0:00

Hello! And welcome to the Empower Couples

0:02

podcast were here! You get modern, non boring

0:05

relationship advice for you and your partner to

0:07

communicate like prose, bite smarter and stand the

0:09

same team no matter the challenges you face.

0:11

I am one of your host air and.

0:14

And I'm Jocelyn Freeman. but you aren't as nice as

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a feminist. Welcome This episode

0:18

about issues with in Los.

0:20

Oh the in lines and this has

0:23

come up white a bad. Way to

0:25

say oh the in. Our sorry you're

0:27

right the Well actually we

0:29

love our families. This is

0:31

not about us bashing our

0:33

families. However, this topic. Has.

0:36

Been a source of conflict

0:38

or tension or just frustration.

0:40

Not. Only in multiple sessions with couples

0:42

are private clients in the last couple

0:44

weeks and I think part of that

0:47

is that there's been like spring break

0:49

and some travel and seen families and

0:51

things like that. It's also come up

0:53

with friends not going to name anyone

0:55

personally. As. Well, as we

0:57

have had our fair share of navigating some

0:59

different family members, we've course want to keep

1:01

you know their information private, not give way

1:04

too much. but we have. Now listen to

1:06

about guess. Some of

1:08

them do, but we have had

1:10

our challenges and and different dynamics

1:12

and it's very real that we.

1:15

Have. Had to make sure we are

1:17

on the same team. You.

1:19

And I that you and I are

1:21

rock solid because obviously our extended family

1:23

and this can also include friends. In

1:25

some ways, you can think about that

1:28

throughout the episode, but our family. We.

1:30

Obviously have a strong emotional tied to them.

1:32

We care about them. We want our families

1:34

to be united. Think about what you probably

1:37

dreamed of when the to have you got

1:39

together was all would have our families like

1:41

hang out and know I can't wait to

1:43

go visit your family there in here. Also

1:45

it does get complicated when they live with.

1:48

Live. Close to you to raise. so

1:50

think about that as your family far

1:52

from you like. We have to fly

1:54

to most of our family. Or

1:57

do they live down the street and you see them multiple

1:59

times a week then working. Get into a lot

2:01

of those nuances and I. Had a

2:03

mission. Guys are united team of a term. In

2:05

law those kind of a social

2:07

full power for a negative connotation

2:09

written. It is interesting from

2:12

a social psychology perspective. And

2:14

of course you want to start to really break this down.

2:17

Is that? You. Actually

2:19

have group membership. In

2:22

two groups. And.

2:24

Those two groups are going to have a

2:26

lot of overlap and are going to be

2:28

integrated into sort of you know, want them

2:30

to. Be. Able to combine.

2:34

And. So you have your immediate family and

2:36

then the extended family been the two

2:38

groups of social group membership and. Both.

2:41

You want to belong to? And.

2:44

There's a lot of influence right in

2:46

your. With. Now your extended

2:48

family, which was your primary caregiver

2:50

family, right? Lot of your Tesla

2:53

style. Lot of your initial worldview

2:55

does come from. That. Family in

2:57

the culture that you grew up in. And.

3:00

Again, you want to continue membership in both.

3:03

And the when I'm alone? Yeah, but things

3:05

will come up as you grow older. you

3:07

get to become an adult. You know, sometimes

3:09

in a broader scope of social psychology you

3:12

will run into times where. You.

3:14

Will have cognitive dissonance. Because.

3:17

There's a lot of influence of social

3:19

groups. In. Our lives like it's probably

3:21

the biggest thing for a human. And.

3:25

Many. Times you just want

3:27

to stay. Belonging.

3:29

In That group. So. Many.

3:31

Times even if there is a decision being

3:33

made by the group, That. You

3:36

don't necessarily agree with you go along

3:38

with it. This is for any group.

3:40

Now they're does get to the point

3:42

where what does cause someone to leave

3:44

a group in a even care about

3:46

group membership anymore is when the core

3:48

beliefs of. The. Group

3:50

change and they. Do.

3:53

Not align with yours at all. You could

3:55

say they're even violated. Mia. So.

3:58

we're not saying that you're in a place like at

4:00

all, we're just saying, think of these

4:02

two social groups that one you belong

4:04

to wholeheartedly, that when you were a

4:06

kid, that was the place

4:08

for safety and security. A lot of the

4:10

things that you do nowadays were modeled from

4:13

them. And then you get into this new

4:15

group of your spouse and then any kids

4:17

that you have. You bring up

4:19

a good point. And while we want

4:21

to belong, and of course you have

4:24

those dreams of having your both your

4:26

families united and you enjoy spending time

4:28

with them, you want to make sure

4:30

that no matter what you encounter with

4:32

those family members, you too stay a

4:34

united team. Because if you

4:36

think about it, when you two decide to

4:38

get married, you actually start a new family.

4:40

You're still an extension of the two families

4:43

that you come from. But at

4:45

least the way we view it is that we

4:47

have now started a new family. Our

4:49

family of three plus our dog right now,

4:51

maybe more in the future. And

4:54

we want to discover what's important to

4:56

us, what our values are. And one

4:58

of the points that we have here

5:01

that it's important to realize is that

5:03

your family also comes from a totally

5:05

different background, maybe different cultures, different ways

5:08

of thinking. Like if you think about

5:10

every single generation, there's groupthink.

5:13

And there's different ways that they see

5:15

the world and there's different propaganda that's

5:17

influenced them. And there's different cultural norms.

5:19

Like, Oh, besides that, even

5:21

just events. I mean, grandparents in

5:25

a depression to world wars

5:27

to coming out and

5:30

reestablishing the family after going off

5:32

to war to, here we are,

5:34

maybe we didn't have that many external

5:36

things. But you could say in the

5:38

past three years, like those that are of

5:42

the millennial generation are now starting to

5:44

have maybe some more external things come

5:46

up. I mean, technology has had a

5:48

big influence. In fact, you can

5:50

communicate with people around the world. That's sort

5:52

of a positive and a negative thing. It

5:55

is that we're going to be adjusting our own

5:58

worldview and values. As.

6:01

We grow into adults and so

6:03

you're gonna start to hold to

6:05

those for your immediate family. And

6:08

to there's going to be some

6:11

difference between that and. Your.

6:13

Primary Us and a family which my be your

6:15

parents and then siblings and then aunts and uncles.

6:18

As you said to go further is going to

6:20

be some similarity as the culture they as the

6:22

same but. Yeah. You just have to

6:24

accept that there's going to be changes and revisions to

6:26

your own. Value. System that is

6:28

going to be at least a little

6:31

different and. The implications of that? if

6:33

you're like okay Siemens I get

6:35

a different generations, different cultures, different

6:37

ways of thinking. Okay, I noticed

6:39

that the implications are that number

6:41

one. We say this is something

6:43

in really important to us and

6:45

we see for our clients that

6:47

you don't go to your family

6:49

and gossip. About. Each other that

6:51

your family should be the safe spaces they

6:53

should be. The encouraging thesis stickers anything about

6:56

this is Aaron where to go and how

6:58

his mom you know because if they were

7:00

at that level of closeness were like oh

7:02

hey I do on in the they talked

7:04

more often to some people talk their parents.

7:07

Very. Often some daily, some multiple

7:09

times. Everyone has different level closeness.

7:11

That. If you were gossiping or like just

7:13

telling all yeah, we got into the saying

7:15

all Jocelyn, Vanessa that skill just because you

7:18

related to her as someone events you in,

7:20

Talk To a threat. Term. Yeah. even venting.

7:22

yes I like it will. Ah yes, now they're

7:24

really talking bad and I know you are thing

7:26

that. But even just getting down to. This.

7:29

Is someone that you would normally been to?

7:31

Re. And so if you, even if

7:33

you view them that way, the thing

7:36

is that everything you say to your

7:38

partner not only affects how your family

7:40

sees your partner which is important You

7:42

want them to have a positive perception

7:44

of your partner, but is your partner

7:47

than knows what you're saying? Are they

7:49

gonna feel super comfortable at the holiday

7:51

gatherings and the time the all go

7:53

on trips together? Know. They're

7:56

going to be like wow I mean I hear this from

7:58

people all the time to say I feel like they. the

8:00

worst view of me because my partner tells me, you

8:02

know, tells them about me doing this and that. So

8:05

that's rule number one that we think is

8:07

really important. Again, you want your families to

8:09

be the safe space, the encouraging

8:12

space, and that you get

8:14

to both feel loved in those environments

8:16

rather than, oh, they're judging me. Oh,

8:18

they think I'm the bad one. That's

8:20

not a territory you want to get into. The

8:23

next thing would be second

8:25

to the like venting or gossiping

8:27

is actually be very discerning about

8:29

going to them for marriage advice

8:33

for the reasons we already mentioned, but also

8:35

because of the fact that they are so

8:37

different. And the advice that you're

8:40

going to get from those generations, while there

8:42

may be some really great wisdom in there,

8:44

it also might conflict with what you're focusing

8:46

on or learning now. You

8:49

know, when I, when I hear other people

8:51

give marriage advice, sometimes it's not the most

8:53

sound to be honest, you know, it might

8:55

have worked for them. And so

8:57

sure, go ahead and take that information in,

8:59

but sometimes it's not really coming

9:02

from like data or what actually works or

9:04

what, you know, I'll give you an example.

9:07

And we wrote this in the argument hangover, but

9:09

I'll never forget being at a friend's wedding and

9:12

everyone went to go around and share a piece

9:14

of marriage advice. And when it

9:16

got to their parents and grandparents, a

9:19

lot of the advice was within the theme

9:21

of like, Oh, pick your battles. And

9:24

you know, honey, you just have to know when to

9:26

like, you know, let that one go. And

9:28

while I get, I think

9:31

there's a real belief from those

9:33

situations where, you know, the other one

9:35

that they say, right is, Oh, happy

9:37

wife, happy life. Oh, that's like, Oh

9:40

gosh, that's, and here's the thing.

9:42

We're not saying that there's not some wisdom

9:44

in that, like definitely having discernment like our

9:46

past episode of what's a thing that you

9:48

know, what do you actually need to address?

9:51

What's an issue and what's just tension. But

9:54

In terms of the impact that that

9:56

generation or some of those generations have

9:58

had is actually. where they are we

10:00

hoping they don't talk about than they

10:02

brush them under the rug and it

10:04

leads to feeling disconnected or resentment or

10:06

it conflict. So sometimes advice no matter

10:08

what generation it comes from for you

10:10

could ask. Someone. Same age group

10:12

as you you ask, your cousin. you

10:15

know someone like that. It might not

10:17

be the most sound wisdom though. You

10:19

know it's coming from their experiences, coming

10:21

from their worldview. Your. And

10:23

none of the. Really

10:25

particularly wrong You said the think about

10:27

where we are now. it's we Always.

10:30

Actually, we are reading this thing about intelligence, right?

10:33

and. What? Was it a

10:35

zero point? three? Increase.

10:37

Every year and people like you

10:39

get like for almost it as

10:41

long as I had like a

10:43

young and so. Will. As

10:45

from technology are learning and I know there's no

10:47

so on the other the whole of her whole

10:50

other part. From. Like a

10:52

world economic perspective, it's like we really

10:54

don't learn Fsm, but. Anyway,

10:56

There's this uptick in our intelligence

10:58

every generation, and so. New.

11:01

Knowledge and changing of

11:03

values. You. Have to

11:05

take that into consideration, so it's not any

11:07

of that was necessarily wrong. but. Let's.

11:09

Say our parents or grandparents were really

11:12

about. Creating. This home

11:14

stability and to do

11:16

that was. Just. Going to

11:18

get a job in. A very

11:20

traditional way of looking at family.

11:22

A marriage that the husband work

11:25

in. In the the why even of

11:27

in the home and have kids and raise them. Which

11:29

is for some the say circumstances that

11:31

a lot of families today are both.

11:34

Parents working or is yeah changed a

11:36

lot. So. It's just this

11:38

model love, traditional to conventional to

11:40

wear. A lot of people are

11:43

now is the equipped equalitarian focus

11:45

of marriage right? Worth Much more

11:47

balanced. It's. Based on. Emotional.

11:50

Regulation Partnership is based on partnership

11:52

is based on proactive communication about

11:55

needs, even if those are hard,

11:57

even if. Show. your children

11:59

that you are going to have conflict.

12:01

So all of these things are

12:04

not necessarily how previous generations were

12:06

focused on or viewing raising

12:08

a family. The next point I want to

12:10

get to comes from we actually put up

12:12

a reel about this and it really got

12:14

some traction and clearly quote unquote an issue.

12:17

So in the reel, we act out

12:19

where we're leaving one of the in-laws,

12:21

Aaron's parents in the video. And

12:23

he's like, okay, we got to go. Jocelyn says we

12:25

have to leave because of nap time. And he says

12:27

it in a really humorous way. You're acting with great

12:29

knit and basically throws me under

12:32

the bus and makes me look like the

12:34

bad guy. And there were so many comments,

12:36

even a lot of comments of people going,

12:38

this is one of the reasons we

12:40

got divorced. So if that gives you

12:42

any signal of how important this is, that's

12:44

obviously the more of the extreme view. But what you

12:48

present to your family, whether it

12:50

be a decision about your parenting,

12:52

when you need to go, something

12:55

you're doing with your finances, a job decision,

12:57

something going on in your marriage, whatever it

13:00

is, whatever you're presenting to your family, we

13:02

believe should be presented as a team. And

13:06

of course, we're not saying, oh, lie about

13:08

something, you know, which you shouldn't be lying

13:10

in the first place because someone even commented

13:12

that well, what if it's not true? What

13:14

if we didn't make the decision together? Well,

13:16

then you didn't communicate beforehand. Yeah,

13:18

then it was really a breakdown in that

13:21

you two did not proactively communicate and get

13:23

on the same page and come to a

13:25

mutual decision. And that would be a dysfunction

13:27

in your communication. Sorry, just to

13:29

put it out straight, right? So if

13:31

you communicate proactively, and we talk about

13:34

that in our resources and our episodes

13:36

about being proactive in your communication, then

13:38

you would address those things before you

13:40

even go to their house or you

13:42

go on the trip with them, you

13:45

know, hey, how do we want to handle this? And

13:48

at times, it might be like 7030, like it goes 70% my way, 30%

13:50

yours. Sometimes

13:54

we give each other wins, you know, sometimes

13:56

it's like, okay, it's really important to you,

13:58

Aaron, that it goes. That way. And.

14:01

See, you know why? Because we're partners. it's

14:03

gonna go your way this time. But

14:05

even still, we present it

14:07

as a team. Hey. We

14:10

are gonna do this, he we

14:12

feel we have decided again that

14:14

would ultimately come from their fact

14:16

that you to communicated about. Beforehand.

14:19

So that you're not like begrudgingly like

14:21

oh they said this a not that's

14:23

not gonna give them a good view.

14:25

of your partner of your marriage is gonna

14:28

in a sense really make your partner look

14:30

like the bad guy if you do presenter

14:32

in the wrong light when the monotone. It

14:35

is the closest one. How I think

14:37

there's some to say of Bow. The

14:40

personality trait of agreeableness, And

14:43

so for. Children.

14:46

We. Can have this tendency to

14:48

want to be agreeable and to

14:51

please our parents. and so. It's

14:53

harder to stand up. If

14:56

you will for. A unified decision that

14:58

we're making like the one in the Video

15:00

Wraith. Like are we have to leave. You.

15:03

And I agree that we need to have

15:05

our. Child. Be hitting the

15:07

nap times and all that stuff and then

15:09

when it comes actually implementing it's like. Oh

15:12

my parents wanted me to stay and there's a

15:14

great gathering going on and you don't know her

15:16

that would you any longer And yet a worth

15:18

anything So. The. Of is the comes

15:20

up. so it's a personality dimension cod agreeableness

15:22

and. There. Was a few comments

15:24

more than just one or two. In.

15:27

Which the partner and I think they were female

15:29

in this case is they were saying. Well.

15:32

We agree that had a time and

15:34

they said hey I need to have

15:36

these naptime so my partner just need

15:38

to use me as a scapegoat and

15:40

is near the tell the parents that

15:42

a my female partner needs us to

15:44

go They were okay with that so

15:46

obviously these are to social media commenter

15:48

said. Hey if you are agreed

15:50

upon that and you're not taking the

15:52

as. They're. Throwing you

15:54

under the bus or. Changing.

15:57

Or altering the perception of the family has then.

16:00

If that's what helps you keep to

16:02

your core values, in this case for

16:04

parenting, then by all

16:06

means, go ahead. Now, in the

16:09

broader perspective, don't

16:11

have the space to say this in social media, but

16:14

I think there's an opportunity for the

16:16

personal work to not be that agreeable.

16:18

You should be able to quote

16:21

unquote speak your truth to any

16:24

individual, let alone the community that has

16:26

your back. So yeah, I

16:28

thought that was fine, but that would be

16:30

an opportunity for those particular partners to think,

16:33

really look at, why am I unable to

16:35

speak my truth? Because likely, you

16:38

don't even have the best relationship that you could with

16:40

your parents. If you're holding a lot of

16:42

things back and you're overly agreeable

16:44

and not speaking up, yeah, I

16:47

mean, it's nice they accept you, but do

16:49

they really? Because how much of it are

16:51

you really laying out there as your true

16:53

self? So something to consider. I'm really glad

16:55

you brought up that piece about being assertive with

16:57

your family too and speaking your truth. Now there's

16:59

an interesting nuance to this. And of course we

17:02

won't name names, but one couple in particular, again,

17:04

this was a huge topic last week, I think because of

17:07

spring break and a lot of family visiting, but one

17:09

couple in particular really experiences frequent

17:12

conflicts because they actually do live near

17:14

their families. So they're lucky enough to

17:16

see family quite often. And

17:19

what they experience is that they'll come to

17:21

an agreement about, for example, how much TV

17:23

time the kids get per day or the

17:25

foods that they eat. And

17:27

it feels very important to

17:30

her in particular. And

17:32

to him, he's like, I'm kind of neutral

17:34

about it. Like it's a little important to

17:36

me. So he in

17:38

a sense doesn't like communicating to

17:40

the family these boundaries, these requests

17:42

about TV time and the food.

17:45

And I think that of course

17:47

it's nuanced, but when it comes to something

17:49

that's really important to one of you, at

17:53

least the way we operate in our partnership

17:55

is that if it's that important to one

17:57

of us, we'll still communicate it

17:59

as a request. or a boundary. And

18:01

that goes both ways. So it's not just

18:04

me that it's like, oh, it's always the

18:06

important stuff to me. There are things Aaron

18:08

feels very strongly about and that are important

18:10

to him. And we would still say this

18:12

is what we want to do. So if

18:14

we visit my family, same thing and your

18:16

family and we really do express

18:19

ourselves with what is important to us.

18:21

We're not worried about causing conflict because

18:23

if we express it in a kind,

18:26

proactive, assertive way,

18:29

then it shouldn't be

18:31

a conflict with the other people. It's not

18:33

pointing finger. Hey, we don't like how you

18:35

do it. Like your approach matters. But I

18:37

just want to put that out there that

18:39

even if it's just important to one of

18:41

you, it's still something you

18:43

want to be assertive about rather than defaulting to

18:46

the person. It's not important to you. It's like,

18:48

well, it's not that important to me. So let's

18:50

not communicate it. I just don't

18:52

feel that's really the fair approach to

18:55

things. And this leads us into the fourth

18:57

point, even though we're making various points as we

18:59

go through. And that's to

19:01

not put your partner in the

19:04

situations where they'll express, let's say,

19:06

an idea or a perspective to

19:09

the family at large, and then you sort

19:11

of leave them out there on their own

19:13

that you don't support them or you don't

19:16

agree with them. And so for some reason,

19:18

I imagine in my mind, like a courtroom where

19:20

like your partner is now on the stand

19:23

and you're like one of the attorneys with

19:25

the rest of your family, it's like you're

19:28

you're quizzing or you're

19:30

sort of attacking or pointing out

19:32

the flaws to your partner, because now

19:35

it's just like your partner against everyone,

19:37

you know, including you. So you're

19:39

not always going to agree with your own

19:42

partner's perspective, right? So I just

19:45

think there's this opportunity

19:49

to have your partner's

19:51

back, even if you're not necessarily agreeing.

19:54

And it might take some finessing, I think

19:56

ideally, just the two of you

19:58

are handling a lot of these. differences in

20:01

perspectives, in decision making, expectations,

20:03

needs, and look, that's

20:05

what a good marriage is, so that when you're with

20:07

a family, like you're just always united. You

20:10

don't wanna throw your partner out there where it's

20:12

like them against everyone else. And I

20:14

think one of the places where this can come up is trying

20:18

to handle your own conflict between

20:21

you and your partner now in

20:23

front of other family members.

20:25

So. That can happen. We've

20:27

definitely had couples express that. Because,

20:29

well, of course, your

20:31

particular family members are gonna jump on

20:33

your side. I mean, I

20:36

guess I don't have an experience of anything else,

20:38

but your family's gonna be

20:40

a little bit biased in your own favor. I

20:42

mean, they raised you. You

20:45

have similar worldview, so I think, of course, they're

20:47

gonna have your back. So again, just

20:49

a situation to be on the lookout for. I don't

20:51

think trying to hash out a conflict

20:53

in front of your family is probably the best. Yeah,

20:56

like an example I can think of is if

20:59

you're all standing in the kitchen and

21:01

one of your family's asking about either

21:03

a parenting decision or a financial decision

21:05

that you, like if your partner

21:07

is trying to explain themselves, you have their back,

21:09

right? That you would be like, well, you know,

21:12

hey, we think this or we feel this way

21:14

and not have them feel ganged up on. Is

21:16

that the visual? Yeah, but there's also another

21:18

way with, either you

21:20

haven't talked about it thoroughly enough

21:22

yourself. So, oh, it's a good point

21:24

you bring up something that we actually haven't addressed really

21:27

ourselves, so we'll have to do that. No,

21:29

that's a really good point. Okay, this next one

21:31

is a little bit of a pet peeve of mine,

21:34

but for good reason. And

21:36

that is you don't want to use,

21:39

I was raised this way as

21:41

your explanation and all of your decision-making.

21:43

And we'll see this be a source

21:45

of conflict for couples because you're going

21:48

to face these big decisions that you

21:50

have to make. Again, some of the

21:52

big categories being finances, parenting, jobs,

21:54

moves, there's many others,

21:56

but those being some big categories. And

21:59

in those... you have to weigh

22:01

different options. And what we find is that

22:03

there's many people who

22:05

just refer to their upbringing as their source

22:08

of information. And now look, we're not bashing

22:10

your upbringing. Maybe you actually had an incredible

22:12

upbringing. Maybe there was some really great things

22:15

that occurred and you wanna bring that information

22:17

to the table. However, at

22:19

least the way we think of these

22:21

big important decisions is we

22:24

actually wanna make sure we're gathering

22:26

many different angles. We wanna get

22:28

different information and data from

22:30

different experts. And so we

22:32

don't wanna just refer to how we were

22:34

raised because then what happens if

22:37

the two of you have opposing views in that? So

22:39

one of you is staying in your corner like,

22:41

no, I was raised this way. This is how

22:43

my parents raised me. So this is how we

22:45

should parent our kids. And then the other person's

22:47

like, well, I'm reading these books about secure

22:50

attachment and how

22:52

to handle these big emotions. And this is what I think.

22:55

What's gonna happen? How are you two going to

22:57

reconcile those things? Rather than, okay,

22:59

let's bring in all the information that

23:01

we can about these different methods. So

23:04

in a sense, it does take some

23:06

research. And honestly, we would challenge you

23:08

to level up your research for these

23:10

big ones. Okay, we're not saying you

23:12

should research an hour long, all these restaurants

23:14

you wanna go to. That has a

23:17

pretty small impact, right? What you're gonna

23:19

eat for dinner out has a relatively

23:21

small impact on your life. But how

23:23

you are gonna raise your kids, where

23:27

you're gonna live, what jobs you're

23:29

gonna take, what you're gonna do

23:31

with your money, investing lives, what

23:33

you're gonna do in your face. Like all

23:36

of those have a much bigger impact. And

23:39

so therefore, we invite

23:41

you to level up your research,

23:43

gather more information, because

23:45

it allows us to feel even

23:47

more certain, confident

23:50

and united in those

23:52

decisions. As we

23:54

close this out, there

23:56

is a major difference between the group

23:59

membership here. with the media

24:02

family and the extended family, one

24:04

of the similarities is a level

24:07

of acceptance. So you're gonna

24:09

accept your family and your

24:11

partner's family more or less really

24:13

the way they are and how they show love and

24:15

how they show support because that is the basis that

24:18

they're coming from. The patterns

24:20

or the conversations or the things they

24:22

say might be different,

24:25

it might be giving you a different experience

24:27

but it is all love, it is all

24:29

support so you need to

24:31

just accept them with their worldview,

24:34

with their approach mostly. Obviously

24:36

this means you can still express your

24:38

own expectations and boundaries. But

24:41

here's where there's a big difference. I mean you accept

24:43

the differences within your partner but

24:45

it's much more of a negotiation.

24:48

You're gonna be expressing your needs to

24:50

your partner and your partner is gonna

24:52

be hearing that, taking it

24:54

in, considering it and then looking at how

24:56

they can change their own patterns and behavior

24:59

to better meet the needs you're

25:01

expressing. And these are gonna be changing on

25:03

a frequent basis and you do that

25:05

for each other. Now the other big thing is repair. When

25:09

you have situations or

25:12

conflicts that cause disconnection,

25:14

they cause some hurt, the

25:17

repair steps are very particular

25:19

to a romantic relationship. You

25:22

really can't expect for extended family members

25:24

to do the level of repair that

25:26

you are going to expect within a

25:29

romantic relationship with your partner. Now

25:32

doesn't mean you can't repair with your family but

25:35

if you know our process, we have five R's.

25:37

So you can certainly come to the table from

25:40

your reflections, you can say what you take

25:42

responsibility for but you might

25:44

not be able to expect that a family

25:46

member is going to do their reflection and

25:48

now take responsibility for the impact

25:51

their actions had on you let alone

25:53

come to agreements. Yeah. Because

25:56

that's where there might be a big difference. So with your

25:58

partner it's like hey, this is... This is a

26:00

pretty non-negotiable for me. So you really

26:03

got to negotiate that with your partner Yeah,

26:05

like you're gonna have to make that change

26:07

with the extended family. Hey, here's my agreement

26:09

my non-negotiable They

26:11

can say well that doesn't work for me. So Takes

26:14

a little bit more in the repair It really does and

26:17

so you may brought up a really important point

26:19

that I need to say this Okay, so you

26:21

guys got to hear this because Another

26:24

layer to this that can feel

26:26

complicated is that because of those

26:28

differences? Which I was talking

26:30

to someone I know personally and keep

26:32

maintaining privacy yesterday And there

26:34

was some friction between them and one of

26:37

their in-laws. We were seeing them. We saw

26:39

this firsthand and What

26:42

I offered to her was about

26:44

coming to some acceptance of those

26:46

personality differences But here's the key

26:49

as long as it doesn't have to do with honoring

26:51

some kind of a boundary that you've expressed When

26:53

it comes to those little things that

26:55

frustrate you you can't hold those things

26:58

against your partner So really get

27:00

that if it is related to something

27:02

just like a personality a thing that

27:04

frustrates you their worldview Don't

27:06

let that now become a thing you are

27:08

frustrated with your partner about so really you're

27:10

upset at one of their family members But

27:12

now you're arguing with your partner because you

27:14

have some kind of an expectation of who

27:16

they should be and you want your partner

27:18

To handle it now, of course that matters

27:20

if it's related to honoring some kind of

27:22

a boundary agreement Especially if it has to

27:24

do with you or your kids But

27:27

if it's just a quirk if it's a personality is

27:29

the thing that annoys you don't hold that

27:31

against your partner That's

27:33

where some acceptance of how everyone is

27:35

different can allow you to be at

27:37

more peace They're not going to

27:39

be exactly like you you're not going to

27:41

have the same worldviews, but you can

27:44

seek for harmony Now the

27:46

important thread throughout this is that you

27:48

two are a team You

27:51

two are a family and that's how you

27:53

want to show up. That's how you want

27:55

to stay united No matter

27:57

what you face with your in-laws and

27:59

your extended family which we know

28:01

you love and that you want to

28:03

experience these great memories with them and

28:06

see them and so focus on that

28:08

harmony between the two of you and

28:10

your families with you two as that

28:13

rock-solid team. Now speaking of being a

28:15

team the day that we are recording

28:17

this is actually the start of our

28:20

30 day couples challenge and you now

28:22

have two options you can do the

28:24

prioritizing us challenge or the rebuilding us

28:26

challenge which is the new level two

28:29

prompts for you to repair and rebuild after

28:32

being in a hard season whereas

28:34

the prioritizing us challenge we've actually had

28:36

over 25,000 couples love

28:39

that challenge it focuses on your connection,

28:41

conversation starters, filling your love accounts just

28:43

when you've been in a busy season

28:45

you haven't been prioritizing the relationship it's

28:47

really a great way to get on

28:50

track so make sure that you start

28:52

one of those challenges they really are

28:54

a huge hit no matter how busy

28:56

you are so you can go to

28:58

the link in the show notes you

29:01

can also go to meetthefreemans.com/links and you'll see

29:03

both those challenges as well as all of

29:05

our resources that we have for you because

29:07

you want to make sure and dive in

29:09

we have so many different ways that we

29:11

can support your relationship and with that we're

29:14

so grateful that you listen if you're new

29:16

here make sure you hit the subscribe button

29:18

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29:31

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