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0:57

That was a great dinner. So great. Wait, where'd you

0:59

park the car? Oh, the one I just sold to Carvana.

1:02

What? When did you do that? When you were still looking

1:04

at the menu. I went on carvana.com and all

1:06

I had to do was under the license plate or VIN, answer

1:08

a few questions and got a real offer in seconds.

1:10

They

1:10

picked up the car already? No, I parked around

1:12

the corner, but they are picking it up tomorrow and

1:14

paying me right on the spot. Oh, no wonder you

1:17

picked up the check. Yeah, about that. Uh, thought

1:19

we were going halfsies. Sell your car to Carvana.

1:21

Visit carvana.com or download the

1:24

app to get a real offer in seconds.

1:27

My friends, not too long ago,

1:30

I asked for your thoughts on how you feel

1:32

about growing older. Whether there's a certain

1:34

age you've reached or headed

1:37

to that excites you or freaks

1:39

you out.

1:40

Well, we got a lot of great responses

1:42

and I wanted to share a few of them with you.

1:45

Kristen wrote Tig, like you, I have

1:47

not yet hit the point where I am uncomfortable

1:50

sharing my real age. I turned 40

1:52

this year and I think it is an accomplishment

1:55

to reach this stage in life. However,

1:58

on birthdays in the past, I've answered. curious

2:00

acquaintances who inquire about

2:03

my age with a number seven to

2:05

nine years older than I actually

2:07

was. I don't know if they think

2:09

I look great for 39, but

2:11

I look fantastic for 47. Keep

2:15

them guessing and keep having fun. I

2:20

can certainly relate. I'm told often

2:22

that I look younger on TV

2:25

and film or from the stage.

2:28

And then when people

2:29

meet me up close, I've

2:32

had the pleasure to hear over and

2:34

over that I look

2:37

younger from a distance. I

2:39

think it's all funny. Keep them guessing

2:42

and keep having fun, Kristen.

2:44

Jameenee wrote, Hi Tig, my

2:46

64th birthday is in May and I can't

2:49

wait to sing the Beatles song nonstop.

2:52

Thanks for all the laughs. Oh

2:54

my gosh, that is awesome. I

2:56

don't know if I shared this on the show

2:58

or if I did it in a comedy special

3:01

or if I

3:02

just told friends and family. But

3:05

when I was a kid,

3:07

I was so obsessed with the Beatles and

3:09

I used to write out all of their lyrics

3:12

obsessively, wrote out all of their

3:14

lyrics. And

3:17

I remember I wrote

3:19

out the lyrics to when I'm 64

3:21

and my grandmother

3:24

found that she had

3:26

a sheet of paper and

3:28

she sat down and she

3:30

thanked me and told me how touchy was

3:33

about this poem or song that I had

3:35

written for her.

3:37

And I had to take credit

3:40

for Lennon and McCartney tune. Thanks

3:43

for reminding me of that song. I feel like I'm

3:45

inching up pretty quickly and

3:47

I look forward to the day that I can sing it

3:49

as well. Okay, I appreciate

3:52

all of you who called and wrote in including

3:54

Tara Abigail, Rebecca, Diane,

3:57

Carla, Alex, Sharon, Jenny,

3:59

and

3:59

Kelly. Thank you for all the birthday

4:02

wishes. And I have to say, in a

4:05

funny twist, Stephanie and

4:07

our kids and I, we got

4:10

stuck in the Vegas airport on my birthday.

4:13

And what seemed like hell

4:15

on earth ended

4:17

up being an oddly fun birthday. Our

4:19

flight was canceled. We got rebooked,

4:22

three times delayed, spent almost

4:25

five hours in the airport

4:27

lounge during March Madness.

4:30

And our sons are so chatty and

4:32

friendly. They made friends with

4:35

everybody in the airport

4:37

lounge bar while we were watching the

4:39

basketball games. And Stephanie

4:41

and I, we can't believe that that

4:43

was my birthday and how fun it ended

4:46

up being. So anyway,

4:48

just a few weeks in, I'm still very comfortable

4:50

with being 52. I'm happy to

4:52

be where I am. And also on April 20th, I will

4:55

be in Red Bank,

4:58

New Jersey, April 21st,

5:00

Kipsey, New York, Las Vegas,

5:02

Nevada on May 2nd and

5:05

Fayetteville, Arkansas on June

5:07

23rd. And keep your eyes and ears peeled

5:10

for the date that I will be taping my next

5:12

standup special. I will be revealing

5:14

that very soon. Go to tignotaro.com

5:18

for all show links and ticket information.

5:20

See you there. And now on with the show.

5:25

So yeah, we went to bed after

5:28

we had our little rounds of yelling

5:30

at everybody and then saying goodnight. And

5:32

then we get up in the morning. You know what I didn't

5:34

even tell you, you weren't even there for this part. This

5:36

was like a few days later and I won't name who this

5:39

was with, but

5:40

I was kind of going on another

5:42

little tirade about sexuality

5:44

and fluidity and how everybody's kind

5:46

of gay. And one person

5:49

said, so you think I'm gay? And

5:50

I go, yeah.

6:00

We are not alone and

6:02

nobody is hopeless. Everybody

6:09

goes oosh. We gotta find them

6:11

tigs, yeah, yeah, yeah. This

6:17

is Don't Ask Tig. I'm Tig Notaro. With

6:20

so much advice, I've had today's

6:22

guest on twice. With

6:25

me now is Don't Ask Tig's first

6:28

ever returning guest. She's

6:30

an actress, comedian, writer,

6:33

and director. You can see her in films

6:36

like In a World and TV shows

6:38

like One Mississippi, Twin Peaks,

6:40

and The L Word Generation Q.

6:43

There is no one I love more

6:45

in this world than her and

6:47

our

6:48

two children and

6:50

our three cats. Stephanie Allen.

6:53

My wife, welcome back to Don't Ask

6:55

Tig. Thanks for having me. Stephanie,

6:58

you are the first ever

7:00

return guest on Don't Ask Tig.

7:03

Your first episode came out September

7:05

23rd, 2020. Whoa.

7:08

Yeah. I don't even

7:10

have a memory of it other than sitting in your

7:12

office. Yeah, same. Like

7:15

what? I know it happened.

7:18

I couldn't tell you one thing that was said

7:20

on that. Or

7:22

can I? It is funny,

7:24

I have to say, interviewing you.

7:27

Well, that's what I was thinking when I asked you

7:29

to text you before we got on, because I'm like,

7:31

what would you ask me? That we haven't already

7:33

discussed in circles for 10 years.

7:37

I guess fill in the listeners.

7:40

What's been going on since September 23rd, 2020? Is

7:42

that what you asked your guests? What

7:45

have you been up to the past three years? Well,

7:47

I mean, you're the return guest. That's right. You

7:50

had to fill in the blanks from three years

7:52

ago. Well, we just got back from Mississippi.

7:56

That's the most recent.

7:57

Did you have a good time? I did.

7:59

Did you? I had a great time.

8:02

You

8:02

know, there's always some little bumps

8:04

along the way when you're with family

8:07

for a long time and extended family.

8:10

We got into it a little more than usual

8:12

on this trip with family. I

8:16

had one night of it. You had

8:18

a night of it. I've been there now like 20

8:20

times since we've been together. Yeah.

8:23

It's never happened. I'm very

8:25

diplomatic. I'm very, you know,

8:27

the situation. I'm

8:31

not trying to like get into

8:33

it or like get in a fight. And then this

8:35

trip,

8:36

you had a night of it and I was completely

8:39

silent, watching you have that

8:41

night. And then two

8:43

nights later, we took turns.

8:47

It was your turn. I lost it on everybody

8:50

and you sat there silently. And then

8:52

we all said, well, good night. You actually

8:55

stood up,

8:57

yelled at everybody in the room. And

9:00

stormed out, went

9:02

upstairs and I just

9:05

got up from the couch, looked

9:07

at everybody and said, good night. And

9:11

went upstairs and

9:14

you were lying in bed and you were like, wow.

9:20

I am sorry. And I was like, no,

9:22

I said, you know, when you have

9:24

your opposing views on religion

9:27

or political views. And I guess that's why people

9:29

say,

9:30

don't talk about

9:32

that stuff when you go home. And we

9:34

hadn't for 10 years. And then this.

9:37

The world has changed so much. I

9:39

have no threshold. There's it's right

9:41

there. You say one thing and like, and

9:45

also I got into bed that night.

9:47

I was so worked up

9:50

and I didn't know what to do with myself. And

9:52

I got on the ACLU's

9:55

website and donated money to. And.

9:59

Well, you

10:02

know, then some good came from that. I

10:04

would say it got a little more heated on our

10:07

end. I have

10:09

to say, even if there are points

10:12

in these discussions that my family

10:15

don't understand or they don't

10:17

agree on, and we're talking about

10:20

close family to extended

10:22

family to people that

10:24

my family is dating or

10:27

married to, it ran the gamut

10:29

of who was there when we were in

10:31

town. And yeah, late

10:33

night, maybe people were having some

10:35

drinks. It was a real tee

10:38

up for this kind of situation.

10:41

But

10:43

regardless of what happened,

10:45

the nice part is

10:47

there was no vibe

10:50

of like anybody was

10:52

on edge the next morning or

10:54

the rest of the time. Would

10:56

you agree? Yeah. When we first

10:58

met 10 years ago, and

11:00

we would go there all the time and

11:02

Obama was president, and then

11:05

gay marriage was legalized right before

11:07

we got married down there, and we got married

11:09

legally in Mississippi. And

11:12

then when Hillary lost and

11:14

the world shifted to a completely different

11:16

place, it just, there's a completely

11:19

different vibe. Not

11:21

just down there in the country. You

11:23

can feel it.

11:24

And conversations that maybe

11:26

weren't being had and topics

11:28

that weren't even on the table are being

11:30

had. And so yeah,

11:33

that was our trip, but I did. I had a

11:35

great time. Yeah, I did too. So

11:38

we're there for Cowboy Rick's

11:40

funeral that was very delayed. And

11:43

we were at the graveyard and my

11:46

brother said, well, I just have a few things to

11:48

say, just it'll be quick. So maybe

11:50

I should go first. And I said, okay, I'll go after

11:52

you and I'll talk. And then the priest

11:54

was going to say something. And my

11:56

brother,

11:57

again, our family is all sitting there.

11:59

there at the gravesite and my

12:02

brother

12:02

stands up in his suit,

12:05

goes to talk, say some

12:07

words about our stepfather who raised

12:09

us since we were two. And

12:12

there's this green astroturf

12:15

covering the grave. And

12:17

my brother stepped into it

12:20

and he fell into the grave. He fell

12:22

into our stepfather's grave.

12:26

They were supposed to put plywood under

12:30

the astroturf and they forgot

12:32

to. And so everybody

12:34

lunges forward going,

12:36

oh, Jesus Christ.

12:38

Oh God. Oh God. And there

12:41

is my brother falling into

12:43

a grave. Everybody was

12:45

stunned. He's like, I'm okay. He's

12:47

pulling himself out of Rick's

12:50

grave and he's got dirt

12:52

all over his suit. And then of

12:55

course there was the moments of

12:57

laughter and biting your lip. And then he

12:59

goes on to speak and he's dusting

13:01

himself. I

13:03

mean, and I was sitting there thinking,

13:06

is

13:07

this really happening as I was watching

13:09

my brother fall into Rick's grave? And

13:12

then I thought this must happen all the

13:14

time. And

13:15

then I thought, of course this

13:17

doesn't happen all the time. And

13:20

then I thought, well, now I have new material.

13:23

Can I tell a story about the other

13:26

problem that that graveyard has

13:28

with your family? Yes. So

13:33

there's endless graveyard stories.

13:35

I mean, we could go into my father's burial.

13:38

Yeah. All in Mississippi, but

13:40

go ahead. Four years ago, a very

13:42

close family member passed away very sadly.

13:45

Somebody so dearest at us. Yeah. And

13:48

she was buried in the graveyard in her family's

13:50

plot. And

13:52

his cousin the other night was like, oh,

13:54

Stephanie, after we were talking about what happened with

13:57

her brother falling in the grave, when he

13:59

was like, what's the problem?

13:59

Well, you know, we got another problem in that, you

14:02

know, I don't know if you've heard, but they

14:04

accidentally buried another woman

14:06

in my plot.

14:07

And they were supposed to be

14:09

buried with his wife. They have a plot side

14:12

by side. And the graveyard had

14:14

another funeral of another person who died

14:16

named Ethel, who is now lying in

14:19

his plot next to his wife. And

14:22

that family doesn't want

14:24

to move her. To move Ethel.

14:27

She's buried in the other funeral.

14:31

And so the graveyard offered six family

14:33

a larger plot, discounted

14:36

on the other side of

14:38

the graveyard. And so her

14:41

cousin, Jimmy goes, so we took that

14:43

deal. So we're going to have to, we're going to have to move her.

14:47

So she's going to be moving. We're

14:50

planning on doing this where they have

14:53

to dig up her grave and move

14:55

her across the graveyard.

14:57

That's right. And

15:00

just because I already mentioned it, I will

15:02

quickly say that when my father

15:04

died,

15:05

he didn't have a lot of money

15:07

and nor did he really want

15:10

much for himself. When

15:13

he died, we had him cremated.

15:16

That was my treat. And this

15:20

was just that thing of, again,

15:22

welcome to the family, Stephanie. My

15:25

family members and their overalls

15:28

and their tractors and

15:30

what have you, we all get

15:32

together for my father's memorial.

15:35

My cousin, a different

15:37

cousin of mine, grabs a shovel.

15:40

We all head over to the graveyard. My

15:43

father does not have a plot. Which

15:45

we didn't know. We got here

15:47

thinking we were going to a funeral. Yeah.

15:50

And treating everybody to the cremation. Yeah. And

15:53

then all of a sudden we're kind of like meeting at

15:55

the house and everyone's like, let's head over to

15:57

the graveyard and they start grabbing shovels.

15:59

My cousin who is in overalls carrying

16:03

a shovel, we go over and

16:06

a hole is dug on another

16:09

relative's grave site

16:12

and my father's ashes

16:14

not only blew

16:16

out of the bag,

16:19

which was a Ziploc, they were placed

16:21

in a straw hat and

16:24

buried in a hole on somebody

16:27

else's grave. The

16:30

end. None

16:32

of this is made up, none of this is

16:35

exaggerated, and all of this

16:38

would never happen in Stephanie's family.

16:41

And some of the possessions got blown on some guests.

16:44

Yes. With my family,

16:46

just to give a little juxtaposition.

16:49

Yeah. My mom

16:52

has her parents ashes

16:54

and she's been probably

16:56

planning a funeral for 30 years and is

17:01

really into Feng Shui and she keeps

17:03

the ashes in the helpful

17:05

people section of her house.

17:10

There's no Feng

17:12

Shui in any of my

17:14

relatives' homes in Mississippi

17:17

or

17:18

Louisiana. This morning our

17:20

son, Vin, he goes, man,

17:22

Louisiana and Mississippi,

17:25

it's a wild place. He's

17:29

six.

17:33

But they loved it. They have so

17:36

much fun. It's just so

17:38

much chaos. It's that comforting,

17:41

fun feeling that we talked about

17:43

where you hear the entire

17:45

house just full of people talking,

17:48

laughing outside, inside,

17:51

spilling out everywhere. They

17:53

had so much fun.

17:55

Okay, Stephanie, so that's what

17:57

you've been up to. That's the past

17:59

week. I didn't get in the last three years. There's been

18:01

a lot. We have full lives, I

18:04

would say. Yeah.

18:05

Now, Stephanie, you know what you're

18:07

here to do and the time has come to give

18:10

some of my listeners advice. Yeah.

18:13

Our first question is about a familiar

18:15

subject for us,

18:17

love.

18:19

Emily writes, I am 30 years old

18:22

and have been perpetually single

18:24

for 10 years. I go on a lot of dates

18:26

with a lot of different men and women, but

18:29

none of them ever felt like my person.

18:31

There's always something about them that

18:33

bothers me too much from big important

18:36

stuff to small shallow things. It

18:38

might be that they are very insecure

18:41

and can't make decisions or

18:43

it could be that their posture is

18:45

terrible or teeth are bad, but

18:48

there's always something. Normally, I see

18:50

someone three or four times and then call

18:52

it. As I get older, I'm starting

18:54

to wonder if at this point I'm

18:56

just being picky. Should I maybe

18:59

try spending more of my time with

19:01

someone in the

19:01

hopes that a little annoying thing

19:04

stops bothering me?

19:06

I feel like if that many things

19:08

are bothering you out of the gate, it's only going to

19:10

get worse. And

19:13

I feel like when you really love

19:15

someone and connect with someone,

19:18

those things don't bother you. So

19:21

if they do certain things that

19:23

you maybe thought would really

19:26

drive you crazy, you're like, oh, they

19:28

don't sit up straight. Oh, how cute.

19:34

And then you can kind of have those discussions

19:36

or work on things, but you're not looking

19:39

at them repulsed, like, get

19:42

me out of here.

19:43

So I feel like when you have

19:45

those really early on, that's

19:48

probably not the person for you.

19:51

No doubt. It seems like in the

19:53

beginning of a relationship, you should be so

19:56

blinded by love.

19:58

And then you notice that

19:59

that they don't sit up straight a couple

20:02

of years in. And I

20:04

do also think there

20:06

might be something in you

20:08

that's saying that you're

20:10

not ready for a relationship if everybody

20:12

you're going out with is problematic.

20:15

Because if it is that you're being too critical,

20:18

then I really do think that that's

20:20

a barrier you're putting up subconsciously.

20:24

And so maybe you're not ready

20:26

for a relationship and

20:29

there's nothing wrong with that. Were you gonna say

20:31

something? Or maybe don't know exactly what you're looking for,

20:34

because prior to

20:36

being with you, I had a lot of that with

20:38

people and I thought I,

20:41

just sort of valued my alone

20:43

time and realized, oh,

20:46

I was actually just needing to be with a

20:48

woman. Yeah, this

20:51

particular one. Emily,

20:53

it might take some time to find your person,

20:55

but when you find them, you will know.

21:00

And people would always say that to me and I was

21:02

like, but how do you know you know? Like

21:05

it just, I didn't understand. And

21:07

then when I met Stephanie, I was like,

21:09

oh, this is that thing. You don't

21:11

have to question it. And everything seems

21:13

easy.

21:14

Yeah. You naturally do

21:17

really huge things

21:19

without, like getting married or having

21:21

kids or traveling without

21:24

it feeling like, okay, I'm doing this.

21:26

See how this goes.

21:28

Yeah, I always use the example of when

21:31

we got together and you told me

21:33

you wanted five children. I

21:35

had never thought of five

21:37

children. I thought I would have one. And

21:40

then when you said five, I

21:42

thought, oh, five, okay,

21:45

that sounds fun with you. And

21:47

of course, when we had twins, we were like, this

21:49

will do. But I do think that

21:52

as we said, it'll feel right, it'll

21:54

feel easy, but that doesn't mean it's not

21:56

gonna be challenging and difficult

21:59

along the way. the way and years

22:01

down the road because obviously we've

22:03

had that as well and we'll

22:06

continue to but I think that we have

22:08

a much better understanding

22:10

that

22:10

that just doesn't

22:13

go away. Yeah.

22:14

The bumps as you roll down the road.

22:17

So best of luck Emily, Stephanie,

22:20

let's pause for a break and then we'll be back

22:22

to listener questions.

22:27

Hey listeners, we get support

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And we're back.

25:56

Stephanie, this next question comes to

25:58

us all the way from Tokyo.

26:00

Jess writes, Dear Tig, I have three

26:03

kids under the age of six. It

26:05

is hectic and stressful, but they are

26:07

wonderful super kids. The

26:09

problem is myself. I

26:12

have become a yeller. I never

26:14

yelled or even felt angry before

26:16

having kids. And my own parents

26:18

also never once raised their voices

26:21

at me and my sister growing up. Yet

26:23

now, I am constantly blowing

26:26

up and yelling. I feel the absolute

26:29

worst shame and guilt about yelling

26:30

at my kids when it's not warranted.

26:33

But no matter what I have tried,

26:35

I am unable to stop.

26:37

What would you suggest to change? That's

26:40

tough. That's

26:43

also fascinating to just have

26:45

it come up in you when you didn't have it before

26:47

and you didn't grow up with it.

26:49

Yeah, I imagine it's tough

26:51

to find that out because you hear that when

26:53

you have kids. It's similarly

26:55

to falling in love or getting married, being in

26:57

a relationship. You see new things about

27:00

yourself. Yeah. You learn about

27:02

yourself and then your kids come

27:04

along and you learn more things about

27:06

yourself. And sometimes

27:09

they're great things and sometimes they're

27:11

terrible things. We were just talking

27:13

about this. Somebody commented on

27:15

how you and I don't really

27:18

yell. And she's

27:19

like, how do you not yell at your kids? And

27:21

especially for you, you can just be like, okay,

27:23

we're not doing that right now. I need you

27:25

all to stop. And she was

27:27

like, they just listen to you. It's

27:30

just interesting because I feel like with

27:32

kids, if you yell or you don't

27:34

yell, it doesn't really make

27:37

a difference. They kind of do what they're going to do.

27:40

But it's interesting that that's coming up

27:42

in her and she can't control it

27:45

and doesn't want to be doing it and is

27:48

doing it. That I think is the

27:50

interesting part because it feels like she

27:52

could actually work on it.

27:54

Yeah.

27:54

I wonder if she has a therapist because

27:57

I wonder if there's some layers

27:59

under.

27:59

that she's not been

28:02

connected to before. And yelling,

28:05

there might also be some fear. Well,

28:07

it's also temperament, because

28:09

to have that many kids that

28:11

young, it's like she's probably

28:14

never been in those situations before

28:16

where that many people

28:18

young are like

28:20

putting all of their energy on

28:22

her. I think that could easily break

28:24

a person. I used to feel like that with

28:26

our kids, where we'd go to restaurants, and there was

28:28

times when they were like two years old, where

28:30

it would be pretty out of control. I

28:33

wasn't screaming, but I was like, I gotta get out

28:35

of here, and I'm never coming to a restaurant

28:38

again until they're four.

28:39

And then there's other people that can kind of

28:41

just sit in the chaos

28:45

and the screaming, and they can, you know, they

28:47

can- Ruin everybody else's time at the restaurant.

28:50

They can be on an airplane and just be like, well, you know,

28:52

sorry, it's two year old screaming. And

28:54

then I think other people are like, oh my God, that's

28:57

really driving me crazy.

28:59

Yeah, I wonder if there's a way to somehow

29:02

alleviate the stress that's coming

29:04

out as well. Like if there's, I don't

29:06

know, play dates, I feel like that really can

29:08

take some pressure off of everybody

29:10

when the kids are getting

29:13

together with others, and it's

29:15

not all focused on you. Yeah.

29:17

But I think it also goes back to why

29:20

is she yelling?

29:21

Yeah, it feels like there must

29:23

be a larger feeling there that

29:26

probably can be worked on. Well, Jess,

29:29

we appreciate your honesty and your

29:31

willingness to work on it.

29:33

The show is called Don't Ask Tig. We

29:36

don't know what we're talking about, but it

29:38

feels like something where you

29:40

might have to

29:42

talk to a professional

29:45

about it. Oh, you know what? That

29:47

just reminded me, because I relate to this part

29:49

of it, of like when you have those

29:51

feelings where you're like going to lose

29:53

it, that it's an invitation

29:56

to go, oh, I need...

29:59

alone time, I need a second,

30:02

I need to remove myself, I

30:04

can't keep going here.

30:07

And I think it's really hard for people

30:09

to take that to remove themselves.

30:12

We've talked about this a lot, where you

30:14

feel like you shouldn't have to, you feel like you

30:16

should do everything, get in there, figure

30:19

it out, and just be

30:21

miserable. And then that might

30:23

cause you to be angry, as

30:27

opposed to in that moment when she's about

30:30

to yell, it's like, okay, you have to, it's

30:32

a moment for self-care.

30:35

And that's okay to

30:37

give yourself that gift. Dr.

30:39

Julie Bierman For sure. And hopefully

30:41

Jess has the ability,

30:44

I don't know if Jess has a partner or spouse

30:46

or family around, but

30:49

if you do, it is a good idea to

30:51

take that time for yourself. And once

30:53

you collect your feelings

30:55

and emotions, you can pop back into life

30:59

interacting with your kids.

31:01

Okay, hope that helps Jess.

31:04

We're going to take a quick break to

31:06

answer a question that came in our therapy

31:09

etiquette inbox. This segment

31:11

is where we answer those awkward questions

31:14

we all have as people getting the professional

31:16

help we need and deserve and is sponsored

31:19

by BetterHelp. This month, we

31:21

wanted to highlight another popular question

31:23

that we've gotten from a few of you around

31:26

encouraging a loved one to start

31:28

therapy. The question is,

31:31

I'm in therapy and I really think

31:33

my partner slash parent slash

31:35

best friend also needs to be

31:37

in therapy for their mental health. But

31:41

I'm afraid to talk to them about it because

31:43

they may get defensive.

31:45

Any advice?

31:47

I'm proud of a lot of our listeners

31:49

forgetting what they deserve. A therapist.

31:52

You deserve one. I deserve one. Everybody

31:55

deserves a person dedicated to

31:58

your mental health.

32:00

But we all know that it's an

32:02

uphill climb to get there. A lot of you

32:04

ask, how can I encourage a friend

32:06

or family member to go?

32:09

It seems like a lot of us are concerned about

32:11

approaching a loved one about therapy because

32:13

it could be seen as judgy

32:16

or that we're telling people

32:19

that they have problems that need to be solved.

32:22

But I trust that you can think of ways of framing

32:24

your encouragement that are empowering,

32:26

not judgmental, like,

32:29

hey friend, you've been through

32:32

a lot and I think

32:34

you deserve a place dedicated

32:36

to your own healing. Or,

32:39

hey, you're always so

32:41

attuned and articulate with

32:43

your own emotions. And

32:45

I actually think you'd be amazing in

32:48

therapy because of that. I

32:50

wonder if your own therapist

32:52

has some guidance for you all here, especially

32:55

because we're talking about relationships

32:58

between you and your loved ones, which

33:01

are complex.

33:02

And I bet there's something there that you could use

33:05

help processing too. Ultimately,

33:07

the choice to go to therapy

33:10

and trust in the process is

33:12

an individual one. It makes sense to

33:15

want to see a loved one thrive in therapy, but

33:18

they need to buy in for it

33:20

to work. As always, thank

33:22

you to our therapy etiquette sponsor,

33:24

BetterHelp. If you have any questions

33:27

about the unspoken rules of therapy etiquette,

33:30

share them with us by calling 833-275-8444 or

33:32

visiting don'tasktig.org

33:32

slash contact. Now

33:40

let's get back to the show. ["Dance

33:42

of the Sugar Plum Fairy"]

33:44

Stephanie, our home is

33:46

known as Kitty City, which

33:49

I guess makes us co-mayors. This

33:52

next question came to us from a

33:54

fellow cat lover.

33:57

Libby writes, I like cats.

33:59

How many cats?

33:59

cats can I own before it gets weird.

34:03

I say go for it.

34:05

We have three and I

34:07

want a fourth. I had 12 as

34:09

a kid. I think you would just keep

34:12

going.

34:12

Yeah. Would you ever stop?

34:15

Why stop? Why

34:17

would you stop? Why should Libby

34:19

stop? Yeah. If the kiddies are being

34:21

fed and getting attention

34:24

and. I think if you can manage

34:26

the cleanliness. Mm-hmm. I

34:28

feel like you can only have

34:30

so many cats on you at a time and

34:33

then one starts to feel left out. No.

34:36

It's worth the struggle. If you're

34:38

gonna have a lot of cats, I think it's good

34:40

to have outdoor cats if you're

34:42

in an area that's safe to have

34:45

cats outside. Cause when I was

34:47

in Texas as a kid, that's when we had 12

34:49

cats, two of them lived inside. But

34:52

man, there was nothing better than playing in the backyard

34:55

and having all these kiddies running around. Are

34:57

you kidding me? And right now,

35:00

when I'm visiting my friend here in Texas,

35:03

every walk we take, there's just kiddies

35:05

everywhere

35:06

on rooftops and windows,

35:09

windowsills on the outside of the house.

35:11

And she was teasing me cause the whole

35:13

time I'm stopping and taking pictures of these

35:16

cats and videos of cats walking

35:18

along fences and on rooftop. They're everywhere.

35:22

It's

35:22

heavenly. Libby, don't

35:24

be ridiculous. Go for it.

35:28

Keep going. We're

35:31

the co-mayors of Kitty City. And

35:34

we spend a good amount

35:36

of the week sending each other cat videos.

35:39

Even in the same house. I don't

35:42

even have to be out of town or on tour

35:44

or working. We could be in the same house

35:47

and sending each other pictures of our

35:49

cats. No, I'm talking about even

35:52

online, like funny or cute videos.

35:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh.

35:56

Oh yeah, or this thing we do where

35:59

you'll be like.

35:59

like brushing your teeth or something, or I'll be brushing

36:02

mine and you're like, come here, it's worth it. It's

36:05

worth it. And we will both say

36:07

it's worth it and we'll stop what we're doing

36:09

just to go look at whatever cute thing

36:11

is happening. In our house.

36:14

Yeah, that's the line. Stephanie, it's worth

36:16

it. And then that is when you know the cat

36:18

is doing something that could end at any

36:21

second. You need to get up now and go, it's

36:23

worth it.

36:25

And it's always the same thing,

36:27

just so like sprawled out.

36:29

You can get rolled up in a ball or sprawled out.

36:32

Or just

36:34

look, she's in the sun. Oh,

36:40

look, she's batting that little thing. All

36:43

right, Stephanie, our last

36:46

listener question is about style.

36:49

Laura writes, Tig, I need a new

36:51

haircut. You obviously can't see

36:53

my hair, but it's so dull. I'll

36:56

describe it to you. Brown, long,

36:58

middle part, same length. I'm

37:00

a girl, by the way. It's not that deep,

37:03

but I need a change in my life. Only

37:05

problem is that I've never had a drastic

37:08

haircut I didn't regret. So

37:10

should I dye it pink? Should I wear

37:12

a fringe? Should I shave it

37:14

all off? Should I care this much

37:17

about hair? Whatever you tell me

37:19

to do, I'll do it. Whoa.

37:21

Okay, I say don't dye it pink.

37:24

I don't know what a fringe is. Do you, Stephanie?

37:28

Oh, bangs. Oh, that's a fringe?

37:30

I guess so.

37:33

Should she get bangs? That seems, you know

37:35

what, that seems like that

37:37

would be the easiest change. Yeah,

37:39

but that, I feel like I need to see

37:41

what she looks like. Okay. Cause

37:44

people really regret bangs.

37:46

Or they get them and they think they've never

37:48

looked better in their life. Bangs

37:51

can look really cool. Yeah, yeah.

37:53

Did she preface this by saying that she really

37:56

wanted a change in her life or she's just bored

37:58

by her hair? She said,

37:59

I need a change in my life. She

38:02

actually said that. That's what

38:04

I thought. Yeah. This

38:06

is probably not very fun advice,

38:09

but I feel like you could start with

38:11

layers and then you could do like,

38:14

see how that feels. Then you could start

38:16

with like longer bangs, see if

38:18

you're okay, like go in stages.

38:21

Well, that's what I was saying is there's so many different kinds

38:24

of bangs. If you get the right bangs,

38:26

they could fall nicely. Yeah,

38:29

but she's like, I want a huge change

38:31

in my life. And she'd

38:34

sing, shave her head. What about pigtails?

38:38

She didn't specify good or bad change. Yeah,

38:42

that's like surprises. I always say they're

38:44

not necessarily always good.

38:46

I wouldn't say shave it all off, but

38:49

you're right. It would help to see this person.

38:51

Yeah, because maybe it would look really cool shaved

38:53

off.

38:54

Yeah, should I care this much about hair?

38:56

I say, yeah, you should. Even

38:59

though I look like I just rolled out of bed and

39:01

half the time I have,

39:02

I care so much about my hair. Stephanie

39:05

cares so much about her hair. It's

39:08

so important to me.

39:10

But I do feel like if you've never

39:12

had bangs, it's a place

39:14

to start. Yeah, or hair color.

39:17

What color? Blonde, what if she like went

39:19

blonde? All right. If you had dark

39:21

hair and you dyed it blonde

39:24

and you got bangs, you would

39:26

feel a massive change in your life. And

39:29

pigtails. Did they put them in pigtails? Is

39:31

it piggytails? Do they call them that too,

39:33

piggytails?

39:34

I've never heard that. I have

39:37

piggytails. That's a better

39:39

way to say it, piggytail. It's all

39:41

bad, pigtails or piggytails.

39:44

Yeah. Why did they say pig? They

39:46

don't have two things anywhere. That's

39:52

true. They don't have two

39:54

things anywhere. They have ears.

39:57

They have cloven hooves.

39:59

Is a pigtail referring to a pig's

40:02

tail and then you just have two of them? Yeah,

40:05

I guess so. Well,

40:07

and I bet that it came from also curling

40:10

them, you know, you probably curled them

40:13

with a curling iron or something.

40:15

That is so weird and gross

40:17

that somebody was doing somebody's hair and was like,

40:20

look at that pigtail. Would you

40:22

like a pigtail? And then you curl it and they're

40:24

like, that's

40:27

so cute. Yeah. Dye

40:29

your hair blonde, get bangs and have

40:32

one pigtail. And

40:34

why can't the back of your head be one

40:36

piggy tail? That's a ponytail.

40:40

I know. The pony got that one.

40:43

Yeah. Look at that. Named

40:45

after tails. Clearly, this

40:47

all came from the farm during

40:50

like pioneer times. No

40:52

other reference point. All right, Laura,

40:55

this isn't quite a name that

40:57

thing, but our advice to you

40:59

is legally binding. Please

41:02

send in a photo of

41:03

yourself with your new haircut. Stephanie,

41:06

our last segment is called Come Back

41:08

to Me Later.

41:14

Everyone

41:16

wishes they had the perfect response

41:18

at the ready for certain social interactions.

41:21

Come Back to Me Later is the

41:24

part of the show where we make that wish

41:26

come true. This request comes

41:28

to us from Sid. Sid

41:31

writes, Hey, Tig, my wife and

41:33

I recently had a baby and she's

41:35

wonderful. I carried her in feminine

41:38

presenting. And often when we're

41:40

out in the world, people just assume that

41:42

my partner is a man.

41:44

They refer to my husband when

41:46

they ask questions. I'm looking

41:48

for something funny or good to say to

41:50

them when I let them know our baby's

41:52

second parent is my wife, not

41:54

my husband. I would love your thoughts

41:57

and Stephanie's too. What have

41:59

you

41:59

said or done in this situation.

42:02

I

42:02

mean, I just have my go-to of

42:05

I just say, oh, I'm female.

42:07

That's what I was going to say is you always very

42:09

directly say, I'm female.

42:13

And there's no other follow-up.

42:16

And then it lingers. And then the person

42:18

apologizes. Yeah. But

42:21

then there have been times which I talked about

42:23

in my stand-up, the happy to be

42:26

here special. I talk about how when

42:28

somebody misgenders me, I misgender

42:31

them in response. Oh, yeah.

42:34

Yeah. Where they'll say, sir,

42:36

could I get your coat? And if

42:38

it's a woman, I'll say, no, sir. No,

42:41

thank you, sir. So

42:43

those are my two things. Do you

42:45

have any ideas, Stephanie? Yeah.

42:47

I mean, I'm so used to you. Every

42:49

time it happens, I know for sure you're

42:51

going to say that. And

42:54

so I'm trying to think of

42:56

what is another way to do it. And those

42:59

moments are

43:01

so tricky because nobody's

43:04

trying to offend anybody. It's just that sort

43:06

of when they're in the world of assumptions

43:09

and just firing off.

43:11

I don't know what she could say or

43:13

what would you want me to say

43:16

if you weren't to say anything?

43:18

I guess I don't want you to

43:20

say anything. I guess I don't

43:22

need you to. But I think

43:24

it's nice that Sid is

43:26

looking out for her wife. Yeah.

43:29

If it's a joke or not, I do think it's

43:31

important to correct the person.

43:34

And because I think people really walk away from that

43:36

moment going, oh, God, I'm not going to

43:38

do that again. You also used

43:40

to say, hers been.

43:42

Yeah, hers been. Oh, that's my hers

43:44

been. Yeah, I guess you could say that.

43:47

That's not my husband. That's my hers been.

43:50

Sid, that's what we think. And a warm

43:52

welcome to the newest member of your

43:55

family. Stephanie, that's

43:57

the end of the show. Thanks for joining me.

43:59

Did you have a good one?

43:59

a good time? I had a great time. Did

44:02

you? Yeah, I did. Oh, good. Did

44:04

you? I did. Is

44:06

there anything that you would like to mention

44:09

or talk about before you go? Well,

44:11

if you're in Los Angeles, I do

44:13

a show at that Bright Citizens Brigade

44:15

Theater called Pretty Darn Queer once a month.

44:20

What about your show with Mae? Yeah, I often

44:22

perform in Mae Martin and Friends

44:25

at Largo and Mae's show

44:27

pretty

44:27

much around Los Angeles. Great.

44:30

Well, we should get together and have dinner sometime.

44:34

Thank you again for taking

44:36

time to do the show and be my

44:38

first repeat

44:40

guest on Don't Ask Tig. Happy

44:42

to be here again. Still. Still.

44:45

All right. Well, I

44:47

guess we'll log

44:49

off here and then continue texting

44:51

and calling each other all day. Okay.

44:54

Right. Well, I love you. Yeah. And

44:58

I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. Okay.

45:01

Goodbye. And now

45:03

that the show is over, go to don'tasktig.org

45:06

slash live to sign up for our

45:09

special virtual event with Mark

45:12

Maron on April 24th at 6

45:14

p.m. Pacific time, 9

45:15

p.m. Eastern and 8 p.m.

45:18

Central. For more information, head

45:20

to don'tasktig.org slash

45:22

live and donate $15 or

45:24

more to attend. Again, Don't

45:27

Ask Tig live with Mark Maron is

45:29

happening April 24th at 6 p.m.

45:32

Pacific time. Head to

45:34

don'tasktig.org slash

45:36

live. Looking forward to seeing

45:39

you all there.

45:50

Oh, sweet. So

45:53

much. I want you to see. I wish

45:57

that I could give you the. Don't

46:29

Ask Tig is hosted by me,

46:31

Tig Notaro. It's produced by Thomas

46:34

Willett and Shana Deloria. Our

46:36

executive producer and editor is

46:38

Beth Kurlman. Engineering and sound

46:41

mixing by Alex Simpson. Digital

46:43

production by James Napoli. Talent

46:46

booking by Marianne Ways. Production

46:48

support from Maria Wurtell.

46:51

Our theme music is Friend

46:53

in Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle

46:55

Crushin. And Listen to Your Heart

46:57

by Edie Burkell. Special thanks

47:00

to Hunter Seidman. APM Studios

47:02

executives in charge are Chandra

47:05

Cavati, Alex Shaffert, and

47:07

Joanne Griffith. Concept developed

47:09

by Tracy Mumford. Our executive

47:11

consultant is Dean Capello and

47:14

Gobsmack Studios. You can

47:16

always ask for advice at don'tasktig.org.

47:19

Just write in with your problem or send

47:21

us a voice memo. Remember to follow

47:23

us on social media at Don't Ask Tig.

47:26

Don't Ask Tig is a production of American

47:29

Public

47:29

Media. And as always, thanks

47:31

Dana and I'll tell Becky.

47:53

Thank you.

48:13

If you like radically honest stories,

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never thought they'd dare to share.

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Like the one about the guy who cooked and served his

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own leg to his friends as tacos.

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Or the woman who found out the person she was sharing

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kinky fantasies with online was her

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dad. If you think you've heard it all,

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just wait till you hear Risk. Available

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