0:00

This episode is brought to you by

0:02

Bumble, so you want to find someone

0:05

you're compatible with, specifically someone who's ready

0:07

for a series connection. Totally open to

0:09

having kids in future is a tall

0:12

rock climbing libra and loves rom coms.

0:14

Would begin pizzas on Tuesdays just as

0:16

much as you do. Bumble knows that

0:18

you know exactly what's right for you.

0:21

so whatever it is you're looking for

0:23

Bumbles features can help you find it.

0:25

Date now on, Bumble. And.

0:28

What we want to do is change

0:30

the relationship to worry when where he

0:33

shows up instead of treating it like

0:35

an emergency. I want you to be

0:37

bored with it. Go ahead right now.

0:39

Practice rolling your eyes. Can you roll

0:41

your eyes, pretend that your friend is

0:43

bothering you Or your dog jersey? you're

0:45

hot dog or your little brother just

0:47

made a mess in the car again,

0:49

right? Roll your eyes. Oh

0:51

my gosh, That's how I want

0:54

you to respond to worry welcome.

0:56

To Season Six up Lester Klux with

0:58

Lin Lions were we talk about of

1:00

families, anxiety and all the big feelings

1:02

to we tackle the serious stuff without

1:04

being too serious and I'm your co

1:06

host Robin I'm Lynn sister in law

1:08

and I'm here to ask your questions

1:10

And I'm Lynn Lines. I'm an exile,

1:12

the expert speaker bomb and author and

1:14

I've been a therapist for over thirty

1:16

years. Parenting can be a fluster, clocks

1:18

and I'm here to help you find

1:21

your way. I'll give you concrete steps

1:23

to take and the words to say.

1:30

So. Lin Recently you did an

1:32

episode where you got a lot

1:34

off your chest of what you

1:36

really wish teams knew about their

1:38

mental health and I was thinking

1:41

also it's a great time for

1:43

you to also talk to the

1:45

parents and children. Who were on

1:47

the younger side And maybe it's a chance

1:50

for you to talk directly to some little

1:52

kids and parents can find this helpful. I

1:54

think people always say to you what do

1:56

I say like what's the language that I

1:58

say and I think. It's you. Sort

2:00

of get it. Still get a little tripped

2:02

up there. Yeah, so I'm gonna talk directly

2:05

to kids and parents if you're listening to

2:07

this introduction right him. Just forward to the

2:09

part. will take a break for to the

2:11

part where I'm going to introduce myself and

2:13

talk to kids about how to manage, worry

2:15

and then you'll have this as a resource.

2:17

So as you get stopped her as you're

2:19

not sure what to say was you want

2:21

your kids to listen to me saying it

2:24

rather than you trying to say at. Sears.

2:27

How I talk to kids about worry

2:29

when they're in my office. Here's how

2:31

I introduced the topic. Here's. How I

2:33

try and get them engaged make it

2:35

interesting. I'm just gonna give you

2:37

what I say, tell me the

2:39

right age and audience for this.

2:42

I would say probably starting at

2:44

age size certainly six and then

2:46

maybe up to ten or eleven.

2:48

It's interesting because so say four

2:50

to five and than up to

2:52

age ten or Eleven Definitely believes

2:54

that blank spot open through the

2:56

the tween middle schooler who's developmentally

2:59

a little trickier. Sometimes they want

3:01

to be thought of as like

3:03

high schoolers, but they're not yet.

3:05

Right? So if you have a tween,

3:07

you can have them listen to the

3:09

high school one that I get a

3:11

few weeks ago because it'll absolutely apply

3:14

to them. It is a little tricky

3:16

because when I'm using language, talking about

3:18

worry, talking about externalize in, yet talking

3:20

about how we relate to it, The

3:22

biggest push back I get his son.

3:24

those tweeners, those middle schoolers because they

3:26

don't want to be talked down to.

3:29

They. Don't want to be treated like

3:31

little kids. They are very clear

3:33

that they want to be addressed

3:35

more as adults. But. In

3:37

terms of their ability to manage things,

3:40

in terms of their development, they really

3:42

do benefit from some of the language

3:44

that I use. earlier kids. One.

3:47

Of the things you can say, parents are one

3:49

of you can do like say you're having them

3:51

listen to this, listen to the other one and

3:53

you decide which fits best for your kids. He

3:55

did say silliness talking to kids. That means from

3:57

age five all the way up to your. A.

4:00

Whatever that is. So just recognize that that she's

4:02

got a lot of ground to cover and she

4:04

may be talking in a way that is applicable

4:06

to younger kids, but the information is the same.

4:09

So you do a little preempting to say like

4:11

yeah, let's talk into a lot of ages. This

4:13

is what I do with the video to that

4:15

I have that land line sox the kids I

4:17

say look listen to this. And.

4:20

Recognize I'm covering a lot of ages.

4:23

Said. The other thing I wanted to

4:25

sort of go over with you before

4:27

this is that the work that you

4:29

offer parents and your books. A lot

4:31

of times people might come to this

4:33

because they have a child who's really

4:35

stuck in a worry pattern on a

4:38

specific type of content. like my kids

4:40

really freaked out about throwing up and

4:42

we have to design our whole lives

4:44

around the fear showing up or the

4:46

discomfort with being late, or all of

4:48

these different types of things. The.

4:50

Prevention is the same as the treatment

4:52

so give us a little bit about

4:55

that Correct. So I always say that

4:57

says things that I do in my

4:59

office when I'm working with kids that

5:01

are really struggling with anxiety or the

5:03

very same seeing as the very same

5:05

skills that I'm gonna teach for prevention.

5:08

and the same goes for depression. By

5:10

the way, the skills that we put

5:12

in place ahead of time are prevented

5:14

if I personally professionally don't think that

5:16

we talk about prevention as much as

5:18

we should because when we can. Get

5:21

ahead of this thing when we can

5:23

start using this language early on. When

5:25

we can start developing these skills, then

5:27

we're familiar with them. It's like anything,

5:29

right? If you are

5:31

dealing with your basement as it's

5:34

flooding, it's a little bit trickier

5:36

than if you prepare your basement

5:38

so it doesn't sled. So.

5:41

We wanna try and get ahead of this

5:43

thing. So this language. we don't have to

5:45

talk about it in terms of diagnosis or

5:48

pathology or I have an anxiety disorder. We

5:50

can just talk about it as worry that

5:52

is a normal part of being a human

5:54

being and it's gonna show up for everybody

5:56

and what do we do and where he

5:58

shows up? I mean. Really, What I'm trying

6:01

to teach kids? what do we do when where

6:03

he shows up? That's the message I want kids

6:05

to get. This.

6:07

Is the thing that I also

6:09

think he would like parents to

6:11

understand that you can correct me.

6:14

The average listener might say, like,

6:16

well, I've got one kid who

6:18

has more of an anxiety issue

6:20

than the other, so I'm thinking

6:23

about this for child, a child

6:25

A for anxious and isn't really

6:27

thinking about it for child be,

6:30

but instead you wish that parents

6:32

understood that anxiety impacts everybody at

6:34

different moments and that both children

6:36

are deserving. Of the prevention and

6:39

the treatment skills that are the same,

6:41

saying correct I do not need to

6:43

correct a single word that you just

6:45

said you were exactly correct. It's like

6:47

a philosophical shift because so many people

6:50

come to you because they're already like

6:52

in a bit of a pickle place.

6:54

But everybody should be listening to this

6:56

to avoid the pickles. Fake Michael job

6:58

though I talk about all the time.

7:01

She talks about mood management. He says

7:03

if you have moods. Then you

7:05

should learn how to manage them and

7:07

guess let everybody has moods. If you

7:09

have a kid with a D H

7:11

D, we can really focus on executive

7:13

functioning or figuring out how to pay

7:15

attention to time. Will you know what

7:17

a sweet kid has to learn how

7:19

to organize? Every kid has to learn

7:21

how to plan so that we show

7:24

up to something on time. so these

7:26

are really wonderful skills as reach. He

7:28

had benefits from being coached from having

7:30

good modeling about social skills and how

7:32

to connect with people and we did

7:34

that episode. A few weeks go on like ability.

7:37

When. We begin to just abroad in

7:39

our perspective on this that it's not

7:41

about. Okay, my kid has this problem

7:44

that I need to six and we

7:46

start thinking about it as much more

7:48

a universal path of moving swill being.

7:50

A kid being a teen, Being a human

7:52

being. We start equipping kids and we start

7:55

been prevented. Yes, People.

7:57

Say we should treat mental health more like physical

7:59

health and. Like, really right? Have you

8:01

looked around? We don't do prevented of

8:04

stuff for physical health very well. People

8:06

are much more reactive, our medical system

8:08

is much more reactive, and I want

8:10

the sinking to change when it comes

8:13

to things like emotions and moods and

8:15

worries and executive functioning. I want us

8:17

to get ahead of it so we're

8:20

not just dealing with it when the

8:22

basement a silly up with wire. I

8:25

also want to speak to the anxious

8:28

parents who are listening right now and

8:30

resisting the idea of letting their kids

8:32

here this because they say whether or

8:35

not showing any signs of anxiety Yeah,

8:37

and I don't wanna sell their idea

8:39

their head with ideas. Trapped.

8:41

There are people who has written to

8:44

me and said my child is very

8:46

anxious and I can't let her read

8:48

playing with anxiety The Casey books because

8:51

case he talks about som it and

8:53

I don't want to give her any

8:55

ideas or she gets worried about vomit

8:58

so that's totally tweet the ring for

9:00

her. This. Is the wrong

9:02

way to think about it. The more

9:04

we have these conversations, the more we

9:06

allow kids to step into these conversations

9:08

and learn this language the better off

9:10

they're going to be. We.

9:13

Know that anxious parents and I

9:15

know you're out there listening because

9:18

there's a lot of you. And

9:20

it's okay. Anxious parents can be

9:22

very protective about what they expose

9:24

their children to for fear of

9:27

creating ness a problem. This.

9:29

Is backwards. Them. More that

9:31

you. Keep them from

9:33

practicing the more that you

9:36

protect them from experiencing discomfort.

9:38

Or uncertainty. The more

9:40

likely it is that they're going

9:42

to develop a problem. And

9:44

we know people don't like this statistic.

9:46

but it's true everybody. if you're an

9:48

anxious parenting, you do nothing about it.

9:50

With your kids, your six to seven

9:52

times more likely to create an anxious

9:55

child. so we're trying to interrupt those

9:57

patterns. It means we gotta go against

9:59

the Euro. Are you telling you? It

10:01

means we have to push back against

10:03

that feeling that intuitive feeling of I

10:05

don't want my kid to get upset.

10:08

And do things in a different less. And

10:10

I know it feels challenging, analysis difficult,

10:12

but you gotta trust me on this

10:15

people. this is what we know works.

10:17

Civil, take a break and will we

10:19

come back? Limbs voice might change a

10:21

little because she's intentionally talking to your

10:24

kids as to. We.

10:27

Have a high agenda and our

10:30

house that every morning we each

10:32

cell up these huge water containers.

10:34

Well I mean hydrating is great

10:36

and water is sad the list.

10:38

but what if you can have

10:40

something that gives you three times

10:42

the electrolytes of the leading sport

10:44

drink plus eight vitamins and nutrients

10:46

right? I mean that just makes

10:48

you feel better every day? Liquid

10:50

I V is a really good

10:52

option for us to stay healthier,

10:54

to stay hydrated and a taste

10:56

delicious. It's a sugar free drink.

10:58

I'm really into the watermelon. I like

11:00

the lemon line. That's my say that

11:02

I have a couple in my bag

11:04

because they're so portable I can give

11:06

them to my kids as well after

11:08

soccer practice. Everyone loves the way they

11:11

taste and it makes getting hydrated easy.

11:13

Well and you know you and I

11:15

are on planes having liquid I the

11:17

as a way to stay hydrated when

11:19

you travel. it's just so convenience. I

11:22

have trouble getting in as much

11:24

water as I should and this

11:26

is just a way to make

11:28

it easier. and it's just so

11:30

much tastier. End: The things that

11:32

are in Liquidivy just make me

11:34

feel good about drinking it. However

11:36

you hydrate, grab your a liquidivy

11:38

the hydration multiplayer sticks by them

11:40

in bulk nationwide at Costco, or

11:42

get twenty percent off your first

11:44

order when you go to liquidivy.com

11:46

and use the code a fluster

11:48

at checkout that's twenty percent off

11:50

your first order when you stop.

11:52

Better hydration today using

11:55

promo code fluster at

11:57

Liquid Eyes he.com. Wouldn't

12:01

have any. you. You. Guys give a

12:03

hundred and ten percent every day. I

12:05

mean, you're running a household, you're trying

12:07

to keep things organized. She's that. kids

12:09

going in this direction. You've gotta partner

12:11

going in another direction. So what do

12:14

you need that's gonna make you beal

12:16

scene and make your life easier? Well,

12:18

we've got it is called the Skylight

12:20

Calendar. The Sky calendar is a smart

12:22

touch screen calendar and organizer for all

12:24

your chores, groceries to do, list, and

12:27

a great way to manage appointments to

12:29

make sure that they never overlap and

12:31

that they're never. Mess. It helps keep

12:33

busy households on track and everyone on

12:35

the same page so families get their

12:37

time back for moments that matter. This

12:39

has got features in it that make

12:41

it. Intriguing. And interesting

12:43

and dare I say fun for kids

12:46

to learn how to manage their time

12:48

and to communicate with other people about

12:50

schedules. as it for kids love checking

12:53

off their chores, watching their progress. Bar

12:55

update and you can get on the

12:57

go access to everything with Skylight Calendars

12:59

mobile app. Yeah, and when the counters

13:02

not in use it turns into a

13:04

digital picture frame. It's a hundred percent

13:06

satisfaction guaranteed. If you don't love the

13:09

Skylight calendar single, receive a full recent

13:11

one hundred and twenty. Day Money

13:13

Back guarantee free returns as

13:15

a special limited time offer

13:17

for our listeners. Get fifteen

13:20

percent off your purchase of

13:22

a Skylight Calendar. Get fifteen

13:24

percent off your purchase of

13:26

a Skylight calendar when you

13:28

go to skylikehow.com/fluster Clocks. That's.

13:31

skylithtchl.com/fluster Clocks Mother's Day

13:33

is coming right up,

13:36

so order today and

13:38

get fifteen percent off

13:40

your purchase at Sky

13:42

cow.com/fluster Klux. Obviously I

13:45

am a big proponent

13:47

of dealing with problems,

13:49

getting the help you

13:51

need, figuring out solutions,

13:54

being able to go

13:56

to somebody. Who. Is

13:58

a professional who's trained. Who's licensed,

14:00

Who can give you to help you in

14:02

your family need? Cel. Try

14:04

talk space. By. doing everything

14:06

online. Talk. Space has made

14:09

getting to help you want accessible,

14:11

easy, and affordable. With talk space, you

14:13

can sign up online and get

14:15

a personalized match with a provider that's

14:17

right for you typically within forty eight

14:20

hours. It's incredibly convenient to have virtual

14:22

sessions with your licensed therapist from

14:24

your home, your car, your office. There's

14:26

no need to commute to appointments and

14:29

you don't have to line up

14:31

childcare and order to attend your sessions

14:33

to. This really is mental health care

14:35

made Easy is secure and private. They're

14:38

using the latest end to

14:40

end bank grade encryption, which

14:42

just means that your privacy

14:44

is protected and that they

14:46

comply with the latest hip

14:48

regulations. Talkspaces also in network

14:50

with most major insurers and

14:52

as a listener of this

14:54

podcast, you'll get eighty dollars

14:56

off your first month with

14:59

Talkspace when you go to

15:01

talkspace.com/fluster. So. To match

15:03

with a licensed therapist

15:05

today, go to talkspace.com/fluster

15:07

to get eighty dollars

15:10

off your first month.

15:12

That's talkspace.com/fluster. We're

15:21

back. Everybody My name is Lynn.

15:24

Lynn Lions isn't a full name

15:26

and I help parents with kids

15:28

that worry and one of the

15:31

things that I'm very very committed

15:33

to. His teaching kids about how

15:35

where he works. And. I will

15:37

tell you that a lotta kids don't know

15:39

how worry works, but it's really really helpful.

15:42

Let me tell you a little bit about

15:44

your brain. So and if you're sitting here listening,

15:46

you've got a brain. You do. And all

15:48

these parts said I'm about to talk about,

15:50

you've got them, I guarantee it. Worry.

15:53

Is something that happens to everybody

15:55

because when worry show is that

15:58

where he says. That

16:00

you know everything. I wouldn't know exactly what's gonna

16:02

happen. I want to feel comfortable. So

16:04

whenever we step into something new of

16:07

course some where he is going to

16:09

show up because if it's a new

16:11

thing. If it's something you'd ever

16:13

done before, If it's something that is

16:15

maybe a little scary for you because

16:18

you've never done it before, A if

16:20

you are part of your brain is

16:22

right there to say oh, know about

16:24

this could be scary. Say.

16:27

You're going to swimming lessons for the first

16:29

time? Say you ask? go to the dentist.

16:31

Maybe you've got a cavity and you never

16:33

had a cavity before? Maybe. You're

16:35

just starting a new grade in school

16:38

or even changing schools where he is

16:40

right there to say what we've loves

16:42

to say. I have to

16:44

know everything. I have to know every

16:47

detail. I have to feel completely comfortable

16:49

with this or where he says i

16:51

now I'm out. And one

16:53

of the things that happen sometimes is

16:56

if you get upset. But.

16:58

Is okay if you get upset. If

17:00

you get upset because you're worry shows

17:02

up and tells you you can't handle

17:05

something sometimes. Families. Begin

17:07

to avoid is as things that make

17:09

you worry. A

17:11

long time ago I met a little

17:13

girl. She was probably about eight. She

17:15

was really afraid. Of dogs.

17:18

And she was really afraid

17:20

of Bumble bees. Those. Are the

17:22

two things that she worried about the most.

17:24

Her family worked very, very hard to make

17:26

sure that she never saw any dogs and

17:28

she never saw any bumble bees. Which meant

17:31

that in the summer time it was really

17:33

hard to go to a park. It was

17:35

really hard to walk out her front door

17:37

because he had these beautiful bush's that had

17:40

beautiful flowers. And of course the bees love

17:42

the flowers because that's what bees do to

17:44

make honey. What we

17:46

had to do is we had

17:49

to help her manage her worry,

17:51

not help or avoid dogs. Not

17:53

help or avoid Bumble Bees but

17:55

help her manager worry. Everybody

17:58

has a worry parts it lives. In

18:00

a part of your brain cause you prefrontal

18:02

cortex. If you're listening to the as if

18:04

you were to put your hand over your

18:06

forehead you would be putting your hand near

18:09

your prefrontal cortex. This is where you think.

18:11

This is where you learn. If.

18:14

I ask you what two plus two is. Do

18:17

you know it is for. You just

18:19

used to prefrontal cortex If I ask

18:21

you, if you're a little older and

18:23

I ask you what? Seven Time? Seven?

18:25

His Dna did you say Forty nine?

18:28

You just use your prefrontal cortex if

18:30

I ask you. What day

18:32

it is right now what days? a

18:34

week? and you tell me. You

18:37

know, good If I ask you

18:39

what day it will be the

18:41

day after tomorrow. You.

18:43

Just use your prefrontal cortex. This is

18:45

where you see. This is where you

18:47

imagine. This is where you come up

18:50

with amazing ideas if you're building Legos,

18:52

or if you're creating a project with

18:54

your fifth grade class. It's a wonderful

18:56

part of your brain. But. Because

18:59

it can imagine. Worry

19:01

likes to grab onto that

19:03

imagination. And tell you big scary sewing.

19:06

Worry. Generally says something like this:

19:08

you can handle it. That's a dog. Oh

19:11

my gosh, what's gonna happen that's a bumblebee?

19:13

What if I get stung? Is

19:15

going to be a thunderstorm? That's dangerous? What?

19:17

If somebody looks at me wrong, What if

19:19

I'm starting my new school and I can't

19:22

find the classroom? What is my tummy hurts?

19:24

What if I can't find the bathroom where

19:26

he loves to make you think about things.

19:29

And situations. That. Make

19:31

you feel uncomfortable, So.

19:33

What are we gonna do about that? Remember

19:36

where. He wants you to know everything. Worry.

19:38

Might say. I'm not going

19:40

go to that new school unless I can

19:43

know exactly what's gonna happen every minute of

19:45

every day. Ah, that's really impossible When I

19:47

want you to say to your worry is

19:49

you know what? Worry. I. Get

19:52

it that you want to know? Everything I

19:54

get is that you want to be comfortable

19:56

all the time. But because I'm growing, because

19:58

I'm learning, because I want to. The new

20:00

experiences: Because I want to have friends,

20:02

because I want to play soccer, because

20:04

I want to go to third grade.

20:07

I am going to step into situations

20:09

even if I don't know exactly what's

20:11

gonna happen. Most of the time we

20:13

know some of the things. You

20:15

know where you gonna go to school? Maybe know the name

20:17

of your teacher? But. It's impossible to

20:20

know exactly what's gonna happen all

20:22

the time. So. What are we

20:24

gonna do with in a pool that worry out. By.

20:26

Just. We're just gonna pull it night

20:28

out and we're going to give it a name.

20:30

My name for my worry is he does apple.

20:33

And I was kind of silly. I don't even know how I came up with

20:35

it. He. To esl. You. May name

20:37

your worry Joe. You may name it Sally

20:39

made you, name it peanut butter. I don't

20:42

care. Whatever you want to name your worry,

20:44

you go ahead. You can draw a picture

20:46

of it. Or you can talk to your

20:48

mom or dad about what you think you're

20:50

where he looks like. And

20:53

what we want to do is

20:55

when worry shows. I remember no

20:57

matter what you worry about is

20:59

different. Kids worry about different things

21:01

and everybody has worries no matter

21:03

what you worry about. Worries.

21:05

Gonna say do you can handle it does

21:08

is too much. the we have to know

21:10

everything and when I want you to start

21:12

practicing doing is saying oh hello worry. Let's

21:16

say you named your worry Sally. Oh hello

21:18

Sally! I knew you were gonna

21:20

show up. Why do we know Sally

21:22

was gonna show up? Because you're stepping

21:24

into something new because you can't know

21:27

exactly what's gonna happen and because you're

21:29

where he likes to take things and

21:31

make some. Into an emergency

21:33

even if it's not. And

21:36

when you're worried, turn something into an

21:38

emergency. It gets your body going because

21:41

your body acts as if it's an

21:43

emergency, which is a great thing for

21:45

your body to be able to do.

21:48

But. Not when you're stepping

21:50

into things like a new

21:52

school or swimming lessons. All.

21:56

Of those things are normal parts of

21:58

lice. And were. The can

22:00

tell below a map. Where.

22:02

He tends to take your imagination

22:05

and then with it. What?

22:08

Do we do? We. Give our where your

22:10

name when where he shows up we say a

22:12

high worry. nice to see you. We don't

22:14

have to argue with worry, we don't have to

22:16

say to worry. worry fees are fine. We don't

22:18

have to say to worry off my dentist is

22:21

really nice or it's gonna be okay or

22:23

maybe I don't have a cavity. We don't have

22:25

to say any of that. You. Can

22:27

if you want but you don't steal

22:29

When I do want you to say

22:31

is high worry. You're. Kind of

22:33

boring. This is what you

22:35

do. This is how you get

22:38

me going. And. Then. I

22:40

want you. To keep

22:43

moving forward. And.

22:45

Practice doing. They're saying that where

22:47

he tells you can't do. Now

22:50

here's the reality of it. as you're doing

22:52

this new thing. You might

22:54

feel uncomfortable. Maybe or Tommy will hurt

22:56

a little bit. Maybe or stance will

22:58

see a little shaky. Maybe. You

23:01

won't feel so great about trying

23:03

this new thing. That's.

23:05

Okay, because the problem with worry

23:07

is it doesn't care whether

23:09

or not you do new things.

23:12

It doesn't care if you learn to swim. It doesn't

23:14

care if you go upstairs your bedroom by yourself. It

23:16

doesn't care if you have fun with your friends at

23:18

a birthday party. It doesn't care. And

23:21

the more you do things. Even

23:23

when where he says you can do

23:25

it. The more your

23:28

brain learns that you can

23:30

handle it. Now

23:33

is a mistake. Sometimes cyclone us make.

23:36

Let. Me Tell you when it is grown

23:38

ups think that if they can just

23:40

give you all the information, if they

23:42

can, We assure you if they can

23:44

tell you a thousand times that everything

23:46

is fine. Then worry we'll be

23:48

quiet. Snatch room. You. Have

23:51

to talk to worry you can't get rid of it.

23:54

Times kids will say i'm gonna take my worry and

23:56

I'm gonna bury in the backyard or under the take

23:58

my worry and and been us. Send it to the

24:00

moon. And. then where he comes back and

24:02

they'll say to me well. I talked to

24:04

my worry and it came back. So I guess this

24:07

doesn't work. Where. He is going to

24:09

come back. It's a part of you. It's a

24:11

normal part of you. When. Worry comes

24:13

back we say ah you're back again.

24:15

Nice to see you. I'm not surprised

24:17

that where he has shown up. Why

24:19

Fisher doing something new? You're learning something

24:21

new. You're stepping into a situation that

24:24

may be feels a little tricky. So.

24:27

Mom, Dad, Grandma, Aunt Sally As

24:29

you're listening, I want you to

24:31

hear a loud and clear. That

24:34

it's okay if worry shows up and

24:36

what we wanna do. Is change

24:38

the relationship to worry when

24:40

where. He shows up instead of treating

24:42

it like an emergency. I want you to

24:45

be bored with it. Go.

24:47

Ahead right now. Practice rolling your eyes.

24:49

Can you roll your eyes? Ah, pretend

24:51

that your friend is bothering. You or

24:53

your dog to say you're hot dog

24:55

or your little brother just made a

24:57

mess in the car again. Roll.

25:00

Your eyes! Oh my gosh, That's.

25:03

How I want you to respond to worry. And

25:05

you can practice this. Say.

25:08

For example, you are going

25:10

to start. Swimming lessons or you're starting

25:13

a new grade in school. It's. Really

25:15

helpful. With. Your parents with

25:17

whoever loves you for you guys to

25:19

practices so we poll worry out. Here's

25:21

what it sounds like. We pull

25:23

were yeah this is a we need to worry

25:25

Frank might pull worry out. Hi Frank, nice

25:28

to see you Frank. I'm gonna go

25:30

to school. Or. On the go

25:32

swimming lessons or I'm gonna go to the

25:34

dentist and I know you're going to show

25:36

up Frank And I know you're going to

25:39

say do you can handle it Frank years

25:41

the saying you're not in charge of me,

25:43

you're not in charge of my family and

25:45

I can handle not knowing everything And in

25:48

fact, I'm learning to do something pretty interesting.

25:50

It's called rolling around in the mites and

25:52

maybe some life. So.

25:55

The more you practice

25:57

managing, worry, managing so.

26:00

The and Managing Sally Managing

26:02

Edith Asshole the more you

26:04

practice handling it. The. More

26:06

your body learns the more

26:09

your brain learns that your

26:11

capable. That. You

26:13

can do things even.

26:16

When where he tells you you can't. Worry is

26:18

gonna show up. We. All have worry,

26:20

how are you going to handle it, How

26:22

are you gonna practice handling it And how

26:25

are you going to let worry know that

26:27

it is not in. Charge of you.

26:29

It is not in charge.

26:31

Of you. So. Very important piece

26:34

of information. To has. If

26:37

your body reacts to worry, if you

26:39

feel like you have a tummy ache,

26:42

if you feel little shaky, maybe your

26:44

heart is pounding a little bit. That's

26:46

normal to sometimes before we stepped into

26:48

something new. maybe. Ah, we take a

26:50

few brass to let our body know

26:52

that were good. Maybe we went around.

26:54

we use Epsom energy so maybe before

26:57

you go to the dentist this is

26:59

gonna sound weird. Everybody before you go

27:01

to the dentist do twenty jumping jacks

27:03

in the parking lot. About that. Before.

27:06

You walk out the door. If you're afraid of

27:08

bumble bees, why do we want your house five

27:10

times? Then walk out the door. It

27:12

is okay for you to use his

27:15

energy and feel this energy. Mom.

27:18

Dad. Grandma. Or Grandpa,

27:20

whoever is listening, I want

27:22

you to recognize this is

27:24

not about the content I

27:26

don't care if the worried

27:28

is about dogs. Bumble Bees

27:30

Or the Dentist or school. The.

27:33

Goal is for everyone in

27:35

the family to respond. This

27:38

is not an emergency. This

27:41

is boring. This. Is repaired

27:43

it is. This is persistent.

27:46

And practice practice practice.

27:48

We are grown ups,

27:51

literally laying. Down new pathways

27:53

in the brain, So. You're gonna

27:55

model. You're. Going to pull your

27:57

own worry out. Give a name, let your kids.

28:00

Call you out on the worry when it

28:02

happens and the more you do it together,

28:04

the more you make it playful, the more

28:06

you practice. The. Easier. this

28:08

gets. Every kid

28:11

has worry. Every kid

28:13

has worry every grown up as worry.

28:15

The. Goal is to learn how to step

28:17

in to life even if some worry comes

28:20

along. Are a good

28:22

luck. Have fun practicing. You can even go

28:24

on Facebook group and you can let me

28:26

know how it goes. I love to see

28:29

pictures of worry. I love desir the stories

28:31

about how kids handle their worry. I love

28:33

love love to hear what kids do when

28:35

where he shows up. to that about get

28:38

rid of it. It's. About learning

28:40

how to manage it. Okay,

28:44

So we're going to take a break right now.

28:46

Thanks for listening everybody And when we combat rather

28:48

than I gonna just talk a little bit to

28:50

the grown ups about what to do, the do's

28:53

and don'ts and to give you some additional tips.

28:58

This. Message is sponsored by Greenlight. When

29:00

you're a parent, you'll have your fair

29:03

share of big talks with your kids.

29:05

And one of those big talks should

29:07

involve money and Greenlight can help with

29:09

that. Are actually was just talking to

29:11

a family that I work with Any

29:14

started using the Greenlight card for their

29:16

middle schooler. It is sad us they

29:18

are finding it so convenient and it's

29:20

such a great way to have conversations

29:23

about saving and spending and earning. It

29:25

really increases financial literacy and independence and

29:27

you know I'm all about independence. You

29:29

can see your kids instant money

29:32

transfers, get real time notifications of

29:34

spending, they can manage their chores,

29:36

and you can automate allowance. Millions

29:39

of parents and kids is Green

29:41

Light to learn how to make

29:43

responsible financial choices, to stop putting

29:45

off the money talks and start

29:48

putting your kids on the right

29:50

path. Sign up for Greenlight Today

29:52

and get your first month free

29:55

at greenlight.com/fluster That's greenlight.com/fluster to tried

29:57

Green Light for Free Greenlight. Dot

29:59

Com Flash Fluster. I love learning

30:02

new things and I love searing

30:04

some people who are just great

30:06

at what they do. For example,

30:09

there is a masterclass with the

30:11

Stair Prowl. She is in my

30:14

field. She's an expert in relationships

30:16

in communication. Watching her masterclass is

30:18

just like a treat to learn

30:21

some people who are so good

30:23

at what they do. I love

30:25

that Astaire Prowl as really only

30:28

one of many incredible masterclass instructors.

30:30

At It's really some of the

30:32

best screen time we can have

30:34

as adults. The videos are so

30:37

engaging. You can learn cooking, you

30:39

can learn humor writing from David

30:41

Sudairis. You can learn tennis from

30:43

Serene A Williams. I mean, these

30:45

lists of classes are just amazing

30:47

to choose some easy to learn

30:49

from, the world's best. With Masterclass,

30:51

you get unlimited access to intimate

30:53

one on one classes and they're

30:55

over two hundred classes to pick

30:57

from with new classes added every

30:59

month. Plus every new membership comes

31:01

with a thirty. Day money back

31:03

guarantee. There is no risk

31:05

so. Right now, our

31:08

listeners will get an

31:10

additional fifteen percent off

31:13

an annual membership at

31:15

masterclass.com/fluster Get fifteen percent

31:17

off right now at

31:20

masterclass.com/fluster That's Masterclass dot

31:22

com/Fluster. Live.

31:31

I think that you reference this with

31:33

the eye rolling. I think that this

31:35

can't be repeat as enough that you

31:37

talked about being and know aid and

31:40

bored by worry when it shows up.

31:42

This doesn't work for the kids. But

31:44

for the grown ups who are of a certain

31:46

age, It's absolutely that side salt

31:48

reaction. Hello Newman is exactly you

31:50

know what I'm always trying to

31:52

can say is that worries job

31:54

is to promote something to an

31:57

emergency but I see if it

31:59

had a t shirts if is

32:01

an emergency. And. That's

32:03

why we get those physical symptoms

32:05

because the body responds as if

32:07

it's an emergency. So we're changing

32:09

our response to it. Were teaching

32:12

our kids to change their response

32:14

to it because some more that

32:16

kids learn, they can handle the

32:18

discomfort. It's okay if your heart

32:20

goes up a little bit. It's okay if you're

32:22

nervous when you're going to the dentist. The

32:25

more we take it out of emergency

32:27

and put it in the category of

32:29

this is okay because it's what brains

32:31

and bodies do. The more kids will

32:34

step in, the more we normalize it.

32:36

That's one of my big beasts right

32:38

now is at least pathologize. A lot

32:40

of normal human reactions and so kids

32:42

get anxious about being anxious. Parents get

32:45

worried that their kids are going to

32:47

be worried. We just got a marinate

32:49

our kids in this practice practice practice.

32:52

The. Other thing that you talk

32:55

about is a serious factor how

32:57

anxiety once and emergency. And

32:59

that goes to adults to certain.

33:02

Think about the last time there

33:04

was something about your child that

33:06

you were really worried about that

33:09

you shared with someone A when

33:11

they didn't respond with the scene

33:13

emergency concern or tone and told

33:16

you like to worry about it,

33:18

You got a new way to

33:20

because anxiety when things really serious

33:23

and really emergency lights, right? So

33:25

that's how grown ups also fall

33:27

into that pattern, right? It's

33:29

is helpful when we see it in. our

33:32

kids were also seeing it and ourselves. Yeah,

33:34

and one of the things that I think

33:36

I've talked about a lot but just bears

33:38

repeating as you're listening to this with your

33:40

kids is that it's very easy to get

33:42

caught up in that pattern of content based

33:45

reassurance. So your child is afraid of bumble

33:47

bees, so you go with way into this.

33:49

accept bumble bees you know are afraid of

33:51

you and if they sting you, it doesn't

33:53

hurt buffalo. Love. You. Can do that

33:56

once. Fights or the way I say you give

33:58

him a little reassurance. Just. You

34:00

know how the world works to say like look within a

34:02

walk out the front door We know the or Bumble Bees.

34:04

They. Really don't want to sting you. Worry.

34:07

Is gonna convince you that this is an

34:10

emergency. We are going to

34:12

not let worry be in charge. so you

34:14

throw in a little bit of that reassurance

34:16

and then you move forward. What?

34:18

Happens often times with kids that are worried

34:21

is that the parents feel like their job

34:23

is to repeat over and over and over

34:25

and over again. Everything's gonna be fine to

34:27

be there in his skin you. There's no

34:29

such thing as vampires sunder storms that you

34:31

know, whatever you say. So. You can

34:33

drop it in once. And then

34:35

you really want to focus

34:37

on what worry does not

34:39

focus on providing continual reassurance

34:41

about the content of what

34:43

the worry is. Because that's

34:45

where we get caught up in this idea that in

34:48

order for a child to move forward, they have to

34:50

just. Keep getting more and more and more and

34:52

more information. I

34:54

see this all the time I seat

34:56

in schools. He's got a child who

34:58

worries about something and all the adults

35:01

are they are to consume. You really

35:03

tell the child it's okay. it's okay.

35:05

It's okay. It's okay. And. The worry

35:07

is there to say. see? this must be bad because

35:09

look these adults are talking about it all the time.

35:12

The. Bottom line is this is about

35:14

changing the relationship to worry when

35:17

it shows up. Period.

35:20

Common. Phrases that parents use that you've

35:22

talked about a lot on one extreme would

35:24

be: I will never let anything happen to.

35:26

You don't worry, zoo Night on

35:28

the other extreme. What's. The

35:30

worst that could happen he has. Neither

35:33

of these are helping children recognize that

35:35

they're having trouble with what is uncertain

35:37

or uncomfortable. That's because we're trying to

35:39

say like oh, either this is terrible

35:42

i can't let you experiences or that's

35:44

a bad Why do we care? The

35:46

sweet spot in the middle is really

35:49

really big. It's a really big sweet

35:51

spot and you got his parents. You

35:53

just want be like oh here comes

35:56

where again. One. Important

35:58

thing to say. Your do this with your child

36:00

or a you try and do this at your

36:02

child and your child is like I am not

36:04

doing this. This is stupid. I'm not going to

36:07

give my worry and name. You know that's dumb

36:09

or a child that says this worry is really

36:11

a part of mean you're telling me that it's

36:13

not a part of me. Here's how we get

36:15

around that. You. Can say to kids

36:18

particularly as they get closer to tween

36:20

years you can say look we are

36:22

talking about this in a way. That.

36:24

Allows you. To.

36:27

Learn about different parts of yourself so

36:29

I know this is a part. Of

36:31

you you worry is a part of you

36:33

but if we can step back kind of

36:35

make it again and be able. To

36:37

observe this worry. This.

36:39

Is a really helpful way and Linda's

36:42

it with adults to which is to

36:44

I do. If you've got a little

36:46

kid so say you come up with

36:48

this new name. The worries: Jeremy or

36:50

whatever they're gonna think it's fun for

36:53

a few days, then they're going to

36:55

be worried about something and they are

36:57

looking for you to either remove them

36:59

from the situation, let them get out

37:01

of the situation, or offer that content

37:04

based reassurance. When you change your pattern,

37:06

parents, there's gonna be pushback called an

37:08

extinction burst. There's. Gonna be pushed back

37:10

so it may go great for a

37:12

few days but then your child. says.

37:16

Anymore. For

37:19

it's listening. To that lady

37:21

that you made me listen to this

37:23

is so know that it's very likely

37:25

that that's gonna happen and that's okay.

37:28

Take a little break. And say

37:30

I can see that you're getting worried

37:32

right? Now so I'm gonna stick with this.

37:34

Then you can do a role play and

37:36

what you can say to your child when

37:38

they're pissed off at it. Is it? Okay,

37:40

I get it. You don't wanna talk to

37:43

Jeremy right now. I'm gonna talk to Jeremy.

37:45

So you pulled yeah me out you say?

37:47

Listen Jeremy, you been Boston around my kid.

37:49

And you been telling Matthew that See

37:51

can't fill in the blanks. He can't

37:54

go up the stairs by himself. are

37:56

see can go to school. I am

37:58

tired of you Jeremy showing. And.

38:00

Making everybody thinks this is an emergency and you

38:02

can even say to Jeremy Hazard member your kids

38:05

listening to all this that don't go and talk

38:07

to Jam in a separate will do it for

38:09

New York. Yeah, that's the point. Yeah and you

38:11

can say much. I used to get sucked into.

38:14

What you were doing to And in

38:16

fact I have a report myself. My

38:18

worry part is named Irene and. When

38:20

worry shows up, it is easy for kids

38:22

an easy for parents to get sucked in

38:24

and. I'm not doing it cause my

38:26

kid it's is really really great as

38:29

figuring things out and I'm going to

38:31

support him and I'm going to help

38:33

him and I'm not putting you in

38:35

charge. So. You can have

38:37

a word with the worry part. give the

38:39

worry party talking to and that's why it's

38:41

helpful to pull the sing out because it

38:44

allows you to talk to the worry in

38:46

a way where you're not admonishing your child,

38:48

you not lecturing your child, you're just given

38:50

the worry a piece of your mind. Very,

38:53

very effective. And kids like. One

38:57

of the things that I talk about a lot is I

38:59

use those three. Axes. So we're

39:01

going to expect where he does show up.

39:03

We're going to externalize. It And we're

39:05

going to experiment. So we're going

39:07

to experiment. Do mean. Things

39:10

that worried as he did you. Now

39:12

here's one question that I get a

39:14

lot. What? Yes, the same

39:16

your child is afraid of isn't something

39:19

that you can experiment with. What if

39:21

your child is worrying about gas? What

39:23

if your child is worrying about a

39:25

car accident? What if your child is

39:28

worried about you know, getting cancer? We.

39:30

Can't practice that? This is where

39:32

the content doesn't matter. So.

39:35

When the worry shows up if your child

39:37

is asking a lot of questions or if

39:39

you child is getting stuck in his thinking

39:41

about this and worrying about this are you

39:43

have to say is okay so it sounds

39:45

like where he is showing up and really

39:47

helping you get stuck. In imagining

39:49

these things. That's.

39:52

Okay, let's just have a little conversation

39:54

with worry we say hi Jeremy I know

39:56

you want me to think the scary

39:58

things. That's what you do. I'm actually

40:00

gonna go and live my life. So.

40:02

Then go read a book, go play

40:05

Legos, go start making dinner. You.

40:07

Don't have to get into the

40:09

content of it. And when

40:12

we're talking about the experimenting.

40:14

In. A situation in which. We. Can't

40:16

really practice the saying right? If your kid is

40:19

afraid of kidnapping, we're not going to stage a

40:21

kidnapping and they'd be like see, we got you

40:23

under the Trump get all worked out when not

40:25

going to do that. The experimenting. Is you

40:27

cracked? Guess talking to

40:29

worry and then moving

40:31

forward? As a little

40:34

bit your friend, if we've got a

40:36

concrete same weekend practice getting your dogs,

40:38

we can practice going to swimming lessons,

40:40

but if it's a big thing like

40:42

that, we can practice acknowledging the worry,

40:44

saying hello nice to see you that's

40:46

normal and then moving forward into whatever

40:48

activity or whatever and life is presenting

40:51

at that moment. That see. Experimentation.

40:55

I would suggest that listeners who are

40:57

really trying to grasp this go back

40:59

and listen to a couple of specific

41:02

things, one that the playlist that we

41:04

have a spot of fi with the

41:06

series of the seven Anxiety Disruptors which

41:09

has taken directly from your book anxious

41:11

kids, anxious parents And then we also

41:13

have another episode specifically about not falling

41:15

into the trap of what you're calling

41:18

content based reassurance scan parents spend a

41:20

lot of time. Wasting. It

41:22

to be honest. Not. Getting the

41:24

fact that it's not about the content,

41:27

it's about the patterns. So. The

41:29

sooner you can differentiate between the

41:31

two and your language, the easier.

41:33

This is right. The relationship we

41:36

wanted changes the relationship to worry,

41:38

not the relationship Two dogs, Not

41:40

the relationship to be is not

41:43

the relationship to the swimming teacher.

41:45

So. When you look at that big picture and

41:48

I get it, this is a hard concept.

41:50

For people because our instinct.

41:52

Is to go in and change whatever

41:54

it is that your child is worried

41:56

about. I've got bigger fish to fry

41:58

here. I'm going after the. Harder.

42:01

Because the time can't then really matter

42:03

to me and the pattern is really

42:05

where we can make some great progress

42:07

because the kind of just jumps around

42:09

she'll play. If you don't work on

42:11

the patterns, the content will change and

42:14

your child will be worried about a

42:16

new thing coming down the line. I

42:18

have a great example of i get

42:20

a taxi other night and there were

42:22

a lot of educators there and a

42:24

woman emailed. Me yesterday. She's a

42:27

teacher and. She said when you

42:29

talk about how the content just

42:31

jumps around and how changing the

42:33

contents really makes the problem worse

42:35

She said in her school kids

42:37

were getting really anxious when teachers

42:39

were using the color red the

42:41

to do corrections on their papers

42:43

so the school decided that now

42:46

they were going to use the

42:48

color purple instead of the color

42:50

red to make that fixes. Guess.

42:52

What happened? They started getting anxious

42:54

about the color purple because they

42:57

all figured out that purple with

42:59

now the correct in color. So

43:01

now they've changed it again. And

43:04

they can only use the color

43:06

green to. Make corrections on kids

43:08

papers. This is bonkers people. This

43:10

is nuts. This is Not going

43:13

to work. They're. Gonna go

43:15

smooth the whole color wheel because

43:17

kids are worried about getting their

43:19

papers corrected and all they're doing

43:21

is connecting the color. So that's

43:23

a very good example of thinking

43:25

that changing the can't and it's

43:27

with the problems changing the color

43:29

gets rid of the worry. What's

43:31

the skill we want to teach

43:33

be ability to tolerate being corrected

43:35

being corrected? That that's

43:38

how you learn. Very,

43:40

very good example of how we get

43:42

caught up in the content. We want

43:44

to talk about, how to we manage

43:47

discomfort and manage uncertainty, Not how do

43:49

we? We arrange the world to make

43:51

sure that everything goes. As planned. Thanks

43:55

for listening and if you found this

43:57

helpful, please give us a fight with

43:59

you on Apple. And help

44:01

other people and this information and if you

44:03

try to the deeper. On any of these

44:05

topics we have specialized playlist honor spot

44:07

of high profile and the linked as

44:09

in the show notes topics like teams

44:11

oppression and O C D buying land

44:13

by that and. Will.

44:18

He: they're busy mama. Are you looking

44:20

for ways to make your life easier? You're

44:23

home chaotic and at the same time add

44:25

more joy to realize. My

44:27

name is the any gates and and a

44:29

host of a wannabe clutter free apart just

44:31

all about letting go of the stuff we

44:34

don't even our lives that we can focus

44:36

on what truly matters. Don't worry,

44:38

I'm not going to tell you to throw it

44:40

all away or make you feel guilty about keeping

44:43

something you love no matter how many other people

44:45

don't quite understand it. But I

44:47

will give you practical and more importantly

44:49

actionable advice so that you can make

44:51

progress right away and you want to

44:53

tear it for me. There are amazing

44:55

guess to. It's like having your best

44:57

the in your pocket telling you it's

44:59

okay to let go of the things

45:01

that are not serving you in your

45:03

family in a totally non judgmental wait.

45:06

So join me around the podcast where we

45:08

can work on progress. Over perfect sense for

45:10

those of us that wannabe. Clutter free.