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1:26

Marriage, relationships, mental health, and

1:28

more. Deep Dive. Dr.

1:32

Laura's Deep Dive podcast. Children

1:38

in stepfamily situations experience real

1:40

and significant challenges that can

1:42

haunt them into adulthood. I

1:45

devoted a previous Deep Dive podcast to the

1:47

struggles of being a step-parent. Today

1:49

I want to focus on how adult kids can

1:52

make the most of their step relationships or how

1:54

they can move on and create a better life

1:57

away from the chaos of their childhoods. are

2:01

just not emotionally equipped to handle the

2:03

complex feelings that come with

2:05

being part of a stepfamily and they often

2:07

react with anger, defiance,

2:10

depression, low

2:13

self-esteem and behavioral

2:15

problems. That was the case

2:17

with Christine who 18 years after

2:20

her stepmom came into her life

2:22

is wondering how to repair the

2:24

relationship that ended with their violent

2:26

encounter. Christine,

2:31

welcome to the program. Hi.

2:33

Hi. Hi Dr. Alora. I

2:36

have a question actually or

2:39

just your opinion really. I've

2:41

had an issue with my

2:44

father's wife. They've

2:47

been married since I was 9 and

2:49

I'm now 27. Well long

2:51

story short, me and

2:54

her never could get along and I've

2:57

done something to her physically when

3:00

I was younger that has made her

3:02

want nothing to do with me and

3:05

I've tried and tried for years

3:08

to reestablish our relationship

3:10

now that I'm older and...

3:12

What is it that you

3:14

did? I'm not too proud

3:17

of it. I was upset

3:19

at her and I just I

3:21

remember attacking her pretty much. How

3:26

violent did it get? She

3:31

was left with scratches on her face so

3:35

that's probably the worst.

3:37

Any no broken bones, stuff like that? No.

3:40

No ma'am. Okay and where was your

3:42

dad when that happened? He

3:45

was there trying to break us apart. So

3:49

after that, I'm talking

3:51

honey. So after that did dad make an effort

3:58

to see you apart for... from

4:00

her? Did

4:04

he see you coming by yourself? Not

4:09

really, because after

4:11

that we left each other alone.

4:18

I can't help you with her if she's not

4:21

willing, she's not willing. She's

4:23

not willing, yes I agree. I

4:26

just had to see maybe an opinion

4:29

from you. I love listening

4:31

to your shows. I know,

4:33

but I need to tell

4:35

me what you want an

4:37

opinion about. Just to see

4:41

if I'm wrong or not, because

4:43

they always throw it in my

4:45

face. I'm sorry, wrong about what?

4:48

Or just the way I

4:50

was when I was younger, I was very

4:53

rebellious as a teenager. Okay, let

4:55

me explain something. Your mother and your father took vows

4:58

in front of family. Sorry,

5:01

but they didn't get married? No

5:04

ma'am, I'm sorry. This is my stepmother. I'm talking about.

5:06

I know that. I know that. Now can you stay

5:08

quiet and just listen to me? Yes. I'm

5:12

answering your question, but

5:14

I'm developing it. Okay. Your

5:18

mom and dad made vows in front

5:20

of God, each other, neighbors, friends, family,

5:24

couldn't keep the marriage together,

5:26

divorced. Your dad marries

5:28

somebody else. Kids

5:30

are left with their family destroyed

5:32

and a stranger who now has authority.

5:34

And dad is very focused

5:36

on his new wife because he's having sex with

5:38

her and he doesn't want to lose that. So

5:42

he's not going to be as attentive

5:44

to his prior kids, nor

5:46

is he necessarily going to protect

5:48

them against the new wife because

5:50

he sleeps with her. So

5:54

when you ask me if you did something

5:56

bad, of course you did, but

5:59

next to what they all dead you did nothing.

6:05

That makes sense. They drove

6:07

you up a wall what can I tell you and

6:11

your dad took her over his

6:13

kids. That was him. So

6:19

your job now is to make a good

6:21

life in spite of all of them. Your

6:26

job is to make the best of

6:29

the new people in your life. Your friends,

6:32

the family that is loving. Your

6:34

job is to

6:36

get the weeds out and enjoy the flowers. Not

6:41

to spend your time suffering over the weeds.

6:45

Your story, listen

6:47

to this word is typical.

6:52

So please don't blame yourself. Okay.

6:56

Thank you so much. You were

6:58

a kid. Please. Thank

7:07

you. I really appreciate it. I

7:10

felt all my life like my

7:12

life has been robbed. Like I

7:14

wasn't able to have a relationship with my

7:17

father because of him. You're correct. You're right.

7:20

And I need to let this go. Yes.

7:22

I mean you do. You're

7:24

right on both counts. You're a very smart young woman.

7:26

I'm impressed with you. Thank

7:29

you. Christine

7:33

was wise enough to understand that she had

7:35

only one choice. Let go of her anger

7:37

and the anguish she felt over the lost

7:39

relationship with her dad. That's the

7:42

sad reality of situations like this. It's

7:45

my hope for her and anyone

7:47

damaged by bad childhoods that they're able

7:49

to create the good family life

7:51

for themselves that they weren't fortunate enough to

7:53

be born into. My next

7:56

caller, Jennifer, was able to do just that. However,

7:58

even as a half- happily married stay-at-home

8:01

mom, she was still suffering the

8:03

truth that her father and stepmother

8:05

refused to make time to

8:07

be involved grandparents. Jennifer,

8:12

welcome to the program. Hi,

8:14

Dr. Laura. I'm a long-time listener

8:16

and because of you, I'm actually

8:19

a stay-at-home mother to my three

8:21

children. Oh, excellent. What can I do

8:23

for you? And I want to thank you for that. I'm

8:26

having a little dilemma with

8:28

my stepmother. The

8:32

background on that is that my

8:35

father and her... My

8:39

father actually, a long time ago when I

8:41

was two, had left my mother, cheated on

8:43

her, kind of was in and out of

8:46

my sister and my life for

8:48

a long time. And

8:50

so we're not real close to him,

8:53

but we see him occasionally. So

8:56

my relationship with my stepmother took

8:58

a lot of work because when

9:00

he started dating her, she never

9:02

wanted kids. She didn't really... She's

9:05

not a really kid person, so it took a while. And

9:08

so we got to a good point

9:10

and about three years

9:12

ago, my husband and our kids moved to

9:15

the East Coast and

9:18

at the time we moved there,

9:20

we had two children. I had one child there. And

9:23

never... My stepmother and my dad

9:26

said they were going to come out and see the baby after he

9:28

was born. They never did.

9:31

And so now we're back on the West

9:33

Coast and we've seen them a few times,

9:36

but I just got a text the

9:38

other day from my stepmother saying that

9:40

they're going to go to South Carolina

9:42

for my cousin is in this really

9:45

big national BMX

9:47

racing. And so a

9:50

part of me felt a little hurt. And

9:54

my husband, same thing. He doesn't

9:56

understand. We were out on the

9:58

East Coast and they couldn't actually... were we were

10:00

in North Carolina so they didn't

10:34

care much. Right. Because

10:38

they're not related, so it's not important to

10:41

them. So

10:44

my recommendation is you

10:47

count the blessings of the people who do give

10:49

a damn and who are into you and you

10:51

let them go. Stop

10:54

being hurt, what value is that? Does it make

10:56

you feel better? Does it have any power? No.

11:01

It's not personal dear. If you

11:03

were me and I was you, the same thing would be happening.

11:07

And there's one thing to it though, I did text

11:09

her and tell her, and a nice way I should

11:12

not have text her. I know

11:14

because she came back with a very nasty text. It

11:17

doesn't matter. You

11:22

did something wrong. You

11:25

didn't look at reality and accept it. Repeat

11:30

after me. I need to look at reality

11:32

and accept it. Say it. I

11:34

need to look at reality and accept it. Yeah.

11:39

That's who they are. That's it.

11:42

Okay. You expect

11:44

a two year old to be in the Olympics in high

11:46

jumping? Yes or no? No.

11:48

Yes or no? No.

11:52

Why not? Because

11:54

you accept the reality. This is no different. Mm

11:57

hmm. This is no different. You're

12:00

expecting them to act like family. That's not who they are.

12:02

You've known that for quite a while. Get

12:04

up to speed. Expectations

12:08

and the distance they have from

12:10

reality, that space in between,

12:13

it's filled with disappointment. But

12:15

if you have no expectation, there's

12:17

no disappointment. They're

12:20

right. So,

12:23

are your husband's parents nice? Do they give a

12:25

damn? Yes. And my

12:27

mother does. There you go. Well,

12:30

there you go. Then stop being greedy. Yeah.

12:36

Yeah, we have plenty of other family members

12:38

that make up for it. Then you

12:41

disrespect the ones who give

12:43

a damn by spending so

12:45

much emotion on

12:47

the one who doesn't. You're

12:50

right. It disrespects

12:53

your mother and his parents. Okay.

13:01

Well, I needed to hear that. Good. We're

13:03

done with them. Block them from your phone. Get on

13:05

with your life. Thank

13:08

you. You're very welcome. Okay.

13:13

Going to take a little break now and you're going

13:15

to think about something really crappy from your childhood,

13:17

put it in a helium balloon. And

13:20

until I come back, you're just going to watch it go

13:22

up into the stratosphere. Deep

13:25

Dive. Deep

13:27

Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep

13:30

Dive Podcast. Nothing

13:37

is more important than helping your kids

13:39

become competent adults. Academics is

13:41

one step in their success. If

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to get 50% off. dive

16:00

podcast. Everybody

16:03

is impacted by their childhoods in some way.

16:06

You don't have to let it scar you.

16:08

You don't have to hold on to the

16:10

hurt. What you do

16:12

need is to manage

16:14

your expectations of people who tend

16:17

to disappoint you. Focus

16:19

on things that bring you peace and joy

16:21

instead, like the family

16:23

you've created. That's a wonderful place

16:25

to put your energy and your heart.

16:29

Similar to Jennifer, Eric, another

16:31

young mother, was suffering, wishing

16:34

for a better relationship with her dad for

16:36

the sake of her kids. However,

16:38

as I explained, it wasn't likely he

16:40

and his wife would turn things around

16:42

after so many years of neglect to

16:45

become the type of grandparents she

16:47

was hoping for. Erica,

16:52

welcome to the program. Hi,

16:54

Dr. Laura. Hi. I have

16:57

a question for you, just kind of

17:00

how to handle a situation and move

17:02

forward with my father and stepmom. I

17:06

have kiddos now and growing up,

17:08

I lived about two hours away

17:10

from my dad but have since

17:12

moved closer. My

17:15

dad now really does show that he wants

17:17

to be a part of their lives. I've

17:19

tried to forgive

17:23

the past or how I felt growing up

17:25

in order for my kids to have a

17:27

relationship. Why do

17:30

you care if your kids have a relationship

17:32

with somebody you haven't had in a relationship

17:34

with? Why do you care about that? I'm

17:36

always amused. My father used to beat the

17:38

crap out of me and

17:40

pull my mother's hair out through her

17:42

eyelashes. I'm making something up. Just listen.

17:45

But I feel bad keeping him from

17:47

my kids. I think my kids should

17:49

know their grandpa. Do you know how

17:52

many times I've heard that sort of

17:54

story and I'm always amazed, confused?

18:00

I think certainly in the case of

18:02

abuse I would not make any excuses.

18:04

I made that up to give an

18:07

example of why if the adult doesn't

18:09

want the contact, why you think it's

18:11

a necessity or really appropriate for kids

18:13

to have contact? Just curiosity. I

18:16

think I made the excuse that distance was

18:18

the reason we didn't have a better relationship

18:21

growing up. Well,

18:23

because he didn't bother as an adult to

18:25

make sure he didn't have a relationship with

18:27

his kids. What

18:31

does distance have to do with it? Why

18:34

was a man and I was divorced, I would

18:36

drag myself through broken glass to be with my

18:38

kids? You wouldn't? Oh,

18:41

110 percent, yeah. Then why are

18:43

you giving him a pass? Because

18:46

I don't want to be an orphan. I don't want to think

18:48

he didn't care. I want to make up something

18:50

that makes me feel good. No,

18:53

I just, I guess I want

18:55

to give him a second chance. Yeah,

18:57

can you do me a favor, give him a second

18:59

chance for a year and then see if he deserved

19:04

it before you make your kids have

19:06

to get involved? Leave

19:10

them out of it until his

19:12

second chance is proven that he earned

19:14

it? Doesn't that make sense? Or

19:16

do you want to just jump into pretending everything's good?

19:20

No, no. I, you think

19:23

it's a conversation then of what

19:25

my expectations are? It's

19:27

a year of seeing what effort he puts in

19:29

and how he behaves. Effort

19:31

behavior, effort behavior, repeat those.

19:34

Effort, come on. Effort behavior, yeah. Right,

19:37

take a year to see if effort

19:39

and behavior are there and then

19:41

decide whether or not you want to bring them into

19:43

your kids' lives. To

19:47

me that's your moral obligation to your children. Yeah.

19:51

And you tell your dad straight out, I'm

19:54

going to see how your effort and behavior

19:56

goes in for a year and if I

19:58

think this is good for my kids. introduce you? Well

20:02

I mean they already know

20:06

him as the problem. He's always kind of been around

20:08

I guess. Well kind of is nothing your kids need

20:10

is it? Yeah I know. I

20:18

think that's my problem is I don't want to be the

20:20

bad guy that says. Be the bad

20:22

guy because that makes you the bad

20:24

guy because that makes you the good

20:26

mother. Okay. Did

20:31

you understand that one? That was a biggie. I

20:34

definitely understand that yes. I

20:36

think that happens a lot in

20:39

Paris. Yeah that's true. That

20:42

is you never said something that was one

20:44

of the most brilliant things ever spoken by

20:46

a human being seriously. But

20:51

you have to be a good mother first. Not

20:54

the hopeful daughter. Okay

20:58

that's I think exactly how I needed to hear

21:00

it. Thank you. So

21:03

make him prove himself

21:05

to you for a

21:08

year 365 days. I don't know

21:10

how many hours

21:12

that is.

21:17

Dan probably knows. But

21:21

without a conversation just the pulling back

21:23

and watching.

21:26

Mm-hmm. Okay you don't

21:28

have a conversation you see what happens. Yep

21:31

okay. Tell

21:35

him he has to prove himself to you. I

21:40

feel like I already know what's gonna happen with

21:42

that but yes. Yeah I

21:44

know I know you know. You

21:46

just didn't want to believe it. Well maybe you're wrong.

21:49

Hey what if

21:51

you're wrong? Wouldn't that

21:53

be great news? Well let's

21:55

take the year and find out if you're right or wrong okay.

21:58

Okay thank you very much. You're

22:01

welcome, sweetie. Second

22:04

marriages are often the source of pain for the

22:06

kids who are involved, and that pain doesn't

22:09

end with adulthood. The quality

22:11

of our relationships in life are limited

22:14

by each person's character, and you

22:16

only have control over your own

22:18

actions and character. When

22:21

I spoke with Brandy, she was

22:23

sad over the way her stepmother

22:25

and half-siblings were always making

22:27

plans for family get-togethers, that

22:31

excluded her. Brandy,

22:35

welcome to the program. Hi, Dr.

22:37

Laura, how are you? Good. What

22:40

can I do for you? Okay, so

22:42

I'm going to try and get

22:44

to my question as succinctly as

22:46

possible with just a tiny bit

22:48

of background. I have an amazing relationship with

22:50

my dad. He's one of my best friends. I

22:54

have a stepbrother and a step-sister and

22:56

a stepmom, and

22:59

my stepmom has not been married to my dad

23:01

for 20 years now. In

23:04

the last two years, my stepbrother,

23:06

step-sister and stepmom have been going

23:09

in together for gifts for my dad's

23:11

large item gifts that they never included

23:14

me in. So,

23:18

Father's Day came this year,

23:20

and they made reservations for

23:22

Father's Day and did not include

23:25

me, saying that they thought I

23:27

would like to spend time with

23:29

my husband for Father's Day, whose

23:31

father is no longer around. So,

23:35

Christmas is coming, and I want

23:37

to... My dad is moving

23:39

to a new house, and he's excited

23:41

to host Christmas, but we

23:44

weren't sure he would be in a new house, so

23:46

we thought we might be hosting Christmas at our house.

23:50

And it's difficult because everybody has houses, and

23:53

I'm the only one that has children. So,

23:57

my stepbrother, my sister, or my

23:59

stepmom... have all again gone in on a gift

24:01

for my dad without asking me. And I found this

24:03

out because I asked them, hey guys, dad's in a

24:06

new house. Do you guys want to go in on

24:08

like a seating service or something? And

24:10

they said, oh no, we already got him a gift thing. And

24:13

so it means that I would be

24:15

asking my husband, can we have dinner

24:18

at my dad's once again? And he's kind of of

24:20

the mindset, like, we're going there to spend

24:22

time with your stepmom, your brother, your sister, and they

24:24

don't include you in anything. So

24:26

why would we bend over to do

24:28

that? But really, it's for

24:30

my dad. So I'm stuck with what to do. I

24:32

don't know if A, I should bridge the

24:35

issue with my siblings and my stepmom

24:37

and say, hey. Well, they're not. OK.

24:41

OK. Did your dad make

24:43

those coat siblings with her? Are

24:45

they biologically his? Absolutely.

24:48

OK. Stop thinking

24:50

you're going to be included. You're not. OK.

24:54

And that's because of her. OK.

24:59

She's a wretched person. So

25:02

plan your own little private. I

25:04

mean, everything doesn't have to be everybody

25:06

chipping in for some huge gift. You

25:09

can get your dad something sweet from

25:11

you and his

25:14

grandchildren. I don't see why you think

25:16

you need to be included in that. She's

25:18

not going to let that happen. That's the end of that.

25:20

So stop worrying about something

25:22

you already understand. In

25:25

terms of the holidays, contact your dad

25:28

and say, I would like to spend Christmas

25:30

with you. Where

25:32

are we going to do it? Would you like to come

25:35

to my house? In other words, don't work through her or

25:37

for your dad. If he's a total limp

25:39

dick, then I'm sorry. There's

25:41

not much we can do at all. But

25:44

if he's not and he's willing to make

25:46

arrangements with you and hold the

25:48

rest of the family accountable to his arrangements

25:50

with you, that'll be great. So

25:54

she's not very nice. And we need to find out

25:56

if he's a limp dick. Okay,

26:02

Okay, You

26:05

can only more suffering from

26:07

is extremely. Probably.

26:09

Over ninety five percent of the time as what

26:11

happens in second marriages. The

26:15

kids from the first are excluded as much

26:17

as possible. So. She can have the

26:19

fantasy that this is the one and only. But.

26:26

When. You find people who are nice, really embrace

26:28

them. As. Absolutely

26:32

at is this If there's there's so

26:34

much of your step mom going around.

26:39

Well. I'm glad. I'm glad that say

26:41

you. Know for. I.

26:44

Do I not have the same legit early my

26:46

that it never works I hear you though. I

26:48

tied up my didn't say never. I

26:51

don't I never very pathetic. Typically

26:53

it typically does not work. right?

26:56

Eye area. For the same reason

26:58

all over the world. People.

27:00

Like to conglomerate. In little

27:02

groups. Think.

27:04

About it in the history the

27:06

world you get Africa tribes, Tried.

27:12

To kill off each other all the time. United.

27:14

States. In initially

27:17

the. Natives.

27:19

Everybody has strengths. You. Go

27:22

to high schools anywhere in the United States. You

27:24

go to the lunch room. Hill. Tribes.

27:28

People. Tend to Guam right? When.

27:31

You hear about a plane crash. They.

27:34

Don't mention any Americans are in it. You feel

27:36

bad. When. They mention

27:38

Americans were in it. You feel really bad. Why?

27:42

You tribe. Of

27:45

human beings, tribal animals, So

27:48

these new families. Tend

27:50

to be their own tribe. When. You

27:52

have people extending themselves past that. Embrace

27:54

it because it's not typical. You.

27:58

Because. i consider my dad part of

28:00

my tribe like I was willing to extend the- He's

28:02

not part of your tribe anymore. Okay.

28:06

Okay. I appreciate that. That's

28:09

a mistake you're making. He's not in

28:11

your tribe. He's in hers. Frequently

28:15

the new spouse views their stepchild

28:17

as part of the past and

28:19

there can be loyalty and rivalry

28:21

issues. It can be hard to

28:23

have a copacetic relationship under those

28:26

circumstances and it can be emotionally

28:28

complicated. When I spoke to

28:30

Gina, she was grappling with her feelings

28:32

about the death of her stepmother who

28:34

she believed never really cared for her. Gina,

28:40

welcome to the program. Hi Dr.

28:42

Laura. Thanks for taking my call. Thank

28:45

you. My

28:47

question is, we

28:50

recently lost my

28:52

stepmother about eight

28:54

months ago and

28:58

I'm feeling like I'm having trouble.

29:02

It's brought up a lot of feelings of

29:06

not only grief but anger

29:09

about situations that we

29:12

had in the past in my family.

29:15

Feeling like she didn't really care for us

29:17

that much. Well,

29:21

maybe she didn't and then what's your point? Not

29:25

everybody marrying into a new family likes

29:27

everybody. Not everybody born into a family

29:29

likes everybody. That

29:31

is true. So it's true. To

29:33

some extent you're probably right. So now what?

29:37

But now what? How shall

29:39

we let this hurt the rest of your life?

29:46

I know. Let's think about it every

29:48

day. Let's

29:51

remember certain circumstances where your feelings were hurt. Let's

29:53

review them again and again and let's make the rest of your

29:55

life miserable. I

30:00

get it. Okay,

30:03

this is what I want you to do. Take a piece

30:05

of paper and generally,

30:08

not specifically, write down the things you didn't

30:10

like about her. Put

30:12

it in an envelope. Go

30:15

in the backyard and bury

30:17

it as

30:19

though you were burying it with her. Gina,

30:22

welcome back to the program. Hi,

30:25

thanks for having me back. Well,

30:28

welcome back. For those who didn't hear us the

30:30

first time, give a little

30:32

rundown of what you called about, what I nagged you

30:34

to do, and where we are today. I

30:38

was upset because I was still having

30:41

a lot of anger and sadness over

30:44

the passing of my stepmom and

30:47

just angry feelings

30:49

about things that had

30:51

happened in the past. You

30:54

asked me to write down things,

30:57

from what I interpreted, things that angered me on

31:00

paper and then bury

31:03

those in my backyard. As

31:07

I was writing things down,

31:10

I did become very, very

31:12

angry, more

31:14

so than angry, sad, I would say. A

31:18

lot of the sadness was

31:20

more directed towards her

31:23

and my father, just because

31:25

it brought up a lot of past situations,

31:29

my parents being divorced and just feeling

31:31

like that

31:34

it really didn't have anything to do with her at all.

31:40

Angry that, like I said, my parents had

31:42

divorced and

31:44

my dad had gone and remarried and created

31:47

another family, but somehow that

31:50

felt more important. It

31:53

was really therapeutic just to get

31:56

it down on paper and understand

31:58

that... it

32:00

put things in perspective a little bit more. And

32:03

I felt like, why am I, you know what, I have a really

32:05

great life now. Why am I devoting so

32:08

much attention to this? So. And

32:12

then what did you do? Well,

32:15

I put it in a little bag and I

32:17

buried it in the backyard. And

32:19

I thought, you know what, I'm going to be done with this.

32:21

I'm going to focus on what I have now. Good

32:25

for you. And

32:28

you know, I think what

32:31

you had told me was, you

32:33

know, you can basically hone in and

32:35

pay attention to something every day and

32:40

let it eat away at you. And

32:42

like, that's my choice. And I don't, it's going

32:44

to be my choice not to be that way.

32:48

Good. Give yourself a break. You're

32:50

going to start turning yourself nicer now. Absolutely.

32:55

I'm very proud of you. I appreciate it.

32:57

You're also a very insightful woman. You

33:00

could see that she was the symptom.

33:02

Your parents were the problem. Right.

33:06

That was very important of you. And

33:10

for all those men and women who think, oh,

33:13

divorce is no big deal to the kids and

33:15

remarrying. I hope they're listening to you. Yes,

33:20

me too. Because it doesn't

33:23

stop when you're young. You

33:26

know, you have to deal with the effects when you're

33:28

older. That's right. You

33:30

do. Good for you. I'm very

33:32

proud of you. Thank you. I

33:35

appreciate it. Take care. Bye

33:37

bye. You too. Bye bye. Great.

33:41

Very appreciative. And people

33:43

take my nagging, do it, and call us back.

33:45

And I think

33:47

it's good for everybody else to hear somebody

33:51

going through a process. OK.

33:54

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deep dive. Dr.

36:25

Laura's lecture is named Dog

36:27

Podcast. The realizations Gina

36:29

came to were very healthy, and

36:32

I imagine very healing. It's

36:34

always a better idea to focus on the

36:36

blessings you do have in life rather than

36:38

dwell on what you don't have. It

36:41

is possible to let go of the pain

36:43

you're holding on to. When

36:45

Chandra called me, the years of

36:47

resentment she had been holding in

36:49

since childhood had finally exploded, leaving

36:52

her stepmother shocked and alarmed.

36:55

She needed advice for how to sort the

36:57

mess out with her father. Chandra,

37:02

welcome to the program. Thank

37:05

you. I'm going to set

37:07

this up a little bit, and then I'll ask my question

37:09

if that's all right. Yes. So

37:13

my parents were married, and they had three

37:15

children, my older brother, myself,

37:17

and then a younger brother. And

37:20

then when I was nine years old, my dad had an affair

37:22

on my mom. And he

37:24

ended up leaving my mom and married the woman

37:27

he had an affair with, which is now my

37:29

stepmom. And then

37:32

they had two more children, so I have two

37:34

half-brothers. So my

37:37

call today is about I have to have a

37:40

meeting with my dad on Friday because I had

37:42

a huge blowout with my stepmom this

37:45

prior Friday. And it

37:47

was all this stuff that

37:49

I guess I've been keeping inside and something

37:53

had happened. She gave a ticket away that she said

37:55

was mine. She gave it to one of my Half-brothers'

37:58

girlfriends. They didn't keep

38:00

in contact with her about the football games

38:03

I was coming up and I yell. I

38:05

told her everything that I ever saw and

38:07

my whole entire life I had. I didn't

38:09

control my father all. it was really nasty.

38:12

It was horrible. And.

38:14

Cel Mai.checks to be this morning and asked me

38:16

if we to talk on Friday. He has been

38:18

talk to me or Calder anything since I had

38:20

to fight with her and she was alone when

38:23

I. Told her everything I felt

38:25

that my dad did see her in the driveway

38:27

in the car and wonder know why she was

38:29

upset. So I'm kind of thinking that you probably

38:31

told him everything. So.

38:33

Anti Tax me this morning said joined meet

38:35

on Friday I said yes I can lead

38:37

to sign this time my house your house

38:39

So we decided my house and in the

38:41

morning and and so at the end of

38:43

the checks they said okay few Friday love

38:46

you and he texted me back Tracy Friday

38:48

love you back. And

38:50

it would kind of odd to the never says

38:52

love you back and so now I'm either over

38:54

and don't read into it. Occurred.

38:57

Please you guys. I love you back. I've said

38:59

that. Okay, So.

39:02

I have said that and I didn't mean anything bad

39:04

by and. Oh crap. I'm

39:08

feeling really anxious. Of.

39:10

Course that would. Tell. Him everything. You

39:12

told her she had been holding the stuff instance I

39:14

was nine years and. Had. Enough of it.

39:17

Over. And. I.

39:20

Make sure you might have to be down. See, don't forget all

39:22

the things you said. Yeah. That's I did

39:25

for this call. Okay, So.

39:27

What are some tools that I can use to

39:29

keep com know to you know tools? Just say

39:32

this is since ninth grade. Since nine years old

39:34

this is the stuff she is done. It drives

39:36

me up a wall. And. It all came

39:38

out. Because. Of the ticket. Would. You

39:40

like to hear it all. Where would you like You just read it

39:43

on this beach neighbor? Who

39:45

can. Do It. A

39:48

worried? I dunno. Small state. Okay,

39:51

He's. pretty manipulative so i'm sorry

39:54

this is not perfect either

39:56

but you're not i'm not

39:58

let's not diagnose everybody He

40:00

said let's talk if

40:02

he's going to if he's going to listen to you

40:04

tell him everything Tell

40:06

him you had an affair on mom left us

40:08

married this woman, and it has not been a

40:11

happy thing for me The

40:14

truth okay you

40:18

left us And

40:21

then brought this to us And

40:24

this is what it's meant to me This

40:28

is what you have to deal with with your dad Yeah

40:32

So I'm gonna repeat this I was

40:34

nine you had an affair you

40:36

left us And then you brought

40:38

a new family to us, and

40:41

this is what it's meant to me That would

40:43

be a great way to start Okay

40:47

Is there no, I don't

40:49

know don't even ask me don't even ask me

40:51

oh Come on because

40:54

you're human Yeah, but

40:56

it never bothered me before it always

40:59

bothered you you just didn't want to break

41:01

with your dad Yeah, it's

41:03

always bothered you dear, and you damn well

41:05

know that But you

41:07

didn't want to lose your dad Yeah,

41:10

now I feel like I don't really care if I

41:13

lose them though cuz I feel like you chose yeah

41:15

You still do you still do? Okay

41:19

You still do less because you're

41:21

more mature and less dependent, but you still do

41:25

But understand he's not going to reprimand

41:27

her nor is he gonna leave her This

41:30

is just hopefully going to make the communication between

41:33

you and your dad better Okay,

41:35

when he understands the gravity of what

41:38

he created Because

41:41

what you had to yell at her about is

41:43

ultimately his construction

41:49

So this is truly not about her No,

41:52

it's not at all. She just happened

41:54

to be the person I called that day, right?

41:58

Now it never would have happened because because he had small kids,

42:00

but let's just say he had married me. You

42:03

would love your stepmother. Absolutely,

42:05

I would. But I know, so they

42:07

all don't have to be horrible, okay?

42:10

But I wouldn't have done that. All

42:14

right. All right, so

42:16

call me, so you're meeting him this Friday, call

42:18

me Monday. All right, I will. Well,

42:20

wait a minute. What time are you meeting him on Friday? 9

42:24

a.m. What, Pacific

42:26

time? Yeah, I

42:28

live in Oregon, so. Oh, then

42:30

call me after you have your meeting, because I'll be

42:32

here. All right, I will. All

42:34

right, sweetheart. Thank you. Stay

42:37

strong, stay strong. I will, I will. All right,

42:39

all right. Chandra,

42:41

welcome to the program. Thank

42:44

you. So,

42:47

I'll let everybody know what happened from our

42:49

conversation the other day. I

42:51

was having. Oh, update everybody on what you

42:53

called for in the first place, yes. Yeah.

42:57

I called you, I think it was on

42:59

Tuesday, about how I had a huge blowout

43:01

with my stepmom. And

43:03

it was about everything I pretty much ever

43:05

felt and thought about her as far as,

43:07

because my dad had an affair on my

43:10

mother and then ended up getting with her

43:12

and marrying her. So, my

43:14

anger and my frustration towards my dad came

43:16

out on her. Right. And

43:18

then my dad called for a meeting and I knew it

43:20

was going to be about the conversation I had with her.

43:23

I told you I was anxious about it. Yep.

43:27

I had my meeting this morning at 9am

43:30

and it went really, really well. I used all

43:32

the time. Good. Tell me, tell me,

43:34

tell me. Well, you told me to, first of all,

43:37

because I was feeling anxious, you said to stay strong

43:39

and to tell the truth. And

43:42

I think that for half of the world, it's

43:44

hard to stay strong and tell the truth, especially

43:46

when you're confronting everything you ever felt. And I

43:48

had, you said to make a list and tell

43:50

my dad everything that I told my stepmom. And

43:53

I did, which was really hard because I was really mean. And

43:57

so, we went over everything that I

43:59

felt. that I thought and that I

44:01

said. He told me his

44:03

resentments. I told him my resentments. And then we both

44:05

agreed at the end of the conversation that we were

44:07

going to put this down. We

44:09

weren't going to bring it up again because we got it

44:11

all taken care of and everything laid out. I told him

44:14

everything I felt. And then we

44:16

agreed to talk once a week and get together once

44:18

a month. Sounds

44:21

great. So your

44:23

advice always helps. I appreciate you so much.

44:26

I listen to you every day. And everything

44:28

you say is true. I love

44:30

you. I am. Thank

44:32

you. I'm very impressed that he

44:35

hung in there with you. That gives him lots of

44:37

points, don't you think? Absolutely.

44:39

It does. Because there was even points where I just

44:41

wanted to end the conversation and be like, this

44:43

isn't going anywhere. I'm done. But that wouldn't have solved

44:45

anything. Right. You

44:48

were in my head over and over when those moments where I was

44:50

trying to work with. I hope you'd think that. Stay

44:53

strong. Tell the truth. And

44:56

call me back after the conversation. Yes.

44:59

I'm a person that I have good integrity. So

45:02

I said I call you. Do you

45:05

feel sufficiently

45:07

satisfied? I

45:10

do. I do feel sufficiently satisfied. And

45:12

you also said he's not a perfect

45:14

person. Neither am I. And

45:16

it's true. Nobody's perfect. So

45:21

he's still there. I'm still here. He wants to

45:23

build a relationship. So I do feel

45:25

satisfied. And I think that he's still satisfied

45:27

also. Well, that's perfect then.

45:30

It was a win-win. It was

45:32

a win-win. And I wouldn't have done it because I really

45:34

did want to cut him off. I told you, I just

45:36

don't want to have a relationship anymore. And you said, yes,

45:38

you do. And I thought about it. I

45:40

do. I do love my dad. I do want to have a

45:42

relationship. And when situations come

45:45

up and I feel like stuff isn't going my way

45:47

or I'm annoyed about something, I'm going to talk about

45:49

it right then and there, even though it's hard to

45:51

do. But do it because you feel so

45:53

much better afterwards. And you don't hold those resentments. Point

45:57

well taken. It's

46:00

wonderful when you're able to express your

46:02

feelings instead of just stuff them down.

46:04

Of course, that's not easy for little

46:06

kids to do who find themselves in

46:08

unhappy step families. There's no

46:11

way to forget the pain of

46:13

an upsetting childhood and there's no

46:15

way not to feel sad and

46:17

annoyed and maybe even

46:19

angry. But you can choose to fill

46:21

your life with other good things and

46:23

make those crappy people

46:26

feelings and memories a

46:28

much smaller part of the

46:30

world. Do you need some help

46:32

leaving the past in the past? Give me a

46:34

call at 1-800-DR. LAURA

46:37

and let's discuss it. No. Go

46:39

do the right thing. If

46:42

you like this podcast, be sure to rate

46:44

it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place

46:46

to listen to my podcast. Of

46:48

course, I'd love if you gave me 5

46:51

stars. And be sure

46:53

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46:55

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ready to go. All that

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incredible prices backed by a transferable lifetime

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warranty and on sale now for up

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to 40% off. So

47:52

Shop your local Cabinets to

47:54

go showroom or visit cabinetstogo.com/Dr.

47:56

Laura for a free 3D

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design. The to go where you

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get well. For less.