0:00

Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio.

0:03

This episode contains descriptions of sexual

0:06

assault listener discretion as advised,

0:11

run.

0:11

Away, you already

0:14

to right to the end of the

0:16

line. No

0:19

one need staying, No Onelllow

0:22

believe in the path only

0:25

line.

0:27

Sunni album.

0:30

That's Jessica Willis Fisher singing

0:33

from her beautiful song River Runaway.

0:36

If you haven't listened to part one of Jessica's story,

0:39

do that now and then come

0:41

back for more of this powerful,

0:44

harrowing, and ultimately deeply

0:46

inspiring story.

1:07

I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is

1:09

family Secrets. The secrets that are

1:11

kept from us, the secrets we keep from others,

1:14

and the secrets we keep from ourselves.

1:24

Secrets will eventually spill out.

1:28

Sometimes it takes generations, Sometimes

1:31

it takes decades. Sometimes

1:33

it takes minutes. Jessica's

1:36

book is called Unspeakable for

1:38

a reason. When it

1:40

comes to the horrible truths for father's

1:42

abuse, she simply cannot

1:44

speak it. It's impossible.

1:48

Her siblings aren't speaking it, and

1:50

certainly her father isn't either.

1:53

And it's only those few times her mother

1:55

alludes to it before it's tucked

1:58

away again and

2:00

As the family extends, so

2:03

does the scope of this secret. One

2:06

of Jessica's brothers is about to get married

2:08

to a woman named Maria. He

2:10

says to Jessica one day Maria

2:13

knows. A

2:15

little bit later, Jessica falls

2:17

in love too. She and Sean

2:19

become involved when they're teenagers, building

2:22

a romantic connection. She

2:24

doesn't divulge right away to Sean what's

2:26

happened to her, but she does begin

2:28

to wonder, how can I completely

2:31

connect with this person if he doesn't

2:33

know the truth.

2:35

So this dreadful inevitability

2:39

of kind of being on this collision course.

2:41

How long are secrets like this going

2:43

to be containable?

2:46

And the biggest threat to that is,

2:48

yes, as we get older, there's

2:51

the personal connections that we try

2:53

to make as individuals, and then

2:55

you know, as we're performing and stuff, there's just

2:58

this bigger and bigger microscope, bigger and

3:00

bigger platform where there's this

3:02

more and more awareness and how

3:05

are we going to kind of be able to balance

3:07

that? And my brother became

3:09

engaged and it was actually during

3:11

my late teenage years that I was trying

3:13

to figure out how to have a relationship.

3:16

But it was this disillusionment

3:18

over time, realizing, oh, my dad really

3:21

is never going to let me go.

3:24

And I think I realized how

3:26

deep that was in me by realizing I never

3:29

imagine getting married. Some part of

3:31

me knew like, that's probably never going to happen

3:33

for me, but of course I desperately wanted that.

3:37

When Jessica's in her early twenties, she

3:39

and Sean have not had sex, but their

3:42

relationship is certainly sexual. She

3:44

sends him some partially clad selfies

3:47

and they're on her computer, and one

3:49

day one of her little sisters discovers these

3:51

selfies through the lens of

3:53

all she's been taught at home and at church.

3:56

She's confused and traumatized by these photos,

3:58

unsure of why Jessa and Sean have

4:01

been communicating this way.

4:05

I was secretly

4:07

talking with him, and I don't think any

4:09

healthy relationship is built on secrets.

4:13

You know, how is it supposed to be healthy?

4:16

And you are sexually developing, you

4:18

are all of these things, but there's my

4:20

religious teachings and this

4:22

very drastic logistical

4:25

thing around me, and so you

4:27

know, we were digitally communicating. We're both

4:29

young adults, were both in our early twenties

4:31

and when my sister saw that, I

4:34

just knew how much more

4:37

so, like this train is about to slow

4:39

motion crash, you know, and there's

4:41

no way for me to really wiggle out of this.

4:44

And I was like, here, I am

4:46

traumatizing like a child because this is

4:48

so confusing. And I was just

4:50

like, please let me tell mom

4:53

and dad, and I promised her kind.

4:56

Of that it was going to be okay.

4:57

And I had this awareness, like this

5:00

deep guilt of feeling

5:02

like I'm an adult telling a child that's all

5:04

going to be okay. And I also know

5:06

that this is not going to be okay, and

5:10

I think I genuinely meant to go tell my parents

5:12

and I didn't.

5:13

I played it out.

5:14

It lasted a couple more weeks

5:16

before basically

5:18

it came out and they found out. I

5:21

did not just go, you know what, this is wrong

5:23

and like stand up and rebel.

5:26

I basically folded and

5:30

accepted that. You know,

5:32

of course, a part of me, there

5:34

were so many different parts of me feeling different things,

5:36

but as far as my behaviors, I

5:39

was like, yes, I am sinful,

5:41

I am wrong. And it got

5:43

turned into kind of even though

5:45

we don't talk about Dad's problems here

5:47

you are, you clearly have problems, and he's

5:50

the one in charge. You're the child,

5:52

you need to be disciplined. And

5:56

it started this weird chapter where

5:58

I was the problem in the family and

6:01

it created this mob like mentality

6:03

where you know, I had to be managed,

6:06

the kids had to be protected from me, My

6:09

actions had to be monitored, and it was really my

6:11

soul at stake here.

6:14

Dad was like, you know, she's she's

6:16

being led astray by the devil,

6:19

and parts of me

6:21

resisted, but it felt too much. I was

6:23

going against the whole entire system, all

6:25

of my siblings, both my parents,

6:28

and I had to keep up this

6:30

outer shtick and roll

6:33

and smile on stage, and inside

6:35

it was I

6:38

was losing my sanity bit by bit.

6:41

Yeah, it's so painful, this

6:43

like level of control and

6:46

surveillance.

6:47

It's cultish because it's

6:50

the mind control. It's the

6:53

bounded choice theory, where it's like

6:55

I share with people that there is this time where

6:57

and I have a video of it. And sometimes I'm so

7:00

thankful for that video, because otherwise I

7:02

would doubt that this happened. But there's proof,

7:04

and sometimes I need that proof to even

7:07

be able to believe my memories of these

7:09

moments, but it's this kind of kangaroo

7:11

court scene where you

7:14

know, Dad is telling me I have to

7:16

claim my master, and

7:18

he's saying, I already know you're following singe,

7:21

but you have to confess it, you

7:23

know, And so think inquisition, think

7:26

whatever worst version

7:28

of that cult leader

7:30

and control mob sort of thing.

7:33

And it was in that moment that I realized

7:35

that this was an escalation of dynamics

7:37

that had been here forever.

7:39

There were moments.

7:39

Where I would pile

7:42

on a sibling who was stepping out of line, but

7:44

now how could I protest that without

7:46

being so hypocritical and

7:49

taking it spiritually? I would

7:52

sometimes open the Bible, which was so troubling

7:54

to me, and I've had such conflicting

7:56

thoughts, but their scripture that says if

7:59

you do not forgive others,

8:02

God will not forgive you. And so it

8:05

felt like I was trying to find the courage

8:08

and the foothold to finally

8:10

like say, Dad, you're wrong.

8:13

The main problem here is what you've been doing

8:15

all this time. But unfortunately

8:18

I had taken steps that, according to

8:20

what I believed, was also

8:22

wrong. So it was this, who

8:25

are you to talk sort of thing, and it

8:27

was just really a crazy making situation.

8:30

For sure.

8:34

We'll be right back. One

8:52

night on tour, a set of blue

8:54

flashing lights head toward the Fisher

8:56

Family tour bus, which is pulled over

8:58

on the side of the road. Jessica's

9:01

father has been violently striking her in the

9:03

face, but now a cop

9:05

is here. If a cop sees what's

9:07

really going on, maybe Jessica

9:09

and her siblings will be rescued, will be safe.

9:13

But that's not what happens.

9:16

He pulled the bus over, he continued

9:19

to attack me, and a

9:21

cop had pulled over. It

9:23

was just the wildest

9:25

feeling, so surreal, so weird.

9:28

I was just.

9:29

So terrified for my life. I was basically

9:31

an animal mode.

9:32

You know.

9:32

I didn't know if this was a moment where his

9:35

violence would lead to someone dying,

9:37

if that would be me, if that would

9:39

have made me happy. You know, I really kind of

9:42

think that moment. One of the things I remember

9:44

thinking is I just wish I wasn't here,

9:47

because if you follow that I'm the problem,

9:49

believe all the way to its end, it's you know, everybody

9:52

would be better off if I wasn't here. You

9:54

know, the cop comes to the door essentially, and I

9:57

don't even need to be forced into

9:59

the closet or or out from you. I

10:01

just kind of like a zombie go hide

10:03

myself because one

10:05

of my coping mechanisms was always on

10:08

a dime, being able to smile, being able to

10:10

pull it off.

10:11

But you can't.

10:13

You can't do that when you're bleeding. You can't do

10:15

that when your face is hanging weird.

10:18

My body was going to betray me, and

10:21

it just felt so out of control.

10:23

And as you.

10:24

Hear this person says, there's everybody okay,

10:27

you know, it's like, well, everybody was just screaming.

10:29

Maybe they're not going to be able to pull it off.

10:31

But no, there's this oh yeah, everything's

10:33

fine, and just it was the depths

10:36

of depression and despair

10:38

because I was realizing I was

10:40

still waiting.

10:41

For permission.

10:43

To ask for help, for permission to

10:46

be believed, to be

10:48

rescued, all of these things, and

10:50

it was not going to come.

10:53

And the heaviest thing was it

10:55

is escalating so fast and my

10:58

actual bodily safety is fleeing.

11:01

I may die here, and I

11:04

don't know if I have what

11:06

it takes to get out. I'm

11:08

the only one, like, nobody's coming. If

11:10

I don't figure out how to get out of here, I'm

11:14

going to die here. And I just at

11:16

that moment wasn't sure it was

11:19

even worth it, Like what am

11:21

I escaping too?

11:22

This is my family.

11:24

I knew Sean at the time, and I part

11:26

of me wanted to be in that relationship, but I

11:29

hadn't fought for it, so maybe that wasn't even

11:31

waiting for me.

11:32

You know.

11:32

I had to believe that I

11:34

was worth, that I had value, that I

11:37

deserved to be safe, and that just felt

11:39

like so far away and so impossible.

11:42

It was a dark couple months there, and

11:45

chunks that are kind of missing. But I

11:48

gave in and didn't protest

11:50

and kind of took the sin on my

11:52

shoulders for that period and accepted

11:55

all those negative, you

11:58

know, judgments of me. When

12:00

I just kind of went, Okay, I surrender, I give up,

12:02

I realized, well, actually, no, I'm

12:05

no longer resisting that. But some part

12:07

of me cannot do the dance

12:09

and smile and be happy.

12:10

That part's broken.

12:11

But I can't really execute complete

12:15

nothingness either, Like there's still a part of

12:17

me that wants to survive and

12:20

that kind of made its way to the surface.

12:23

But there was just this normal day.

12:25

It could have been any other horrible

12:27

day during the dark period,

12:30

but there's an altercation with my dad,

12:32

and something in me went, that is the last

12:34

time that happens. And it wasn't the question,

12:37

it wasn't the theological statement. It just went, that

12:39

is not happening again. And

12:42

it almost felt like something outside

12:44

of me. I now kind of actually view it,

12:46

maybe from the core of me. I

12:48

think little invisible girl

12:50

that had borne all of.

12:52

This time's up. That's it. I'm

12:54

not putting up with any more of this.

12:57

I had sort of been learning about some narcissism

13:00

and talk about vocabulary. I was trying

13:03

to get the vocabulary to describe twenty

13:06

years of confusing

13:09

traumatic experience. So

13:11

there were these glimpses of clarity of Oh, I

13:13

actually know what's happening here. I can see some of these

13:15

dynamics, and I would do

13:17

more of that before too long, but I knew

13:19

he could keep me forever. I finally

13:22

had this moment of oh, the chances are in your mind, they're

13:24

not actually on the door.

13:26

Most of the time. You know, like you can run.

13:28

It is completely reasonable that you

13:31

can run. And so when I just.

13:32

Had that knowing of that's the last time that's going to happen.

13:35

I'm not going to be here by the end of the day. I'm

13:37

not sure exactly how. And so it was

13:40

well, what are you going to do? Where are you going to go? And

13:42

I was like, give me a phone. And if they

13:44

had said no, you know, maybe I would have ran

13:46

that night under cover of darkness

13:48

when I found a chance.

13:49

But they handed me a phone and I thought, Okay,

13:51

who can I call?

13:53

And I called my dad's cousin who

13:55

was around my age, and I

13:58

just said, can I come, Can

14:00

I come see you?

14:01

And she said sure, and I said can I bring a

14:03

bag? She said sure.

14:06

It's like trying to climb this wall, so you get a foothold

14:08

and it enables you to get to the next So that

14:11

told me I knew I was going

14:13

to get out today because if I didn't show up, other

14:16

people outside my family were going to wonder.

14:18

So then I had that foothold, and then it was like, well,

14:20

when are you going to go?

14:21

What are you going to take?

14:22

And my dad, he'd never really been in this position,

14:24

and he did all he could to make

14:27

sure he felt as in control all

14:29

the situation as possible, and he framed it to the family

14:31

that I had to leave my

14:33

choices. We're going to reflect badly

14:35

on the family. So he

14:37

was pushing me out. And

14:40

that's another kind of before and after a moment where

14:43

I think it could have gone so many different ways, but everything

14:46

changed really fast after that from

14:49

that moment.

14:51

It's interesting too, because there's

14:53

something in there about the

14:55

power of language

14:58

and the power of naming

15:00

things. Sean gives you this book

15:03

that really describes

15:06

what you know. Pathological narcissism

15:09

is what it looks like, and that's

15:12

the first time it's sort of like the word molested

15:14

earlier, something clicks

15:17

for you, where as like that day

15:19

might not have been all that different from any other

15:21

day, but the thing that was finally

15:23

the last straw that said no more has

15:26

something to do with the arsenal of language

15:28

that you had.

15:29

Now I believe that, and

15:31

it's astounding how little it can take sometimes

15:34

you know, just a few more words, because

15:37

how would you actually feel if you were angry all

15:39

the time but you didn't even have the word anger

15:41

or any of his adjacent words, Like there's

15:43

all this built up pressure and experience

15:46

and like a lot of times

15:48

very visceral feelings

15:50

and there's no way to express it. And

15:52

so certainly the emotional build

15:55

up and back up and just years of events.

15:57

And for me it was helpful is there were a lots

16:00

lots of events that I still needed to sort through, lots

16:02

of feelings I needed to sort through. But when

16:04

you see the dynamics and you see the

16:06

pattern, and you see the way things

16:09

are related to each other, concepts

16:11

like narcissism, dissociation,

16:15

high control groups, things like that, I started

16:17

seeing, Oh, my goodness, that's what I'm in

16:19

right now. And

16:21

yes, it's also in my family. Yes it's happened over

16:23

years and years, and there's religion in here, and there's

16:26

TV, and there's all these things.

16:28

But those surface things didn't

16:30

matter as much.

16:31

The specifics don't matter. When you look at the

16:33

patterns of grooming, or when you look at the patterns

16:35

of abuse and violence,

16:38

you notice that you can start to

16:41

see the pillars that hold

16:43

up how that all works, and if

16:45

you disrupt that pattern, you

16:47

just stop playing into that pattern.

16:50

And to some degree, it's quite fragile

16:52

and realizing that my dad.

16:54

Had all this power, but what power did

16:56

he really have? He kind of.

16:58

Got it from all of us, yes, and

17:02

trying to understand that, you know, when

17:05

you're preyed on by such toxic narcissism,

17:08

to remove the

17:11

fuel, to remove giving

17:14

my power over to prop up

17:16

him. I had gotten to a point where

17:19

the show couldn't really go on very well without

17:21

me, and it put a lot of stress on my siblings

17:23

that I would have loved to save them from. But

17:26

there was kind of this awareness that I at least

17:28

had at that moment, like looking at my dad, like,

17:31

yeah, you have the power, but all I.

17:33

Have to do is step away, and you like, you

17:35

can't do anything to me anymore.

17:38

What you've done to me is what I've let you do to

17:40

me.

17:44

Jessica and Sean finally get together

17:46

for real. Jessica finds a

17:48

really good trauma informed therapist,

17:51

and she begins to learn the language of trauma,

17:53

dissociation, compartmentalization,

17:56

hypervigilance, putting words

17:59

to experience she's been living inside

18:01

her body for decades. She

18:03

also hears a phrase for her therapist

18:06

when she finally shares the scope of

18:08

everything that has happened to her child

18:12

rape Jessica had

18:14

desperately wanted this to not be the case,

18:17

but it is the case. The definition

18:19

of child rape fits into the parameters

18:22

of what her father has done to her.

18:26

She is twenty four years old, she

18:28

has no academic degree of any kind,

18:31

since she's only ever been homeschooled,

18:34

But what she does have is strength, love,

18:37

the help she needs, and the knowledge

18:40

that she is finally safe.

18:44

This story is not the same without

18:47

that support. It was just

18:49

a marvel and it didn't really compute

18:52

to me people who, for

18:54

all practical purposes, didn't know me, you

18:56

know. And certainly there

18:59

was this compulsion to try to share,

19:02

because how can you really be close, how can you really

19:04

cleanse the moon.

19:04

Without just getting it all out there?

19:07

But I was I was doing that in therapy, and I was

19:09

trying to, you know, get

19:11

to know my husband and now my in laws,

19:14

and they're welcoming community that just opened

19:16

their arms to me. I was in

19:18

a bad spot and I got

19:20

so much help, and I know that doesn't happen

19:22

for everyone. I just don't think you can separate

19:25

my health journey and my recovery

19:27

and everything from how

19:29

critical really good

19:32

trauma informed therapy really

19:34

accepting.

19:35

And loving people.

19:36

And between those two things, I was also directed

19:39

towards places where my therapy could be funded,

19:41

you know, because I don't have my

19:44

feet under me and you're trying to

19:46

start our new life. It felt like, all right, I

19:48

got away with my

19:50

life. I'm going to try to start over. And

19:53

as I'm learning and acquiring

19:56

the vocabulary to understand what happened to me, whether

19:59

it be learning that child

20:01

rape did apply to me or oh, dissociation

20:04

like that, so that means I was also

20:06

learning about predators

20:10

and perpetrators. Because the

20:12

work that we immediately jumped into is like, where do

20:14

you start. There's there's twenty four years

20:17

to address, and the newer,

20:19

most recent stuff with the tendencies

20:22

and that the mob meant and all that

20:25

felt like not the

20:27

place to start. So we just I just

20:29

went to when I was youngest, when it was clearest,

20:32

when it's so obviously not my fault,

20:35

and to understand, hey, this

20:37

is how this happens.

20:38

Many other people have gone through this.

20:40

It was devastating and yet relieving and

20:42

so empowering all the same time because

20:44

I was able to move so quickly and

20:47

there was less, you know, judgment

20:49

to myself that would come up for

20:52

my teenage self and my young adult self, but as

20:54

my child self. That was really

20:56

helpful to learn about other victims

20:58

and survivors, and also to understand

21:01

that it wasn't a problem of

21:03

my dad or me as

21:05

a daughter, like what's wrong with me? Understanding

21:08

that this happens over and over and there is

21:10

a pattern, and we have words that conscribe these

21:12

things. And it became very

21:14

chilling, very quick. This is

21:16

no longer just my dad or my abuser,

21:19

but this is a perpetrator that is out

21:21

there, and so I'm doing

21:23

my best to just get my feet underbeed do

21:26

this extremely excruciating,

21:28

heavy therapeutic work

21:31

which is going to be a lifetime effort,

21:34

but very quickly, you know, within

21:37

weeks, especially as my therapist came

21:39

to understand more, as I shared more

21:41

with her, she was very aware it is a

21:43

very dangerous situation, you know,

21:45

And I would basically came to

21:47

realize I was kind of needing to prepare

21:50

to play a part and if this was

21:53

ever going to stop, I was gonna

21:55

have to talk about this, and

21:59

you know, Sean and different people

22:01

would ask me like can you report

22:03

this?

22:03

So you're ready to tell you.

22:04

They were trying to be respectful and not force

22:06

that on me because they knew I

22:08

needed to try to get a sense of control

22:10

and ownership over my body and my story and my experience.

22:14

You know.

22:14

The longer time went on, the more I could see

22:16

that not that this whole

22:18

thing is my fault, but it

22:21

may be on me to

22:23

stop this.

22:25

And it's becoming.

22:26

More and more of this moral

22:29

weight that every day

22:31

I don't do something, you

22:34

know, if nothing else. I mean, hopefully

22:36

my dad isn't preying on my sisters at

22:38

this moment, but they're out in front of people selling

22:42

a lie that is, you know, what was on the surface

22:44

is totally not what was happening behind

22:47

closed doors. And it was a real headspin

22:49

to try to get the courage, and

22:52

you just want to hide escape,

22:55

but you feel like you have this huge

22:57

responsibility.

23:02

We'll be back in a moment with more family

23:04

secrets.

23:16

The initial report about Jessica's

23:18

father is phoned into a hotline

23:21

at the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation, and

23:23

it is not made by Jessica, but rather

23:26

by someone close to her family who

23:28

had always suspected that something

23:31

was terribly amiss. In the Willis household,

23:34

Jessica is called in to give a statement. Within

23:38

twenty four hours, an investigation

23:41

is launched.

23:42

There are so many agents involved. It

23:44

really very quickly was like, well, will

23:47

someone speak firsthand to this?

23:49

Will Jessica talk or not?

23:51

And I was very much willing

23:53

and went in with the headspace of feeling

23:55

like, you know, I'm

23:58

actually more scared about

24:01

how this could go down. When you start looking

24:03

at perpetrators, even

24:06

serial killers like cult leaders, when

24:08

you get them cornered, it gets really

24:10

dangerous really fast. And

24:12

because of how it looked on the outside,

24:14

I honestly was afraid that people were

24:16

not going to understand the gravity of

24:19

the situation. So my thought going in

24:21

to this interview once I said yes to it, was

24:24

I have to say as much as I can, as

24:26

fast as I can, and stress to

24:28

them how bad I basically

24:30

have to roll out the greatest hits of the worst

24:32

things that I've ever seen and have ever happened

24:34

to me.

24:36

And you know, they were

24:38

there.

24:39

To see if I was going to say

24:41

that any sexual crimes had happened,

24:44

but I was like, okay, you know,

24:46

there's violence, bankings, and there's

24:48

religious teachings, and there's six

24:51

ar fifteens, and there's end

24:53

times profits.

24:54

You know.

24:54

So I'm saying all this crazy, like

24:56

not very organized stuff, but

24:59

they kept bringing.

24:59

It back to like, okay, did this

25:01

happen? Like what happened? How old were you? Where

25:04

were you?

25:05

And you know, so in describing

25:07

the sexual crimes, like you would

25:09

touch me here and this and that, and

25:12

they asked the best questions they can and just

25:14

saying, you know, oh, did this happen like

25:16

two times or five times or ten times?

25:18

I was like, no, like a hundred

25:21

times. I can't

25:23

even tell you how many times this is. This

25:25

is the least drastic thing,

25:28

Like I understand it's a crime, and

25:29

I'm in therapy and I'm finally

25:31

coming to understand just how bad this

25:34

is.

25:35

But that's the base.

25:37

We're going to add everything else on top of that.

25:40

I was feeling all sorts of things,

25:42

but even just to say that out

25:45

loud, oh yeah, that happened hundreds of times,

25:47

there's a part of me that was kind of just

25:49

shocked by even hearing me say that,

25:52

because there's so much to grieve, so

25:54

much to acknowledge, so much to sit with, you

25:57

know, twenty four years of reaction

26:00

that have never had their proper

26:04

time.

26:04

But there was no time for that, you know.

26:06

It was on to the next thing, trying

26:08

to paint, not to exaggerate.

26:10

But I finished talking for hours, and I

26:12

thought, did I forget the one thing

26:15

that's actually going to make this change and make

26:17

this stop? And it took me

26:20

a while to understand that that was connected

26:22

to me thinking

26:25

I must have not said it right when

26:27

everythings didn't stop. Eventually

26:29

you come back to blaming yourself and saying, well, I'm

26:32

the problem. And so even sitting there

26:34

in that investigation room and

26:37

talking to these professionals, it was like, have

26:39

I done enough.

26:43

Jessica's father is arrested. He

26:46

pleads guilty. Jessica

26:48

is, of course, completely on edge

26:51

until the moment of our father's sentencing.

26:53

He'll be in prison for most of the

26:55

rest of his life. He has gotten

26:58

away with so much for so long long,

27:00

and now he is finally being brought to justice

27:03

for all the pain, havoc and

27:05

abuse he has wrought. And

27:08

just as her father loses his freedom,

27:11

Jessica begins to gain her own.

27:15

Sean asks Jessica for her hand in marriage,

27:18

and she decides there's something she still needs

27:20

to share with him. For the case,

27:23

she had written a fourteen page letter detailing,

27:26

to the best of her ability and memory, everything

27:29

that her father had done to her. This

27:31

letter is used in her testimony,

27:34

and while she's let Sean into some degree,

27:37

she hasn't shared all the details,

27:39

all the horror, in all its granularity,

27:42

But she wants to enter into a marriage

27:45

in which there are no more secrets,

27:47

nothing hidden, only truth.

27:51

After I'd talked with TBI, I

27:56

told him all I could, and I actually asked

27:59

she also something that I had written be

28:01

included that included some graphics,

28:04

specifics of what had happened

28:06

over the years, just to make sure that

28:08

I was giving them all the information they

28:11

needed. And they did end up making

28:13

their rest warrant from part of

28:15

my testimony, and you

28:18

know, it didn't really feel like an option. There was nothing

28:20

that I was trying to hold back. And

28:23

in the days after that is the investigations

28:25

going on. You know, I'm looking at

28:27

this man that I love that

28:31

is getting to know me, and you know

28:33

we had been kept from doing that the normal

28:35

way and dating and recording, and

28:37

I'm having to share the deepest,

28:40

darkest, worst things that have ever happened

28:42

to me with people I don't know, complete

28:44

strangers, these investigators and

28:47

therapists, And if he was willing,

28:49

I wanted to tell him,

28:52

and I didn't want to force him to hear that.

28:55

But our relationship was built on him

28:57

sharing vulnerable things with me, and

29:00

over time, you know, me trusting that.

29:03

Yes, it's always risky to open up to

29:05

someone, but I had literally lived on the

29:08

edge of a cliff my entire life, and I didn't

29:10

want to go in to a relationship

29:13

where I was going to be judged for that. I

29:16

was done with having those secrets and I

29:18

lived in their power for so long. I couldn't

29:20

And again, he has his choice. He doesn't

29:22

have to share everything about

29:25

his past. He had shared

29:27

some things to build that trust, but he

29:29

said, yes, I want to all read whatever

29:31

someone else has to read. And that was a

29:34

big moment. You know, not a lot of fanfare

29:37

or anything, but you know, to see Sean,

29:40

this man that I love. And also even

29:42

just having talked to the investigators too,

29:45

there's something about seeing a man, this

29:48

man that I personally love. And then in the case

29:50

of the investigator, someone I don't know but who

29:52

kind of fits all of those stereotypical,

29:54

especially the way I was raised, masculine,

29:57

manly protector, you know,

29:59

essentially the dat that I

30:01

would have wanted internally

30:03

all this time, and to see

30:06

them take in my story and be moved

30:08

by it, grieved by it. But

30:10

also part of the proper reaction

30:12

to this is anger and

30:15

action, and I

30:17

think, especially as a woman, those things are a lot of

30:19

times taken away.

30:20

You have to be sweet, you have to be.

30:21

Kind, and you know, in my mind

30:24

growing up, those were the things that.

30:25

Men were allowed to do.

30:26

Men were allowed to get passionate

30:28

about what should happen, and to

30:31

feel like I trusted that this investigator.

30:34

Was going to make this

30:37

happen.

30:37

And then to share in vulnerability

30:40

with the person that I'm coming to

30:42

love and will eventually build a life

30:44

with, like those were really big moments

30:46

in this whole entire process.

30:54

Here's Jessica reading a passage

30:56

from her memoir Unspeakable.

30:59

Yes she is speaking.

31:03

We had a small wedding ceremony. By

31:05

the time I stood prepared to walk

31:07

myself down the aisle in front of eighty

31:10

some people on that drizzly spring day,

31:13

there was an anchor of calm underneath

31:15

the butterflies. No one there

31:17

would be giving this woman away. When

31:20

I was halfway to Sean, he abandoned his

31:22

post to meet me. We walked the last

31:25

few steps together.

31:27

We had already won, gone

31:32

ahead of it.

31:33

The boy as the Crown Hsigan.

31:39

It's a.

31:42

Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio.

31:45

Molly's Accour is the story editor and

31:47

Dylan Fagan is the executive producer. If

31:50

you have a family secret you'd like to share, please

31:53

leave us a voicemail and your story could appear

31:55

on an upcoming episode. Our number

31:57

is one eight eight eight secret Z

32:00

zero. That's the number zero. You

32:02

can also find me on Instagram

32:04

at Danny Rider. And

32:07

if you'd like to know more about the story that inspired

32:09

this podcast, check out my memoir

32:11

Inheritance And You're

32:14

Not Alone.

32:17

I can't let you know.

32:20

Leave my bottle with the lost in

32:22

fom jump.

32:29

Don't und you're gone

32:32

ahead, them out before you look

32:36

Again.