0:03

It's

0:06

Dope A

0:09

Podcast Showing A

0:11

Lot Of Love

0:14

For Recovery We

0:16

gave talks about

0:18

shit sometimes it's

0:20

really dumb It's

0:22

Dope A We've

0:26

all been way too steep and

0:28

full of drugs Sometimes we really

0:30

wanna get drunk Sometimes

0:33

the podcast is just

0:35

enough to stay clean

0:37

Nothing does it the

0:39

way that you help

0:41

my anxiety Even

0:45

Chris, they were a magical team

0:47

I loved Dope In

0:51

my hands and on my screen I

0:54

loved Dope And

0:57

I especially love, it's time

0:59

to look in It's Dope

1:02

A Podcast Showing A Lot

1:05

Of Love For Recovery We

1:08

gave talks about shit sometimes it's really

1:11

dumb It's Dope We've

1:14

all been way too steep and full

1:16

of drugs Sometimes we really wanna get

1:19

drunk Sometimes the podcast

1:21

is just enough It's

1:23

Dope A

1:26

Podcast Showing A Lot Of

1:28

Love For Recovery Day

1:31

in class and well shit sometimes it's

1:34

really dumb It's Dope We've

1:37

all been way too steep and full of drugs Sometimes

1:42

we really wanna get drunk

1:44

Sometimes the podcast is just

1:46

enough Dopey

2:00

Tuesday. And this is

2:02

that time because Amy

2:04

Dopey Dresner is back

2:06

on the show. Yay!

2:09

We missed Amy we need to have

2:12

her back on. And I also need

2:14

to say that this episode of Dopey

2:16

Tuesday is brought to you by Lucid

2:19

Sober Dating and the

2:22

Lucid Sober Network. Lucid

2:25

Sober Dating is the best

2:27

sober dating bar none. Go

2:29

to the App Store or

2:31

the Google Play Store and download

2:34

Lucid Sober Dating. It's free. Everyone

2:37

on there is super attractive and ready

2:39

to date or that's what I hear.

2:41

I can't I'm personally in a committed

2:43

relationship so I can't be fucking with

2:46

sober dating. But if I was sober

2:48

and not in a committed

2:50

relationship I would be

2:52

totally all over Lucid Sober Dating

2:55

and also the Lucid Sober Network

2:57

is incredible. Also free. It's got

2:59

daily gratitude, sober tips of the

3:01

day, the struggling section,

3:04

recovery voices which is

3:07

over 50 episodes, speaking with

3:09

fellow addicts, sober influencers, celebrities,

3:11

therapists who deal in trauma,

3:13

you name it. I'm actually

3:15

gonna be on one of

3:17

those so check that out.

3:19

And then there's sobriety addiction

3:22

mentor program which is a

3:24

daily accountability feature that Lucid

3:26

Sober Network just launched. So

3:28

go to Lucid Sober Network and you

3:31

know listen support Lucid

3:33

because they support us. Also

3:35

I don't think I think maybe we'll do

3:38

one Dopey Tuesday a month and

3:40

the rest of the Dopey Tuesdays will

3:42

just be on patreon. So if you're

3:44

looking for extra Dopey or just want

3:46

to support the cause which we appreciate

3:48

there's been some new dopes on patreon.

3:51

I actually got this really sweet

3:53

note on patreon that I would

3:56

like to read. Hello Dave I

3:58

stumbled upon you in in 2020

4:00

on the Knocking Doors Down

4:03

podcast. You got me

4:05

through the pandemic, listening to you, instantly

4:07

fell in love with you guys. I

4:10

actually listened from the beginning, I am a

4:12

listen from the beginning kind of person, and

4:14

I went back and listened. Chris

4:17

actually died for me August

4:19

21st, driving home, I sobbed. I

4:22

think it took me until 22 to

4:24

actually catch up. I've

4:26

been current with your episode since. I

4:29

do have some addiction problems. I have

4:31

never seen any professional help.

4:34

I always kept it under control. Never

4:36

been much of a boozer, love

4:38

my marijuana, and

4:41

dabbled in cocaine, crack,

4:44

LSD, not in 18 years. Mushrooms,

4:48

current mushrooms. A

4:50

few times a year, marijuana on day to

4:53

day, uses alcohol on

4:55

occasion. Now it just doesn't agree with my

4:57

body and it's not worth it. I

4:59

watched 90% of my family members going

5:02

through mostly alcohol addiction,

5:05

growing up to the grandchild of the

5:07

biggest pedophile in a small town. Yeesh.

5:10

Yet he was also the town's hero

5:12

in the fire department. I'm

5:14

more on the side of the enabler. I

5:16

distance myself from most of my family. I

5:19

really don't have much relationship with them. Most

5:21

of my adult life has been healing from

5:23

a lot of shit they've put me through.

5:26

I spent my time trying to forgive

5:28

them. They didn't have the tools to

5:30

do what they needed to do for

5:33

themselves to make sure that they didn't

5:35

hurt their own children. I tried to

5:37

stop a lot of that with my

5:39

children, but unfortunately some of the things

5:41

were too late before I realized the

5:43

damage I had already done. I have

5:45

a strong relationship with my kids now

5:49

and sometimes we struggle. I'd love to hear

5:51

this on the podcast. Do I get socks?

5:53

Yes, you get socks. Also this woman,

5:56

I think her name is Carrie.

5:59

Carrie. signed up at

6:01

the $15 level of Patreon, which

6:03

gets you socks and stickers, even

6:05

if I didn't read this. So sign up

6:08

to Patreon. I think $10

6:10

gets you a lot of stickers. $5 gets you a few.

6:15

15 gets you socks and stickers. There's the

6:17

Patreon Zoom on once a

6:20

month. There's also the weekly recovery

6:22

Zoom Wednesday morning. Sign up for

6:24

Patreon. Support the show. Thank you,

6:27

Carrie. For the note, here

6:29

is Dopey Drez. Oh

6:32

yeah. If you want to send in

6:34

an email or a voicemail, send it

6:36

to dopeypodcast.gmail.com. Email

6:38

shouldn't be that long. Two pages

6:41

max. Some people are writing me fucking

6:43

10 page emails. Be 20 minutes on

6:45

the show and a voicemail. Four

6:47

minutes seems appropriate. Anyway, here

6:49

is the Dopey Drez. So

6:54

after many, many, many

6:57

moons without her, the one

6:59

and only My Fair Junkie author, former

7:04

rehab confidential host, fucking

7:07

epic monument to Dopey

7:10

recovering addiction. And

7:12

of course, dumb shit. Amy

7:14

Dopey Drezner. How

7:18

are you, Amy? I'm good. I'm good, man.

7:20

You got to have me back on and

7:22

fucking fill everyone in on the fucking shit

7:24

show avalanche of grief and medical problems and

7:27

loss and fucking horrors that have been going

7:29

on. Well, the irony is

7:32

Amy has lost her, and I'm going

7:34

to say this glibly, but obviously I

7:36

don't mean it glibly. Amy has lost

7:38

her mother, her father, her cat,

7:41

her health, her sanity. And

7:44

yet she's here to talk about

7:46

sober dating today. Fucking

7:48

yeah, man. You gotta like, gotta get the D.

7:50

You know what I'm saying? No matter what. I

7:53

love you though, Amy. I love you, baby. You

7:55

know, I do. And obviously even

7:57

if you're not on the show commiserating, we

7:59

commiserate. misery off the show. Yeah,

8:02

it's been rough. It's been a rough year now. Like

8:05

I was like literally homeless and like it shit like that.

8:07

I was like, Oh, and now I can't have him be

8:10

able to drive for a while. And I was like, Hey,

8:13

so but I have this slideshow.

8:16

Definitely. I'm a fucking robot,

8:18

man. I'm a fucking junky robot.

8:21

Please explain, explain the mechanism that's

8:23

been sewn into your chest. It's

8:25

the Vegas nerve stimulator I had

8:28

it put in in September. It

8:31

has a wire that goes up, that's a battery and

8:33

has a wire that goes up to your biggest nerve,

8:35

which is why my voice is a little bit weird.

8:38

And it shoots up fucking electrical signals

8:40

into your brain. So like when it

8:42

senses that you're having a seizure, it's

8:45

like, No, it's like a shock collar

8:47

for seizures basically. And it

8:49

seems to be working. But of course, I'm

8:52

almost at the fucking max. And

8:54

I've had it for six months. But it's

8:56

working. Yeah, I mean, he

8:58

looks a little bit better. But we're gonna next week,

9:00

I'll be at the very max that this thing can

9:02

do. And everyone's like, you're at the fucking max

9:05

like the max, like the therapeutic levels like

9:08

1.5, like hertz

9:10

or whatever, like voltage, and I'll

9:12

be at 3.5. Because of

9:14

hardcore. Well, that's for sure.

9:16

The question is, have you

9:19

had seizures in the past few years? Yes.

9:22

Have you had your bicycle helmet at the

9:24

ready or no? No, that was my friends.

9:26

I gave it back to him. And I

9:28

also like racial death sticker on it. And

9:31

I don't really like the dad. That's

9:33

neither here nor there. But that

9:35

was no, I haven't had any grandmas. I haven't had

9:38

grandmas. I've had like weird like, when my eyes were

9:41

like, was leaving my body, like I've had minor ones,

9:43

but not and I'm on three fucking medications.

9:46

So what does it feel like when you and it's all

9:48

from epilepsy? Yeah, it's all from

9:50

crystal meth. Thanks, Tina, you fucking bitch. So

9:53

this is is it from crystal meth. Yeah. Explain

9:56

that, please. I'm not the only

9:58

person I know that has gotten. a seizure

10:00

disorder from crystal. So I have

10:03

hyperactive lesions on my brain. They found them when

10:05

I was five years sober in a different sobriety.

10:07

I was living in France and the French doctor

10:09

was just like, you know, have you had a

10:11

head injury? And I was like, no. And he was like, give uplifts in

10:13

your family. And I was like, no. He was

10:15

just like, you have, he goes,

10:18

did you do a lot of drugs? And I was like, what's

10:22

a lot doctor? Yeah, right. Yeah. Just write

10:24

a line. Cause I'm like, hmm. So

10:27

I mean, what got me into rehab the

10:29

first time was a seizure on

10:31

crystal. Tell the story. So

10:33

I've been up for like five days. I think what

10:35

fucked me up was being up for 17 days

10:38

in a row. I think that's when I was writing the

10:40

new Bible and just shit like that. I've

10:42

been up for about five days and I woke, I

10:44

walked into a market and I woke up and I

10:46

was in an ambulance and, uh,

10:49

the woman was like, did you do any drugs

10:51

tonight? Sweetheart. And I was

10:53

like, obviously really shitty ones. Cause here

10:55

I am like still a dick, right? Totally.

10:57

And they were like, what year is it?

10:59

Who's the president? I have like fucking no

11:02

idea. And so they took

11:04

me to the hospital and, um,

11:06

we're not sure, but like, I'm sure cause

11:08

you're not that disoriented when you faint. You're

11:11

that disoriented from a seizure. And then about

11:14

five years later I started having grand mal

11:16

seizures. Like bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. And

11:19

then, um, they were controlled for

11:21

like 10 years and then everyone died and I

11:23

just, I don't

11:25

know the stress and perimenopause cause I'm old,

11:28

you know, uh, hit me. My hormones

11:30

change and that's a big trigger and

11:32

stress is a big trigger. And then they, they

11:34

came back and now I'm on three controlled

11:37

medications. I'm on more drugs than when I

11:39

was on drugs, yo. I mean,

11:41

definitely aren't. No,

11:44

I really am. Okay. So what drugs are

11:46

you on first? Phenobarbital, which

11:48

is like, yeah, that's like old

11:50

school, like Elvis, probably at Judy

11:52

Garland, Maryland or no. Like literally

11:54

I go to the, the

11:56

thing they're like, does this free your fucking money?

11:58

You go to the vet. I'm like, it's actually

12:00

for me. It's not for my epileptic dog,

12:03

asshole. I'm

12:06

on the highest dose, I guess you can fucking give

12:08

a human being. Go see the avatar.

12:10

Yeah, and then they added Klonopin, and

12:12

then that worked for

12:14

a while, and then it didn't, so she

12:17

pulled it back, and then now we have

12:19

Xcopri, which is like this new medication that

12:21

no one carries, and they have to always

12:23

order it, and when

12:26

she got up to 200 milligrams,

12:29

I became instantly suicidal, like

12:31

instantly. So that's a good- That's a

12:33

side effect, that's a side effect, and that's why I

12:35

went in psych ward, you

12:38

know? And I was like, hi,

12:40

I'm really, really, really, really depressed,

12:42

doctor. I didn't want her to 50, 150 me. Well-

12:47

I was like, you need to drop it down. So

12:49

she dropped it down to 150, and I was like,

12:51

okay. But I mean, like, I'm tired. I'm like, it's

12:53

a lot of sedating shit, you know? And my memory

12:55

is like, pfft. But none

12:57

of those really did it. And I'm

12:59

kind of like, my epilepsy

13:02

is treatment resistant at this point.

13:04

So it's really, I've been on every med. So then they

13:06

put a battery in my chest. Yeah,

13:09

I think it's amazing. Obviously, like

13:11

we sit here and we talk about addiction,

13:13

and we talk about wellness, and we talk

13:15

about recovery, and we talk about all this

13:17

shit all day. And still, I'm shocked at

13:20

what stress can actually do to you. You

13:23

know what I mean? Like, it's like shocking to

13:25

me that stress, which

13:27

comes from some neuroses,

13:30

fear, whatever in us,

13:33

triggers this chemical reaction in your

13:35

brain, which gives you seizures. It's

13:37

so- So I already had epilepsy. Right, and

13:39

it triggers it. It triggers the epilepsy. Yeah,

13:41

it's a big, big trigger. Not in like

13:43

too much caffeine, you know, getting

13:46

upset, not getting enough sleep. Yeah.

13:49

It's just, it's remarkable, because like when

13:52

people talk about managing stress, that's

13:54

what they're talking about. Yeah, it's gnarly for your

13:56

body. It's super gnarly, and it's like not something

13:58

we gave a fuck about. I mean like before,

14:01

you know, we would just take something and

14:04

then that was it And

14:07

we can't do that anymore now It's like we've got to

14:09

be in our bodies and feel everything, you know I some

14:12

people in a are like you're not sober you're

14:14

on those men and I'm like suck my dick,

14:16

you know Oh, you know, there's an

14:19

Australian saying called suck it and see

14:21

which is like fuck around and find out So

14:23

that's my new favorite saying because I have a

14:25

spiritual penis. It's suck it and see Wow,

14:29

but I want to ask you before we get

14:31

into the the miracle of sober

14:33

dating I want to ask you

14:35

because like obviously we've talked a

14:37

lot in the past couple years and we

14:39

did a recording but How

14:42

is all this stress and

14:44

all of this adversity? difficulty

14:48

tragedy Tragedy forget all

14:50

the other words Tragedy fucking

14:52

parents dying all

14:55

within ten months all within ten months like everyone's

14:57

talking died in ten months Yeah, like ward

14:59

and yet you've maintained Recovery,

15:01

how does that work? It

15:07

made me cry I have eyeliner on

15:09

I was always better when the guys cry so

15:11

if you feel it coming Just

15:14

let it just let it blow such a sadist

15:16

man I

15:19

promised my father my when my father was diagnosed with

15:21

cancer. He just said, you know When

15:24

I die and I went if you know if if

15:26

if Anybody was 80 and

15:28

he just said, you know when Amy

15:31

I'm fucking 80 years old when I

15:33

die You know, please don't kill yourself

15:35

or relapse. I've spent half my fucking life trying to

15:37

keep you alive And

15:39

I promised him and my dad was my person and

15:41

I can't I don't don't break a promise to my

15:44

dad And then when

15:46

he was But

15:48

I had three years sober you guys know this if you read

15:50

the book I was like, oh my

15:52

god Like three years sober. Yay. This of this thing. I have

15:54

11 now 11 years and It

15:58

goes all drink to that Okay, don't be a

16:00

deck, you know. And he was just like. I.

16:03

Go! Are you ashamed of me? You

16:05

know, like when you talk to your friends

16:08

as kids are like he'll lawyers and have

16:10

houses and children and like he inherited Spock

16:12

in a junkie, like been a junkie and

16:14

and six rehabs and were psych wards and

16:16

can't fucking get it together? Like are you

16:19

saying like are you ashamed. And.

16:21

You said my friends wish they. Had a

16:23

kid is unbreakable. As. You. And

16:27

I was like whoa, right? So when

16:29

he was dying. He

16:32

said. It's.

16:38

Just sit on. Your still

16:41

unbreakable. Don't let

16:43

me change that. I

16:47

am. Are so you know. Even

16:49

though I wanted to do check the

16:51

fuck out my really get high because

16:53

good with epilepsy that sounds really scary

16:55

and like everything would just hundred com

16:58

apart like I've done that experimental lotta

17:00

times. you know when I mean. Ah,

17:03

that more suicide was kind of like

17:05

the option I was thinking about. I

17:08

think that because both of us have so

17:10

much. ah. Skin. And

17:12

recovery game and every which way

17:15

like it. So. Built. Into

17:17

everything that you and I do like,

17:19

I don't think about using. I

17:21

just I don't do think about suicide. Know.

17:24

And I think about, ah, on crimewatch. I

17:26

think about other stuff. but. But.

17:29

If your father made you promise not to

17:31

kill yourself, was that would tour real? I

17:33

I know. Get it. Did that keep it up

17:35

a lot? What was more. Fresh,

17:37

In your head Suicide. Or

17:39

or or relapse. Suicide. And.

17:42

How close did you com? Ah,

17:45

I was starting to. you

17:47

know, really? think about plans.

17:50

Did you have a plan? Not. Specifically

17:53

and even in a couple weeks ago it came

17:55

back. You know it's like something of struggle with

17:57

my whole life and I have tried to kill

17:59

myself much time. So it's not like that far out. You

18:01

know what I mean? No,

18:03

I just kick around plans. And it's an

18:05

idea that's always floated around in my head for years

18:07

and years and years. So it's not, you

18:10

know. But when I start to think about plans

18:12

and what I would say in a note, then

18:14

I'm like, OK, we're getting a little specific and

18:16

a little close. And this is getting a little

18:18

scary. And then I tell my therapist.

18:20

He's like, how are you feeling now? And I'm

18:23

like, blah, blah, blah. But it's like,

18:25

I don't know. It seems to be more common. And

18:27

I wrote a piece about it for Work at Health

18:30

so it's depression and suicidality and recovery.

18:32

Because no one talks about it. But

18:34

I just found out that my friend's

18:36

sponsor, who was younger than me and

18:39

was a therapist, killed

18:42

himself in January. I mean, it's

18:44

something that you know that. You know a

18:46

lot of people with time that fucking killed

18:48

themselves. It's like a big thing. I don't

18:50

know anybody, but I've heard stories. You know

18:52

what I mean? I've heard stories. Now, since

18:54

you are in the public eye, when

18:57

people, and you've had suicidal ideation and

18:59

you've had suicidal attempts, would you call

19:02

them attempts? Oh, yeah. OK.

19:04

Oh, I've been my risk of a box cutter. Yeah.

19:08

So when someone approaches

19:10

you and says, I'm

19:12

thinking about it, what do you say to

19:15

them? No one does that. Nobody

19:17

does that. No one really does

19:19

that. I mean, if they did, I would say,

19:23

have you seen a psychiatrist? Are

19:25

you talking to a therapist? How

19:27

long has this been going on? You have a plan? You

19:30

know, like if you're really

19:32

concerned about hurting yourself, then you should check in

19:34

somewhere, even though it sucks. And

19:37

that's what you did, right? Yeah. And

19:40

where were you at before you checked in at that

19:42

point? I was living in Pasadena.

19:45

I was working as a nanny and trying to fucking

19:48

get my second book together. And

19:51

then I went to Los Encinas for six

19:53

days. And then I was in outpatient for

19:55

about a month. And what

19:57

changed? Well,

20:02

things changed. You know what I

20:04

mean? You got on the other side of it. It

20:08

still comes back. I mean, you know, I'm still trying

20:10

to put my life back together. Like

20:12

I know I have my own apartment. Now I have

20:14

a fucking new agent. Now I have

20:16

a fucking, you know, putting together

20:18

different jobs for money. I'm a nanny again.

20:21

Everyone's like, you're good with babies. That seems

20:23

weird. And I'm like, yeah, I'm amazing. Because

20:25

I am a baby. So

20:28

I know what they want. So I'm working with a baby

20:30

that's like three months old.

20:33

Now, it's very actually very

20:35

like grounding. What

20:37

do you think you would suggest to

20:40

anybody who's going through depression

20:42

and recovery, or suicidal

20:45

ideation or hopelessness? How

20:47

do you get through it? What do you do? I

20:50

think 80% of people who have like drug

20:52

and alcohol problems have mental illness. And so

20:54

like, that's kind of just our jam. You

20:56

know what I mean? Like you're gonna be

20:58

dual diagnosis, like most people and I have

21:00

always been. So it's like

21:02

you just really have to focus

21:04

on, you know, your

21:07

mental health. It's like and it's like and knowing

21:09

that it will pass. You know what I mean?

21:11

Like so many times when I look back at

21:13

the times I attempted suicide, like, thank God I

21:15

didn't fucking like what wasn't successful. You know what

21:17

I mean? You know, everyone's

21:19

like, oh, you're killing the wrong person. And it's

21:21

like, okay, but you know, you

21:24

really hurt a lot of people when you do that. Like,

21:26

that's the big thing. I've seen the

21:29

fallout from other people doing it. And

21:31

people are just destroyed.

21:33

But I also understand being in so much pain emotionally

21:36

and mentally and just not just feeling like you're struggling

21:38

and being like, I got to get out of here.

21:40

You know, it was like, I think David Foster

21:43

Wallace, who wrote Infinite Jazz was talking

21:45

about, you know, people who commit

21:47

suicide are like, they're like people

21:50

who jumped from a flaming high rise. It's not that

21:52

they're not afraid of the fall. They're more afraid of

21:54

the flames that are going to consume them in the

21:56

building. So you're just kind of

21:58

like, I got to get out of inside. here. We're

22:00

gonna gotta get out. So it's like,

22:03

yeah, I wrote a piece about it. And it was it

22:05

went like, it kind of almost went viral. And a lot

22:07

of people wrote to me and they were like, fucking thank

22:09

you for talking about this. You know what

22:11

I mean? Thank you for talking about the thing that

22:13

no one will talk about. And like,

22:15

you know, because everyone likes to be like, you

22:17

get sober and all your problems just go away.

22:20

It's just unicorns and rainbows.

22:22

Yay. And one girl wrote

22:24

to me and just said thank you

22:26

because my uncle killed himself and

22:28

I was really angry. And now I understand

22:30

more about what he was going through. Thank

22:33

you. And a lot of people were

22:35

like, just most people were just like, thank you for

22:37

fucking bringing this out and to be open and like,

22:39

stigmatizing it. It's all like I got lots of days

22:41

over it. But you know, I'm

22:44

sure the offers you got were not the offers that

22:46

you wanted. I

22:48

know. Um, what was I gonna say? I was gonna

22:51

say you had I had asked you what you say

22:53

to people when they approach you in similar situations. And

22:55

you said they don't approach you. Like

22:57

people who are in that kind of depressive. Maybe

23:01

they have I just say, I

23:03

understand. You're not alone. I get

23:05

it. It's gonna pass. Get help.

23:07

Get professional fucking help. Like,

23:10

thank you for trusting me enough to talk to me about

23:12

it. Like I'm a fucking stranger to them. You know what

23:14

I mean? And I was just like, you

23:16

know, go get help. See

23:20

what you can do with meds. See what you can

23:22

do with a therapy. Build like a connect, but like, please

23:24

know that you're you're it will pass and please know that

23:26

you're not alone. Like I get it.

23:28

I totally fucking get it. And I'm

23:31

sorry, you're in so much pain. Like I get

23:33

it. They want that. That's what they

23:35

want. That's what they need. And

23:37

I think that helps a lot of people. And I think,

23:41

again, we were supposed to talk about sober

23:43

dating, but I didn't feel like

23:45

we could until we talked about

23:47

some of this stuff. And

23:49

like, and what do you do, like, to

23:51

maintain yourself now? Like, what are you doing

23:54

to maintain your mental health now? I'm

23:56

in therapy. Once

23:59

a week, you know. I mean Say

24:02

the psychiatrist was like I don't really have any

24:04

medications to offer you you've been on the wall

24:07

So the ones he has offered me that I've been on

24:09

make me like I don't know who the fuck I am

24:11

I'm aware. I am it's like I was just like So

24:17

I've dug back into like

24:20

borderline DBM borderline and I've dug

24:22

back into Dialectical

24:24

behavioral therapy and we're going

24:26

through those skills. So I have to use a

24:28

skill set. I have to use tools Otherwise I'm

24:30

fucked. I can't think myself out of it. I

24:32

have to take action to change my feelings I

24:35

sleep a lot to be honest with you I take I

24:37

just if I if I'm like I can't handle what's going

24:39

on I just fucking crawl into my bed, which

24:42

is not the best but it's better than hurting

24:44

myself or you know The

24:47

other things I used to do, you know, right, right,

24:49

right No

24:51

meetings meetings. No meetings I'm

24:54

supposed to be going to meetings. I'm you know,

24:56

I can't drive. I don't feel like online meetings

24:58

are like the

25:00

same They're nice. My sponsor wants

25:03

me to go to meetings. He was like You

25:06

know I've gotten a couple meetings

25:08

with a person that I'm dating Because newly

25:10

sober and it's like very active in the

25:12

program. Mostly I've been speaking at meetings, which

25:14

is really like fucking. Okay Let

25:17

me tell you how you should do it Well,

25:21

I don't do it let me tell you

25:23

how you should right that's always a

25:25

classic that's always a gem Oh, you

25:27

want me to speak? Oh, I would love to I

25:29

don't love to I mean People are

25:31

just like you're fucking great and I want you

25:33

to speak and I was like, oh, okay, you

25:36

know, yes Service. Okay.

25:38

I always feel good after I think

25:41

you should be going to meetings I think you should

25:43

just go to I should but I how do I

25:45

fucking get there? Just go to zoom meetings. Even if

25:47

they suck just go just go they suck though You

25:50

don't like I need to get out of the house. I

25:52

need to get out of the house and be a connect

25:54

You know see just but if you're in the house, you

25:56

should just do it. It's like use the tools. It's fucking

25:58

sitting there It's free. Just do it Just

26:00

please do it. Give me a break every

26:02

Wednesday morning. It's too early. Actually you get

26:04

up fucking early every Wednesday morning We do

26:06

a dopey one you should come Do

26:09

you up at six in the morning? Yeah,

26:11

dollars. I know you are so

26:14

good. Well, you come to our thing now

26:17

We had the miraculous Actually,

26:19

I had the miraculous Thing

26:22

of getting lucid to sponsor dopey for

26:24

a month because I saw you

26:26

were working with them and I was like,

26:28

ooh What's what's lucid? Tell

26:31

me about lucid I could we

26:33

need a spot We need a sober

26:35

app to sponsor the show and it

26:37

turned out lucid is this incredible free

26:39

sober app Yeah, they're not only an

26:41

incredible free sober app What

26:44

I mean, did you know that what I wanted to do

26:47

before I made a podcast? No,

26:49

and before I was a cookie

26:51

creator and before all this stuff

26:53

I wanted to set up a

26:55

dating app a sober dating away

26:57

called the 13th step Where

27:01

the only requirement for membership was the

27:03

desire to stop drinking Hilarious

27:09

there's so many like dating so

27:11

perhaps now but I

27:13

think lucid is super special and I think lucid

27:15

is really cool because They

27:18

have a section for struggling if you're struggling

27:20

and so people come in like support you

27:22

and I think that's really dope You know,

27:24

that's the struggle section. Yeah, and I

27:26

love that, you know, and then there's also like

27:28

a whole thing of like I Forget

27:32

what it's called There's just you

27:34

know Reminds you to do the things remind you

27:36

did you do a fucking gratitude list? Did you

27:38

go to a meeting? Did you do the you

27:40

know recovery check-in? Yeah, and the more that you

27:42

do it the more it starts to like Personalize

27:45

it towards you, you know, if I

27:47

don't know about you like I know what I should do

27:49

is but I need someone to push me I Just

27:53

need To when I'm

27:55

not doing well Do what you

27:57

just said and take action like

27:59

I need to practice mindfulness. I need to

28:01

take action when I'm not feeling

28:04

like I have it together. Well, ZBT

28:06

is very, very overlaps with AA because

28:08

the woman who started it, Marshall Lenehan

28:10

was in AA. I

28:13

didn't know that until I was like, God, this seems like a

28:15

lot of AA tools. You know what I

28:17

mean? Like, you know, and then I found out

28:19

later she was, you know, sober. Okay. Well,

28:22

I need some tools. What kind of tools you got?

28:24

I don't know. I'm just restarting. I had done the year like

28:27

10 years ago. What is it called? DBT,

28:29

dialectal behavioral therapy. Yeah. I've

28:33

done DMT, but I've never done DBT. Very

28:36

different. Okay. So we're talking

28:38

sober dating now. Alright. Dating

28:41

someone not sober can not only be,

28:43

this is from MJ Gottlieb, the

28:46

co-founder and CEO of Lucid. Dating

28:50

someone not sober can not only

28:52

be a complete shit show, but

28:55

deadly. And he's right.

28:57

Absolutely. Oh yeah. I had an ex who

28:59

we were both sober when we got into

29:01

the relationship and then he

29:06

relapsed and he encouraged me.

29:10

I was on oxy for a shoulder injury. I

29:12

think I was abusing it, but anyway, he

29:14

encouraged me to drink on my

29:17

40th birthday. He was like, he was drinking and he was

29:19

like, you can have one glass of wine. And he knew

29:21

very much about what that would do to me. And

29:23

I was also on oxy and I didn't just

29:25

have one glass of wine because I'm a fucking

29:27

alcoholic. And I don't remember the rest of the

29:29

night, but I spent, we were in Vegas and

29:31

I spent the whole three days throwing up in

29:33

the hotel room and he never called

29:35

the doctor. I don't know what's up

29:38

with when you mix fucking booze and oxy,

29:40

but like, holy shit, I was so sick. I

29:43

couldn't, when I was dating, I couldn't

29:46

handle sober dating personally. Like

29:49

I, in fact, the first time I

29:51

got sober, I was not in my

29:53

relationship and I was in a different

29:56

12 step fellowship. Oh

29:58

Really? What was that? The lands

30:00

of a different no no god I

30:02

love your life So like open surgeon

30:04

Noom, the driver and I protect anonymity.

30:07

All. Son, that's all all about is

30:09

practicing the principles non in some

30:11

of my affairs. But. All.

30:14

Of My Affairs Amy Dresdner. Fuck.

30:17

Is all of them now? but when I

30:19

was in a different fellowship it's will say

30:21

it rhymes with am A. But. Itself,

30:23

it's more like it's at doesn't really rhyme

30:25

with them. I had any I was are

30:28

cloud I've got it out of Miami Dresdner

30:30

Fat Narcotics Anonymous Authors: Are you going to

30:32

miss sex addicts anonymous sources as I'm in

30:34

love with slaw. Sars and

30:36

laws and says sales and

30:39

all those like I was

30:41

essay as say so I

30:43

was desperately trying to d

30:45

soberly. But. Like I never

30:47

had a drinking problem so I just figured

30:49

if I went dealing with just drink and

30:51

I do like allies are they worth it?

30:53

Was good. It as ago I was a

30:55

nightmare. Why don't I doesn't need. Every.

30:58

Other settings. On I would

31:00

when I went on dates I would have a

31:02

few. I mean I had my move. I would

31:04

have a few drinks. And. Then I'd put

31:06

my hand on their him. I called it the him on

31:08

hand. And. If they take the hand I

31:10

figure were good and if they don't I figured

31:13

that the him in a guy is a but

31:15

and on hands yourself was a time would cry

31:17

on the related most. A hand on him

31:19

and on ham. It's low. It's

31:21

low risk that are more up through the

31:23

lower as Cairo. It doesn't put that on.

31:26

Now you're like okay what's going on here

31:28

taken that average are. Taking. The

31:30

temperature? nobody. It's like. okay. I was glad that

31:32

I can respect that. I use a i

31:34

am on hand is a good move or opposing

31:36

Now I've I've stimulus I love to give you

31:38

said mean do you sit on your so nobody

31:40

at net. What Are you? mentally? you've never in.

31:43

The History of Dopey Have you listened to? Any.

31:45

Episodes even including the episodes you've

31:47

been on which I respect my

31:49

dad. He. Just listens to the episodes

31:51

he's been on. Every so often that

31:54

you don't listen to any of that know because

31:56

it's gonna make me a self conscious and I

31:58

don't like. you know, I don't really. I don't

32:01

read, like I don't, I didn't never read the

32:03

reviews of my book. I don't read the,

32:05

you know, comments on articles because it's

32:08

going to make me like be fucking,

32:11

it's not going to allow me to be my truthful self.

32:13

I'm going to be like, oh my God, I need to

32:15

do this and please people are like, it's, you know, my

32:17

dad said never read fucking reviews because the good ones

32:19

will make you think you should have won a

32:21

Pulitzer prize and the bad ones are going to

32:23

make you fucking throw yourself out of window with

32:25

your fucking typewriter. But like even big actors don't

32:28

watch themselves on a screen. No,

32:30

I listen, I hear you. You know, I thought he just

32:32

more of a disorder. I'll watch him be like,

32:34

eww, like I just don't, I'm not that interested

32:36

in myself. Like, I wish I could, you know, like

32:38

I told the guy that I'm dating now, he

32:40

was just like, I said, go to eat someone normal.

32:44

Go to eat someone normal. And I said, I'm

32:46

mentally ill. Go do someone normal. I said, I wouldn't

32:48

want to date me. I don't even want to be

32:50

me, bro. You

32:54

are sober dating right now. When

32:56

you went, you, how did that happen?

32:58

And did he, did he do hand

33:00

on hand? No. Oh God.

33:03

So I was staying with a friend during this five

33:05

month period where I was homeless and he

33:07

was, so she was sober and he came over

33:09

to do some work for her. He

33:12

was sober. And I don't know,

33:14

there was just like a fucking

33:16

flash between us. But

33:18

I was dating someone else over that I was kind

33:20

of living with. So I was just like, Hey, dude,

33:23

I can't really like, what, let me let this other

33:25

thing fucking peter out. And that's not me. I've been,

33:27

I've been celibate for like six years. You know what

33:29

I mean? So it was like very weird.

33:31

And all of a sudden, like there's all

33:33

this, all these options. And

33:35

I was like, don't, and then when I was staying

33:38

with the other guy, the other sober guy where

33:40

it was not working, it was not a match.

33:43

And he said, he texted me and I was

33:45

like, dude, I said, don't text me. Like, do

33:47

not fucking, he goes, I'm just saying hi. I

33:49

was like, do you understand? Like I'm a fucking

33:51

recovering sex and whatnot. Like just hi. It's like,

33:53

like everything lights up. Like I

33:55

can't, you can't. I can't have contact with you,

33:57

dude. I'm living with this person or staying with

33:59

them. Like don't. And he was

34:01

like, fine. I said, just shelve it until this thing, you know,

34:04

and then so First night

34:06

in my new place. I'd almost relapse on

34:08

pain pills for some root

34:10

canals and I gotten off them And

34:12

there's an article coming out about that Which

34:14

is actually I don't know. I thought it was a big glib.

34:17

The guy the guy who the fucking endodontist

34:19

was an ex-cop Like

34:21

what are the chances? So of course I tell him all

34:23

my shit and I was like don't give me pain pills

34:26

Like laughs on my pain pills. I tried to stab

34:28

my ex music before I was an Adonis as a

34:30

cop and I was just like Of

34:33

course you were like right

34:35

fuck, you know, so anyway,

34:38

I called him and he was like

34:40

what's up and I was just like

34:42

I am Kind

34:44

of having a little bit of suicidal ideation and

34:46

I Will couple days off

34:49

of pain pills and I'm alone in my new

34:51

place and I feel fucking not right And

34:53

he was like, let me pick you up and take you to a meeting And

34:56

I was like that would be great and he picked

34:58

me up and we never He

35:04

fingered me in like his car and I squirted all

35:06

over his truck so that's the truth He just did

35:08

hand on vagina. He didn't do hand on hand. Yeah,

35:10

I don't know something just happened I don't even just

35:12

like it was like I mean he'd been brewing for

35:14

a while and then like I think I fucked him

35:16

In his sober living and he's still in sober living.

35:18

It's like but he's like almost through your sober I

35:20

was like, this is such on sober behavior and you're

35:22

such a piece of shit But

35:24

it what do you think about fucking in sober

35:27

living? It does that beat fucking in a car

35:29

or in a house like fucking in sober I

35:31

mean it's very high because you had a roommate

35:33

I was like if someone gonna walk in at

35:36

any moment Like I make it on your bed

35:38

and what there's like a divider between you and

35:40

some fucking dude Like, you know, I just

35:42

don't like I really you

35:45

know, I Was

35:47

just like this is so you're almost 11

35:49

years sober. I'm 10 years older than him. So So

35:52

it's like it doesn't make you feel it's a youthful

35:54

thing. It's like a trial Every

35:57

the only time I haven't had many I've

36:00

had like more like rehab uh, what are

36:02

you, infatuations. Like,

36:05

not like fucking in the laundry room. I

36:07

have a lot of those. How

36:10

many people have you fucked in the laundry room? Not

36:12

in the laundry room, but read the fucking book, bitch.

36:15

I read the fucking book. Okay, well I fucked

36:17

a celebrity. Was it

36:19

Brad Pitt? No, I wish. Who

36:21

did you have sex with? Was it Danny Bonaducci?

36:23

Well I did have sex with him, but like

36:25

that was not rehab. Did you have

36:27

sex with Danny Bonaducci, sober house? No,

36:30

we were both in the program and

36:32

we were both at my house. But

36:35

that was years ago. Oh God, I was like shooting coke.

36:37

I opened the door. I think I told this

36:39

story. Remember I told this story on another episode.

36:42

Where he came and I was like, I just shot coke and he

36:44

opened the door. He'd just done like a talk

36:46

show, a night talk show, Craig Ferguson. And

36:51

I was like, hi. And I showed up like in

36:53

like a negligee and like, I was like, blood pouring down my

36:55

arm. And I was like, uh, you know, so

36:57

fucked up. And he was just like, whoa. He was

36:59

like eight months sober and like tattooed this sobriety date on his arm,

37:01

which is so stupid. It's like, cause

37:04

that wasn't his, you know, final sobriety date. Hello.

37:07

Well, it's like reminders. But, uh,

37:09

I fucked Tom Sizemore who's dead now. Ah,

37:11

rest in peace. He would have been a fantastic

37:13

dopey guest. What do you remember about sex

37:15

with Tom Sizemore? I fucked Tom Sizemore. I

37:18

fucked him. I fucked him. I fucked him. I

37:21

fucked him. I fucked him. I fucked

37:23

him. I fucked Tom Sizemore. I fucked him long enough

37:25

for like nine years. Is he a good guy?

37:28

Yeah. He's actually, I mean, yeah, I can have a bad

37:30

temper, but, um, he's also

37:32

gonna be very sweet and, um, he

37:36

is out of control. He's like very horny person.

37:38

And he had a stroke and he died. I'm

37:40

not sure he was out of control, a very horny

37:43

person. And he had a stroke and he died. He

37:45

was, you know, he couldn't get clean. I'm sure that's

37:47

why he was on YouTube. I'm sure he was older

37:49

than me, I guess, a little bit older and he

37:51

just kept using crystal and he had a fucking stroke

37:53

and he died. It makes me really

37:55

sad. Did you get high with him? I

37:58

went to his high... This

38:01

big house before he lost everything right

38:03

after rehab,

38:06

we were at Promises together. I

38:09

wasn't smoking meth then because I'd already given

38:11

myself epilepsy, so I was shooting coke at

38:13

that time because coke is natural and it's

38:15

different. That's how

38:17

I rationalized it. He was smoking

38:19

meth. I think I took one

38:22

hit maybe off the pipe and he was just

38:24

like, have some GHB, it'll make you horny. I'm

38:26

like, I'm already fucking horny and he gave it

38:28

to me and I fucking, as I usually do,

38:30

OD and just puked and puked and puked and

38:32

puked. And then I fucking fucked him. And

38:35

you fucked him at Promises? Yeah.

38:38

He was very upset because he was like, if

38:40

you got kicked out of Promises, you're just going to go to prison.

38:43

And he was very nervous and I was just like, shut

38:45

the fuck up. And I like shoved him down on the

38:47

bed. I was aggressive. I was like in my 30s, I

38:49

didn't give a fuck. Well, and

38:53

were you using at Promises? No,

38:55

that's okay. Me naturally. Okay. So

38:58

that's almost sober dating. And now you just

39:00

fucked the dude at his

39:03

sober house. So what is more thrilling

39:05

to fuck Tom Sizemore in rehab in

39:07

your 30s or to fuck dude in

39:09

sober living now at whatever

39:12

age you might be now? It's

39:14

totally different experience. One is like, oh, I

39:16

mean, they're both risky, but it's like a

39:19

person that I'm dating now, we

39:21

fight a lot. He is, I

39:24

mean, the sex is like mind blowing. So

39:27

I'm wondering if like, I'm in a sex addiction

39:29

phase, but just with one person, which is better

39:31

than fucking everyone on Tinder. But it's

39:34

like, that is definitely, I'm like, we're addicted to

39:36

each other sexually. I'm not sure that's so great.

39:38

But it's also like, he sleeps over

39:40

and we cuddle and we go out to eat together

39:42

and we go to meetings. So I don't

39:44

know, the whole thing is confusing. I don't, we got in a fight

39:46

right before this. We fight all the time. What's

39:49

the importance of sober dating? What

39:51

are the benefits? I

39:54

mean, they're not going to judge your past. They're

39:56

going to fucking they understand, you know, like that

40:00

you want to, you're gonna drink six

40:02

shot lattes. They're gonna fucking understand your,

40:05

well the guy that I'm being now said I

40:07

called me an info, which is like, oh, okay.

40:09

That should be a compliment for you. Is it?

40:11

I don't know. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

40:13

And that's what they, that was my nickname in

40:15

rehab and my sixth rehab. Was what? Nympho.

40:18

That's not a very complimentary nickname. No, shit, that's

40:21

what the text called me. They're like, nympho, you?

40:23

And I was like, Jesus Christ. So it's like,

40:25

I don't know, there's something coming, like I'm coming

40:27

round like a full circle. And I'm like, is

40:29

this good? This seems not good. You

40:33

know, we could go to meetings together. Like

40:35

honestly, his program has inspired me.

40:38

Like he is really into his program. I mean, it's not even

40:40

two years sober. So he kind of has to be. And I

40:42

was like, now I'm at 11 years. I'm like,

40:44

I got this motherfucker kicking back. I'm

40:47

a raft, you know, which

40:49

is dangerous. But I,

40:51

I mean, it has a lot of sponsors

40:53

and that shit is inspiring. We

40:56

speak, I mean, we had a vain comparing contest

40:58

because he was a fucking junkie too, which

41:00

is just like a normal, you're not gonna do that with a normie.

41:03

Like who's got better veins still? You know

41:05

what I mean? I mean, that's just like

41:08

ridiculous, stupid shit. It's a great

41:10

thing to have in common. But it's like, we

41:12

get it. And it's like, you know,

41:14

we have shared histories. It's not gonna tell

41:16

me something that's gonna freaking me out as

41:18

then vice versa. I did tell him

41:20

to not read my book. I don't want him to read my

41:22

book. Why? Cause I, I fucked

41:24

too many people, man. And he's freaked out about my

41:26

mental health as he should be. It's

41:29

like a zillion suicide attempts in there. And like in psych ward,

41:31

it's like, it's gonna freak him out. Like

41:33

he was very, he could like, he was just

41:35

like a musician and fucking on tour. And like,

41:38

you know, smoking and shooting heroin was

41:40

completely like, he could hold a

41:42

job. I still can't hold a fucking job 11

41:44

years over. Well,

41:46

you're, you're a famous, you're famous

41:49

author, Amy Dopey Drut. You

41:51

know what I mean? The royalty is on

41:53

enough. You know what I'm saying? We gotta, we

41:55

gotta do the second part. No,

41:58

I mean, you just need to put. your

42:00

work into your work and make money at it.

42:02

Like, I mean, I'm gonna shut up. I'm gonna

42:04

shut up about that. Okay. Um, what

42:07

about the old expression, too sickies, don't make

42:09

a welly? Have you ever heard that? I

42:11

can see that I have heard that. And

42:13

it's like, you know, for

42:16

sure. I mean, there can be some

42:18

truths to that. But also, I mean, I dated a normie

42:21

for almost two years.

42:23

And it, and I wrote a piece about why I would

42:26

never date a normie again, after that

42:28

relationship ended. Why? Let's

42:30

look at it. They don't

42:33

understand that you're not your past. You know what I

42:35

mean? Like they say, Oh, I don't care about your

42:37

past, but they do. They fucking do, you know what

42:39

I mean? And they're constantly like

42:41

afraid you're gonna relapse. Well, they smell like

42:43

one parlour ban and drink like a Mike's hard

42:45

lemonade, you know, they're not an addict. And

42:47

it's like, if you have like a

42:50

puff on someone's cigarettes, they're convinced you're going to be shooting

42:52

dope in your neck. And like, they just are freaking freaked

42:54

out. And it's like, I'm a

42:56

totally different person than I was, you know?

42:58

And they're just

43:02

Yeah, it's just like, there's a scarlet

43:04

letter on you. You know, and I

43:06

think that they're kind of I mean, I hate to say this,

43:08

I think they're kind of busty. Like, little things

43:10

are big things to them, because they haven't had

43:12

like, let's say, like the shit that we have.

43:14

Like, we've had people die, we've almost we've died

43:17

ourselves, like, and come back like we've had od's

43:19

people have lost limbs, like, like shit is really

43:21

we've had a lot of shitties like I have

43:23

a battery in my fucking chest, you know what

43:25

I mean? Like, and you

43:27

know, there's that saying like churches are for people for

43:29

afraid or afraid of hell and A is for people

43:32

who've been there. But it's like, you

43:34

know, you know, it's like, being

43:37

all I'm worried, I'm getting behind my on my mortgage.

43:39

It's like, Oh, did you do you have to wear

43:41

a goddamn bike helmet because you gave yourself

43:43

epilepsy from fucking math, like fucking shut the

43:45

fuck up. You know what I mean? Like,

43:47

they just, you know, it's like,

43:50

I've been 51 15 more times than I've been a

43:52

Whole Foods bitch, like get a real problem. And then

43:54

we'll talk like they just they just don't have the

43:56

same depth of life experience. You know what I mean?

43:58

I think that interesting thing. is

44:00

like, yeah, like, they're

44:03

pussies, right? But in reality,

44:05

we're so sensitive that

44:08

totally to deal with somebody who

44:10

is in recovery, the

44:12

sensitivity can be relatable. And

44:14

like, that seems like the greatest thing. Well,

44:17

yeah, I mean, I am fighting with

44:19

this person I'm dating is going to come

44:21

over after this. But it's like, you know,

44:23

yeah, I think that, you know, you can

44:25

tell them anything, you know what I mean?

44:28

And like they under and they're sensitive to

44:30

and they also like, you

44:33

can talk about anything and they're

44:35

gonna get it. And I think having

44:37

a program is a great shortcut to

44:39

communication. Also, like I think, absolutely, you're

44:41

speaking the same language. Exactly. I think

44:43

that's, you know, that sounds good. What

44:45

was the other reasons I said, they

44:47

don't get that the darkness is funny.

44:49

Like when I would tell him stories,

44:51

he was totally freaked out. I tried

44:55

to stab my ex or, you know,

44:57

stories about me shooting, you know,

45:00

coconut, Valley Kilmer that he thought was not

45:03

funny at all. Like, really? No. He

45:05

didn't think that was funny. No, he started to read

45:08

my book and he started to cry. And I was

45:10

like, Okay, you know, like, yeah, no.

45:12

And it's like, they don't get like that. Maybe

45:14

you had a sex addiction and you fucked, you

45:16

know, you know, trolls and

45:18

psychopaths and you know, people too ugly to be

45:20

on extras on The Walking Dead. But now it's

45:22

hilarious. You know what I mean? Because it has

45:25

to be or it's like unbearable and shameful. So

45:27

it's like, you know, like I remember

45:29

telling him that I met my

45:32

coke dealer outside Cedars-Sinai right before I was

45:34

about to have a procedure and he was

45:36

like horrified by that. I was like, What are

45:38

you talking about? That's brilliant. Like,

45:41

like, doesn't seem like he used that many

45:43

drugs then. He didn't know he never done hard drugs.

45:46

Okay, well, that's good. He was like a norm, like a

45:48

normie, like he drank and so on. Oh, that's never been

45:50

good. This is I thought this is normie. And then like,

45:53

you know, it's like, I don't know.

45:55

I mean, people that are in trying

45:58

to get sober are sober like Like you

46:00

have to look at your life and you have

46:02

to look at your shit. And it's like, you

46:04

know, there's that quote, the unexamined life is not

46:06

worth living. And it's like, you know,

46:08

supposedly it was Socrates or whatever, but it's

46:11

like, you know, they're

46:13

not looking at their shit and not to get in and dealing

46:15

with their stuff because they don't have to. We have

46:17

to or we're going to fucking die. You

46:20

know what I mean? We can't fucking get, you know, and

46:22

I just, I don't think they're as intense. You

46:25

know, I remember him saying to me. They

46:28

can ever love you back the way that you love. That's

46:31

what he said to me. And

46:34

that's what the normie said. Yeah, that's

46:36

very insightful. Very passionate statement. And he

46:38

was like, you know, you're the strongest person I know.

46:41

And I was like, Oh God, you know,

46:43

but also like, I remember him just being

46:45

freaked out. Like, Oh my God, why do

46:47

you have to vape and play ruzzle and

46:50

have, you know, a fucking, you

46:53

know, 85 shot latte and have like,

46:56

you know, system of

46:58

a down blasting on fucking 20

47:00

in your car all the same. Like what's why? You

47:03

know what I mean? And like, why are

47:05

you like so fucking horny and why are

47:07

you like, you didn't understand that like my,

47:10

like my intensity on everything, everything was always

47:12

was weird to him. Like

47:14

that. I was like, everything was a

47:16

lot. I still needed a lot of everything. That was early

47:19

sobriety. This was like the first couple of years. And

47:21

what we're really talking about is like

47:23

having things in common, common worldview. And

47:26

that's the upside. Here's the last

47:28

question. When you were first

47:30

getting sober, what did dating look like? I

47:33

know a lot of people say, wait

47:35

for the first year until you date. It sounds

47:38

good. But is that really a thing? Don't

47:40

you think it's hard? It's hard to say

47:42

not only will you be getting sober, but

47:44

you will have to keep it in your

47:46

pants for a year. I

47:49

think that's okay. First of all, it's on the big book. Second

47:51

of all, I mean, it's a great idea. And

47:54

I have sponsored like

47:57

gay meth addicts that I

47:59

said. you just you really because

48:01

because they are sexual and their sex

48:03

life is so connected to drugs like

48:05

I'm like you really you're gonna you

48:07

can't fuck around for a while let's

48:09

just chill on that because and

48:11

they've stayed clean because of that but it's like if

48:15

you take away that and you have a bunch of

48:17

alcohols and drug addicts who are looking and feening for

48:20

dopamine what are they gonna fucking do they're

48:22

gonna fuck each other they're gonna they're gonna

48:24

smoke cigarettes they're gonna drink too much fucking

48:26

caffeine like of course they are like

48:30

that's the way it is I mean in

48:32

the beginning my dating looked like fucking people

48:35

I fucked a lot of people in the program which

48:38

I don't recommend because then you go in a meeting

48:40

and we're like please don't let me see me on

48:42

it you know only

48:45

once did I 13 step someone

48:47

what was that I got

48:50

my heartbroken tell us the story I

48:53

was about a year and a half and he had like

48:55

seven months and he

48:58

was polyamorous and he fucking you know

49:01

I'd be like what are you doing tomorrow night he was like I'm

49:04

going on a date and I just start

49:06

crying it's like I couldn't I do 13

49:08

step well I

49:10

think that's what's considered when you yeah

49:12

we were like fucking and so we

49:15

were dating for four months you know and I

49:17

was in I was 13 steps oh

49:19

I was 13 steps so much are you kidding

49:22

I wrote an article and it was like I got

49:24

13 step and I liked it and people fucking with

49:26

banana it was like thing that ever happened I don't

49:28

know there was the best thing that ever happened to

49:30

me because I got my heartbroken I did relapse over

49:32

one guy one guy had like 17 years

49:35

and I had like four months and

49:38

he was pretty manipulative and used the program

49:40

as a weapon and he was

49:43

not very nice and um I I

49:46

did I got I relapsed right

49:48

and that's I showed up in his house in

49:51

a fucking blackout I don't remember anything and then

49:53

I came to and I was in the psych

49:55

ward with bruises on my wrists and I don't

49:57

know what happened but No,

50:00

I got fucked by a lot of people with a lot of time,

50:02

but they just wanted to fuck you. You

50:04

were like the fresh meat, you know? And it was like they'd

50:06

fuck you and then that was it. Well, nobody

50:08

wanted to fuck me. They wanted to fuck you. Yeah.

50:11

No, I mean, I'm just saying like I was, you know,

50:13

I was like in my 30s and it was just like,

50:15

oof, you know, I just got... And

50:17

it was always the same dudes that always preyed on the

50:19

new people. And then like, you know,

50:21

I mean, I had a sponsor. I had, I mean, my bad

50:23

for having a male sponsor, I guess, but like I'm a male

50:25

sponsor now, but he's like 60, 70 years old. Did

50:28

you have an other male sponsor that made a move?

50:31

Yeah, I had made a move. He fucked me

50:33

during a relapse. How

50:35

did that happen? He

50:37

was calling in to check on me. I was

50:39

drinking for local all the time and I was

50:41

like going through a divorce and a criminal trial

50:44

and he was calling to check on me all the time. I

50:47

mean, I knew why I was going over there. I'm not stupid.

50:51

I mean, like I knew why I was going to his

50:53

house. Like, you know, I was acting out. It was super

50:55

self-destructive at that time. And I was staying with my friend.

50:57

I was like, it's just like everything was out of control.

51:01

And but I think that what really hurt was that

51:03

he fucked me and he never fucking called me again.

51:06

And he was your sponsor. That's horrible. He

51:08

had been my sponsor. Yeah.

51:10

That is the worst. Yeah. That

51:13

really hurt. That really fucking, I mean, that's like, that really

51:15

fucking hurt, you know, but it's like the

51:17

core of men with the men, women with the

51:19

women. It's so damn. Yeah. I mean, I have

51:21

to speak at a meeting that he goes to

51:23

on Monday. I've done it before. And he was like,

51:25

I saw him there and I was like, oh, well, you used

51:27

to sponsor me. Would you like to

51:29

share? Like, you know, it's like, it's like, I

51:31

mean, I really told my mother, I was like, I don't want

51:33

to go to that meeting. I don't want to see that piece

51:36

of shit. He goes, you know who he used to be. You

51:38

don't know who he is now. Like what

51:40

you never made amends to me, motherfucker. So

51:42

yeah, that's true. They're both true. Both of

51:45

those things. It's true. You know, but

51:47

again, it's like I was

51:49

never raped. You know what I mean? Like

51:51

I was never raped. I was never against my will. So

51:54

it's like I knew what I was doing, but

51:56

I just didn't realize how much I was going

51:58

to how how incredibly. emotionally Fragile

52:01

I was I wanted to love I wanted connection.

52:03

I wanted attention so bad I was newly sober

52:06

and like sex I just wanted to get out

52:08

of myself and it was like, you

52:10

know, and then I just got I just I ended up

52:12

getting really I got hurt a lot Totally.

52:15

I think I think the most important

52:17

thing around dating

52:20

when you're newly sober is is

52:24

having Caution, you know,

52:26

like being cautious being responsible. I

52:28

mean like I sound like a

52:30

fucking What is

52:32

the after-school special? PSA

52:34

sure you love each other make

52:37

sure there's a loving kindness in

52:39

your part No, I mean

52:41

like I don't know what to say because it's like I

52:43

think it's dangerous It's dangerous to

52:45

date an early sobriety, but I think

52:48

having fun in recovery is like This

52:50

is like oh, it's totally my early days

52:52

of sobriety and like getting dressed up and going to meetings I'm

52:54

like, oh my god, he's here Like, you know

52:56

and all of us going to the diner after was

52:58

like my best memories ever It was so fun,

53:01

you know, and I see the guy I'm dating

53:03

having that, you know having that social thing I

53:06

don't have that now You

53:09

need to like get going, you know what

53:11

I mean? You need to get get out and get to

53:13

more meetings Get dressed. No,

53:15

but also I've moved a bunch of times. I'm

53:17

just playing I'm just playing like no but it's

53:19

like I mean I I miss that time, you

53:21

know, and it's like I don't like Also,

53:25

I mean I I've called my sponsor

53:27

to complain about this fucking guy and

53:29

my sponsor agrees with him and that's irritating

53:32

his shit So it's like

53:34

her agrees with what? Whatever. I'm

53:36

like I can't we fight about something and I call

53:38

him and I'm like he said this and I'm blah

53:40

blah He goes she's right. I was like, oh You

53:43

know what I mean? So it's like, you know, it's a

53:46

variety you have someone else to run shit by You know

53:48

what I mean? Like I don't know that he runs any

53:50

his ship by anyone but like I run my

53:52

ship by people Well, I

53:54

think that's a really really good point in

53:56

general with sober dating. It's

53:59

like the key I mean, the key word,

54:01

you got your own therapist pastor person to run shit

54:03

by. So you're not just like crazy in your head.

54:06

Well, you're talking about the partner, but I'm

54:08

saying if you're sober dating, it

54:10

would mean that you're sober. And

54:12

if you're sober, it would mean

54:14

you had a program. And if

54:16

you had a program, it would

54:19

mean you run your dating life

54:21

through somebody that you trust. So

54:23

you don't fucking fuck it up

54:25

and act out and act recklessly.

54:27

Yeah. My sponsor was just like, he's not

54:29

your enemy, honey. He's your choice. So like,

54:31

you know, either accept him the way that

54:33

he is or choose someone else. Like that. Yeah.

54:35

It's like, I'm sick of hearing about this shit because

54:37

it's the same shit over and over and over again.

54:40

Right. Acceptance. Acceptance is the answer to all of

54:42

our problems. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh

54:44

my God. Acceptance is the answer to all of

54:47

our problems. I don't think I could date a

54:49

normie. You know, again, I wouldn't

54:51

want to. Well, I

54:53

think we've covered a lot of bases. Do you

54:55

think, and I think you guys should

54:57

check out the Lucid dating app to

55:00

find very sober,

55:02

very attractive people to

55:04

date? Yeah, totally. Do you

55:06

think so, Amy? Absolutely. Do you

55:09

think I sound creepy when I say

55:11

very attractive? Absolutely. You sound really creepy.

55:13

Do you think I sound very creepy

55:16

or very attractive? Attractive. You sound creepy.

55:18

No. So when you take that

55:20

voice and you couple it with hand on hand,

55:22

are you just like, Oh,

55:25

that's no good. Gross. That's no good. Is

55:27

it gross? Do you think you're not impressed

55:29

with the hand on hand? No, I think

55:31

it's a subtle way. I mean, it's, you

55:33

know, you know, the waters. And you don't

55:35

want to hurt anybody's feelings. You don't want

55:37

to violate. You don't want to like get

55:39

rid of it. Now, it's like a huge

55:41

thing when you and I were around and

55:43

I wasn't even a real thing. And then

55:45

it was like, yeah, yes meant

55:47

me. No meant maybe and maybe meant

55:49

yes. You know what I mean? Like at least in the

55:52

call when I was in college. I mean,

55:54

I'm feeling self-conscious about the hand on hand.

55:56

No, I'm just fucking with you. God,

55:58

I'm just. I think it's a

56:00

fucking smart move. What do you

56:03

suggest to a sober man or woman

56:06

wanting to make the move? Would

56:08

you say? I think that you know what? I

56:10

wanted to say this. I think what's great about lucid sober

56:12

dating is meeting people on an app,

56:15

a sober app, because

56:17

if you meet people in the rooms and

56:20

that goes awry, which

56:22

it usually does, then you have to break

56:25

up the meetings. It's like, okay, let's have

56:27

custody. I'll go to this meeting Monday, Tuesday,

56:29

Wednesday, and you go Thursday, Friday, Saturday. You

56:31

don't want to run in. You don't want

56:33

to have anyone run you out of a

56:35

meeting either. This

56:37

is meeting other sober people, but you're not

56:39

in the same sober circles. I think that that's

56:42

really important. Right, exactly. I

56:44

think you don't shit where you

56:46

eat. You don't fuck where you

56:48

eat. You fucking...you

56:50

don't date where you meet. How's that?

56:52

Totally. I spoke

56:54

at this meeting and this guy's friend

56:57

totally fucking flipped out about me. He

56:59

was like, oh my god, oh my

57:01

god. He didn't know that I was

57:03

dating the guy. He was like, oh

57:05

my god, her, Amy, blah, blah, blah.

57:08

He was like, remember when I told you that I

57:10

was fucking up with this girl? He was like, yeah.

57:12

He was like, that's the

57:14

girl. Well, what was the

57:16

shocking thing there? That the guy was

57:18

super smitten with me and didn't know. And he

57:20

was like, oh, good

57:22

for you, man. Right on.

57:27

So, Lucid lets you

57:29

meet people that aren't at

57:31

your meetings that are sober. Yeah, I

57:33

think that's super important. That's advantageous because you

57:35

don't want to lose your sober world. No,

57:37

it's a fucking nightmare. It's like fucking someone

57:40

you can work with. It's terrible. Right.

57:43

So rather than hitting on the person at your

57:45

meeting, join Lucid and

57:47

date him soberly. I want to

57:49

take a walk around the world. I

57:53

wonder would it do me any good? Until

57:57

I get the money in my pocket

57:59

and I'm I guess I'd have

58:01

to walk around my neighborhood, but I

58:05

wanna be good so bad.

58:08

I wanna be so

58:10

good so bad so bad,

58:13

I wanna be good so

58:15

bad. Bad

58:17

decides all I ever had, and

58:21

I wanna take a ride up in the

58:23

sky. What's

58:26

a airplane that's passed me by? And

58:29

I wanna steal the air jetliner

58:31

and take a dive into all of

58:34

these people. It

58:36

means to be alive, but I

58:38

wanna be good so bad. I

58:42

wanna be so good so bad

58:44

so bad, I wanna

58:46

be good so bad.

58:50

Bad desires all I ever had,

58:54

and my shadow's getting smaller

58:56

and smaller, and

58:58

it's time to where I

59:00

stand. The

59:03

shadow's getting smaller and

59:05

smaller, and it's

59:07

time to where I stand.

59:11

I wonder who's there to stay and

59:13

see mine. I

59:15

wanna leave this place in the city for me.

59:20

I'll take the high road,

59:22

however far I want, because

59:24

these love are very, very,

59:26

very hard to find, and

59:28

I wanna be good so

59:30

bad. I

59:32

wanna be good so bad

59:35

so bad, I wanna be

59:37

good so bad. Bad

59:41

desires all I ever had.

59:45

Dammit all of these suckers make me

59:47

mad, and it's all I

59:49

ever had. And it's all I

59:51

ever had, and these suckers make

59:53

me mad, and I wanna call my dad, and it's all I

59:55

ever had. and

1:00:01

the second name is... Sully Everhead Sully

1:00:04

Everhead Sully

1:00:06

Everhead Sully

1:00:08

Everhead