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Spooky to Handle 2 Welcome

1:02

to 2 Spooky to Handle 2

1:04

Season 2, baby!

1:09

I'm Ginger, the haunted bitch

1:12

doll from hell. You gotta

1:14

listen to Season 1. I was a

1:16

thing. A real thing bought

1:19

off of eBay. Anyways,

1:21

do you like my dollhouse?

1:24

Do you? I put a lot of

1:26

work in it. Sit back and

1:28

relax as a bone-chilling

1:31

and fully improvised spooky movie

1:33

unfolds before you. This

1:36

is Cemetery Flot.

1:43

We open up on a high up drone shot

1:46

at night time.

1:46

Cruising

1:49

above a very small, cute

1:51

little New England town. And

1:55

we're going through some houses and we come up

1:57

to the cemetery

1:58

at the end. edge

2:00

of town. It even says ye olde cemetery.

2:03

It's so old. It's

2:05

so old and we start cruising

2:08

through a bunch of waves. We start

2:10

crazy. Shut up wind. And

2:13

we stop suddenly at a

2:15

car that's hanging out in

2:18

the cemetery. It's an AMC racer

2:21

or pacer. There's like a teen

2:23

inside. He's wearing like a jumper that

2:25

says security guard and

2:28

he's just kind of drumming on the steering

2:30

wheel. Doo doo doo doo

2:32

doo doo doo doo doo doo

2:34

doo.

2:34

Come on baby. No. Come on baby

2:37

put out. Stop it.

2:39

Come on baby put out. I told you you

2:41

could do anything you want with my mouth and my ears.

2:44

Everything else is saved. Come on.

2:47

I

2:47

want to get below your mouth

2:49

and your ears. Come on.

2:51

Oh my god. I told you we've only been

2:53

dating for three hours and

2:55

when we get to five then we can get

2:57

funky. Oh that's two

3:00

hours

3:00

away. I just want to

3:02

do it with you here in the cemetery.

3:05

I'm not doing it in a car. Okay. That's

3:07

for sluts. What? Maybe if we can

3:09

find like

3:09

a romantic spot. Oh

3:11

yeah okay. There's a mausoleum over

3:14

there. Oh don't have marble.

3:16

Yeah you like marble? Yeah. Awesome.

3:20

I have a nice crispy towel

3:23

we can lay down. Don't ask what's crispy.

3:26

Don't ask. I'm not going

3:28

to.

3:29

Okay good. Oh oh oh

3:31

so what is that doing now? Hi.

3:34

Hi. I'm lost. Holy

3:37

shit. How old are you? Seven

3:40

and a half. Oh no.

3:41

Oh god. There goes our good

3:43

time. Yeah. Are you guys having a good

3:45

time? Are you playing Yahtzee? We

3:48

were about to. Um

3:52

little girl, um sure I'll

3:54

help you find your parents. Did you come here with your parents

3:56

or something? No I climbed out a window.

3:59

in my house?

4:00

Okay. And do you know where

4:03

your house is? Up the road, down

4:05

the street.

4:06

Okay, you should go to it.

4:09

Come on,

4:09

I want him. Okay, let's take her to her

4:11

house and we can get funky and fresh

4:14

and crazy. Okay, okay, alright. Okay,

4:16

little girl, get in. Oh boy. I've

4:19

never been in an AMC Pacer before.

4:22

Some people call it a razor. Oh, a razor? Oh,

4:25

a pacer. Oh, I can't read.

4:27

So, wow, tell

4:29

us a little bit

4:30

about... Oh no! Oh

4:32

god, I didn't buckle up! Bum,

4:35

bum, bum, fly down where? Hold

4:37

on! Down, down! Down, down!

4:41

Ow, my head, I hit it on the back seat.

4:44

Oh my god, are you okay, little girl? Ouch,

4:47

ouch, yes. How do you know my

4:49

full name?

4:50

Wait, your name's little girl?

4:52

First

4:52

name, little, last name, girl.

4:56

Wait a second, little girl.

4:59

Yeah? Your clothes are funny. They're

5:01

like vintage or something.

5:02

Uh, yes, from the Victorian

5:05

era. Wait a second,

5:07

little girl.

5:08

I can't see any feet.

5:11

I don't have them. What the fuck?

5:13

This isn't funny, Dale. Are

5:16

you pulling a prank on me? How am I pulling a prank

5:18

with a little girl who has no feet?

5:21

Would you like to know my

5:23

backstory?

5:23

Oh, yeah?

5:26

Oh,

5:27

thank you. Diddly, diddly,

5:29

diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly.

5:31

We're back in Victorian times,

5:34

and we see like cows in

5:36

dirt and stuff in the street. That's

5:39

Victorian, right? Get

5:42

out of the way, cow. Mer! Dancy,

5:45

why do you always yell at cow like that?

5:48

Because these cows don't speak English.

5:50

My word. Cow, get out of the way. All

5:53

I can see is your anus. Wow.

5:55

Boy, it's all we can ever see. Cow

5:58

anus is all the day long.

5:59

This is what happens when you're walking behind cows,

6:02

my dear. Uh, Daddy, I get

6:04

so sad walking behind the cows. Why,

6:06

my dear?

6:07

Because they don't like looking at birds.

6:09

But, my dear? Yeah? As a

6:12

family of the most successful cow herders

6:14

in this country, it is

6:16

your job to be around cows. You must get used to

6:18

the anus, my friend. What, Daddy?

6:21

You must get used to the anus, my friend. Daddy, what

6:23

are you saying at the end of that sentence? You've

6:25

got to get used to the

6:26

anus, my dear. Oh, that is what you

6:28

said, Daddy. Thank you for enunciating. Yes.

6:30

When you were five years old, what did I tell you? You

6:32

must get used to the anus. Used to the anus.

6:35

Did I tell you the penis today? Yes. Three

6:37

years later? No, two years later.

6:38

Yes, two years. Good math, Daddy.

6:41

Mm.

6:41

Oh, good to see the

6:43

girl family walking down

6:45

the street. Thank you for your

6:47

wonderful donation to the

6:50

orphanage, Mr. Girl. Hello,

6:54

orphanage keeper Stanley. Hello, you're welcome.

6:57

Oh, I'm pretty good. I just wanted to thank

6:59

you so much and your lovely family

7:01

for donating so much to children.

7:04

We'll have a fine Christmas

7:06

this year. Yes, the children will

7:08

have a fine Christmas this year. Mm.

7:11

Who's your friend? It's,

7:13

uh, you won't believe it. That was,

7:15

that's my twin. Oh, my God. Oh,

7:17

wow. The joke's on me then. I, you're literally...

7:20

Yeah, you look just alike.

7:22

Yeah, I said you're just alike. You're

7:24

just, you're such different, you...

7:27

Yeah. Yes.

7:29

Whoa, yes. So, I hope everything's

7:31

treating you well, dear friend. Oh, what

7:33

was that? Yeah. What was it treating you well, dear friend?

7:35

I don't know. Hope everything's treating you well, dear

7:37

friend. Fuck. Okay, God. It

7:40

is all right. Well, thank you. Thank you

7:42

for the donation. I've a good one. And remember,

7:45

if you ever want to donate more, we'd

7:48

be happy to take your little girl off

7:50

your hand. Oh, no, Daddy, please.

7:53

Hold on, let me unpack that a bit. What? What do

7:55

you mean?

7:56

If you ever want to donate more, you could

7:58

always

7:59

donate your little girl. Don't be

8:01

foolish, young man. I would never donate my daughter

8:03

for nothing. Nothing, I say. Unless

8:06

it's like, I don't

8:07

know. Not five million. If I may tempt

8:09

you. Why? For five million? Is that what you're saying?

8:12

That's it. We will give you your

8:14

money back just to have

8:17

your little girl in our orphanage. Okay.

8:19

I gave you all five million shillings. Are

8:21

you telling me you'll give me five million shillings back

8:23

for my daughter?

8:24

Yes. Would you give seven?

8:27

Oh. Oh no. Hold

8:29

on. The bank is calling. The bank is calling. And

8:31

there's a letter. The

8:33

bank is saying make the deal. Make the deal. Okay.

8:36

We're making the deal. Seven

8:38

million shillings for your daughter.

8:41

I'm sorry, my dear, but business is business,

8:43

my dear. Daddy. I'm my dear,

8:45

business is. Daddy. Go with us,

8:47

little girl. Come with us. Have

8:50

with us. Oh no. Have

8:52

with us. Okay. This

8:54

time, my dear, always remember this. Wine

8:57

first.

8:58

Hot. And

9:02

that's my back story. Oh my

9:05

God. That's so sad. Yeah.

9:07

I haven't gotten to the part about my death

9:09

or how I lost my feet yet. Oh, let's go back.

9:12

Oh

9:15

no. You're cutting off my feet. Yes.

9:17

We love little kids' feet.

9:20

We sell them to kings around

9:22

the world. Yes. The other children

9:25

must eat. And your feet

9:27

will be perfect for them as well. Wait.

9:29

You're going to give a foot to a king and then another

9:31

foot to the children? We

9:33

cut to a kingdom in Germany. Sprechen

9:36

sie deutsch. My

9:38

queen and I are happy that you brought this

9:40

fit for us. Sprechen sie deutsch. Oh yes. It's

9:43

a wonderful little foot from

9:45

a seven-year-old girl. Sprechen

9:48

sie deutsch. Yes, from the girl family.

9:51

Sprechen sie deutsch. Sprechen sie deutsch. My

9:53

wife is very proud of our country.

9:55

She literally only says I speak

9:57

German. I've read all of the books.

10:00

It's just Let

10:03

us see those feet and taste them of course

10:06

of course now you get to choose.

10:08

Oh, here's the right foot You'll

10:15

notice like she likes notes of fungus

10:18

notes of decay and

10:21

just an aftertaste

10:23

of

10:24

mold Disgusting

10:26

exact reason why we love it. Yeah, I'm

10:29

British It's a long

10:31

story. I married into a German family

10:33

and you know It's

10:37

fine don't worry is it a story

10:39

worth hearing about or just yeah My

10:44

dear I love you I want to marry into your family

10:47

but he can see do it okay, but

10:49

well we'll get started

10:50

So

10:53

which foot do you want

10:55

do it Oh

11:04

How'd you die oh I

11:06

bled out oh Okay,

11:09

it's so sad I'm so sorry and

11:11

now you have to haunt the grounds of this cemetery.

11:14

Yes looking for the perfect seat for

11:16

me to take Babe

11:20

you got awesome feet. I've been looking

11:22

at them toes No, you don't want

11:24

my feet, but look at how you're wiggling them.

11:27

No, I'm flat-footed my feet suck I don't

11:30

know those arches look delicious

11:32

What? Still

11:33

don't let me have my feet.

11:36

I gotta get out of here. No scary

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12:18

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12:50

Suddenly the girlfriend starts running and

12:53

running and running and in the darkness trying

12:55

to hide from little girl now

12:57

hiding behind a mausoleum and

12:59

we see moonlight shining and

13:02

we hear little girls creepy footsteps

13:05

kind of like. We

13:05

can't see her feet, but we

13:09

can hear them.

13:12

And the girlfriend is hiding,

13:15

starting slowly trying to get away until

13:17

she steps on a branch. Fuck,

13:19

fuck.

13:22

I see you. I see you, Margo. I see

13:24

you. I see you. I see you. No, no,

13:26

no. Oh, fuck. I see you. No,

13:28

fuck. She runs. She's running and she

13:33

tries to hide in a little

13:34

lake. She's in a little pond.

13:37

And she tries to put herself under

13:39

the pond to hide from the girl. Hey,

13:43

kid, what are you doing here? It's

13:45

after hours. Okay.

13:48

Shut up. What?

13:50

Shut up. What? This little Victorian girl who

13:53

wants my feet. A Victorian girl

13:55

that wants your feet? All right, you little drug

13:57

addict. Get out of that water. This is a respectful

13:59

cemetery. No, Mr.

14:01

Fercafetti, please. Well, how do you know my name, you

14:04

little spi- Well, I know that

14:06

this is McCaffrey's cemetery, but yes,

14:08

I am him. Mr. Fercafetti,

14:09

you don't understand. I'm being haunted

14:11

by a little girl, look, she's

14:12

right.

14:14

There's nothing over there. You must

14:16

be an absolute heron addict. I

14:18

want you out of my cemetery. Mr. Fercafetti,

14:21

okay, I'll get out. Will you

14:23

give me a ride home?

14:25

Yeah, okay. Let's

14:27

go, kid.

14:28

By the way, what was that thing you're saying

14:31

about the little girl? The only little girl that's

14:33

been set to haunt here is one that was foretold

14:35

in a prophet years ago. Yeah, it's her.

14:38

Okay, all right. That's what I'm saying, it's totally her. I

14:40

haven't seen it, it's just your fitness- No, you

14:42

seem to know a lot about it. Well, yeah, I own

14:44

this cemetery. I know every single little,

14:46

like, paranormal stories I've been told

14:48

around here. And I'm telling you, they're all

14:50

silly bunch of fuddydoody. Yeah? You're

14:53

right. I guess I'm being a little bit- Oh

14:56

my God! Whoa! Wait, why

14:57

is your liver coming out of your mouth? It's

15:00

disgusting! Oh no, that's

15:02

the wrong thing.

15:02

Oh, wait- Oh, wait, what are

15:04

the- I spit out my liver. She wants my feet.

15:07

Yeah, I tried to get to him. Oh my God!

15:09

Oh

15:11

no, that's the wrong thing too. The prophecy! The

15:14

prophecy that was foretold was true! Oh

15:16

no, it's the shoulder. Wait, what's happening?

15:18

I can't understand what's happening. What are you sucking out

15:20

before that man? Spitting outside, every one of them. The shoulder?

15:24

Oh no, that's a hit. We cut to the police

15:26

station the next day.

15:27

Alright,

15:29

you creep. How are you

15:32

gonna explain your way out of this? We

15:34

found you as a young lady who

15:37

spit out all of her insides? Yeah.

15:41

Look, I know that it sounds

15:43

crazy, but I'm telling you, it was

15:45

the prophecy, the prophecy of the little girl

15:47

who's coming back looking for her feet, I tell you. The prophecy! Listen

15:52

to me, I'm not a religious man and I don't believe in fairy tales, but

15:54

I believe in the little girl who's looking for feet.

15:57

You believe in a little girl who's looking for feet? We're

15:59

too grizzly! police officers we

16:01

have seen heard it all we see

16:03

everything brain splattered

16:06

on the ceiling after our partners

16:09

took their lives everybody

16:11

keeps killing themselves yeah and so

16:13

they're like well we're gonna partner you do up your

16:16

partners keep fucking killing themselves

16:19

so now we're a reason to partner you

16:21

guys up well we're the ones not killing

16:23

ourselves no I understand but it's like survive

16:25

the test of time so you have multiple

16:28

partners each who have killed themselves yeah

16:31

I would start investigating what it is that's that's

16:33

happening between you and your partners well

16:36

I'm pretty annoying

16:37

me too

16:39

listen we I won't talk anyone told my

16:41

lawyer comes here okay I demand my lawyer

17:01

okay I'm sorry to understand what's happening

17:04

I can see what was going on with your partners look

17:07

I want my lawyer or I'm gonna call a lawyer

17:10

I guess mr. McCafferty

17:12

yes you requested me oh

17:16

I usually deal with your dad hi hi hi may

17:19

I have private counsel you're

17:22

not supposed to do that

17:24

what do you are you doing

17:29

what we're just the offices of the love

17:31

maintain in law yeah you're

17:34

so annoying

17:39

are you eating a sandwich together what

17:41

are you doing we're on

17:44

the other side and you

17:46

munch in the middle and like kiss

17:48

no no no no no no no

17:50

no if you

17:54

say that you should put your penis away you can't

17:57

say that do

18:00

do do do do do do do do no

18:02

more no no don't under for why that

18:04

phrase yeah hey look

18:07

if you don't mind I have to talk to my lawyer oh

18:09

yeah yeah thank

18:12

you this is unacceptable this is a stomach

18:14

failure you know don't worry we're gonna get

18:16

you out of this this is absolutely absurd

18:18

I don't know what happened at the scene but there's no

18:21

proof they can't hold you listen kid can

18:23

I tell you something as my lawyer and

18:25

as a son of my lawyer

18:27

I guess I guess you can tell

18:29

me and but you can just call me

18:31

your lawyer that's my lawyer you making me feel like

18:34

so self no no no no no no I'm

18:36

sorry it's just them have

18:38

you ever heard of the prophecy of the grill with no feet gold

18:42

you hate of course I have

18:45

what

18:45

if I told you that I saw

18:47

the grill with no feet with my own eyes I

18:50

told you I know how to stop this I'd

18:54

say you were probably being a

18:56

dick and fucking around with me well

18:58

like even though I'm being vulnerable honest

19:00

with you

19:01

no I'm serious what

19:03

my house shares a boundary with the cemetery

19:05

the ye old mr. per cavity

19:07

cemetery yes

19:09

you're right you're right I should have thought

19:11

about you you're literally your house is literally connected

19:13

to my business I used to as a kid

19:16

playing the cemetery all the time messing

19:18

around

19:19

one time I came across a

19:22

ancient text you

19:25

didn't read it did you I read

19:27

it the evil can only be undone

19:29

with one true slut

19:35

so disgusting

19:37

thank you for a person that curse hold

19:39

on a lot like meaning like someone that you

19:41

would look at sort of like a traditionally like promiscuous

19:44

woman sort of but we don't mean

19:46

or man right but no but oh my god

19:49

mr. for do you I'm a man

19:51

I'm 86 when I was growing up only

19:53

women were sluts and men

19:56

were absolutely you define it

19:58

you don't you don't view men who

19:59

or the CVSS slots. No, I view

20:03

them as good old wholesome men.

20:06

Look, listen, I'm telling you, I

20:08

feel crazy, but I still have

20:10

the text. Look right here. The

20:13

curse of a little girl can only be done with

20:15

a slut true and pure. A

20:18

slut with evil intentions. Wait,

20:20

that's a slut with good intentions then. Exactly.

20:23

Right. Exactly. All this time,

20:25

I thought that sluts had bad intentions. Now I

20:27

realize that I was a slut.

20:30

Do you know how much dick I sucked when I was

20:32

young? Do you know how, no, I was just telling

20:34

you, I'm feeling vulnerable enough, so I'm telling you. We

20:37

grew up in a community where

20:38

that's not acceptable, but do you know how much

20:40

dick I sucked? And now I realize I

20:43

was the idiot for hiding it for all those years.

20:45

So all those years you were sucking dick, you were

20:47

like, oh, this isn't. You were

20:49

like, oh, this isn't sexual or just, you know,

20:54

just, you know, good old hard days

20:57

work for me. It was a fluffer on a porn

20:59

site, at a very old porn site. I'm

21:01

getting a little ahead of myself. Listen, if

21:04

this legend is true,

21:05

then maybe you're the cemetery slut who can break

21:07

this curse.

21:09

All these years I was a fool. All right,

21:12

I'll do anything it takes to break this curse. It's

21:14

gonna take a lot of dick sucking. Been there

21:17

done that. Titty licking. Titty licking, I

21:19

don't know. Clit chewing. Chewing

21:21

on clits? I mean,

21:23

if it warrants it, sure. I mean, when I was growing

21:25

up, clits didn't exist.

21:27

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

21:29

What? Yeah, we thought

21:31

it was a myth because none of us men were able to

21:33

actually pleasure a woman. We assumed that there's

21:36

no clitoris to pleasure. If

21:38

it was, we'd be able to do it. We're men. And

21:40

this is America.

21:42

That all perfectly checked out.

21:44

Football and drinks. Shooting

21:46

guns and ball drinks

21:48

with football. We think it's

21:50

for Daphne. Yes. I think we're gonna have

21:52

to do this if you can't tell the cops our plan. No,

21:55

I won't. So you're

21:57

gonna have to wait here and I'm gonna break you out

21:59

of here tonight.

21:59

Hey, do you hear me? Are

22:02

you sure you're gonna be okay?

22:04

I'll be okay.

22:12

Oh, watch your step. Wow, your attic

22:15

is so dark. Dark? I know,

22:17

right? It's the perfect place to dream horror

22:19

movies. FLEE-ME!

22:22

What movie is that? I haven't pressed

22:24

play yet. AHHHHHHH!

22:26

AT&T Fiber with All-Five covers your whole house,

22:29

even your really, really creepy attic turns

22:31

home theater. Jimmy, what have I told

22:33

you about skipping? Get

22:35

AT&T Fiber with All-Five and live like a

22:38

gillionaire. Limited availability covers

22:40

may require extenders at additional charge.

22:47

We've got the night time.

22:48

AHHHHHHH! I

22:53

got us some wings! Aw

22:55

shit, I love a wing! Ooh,

22:57

slathered

22:58

in south. Ooh, yeah,

23:00

I love south. Ooh,

23:02

alright prisoner. I

23:05

won prisoner for tonight.

23:07

Yes? Be cool, man. Be cool,

23:09

we're gonna eat these wings and you're not gonna get

23:11

any.

23:12

No, that's fine. I'm just

23:14

here, officers, don't worry about me. Alright,

23:17

that's right. Okay.

23:20

Na na na na na na na

23:22

na. That is

23:24

so... I

23:26

could totally see why someone's doing

23:28

themselves just being around. Hey! Hey!

23:32

Come on! Come on! How

23:34

do we go about doing? Hey!

23:36

Hey! You don't

23:38

see that annoying? Hey!

23:41

Hey!

23:41

Come on! Like the repetitive thing, you don't see how

23:43

annoying that is, and how annoying it's

23:45

like, you both have zero charisma. Okay,

23:48

whatever. Ho

23:51

ho ho! What are you doing?

23:54

This

23:55

is gonna work. Ho

23:57

ho ho! Oh,

23:58

oh, oh, wait!

23:59

Is Santa here? It's Santa.

24:02

It's me,

24:02

Santa. Uh, Santa,

24:05

what are you doing here? It's April. Exactly.

24:08

I need help with my toys.

24:11

Whoa! What

24:14

are you doing here? I was wondering

24:17

if I could borrow this old

24:19

man to help make my

24:21

toys. Uh,

24:24

I mean, if you really need help,

24:26

Santa,

24:27

yes. Yeah, but you're gonna save

24:29

Christmas, of course. Yeah,

24:31

keep it up.

24:32

You've been very good

24:34

this year, and if you let me take him, you

24:36

can get anything you want on your list.

24:38

Whoa! Anything?

24:42

That's

24:42

so fucking annoying. Straight up. Oh

24:45

yeah, anything. Yeah, anything. What

24:47

about some binoculars? Yeah!

24:50

What about bringing my wife back from the

24:52

dead? Yeah. Yup! You

24:55

can get anything. Whoa! You

24:57

last one, too? No,

24:59

I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. Wow, Santa, that's

25:01

great.

25:02

Yeah! But you gotta

25:04

let me take him! Okay!

25:07

Oh, okay!

25:08

Gingle, jangle, those are my keys. I'm

25:10

opening the door. Okay,

25:14

uh, is it this key? Uh, no. Is

25:16

it this key? We gotta line it up. Oh, that's

25:18

a bone. That's a bone. You can see

25:20

that. That is a bone. That's a bone.

25:23

Okay, uh, this one. That's an EpiPen. That's

25:25

an EpiPen in case I go into,

25:28

uh, anaphylactic

25:31

shock. Okay. That's a string cheese.

25:33

What are you doing? Uh, that's a

25:35

snack for later. Okay, um... That's

25:39

a very thin piece of spam. Yes! Yummy!

25:42

Oh, I get it. It goes with a cheese, right? Yeah,

25:44

sandwich. Okay, uh, is this the key?

25:47

That's a mouse! Oh, no! That's

25:50

my pet! Is this the key? That's a keyboard mouse!

25:52

Oh, no! That keeps my mouse

25:55

company! Is this a key? That's a tie,

25:57

I don't know. Ah, that's for

25:59

my headache! Is this a wig?

26:01

Oh, yeah, because sometimes I go

26:03

undercover as a drag queen name of Kim

26:07

Wait a second

26:10

What I hooked up

26:12

with Kim

26:13

That was you all along.

26:15

It's not gay if you're wearing a wig

26:22

Come here they're gonna keep talking like morons Oh

26:28

no, where did he go?

26:31

I don't know it's interesting they didn't need my

26:33

key And suddenly

26:35

we now see mr. Fercavity and

26:37

the lawyer running towards the cemetery

26:40

And we see them getting deeper

26:42

and deeper fog is descending upon

26:44

the cemetery They're going to

26:46

a clearing. They're searching the gravestones. Oh

26:50

Oh my god. Oh god.

26:52

Don't worry Yeah

26:54

with a crow okay,

26:57

you're a chip off your block you don't That's

27:01

a duck that's out at night for some reason Okay,

27:05

I think we're close to finding little girls That's

27:09

a emu there's a zoo next

27:11

door sometimes they get in here

27:16

That's a cow wolf it's just sort of like

27:18

there's a experimental lab down the street where

27:20

they're trying to mold different DNA Anyway,

27:24

so

27:25

this is it. This is a little girls

27:27

gravestone Little

27:30

girl died from no feet It

27:35

is really sad anytime something happens to a child a

27:38

young gidget said

27:39

We have to get this right. Okay, if we don't

27:42

get this right the curse will get even

27:44

worse What's the get this right part? You

27:46

have to be the biggest slut you've ever been I'll

27:50

do whatever I have to do to protect this

27:52

community and perhaps the human race

27:54

Hey, my name is Michael.

27:56

Yeah out that ad yeah, I invited

27:59

some guys I'm gonna

28:00

ask for what? For all of us. Yeah,

28:03

you're gonna...

28:04

because we have to break the curse. Oh,

28:06

that's cool. Michael, pull

28:09

out your dick and I'm gonna suck it. Because

28:11

nothing is more important at this moment than breaking this curse. Great,

28:13

great. I'm

28:15

gonna start reading from

28:17

the ancient text. Heads up, it's really little.

28:20

Man, wow, this is little and dry. It's

28:23

really dry, dude. It's really

28:25

dry. Be careful. I don't want it to like... chip off.

28:28

This is the worst eczema

28:30

I've ever seen and it's such bad that it's 100%. I'm

28:33

not even dermatologist, I can tell you

28:35

that's eczema, my friend. Whoa, shoot.

28:38

My God, your sack is like the part where you

28:40

like light a match on. Yeah,

28:43

I've started some fires in my pants. My

28:47

little wiener that's all dry in my

28:49

sack, rubbed together, then I lost my

28:51

pants. Let me go ahead and suck and see

28:53

what we can do. I will read from the ancient text. Go

28:56

ahead, kid. Domino Mas. Masde

28:58

De. Antorino

29:01

Denominé. Dambé.

29:04

Dobo. Destiny's

29:07

Child. Savannah

29:11

Georgia. Brian

29:15

McNythe.

29:16

Oh no! Oh no!

29:21

Oh, the graves are moving! I'm

29:24

waking up dead sluts from the graveyard.

29:27

I did the wrong text.

29:30

Hi baby. Hi

29:32

baby. Hi baby. Hi

29:36

baby. Hi baby.

29:40

Here's my place. Here's

29:42

my boat hole. Yeah, we got the right to vote and I'd

29:44

like you to munch on my clap.

29:46

I believe

29:48

in your right to vote. Let's

29:50

make out with them so they'll go away. I

29:53

don't want to win. I

29:55

was burned for being

29:56

a witch, but I was just

29:58

a slut. Get out of your

30:00

face!

30:00

Oh, it's me, Abraham

30:03

Lincoln! I was such

30:05

a fucking gay slut! Oh,

30:09

I'm here to get my four

30:11

score and seven inches sucked on!

30:13

Oh man,

30:15

see I, I, God, kids, what do I, what do

30:17

we do here? Do we suck everyone's dick? Ah,

30:19

we have to go nuts on these ancient dead

30:22

sluts! On the

30:24

count of three. On the count of eight. On

30:26

one, two,

30:26

three.

30:27

Oh,

30:30

I haddoseed this existential

30:45

, Oh,

30:50

I did it. With God's magic. Oh, that's so

30:52

nonsense. I singsEEEEEEEEEEE How

30:55

much more dick do we suck? What

30:57

the f- Oh my God, here comes

31:01

the biggest slut of them all. It's

31:03

meeee. The Titanic. It's the corpse of the Titanic.

31:06

The biggest slut of them all.

31:06

You know I tried to fuck

31:09

that iceberg in muh oh.

31:14

Yeah.

31:23

Oh, you ended up having a pretty weird hookup

31:25

that night. Yeah. I gotta

31:27

tell you, kid, this is truly the weirdest night of my

31:30

life. I know. Don't you

31:32

think I know that? What do we do? Well,

31:34

you know the Titanic loves to go down. So

31:37

let it go down on you. Come

31:39

on, baby. I'll do the best I can. I'm 69 with the

31:41

Titanic. The truth is, kid, the last time I got fucked

31:43

off was back in 1979 and it didn't work out so

31:47

well. Okay, I'm gonna

31:49

suck you off. Uh,

31:53

okay, no problem. We just finished roller

31:56

skating at the disco. Alright,

31:58

I'm gonna suck you off.

33:57

This

34:01

is bad. This

34:02

is really bad. Back in

34:04

time. This situation

34:07

got even worse. I

34:09

don't understand what happened. I tried to fucking

34:12

let the tiger suddenly

34:14

knob a bit. Oh boy. It's

34:16

okay. There's a way out of here. We

34:19

need to find little girl. Hello. Oh

34:22

wow, that was very easy. Thank god you're

34:23

here, little girl. I just heard my name and I said,

34:26

wow, somebody knows me.

34:27

Little girl. We come back in time

34:29

to somehow change the past in order to

34:32

change the future.

34:33

Oh,

34:34

that sounds nice.

34:36

Listen, this is a time where I have

34:38

feet before something trashes my ass.

34:40

That's what we're here for. Oh, okay. It's

34:43

like Groundhog's. No, actually, no, that's not... It's like

34:45

Back in the Future. Back in the future? Yeah. Back

34:48

in the future, there's going to be a film that I rather

34:50

call Back to the Future.

34:52

Well, that seems silly because you can't really go back

34:54

to the future.

34:55

I think that's sort of the play on words. It's kind

34:57

of like an ironic, fun thing.

34:59

Irony. You'll like it. Yeah,

35:01

I do. If you like it. If

35:03

you make it. You have a ghost in the future? I do. Yeah,

35:06

that kind of ruins days. Oh no.

35:09

I never want to ruin love. I have no feet.

35:11

In the future, but that's not going to happen. But I

35:13

have 10 toes now. And you're going to

35:16

keep those. That's why we're here. Okay. That's

35:19

why we're here. That's why you're going to keep your titties, mama.

35:21

You were involved in a horrible, horrible,

35:24

tragic thing that unleashed a curse upon

35:26

this town. Yes. I

35:28

never thought I'd amount to anything.

35:30

You're very important. And we

35:32

need your feet. Wait, you need

35:34

my feet?

35:36

There she is. Little girl.

35:39

Oh, God,

35:40

if I want to. Come on, little girl. Come on,

35:42

little girl. Here we go. Good job,

35:45

little girl. Good job,

35:45

little girl. Come on, put it in the same direction. Okay. Yeah.

35:49

Come with both of us in the same direction. They jump into like a little

35:51

like stable that's filled with like cows

35:54

and they like hide behind the cows.

35:57

Like slivers of light. It's spooky and dark.

36:00

They're trying their best not to make any noises

36:02

as this scary man tries

36:04

to find them. Where did you go? All I'm seeing

36:07

is cow anuses! Oh

36:10

no! I spent seven million

36:12

shillings on this little girl that ran

36:14

away! I'll

36:16

get you!

36:17

Oh, that was

36:20

scary. That was

36:22

so close. Oh my god. Listen,

36:25

I know this sounds crazy little girl but we

36:27

have to break this curse by reading from this

36:29

ancient text and holding your feet.

36:32

Okay. Yes. I mean that's gonna

36:34

be easier than the first way we did it which

36:37

was just like me servicing like

36:39

a non-stop

36:40

group of people. I don't

36:43

think we should tell her about it. You

36:45

don't need to understand it. This is totally,

36:47

that's fine. What you should understand is that I

36:50

used to be a sexist

36:51

and I was an ignorant old man but

36:53

I've learned my ways now and I realized that sex

36:56

shaming and being a sexist is

36:58

not fucking cool. Oh, okay.

37:01

I'm seven. I'll take that

37:03

with me. I'll put it in my pocket and use it later.

37:05

No, you won't because you're gonna literally die

37:07

technically in like what?

37:09

That's

37:09

pretty soon, right? She looks, I mean

37:11

she's wearing the dress that she's a ghost in

37:14

so like... Oh my god! This is so bad! I

37:16

don't think she has to die. No, no, no.

37:18

I'm just saying like theoretically if we didn't come back

37:20

to help her, she would be dead. Oh no! All

37:24

we have to do now is let us hold your feet.

37:26

Hold my feet? You've been saying inappropriate

37:28

things and now you want to hold my feet?

37:29

It's not like that. I think that's your

37:32

issue. We have to read from this book. From

37:34

a book? I can't read. No, we'll read

37:36

it. Okay, we'll read it. Yes, we can both read. Alright, well I

37:38

guess here are my tootsies. Alright.

37:41

Just so remember this is not like a weird, this is something

37:43

we have to do. I don't know.

37:44

My dad just sold me for seven million?

37:47

Shillings, I think. Adults

37:49

make some questionable choices and I guess

37:51

I just gotta go along with it. I think that's

37:53

what all kids have to go through. If you really think about

37:55

it, we have no agency.

37:57

Oh, sorry little girl. It's okay. I'm

37:59

gonna look and- the barn again!

38:01

Oh! Oh, shit! Quickly! I'll be there! Why? Why

38:03

are you-? He's the second! What

38:06

evidence did he have that he needed to come back to the barn? I

38:08

don't know! I don't know! Leave

38:10

him in the bucket! Tori

38:12

Amos, Sun

38:15

Castle, Majesties,

38:19

Springs. Sounds

38:20

like you can't read good either.

38:21

Give

38:24

me that,

38:24

kids. Let me- Jimmy Fallon. Mrs.

38:26

Operopanis, Jimmy

38:29

Fallon, Encyclopedia

38:31

Britannica,

38:33

Wells Fargo, Grandg

38:48

But suddenly the attorney is no

38:51

longer there. What's Junior?

38:53

Next to Little Girl there's another grave stone.

38:55

That says attorney. John

38:58

Attorney dies doing the

39:00

right thing and it wasn't weird that

39:03

he was touching a girl's feet.

39:06

My God. Poor Junior. And

39:08

what a fucking crazy ass thing

39:10

to say on your grave. Oh!

39:13

I have my feet! Oh

39:15

my God! Congratulations, Little Girl! Thank

39:17

you!

39:18

I can now go to the afterlife,

39:21

pleasantly. Wait.

39:23

But it's like, what sucks is like, you didn't

39:25

even need your feet in the afterlife.

39:27

But

39:28

now Junior's gone.

39:29

Um. Not to make you feel guilty but- Little Girl!

39:32

Uh-huh. Over here! God!

39:35

No! It's

39:38

us! All the officers who

39:40

killed themselves should get away-

39:43

Aaaang! We had to get away from those fucking

39:46

annoying cops! I used my

39:48

net time! I

39:50

went underwater for a long time. I

39:53

drank Drano. Oh no!

39:56

A lot of it. Come

39:58

with us! Come with us! More of us. I,

40:01

I, now I killed myself.

40:04

I did the thing where you put your car in a garage

40:06

and like the fumes get you. That's

40:09

what I did. Oh

40:10

me, I was skydiving

40:13

without a parachute.

40:14

Oh

40:16

me next. I ate

40:18

like a pound of

40:20

opium

40:21

and went swimming in my neighbor's

40:23

house. I put a

40:25

little bit of hair on my body and

40:27

then I found bears and they killed

40:30

me. Oh.

40:32

Come plus. You know what?

40:34

Honestly, you guys seem like the best

40:36

case scenario for me. Every

40:38

other adult is pretty bad and I'm

40:41

ready to cross over with a bunch of nice

40:43

dead officers because moral is

40:46

officers are the best.

40:47

Oh my God. Cause we're

40:48

so scared. Bye. Bye. Bye.

40:52

Bye. Bye.

40:54

We see slowly into the sunlight.

40:57

They walk off and disappear and

40:59

Mr. McCafferty is there alone

41:02

saying a goodbye to little girl and

41:05

John attorney. Well,

41:07

little girl and little John attorney's

41:09

grave. I just want to

41:11

say that you all changed my life. I

41:14

was a miserable old man, but now I'm

41:17

a good man. I hope. I

41:19

don't know. I haven't slept in a couple of days. I feel

41:21

ill to be honest.

41:24

A heart comes out from the cemetery

41:26

ground and impales him.

41:32

Take care of yourself, little girl. The

41:36

credits are rolling.

41:38

Sematary

41:38

slide. Rock

41:41

and roll music plays.

41:44

Yeah.

41:44

Yeah. We did it.

41:47

That was

41:49

cemetery

41:49

slide. Oh yeah. How

41:51

fun. How

41:53

sick are we?

41:56

We did good. I'm proud of that. I'd

41:59

watch that.

41:59

I think it'd be really fun.

42:02

Yeah, I had such a nice time could

42:04

any of us seen where that would have taken us No,

42:06

no one bit. Thank you so

42:08

much

42:11

We

42:14

love you as you know, I'm on a gapian

42:17

I'm Betsy Sedaro and our

42:19

amazing performers joining us are

42:21

Nicole buyer

42:22

and

42:23

pie on benefits

42:24

Tell us

42:25

where we can find you guys on the internet.

42:28

I'm on Instagram at PB and a PB

42:30

and I whoo

42:35

So

42:40

much for starring in cemetery,

42:42

thank you I hope this gets made Well

42:47

till next time stay too spooky

42:50

to hand

42:55

Cemstanding conronic

43:14

ha

43:25

ha ha Our

43:27

audio engineer is Alex Consoletus

43:30

and our internist Phoebe

43:33

Cepstines sing song by

43:35

Cathy Perkins Follow and

43:38

subscribe The year will

43:40

present the year new shows by

43:42

your favorite comedian yee

43:45

hee hee

43:51

Thanks for listening everybody if you made

43:53

it all the way to the end you're a beautiful person

43:56

if you're not hearing this voice go

43:58

to hell Earwolf Presents is produced

44:00

by Earwolf, Amelia Capilou,

44:03

and Cody Fisher. And of course, podcast

44:05

daddy Colin Anderson himself. The

44:08

Earwolf Presents series is hosted by the one

44:10

and only myself, Jockeys Neal, and

44:12

our theme music was engineered and sung

44:15

by the amazing Jordan Duffy. Special

44:18

thanks and shout outs to Jeff Gross and Aaron

44:20

Nestor. And for more information on Earwolf

44:22

Presents, visit Earwolf.com

44:25

and follow us at Earwolf on all

44:27

social platforms. Howl.

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