:40

them to have strife and

58:43

I was like , yeah , because this is abnormal

58:45

, this is not normal . But

58:47

Abbot Elementary , that's the school . I

58:50

mean , that's the show .

58:51

Our show was great , but how did you do that ? It is , yeah , the

58:53

band watch all these different shows .

58:54

It's what's the name ? It's set in Philadelphia

58:57

and they say bull in . Philadelphia , yeah

58:59

.

59:00

All right , y'all . Let us know what you think . Write us

59:02

in the . Send us a text . Let us

59:04

know what you think about this episode as

59:06

well as Last us . Email

59:08

us at team at drnedarkocom

59:10

.

59:11

Send us your angriest texts

59:13

.

59:14

Or you can shoot us . Excuse

59:16

me , not shoot us . You can DM

59:18

us .

59:19

You can slip and slide into our DM .

59:21

Send us a message through Instagram

59:23

at docs outside the box

59:25

. Are we docs outside the box podcast or just docs ?

59:27

outside the box .

59:27

We just docs outside the box , at docs , outside the

59:29

box , y'all . We're gonna catch you guys

59:31

on another episode . Guys , this was a fun one

59:33

. Remember , this was a little bit of some gaslighting

59:36

, a little bit of some trigger warning , but

59:38

listen , a lot of this stuff was actually

59:41

truthful to you . We'll

59:43

catch you guys on the next one , guys , peace

59:46

.