0:00

Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to even the

0:02

royals early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery

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Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple

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Podcasts. A quick

0:08

note about our show. We do a lot

0:10

of research for our stories, but we also

0:12

aren't your boring high school history class, so

0:15

some details and scenes are dramatized. And

0:17

a royal heads up, today's episode

0:19

contains sex, swearing, and one very

0:21

disgusting cocktail. Please be advised. Okay

0:31

Brooke, be honest. Was there a moment

0:33

from your childhood that scarred you for

0:35

life, and not getting that part in

0:38

Greece doesn't count? Okay, well

0:40

thank God I went on to still perform. Let's

0:42

just say that. Yeah, thank God for all of

0:44

us. But I think I've actually

0:46

told you about this before. I

0:48

used to do like front flips in my

0:50

pool, like under the water. Wow, sick

0:53

brag that you had a pool. I know. I

0:55

was like so rich. Just kidding. But I hit

0:57

my head on the bottom of the pool, and

0:59

I've never been able to do any type

1:02

of like forward movement again. Like somersaults

1:04

now scare me. It's

1:06

like, it really, really dramatized me. Wow. We

1:08

gotta get you into trauma counseling stat. But

1:12

for me, it was

1:14

when my best friend Nikki sat next to

1:16

Leroy my crush at my brother's

1:18

birthday party when we were like eight

1:20

years old. Wow, did you flip a table? If

1:23

I had the strength, I would have. You better

1:25

believe it. But you know, it's what therapy is

1:27

for. And therapy is

1:29

something the royal we're talking about

1:31

today could have really used. But

1:34

she did live all the way back in 16th century France,

1:36

so I'm going to go out on a limb and say

1:38

there was no better help or promo code rich. That

1:41

is fair, yeah. So

1:43

Brooke, we're going to talk about Catherine de Medici.

1:46

The Medici family was a wealthy and

1:48

powerful dynasty in Italy that had its

1:50

grubby hands and all kinds of drama

1:52

in the Renaissance era. I mean, if

1:54

you crack open a history book, they're probably

1:57

in it somewhere. Now, Catherine is

1:59

one of many men. The people have died and

2:01

at the age of twenty eight, she became

2:03

a queen. Not of Italy,

2:05

but of the France. And when

2:07

I say queen, I mean clean

2:09

Because she was of course supposed

2:11

to be nothing but a baby

2:14

machine or one her line of

2:16

succession gets threatened mama go to

2:18

bat for her boys and by

2:20

proxy for her own power. So

2:22

basically we're talking real life succession.

2:24

but with love triangles, murder, and

2:26

Brock, you're gonna love this one.

2:29

A whole lot of sorcery. Okay,

2:31

I do love that. January

2:43

Fifteen, Sixty Nine and Queen

2:45

Catherine. Dimitri. Of France. Walks

2:47

into a small workshop in Paris.

2:49

She doesn't look like a typical

2:52

queen. know Jules know crowns know

2:54

cape. And said she's decked out

2:56

in all black. from head to tell, it's

2:58

easier to blend in this way and avoid

3:00

being noticed. Catherine. Grief The

3:02

man. She's here to see he's draped

3:04

in a dark brown wrote that looks

3:06

five sizes too big. He's

3:08

visiting and not sure where to

3:11

look. Catherine. Gets it. I mean, it's not

3:13

every day a queen makes a house call. A

3:16

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

3:18

And at this point tattoo on

3:20

his feeling more desperate than the

3:22

Desperate Housewives. France

3:24

has been torn apart by civil. War for

3:27

years. There are a lot of people

3:29

who would love to see her and her family

3:31

dead. Which. Is why she's trying to

3:33

blend in today. If anyone sees her

3:35

at this workshop, it'll give her enemies a

3:37

perfect reason to kill her. Because.

3:39

The whole reason she's here today is

3:42

that sees trying to kill them. Oh

3:44

yeah, it's kill or be killed.

3:47

Yeah, Classic Switch or Ill the

3:49

Manchester store row of life size

3:51

bronze statues. He had built for

3:54

her Catherine Grins. They've. All

3:56

been made to resemble her biggest never

3:58

sees. And they. Look

4:00

perfect! Kaplan reaches

4:03

out and runs her fingers over one

4:05

of the smooth bronze faces. Her

4:07

hand side down to the chest where

4:09

she traces the system a screws place

4:11

over the statue sternum. The man pipes

4:13

up to say that the screws allow

4:15

the torso it open and close. Now

4:18

Brock as. A best friend of a

4:20

learned doctor. I'm so you're probably wondering, why

4:22

would a statue need an expanding torso? I

4:24

am and I honestly can't wait to find

4:27

out what's in there. Except for the other

4:29

thing, is there? There is it? There were

4:31

that. But these are no ordinary statues and

4:33

this man isn't just a regular. Sculptor V

4:35

The Sorcerer and these statues are

4:38

meant to be effigies aka replicas

4:40

of your enemy You can get

4:42

your anger out on. A

4:44

cabinet and here to smash them.

4:46

She's here to approve the final

4:48

product After she leaves, The sorcerer

4:51

will turn the screws in the

4:53

statues, casting lethal spells on their

4:55

real like human counterparts. Wow, If

4:57

he doesn't write his victims to

4:59

die in the exact lazy to

5:01

something that simply inexpensively to kill

5:04

someone, it does this. as of

5:06

this is you know the sixteen

5:08

hundreds. Anything can happen. Purple

5:10

let go of the broader. Just

5:12

examining the statues has her buzzing

5:14

with excitement and narrow dabbling in

5:17

magic. Witchcraft isn't that uncommon in

5:19

the sixteenth century, but it's definitely

5:21

Tebow. Witch trials are not just

5:23

for Salem. they happen in France

5:26

Sale. And even worse,

5:28

a queen using sorcery to destroy

5:30

her enemies. That would start a

5:33

whole lot of trouble. Open a

5:35

Copper know has either kill these

5:37

rivals or lose the crown, and

5:40

she has worked too hard to

5:42

let that happen for Catherine There

5:45

really. Is no such thing as going

5:47

to farm. Your.

5:55

Last the a vacation and you sound time

5:57

for a deep tissue massage followed by a

5:59

long my bad. A two hour nap because

6:01

you're in America excess fat and guard member and

6:03

book to stay at a final tell and resort

6:05

to and lox travel which means a four. Pm

6:08

check out and those relaxing vacation bad

6:10

can keep though enough the airport. In

6:12

the Centurion Lounge? Just this last, are

6:14

you for the plane? Back to reality

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that's A and see I got home.

7:02

From wonder I'm earn says the

7:04

Merlin around with their friends and this

7:07

is even a royal where we

7:09

bring you treat stories of the world,

7:11

king, Queen and all the wannabes in

7:13

there or this. Is

7:23

a show about the Gilded Curtain

7:25

because. The front, the whole unlovable

7:28

dad, them royal garza like

7:30

us that a hazard and

7:32

break up that and frenemies.

7:34

Merkel Thermo only there's an

7:36

indoor he had him then

7:38

sometimes. The Fall Diocese. This

7:44

three part series is all about

7:46

Catherine de Medici who plays the

7:48

long game to win and keep

7:50

the French around like a power

7:52

hungry manager. Before that was even

7:54

a thing happen once the for

7:56

yea and preserve a legendary dynasty.

7:58

Murder manipulation. And does matter. How are

8:01

they doing? This is

8:03

part weddings and was

8:05

first. Oh.

8:15

My No. My back to Fifteen

8:17

Thirty. Almost forty years before Catherine

8:19

was messing around with sexy sorcery

8:22

were at the more ah, take

8:24

convent in Florence, Italy, exam and

8:26

drab and everywhere. You turn there seems

8:28

to be another twenty foot stone wall and

8:31

beal. Eleven year old tavern is

8:33

sitting alone in one of the convents many

8:35

rooms. But. It's more like a prison

8:37

cell. There's nothing but a simple

8:39

dresser and a sad mattress on the floor.

8:42

And. If Catherine feels like a prisoner here,

8:44

It's because. See kind of as. Patterns

8:48

parents died when she was barely a few

8:50

weeks old. But. She became not just.

8:52

Any old orphan see them A D T

8:54

aka a member of one of the most.

8:56

Wealthy and influential families in Italy.

8:58

for Uncle Leo is the poop

9:01

or well and Bd. Yeah,

9:03

but even with a powerful family,

9:05

Young Kaplan is still vulnerable and

9:08

valuable. A few years ago, a

9:10

rebel army invaded Florence and took

9:12

her hostage, patty Hearst style. Happen

9:16

bounced around between convents, but it's benefits

9:18

one for. Three years while the Rebels

9:20

debate what to do with her. they're

9:22

basically trying to figure out how to

9:24

best use heard a strong arm. Her

9:26

uncle ak the Pope out of power.

9:29

So Catherine sitting there silently when she's

9:31

their soldiers at the front page, she

9:33

knows they're here for her. and she's

9:35

terrified that this will be the time

9:37

they decides he's more useful dead and

9:39

alive. She knows he has the thing

9:41

for three. see Ramesses frantically as the

9:43

dresser drawers and comes up with a

9:46

Dell blade and a non habit. This

9:48

means she's gonna. Have to get

9:50

crafty. He literally. Now she grabs

9:52

half her hair and slashes it off with

9:54

the blade. She turns around and as the

9:56

same on the other side says this is

9:58

no time for a hairpin. A

10:02

purely the day, yet sexy tight ever.

10:04

See then puts on the nuns

10:06

had it just send Soldiers burst

10:08

into. First. Capper

10:11

immediately cries out that they can't take

10:13

her anywhere because she's a nun Now

10:15

see, Have it bad, take zinc that

10:17

she's obviously a bright of Crimea sister.

10:19

Act Three: Anyone who I mean anyone

10:21

who were moved there from the convent

10:23

will be excommunicated. That's just how nuns

10:25

work. Now. I'm sure this will

10:28

suck you that the soldiers aren't buying

10:30

anything see selling and they drag around

10:32

kicking and screaming. To

10:34

Catherine surprise, see isn't executed, She

10:36

simply move to another convent with

10:38

the little fake nine is so

10:40

over season living this vicious cycle

10:42

of being bounced around for a

10:45

number of years and just as

10:47

she gets used. To a new place

10:49

she's taken away again. Kaplan

10:51

is sick of being upon for someone else

10:53

is dumb agenda and still do what ever

10:55

see. Can to avoid being any one

10:58

point ever again. Tattered.

11:04

Remains a powerless hostage for another

11:06

month before the rebellion die sound,

11:08

she does. Finally, Escaped the convent

11:10

said some but only to learn that

11:13

was is no longer a prisoner she's

11:15

still upon this time. It's for her

11:17

uncle, the pope who by the way

11:19

is actually a different pope than the

11:21

last one I mention. one died and

11:23

another took over, but they're both her

11:26

uncle's So yeah, your. Family line is mobsters.

11:28

hers is Pope's yeah. But the real important

11:30

question is how did they like her haircut?

11:34

The rebels were like we're done what science splattered on

11:36

a person and are charge like of as hair. So

11:40

here's the deal. In this era: Pope

11:42

or the Kingmakers of Europe and Catherine

11:44

with her money and her family name

11:46

is quite the commodity. So after she

11:49

turns twelve, the Pope, those full on

11:51

Italian matchmaker and accept an offer to

11:53

marry her off to the King of

11:55

France is second. Son A

11:58

despair. seriously Queens

12:00

in marriage, definitely not a good thing,

12:02

but this is the 1500s and

12:04

Catherine doesn't have a choice. Yeah, they didn't

12:06

know back then. Yeah, took them a

12:09

long time to find out. Yup,

12:11

yup, way too long. Her Uncle

12:14

Pope is basically trying to strengthen an

12:16

alliance between France and Italy. So

12:18

she's marrying this French stranger, whether she wants

12:20

to or not. It's not

12:22

all bad though. Catherine realizes this could be

12:24

her chance to find a real home. I

12:27

mean, marriage is for life, so no more

12:29

bouncing around, right? Yeah,

12:32

plus marrying a prince?

12:35

Talk about a fairy tale ending. Nothing

12:37

could possibly go wrong. It's

12:44

October of 1533 in Marseilles, France, and

12:48

14-year-old Catherine walks into one of the many

12:50

parties to celebrate her wedding. She's

12:52

dripping in gems from head to toe.

12:54

She's even got them braided into her

12:56

hair. But her outfit

12:59

pales in comparison to the opulent banquet

13:01

room. Every wall is

13:03

dripping with sheets of gold. Every

13:06

table is covered with these intricate

13:08

floral arrangements. The banquet tables

13:10

are full of food and the drinks are

13:12

flowing. Basically, you take out the

13:15

child bride and it's my kind of soiree.

13:17

Is this like a wedding reception that people

13:19

actually dance at or is it like mine?

13:22

Definitely not like yours. Okay. Catherine looks

13:24

down in her room. She just

13:26

got married to 14-year-old Henry, the spare to

13:29

the French throne. So now she's

13:31

officially a member of the French royal

13:33

family. She hopes to make a good impression.

13:36

Like anyone, she wants her new family to like

13:38

her. But more than that, she never

13:40

wants to go back to her old life. And

13:43

bonus, her new husband is

13:45

kinda cute. Okay. I

13:47

mean, if she had to marry a total stranger, she

13:49

could do a lot worse than this guy. Too

13:52

bad he's avoiding her like the plague,

13:54

which to be fair is something people

13:56

literally had back then, but this is not one

13:58

of those times. Katherine watches

14:00

him mindlessly stuffing his face full of

14:02

food. Imagine me at any party with

14:05

a buffet. I always do. It's

14:09

clear there are like 67 other places

14:12

he'd rather be. Obviously, she's

14:14

never been married before, but she's

14:16

pretty sure it's not supposed to be like this. Doesn't

14:19

he notice her dress? Or her

14:21

smile? Or her hair full of all these

14:24

shiny objects? Katherine has to

14:26

figure out some way to get him to warm up to her.

14:29

She scans the rest of the room, looking

14:31

for something, anything she can try. And

14:34

then she spots Henry's dad, King

14:36

Francis. Bingo. Katherine

14:39

makes her way across the huge ballroom. If

14:41

she can impress her father-in-law, then Henry will

14:43

have to pay attention to her, right? Basic

14:46

boy math right there. She

14:49

approaches the king, who's chatting it up with Uncle

14:51

Pope. Katherine takes one last glance

14:53

at Henry, like, get a load of this. And

14:56

then she curtsies, kneels down, and

14:58

plants a big old wet one

15:01

on the Pope's feet. Okay, thank God it

15:03

was his feet. Thank God. Get

15:07

your head out of the gutter. I was

15:10

like, the audacity, if this is real. This

15:12

is the 16th century, not a pornography.

15:15

Okay, well, kids are banging and getting

15:17

married, so I'm sorry. You're right, you're right. But

15:19

kissing the Pope's feet is a huge sign of

15:21

respect. And more importantly, the very

15:24

Catholic King of France is super

15:27

impressed. He lifts Katherine back

15:29

to her feet and places a fatherly kiss on

15:31

her forehead. She did it. But

15:34

Henry, he's too busy picking roasted pheasant

15:36

out of his teeth to notice anything

15:38

else. Katherine's bummed. Getting

15:41

her new husband to like her is going to

15:43

be tougher than she thought. Then

15:50

after the wedding, Katherine moves into Henry's humble

15:52

1500 room chateau

15:54

just outside of Paris. And

15:57

he continues to pretty much ignore her. She's

15:59

used to being an afterthought, but she thought things

16:01

would be different this time. I

16:04

mean, she is a wife now and a

16:06

member of the Royal Family. But

16:08

Henry shows little to no interest in her. Is

16:11

it possible that he just can't find her in

16:13

that giant house? You're right, 1,500

16:16

rooms? Like, Catherine

16:19

is hurt and nervous. Because her

16:21

matchmaking uncle, the Pope, died not

16:23

long after the wedding, and he

16:25

died before he paid off her

16:27

dowry, aka the money the

16:29

bride's family owes to the French king for

16:31

the marriage. So

16:33

this basically means to the Royal

16:35

Family that Catherine's value has drastically

16:38

dropped. It's like someone marrying

16:40

you for your family money and then poof,

16:42

all of a sudden that money doesn't exist

16:44

anymore. So much for those prenups,

16:46

you know? Yeah, amen. Catherine's

16:49

on shaky ground, and since she's not known for

16:51

her good looks, she's got to figure out how

16:53

to charm the guy. But no matter

16:55

what she does, he seems to be as interested in

16:57

her as you are in leaving the house for

16:59

anything ever no matter what. Oh,

17:02

then it's Blake for her. It

17:04

is Blake for her. A

17:06

few years later, Catherine finally figures out why the

17:08

guy won't notice her. Her

17:10

marriage has a third

17:12

wheel, an attractive older

17:14

woman named Diane Despoitiers.

17:17

Get this though. Not only does Diane

17:20

have almost 20 years on

17:22

Henry, she's also his former

17:24

babysitter. Oh, well, that

17:26

doesn't surprise me. I know.

17:28

And I hate that it doesn't surprise. I

17:31

know. It's so gross and inappropriate. It's so

17:33

cliche. It is. It is.

17:35

But if you ask Henry, it's Catherine

17:37

who's the third wheel, not Diane. And

17:40

to make matters worse, their affair isn't

17:42

exactly happening on the DL. Everyone

17:45

at court knows about it. Henry

17:47

is so in love with Diane that

17:49

he has an official monogram designed that

17:51

incorporates both their initials, H and D.

17:54

Stalker. Then

17:57

he had that monogram plastered on every building

17:59

he could. Some of them

18:01

are still visible today. Wow. And poor Catherine.

18:03

I mean, she's young, her emotions are all

18:05

over the place, and she fell for a

18:08

guy who is just not that into her.

18:11

Now Catherine isn't the first or the last

18:13

woman to love a guy who treats her

18:15

like shit, and of course she feels terrible

18:17

watching her husband be all over another woman.

18:20

But there are fair hurts more than just her

18:22

feelings. It could affect her place at court. Because

18:25

let's be real. Henry is too busy screwing

18:27

his side piece to be with Catherine at

18:30

night. They rarely have sex.

18:33

And not a lot of sex means not a lot of

18:35

babies. And like every royal

18:37

woman who ever existed, making

18:39

babies is priority numero uno. God, can you think

18:41

if Nick Cannon would have been a king back

18:44

in the day? Oh dear god. But

18:47

no matter what Catherine tries, she can't seem

18:49

to get Henry's attention. So she

18:52

turns her efforts to her father-in-law, the king. If

18:54

he likes her, then maybe the family will be

18:56

more likely to keep her around. So

18:59

she bonds with him over their shared love

19:01

of arts, architecture, and dance. She

19:03

teaches them all the latest steps from Italy. She's

19:06

outdoorsy and joins him on as many

19:08

hunting excursions. She also brings

19:10

her Italian cool to the stuffy French court

19:12

and earns a reputation as a hip, edgy

19:14

new royal. She introduces

19:16

a new way for French women to ride

19:18

horses just as fast as men. She

19:21

ended up being revolutionary for Julia Roberts'

19:23

character in Runaway Bride. It really was.

19:25

She was fast. But does

19:27

Henry care or even notice all her awesomeness?

19:30

Of course not. One

19:32

year rolls into the next and Catherine is

19:35

still an afterthought. The next

19:37

thing Catherine knows, ten years have gone

19:39

by and she still hasn't had a

19:41

baby. Now this all becomes a

19:43

real problem when Henry's older brother, aka the

19:46

heir to the throne, dies unexpectedly.

19:49

He didn't have any kids, so Henry is now

19:52

next in line to be king. Catherine's

19:54

whole no-baby thing used to be just

19:56

some sad kingdom gossip. But

19:59

now, the Pressure is on and

20:01

Catherine knows it. If that

20:03

wasn't bad enough, Catherine's heard

20:05

a rumor that Henry has been

20:07

tossing around the D word.

20:09

Oh no. Gas. Mmhmm.

20:12

Dith? Divorce. Oh.

20:15

God damn it. I knew it. Oh,

20:18

lack of if we're being honest. That's

20:20

true, yeah. Henry is tired of trying

20:22

to like Catherine and he wants her

20:24

gone. She has to get

20:26

pregnant like yesterday. Or she knows

20:28

she'll be chucked to LaKerb. As

20:31

a divorced woman in the 1500s and

20:33

with no family to take her in,

20:35

Catherine's options are limited. At

20:37

best, she would serve Henry's new wife.

20:40

And that shit doesn't sound best at all.

20:44

And at worst, Catherine doesn't even

20:46

want to think about what the French streets are like.

20:49

She has come too far to lose what

20:51

she's gained being married to a prince and

20:53

she refuses to back down without a fight. Her

20:56

looks and her charm weren't enough to win Henry over.

20:59

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21:01

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21:04

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21:06

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21:08

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21:10

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21:12

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2024. See site for details. It's

23:21

just after sunrise and 24 year

23:24

old Catherine sits alone in her private chambers

23:26

at the palace, nervously chewing on

23:28

the tip of her finger. On her dressing

23:31

table is her latest DIY remedy

23:33

to get pregnant. A cup

23:35

of mule pea. Oh, yum.

23:39

So scrumptious. Yeah. Catherine

23:41

is clearly so desperate that she will

23:43

try anything at this point. I

23:45

mean, it does sound gross, but

23:48

nowadays people are eating their placenta. So

23:50

it's like, have we really gotten better?

23:53

But Catherine looks at the foul-smelling liquid and tries to

23:55

drum up the courage to take a sip.

23:58

She Catches her reflection in the mirror. There And

24:00

it's like, how the hell did I let.

24:02

You talk me into this bullshit for

24:04

weeks on end. She's been combing through

24:07

Remedy Box trying to find a treatment

24:09

that would make her so fertile. she

24:11

could get pregnant just by looking at

24:13

Henry. But. Now navy, she's finally met

24:15

her match in this little drink right

24:17

here to live up to her lips.

24:20

Then puts it back down. There's no way

24:22

she can do it. The. Smallest

24:24

So bad. It's. Stinging her eyes.

24:26

Ale House? She ever going to

24:28

actually drink it? And

24:30

then she remembers the situation. Season. It's

24:33

been almost ten years without a baby

24:35

and a barren wife is a banish

24:37

device or worse. Happens like the

24:40

south up. And plug their nose

24:42

and then she down a entire

24:44

glass of meal p of. Are

24:46

we talking eight ounces? Or. Scientific

24:48

Cup or. Like a big club?

24:51

I don't know. Does it matter? I feel

24:53

like once you get past one little drop

24:55

it's you might say get sick I play.

24:57

I mean if it's burning your eyes chances

24:59

are such good for your inside. No, no.

25:01

Hands down it's the most disgusting thing she's

25:04

ever put in her mouth. I mean she's

25:06

gifts and seat daily. So a C really?

25:08

That Peggy. You

25:11

make a good point stafford fight

25:14

back tears, some out of frustration.

25:16

And some because you'll be

25:18

just taste bad. This said

25:20

it better words. So.

25:25

Spoiler. The meal piece does not

25:28

work. Wow. Blown away. I know,

25:30

I can't even believe it myself,

25:32

but Catherine has a thing for

25:34

mystical fully sense. She prays, see,

25:37

consults, astrologers, and she tries wearing

25:39

rancid poultices on her downstairs pets

25:41

Some you google it, a poultice

25:44

is like a mass of stuff

25:46

you'd. Find in nature. It's. Bound

25:48

together and you basically put it on whatever

25:50

body part isn't working. Catherine's.

25:52

is made up of ground up antlers

25:55

and cow shit oh my god that

25:57

can be guide near yahoo has or

25:59

any part of your body. Basically,

26:02

she's out Gweneth Paltrowing, Gweneth Paltrow. She's

26:04

gonna be shooting bone-brows up there in

26:06

no time. Ugh, no time at all.

26:09

And this'll also shock you. The super sexy

26:12

pulses fail her as well. So

26:15

now it's on to Plan C. Not

26:21

long after Plan B is a bust, Catherine

26:23

finds herself in the palace on

26:25

all fours. Okay. Now

26:28

I know what you're thinking, but no. They're

26:31

not playing Twister? No, they're

26:33

not. Oh, okay. Right

26:35

now, she's kneeling down and looking through a

26:38

hole in the floor. Catherine

26:40

had one of her servants drill it earlier,

26:42

and now she has a full view into

26:44

her husband's private chambers. Oh

26:46

wow. She's been waiting for a while like this,

26:48

and her neck is starting to hurt. But

26:51

she doesn't move an inch. She is not

26:53

going to miss what she's come for. Catherine

26:56

hears Henry's door open, and she

26:58

sees her husband walk in, followed

27:01

by Diane. But it's

27:03

cool, because Catherine was expecting this. It's all

27:05

part of her plan. Diane

27:07

and Henry rip off each other's clothes. Then

27:10

they're under clothes. Then they're under under

27:12

clothes. Oh god. And we all know

27:15

what happens next. Catherine

27:18

watches the...performance...intently.

27:21

She's hoping to learn a thing or two by

27:23

observing her husband and his mistress hump like rabbits.

27:26

Now if she can mimic Diane in bed, then

27:29

maybe she can rev Henry's engine too. And

27:32

then he'll want to have sex with her

27:34

more often. This is an interesting plan. Yeah,

27:36

we've got ourselves a classic case of good

27:38

girl math. But

27:40

what Catherine sees just makes her eyes well up

27:43

with tears. It's clear that

27:45

Diane and Henry have a burning desire

27:47

for one another. And

27:49

that kind of passion, you either got

27:51

it or you don't. It's true. Catherine

27:53

sits up. She can't stand to watch the two

27:55

of them any longer. Her peep show

27:58

idea was a bust. Passion

28:00

is definitely not going to happen between her and

28:02

Henry. So she realizes that she

28:04

has to take a more modern approach. And

28:07

she consults a doctor. The

28:10

doctor actually examines both Catherine and

28:13

Henry because, you know, it takes

28:15

two to tango. Mm-hmm. And

28:17

he discovers that their bodies actually do have

28:19

slight abnormalities. Now the books don't actually say

28:22

what Catherine's issue was. So I'm going

28:24

to go out on a limb and say

28:26

her vajayjay was just fine. But

28:28

as for my man Henry, his issue

28:30

was a crooked penis. Oh,

28:33

wow. That's unfortunate, honestly.

28:36

And probably really uncomfortable for

28:38

the woman. Yeah. Closely.

28:41

Basically when he was erect, it curved downward.

28:43

But the doctor is like, it's nothing a

28:45

new position won't help. And

28:47

that new position is what the French

28:49

call la la vrette, which

28:51

in 2023 speak is doggy style.

28:55

Okay, but wait, hold on. Are they

28:57

even having sex anyway? I'm

29:00

like, the doctor should prescribe maybe just sex

29:02

in the first place. Yeah, that would help.

29:05

But hang on. It gets better. Let

29:07

me tell you about their new routine. Speaking

29:09

of the prescription for having sex. So

29:12

Henry starts in bed with Diane, does

29:14

all the foreplay with her. And

29:17

once he's all horned up, he

29:19

runs upstairs to Catherine's room, which sidebar

29:21

they should have just widened that creep hole

29:23

and added a ladder to save some travel

29:26

time is what I'm saying or just

29:28

let her in the room. My God. So

29:31

Catherine gets on all fours. And

29:34

this time it is what you're thinking and wham

29:36

bam. Thank you, ma'am. Then Henry

29:38

goes back downstairs to Diane. It's

29:41

like a free some but also make it a

29:43

relay race. Yeah, truly just the

29:46

worst kind of truffle. If you ask me, I know.

29:48

I just picture Diane like squirting water in his face.

29:50

Like he just finished a round of boxing. Good

29:52

job, champ. Yeah, cut my eye. Come on.

29:55

Exactly. Yeah. But you know

29:58

what? For all the jokes, it does work. because

30:00

Catherine does get pregnant. Wow, okay.

30:03

And on January 19, 1544, the long wait is

30:05

over. She

30:08

gives birth to her very first son,

30:10

Francis, and she breathes a

30:12

huge sigh of relief. The air's

30:15

been made, the expectations been met, and

30:17

hey, it only took over 10 years.

30:21

Now Catherine's not the only happy camper. The

30:23

entire country is super excited to welcome the

30:25

new heir to the French throne. And

30:28

then she pops out two more kids. Just

30:30

in time, because only three years after

30:33

she has her first son, the king

30:35

dies, which means Henry is now the

30:37

king, and Catherine is

30:39

the queen. Catherine is gutted

30:42

to lose her father-in-law. I mean, he

30:44

was her biggest supporter, but she

30:46

must admit this new crown suits her.

30:49

She's finally someone. She's

30:51

a queen. And now that she's had a

30:53

taste of power, she never wants

30:55

to lose it. 10

31:01

years have passed since Catherine became queen. She's

31:03

still competing with Diane for Henry's attention,

31:06

but over the years, she's gotten something

31:08

arguably better than good sex. Catherine's

31:11

gotten her husband's respect. Today

31:15

she's acting as regent, aka the

31:17

substitute teacher. Henry left to

31:19

do kingly things abroad and put her in

31:21

charge. She's about to take the

31:23

podium in front of a crowd of haughty Parisians.

31:26

She's excited. Henry's finally trusting

31:28

her to do something other than

31:30

making babies, but she's

31:32

also kind of freaking out. She's

31:35

never addressed the public before, and her

31:37

first crowd is filled with Paris's upper

31:39

crust. Now, things in France right

31:41

now are not great. Spain, France's

31:43

forever enemy, is on the verge

31:45

of storming Paris, and Henry

31:48

won't be able to stop them without more troops. And

31:50

how can he get more troops? More

31:53

money, of course. And who's

31:55

tasked with asking people for it? Catherine,

31:58

of course. But

32:00

getting more money out of these wealthy Parisians is

32:02

not going to be easy. I

32:04

mean, Brooke, we have a whole

32:06

show about rich people. Uh-huh. You know how

32:08

they are. They like their money. They do.

32:10

I mean, we all do. I know. No

32:12

one wants to part with our money. Yeah, of

32:14

course. Let's just say that. So Catherine wipes

32:17

her sweaty palms on her dress. She

32:19

tells herself to get a grip. I mean,

32:21

she's the queen. She just needs to get

32:23

up there and act like it. She

32:25

takes the podium and looks out at the sea

32:27

of faces staring back at her. They

32:30

look like a bunch of teenagers suffering through dad

32:32

jokes. They know what she's about

32:34

to demand of them, and they're not here

32:36

for it at all. She

32:38

calms her nerves and greets the crowd. Her

32:41

voice is a little quiet and shaky. She

32:43

catches herself. She's got to project

32:46

more confidence or she will seriously fail

32:48

this assignment. Catherine

32:50

starts by acknowledging the shitty situation the French

32:52

are in right now. You know,

32:54

typical, I feel your pain stuff. But

32:56

then she does something very

32:58

radical for a leader at the time. Instead

33:01

of just demanding money out of the people,

33:04

she asks for it. It's

33:06

not an order or a threat. It's more

33:08

like humbling yourself to ask a friend for help.

33:11

And to Catherine's surprise, the

33:13

crowd totally hears her. She

33:15

sees their faces change from over it to

33:18

intrigued to enthusiastic. The OG

33:20

go fund me. It is

33:23

the OG go fund me. I love it.

33:25

Yeah. Catherine's eyes start tearing

33:27

up. It turns out she's actually

33:29

good at this. She knows

33:31

how to relate to people as people, and

33:34

that can make even the toughest skeptic come around.

33:37

And if this is what ruling is all about, well,

33:39

she likes it. She likes it a lot.

33:42

And she'd like to do more of it. But

33:44

unfortunately for Catherine, her queenhood is about

33:47

to be rocked. Because the

33:49

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33:52

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34:48

It's the middle of the night

34:50

on June 29, 1559, and 40-year-old

34:52

Catherine bolts up in bed, covered

34:54

in sweat. And not for

34:57

a fun or sexy reason. She

34:59

just had a nightmare. A really bad

35:01

one. In the

35:03

dream, she saw her husband Henry,

35:05

dead, covered in blood.

35:08

Now, she's had nightmares like this before. Over

35:11

the past few years, she'd occasionally wake

35:13

up screaming, claiming she saw a loved

35:15

one die. The dreams

35:17

usually don't come true, but she

35:20

still takes them seriously. Catherine is

35:22

very much a believer in the dark arts. Dabbling

35:25

in magic and astrology is pretty

35:27

common in 16th century France, and

35:29

this different household. But Catherine is

35:31

next level. She wears

35:33

a talisman made of goat and human

35:35

blood. I know, it's so gross.

35:38

And she even keeps an astrologer on the payroll.

35:40

If I had a payroll, there would be one

35:43

on there, too. Number one, yeah. But her

35:45

nightmare tonight really has

35:47

her shook. About seven years ago, her

35:49

astrologer warned her that Henry should avoid

35:51

any kind of combat in his 40th year,

35:54

or else something bad would happen. And

35:57

guess what? Henry is now 40.

36:00

and he's supposed to participate in

36:02

a celebratory joust tomorrow. Oh

36:04

geez. It's not good. This would be

36:06

a very bad time for Henry to

36:08

die. Protestantism is on the rise

36:11

in France and it's causing a lot of

36:13

fighting. Catherine, Henry, and most

36:15

of the country are Catholic. So losing

36:17

Henry would shake up France's stability just

36:19

when they, and Catherine, need it the

36:22

most. And more than all

36:24

of that, Catherine's finally found her place in

36:26

the world. She has seven

36:28

kids. She's important

36:30

and powerful by proxy of her husband.

36:33

And honestly, Catherine still loves this jabroni even

36:35

though he has never fully loved her back.

36:37

God, I hate that for her. Yeah, I

36:40

mean it makes no sense and any good

36:42

friend would have told her a long time

36:44

ago to get over him. But Catherine can't

36:46

help how she feels. Just like me

36:48

and Chris Evans. I get it. Yeah,

36:50

you get it. And

36:53

since Catherine became queen, they have

36:55

grown closer. But more like business

36:57

partners than funny business partners.

37:00

It's not the kind of closeness she wanted, but it's

37:02

the kind of closeness she'll take. Now

37:05

that things are finally going well,

37:07

Catherine refuses to just wait around and let

37:09

the universe take it all away. So

37:12

she's going to find Henry and she's going to stop

37:14

him. Okay,

37:18

Brooke, what do you think? Will a

37:20

man listen to his wife when she tells him not

37:22

to do something? In the 16th century, no less? I

37:24

mean, you could stop it. Will a man listen to

37:26

his wife? And I would have been like, no. So

37:31

the next day, Catherine sits in the

37:33

stands of a jousting ring. She's sweating

37:35

bullets under layers of gold and silver

37:37

material. But it's not the heat

37:39

or the weight of the gown that's making her fidget. As

37:42

he's so ingeniously predicted, Henry brushed Catherine

37:45

off when she tried to stop him

37:47

from jousting. Toxic masculinity

37:49

for the win. Ugh. So

37:51

here we are with Catherine terrified she's about

37:54

to watch her nightmare come true. Henry enters

37:56

the ring on his horse. He takes a lap around the

37:58

ring. Arina, Lance in

38:00

hand, showing off for the crowd. Thanks,

38:03

love of my life gone too soon, Heath Ledger

38:06

in a night sale. Oh, yeah.

38:08

Katherine keeps her eyes glued on her husband. For

38:11

the sake of everyone in this arena, and also

38:13

all of friends, she prays to

38:15

God she's wrong about today. Henry

38:18

does well in the first two jobs, and the crowd

38:20

loves him. He jokes that it's really

38:22

the horse who deserves most of the credit. I

38:24

joke that the horse doesn't wanna be here and

38:26

doesn't have a choice. Thank you, yeah. But

38:30

Katherine relaxes a little, a small smile

38:32

appearing on her lips. So

38:34

maybe this was just a dream. I mean,

38:36

she has been wrong before. Henry

38:39

readies himself for the next job. Katherine

38:41

takes a deep breath. Henry and

38:44

his opponents square off, then thunder toward

38:46

one another at top C. Each

38:48

with his lances and not the one you're at

38:50

position. The two men collide.

38:54

And they're fine, nothing happens, everyone lives

38:56

happily ever after. Well, yeah, the

38:58

end, I'm sure. Not

39:02

quite. They collide and

39:04

Katherine watches as a wing

39:07

pierces Henry's eyes. The

39:09

crowd loses their mind. Katherine

39:11

watches helplessly as Henry is carried

39:13

off the field. His helmet

39:15

is removed, but she can't be his fate.

39:18

All she can see is blood. Henry

39:26

clings to life for 10 days. Katherine

39:29

tries to stay strong, but deep down

39:31

she knows he's doomed. And on

39:33

July 10th, 1559, Henry dies. Wow.

39:38

In the days that follow, Katherine's a

39:40

wreck. She sits for hours in a

39:42

dark room, crying endlessly with her children

39:44

by her side. Her voice,

39:46

which was once confident and assured, is

39:48

now barely a whisper. And

39:51

then she really turns the drama up to 11. She

39:54

vows to only wear black from this point

39:56

on. Katherine also adopts

39:58

a broken lance her official emblem,

40:00

embossed with the words, from

40:02

this come my tears, my pain. Wow,

40:05

we love the branding. I know. Now

40:08

that emblem isn't just melodramatic. Catherine's

40:10

pain really is all consuming, but

40:12

she knows she doesn't have the

40:14

luxury of grieving forever, because

40:16

her oldest son, Francis, will now

40:18

become king. And while a

40:20

15-year-old might technically be of age, he's

40:22

still pretty young and definitely

40:25

inexperienced. Yeah, of age for what? A

40:29

age for Pokemon card training?

40:33

Yeah. But here's

40:35

the thing, the crown has a

40:37

lot of enemies, and anytime there's

40:39

a transfer of power, especially with

40:41

a teen, you know that shit

40:43

is not gonna be smooth. And

40:46

Catherine knows this. She knows the slimy men

40:48

of the court won't hesitate to use this

40:50

as an opportunity to grab power for themselves.

40:53

But Catherine's like, bitch, please.

40:56

Not on my watch. A

41:01

few weeks after Henry's death, Catherine is in

41:03

her private chamber, lighting some candles.

41:06

She's waiting for her personal astrologer, Cosimo

41:09

de Rugieri, to come and give

41:11

her a reading. Catherine

41:14

feels ready to get her life together, but

41:16

she's still worried about her young son on

41:18

the throne. She thinks that getting a peek

41:20

into the future might offer some comfort. When

41:23

Rugieri arrives, he pulls out a mirror and

41:25

sits next to Catherine. The mirror

41:28

gives off this faint glow, and he tells her

41:30

to look into it. Rugieri

41:32

explains that it can show Catherine more

41:34

than her reflection. Now,

41:36

obviously, as a fellow huge potter

41:38

head, your mind must immediately go to

41:40

the mirror of Erised, like mine. Yep,

41:43

Hufflepuff. See, you get it.

41:47

But alas, this mirror is not like

41:49

Dumbledore's. It doesn't show her her heart's

41:51

deepest desire, but it apparently

41:53

can show her the future. So

41:55

Catherine stares into the mirror like it's 1995, and

41:59

she's trying to do one of the... those magic eye puzzle

42:01

things. Oh, I remember

42:03

those. Yeah, those were fun. Yeah. Now

42:06

at first fuzzy blobs appear, and

42:08

then the blobs morph into eyes,

42:10

noses, and chins. She's seeing

42:12

faces, and not just any rando

42:14

faces, they're the faces of her

42:17

sons. Ruggieri tells Catherine to

42:19

keep watching the faces as they start to

42:21

circle the mirror. He says to

42:23

count the number of circles when each face appears, because

42:26

this number is how many years each

42:28

son will rule as king. Oh,

42:30

wow, I need to get one of those mirrors. Yeah,

42:33

me too. Catherine's

42:35

like, okay, great. She expects

42:37

to see her oldest son, Francis, circle

42:39

the mirror first, and he does. But

42:42

when it appears, his face

42:44

only makes one full revolution around

42:46

the mirror before disappearing. Catherine

42:49

lets out a yelp. This

42:51

means her firstborn will only be king

42:53

for a year, and he's

42:55

already been on the throne for the last few weeks.

42:58

His time is running out. Next,

43:01

she sees Charles, her second son. She

43:03

counts the number of revolutions before Charles

43:05

disappears. Before

43:08

she can even process this, her next

43:10

son, Henry's, face takes its turn

43:12

on this mystical merry-go-round. She

43:15

counts 13, 14, 15 times before his face fades away.

43:20

Catherine turns to Ruggieri to demand further

43:22

access. He tells her to wait and

43:24

to look in the mirror again. She

43:27

looks and sees another blob appear before

43:30

sharpening into focus. She's

43:32

expecting to see her youngest son, Air

43:34

Kuehl, but she doesn't. Her

43:37

heart sinks because the face in the mirror is

43:40

no son of hers. It

43:42

starts to circle the perimeter. Catherine

43:44

counts and hits 22 before

43:46

the face evaporates. 22

43:49

years as king for this total

43:51

interloper. Oh my God. She

43:54

feels dizzy and nearly drops the mirror.

43:57

Catherine has so many questions. One

44:00

thing is certain though. Her

44:02

line, the Valois line, her

44:05

crown, her power, her everything

44:07

is in trouble. And if

44:09

Catherine has learned anything from her time as

44:11

an orphan and unwanted wife, it's

44:14

that she can't just sit around and wait for a

44:16

miracle to change her fate. She's

44:18

gotta roll up her sleeves and get her

44:20

hands dirty. And maybe even

44:23

a little bloody. Follow

44:30

Even the Royals on the Wondery app, Amazon

44:32

Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You

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can listen to every episode of Even the

44:36

Royals early and ad-free right now by joining

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tell us about yourself by completing

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a short survey at wondery.com/survey. I

45:00

recommend Catherine de' Medici by Leonie Frieda

45:02

and The Rival Queen by Nancy

45:04

Goldstone. You can follow us, your

45:06

hosts, on socials, at Arisha Skidmar Williams

45:08

and at Brooke Sifrin. I'm

45:11

Arisha Skidmar Williams. And I'm

45:13

Brooke Sifrin. Dana Rossi wrote and produced this

45:15

episode. Story editing is by Andrew Barbeau. Sound

45:17

design is by John Moist. Our

45:20

associate producer is Hannah Ward. Our coordinating

45:22

producer is Sarah Kenny Corrigan. And our

45:24

managing producer is Sophia Martin. Julie

45:27

Magruder and Rachel Engelman are our series producers.

45:30

And our executive producers are Ginny Bloom,

45:32

Jenny Lower Beckman, Erin O'Flaherty, and Marcia

45:34

Lewy for Wondery. Hey,

45:51

I'm Arisha. And I'm Brooke. And we're

45:53

the hosts of Wondery's podcast, Even The

45:55

Rich, where we bring you absolutely true

45:57

and absolutely shocking stories about the most-

46:00

famous families and biggest celebrities the world has

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ever seen. Our newest series is all about

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Vanessa Williams, a born entertainer who always knew

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she would be famous. She made history as

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the first black Miss America, but when ghosts

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from her past derail her big break, she'll

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have to fight to prove she's more than

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a punchline. In our series,

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Vanessa Williams, American Beauty, we'll tell you how

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a talented star destined for the stage rose

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from the ashes of scandal to become a

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legendary performer. Follow Even The Rich on the

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