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0:58

Right, here we go. You ready, John? I'm

1:00

ready, mate. It's time for a Brave

1:02

New Era in global broadcasting. Get

1:24

them all. Non-gram

1:26

supporter. Plus environmental

1:29

freak. Your

1:31

favourite podcast duo. Stick a

1:33

chewed down your D. Oh

1:43

my God! Well, welcome

1:45

to, as you just

1:47

heard, Down the Dog with me, John Richardson.

1:50

And me, Matt Ford. John Bollocks. I

1:53

can't believe how good that was. So we

1:55

asked for a new theme tune. That's the

1:57

first time any of us have heard it, apart from obviously the people who created it.

2:00

er, producer Danny, landlord Danny. That

2:02

was incredible! Absolutely. Do

2:04

you know what I love about it?

2:06

Apart from everything, apart from bloody everything,

2:08

it's got a sort of 80s...

2:11

it's not unlike the raccoons. Oh

2:13

my god. It's got that 80s cartoon vibe to

2:15

it, but a little bit cheers. Is that the

2:18

thing? It's euphoric. I can't believe people wrote and

2:20

recorded that! I thought it was going to be

2:22

comedically bad. I'm shocked at how phenomenal that is.

2:25

That comes from Peter Idonamusic,

2:27

your friend at Stanford Away

2:30

Adventures travel agency. That's

2:33

fictional, isn't it? It must be.

2:36

That sounds like a hooligan outfit.

2:38

Sata. Oh my god. Well

2:40

Peter! That was exceptional. Well that has

2:42

to be the new theme tune, doesn't

2:44

it? Well, we sort of said, one

2:46

a week, but it's impossible to think

2:48

that's going to be surpassed, isn't it?

2:50

Winner stays on surely. It's that until

2:52

someone writes a better one. Stanford Away

2:54

Adventures. I'm on their website now. Is

2:57

that a name of a band? Where will you

2:59

go on your next holiday? I mean,

3:02

this is free advertising, but it's bloody

3:04

deserved. Hang on, travel agent! This would

3:06

be like Thomas Cook writing the theme

3:08

tune to Only Fools and Horses. Peter

3:11

does family holidays, UK holidays, small group

3:13

tours. That's us, isn't it? Let's get

3:15

Peter to book as a brewery tour.

3:17

This guy's a genius! Well, Peter, I

3:19

mean, we're reeling at your talent. I

3:21

mean, it's so rare. This is... Oh

3:24

my god. I sometimes think, sometimes I

3:26

feel like a real grandad when, you

3:28

know, when I watch the new comics.

3:30

Have you seen the new comics, Matthew?

3:33

They all do their online, they all

3:35

do their skits online now, don't they? Yes. And

3:37

I just think, even when I watch them at

3:39

where somebody's playing two characters and they've cut between

3:41

sort of two angles in their house, I think

3:44

that'd take me a bloody week. It'd take me

3:46

a week to do that, to get the thing

3:48

all, the camera set up and the angles and...

3:51

edit it together so you haven't got the shit bits in it.

3:53

Even then I'd have kept the wrong scene in where I've get

3:55

one where I've balls it off. And then sometimes I think, oh,

3:57

I was just really old and actually, if you're young now... does

4:00

things take you 10 minutes and they're really

4:02

easy but that's like proper that's

4:05

taken time on it. It's taken time, it's taken

4:07

effort, it's an original composition as far as we're

4:09

aware and it's

4:12

the main thing that I agree with you

4:14

is it's almost it's a bit Huey Lewis

4:16

in the news it's got you can imagine

4:18

that on a big teen uplifting

4:20

film end credits and then you

4:23

leave the cinema. It's in my

4:25

head already it's sort of

4:27

bouncing around in my head in a way that wow

4:31

didn't really

4:34

send us in some jingles

4:36

I guess for bullshit

4:39

corner stonemakorma stonemakorma

4:41

wouldn't hate that

4:44

stonemakorma philosophy corner it's a

4:46

literate of please I

4:48

do beg your pardon you are of course

4:51

the wordsmith the resident wordsmith the

4:53

poet laureate of the dog and

4:55

bastard and thank me

4:58

if you could

5:01

already for your New York transfer yes I

5:06

do jingles and stuff oh I mean if

5:08

you think you could write something better than

5:10

that I'm not saying don't know exactly we

5:12

mean absolutely we want to race

5:15

to the top not the bottom and I

5:17

don't use mine and yes

5:20

for any feature that we do that you

5:22

like we can we can bring it back

5:25

basically bring back historical animal weapon location would

5:27

be a great one for a year for a jingle

5:30

oh yes yes yes do

5:39

you know I decided only this week I get

5:41

myself some new chinos just a few weeks ago

5:43

I bought my first ever pair no yeah I've

5:45

got two brothers bought

5:48

a pair pair of chinos how do they feel

5:50

good right yeah they're basically in

5:52

between trousers and jeans although they're you

5:54

know what you can move

5:57

in any level of society with a pair

5:59

of chinos Exactly you could be in the

6:01

pub before and caught you I can have a

6:03

pint in the peacock in my chinos and no

6:05

one thinks There's that wanker. I mean they do

6:07

but not my trousers, but then you then you're

6:10

knocking about At the

6:12

ground chinos are fine at the game. She knows

6:14

a fine on the train home She knows a

6:16

fine keep them on sweeping them You know, I

6:18

always thinks missing from adverts the

6:20

call to action at the end like this. I would just go

6:22

chinos Buy them By

6:25

them now by it doesn't feel very

6:27

dated by them now at John Lewis

6:30

by them. I'm gonna buy them I

6:32

think that urgency by them better than

6:34

chinos. They're fine you can

6:36

move in any society and you could you could go

6:38

to a cocktail

6:40

reception at Buckingham Palace a football match in

6:43

any level of the ground a

6:45

gig or Then you could

6:47

you could go anywhere on stage or off and

6:49

you would you would be you would be equally

6:51

welcomed in all of them Tell me

6:53

why at the age of 40 you've

6:55

held off this long and because I

6:58

I've been reassessing life John since

7:01

okay Yes,

7:04

I'm playing the cancer card when it comes to chinos,

7:06

how's he gonna do this watch my hands and you'll

7:08

find that I Just

7:11

thought all I've got is jeans and one

7:13

pair. I've got two pairs very deep. Oh,

7:16

I've got his jeans Brush

7:18

with death open the cupboard fucking

7:20

jeans Obviously

7:23

I have my suits for my

7:25

performance for performance Ken

7:28

yeah, I watched the Barbie film the other day.

7:30

So I'm still very much in that Okay film

7:32

review coming up and book review coming up. That's

7:35

not for ya. Well, we could alternate book club

7:37

and film club I've not seen Barbie yet. I

7:39

don't think I'm gonna like it. Let's get back

7:41

to Chino town Chino town so I am I

7:43

have two pairs of jeans one as happens with

7:46

many of us that the gusset is going and

7:49

Oddly it's been

7:51

sent hasn't it? It's not going

7:54

implies. It's a natural process You've

7:56

you've destroyed that gusset. Well, there's

7:58

a whole Which

8:00

is the worst place for it. Oh, it's not

8:02

it's not under the It's

8:06

not where all the seams meet until you sit

8:08

on a bench or something and you realize you're

8:11

in danger of being arrested That'd

8:13

be a good film title for if you had

8:15

to do a film about the the

8:17

horror of jeans Eroding in this way you would

8:20

call it where all the seams meet. I

8:22

call it busted gusset busted. Good thing.

8:24

We're at sea We're appealing to

8:26

different markets Yeah, you want to write a film theme

8:29

tune to where all the seams meet Busted

8:32

gusset busted gusset do sound a bit

8:34

like the Mac lads like they're gonna

8:36

be some yeah filthy northern rock band

8:39

But I thought you know what I need

8:41

something that's not just jeans I've got a

8:43

very favorite pair of dark blue jeans. I

8:45

thought well, that's basically a chino So I

8:48

bought some cream chinos. Yes some blue chinos

8:50

and then where I wear dark My danger

8:52

is I really like blue as a color

8:54

to wear Yeah, I end up just wearing blue

8:56

trainers blue jeans a blue shirt and like a

8:58

blue hoodie and I'm like, I'm just this is

9:00

insane Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes mixing up the colors

9:03

a bit. Yes. Did you think and

9:05

this is very sad? But I watched

9:07

the Masters last night the

9:10

conclusion of the Masters. I thought golfers

9:12

look fit I've never thought

9:14

that before I've always been a always been

9:16

a footballer man in terms of my fantasies

9:18

about getting pinned down and seen to by

9:21

an athlete The odd gladiator

9:23

and but I looked at golfers last night and it

9:25

is a middle-aged thing, but I thought you know, they

9:27

look so Tidy they look very

9:29

neat. They've got their little polo shirts tucked

9:32

into and I've always been a fan of

9:34

a Car

9:36

key chino, but I looked at these golfers.

9:38

I thought well not white No,

9:41

I think a white trouser looks insane on

9:43

a man, but but just a very very

9:45

off white Mmm, if

9:47

you can carry it off within

9:49

a white trainer on a lovely

9:51

polo shirt It just looks very

9:53

tidy look, you know, I bought

9:56

myself a golf polo shirt Because

9:58

what's great about it? fantasy. What

10:01

they've got is the formality of the polo,

10:04

the shape and the collar, which looks nice.

10:06

But obviously they're lighter and they wick away

10:08

the sweat. You

10:10

don't get the big fat sweat rings

10:12

that I get. Again, you're sort of

10:15

taking away my fantasy there. The

10:19

words big fat sweat rings don't really pop

10:21

up when I'm fantasising about being... Well I'm

10:23

not doing it for you Jon, I'm dressing

10:25

for me. This cliché that I'm always dressing

10:27

to get better attention is pernicious

10:30

and foul. I have my own fantasies

10:32

about being both at and myself

10:35

being the 19th hole of a golf

10:37

course. For me it's always been rugby

10:39

players. Lawrence Delalina,

10:42

big, poor men. Shearer, if it

10:44

was a footballer, I guess they

10:46

look the same. Not Shearer. No,

10:49

no, no. What about Shearer? Shearer

10:52

looks... I think he's made

10:54

the transition to pundit in a way that we

10:56

all thought he would. But he doesn't look like

10:58

a very... I'm

11:01

wary of insulting the man. He looks like

11:04

a perfunctory lover. Okay,

11:06

let me tell you the two attributes that he has and I'll

11:08

tell you... Lawrence

11:10

Delalina would be my top pick. Shearer in

11:12

at number two and then I'm going to

11:14

explain the two attributes. So one, chisel jaw,

11:17

broad shoulders and they remind me of Gaston

11:19

from The Beast. Gaston is what a man should be

11:21

and that is all I have to say on the matter.

11:23

I'm happy

11:28

to take supplementary questions but that is my

11:30

opening statement. Oh, there'll

11:32

be supplementary questions. I think they should come in from

11:34

the listener. I think you've basically said,

11:36

I'll tell you why I want to fuck Alajira. He

11:39

reminds me of a dog and I want to get

11:41

banged by a dog. No, Gaston was the would-be

11:44

suitor of that. Oh, okay. Oh, yes. Because you

11:46

say that mine are large. I'm not a man

11:48

of age every morning to help me get large

11:50

and now I'm a man of age. Six dozen

11:52

eggs because I'm roughly the size of a budge.

11:56

I'm no longer qualified to help you with

11:58

this conversation. So in a way, we've... put

12:00

out for theme tune ideas if anybody is

12:02

professionally qualified to help Matthew through his fantasy

12:04

about Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. He

12:06

used to say a lot when we lived

12:08

together crazy old Mary C and I always

12:10

thought it was from like Die Hard or

12:13

something like that though I used to say

12:15

it and I watched Beauty and the Beast

12:17

recently with my daughter and I was very

12:19

disappointed to find out it was a

12:21

quote from Beauty and the Beast. Do what? I

12:24

still say it, I said it walking back from saying it

12:26

just the other week with my wife. Crazy

12:29

old Mary C, crazy

12:31

old Mary C. Two

12:34

further questions about Chinos if I may move

12:36

on. There's a very

12:38

odd thing with Chinos where there's a big

12:40

gap in your life so I think you

12:42

wear Chinos very young if you go into

12:44

like the kids section of clothing shows you

12:46

know you get those boys who get dressed

12:48

like little sailors and they wear Chinos and

12:50

deck shoes. Like Prince William's kid, what's his

12:53

name? Exactly yeah. So you wear Chinos up

12:55

to about the age of 7 or 8

12:57

and then you abandon Chinos until you're 40.

12:59

There's a real sort of Chino Bermuda

13:01

triangle for some reason and

13:04

even I did it and I

13:06

say I bang on Chinos. My

13:08

question is are you considering corduroy?

13:10

No. Too heavy

13:14

although I did wear corduroy as a

13:16

child you're right and then they do

13:18

enter that Bermuda triangle wear. The first

13:20

thing you rebel against isn't it? Teenagers

13:23

you rebel against your parents but about

13:25

9 or 10 you think do you

13:27

know what? Fuck corduroy. Yeah too heavy

13:29

and the vvvvvvvvvv the friction of them

13:31

between the thighs too much.

13:34

So I have tracky

13:36

bottoms, jeans, suit on stage and

13:39

for formal events and state occasions

13:43

I have trackies as a default around the house

13:45

and for a walk jeans or Chinos

13:47

out and about. But I do feel like

13:49

it's maturing. I remember when I got into

13:52

red onion or mustard, it's in

13:54

that wheelhouse isn't it? It's a sign that you

13:57

are maturing as a person. Yeah I think so

13:59

yeah and accepting. Accepting your middle age

14:01

with grace and dignity exactly but John you

14:03

are absolutely you are literally in the dog

14:05

ambassador You are in I am

14:07

the dog in your house No,

14:09

that's not a rock you're at the dog. No,

14:11

you're in the dog. You're in the dog in

14:13

the dog I'm down the dog. I'm not the

14:16

dog. I'm down the dog. You're not the cat

14:18

you down the dog you in the dog So

14:20

I have a question about chinos if you're wearing

14:22

beige Chinos, how do

14:24

you deal with dribble? John do

14:26

you want to go first? You

14:30

have to shake a lot more carefully

14:33

I I find out I think I'm at an

14:35

age where I can shake Enough

14:37

that the dribble is contained by the boxer

14:40

short and if the dribble is going

14:42

through the box Are we talking post zipping

14:44

up dribble or do you mean like? Splashback

14:47

or both both. Yeah, it pisses what he's

14:49

talking about. What I do is I sometimes

14:52

Trick my penis. It's

14:54

not very bright. Sometimes trick my penis

14:56

into thinking I finished Welcome

15:01

to trick my penis I

15:04

put him away and they get him out

15:06

again Oh, yeah, so he thinks he's done but

15:08

actually what they might again and say right there

15:10

you go There was a little bit more one

15:12

day tricksy fool, but luckily I'm still smarter than

15:15

my penis I'm fine because I'm

15:17

a nappy so I'm fully if

15:20

there is leakage coming through into my chinos

15:22

something has gone badly wrong because it'd have to

15:24

be a couple of Litres coming out for

15:26

the foreseeable though that will be rectified. Absolutely

15:28

right. Yes I

15:31

will shortly be beginning and pelvic

15:33

floor physio to To

15:35

deal with the that issue. So

15:37

that's good. What you can also do as

15:39

well if there is dribble just

15:42

linger at the Hand

15:45

dryer a little bit longer and remove the

15:47

hand to just gently raise the crotch to

15:49

the hand dryer and let the hand dryer

15:51

do Its work unless you're in a Dyson

15:53

air blade situation in which case I'm afraid

15:55

you're scuppered What you have to do is

15:57

to like those people who do parkour because

16:00

big handstand on top of the air blade and

16:02

just lower yourself using only your

16:04

arms. I mean obviously, I'm thinking the wrong way

16:06

about this, let the party come to you. If

16:08

you're worried about dribbles when you return to the

16:11

table, simply invite your entire table into the gents

16:13

with you and continue the conversation while you stand

16:15

there and urinate until you're dry. What if you're

16:17

not with just gentlemen? Well no problem, we live

16:20

in a country of gender neutral toilets, everyone's welcoming

16:22

every bog. Yeah. Get them all in there. Pissing

16:24

in front of each other constantly. That's what they

16:26

did in olden times, I remember seeing a cartoon

16:28

with a latrine. That's

16:32

what they did in olden times. Well they did.

16:34

Alright. You know men with long moustaches and hair

16:36

in medieval times would just simply sit on a

16:38

latrine next to each other and dump and talk.

16:41

Oh getting into poached eggs, I didn't tell you

16:43

this did I? You getting into

16:45

eggs and chinos? Eggs and chinos. I

16:48

call that an egg poacher, it's a little...

16:50

Oh sod off. What? No,

16:52

that's, they're for, they're for children

16:55

egg poachers. No, no, do

16:57

you know what I've got there? Do you know what I've

17:00

got? Is it a little pouch?

17:03

No. What have you got? Wrong. I

17:07

haven't kept up with egg poacher technology. It's an

17:09

egg poaching pan, so it looks like a little

17:11

frying pan and indeed it could be used as

17:13

such but then it's got a thing that goes

17:15

over it with four holes in and they're almost

17:17

like four silicone cups

17:20

and you can just crack the egg into that and

17:22

then it's like a little bain marie, it like poaches

17:24

it in the thing. You see, here's

17:26

my issue, I don't think that is

17:28

a poached egg because it's really a

17:30

steamed egg because the egg isn't in

17:33

contact with the water. Fair point, well

17:35

then, do you feel better now? Now

17:37

that I've found out... I do think I've won. You

17:40

didn't tell me it was a

17:42

steamed egg, you told me you were a

17:44

poached egg. How can I ever trust you?

17:46

I'm gonna go get a drink. This

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19:00

we do have, and we

19:03

do need to return to Lynette, who

19:05

you may remember gave

19:07

her mum the book on Chasel

19:09

Beach. Chasel Beach, the graphic sexual novel.

19:12

The graphic sexual novel you forget

19:14

you read and briefed me about. I've

19:17

blocked it out of my subconscious and you and

19:19

Lynette are trying to force it back in there.

19:22

If you, if this is the first

19:24

episode you've listened to or you've forgotten everything that happened

19:26

last time, the crucial

19:28

scene, as I understand it, in

19:30

Chasel Beach is that the man

19:32

jackalates onto the woman and they

19:34

find it, both of them are

19:36

very distressed by it. Lynette got

19:38

her mum on Chasel Beach. Thinking

19:42

it was like a historical novel. I wanted

19:44

to know if her mum had said anything.

19:46

She says, hi boys. The only thing my

19:48

mum said was, it wasn't what I was

19:50

expecting and it was

19:52

never spoken of again. I'm cringing so hard I've

19:55

pulled a muscle. So,

19:57

talking of books, John, we both said we're going to.

19:59

We both opted for

20:01

the audiobook version. It's just

20:04

the general tone of it

20:06

is so blunt

20:09

and charmless that it puts

20:11

you off him. I

20:13

was struggling to work out if it

20:15

has become a cliché because it was

20:17

such a huge book when it was

20:19

released that it's just sort of like

20:21

people who talk like Alan Partridge. It's

20:23

one of those things that's just, it's

20:26

become such a phenomenon. It's bled into

20:28

the lexicon and it seems a parody

20:30

of itself now when you read it.

20:32

So it's almost impossible to contextualise what

20:34

it was like when it came out

20:36

because maybe nobody had written a book

20:38

in the language of the Squaddie before

20:40

that. But you listen to it

20:42

now. It's just, it's really bad, isn't it?

20:44

It's funny for a bit. A couple of

20:46

chapters when they're talking about shagging and like,

20:49

what's his name? He was known as

20:51

Dr Six. You're like, oh, one

20:54

of it's just really based. There's no like

20:56

funny nicknames. There's no light

20:58

and dark. There's no context. There's no

21:00

emotion to it really. It's

21:03

a very, very odd read now. It's like

21:05

the letter that he left. Sorry,

21:07

love. I loved you, but it didn't work

21:10

out. P.S. to my accountant. If you fuck

21:12

my wife over on the will, I'll haunt

21:14

you. He's just like, oh. It's

21:17

the sort of things that,

21:20

okay. I think it's the sort

21:22

of humor that men with muscles

21:24

find funny. Yeah, I was trying to work out

21:26

who it was for. And I think

21:28

it's for people who will never read another

21:30

book in their life that isn't an autobiography

21:32

of a gangster or a footballer. Okay.

21:35

Steady on the autobiography. Hey, I have a wide

21:38

collection of. I was

21:40

very clear not to mention politicians

21:42

or basis from diastrates. Okay,

21:44

good. Or I'm worried that

21:46

I'm getting too many scores

21:49

on that because I read a lot of football

21:51

and trophies and I also listened to a Bravo

21:53

2-0. Only because you were asked to, but then

21:55

you bailed out. Yeah. Also, it's

21:57

just, you know what's mad is I thought, well, this is going to be.

22:00

really entertaining. It's not actually that entertaining.

22:03

I accept that he's a brave man and I

22:05

obviously respect our armed forces for what

22:07

they do to keep ourselves and others

22:10

safe at home and abroad. But

22:12

yeah, as a book, as an

22:14

audio experience, it's like, oh god,

22:16

you're insufferable. He's a braggad, isn't

22:19

he? There's something about a certain

22:21

type of tough guy that actually,

22:23

rather than being very exciting, is

22:25

actually terribly dull. It's dated incredibly

22:27

rapidly. So we are laying

22:29

down the gauntlet at Andy McNabb. Find

22:32

and kill one of us first

22:34

and you win the prize. Okay, I'm

22:37

not mad keen on that as a challenge. Do

22:40

you want me to watch Barbie for next week or

22:42

do we pick another? Because we read Bravo to Zero

22:44

because it is a footballer's favourite book and I think

22:46

because of the nature of the podcast we should pick

22:48

another footballer. Do you want me to read you some

22:50

more footballers and their favourite books for the

22:52

next book? Well, let's pick a better one than Bravo

22:54

to Zero. So do you want to hear the favourite

22:56

book of Martinez,

22:59

the goalkeeper? Yes. It's

23:01

the Autobiography of Aguero. What's

23:03

his favourite book? Is it a book where I

23:06

form a team mate? Favourite, see what I mean.

23:08

It suggests to me, this is probably

23:11

a very short list of books. I

23:13

don't mean to disparage the name of

23:15

Emiliano Martinez but I'm sure they must

23:17

have played together, no? Yeah, he's not,

23:20

you didn't. Like me saying

23:22

that Politically Homeless was my favourite book. What

23:25

would be wrong with that? Nothing. If you're

23:27

like me saying, I don't think it's you, it's

23:29

me. Yeah, you could get the bloody title room

23:31

if you're gonna slag my book off. What was

23:33

it called again? I'm trying to find it on

23:36

my bookshelf. It's not you, it's me. It's not

23:38

you, it's me. I loved that book. Too wordy

23:40

that, isn't it? I don't think it's you, it's

23:42

me. You've got to have confidence in your time.

23:44

Come on. Do you want another favourite book of

23:47

Shea Givin? Yes, I do. Angela's Ashes. I'm not

23:49

reading that, I'll tell you that now. Frank McCourt.

23:52

Yeah, fuck that. Yeah, that's bleak, isn't

23:54

it? Here we go. We could have

23:56

a contender here from Bernle's Lucas Jukovic.

23:59

Okay. blown away

24:02

by Harry

24:05

Potter by J.K. Rowling. His favourite book,

24:07

now he's an adult, is The Winter

24:09

of Our Discontent by John Steinbeck. Oh

24:11

my word! That's come out of nowhere,

24:13

isn't it? You having that? What,

24:16

Harry Potter or Steinbeck? Oh no, not

24:18

Harry Potter, Steinbeck. Who's going

24:20

to sort of educate ourselves? Why

24:22

not Harry Potter? I've already read all the Harry

24:24

Potter's. Have you? Have you not? Yeah! I thought

24:26

we were too old for it. We are too

24:29

old for it. But sometimes, you know, I'm too

24:31

old to still have the raccoons on VHS but

24:33

I still have. So I'm probably too old to

24:35

still be watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure every now

24:37

and again. I'm too old for a lot of

24:39

things I do. The Winter of,

24:42

let's see, The Winter of Our

24:44

Discontent is available on Spotify

24:46

Premium narrated by David Aaron Baker. Can you help

24:48

me find it? It's 10 hours 23 minutes. Good

24:50

God. This is why I think this

24:56

is a good feature because it

24:58

shows another side of footballers because

25:00

it's fun and it's easy to

25:02

slag off a footballer whose favourite

25:04

novel is the autobiography of

25:06

a teammate. However, when you read the

25:09

bio of The Winter of Our Discontent,

25:12

Ethan Allen Hawley has lost the acquisitive

25:14

spirit of his wealthy and enterprising forebears,

25:16

a long line of proud New England

25:18

sea captains and pilgrims. Scared by failure,

25:21

Ethan works as a grocery clerk in

25:23

a store his family once owned but

25:25

his wife is restless and his teenage

25:27

children troubled and hungry for the material

25:29

comforts he cannot provide. Boring. Let's read

25:31

the guerrero sort of book. Okay,

25:35

I'm going to buy that with one credit. Bye bye, one

25:37

credit. But you got to our faith, haven't you? This could

25:39

become your favourite book. It's the favourite book of Lucas Yucovitch.

25:41

First time back. I mean, it's not like I'm wasting

25:44

it on another one. How many books has

25:46

that even now got out? Immediate Action, Seven

25:49

Troop? No, you just turn Delft

25:51

back into the back catalogue.

25:53

No, we can't see what Andy McNabb looks like, can we? Is

25:55

he still, how old is he? I'm

25:58

just I'm not worried he's going to catch and kill. I

26:00

am slightly worried that you could... Oh you did actually invite

26:02

him to Catch and Kill Us. He could certainly

26:04

find us in the street. Yeah it'd

26:07

still be hard. I'll tell you what, if you

26:09

punch him up... Oh he'll know people as well.

26:11

It's not Andy McNabb you want to worry about.

26:13

It's his mates. Andy's too clever.

26:15

He's not coming for you. He'll just give

26:18

a nod and a wink to Doctor Sex.

26:22

Yeah, there's some photos in my way

26:25

that's partially obscured. I'm following him on

26:27

Twitter. How long

26:29

have I been doing that? Do you think

26:31

that's related to one tweet? No.

26:34

So I can tell you that you were

26:36

in the company of Brian Moore,

26:38

Jeremy Vine, Mark Austin, Ben Sheppard,

26:40

these people all follow him on

26:42

the network. That's good. I'm happy

26:44

in that group. Yeah I'm happy

26:46

in that cohort. Alright, so

26:48

are you leaving the follow where it is? I'm

26:51

leaving it where it is. I don't want to

26:53

overly provoke the man McNabb but I'm slightly worried

26:55

that if he sees that I've unfollowed him then

26:57

he'll go, what's going on? He'll listen to the

26:59

podcast and he will see that as a Hansel

27:01

and Gretel crumb trail that will lead him right

27:03

to my neck for him to slit. So I

27:06

don't want that. Please don't kill me Andy. We

27:17

need to get a pub dog for this week's

27:19

pub dog. We've

27:22

got a bit of a story here. It's from Jack. He

27:24

says I'm not sure if you remember this but the last

27:26

time I contacted you I ended up doing a Home Alone

27:28

2 quiz live on 6 Music 14 years ago. Oh

27:32

wow. Does that ring a bell? Do you remember that? I do

27:34

remember that, yeah I think I did well didn't I? Did I

27:36

get them all right? He says it's still great listening to you

27:38

both after all these years and so glad to hear you are

27:40

Matt. Thank you very much. I'd like to

27:42

put forward my dog Frank for Dog of the Week. As you can

27:44

see he loves football and was a favourite in the clan

27:47

twit major AFC clubhouse before we moved to Norway

27:49

even ending up on the front of the programme.

27:51

He also went viral on Twitter for once running

27:53

onto the pitch a rare occasion where he wasn't

27:55

a good boy. Oh he's put a

27:58

video up. Can you see it? Oh a video of

28:00

a... pub dog that's new. While 99% of the crowd

28:02

yesterday behaved perfectly we had to share this

28:11

sickening footage of a hooligan invading the

28:13

pitch no place for it in our

28:15

game. Very funny. Have you watched

28:18

it? I don't want it now I'd say. I've never done

28:20

it. The

28:23

other dog tries to stop it. Almost trips up

28:25

the ladder and looks for pee. Good dive. Oh

28:31

that's fantastic. Oh he's got to be. Jack's

28:33

got to be. I love it. I absolutely

28:35

love it. That's very funny. This

28:37

week's pub dog, an unruly pub dog that's

28:39

going to be darting about the place. Yeah

28:41

we need a bit of energy in there

28:43

don't we? We haven't had anyone in Colostomy

28:45

Corner for a while. I know statistically not

28:47

many people have stonemas but maybe

28:50

if you've got gut problems

28:53

you could be on the

28:55

way to Colostomy Corner and we could put you there. Yes

28:58

there was a celebrity this

29:00

week who talked about having a

29:02

stoma. Yes Louise Thompson. Yes. Made

29:04

in Chelsea. Can we... I found

29:06

it very emotional hearing her talk about it. Yes. I

29:09

thought it was very positive. Can

29:12

we force her into Colostomy Corner? She hasn't

29:14

asked to be in it but we could

29:16

sort of put her a stool aside and

29:18

some scampi fries. Yes well putting

29:20

a stool aside actually is fundamental to

29:22

having a stoma. Yes

29:27

you know what we could do is just one

29:29

of those little gold plates that you have on

29:31

bars in the moring of people but for her

29:33

because I think having young cool people talk about

29:35

it is very inspiring. I had a dream about

29:37

Yuri Gela the other night. He

29:40

popped a finisher. Yeah how strange. Doing his

29:42

usual. Maybe this week's more interesting. Spoon bending.

29:45

Yeah. England. Win.

29:48

Remember that? Yeah Gary McAllister. Yeah

29:52

well it was in the... well that was... he took

29:54

credit for that bit in the run up to the

29:56

Holland game. He went on Bedel and Skinner. They put

29:58

a big orange circle on the table. TV screen, you

30:00

have to touch it and say England win and I did

30:02

it and we beat Holland 4-1. I

30:05

got his autograph many years later and

30:07

he signed it England win, Jorigella. You've

30:09

got Jorigella's autograph? Yeah. Yeah,

30:11

yeah. I met

30:13

him down at Central TV Studios in Nottingham. I

30:15

tell you what, we talked about, we

30:18

put a request out for referee merch, didn't

30:20

we? I still think the more

30:22

that we've talked about it, the more I see just

30:25

the general look of referees now. It's

30:27

bonkers. What, are they fitter?

30:30

All these meathead, well they're just like, they're

30:32

all buzz caught, like ripped. Look,

30:35

I tell you what, they look fucking egotistical.

30:38

They look like they're like being the

30:40

centre of attention and they're like being looked at and

30:42

I tell you what they want to do, if you

30:44

like being looked at, why don't you get a fucking

30:46

yellow card out for goalkeepers who waste time? Why don't

30:48

you just do it? I'm

30:50

thinking of Pears, the Blackburn goalkeeper

30:53

who was wasting time from literally

30:55

the fifth minute and it was

30:57

timed and this is impartial because

30:59

this is radio commentary. He took

31:01

45 seconds to take one

31:03

goal kick. Don't mind this is a game in which we had

31:05

15 corners or something insane

31:07

like that. So that's 45 seconds for one

31:09

goal kick and I'd say he took at least 10

31:11

in the first half and that added one minute of

31:13

injury time to the first half. It's crap

31:16

refereeing is what it is. It's shit.

31:18

It's not good enough. He

31:20

booked him in the 85th minute. I'm

31:23

fine, I'm over it. It's only a game and I

31:25

couldn't give a shit but if you book a goal

31:27

keeper in the 85th minute what you're saying is I

31:29

don't dare to send you off. That's why I've waited

31:31

this long. Book him in the first 10 minutes because

31:33

that's what a yellow card is fucking for. I

31:37

agree and I agree with you about referees

31:40

being meatheads and the

31:42

vanity of the modern ref.

31:46

The beer belly on a ref. I

31:48

think you notice the incompetence more because

31:51

they've made themselves look like footballers. They've

31:53

set themselves up more. I've

31:55

got a bit of football and gossip this

31:58

week. think

32:00

I picked up where do you think you

32:02

go for hot football a gossip trendy sky

32:04

club sky sports news HQ

32:06

sky sports news HQ let me tell you

32:09

I was on the runaway mine train at

32:11

Alton Towers okay

32:13

and it's a pretty it's a

32:16

thrill ride let's call it what it is it's

32:18

a bloody thrill ride so um hands

32:20

to the sky is the staff walk by put

32:23

your hands in the air so they can come and check that your lap

32:26

bar is pulled down yeah as he's walking by the guy

32:28

says you know you might want to take your cap off

32:30

you can leave it on but it might blow off lift

32:32

the cap off he says Kyle

32:34

Walker wouldn't take his hat off because he

32:36

didn't want to get recognized lovely

32:39

bit of gossip Kyle Walker too famous to

32:41

take his hat off on the runaway mine

32:43

train very mixed messages from Kyle Walker very

32:45

happy to show other parts of his body

32:47

off but

32:50

no the top of his head oh

32:52

he's a right old prude maybe that was his

32:54

defense my trousers blew down on the

32:56

runaway mine train and I didn't notice

32:59

until several hours later in a nightclub

33:08

yeah that is the thing that will you know what

33:10

I mean you know they've run up to year 96 when

33:12

some of the England players trashed the plane on the

33:14

way back from the far east yes and there was the

33:16

dentist chair in the modern era that's as close as

33:18

you're gonna get to that sort of yobbly

33:20

I think so they're better behaved now

33:23

aren't they well yeah I think

33:25

Harry Kane would take his hat off Oh

33:27

Harry Kane wouldn't even have his hat on I think

33:29

Harry Kane would only go on the runaway mine train

33:31

to give everybody a bit of a thrill yeah

33:33

I'll take it off you'd say that

33:37

a good Harry Kane I should

33:40

be able to do Harry Kane but it

33:42

evades me a little bit yeah I thought

33:44

it played well for you know go play

33:46

also they're always good no he

33:48

was very chatty after the Arsenal game the other night

33:50

I liked it I didn't hear anything he said and

33:52

from that impression I guess neither did you who's

33:55

interviewed on the pitch after the game between

33:57

Arsenal and Bayern Munich you know I thought

34:00

That's a man relieved to be

34:02

interviewed in English. Okay, yeah, he's

34:05

just stretching his legs. That's a

34:07

footballer, ik, benign, kicker.

34:10

Whereas now it's, you know, it can be, it's just like,

34:12

oh, I can spread my legs now. I can go, oh,

34:14

this is lovely. Yeah, Leo, you know, I thought we were

34:16

playing well in midfield. Try to score goals, they're always hard

34:19

to score the penalty. Oh, maybe that's

34:21

good better. I think he's enjoying English more, do you

34:23

think? It's just the chance to use the word periphery.

34:25

Yeah, on the periphery. Quite

34:27

ironic, really, given what an epimolecy you've picked me up

34:29

on what I'm saying. I love

34:32

him. I think he's such a nice man.

34:35

And all this stuff about Leifah

34:37

Cusman in the league, I just think, oh,

34:39

poor Harry. Yeah, well, there's a cursed man

34:41

leaving Spurs to win something. What's

34:44

the Tottenham Hotspur view of Harry

34:46

Kane? Because I've heard some fans

34:48

be quite upset about him. Landlord

34:50

Denny. I love him. Oh, good.

34:53

And he'll stay out there until they win the league,

34:55

which they presume they win next year because they'll just

34:57

chuck money at it. Yeah, and I

34:59

wanted a statue at my house. The

35:01

one that hasn't been used. If you're listening,

35:03

Wharton Council. It's a terrible statue. It looks

35:05

like it's made out of, it looks like

35:08

a fake one that Cadbury's would do for

35:10

some campaign. It does look like

35:12

chocolate. It looks chocolatey. It looks very

35:14

thin. They sat on a really

35:16

shit bench. I get why politicians go,

35:18

we should make a statue of Harry Kane, but then you

35:21

have to do these things properly. You can't do them on

35:23

the cheap. That's my view on statues.

35:25

What's your view on statues? Hello

35:28

at downthedog.com. If you've been affected by anything you've

35:30

heard on today's show or would like to submit

35:33

a jingle for any of our features, email

35:35

us at hello at downthedog.com. And don't forget

35:37

to join us on Another Slice for the

35:40

Down the Dog Lock-in, an exclusive new

35:42

show available for just half the price of

35:44

a pint a month. Three quid a month

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35:48

Lock-in, where you get another couple of episodes

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a month, outtakes, and much more go

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35:55

love of God in your own body, share, subscribe,

35:57

and review. And remember, don't fuck

35:59

your stoma! We're

36:01

all here with

36:03

John and Matt, Shady from

36:06

it, what do we know? As

36:08

the men of Korea laughed, And

36:11

so the men voted, Why

36:14

is Jackie high? The boss of

36:16

the ball, The fact of all

36:18

that didn't get the ball,

36:21

The next order,

36:23

the environmental thing,

36:26

Aye, my podcast's a few words to

36:29

go shoot down your feet.