0:00

A quick heads up this episode contains some strong language adult situations and mentions of sexual assault.

0:06

Listener discretion is advised It's May 15th, 2014.

0:18

And Jessica Simpson is walking through a crowded chapel, her sky, high stiletto heels ring out as she climbs the marble steps to the altar today, she's back in church where she started, but she's also come a long way because she's not in Texas.

0:37

She's on the upper east side of Manhattan at one of New York.

0:42

City's most celebrated venues, 583 park avenue, formerly known as the third church of Christ scientist.

0:50

And while the place still looks like a chapel, it technically isn't one anymore.

0:55

Instead of pews, it's got these giant potted palms and high-end ultra flattering lighting, congregants and black tie sipped champagne and chow down on canopies.

1:08

And if they're here tonight to worship anything it's commerce and Jessica Simpson, Please

1:15

welcome to the stage. Steve Forbes and Jessica Simpson, founder and chief operating officer Jessica Simpson collection, philanthropists singer and actress.

1:28

Tonight, Jessica is appearing at the Forbes women's summit, where she'll be interviewed by the editor in chief of the business magazine, which reports on how much celebrities are worth.

1:38

She's got keynote billing emphasis on the bill because the Jessica Simpson collection just passed $1 billion in annual sales.

1:49

This is a total big boss moment for Jessica after all those years of pain and struggle and ridicule, she's made good on the promise she made to God as a child, she's using her voice for good she's making people's lives better and women all over the world.

2:09

They're grateful. They love at Jessica's clothes are flattering, no matter what kind of silhouette they've got.

2:15

They're thankful for heels that are actually comfortable to wear, which is why Jessica, a former pop star is sitting on stage talking with the editor in chief of the most respected business magazine in the country.

2:28

The audience sits dead quiet.

2:31

They listen intently.

2:33

As she talks about her mission, her business acumen and her success.

2:37

It's everything she could have hoped for, but the conversation leaves one thing out Jessica herself.

2:44

She doesn't feel beautiful right now.

2:47

And she definitely doesn't feel comfortable in her own shoes.

2:51

What none of the people at 583 park avenue knows is that the anxiety that's plagued her since childhood is totally running the show Jessica's business is soaring, but she's in emotional free fall.

3:06

And the worst part is she has no idea why Martha

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4:00

Hi, I'm Kelly Martin. Chad

4:02

Lowe on our new podcast series.

4:04

The big break Kelly and I talk with actors and take a deep dive into the magical moments that changed their careers and lives for Follow

4:12

the big break on apple podcasts, Spotify, Amazon music, or wherever you're listening now From

4:26

Wondery I'm Orisha, Skidmore Williams And

4:29

I'm Brooks. And this Is

4:31

even the rich and our last episode, Jessica, his clothing line was on the rise just as her relationship with John Mayer was down in the dumps.

4:40

Thankfully, Jessica found the strength to leave that man in the dust.

4:44

And she even ditched Tony Romo, the equally possessive boyfriend who came after him, she's ready to start fresh and live her best life.

4:53

But the demons just because battled since childhood are not so sure they want to let that happen.

4:58

This is episode four, resurrection It's may of 2010 and Jessica's house is packed with friends.

5:15

It always is these days Jessica's moved on from Tony Romo and John Mayer.

5:21

And now she's all about hanging with people who actually love her.

5:25

That means a lot of old friends and her sister, Ashley, they're supposedly there to watch a basketball game, but Jessica doesn't even know who's playing.

5:34

And frankly, she doesn't care.

5:36

She just likes having people over at her house.

5:39

It brings back the camaraderie.

5:41

She felt as a kid at church camp feeling difference is that these days there's booze and lots of it Jessica's place is never short on libations.

5:52

Jessica is in the kitchen with a girlfriend pouring over dog-eared book.

5:57

When a mysterious stranger steps into the room, she looks up, he's handsome, muscular.

6:04

And he's got these kind curious eyes.

6:07

When he sees that the book she's holding is all about dream interpretation.

6:11

He looks at her with wide eyes.

6:14

You analyze your dreams.

6:17

He says it like, it's the sexiest thing he's ever seen.

6:21

Like he spent his whole life wandering the universe in search of a dream interpreting woman.

6:26

Jessica looks up at him and says, yes, because last night I dreamed, I pooped out a pig and then that pig had a pig.

6:35

And then all of us played together.

6:36

Wait, so I'm

6:39

not the only one who's had that Dream.

6:40

No, you're not how a Jessica is done.

6:44

Pretending maybe a few years ago, she would have clammed up and tied her brain and knots trying to figure out what this guy wants her to say, but she tells him the truth and surprisingly he's into it.

6:57

They talk for the rest of the night.

6:59

And it's obvious that this guy is super into the real Jessica Simpson.

7:05

She realizes he's different with other men.

7:08

She'd been scared to talk afraid.

7:11

She'd say something wrong and look stupid.

7:12

But with this mysterious stranger, there's no fear of judgment, which is why as the night's winding down, Jessica stops him from leaving your cute.

7:23

She tells him you should stay.

7:27

Ooh. I love a good have him washed and brought to my chambers mama.

7:32

Oh, you and meet Bo.

7:33

Jessica definitely knows what she wants.

7:36

So they sleep together and it's an amazing night.

7:40

But when Jessica wakes up the next morning, she's alone, the mysterious stranger is gone.

7:47

It's

7:47

a

7:47

huge

7:49

bummer. This guy seemed perfect in every way, but now he's disappeared on her.

7:54

Bombed out. She heads down to the kitchen.

7:57

When she gets there, she finds a notes, scrawled on a paper towel.

8:01

It's from her mystery guy.

8:03

And he says he had an awesome time.

8:05

And that he wants to see her again.

8:08

But he has a previous commitment.

8:09

I mean, At least he didn't pull a burger and break up with her on a post-it.

8:14

Yeah, he really did make that bar super low.

8:16

Yeah, it does turn out though that he had to jet because he's going to an all day, Marianne Williamson, spirituality, seminar.

8:24

I truly love how hard this guy gets for spirituality sleep.

8:30

So Jessica is standing alone in her kitchen, holding a scrap of paper towel.

8:34

And she's kind of in disbelief.

8:36

I mean, she literally says aloud to herself.

8:39

This guy just left Jessica Simpson naked in bed to go see Marianne Williamson.

8:43

The guy Jessica had such a great time with just got up early, to go find out how love can save the world.

8:50

And when Jessica invites him over a couple of nights later to watch the American idol finale, he says, sure, but he'll be late because he has a yoga teacher training that night.

9:01

Jessica's like, who is this guy?

9:04

Yeah. I'm wondering the same. You're really dragging this out.

9:08

Yeah. In the biz, we call that suspense.

9:10

Oh, love it.

9:11

But anyway, his name is Eric Johnson.

9:15

The guy is a study in contrast.

9:17

He's a sensitive, intellectually curious guy.

9:21

Who's studied at Yale. And he's also a total stud who was a star player on the football team mayor before making the leap to the NFL.

9:28

He's a former tight end for the San Francisco 49ers and also the disciple of a master of Chinese spirituality and medicine.

9:35

It's like, God made the perfect man strong and sensitive and then sent him walking right into Jessica Simpson's house.

9:43

And once he does, he never really leaves things progress quickly and smoothly between Jessica and Eric.

9:51

She's finally found a man.

9:53

She doesn't have to dim her light around.

9:55

He loves her exactly how she is.

9:59

And he loves her friends.

10:00

After six months together, they decide to start a family.

10:04

When Jessica gets pregnant, she's thrilled.

10:07

In fact, she's so thrilled that when the media tries to rain on her parade, because she's gained weight, she doesn't add an eye.

10:15

One guy asks her, are you held to a higher standard because you are a sex symbol.

10:20

I'm sorry. We're she's not dead, baby boy.

10:24

Yeah, exactly. And that's how Jessica responds.

10:26

She's like, I think I still am a sex symbol.

10:29

I know my husband thinks, so, which is totally true.

10:33

Being pregnant makes Jessica super horny.

10:36

They're not actually married yet, but it feels like they are because she and Eric are having sex.

10:42

As much as four times a day, she's never felt more sexy or desired in short.

10:48

Everything is perfect.

10:50

The only problem is while Jessica is pulling herself together and getting ready to become a mom, her own parents can't seem to get a grip.

11:00

Like Jessica always says her father is a great man.

11:04

And he's good at many things, but letting go of the spotlight is not one of them.

11:10

It's

11:10

late

11:10

April,

11:10

2012

11:10

and

11:10

a

11:10

very

11:10

pregnant

11:10

Jessica

11:10

Simpson

11:10

is

11:10

in

11:10

Cedar

11:10

Sinai

11:10

hospital

11:10

in

11:10

Los

11:10

Angeles

11:10

for

11:10

a

11:20

checkup. Her football player boyfriend has put a football player, sized baby in her.

11:24

The kid is so big that doctors are going to have to do a C-section.

11:28

They keep saying everything is fine, but they also keep saying, they want to keep an eye on things, which is not what you want to hear when you're pregnant with your first child.

11:38

So Jessica's definitely a little on edge.

11:42

And that's when Joe shows up, he says, he's just there to say hello and show his support.

11:48

But it's clear. Something's wrong.

11:52

Finally. He just comes out with it and tells her I'm planning to leave your mother.

11:57

Oh my God. Well, she's in the hospital. Like, does this man not have golf buddies?

12:00

He can talk to Exactly.

12:02

Jessica's totally blindsided.

12:04

She's watched her parents fight all her life, but she always figured that was just their marriage.

12:11

She didn't think they'd ever actually split up and get this.

12:15

Her dad basically tells Jessica that it's because of her.

12:19

He seems to mean it as a compliment.

12:22

He says, thank you for showing me the way you left a life where you felt trapped to fund a life you were meant to have.

12:30

Okay. I mean, his point is valid, but it probably could have waited until after a baby gets cut out of her.

12:37

Yeah, at least. And if he came to the hospital looking for a high five, Jessica leaves him hanging she's furious.

12:44

I mean, the Simpsons were a super tight family.

12:47

So just cus feeling incredibly sad, she feels lost in a way.

12:53

She's never felt before Jessica and Eric's daughter Maxwell is born two weeks later.

12:59

And a year after that, she gives birth to her son ACE.

13:03

Now she's got a handsome, devoted husband, two adorable, healthy kids and a billion dollar business.

13:10

And that's the problem.

13:12

All the external pressures that used to absorb her anxiety are gone.

13:17

She doesn't have to worry about money anymore or finding the right guy to settle down with.

13:23

She's done it all.

13:24

And now that life has gotten a little calmer and a little more quiet that old childhood anxiety has room to come roaring back even more intensely than ever before.

13:36

Wait, what about her parents' divorce? She

13:38

definitely sided with her mom in the breakup.

13:40

She even fires Joe as her manager, but she's still in touch with him.

13:45

She's learned she has to keep boundaries with both of her parents, which means she can't go crying on their shoulders anymore.

13:52

And with our parents' marriage in the past tense, she doesn't have the support network she's relied on her entire life.

13:59

So she turns to an old favorite alcohol all the time, everywhere Jessica goes, she carries one of those gold glitter tumblers with a straw so that her kids and the rest of the world won't notice.

14:15

Okay. Okay. Was there a year that the whole world lost its sense of smell?

14:18

And I missed it?

14:20

You'd think so. She's also taking stimulants to counteract the alcohol, mostly diet pills.

14:26

And she's taking a ton of those because even though the booze definitely dulls her anxiety, it doesn't stop the constant churn of thoughts in her head.

14:34

It's like inside her brain, she slowly going back in time through a museum of all her past traumas and insecurities and exhibit a is her body.

14:44

Jessica

14:44

becomes

14:44

obsessed

14:44

with

14:44

losing

14:48

weight. And after she loses the weight, she obsessed with the stretch marks she's got from having two kids back to back.

14:54

It's like those teenage cheerleaders are back in her head and they're louder than ever.

14:59

They're the ones calling the shots and they won't stop until Jessica has perfect teenage abs again.

15:06

So she books some plastic surgery and that's when the wake up call comes.

15:11

Jessica

15:11

is

15:11

on

15:11

vacation

15:11

in

15:15

St. Bart's. When she gets the call.

15:16

It's from the doctor back in LA, who's going to operate on her.

15:20

He's just seen her liver levels and they're bad.

15:23

In fact, they're so bad.

15:27

He's worried that if he operates on her, she could die.

15:30

Jessica listens and thanks him for the call.

15:33

Then her brain sends his warning straight to voicemail.

15:37

She goes ahead with the surgery anyway.

15:40

And then when she's not happy with the results, she has another one.

15:45

And when she's finally got a tummy, she's happy with, she realizes she's not happy at all.

15:51

It's

15:51

made

15:51

2017

15:51

and

15:51

Jessica

15:51

Simpson

15:51

is

15:51

on

15:51

the

15:51

Ellen

15:51

DeGeneres

15:51

show

15:51

to

15:51

promote

15:51

the

16:01

collection. By this point, her anxiety has gotten so bad.

16:05

The cheap barely leaves the house.

16:07

She has everything delivered.

16:09

There's even a recording studio in her house in case she feels like making music, but she never does.

16:16

And because Jessica and Eric's place is the party house.

16:19

Her social life comes to her too.

16:21

So while it's a novelty to be out of the house, maybe going straight onto Ellen, wasn't the greatest strategy.

16:28

But

16:28

here

16:28

she

16:28

is,

16:28

she

16:28

had

16:28

a

16:28

couple

16:28

drinks

16:28

to

16:28

take

16:28

the

16:28

edge

16:34

off. And now a minute into the interview, she's fumbling for words.

16:40

And have you written a song yet? Or you're just starting.

16:42

I have about, I probably have about 38.

16:45

So

16:45

maybe

16:45

36,

16:45

her

16:45

very

16:51

nice.

16:53

Okay. To be fair though, numbers are hard.

16:56

You're not Rob it.

16:59

Doesn't take long for Jessica to notice Ellen staring into the camera.

17:02

Like, can you believe this drunk mess I have to put up with, oh please.

17:06

Ellen lives for these moments.

17:08

Yeah, she's loving it.

17:10

I mean, Jessica's breakdown is great TV and seeing Ellen milk, the moment makes her realize just how trashed she is.

17:17

Let's call it. Wake up, call number two.

17:20

But Jessica just hits ignore.

17:23

If she feels upset or ashamed about the Ellen disaster, she drinks those feelings away.

17:29

And while the tabloids and social media might be laughing at her again, this is definitely not funny.

17:36

Jessica is surviving on a diet of alcohol diet pills, Ambien, and a nonstop chorus of shitty withering voices in her head.

17:46

And while she's mentally tough enough to endure the onslaught like this, her liver is not, she's got one more wake up call coming.

17:55

And as she doesn't pay attention, this time she's going to die.

18:04

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19:40

For most of 2017, Jessica Simpson is absolutely positive that she doesn't have a substance abuse problem.

19:47

After all, she's always been open about how much she drinks, because she doesn't think she has anything to hide.

19:54

When friends or family tell her she's drinking too much.

19:58

She says, oh, I know I'm definitely going to cut back, but for now I need another one.

20:05

And the party goes on.

20:07

Her husband, Eric loves to drink and have a good time.

20:10

So do her family and friends.

20:12

And when she sees how sloppy everyone around her gets after a few too many.

20:17

That's when Jessica knows she doesn't have a problem.

20:20

After all those diet pills she takes are stimulants.

20:24

They keep her on point.

20:26

Even after she's had enough alcohol to kill Ozzy Osborne, Keith Richards and all the guys and Motley crew.

20:33

Wow. That's, that's a lot of alcohol.

20:35

Yeah, but she has it totally under control, especially because at the end of each night, she takes an Ambien to turn everything off and get her a solid, healthy eight hours of Shadai.

20:46

It's taking her three different substances to get through the day, but she sure she has things under control until Halloween.

20:55

It's

20:55

the

20:55

morning

20:55

of

20:55

October

20:55

31st

20:55

and

20:55

Jessica

20:55

and

20:55

Eric

20:55

are

20:55

at

20:55

their

21:02

daughter. Maxwell's Halloween pageant at school.

21:04

Jessica's parents, Joe and Tina are sitting separately with their new, significant others in formation, right behind Jessica.

21:12

It's still a lot to deal with, but Jessica is nursing, her trusty buttercup.

21:17

So she's already liquored up.

21:19

She feels like she has to be to deal with her parents.

21:22

Not to mention the eyes of all the other parents on her, the stir she causes in the suburban crowd doesn't feel like respect or admiration.

21:31

Jessica feels like they're all sizing her up.

21:35

Mocking her, judging her, just like the kids used to do back when she was in school, she shifts in her seat and tries to focus on the concert.

21:46

She cheers as Maxwell rocks, her solo.

21:49

And then she realizes her five-year-old daughter is doing something.

21:54

Jessica is too terrified to do anymore, sing on stage, but she still gets huge mob points because even in her boost, upstate, she's careful to give her daughter only positive nontoxic messages.

22:08

She doesn't tell Maxwell you were perfect or you look so pretty.

22:15

Instead. She says, you look so happy up there.

22:17

Jessica might be completely inebriated, but she's still a great mom.

22:22

Who's laser focused on breaking a cycle.

22:24

Unfortunately it's the last decent parenting she'll do that day.

22:30

After

22:30

the

22:30

pageant,

22:30

she

22:30

invites

22:30

her

22:30

dad

22:30

to

22:30

come

22:30

listen

22:30

to

22:30

new

22:35

music. She's working on.

22:36

It comes across as a totally casual invite, but it's anything.

22:41

But this is a very big deal for Jessica.

22:45

She hasn't made music in a long time, which is why before she heads down to the home studio, she refills her glitter cup with booze, just enough to take the edge off the weight of a full tumbler gives her courage and she needs it.

23:03

Or what she's about to do, try to dance like our sister, Ashley, no one can jig like that.

23:08

Even though she's not up for performing, she's been writing new songs.

23:12

And a few of them are about her father.

23:16

One is called party of one, which describes how alone and abandoned she felt after her parents split up just as she was becoming a mother.

23:26

She has healthy boundaries with her parents now, but she never had the courage to actually express her feelings to Joe.

23:34

So now she's doing it.

23:36

The only way she's ever known how in song, Joe listens intently.

23:41

His eyes closed as the verses unfold.

23:44

After the song ends, he walks over and takes Jessica in his arms.

23:49

She shakes with tears as her father embraces her.

23:53

When she can finally find words again, she says, you're not mad.

23:59

Joe says, no, he's just proud of her.

24:02

And then he adds, I'm just sad.

24:06

I'm not the one promoting it once a hustler, always a hustler, but good for Jessica.

24:12

Yeah. I feel like there's a tiny, quiet voice inside her.

24:16

That's trying to get out.

24:17

And this is a huge step forward.

24:19

Or at least it would be if she didn't keep drowning it and booze.

24:23

And that night, Jessica realizes it too.

24:28

Every year, Jessica and Eric throw these extravagant Halloween parties.

24:33

And she puts a lot of time, energy and alcohol into making them great.

24:37

But this year is different this year.

24:41

As soon as she sees her dad off something shifts inside of her, it's like singing to him, opened a door to all the feelings she's been drinking the way.

24:50

And once that door is open, there's no pushing it.

24:55

Shut again. So as her dad walks back to his car and her husband and kids are busy with Halloween party prep, Jessica Simpson collapses on her entryway door.

25:06

Holy shit that she pass out.

25:09

Not quite she can hear the trustee glitter cup bounce on the tile floor and roll away flat on her back.

25:16

She stares up at the vaulted ceiling and all the feelings she's been suppressing wash over her like a flood she's been in denial for years.

25:26

And Joe's loving reaction to her.

25:29

New music brought that into sharp focus.

25:31

Her problems aren't because of other people or problems are because of her own choices and they aren't going away until she gets a grip on how she's been abusing herself mentally and physically.

25:44

Jessica

25:44

says

25:44

a

25:44

silent

25:44

prayer

25:44

in

25:44

the

25:44

past

25:44

when

25:44

life

25:44

got

25:44

too

25:44

hard,

25:44

she

25:44

would

25:44

pray

25:44

and

25:44

God

25:44

would

25:44

always

25:44

whisper

25:44

to

25:44

her,

25:44

get

25:44

up

25:54

Jessica. And she would find this strength to rise again.

25:57

But today as the flood of her pressed feelings threatens to drown her, she can't hear God at all, but she does hear a voice saying, are you okay?

26:08

But it's not God's voice.

26:11

It's our longtime friend, Randy, in that moment, Jessica finally lets her guard down and tells the truth.

26:19

She says, no, I am not okay.

26:23

It's

26:23

the

26:23

morning

26:23

of

26:23

November

26:23

1st,

26:29

2017. And Jessica Simpson wakes up at home.

26:32

Her head is pounding.

26:34

Her face is sticky from the glue that held her Willie Nelson facial hair in place for last night's costume.

26:41

Not that she attended the party.

26:44

She got all made up to look like her Dukes of Hazzard buddy.

26:47

While her husband Eric was dressed up as Waylon Jennings.

26:50

But as soon as she got the happy family photo for Instagram, she retreated to her room.

26:56

So No trick or treating with The

26:59

kids. Nope. And they had like 20 golf carts to go around their gated community.

27:03

First of all, that's too many golf carts.

27:05

And the second she missed out on all that full sized candy, you know, those Which

27:10

people are given out. I know Jessica was just too drunk and shattered to go.

27:15

So she went to her room, popped a couple of Ambien and cried herself to sleep out of a shame.

27:21

She feels for not being there for her kids last night is debilitating.

27:25

So she lets Eric get them off to school.

27:28

And as soon as they're gone, she fills the glitter cup with more booze.

27:32

That's

27:32

what

27:32

her

27:32

colorist

27:32

shows

27:32

up

27:32

for

27:32

their

27:36

appointment. The one Jessica flies in on the regular from New York city and the one she totally forgot about.

27:42

So shame, hangover and literal hangover be damned.

27:46

She tries to pull it together except this appointment.

27:50

Isn't just the colorist one by one Jessica's best girlfriends descend on the house.

27:57

Everyone is tense and business-like Jessica tells them, she feels awful about last night.

28:03

And when her friend Casey says, this is your rock bottom, do you want to change?

28:09

Jessica realizes this is an intervention, but she doesn't resist.

28:15

In fact, she's here for it.

28:18

She's as sick of her behavior as everyone else's.

28:21

So hell yes, she wants to change.

28:24

So one of Jessica's oldest friends, Stephanie, who she met in church as a kid, suggest that they all pray together.

28:32

The women stand in a circle.

28:34

Jessica's famous. Blonde locks still in foils.

28:37

And Stephanie starts things off Lord, she's giving this burden to you and Jessica takes over.

28:45

I'm giving this to you, Lord.

28:47

I am your humble servant.

28:48

And just then a hair timer goes off and the colorist is like, okay, you gave it to God.

28:55

Now we got to wash that stuff out. Now This

28:58

is really taking self care to a completely different level.

29:04

It gets crazier though.

29:04

After the colorist leaves to in demand hair, extension specialists show up to do their thing.

29:11

Thank God. I mean, you'd think Jessica would dismiss them since she's in the middle of a decades in the making life change.

29:17

But Jessica is not the kind of person who needs privacy.

29:20

So she has her first heart to heart with a doctor over the phone while she's getting new extensions put in by the end of it, everyone sobbing.

29:30

Okay. And where is her husband during this intervention slash spa day.

29:34

So He pops in at one point and Jessica's just like, babe, I'm going to stop drinking and looks her right in the eye and says, then I will too.

29:44

And also your friends suck for not including me in this.

29:47

I know it's like an exclusive intervention by God.

29:50

But later that night, a therapist Jessica's girlfriends had research shows up at the house and Jessica takes her down to the study.

29:57

They sit across from each other and then the therapist says softly.

30:01

Now let's talk about what brought you to this point.

30:05

Recently, Jessica posted a photo from the day she got sober on Instagram.

30:11

Her hair is colored perfectly and the extensions look great.

30:16

But the rest of her barely resembles the star that people think of.

30:20

When they hear her name, she's sitting barefoot in a sweatsuit.

30:24

Her face is puffy and pale from the alcohol or the crying or both.

30:30

She's not smiling at the camera.

30:32

She's looking away and her eyes look serious.

30:35

And at peace.

30:38

Yeah. I mean, she definitely looks like somebody who knows she needs a change and who knows how hard it's going to be, because make no mistake.

30:45

This process is going to be brutal.

30:47

It's going to be painful.

30:49

And Jessica knows it because there's a lot of pain she's been running from and she has to feel it all.

30:58

Now. She says she quit drinking so she could actually accept failure, pain, brokenness, and self-sabotage, but she's up for it because she knows that on the other side of that process, isn't just health and happiness.

31:11

It's the sound of her own true voice.

31:14

The one she's been looking for her entire life.

31:19

I

31:19

remember

31:19

Luna

31:19

and

31:19

I'm

31:19

hosting

31:19

an

31:19

all

31:19

new

31:19

season

31:19

of

31:19

endless

31:19

Allah

31:19

from

31:19

Amazon

31:36

music. I'm inviting my family and friends to talk about the issues you want to hear about issues that aren't discussed enough in the Latin X community, such as family values, spirituality, representation, and sisterhood.

31:46

But don't worry if we're going to get deep, we're still going to have fun.

31:51

It's going to be a conversation unlike any other.

31:53

And you've got a front row seat.

31:54

All of us at some point in our life, you know, have to overcome adversity and very hard obstacles.

32:00

Amazon music in LaSalla is a celebration of getting real follow in.

32:07

LaSalla on Amazon music to get early access to episodes.

32:09

You can also listen wherever you get your podcasts.

32:12

So

32:12

you

32:12

get

32:12

both

32:12

got

32:12

Amazon

32:12

music

32:34

During the winter of 2017, Jessica throws herself into treatment like an honor student.

32:39

Who's trying to get an a and breaking herself down.

32:42

And this is slightly different from having a breakdown.

32:45

What Jessica is doing is hard and emotional, but it's constructive.

32:50

She's actually seeing herself for who she is and she's figuring out why she is that way.

32:56

She's connecting the dots from the way she abused alcohol to the way she abused herself mentally.

33:03

And from there, she's figuring out her relationships, the abusive people she had in her life, all the way from John Mayer to that best friend in high school who betrayed her.

33:15

And once she's got all those dots down on paper, she can see what they all point back to the time in her life when she was sexually abused, as it way too often does.

33:25

Yeah. Victims of childhood abuse, often walk away thinking they deserve to be hurt.

33:30

That that's how they should be treated.

33:32

And it shapes how they live the rest of their lives.

33:35

At first, Jessica describes everything to her therapist as though they happen to another girl, say the girl who lived next door to the real Jessica.

33:44

But over time, she's able to actually feel the feelings process, the pain, own it and move on.

33:53

And she starts to see what happened to her.

33:55

As a badge of honor, her scars are proof of everything.

33:59

She survived, everything she's triumphed over her hurt shows her just how strong she really is.

34:07

That is until she hits that ultimate test of sobriety and mental health frigging holidays.

34:14

When Thanksgiving rolls around, Jessica thinks about sitting at a table with her husband, her kids, her parents, and their new significant others.

34:23

And she's like, how in the ever-loving fuck am I going to do this silver?

34:28

I mean, who hasn't pondered that question every year, she still has a lot of anger about her parents' divorce and the way it pulled the rug out from under her, right as she was becoming a parent herself, but that night a Thanksgiving dinner, she sees something she never saw when she was drunk, that our parents are just people they're imperfect shore, but they're doing the best they can.

34:53

It's actually really sweet the way they tiptoe carefully around each other, trying to be respectful and supportive and just like a, has a sobriety inspired apifany she realizes she's been making fair divorce all about her.

35:09

She finally realizes that her parents have moved on.

35:12

And now it's time for Jessica to do the same.

35:16

It's

35:16

August

35:16

9th,

35:23

2018. And Jessica is at the Pacific amphitheater near Los Angeles.

35:26

She's about to do the thing.

35:29

She's always known. She was born to do sing onstage, but today she's shaking in her cowboy boots because it's been five years since she last performed for an audience.

35:41

And this first gig is no joke.

35:44

A country singer Willie Nelson is doing a concert and he invited her to come and sing with him, just like they used to do in his tour bus on the set of the Dukes of hazard minus the bong hits, unfortunately, right?

35:58

She's not getting the full Willie experience, but one song is more than enough for her right now.

36:04

She's been sober less than a year.

36:06

And she's all about facing her fears these days.

36:09

So when Willie invited her, she said, yes, but now she's wondering if she should have, I mean, five years is a long time and that's including time she performed when she was too trashed to care.

36:21

The last time she performed sober, that was ages ago.

36:26

Jessica

36:26

and

36:26

Willie

36:26

are

36:26

performing

36:26

a

36:40

song. They recently recorded called door full she's a bit tentative at first, but by the first chorus, she feels like she's finally back home.

36:49

Her whole body's tingling the way it did back in the church choir when she was just a kid, except she's not a kid anymore.

36:58

She's a woman and a mom.

37:01

She looks down and sees her husband, Eric and her kids Maxwell and ACE in the second row bouncing up and down.

37:07

They're in all her kids have never seen her sing on stage before.

37:12

And they're looking at her like she's a superhero.

37:14

They're like our mom can do this.

37:18

Jessica is absolutely glowing.

37:22

And not just because she's killing it on stage.

37:25

She and Eric just found out that she's going to have another baby.

37:29

Jessica

37:29

floats

37:29

off

37:29

the

37:35

stage. You can see it on her face in the clip.

37:37

She looks happy and accomplished.

37:39

She's conquered another fear.

37:42

That was one small song for some artists, but one giant leap for Jessica Simpson months later, Jessica takes an even bigger leap and it doesn't happen on stage or on screen.

37:58

She's standing by the Soviet home, watching tomato soup, heat up as she makes lunch for her family.

38:04

Just normal, boring mom things.

38:07

But that's when it happens.

38:09

As she puts a steaming hot bowl of soup and some bread in front of her oldest daughter, the six-year-old looks up at her and says, my friend, Bella says, bread makes you fat.

38:20

Bella's mom does not even eat bread.

38:23

Oh no, it's starting already.

38:25

That's exactly what Jessica is thinking.

38:27

Her daughter's words send her rocketing back to her own.

38:31

Six-year-old self back to everything she dealing with.

38:35

And now she thought the only way she could endure it was by being perfect.

38:39

She remembers something.

38:41

She wrote in her own diary when she was almost 30 2009.

38:45

What percentage of my day do I think about my body?

38:49

On a scale of one to 100, she wrote 80%.

38:53

I hate this.

38:55

Now the seeds of that same negative body thinking are sprouting in her daughter.

39:00

And it fills her with dread no way is she going to let Maxwell go through what she went through?

39:07

Her daughter will not spend her life fighting with her body.

39:11

Jessica decides this has to end now.

39:15

So she hikes up her mom jeans and smoothly shuts that shit down while your going to eat bread.

39:23

She says, max will smiles like this weight has been lifted off her tiny shoulders.

39:29

She's like good.

39:31

Cause I really love bread.

39:33

Oh, getting real Oprah vibes here.

39:35

Big win.

39:37

Huge. But the new Jessica Simpson is only getting started over the next several years.

39:44

Jessica keeps on bribing.

39:46

She writes a memoir about her struggles called open book.

39:49

And it goes to number one on the New York times bestseller list in November, 2021.

39:56

She and her mom buy out the rest of the shareholders and the Jessica Simpson collection.

40:01

And for the first time, the business is 100% a family affair.

40:06

A few days after that boardroom victory, she does something she hasn't done in a long time.

40:12

She releases a new single, but she doesn't do it for a label because this time she's really truly going solo like a million other unsigned musicians around the world.

40:25

She puts the track up on YouTube.

40:27

She's hoping to connect and inspire people with her music.

40:32

Full stop, no commerce, no biz, just connection.

40:36

Jessica shares a clip on Instagram and writes in the caption.

40:40

Thank you to everyone who has supported me to put my voice back into the world.

40:45

I'm ready to do what I was born to do.

40:48

And I'm grateful to all of y'all for helping me find my competence to not be quiet to my passion anymore.

40:54

The

40:54

song

40:54

is

40:54

a

40:54

cover

40:54

of

40:54

particles

40:54

by

40:54

the

40:54

British

40:54

band,

40:54

nothing

40:54

but

41:01

feeds. It came out at the same time.

41:03

Jessica got sober.

41:04

She feels like the song healed a broken part of her, and she wants to pass that healing onto others.

41:10

But she also wants to remind the world that, you know, a girl can sing.

41:16

The lyrics include lions like flirting with an addiction.

41:21

I can't shake off. My mouth is dry.

41:23

I self-medicate this calmed down won't cure itself.

41:27

This is Jessica Simpson unplugged, not just musically, but emotionally and professionally.

41:34

There are no a and R men behind the camera telling her who she needs to be.

41:39

She sings the last notes, looking straight into the camera and bows her head, grateful that she lived to see this day flaws and all.

41:50

If

41:50

you

41:50

like

41:50

our

41:50

show,

41:50

please

41:50

give

41:50

us

41:50

a

41:50

five

41:50

star

41:50

rating

41:50

and

41:50

a

41:50

review

41:50

and

41:50

be

41:50

sure

41:50

to

41:50

tell

41:50

your

42:05

friends. You can listen to even the rich ad-free by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app, you can follow the show on apple podcasts, Amazon music and the Wondery app or wherever you're listening right now.

42:18

In the episode notes, you'll find some links and offers from our sponsors.

42:21

Please support them.

42:23

Another way you can support the show is by filling out a survey at wondery.com/survey.

42:27

This

42:27

is

42:27

the

42:27

fourth

42:27

and

42:27

final

42:27

episode

42:27

of

42:27

our

42:27

four-part

42:41

series. Jessica Simpson blonde billionaire boss.

42:45

We use money sources when researching our stories, but we especially recommend open book by Jessica Simpson.

42:53

I'm Orisha, Skidmore Williams, And

42:56

I'm Brooke Sifron. Dennis Hensley wrote this episode.

42:58

Kate young is our associate producer.

43:00

Our senior producers are Natalie shisha and Ben gray.

43:03

Our audio engineer is Sergio Enriquez sound designed by James Morgan.

43:08

Our executive producers are Stephanie Jens, Jenny Lobber, Beckman and Marshall Louie for Wondery.

43:13

A quick heads up this episode contains some strong language adult situations and mentions of sexual quick heads up, this episode contains some strong language, adult situations, and mentions of sexual assault. Listener discretion is advised. It's May fifteenth two thousand 4, and Jessica Simpson is walking through a crowded chapel. Her sky high SLEDO HEELS ring out as she climbs the marble steps to the altar. Today, she's back in church where she started, but she's also Cate a long way because she's not in Texas. She's on the upper east side of Manhattan Cate one of New York City's most celebrated venues. 75 hundred eighty three Park Avenue, formerly known as the Third Church of Christ scientist. And while the place still looks like a chapel, it technically isn't one while the place still looks like a chapel. It technically isn't one anymore. Instead of pews, it's got these giant potted palms and high end ultra flattering lighting. Congregants in black tie, sip champagne, and chow down on canopies. And if they're here tonight to worship anything, it's commerce and Jessica Simpson. Please welcome to the stage Steve Forbes and Jessica Simpson, founder and chief operating officer Jessica Simpson Beckman, philanthropist, singer, and actress. Tonight, Jessica is appearing at the Forbes Summit, where she'll be interviewed by the editor in chief of the business magazine. reports on how much celebrities worth. She's got keynote billing, emphasis on the bill because the Jessica Simpson Beckman just passed one billion dollars in annual sales. This is a total big boss moment for Jessica. 75 all those years of pain and struggle and ridicule, she's made good on the promise she made to god as a child. She's using her voice for good. She's making people's lives better, and women all over the world are grateful. They love that Jessica's clothes are flattering no matter what kind of silhouette they've got. They're thankful for heels that are actually comfortable to wear. Which is why Jessica, a former pop star, is sitting on stage talking with the editor in chief of the most respected business magazine in the country. The audience sits dead quiet. They listen intently. As she talks about her mission, her business acumen and her she talks about her mission, her business acumen, and her success. It's everything she could have hoped 4, but the conversation leaves one thing out. Jessica 75, Shes doesn't feel beautiful right now, and she definitely doesn't feel comfortable in her own shoes. What none of the people at five hundred eighty Park Avenue knows is that the anxiety that's plagued Harrison's childhood is totally running the show. Jessica's business is Siffrinn, but an emotional free fall. And the worst part is, Shes has no idea why. Martha Stewart and Marley spoon is the meal kit that tastes like no other delivering fresh and premium pre-portioned ingredients for Martha Stewart's favorite recipes directly to your Martha Stewart and Marley Spoon is the meal kit that taste like no other, delivering fresh and premium pre portion ingredients 4 Martha Stewart's favorite recipes directly to your door. Yeah, so they've got options for all tastes lifestyles and for every moment, including dinner, breakfast, and dessert, Just what a Libra needs, more options, So they've got options for all tastes, lifestyles, and for every moment, including dinner, breakfast, and dessert. Just what a lever needs. More options. Right? And Martha Stewart and Marley spoon has over 40 offerings each week, which is more than any other meal And Martha Stewart and Marley Spoon has over forty offerings each week, which is more than any other meal kit. So if you're tired of grocery shopping and meal planning, sign up [email protected] using code rich for $120 off your first five So if you're tired of grocery shopping and meal planning, sign up today at marley spoon dot com using Cate rich for a hundred and twenty dollars off your first five boxes. Once again, that's marley spoon dot com promo code rich to get one hundred and twenty dollars off and enjoy delicious meals from Martha Stewart every day of the week. Hi. I'm Kelly Martin. I'm Chad Lowe on our new podcast series Shes Big Braid. Kelly and I talk with actors and take a deep dive into the magical moments that change their careers and lives forever. Follow the big break on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you're listening now. From Wondery I'm Orisha, Skidmore Williams 75 Wandery, I'm Chicha Skidmore Williams, and I'm Brooks. And this 75, and this is even the rich. In our last episode, Jessica's clothing line was on the rise. Just as her relationship with John Mayer was down in the dumps. 75 Lewy, Jessica found the strength to leave that man in the dust. And she even ditched Tony Romo, the equally possessive boyfriend who came after him. She's ready to start fresh and live her best 75. But the demons Jessica battled since childhood are not so they want to let that happen. This is episode 4, resurrection. It's May of two thousand Jenz, and Jessica's house is packed with friends. It always is these days. Jessica's moved on from Tony Romero and John Mayer. And now she's all about hanging with people who act officially love her. That means a lot of old friends and her sister Ashley. They're supposedly there to watch basketball Cate, but Jessica doesn't even know who's playing and frankly shes doesn't care. She just likes having people over at her house. It brings back the camaraderie she felt as a kid at Chicha The only difference is that these days, there's booths and lots of it. Jessica's place is never short on my basins. Jessica's in the kitchen with a 75, pouring over a dog geared book, when a mysterious stranger steps into the room. She looks up. He's handsome, muscular, and he's got these kind, curious shes. When he sees that the book she's holding is all about dream interpretation, he looks at her with wide eyes. You analyze your You analyze your dreams. He says it like it's the sexiest thing he's ever seen. Like he spent his whole life wandering the universe in search of a dream interpreting woman. Jessica looks up at him and says, yes. Because last night, I dreamed I pooped out a pig. And then that pig had a pig, and then all of us played together. Wait. So I'm not the only one who's had that dream. No. You're not. How? Jessica is done pretending. Maybe a few years ago, she would have clammed up and tied her brain in knots trying to figure out what this guy wants her to say, but she tells him the truth. And surprisingly, he's into it. They talked for the rest of the night, and it's obvious that this guy is super into real Jessica Simpson. Simpson. She realizes he's different with other She realizes he's different. With other men, shes been scared to talk, afraid. She'd say something wrong and look she'd say something wrong and look stupid. But with this mysterious stranger, there's no fear of judgment. Chicha is why as the night's winding down, Jessica stops him from leaving. You're She tells him, you should stay. Oh, I love a good. Have him washed and brought to my chambers moment. Oh, you and meet You and me both. Jessica definitely knows what she wants. So they sleep together, and it's an amazing night. But when Jessica wakes up the next morning, she's alone. Shes mysterious stranger is gone. It's a huge bummer. This guy seemed perfect in every way, but now he's disappeared on her, bummed out heads down to the kitchen. When she gets there, she finds a note scrawled on a paper towel. It's from her mystery guy, and he says he had an awesome time. And then he wants to see her again, but he has a previous commitment. I mean, at least he didn't pull up burger and break up with her on a post it. Yeah. He really did make that bar super low. Yeah. It does turn out, though, that he had a jet because he's going to an all day Mary Anne Williamson's spirituality seminar. I truly love how hard this guy gets for spirituality. Seriously. So Jessica's standing alone in her holding a scrap of paper towel, and she's kind of in disbelief. I mean, she literally says aloud to 75, this guy just left Jessica Simpson naked in bed to go see Mary Anne Williamson. The guy Jessica had such a great time with, just dot up early to go find out how love can save the world. And when Jessica invites him over a couple of nights later to watch the American Idol finale, he says, sure. But he'll be late because he has a yoga teacher training that night. Jessica's like, who is this guy? Yeah. I'm wondering the same. You're really dragging this out. Yeah. In the biz, we call that suspense. Oh, love it. But anyway, his name is Eric Johnson. Shes guy is a study in contrasts. He's a sensitive, intellectually curious guy who studied at Yale. And he's also a total stud who was a star player on the football team before making the leap to the NFL. He's a former titan for the San 75. And also the disciple of a master of Chinese spirituality in medicine. It's like God made the perfect man strong and sensitive and then send him walking right into Jessica Simpson's house. And once he does, he never really leaves. Things progress quickly and smoothly between Jessica and Eric. She's finally found a man, she doesn't have to dim her light around. He loves her. Exactly how she is. Annie loves her friends. After six months together, they decide to start a family. When Jessica gets pregnant, she's thrilled. In fact, she's so thrilled. Though when the media tries to reign on her parade because she's gained weight, Shes doesn't add an eye. One guy asks her, are you held to a higher standard because you are a sex symbol? I'm sorry, were? She's not dead baby boy. Yeah. Exactly. And that's how Jessica responds. She's like, I think I still am a sex symbol. I know my husband thinks so. Chicha is totally true. Being pregnant makes Jessica super horny. They're not actually married yet, but it feels like they are because she and Eric are having sex as much as four times a day. She's never felt more sexy or desired. In short, everything is perfect. Shes only problem is while Jessica is pulling herself together and getting ready to become a mom, her own parents can't seem to get a grip. Like Jessica always says, her father is a great man and he's good at many things. But letting go of the spotlight is not one of them. It's late April two thousand twelve. And a very pregnant Jessica Simpson is in Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles for a checkup. Our football player boyfriend has put football player sized baby in her. The kid is so big that doctors are going to have to do c section. They keep saying everything is fine. But they also keep saying they want to keep an eye on things, which is not what you want to hear when you're pregnant with your first child. So Jessica's definitely a little odd edge. And that's when Joe shows up. He says he's just there to say hello and show his support. But it's clear something's wrong. Finally, he just comes out with it and tells her I'm planning to leave your mother. Oh my god. Well, she's in the hospital. Like, does this man not have 75 buddies he can talk to? Exactly. Jessica's totally blindsided. Shes watched her parents fight all her 75, but she always figured that was just their marriage. She didn't think they'd ever actually split up. And get this. Her dad basically tells Jessica that it's because of her. He seems to mean it as compliment. He says, Thank you for showing me the way. You left a life where you felt trapped to find a life you were meant to have. Okay. I mean, his point is valid, but it probably could have waited until after a baby gets cut out of I mean shes point is valid, but It probably could have waited until after a baby gets cut out of her. Yeah. At least. And if he came to the hospital looking for a high five, Jessica leaves him hanging. She's furious. I mean, the Simpsons were a super tight 75. So Jessica's feeling incredibly sad. 75 feels lost in a way she's never felt before. Jessica and Eric's daughter, Maxwell, is born two weeks Cate. And a year after that, she gives birth to her son Now she's got a handsome, devoted husband, two adorable healthy kids and a billion dollar business. And that's the problem. All the external pressures that used to absorb her anxiety are gone. She doesn't have to worry about money anymore or finding the right guy to settle down with. Shes done all. And now that life has gotten a little calmer and a little more quiet, that old childhood anxiety has room to come roaring back, even more intensely than ever before. Cate, what about her parents divorce? She definitely sided with her mom in the She definitely sided with her mom in the breakup. Shes even fires Joe as her manager, but she's still in touch with him. Shes learned she has to keep boundaries with both of her parents. Which means she can't go crying on their shoulders anymore. And with her parents marriage in the past tense, she doesn't have the support network she's relied on her entire life. So she turns to an old favorite alcohol all the time. Everywhere Jessica goes, carries one of those gold glitter tumblers with a straw so that her kids and the rest of the world won't notice. Okay. Was there a year that the whole world lost its sense of smell and I missed it? You'd think so. She's also taking stimulants to counteract the alcohol. Mostly diet pills. And she's taking a ton of those because even though the booze definitely dulls her anxiety, it doesn't stop the constant turn of thoughts in her head. It's like inside her brain, she's slowly going back in time through a museum of all her past traumas and insecurities. And exhibit a is her body. Jessica becomes obsessed with losing weight. And after she loses the weight, she becomes obsessed with the stretch marks she's got from having two kids back to back. It's like those teenage cheerleaders are back in her head and they're louder than ever. They're the ones calling the shes, and they won't stop until Jessica has perfect teenage abs again. So she booked some plastic surgery. And that's when the wake up call comes. Jessica's on vacation in St. Bart's when she gets the Cate. It's from the doctor back in LA who's going to operate on her. He's just seen her liver levels and they're bad. In fact, they're so bad. He's worried that if he operates on her, she could die. Jessica listens and thanks him for the call. Then her brain sends his warning straight to voicemail. She goes ahead with the surgery anyway. And then when she's not happy with the results, has another one. And when she's finally got to tell me she's happy with, she realizes she's not happy at all. It's May two thousand seventeen, and Jessica Simpson is on the Ellen DeGeneres Shes to promote the collection. By this point, her anxiety has gotten so bad that she barely leaves the house. She has everything delivered. Theres even a recording studio in her house, in case she feels like making music, but she never does. And because Jessica and Eric's Place is the party house, Her social life comes to her too. So while it's a novelty to be out of the house, maybe going straight on to Ellen wasn't the greatest Nathalie. But here she is. She had a couple drinks to take the Edge 75. And now a minute into the interview, Shes fumbling for words. And have you written a song yet or you're just starting? I have about I probably have about thirty eight So maybe thirty six or thirty nine. Okay. To be fair though, numbers are hard. Yeah. You're not wrong. It doesn't take long for Jessica to notice Ellen staring into the camera like Cate you believe this drunk mess I have to put up with? Oh, please. Ellen lives for these moments. Yeah. She's loving it. I mean Jessica's breakdown is great TV. And seeing Ellen Milk the moment makes her realize just how trash she is. Let's call it wake up call number two. But Jessica just hits ignore. If she feels upset or ashamed about the Ellen disaster, she drinks those feelings away. And while the tabloids and social media might be laughing at her again, this is definitely not funny. Jessica is surviving on a diet of alcohol, diet pills, ambien, and a nonstop chorus of shitty withering voices in her head. 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Plus, candidates you invite to apply through Instant Match are three times more likely to apply to your job than those who only see it in search, also according to Indi Cate. Get started right now with a seventy five dollars sponsored job credit to upgrade your job post oldIndeed dot com slash rich. That's a seventy five dollar credit at indeed dot com slash rich. One more time. That's indeed.com/rich offer valid through January that's indeed dot com slash rich. Offer a valid through January thirty first. Terms and conditions apply. Need to Hire. You need You need indeed. For most of 2017, Jessica Simpson is absolutely positive that she doesn't have a substance abuse most of twenty seventeen, Jessica Simpson is absolutely positive that she doesn't have substance abuse problem. After all, she's always been open about how much she drinks because she doesn't think she has anything to hide. When friends her family tell her she's drinking too much? She says, I know. I'm definitely going to cut back. 4 now, I need another one. And the party goes on. Her husband, Eric loves to drink and have a good time, so do her family and friends. And when she sees how sloppy everyone around her gets after a few too many? That's when Jessica knows she doesn't have a problem. 75 all, those diet pills she takes are stimulants. They keep her on point. Even after she's had enough alcohol to kill Aussie Osbourne, Keith Richards, and all the guys in Hensley crew. Wow. That's that's a lot of alcohol. Yeah. But she has it totally under control. Especially because at the end of each night, Shes takes an ambulance to turn everything off and get her a solid, healthy, eight hours of shut eye. It's taking her three different substances to get through the day. But she's sure she has things under control until Halloween. It's the morning of October thirty 75, And Jessica and Eric are at their daughter Maxwell's Halloween pageant school. Jessica's parents, Joantina, are sitting separately with their new significant theres. In formation right behind Jessica. It's still a lot to deal with, but Jessica is nursing, her trusty It's still a lot to deal with, but Jessica's nursing her trusty glitter cup, so she's already liquored up. She feels like she has to be to deal with her parents, not to mention the eyes of all the other parents on her. The stir she causes in the suburban crowd doesn't feel like respect or admiration. Jessica feels like they're all sizing her up. Mocking her, judging her. Just like the kids used to do back when she was in school. Shes shifts in her seat and tries to focus on the concert. She cheers as Maxwell Rockstar Solo, and then she realizes, her five year old daughter is doing something Jessica is too terrified to do anymore. Sing on stage. But she still gets huge mob points. Because even in her boost up state, she's careful to give her daughter only positive non toxic messages. She doesn't tell Maxwell, you were perfect, or you look so pretty. Instead, she says, you look so happy up there. Jessica might be completely inebriated, but she's still a great mom whose laser focused on breaking cycle. Unfortunately, it's the last decent parenting she'll do that day. After the pageant, she invites her dad to come listen to new music she's working on. It comes across as a totally casual invite. But it's anything but this is a very big deal for Jessica. She hasn't made music in a long time. Chicha is why. Before she heads down to the home studio, she refills her glitter cup with booze. Just enough to take the edge off. The weight of a full tumbler gives her courage and she needs it or what she's about to do. Try to dance like our sister No one can jig like that. Even though she's not up for performing, she's been writing new songs. And a few of them are about her father. One is called party of one, which describes how alone and abandoned she felt after her parents split up just as she was becoming a mother. She has healthy boundaries with her parents now. But she never had the courage to actually express her feelings to Joe. So now she's doing it the only way she's ever known how. In Song, Joe listens Hensley, his eyes closed as the verses unfold. After the song ends, He walks over and takes Jessica in his arms. Shes shakes with tears as her father embraces her. When she can finally find words again, she says, you're not mad. Joe says no. He's just proud of her. And then he adds, I'm just sad. I'm not the one promoting it once a hustler, always a hustler, but good for I'm not the one promoting it. Ugh. Once a hustler, always a hustler slur. Mhmm. But good for Jessica. Yeah. 75 feel like there's a tiny quiet voice inside her that's trying to get out. And this is a huge step forward or at least it would be if she didn't keep drowning it in booze. And that night, Jessica realizes it too. Every year, Jessica and Eric throw these extravagant Halloween parties. And she puts lot of time, energy, and alcohol into making them Cate. But this year is different. This year, as soon as she sees her dad off, something shifts inside of her. It's like singing to him opened a door to all the 75 she's been drinking away. And once that door is open, there's no pushing a shes again. So as her dad walks back to his car, and her husband and kids are busy with Halloween party prep. Jessica Simpson collapses on her entryway door. Holy shit, does she pass out? Not quite. Shes can hear the trusty glitter cup bounce on the tile floor and roll away. 75 on her back, she stares up at the vaulted ceiling, and all the feelings she's been suppressing wash over her like a flood. She's been in denial for theres, and Joe's loving reaction to her new music brought that into sharp 75. Her problems aren't because of other people. Her problems are because of her own Chicha, and they aren't going away until she gets a grip how she's been abusing herself Nathalie and physically. Jessica says a silent prayer In the past when life got too hard, she would pray and vowed would always whisper to her. Get up Jessica, and she would find the strength to rise again. But today, as the flood of her pressed feelings threatens to drown her, she can't hear bad at all. But she does hear a voice saying, Are you okay? But it's not God's voice. It's her longtime 75, Randy. In that moment, Jessica finally lets her guard down and tells the truth. She says, no. I am not okay. It's the morning of November first twenty seventeen, and Jessica Simpson wakes up at home. Her head is pounding. Her face is sticky from the glue that held her willy Nelson facial hair in place for last night's costume. Not that she attended the party. She got all made up to look like her dukes of Hazardous buddy, while her husband was dressed up as Whelan Jennings. But as soon as she got the happy family photo for Instagram, she retreated to her room. So no trick or treating with kids. Nope. And they had like twenty golf carts to go around their gated community. Okay. First of all, that's too many golf carts. And second, missed out on all that full size candy. You know those Which people are given people are giving out. I know. Jessica was just too drunk and shattered to go. So she went to her room, popped a couple of ambience, and cried herself to sleep. Out of shame she feels for not being there for her kids last night is debilitating. So she lets Eric get them off to school. And as soon as they're gone, she fills the glitter cup with more booze. That's when her colorist shows up for their appointment. The one Jessica flies in on the regular from New York Cate, and the one she totally forgot about. So shame hangover and literal hangover be damned. She tries to pull it together. Accept this appointment isn't just the colorist. One by one, Jessica's best girlfriends descend on the house. Everyone is tense and business like. Jessica tells them she feels awful about last night. And when her friend Casey says, This is your rock bottom. Do you want to change? Jessica realizes, this is an intervention, but she doesn't resist. In fact, she's here for it. Shes as sick of her behavior as everyone else's. So hell yes. She wants to change. So one of Jessica's oldest 75, Stephanie, who she met in church as a kid, suggests that they all pray together. Shes women stand in circle, Jessica's famous blonde locks still in foils, and Stephanie starts things off. Lord, she's giving this burden to you. Then Jessica takes over. I'm giving this to you, Lord. I am your humble servant. And just then, the hair timer goes 75. And the colorist is like, Cate, you gave it to God. Now we gotta wash that stuff out now. This is really taking self care to a completely different level. It is. It gets crazier, though. 75 the colorist leaves, two in demand hair extension specialists show up to do their thing. Thank god. I mean, you'd think Jessica would dismiss them since she's in the middle of a Cate and then making life change. Mhmm. But Jessica is not the kind of person who needs privacy. So she has her first heart to part with a doctor over the phone while she's getting new extensions put in. By the end of it, everyone sobbing. Okay. And where is her husband during this intervention slash spa day? So he pops in at one point and Jessica's just like, I'm going to stop drinking. And Eric looks her right in the eye and says, then I will too. And also your friends suck for not including me in this I know. It's like an exclusive intervention by God. But later that night, a therapist Jessica's girlfriend's head research shows up at the house. And Jessica takes her down to the study. They sit across from each other, and then shes therapist says softly. Now let's talk about what brought you to this point. Recently, Jessica posted a photo from the day she got sober on Instagram. Her hair is colored 75. And the extensions look Cate. But the rest of her barely resembles the star that people think of when they hear her name. She's sitting 75 in a sweat suit. Her face is puffy and Cate. 75 the alcohol or the crying or both, She's not smiling at the camera. She's looking away and her eyes look serious and at peace. Yeah. I mean, she definitely looks like somebody who knows she needs a change, and who knows how hard it's gonna be. Because make no mistake, this process is going to be brutal. It's gonna be 75. And Jessica knows it because there's a lot of pain she's been running 75. And she has to feel it all now. Shes she quit drinking so she could actually accept failure, pain, brokenness, and self sabotage. But she's up for it. Because she knows that on the other side of that process isn't just health and happiness. It's the sound of her own true It's the sound of her own true voice. The one she's been looking for her entire The one she's been looking for her entire life. I'm Eveal Luna, and I'm hosting an all new season of En La Sala 75 Amazon music. I'm inviting my family and friends to talk about the issues you want to hear about issues that aren't discussed enough in the Latin X community, such as family values, spirituality, representation, and I'm inviting my family and friends to talk about the issues you wanna hear about. Issues that aren't discussed enough in the Latinx community such as family values, spirituality, representation, and sisterhood. But don't worry, if we're gonna get deep, we're still gonna have fun. It's gonna be a conversation unlike any other, and you've got a front row seat. All of us some point in our life, you know, have to overcome adversity and and very hard obstacles. Amazon music in LaSalla is a celebration of getting real follow Amazon Music's In LaSala is a celebration of getting real. Follow In in. LaSalla on Amazon music to get early access to on Amazon Music to get early access to episodes. You can also listen wherever you get your Amazon music. During the winter of twenty seventeen, Jessica throws herself into treatment like an honor student who's trying to get an a and breaking herself down. And this is slightly different from having a breakdown. What Jessica's doing is hard and emotional, but it's constructive. She's actually seeing herself for who she is, and she's figuring out why she is that way. She's connecting the dots. 75 the way she abused alcohol to the way she abused herself mentally. And from there, she's figuring out her relationships to the abusive people she had in her life. All the way from John Mayer to that best friend in high school who betrayed her. And once she's got all those dots down on paper, Shes can see what they all point back to. Shes time in her life when she was sexually abused, as it way too often does. Yeah. Victims of childhood abuse often walk away thinking they deserve to be hurt, that that's how they should be treated, and it shapes how they live the rest of their lives. At first, Jessica describes everything to her therapist as though they happened to another girl. Say shes girl who lived next door to the real Jessica, But over time, she's able to actually feel the feelings, process the pain, own it, and move on. And she starts to see what happened to her as a badge of honor. Her scars are proof of everything she survived. Everything she's triamped over. Her hurt shows her just how strong she really is. That is until she hits that ultimate test of sobriety and mental health. A freaking holidays When Thanksgiving rolls around, Jessica thinks about sitting at a table with her husband, her kids, her parents, and their new significant others. And she's like, how in the ever loving fuck am I going to do this over? I mean who hasn't pondered that question every year? Shes still has a lot of anger about her parents' divorce and the way it pulled the rug out from under her right as she was becoming a parent her 75. But that night Thanksgiving dinner, she sees something she never saw when she was drunk, that her parents are just people. They're 75, sure, but they're doing the best they can. It's actually really sweet. The way they tiptoe carefully around each other trying to be respectful and supportive. And Jessica has a sobriety inspired epiphany. She realizes she's been making divorce all about her. She finally realizes that her parents have moved on. And now it's time for Jessica to do the same. It's August ninth twenty eighteen, and 75 at the Pacific Amphitheater near Los Angeles. She's about to do the thing she's always known she was born to do, sing on stage. But today, she's shaking in her cowboy boots. Because it's been five years since she last performed for an audience. And this first gig is no joke. Shes country singer Willie Nelson is doing a concert, and he invited her to Cate and sing with him. Just like they used to do in his tour bus, on the set of the dukes of Hazard. Minus the bomb hits, unfortunately. Right. She's not getting the full willy experience. But one song is more than enough for her right now. She's been sober less than a year, and she's all about facing her fears these days. So when Willie invited her, she said yes. But now she's wondering if she should have. I mean, five years is a long time. And that's including times she performed when she was too trash to care. The last time she performed sober, that was ages ago. Chesapeake, Simpson, and I have the same side with you. And we want Jessica and Willie are performing a song they recently recorded called Door 75. She's a bit tentative at first. But by the first chorus, she feels like she's finally back home. Her whole body's tingling the way it did back in the church choir when she was just a kid, except she's not a kid anymore. Shes a woman and a mom. She looks down and sees her husband and her kids Maxwell and Ace in the second row bouncing up and down. Beckman awe. Her kids have never seen her sing on stage 4, and they're looking at her like she's superhero. They're like, our mom can do this. Jessica is absolutely glowing. And not just because she's killing it on stage, She and Eric just found out that she's going to have another baby. Jessica floats off the stage. You can see it on her face in clip. She looks happy and accomplished. Shes conquered another fear. That was one small song for some artists, but one giant leap for Jessica Simpson. Months later, Jessica takes an even bigger and it doesn't happen on stage or on screen. She's standing by the Soviet home, watching tomato soup heat up as she makes lunch for her family. Just normal boring mom things. But that's when it happens. As she puts a steaming hot bowl of soup and some bread in front of her oldest daughter, Shes six year old looks up at her and says, my friend Bella says bread makes you fat. Bella's mom does not even eat bread. Oh, no. It's starting already. That's exactly what Jessica's thinking. Her daughter's words send her rocketing back to her own six year old self. Back to everything she was dealing with. And now she thought the only way she could endure it was by being perfect. Shes remembers something she wrote in her own diary when she was almost thirty. Two thousand nine. What percentage of my day do I think about my body on scale of one to one hundred. She wrote, eighty percent. I hate this. Now shes of that same negative body thinking are sprouting in her daughter, and it fills her with dread. No way is she going to let Maxwell go through what she went through? Her daughter will not spend her life fighting with her body. Jessica decides this has to end now, so she hikes up her mom jeans and smoothly shuts that shit down. While you're going to eat bread, she says, Maxwell smiles like this weight has been lifted off our tiny shoulders. She's like, good. Because I really love bread. Oh, Getting Real Oprah vibes here. Mhmm. Big win. Huge. But the new Jessica Simpson is only getting started. Over the next several years, Jessica keeps on thriving. She writes a memoir about her struggles called Open Book, and it goes to number one on New York Times bestseller list. In November twenty twenty one, she and her mom buy out the rest of the shareholders in the Jessica Simpson Beckman. And for the first time, the business is one hundred percent a family affair. A few days after that boardroom victory, She does something she hasn't done in a long time. She releases a new single, but she doesn't do it through a label. Because this time, she's really truly going solo. Like a million other unsigned musicians around the world, shes puts the track up on YouTube. She's hoping to connect and inspire people with her music, 75 stop. No commerce. Nope is just connection. Jessica shares a clip on Instagram and writes in the caption. Thank you to everyone who has supported me to put my voice back into the world. I'm ready to do what I was born to do. And I'm grateful to all of you all for helping me find 75 to not be quiet to my passion anymore. The song is a cover of particles by the British band nothing but thieves. It came out at the same time Jessica got sober. She feels like the song healed a broken part of her, and she wants to pass that healing onto others. But she also wants to remind the world that You know, girl can sing. Shes lyrics include lines like flirting with an addiction. I can't shake off my mouth is dry, I self medicate. This calm down won't cure itself. This is Jessica Simpson unplugged Not just musically but emotionally and professionally. There are no a and r men behind the camera telling her who she needs to be. Shes sings the last notes looking straight into the camera that bows her head. 75 that she lived to see this day. 75 and all. If you like our show, please give us a five star rating and a review and be sure to tell your you like our show, please give us a five star rating and a review, and be sure to tell your friends. You can listen to even the rich ad free by joining Wonderry Plus in the Wonderry app. You can follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, and the Wandery app, or wherever you're listening right now. In the episode notes, you'll find some links and offers from our sponsors. Please support them. Another way you can support the show is by filling out a survey at wundery dot com slash survey. This is the fourth and final episode of our four part series. Jessica Simpson blonde billionaire boss. We use many sources when researching our stories, but we especially recommend open book. By Jessica Simpson. Aricia SkidmoreWilliams, And I'm Brooke I'm Sifron. Dennis Hensley wrote this 75. Dennis Hensley wrote this episode. Kate Young is our associate producer. Our senior producers are Natalie Sciisha and Ben Grey. Our audio engineer is Sergio sound designed by James Morgan. Executive producers are Stephanie Jenz, Beckman, and Marshall Lewy 4 wondering.