0:00

This episode contains strong language and

0:02

deals with drug use, mental ill health and

0:05

domestic abuse, so it won't be for

0:07

everyone.

0:14

Love bombing. We've all heard of it. When

0:17

right at the start of a relationship, one

0:19

party bombs the other with so

0:21

much love, attention and romance,

0:23

the other just can't resist. For

0:26

Stella, there was even an added layer

0:28

that it came from her high school sweetheart.

0:31

There was something romantic about

0:33

coming back together after nearly 10 years

0:36

of not seeing each other. You

0:38

know, he was my first high school boyfriend

0:41

and I just

0:44

was overwhelmed at the story of it

0:47

all.

0:48

And he just went all out and really,

0:50

he gave me a card addressed to wifey.

0:54

And he just

0:55

really was determined

0:58

that we would be in a relationship.

1:00

But while those seemingly innocent gestures

1:03

may make you feel warm and sparkly in the beginning,

1:05

there's nothing innocent about them at

1:08

all. That love and attention can

1:10

turn into control and manipulation

1:12

and the romance into gaslighting and

1:15

abuse.

1:16

And when we arrived home, we

1:19

walked up to the front door and we

1:21

noticed it was unlocked

1:23

and sort of clutched

1:25

onto each other in fear, not knowing

1:29

what to expect when we went inside. And

1:33

we walked in and we could see into the

1:35

kitchen and what looked like blood

1:37

all over the kitchen counter.

1:47

I'm Georgia Love and this is Everyone

1:50

Has an Ex. Come with me as we dive

1:52

into a collection of unconventional

1:54

stories about relationships past through

1:57

the eyes and the hearts of the very people

1:59

who lived them.

2:01

No matter how old we get, where in

2:03

the world our lives take us or with who,

2:05

we all remember our first crush,

2:08

our first kiss,

2:10

and our first blue light disco. Well,

2:13

at least Stella does. So I

2:15

was in year 11 at school.

2:18

I was 15 years

2:20

old, 15, 16, and we

2:23

actually met at an underage event

2:25

at a nightclub. I

2:30

think we just, I was there with all my friends,

2:32

he was there with his, and we just locked eyes

2:34

across the room and got

2:37

chatting. And then by the end of the night,

2:39

had a dance floor kiss and

2:42

exchanged numbers and that was

2:44

it. It was on. His name

2:47

was Rob.

2:48

He actually went to my

2:51

rival school. So our schools competed

2:54

against each other in sport. So

2:57

that was a bit of a point of contention, but

3:00

it was also, I don't know, it was

3:02

appealing to me as well because he was

3:04

a real bad boy,

3:07

I guess. He had real bad boy energy. And

3:09

I was sort of the good girl at school,

3:11

really focused on my schoolwork and,

3:14

you know, competed in sport on weekends,

3:17

didn't really go out

3:18

very much. And he was the polar

3:20

opposite. So that was the appeal

3:22

for me. The relationship

3:25

consisted of

3:27

during the week, chatting every

3:29

night on MSN Messenger, and

3:32

then he drove and

3:34

I didn't. And so on the weekends, he would come and pick

3:36

me up and we'd go to a house

3:38

party or if there wasn't

3:41

one on, I guess we'd just spend our time

3:43

hanging out at a Westfield or,

3:45

you know, McDonald's car parks, things

3:47

like that. Real epitome

3:49

of romance.

3:51

But of course, we know the real epitome

3:54

of romance when you're 16 is a public

3:56

gesture on February 14. We'd

3:59

been together for...

3:59

two months at this point. It was

4:02

Valentine's Day and I

4:05

got a call from the school office. I was at

4:07

school and they asked me to come

4:09

to the office and when I got there, there was

4:11

a teddy bear and a rose

4:13

waiting and it was

4:16

so sweet, especially for a 16, 17 year

4:18

old boy to do something like that. And

4:21

it was right before his school

4:23

formal. So yeah, I

4:26

was really pumped, got

4:28

all excited, new dress, got

4:29

my hair done and then went

4:32

to his school formal with him. And we

4:34

had a great night.

4:36

There was an after party out

4:38

in the country somewhere, so on a friend's property

4:40

and everyone got a bus out there. So

4:42

I was really pumped and it was like an

4:45

overnight camping thing out on this property.

4:47

So we went to the formal after

4:50

party, camped, it was amazing.

4:52

He dropped me home the next day

4:54

and then the following day was a Monday. I was at

4:56

school and

4:58

I got a text from him

5:00

really out of the blue, essentially

5:02

breaking up with me. So it

5:04

said something along the lines of,

5:07

I can't believe you do this to me. We're

5:09

done. I immediately tried to call him, was

5:13

feeling a bit desperate because I was sort of in

5:15

and out of classes at this point and couldn't get through

5:17

to him. I had no idea what was going on. And

5:20

I sort of spent the whole day

5:23

trying to get a hold of him, spent lunch

5:25

crying in the girls' toilets. And

5:27

at the end of the day, I managed

5:30

to convince a friend to drive me to his school.

5:32

I thought, look, if I can catch him at 330, I

5:35

know where he is. I'm just going to go and

5:37

confront him and ask him what on earth is going

5:39

on. So we arrived at the school

5:42

and

5:43

I said to him, this is so

5:45

out of the blue, what's happening? Talk to me. And

5:47

he just refused to. He was

5:49

embarrassed that I was there and he got in

5:52

his car and drove off. And

5:54

it was just fortunate that his

5:56

friends were all witnessing

5:58

this. Very embarrassing for me. but they

6:01

took the time to explain to me, look, there's this rumor

6:03

going around that you kissed someone else

6:05

at the formal on Saturday night, which

6:07

was devastating to me and also really

6:11

impossible. I was with him the entire

6:13

night. So I had no idea

6:15

where this rumor had come from, but

6:17

he wasn't believing my

6:20

son of a story. He just didn't want to speak

6:22

to me from that point on. So I spent the

6:24

whole rest of the week crying, probably

6:28

over a mixtape,

6:29

90s mixtape music. And

6:32

that was it. We were done.

6:37

I mean, this would be a really short

6:39

episode if that were true.

6:41

I had

6:42

other boyfriends, was

6:45

travelling. I moved into state a little

6:47

bit.

6:49

You know, went to uni.

6:51

Lots happened in the meantime. I had,

6:54

yeah, different relationships. And

6:57

I actually saw him over the years a few

6:59

times. We would sort of wave

7:02

at each other from across the room,

7:04

that kind of thing. I

7:07

kept on top of what

7:09

he was doing. You know, I would follow him on

7:11

social media, for example.

7:13

But we never really sat down

7:15

with each other and had a chat.

7:18

And then, yeah, it was about

7:20

a decade later that we ran into

7:22

each other. And at that time,

7:25

we were both single and

7:28

just he bought me a drink. We're at a nightclub

7:30

again. And

7:32

we just got chatting and we had heaps to

7:34

catch up on. So it was really fun.

7:37

I was just really curious. So

7:40

he was very sweet and

7:42

charming. It was almost like he

7:44

still had that 17 year

7:47

old boy sweetness. But he

7:50

had these huge broad shoulders of dark

7:53

hair, this very, very deep

7:55

voice, which

7:56

was very appealing to me. And

7:59

he was very. He had a presence when he walked into

8:02

a room. He

8:07

kind of had a strut as well, so he

8:10

would strut into a room

8:12

and he

8:14

would have a gang of friends

8:16

with him wherever he went, so he just had

8:19

this presence about him. So it's very

8:21

tentative about going there again because he

8:24

was this party boy. He

8:27

was also very much a ladies man

8:30

and I'd heard over the years that he was

8:32

just very popular with the ladies

8:34

and he lived for the weekend

8:37

whereas I was studying

8:40

and we were very

8:42

different. We were definitely flirting.

8:45

There was just this undeniable

8:48

chemistry that we had. I

8:51

didn't think it would go anywhere and

8:53

I thought, look, there's no harm in just being curious

8:56

and seeing where this goes. It

8:59

couldn't have been worth timing though. He was

9:02

about to go to Europe for a year-long

9:04

backpacking trip and I was about to

9:06

move into state to start my

9:08

master's degree. I

9:11

guess at the time I thought, look, yeah, there's

9:13

no harm done just exploring this

9:15

and seeing what happens. There was something romantic

9:18

about coming back together after

9:21

nearly 10 years of not seeing

9:23

each other. He was my first

9:25

high school boyfriend and I just

9:30

was overwhelmed at the story

9:32

of it all. He asked me out for

9:35

dinner and I went

9:38

to dinner with him and it was amazing.

9:41

We just spoke about what

9:43

our future might look like if we took things

9:45

further but we kind of talked about

9:49

what might happen after that. We'd come

9:51

back together in Melbourne

9:54

and see

9:56

where things went. So I sort

9:58

of left. on cloud nine,

10:00

I was really pumped. I was happy. It

10:03

was going to be a casual thing until

10:05

he left. And I was happy about that. And

10:08

then he ghosted me. So

10:10

I didn't hear from him for a week.

10:14

And I had sent him some texts to try

10:16

to see if things were okay. And,

10:18

you know, thanking him for dinner. Did

10:21

he want to catch up with me the next weekend, perhaps?

10:23

And I didn't hear a thing,

10:27

not a response. He didn't answer my

10:29

call when I tried to call him. And so I was mortified.

10:32

I thought, oh, my goodness, I should have seen

10:34

this coming. And so

10:36

I completely wrote him off and was furious.

10:39

And I just couldn't believe

10:41

that I was in this situation again. Stella

10:45

was mortified, angry at

10:47

herself and Rob. What possible

10:49

excuse could he have this time? And

10:51

I got a call at the end of the week. So it had

10:53

been a week since dinner from one

10:55

of his friends who said, look, Rob's

10:58

been in a car accident and he's actually

11:01

had a really serious head injury. He's

11:04

in hospital still now. And

11:06

he's been asking for you. He wants you to come

11:08

and see him. So we're going to come and pick you up

11:11

and take you to the hospital to visit him. And

11:14

so I couldn't believe it. I sort of didn't

11:16

really have time to process this before his friends

11:18

arrived. We'd

11:20

only been seeing each other for a month.

11:22

So I thought, look, I'm not going to think about

11:24

it. I'll just go and make sure he's OK. I

11:26

went in and he was very emotional

11:28

when I got there. He was really grateful that

11:31

I'd come to visit and very

11:33

apologetic that he hadn't responded to my messages.

11:36

He'd actually lost his phone in the accident and

11:38

had flown out of the car. And

11:42

he had a pretty serious head injury and was

11:44

recovering from that. So, of course, any

11:47

anger that I felt just went out the window

11:49

and I was just concerned about his well-being

11:52

at that point.

11:53

But he was still going to Europe. So

11:56

while they didn't enter into a relationship, they

11:58

kept seeing each other casually until...

11:59

he went with the knowledge that when he did,

12:02

that would be the end of this fun

12:04

few months of rekindling.

12:06

He was going away very much a single

12:08

guy. He was single.

12:10

I was moving away indefinitely.

12:13

We were going to see where things went, perhaps

12:16

when he got back, but it was a goodbye

12:18

when he left. He had

12:20

sort of kept,

12:22

he had posted a few photos

12:24

along the way and

12:27

I might have commented on them. That was

12:29

sort of the extent

12:31

of our communication.

12:33

I

12:35

had a missed call on my phone. I was at work and didn't

12:37

think anything of it. And it wasn't until

12:40

maybe a week later I got an email

12:42

from him explaining that that call

12:44

was actually him reaching out to me mid

12:47

mental health crisis. So

12:50

I think it was probably

12:52

a combination of the

12:55

recovering head injury from the car accident

12:57

as well as some substance

13:00

abuse on this Euro trip

13:02

with his mates. Lots of partying that

13:05

actually led to this. But he he called

13:07

me. He'd run apparently to a phone

13:10

booth in the rain in the middle of the night

13:12

to call me. And I didn't

13:14

answer and

13:16

he proceeded to

13:18

write a note to his friends and

13:20

then left

13:23

and they couldn't find him. And they actually found him

13:25

an hour later and he was standing

13:28

on a bridge in the middle

13:29

of Rome. So it

13:32

felt hugely meaningful that he

13:34

had tried to call me at sort of his

13:36

lowest point. And

13:39

I really was concerned for him and

13:41

had a lot of

13:43

empathy, sympathy for him at that

13:45

moment and really just wanted him to

13:48

go home and recover and give it a

13:50

proper shot where he

13:53

focused on his health. I wasn't

13:56

thinking of us romantically at that point

13:58

because the priority was him. recovering,

14:00

but I really cared for him and I wanted to be a part

14:02

of his life. He came back

14:05

to Melbourne and

14:07

so did I, about five months

14:09

later. And then as soon as I

14:11

got back, he

14:14

came to visit me. I was moving house

14:16

and he wanted to be there, hands

14:18

on helping me move house. It was purely

14:20

on a friendship basis,

14:22

but he really pulled out all the stock. Helped

14:25

me move house. He would buy me presents.

14:27

He would text me every day. The

14:32

way he treated me was as

14:35

though I was wrapped in cotton

14:37

wool. He was very protective

14:39

over me and he was very gentle

14:41

with me, whereas he sort of had this intimidating

14:45

persona on the outside, this big macho

14:47

man to everyone else, but he treated me

14:49

very differently and that was appealing

14:51

to me. He made it very

14:53

clear that he wanted to be more than friends from the

14:56

beginning. I was very hesitant

14:58

and

14:59

I wanted to just ensure he was

15:01

in the right state

15:03

of mind, essentially. I was

15:05

just hesitant firstly

15:08

to trust him and I suppose that

15:10

stemmed from what happened when I was 16. I

15:14

had my heart broken by him, but

15:16

also after what he'd

15:18

been through in Europe, I thought maybe

15:21

he wasn't in a stable place and

15:23

it

15:24

was probably best that he sort of worked

15:26

on himself. I also

15:28

was getting feedback from friends and family

15:31

that this is probably not a good idea.

15:34

It was his reputation. He

15:36

just was known to be a real

15:39

party boy. They knew what happened

15:41

in Europe as well and they sort of wanted

15:44

to shield me from anything that I might have to go

15:46

through later down the track. It was around

15:48

Christmas time and he

15:51

had told me, look, I want

15:53

to put a label on this. I want you to be my girlfriend.

15:56

I want you to be hanging out all the time. Let's

15:58

make it happen. I kept putting it off.

15:59

and putting it off, but Christmas

16:02

Eve came round and

16:04

we caught up just before we went and spent

16:06

Christmas separately with our families and

16:08

he had bought me

16:11

like

16:12

a dozen presents, designer

16:15

fragrances, handbags, jewellery,

16:18

it was nuts. And he just

16:20

went all out and really, he gave me

16:22

a card addressed to wifey and

16:26

he just really was

16:29

determined that we would be

16:31

in a relationship and I was

16:34

very, very flattered and

16:36

caved. And

16:39

from that moment on we were boyfriend and girlfriend

16:41

again. Almost a decade

16:43

after that dance floor pass at the Blue Light

16:45

Disco, they were now properly, officially,

16:48

a couple.

16:50

From that moment on it was summertime

16:52

and it was a real summer

16:55

of lust for us and there

16:57

were a lot of events

16:59

and flashy dinners and

17:02

partying together and

17:04

it was just a lot of fun

17:07

in that summer.

17:09

And then as we moved

17:12

through the months, he began

17:14

to cool off a little bit, but

17:16

he would say all the right things. So

17:21

for example, we may not see each other during the week,

17:24

only on the weekends and then he might have

17:26

plans with his friends that I sort of had to fit

17:29

around and that happened a few

17:31

weeks in a row and so I'd ask

17:33

him about it and he'd say, oh, you know, I'm so

17:36

busy at work, but it's for us. I'm

17:38

working so that we can have

17:40

a future together. I'm really putting in the

17:43

hours so that we can, you

17:45

know, go forward and do things like buy a house together

17:47

or even just go on a holiday together. He

17:50

said all the right things. He was a real smooth

17:53

talker, very charismatic

17:56

and he would suck me back in with

17:58

his words. words of affirmation,

18:01

love language kind of person. So

18:04

even though the gifts aren't that meaningful

18:06

to me, what he said

18:08

to me was, but his words and

18:10

his actions just weren't aligning at that

18:13

point. So it was a really confusing time because

18:15

on one hand,

18:17

he was really good fun and would take

18:20

me out and show me

18:22

a good time. But then on the

18:24

other hand, he

18:25

just refused to do any of the normal

18:27

couple stuff. So for example, we

18:30

never went to a supermarket together. We

18:32

never just sat and watched TV together. He

18:35

did indulge me once. So I explained

18:37

that, you know, I really, I love doing

18:40

those couple things. It's really

18:42

meaningful to just see you in

18:44

your trackies every once in a while, that kind

18:46

of thing. And so he took me

18:50

up to his house and we had dinner.

18:52

He cooked for me and then we watched a movie. And

18:55

I remember every detail of that night because it was

18:57

so meaningful, so

18:59

simple, but he really sort of

19:01

went out of his comfort zone for me.

19:04

But then that was a one off.

19:07

And the more regular thing

19:09

that he would do is I might invite him

19:11

to dinner at my house. I

19:14

then wouldn't hear from him during the day. He'd

19:17

be at work and, you know, too busy

19:19

to text me.

19:21

So I would go ahead and make dinner

19:23

as planned. And then I might get a

19:25

text from him at 8pm

19:28

saying, I'm on my way.

19:30

Sorry I'm late.

19:33

We're going out for dinner. And he would come

19:35

and pick me up

19:37

and take me out for dinner because that was

19:39

what he'd preferred to do at that time.

19:42

So he was very, you know, he

19:44

always had to call the shots. He was always in

19:46

control and he didn't see

19:48

that there should be an issue with that.

19:51

So if I said to him, look, I've made dinner

19:53

for you, for example, that's

19:56

a hurtful thing for you to not

19:59

eat that.

19:59

and instead tang me out for dinner. I

20:02

sort of didn't have a leg to stand on in his eyes

20:04

because we were going out for dinner.

20:07

What's the issue? Stella

20:12

acknowledged on paper he wasn't a good

20:14

boyfriend, but she still really liked

20:16

being with him and felt there hadn't really

20:19

been a solid reason to end it either.

20:22

This went on for about a year,

20:25

nine months

20:27

to a year, I'd say.

20:30

Then there was an event.

20:33

So my work had

20:35

a table at a gala dinner and

20:38

he agreed to come with me, which was pretty big.

20:41

And we got all dressed up and went to this gala

20:43

dinner and we were having a great night and partying

20:46

and had dinner. There was a

20:48

charity auction and he actually put in a bid

20:50

for a diamond necklace, which was very

20:53

bold and surprised me,

20:55

sort of gave me a knowing wink as

20:58

he did it.

20:59

And then we went to

21:01

a nightclub afterwards and we knew his friends

21:03

were gonna be there. So we went to meet up with

21:05

them. We're having a few drinks

21:08

and all of a sudden out of the

21:10

blue, he just said to me, okay,

21:13

it's time for you to go home now.

21:15

And I was stunned.

21:18

I didn't know where this had come from. And I sort of laughed

21:20

thinking he was joking and he marched

21:23

me out the front

21:24

and hailed a cab and

21:27

put me in the back of the cab and gave the cab $50 and said,

21:32

take her home, gave him my address.

21:34

And I was trying to

21:36

argue with him at the same time as all of this was happening

21:39

to me and I really just didn't understand what

21:41

was happening. And by the time I sort

21:43

of took a breath and realized what

21:45

was going on, I was already halfway down the street.

21:48

And so I asked the taxi driver to pull over once

21:51

I had found out where my friends

21:53

were. And I actually just got out

21:55

and said, keep the change and went on to meet

21:57

my friends. But I was...

21:59

And I thought

22:01

in my mind something

22:03

wasn't right and

22:06

I was just really angry at how he treated me.

22:09

I ended up having a really great night with my friends

22:11

and

22:12

while I was out, I ran into

22:15

some mates of mine, some guys that

22:17

I knew. One of them lived near

22:20

my parents' house and so at the end of the night, we

22:22

actually agreed to share a cab back home,

22:24

split the cost. I was still a

22:26

uni student at this point and

22:29

I knew

22:32

once I was in the cab that that was a bad

22:34

move only because I suddenly thought

22:37

if Rob finds out about this, he

22:40

is the jealous type the best of times and

22:42

I just felt guilty. If he finds out about

22:44

this before I tell him, he's going to

22:46

be furious, he's going to read into it, he's going to think

22:49

something has happened. So the next day,

22:51

he

22:52

came around to my parents' house, very

22:54

hungover in the afternoon. I

22:56

just blurted it out. I shared

22:58

a cab with one of my friends last night. I

23:01

just wanted to tell you in person so

23:03

you don't read into things. And he

23:05

just refused to get out the car and drove

23:07

off and was furious with me

23:10

and texted me afterwards saying he was

23:12

just beside himself. How

23:15

could I do this to him?

23:17

It was really confusing

23:19

for me because

23:22

I was really angry at him

23:24

for how he treated me the night before, but I also

23:26

then was overcome with guilt and how

23:28

could I do? I knew he would react like this

23:31

before I got in the cab. Why did I do

23:33

this? It was all my fault.

23:38

I spent the next week just groveling

23:41

and

23:43

trying to make up to him. It

23:46

was all very cold on his end. And

23:49

then I got a call from

23:52

one of my girlfriends at the end of the week and she

23:54

told me to

23:56

sit down and

23:58

she said,

23:59

Look, I've got some news for you that

24:02

you're not going to like to hear. It's from a reliable

24:04

source. It was actually one

24:06

of his friends who was with him

24:09

on that night of the gala dinner who had told

24:11

her this, but he had actually,

24:14

after he put me in a cabin, sent me home, he had actually

24:16

gone with his friends to spend

24:18

the night at his ex-girlfriend's house

24:21

and in her bed.

24:24

I wasn't angry. I

24:27

just felt calm

24:29

and almost

24:32

relieved that I now

24:34

had something

24:37

really solid, something

24:39

concrete that I could go to him with

24:41

to end things once and for all that

24:44

I didn't need to be.

24:50

He couldn't make excuses for, I suppose.

24:53

So he just, he

24:55

would always talk his way out of things. And I

24:57

thought, well, in this instance, there's no,

24:59

there's no getting out of this.

25:02

I was most upset,

25:04

not at the cheating, but at the

25:06

fact that he had let me

25:10

beg and grovel over sharing

25:12

a cab with a guy

25:14

when on that exact same night he

25:16

had stayed at his ex-girlfriend's house

25:18

in her bed. I actually

25:20

sat on it for a few days. I didn't message

25:23

him. He didn't message me either. So,

25:25

I mean, he was still apparently

25:27

angry at me.

25:28

So that worked in my favor and

25:31

I

25:32

waited until he did message me and I

25:35

was actually on my way out for dinner with my housemate.

25:38

It was a Friday night

25:40

and he messaged to ask me what I was doing

25:42

that weekend.

25:44

And I sort of had a laugh

25:46

with her and said, you know, he's

25:49

got, he doesn't know what's coming for him. And

25:52

I sent him a text saying, look,

25:54

I know about what happened with you

25:56

and your ex-girlfriend, uh, after

25:58

the gala dinner. And. And

26:00

obviously we are over,

26:03

but I don't want to talk about it right

26:05

now. I just need some time to call off and

26:07

then perhaps next week, sometime we

26:10

can chat

26:10

about it if you want to. He

26:14

tried to call me immediately. And

26:17

so I responded and said, look, no, I'm

26:20

going out for dinner with my housemate and

26:23

I'll speak to you next week, but not right now. I'm

26:25

still feeling quite heard about it all.

26:28

So then I put my phone away. We had dinner.

26:32

And when I looked at my phone at the end of dinner,

26:34

I had 34 missed calls.

26:37

We got in

26:38

our car to go home. She

26:41

was in my car with me. And when

26:43

we arrived home, we walked

26:46

up to the front door and we noticed

26:49

it was unlocked

26:50

and sort of clutched

26:52

onto each other in fear, not knowing

26:56

what to expect when we went inside.

26:59

And we walked in and we could see

27:01

into the kitchen and what looked like blood

27:03

all over the kitchen counter.

27:06

And

27:08

as we got closer, we realized it

27:11

was it was writing and

27:13

it said, fuck you,

27:16

bitch. And it was written

27:18

in tomato sauce.

27:22

He had broken into our house and

27:24

he was obviously very, very angry. So

27:27

my housemate and I just sort of did a lap of the

27:29

house and looked in every room to make

27:31

sure nothing was missing, nothing

27:34

was vandalized and he wasn't

27:36

in the house still. And I

27:38

was shaking in fear and we just

27:40

looked at each other and both cried. We

27:43

were terrified, but thought, you

27:46

know what, let's lock all the windows and doors.

27:49

That's the end of it. He's

27:52

obviously just wanted to make

27:54

a point and this is his message

27:57

and that's he's done now. But

28:03

I was lying in bed that night and

28:07

not sleeping. It had been a few

28:09

hours and I heard him

28:11

outside my bedroom window out on the street

28:14

screaming my name, yelling profanities,

28:18

you know,

28:19

you've got something coming for you. Look

28:23

what you've done, things like that.

28:26

The fear was paralysing. Stella

28:28

and her housemate lay in bed holding

28:30

each other in absolute terror and

28:33

silence. They didn't want him to know they

28:35

were home.

28:36

So it lasted maybe 10 minutes

28:38

and I

28:40

was really embarrassed because I lived

28:42

in a block of apartments and I thought that

28:45

the rest of the tenants or

28:48

apartment owners would be able to hear this

28:51

and he was screaming my name and

28:53

I knew they would hear this and

28:55

know

28:56

that I was involved in some

28:58

kind of

29:01

domestic abuse situation and

29:03

was just mortified. But I

29:06

just felt so fearful

29:09

because I didn't know who this person was

29:11

and I didn't know what he

29:13

was capable of and what he would do next. So

29:15

I thought, you

29:16

know, he could potentially be wanting to get into

29:18

the house again or do

29:21

something to my car that was parked out the front.

29:23

I didn't know

29:25

who this person was. I'd never

29:27

known him to behave like this.

29:29

I knew that he

29:31

was a bad boy and,

29:34

you know, he had speeding

29:36

fines and things like that. But

29:38

apart from that, he, as

29:41

far as I knew, had

29:42

never behaved in this way before,

29:45

especially not towards me, who

29:47

he was always very

29:48

gentle with. So I

29:50

felt sick to the stomach. I

29:55

just didn't know how

29:57

this person could flip

29:59

so quickly.

29:59

from apparently

30:02

loving me earlier that day to then

30:04

suddenly breaking

30:07

into my house and

30:11

potentially doing harm

30:14

to me if I was there. I didn't know

30:16

if he would have done that.

30:17

It's all I could think about, what

30:19

if I was home when this happened?

30:23

The other thing we later noticed the

30:26

next day was that one of our big

30:28

kitchen knives was missing. I'm

30:31

really pleased that I didn't notice that the night before

30:34

because it

30:36

would have just... I don't

30:38

think I could have stayed at home if I did.

30:40

I

30:40

think it was done probably

30:42

as a threat,

30:45

the whole thing. But I

30:47

really didn't think that at the time.

30:49

I just

30:52

didn't know what he was capable of

30:55

in that moment and who this

30:57

person was.

30:59

So he didn't actually try and contact me

31:01

again, which

31:03

I was pleased

31:05

about but also worried

31:08

me a little bit because I didn't know where he was, what he

31:11

was doing, but also what his frame of mind was

31:13

at that point of time. So he

31:16

didn't reach out to me. I didn't hear from him and I

31:18

certainly didn't reach out to him. And then by

31:21

the end of the week, I noticed that my car

31:23

tyres had been let down and I

31:26

just thought, that's

31:27

his doing. Who else

31:30

would have done this?

31:33

I sort of ignored it, but then spent

31:35

the weekend at my parents' house and told

31:38

them everything that had happened and they were really

31:40

concerned. Obviously,

31:42

this isn't normal behaviour. And

31:45

they said, if a stranger broke

31:47

into your house and did that, you would have gone to the

31:49

police. And especially

31:52

if the same stranger then continued

31:56

to follow you and let your

31:58

car tyres down. So they advised me. me

32:00

to go to the police and at that point I did.

32:03

How would she got here? Two weeks ago

32:05

she was in a relationship, granted not

32:07

a great one, but she thought they were relatively

32:10

happy. Now she was at a police station,

32:13

afraid of what he could be capable of.

32:15

I spoke to a really lovely

32:18

policeman who,

32:20

when I explained what had happened,

32:22

sat down with me and took

32:24

a statement. He asked

32:27

me Rob's full name and date of birth

32:29

and when he put that into the system

32:32

he said, ah yes, he's

32:34

known to us,

32:36

which was

32:37

terrifying. I think my stomach

32:39

just dropped at that point because I didn't

32:41

know why he might have been known to

32:43

the police and they weren't telling me

32:45

why.

32:47

They had a look at photos, so I'd taken

32:49

photos of the kitchen and

32:51

the car and the policeman

32:54

advised me that I'd

32:56

be able to take out an AVO if I wanted

32:59

to. I asked what that would entail

33:01

and he said, look, we would serve it to him

33:04

at work, we'd go to his workplace, present

33:06

him with this AVO and

33:10

then he wouldn't be able to contact you. I

33:12

just thought, oh, it's

33:15

so embarrassing to do that for him. He's

33:18

at his workplace, he may lose his job,

33:21

maybe it was just

33:24

a

33:24

one-off angry moment for him

33:26

and made all the excuses

33:29

for him. I really

33:31

didn't want things to escalate, which

33:33

I thought may happen if he then was

33:36

contacted by the police.

33:38

I said

33:41

no to the AVO and

33:43

the policeman said, okay, well, in that case,

33:46

what I want you to do is

33:48

if he contacts you, just ignore it. Don't

33:51

make contact with him and don't respond to

33:53

any contact from him.

33:55

I thought I can do that.

33:59

and knife stolen, her tires slashed

34:02

and verbal and emotional abuse. Stella

34:05

didn't want Rob to be embarrassed and was

34:07

still hoping for the best that this had

34:09

all been a one-off emotional response

34:11

and that things would calm down.

34:14

But

34:14

they didn't.

34:16

Then the next week my

34:18

car was egged

34:19

and

34:22

it just continued. He would appear

34:25

anywhere I was on weekends. The

34:27

first time I actually saw him

34:29

in the flesh was I was at a bar for

34:31

a friend's birthday.

34:34

My friends all came running over and

34:36

said, oh, Rob's here. He didn't attempt

34:38

to talk to me at all. I thought, okay,

34:41

well, I can stay and enjoy

34:43

the night. He just sat in a

34:46

chair for three hours staring

34:48

at me and my friends. It was very

34:51

creepy, but I was determined

34:53

not to let it ruin my girlfriend's night.

34:56

It was her birthday. We were having fun. And

34:58

so we just stayed and everyone

35:01

kept an

35:02

eye on him in the periphery,

35:05

but we all left together

35:07

as a group and made sure that I was safe.

35:10

I stayed at my parents' house.

35:13

And then I saw him again the following weekend.

35:16

He arrived at a bar that

35:18

I was at with my friends

35:20

and he actually

35:22

started throwing ice across the bar

35:25

from his drink at us.

35:27

I explained to my friends, the

35:30

police have advised that I don't respond to him

35:32

and I'm just going to leave. They

35:34

said, no, no, don't let him ruin your night.

35:38

One of my girlfriends actually went over to speak to

35:40

him and said,

35:41

knock it off basically, what are you doing?

35:44

He said, get Stella

35:46

to come and speak to me. She

35:48

said, no, she's not going to come and

35:50

talk to you. She doesn't have anything to say to you.

35:53

You've broken into her house.

35:55

We all know about this. I think you

35:57

should leave. And he denied everything.

35:59

and said, no, that wasn't me.

36:02

I didn't do that. I haven't

36:04

been anywhere near her. I haven't let down her car

36:06

tires, egged her car, anything like that.

36:08

So just denied everything.

36:11

And then he actually argued

36:14

with my friend to the point where he pushed her. And

36:16

I thought to myself, no, we're all gonna

36:18

leave now. So I took my girlfriends and we left.

36:21

And I just at that point thought,

36:23

okay, it's physical. It's

36:26

not

36:27

against me, but he's shown that he

36:29

can be physical and threatening

36:32

and intimidating. And

36:34

I just didn't want anyone around me

36:36

to be anywhere near him. It had gone too

36:38

far. She was now officially scared

36:41

of him. Her ex-boyfriend of a year, who

36:43

she'd known since she was 16, the only

36:45

way she thought she could move forward and

36:47

really feel safe

36:49

was to get away. I actually went off

36:51

grid a little bit at that point and did

36:53

some travel. I was really fortunate to be able

36:55

to take time off work. And I

36:58

went overseas for a little bit,

37:01

came back and went interstate for a

37:03

few weeks. It was summer at

37:06

this point. So lots on. I

37:08

went to a festival over New Year's.

37:11

And I started dating again when

37:13

I got back to Melbourne.

37:16

I started seeing this new

37:18

guy who's really nice. It was nothing serious,

37:21

but we were hanging out a lot, spending a lot

37:23

of time

37:24

at each other's houses.

37:25

And I had told him about Rob

37:27

and what had happened.

37:30

And then one day we

37:32

were going back to his house

37:34

and we arrived to his housemates

37:37

all standing around their kitchen counter,

37:39

looking at this dart. And

37:42

it

37:43

had been apparently found in

37:45

the driveway of their house. And it was a dart

37:47

with a letter wrapped around it. And

37:50

the letter said, I'm the boyfriend

37:52

motherfucker.

37:53

And it was in Rob's handwriting. So

37:56

the first thing I found was that

37:59

I was a little bit

37:59

thought was how has he found me

38:02

here? This

38:03

is at this new guy's

38:05

house

38:06

in a totally different area

38:09

to where I lived. I

38:12

just, I thought to myself he's

38:14

somehow tracking my movements, whether

38:17

that be via my car

38:19

or whether he's following me. I

38:22

didn't know, but it was terrifying. And

38:24

especially because I hadn't heard from him

38:26

for all of this time yet. He was

38:29

still obviously very focused on revenge

38:31

or whatever his vendetta

38:34

was at that point.

38:36

So it was really scary. I

38:39

did feel a bit of protection from

38:41

the fact that there was this guy

38:43

here with me to stand

38:45

up for me. And that probably

38:48

made me jump into that relationship

38:50

a bit too soon afterwards, because

38:52

I didn't want to be on my own. I

38:55

was scared. My parents

38:57

were very supportive of me

39:00

obviously leaving the relationship, but they weren't

39:02

supportive of me being upset about it.

39:07

I was sort of

39:08

grieving at this point. I

39:11

felt heartbroken, but felt as though I

39:13

wasn't allowed to be heartbroken because he was suddenly

39:15

this different person that everyone

39:17

hated. And we all couldn't believe

39:20

he'd behaved in this way. And everyone

39:22

suddenly forgot the guy that he was

39:24

before that. I

39:25

was really at the point of feeling

39:29

very heartbroken and grieving

39:31

the person that he was before

39:34

he showed his true colours.

39:37

And no one could understand where I

39:39

was coming from because they all knew what had then

39:42

eventuated. So I wasn't

39:44

allowed to, I felt, be upset

39:47

that the relationship was over. So it

39:50

was a weird time.

39:54

To make matters even worse, Stella

39:57

then discovered even more about the person

39:59

she thought.

39:59

she'd known.

40:01

One of my girlfriends was dating a police officer

40:05

and I had

40:06

actually told her everything that

40:08

had happened and when she told

40:10

her partner he

40:12

explained to her that

40:14

Rob actually had a

40:16

dozen convictions in his name

40:18

ranging from

40:20

driving convictions all the way

40:22

through to aggravated assault

40:25

against a police officer.

40:27

So it

40:29

was at that point that I thought okay,

40:33

you know, this is very serious

40:36

and I felt really scared

40:38

for my life

40:39

because I

40:41

just didn't know what, obviously

40:44

he was capable of assaulting a person,

40:46

he had no respect

40:48

or regard for the law.

40:51

An AVO in my mind

40:53

wasn't going to change

40:55

anything

40:56

about my situation. At every

40:59

point of contact, I thought

41:01

about going back to the police and just updating

41:04

them and making them aware of what had happened

41:06

but

41:07

each event seemed really silly

41:09

in isolation. So the fact

41:11

that I ran into him at a bar and he threw

41:13

ice at me, big deal. How

41:16

embarrassing to go to the police station and tell them

41:18

that. The dart in

41:20

the driveway, I mean,

41:22

is that really a threat?

41:25

I didn't see him do it. How would I know

41:27

it was him, you know, I was making

41:29

excuses again for why

41:32

I shouldn't be upfront about

41:35

what he was doing. Yes,

41:37

it was his handwriting but

41:39

they're not going to get a handwriting expert to have

41:41

a look at a note left in the driveway.

41:44

So I just, I didn't

41:46

think that each of these events in isolation

41:48

was enough to go to the police and

41:51

make a report or take out an AVO. And

41:54

I also knew that he was going to deny it all as

41:56

he had already to my girlfriend.

42:00

I thought, what's the point?

42:03

I didn't know what protection

42:05

they could offer me either. You

42:08

know, what were they going to do? Track his

42:10

movements?

42:12

I don't think so. She was scared

42:14

but didn't know what to do. And

42:17

then, nothing.

42:19

There was no contact from him.

42:21

Nothing more happened to her car. No

42:23

more messages in tomato sauce or darts

42:25

in a driveway.

42:27

Justella sitting on the edge, waiting

42:30

for the next thing to come.

42:32

I did realise that

42:34

anywhere I went, he was potentially

42:37

there as well.

42:38

He knew where I was at least. Somehow,

42:42

I still didn't know how, but he would

42:46

continue to appear. And so,

42:48

I was looking for him in

42:50

the crowd, wherever I was, imagining him wherever

42:53

I was,

42:55

and feeling

42:58

as though

43:00

I just could never relax fully. He

43:03

may be there at any time.

43:07

It was affecting my sleep.

43:09

It was affecting my weight, so I just

43:11

couldn't eat normally for

43:13

months after it happened.

43:15

It actually took

43:17

me years. So,

43:19

even when I moved

43:22

overseas

43:23

after two years,

43:26

after we'd broken up, I'd

43:29

lived overseas for a number

43:32

of years and I still had

43:34

nightmares about him

43:37

regularly.

43:40

I felt traumatised by it all.

43:43

I didn't know when or

43:45

where he was going to appear, but I was

43:47

certain it was going to happen.

43:49

I felt as though I was on edge

43:52

for years. And it

43:54

didn't make sense to me because I knew he couldn't

43:56

be here. I am overseas

43:58

in a new country.

43:59

He's not around me, I'm doing new things,

44:02

but I just had this

44:04

stress response, I feel,

44:07

because of what had happened, the fact

44:09

that I had

44:11

dreams and nightmares for years after

44:14

the incident and

44:17

thought that I

44:19

could see him everywhere that I was. He

44:23

played on my mind for years

44:26

after we had broken up. It

44:30

made me think that I probably did suffer

44:32

from some form of PTSD.

44:35

But nothing more did ever happen. She

44:37

never heard a word from him again. There were

44:39

no more threats, no more break-ins, and

44:42

no explanation about why he reacted

44:44

the way he did, nor any evidence

44:46

of his existence for eight whole

44:48

years,

44:49

until...

44:51

I was out at a bar one night with

44:53

some girlfriends and I saw him across

44:56

the room and I just

44:59

almost had a panic attack. I didn't think

45:01

that he would come anywhere near me and I

45:04

think he probably really panicked as

45:06

well because he did see me from across

45:08

the room. I wouldn't

45:10

look at him. I just turned

45:12

to my friend and said, oh my God, Rob's

45:14

here. And

45:17

she just sort of shielded me from

45:19

him and he

45:20

looked over to her and then walked

45:23

out. So I know that

45:25

he still lives in Melbourne and a

45:28

few of my friends actually follow him

45:30

on social media and

45:32

will keep me posted about

45:35

what he's up to.

45:37

But I'm no longer

45:39

in

45:40

Melbourne and I feel as though I am

45:43

in a place where I don't need to look

45:45

over my shoulder anymore.

45:47

Stella's done a lot of work on herself to

45:49

be able to trust again, not only

45:51

others, but herself and her judgment of character.

45:54

But she's now in a good place and

45:56

importantly has learnt not to

45:59

blame herself.

46:00

I think what's really clear to me

46:02

now is that this was never something

46:04

that I could have predicted. It's

46:07

not something that I brought

46:10

upon myself or asked

46:12

for or

46:15

created. I didn't go

46:17

out seeking drama. I really

46:20

just wanted a nice normal

46:23

relationship and I really cared for this

46:25

person

46:25

and

46:27

so I suppose

46:32

what I've learnt is that it

46:35

didn't happen because of a flaw in my personality.

46:39

Some people have

46:42

the capacity to change

46:45

I suppose. Yeah unfortunately

46:48

for him he is

46:50

the one who needs to go and do the work

46:52

now. It's his problem

46:54

and

46:56

not mine.

46:59

I now see that

47:01

actually it's

47:02

nothing that I could have done differently. It's

47:04

not that I had to change my personality

47:07

to be resilient against this kind of thing

47:10

or protect myself initially against someone

47:12

like this and that

47:15

there really wasn't anything that I could have

47:17

done nor were there any

47:19

even warning signs that this was going to

47:21

happen. So I do

47:23

wish now that I

47:25

did take out Navio early but

47:28

again with the beauty of hindsight I

47:31

can see now there was a pattern of

47:33

behavior that I couldn't see at the time

47:35

and so it seemed very trivial

47:37

to me the fact that you know this event

47:39

was a one-off he was very angry or

47:42

you know okay now there's

47:44

two events that have happened or that now there's three

47:46

you know they're just small instances

47:49

surely it's not going to continue

47:52

even though

47:53

deep down I did believe that they would

47:55

continue obviously if I was

47:57

scared of him. So

48:00

I do wish now that I had taken

48:03

the advice from the police and taken out

48:05

an AVO and maybe that

48:07

would have deterred him

48:10

from continuing to

48:12

harass me. I don't know

48:14

though, and I do know that the

48:17

statistics say that when you end

48:19

a relationship that

48:22

has the potential to be

48:24

violent or is violent, that's

48:26

sort of the

48:27

riskiest time for your safety. So

48:30

it's really

48:34

hard to predict what might have happened differently.

48:37

And she wants anyone else going through anything

48:39

similar to know they're not alone. I

48:42

think it's really important to listen

48:45

to those who love you, who listen to

48:47

people around you,

48:50

listen to your family and friends.

48:52

They will have your

48:54

best interests at

48:57

heart. They also have the

48:59

perspective of seeing things from

49:01

the outside and not being

49:04

clouded by emotions and

49:07

not having

49:09

another person in their ear

49:11

telling them

49:12

whatever message they'd like to get across.

49:15

So I think it's important

49:17

to

49:18

surround yourself with people who care for you

49:20

and listen to

49:21

them when they give their advice. And

49:25

life now for Stella? So

49:27

while I was overseas, I met

49:29

my now husband. We actually met

49:32

on a dating app and

49:35

very happily married

49:37

with two little kids

49:40

and living back in Australia

49:42

together.

49:44

And

49:45

yeah, he is a

49:47

beautiful person. He's

49:50

kind and compassionate. And

49:53

yeah, I struck gold there.

49:59

Life is...

50:00

brilliant. I'm

50:02

living in a place that I've wanted

50:04

to live for ages

50:06

and we we're

50:09

just very happy enjoying the

50:11

simple things in life. I just said

50:14

to my husband this morning that my

50:16

favourite part of the day is being together

50:19

in the mornings, having

50:21

breakfast with all of us, both

50:24

the kids. It's absolute mayhem

50:26

and it's messy and it's

50:30

fun and there's

50:33

lots of noise but I wouldn't have it

50:35

any other way. We wear trackies

50:37

together and he cooks

50:39

for me and lets me cook for him. It's

50:42

perfect.

50:56

Everyone Has an Ex is a Minty Media

50:58

production. It's written and narrated

51:00

by me, Georgia Love, produced

51:02

by Linda Scott and edited by Matt

51:05

Sofo. If you like what you've heard you

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can support the podcast by hitting subscribe,

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has an ex. If you have a story you'd like

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