0:01

Hello everyone! Thank you for joining

0:04

me for another week of Ask Floss. Okay,

0:06

let's get right into it with the first question.

0:11

What would be or is in your dating app

0:13

bio? So I'm not on any dating

0:15

apps, but what would be in my dating app

0:18

bio? It would be something silly like,

0:20

let's go find a spot to frolic and fuck

0:22

in the sun.

0:23

That would be the bio.

0:25

Moving on to the next question. I find

0:27

it easier to speak out when men I don't really know

0:30

are making me or my friends uncomfortable. But

0:32

when it's a close friend of over 13 years, I'm

0:34

finding it really hard to speak up and say something.

0:36

Do you have any advice about how to talk to your closest

0:39

mates when they're overstepping some boundaries? Yeah,

0:41

because you're dealing with a lot of guilt and you're dealing

0:43

with a lot of holding the weight of their feelings,

0:46

right? And I think that there's a fine line

0:48

between asserting yourself and

0:52

being able to stand up for what you believe in and

0:55

then feeling like you're infringing on the friendship or whatever.

0:57

But a safe friendship allows you to

0:59

assert yourself and stand up for your opinions.

1:01

You should be able to actually not

1:03

only assert yourself, but sometimes be a bit of a

1:06

dick in a space that is safe

1:09

and then apologise later. Do you

1:11

know what I mean? So even if I'm the

1:13

fact you're even asking me this question kind

1:15

of shows to me that you're not even really like

1:19

capable of being the worst person on earth.

1:21

So if you think the worst person, your version

1:23

of being the worst person on earth is probably saying, hey,

1:26

that was really offensive. That is not

1:28

like people. People are liars. People are

1:30

manipulators. What you're doing is not

1:33

a bad thing. So try to get out of your head that

1:35

by asserting your opinion in a friendship and

1:37

talking to someone about their behaviour is like the

1:40

worst thing on earth. It really is not.

1:43

And I think that what perhaps you're

1:46

afraid of again, I don't know, situation is

1:48

kind of rocking the boat with the dynamic when

1:50

we're friends with people, we tend to have

1:52

these almost like invisible contracts

1:55

of what the friendship is. And if the

1:57

friendship dynamic is, let's say, currently

2:00

let's say the friends around you are more dominant

2:02

and they make all the plans, they make all the decisions and

2:05

you're someone in the friendship who's submissive. And

2:07

when you finally stand up for yourself, that

2:09

kind of becomes a problem and it's harder to stand

2:11

up for yourself than it would be for

2:13

someone who's used to doing it because you change

2:16

the contract of the friendship. Even though

2:18

contracts between friendships are never actually said out

2:20

loud, there are these rules that just happen and

2:22

then become set, especially when they become

2:24

a pattern over time. So what I would

2:26

say is you are going to change a pattern

2:29

here. If you're not used to speaking out to

2:30

your friends or if it's your guy friends, then you're changing

2:33

a pattern and patterns take time to

2:35

form. So if you're going to change a pattern,

2:38

you might have to, don't expect to

2:40

tell someone who's had a pattern of years and years and years

2:42

to change it in one go. What I

2:45

look for in personal growth and progress

2:48

is someone who tries

2:51

and then tries again and tries again. And then if they mess up,

2:53

they go, oh, sorry, I didn't mean to say that. I really, I'm

2:55

really working on this, whatever. I

2:57

think I like to see those kinds of signs of growth in those

2:59

friendships. So that's the kind of things I would say to

3:02

look out for. Okay. Onto the

3:04

next question. Hey, Floss, I'm a queer

3:06

woman with a bit of a dilemma. At the start

3:08

of my sexuality journey, I questioned whether I liked

3:10

girls or femme presenting people, but now

3:12

it's turned around to be the quite opposite. I

3:15

know that I love women, but it's men I'm bloody confused

3:17

about. It's like I can

3:19

be emotionally and mentally attracted

3:21

to men in theory. But when it's time

3:23

to take the next step, I'm just not that physically

3:26

attracted to them in an intimate way. It's

3:28

frustrating and confusing that these three types of attraction

3:30

just don't align entirely for me. Can

3:32

you talk a bit about the different types of attraction and how

3:35

to navigate them? So I'm no expert on

3:37

your sexuality. I'm an expert

3:39

on mine. And even then I still don't fucking

3:41

know, babes. So I resonate

3:45

a lot with the whole, oh, at the start of my

3:47

journey, I was wondering whether I like girls. Now I don't

3:49

know if I like men.

3:51

Totally relate and resonate with that.

3:53

My number one thing, people ask me all the time, Floss,

3:55

how did you know if you were bi or lesbian? I

3:58

still don't know. And I'm okay never knowing.

3:59

I think that that was the point of acceptance for me.

4:02

You've asked me here, you know, like it's all confusing.

4:04

That's okay.

4:06

And I think Jen Winston, she wrote

4:08

the book Greedy and it's all about

4:10

being bisexual. It's amazing. You should definitely

4:12

go read it and buy it. She said,

4:15

perhaps the most queer thing of all is confusion.

4:18

And I think it is. It's confusion about

4:20

your sexuality and then you get onto gender and

4:22

you're like, oh fuck, how much of me is a woman? And

4:26

how much of that is fucking programmed? What even

4:28

is a woman? And you go into this kind of like existential

4:31

spiral where you're wondering what's

4:34

what and who's what and what's this and what's that. That's

4:37

okay. And honestly, I

4:39

would try to reframe the perspective and look at it as a

4:41

fucking beautiful thing that you're

4:43

at this place of questioning everything. A lot of people wouldn't

4:45

even get to this point of questioning their

4:48

decisions, questioning their sexuality, questioning the way they

4:50

are. I think it's a really gorgeous place to be in. Try

4:53

if you can to just accept that you

4:55

may never know. You may never

4:57

know who you find hot, and

5:00

that's okay. I understand that sometimes

5:02

it's great to have labels because we find community

5:04

in labels, but try just talking

5:07

to a bunch of other confused bisexuals. Honestly,

5:10

because there are a lot of them. Okay, onto

5:12

the next question.

5:14

Hey Floss, I've been binging all of your content on

5:16

body image. Just finished the one with Lindsay

5:18

and Lexi and oh my God, I felt that. I'm

5:20

a CrossFit athlete and I'm never more in my body than

5:22

when I'm training. And we use that phrase, your

5:24

body is an instrument, not an ornament.

5:27

But it's so difficult because we often get

5:29

so much hope for the way we look. Despite

5:31

just doing our sport for enjoyment, we get

5:33

the you look like a man comments and

5:36

don't get too big, et cetera. Because

5:38

I guess we're not performing traditional femininity. I'm

5:40

a bigger girl, size 18, and my platform

5:43

spans across to body positivity too,

5:45

for that reason. I have body fat and muscle

5:47

and I want to appreciate my body more for what it can

5:49

do than what it looks like. But we get so much

5:51

pushback from particularly women, even

5:54

in the body positive community about our bodies. I

5:56

guess my question is,

5:57

why do you think muscular women still get so much hate

5:59

for having muscles?

5:59

and what do you think we can do about this?

6:02

I think it all comes down to like your basic

6:05

classic misogyny and not

6:07

liking masculinity on women and wrapping

6:09

a fucking pretty bow around it. Do you know what I mean? Like

6:13

people are going to be, I don't even know, like don't

6:15

get too big, you look like a man. It's

6:18

so also transphobic. It's just

6:20

bullshit. It's bullshit, babe. It's bullshit.

6:23

It's classic sexist bullshit. There's

6:25

no other word for it and I'm so glad that you

6:28

can see that it's bullshit. It's their ignorance. It's

6:31

not your problem. Just keep doing what you're fucking

6:33

doing. Sounds like you're doing a great job. Sounds

6:36

like you're empowering a lot of people, particularly

6:38

women who want to work out and want

6:41

to feel strong and want to feel great in their bodies. That

6:43

should not be an experience reserved for fucking

6:45

men.

6:47

Just keep doing you. Honestly,

6:49

you've got this. Okay,

6:52

on to the next question. I'm 24

6:53

and a bisexual woman but I've

6:55

never actually kissed or slept with another woman. I

6:58

was in a long-term relationship with a man during my years

7:00

of sexual exploration but now that I'm single

7:02

and ready to mingle, I'm so anxious and scared

7:04

of sleeping with a woman for the first time. Do

7:06

you have any advice or affirmations to get over my

7:08

fears? Yes.

7:10

Just remember, if you're sleeping with

7:12

another woman, it's going to be

7:15

different but also not that different. It's

7:17

two bodies smooshing together.

7:20

Yes, you use your hands a lot more than

7:22

you do if you're having sex with someone

7:24

with a penis and it's going to be different,

7:27

it's probably going to be longer, probably

7:29

going to be... It's just going to be different. Different,

7:32

not scary. I want you to know that. Different,

7:34

not scary. And different feels like

7:36

scary sometimes because it's unknown and it's

7:39

totally normal that you're

7:41

going to feel like this is scary but it's

7:44

only scary because it's unknown. And unknown can

7:46

also be extremely fucking

7:48

exciting. Any advice? You

7:51

need to feel confident in yourself going into it. Try

7:53

to talk to the woman that you're going to have sex with about

7:56

your feelings beforehand, talking about sex on the

7:58

internet. the date before

8:00

you actually go and shag is a really good idea and

8:03

all that kind of stuff that definitely helped prep me

8:06

before I took a woman home.

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10:33

Okay, next question. Floss talk

10:35

to me about astrology. Sun sign, moon

10:37

sign, rising sign. I don't want

10:39

to share them because sometimes when

10:41

you share them I've had people

10:44

cast spells and do weird

10:46

things to me once

10:49

I've told them my

10:51

big three. So I'm going to keep that in

10:53

my back pocket. Okay,

10:57

onto the next question. Is Ertha

10:59

based on you? No, Ertha

11:01

is a lot braver than me. I feel like I lived

11:04

vicariously through Ertha in

11:06

the novel. She's a lot braver than me. She's

11:08

also a lot more naive and the journey that

11:10

Ertha goes on is

11:13

very extreme. But definitely

11:15

I've pulled from my own emotions that I felt

11:17

before. I feel like most writers have to pull

11:19

from the horrible experiences

11:22

and feelings that you've had and the joyful experiences

11:25

that you had as well when it comes

11:27

to writing metaphors about how you

11:29

feel about things, how I feel about

11:31

sunsets, how I feel about women, all those

11:34

sorts of feelings I've had to pull from

11:37

my life. And I think that

11:39

the characters in the novel

11:41

are so rich and complex

11:43

because I've pulled from things I've seen and things I've

11:45

experienced. But I wish I was as brave

11:48

as Ertha in my novel.

11:50

Okay, onto the next question. Can

11:52

we have an audio tat tour?

11:55

Okay, yeah. So on my left

11:57

hand I have a rose and on my right

11:59

hand

11:59

I have a snake and a little sparkly

12:02

thingy. All of those are done by Molly

12:04

the Bumting on Instagram. On my

12:06

legs I have a cowgirl and

12:08

a tattoo on my other thigh

12:10

that says, Oh Sweet Nothin', which is my

12:13

favorite Velvet Underground song.

12:15

Then on my right arm I have,

12:18

hold on, I need

12:20

to take my jacket off to have a look. On

12:23

my right arm I have a cowboy boot. I

12:25

have a woman's face with some

12:27

cherries underneath it that says,

12:29

Just Like Honey, which is a Jesus

12:31

and Mary chain song. Then I have

12:34

a woman holding a Martini glass. That was by

12:36

Girl New York on Instagram. And

12:39

then on my left arm I have a tattoo that says, Gut

12:41

feeling by Happy For Never on

12:43

Instagram. That's their name.

12:46

They are in Glasgow. And

12:49

then I have my first ever tattoo, which is of

12:51

a naked woman by Sweet

12:52

as a Nut. She also did my cowgirl. And

12:55

then I have a tattoo that I got when I was drunk, which

12:57

is a simple arrow.

12:59

No, it's a simple heart with

13:01

a bow and arrow through it. Not the bow, just the

13:03

arrow. That's my shitty

13:06

tattoo tool. There you go. Oh, I also have one

13:08

that just says, Women on the back of my arm.

13:10

Okay, on to the next question. Hi,

13:12

I'd like my question to be anonymous. Love the podcast,

13:15

really need your advice. I feel my friends

13:17

have left me out. They've started to do stuff without me

13:19

and stop texting. I haven't settled down anything

13:21

to cause this as I'm very easy going and laid back

13:23

within our group. I see them out all the time and

13:25

I'm just left to my own company. I feel very

13:28

upset and depressive over this. It's left me irritated

13:30

at my life and myself. Is friendship grief

13:32

a real thing? And if so, how can I handle

13:34

it? That sounds so horrible

13:37

and isolating and lonely. And the first thing that

13:39

came to my mind was, well, it's happened to

13:41

me before. And it was in my

13:43

situation when I started to do things

13:47

that opposed the group. So it's

13:49

a bit like, and I'm not being dramatic when

13:51

I say this, please take this as an extreme metaphor.

13:54

It's a bit like a cult. A friendship group

13:56

has rules, right? So if one person

13:58

in the group decides to deviate,

13:59

from those rules even slightly

14:02

a little bit, it can be seen

14:04

as an opposition to the group and to the identity

14:06

of the people in the group. So you've not

14:09

said that you've done anything differently, but it could

14:11

literally be that you've stopped,

14:14

let's say all your friends smoke and you've

14:16

stopped smoking and this is an immature group

14:18

of people. They might start to

14:20

do the whole you think you're too good

14:22

for us thing now or you don't

14:25

want to come to this place because you don't smoke

14:27

and then all of a sudden the dynamic changes because

14:29

people assume that you don't want to go to places because you

14:31

don't smoke. Or it could be that you're

14:34

not in a nice

14:36

friendship group where you've started to get nice

14:38

things for yourself and people think that you've betrayed

14:40

the group because you've outgrown them. I would

14:43

definitely Google

14:44

crabs in a bucket,

14:46

the metaphor, crabs in a bucket, which

14:50

basically describes how when crabs are caught at sea

14:52

and they land in a bucket they can collectively

14:54

help each other to get out of the bucket and escape

14:57

and survive and thrive. But what they do instead

14:59

is when one crab

15:01

almost claws its way out of the bucket they

15:04

all collectively pull the crab down because

15:06

they don't want the crab to survive.

15:09

They

15:09

just want everyone in the bucket to die with them.

15:12

And this happens in communities, it happens

15:14

in small towns, it happens in friendship groups. If there's

15:16

a pattern established they would rather pull you down

15:18

and sometimes the way that women pull other women down

15:21

is by making them feel weak by isolating

15:23

them. And that happens, it

15:25

happens a lot, it's not nice but sometimes

15:27

it happens and it has nothing on you. If anything

15:30

it's often a reflection of your greatness because they

15:33

need to do all of the things to reduce your strength. It

15:35

could also be absolutely none of those things. Again

15:37

this is completely unprofessional advice but I'm basing it

15:40

off my experience. Okay,

15:42

on to the next question. How do I handle

15:44

all of this pain and fear and rage I feel in the aftermath

15:47

of Roe v Wade being overturned? So

15:51

everyone on Instagram has asked me to

15:53

speak about this. I just said I've nothing

15:55

profound to add to the discussion of this.

15:57

I feel like everything has been said. so

16:00

hideous, it's so disgusting that people in power are

16:02

still making decisions about our bodies. It makes

16:04

you wonder if they ever even really belong to

16:06

us. There's also lots of theories about why it's happening

16:08

that

16:10

are just horrendous to hear. You've

16:12

said how, you've asked me how do I handle all this pain, fear and

16:14

rage. I cannot tell you how

16:16

to handle it. I'll tell you how I would handle it. I'm

16:19

assuming that this is deeply

16:21

affecting you. Maybe you live in America.

16:25

Sometimes you want to

16:27

do activist work. That always helped

16:29

for me to be loud, to feel

16:31

seen and heard where I wasn't feeling

16:33

seen and heard when things were impacting my life and my rights.

16:36

In situations of injustice I like to gather around

16:38

with people to talk about how fucking shit it is.

16:41

That makes me feel better. Maybe

16:43

you want to unplug from the news. Maybe you

16:46

don't need to listen to it by the way and you don't

16:48

need to constantly know about every single

16:50

awful thing that's going on with the Roe v. Wade

16:53

law being overturned to

16:55

be a good person. If this is

16:57

something that's impacting you, whatever, it's

17:00

entirely okay to

17:02

unplug. You do not need to carry around the

17:04

baggage of

17:06

all of this awful update. However,

17:08

some people feel more in control and safe when

17:11

they know what's going on.

17:12

So there's no right way to handle this but

17:14

I hope that any of those three options can

17:17

help you. But my number one point of advice is

17:19

to just talk to people about it. Sending you

17:21

so much fucking love. Okay,

17:24

on to the next question. What's the best and worst

17:26

party you've ever been to?

17:28

Well the worst party has probably got to be some

17:31

crappy house party I went to when I was like 14 when

17:33

I stuffed my boobs with chicken fillets

17:36

and listened to like Dizzy Rascal and

17:38

sipped my

17:40

massive bottle of cider in

17:42

the corner and waited for boys to talk to me. Like

17:44

that's just got to be like the peak

17:47

misery of like wanting

17:50

men to like you. It's

17:52

just like taping your tits up with

17:55

all your friends waiting for men to choose

17:57

you and hating other girls

17:59

because of it. There's just got to be like the silliest

18:01

but also most iconic if you think about it the

18:04

image of all oh It's a very British

18:06

experience, but doing all of that shit It's

18:08

good funny and silly memories But definitely

18:11

peak like misery for my femininity

18:13

for my happiness and the way I felt about my body

18:16

the best party I've ever been to hmm

18:20

Probably New Year's Eve at the

18:23

pub just gone There's

18:25

definitely loads of more amazing nights out that I've had But

18:27

there was such a sense of euphoria in the pub everyone

18:30

was snogging Everyone was kissing

18:32

it just platonically romantically whatever

18:35

I had friends swinging off the chandeliers

18:37

dancing on the on the bar I

18:40

wore a top that was dancing on the table and then

18:42

my friend he fell off the table and clutched

18:45

onto my top to support him and then

18:47

my tits came out because the top broke

18:49

and Then a friend shouted

18:50

at me across from the other side of the pub

18:53

floss your tits are out

18:54

And then everyone saw and then

18:56

I just took the top off and closed my blazer and

18:59

then carried on dancing on the pub table

19:01

And it was amazing

19:02

Okay on to the next question Who

19:05

was someone you've met that wasn't how

19:08

you expected them to be? hmm

19:16

I think anytime I meet friends offline

19:19

That I've made online. I'm always pleasantly

19:21

surprised by how much softer people

19:23

are in person That's been my

19:25

experience making friends with women and dates

19:28

and stuff I've

19:31

dated someone who surprised me

19:33

offline. There were a lot softer in

19:36

person And more wonderful.

19:39

I think you get to see people's

19:41

humanness offline So I'm always pleasantly

19:43

surprised when I meet people offline not always

19:46

but like the people I choose to surround myself

19:48

with right, I

19:49

know it's a really annoying answer, but Yeah

19:54

Okay, on to the next question. Have you ever been

19:56

totally starstruck by someone you've met and

19:58

what did you say? Hmm...

20:01

No, I can't

20:05

think. And I don't mean

20:07

that in no one's start, no one

20:10

ever makes me feel nervous. Women

20:12

make me feel nervous all the fucking time. Actually,

20:15

you know what, I'm going to say when I first met Monroe,

20:17

who I've interviewed on the show also,

20:20

when we first met before we were friends, I

20:23

actually went to go see her talk. And

20:25

I was so starstruck by her, because

20:28

I think she's fucking incredible, what she's done

20:30

for the queer community, and forwarding

20:33

the conversation with trans rights in the UK is just ridiculous.

20:36

Also, I interviewed Laila Saad. Laila Saad was

20:38

like my Beyonce, and was obsessed

20:40

with her. So probably those people, I've never

20:42

met Laila in person. I can't think off

20:44

the top of my head now, if any of my friends are listening to this, they're probably

20:46

like, oh my God, babes, there are so many times.

20:50

Maybe I've just mentally blocked them out. Okay,

20:52

on to the next question. Dream people

20:55

to collaborate with. Honestly,

20:57

and this is such an annoying answer, I feel like I've collaborated with

20:59

a lot of my heroes. Oh, dream person,

21:01

obviously Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga.

21:04

Dream person to collaborate with. Just on

21:06

anything, really.

21:08

I would love to do anything with that woman. Hey

21:10

Floss, I'm bisexual, I think, and I'm

21:12

attracted to men, but whenever I get to know them,

21:14

something is holding me back, because in the back of my mind,

21:16

I'm like, ew, it's a man. I'm

21:18

not sure if this is because I'm comphet, or I'm

21:21

choosing the wrong guys. So for

21:23

anyone listening, comphet is compulsory

21:25

heterosexuality, which is essentially what

21:27

lesbians experience where they

21:29

don't actually like men, but heterosexuality

21:32

has been so compulsory, even in sex education,

21:34

we're not taught about queer sex, right? To the point

21:37

where it's almost indoctrinated into you, and

21:39

it's compulsory, but not

21:41

something that comes innate, or something that comes naturally

21:44

to you. If

21:47

you're thinking, ew, it's a man, this

21:49

could be a trauma thing, this

21:51

could be that you're a lesbian, this could

21:53

be that you don't want to be into men right now. Honestly,

21:56

sometimes, depending on what's going on in politics,

21:58

a lot of women just... want to avoid

22:01

men entirely because they're so enraged. Whatever

22:04

reason that you don't want to be with men is totally

22:06

valid. I saw something online recently

22:08

that was like, men are the only thing

22:10

we force ourselves to have to like. Like

22:13

you don't have to force yourself to

22:16

be like, is it because of this? Is it because of that? If

22:18

you don't want to be with men at the moment, you don't want

22:20

to be with men and there doesn't have to be a reason

22:22

behind it. Don't force yourself

22:24

to be like, but I should because I'm bi, right?

22:27

If you don't like men,

22:28

you don't like men right now and that's okay.

22:31

I previously answered a question here where I said, you

22:33

know, kind of learn to grow

22:35

into acceptance with realising that maybe

22:37

you'll never know your sexuality and I find a

22:39

lot of peace with that.

22:42

As always, thank you for listening and getting in

22:45

touch. It really means so much to me. Same

22:47

time next week for more Ask Floss. Can't

22:49

wait to tell next week. Bye!

22:56

Can I get a whoop whoop? I'm Lacey Green and I'm

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