0:00

This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor

0:04

Wendy wallsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor

0:09

Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.

0:14

Okay, Yes, there's all this foundational stuff about psychology psychobabble, if you

0:19

will, that has been injected into our language, and we've been using it

0:22

and not even realizing that it's you know, there's some science behind it,

0:26

and it makes a lot of sense. But there's also what I call the

0:30

new psychobabble, stuff that people misuse all the time. They're just throwing around

0:37

these terms. Some of it is from the science of psychology, and some

0:41

of it is just you know, stuff from our you know, our colloquialisms,

0:45

if you will. But I want to go through some of the stuff

0:48

that I think many people get wrong. Okay, first of all, I

0:55

want to start to erase the term gas lighting. People need to stop using

0:58

the term gas lighting. If you don't know the term. It actually refers

1:02

to a movie from the nineteen forties where some husband tries to make his wife

1:07

feel absolutely crazy by challenging all her thoughts and feelings because he's, you know,

1:12

trying to steal her money or whatever. I can't remember the whole story.

1:15

But what happens is we are using it anytime somebody just disagrees with us.

1:25

You know, it's okay for two people to have different opinions and for

1:29

them to even debate it in a very animated way, but to say things

1:33

like, don't gaslight me, don't gaslight me, you're just gaslighting me,

1:38

okay. Gaslighting is when they literally lie to you and trick you and make

1:44

you question your own feelings and thoughts. But if they're just disagreeing with you,

1:49

if they're just you know, debating with you, that's just a normal

1:55

misunderstanding in a relationship. So giving somebody a label as a gaslight really isn't

2:00

fair, you know. On the same lines, here's another one. You

2:05

guys use a lot. I'm so sick of hearing it out there in the world. Triggered. Don't trigger me. Oh, I can't talk to him

2:13

because he triggers me. All right. So what a trigger is in the

2:17

psychological sense is something that really sets off a super strong emotional reaction and Sadly,

2:25

it's often related to past trauma or really distressing experiences, and often from

2:32

our early childhood. I mean, what happens when a real trigger happens is

2:38

it's like a mini version of post traumatic stress disorder. You're taken out of

2:43

the present moment, You're transported back to that moment in the past, and

2:46

you end up reacting as if you're with that you know, bad person who

2:51

hurt you the first time around, Right, So, you know, because

2:58

you don't like what somebody said and you're having a little bit of an emotional

3:00

reaction to it, does that mean you're triggered? Also, when people use

3:07

the word trigger, they're implying that the person is deliberately trying to quote unquote

3:13

make them feel some way. Nobody can make you feel anyway. You're responsible

3:17

for your feelings. Your feelings come from you. You've invented your feelings.

3:22

They might be related to your past you're present, but they're all yours, own them. They are your feelings. Nobody can make you feel a certain

3:29

way. Nobody can trigger you. So let's let's get rid of this term.

3:35

I hate it. You might say something like I'm sorry, I didn't

3:38

mean to upset you instead of I didn't mean to trigger you. Really,

3:45

all right, here's another one I hear all the time. Trauma, trauma,

3:50

trauma, trauma, trauma, trauma, trauma. If you go on

3:53

TikTok and you just hashtag the word trauma, trauma, bonding, trauma,

3:57

this trauma that you will go down a rabbits hole of a million people using

4:00

the term the wrong way. Okay, what is trauma? Real trauma is

4:06

deeply distressing, disturbing experience that literally overwhelms, overwhelms somebody, makes them unable

4:15

to cope. It may have involved harm, threat, potential death right,

4:23

it can create long lasting emotional psychological personality changes. Real trauma. So real

4:32

trauma includes, you know, childhood sexual abuse, childhood physical abuse, extreme

4:38

emotional abuse in a child, but using the term trauma bonding is often used

4:46

inaccurately. So a true trauma bond is when somebody who has endured extreme trauma

4:54

as a child and then they meet someone in their adult romantic life who reminds

5:01

them is familiar to them of maybe the person who hurt them when they were

5:08

young might have been an abusive parent, right, And so they develop feelings

5:14

of attraction and arousal around the fact that their model of love from childhood is

5:20

that love must also come with pain. Right, that would be a true

5:28

trauma bond. But if you're just dating somebody who's a bit emotionally avoidant and

5:32

doesn't return your text on time and it gets you all upset, it's not

5:36

a trauma bond. A real trauma bond are people that can't separate from each

5:42

other and they're hurting each other badly. Right, Okay, The internet is

5:46

also full of my other least favorite overused term, narcissist. Look, a

5:51

true narcissistic personality disorder is a full on diagnosis. Yes, it may make

5:58

up about two percent or some stuff, say four percent of the population.

6:01

It's where people have a grandiose illusion of themselves. They tend to be pretty

6:05

good at manipulating others. They might be a little sociopathic, but the underbelly

6:11

of true narcissism is actually a sense of loathing, deep loathing that they don't

6:15

want anyone to see the authentic part of themselves, so they learn to behave

6:20

in a very charming way to attract people. But you know what, we

6:26

use the term narcissists sometimes just describe somebody who's assertive or confident, or even

6:30

demanding, or maybe somebody who's just disliked. I don't know. But they're

6:33

not all narcissists, and they don't get a narcissistic personality disorder just because they're

6:41

strong and confident and maybe a little boastful. That's not a true narcissist.

6:46

A true narcissist can be very manipulative and very very hurtful, and they're not

6:51

as common, not as common as you think. All right, And the

6:57

final overused psychobabbl term in our culture right now is boundaries. Now, I

7:02

use boundaries a lot because I'm trying to explain what boundaries really are. People

7:09

have this crazy idea that boundaries are about trying to get somebody else to behave

7:14

in a certain way. I'm going to put a boundary on you, right,

7:17

That is not what a boundary is. A boundary is putting a safe

7:20

little fence around yourself so that people can't get to you, and if they

7:25

do, being very clear about your reaction. So a boundary doesn't even have

7:30

to be expressed to anybody. Let's say you have a friend, and when

7:34

you're out with this friend, your friend is kind of negative or boastful or

7:40

puts you down and you don't like the feeling you have when you're with them.

7:44

But you notice that when there's a lot of other people around with this friend, that they don't behave that way only when they're alone with you.

7:49

So a secret boundary you can hold is to protect yourself that you won't go

7:54

alone with them. So when they call you and say, hey, you

7:57

want to grab lunch, you can go. No, but I'll see you

8:00

party next week. Okay, that's a boundary. That's a boundary. Setting

8:05

a boundary is not about telling somebody if you don't do this, then are

8:11

If you do this, then I'll do that. I mean, you have to think about the logical consequence in your head. You have to know what

8:18

you're going to do in reaction to their behavior. But it's not about manipulation.

8:24

It's not about trying to get somebody to do something. It's about you

8:30

changing your reaction to them. There's a big difference there that I want everyone

8:37

to understand. All Right, when we come back, I am going to

8:41

my social media Instagram, TikTok YouTube, wherever producer Kayla's been scrolling through while

8:46

We've been on the show, and I am going to be taking your calls.

8:48

Reminder, I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist,

8:52

I'm a professor, but I've written three books on relationships and did a dissertation dissertation I'll get it out, a dissertation on attachment theory. And I

9:00

love to weigh in on your love life. So give me an opportunity to do that when we come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show

9:05

and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're

9:11

listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back

9:18

to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and k I AM six forty, Live everywhere

9:22

on the iHeartRadio App. I promise you I would be going to my social

9:24

media for some reason. I mean, I love to take your calls.

9:26

It's always great, but you guys sometimes are far more intimate on the social

9:33

media. So reminder, everybody, My social media is at doctor Wendy Walsh

9:37

at d R Wendy Walsh, and you can send me a DM. The

9:41

only other person who reads them is producer Kayla because she screens through them and

9:46

helps me out and wherever you leave them Instagram TikTok. I don't know how

9:50

long that's going to be around. And a reminder, I'm not a therapist.

9:54

I'm a psychology professor. I've written three books on relationships, and i

9:56

have a lot of life experience that I'm happy to shire with you. Uh

10:01

okay, So right away, dear doctor Wendy, how do you answer the

10:05

question what do you bring to the table? I find it offensive and I'm

10:11

not sure why. Well, I'll tell you why you find it offensive,

10:15

because now we do know that every relationship is an exchange of care. That

10:18

care can take many forms. It can be financial care, it can be

10:22

emotional care, intellectual care, domestic responsibility care, sexual care, all kinds

10:26

of care. But the union of two people actually can create so much more

10:31

in the world than any individual can do alone. And so while somebody should

10:35

be thinking in the back of their head, huh, I wonder what my

10:39

date could bring to the table. Here, I wonder how my date could

10:41

make my life better. And I'm talking about people of all genders, all

10:46

sexual orientations here. That is what we're thinking in the back of our head,

10:50

but you don't say it out loud. What do you bring to the

10:54

table? Well, your answer, of course, should be, well,

10:58

what do you bring to the table? Let's start with you. That's what

11:01

your answer should be. They need to learn to keep that thought to themselves.

11:05

That's what I say. Okay, moving along, Dear doctor Wendy.

11:09

I've been dating this guy for about nine months, and I waited to get

11:11

physical because the longer you wait, the longer the relationship lasts well, according

11:16

to research. That's what I wrote in my book The Thirty Day Love Detalks.

11:20

When it came time for us to have sex, he admitted that he

11:24

has a rectile dysfunction. He's had it for years. He's only twenty eight,

11:28

is a recovering alcoholic, and I think that this is how the issue

11:31

started. I'm very sexual. Sex is a huge part of a relationship for

11:35

me. I wish he'd told me sooner. What can I do? Okay,

11:41

So what I'm hearing here is that you like this guy. You got

11:46

to the stage, you waited nine months. You built emotional intimacy, so

11:50

he's able to actually tell you what's going on with his body. And now

11:54

you're like, well, you should have just told me earlier, because that's

11:56

a deal breaker for me. Now you you're the one who's being a little

12:01

superficial. Hey, you waited because you didn't want a guy to use you

12:05

for sex, you didn't want him to objectify you. And now you have

12:09

a real, honest to goodness, authentic person. So the answer is why

12:16

not say to him, Hey, we're a team, babe. Let's work

12:20

through this together. Let's find out what you need to do to overcome it.

12:24

I don't know what kind of treatment he's receiving. There's so much treatment

12:26

for ED, but generally when it's in a younger man. I remember interviewing

12:31

this urologist one time who told me that it is often emotional when it's in

12:35

a younger man, and it's also a learned behavior. In other words,

12:39

they have a recteln dysfunction during one occasion, and then that causes anxiety that

12:43

they might have it again, and that anxiety is the thing that causes it

12:46

again, so it becomes this cycle. So there is you know, psychotherapy

12:50

to help people get through it. So anyway, I think if you've invested

12:54

nine months in somebody and now they're being honest with you. Why wouldn't you

12:58

just try to be on the team and help them out, That's what I'd

13:03

say. Okay, dear doctor Wendy, I was at my hookups house.

13:09

I'm sorry, that's just a funny phrase, my hookups house. I was

13:13

over o my hookups house. I think what you're saying is there's somebody who

13:18

I'm having a standalone sexual relationship with, and I went to their house.

13:24

By the way, there's no such thing as no strings attach sex. We

13:26

like to convince ourselves that it isn't, but there's a lot going on emotionally

13:31

that you're ignoring. Okay, back to you, I was at my hookups

13:33

house and he assured me that he isn't dealing with anyone else. We got

13:37

intimate, and then I wanted to get something out of his closet. Why

13:43

anyway, I found a love letter and he told me he keeps all of

13:46

his love letters. Aw isn't that sweet? He says he has stuff from

13:50

ten years ago. I'm uncomfortable with it all. Is this a good reason

13:54

to cut him off and our situationship? Okay, first of all, you're

13:58

not even having a relationship. You're calling him a hookup. You're calling it

14:01

a situationship, and now you're jealous that he's a romantic and that he holds

14:09

dear to his heart memories of close relationships. Okay, what is it?

14:15

Do you want to date him? Do you want to have a real, honest, intimate relationship with him, or do you just want a hookup?

14:22

Then? Why do you even care of the lovelairs? I think you care

14:24

because you like him, That's what I think. And asking him after you

14:28

just met him to get rid of his memories is not fair. It would

14:33

be like dating a parent and saying, hey, your kids are grown and

14:37

gone, don't keep their baby pictures anymore. You don't need them. There

14:39

are memories, They're part of who we are. Who cares? Everyone should

14:43

have a shoebox full of love letters? At least they received some. I

14:48

think that's sweet. Okay, on to the next one into my dms on

14:52

Instagram. Dear doctor Wendy, if you saw that your boyfriend of five months

15:00

had been saving naked pictures of women from Twitter on his phone, would you

15:03

consider this cheating? Not just looking at the pictures but saving them. He

15:09

doesn't message any of them, but he as an album in his phone labeled

15:13

guilty pleasure. I don't like it at all. Okay, you know why

15:18

you don't like it, because you're a chick. Let me tell you how

15:22

male sexual psychology works. It's just looking. Men are so visually wired,

15:31

and pictures of women are just a guilty pleasure. And I'm sorry he even

15:35

feels guilty about it. They're just photographs. You know what, when you

15:41

scroll through YouTube at those cute cat videos. I like to scroll through Instagram.

15:46

I don't know why, but Instagram's figured out that I like baby goats and my guilty pleasure is just scrolling through baby goats and go like, oh,

15:52

he's so cute. Oh they're so cute. Men do the same thing.

15:56

They might get a little roused, but they just like it. You

16:00

know. I was in an uber a few weeks ago and my driver was

16:04

quite elderly, late seventies, early eighties, you know, almost as old

16:07

as our president. And he had his phone. His screensaver was a super

16:15

young hot girl in a bikini, and I just giggled to myself, like,

16:18

there he is driving around with his phone attached to his dashboard, just

16:22

swiping at red lights, seeing remembering how life could have been when he was

16:26

a young man and seeing all these that's all they do. If he's not

16:29

messaging them, you have nothing to worry about. Okay, I'm going to

16:33

continue looking into my dms on social media. If you'd like to send me

16:37

a message, it is at d R Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh.

16:41

And you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty

16:45

live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand

16:51

from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.

16:55

I'm KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio. You know, there

17:00

was a time we talked about that iHeartRadio app, like, oh yeah,

17:03

Like if you don't have a radio, I guess you could just use an

17:06

app. Now I realize everybody's listening online. They're making cars without AM radio,

17:11

some of them. I don't know I have one, and so uh

17:15

it's yeah, it's the thing. So if you have been listening to my

17:19

show on the app and you're somewhere around the country or the world, it's

17:22

wonderful to have you. It really is all right. Back to social media

17:27

and these questions that you guys are sending to me. Dear doctor Wendy,

17:32

I was at a private party last night. Ooh, this is gonna be a good story I could tell. Okay, So I was at a private

17:37

party last night and the bartender asked for my number after some flirty conversation.

17:42

Who I like that he still hasn't texted me. Should I text first?

17:48

Or will I appear desperate? I think he's really attractive and he gave me

17:52

such a protective, secure hug. You were hugging the bartender? WHOA.

17:59

I want him to take me up, but as a woman, I don't want to devalue myself. Remember sperm chases egg I've always said that, and

18:04

I okay, so here's your answer. There's a slim, slim chance he

18:11

lost your number. You know, it happens in rom coms all the time,

18:14

and then people are searching for each other. So I think you should

18:18

do a not flirty one time text as a test to see about his enthusiasm

18:26

and energy level. And so the text should say something like, you know,

18:33

make it connected to you know the night, like hey, I just

18:37

drank a moheedo. It wasn't as good as the one you made me. That's it. Something that can reminds him of the night, that just says.

18:44

That's not saying like, hey, cutie, what am I going to

18:47

hear from you? No? No, no, no no. Just a little compliment and something light. See how quickly he gets back to you,

18:53

and see if he writes more words than you wrote, and don't write too

18:56

many yourself, please. If it takes a forever to get back to you

19:02

and he's like, oh cool, yeah, we should maybe go out sometime

19:04

or something, forget it. Don't even respond. If he's like, hey,

19:08

I totally lost your number. I was thinking of you. Let's go

19:11

out and he sends it within like an hour of you sending it. Okay,

19:15

that's good, that's good. That's a green flag. But just use

19:18

it as a test. It's not like trying to reel him in and trying

19:22

to get him to behave It's just testing the water just a little bit.

19:26

See what happens, and use it as a test. He can fail the

19:29

test, remember that, all right? Move it on, Dear doctor Wendy.

19:33

I am a shy and introverted guy. Ooh, I love guys like

19:37

that. I got the courage to ask this beautiful woman out, and now

19:41

I need good ideas for a first date. I'm a little socially awkward,

19:45

and I don't want to scare her off on a first date, all right.

19:48

So my first bit of advice, no matter who you are in the

19:51

world, is instead of trying to pretend you're somebody different, just lead with

19:56

who you are. It's human, it's vulnerable, it's honest. So it's

20:03

okay to say on the date, by the way, I'm excited to go

20:07

out with you, just to let you know. I, in general have

20:10

a little social anxiety, so this is a big deal for me and they'll

20:14

appreciate the authenticity right now. As far as what to do, definitely don't

20:21

do a movie dark movie theaters where you don't even get to know each other. It's like she's sitting there with a stranger. Not a good idea.

20:27

Somewhere where you can talk and do things. I mean, if you are

20:30

socially awkward, maybe you want to do something that's a bit of an activity,

20:37

but something you already enjoy and like that you can show her. I

20:40

don't know whether it's go kart racing, whether it's touring some particular museum or

20:45

something you're into. But it could just simply be a simple short lunch.

20:52

Just make it short and sweet at a nice place. Talk about the food,

20:57

talk about the weather, talk about your work and that's okay too,

21:03

and just be honest with who you are. People like that. They like

21:07

authenticity. Don't try to pretend to be anything different. Lots of women love

21:12

shy, introverted guys who are a little socially awkward. Trust me, all

21:18

right, moving on, let me scroll through my dms here. Oh,

21:22

here's one. Dear doctor, Wendy, how do you take it slow in

21:26

dating when you're a Type A who likes to be in control and have an

21:32

insecure attachment style. Wow, that's that's quite a combination. I'm already in

21:36

therapy, but I feel like I need a little more. Well, I

21:40

think you do need more therapy. It sounds like you just said it,

21:42

You just said the answer, because I think working with your therapist who can

21:47

better identify, because you know, Type A isn't actually a diagnosis, but

21:52

maybe your therapist has already told you that you have kind of an insecure or

21:56

anxious attachment style. Maybe your past history of relationships is that you just hit

22:00

the gas pedal too fast and you scare people off. So your answer is,

22:06

how do you take it slow? You take it slow? Hey, this is what I would do. Okay, I'm just telling you about my

22:11

life experience when I was really into somebody and my heart was pounding, my

22:15

lower regions were throbbing, and I had to like just cool it and slow

22:21

down. I distracted myself. I would find I would call up friends,

22:27

work friends, I would call up girlfriends. I would look for things to

22:32

do on the calendar to keep me busy for me instead of ruminating about this

22:37

person and whether they were going to call and what they were going to say

22:41

and what you were going to say back. I know when I do that,

22:45

I just fall into a rabbit's hole of spinning thoughts. And so what

22:51

I would do is distract myself. My favorite saying that I developed along the

22:56

way while I was learning how to self regu late is wait and see.

23:03

I'm gonna just wait and see. I'm gonna wait and see what happens.

23:07

And definitely stay in therapy because your therapist can probably way better advise you than

23:11

I could uh. Okay, hey, doctor Wendy, I asked a man

23:15

out that I have a crush on. I made it seem like it was

23:18

a platonic thing, and it's not a date. And when I was asking

23:23

him to the park, asking him to the park for a lengthy talk about

23:26

our similar interests, what can I do while we're out to see if he

23:32

wants more than friendship? Okay, well you kind of. I mean,

23:37

first of all, you know I and it was signed by a woman,

23:41

so it's not a man asking a man out. Just to be clear here,

23:45

so it while I don't like that women ask out men, I see

23:52

what you tried to do here. You tried to make it platonic just to

23:56

get in his company and then see if he flirts with you. And the

24:00

answer is you got to see if he flirts with you. There's nothing you

24:04

can do because you know, I always say that women shouldn't do the asking.

24:10

This is heterosexual relationships, by the way, but they should issue the

24:15

invitation. You know what the invitation is, Ladies. It might just be

24:19

a hair flip, a wink, a giggle. There's lots of research to

24:22

show that men know when you're over laughing. At their jokes when their jokes

24:29

are not that funny. So anyway, issue an invitation, ladies. But

24:33

now that you've said it's platonic, just go out and see if you can

24:36

issue an invitation. Hairflips, giggles, all that kind of stuff and see

24:38

what happens. And if you get no response, move along, move along.

24:42

Okay. When we come back. Last week, I was talking about

24:45

childhood anxiety. When we come back, I have a very special guest who's

24:48

been working with children and anxiety for a long time, and he's a Stanford

24:53

professor, so he knows his stuff. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy

24:56

Walls Show and k I Am six forty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio Act.

25:02

You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.

25:07

Welcome show, I Am six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio Act. Well,

25:14

I promised you, In fact, I think I promised you last week

25:18

that I would have an expert, far more expert than me in childhood anxiety.

25:23

I'd like to welcome doctor Greg Hammer. He's a medical doctor, recently

25:27

retired. Congratulations, professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, pediatric intensive care

25:33

physician, pediatric anesthesiologist, and get this mindfulness expert his book Gain Without Pain,

25:41

The Happiness Handbook for Healthcare Professionals. Doctor Hammer, welcome. Always a

25:47

pleasure to have Doctor Wendy. It's wonderful to be with you. I'm glad

25:51

that you read my board certification and that they do. It does not include

25:56

psychiatry, so I just want to get that out there. I counselor or

26:00

psychiatrists, right, but you are a medical doctor. And the thing about

26:04

anxiety, and I want to talk about anxiety is that it appears to be

26:08

epidemic in our culture right now, especially with young people, and it has

26:14

a physiological manifestation. Anxiety isn't just something in our heads. It can create

26:21

heart palpitations, it can create stomach problems, it can create headaches. I

26:25

mean, you could go through a laundry list of physical stuff. So first

26:29

of all, my first question is do you think we're having more anxiety amongst

26:33

young people than we've had in the past. I think we are. We

26:40

certainly have unprecedented stressors everywhere. Just turn on the news. There's so many

26:47

awful things going on, so many innocent people losing their lives, and for

26:52

teens in particular, they've got all of the political divide and its ramifications,

26:56

the awful wars that are happening, and and the Middle East and Ukraine.

27:03

But they also have things like social media bullying and a very distorted sense of

27:08

self related to social media. They have school shootings. Should I wear bulletproof

27:14

vest today? There's a lot of gender issues, of course, you know

27:19

eco anxiety. Talk about anxiety, is they're going to be an earth suitable

27:23

for my children and maybe my grandchildren. So these are concerns that I certainly

27:30

never had growing up. I think that our teenagers and younger children, even

27:34

our face with unprecedented sources of anxiety. Certainly, when I was growing up

27:40

in the sixties and seventies, it was about did you get home on time

27:42

when the streetcar, when the street lights came on, and was your homework

27:45

done? And that was pretty much it. We didn't even know, you

27:48

know, the media wasn't an influence in our lives. I see it even

27:52

in college freshmen who have spent two years during COVID online and the amount of

27:59

social anxiety I notice them experiencing and unable to talk to each other. So

28:03

let's talk about solutions for parents, teachers, anybody who's working with young people,

28:11

and let's start with the very small children. It can show up,

28:15

as you know, bodily stuff, stomach stuff, headaches, maybe just nighttime

28:22

terrors and fears, monsters under the bed. What can parents do to help

28:26

their kids? All of us, as parents, Wendy, are well aware

28:30

that our kids are watching us very closely. So I think the first thing

28:33

that we can do as parents is to embrace a practice that is essentially geared

28:42

toward rewiring our brains, and our kids will pick that up from us.

28:47

So what do I mean by that our brains are hardwired to be rather negative?

28:52

We have a negativity bias. There's a lot of science on that,

28:55

and it just rings true when we think about it. We tend to remember the negative and forget about the positive. Another way that our brains are hardwired

29:03

is that we have a very hard time being present, and really happiness lives

29:07

in the present moment. When you think of all your happiest moments, you

29:10

weren't really thinking about yesterday or the list of things you had to do when you got home. So this negativity bias and this obsession really with the past

29:18

in the future. When you put those together, our obsession with the past,

29:22

constantly ruminating over things, with our negativity bias, we generate a lot

29:26

of shame and regret, to leaps, depression, low self esteem, the

29:30

imposter syndrome. When you apply the negativity bias with our distraction about the future,

29:36

we tend to catastrophize and generate a lot of fear and anxiety. Oh

29:41

don't we worry. We worry about the future, We worry about tomorrow,

29:44

we worry about next week. But specifically, what can parents do to rewire

29:48

their brains? Because I know what you're going to tell me that children, small children are sponges and they're just absorbing what's going on with the parents,

29:53

right, Yeah, So I think the first thing is for the parents to

29:57

get their act together and so you know, as the kids get older,

30:02

then we can introduce them into mindfulness based practices themselves. And I think this

30:07

is the key. So what I was getting at with the negativity bias and

30:11

inability to be present, the good news is we have this great quality called

30:15

neuroplasticity, so we can actually rewire our brains to be more positive and more

30:22

present, But it takes a plan. Just like physical fitness, sleep hygiene,

30:27

having a healthy diet, you have to have a program. So first

30:30

you have to define what the issues are and then you have to have a

30:33

plan to attack it. And so for me, that plan is a mindfulness

30:37

based program for our mental and spiritual health and sleep exercise, nutrition program for

30:45

our bodily health. And they're equally important. So, you know, some

30:48

of my students, I teach health psychology and we meditate in class every week,

30:52

and some of my students are worried that it's something to do with a

30:55

religion or something, and I always say, no, no, no. Mindfulness is just about learning to watch your thoughts so you can create a little

31:02

separation and just be aware. How would you describe mindfulness, Well, I

31:08

you know, I'm a big fan of a guy named John Cabotson, who's

31:12

a PhD scientist who really could be considered the founding father of the Mindfulness Base

31:18

stress reduction program certainly and mindfulness in general. He defined mindfulness very simply as

31:26

awareness of the present moment on purpose, non judgmentally. So again, focus

31:32

on what's happening right now on purpose. That means to me that we have

31:37

to have a plan because our brains are wired to be anything other than present.

31:41

So if we want to be present and be aware of the present moment

31:45

fully, we have to have a plan. So that's the on purpose and

31:48

the non judgmental he is. We could talk about judgment and non judgment for

31:52

hours, but my first book begins with gain as an acronym for gratitude,

31:56

acceptance, intention, and non judgment. The non judgment is key, and

32:00

so the good news that we can actually teach ourselves to drop judgments of others,

32:06

the world, and eventually ourselves. I love that retraining the brain.

32:09

We have only a little time left if you're listening. The book is called

32:14

Gain without Pain, the Happiness Handbook for Healthcare Professionals. My guest is doctor

32:19

Greg Hammer. What do you say about older kids, adolescents, teenagers,

32:23

college students, When do you think they should be learning to meditate? I

32:31

actually think that kids can learn to meditate, you know, when they're seven,

32:36

eight, nine years old. Wendy, The Gain program, just as

32:39

an example of a MINDFULSS meditation practice can be done in three or four minutes.

32:45

It's just focus on the breaths, deepening it slowing it down and then

32:47

going through a self guided or a parent guided, if you will, tour

32:53

of that for which we're grateful. Acceptance, intention, non judgment, return

32:58

to the breath, open our eyes, and young kids can learn how to

33:01

do that quite easily, and doing it with their parents has many benefits individual

33:07

and for the parents and family unit as well. You know, just having

33:10

you on the show makes me slow down, my breathing, makes me so

33:14

focused. It's so how it is. It's not that company and we just

33:21

need to have a plan, it's not Thank you so much for joining me.

33:23

My guest doctor Greg Hammer, a medical doctor, recently retired professor at

33:28

Stanford University School of Medicine, Pediatric Intensive Care physician. It's always a joy

33:32

to have you on our show. His book is Gained without Pain, the

33:36

Happiness Handbook for Healthcare Professionals, and that brings the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show to

33:40

a close. You know, you can always follow me on my social media.

33:44

The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh or join my Patreon. Every Wednesday

33:47

night, we have a little Patreon zoom room. That's patreon dot com slash

33:52

doctor Wendy Walsh. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI

33:55

AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.

34:01

You can always hear us live on k five A M six forty from

34:05

seven to nine p m. On Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app