0:00

This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k I Am six forty,

0:04

The Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app k I AM six

0:08

forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy

0:12

Wallsh Show. Can we talk about the science of love? Can we talk

0:14

about what's going on in the news when it comes to love? Okay,

0:19

what have I got going for you? How to pay a compliment to grow

0:22

your love? And there's a bunch of psychobabble that a bunch of us are

0:26

using incorrectly. I just want to clear it up. But before we get

0:30

there, Producer Kayla, what are you thinking about all the students in America

0:36

who are out there protesting. I'm proud of them. We're standing up for

0:41

what they believe in. I'm just glad they're off their phones. Yeah,

0:44

glad they're talking to each other. Yeah, I'm glad they're out there in

0:47

the real world. Doesn't matter what side anyone's on. We're not going to

0:51

get into the content to here, folks. I just want to say that

0:54

it's been a long time since college students grew a backbone and got out there

0:59

protesting, and if this is the thing that's doing it for them, good

1:03

for them. I can't believe that USC canceled their graduation. And this is

1:08

a group of students who missed their high school graduation in twenty twenty because of

1:12

COVID and now this. It's really sad. And I don't think that people

1:17

are taught how to protest correctly because they don't go into the details when they

1:21

educate you about the protests that have happened over history as far as the logistics

1:25

of it. So people are just trying to figure it out the best they can, and it's unfortunate that they can't graduate because of it. I know

1:30

it is a shame. But anyway, I'm having a great time watching it

1:34

from the sidelines because you know, I'm a little too tired to sleep in

1:38

a tent on a college campus right now. It's not really my time,

1:42

but I am just applauding everyone who's putting their voice out there. Apathy is

1:46

dead. We used to say that Americans were so apathetic, and no more,

1:49

we don't say that anymore. Speaking of Americans, there's a certain American

1:53

who seems to be in the news every single day because he's sitting in a

1:57

courtroom, and that would be former President Donald Trump. So this week I

2:00

was called by Glamour magazine to ask whether I thought there were some red flags

2:06

in their marriage. Now, you know, usually when you hear me talk

2:10

about red flags, I'm usually talking about a budding relationship where like a new

2:16

attachment is kind of tenuinous and someone's just checking each other out. So there's

2:22

not a lot of character evidence, right, so you look in for those flags. We call those the red flags. You know. The comparison is

2:29

that they're waived on an auto race course, indicating that it's too dangerous to

2:35

continue. So I always say that I usually reserve my red flags for the

2:39

hormones before good sense crowd. However, Milania and Donald are a little bit

2:46

different because every single day it seems there are red flags showing up because the

2:51

world is speculating about the ties that bind the former first couple. So we're

2:58

in twenty twenty four. That means twenty six years after Milania and Donald allegedly

3:06

first met. I have to say allegedly, because there's a couple of stories about when it actually happened, but we know it's nineteen years after their wedding.

3:14

So you can say that Milania is clearly the longest running mate of Donald

3:17

Trump, literally running meat. She's also an enigma, right, She's not

3:23

appearing that often. When she makes a statement, it's usually with her fashion.

3:29

Remember the time she wore that jacket that said I don't care, do you? And she was at the border of visiting, but she said it

3:35

was about the media. Her voice is relatively soft. But some people think

3:40

that she wields a great power over Donald Trump because she holds all his secrets

3:47

and that she has a lot of power. So, hey, I like

3:51

to say, they're still on the race course. Why don't we wave some red flags together? Here we go. Okay, So here's some of the

3:57

things I dug up. It's all on the internet. It's all out there.

4:00

First of all, here's a red flag. She just renegotiated her prenup.

4:05

Now it's called a post nup, right. She converted it to what

4:10

is reported to be a very comfortable post nuptial agreement that will provide a more

4:15

solid future for she and their son Baron should the parents go separate ways.

4:19

Now, some people are speculating that one of the reasons she did this is

4:23

because she knew that he would have to pay millions of dollars to his attorneys

4:27

to keep his butt out of jail, and she wanted to make sure that

4:30

some money was left over for her and the kid. And also, you know, it's a big thing that married people do. They put assets in

4:36

the wife's name so that if people, you know, win judgments against him,

4:41

they can't take stuff. Maybe that's in her name. Anyway, she

4:44

renegotiated her prenuptial agreement last fall. That's a red flag. Here's another one.

4:48

Did you know that the two of them have always had separate bedrooms?

4:55

Uh huh, right from Trump Tower to the White House tomorrow Lago. There's

4:59

no secret they each have their own bedrooms. They have separate nocturnal quarters.

5:04

And I don't know is this because of snoring or emotional avoidance. Okay,

5:11

here's another red flag. They're making no public appearances together. Have you seen

5:15

the hashtag where is Milania? Hashtag? It continued well into twenty twenty four.

5:20

Now we do know that she mourned the loss of her mom, who

5:23

passed away on January ninth, so she excused herself from public events. For

5:28

months and months and months. But she didn't even show up at his Super

5:31

Tuesday election victory speech. Okay, and that was months after her mom passed.

5:36

Really, like, where has Melania been in twenty twenty four? I

5:41

should sort of add as an aside, Avanka's gone too. He's a loaner

5:45

out there. All his work wives are not showing up. Here's the biggest

5:50

red flag in my mind. No courtroom support. There's her husband. He's

5:56

withstanding a humiliating courtroom trial about hush money and maybe sex with a pornography actress,

6:01

and he's going it all by himself. She has not accompanied her husband

6:06

to any of his court appearance appearances, and there have been many different trials.

6:12

In fact, one source told People magazine that Milania told her quote,

6:16

this fourth indictment is another problem for her husband, not a problem for her.

6:23

In other words, that's his business. But the biggest red flag is

6:28

that black says it all. She finally showed up last weekend, April twentieth,

6:32

at the log Cabin Republicans fundraiser. Let's just stop right there. Do

6:36

you know what the log Cabin Republicans are? Kaylet do you have any idea

6:42

I don't know. It's the LGBTQ Republicans. Isn't that cute log cabins.

6:46

They used to meet out at log cabins. Then they're ranches because they couldn't

6:49

be in public in this way. It was cute, the log cabin Republicans.

6:53

So she shows up. It's at mar a Lago she hosted. He's

6:56

not there. It was a day after a New York jury was finally selected

7:01

to weigh in on Donald's criminal trial. She finally appeared. Now I want

7:06

everyone to stop and think about this for a moment. It's spring, It's

7:12

palm Beach, Florida, I said, Florida, the sunshine state. In

7:18

April. Florida is the home of white pants. In January, and Milania

7:25

strategically shows up in a black pants suit. Black black black, the color

7:32

of grieving. Makes me wonder is she mourning the demise of her relationship?

7:40

Remember she makes statements with her clothes. That's just weird. I've been to

7:46

Florida in April. It's uncomfortable to wear black, and she wore long black

7:51

jacket, long black pants. She's been talking without words for a while.

7:56

Uh, and we hear her loud and clear but people are saying, oh,

7:59

she's for the money. Do you know how many even richer guys are

8:03

in the world who would treat her so well? And I think, once

8:05

you have somebody like Donald Trump on your roster, more men like that want

8:09

you because he's had you. And it's like, oh, well, did

8:13

I ever tell you the story? Do I have time to tell a story?

8:15

Okay, got a little time, ye, you can tell us. So one time I was working for Extra as a reporter and we did a

8:20

Day in the Life of Donald Trump. So I followed him around for the whole day, and he flirted with me, actually did a very nice thing.

8:24

At the end of the day, we were down atlant It ended in

8:28

Atlantic City at one of his casinos, and he said, how are you

8:33

getting back to New York? And I said, I'm driving in the van

8:37

with the crew. That's what we do. And he goes, oh, that's silly. Let me give you my chopper. And so he takes me

8:41

in an elevator up to the top of the roof with his security people,

8:46

and suddenly my coat that I'd given to somebody earlier on the first floor suddenly

8:50

appears. And then a chef comes out with a white hat and a picnic

8:54

basket with a bottle of champagne and lobster. And they put me in the

8:58

back of his helicopter and he says goodbye and he leaves, and all of

9:01

a sudden, there I am all by myself. And this is before social

9:05

media. This is nineteen ninety six ish, and I'm flying from Atlantic City

9:09

to New York and Donald Trump's helicopter the only passenger Sip in my champagne,

9:15

eat in my lobster, because you know, he knows how to treat the

9:18

media. But here's the thing. When he was kind of flirting with me

9:22

and asking me questions about me, he kept asking me who I dated and

9:28

where I sat at Laker games, Like it was clear to me that I

9:33

was only of value to him if I dated celebrities or powerful men, like

9:37

he would want to take me away and steal me as an object or an

9:43

asset of another man more than just get to know me. You know,

9:48

remember when he was bragging in the Access Hollywood tapes of a taking Nancy O'Dell's

9:52

shopping and he goes and she was married, and she was married, and

9:54

she went shopping with me, Like the fact that she was, in his

9:58

mind quote quote unquote owned by another man, raise the value because it's like

10:03

a competitive thing for him. But it was the weirdst I'd never flirted with

10:07

a guy where all he wanted to know was the names of any celebrity or

10:11

powerful man that I dated. Kind of weird. So anyway, she I

10:16

think if Malaney went back on the mating marketplace, she would have no problem

10:20

finding Now, maybe she likes just the limelight, and maybe she likes the

10:24

power of the presidency. But if he loses, if he loses, she

10:30

set up. She got her new post nap. She set up just saying

10:35

all right when we come back, do you believe in the five love languages,

10:41

especially words of affirmation? I'm about the buster bubble. You are listening

10:46

to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and I am six forty We're live everywhere on

10:50

the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM

10:56

six forty AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh for you. This

11:01

He is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. This your love to tell you you're

11:05

beautiful every day? Do you tell them? Do you tell them how grateful

11:09

you are for each other. Well, I think that's a good thing.

11:15

But if you're doing it because you believe in the five Love Languages, then

11:20

I got some news for you. Maybe you've heard of the book. It

11:22

was written way back in nineteen ninety two. The book is called The Five

11:28

Love Languages How to Express heartfelt Commitment to your Mate. It's a super popular

11:33

book. It was written by Gary Chapman, who's a Baptist minister, and

11:39

his book basically outlines ways that lovers can express love or experience love, and

11:46

his theory is if we can just learn each other's love language, then we'll

11:52

have a better relationship. In his book, the five so called love languages

11:58

because he made them up that he proposed are words of affirmation, given someone

12:03

compliments, quality time, spending one on one time together, physical touch,

12:11

acts of service or like that, and receiving gifts. Ooh, a lot

12:16

of women like that. Bring me gifts, Then I know you love me. Right. When I first met Julio, he told me that his love

12:24

language was acts of service, And I said, I bet you say that

12:31

to all the girls, right, Because people are using this stuff in common

12:35

lexicon now it is just the way they talk like that's their love language.

12:39

Well, here's the bad news. There is not a lick of scientific research

12:45

to prove that it's real or that it works. So many researchers have tried

12:50

to find what we call validity and reliability with the concept because, like,

12:54

think about it, it sounds really plausible, right, but remember astrology sound

13:00

it's plausible too, And if you believe in astrology, I'm sorry to burst

13:03

that bubble too. There's absolutely no research. I mean they've done research it.

13:07

You know what. They take the deck of astrological forecasts or descriptions of

13:13

people based on their signs, and they shuffle it and they hand it out

13:16

to people and they say this is you, and they read into it because

13:20

it's so vague, and every time they go, that's exactly me. Now

13:24

it's astrologies and neither are the love languages. Here's the worst news. Even

13:31

when couples and they put put in scientific experiments and told you must practice the

13:35

love language model, you must learn your partner's love languages and respond to it

13:39

in their love language, research has been completely unable to find that these couples

13:46

are happier or even more satisfied in their relationship than any other couple who doesn't

13:52

do the love languages. So there you go, like astrology. But having

13:56

said that, I personally think that words of affirmation, forget about the love

14:01

language part, are just a way to reprogram your own brain. It's a

14:07

form of self talk. I mean, we're talking about relationship with science here,

14:11

so positive self talk. We know this. There's lots of research on

14:13

this is a proven winner. It's been shown to if you just say good

14:18

things about yourself, for instance, you can improve your own attention or your

14:22

emotional regulation. There's been research to show that you can achieve more in sports

14:26

or academics. It can help reduce symptoms of depression, anxiety, improve your

14:31

mood. I mean just saying nice things to yourself inside your head. And

14:35

I have always said that showing appreciation, gratitude, complimenting your partner does two

14:43

things. Really. One is those words of affirmation I think act as a

14:48

kind of behavioral reward system. So in other words, if you praise somebody

14:52

for doing something nice, they're going to want to do more of it.

14:56

They like getting the compliments, they like getting thanked, they like getting prayed.

15:00

But here's the other thing, when you speak positive words to your partner,

15:05

your own brain is listening. You reaffirm your commitment to them, so

15:11

it reminds you of why you're there, and then you feel good about your

15:16

choice, so you like your relationship better. You know. I often say

15:20

that life is just a self fulfilling prophecy anyway. And one of the things

15:24

they do know about they being those researchers out there about long term happy couples

15:30

is that they continue to value each other. They continue to speak kindly and

15:35

wonderfully about each other. Okay, so let's say, as just an experiment

15:39

in your own little household, you want to try, how to how to

15:43

introduce you want to try. I don't know why I'm not talking well today.

15:46

I think as I woke up. I woke up, kayle at five in the morning, just I couldn't get back to sleep, and the birds

15:50

were singing outside my window, and it made me so happy that I just

15:54

listened to them and then I got up. That's a lovely way to wake

15:56

up. Then by this time it's like, okay, yeah, but it's

16:00

kind of late to have coffee. Okay, if you want to use more

16:03

words of affirmation in your relationship. Here's what you need to do. Catch

16:07

your partner being good. Keep your eyes open, watch for small acts,

16:11

things that you can thank them for right on the spot. Also find the

16:15

smallest things. Compliment your partner frequently on the very smallest things. They refilter

16:21

you a cup of coffee. Oh, thanks, love, that's so sweet of you. They threw in a quick load of laundry. Oh that's so

16:26

nice. You thought that the laundry need to be done. Thank you, baby. Don't wait to notice the unexpected, compliment the expected. I know

16:34

I have a friend who says, but they should know and they shouldn't need

16:37

to get some kind of reward for just doing just what they're supposed to do.

16:42

No. Happy relationships are about two people feeling appreciation and gratitude for each

16:48

other. I will say this, don't tell lies. Be authentic, okay,

16:52

be sincere. Allow yourself to truly feel gratitude for your partner so you

16:56

can make your appreciation real. There's also research by doctors John and Julie Gotman

17:03

at the Marriage Lab at the University of Washington to say that if you explain

17:07

why it benefits you, then the gratitude means that much more. So say,

17:11

oh my god, I was so late for work today and I noticed

17:15

that you put in that laundry before I went. That's so sweet of you.

17:17

It made my day so much easier. That sounds so much better than

17:21

just thanks babe and running out the door. Also touch your partner, had

17:26

a loving touch. When we touch our partners, we communicate in a much

17:30

deeper way. And to hear some things you should be saying all the time.

17:33

You guys, I love you, I appreciate you. You're the person

17:38

I always wished for. I used to say that to my kids. You're

17:41

the daughter I always wished for. Also support them. You've got this,

17:45

babe, I'm on your team. Or how about you inspire me? You're

17:52

so smart. You make my life so much easier. Why aren't we saying

17:59

this more often, especially if we'd been with somebody for a long time,

18:03

and don't say they should know, they should know it's been enough time.

18:07

No. I remember I saw a femail comedian say that. She said to

18:11

her husband one time, how come you never tell me you love me?

18:15

And he said I did at our wedding. All right, when we come

18:22

back. How to cope with distressful feelings. According to somebody who I fangirl

18:27

over a lot, doctor Sigmund Freud. You are listening to the Dodor Wendy

18:32

Wall Show and KFI AM six forty we live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

18:36

You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. I

18:41

could say to you AFI am six forty, You've got doctor Wendy Walsh with

18:45

you. This is the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show. When I was in graduate

18:49

school and I learned about that, I call him the father of psychoanalysis,

18:56

doctor Sigmund Freud. What was really interesting that a lot of people didn't know

19:00

he's a medical doctor as well, is that back in Victorian times, women

19:06

were going to medical doctors with unexplained physical illnesses blindness, paralysis, bad stomachs,

19:15

and the doctors, the medical doctors couldn't find anything wrong, and they

19:19

would try all the treatments and they didn't get better. And when they'd finally

19:23

give up, they'd say, send her to doctor Freud, see what he

19:26

can do, and he would lie them on his famous couch and he would

19:32

just allow them to talk. They were often women at a time when women

19:37

were very repressed. Of course, he came up with this psychosexual theory that

19:41

women had penis enved. We didn't envy your penis, as guys, we

19:45

envied your power. And so he gave them a voice. And by letting

19:51

them talk, and the talk they did about abuse as children, trauma,

19:56

sexual abuse, and and as they were able to have this release, they

20:03

started to get physically better. And this is when we started to learn about

20:08

the talking cure. The other thing that Sigmund Freud, although you know,

20:12

some of his stuff we can throw today, but let's not throw out the

20:15

baby with the bathwater. The other important thing that he did is he came

20:19

up with this idea or he expanded on other ideas from others of the unconscious.

20:25

The fact that if you can picture an iceberg, you know, you always see these pictures of an iceberg where there's a tiny little tip above the

20:30

water and this huge mammoth thing is underneath the sea. That's our unconscious.

20:37

We think we're aware of everything, but it's just a little tip at the

20:41

top. That's our thoughts that we're aware of. But most of our behaviors

20:45

come from feelings that are buried underneath, and so Frey came up with this

20:52

idea. He said, you know what, human beings don't like uncomfortable feelings.

20:56

We don't like to feel distress, And so he came up with these

21:02

things he called ego defenses. I like to call them just defense mechanisms.

21:07

And these are our perfect psychological strategies designed to protect us, protect us from

21:11

anxiety, or protect us from unacceptable thoughts or feelings. On the other hand,

21:17

the defenses themselves can sometimes become problematic, but they are so understood today

21:25

that we use Freud's language in our common language every day. For instance,

21:30

one of the most common defense mechanisms is denial. How often do we say

21:37

we you're in denial. You're in denial. You don't even realize this guy's

21:40

a total jerk and he's harding you. You're in denial, right, we

21:44

understand, right, So sometimes we just bury stuff because we don't want to

21:52

feel that anxious feeling. Another one might be repression, right where let's say

21:59

some was betrayed earlier in this in life, and so later in life they

22:04

mistrust everybody else because somebody hurt them early on. That's repression, right,

22:11

or projection? Heye one time I was in graduate school and I had a

22:14

teacher who said, Hey, today we're going to learn about what it feels

22:18

like to feel anger and discussed. So what I'd like you to do,

22:22

just to help us so you can be aquare of your feelings, is I'd

22:26

like you to take a piece of paper and i'd write you write down the

22:29

name of the person you dislike and hate the most in life. Just write

22:33

it at the top. You're not gonna have to hand it in. And then I'd like you to write down all the things you hate about them.

22:37

And while you're doing that, be aware of any physical sensations in your body,

22:41

tightness in your chest, whatever. We really want you to get into

22:45

true deep anger, So write down everything you hate about that person. And

22:49

then after we finished doing that, she said, all right, now,

22:52

I'd like you to all cross off the name at the top and write your

22:56

own name. That is Carl Jung's shadow. And so what Freud would say

23:06

is that we take some of the most uncomfortable pieces of ourself that we can't

23:10

even accept, and we project them onto other people projection, and we think

23:14

about it. The person who says that the check comes at lunch and they're

23:18

splitting it up and they're like, who had the soup? Now you nax

23:21

to four dollars because you had the soup. That is usually the most miserly

23:25

person who criticizes the other people for being cheap all the time is the one

23:30

who's the cheapest. So listen to your language. When you're gossiping about other

23:33

people, you're really gossiping about yourself. Then Freud came up with things like

23:37

displacement, where we take our anger and we have a bad day, we

23:44

don't like our work, we go home and we yell at the kids,

23:48

or regression. We regress sometimes to children. Look, the other day,

23:52

I had very few miles left on my battery, and it was late at

23:55

night, and I didn't want to charge for long, so I charged just enough to get me to school the next morning. And then when I got

24:00

on the freeway that night, I drove the wrong way on the freeway and

24:03

the next exit was like five miles away, and all those miles were wasted,

24:07

and I took a full on little tantrum at the steering wheel. That's

24:11

regression. I totally totally regressed. Fred said there are some healthy defense mechanisms

24:18

like sublimation where you take your own pain, you look for other people experiencing

24:22

the same pain, and you go help them out, and by helping them,

24:26

you feel better. That's why everybody who recovers from addiction, often not

24:30

everybody, but many people become addiction counselors or they sponsor other people, like

24:34

in the Alcoholics Anonymous program. Right. Also, he said humor was really

24:41

healthy, right, being able to separate a little bit from our pain.

24:48

Almost every comedian out there suffers from depression, anxiety, all host of things,

24:52

and humor has been the thing that calms them down. Right. It

24:56

creates a little separation. Maybe that's why I like, really don't humor.

25:02

There's one defense mechanism that I'm going to tell you when I come back that

25:06

my therapist used to tell me that I used the very most. I'll explain

25:11

when I come back. Also, let's talk about introverts and extroverts dating each

25:18

other. It can be a little dicey sometimes, but it can be wonderful

25:21

too. Let's talk about it. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show

25:23

on k I AM six forty one live everywhere on the iHeartRadio appen. You're

25:29

listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. KFI AM

25:34

six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor

25:38

Wendy Walsh Show. You know, I was an in and out of therapy

25:45

for eighteen years, swear to God, like a long time. Whenever i'd

25:48

have a crisis, I'd be back in for a couple of years. And

25:52

it's like a kind of reparenting, you know, in many ways. But

25:56

I was a smarty pants in therapy. Literally, I was busy reading psychological

26:02

textbooks so I would have answers. I wanted to know more than the therapist.

26:07

And it's very common that highly intelligent am I calling myself highly intelligent,

26:11

that intelligence. Smarty pants people big mouth smarty pants people use this particular Freudian

26:18

defense mechanism, and I used it a lot. It's called rationalization. Rationalization

26:26

is where people justify their feelings or their behavior with seemingly logical reasons and explanations.

26:37

And I remember having a professor once tell me that the hardest patients to

26:42

treat are the highly intelligent ones because they're trying to bamboozle the therapist and be

26:49

a little bit smarter than the therapist at all times. Rationally. Here's a

26:53

simple example of rationalization. Let's say there's somebody who shop lifts, but they

27:00

say, but I never shoplift from a Mom at pop store, only big

27:04

box stores that are owned by big corporations. And actually those corporations need the

27:10

tax deductions, they need to show the losses. It's called I rationalization.

27:17

It's seemingly logical. It's still illegal. If we all did it, yeah,

27:22

nobody would be in business. All right. Oh, there's one other

27:26

Freudian defense mechanism I want to mention. That's reaction formation, when you do

27:30

actually the opposite, when you're really like somebody but you're mean to them.

27:36

Oh yeah people, Well that's a middle school yeah people yours? Yes,

27:40

wow, yeah, they do the opposite weird or the other way. You're

27:44

really mad at your spouse, so you're really warm and sweet to them because

27:48

you've just been taught. So if you can't say anything nicely, nothing at

27:52

else, you're just sweet. I wish I had that. Yeah, yeah,

27:55

that's nice. No, you should be authentic. It's okay to be authentic. Track these with honey, Yeah, hey we just did in Uh,

28:02

We're near the end of the school year, and we were doing personality

28:04

type last week and I had the students take the Big Five personality test,

28:11

which is the most sort of used and respected personality test, and it looks

28:15

at different aspects of your personality, how open you are, how neurotic you

28:19

are, and so how conscientious you are. But one of the big ones

28:26

is introversion versus extraversion. And where do you think I laid on that scale?

28:30

Extrovert? Yeah, ninety seven percent, Yeah I was, I was

28:33

gonna gas one hundred. Yeah, I'm a surprised with three percents introverty.

28:37

I actually have no secrets because nobody can gossip about me, ever, because

28:41

I've already told somebody the truth because I already got loud. I think got

28:45

loud. I'm such an extrovert, and I in the past have mostly dated

28:51

introverts, really because I like the balance, I like an audience. But

28:59

there have been clashes, because a true extrovert is somebody who gets their energy

29:03

around other people. They like. They go out and then they talk and

29:07

they get animated and they socialize and they come back feeling like, Hey,

29:11

I could stay up all night. I have so much energy. That was so exciting. Introverts come back from a social situation like that and feel absolutely

29:18

drained. They get most of their energy from being completely alone. And I

29:23

know you don't realize this, Kitlin, but I actually have a big introverted

29:26

side too. Like I do like to be alone. I like to alone,

29:30

do creative things, just have quiet time by me. I like that.

29:36

But it's really important that people understand that if you're an extrovert and you're

29:41

dating an introvert, know your person isn't a debbie downer and just just want

29:47

to go to events. They actually need quiet time alone. They're not abandoning

29:53

you, they're not rejecting you. They just need their personal space, and

30:00

you, as an extrovert, have to learn to accept that. On the

30:04

other hand, little miss introvert as to understand that your guy needs a party.

30:10

Everyone like literally needs. Is not like, well, can't he just stay home and watch TV with me? No, you have a choice.

30:15

If you have the energy go to that party with them. You can be

30:19

the wallflower and let them show off or let them go and understand they're not

30:26

abandoning you, they're not rejecting you. They just need that for their energy.

30:32

But the most important thing is that everybody talks about it, right,

30:36

not in a way of well, you're always going out and you're never here

30:38

with me. How about I see you have a need to go out and

30:42

be with people. It's hard for me to go out as often as you

30:45

do. How should we solve this together? Right? Either way, Sometimes

30:52

introverts mary introverts and they have the most peaceful life together. I've actually sat

31:02

at dinner tables with couples that are both introverts, and I'm like, what

31:07

did they talk about? Do they ever talk? Maybe they just feel understood

31:11

by each other because an extrovert is going to make them feel like that talk

31:14

what's up with you? And it's like I was just well, I am. On the other hand, for the first time in my life, I'm

31:18

with another extrovert. Is he an extrovert? Oh? You should see him

31:22

at parties. Oh he is a talker. Oh he's always in business mode

31:26

when he's here. So yeah, see too much of that? Yeah,

31:29

I guess when he comes to work with me, he helps you out and then he gets worked done. He's on his emails and doing his stuff.

31:33

Right, I don't see it, but No. The first time we went

31:36

out to an event together that was like a big you know, red carpet

31:40

kind of big, and I watched him work the room. I was like,

31:42

whoa, I've never seen were you so attracted to that? I was.

31:47

I liked it. I liked it because I was I've always been doing

31:51

the heavy lifting myself, because I was the extrovert, and I'd be dragging

31:55

these introverts. I remember one time I was at this party and I was

31:59

with an introvert who had trouble with parties, and I made the mistake of

32:04

saying because we had just gotten there and I was having so much fun and

32:07

I was going to go see so and so, and he was like, how long are you going to stay? Like what time do you want to

32:13

Because what he was planning in his head is how long can I tolerate this?

32:17

But I didn't have my compassion meter on at that moment, so I

32:22

wasn't able to say, oh, I see, this is a a stressful

32:24

situation for you. How it would be a good amount of time that you

32:28

think you could tolerate. Let's figure it out together. No. No, I wasn't in that mood. I already had a tequila in my hand,

32:34

and I just looked at him and said, look, if you need to go, go, and he was totally insulted. Oh, and I was

32:39

just like it. He got all mad and I was just like, no,

32:42

I'm not saying I want you to go. I'm just saying if you

32:45

need to go, because I need to stay at this party. It's my

32:49

friend's birthday. We're going to dance. There's a band. I thought you

32:52

were just giving him a green light, like, hey, if you want to leave, you can leave, you know, no pressure, And I

32:55

would take it as a total rejection and turned into a mini fight. I'm

33:00

an extrovert. That's learning opportunity for me. I thought that I'm just okay interesting. Yeah, I think the words I should have said are, Oh,

33:06

I know parties are hard for you. I'd love for you to stay,

33:09

but if it's a little tough for you, I'll understand if you need

33:13

to leave early. But I just said, if you need to go,

33:16

go, Yes, that's what That's what I would have said. I know.

33:21

So do you mostly date introverts or extroverts? Yeah, I typically date

33:23

introverts. I like introverts. I like yourself. But because I like to

33:28

talk and I'll have to be listened to. And yeah, but did you

33:30

know that extroverts often think that introverts are actually really smart because they're so quiet

33:37

and observing. I thought they would think that we're cringe because like, why

33:40

are you doing that? Stop it? We're in public. So it's nice

33:44

that they think that we're smart, and they like that. And extroverts think

33:46

that introverts think of them as being dumb like diarrhea, mouth and whatever.

33:52

And the truth is introverts think of extroverts as being really dumb. Just say,

34:00

hey, when we come back, let's go to social media. I want to answer some relationship questions. No, not yet, We're not going

34:05

to social media. At where are we going? We are going to talk

34:07

about new psychobabble. Ooh that's right. I've been talking about the Freud defense

34:12

mechanisms. Yeah, you know, there's a bunch of psychobabble people have been

34:15

using all the time, and they've been using it incorrectly, Like boundaries.

34:17

Nobody understands the real definition of boundaries. Let me explain it all when we

34:21

come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM

34:24

six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to

34:30

Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI Am six forty

34:35

from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app