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tonight. First

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date baby. First

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date. I can't

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wait. First

0:47

date. Welcome back to another

0:50

episode of First Date, but it

0:53

is a second date today. Today

0:55

is our very first second

0:57

date ever. You

0:59

might remember this guest because he

1:01

has the podcast Tuesdays with Stories

1:03

and we might be drunk and

1:06

he's on the You Don't Say Tour right

1:08

now wearing the same sunglasses that he did

1:10

before. Give it up for Mark Normand. Hey,

1:14

hey, good to be back. Here, I got you these.

1:17

Oh my goodness. Oh yeah,

1:19

some tulips for those tulips. There's

1:22

not a single tulip in here. All right,

1:24

well I had to get the bit out. But

1:28

hey, it's going to be bad. My wife's going to love that

1:30

clip by the way. Oh my goodness.

1:32

What did she think about our last clip? Hippie,

1:35

little edgy. I'm surprised

1:38

you're back. Well, I went

1:40

to Terry Blacks last night, so we're even.

1:42

Hey. Yes, you love

1:44

the Blacks. Just when

1:46

I thought my last name couldn't get any

1:48

blocker. Oh yeah,

1:50

right. Geez, might as well be called

1:52

Lauren Harlem. But yeah,

1:56

great meal and now we both

1:58

had your husband's meet. in

2:01

our mouth boyfriend sorry

2:03

boyfriend okay don't

2:05

give him any credit that he hasn't earned yet all

2:07

right I'm waiting for that one you don't

2:09

want to you do want to get married I'd love to get

2:12

married he's the one oh yeah okay

2:15

now does he feel that way about

2:17

me I think he's thinking about the two all right

2:21

but yeah who knows

2:23

I mean these restaurateurs they're very wild

2:25

well you've seen Guy Fieri yeah get

2:27

crazy flames on his shirt I thought

2:30

you're gonna say his hair and

2:32

the hair well have you

2:34

been up to I've been living life

2:36

sister I've been riding the rails and doing

2:39

blow and doing comedy all kinds

2:41

of rails yeah I

2:43

want to know more about your wife what was your first

2:45

date like with your wife I don't

2:48

know if we talked about we met at a comedy show

2:50

I was on stage she was on a date with

2:53

some nerd and

2:55

I had a good set and then she ditched

2:57

old queef jizz face and went

2:59

out with this stud and we went

3:01

to a bar and made out did

3:03

you know that she was on a date when you picked her

3:06

up no she DM'd me and I we

3:08

met up after and we had

3:10

a drink at like 11 p.m. and

3:12

we made out and at her doorstep

3:15

and we hit it off and she said I would have sex with

3:17

you but I just got an IUD in so you got to

3:19

give it like a week that's not

3:21

true yeah oh really you

3:24

got me there

3:27

so she was going on a

3:29

date to your show yeah and then she

3:31

DM'd you on the way to the show

3:33

while she's with this other loser no after

3:35

the show she saw the set oh

3:37

and then she DM'd you and a hot

3:39

one yeah I did a whole bit about

3:41

a you know being 10 inches yeah you

3:43

know girthy yeah I think she liked that

3:45

mm-hmm Wow all right

3:48

well during conflict

3:50

do you prefer to like talk

3:53

things out right away or do you like to take time to

3:55

calm down conflict talking Israel Gaza

3:58

let's say that you guys are having like sense like

4:01

you're arguing about oh I see like dinner

4:03

yeah and then what you say you want

4:05

to get it out then like do you

4:07

want to get it out then or do you need to calm down

4:09

a minute I think it's better to get it out and

4:12

just have a communication of a dialogue but

4:14

I bottle I bottle

4:16

like an old Irish tugboat captain I

4:18

got shit in here from 1988 I'm

4:20

still thinking about the challenge you're exploding so

4:23

you hold grudges oh yeah really but not

4:25

not in a mean way it's just

4:27

it just eats away at me inside I

4:29

don't really hate them it just you

4:31

know hurts my inning innards

4:33

and then I get drunk okay

4:36

so you just let that feed but

4:38

I think communication is key I think you got to get it out I

4:40

think you got to go hey that really bothered

4:42

me how you did that we need to talk

4:44

about it right I don't have the self-worth for

4:46

that I don't

4:49

you know who cares about what I think come

4:53

on do you consider yourself more

4:56

emotional or logical well

4:58

the autism would say the latter I guess

5:02

I guess logical but I am very

5:04

emotional as well would

5:06

you consider yourself sensitive oh yeah

5:08

I think most comics are do

5:11

you if you had the opportunity

5:13

to have all of your friends say

5:16

the absolute truth about you no

5:18

terrifying would you want that no

5:20

no keep lying to me please

5:23

what are you crazy I don't

5:26

want any of that same with same with the

5:28

women like I just oh

5:30

that's that I did come you

5:33

know keep the

5:35

lies going these gals making

5:37

orgasms guys get mad at that I'm like no

5:39

no that's nice it's fine yeah they're trying to

5:41

keep your ego in check yeah well

5:44

with ten inches and a lot of girth yeah

5:47

I mean I'm you just and just looking at

5:49

me yeah you know to put a towel down

5:51

over here who

5:54

is your role model growing up mmm I

5:57

like Cosby's later work I

6:02

don't know. I like Bill Murray.

6:05

Okay still in the bills Huh?

6:08

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I thought you met the

6:10

Buffalo football team Yeah,

6:12

I guess I like a bill. I like Bill

6:14

Burr. I like Bill Maher Dollar

6:18

bill yeah, yeah, Bill Belichick

6:20

dollar bills are great What

6:24

is one thing that surprised you that you

6:26

learned from your wife? Mmm Well,

6:29

she's good because you know, as I

6:31

said, I have low self-esteem low self-worth

6:33

I hate myself. So I just work

6:35

a lot. I'm a workaholic. She'll

6:38

go hey Let's go to Italy and I go

6:40

what we can't go to Italy. Who am I

6:42

Timothy Shalamoo? I can't go to Italy and

6:44

she's like no, we just buy a plane ticket. We went to

6:46

Italy That is really nice. It

6:48

was incredible. And I was like, this is so cool people

6:50

can just do this I'm from

6:54

Louisiana. We didn't go to Italy Yeah,

6:56

you do now now I'm going to Italy. Yeah,

6:59

I went I went to South Africa For

7:01

the Safari. I mean, she's really like trying

7:04

to make me a human She she's

7:06

the one who encourages traveling. Yeah

7:08

traveling living life doing normal things. She's like,

7:10

let's go to a concert I'm like, ah,

7:13

what I can't do that. I got

7:15

I gotta work. Yeah, but she

7:17

pulls it out of me She's adding value

7:19

to your life. I guess so. I

7:21

mean she sounds like she's taking my

7:24

money No, the great way how

7:26

to spend your money. Yeah. Yeah,

7:28

that's true. So there's value. Yeah,

7:30

there's experiences That's the key to

7:32

life experiences. Yeah. Yeah, you know

7:34

I do know anal I Guess

7:38

after all that barbecue Oh

7:45

I've never been a fan of anal.

7:47

It's like that's an exit only. Okay,

7:50

damn Is that it

7:52

is that we tried with the wife it

7:54

well, I couldn't the 10-incher,

7:56

you know, it wouldn't fit It was

7:58

like I felt like like an NBA

8:00

star and an Asian virgin. Oh.

8:03

It was a real keyhole. And

8:06

I had a... No,

8:09

no, I'm not huge, but she

8:11

can't do it, we tried it. She's like a

8:13

pinhole back there. I can't get anything in it.

8:15

Okay, that's great. Like a golf pencil wouldn't fit

8:18

in there. We know that she's great

8:20

at helping you have life experiences. What

8:22

is the biggest splurge you've ever done

8:25

financially? With her or just

8:27

in general? Let's go

8:29

for in general. Well, during the pandemic

8:32

I got drunk and bought a car. Okay.

8:34

Yeah, I was on a website called Bring a Trailer

8:36

and it has all these antique cars and I bought

8:38

one. I just said, fuck it, I had a couple

8:40

of glasses of whiskey. It was three in the morning,

8:42

the lights are off. I just got the computer screen

8:44

light on my face and I just said, fuck it,

8:46

and I bought it and it got shipped to my

8:48

house. Do you still have it? Oh yeah, I love

8:50

that car, 1973 BMW 2002. Wow,

8:55

that's pretty cool. It's a cool

8:57

car, 50 years old. Parts are really

8:59

expensive to replace on old BMWs, huh?

9:01

Yeah, that's true, the fucking Germans, their

9:03

auto stuff is the worst thing they've

9:05

ever done. But yeah,

9:08

I keep it in the garage. Ha ha ha ha

9:10

ha ha ha! It

9:13

took me just a second. Yeah, there you

9:15

go. To get that one. Uh-huh, took

9:17

you six billion seconds. Oh.

9:27

Oh my goodness, I like you a lot.

9:29

Hey, it's gonna be back. I'm so glad you're

9:31

back. I never got a second date with most ladies,

9:33

so this is nice. Well, welcome.

9:37

Good to be here. Do you think it's good

9:39

to keep secrets from each other in a

9:41

relationship as a way to keep it mysterious? I

9:45

don't think so. I mean, it depends on the secret. If

9:49

you like kids, hold onto that

9:51

one. Ha ha ha ha ha!

9:53

But if you

9:55

kinda, if she's like, we're going to

9:57

play bingo and you wanna be nice.

10:00

you play bingo i think if you secretly hate

10:02

bingo you eventually gotta tell her mm-hmm so

10:04

i think it all out communication that's the

10:06

key what is there something that you

10:09

had from your wife that you didn't like

10:11

that she really like you need to keep

10:13

keep it going forward yeah

10:15

well most things you

10:18

know i think both guys don't want to do anything women

10:20

like to do things i think

10:22

men are like how do i get out of everything yeah

10:25

you know how do you get out of things that you don't

10:27

want to do a lie you you you kind

10:29

of give and take you go alright well

10:31

go apple picking sunday which sounds like hell

10:34

on earth i don't know why you'd want

10:36

to do that i will

10:38

do that but the next week i'm i'm

10:40

not going to jazz brunch okay

10:42

you know you can't believe you're like i'll

10:44

do this but i'm not going to do that exactly

10:47

well i don't know why you gals like to

10:49

do these activities when you

10:51

think that is you were living like a migrant them in

10:53

the sun and i'm i'm a pick and fruit crazy

10:57

if we want to feel like you want

10:59

to do things with us other than yeah

11:02

have but we don't

11:05

it's a yeah i know it's a cruel

11:07

truth but let me ask

11:09

you this if you could have sex but

11:12

never be in love again or be

11:14

in love and never have sex what

11:16

would you do i'd go first

11:18

god damn it well i've already

11:20

had i know what love feels like and

11:23

my with my parents i've already noticed like

11:26

did not be loved so i

11:28

could live with that all okay so

11:30

you're just you're just gonna have you're gonna

11:32

keep that i guess that the latest of

11:34

the do what do you think that

11:36

you felt romantic i do i'm a

11:39

romantic day i'm

11:41

a lover not a fighter i uh...

11:43

do the flowers i do dinner i leave you

11:45

know big note

11:47

guy which we discussed but uh... yeah

11:49

i'm i like uh... romance i think

11:51

it's fun yeah i did a

11:54

thing with the lady i don't know if we talk about

11:56

this sorry guys let

11:58

me know i uh... I

12:00

think I talked about this I hired a guy and

12:03

he played as a we was an actor and he

12:05

played as a French waiter And we had I set

12:07

up a whole dinner on the sidewalk. No, you didn't

12:09

tell me the desert question from the first episode I'm

12:14

in reruns No, it's okay.

12:16

I like still I never get tired of a

12:18

good story. Yeah. Well, I'm no Ari Shafir

12:20

This is America's sweetheart all of a

12:22

sudden apparently like the most hated comic

12:24

on earth aside from maybe Cosby But

12:27

the guy's fucking You

12:29

know, you know viral three hours late

12:32

to the first date Wow Three

12:35

hours, but he's like what guns with

12:37

Joe Rogan and I'm like three hours.

12:39

He's white. I It's

12:43

despicable it was horrible and I waited

12:46

like a good simp damn so now you

12:48

agree with Palestine He's

12:54

Jewish if you haven't seen his

12:56

face Oh

13:02

My god three hours late

13:05

his nose got here those is only two hours

13:07

late, but he was three Who

13:13

initiates sex in your relationship, it's

13:15

all me she'll try she's not great at

13:17

it well What

13:20

do you mean? She's not great on it? I think a

13:22

lot of women aren't great with the initiation like I don't

13:24

know if we talked about this But back

13:26

when I used to be on bumble years ago

13:29

women initiate that's the whole point of bumble,

13:31

that's the the hook and Women

13:34

are the worst Conversation starters on these

13:36

apps. They're like hi. I'm like hi. That's it

13:39

now you're throwing it back on me So I

13:41

gotta go. Hey, what are you up to? What

13:43

do you do all day? What's your job? So

13:47

yeah, I just pick her up and I bring her to the

13:49

bed. Uh-huh. I go full

13:51

like caveman You're like it's time

13:53

bitch. Yeah, that's about it I think she

13:55

kind of digs it. Yeah, it's a little weird

13:58

with her family's there, but I still do it

14:01

well has there ever been a time that she's tried to

14:03

come on to you and like wanted to have sex and

14:05

then you've had a headache no I

14:07

always push through I've been a

14:09

lot by many gals because you don't want to

14:11

say no you ever said no to a woman

14:13

sexually they get angry yeah

14:16

I mean men do too but at least we

14:18

talk about it when a girl wants to have

14:20

sex with a guy and then the guy's like

14:23

not in the mood it's like well now

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now on Bumble. These

19:23

incels, if they could just get laid once, I

19:25

feel like they would just, they'd be fine. They'd

19:28

join the Cub Scouts. Yeah, but they're not.

19:31

No, no, no. What

19:33

is something that you cannot be trusted with?

19:37

Mmm, well, let's see, booze in

19:39

the house will be tough. Can't

19:42

leave that around, I'll drink it. Sweets,

19:46

uh... You got a sweet tooth?

19:48

I do, yeah. What

19:50

kind of sweet snacks do you like? I

19:53

mean, Reese's Peanut

19:55

Butter Cup is number one. My favorite!

19:57

The best. Something about that ratio.

20:00

of peanut butter and it's the

20:02

perfect segregation. And let's

20:04

see, I

20:08

like, I'm a chocolate guy, ice cream. Anything ice

20:10

cream? Cinnamon rolls. Oh

20:13

geez, that's naughty. Pop them in

20:15

the microwave. That's like fentanyl. You

20:17

can't do it. Donuts are

20:19

great, love it. I'm off bread though.

20:22

Oh really? I got hit with a gluten intolerance out

20:24

of the gate. Oh no. I

20:27

never had it, then it hit me at like 38. I

20:29

think you can still have sourdough. I don't think

20:31

sourdough has gluten in it. Really, okay.

20:33

Yeah, like vegans eat a

20:36

lot of sourdough. Oh, I didn't know that. All

20:38

right. Yeah. I'll look into

20:40

that. You should. Do

20:42

you do chores around the house? I

20:45

clean while I'm doing things. Hold

20:47

on. Like, let's

20:49

say I'm cooking and I'm destroying the kitchen.

20:52

I clean as I cook. So

20:54

when something's, when I use a

20:56

bunch of bowls and shit to make up the

20:58

flour and stir everything, while the

21:01

flour is in the oven, now I'm doing the

21:03

dishes. And I get it all done in one

21:05

swoop, where she will just ruin this fucking kitchen

21:07

and then move on. So.

21:11

So you don't leave a mess behind. No, no, because

21:14

if you don't do it then, you'll never do it. That's

21:16

how I feel. You're already up, you're already on

21:18

your feet, you're already working. Just keep going and

21:21

then finish the dishes and you'll have the food.

21:23

Yeah. You know, my biggest fault

21:25

around the house is that I

21:27

don't pick up my clothes. Oh,

21:30

yeah, men hate that. I

21:32

make piles. Oh, come on.

21:35

I know. And I self-sabotage. So

21:37

I put these piles on

21:39

top of my drawers that have things in

21:41

them. So I can't get to

21:43

the drawers that I need to get to. So

21:46

I'll end up just throwing the pile of clothes

21:48

on the floor. Sure. And let

21:50

that mountain arise. Right.

21:52

Okay, now do you guys share a closet? Oh,

21:56

you see, you need your own. I definitely

21:58

need my own. Destroy that. 100%

22:01

yeah, that's tough. I would almost take

22:04

a bigger closet over a proposal at

22:06

this point. Whoa There's

22:08

your loophole Terry Or

22:12

whatever his name is Terry's dad.

22:15

Oh, okay. Wrong black There's

22:19

a lot of blacks in the family Yeah,

22:22

his name is also mark. Oh,

22:24

hey. Yeah. All right. You won't

22:26

forget that mark black mark black

22:28

good name mark I

22:30

like that Do

22:36

you know how to change a tire on a car? Oh,

22:38

yeah 40

22:41

I grew up before the internet I could change the tire I can

22:43

change an oil Yeah,

22:45

you name it Wow,

22:47

so you're like a man's man I

22:49

wouldn't say that but I think there's a couple

22:51

things everybody should know Yeah You know I used

22:53

to work as a janitor and

22:55

I had to know how to like change few

22:57

fuse boxes in a you know Like a skyscraper.

23:00

I had to like haul garbage. I

23:02

had to hang stuff. I had to fix pipes I had

23:04

to take like a if a possum

23:06

was in the fucking air duct I had to clean

23:08

it out Oh, yeah, I

23:10

was in a jumpsuit. I was all in Wow. Yeah

23:14

You seem like the kind of guy that would also want

23:16

to fly planes No,

23:18

no, I don't think I think you kind of

23:20

look like a pilot really You're

23:24

giving pilot vibes. All right. Well jump

23:26

in the cockpit. No, I Play

23:29

these fat people get in two seats. I would put

23:31

an end to that if I was a pilot now

23:33

Maybe would be I don't let me in a van

23:36

I do think you're right though, like if you're

23:38

taking up half my feet at least give

23:40

like Venmo me Yeah for half

23:42

the ticket. Well, I got a theory

23:44

with that. No shame. I used to

23:46

be pretty fat my family's fat That

23:49

is like smoking you can

23:51

do whatever you want to your body But

23:54

once it's encroaching on me, like the secondhand

23:56

fat is now ruining my

23:58

flight Yeah, it's like blowing on smoking my

24:00

face. You can smoke, but once you're fucking

24:02

with my shit, now we got a problem.

24:04

Yeah, you're taking up my space.

24:07

I would rather a fat person just take up both

24:09

seats and then I would just sit for free on

24:11

their lap. Oh, like a bean

24:13

bag. Yeah, like a love sack. That's not

24:16

bad. I just sit my little happy ass

24:18

down and ride for free. Love sack,

24:20

baby. What is something that you do

24:23

because you love your partner, not

24:27

because you enjoy it? Hmm, boy, that's a good one. I

24:32

think I heard that the number one cause of

24:34

divorce or number one symptom

24:36

that's gonna lead to a divorce is

24:39

when you don't pretend to give a shit about

24:41

your partner's kind of events. Like

24:45

if your boyfriend walked in and was like, can you believe we did

24:47

this? And you're like, eh,

24:49

who cares? I'm watching 90 day fiance, shut up.

24:51

That marriage is over or that relationship's over.

24:54

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. That relationship's

24:56

over. So you got to pretend to give

24:58

a shit. You can fake an

25:00

orgasm, fake giving

25:03

a fuck about my accomplishments. So

25:06

I think that's a little note out there. So

25:08

even if you're thinking, I don't give a shit, who

25:11

cares that you sold this thing or whatever, you still

25:13

gotta fake it. Yeah, well, you

25:15

have to be somewhat

25:17

impressed and supportive and excited about someone

25:19

else's accomplishments, even if it doesn't have

25:21

anything to do necessarily with

25:24

you. Exactly, could you lower the menu?

25:26

I'm losing the view. Yeah,

25:28

of course. There we go. I wore this dress

25:30

for a reason. I know. Can you take

25:32

off your sunglasses? I can't do it legally.

25:36

But I noticed I was actually listening to what you were

25:38

saying and I was like, oh, I can't see them. Oh,

25:40

shit, no. Can't have that. Good

25:43

Lord. Who's your

25:45

go-to person for advice? Mm,

25:48

that's a good question. I

25:51

usually just ask the internet. I take a poll

25:53

on Twitter. Oh my God. I know,

25:55

it's not good. Why would you

25:57

do that? Every time I ask the internet something, like.

26:00

that's wrong with me. It's like I should be

26:02

dead yesterday. Right, right. Yeah,

26:04

they're very mean out there. Yeah. Mean people.

26:06

But yeah, I don't know who else I

26:08

can ask my dumb friends. They know as

26:10

much as I do. Is

26:14

there anything you need advice on right now? Ooh.

26:16

Yeah, where are you

26:19

at on male bush? Male

26:22

bush. You like full? You

26:24

like a trim? You like a shave? I

26:26

feel like a male bush is

26:28

like floss. Like

26:32

every time that I've ever

26:34

gone down on a guy and he's

26:37

got a bush, it always gets

26:39

in my mouth. Really? Oh my

26:41

god, yeah. But maybe I'm just like, maybe

26:44

I'm just giving too good of a blow job. But

26:47

yeah, it's like, I don't know. I prefer not

26:49

to like rub my face. It's like a, like

26:51

what do you call those things that you? Brillo

26:53

pad? Brillo pad. It's like a Brillo pad and I

26:55

just don't, like I don't love it. Yeah. But

26:59

I, I'll still, I'm still a

27:01

down ass bitch. Okay, well wait.

27:03

So you, but sometimes if a guy trims, it's kind

27:05

of gay. No, if

27:07

you trim, I'll give you a

27:09

better blow job. Whoa, boy.

27:11

Your fucking boyfriend should be

27:13

sending me ribs. I'm

27:17

getting, he's gotta be trimming. This is all

27:19

good intel for you there, Blackie. Don't

27:25

worry, he's, he's got it down

27:27

now. Alright, alright, alright. There you go. He

27:30

knows what, what gets

27:32

him further. What's your

27:34

biggest pet peeve? Jeez, I

27:36

got so many peeves. I mean, I

27:38

have a segment on my show called

27:41

peeves, but I

27:43

can just start rallying them off. How

27:45

about the, I hate a hotel elevator

27:48

that needs the key to get through the

27:50

elevator? Yes, let me, I got

27:52

a handful of shit. You're drunk and I pull the

27:54

key out. You can't find it. You want like an

27:56

actual literal key. No, no, like to get up the

27:58

elevator, you have to use. your key, your

28:00

card. Okay, so you don't

28:03

like security. No, no, no one's me,

28:05

except for my wife. But yeah,

28:08

I hate that, I hate the chatty Uber driver.

28:10

I hate the Uber driver who goes, do you

28:12

know how to get there? You're like, look, come

28:14

on, I'm in an Uber because I'm going to

28:16

a new place. I don't know where it is

28:18

either. Boy, let's see, I

28:20

hate the people who, they tell you

28:22

how you're gonna feel about a story. They go, you're gonna

28:24

love this. And you're like, I don't know if I

28:26

will. You know, or all this, this,

28:29

you'll like. And then they tell you a

28:31

story, that annoys me. Yeah,

28:33

I got a million of them. I feel you. I

28:38

think my biggest pet peeve is when someone

28:41

asks me to do something that I don't wanna do.

28:43

I'm such a nice person that I'll do it. I'm

28:45

the same way, that's why I'm here. Ha

28:48

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah, I'm kidding,

28:50

I'm joking. But no, I can't

28:52

say no. If I was a woman, I would have

28:54

every, I'd be airtight right now. I'd have every hole

28:56

sealed. Every guy that hit on me, I

28:58

would bang him. I don't know how you

29:00

ladies do it. Yeah, what

29:02

do you think is a good activity on a first date?

29:07

I think, I think we've talked about

29:09

this as well. Did I say grocery store? Walking

29:12

around a grocery store is underrated for a

29:14

date. You can kinda comment on the items,

29:17

what do you like, what do you not like? You're

29:19

on your feet. It's a

29:21

good social activity. Go

29:24

through a grocery store, telling ya. There's always something

29:26

to talk about, never a dull moment. Then

29:28

you can buy the food, go cook

29:30

it. Now you're hanging out,

29:32

you're cooking together. It

29:36

works. Grocery store. I know, you

29:38

want a diamond ring, and a

29:40

gold dildo and all this. Not

29:42

even even want a dildo. Okay.

29:45

I don't like them, I don't like toys.

29:47

Really? Yeah. No,

29:49

I'm old school. Just a

29:52

good hard dong.

29:55

And some really sexy lingerie.

29:58

Oh, really? Mark. Where's that?

30:00

Yeah. No,

30:03

but that's like as bad as, that's as like crazy

30:06

as I get. You're pretty meat

30:08

and pate. Yeah. Okay. Well,

30:10

we have a new part of this menu. Uh-oh.

30:13

It's called a tasting menu. I

30:15

think you're gonna like this. Okay.

30:17

So it's rapid fire questions. Bring

30:20

it on, sister. So you're gonna

30:22

have to say the first thing that comes to the

30:24

top of your head. Put it right in

30:26

my ass. Are you ready? Chocolate or vanilla?

30:29

Chocolate. Do you like a woman

30:31

with her hair up or down? Down. Wine

30:33

or champagne? Well, red

30:36

or white? Red. Why

30:39

do you sound so nervous about that? I don't

30:41

even like wine and I should have picked champagne.

30:44

I panicked. Thank God you

30:46

didn't ask if I like men or women. Favorite

30:51

car? Uh,

30:54

the 1956 Stingray. Then

30:56

why didn't you buy that? It wasn't for

30:58

sale when I was drunk. Oh. Shower

31:02

bath. Shower. Favorite cocktail?

31:06

Uh, probably a Manhattan. You

31:10

know, that's common in men. Mm.

31:13

I like a Manhattan, yeah. They're good. I

31:16

also like a Negroni and an Old Fashioned.

31:18

Also the other two most common cocktails in

31:20

men. All right. That's being so

31:22

average, Mark. Okay, I'm a basic bitch. I

31:25

like a- Basic ass bitch. I like a

31:27

Paper Plane, a Margarita. What's

31:29

a Paper Plane? Oh, it's a great drink. You're gonna

31:32

love it. Well, we'll make one. Okay,

31:34

I'm scared. Spear Mint or Peppermint?

31:37

Neither, but I guess I'll go Pepper. What's

31:40

your favorite? I don't like mint. Oh, you don't?

31:42

Not really. I'll chew gum just to get

31:44

the breath okay, but I'm not a mint guy. Do

31:47

you like cilantro? Yes.

31:51

Okay, one stumped. That's

31:53

a real room divider. It is a real room

31:55

divider. It's crazy. It's like Republican Democrat. You know,

31:58

people go nuts. But some people say that- Cilantro

32:00

tastes like soap. Yeah, but it

32:02

just shows that humans are different. Some people taste

32:04

cilantro They go this is great. Some people see

32:06

a kid and they go this is great Boxers

32:11

or briefs? Boxer briefs.

32:15

Song or granny panties? Oh Song

32:18

I mean who's going granny? Morning

32:22

bird or night owl? Night.

32:26

Favorite position? Uh

32:29

For me or for her? Let's go

32:31

for you. I like the

32:34

me standing on the side of the bed Her

32:37

laying on it legs up. Oh,

32:39

yeah, that's a good one. What's her

32:41

favorite position? She likes

32:44

when I'm behind her and she's looking out the

32:47

window You don't have

32:49

a good view? Yeah. Oh, yeah, she likes to face

32:51

north. We got a playground right outside Oh

32:59

Are you an alpha or a beta? I

33:02

don't know. Can I be somewhere in the middle? I

33:04

don't feel like I'm really an alphabet. I'm an

33:06

alphabet. Okay, alpha beta Make

33:11

do you have mix match socks

33:14

or matching? I'm all over the

33:16

place these socks They're they're different

33:18

colors. They're crunchy as hell

33:20

Let me see, I can't see. You got a

33:22

black one above your ankle. Well, maybe

33:25

okay. I got a fruit of the

33:27

loom here Okay, and then I got

33:29

a bomb buzz here. Okay. Yeah, but

33:31

they're like similar. They're both black, you

33:33

know Yeah, but black.

33:35

Yeah, we've heard but But

33:39

yeah, they're definitely mixing and matching and they

33:41

smell horrible and they're crunchy from the semen

33:44

Okay, that was too much. Sorry a

33:46

little too far. I got a problem with that

33:50

What is the oldest thing in your fridge right now? Oh

33:53

Man, I'm sure we got like an old Hot

33:56

sauce or something from from who knows

33:58

when back in there We got a

34:00

lot of nasty shit. I gotta clean that fridge. Yeah,

34:03

this is friendly reminder clean as you go. Yeah,

34:06

yeah East Coast or West Coast Well,

34:09

they both have their perks, but I live on the east

34:11

I'm gonna go East Coast is the most Botox

34:14

or wrinkles go with the

34:16

wrinkles ladies these gals are getting Botox at uh,

34:18

you know 26 or whatever Let

34:21

it ride a little yeah, cuz all

34:23

we talk about is body positivity, but

34:25

everybody's on ozem pic Botox steroid You're

34:28

all full of shit You

34:30

know, it's the same with these climate change cooks who get on

34:32

a private jet all day, you know,

34:34

it's true. Oh Bullshit,

34:37

but Botox is preventative of Wrinkles

34:42

yes true. So they're trying to look

34:44

better But

34:46

I would say that you can't even

34:48

tell if like it doesn't change anything except a little

34:50

bit of movement in your face Yeah,

34:54

so why do it? So

34:56

that you don't get wrinkles. All

34:59

right, then that shit wear off in like two weeks

35:01

three months Okay, and your your

35:03

body becomes immune to it. Oh

35:06

geez. You gotta up it You you

35:08

have to stop it Wow like a

35:10

significant amount of time So when

35:12

it wears off you can't get it

35:14

again Yeah, like a certain amount of time

35:16

because your body will just like just

35:19

inhale it and it won't work Whoa,

35:21

and then you pee it out. I think I

35:23

don't know but I've been doing it since I was 26 But

35:26

it's a slippery slope It's like weed because

35:28

eventually it's like a gateway thing and then

35:31

eventually you look like Madonna. Yeah surgery

35:33

get the lipo you get the tuck and

35:36

the chisel and One day you just

35:38

wake up and you're a different person completely.

35:40

Yeah, so be careful out there tits.

35:43

Thank you iPhone

35:45

or Android iPhone come on. I'm

35:47

a honky coffee or tea coffee all

35:50

day. What am I so I've got

35:52

a limey favorite flowers

35:56

Don't say tulips. All

35:58

right. I don't know Oh that's a

36:01

fancy one. Yeah, it's the only one.

36:03

Poinsettia? Is that a flower? That's a pretty

36:05

one too. Alright. Do you know what it

36:07

looks like? That's the Christmas. Yeah. Wow.

36:11

Yeah, they're red. Wow. You

36:13

see? I can be. You

36:15

know some shit. I can be gay. Yeah.

36:18

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Intro

36:21

all day. Have you

36:23

ever pretended to be an extrovert? I do it all

36:25

the time. It's tough. Um,

36:29

I would say sweet or savory but I

36:31

feel like you're gonna say sweet. We know

36:33

this one. I would go savory if I'm

36:35

gonna, if it's like if I had to pick one.

36:38

Really? Yeah, well you can't

36:40

beat a nice salty dish. It is

36:42

true. You know, and I grew up

36:44

in New Orleans so it was a

36:46

lot of like seafood and gumbo and

36:48

Cajun Creole, baby. Yum! Deep

36:52

dish or thin crust pizza? Thin crust! Fuck

36:55

that deep shit. It's no good. It's

36:57

all bread. It is true. Yeah.

36:59

Do you like pineapple on your pizza? No.

37:02

What am I, a communist? Do

37:05

you prefer karaoke or dancing? Jeez,

37:07

I hate both. Um, but

37:10

at least with dancing you can cut loose and get

37:12

fun. Karaoke I'd rather be waterboarded.

37:15

It's a nightmare. Hey karaoke is the worst

37:17

thing Japan ever did to us. Goldfish

37:21

or Cheez-Its? Mmm. That's tough.

37:25

I guess Cheez-Its. They got a little more heat. They're

37:27

a little sharper. Yeah. I think they got

37:29

a little tang to them. Whereas

37:31

the goldfish is pretty bland. But a goldfish can like melt in your

37:33

mouth. Yeah, that's true. You get that cakey jizz up there, you know? Ew. I

37:37

hate that move. Yeah, it's true. Pop-Tarts too.

37:40

Yeah. Yeah, why can't they serve normal shit? I don't

37:42

know. You know, they're like, hey, do you want a Biscole? I

37:44

don't know. I don't know. I

37:47

don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

37:49

I don't know. I don't know. I

37:52

don't know. You know, they're like, hey, do you want

37:54

a Biscole? Like

37:57

why can't I get a Biscole on Earth? Only

38:00

in the sky? What other time in

38:02

your life are you ever offered

38:04

a Biscoff? Never, they're harder than

38:06

my dad's cock in my ass. They're

38:08

so hard, I can't, you get covered

38:11

in dandruff. Yeah, it's like a Nutrigrain

38:13

bar. Yes, your whole

38:15

lap is ruined. It is. Yeah, just like

38:17

mine now. A little

38:19

soiled. Oh, okay. Mohawk

38:22

or mullet? I gotta go

38:24

mullet. Figures. Very

38:26

steel, Vaun of you. Manicure or pedicure?

38:30

By the way, pedicure sounds like how we could stop.

38:34

It's a pedicure. Okay. All

38:37

right. Sorry,

38:39

that was a stretch. But

38:42

I guess I'm not a foot guy, so

38:44

I'd rather a lady get a manicure. Okay.

38:47

I don't care about feet. Do you like it when she

38:49

has just like polish on her nails or do you

38:51

like that ratchet long, kinda like scratch your back? I

38:54

think ratchet long is fun and like a

38:56

porno or stripper. It's fun to look at,

38:58

it's very feminine. Kinda

39:01

very kinda skanky and hot, but on your

39:03

lady, I think just something. Keep it

39:05

simple. Yeah. Leather

39:07

or lace? Ooh, I

39:09

like leather. Leather pants on a

39:11

gal. Can't beat

39:13

it. That tight hide

39:15

on your butt. Yeah. The

39:18

best. I can tell it's your

39:20

first time saying that in a long time. Yeah,

39:22

yeah. Yeah. No. I'm

39:25

not allowed in a few cities. Do

39:29

you like Star Wars or Harry Potter more?

39:32

Star Wars. I never got

39:34

into Harry, I don't really like any

39:36

fantasy, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter,

39:38

not for me. No, not into magic.

39:40

No, I hate magic. No, you don't.

39:43

Well, it's fun, a card trick here

39:45

and there. I like watching black people

39:47

react to magic. That's a great time.

39:49

But yeah, I

39:51

don't know. Harry Potter doesn't do it for

39:54

me. Like the wand, zippity zopity zoo. And

39:57

they never do anything cool with magic. It's never like make

39:59

this person. Trans you

40:01

know although JK Rowling might have a problem with that

40:04

but yeah, it's just uh, it's just

40:06

silly kid shit Yeah, what it's what

40:08

the hell is quidditch the game

40:10

in Harry Potter? Yeah I don't know I could explain it

40:12

to you But I feel like you're gonna like me less

40:15

if I did that yeah, well, it'll be some

40:17

nerds out there Well, that'll be a great time

40:19

for them. Yeah, I'll just record it and watch it

40:21

on repeat Anyway ghosts

40:23

or aliens I? Gotta

40:26

go aliens. I mean that we're in Texas.

40:28

So they're coming in but

40:30

yeah, I gotta go alien

40:32

because Illegal

40:34

no Ghosts are silly

40:37

whenever people bring up goes that's a peeve

40:39

feel like hey, you know, this place is

40:41

haunted like shut up So what is what

40:43

are you talking about? Yeah, so and

40:46

it's always like a convenient ghost It's like the

40:48

ghost of Alexander Hamilton lives in here.

40:51

You're like, okay. How do you know?

40:53

It's not just You

40:55

know like a plumber. Yeah, you know, it's

40:57

always a cool ghost So you've never

40:59

been in a situation where you felt like it was kind

41:01

of spooky or haunted. I Mean

41:04

I grew up in New Orleans with the voodoo and all that But

41:07

now it's silly if if ghosts were

41:09

real We just be walking through them constantly

41:11

because there's more dead people on earth than

41:13

the live. Yeah, so it'd just be like

41:16

Waiting through thousands and thousands of

41:19

ghosts, but I think that the

41:21

premise of a ghost is that it hasn't like passed

41:23

on It's not

41:25

like everyone who's died is a ghost

41:28

like Biden wait, I

41:31

See, so, okay Okay,

41:35

so it's not that many I mean,

41:37

I don't know I can't see them Hmm.

41:40

Yeah, I don't I don't buy it. Okay

41:42

too convenient. What is the best music to have sex

41:44

to? Oh Wow,

41:46

that's tough. I like I

41:49

like something Something

41:52

slow maybe not too slow

41:54

though. Let's see I'd

41:58

say gangsta rap Did we

42:00

learn nothing from the last

42:02

show, Mark? What happened? You

42:05

burped. Oh, sorry. That's

42:07

a no. That's a red flag.

42:09

All right, you queef will call it even. I

42:13

don't know how to queef. What? On

42:15

command. Oh, OK, OK. That's

42:17

a skill. There's a whole website dedicated. I can't

42:19

believe we're on our second date. And

42:23

you burped again into the mic. You know

42:25

that I have these headphones in, and it's

42:27

like extra? Yeah, I didn't know you

42:29

had the headphone. It's like an echo.

42:32

All right, sorry. It won't happen again. So

42:40

what were you saying about the best music to have

42:42

sex to a little slow, but not too slow?

42:44

Yeah, I like Wagner. Da da da da

42:47

da da da da da da da da

42:49

da da da da da. No. I

42:52

don't know, maybe like the R&B? R&B.

42:56

Music? Yeah. Yeah, a little R

42:58

Kelly. OK. Yeah. Yeah, piss on

43:01

the sheets. Yeah, there you go.

43:03

Yeah, she's in my dungeon. It's fun. OK.

43:06

Lights on or off? Oh, I

43:09

like them off. But you still want to see some

43:11

nip. You know, you want to make sure there's

43:13

not a dick in there. So yeah,

43:15

a dim. A good

43:17

dimming. Good dim light. Dim sum. I

43:23

got my dessert question for you now. OK. Is

43:25

there anything else that you would like to tell

43:27

me? No,

43:30

no, I think I'm good. Thanks for having

43:32

me. And I love

43:34

Texas. You're not leaving yet. Oh, sorry.

43:36

Sit still. Sit tight. Well,

43:38

I already asked you my dessert question. I

43:42

was going to ask you about the sex. Would you rather be in

43:45

love or never have sex again? And you

43:47

already answered that. Well,

43:49

love can fade anyway. Love is great.

43:52

It keeps the world spinning, but

43:55

it can go away. Yeah. And that's almost

43:57

worse. Loved

43:59

and lost. is brutal. I

44:01

think so too. At least

44:03

it's actually not getting hurt. Yeah. Except

44:06

for the, you know, pegging. You

44:09

and pegging. Have I talked about pegging a lot?

44:12

Would you let your wife peg you? No. If

44:15

she did ain't all we could talk, then we'd have

44:18

a little. Little competition. Yeah, but. But

44:20

don't you think that that would be a

44:22

bad idea because she wouldn't wanna do it

44:24

and so then she'd come back at you

44:26

a little angrier? Ooh, good point.

44:28

And you got no control with pegging. It's

44:31

all behind you. You just gotta take it.

44:33

Yeah. I don't know how you girls do

44:35

it. Well, not

44:37

all of us do. Well, even like doggy

44:39

style. Oh, I love it doggy style. Oh

44:41

wait, are we still talking about anal? No, no.

44:43

We're talking about sex. Just the guy behind you, you

44:46

can't see anything. Do you have a backup

44:48

cam of some mirror? No, it's the

44:50

feeling. Okay. Yeah.

44:53

All right, but what are you looking at? What are you thinking about?

44:55

Well, some of us are looking out a window at a

44:58

kid's park. You got that right. That's

45:00

how I proposed. How

45:03

did you propose? We'll do that for my dessert class

45:05

again. Okay. Well, the

45:08

real story, I think we talked about this as well, but

45:10

we were at the Martha's

45:13

Vineyard and we were

45:15

at the beach and I knew I was gonna do it

45:17

and there were two old people just sitting on the

45:20

beach. The waves are crashing. I said, I gotta

45:22

pee. Can you look out for

45:24

me? She goes, sure. I walk into

45:26

a bush, turn around, take the ring out

45:29

and I go, all right, I'm

45:31

done. And she turned around and the ring was

45:33

on my dick. No,

45:36

I'm just kidding. But I was

45:38

on one knee and I did the whole thing. And

45:42

were you nervous? I actually was. I tell

45:44

jokes in front of a bunch of people

45:46

every night and that freaked me out. How

45:49

long did you date her before you proposed? Seven

45:52

years. Okay. I'm

45:54

gonna get your guy in trouble here, aren't I? No,

45:57

we've only been together for a year and a half. Alright,

46:00

come on. You're fine, but I'm also 36

46:02

yuck Like

46:10

you know what I mean, yeah, yeah,

46:12

I hear ya like

46:14

it's fucking time It's

46:17

that time but I mean a lot gonna happen

46:19

in a year even after a year goes by Still

46:25

only two and a half years even if you wait another

46:27

year That's not a lot of time to get to know

46:29

somebody you got to really get to know the crust of

46:31

a motherfucker He just needs to marry me so that we

46:33

can get to know each other for

46:36

the rest of our lives Yikes,

46:38

what do you want kids? Yeah. Oh

46:41

geez, I think those eggs are scrambled

46:46

You'd be a great mom especially with that's

46:48

good eating right there That's

46:53

good, that's crazy milk gonna be

46:55

crazy for them. Yeah, that's whole

46:57

milk all natural Oh,

46:59

yeah, vegan eating, baby Okay,

47:03

so yeah, you gotta get

47:05

get going. Yeah clock's

47:07

ticking. I know you know, you know

47:09

your chance of retard goes up You

47:14

know one of them gnawing on those nips no,

47:17

I don't know I would like a Whole

47:21

whole baby a full normie.

47:23

Yeah got it. Yeah, well, hurry up.

47:26

You're gonna have a real mongoloid Okay

47:33

Godspeed It's

47:35

so nice to have you on my show again, thank

47:38

you for coming on good to be here

47:40

You're on tour right now. Where can people buy

47:42

tickets mark normancomedy.com? Well,

47:46

we still got your same old same old

47:48

red flag you don't know how to control

47:50

your bodily functions on I'll

47:54

have you back for a third date. All

47:56

right. Does it help the hurt them in

47:58

the Q anon? I

48:01

don't even know what that is. Oh great. All right

48:04

That was a joke, but no don't

48:06

research it next time Should I

48:08

do you think that I should continue wearing

48:10

sexy dresses or should I come? I think

48:13

that's the only reason that you show up.

48:15

All right, we'll keep the standard. We're getting

48:17

views. Yeah, it's not this mug Definitely

48:20

not my jokes Got

48:22

a couple of zingers in yeah, we

48:25

went tit for tit. All right

48:28

All right. Well, thank you for coming back on

48:30

everybody, you know where to find mark Norman Thank

48:33

you guys for watching this episode. We'll see you

48:35

back on our third day. Hey You