0:00

I'm Shonda Rhymes and we're bringing you Dominant

0:02

Stories, created by Shawn land Audio in partnership

0:04

with the Dove Self Esteem Project. I

0:10

guess my, in my ideal world,

0:12

right, we all have these conversations and

0:14

we have all these teachable moments, and we get

0:16

to change the whole society because no one's

0:19

going to be fun flow beginning more. It's going to be wonderful.

0:21

But we're exhausted too. But we

0:24

just want to let you know that this

0:26

is your day, this is your body, and

0:28

this is your choice however you decide

0:30

to handle this. Hey,

0:35

I'm Jess Weener and this is Dominant

0:37

Stories, the podcast that helps us

0:39

reclaim and rewrite the stories we

0:42

tell ourselves about ourselves, about

0:44

our bodies, our beauty, our creativity,

0:47

and our identities. You

0:55

know, we talk a lot with the guests on this show

0:57

about their childhood, because

1:00

I think for so many of us, that's where these

1:02

dominant stories, the stories that we tell ourselves

1:04

about ourselves. Often they come

1:06

from the experiences we've had growing up.

1:09

Either we've inherited some

1:11

negative voices from our parents, who likely

1:13

often inherited them from their parents, or

1:16

maybe as a kid we've had some formidable

1:18

experience in school or

1:20

in sports, or friendships or relationships.

1:23

So cut to the moment that I'm recording

1:25

this episode right now, which is smack dab

1:27

in the middle of the holiday season, and many

1:30

of us are getting ready to see family, friends,

1:32

or loved ones that we haven't seen in a while.

1:34

And even in non pandemic

1:37

years, the holidays for some people

1:39

can be very triggering, very frustrating,

1:41

and downright chaotic. That's

1:44

why I was inspired to do this

1:46

special edition episode of the podcast around

1:48

the holidays and the dominant stories that can tend

1:50

to come up for us during this time of

1:52

year. So whether you are dreading

1:55

a family convo about your way

1:57

or your appearance, or they're gonna ask

2:00

you about your relationship status or your career trajectory,

2:02

this show is for you. We're

2:04

also going to be talking about how to celebrate

2:07

and challenge and change these stories

2:09

so that we can make the most of the

2:11

time that we have with the people that we

2:13

love. I asked

2:15

you to submit your questions for today, and I'm going to answer

2:18

them along with the help of a very special

2:20

guest. Joining me today is entrepreneur

2:23

and model and new parent Scar

2:25

Lawrence kra is a champion

2:28

for mental wellness and self esteem and

2:30

self care. She's made waves and her very

2:32

successful career as a model and body

2:34

image advocate, and she shares her

2:36

life to millions of fans on social media

2:39

about a range of her new experiences

2:41

as a parent, as a business owner,

2:43

having just launched a new product called the Self

2:45

Funding Planner, which we're going to talk about. But

2:47

one of the reasons that I wanted Escra to join me

2:50

and answering your questions is

2:52

because she and I have had some really fascinating

2:54

conversations around the way that we

2:57

can reframe our identities

2:59

in life, whether that's about our work, or our

3:02

relationships, or our body image.

3:04

So we're gonna take some turns answering your

3:06

burning questions today about holiday

3:09

related dominant stories. As

3:12

always, if you enjoy the podcast, let me know what

3:14

you think by subscribing or writing

3:16

a review wherever you're listening. Are

3:19

you ready let's dig in? Yeah?

3:28

Okay, my love, I'm so happy to have you on this

3:30

show. Absolutely, We've been asking

3:33

from our audience for a while now to send

3:35

us some of you know, their stories and dominant

3:37

stories that are coming up during the holidays and things that

3:39

they're working through and struggling with.

3:41

But that's what I wanted to dig in with you. So we're gonna

3:44

get to those questions in a moment. But I'm curious

3:46

for you when you think about the holidays, like

3:48

just top of mind, what are the words that immediately

3:51

come up for you when I say the holidays?

3:55

Family, food, not

4:00

naps? Do you really get to nap?

4:02

I mean this year, that's my absolute

4:05

goal. I'm finishing out

4:07

this week strong, filled with work,

4:09

then I'm going to switch my phone off.

4:12

I'm going to take every opportunity

4:15

to nap and just really

4:17

replenish, recover, restore

4:20

all the odds the good arena. I

4:22

love that for me this year, it's

4:24

exactly what you just said. It's replenished,

4:27

it's unplug and

4:29

I'm really looking forward to having a moment

4:31

to reflect. I usually love this time

4:33

of year just to take some internal inventory

4:36

of things that really worked for me,

4:38

things that I want to shift or grow

4:40

more into or away from.

4:42

So I love this time as a real like moment

4:45

of reflection. That's beautiful. Yeah,

4:48

you know, and listen, I think for everybody it comes

4:50

up really differently and so that's partly

4:52

why we wanted to dig into some of these

4:54

things today. But I wanted to talk a little

4:56

bit Escra about your career as a model

4:59

and activist, a spokesperson for a while,

5:01

has been a lot about bringing up the topic of body

5:03

image and self esteem in a public

5:05

manner. Anybody that follows your work

5:07

online and your work over the years knows you're

5:10

very forthright, You're very authentic, You're very real,

5:12

which is a lot of what I think excites

5:14

and inspires people. And I think

5:17

during the holidays, I want to dive right into

5:19

the issue of of you know, body image during

5:21

the holidays, it's incredibly triggering for

5:23

people. It's a time around food and

5:25

family, but food and family can be very

5:27

triggering for folks. Right, Yes, I

5:30

just read a recent staff that is not surprising

5:32

to me. Percent of women in the US

5:34

have gained weight during the pandemic. And

5:37

so I think if normally folks

5:39

go home and get an unsolicited

5:41

comment about their weight anyway, pre

5:43

pandemic, a lot of us might be seeing our

5:46

families with some shifted physical appearances

5:49

that could elicit some of these convocts. So there's a

5:51

whole swarm of dominant stories waiting

5:53

for folks and for you. Do

5:55

you have any dominant stories that have come

5:58

up for you about your body during the hose?

6:00

Was the holidays ever kind of a triggering

6:02

time for you around body image?

6:05

Growing up? I certainly remember

6:07

having puppy fat. That's

6:09

what my family called it. What does that mean?

6:12

Apparently it's when you're a chubby

6:14

kid and the puppy fat

6:16

will just melt off as you turn

6:19

into a teenager, because that's what's naturally

6:21

meant to happen. So it's kind of

6:23

like, oh, it's just puppy

6:25

fat, but obviously you have to get rid

6:27

of it, because you know, society

6:30

is fatphobic. So I definitely

6:32

know that I always had

6:34

a good appetite and people always kind

6:37

of spoke to me in that sense,

6:40

and it felt

6:42

light and playful. But understanding

6:44

that if anyone is

6:46

basing any type of value or work on

6:49

appearance, it's not a positive thing, especially

6:52

for young people as they're developing. When

6:55

anything is referred to about your size

6:57

and your weight immediately

7:00

is going to make you hyper aware of

7:02

that. And we are so much

7:04

more as beings than just the physical.

7:08

So that's why I think this is

7:10

so relevant during the holidays because

7:12

unfortunately, we live in a society

7:15

where our value and worth is

7:17

appearance based. That's where we

7:20

are really judged immediately

7:23

by, like you said, any shift in appearance.

7:25

And for some reason we feel super

7:28

super super comfortable to tell people

7:30

and and be very verbal about it. And

7:33

I think that is due to the media. When

7:35

we think about the headlines that we

7:37

are constantly fed, they

7:39

are nearly, especially for women, always appearance

7:42

based. However, I know there's Tom

7:44

Holland at the moment having to defend his

7:46

height, so even there there's a perfect

7:48

example that some physical appearance

7:51

is again being judged, being picked apart,

7:54

being made the center focal point of

7:56

probably a loving, beautiful, happy relationship.

7:59

But we have to take it back to

8:01

the bare basics of physical

8:04

appearance. So I think unfortunately

8:07

it's weirdly people's comfort zone

8:09

for for small talk, and so if

8:11

you haven't seen family members for a long

8:13

time, they immediately go to that because that's their comfort

8:16

thing. It's what's discussed in society all the time.

8:18

So it's like, hey, wow, you lost weight, how

8:20

do you do that? You look great toes or

8:22

vice versa. Someone's going to go, oh

8:25

nazis put on a few hounds. And

8:27

we live in such a visual culture right

8:29

now. There's a lot of emphasis

8:32

on transformation and

8:34

before and afters. And you

8:36

know, your conversation around puppy fat,

8:38

I was imagining a somewhat similar thing to a

8:40

kid baby fat, right or they're like they've got baby

8:43

fat, very similar. Yeah,

8:45

it makes me think about how we should be and need

8:47

to be more mindful of how we talked to

8:49

kids during this time of year. Right. So,

8:51

if you've got a kid who's putting on

8:54

a lot of food on their plate because they're really excited

8:56

and they're hungry, how do we normalize

8:58

that and not stigmatize that and

9:00

make it anything other than just enjoying

9:03

that moment? And I know that that gets complicated for people.

9:05

They have lots of beliefs around food and

9:07

nutrition and all that kind of stuff. But words

9:09

matter, don't they Absolutely.

9:11

I'm already very conscious

9:14

and I have a one and a half year old, and

9:16

it does get tricky, and I'm you know, this

9:18

is a gray area for me as someone who struggled

9:20

with an eating disorder, figuring out

9:23

what maybe triggered me when I was younger. What do

9:25

I vividly remember were points

9:27

when I decided if food was good or

9:30

bad? Or when

9:32

I remember learning that I should feel

9:34

guilty for eating a

9:36

brownie or it's a

9:38

treat to have a McDonald's,

9:40

Like, how did I learn that? And how do I

9:43

make sure that? How I'm communicating

9:45

with my child because I need to make him

9:47

aware, but at the same time, I

9:49

just need to give him absolutely everything

9:52

to understand that food is not emotional,

9:54

to detach the good and

9:56

the bad and those emotions and those guilt

9:59

and no feeling around food. Because

10:01

I do know my great aunt, you

10:03

know, I've seen her say to one

10:06

of my younger cousins, you can't eat

10:08

that biscuit, You'll get fat. It's

10:11

trying to come from a good place

10:13

because, like we said, society

10:15

basis success and

10:18

worth attraction on

10:21

appearance, and right now,

10:23

our beauty ideal and generally it has been a

10:25

slimmer. We're a fat phobic society, So

10:28

that is meant to come from a good place. I I'm

10:31

protecting you from these sugary,

10:34

high calorie foods that will make you gain

10:36

weight, because no one wants to gain weight. It's the

10:38

worst thing you can do right, almost

10:41

going to be impossible for me to not have a

10:43

scenario where my child is going to hear

10:46

that somehow correct. So

10:49

I think it's really understanding food

10:51

as a valuable fuel and

10:54

talking about the colors,

10:56

the nourishment, the vitamins,

10:58

like all the parts that make it one of full.

11:00

And then also we get to eat

11:03

a brownie when we want to because it's

11:05

something that we enjoy, but we also enjoy

11:07

fueling our food with broccoli and fresh

11:09

foods because those are super nutritious

11:11

and that feels amazing for our body.

11:14

So really just trying to get that intuitive

11:16

eating When do you feel

11:19

full? Can you understand that this is

11:21

nourishing? You have to eat? We all have

11:23

to eat. Yeah, you know it's funny because

11:25

it's not only just this holiday

11:27

season of family gatherings and

11:29

whatnot, but like soon after we

11:32

barrel straight into New Year's and

11:34

resolutions and the focus

11:37

on turning a new page and starting

11:39

a new which I love as a metaphor but I

11:41

hate as a concept of pressure. And

11:43

I was curious what your take is

11:45

on New Year's resolutions? Do you

11:48

make them? Do you believe in them? The

11:50

only thing I do at the top of the

11:52

year is like you said, I'd like to reflect.

11:54

So it's interesting you reflect in December.

11:58

I almost don't want to do it yet because

12:00

I want to be hopefully super unproductive.

12:05

I get really excited to completely switch

12:07

off, like the last ten

12:10

days of December, like really switch off.

12:12

In the beginning of the new year. I get excited to think,

12:14

Okay, let's look back, so that's

12:16

my reflection, and now let's

12:19

plan. Let's do some goal setting. And

12:21

this isn't about I need to completely

12:24

change who I am or what I did or

12:26

what I look like or anything like that. It's just more

12:28

like, I'm excited for this

12:30

year. There is so much opportunity.

12:33

Abundance is everywhere. Let's

12:36

make the most of it. Plan it out

12:38

so it feels like there's less pressure, and

12:40

those big goals break them down so

12:42

they feel more digestible. So

12:46

one I'm not sure yet

12:48

where it's going to be. Was

12:51

such a weird year. It

12:53

was so transitional, I think for many of us.

12:55

And I almost didn't

12:57

have a plan for the year because I just had

12:59

a bay b and I was following my

13:01

baby's lead. To be honest, yeah,

13:04

of course, and you know Jenna Kutcher,

13:06

our mutual friend who I absolutely adore.

13:09

She was like, the first year is

13:11

for baby, the second year is

13:13

for you to get back. It's

13:15

your year. So I feel like that's what is

13:17

going to be. It's going to be my year to really

13:20

rEFInd myself. I love that.

13:22

You know. Yes, listen, you had

13:24

a massive identity shift in so many ways,

13:26

But let's talk about it. Let's talk about the part

13:29

of you that shifted heavy into executing

13:31

as an entrepreneur. You launched

13:33

the self Funding Planner. You've

13:35

obviously talked about planning as a very key

13:38

value for you. So let's talk about what

13:40

you just put out into the world, because not only

13:42

did you make a human baby, but you

13:44

launched a product. And tell me what that

13:46

means for you. The self Funding Planner. When

13:49

do I feel really connected when I'm journaling,

13:52

when I'm being very present, when

13:54

I'm planning, because it's more

13:56

than a planner, It's like a mix of a journal

13:58

and then I have reflect and every

14:00

month I have pre month planning so they can get

14:02

ahead and continue setting their goals. I

14:05

have a thank you note to yourself in the back with

14:07

a beautiful envelope that I want people to treasure

14:09

and maybe reflect on in a few years. So

14:12

it was just I was sat there during the

14:14

pandemic feeling isolated, thinking

14:17

I miss meeting people,

14:19

I'm miss connecting with people. What is

14:21

a product that I can create where I can

14:23

still do that? And I was like, it's got

14:25

to be this planet. And the phrase

14:27

self funding I developed

14:29

with Philip because he was always

14:32

trying to tell me what's

14:34

the thing that you do, And I'm like, I

14:36

like to invest in myself and let people

14:39

know that they need to invest in themselves too. And

14:41

it's about that self funding,

14:43

like I'm believing in myself. I'm my own

14:45

investor, you know, I'm putting my money

14:48

in me and my time and me my

14:50

energy into me so I can be my best

14:52

self. So that's where the self funding

14:54

came from. I love that. Before

14:56

we get into answering our listener questions, one of the

14:58

things that I wanted to just touch in with

15:01

you and you talked about, you know, your beautiful

15:03

baby and he's a year and a half

15:05

now, and congratulations again for you and

15:07

Philip and the intentional parenting

15:10

that you're creating. And I'm curious now as

15:12

you're looking to the holiday

15:14

seasons with with him? What are

15:16

you thinking about? What are you most grateful for? And mostly

15:18

I think too, is like what's changed for you in

15:21

relationship to yourself. You've launched

15:23

a human you're launching a new business model.

15:25

You know, you're still out there in the world doing all your wonderful

15:27

work. What are you learning about you? What

15:31

I'm learning about me is I

15:34

really need to take

15:36

deep breaths in the morning. I

15:40

thought and believed I couldn't be a morning

15:43

person. It was such a dreadful,

15:45

terrible thing for me that I was like punished

15:48

every day for having to get up. And it was

15:50

like, I'm just going to shift my day forward a little

15:52

bit and make this work instead of complaining

15:54

figuring out how I can feel grateful for it. I

15:56

can feel grateful because now I've been

15:58

productive, I get to finish earliest, and now I get

16:01

to be present with my child. So that

16:03

was a huge sift because, like you said, so

16:06

many transitions. I mean, all

16:08

of a sudden, you have a child that you don't have a manual

16:10

for. But there's thousands

16:13

of manuals out there, but none of them are for your

16:15

child, right, So you're listening to everyone

16:18

else's noise, and

16:20

you told me this would work, and this doesn't. And

16:23

the judgment and the comparison even

16:25

with the child and your

16:27

parenting and your bounce

16:30

back or whatever people feel like they

16:32

need to call it, it's

16:34

just a lot, and just

16:37

being okay to not do as much

16:39

as I used to do, choosing to

16:41

say no a lot, not

16:44

apologize for it, just say I know that

16:46

right now, in this season this doesn't

16:48

work, I'm going to be at home. I'm

16:51

going to be saying no, I'm

16:53

going to be doing this less. Does

16:55

that mean that I'm giving up? Does

16:57

that mean that I'm unproductive? Doesn't know.

17:00

It just means I'm choosing this because this is right

17:02

for me and my family right now. See,

17:05

and everything that you just shared it so beautiful

17:07

because you just described two very different kinds

17:09

of dominant stories, right that dominant story

17:11

of like I'm not a morning person, I can't do

17:13

this. You know, we often think dominant stories

17:15

have to be these, um, you know, very heavy

17:17

or heavy things about our worth

17:20

or our well being. But I think even telling ourselves

17:22

the story of what you can or can't

17:24

do, you were able to challenge and change, which

17:27

I know has been on the mind a lot of minds

17:29

a lot of the folks who have written in. We've been

17:31

collecting these questions is script from our Dominant

17:33

Stories listeners, and they're so interesting

17:36

and varied, and we ask folks to

17:38

submit their holiday Dominant

17:41

Stories questions. Anything funny,

17:43

frustrating, and otherwise that comes up

17:45

for folks during the holidays. And because I

17:48

love hearing your advice and I love telling

17:50

people what to do, let's answer some of these

17:52

questions together. Let's do it. Can't

17:55

wait. So here's question number one. Okay,

17:57

my husband and I come from different

18:00

cultural and religious backgrounds, and

18:02

we recently had a daughter. I'm

18:04

struggling in knowing how to balance

18:06

the unique traditions between each set

18:08

of grandparents. It feels like

18:10

each group of in laws has expectations

18:13

of their traditions being honored

18:15

and continued with the grandchildren. And ultimately,

18:18

all I think about is I can't please

18:20

anyone, and I'm not doing this right. Is

18:23

there a way I can navigate this better? Oh?

18:26

My goodness, Well, first up, please

18:28

don't feel like that. I know it's it's just a natural,

18:31

immediate thing that you're feeling. Um, but

18:34

definitely breathe through this and

18:37

realize you're doing amazing and your child

18:40

is going to be so unique and so

18:42

cultured to have those that mix, that's

18:45

beautiful. I would

18:47

say it sounds like you

18:49

need to sit down with each family

18:51

group and explain, like I do feel this

18:54

pressure. I really am trying to do what's

18:56

best for our family and respect

18:59

both of you, know your values, and

19:01

figure out what that compromise looks like. I

19:04

don't know if they're both in the same environment,

19:07

would it be healthy. And maybe to do half

19:10

of the day, you know, with one sign of family,

19:12

the other half with the others, so you get the both best

19:14

of both worlds. Or maybe

19:16

one year you do you

19:19

know, it's one family, and the next you do it with the other.

19:21

Yeah. I love all of that.

19:23

And one of the things I'm picking up on in this person's

19:26

question is that repetitive thought

19:28

of like, oh my gosh, I can't please everybody. And what

19:30

I want to say to this listener is also

19:32

focus on pleasing yourself. Remember

19:35

you in this holiday season, remember

19:38

your family, and because you're a new family,

19:40

you get to make your own traditions and your own

19:43

values. And while it's so beautiful to want to honor

19:45

your in laws on each side.

19:47

It's really important that you give time

19:49

for your own family to develop your

19:51

traditions and values, to and take that pressure

19:54

off of that voice that says you're not

19:56

doing enough. I mean, it's so much anyway,

19:59

So just remember to please yourself

20:01

too. Absolutely. Hey,

20:05

why don't we take a moment to recharge and

20:07

reflect and we'll be back in a flash. Yeah.

20:24

Hey, here we are back together

20:26

again. All right, Now

20:28

back to our concoat. This

20:34

is a really powerful question. This question

20:36

came in from a listener who said, I lost

20:38

my mother on Christmas Eve. She

20:41

loved Christmas dearly and made this holiday

20:43

incredible for everyone around her. This

20:46

holiday used to mean the warmth of my mother's

20:48

love times a million, No

20:50

matter how, I want to enjoy the holiday

20:53

the same way. Now, so many totems of

20:55

this holiday just trigger grief

20:57

and remembrance of her. Her birthday

20:59

was also at twenty three, which often

21:01

lands on Thanksgiving, So this person is swirling

21:04

in a lot of memories, and they say,

21:06

in essence, the holidays are really a period of

21:08

grief and reflection of my

21:10

mom and me trying to remember that

21:12

that's also okay, but I have this negative

21:15

voice in my head, usually with a lot of

21:17

sadness, telling me that it's not okay

21:19

to be happy during this time. Do

21:21

you have any recommendations on how to handle

21:24

grief during a time that's

21:26

supposed to be about joy and celebration.

21:28

Wow, that's a lot. And I

21:31

think it's already wonderful that she's able to

21:33

communicate. But that's how she's feeling, and she's

21:35

aware and clearly she's ready to

21:37

feel different. So for me, that's

21:39

a huge first step. I

21:41

lost my grandma, who I

21:43

was really close to. She kind of raised

21:46

me while my parents were young at college, and

21:49

we had a Christmas party and

21:51

I remember her seeing her sat there

21:54

and I just looked at her and I

21:56

knew that this was the last Christmas

21:58

party, was the last family gathering,

22:02

this was the last time she was

22:04

going to be with us, and I just

22:06

remember crying and running to the

22:08

bathroom, and my mom followed me and she

22:10

just cried too, because I don't know, you just

22:12

sense that she was ninety three. And

22:15

after that grieving, I

22:18

really tried to intentionally think

22:21

I'm going to celebrate her, because

22:24

there are still times where I feel

22:26

her or I see a sign and

22:29

I'm like, oh, I miss you, but

22:31

your grandsallo you.

22:33

Like, I really try whatever I

22:35

can to push through the grieving

22:38

and the the sandness of it,

22:40

to really find the celebration in

22:42

it and just say I'm so grateful

22:44

I got you in my life. I had all

22:47

those memories with you. Yeah,

22:49

I will say that's the only close

22:51

person I've lost, and it was a huge

22:53

loss. And that's

22:55

how I've been handling it. Is

22:58

it. Have you got more advice with the jess because I know that

23:00

during the pandemic you lost a

23:02

lot of family members. Yeah, we've lost

23:04

to family. I've actually lost three family

23:06

members during this time, unfortunately.

23:08

And my husband lost both his mother and

23:11

his brother and his and their birthdays.

23:13

I I relate to this listeners question because

23:15

their birthdays are close to the holidays, and so

23:18

I think this is what I would add to your beautiful

23:20

story too, about tapping into the celebration

23:23

and the grief. I don't think it has to be either

23:25

or. I don't think it's a binary experience. I

23:27

think every day with grief

23:30

is different, and I would love to normalize

23:32

that more for people. And I think because there is

23:34

a lot of pressure for the holidays. I mean, this listener

23:36

said, I just feel like I can't be happy

23:38

during this time. I would want that listener

23:40

to take the pressure off of themselves to know,

23:43

you can feel happy in one moment and you can feel

23:45

sad in the next, and you can go back and forth with

23:47

those emotions. It doesn't have to be one or

23:49

the other. And in fact, when grief enjoy

23:51

lives side by side, which they can often

23:54

do for those of us who survive loss

23:56

of somebody, it just makes you more in touch with

23:58

living. It just reminds you write

24:00

that like life is precious and

24:02

short and not promised, and finding

24:05

the moments where you can celebrate. But also,

24:07

grieving is such a tricky thing. It comes

24:09

up sometimes out of nowhere, and if we

24:12

put pressure on ourselves to feel like we have to be quote

24:14

unquote over it, it just adds

24:16

more strain and stress and shame to that

24:18

moment. So I would just add let

24:20

yourself feel it all. Don't put an

24:22

expectation that it has to be one way or

24:24

the other just because it's the holidays. I

24:27

think that's so valid and

24:29

I definitely learned from that too. Thank

24:31

you, jess Um,

24:34

this is a really interesting question. I wonder

24:36

how you're going to handle this one. So this question

24:38

says, I feel like my close

24:40

family expects me to hide who

24:42

I am in order not to offend the

24:44

rest of the family. I'm told not to

24:46

bring up certain beliefs or current events

24:48

so that I don't upset my grandparents. I've

24:51

also been told to make sure I hide my tattoos.

24:54

I've made so much progress in my self esteem,

24:57

but it also feels like my dominant story

25:00

are around, my identity are literally

25:02

unwrapped during the holidays. I feel

25:04

like I have to hide who I really am.

25:06

How do you think I can balance staying true

25:09

to myself or respecting my family

25:11

and navigating these dynamics.

25:14

I mean, I feel uncomfortable

25:17

that anyone would want to shrink anyone

25:19

else. You know that that for me to feel so unnatural,

25:22

and it's something that I would never do. But I understand

25:25

that sometimes people want to keep the peace

25:28

right. I know, for example, living

25:30

here in Austin, Texas, I've been in family

25:33

environments where you know, I've had a friend

25:35

who said, Mom, can you please not bring up Trump?

25:38

Because you know most of the people here are liberal if

25:41

Trump did come up, or you know her

25:43

beliefs, if you're left or right, if that comes

25:46

up? Can we not have an adult conversation? Some

25:48

people would rather avoid it. I

25:51

feel like I want to say, if

25:53

you're nourishing yourself with your

25:55

tribe and your people who allow you to be

25:57

yourself, and you're like I

26:00

was able to be in this environment for an hour, Now

26:02

I'm going to go meet my friends at the bar or whatever

26:05

it might be, or go to the park or going to nature

26:07

walk or a hike, or go or go to the movies

26:09

or do whatever you need to do. Yeah. Yeah,

26:12

it's like a last resort that you should

26:14

step away from your family, you know, unless

26:16

it's super super harmful. But also if

26:19

it is, if it really feels like you aren't

26:21

able to be yourself, you can choose

26:23

to say no, you don't have to be

26:25

there. I agree, and

26:28

I think you know where my head goes eskra

26:31

Is. I think these questions are so thoughtful

26:33

because what I keep hearing in them is

26:35

like, how do I keep showing up

26:38

being true to myself? Right? Even the question

26:40

about grief was about that. Even the

26:42

question about family traditions was about

26:45

that. So what I hear in this question

26:47

is like, how do I stay being me inside

26:49

of a family that may not be comfortable

26:51

with all aspects of me? And the thing I

26:53

want to say to this person is,

26:56

well, this is something I've often said. Look, families

26:58

push your buttons because they installed them,

27:02

all right, So, like it is

27:04

a very familiar feeling inside

27:06

of a family system to fall

27:08

into patterns right of childhood, patterns

27:11

of the way your family sees you or wants to see

27:13

you. This is a great moment to exercise

27:16

your belief in knowing who you are

27:18

and tapping out of needing to be

27:21

approved, whether it's your tattoos or

27:23

your political beliefs from your family.

27:25

I always talk about like, let's not go to the hardware

27:28

store for milk, like if it's

27:30

not going to be there, If the connection and the

27:32

respect you can come in with

27:34

your own set of boundaries. I mean, I think this is a

27:36

great opportunity to sit down with somebody and say, hey,

27:39

I you know respect that we have different points of

27:41

view on this. Let's say about my tattoos,

27:44

But my tattoos are a part of me, It's

27:46

who I am. They're on me. There's something

27:48

I can do about it. I'm not gonna necessarily cover it

27:50

up. You know, how can we negotiate this? I

27:52

understand confronting can be hard, but I

27:55

think the act of boundary

27:57

in yourself, standing up for yourself,

27:59

just doing what matters to you when you step

28:01

into a family system is really really

28:03

important so that you don't get sucked

28:05

into all of those dominant stories

28:08

that you need to hide. All right, this is interesting.

28:10

We've got a couple more left. So this one says during

28:12

the holidays, I struggle with feeling like I can't

28:14

give enough because I can't afford it. I

28:17

feel terrible because I want to be able to give more

28:19

than I can. How do I keep this kind

28:21

of pressure out of my gift giving?

28:24

This is so interesting because one of the most

28:27

one of my friends that makes me feel the most

28:30

loved and appreciative valued is

28:32

she has nothing. She lives in a

28:35

van on a hill in Spain, and

28:38

she has been my friends for so

28:40

many years, and she gave up

28:42

all kind of material

28:45

things to move to a place and

28:47

live a supernatural She calls

28:49

it her hippie life, but she

28:52

the way we communicates the

28:54

gifts she gives me, she writes me poetry,

28:57

she checks in in such a deeper

28:59

way that I feel so valued

29:02

by her, and we have this appreciation of

29:04

our friendship that she feels

29:06

like a gift. She doesn't need to send

29:08

me anything ever. That's beautiful. And

29:10

I think that one of the great

29:13

things you can do is giving your

29:15

time, you know, planning things

29:17

that are completely free, going out for

29:19

a hike, spending time in

29:21

nature. If you had an intentional

29:24

moment with like that with someone, or planned

29:26

a day with someone and they just came to your house

29:28

and he made them breakfast and then say

29:30

we're going to go on this walk. I'm going to take you to one

29:32

of my favorite spots with the best view of the city.

29:35

Something like that. That is a

29:37

beautiful gift, something

29:39

I value more than any material gift,

29:41

and I'm sure that your people would

29:44

too. I don't have

29:46

much to add to that. I would say that there's

29:48

a lot of pressure to feel like you're able to

29:50

demonstrate love through material goods,

29:53

and you know, no matter what season you're

29:55

out in your life and your relationship to money or finances,

29:58

I think just to remember your worth

30:00

is not also tied to the value of what you're able

30:02

to provide, but by the virtue

30:05

of your relationship and the way that you express

30:07

yourself. Like put a premium on that. It's

30:14

that time again. I'll be back before you

30:16

know it. Oh

30:30

my gosh, I hope you're enjoying this as much as I

30:32

am. All right, let's dig back in. It's

30:42

interesting the last two questions that we have are going

30:44

to be right up your alley because there are a lot of body

30:46

image related which is kind of where we started in

30:49

our conversation, because this is the thing that comes up

30:51

a lot for folks. So I'm not surprised

30:53

by these questions, but I think they're really interesting. So let

30:55

me One question says when I was thirteen

30:57

years old, I was at my family Christmas and

30:59

we were all sitting around the dinner table with the entire

31:02

family when my aunt turned

31:04

to my father and loudly asked,

31:07

isn't it about time you got her a bra? Pointing

31:09

to me. Oh,

31:12

I was mortified. Has anything

31:14

like this happened to you in your family?

31:17

This moment has not only left me with a huge

31:20

insecurity about my body, but

31:22

for my breast in particular. Please

31:24

help, isn't

31:26

it wonderful what people just decided

31:28

to do a scars you for life.

31:32

I feel like there probably is a bunch of moments

31:35

like that. I think definitely

31:37

the chubby puppy fat comments

31:39

feel relatable to this moment in the

31:41

sense that it was definitely just like if

31:43

I, like everyone was, you know, laughing

31:46

about it, I was the butt of the joke. Yeah,

31:48

I hope it's just going to fall off. That's what they kept

31:50

saying. Oh, We'll just fall off, and

31:52

you know, laughing it off, and you know, eat

31:55

some more roast potatoes because I

31:57

love roast potatoes. Who doesn't love potato?

32:00

But this is going to take some unpacking.

32:02

One of the tools that I love is not only

32:05

journaling gratitude list, but mirror

32:08

work. Getting in front of that mirror

32:10

and just trying to essentially

32:14

play that narrative in your head, play that moment

32:16

back. And I've done quite a bit of therapy

32:19

for a different type of moment, but I

32:22

work with a hypnotherapist and a therapist a bunch

32:24

of times to go back and think about the moment where

32:26

it happened. It was a wonderful gift

32:28

my therapist gave to me to handle a traumatic

32:30

event and maybe it can help you too,

32:33

But there's also other tools me and

32:35

just do right writing

32:37

a letter to this person, Yep,

32:40

I think writing a letter could be great. I also

32:42

want to say to this listener like, that was a really

32:44

traumatic experience for a developing

32:47

body to have all eyes on you,

32:49

and it has a lot of shame packed

32:51

into it from your aunt. And maybe

32:54

what I would say is, outside

32:56

of whatever modality you might be in right now, if

32:58

you're in therapy or if you've not gotten any help

33:00

for this, there are lots of books that can

33:02

help you unpack that traumatic moment

33:04

of a body shame and know

33:07

that you don't have to carry that shame anymore.

33:09

Right. I mean one of the things I would do

33:12

that's, you know a little bit more in

33:14

the vein of writing that letter is

33:16

I like rewriting these dominant stories.

33:18

So maybe you could go back to that time and

33:21

do an exercise in which you first write

33:23

down everything you remember feeling as a thirteen

33:25

year old shamed, embarrassed, angry,

33:28

afraid, and then rewrite

33:30

the scenario in which, now, with the

33:32

intelligence or wisdom that you might have, is

33:34

maybe somebody who's obviously I don't think it's thirteen

33:36

anymore. How would you go back and handle

33:39

that? What do you wish you could have said? Or how

33:41

could you have handled And even though I know we

33:43

can't go back in time, what happens with our

33:46

obsessive thoughts around the trauma is that it

33:48

does dissipate the intensity

33:50

of that memory, and it gives you a chance

33:52

to rewrite that dominant story. And so any

33:55

of these ideas or maybe something I hope

33:57

you, sweet listener, walk away

34:00

if and and think about and know that you don't

34:02

have to be stuck in that moment anymore, right,

34:04

m If this happened to anyone,

34:07

it would really really impact them. So I'm

34:09

so sorry it happened to you. But

34:12

I know that you deserve to feel

34:14

better about yourself, and you can and you will,

34:16

So we believe in you, alright.

34:20

Last question, this is something we actually

34:22

talked about in the interview. This listener

34:25

says, I've gained weight during the pandemic,

34:27

enough weight that it's noticeable. My

34:29

mom is a pretty image obsessed person,

34:32

and so is my sister. So I know

34:34

that when I see them for the first time in over a

34:36

year, they're going to make a comment. I

34:39

already think I'm fat and disgusting.

34:41

Those words roll through my head constantly.

34:44

How do I brace for this interaction?

34:46

I already want to scream and cry.

34:49

Oh my goodness, feel

34:52

scrat How do people handle body comments

34:55

during the holidays? What would you do in her position?

34:58

I mean, I think the you're that

35:01

you're aware of what's going to happen, and you

35:03

know that it's not okay because

35:05

it's not. What you have to think

35:07

about is that it's

35:09

a shame that they're stuck in that mindset.

35:11

Is there an opportunity for you to sit down

35:14

with them and share and discuss

35:16

and help them see from your point of view, discussed

35:19

that we are a fat phobic society, and

35:21

that you know your value and worth isn't based

35:23

in your size. You're in a very self aware

35:25

of position where

35:27

you are struggling with

35:30

the weight fluctuation, which again is

35:32

very natural. I'm definitely here

35:35

with you. I've I don't know how much weight

35:37

I've put on during the pandemic. I

35:39

know that it doesn't impact other relationships

35:42

in my life because I've had

35:44

to educate them and share

35:46

that with them and help them understand

35:49

it's okay. To gain weight, and

35:51

so I think that you have a chance.

35:53

And this is what I would see it as as an opportunity

35:56

to have a constructive conversation

35:58

that's going to help them see the is differently,

36:00

that's potentially going to change their mindset

36:03

on how they view themselves, on how they view

36:06

weight gain, all of these things,

36:08

because maybe they've never had

36:10

a moment to actually sit down and challenge

36:13

their own flat phobia or how they

36:15

feel. I would almost

36:17

guarantee that it's going to bring you closer together,

36:20

and it's quite surface level,

36:22

right, and not have them think about

36:24

how that might make you feel. So I

36:27

would assume that there it will be a surface

36:29

level like, oh, Amanda, you've put in some

36:31

weight. Oh that's a shame. That's

36:34

very surface. But if you then bring them

36:36

into the conversation to say I've gained

36:38

weight, I know it's okay. Shall we discuss

36:40

this because I feel like you

36:43

have a view of how I might feel

36:45

about this and I want to work through

36:47

it with you. That's how I would

36:49

approach it. I love everything

36:52

that you said. In an ideal scenario,

36:54

if you've got a relationship that can

36:56

bear that kind of honest

36:58

recalibration. I think it's great. I

37:00

might add some other ways

37:03

that you can handle that if you don't feel

37:05

safe to go there with family,

37:07

or you're just not there in a courageous

37:10

place yet to say. Hey, so a couple

37:12

of things I say to people, and I've actually

37:14

done this myself. I mean, look, you can do everything from

37:17

mom, I love you, and my body

37:19

is none of your business. So

37:21

people are who are looking for like a quick thing

37:23

to say, sis, I adore you,

37:25

and my body's off limits for this holiday.

37:28

Okay, if you don't want to get into the bigger convo,

37:30

that's one thing. The other thing is I too agree,

37:32

is Chris. Sometimes it's also good to say,

37:34

how like that hurt? I

37:36

didn't invite that conversation. I

37:38

don't feel comfortable having this conversation.

37:41

I mean that requires a level of vulnerability.

37:43

The other thing is you can also add a little humor

37:45

into this to say, you know what, we're

37:47

all just living and surviving through a pandemic,

37:50

Like, let's just cut some slack for all

37:52

of us this year. So I generalized

37:54

the response, so it doesn't feel very directive,

37:57

and it kind of reminds people like, oh yeah, maybe I

37:59

should just like chill it on the fat talk

38:01

because we are in the middle of surviving some

38:03

pretty uncanny things right now. So I think,

38:05

whatever your personality is, whatever your level

38:07

of confrontation is, you are worthy

38:10

and valuable enough to say something.

38:12

You don't have to just accept it. You don't have to

38:14

just fear it. You get a chance

38:16

to also say how it impacts you, how

38:18

you'd prefer to be treated, and you

38:21

know why this is important to you. And that's one of the

38:23

best ways we can change and challenge and rewrite

38:25

our dominant stories. For sure,

38:27

we want you to know you are empowered

38:29

in this scenario. This is your body

38:32

at the end of the day. Bingo. I

38:34

guess my in my ideal world,

38:36

right, we all have these conversations and

38:39

we have all these teachable moments and we get

38:41

to change the whole society because no one's

38:43

going to be fat fo anymore. It's going to be wonderful.

38:46

But that is we're exhausted too,

38:48

But we just want to let you know that

38:50

this is your day, this is your body,

38:53

and this is your choice however you decide

38:55

to handle this beautifully said,

38:57

I knew you were the right voice to bring into this

39:00

secial edition episode Instagram.

39:02

I love and adore you. I'm proud of your

39:04

new endeavors. I'm excited to see them out

39:06

in the world, and I'm so so grateful

39:09

that you joined in to answer these listener questions.

39:11

How lucky are we today? So happy

39:13

holidays to all of our listeners right now. Absolutely,

39:17

you are heard, you are seeing, you are loved.

39:20

We're all worth it, We're all worth taking this

39:22

time to. I mean, it's Jess

39:24

Weena and what a legend. Um.

39:26

I love learning from you. Thank you so

39:29

much for your voice and light in

39:31

this world. I absolutely adore you and

39:33

I'm always sending you love. And all the

39:35

people that we're connecting with right now who are

39:37

listening to this, you are loved and

39:40

happy holidays. See you

39:42

in two. Well,

39:49

first of all, I owe you, my

39:52

sweet listeners a debt of gratitude for these incredible

39:54

questions. They were rich and complicated,

39:57

and I expected nothing less from

39:59

y'all. So the things that are coming

40:01

up for me that we're a theme were

40:05

the notion that you are worth

40:07

having difficult conversations.

40:09

I mean, I know nobody likes to have difficult

40:11

conversations, but if that were

40:13

to happen during this holiday time. Whether that

40:16

means you have to stick up for yourself or tell

40:18

somebody how you feel, or establish a boundary,

40:21

we both want you to know that you're worth

40:23

it. You're worthy and valuable enough

40:25

to say something about how you

40:27

prefer to be treated and how others are impacting

40:29

you. Speaking of boundaries, number

40:32

two is one of the things that

40:34

I think can help in establishing

40:36

a boundary, especially around families, because

40:38

remember I said, you know families know how to push

40:40

your buttons because often they've installed

40:42

them. It just means that we know we're more likely

40:44

to get triggered around the roles that we play

40:47

in our family or with our loved ones. So

40:50

it's easy to fall back into old patterns, and

40:52

if you're trying to break those patterns and set some

40:54

new boundaries, one of the best things to do is to

40:56

really focus on your values.

40:59

What's important to you during this time?

41:01

What do I want to get out of today? Stay

41:03

focused on the gratitude of the moment. It

41:06

won't control what people might say or do, but

41:08

it will control how you feel about your

41:10

time and your space and your energy,

41:13

and it will likely give you more power to

41:15

have those courageous conversations if you need to.

41:17

Setting boundaries really important, especially

41:19

during this time of year. And then, lastly,

41:22

I was expecting these kinds of questions. Body

41:24

image, negative self talk of

41:26

focus on food and fat and weight often

41:29

comes up during the holidays. I

41:31

loved Eskri's advice about you

41:33

are empowered because this is your body,

41:36

so tend to it, care for it,

41:38

speak up for yourself, I would add

41:41

in there. I know it sounds tripe, but it is really important.

41:43

Be extra kind to yourself.

41:45

The talk about weight loss and weight

41:48

gain and food and all this stuff can

41:50

just be so in the atmosphere

41:52

during this time of year. So remember

41:54

that your body truly is nobody else's business.

41:57

If you have to go to the bathroom and put your feet on the

41:59

ground, take five deep breaths, do some

42:01

self talk in the mirror, remember an affirmation

42:04

like go take a short walk around the block. Whatever

42:06

you need to do to regulate yourself. Be

42:08

grateful for your body, be kind

42:11

to it, and be kind to yourself.

42:13

Your body is doing so many good things for

42:15

you. Staying focused on that during

42:17

this time of year is so

42:19

so important. If

42:34

you're interested in learning more about dominant stories

42:36

and how you can change them and challenge them.

42:38

I teach workshops and courses on that, and you

42:40

can sign up at Jess Weiner dot com or

42:42

you can follow me on Instagram that I'm Jess

42:45

Weiner And as always, I'm so delighted

42:47

to hear from you. I'd love to hear about your

42:49

dominant stories and how you're challenging, changing,

42:51

and rewriting them. So give me an update.

42:53

You can email me at podcast at dominant stories

42:56

dot com or leave a voicemail at two on three

42:59

nine Rio three three. And don't worry

43:01

if he didn't catch all that in folks, I'll make sure to include

43:03

him of the show notes. Next

43:09

week, we're going to explore the question can

43:11

I love my body and still want

43:14

to lose weight. I'm gonna be talking with

43:16

Amani al Katabi and author, activist

43:18

and founder of muslim Girl dot com

43:21

about the nuances of loving your body

43:23

while still wanting to change it. Ammy

43:26

is going to share about her personal relationship to

43:29

her body image, her identity as

43:31

a Muslim woman, and her journey in

43:33

losing over one pounds. Thank

43:36

you so much for tuning in, and please don't forget

43:38

to write a review. Wherever you're hearing my

43:40

voice right now, it's super duper helps

43:42

us out, and remember

43:45

we are always learning and we're always

43:47

growing. Dominant

44:01

Stories with Jess Weiner is a production of Shondaland

44:04

Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.

44:06

For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,

44:09

visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast,

44:11

or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.