Herschel Walker is running for the US Senate after a lifetime of scoring touchdowns and spawning athletic children, some of whom he still remembers.

He's America's greatest athlete! And America's greatest food processor! And FBI agent. And Valedictorian. And Herschel Walker's abortion payments are just the cost of doing business when you're the best in the world at everything you do.

Co-written by TeeJay Small. Teejay does comedy writing on Fiverr. Reach out to him on Fiverr here or read his excellent writing at Medium.

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