0:05

We have a counseling team here at Focus

0:08

on the Family and I know one of

0:10

the common questions they get has to do

0:12

with marital intimacy like how frequently should we

0:14

be having sex? There's no formula but

0:16

we're going to talk a little bit more about that today.

0:19

I'm John Fuller along with Greg Smalley and his

0:21

wife Erin. They lead the Focus Marriage Team. They

0:23

both have resumes that include

0:25

a lot of education, a lot of

0:28

work with couples. And Erin,

0:30

I'm sure that as you've had couples in your

0:32

office, you've had to deal with this,

0:35

we'll call it a disparity in sexual

0:38

frequency. Often

0:40

couples come in and one

0:42

will be desiring more sex than

0:44

the other one and it's

0:47

interesting because over the years, helping

0:50

individuals to dig in to

0:53

what is it that sex

0:55

means to me? Does

0:57

it bring connection? Is

0:59

this the way that I feel most

1:02

connected and I'm desiring connection? Sometimes

1:05

what I've seen couples will have

1:07

sex instead of having a good

1:09

conversation. And as we know, both are

1:11

necessary. I was going to say, what's the problem

1:14

with that, right? Both are needed but if

1:16

they're using sex only to connect

1:19

and they're not working through their issues or challenges,

1:21

well, that becomes a problem. Marriage involves

1:23

so much more than just the physical, doesn't

1:25

it? Yes. And so

1:27

really where we land is both people

1:29

have to matter and both desires have

1:31

to matter. And if

1:33

one has a very high desire for sex and

1:36

the other one has a very low, well, A,

1:38

exploring what's going on, but then figuring out

1:41

what works for both of us because we

1:43

both matter here. Yeah.

1:45

Well, we're going to hear now from Shanti

1:47

Feldhan and Jim Daley, Focus President Jim Daley

1:49

along with Dr. Michael Seitzma. Shanti

1:53

and Michael did some research and they have

1:55

some really good insights that I think are

1:57

going to be helpful to you. Shanti, that

1:59

I did. of initiation or

2:01

frequency, if we can call it

2:03

that. I mean, that kind

2:05

of is the big question that if

2:08

you are talking to somebody else, and

2:10

certainly in counseling, Dr. Mike, you've seen

2:12

that. People don't know because

2:15

we're not openly discussing this. What, you know,

2:17

how often are you having sex with your spouse? It

2:19

just, you know, rightfully doesn't come up. You don't have

2:21

a conversation, yeah. So you don't know if once

2:24

a week is normal, twice a week is

2:26

normal, once a month. I mean, people, it's

2:29

a variety of expression. So how

2:31

have you heard that question and how do you address

2:33

it? You know, it's interesting. The

2:36

easiest sort of way of catching somebody's

2:38

attention when you're talking about this and

2:40

helping them feel like, oh, wow, we

2:43

are kind of normal, is

2:45

to say that 79% of couples have disagreements

2:48

about frequency, right? So it's high octane, 79%.

2:52

Yeah. Eight in 10

2:54

couples, there is a mismatch. And

2:57

that right there says, okay, that's

2:59

a simple issue, so to speak,

3:01

in quotes. And yet it

3:04

can cuddle. It's normal. It's normal. It's

3:06

normal. But it can cause a lot of emotional

3:08

pain because of what Dr. Mike was saying is

3:10

like, why don't you want me? Why

3:13

aren't you interested? Why aren't you like me? Why

3:15

aren't you like me? And that is what you don't realize

3:17

that you're asking. And so one

3:19

of the things we always encourage people to

3:21

sort of be aware of is that

3:24

you don't realize that both of you,

3:26

both the husband and the wife, and

3:29

again, let's be stereotypical about this. It

3:31

could be flipped, right? But

3:33

both the husband and the wife are believing

3:36

a Hollywood myth that

3:38

they don't realize that they even have in their head, which

3:41

is that everything you've seen on television or

3:43

the movies, which is really the only thing

3:46

you see other than your own relationship. So

3:48

you think it just is that the guy

3:51

and the girl look at each other and

3:53

they both have that spark, that hunger, and

3:55

pretty soon the clothes are off and they're in bed. And

3:58

you think that's the way it's just supposed to be. to

4:00

work and so if it doesn't, if

4:03

that's not how I feel, something's wrong

4:05

with me, I'm broken. Yeah. And

4:08

that's the encouragement to people is

4:10

recognize, okay, there's just maybe a

4:12

small percentage of chance that there

4:14

is something amiss, you know, medical

4:16

issue or whatever, but usually that

4:18

79% of couples that

4:20

are mismatched, it's not that

4:23

there's anything broken. It's

4:25

just literally different physiologies. You haven't

4:27

talked about certain things. Well, let's

4:29

get into that. Let me give somebody some help here.

4:32

What are some steps we can

4:34

take to initiate effectively and to

4:37

receive effectively? Well,

4:39

that actually brings up one of the

4:41

other topics that was a big surprise

4:43

to me is that quite often the

4:45

reason you're not connecting isn't that somebody

4:47

has like a lower sex drive or

4:50

you know, whatever, that's what you think.

4:52

It's not, and it's also maybe not even that you

4:55

have different types of desire. It could

4:57

literally be that you guys don't have a way

4:59

to initiate. That's effective. That's

5:01

effective and that you even know

5:03

that there's signals of openness or

5:06

interests that are being sent. And

5:09

so that one thing, if

5:11

you go, ah, you know, I

5:13

just, I felt like something was going to happen

5:15

tonight and it didn't and I'm so disappointed or

5:17

I feel like there's pressure, like

5:20

I don't know when there's an expectation

5:22

towards me. Well, if you talk about,

5:24

well, where are our signals like that

5:26

will tell me when you're interested or

5:29

when you're open and suddenly,

5:31

wow, you can connect. Can I tell

5:33

them about the mirror? Yes. Are

5:36

you okay? I love collecting stories that answer the

5:38

question that you just asked how to, because it's

5:40

really unique from couple to couple and they have

5:42

to talk about it. But this is one of

5:45

my favorites. I love this. This is

5:47

a couple that basically said we have to come

5:49

up with some way to convey when we're interested

5:52

or open or whatever. And so

5:54

this one husband will check his mirror

5:57

every evening and his wife after work

5:59

will write. in sort of erasable marker

6:01

on the mirror in the bathroom in a

6:03

little discrete corner, a number from one to

6:05

ten. And numbers

6:07

eight to ten are basically her saying, I'm

6:09

a sure thing if you ask. And

6:13

numbers one through four basically stay back if

6:15

you want to keep your parts. And

6:20

the sort of the middle numbers, the sort of five to

6:22

seven are maybe, I don't know,

6:24

it's been a long day. It depends

6:26

on how well he can draw her

6:28

in at that point. And

6:31

thinking about that in a husband and

6:34

how freeing it is

6:36

to not have to

6:38

wonder and worry and feel pressure

6:41

because you've got a signal. And

6:44

there's tons of different signals. Oh, I know.

6:46

I'm thinking of a friend that I do know. He calls

6:48

it the budget meeting. And so they have

6:50

a once a week budget meeting. So when their kids were

6:53

smaller, they didn't want to, you know, but they would say,

6:55

are we going to go over the budget tonight? And yes

6:57

or no. And my

6:59

invitation is for couples to just identify with each

7:01

other. What do you, how do you

7:03

know when your spouse is in the mood? And

7:06

does that work for you? Is the way

7:08

they initiate it working? Because often what we

7:10

do just is like slamming on the brakes

7:12

for our partner. And

7:14

it doesn't take too much to shift to something that draws

7:17

us in. Well,

7:21

Greg, we kind of landed on a

7:24

lighter note in that conversation. There

7:27

are some couples where one or both

7:29

of the spouses don't see sex as

7:31

fun. Yeah. There's probably

7:33

some fear associated with that. Or I don't

7:35

know what the range of things would be,

7:38

but address that for us. Yeah. Well,

7:41

it's doing exactly what you were saying

7:43

in what is that about? There has

7:45

to be a willingness

7:47

to be curious, not

7:50

judgment. Judgment shuts you down.

7:53

Judgment will keep you from really having

7:56

some good self-awareness. Curiosity

7:58

Allows you to go, yeah, what? What That's

8:01

about it If I don't

8:03

see sexes, fun food Hill

8:05

we're we're my dad have

8:07

come from so you really

8:09

it's trying to be cheers

8:11

around the source. I know

8:13

that there's a lot of

8:15

people this this could be

8:17

related to past sexual experience

8:19

hill trauma guilt. same this

8:21

could come from he'll cultural

8:23

or even religious backgrounds and

8:25

beliefs you grow up within

8:27

a I've I've talked to

8:29

so. Many Christian couples in they talk

8:31

about it was so weird you for

8:34

for the first year twenty three twenty

8:36

four years of our lives until we

8:38

got married we were told one thing

8:40

don't had sex Don't have sex Sex

8:42

is bad. Get have sex for your

8:44

it's just there was always known or

8:46

else and is almost like okay now

8:48

the rings on just did the vows

8:50

go for it is enjoy it as

8:52

a C I a good mental churn.

8:54

They're here in in so that that

8:56

can certainly have an impact on someone

8:58

could be a body image. Issue by

9:01

my be something else completely. The

9:03

point is doing exactly what you

9:05

naturally started to do as as

9:08

yeah, what what sets fear about

9:10

Hebrew Really willing to explore that

9:12

that can be a great conversation

9:14

between. You and

9:17

your spouse he only in ios is

9:19

so weird. your for me it's sexist,

9:21

not always fun. I don't perceive as

9:23

fun as loved his. To take a

9:26

walk and think about that and the

9:28

says talk in if you're curious and

9:30

in it feel safe for you. you

9:33

might get some incredible inside because then

9:35

whatever maybe is going on there that

9:37

suits you can take them to a

9:39

good Christian counselor and to say I

9:42

grew up in a home and in

9:44

everything there was always said. About sex

9:46

was so negative or yeah that's

9:49

apparently that's really was unfaithful and

9:51

I became such a hurtful negative

9:53

saying in the here's how it's

9:55

impacted me. see the incident, go

9:57

in and get that sort of.

10:00

Sort of help you want another

10:02

thing to do as you guys

10:04

are exploring that together here. Really

10:07

think it about maybe some root

10:09

causes? Go to the Book of

10:12

Song of Solomon. he observed the

10:14

old has had the bible God

10:16

gave us his amazing entire book

10:19

about sex between you know King

10:21

Solomon in in his wife in

10:23

the there's some incredible just vs

10:26

and imagery and just what what

10:28

a sad about sex. Is such

10:31

a positive thing and so maybe

10:33

that's scrabble Devotion on had that

10:35

song of Solomon in into Schools

10:38

is that together In in release

10:40

be thinking about a year what

10:42

was God's to desire in In

10:45

what did see one is is

10:47

given a says gift a sangria

10:49

when it's so good. And if

10:52

you're having any sort of unease

10:54

in your relationship about this topic

10:56

of sex or counseling team is

10:59

available in. A terrific resource

11:01

for you. Call our toll free number

11:03

eight hundred the litter A in the

11:05

word family will have further details of

11:07

free in the show notes as well.

11:09

I'm will happen is will scheduled time

11:12

for somebody to give you a call

11:14

back and will walk through this with

11:16

you and I do hear you out

11:18

the or of be compassionate they'll offer

11:21

some help to you. Would also point

11:23

you to the book by Shanti and

11:25

Michael. It's called Secrets of Sex and

11:27

Marriage. It really is a terrific book

11:29

and. It's got eight different main points

11:31

that it covers and it's available for gift

11:34

of any amount to the Ministry of Focus

11:36

on the family. To find the link in

11:38

the show notes with the further description of

11:40

the books and an opportunity for you to

11:43

donate to the Ministry of Focus, please be

11:45

generous, will send a book to you. all

11:47

the details are in the show notes. And

11:50

a we love to hear your feedback

11:53

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11:55

platform you follow so please give a

11:57

rating and libor you forests and be.

12:00

Greg in air and in the entire team. Thanks

12:02

for listening! I'm John for learned this has been

12:04

the focus on the family marriage. Is

12:11

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12:14

for deep her? You need deep healing

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12:18

You'll find it at a Focus on

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