0:00

Hey, Danas and Beckys, I'm so

0:02

glad some of you had a chance to catch

0:04

my recent live virtual Don't

0:06

Ask Tig show with two of

0:09

the funniest comedians I know, my good

0:11

friends Fortune Feimster and Mae Martin.

0:14

We had such a good time answering questions

0:16

and dispensing all kinds of advice

0:19

that I wanted to make sure all of you got to

0:21

share in the fun. So today's episode

0:23

is an edited version of the live

0:26

event. And I'm still on the road if

0:28

you want to see me live and in person.

0:30

I'll be in Colorado Springs

0:32

September 25 Breckenridge

0:34

September 28 and then I will be

0:37

touring Europe in October.

0:39

So go to my website to get all the

0:41

city and

0:42

ticket and show information.

0:44

Then I will be back in the states

0:47

in La Crosse, Wisconsin, October 28.

0:50

And then Brooklyn, New York, November 4

0:53

Kings Theatre taping my

0:55

next stand up special. Live.

0:59

Come check it out.

1:01

Go to TIGNotaro.com to get all

1:03

tickets and show information. Hope you

1:06

enjoy the show.

1:09

I was just in New York and

1:11

I was lining up right when it opened

1:14

to go to the Natural History Museum and there

1:16

was a guy whose job it was to organize

1:18

the lines going in and this guy

1:20

loved his job. And he was this is

1:22

my impersonation of him. He was going shift

1:25

over shift over shift over shift over approach

1:27

approach approach like that. And he was just repeating

1:29

shift over shift over shift over approach. I

1:31

said to the security guard, I went, that

1:34

guy's that guy's crazy. And

1:36

he goes, oh, yeah, he went viral on TikTok.

1:38

So maybe he's now leaning into it. Like he's

1:41

like, I know what the people want. Yeah,

1:43

I'm going to give them what they

1:44

want. That's so funny.

2:04

This

2:08

is Don't Ask Tig, I'm Tig Notaro,

2:11

and don't ask me how I

2:13

got so handsome. I

2:16

am joined this evening by two extraordinarily

2:20

talented, I don't know where

2:22

this accent came from,

2:24

but let's go with it, talented

2:27

stand-up comedians, writers,

2:29

and artists. One

2:32

of my guest stars in the

2:35

hit Netflix show,

2:36

Fubar, her

2:37

second Netflix special is titled

2:40

Good Fortune, and just a few

2:42

of her many credits include The

2:44

Mindy Project, Chelsea Lately,

2:47

NBC's Keenan, and

2:50

Champions. Also joining

2:52

me is the star of their own

2:54

award-winning Netflix series entitled

2:57

Feel Good. SAP is

2:59

the title of their latest Netflix

3:01

special, and you can also

3:04

see them on HBO's The Flight

3:07

Attendant. Fortune theme-ster

3:09

and Mae Martin, welcome

3:12

to Don't Ask Tig.

3:14

What's up? Hi guys. Hello. Thank

3:16

you for having us. What a pleasure.

3:19

Yeah, what a pleasure.

3:22

What a pleasure. What

3:24

a pleasure. I'm saying their

3:27

abbreviations. Yeah,

3:30

I've never said pledge, but I'm

3:32

going to... It feels good to say. It does

3:35

feel good to say, and I'm going to

3:37

drop it with Stephanie when

3:39

she's... I was going to say when she's least

3:42

expecting it, but I don't think... She's

3:44

ever expecting it. I

3:46

think she is at all. No.

3:49

My favorite abbreviation that I

3:51

ever came up with was when

3:53

you casually mentioned something, it's called a cash

3:55

mensch. This is why Mae is so crude.

4:00

crucial in our lives,

4:02

Fortune. That's right. And for those

4:04

in the audience that may not have heard

4:06

yet, May, Fortune, and I co-host a

4:11

new podcast, and it's called

4:13

Handsome for obvious reasons.

4:16

I mean, I won't know. Well,

4:18

you know, and I was out with my aunt and

4:20

uncle the other night, and I was, was it

4:22

them or was it my therapist?

4:25

Who cares?

4:28

But I was talking about the

4:30

name Handsome, and I was

4:32

saying it feels very fluid

4:34

in that men are

4:36

handsome. You can say, oh,

4:38

that's a handsome woman. You can say

4:41

that handsome horses

4:44

may always remembering the

4:47

handsome horses out there. There's handsome

4:49

suits. There's handsome architecture.

4:53

I mean, come on. So it's also

4:55

a vibe. You can feel handsome. That's

4:57

right. I can't believe I haven't said this

4:59

yet, but I think that the word handsome

5:02

comes from when they would measure horses,

5:04

they'd say, how many hands is it? And

5:07

why are you laughing? It's true. We've

5:09

learned, Fortune, May loves

5:12

a factor. Yeah. May

5:14

often tells sex, we cannot verify

5:17

if these facts are accurate. And

5:20

we refuse to verify. We're not going

5:22

to look them up. Why would we? We're

5:25

too handsome to spend time. Verifying

5:29

May Martin facts. That's not our

5:31

job. Yeah, you go. You Google

5:33

it. Yeah, you Google it. That's what should

5:36

be at my tagline after every

5:38

five seconds. You Google it. If

5:40

and when you get a car, May, you

5:42

can get a bumper sticker that says you Google

5:45

it and then put May Martin at

5:47

the bottom. Okay. Now I'm

5:49

going to open up this question to both

5:53

of you. We're going to dive in here now. May

5:55

and Fortune. Is there any advice

5:58

that you need right now? now

6:00

that we can brainstorm about together.

6:03

Oh, one

6:04

of my questions is about, I

6:06

had this crystal given to me, and I don't

6:09

get really attached to crystals, but as soon as I

6:11

held this one, I was like,

6:12

whoa, there's something about it, and I can't

6:14

find the crystal. So

6:17

I'm wondering if an appropriate solution, because I really

6:19

feel untethered without it. I have a photograph

6:22

of it. Should I get a tattoo of

6:24

the crystal? What

6:26

do you guys think about that? Well, that was a real

6:29

job. Where would

6:31

the tattoo go? Would it go on your

6:33

nose or? I

6:35

was thinking. No, no, don't do a

6:37

face tattoo. No. Poor

6:39

Chin Sting out of this. Tig, do not do this to

6:42

Mae. Listen, this show

6:44

is called Don't Ask Tig. I know.

6:47

So I feel

6:49

like Mae would do it, because, well, the problem

6:52

is, number one, I get

6:54

things that I like. I'm like, oh, I guess

6:56

I gotta get a tattoo of it, just because I like the

6:58

thing. And then number two, I get

7:00

them to impress people. So the fact that you've

7:02

suggested that is danger territory for

7:04

me. That I'm like,

7:05

to commit to that bit,

7:07

would that be really fun, like to

7:08

show up one day and be like, Tig,

7:11

you said to me. Yes, that

7:13

would be worth the joke. Now,

7:16

I'm assuming you like me and Fortune.

7:18

So what are the odds you'd get tattoos

7:21

of our faces? On your

7:23

back? On my face? I have a big face. I

7:25

have a big face, though.

7:27

Oh my God, your smiling

7:29

face is on each of my cheeks. Or what

7:32

did you not, Fortune's face tattooed

7:34

on your face? Is that possible? Don't

7:36

do that, here's though.

7:37

And then where is yours? Yours

7:39

is, I shave my head and I get it on the back

7:42

of my head. You shave your head, you get the tattoo

7:45

of the back of my head on the back of your

7:47

head. Yes, yes, yes. Do

7:50

you know what I just remembered? What?

7:53

That people paid to listen to us.

7:56

That's true. Should

7:58

we entertain them more? Yes, okay.

8:00

So moving, well, wait, Fortune,

8:03

do you need advice on anything?

8:06

Um, people on the road have been

8:08

giving me t-shirts and I come home and Jax

8:10

is like, if you're gonna put these

8:12

t-shirts in your closet, you have to now start

8:14

eliminating old t-shirts.

8:17

How do you know when the, the, it's time to go,

8:19

those old, old ones?

8:21

I feel like for you, the

8:23

way you know is to check with Jax. Like,

8:27

gods, no. Yeah, you put out all

8:29

of your terrible, ugly t-shirts.

8:32

You do a fashion show. Do

8:35

a little runway of each one and then Jax

8:37

maybe gives a score. All

8:40

right, so, um, moving

8:42

on. When either of you

8:45

go to

8:47

someone for advice, who, who is that? Do

8:50

you know Sabrina Jeliz, the comedian? She

8:52

just does life very well. I go

8:54

to her a lot, for a lot of different

8:56

things. And then, uh, not

8:59

so much my parents. I just want my parents to think that

9:01

I'm acing life. So yeah,

9:03

would never be like, oh, I'm kind of depressed. Because they'd

9:05

be like, oh God,

9:07

well, why? Well,

9:10

they did buy tickets to this show.

9:12

Oh, great. Oh, excellent. What

9:18

about you, Fortune? It's funny because my

9:20

mom is a source of frustration

9:22

at times. She's that person that I've had

9:24

to learn to set boundaries with.

9:27

But then she's also that person who

9:29

I do like to call and get

9:32

advice from. I'll definitely

9:34

talk about things with her. And, you

9:37

know, it is nice to have that. Um,

9:40

queer stuff, I'm always running by Jax.

9:42

We're very much a team. I thought you

9:45

said it first, queer

9:45

stuff. And, but both like, you

9:48

know, that queer queer and career. I

9:50

made my queer advice from a wife.

9:53

You're like, I need to, I need to get your shirt to

9:55

wear. Well, I

9:57

realize, you know, when you're married, I

9:59

can't just make these.

11:59

God, they're desperate for me. And

12:02

then it really works. I

12:04

mean, it takes some imagining, but

12:06

it works. Yeah.

12:07

I love that. That's nice. Yeah. I'm going to give

12:09

that a whirl. I always repeat this,

12:12

but it's something that I read

12:14

once. And I tweaked it a little

12:16

bit to make sense to everyone.

12:19

But I have always loved this so much. The

12:21

greatest gift you can give anyone is

12:24

a well-lived life of your own. And

12:27

I love that because it frees everybody.

12:30

Nobody worries about you.

12:33

And everyone can just

12:36

be at peace. There

12:39

you go. At peace. Yeah, I love that a lot.

12:41

So May and Fortune,

12:44

I've asked you here for a very

12:46

specific reason. And that's to help

12:48

me. It's an intervention. No, yeah. Oh,

12:50

boy. The

12:53

reason is I need help advising

12:56

my listeners. Are you ready? Yeah,

12:59

we love a listener. We love a listener.

13:04

All right, first up is a quandary

13:07

involving communication

13:09

and kids. Viola writes,

13:12

I am a part of a close-knit

13:15

family. Once a month, my

13:17

parents and I visit with my uncle,

13:19

aunt, their

13:20

12-year-old son, and 8-year-old

13:22

daughter.

13:23

I'm 25. As the youngest

13:26

in my family, I didn't have any experience

13:28

with children until my uncle moved

13:31

to my town a couple of years ago.

13:33

And generally, I always talk

13:35

to children like adults. I

13:38

can tell my aunt doesn't like this. I

13:40

don't curse when I talk to them. However,

13:42

I talk to my cousin like

13:45

she is in my age range. I

13:47

know she loves this because she always

13:49

runs to me when we visit and

13:51

tells me I'm her favorite. A

13:54

few weeks ago, my aunt took

13:56

me aside and asked me to talk to

13:58

my little cousin like this. she was

14:00

eight. I was a bit taken aback

14:02

as I thought everyone could

14:05

see we had a great relationship. I

14:07

just said, sure.

14:09

What should I do? That's

14:12

interesting. That is interesting.

14:14

I have a lot of questions. I'm

14:16

just trying to picture like how she talks

14:18

to the eight year old is she like, if you started

14:20

your

14:21

401k.

14:23

Yeah. Let's role play

14:25

it. Like all what are your plans to move

14:27

out? Yeah. Like,

14:29

okay, I'll be the eight year old fortune.

14:31

You'd be the, you'd be Viola.

14:33

What am I doing? Just taking

14:36

a podcast.

14:38

You're the,

14:41

you're the big now. Okay.

14:43

I'm the aunt that tells you, wait, and

14:45

I'm who you know, the

14:47

role play was a weird idea. This isn't

14:49

working. So who am

14:54

I? Yeah. I

14:56

feel like I talk to my

14:58

kids, like they're adults, but I certainly

15:01

dip into those moments. I call them my

15:04

little cubs, but in general, I'm like, Hey

15:06

guys, get your backpacks

15:08

or don't forget your water bottles

15:11

or you know what I mean? I don't know if

15:13

this aunt is wanting like, where's

15:16

your backpack? I

15:18

don't know. That's what's hard to picture. Yeah.

15:21

I love adult talk. Yeah. They're

15:24

like, so are you Polly or what? Sounds

15:27

to me like the kid has repeated

15:30

to the aunt something that the cousin said or, or

15:32

the aunt overheard something specific that

15:34

seems like out of the age range, like inappropriate

15:37

in some way about mortality

15:39

or something or like

15:40

being negative or I

15:42

don't know. So it's something specific at the

15:44

root of this because

15:45

otherwise they have a great relationship.

15:48

Yeah. I guess if it's something where

15:50

you've, where you're, if you reflect

15:53

on what you're saying may and realize,

15:56

Oh, maybe I shouldn't talk about death.

15:58

and burial

16:01

plots with an old government

16:03

conspiracy. Yeah,

16:06

yeah, like I don't

16:08

think she necessarily has to like talk to

16:10

the kid like a baby but maybe

16:12

like adjust

16:13

what some of the subject matter

16:15

is if it feels too adult

16:17

and also it never hurts if

16:20

for some reason it's affected in their relationship and

16:22

things are weird to maybe ask

16:25

the mom for more clarification.

16:27

Yeah, good point Fortune.

16:30

Like what should I, how

16:32

do you want me to, give me an example. Yeah, yeah,

16:34

you know what I mean? Is it the content or

16:36

the voice? Yeah, like get more feedback.

16:39

Yeah, don't ask Fortune. Okay, well

16:42

Viola, we're talking to you

16:44

like you're an adult here because

16:46

you are best of luck and yeah,

16:49

if you're talking about weird heavy stuff

16:51

maybe shift that.

17:08

Hey listeners, Don't Ask Tig is sponsored

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19:36

Fortune, this

19:37

next question comes from a resident

19:40

of your home state.

19:42

Whoa. Hey, Tigg. Hey, Fortune. Hey,

19:44

May. My name is Maggie. I love

19:46

you guys. Maggie could really use some advice. So I moved to

19:48

North Carolina about seven years ago from

19:51

California, and I love it

19:53

here, but

19:54

I can't understand the Carolina

19:56

accent to save my life. How

19:59

dare you? We're like I like like

20:01

I don't hear them the first time and maybe I'll get

20:03

it But if I don't then I just

20:06

get super awkward like I'll

20:08

start laughing in the middle of the conversation

20:11

It's not good for anybody. Oh You

20:14

guys have any advice on just

20:16

I don't know how to not offend people

20:18

if you don't understand them I

20:20

just I love the South and I want to embrace my identity

20:23

and I kind of feel like this is getting in the way Of that a little

20:25

bit cool. Thanks guys

20:28

Okay, well to be honest, I couldn't

20:30

understand a word Maggie said No,

20:33

you know, I actually felt like Maggie

20:36

had a slight Southern accent.

20:38

Yeah a little bit Rubs

20:41

off on people. Yeah, I've

20:43

lived in LA for 20 years and I still

20:45

have this North Carolina accent Nothing

20:48

has rubbed off at you. It's weird

20:50

to say this because mine is so

20:52

thick but it has gotten way

20:55

better over the years I See

20:58

like old videos of me in high school

21:00

and it's like wow Let's

21:02

hear what it kind of sound. Yeah. Okay.

21:04

Well first what we preface is by saying I did the

21:06

morning announcement That's cool.

21:09

Let's just pretend it's that that's your

21:11

first big break in Entertainment. Yeah, that

21:13

was yeah so

21:15

I would be like

21:17

Hi, everybody There's

21:20

a chest meeting No

21:25

That to the chest club they're

21:27

gonna be meeting it. Mr. Smith

21:30

class at 330 And

21:32

did you have a bow in your hair and

21:34

were you wearing a dress? What

21:36

was the old fortune? I'm

21:39

sorry. I'm talking so fast. Everybody

21:41

has a great day. This is We're

21:44

just signing off here doing the morning. Now.

21:47

Yeah, take care now.

21:50

Okay. I

21:53

Love it With

21:55

it. So I love that. Is it Maggie?

21:57

I love that. She is just

21:59

like

21:59

laughing in the middle of the conference, she laughs

22:02

in their faces. I think she should

22:04

find maybe like a TV show set

22:06

there

22:06

or a fortune sold home videos or something

22:09

and watch them with subtitles. And there's a

22:11

blooper reel from high school. Yeah.

22:13

She's kind of practice up on her own at home

22:16

just watching. Here's the hard part. People

22:19

in North Carolina don't

22:20

enunciate. No, I know. I

22:22

can tell. Yeah. We noticed we

22:24

co-hosted podcasts with someone.

22:27

What do you believe is going to

22:28

be that I feel like everything is supposed to be

22:30

ready.

22:32

Here's what Maggie should be saying

22:34

to people. If she does not understand it, she just be

22:36

like, can you, I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?

22:38

All right. Maggie, if

22:41

you can understand fortune, you can understand

22:43

at least one person with

22:45

a Carolina accent. I hope this

22:48

advice helps you, Maggie. All right.

22:50

We're, uh, we're moving on to the next question

22:52

and this is about dating. All

22:56

right.

22:56

Hi, Tig. I'm a 35 year old woman

22:59

and I've only ever dated men for

23:01

many, many years. Now I have found myself attracted

23:03

to women. When I start dating

23:05

a woman, at what point do I disclose

23:07

that I've never dated a woman before? I

23:10

feel intimidated that no 30 something

23:12

lesbian wants to be with someone who has zero

23:15

experience dating women.

23:17

Thanks so much, Tig. You're welcome.

23:19

I

23:19

don't see that as a problem. Listen,

23:23

I that's my bread and butter bread

23:25

and butter. I think actually

23:28

there's a, there's a huge market

23:30

out there of people that are very,

23:32

would really enjoy, I think, being with,

23:34

with someone to show you the ropes.

23:37

I don't think it has to be

23:38

like a, like you're having to come out to

23:41

these women, like a big disclosure

23:43

that has a lot of weight to it. I think it'll come up in conversation.

23:47

Things are so fluid to be talking about your, your

23:50

old, it'll only be weird if you're making

23:52

it as if it's

23:53

so different to any dating experience

23:55

that you've had in the past. I think that's

23:57

true. I feel like if, if you are,

24:00

aren't withholding and you just keep it natural

24:03

and flowing in a fluid

24:05

way. I don't know. I

24:07

just, I always feel like I don't

24:10

care who you dated before me.

24:12

I don't care who you're with after me.

24:14

If I feel like I can

24:16

tell that

24:17

you like me, then... Yeah.

24:20

The only alarm bell there is like, oh, are you comfortable

24:22

enough with yourself? Are you going to be freaking

24:25

out about this new experience? So the

24:27

one thing I would say is maybe process

24:30

some of it with your friends, not with the queer

24:32

person that you're dating because it

24:34

can sometimes be hard. Like you

24:37

don't have to process it all with the person that you're dating.

24:40

But you can still stay in conversation

24:42

with them of like... Oh, totally.

24:44

Yeah. Or like, this is new. Yeah. Yeah.

24:47

This is new. I feel

24:49

like more women are kind of

24:52

getting to the point in their life, even

24:54

later in life be like, Hey, why don't I give

24:57

this a shot? I think it's not a

24:59

problem. Yeah. Especially later in life. Yeah.

25:01

I feel like we've all dated

25:03

someone. We have all

25:05

dated someone. But

25:07

it didn't freak me out, I guess is my point. Yeah.

25:10

We'll all date you basically is what we're

25:12

saying. But I guess

25:15

specifically when to disclose

25:17

is like, just whenever it comes

25:20

up. And if it doesn't come up on the first date,

25:22

then that's not like you're being sketchy

25:24

by keeping a secret.

25:25

And if they're not into it, deuces,

25:28

looses.

25:30

I don't think you need to like text it in advance

25:32

or anything. I think just

25:33

face to face when it comes up.

25:36

Maybe get one of those planes

25:38

that writes the message to the guy.

25:41

Yes. Or a witch that can sell it

25:43

to Serenda Dorothy. Remember

25:45

that? Yes. A witch as well. Yeah.

25:48

If they were concerned about you

25:50

never having been with a woman, they should be concerned

25:53

that you've hired a witch to deliver a message.

25:56

Welcome to lady town. Come

25:59

this way. Yeah, right

26:01

here right there there. Yeah,

26:04

okay. Thanks for entrusting

26:06

me May and fortune

26:08

with your love life now get out

26:10

there and start

26:13

gay dating your face off day date

26:16

your face off Okay

26:20

fortune of May it's now time for us to

26:22

answer a question Sent in

26:25

this evening by one of our audience

26:28

members whoa Wonder if it's gonna be May's

26:30

parents. Oh my god Okay,

26:36

Ellen writes, how

26:38

do you know when the time is

26:40

right to move in with

26:42

your partner?

26:44

Well, can I just share how

26:47

Stephanie and I moved in together? Please

26:50

do I love that my parents are asking you this

26:54

So I

26:57

used to have a loft in

26:59

downtown Los Angeles and

27:05

Six months in to our relationship Stephanie

27:09

came over one night and she said

27:11

oh my gosh, I am

27:14

so Sick

27:16

of looking for parking downtown

27:19

And she said in all seriousness

27:23

Should we just move in together? Wow,

27:26

she couldn't find parking and Yeah,

27:30

six months in yeah, and

27:32

I and she had never been with a woman but

27:36

I said yeah, why

27:38

not and honestly, I Feel

27:42

like if it wasn't Stephanie if

27:44

it was anybody else, I

27:46

would truly be like, oh my gosh This

27:48

girl is a psychopath. What a nut.

27:51

Yeah, but we were Luckily

27:54

on the same page like

27:56

out of the gate and I truly I didn't even flinch

27:58

and I remember

28:00

Chilling friends of mine. I was like Stephanie

28:02

is moving in because she

28:05

can't find stick of finding

28:07

parking Downtown

28:10

and so yeah, that's how I knew

28:12

it was time to move in. What about you fortune?

28:14

How did you and Jack snow?

28:17

well, we were long distance for a year

28:19

and Jack's was a teacher

28:21

at the time and Chicago

28:24

in Chicago. I was in LA and we were Traveling

28:28

so much not only because I was on

28:30

tour we were flying back

28:32

and forth to see each other We both

28:35

at the end of that year were just Spent

28:38

like we were so tired and

28:41

we were like we literally can't do

28:43

this for another

28:45

year and so

28:47

We kind of were like

28:49

we're either moving in

28:50

together or breaking up. Yeah

28:54

Wow and did it feel

28:56

right just right away? Yeah Where you

28:58

thought oh man this sounds so

29:00

fun because that's how I felt when I thought

29:02

of the fun I was having with Stephanie when I thought

29:05

of like, oh my gosh We're

29:07

gonna wake up every day and go to

29:09

bed. Please. Oh, yeah, it was just

29:11

like that's incredible Yeah,

29:14

she had to sacrifice

29:16

the moving of just My

29:19

career and having to be here But we

29:21

I remember we drove across country

29:24

and we were both like so nervous, but we

29:26

weren't

29:26

communicating to each other That

29:30

we don't want to the other were you both

29:32

going?

29:34

Yeah Feels

29:37

right then as soon as we rolled

29:39

into LA I remember

29:40

we went to sleep both still like what

29:42

are we doing? What are we doing?

29:43

And then woke up

29:45

like say like

29:47

we're good. This

29:48

is good Oh, no, and it we

29:51

immediately were like

29:52

live together very well,

29:54

and that is so key is Living

29:58

together. Well, I know it sounds Obvious,

30:00

but you know, you can be madly

30:03

in love with somebody but do you live

30:05

well together? Oh, yeah, you

30:07

definitely have to experience that before you

30:09

make any big commitment. Yeah Yeah,

30:12

because I would say Stephanie and

30:14

I live together at Flawlessly

30:18

really? Oh my gosh. Yeah,

30:20

we live together

30:21

really well too other than

30:23

my wife's like a crazy

30:25

cleaner Germ person

30:27

and I spread sturms everywhere

30:29

He would love for

30:30

me to be on the level she's

30:32

at with that and did you have to

30:35

step up to the Jack's? Banders.

30:38

Yeah. Yeah, I mean I'm better But

30:41

I mean she's just that person that is

30:44

always clean and she's like you know, some things

30:46

and I'm just like Should we

30:49

order Thai food?

30:51

And what has she relaxed at all?

30:53

Yeah I

30:54

mean, she's always gonna clean a lot

30:56

more than me that she's always gonna be the case Sometimes

30:58

she will say and she's

31:01

been gay her obviously her

31:03

whole life, but she came out at 15 And

31:07

she's like sometimes I just need a husband

31:09

and I'm like

31:14

Just

31:17

to do something I

31:20

know Stephanie and I always talk about

31:22

like when we're you know carrying

31:25

some heavy thing We're like we

31:27

need to get a husband Ridiculous

31:30

I've gone on the road

31:31

with some taking some elk comics

31:34

every now and then to open for me and they're like

31:36

Taking our bags and hand these things

31:43

You know else Stephanie and I talk about

31:46

is we joke we're not really looking

31:48

for a throuple But

31:50

Stephanie was saying, you know what we're not

31:53

good at and Well,

31:55

first of all many things but what

31:57

are those like tables scapes, you

31:59

know people like

32:02

arrangements for the table or

32:05

when you're wrapping a present or putting

32:08

a present in a bag with little paper

32:10

that comes out. Whenever we

32:13

do those kind of things, we're like,

32:15

how is it that both of us are terrible

32:18

and we don't have the touch for any of

32:20

these things? And so we're always joking

32:23

when we're hanging out with different friends. We're like,

32:26

she would be a perfect addition to our throuple.

32:28

She can do that. I'm

32:31

a lovely gift basket.

32:33

I'm really good at that type of thing.

32:36

So I feel like I'd be a good addition, but

32:38

very quickly you'd be like, oh, we just have another

32:40

seven year old boy to look

32:43

after. I'd be like always

32:45

needing hugs and crying. I'm a

32:48

little confused about

32:51

it. And I look like Finn.

32:53

Yeah, that's true. And

32:56

also if we brought you into our throuple,

32:59

I think one day we'd

33:00

both be like, this

33:02

is kind of weird. May is in our throuple.

33:06

May is in our marriage. This is... You think

33:08

it would just hit you like three years into it.

33:10

You'd be like, wait, why do you do

33:12

that? Well, Stephanie and I, we would want

33:14

it to be like, okay,

33:17

we need our throuple person to wrap

33:20

our presents, but then you stay home

33:22

and we're going to go to the party

33:24

and deliver the presents. Oh,

33:27

that is not a good deal for May.

33:29

We just are using you

33:31

for tables,

33:32

Dave.

33:33

Here's the thing, Fortune, it's not a good

33:35

deal for me, but it's kind of turning me

33:39

on. It's got a BDSM

33:41

quality of like, I'm just a houseboy. Yes.

33:44

Oh my God. I'm just

33:46

like, oh yes, of course.

33:49

I would not dare go to this party, but I hope

33:51

they enjoy the gifts I wrapped. Yeah.

33:54

Wow. And you would need to

33:56

go buy it. Actually, Stephanie could buy

33:58

it, but you just need to wrap it. And then what are

34:00

you doing in this scenario? Stephanie's buying it.

34:02

I'm wrapping it. You're overseeing this. I

34:05

do this to you Thanks, buddy. Thanks

34:07

little buddy. Thanks terrible

34:09

trouble Whatever happened

34:11

to May Martin's career. I thought like they

34:14

just disappeared May lives

34:16

with Jake and Stephanie. He's a houseboy Wow,

34:20

well good luck to y'all. Thank you. Thanks

34:22

for I don't even know if we've answered

34:25

anybody's question I don't think we helped

34:28

anyone Ellen that

34:30

is our advice if you can sift through

34:32

whatever it is that we did we actually

34:34

give advice on that Yeah, we talked about

34:36

when to move in. Oh, yeah, we

34:39

just shared our stories and now we're like

34:41

good luck So everyone us got

34:44

speed it was our chance to just

34:46

gush about That

34:48

was the takeaway. Thanks for asking

34:51

and thanks to everyone who shared a

34:53

question with us May and

34:55

fortune before we say good night I

34:58

have one final

35:01

task for us. We're

35:03

going to

35:10

Name that thing

35:13

is a segment where we help

35:15

people figure out what to call

35:18

their stuff Okay. Yeah,

35:20

we've named a lot of things

35:23

on this show from a fuzzy

35:25

tomato to a gang

35:28

of kayakers Only

35:31

catch is that whatever

35:33

name we come up with for

35:35

this thing

35:37

The legally binding Wow

35:39

listener must Use

35:42

it. Okay. Do you it's

35:45

stressing you out

35:46

fortune. You're up fruit. Mm-hmm

35:49

All

35:49

right. So do you think you can help with this

35:52

my girl? Yeah, okay So

35:54

today's request comes

35:57

from a listener named

35:59

Kit. Kit. Hey,

36:02

Tag Fortune and May. Hey, my name is Kit

36:04

and these are my pickleball pals.

36:06

We are a group of queer friends

36:08

that I brought together to play pickleball and

36:11

we are collecting up more local queers

36:13

and I think we should give ourselves a name. My

36:15

father calls pickleball to go pickleball. There

36:18

could be something there. I've also thought

36:20

of the big bills and the Kelly Picklers, but that

36:22

doesn't feel right. Please help. Thanks.

36:24

I like the Kelly Picklers, though. I know. Like

36:27

they were throwing out great puns

36:29

and stuff. Anything we come up with is going

36:31

to be... Are you familiar with Kelly

36:34

Pickler? No. I was

36:36

going to say. Who is that? Kelly

36:39

Pickler is a country singer. I think this started

36:41

in American Idol. But

36:43

you were probably in the UK when

36:46

that was happening. I think

36:47

I missed that. Yeah.

36:50

But I still liked it and I knew it was a pun.

36:51

I could, you know, I could say it. Yeah, you're

36:53

no fool. I'm no fool. I got, you know,

36:55

my pun

36:56

meter was tingling.

36:57

I like to kind of break it down

37:00

and think about the clues that

37:02

we've been given. Queer.

37:03

Queer.

37:05

That's right. Pickleball.

37:07

Pickleball? Dickle pickles.

37:09

Yeah, queer. Did you say

37:11

it, Fortune?

37:12

Dickle pickles. I don't

37:14

know.

37:15

Isn't that what they said? Oh, they did?

37:17

They said the big bill pickles

37:20

or something like that. I

37:22

just heard Kelly Pickler, Picklers. Well,

37:25

you've played pickleball, Tig. I

37:28

have. I played tennis in college.

37:30

I feel like it translates. Oh

37:32

my gosh, Fortune. Did you wear a tennis dress?

37:34

I had to wear a tennis skirt, yes, until

37:38

junior year of tennis. They finally let me

37:40

start wearing shorts. How come?

37:42

Thanks, Billie Jean King. I have pictures.

37:44

I have some good legs. Okay. I

37:47

don't doubt it. You got some good pegs. Oh,

37:49

my gosh. I love it. You got some good

37:51

pegs. My

37:52

legs are my best feature.

37:54

You got like, are

37:56

they real strong? I have like

37:58

crazy strong hair.

37:59

Like

38:00

I'm built just like my dad. We have

38:03

a big belly

38:04

Big chubby cheeks and then

38:06

like the most muscular Defined

38:09

calves you'll ever see. Oh my

38:11

gosh, so you got some handsome legs I

38:14

guess I'm handsome. Hey, how are your legs and

38:16

have you worn a tennis skirt? I have

38:18

not weren't worn a tennis skirt or really

38:21

played tennis My legs are not

38:23

my best feature But I

38:25

said nanny nonverbal autistic

38:27

kids under five and this one

38:29

kid he had never spoken. We hadn't heard his

38:31

voice He was like four and we're doing like

38:33

play therapy trying to get him to learn

38:36

speech And

38:37

one day he puts his hand

38:39

up my skinny jeans and he touches my

38:41

calf And he goes in

38:44

this strange accent. He goes spiky

38:46

chickens spiky chicken Mike

38:49

I hadn't shaved he called my cast

38:52

spiky chickens because I've skinny little pale

38:55

prickly legs Picky

38:58

chickens. Well, that could be the name of the team.

39:00

That's making chicken. I don't mind

39:02

that tickle ball tickle ball

39:06

But that was just a new game. You hit

39:08

the ball and tickle your partner. They Well,

39:11

the spiky chickens is

39:12

a good option Mm-hmm

39:15

the tickle pickers

39:17

The tickle pickers What's

39:22

in your tiny little water bottle I'm

39:36

feeling somewhere between Spicy

39:39

chips, you know we could do we

39:41

could throw this to our

39:44

audience Oh, yeah have

39:46

them will take a poll between The

39:50

what is your what was yours fortune? Diggle pickers

39:54

pickled pickers and Spiky

39:57

chickens.

39:58

Oh, I just opened the comments here

40:00

and someone said the spiky picklers,

40:01

that's a combo. Pretty good.

40:03

A handsome pickles. It's

40:06

dickle, dickle picklers. Dickle,

40:09

dickle pickers. Dickle pickle

40:11

pickers. Dickle pickers. Dickle

40:14

pickle pickle, dickle picklers. What did

40:16

I say? Dickle? Dickle pickle?

40:18

No, what is it? Dickle

40:21

picklers. Dickle pickers? Dickle pickers

40:23

or picklers? I'm

40:27

sure somebody that produces this

40:29

show heard what you said and then

40:31

Mae is spiky

40:34

chicken. Chickens. Dickle pickers was

40:36

mine. Dickle pickers.

40:38

Dickle

40:38

pickers. Okay. Are we able to put queer

40:43

spears in the... we're missing out on

40:45

some queer spears. But again, it's spicy chicken.

40:48

I do like it. Dickle

40:49

pickers. Dickle

40:50

pickers? Dickle

40:53

pickers, I think. Dickle

40:55

pickers. Dickle picklers.

41:01

Okay, okay.

41:03

Let's do this. Let's add queer spears

41:06

in

41:06

and dickle pickler.

41:09

Dickle, dickle, dickle picklers.

41:12

But it was, it was dickle pickers,

41:14

not picklers. Dickle pick... Dickle

41:19

pick... Dickle picklers.

41:21

Okay, this is chaos. Pickle. Okay,

41:23

so we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna vote for

41:25

queer spears. Dickle

41:28

pickers. Dickle pickers. Dickle

41:30

pickers.

41:30

No. Dickle picklers.

41:32

No. Dickle pickers. Are you sure?

41:34

I don't know. It was... And... It

41:36

was picklers.

41:38

And spiky chickens. Spiky

41:40

chickens. Someone in the chat wrote

41:43

pickle me Elmo.

41:44

It's pretty good.

41:45

Like, pickle me Elmo. Mm-hmm.

41:48

Thanks for the explanation, Mae. Some

41:53

people are saying dick, dickle pickers. Dickle

41:55

pickers. I don't know. You guys,

41:58

this is a circus now.

41:59

If Diggle Picklers wins,

42:02

they can also choose Diggle

42:05

Queer Spears won. Woah!

42:09

Wow. None

42:11

of us thought of that, right?

42:13

That was none of us. It was someone in

42:15

the

42:15

audience who came up with

42:17

that.

42:18

Alright, it's Queer Spears. Yeah,

42:21

Kit, your Pickleball team

42:23

will now and forever

42:26

be known as the Queer

42:28

Spears. Boom.

42:30

Legally binding. And they're saying a way to go with it.

42:33

It is. Lynn did it.

42:35

Lynn came up with that. Who did it? Lynn.

42:38

Are you saying Lynn or Lynn? Lynn. Lynn.

42:41

Oh, Lynn. God, I feel like I'm dealing with Maggie right now.

42:43

Lynn. L-Y-N-L-N. So,

42:45

Lynn? Lynn? Lynn. Aww.

42:49

L-Y-N-M-A-G-E? Quit

42:52

laughing at me. I'm trying to have a conversation

42:54

with you. Well, it

42:56

is legally binding, Kit. I hope

42:58

that you and your teammates

43:01

enjoy your new name,

43:03

the

43:04

Queer Spears. Oh,

43:06

man. Fortune and May,

43:09

this has been an absolute

43:11

pleasure. Pleasure. Pleasure.

43:15

Pleasure. Pleasure. Pleasure.

43:18

Pleasure. Pleasure. Pleasure.

43:21

Pleasure. Pleasure. Pleasure.

43:24

I wish we had theoteurs. Yeah. I

43:26

think that was a good choice.

43:26

I mean,

43:27

it would have been insane if

43:30

it was the Dickle Pickers or Spiky

43:32

Chicken. I have to say, I would

43:34

personally go with

43:37

Spiky Chicken. Thank you. This

43:40

is why I'm in your marriage. Dickle Pickers. Dickle

43:42

Pickers, I think, was

43:44

what it was.

43:45

Now, I... Fortune, you sound drunk at this

43:47

point. Dickle Pickers. But

43:51

I would prefer, personally,

43:53

I would call my team the

43:56

Spiky Chickens just because

43:58

there's a...

43:59

story there and it makes

44:02

no sense and that's that's

44:04

what I lean towards a

44:06

little more is all the

44:09

poses of the perky jerky that's pretty good

44:11

too oh boy do we

44:13

vote again no

44:15

no voting has closed we're

44:18

not gonna do a recount now

44:20

is there anything

44:22

that either of you would like to

44:25

promote yes I

44:27

am doing improv at the Elysian which is tiny

44:29

a tiny little beautiful theater

44:32

with Stephanie Allen takes wife and Alana

44:35

Johnson on the 16th and 17th Atlanta

44:38

is so funny so Stephanie

44:40

but I mean that goes without saying but yeah anyone

44:42

that doesn't know Alana Alana

44:46

banana funny she's so she's

44:48

one of the most ridiculous humans wandering yes

44:50

plant

44:51

and then I'm at Largo

44:54

on October 12th and 22nd

44:57

yeah

44:57

nice yeah amazing yeah

45:00

well I'm on a stand-up tour it's a whole different

45:02

hour if you saw my last special this

45:05

weekend I'm in San Antonio Texas

45:07

and New Orleans and

45:10

then in a couple weeks I'm in Portland Oregon

45:12

Spokane Washington Boise

45:14

Sioux Falls South Dakota

45:17

never been there before Oakland

45:20

California

45:20

that will be my San Francisco stop

45:22

will be Oakland

45:24

Evansville Indiana Dayton Ohio

45:26

Charleston West Virginia Grand

45:28

Rapids World of the local this place is Kansas

45:30

City yeah my website

45:33

has all that information fortunepeams.com

45:36

and I just added a

45:37

bunch of new dates that are on there as well

45:40

nice man the road goes on

45:42

forever yeah that brings me to

45:45

my tour dates which

45:47

is September 15th Torrington

45:49

Connecticut September 16th Rochester

45:52

New York September 17th Wilmington

45:55

Delaware and then I'm doing a European

45:58

tour in October so go to

46:00

my website, TigNotaro.com

46:02

for all ticket and show information, which

46:04

you can also do for all these other shows. And

46:07

then October 28th, I'll be back

46:09

in the States in La Crosse, Wisconsin.

46:12

And then write this down, November

46:16

4th, there's two shows,

46:18

Brooklyn, New York at King's Theater. I'm

46:20

taping my next standup

46:23

special. So come on

46:25

out. Maybe there will be

46:27

a surprise guest. I

46:30

hope to see everybody out there on the

46:32

road. And I mean everyone. We

46:35

got to promote our big thing. Oh,

46:37

yeah. Which is our podcast. If

46:40

you like listening to this nonsense,

46:42

then our podcast. Then

46:47

buckle up for way more

46:50

nonsense. Way more. Yeah.

46:52

I can't even tell you how much nonsense.

46:57

If you do not like nonsense, do

46:59

not listen. But

47:02

I do suggest you check it

47:04

out. Go to the

47:06

Handsome Podcast, subscribe,

47:09

check out the nonsense.

47:12

It's so fun. It's so fun. So

47:14

ridiculous. Tell your pals. So

47:16

yeah, check out. Go

47:20

right now. Actually, right now. Go

47:22

subscribe to Handsome. That's

47:25

all it is. Handsome. Subscribe,

47:27

listen.

47:28

And come see

47:30

us on tour. Thank you for having

47:32

us though, Taylor. Thank you so much for

47:34

taking the time.

47:35

You're both so ridiculously busy.

47:37

I really appreciate it. And so does everybody

47:40

on

47:40

the show. Thanks to all the producers

47:42

and everyone at APM. Thanks

47:46

to everyone watching for taking the

47:48

time all around the world,

47:50

all around the country. And I can't

47:52

forget you, Dana's

47:55

and Becky's.

47:57

Good night.

48:00

You

48:03

and me, we're so much closer than love.

48:09

Oh, we're

48:12

so much closer than sea.

48:16

I wish that I could give you

48:19

heaven. I wish

48:21

that I could make you believe. I

48:25

wish that I could make you

48:29

believe. That's

48:33

what your heart is

48:36

for. That's what

48:39

your heart is for. That's

48:42

what your heart is

48:44

for. This is the

48:46

only way.

48:48

Don't Ask Tig is hosted by

48:50

me, Tig Notaro. It's produced

48:52

by

48:52

Thomas Ouellette and Shana Deloria. Our

48:55

executive producer and editor is Beth

48:57

Perlman. Engineering and sound mixing

49:00

by Alex Simpson. Digital

49:02

production by James Napoli. Talent

49:05

booking by Maryann Ways. Production

49:07

support from Maria Wurtele

49:09

and Lou Barron. Our theme music

49:12

is Friend and Tig by Edie Burkell

49:14

and Kyle Creschem. And Listen

49:16

to Your Heart by Edie Burkell. Special

49:19

thanks to Hunter Seidman. APM

49:21

Studios executives in charge

49:23

are

49:24

Chandra Cavati, Alex Schaffert,

49:27

and Joanne Griffith. Concept developed

49:29

by Tracy Mumford. Our executive

49:31

consultant is Dean Capello and

49:33

Gobsmack Studios. You can

49:36

always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.

49:39

Just write in with your problem or send

49:41

us a voice memo. Remember to follow

49:43

us on social media at DontAskTig. DontAskTig

49:47

is a production of American Public

49:49

Media. And as always, thanks

49:51

Dana and

49:51

I'll tell Becky.

50:32

Hey, Danas and Beckys, Tig Notaro

50:34

here. If you're a parent of young kids

50:37

like I am, you know how hard it can be

50:39

to find shows for them to watch that's

50:42

fun for them, but also

50:44

has a secret bit of education

50:47

on the side. So I want to let you know about

50:49

three virtual field trips from

50:51

the fantastic hosts of the APM

50:54

Kids podcast, Brains On,

50:56

Forever Ago, and Smash

50:59

Boom Vest. There will be

51:01

limited showings on YouTube Live

51:03

starting September 21st, where you and your

51:06

kids will get to see Molly Bloom,

51:08

Mark Sanchez, Sandin Totten,

51:11

and Joy Dolo in their first

51:13

ever movie-like productions of three

51:16

hilarious adventures. Plus,

51:18

there will be puzzles, games, and

51:20

a live Q&A after the show. For

51:23

tickets and details, go to brainson.org

51:26

slash field trips. This is one

51:28

kids'

51:28

show you'll want to watch with

51:31

them.