0:28

I think actually the most important

0:30

thing , particularly in moving to another

0:32

culture , another country , is

0:34

to be aware of the attitude you bring to

0:36

the move . If

0:39

you're expecting to experience

0:42

the world in the same

0:44

way you did at home , you're going to be disappointed

0:46

.

0:52

Welcome to Xpats Like Us , a co-production

0:55

with me , vita Margarita , exploring

0:57

the world of US expat life in

0:59

Mexico . In each episode , we'll

1:02

meet new people and hear their stories . We'll

1:04

also learn more about expat life

1:06

and get a few tips on everything from

1:08

making your move to settling in , to

1:10

living your dreams and , most of all

1:12

, having fun . Let's dive in

1:15

. Welcome

1:25

to Xpats Like Us . I'm your host , bob

1:28

Bussey . My wife Sherry and I sold most

1:30

of our possessions and moved , along with our dog

1:32

, to Mexico in the summer of 2021

1:34

. Today I'm thrilled to be talking

1:37

with Ed Risling . Mr Risling

1:39

is a registered clinical psychotherapist

1:41

, a psychiatric nurse and holds

1:43

a degree in social work . He lives

1:45

in practices in Saskatoon , canada

1:47

, where he lives part of the year and , along with

1:49

his wife , glenda , spends his winter months

1:52

in Mexico . Mr Risling is

1:54

co-author of Fully Half Committed

1:56

Conversation Starters for Romantic

1:58

Relationships . Mr Risling

2:00

is here to share his insights on relationships

2:02

, especially in times of change

2:05

, for example , adapting to retirement

2:07

and to a new life in a new country . He

2:09

will share some insight and perhaps some

2:12

advice about things to consider beyond simply

2:14

quitting your full-time job and packing

2:16

up and moving . Hello , ed Risling , and

2:18

welcome to Xpats Like Us .

2:21

Thank you very much .

2:22

So what inspired you to get into social

2:24

work as a profession ?

2:27

Well , I actually considered myself to be an accidental

2:30

therapist . I

2:32

had gotten a job working

2:34

in a psychiatric institution and

2:37

discovered I liked it . I had no intention

2:39

of staying there at the time , but I

2:42

met my ex-wife who was a

2:45

psychiatric nurse and

2:47

decided I'd rather have sex than

2:49

consider

2:51

another career . And I found I discovered I really liked

2:54

it .

2:56

So tell us about your practice .

2:58

Well , I started private

3:01

work in 1985

3:03

. Prior to that

3:05

I'd worked in youth psychiatry , a

3:09

maximum security prison system acute

3:12

care psychiatry around

3:16

the country . Decided

3:20

I didn't like working for other folks so I just opened

3:22

my own practice and I've been going since then .

3:25

And you enjoy your practice . You plan on continuing

3:28

your practice , for you're

3:30

not retired . Right Is what I'm getting at

3:32

.

3:32

No , I've cut back

3:34

on my hours . I've had

3:37

conversation with my wife and I've told her I

3:39

would consider the possibility that I might

3:41

maybe retire when I'm

3:43

75 .

3:44

Okay , maybe Right , okay

3:47

. And you and your wife come down

3:49

to Mexico every winter . That's how I know

3:52

you and have met you in Acomal

3:54

, where we live . So what attracts

3:56

you to come down here ?

4:00

First of all , the weather I mean living

4:02

in Northern Canada is

4:04

a bit of an

4:06

issue come snow time . I'm

4:11

also a diver , so living

4:14

here on the Caribbean allows

4:16

me to do diving and

4:21

I fell in love with the community .

4:45

How have you adapted your practice to

4:47

living in a foreign country ?

4:51

I still continue to see clients at home

4:53

. Thanks

4:55

to Zoom and virtual connections

4:58

, I do quite a bit of work . I work two days

5:00

a week here in Mexico on

5:02

the computer working with clients . The

5:05

other thing that's happened since

5:08

I've published is that I

5:10

end up seeing people from all over the world

5:12

Other parts of Canada , costa

5:15

Rica , united States and

5:18

Australia .

5:19

So you've been able to expand your practice by

5:21

the use of technology and go

5:23

diving when you want to go , and

5:26

that's exactly right . So one

5:28

of the things that we talk about on this podcast

5:30

is adapting to

5:32

making a move . I think

5:34

that , like in my case , when

5:37

I decided , you know , we'd vacationed here for

5:39

a long time and decided we wanted

5:41

to move but I don't know that we

5:43

thought it through that much , you

5:46

know , beyond

5:48

, just moving and getting here was kind of our goal

5:50

.

5:52

I think actually the most important

5:55

thing , particularly in moving to another

5:57

culture , another country , is

5:59

to be aware of the attitude you bring to

6:01

the move . If

6:04

you're expecting to experience

6:06

the world in the same

6:09

way you did at home , you're going to be disappointed

6:11

. And if

6:14

you bring in an attitude of curiosity and

6:16

a willingness to adapt to

6:18

where you live , the different

6:20

norms , the different expectations

6:24

, it makes it much easier

6:26

. And so I think , primarily

6:28

, attitude is what's

6:31

going to generate success .

6:34

How can a couple judge if they're ready to make

6:36

a move of such ?

6:37

magnitude ? That's a difficult question

6:39

to answer , partly because

6:41

many people won't know until they actually

6:44

are . It's

6:46

like trial by fire , and

6:53

if you are adaptable in other circumstances

6:56

, you're likely to be adaptable in moving to another

6:58

country .

7:01

That makes a lot of sense , yeah .

7:03

If you're rigid at home , you're likely going to be rigid here .

7:06

And I know you know , I've met people here

7:08

that they come down here and they stay for

7:11

a little while . And you know , with

7:13

every intention of staying here and living

7:15

, you know , in a new country , and they

7:17

just it's for some reason

7:19

they don't adapt , they're maybe not ready to adapt

7:22

to , Because there's a lot of things

7:24

to adapt to when you move to a new country

7:26

.

7:26

Absolutely . I mean and language is only

7:29

part of it People

7:32

in Mexico think differently

7:35

than people in Canada or the United States

7:37

do , and they process

7:39

differently . I've

7:43

had to learn , for example , to

7:45

develop a little more patience than what I'm

7:47

used to .

7:49

Right . I think a lot of us can

7:52

agree with that .

7:53

Right , and my children are telling me that

7:55

it's God's intention in this lifetime for me

7:57

to become a little more patient . So that's

7:59

been somewhat difficult at times .

8:02

Okay . So yeah , that's , but that's a good

8:04

thing . You know , I feel like I'm much more

8:06

patient than I at once was , because

8:09

you have to be .

8:10

Yes .

8:11

You have no other option , yes

8:13

, other than move back to

8:16

where you came from .

8:17

Exactly true , and

8:19

I think you need to be somewhat comfortable with

8:21

taking risks , because

8:24

with their , when there's new

8:26

demands on you , you're going to

8:28

feel a little uneasy at

8:31

times and you have to be able to handle

8:33

that .

8:34

What are some of the things that couples should maybe

8:36

consider if they're thinking about making that move

8:38

but really haven't thought about all of this and the

8:40

cultural shift and the change

8:42

they're going to go through ? What are some things that they should

8:45

be thinking about that

8:47

maybe they're not ?

8:49

Well , you mentioned at the beginning of

8:51

this interview that you

8:54

had been down on vacation a number of times

8:56

, and so if somebody

8:58

were to consider moving to another country

9:01

, or I would certainly recommend

9:03

spending some time on vacation

9:05

extended period six

9:08

weeks , two months to

9:10

sort of immerse themselves in where they're

9:12

considering they might stay and

9:15

have some serious discussions about

9:17

what they like and don't like

9:19

.

9:20

Right , and you know , one of the things that

9:23

other people have said on this podcast is don't

9:25

just , if you're doing that , don't just go

9:27

to an all inclusive resort , because

9:29

that gives you no indication of what

9:31

life is going to be like .

9:34

Exactly . I

9:38

think part

9:40

of our experience has been using Airbnb

9:43

, so

9:48

we would rent a house or a place

9:50

and stay there for a couple

9:52

of weeks or a month and

9:55

we would try different areas

9:57

. So we

10:00

spent time on the West Coast

10:02

and Puerto Vallarta and Mazatlan

10:04

. We spent time in

10:06

Brazil and Portugal and when

10:11

we bought here , we had already vacationed

10:15

a lot in different parts of the world and what we

10:17

knew is that we wanted to escape

10:19

Canada in the wintertime . So

10:21

that was where we started that was the primary

10:24

goal .

10:25

Right Right , and

10:27

that's a good point . Like with Airbnb that

10:30

forces you to go grocery shopping

10:32

to find

10:35

transportation Right , all

10:38

of the , it's a small little

10:40

getting your feet wet in

10:43

your new country , potential new country .

10:45

Yeah , and some of the places

10:47

we discovered we needed to

10:49

adapt were a surprise to us . My

10:53

wife loves to cook and all of a sudden

10:55

she can't get the spices that she's

10:57

used to . The

11:00

vegetables are a little different , the

11:02

fruit's much different .

11:05

That's a common thing . People talk about that a lot

11:07

. So if people

11:09

don't adapt , what psychologically

11:11

are some of the consequences that

11:13

they might suffer

11:15

or experience ?

11:21

The most common one would be a sense of frustration

11:24

, then

11:28

also anxiety , because

11:31

where they have

11:33

their feet firmly planted on the ground , all

11:35

of a sudden it feels a little shaky and

11:38

they may have to deal with anxiety

11:40

. One of the skills

11:43

I think that's really essential , both for making

11:45

your relationship work and

11:47

for making

11:50

your life work in a new area , is the ability

11:53

to self soothe .

11:54

Okay , explain what that is .

11:56

Well , once I experience

11:59

some activation in my nervous system , my body

12:01

becomes aroused

12:03

. I

12:07

need to be willing to take responsibility

12:10

to calm myself down rather

12:12

than make a demand on the environment . So

12:16

sometimes that environment

12:18

is my wife , and I want her to behave differently

12:20

. Sometimes

12:22

the environment is somebody

12:25

at a grocery store that I'm trying to communicate with

12:27

who doesn't speak English , and

12:31

so I need to have developed that ability

12:33

to calm down my own nervous system .

12:37

Okay , that makes sense . So how

12:40

do you begin to do that ?

12:43

Well , there's a number of little tricks

12:45

that you can

12:47

use . The first and most important one is that I'll take responsibility

12:50

rather than

12:52

make the demand on other artists . Okay

12:54

, this is my issue . One

12:57

of the things that I might do is write my name with my

12:59

bomb . So

13:02

what happens when I become cancer

13:04

activated ? I become a tight ass

13:06

and I squeeze through

13:08

the pelvis , which puts pressure up against

13:10

the gut , the diaphragm , and

13:12

holds breathing to the top part

13:14

of the chest . So you get kind of

13:17

an anxiety breathing going on , like if

13:21

I relax my pelvis so

13:24

, which I do by writing my name with my bomb

13:26

, micro movements , you don't have to get really

13:28

gross about it .

13:30

It doesn't have to be a whole production , a whole dance

13:33

in the grocery store .

13:34

Right , but the idea is to relax the pelvic

13:37

floor so that you begin

13:39

to breathe deeper without resistance

13:41

from your body . So

13:44

that's one trick

13:46

. The other , of course , is what

13:49

kind of exercise I do . If

13:52

I keep myself active , it's

13:55

easier to

13:57

relax . I can go for a

13:59

walk . If

14:04

I'm frustrated in the store

14:06

, I need to give

14:08

myself permission to walk away . Just

14:11

walk away with the intention to

14:13

calm down .

14:15

Right , right , remove

14:17

yourself from the situation if you can

14:19

, as much as possible

14:22

. Right , yeah , okay

14:24

, that's a really

14:26

good piece of advice that you just give there . I

14:28

wish more people would do that , because I see

14:30

people get frustrated all

14:33

the time and with exactly

14:35

those sort of things .

14:36

Yeah , if you may know

14:39

that , lisa Divine Put� the book salon director I was at saw you . I

14:41

take that responsibility to calm myself down

14:43

. The other thing is that I become easier for other

14:46

people to be around and

14:49

they're becoming

14:51

less reactive to me .

14:55

Right , so it creates its own environment .

14:58

Exactly right .

14:59

Yeah .

15:00

I've heard forever I mean it's fairly

15:03

common adages

15:06

you get back what you give out . So

15:09

if I can bring my own system down into

15:12

a relaxed state , people are likely to follow my

15:14

experience rather

15:16

than me

15:18

following theirs .

15:20

Right , absolutely . Oh , that's

15:22

a great piece of advice for when

15:24

you start feeling frustrated . So

15:28

you've written a book fully , half

15:30

committed , right .

15:33

I said earlier that I consider myself

15:35

an accidental therapist

15:37

. I'm also a bit of a reluctant author

15:39

, I don't like writing

15:41

, but I've

15:44

been doing couples counseling now

15:46

for 50

15:48

years and

15:50

one of the

15:52

things that I've noticed is that many

15:57

relationships , if not most

15:59

, are accidental , so

16:01

that people fall

16:04

in love , they end up married . Life

16:07

happens and we end up reacting

16:10

to that . We react to the circumstance

16:12

, we react to each

16:15

other and then we react to the reactions and

16:17

all of a sudden we're going how the hell

16:19

did we get here ? This isn't where I wanted

16:21

to be . What you

16:23

can do is

16:25

actually decide intentionally

16:28

to be married , and

16:31

I define marriage as an emotionally committed relationship

16:33

, so

16:36

that I can have a discussion with

16:38

my wife about okay , what is it that I want to create

16:40

here ? And then

16:42

I can evaluate myself

16:45

on have

16:47

I behaved this last week in a way that's consistent

16:50

with what I want to create

16:52

? And then you break it

16:54

down to what

16:56

do I want to create spiritually in my

16:58

marriage ? What do I want to create financially

17:00

, sexually parenting

17:03

, how do I want

17:05

to retire ? And have those discussions Then

17:08

we can also make decisions

17:10

about okay , when we run into difficulty

17:13

with each other , how do we do repair ? That's

17:15

set up a mechanism for fixing it , one

17:19

of the things I might do if I have

17:22

a fight with my wife . I

17:24

put a jelly bean on her pillow . Now

17:26

I may still be angry with her , but

17:29

the jelly bean is a communication

17:31

that I'm in and

17:34

she'll look for that jelly bean if we have a fight

17:36

. If I'm really mad , I'll put a black one there .

17:41

It's all in the symbolism .

17:44

Or I want playfulness in my marriage

17:46

, so I make sure I do

17:48

something every day that's playful . It

17:52

might be grabbing her dancing , it might

17:54

be how we have sex , it might

17:56

be how I tease her , but

18:01

I make sure I do something with her every day that's

18:03

playful .

18:05

So I've read your book and it's 45

18:08

chapters . They're

18:10

short , but

18:13

tell me what the intention is behind

18:15

having those short chapters with the

18:17

discussion questions .

18:19

Thank you . We

18:22

deliberately made it really short chapters

18:24

. I consider it to be a shitter book

18:26

, which means that I

18:30

wanted it to be in the bathroom . People sit

18:32

down , do their business , they can read a chapter and

18:35

they can open the book anywhere . Each

18:39

chapter stand alone , and

18:41

then at the end of each chapter there's a couple of questions

18:44

. To sit down with your partner and say what

18:46

do you think about this ? One

18:50

of the chapters , for example , is that nothing is

18:52

personal . We always take things personally

18:54

that aren't about us . The

18:58

only thing that's personal is how we behave , and

19:02

at the end of the chapter there's okay , how do you

19:04

take things personally ? How

19:06

do you see me take things personally ? And

19:09

you can get into a discussion

19:11

about whatever

19:13

the chapter is about and not

19:15

only have conversations , make connection , but perhaps

19:18

make some changes .

19:20

So , yeah , what do you hope that people take away from your book

19:22

? If they'd sit down and they go

19:25

45 days in the bathroom and they do

19:27

this and they follow through , how

19:30

do you hope that changes their life ?

19:32

Well , what I'd like

19:34

to see people do is to bring into awareness

19:36

some

19:38

of the ways that we behave sort of automatically

19:41

, and

19:44

to consider how

19:47

we're actually doing the relationship with each

19:49

other and then decide

19:51

okay , on purpose

19:53

this is what I want to do and even

19:56

to read the chapter and discover why we're

19:58

already doing that you know

20:00

, we got this one nailed and

20:02

to celebrate that , in terms

20:04

of how we make connection , lots of people

20:07

do repair really well already

20:11

. That's how they get to stay married

20:13

.

20:15

See , for me reading that , my wife

20:17

read it too . We've

20:19

been married so long you start to get just

20:22

on automatic pilot and you don't think

20:24

about these things Exactly . You know

20:26

, and it's a good reminder , that there

20:28

are all these different aspects

20:31

to being in a committed

20:33

relationship .

20:34

Right . You know , and

20:36

we picked the title fully half committed

20:38

. The colleague that I

20:40

wrote it with and I were having

20:42

a discussion and we'd been noticing over

20:44

the years that people seem

20:46

less committed now . Then

20:49

they used to be . So in terms of our practice

20:52

, people were splitting up for

20:54

not so serious

20:56

reasons as they used to . I

21:00

worked with one couple , for example , who

21:02

they decided to split because she wanted

21:04

to dance and he didn't like dancing , and

21:07

for them that was real .

21:10

You would think you'd be able to overcome that , or

21:13

, you know , to some of us that sounds like a really

21:15

shallow , yeah

21:17

, a reason , you know , but yeah .

21:20

Yeah , so and our

21:23

experiences that with people

21:26

younger than us like I say , I've been doing this for

21:28

50 years they're

21:32

less committed than what we used

21:34

to be . I

21:36

don't think they go in with the intention

21:39

of a lifetime together all

21:41

the time anymore .

21:42

Right . What do you think caused that in society ? Our

21:45

grandparents would be married

21:47

, no matter what Right

21:49

I mean . Divorce or splitting

21:52

up was , in my mind

21:54

, a very rare thing 50

21:56

years ago , 60 years ago .

21:58

Right . Well , my parents

22:00

have been married for 73 years now . I

22:06

think part of it's the demands socially

22:09

, and I think lots of people back then stayed married

22:12

because they didn't have

22:14

the choice to

22:17

leave . They were financially really

22:20

dependent on each other in a way that people

22:22

aren't right now . One

22:25

of our chapters is about rewriting

22:28

the marital vows . Our contention

22:30

is that the traditional

22:33

ones fall short . Even

22:37

in rewriting the commitment we're

22:39

making to one another I think people can do this

22:41

even after they've been together for a long time

22:43

is

22:46

re-come

22:49

back to the okay . What are we committed to here

22:51

? Once

22:54

we have that in mind that

22:56

framework again , we

22:58

can evaluate ourselves . So I'm behaving consistently

23:01

with what I've committed to . With you

23:03

, that

23:05

might be I committed to learn dancing . Whatever

23:08

it is that's really important .

23:11

Okay , the book is called Fully Half

23:13

Committed and we're talking

23:16

with Ed Ristling . He's the co-author

23:18

of this book . So

23:21

where can people find your book ?

23:24

It's on audio , it's

23:26

on amazoncom andca

23:28

, it's

23:31

on Kobo Books and

23:35

you can go to your book local

23:39

bookstore and have it brought in if that's

23:41

what you would like .

24:03

One last question If you had a list of

24:05

top things that couples should do or

24:07

consider in terms of their relationship when

24:09

making a big move like becoming

24:12

an expat in Mexico , what

24:15

would those tips be ?

24:17

To really be clear with each other about what

24:19

your expectations are . You

24:24

have some discussions about how

24:27

it's going to impact

24:30

relationship , where it might put strength

24:35

, where you can see yourself getting

24:37

into conflict , and

24:42

again to commit to the

24:45

attitude that you're going to take with each other in

24:49

making the move and

24:51

how you're going to support each other in a positive attitude

24:53

.

24:55

Okay , thank you , ed , for being with us

24:57

today on Xpats Like Us .

24:59

My pleasure . Thank you very much

25:02

.

25:03

Bob , in each episode

25:06

of Xpats Like Us , we're going to teach you

25:08

a new Mexican slang word . This

25:10

is something you may not find in your phrase book

25:12

or your online Spanish class

25:14

or your Spanish app or wherever you're

25:16

learning your Spanish . Instead , this is a

25:18

term used primarily by Mexican

25:21

Spanish speakers . Today's

25:24

word is A

25:27

was . A was , a

25:30

was .

25:31

A was . It literally translates to water

25:34

, but it also is

25:36

watch out , look out , a

25:38

was .

25:39

I've been in a car . Watch out , there's a car

25:41

coming . Okay , thank

25:43

you , erika Kowalski . From Me , vita

25:46

Margarita . That's your Mexican

25:48

slang word of the week . We'd

25:55

love to hear your thoughts and comments on today's

25:57

topic . Just look up Xpats . Like

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26:01

email at xpatslikeus at gmailcom

26:03

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26:06

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26:08

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and Instagram pages . Follow

26:13

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26:15

us a review . Thank

26:19

you to our guest , ed Risling . Thanks

26:22

also to our co-producers . From Me , vita Margarita

26:24

. Most of all , thank you for

26:26

tuning in to Xpats . Like Us and

26:29

thank you for interacting with us on social

26:31

media . Next time , we'll bring

26:33

you more first hand information about

26:35

your international move . Until

26:37

then , remember , our homes are not

26:39

defined by geography or one

26:41

particular location , but by memories

26:44

, events , people and places that

26:46

span the globe .