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card. Listen

1:02

to all my episodes of

1:04

Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in

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your favorite podcast app. Search

1:09

for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast

1:12

and follow my Deep Dive

1:14

today. Dr.

1:19

Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive. Offering

1:22

new analysis and advice on some

1:24

of life's more perplexing problems. Marriage,

1:27

relationships, mental health and more.

1:30

Deep Dive. Dr.

1:33

Laura's Deep Dive podcast. Myself,

1:35

my husband and my mother-in-law

1:38

had plans to meet at

1:40

our house to go to a party. She

1:42

called me on my cell phone about 45 minutes

1:45

early and told me, I'm in front of your

1:47

house. Can I come in? When

1:49

she comes in, she starts to clean things. So

1:52

I asked if she'd

1:54

be willing as a guest to just go and sit

1:56

in the TV room and watch TV as well. until

2:00

they're ready and then she still cleans things.

2:06

This is an easy one. That

2:08

particular night when she's coming over, leave

2:10

the dishes in the sink. Yeah. Show

2:13

some brains here. Don't clean the bathroom

2:15

that day. And say, I'm

2:17

so glad you're helping us. I got behind.

2:20

No point in this daughter-in-law ever saying, oh

2:23

God, your mother's coming over. I

2:25

have to clean. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, totally.

2:28

Instead she gets to say, oh good,

2:30

your mother's coming over. She'll clean.

2:33

Don't take it as an insult. Take it

2:35

as a gift. Okay,

2:42

can we be real here? A

2:44

mother-in-law who cleans while she's waiting for you to

2:46

get ready in your house is probably not trying

2:48

to hurt you. Maybe it feels

2:50

like an insult, but isn't it more likely

2:53

that she's just trying to find something to

2:55

do? Maybe she didn't want to

2:57

watch TV. Maybe she'd...

2:59

these are just habits. Maybe she

3:01

thought she was being helpful and considerate. I

3:04

can see how the daughter-in-law might feel

3:06

insulted, but it probably was not meant

3:08

as one. Sadly, this

3:11

is how a lot of mother-in-law and

3:13

daughter-in-law relationships go. Women. Mm. We

3:16

sure can be difficult. And

3:18

probably the most frequent type

3:20

of relationship run-in calls I

3:22

get are those between moms

3:25

of sons and the women they've

3:27

married. Some of it has

3:30

to do with the older woman-younger woman

3:32

dynamic. Young women tend to

3:34

be a bit insecure when older women

3:36

give their opinions or advice. But

3:39

it isn't mean, and it isn't an insult. I

3:42

do this all day on my program in the

3:44

hopes of helping you improve your life. Yeah,

3:47

well then, hmm, I can just imagine

3:49

how some of you more sensitive types

3:52

freak out if I was your mother-in-law. So,

3:56

for example, if I were your mother-in-law, I

3:58

would call and say... I'm free at three. You want

4:01

to go to Michael's? I got a 20% off. That's

4:06

probably what I be doing. You want to go

4:08

work out? You want to go

4:10

to the spa and I'll take care of all

4:12

10 of the kids? I

4:16

don't expect you then to wait for

4:18

my son to come home and say, oh your mother

4:20

called and she was being so bossy. She said I

4:22

should go get a spa treatment. What is she saying?

4:24

I'm ugly? I look haggard? What is she saying? Oh

4:27

she wants to take care of the kids while I

4:29

go out to a spa treatment. So what is she

4:31

saying? I'm not a good mother? You

4:37

may laugh but that's the kind of stuff that does go down. So

4:41

many young women seem to assume

4:43

that their mother-in-law is going to

4:45

be a problem. They turn her

4:47

into Cruella de Vil in their

4:49

minds and automatically discount all of

4:51

her opinions and suggestions or they

4:53

overreact to them. When I spoke

4:55

to my caller Heather, she was

4:57

on her way to a less

4:59

than wonderful relationship with her future

5:01

in-laws before she even had taken

5:03

her vows and all because

5:06

of a simple suggestion. Heather,

5:12

welcome to the program. Hi Dr. Laura. Thank you

5:14

so much for taking my call. I

5:18

would appreciate some advice regarding my mother-in-law and

5:20

my upcoming wedding to her son. I've

5:23

been with her son Grant for four

5:25

and a half years. I've been dating since we

5:27

were 19. So I've kind of grown up with

5:29

the family a lot. We were living at home

5:31

during college. So always

5:34

around the house and stuff and we're just

5:36

very different people. She's very private and kind

5:38

of passive and I'm very open and a

5:41

little anxious and overly communicative. But

5:44

our relationship has always been fairly decent. We've

5:46

never been best friends but we've always gotten

5:48

along pretty well. I'm not

5:50

supposed to be best friends. That's

5:55

his mom. Yeah. Your

5:57

mother-in-law to be. Yeah, you're not best friends. Go ahead.

6:00

Okay, thank you. So

6:02

anyways, with the wedding the last couple months,

6:05

we're getting married in April, so starting to kind of, you

6:07

know, get real and things are starting to really get planned.

6:09

And she's been kind of, in

6:12

my view, overstepping her bounds a little bit

6:14

on just a certain aspect of her wedding.

6:18

Oh, gosh. What? Right,

6:21

Zillow. What was that? What

6:24

is she doing that's overstepping her bounds as

6:26

the one who brought your husband into this

6:28

world and raised him? Not,

6:32

I love her and I want her to be part of

6:35

her wedding. Just tell me what she's done. That has been

6:37

so terrible. She's

6:39

recommended her 13-year-old second cousin's

6:41

daughter to be a bridesmaid of mine, to

6:43

be part of the wedding. She can recommend

6:45

anything she'd like and you can say, hey,

6:47

yeah, I wish I could, but I already

6:49

have that all lined up. That's it. Okay.

6:52

She can't ask me for anything and that is not

6:54

overstepping her bounds, damn it. Taking

6:57

a simple question, making a

6:59

recommendation, making an observation,

7:01

making a request is what

7:04

we call communication. Then you

7:06

have the ability to say, oh, sorry,

7:09

I can't really accommodate that because I already have them

7:11

all. And

7:14

no overstepping her bounds, there's no

7:16

anger, there's no resentment, there's just

7:18

two human beings, one

7:20

asking a question and the other

7:22

answering. Well, yes,

7:25

and so I have been politely declining

7:27

her request. That's fine. And

7:29

then there's no problem. The

7:31

second part is she's now turning to my

7:34

fiancé and saying

7:37

that she feels like I'm avoiding her and that I'm... You

7:40

probably are. Okay. No,

7:43

it is really, you know, you

7:45

young women who are getting married don't

7:47

understand, I am

7:49

going to write this book. I mean, you just tipped the

7:52

scanner. No, I have to write this

7:54

book. I'm not beating you up. It's

7:56

just that, how old are you? Twenty-four.

8:00

You're 24 years old. Five years ago you

8:02

were a freaking teenager. Oh, of

8:04

course. She is how old? 52. Yes.

8:08

She's been alive for over half a century

8:10

and has raised at least one kid and

8:12

is a mature, responsible, functioning member

8:14

of society and she gave birth

8:16

to this boy and she was

8:18

the woman in his life. That

8:23

is totally being

8:25

taken over by you. It's

8:28

different with your father-in-law.

8:31

He's not giving up anything. Right.

8:33

But mommies taking care of

8:36

their children is forever.

8:38

When you have children you will understand

8:41

this. When you're 50 you will understand

8:43

this. So where

8:45

you see her as an intrusion she's just trying

8:47

to find a place to fit in. She's

8:49

just trying to have something that is meaningful,

8:52

important to her be a gift

8:56

from you. It would have

8:58

been a very small thing for

9:00

you to take that kid, make her an

9:02

extra bridesmaid and get an extra groomsman. It

9:05

would have been a gift. But

9:07

you young brides don't think about that.

9:10

You just mostly think about I'm the

9:12

princess for the day and everything's got

9:14

to be my way and that woman

9:16

is interfering in my life. That's his

9:19

mother. So

9:21

why don't you be gracious and

9:24

give her the gift of calling her up

9:26

and saying, change my mind, the kid's in.

9:28

We're going to have another groomsman. She

9:31

will feel like you give a damn about her

9:33

feelings, like she still matters to

9:35

the two of you. That his

9:37

getting married to you does not

9:39

mean she's totally tossed but she

9:41

has a place where you will consider

9:44

her feelings as we have the

9:46

turnover from one queen

9:48

to the next. Yeah,

9:53

I really appreciate that perspective. Thank

9:56

you. You're welcome and you are the

9:58

turning point for me writing the book. He.

10:02

Obviously has to be written as to,

10:04

specially since the feminist movement were women

10:06

have just gotten self centered egotistical. And

10:08

annoying in general. Much. Less.

10:11

At. Twenty Four. Looking. At

10:13

a wedding as. You. Disagree

10:15

with me or one something I don't want and

10:18

you're bad person. And. You're causing

10:20

me to stress. And

10:23

another can't talk to her son. Saying.

10:26

Hey. Your. Wife to

10:28

be is sort of. Not.

10:31

Communicating with me and sort of setting me up.

10:34

And you were. Because.

10:37

Nothing. She. Wanted.

10:40

Was. Have any interest to you. That's

10:47

not the way to begin a mother in law daughter in

10:49

law relationship. She's. Giving you

10:51

her boy. You.

10:56

Could give her a bridesmaid. Some.

11:09

Of you young ladies, forget that the

11:11

fifth commandment is to honor thy father

11:13

and my mother. Well, It applies

11:15

to inlaws as well. Being. Considerate

11:17

of their feelings is going to benefit you

11:19

and your marriage. So. Take.

11:23

A deep and understand that we all

11:25

have things we can learn from each

11:27

other. Maybe you could begin to think

11:29

outside the in law box and instead

11:31

treat her more like an older friend

11:33

or mentor. Even. When you're busy

11:35

being a wife, you could try to get

11:37

involved in something. Your new mother in law.

11:40

Gardening. Golf. Pick.

11:42

A ball. Would. Ever. Having

11:45

something and com and will give you more

11:47

to talk about during the holidays. Generally.

11:49

Speaking English, people have good relationships

11:52

with their inlaws. The divorce

11:54

rate goes down. Pay.

11:56

Attention to that. That's because

11:58

there's a lot less stress. and a lot

12:00

more support. So what's the first

12:03

step to having a good relationship with

12:05

your mother-in-law? Work on being less sensitive

12:07

to her suggestions. Then

12:09

consider what I suggested to Raquel

12:12

about stepping out of her comfort

12:14

zone and trying to make a

12:16

connection. Raquel,

12:20

welcome to the program. Hello.

12:23

Hello. Well, I

12:26

just have a question about my mother-in-law coming.

12:30

We last visit, we

12:34

seem to get along really well on

12:36

the outside and everything, but my husband

12:38

has been mentioning more frequently about how

12:40

she's saying that I'm very hard to

12:43

get along with, that I'm not discreet

12:45

and not liking her. And

12:48

so this last time that she was here, I was, I'm

12:51

always very kind and nice. Okay.

12:54

You know what? She's either

12:56

a nutcase or you're not

12:58

that sweet and kind. So

13:01

why don't, what

13:04

is it about her that you resent? Well,

13:07

this last time she was here. No, I

13:09

didn't ask about the last time she was

13:11

here. I specifically said, what about her do

13:13

you resent? That was my question. Well,

13:16

she told me that I

13:18

do not do enough. I didn't ask you

13:20

about last time. That's what I resent that

13:22

she tells me so much of what to

13:24

do. Um, that

13:26

she, how old are you? How

13:29

old is she? How old are you? Okay. How old is

13:31

she? 56,

13:34

I believe. That's almost 30 years of

13:36

life experience that

13:38

you could benefit from. So if he has an opinion, listen

13:40

to her out and then say, I'll think about it. Yes,

13:43

I did. Good. Oh, in

13:46

general, it's

13:48

not offensive for her to have

13:50

an idea. A recommendation suggestion or

13:53

advice. It's not a horrible thing.

13:56

It Doesn't imply that you're incompetent,

13:58

irrelevant or immaterial.. Okay,

14:01

Just implies that she has ideas

14:03

because she's lived longer. Yes,

14:06

and that's that's perfectly fine. I told her

14:08

like she is picking up. On

14:11

the fact that you don't like her. Of

14:14

why really I hadn't hadn't Really

14:16

Any property is picking up. On.

14:19

It. Will. Take. So.

14:22

With my husband and saying that all this

14:24

and bringing it up can hear. really good

14:27

idea to do. You need to go out

14:29

for a walk with her next time she

14:31

comes over. And say look. One.

14:34

Of the hardest relationships on the face to

14:36

the earth to establish is a mother in

14:39

law, daughter in law relationship. Because.

14:41

We're both in love with the same guy. Scissors.

14:44

And you had to give him up to me. And

14:46

it hurts to give anybody up much less. You.

14:49

Baby. I'm

14:51

a little. Intimidated. Because.

14:53

You are the mother. Who.

14:56

Is. Very hard. It's easy for father in law's

14:59

and daughter in law's You know there's no

15:01

competition. We're competing. And

15:04

I want to enjoy you. And I

15:07

want you to enjoy me. So.

15:10

Let's just be a little more open and

15:12

comfortable with each other. That would be

15:14

a great thing for you to do on a nice

15:16

walk with her. That. Sounds like

15:18

a good idea simply because it is the

15:21

most if there is name a relationship you

15:23

think is more difficult than that one. I

15:26

hurt. My husband and my mom

15:28

says that know it isn't. My

15:31

husband and a mother in law is

15:33

not nearly as hard as the daughter

15:35

in law and the mother in law.

15:39

Because men by and large. And

15:41

give a shit. Hole.

15:46

It. Really doesn't keep him up needs. About.

15:50

Your mom. But. It'll keep a woman

15:52

up nights about a mother in law. Yeah.

15:55

So. It. Is the most

15:57

difficult relationship because. One.

16:01

Woman has to give up the man,

16:03

the other one. With. Insecurities

16:05

because she knows she's younger.

16:07

Cetera, Et cetera, It's.

16:10

Very competitive. Them.

16:13

It's Very. It's very tender on both

16:15

sides. She. Needs to know that

16:17

she still has a place in his life

16:19

that you have ingested eject button and you

16:22

need to know. That. You are

16:24

respected as the British. Them.

16:28

Even. Though you're less than you know your

16:30

third rate case. So. It's.

16:33

It's. A tough one. And. Requires a lot

16:35

of. Talking. Sweetly and gently to each

16:37

other. And not through your.

16:41

Husband. Said tell your husband to keep out of the middle of

16:43

it. The and lot that

16:45

on I have told her please talk to

16:47

me in and not my hesitant but yes

16:50

could tell your husband not to convey anything.

16:52

But to tell his mom talk to her? Because.

16:57

Anything he conveys. Is. Not going

16:59

to come across the same way it

17:01

happened. A society that so you know

17:03

remains to be more aggravating. Just go

17:05

for a walk with her. She will

17:07

actually appreciate that. says.

17:10

Even I. My.

17:12

Son married to the most wonderful girl in the universe.

17:14

except for you of course. Even

17:18

we had to have these stocks because

17:20

we had to figure out how we've.

17:22

Had a puzzle pieces fit together. That.

17:26

Shows of and I better just just

17:28

before she. Know. That a year

17:30

and a half before they married. There.

17:33

Was a little misunderstanding. And

17:36

She said. He. Told you that. That

17:38

was something minor. Actually, it was an intimate

17:40

or anything and I said oh yeah, I'm

17:43

a mom. And

17:45

that we both looked at that moment and

17:47

realized. This. Is awkward? So

17:51

that's why it requires. Conversation.

17:54

Between the two of us constantly and

17:56

now were very comfortable. And

17:59

he doesn't get in. The learn a thing because he knows

18:01

two women are going to lean on him hard. It's

18:05

really healthy when the mother in law and and the daughter

18:07

in law gang up on a has been that more fun.

18:11

And he knows and he knows All is

18:13

good and the hood. Because if I'm your

18:15

mother in law and you and I can

18:17

play him together, that means we have become.

18:20

We have to continue teaching. Her:

18:23

You want to get to that point. Where.

18:27

Be good where you're both sitting there raising

18:29

him. Stay

18:32

there. And he had the have

18:34

a sense of what I'm getting

18:36

to hear. Yes, yeah, but it requires

18:39

conversation. Because. It doesn't matter who

18:41

the woman is and who the new wife

18:43

is, You gotta talk. Will.

18:47

Show. I'll complaining. Don't complain about anything she

18:49

said. Don't bring up anything that happened in

18:51

the past just to say this is an

18:53

awkward situation because you're his mom, I'm his

18:56

wife. We both have to figure out how

18:58

we sit with each other, how we sit

19:00

with them and we've I wanted to be

19:02

wonderful. I wanted to be so comfortable. And.

19:04

She'll say oh, I want the same thing. That

19:10

serve. As she does,

19:12

we all do. says.

19:16

Okay, well thank you so much for the advice

19:18

that. That's. Really helpful. Okay,

19:20

good, thank you. Thank. You

19:22

for a hearing It. In

19:25

the. Okay,

19:29

All. You women out there. Who.

19:32

Just got married. Some.

19:35

Day you're going to be a mother in law. Contemplate.

19:38

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23:00

What I

23:02

want to share with you today is that

23:04

there are sensitivities on both sides,

23:13

which is why there can be

23:15

so much trouble between mother

23:17

and daughter. Instead

23:19

of retreating to your respective

23:22

corners, your relationship should benefit

23:24

from approaching each other with

23:27

compassion, with some straightforward

23:29

communication, with taking steps to

23:31

build a connection. And as

23:33

I discussed with Ann when

23:35

she called, by demonstrating

23:37

through actions that you

23:39

actually care about being

23:41

in each other's lives. And

23:47

welcome to the program. Hi,

23:49

Dr. Lola. Hi.

23:52

I am second generation listener.

23:55

My mom, I grew

23:58

up listening to her. Looking.

24:01

At you and yeah, didn't advice and all that

24:03

kind of stuff. Unless you're

24:05

show and. On. And.

24:07

I also played the a board

24:09

game and everything my messages in

24:11

my life on. You are fans

24:13

Anyway, I'm I have a sort

24:15

of a mother a mob. Situation

24:18

going on an. Or

24:21

know they're not enough time to just

24:23

be a good point out the details.

24:25

That so. Why has been either married

24:27

for eight years. We just had our daughter six months

24:30

ago. And his his

24:32

mom and I are just

24:34

complete opposite people and. We.

24:36

We get along, but. He.

24:38

Was nothing sound out my mom so I target like

24:41

when we go that they did I can to do

24:43

with my mom more. And she

24:45

takes that very personally an. Arm

24:48

so that require like I tested the the

24:50

sort of all this but so she. Needed

24:53

moved out here to Washington. And.

24:56

A. Few months ago she she booked it's a

24:58

trip. To. Come and visit us and to

25:01

see our our, our, our daughter and everything. And.

25:04

He. He. Doesn't

25:06

really a little bit of anxiety to she's a

25:09

little bit hard to be around on. It

25:11

because you very quiet and yeah I just

25:13

i can't always seemed like read her. And.

25:17

So. N n since she looks

25:19

her trip she was calling every

25:21

so often so they'll say how

25:24

excited used to or come out

25:26

further amplifying my dislike anxiety about

25:28

it. And so can you

25:30

just take a chill pill and start

25:32

making something out of nothing in life?

25:34

You. Woman: Is quite a

25:36

few readers. She's coffin of her own. Don't come

25:38

visit soon like she's trying. Can you loosen up

25:41

a little bit and just try to get along.

25:44

Yeah please, Yeah, and you're You're the

25:46

one making the new state. If

25:48

you. Yeah.

25:52

Yeah. Come on, it's you making the news

25:54

tied with to stop it with the anxiety and have

25:56

an anxiety and have any desire to come on. The

25:59

reasoning. anxiety. She's a human being, you

26:01

married about

26:04

her. Is nothing abnormal here?

26:06

No, no. And

26:09

I thought I was actually doing the S-P-O-P

26:12

with anxiety. Stop even

26:15

saying the word. Just

26:19

start thinking of ways to be nice to

26:21

her. Start thinking of ways to make her

26:23

visit wonderful for her. Start thinking of the

26:25

things she likes to do and set

26:27

some of those up whether you like to do them or not.

26:30

Try focusing in on making it a wonderful

26:32

trip for her, something she'll remember for the

26:34

rest of her life in which she goes

26:37

back home and tells everybody her daughter-in-law is

26:39

a saint. In

26:43

other words, stop thinking of yourself. Yeah.

26:47

Yeah. Amazing

26:50

how well it goes when we stop thinking of

26:52

ourselves. It was

26:54

a lot better. Trust me. Well,

27:00

I think I messed something up

27:02

that I don't know how to fix. What's

27:04

broken and needs fixing?

27:08

Just tell me what that is quickly. Tell me what

27:11

that is quickly. I

27:13

called her to express some of

27:15

my like anxieties just so she's

27:18

aware because I think, you know.

27:20

Oh my God. How destructive can

27:22

one person be when there's

27:24

absolutely no need? Let

27:27

me figure out how to fix this. Let me. Shh.

27:32

I can't believe you did

27:34

that. I'm very sad. I know.

27:38

Call her back and say, you know, I was

27:40

just having PMS and being an idiot. I'm looking

27:42

forward to you, P-Man. And

27:44

I got some really fabulous things

27:46

planned that I know you like and

27:49

I'm going to keep them as a surprise. But I'm really

27:51

excited you're feeling because I believe that this is going to

27:53

be a great bonding experience for

27:55

us and it's just going to be wonderful. Why don't you

27:57

call her up and say that. You're

28:01

there with i call it isn't of trying to

28:04

sterilise the dog thing. Do what I'm telling you

28:06

to do. I. Guess specific directions

28:08

follow them to the T. It'll

28:10

all be swell. Hundred. Of

28:14

them. The. Let's go through it again. I

28:16

am really forgive me for that. I am

28:19

the exists and all that. I was pms

28:21

ing and I've should know a stupid goal

28:23

like that. I'm so sorry. Actually, truth be

28:25

told, I am looking forward to visiting. I've

28:28

got some cool things planned that I know

28:30

you like to do and it'll be a

28:32

really. Great time for us to bond! Hey

28:38

now repeated back to make. Hi

28:42

I'm. Sorry for my.

28:45

Last. Call an obvious Deseret Pls

28:47

armed Alexey Little for to

28:50

your visit. At up

28:52

for frontal fire and. Hope.

28:54

That we didn't make it as the

28:56

trip. All. That sounds great

28:58

if you do just that. It.

29:00

Fixed. Or.

29:05

If. You do just that. It's.

29:09

Fix. Okay,

29:15

Okay, Just. Me: And

29:18

he did. I do our i didn't just hang

29:20

up and go do it now before you chicken

29:22

Oh. Okay, Okay,

29:29

He. Didn't just. Marry Your

29:31

husband. Married. Everything that came

29:33

before and if you saw behaviors

29:35

that you didn't like when you

29:37

were dating but married into the

29:39

family anyway he, It's not really

29:41

fair to get busy now that's

29:43

damaging to your marriage. Instead, you

29:45

could minimize contact. Be clever in

29:48

the ways you reply to the

29:50

snark, which is what I helped

29:52

Susan see. When. She called

29:54

about her rude. Mother. In

29:56

law. Susan,

30:00

welcome. Hi, thank you for

30:03

taking my call Dr. Laura. Sure. I

30:05

have a question. My

30:08

question is regarding my

30:10

mother-in-law. I've been married for

30:12

a year and... And

30:15

dated how long before that? We

30:18

dated for two years. Did

30:22

you live in the same town as his

30:24

parents? No, we lived six

30:26

hours away. So

30:30

I would come visit every other

30:32

weekend or he would go visit me.

30:34

But whenever

30:36

I would come visit, my mother-in-law just

30:39

always had a little

30:41

negative something to say. Either

30:44

whether or... Okay, so when you were dating him for

30:46

two years, she always had a little negative something to

30:48

say? Yes. Okay, stop.

30:50

So why am I hearing any complaints today? You still

30:53

chose to marry him? Yes,

30:55

yes. I... Which gave

30:57

you the obligation just to sort of get along? We

31:01

get along but... And ignore the little

31:03

negative things. No,

31:05

see the I got married anyway because

31:07

I thought is a death wish. Well,

31:13

can I put like an example of... Why?

31:16

Oh. You don't understand what I'm

31:18

trying to tell you. Every

31:21

other weekend he took you to see his parents is what you

31:23

just told me. Yes. So

31:26

his parents are very important to him. Every

31:29

weekend when you were there, she said something

31:31

you interpreted being hypersensitive young female as

31:34

negative. He still brought you

31:36

every other weekend. So his expectation is that you're going

31:38

to put up with it. Wow.

31:42

I didn't think about that. And you came

31:44

every other weekend which means you

31:47

agreed to put up with it. Since

31:50

he is so attached to his mother, if

31:52

you start making crap about this, you'll be

31:55

divorced at three years. Really? Yes.

31:58

Thank you. I

32:03

should just stop complaining. Yes. All

32:07

you're doing is ruining your marriage and turning them off to you. I

32:13

will stop complaining. Right. Your

32:16

complaining does nothing. It makes you a pain in the butt.

32:19

You knew what the story was. Bitching

32:21

at him is not going to make anything better. Having

32:24

a fight with her about it is not going to make

32:26

anything better. No, I've never

32:28

confronted her before. I

32:31

didn't say you did, did I? No,

32:33

you did. No. You

32:35

have to eat this because you agreed to it. As

32:37

far as I'm concerned, that's

32:39

the math. Every

32:43

other weekend for two years and then

32:45

you decided to marry him. See,

32:48

me, that would have happened three

32:50

or four times and I would have said, your mom

32:53

is a little bit nasty to me. You want to do something

32:55

about that? And he'd say, no, that's my mother. You'll

32:57

just have to accept it. And I would say, bye. But

33:03

you said, bring it on. I love you. Bring

33:05

it on. I'll do it again. I'll do

33:07

it again. I'll do it again. So

33:10

I don't want an example because there's nothing I can do

33:12

with it. It won't matter. Okay. Except

33:16

to tell you that she's probably not a very

33:18

nice person in general. And

33:22

so you let it roll off your back. Also

33:25

I would cleverly, if I were you, try to do

33:28

it. Try to figure out other things to do and minimize

33:32

contact in

33:35

a joyous, happy way. Say, oh,

33:37

you know, I planned for us a

33:39

trip to, I think

33:42

an hour away, we're going to be at a hotel and

33:44

we can get it on all night. Like we just met. And

33:49

he will probably turn down his mother for that. So

33:51

you're going to have to be clever. And

33:56

avoid contact with her. So minimize,

33:58

you can't. Okay,

34:01

minimize. I

34:04

won't do that. Now, since you

34:06

were agreeable, I'm open to

34:08

doing one more thing with you. Okay.

34:11

I'm going to give you one chance to give

34:13

me your best example. Has to

34:15

be the best example. So think, not

34:18

the latest, the best. And

34:21

then I will tell you how to handle these

34:23

from this point on without causing a problem. I

34:27

have the perfect one. Okay. It's the one

34:29

that hurt me the most. First of

34:31

all, you have to stop being hurt. Okay.

34:34

Okay. I will just stop it. I will.

34:37

Okay. Go ahead. Make believe you have a callus.

34:40

Okay. Very hard to hurt skin when there's a big callus

34:42

on it. That's true. I need

34:44

that. Okay. So give me your really, really

34:46

good example. So we were

34:49

at a party and she

34:52

had her friends and

34:55

I was, you know, we were at a

34:57

party, I don't know, 14 year olds. Oh,

34:59

come on. No, no, no. Her

35:01

friends. Her friends. And I

35:04

was just... Your mother-in-law had a party with

35:06

her friends and she invited her son and

35:08

the son's wife? No, no, no.

35:10

It was just all women. All

35:12

women. Her... Okay. If you make this that

35:14

hard for me, I'm

35:16

not going to hear it. I

35:19

want you to explain it so

35:22

that I don't have to ask you

35:24

clarification questions. Okay? Okay.

35:28

So my mother-in-law invited

35:31

me over for a

35:33

girl party. A girl party. And

35:36

one of her friends, which she

35:38

was very kind, she said she was telling

35:40

her how lucky she was to have me as

35:43

a daughter-in-law because I was beautiful

35:45

and this and that. And so that made me feel

35:47

good because... And then... So

35:50

then my mother-in-law interrupted and said, she's

35:53

beautiful. She's fat. She's gained

35:56

so much weight. She's not

35:58

skinny anymore. And I didn't

36:01

say anything. I just sit quiet. now I

36:03

don't have ice. Should have made a stop

36:05

to where I never should have stood up

36:07

and said really gosh yeah looks like I

36:09

have gained a little weight. It's good that

36:12

Marry. Still, Finds me beautiful, so

36:14

does my husband, but I guess I put

36:16

on a long way. In

36:20

other words, you take the ball. And

36:22

reform. It. Okay,

36:26

If. You do anything but that. Her

36:29

husband will be mad at you. Want

36:32

to keep him or know. He asked, course

36:35

you sure don't say of course. I.

36:37

Do I do? A man who never defends his woman

36:39

against his mother is not much of a man. And.

36:43

A You mean to tell me that he's never heard any

36:45

these things. Is hard hitting

36:47

now. She's always nice to me around

36:49

him. And

36:52

he wants to. Tell. Her something

36:54

but I don't let him know. I don't know if I'm

36:56

doing know I want you to hit. He knows damn well

36:58

his mother's a bitch. Which.

37:01

Is why he goes every other weekend. To

37:04

seed the bit. What

37:08

you're going to do is each time she does that

37:10

just going take it was good humor and run with

37:13

it. All the women would have thought you were wonderful.

37:16

For. Doing that. Yeah. I guess again

37:18

a few pounds. Boy I'm glad you still

37:20

see me as beautiful and so does my

37:22

husband with a big grin! Yeah.

37:26

I guess I could stand to lose a pound or

37:28

two. You're right, It's gonna

37:31

look like an idiot to everybody and you

37:33

will not have said anything evil to give

37:35

me another example so I can give you

37:37

another example. Of

37:39

hey I'm I like to

37:41

dress. That see but

37:43

you a conservative never. Revealing.

37:46

Anything and show Make a comment

37:48

oh that skirt as to shore

37:50

all I can see your but

37:52

or I can see her cleavage

37:54

and it's really. Not.

37:56

okay and you turn around and say yeah

37:58

but that's a good but Yeah,

38:02

I got some cleavage when I was little. I thought I

38:04

wouldn't have any. I got some good cleavage going here. You're

38:06

right. You

38:08

take exactly what she said and make it a

38:10

good thing. Okay,

38:13

because usually I just- I don't want to hear

38:15

because usually you've just been a weak idiot. So

38:17

we're going to stop that. You

38:19

are now going to be clever. Okay.

38:25

I will do that. You're going

38:27

to immediately come back with a grin

38:29

on your face and make it positive.

38:31

Yeah, I got a good butt. Your

38:34

son loves my butt. He

38:36

loves my butt and he loves my cleavage, so I'm good to

38:38

go. Okay.

38:43

I will do that in our color. Isn't that going to be fun? Yes,

38:46

it's going to be fun. Yes. Don't

38:48

take it personally. She's just a bitch. Okay.

38:52

People who do things like that, they're bitches. If they're

38:54

males, they're bastards. There are a lot of bitches and

38:56

bastards in the world. That's the

38:59

world. There are also people who blow up people.

39:02

That's the world. You have to

39:04

learn to deal with it. And

39:07

bitching to your husband, he knows his mother's a

39:09

bitch. He doesn't want to deal with it either.

39:12

But this every other weekend stuff and stop- you

39:15

know, you can start turning down invitations, you know,

39:17

for girl time. What the

39:19

hell are you spending so much time with a bitch for?

39:23

I guess I'm trying to win her

39:25

over. Stop. You're not going to win

39:27

her over. You cannot win over a bitch. Okay. So,

39:30

stop it. You'll be polite. She

39:33

calls and says we're having a girl- oh gosh, I had

39:35

something else planned. You know, invite me

39:37

next time. Have a great time. Bye. And

39:40

don't even tell your husband about it. Just

39:43

turn it down. Yeah. I

39:47

will do that, Dr. Laura. Yes. And

39:50

from now on, just turn your loveliness

39:53

on your husband and leave her to

39:56

swallow her own venom. Mm-hmm.

39:59

Okay. Okay, let's sip on

40:01

her own venom tea. Just

40:05

about everything in life is handled better

40:08

with a sense of humor and everything's

40:10

a little worse when

40:12

your approach is to be prickly and hostile.

40:15

Just because your mother-in-law gives an opinion

40:17

doesn't mean she's trying to show you

40:19

that you're wrong or that she

40:22

perceives you in a negative way. It's just

40:24

an opinion. You could simply listen

40:26

and say, hmm, that's interesting.

40:28

I'm going to give that some thought. Just

40:31

smile, maybe hug, walk away. That's

40:33

all she wants. Listening gives

40:35

you more points than arguing and also

40:37

more peace, which is what

40:39

I told Karen when she called with

40:41

her husband to complain about his mother. Dave

40:47

and Karen, welcome to the program. Hi,

40:50

Dr. Lauren. Hello. Hi,

40:52

Karen. Hi, Dave. We

40:55

love your stories. I've been listening to

40:57

you for years and years, like 25. Thank you. Just

41:01

wanted to let you know that we are a

41:03

happily married couple, 19 years. We didn't live

41:06

together before we got married. We did what

41:08

you said. We did adopt a

41:10

child that was like five

41:12

years into our marriage and that went well. We

41:14

have four children. We're lovers. We're

41:17

best friends. We laugh all the time. We

41:19

really enjoy each other, but I really don't

41:21

like my mother-in-law. I'm going to let my

41:23

husband take over from here. No,

41:26

you've got to explain to me why you don't

41:28

like your mother-in-law. She

41:31

doesn't respect me. She's on a stay-at-home mom.

41:34

She makes me feel like I'm a loser. Okay,

41:37

let's change the wording starting from the

41:40

top. Nobody can make me

41:42

feel anything. That's true. My

41:44

reaction is my responsibility. They can try to

41:46

make me feel bad, but

41:49

I can take the position that it's not impacting me

41:51

because I have a different set of values or thoughts

41:53

about the situation. Yeah,

41:56

I mean, I have a college degree and I

41:58

feel like she thinks she's a feminist. I

42:02

think he felt like I wasted my

42:04

I think she feels. Okay,

42:06

I know she does. It

42:09

all manner then further. Know.

42:12

What she alone. Apparently pure

42:14

profit. I

42:18

don't tell me how she specifically directly

42:20

mistreat you. Okay, give

42:23

me examples are Direct Miss

42:25

Tweet. Of the gosh my

42:27

mind the blank. Where do I began to so many. Put

42:31

it, read the air the thing in

42:33

the sense that in the past few

42:35

years back. Okay sweetheart, I just need

42:37

to finish up with Karen a moment.

42:40

Because I understand you have these are

42:43

two women with to. Diametrically.

42:45

Opposed views of the world. And

42:48

I just need to know and that has to

42:50

be able to exist. Without. People

42:52

not liking each other, Ashley and

42:54

a family because it's make takes

42:57

my family peace So I need

42:59

to know if she directly specifically

43:01

does. Bad. Things to you

43:03

and what they are. So. Lucky,

43:05

just take a moment and. Described

43:08

as all you've described is what you think

43:10

she feels. Can I give

43:12

you an example that happened. A few

43:14

years ago and my longer sex. And.

43:17

I'll is that my kids the first and I

43:19

knew I couldn't handle taken care of her. It's

43:21

a caravan for a month and my mother in

43:23

law got on my back about that. said you

43:26

should be taken care of her. The battery maybe

43:28

land is. It was none of a burglar. But.

43:31

You can't. Let. Me: Just say.

43:33

It's somebody has to be able to give their

43:36

opinion. Without. The Being Evil. Or

43:38

back. Burner.

43:41

So far I haven't heard her do anything but

43:43

give her opinion. Which. You

43:46

don't agree with. Probably.

43:48

I wouldn't agree with anything coming out of. Daves.

43:51

Mother's mouth either. Well.

43:53

I think because it's just. It's them like

43:55

I did one hundred correct Six years before

43:58

we got married. hearing

44:00

me I'm not talking about any of you.

44:05

I'm just saying the two of you are very

44:07

diametrically opposed in your world views. But

44:10

you seem to be taking somebody's

44:12

opinion as a personal

44:15

attack. That's only if you feel

44:19

conflicted inside yourself. If

44:22

you're kind of torn between taking care of your mom,

44:24

which you did for a whole month, I

44:27

was your mother, I wouldn't have let you do that if you had small kids.

44:30

But for a month and then go back to

44:32

your kids, you

44:35

probably felt conflicted in what your responsibilities

44:37

were. So when she gave her strong

44:39

opinion, you took that

44:41

as an attack. You

44:44

have to be able to let that woman give

44:46

her strong opinions and

44:48

not take the position that you're

44:50

attacked. So

44:53

at that point could have said, you know what? Why

44:56

truthfully, it's a tough thing going on in

44:58

my head. I want to take care of my mom, I want

45:01

to take care of my kids. I can't do both at

45:03

the same time. So I took

45:05

care of my mom for the time I could. Now I'm taking

45:07

care of my kids. And thank you for

45:10

your opinion. And so

45:12

with your strength, you

45:15

told the truth, which made

45:18

you vulnerable even, which is wonderful. Because

45:21

a lot of times people think making themselves vulnerable

45:23

and moment like that is to make themselves

45:25

weak. But responding as though you're

45:27

a victim is the way to

45:30

present yourself as weak. As

45:34

opposed to answering it. That's your opinion.

45:38

I guess you're expecting your son sometimes

45:40

in the future to abandon us and take

45:42

care of you. But

45:44

right now, that was my decision. My

45:47

mom and I are at peace with it. Thanks for

45:49

your input. Have a nice day. That's

45:51

strength. Do you think she'd come after you again?

45:54

No. No. If

45:56

you stand up to her without

45:59

attacking her. You

46:02

beat her. You

46:04

win the moment. You win the moment. I

46:09

expect my husband to do

46:11

it. No, no, no. It's

46:14

your job and somebody says something to you, you're a

46:16

big girl. Okay. You

46:20

can't change his

46:22

mother. He grew

46:25

up with that. I think I'm

46:28

... She's putting in daycare. Okay.

46:31

I guess I'm not making my point. You

46:34

are insecure in every decision you've ever made

46:36

on the face of the earth. So when

46:38

a strong woman says

46:40

something contrary to what you're doing, you

46:43

go into hurt mode. I

46:45

know. I can't do that. That's the truth. That's

46:48

the truth. You

46:52

have to take a side. I have to

46:54

take a side and quit being wishy-washy and

46:56

wimpy and victim. Yes.

47:00

That's my girl. Okay. Because

47:03

I know what I'm doing is the right thing. Then

47:07

that's what you should say to her. Really

47:09

don't need your lip anymore about it. I

47:11

know what I'm doing is the right thing.

47:13

And you have to understand, women who abandoned

47:15

and neglected their children and daycare nannies and

47:17

babysitters hate stayed-home moms

47:19

with a venomous

47:22

hate because

47:24

you're pointing out that they were wrong. Their

47:29

guilt makes them be mean. My husband's

47:33

proof that those children are not close

47:35

to their mothers when they grow up.

47:37

I'm trying

47:40

to talk about you and your mother-in-law.

47:43

I know. Going back to my husband. She,

47:46

like all those feminists

47:48

with the nannies, daycares and babysitters

47:50

know they were self-centered and did wrong, that

47:52

they abandoned and neglected their kids, which

47:55

is why they are venomous. And

47:59

the other stupid thing they pull out is, it's

48:02

my choice. Yeah,

48:05

but it isn't the kids. This

48:07

isn't your husband's battle. You're

48:09

up to this yourself. Oh. All

48:13

right, I'm going to take a brief break now, so

48:15

you can sit and think about how you

48:18

can make the relationship between you

48:22

and your mother-in-law sweet. I

48:26

bet you could come up with two ideas during this break. OK,

48:28

let's do it. Another

48:30

rematch. Deep Dive. I'm in.

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50:32

Deep Dive. Dr. Laura

50:35

Deep Dive. Dr.

50:37

Laura Deep Dive podcast. If

50:41

you want to make things better, you've got to get

50:43

a better perspective. In my

50:45

caller Heather's case, that meant

50:48

taking into account our mother-in-law's

50:50

situation and trying to show

50:52

compassion for the things she's going through.

50:55

Here's how our conversation went. Heather,

51:01

welcome to the program. Hi Dr.

51:03

Laura, how are you today? Good. What's

51:05

up? Good. I

51:07

was just listening to you and your daughter-in-law talk

51:09

and it got me

51:11

thinking about my mother-in-law and I's relationship because

51:14

we used to be really close and now

51:16

we're not and I want to figure out

51:18

how best to mend that relationship.

51:20

You got to tell me who stuck a stake

51:22

in the heart of it. Honestly,

51:29

I hate to say this. I need you

51:31

to be honestly, yeah. My

51:33

sister-in-law and her new baby. How

51:36

did your sister-in-law and a new baby put

51:39

a stake in the heart of your relationship with your

51:41

mother-in-law? How did they have the power to do that?

51:45

Because my mother-in-law told us very

51:47

clearly when grandchildren were starting to

51:49

be born in the family that she was

51:51

not going to be the parent to raise

51:53

them. And my sister-in-law

51:56

took advantage of her and that is

51:58

what I wanted to do. what

52:00

mother-in-law did, she's raising this kid

52:02

essentially. Why did

52:04

that have to put a stake in your relationship with

52:06

your mother-in-law? I

52:10

think that maybe she felt like she was

52:12

too busy for my son, my

52:14

husband and I. No, no, no. Maybe you

52:16

criticized it. My

52:19

husband did, yes. You

52:22

didn't. You were a sweet Lisa. I,

52:24

I, You said I'll come over

52:26

with the kids and help you take

52:28

care of the kids. I

52:30

didn't say I would come over and take care of the kids

52:32

because I was busy raising my own child as well. No,

52:35

you didn't listen to the whole sentence. I said,

52:37

you'd come over with your kids, hang

52:40

out together. You said you'd do

52:42

that and bring blueberry muffins. Well,

52:44

that's how you, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. A

52:47

lot of times people call me and they have really no

52:50

intent at all on making anything better. I

52:53

would say at least 50% of the time people

52:56

really don't have that intent. If

52:58

you really have the intent to make it better, that

53:02

woman has a big heart or

53:04

a weak spine, but she got into

53:06

a situation that she thought was the best thing

53:08

to do for the grandchild. So

53:12

at that point, if you want to maintain a

53:14

good relationship with her, you realize she got jammed

53:16

up. Okay. And you bring

53:19

your kids over with blueberry muffins and

53:21

you hang with her. Okay. You take all

53:23

the kids to the mall or the park or

53:26

something together. Okay.

53:28

I guarantee you. Oh,

53:32

fix it. Guarantee you.

53:35

But she got attacked instead. It's

53:39

not often that I get a follow-up

53:41

call from a listener that is as

53:43

good as the one I received from

53:46

Heather. She took my advice and was

53:48

really happy to report the results. Heather,

53:53

welcome to the program. Hi,

53:55

Dr. Laura. I hope you're doing good today. Yes,

53:58

thank you. What's up? I

54:00

spoke with you on Friday about my mother-in-law and

54:02

I and this weekend I

54:04

went to her with cookies for the kids

54:07

to play and I told

54:09

her oh Yes,

54:11

I remember I remember I remember She

54:14

was taking care of her other daughter's kids

54:16

and you felt left out But she wasn't

54:19

spending time with your kids and I said

54:21

buy some cookies She's trapped

54:23

taking care of those kids you go over there

54:25

and so tell me what happened. Tell me what

54:27

happened Well, I went over there and I just

54:29

thought I said I'm sorry and

54:32

I told her I'm sorry that I didn't reach

54:34

out to her and I got

54:36

offended by it and that I was

54:38

sorry and She

54:41

was appreciative

54:44

of that See

54:46

I told you So

54:49

you always have the right answer Well

54:52

a lot of the time. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's

54:54

great. And how did you feel afterwards? How did

54:56

you? I feel good.

54:58

I I just hope that we continue on

55:00

this track and things do stay better Good

55:04

and that we get closer Well,

55:06

it's gonna take time because she's pretty stressed out

55:09

with these other kids. Yeah,

55:11

I mean it's it's one little girl and

55:14

I have to look that I was fortunate enough

55:16

to do

55:18

things the right way in my life and that

55:21

I'm thankful that I have a family support

55:23

system here where I'd live and That

55:26

she's doing what she needs to do for her daughter

55:28

And I would hope that if I were in the

55:30

same situation, my mom would do it for me Okay,

55:32

good. I like your attitude Like

55:35

your attitude. All right, sweetheart. Thanks for

55:37

calling me back. You're welcome. Have a

55:39

great day too Oh

55:42

and to you You

55:45

may have done some stupid things

55:47

like letting your feelings fester instead

55:50

of speaking honestly calmly Kindly

55:52

to your mother-in-law overreacting

55:54

to her suggestions letting your insecurities

55:57

get the best of you are

55:59

failing to build any real connection.

56:02

We've all that in the past. Work

56:04

to turn your relationship around because

56:07

it is a beautiful thing when

56:09

parents, their adult children and

56:12

their children's spouses get along. If

56:14

your husband really likes his mom and

56:16

I'm not talking about his momma's boy,

56:18

then that's probably why he's good to

56:21

you. She taught him well. So

56:23

keep that in mind whenever you're tempted

56:25

to turn negative. I

56:28

got a message on my Dr. Laura Program

56:30

Facebook page from a listener named Anna who

56:32

shared the sweet sentiment that she had

56:35

embroidered onto a handkerchief as a gift

56:37

for her mother-in-law. It

56:40

said, you raised with

56:42

love this man with whom

56:44

I will spend my life. He

56:47

is proud to be your son and

56:49

I am blessed to be his wife. That

56:54

chokes you up, chokes me up. Hmm,

56:59

maybe you haven't gone

57:01

out of your way to

57:03

do something thoughtful like that for

57:06

your mother-in-law. Put your family

57:08

name and it's not too

57:10

late. I'm here to help

57:12

if you need someone to talk to. Call

57:15

me at 1-800-DR. LAURA or make

57:17

an appointment to speak with me on air at

57:20

Dr. laura.com. Now go

57:22

do the right thing. If

57:25

you like this podcast, be sure to rate

57:27

it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place

57:29

to listen to my podcast. Of

57:32

course, I'd love if you gave

57:34

me and be sure to share

57:36

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57:38

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57:40

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58:13

Go spread the word. When you get

58:15

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58:17

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58:20

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58:22

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58:24

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