0:05

If you've been unfaithful and

0:08

you've confessed your sin to your spouse, you

0:10

might think. Okay. I'm done my part. Let's

0:12

move on, but the truth is just

0:14

as a wound. Physically

0:17

needs time to heal. Your spouse's

0:19

heart needs time to emotionally. And

0:22

if you are a couple, you know, is in a describe

0:25

recovery process. I'm so glad

0:27

you joined us today. I'm John Fuller

0:29

along with Greg and Erin Smalley. They

0:31

lead our marriage team here at focus

0:33

on the family. And let's go ahead hear

0:35

a continuation of a conversation

0:38

that Jim Daly. And I had with Mark and

0:40

Jill Savage, their stories

0:42

about how God healed their marriage.

0:44

Even after Mark, had an affair. And

0:46

in this clip, they're going to some of the ups

0:49

downs, they faced during the early

0:51

stages of their relational

0:53

recover. Once the affair confessed

0:56

that the guilty spouse begins to

0:58

feel better. You know, you've got it off your chest

1:00

or speak your. It's out in the open that

1:02

part of the hard. road

1:05

is done and feeling lighter

1:07

if i can say that way but the victim the

1:09

spouse thats you know been betrayed

1:12

theyre , starting into that mess

1:14

of how do i figure this out and what do i do

1:16

and where do i go did you

1:18

experience that dynamic in your relationship

1:21

the messy part like he you are feeling

1:23

better and youre feeling like feeling done know what

1:25

i should do with you at this moment arrogance

1:28

in confidence rose off the

1:30

charts

1:32

after i would agree with that which was

1:34

i never really seen that side of you because

1:37

i think the other dynamic that happened was

1:39

you were passive passive

1:42

passive passive passive

1:45

in tell you said im

1:47

done and im out here and

1:50

then i saw this

1:52

side was there was know more passivity

1:55

and i didnt even no what that a

1:58

which we see that in that lot the couples that we

2:00

coach

2:00

we encourage in that we helpful you know

2:03

in what we do now let me because i

2:05

yeah i understand that he described

2:07

that i'm mark was why do men

2:09

behave that way we we could poon we

2:11

hide emotionally yes and we

2:13

just let everything kind of go okay that's

2:16

fine

2:16

and then the monster comes out the confident

2:19

monster i i think i

2:21

it does i think that goes back to genesis

2:24

that we when a man doesnt what

2:26

to do he does nothing and

2:29

thats not a good decision on his

2:32

part and so we coward

2:34

and we hide and we think that

2:37

we need to be silent and its

2:39

really

2:40

important that a man find his voice

2:43

and not wait until that blow

2:45

up its a dynamic ive seen

2:47

in couples where there his a strong woman

2:49

jill you are a strong woman his

2:52

a does that make harder for

2:54

guy to express his voice your

2:56

absolutely right rhetorical

3:00

Question again, and

3:02

that was one

3:04

I of them would try and she would

3:06

shoot you down or shut you off. Absolutely.

3:08

I would try to voice my thoughts

3:11

or my opinions and then finally you

3:13

go at forget it. and

3:15

said that was a place where i to focus

3:17

on my own growth. i realized i misused

3:19

my strength and i needed

3:22

to learn how to leverage

3:24

it in a way that honored my husband

3:27

in a way that um didnt minimize

3:29

his voice and

3:31

remember when we talked yesterday about

3:35

that we went to lunches together well

3:38

i was beginning to change the way that

3:40

was using my voice at those

3:42

lunches how so i

3:44

practically he would make statement

3:47

and instead of squashing that statement

3:49

and telling him what i would think i would ask question

3:52

and ask further and

3:55

so i was drawing him

3:57

out him was using reflective

3:59

less in the what i hear you saying

4:01

is

4:03

this did you know to do that

4:05

was that formulaic or was that coming

4:07

naturally

4:08

um i was i had actually a read

4:10

a book that was a a

4:12

very powerful for me was

4:15

called the god empowered wife and it

4:17

was book for strong women and

4:19

how strong women

4:21

Can the funny thing is, the

4:23

subtitle I think is how strong women can help

4:25

their husbands become Godly leaders, which

4:28

is

4:28

really even

4:33

matter. How

4:34

to draw that strong woman in and

4:37

want to read the that he addresses

4:39

that in infidelity so

4:41

im reading it and im applying and

4:43

and going and starting to

4:45

use my strength

4:48

in a a different way and so

4:50

week after week im making

4:53

changes which at first he goes in your manipulating

4:55

me but really

4:57

im realizing no

5:00

i have to change this again

5:02

whether our marriage makes it or not i have to

5:04

change this i misused

5:06

think in that is so good for people to hear

5:08

and i think again today we want concentrate

5:10

on equipping the people that are kind of where

5:12

you used to be in in that

5:14

context in mark yesterday

5:16

you mentioned

5:18

Kind of your mentality. The moment was let's

5:21

just get Dover. What's get this done with?

5:23

Let's keep moving. Let's get the divorce. Let's

5:25

figure out what we're going to do two kids. Now,

5:27

it's almost like typical male

5:30

problem-solving, you know, we

5:32

got to figure who gets the kids win, but

5:34

something pulled you back from that. I'd say it was

5:36

the Lord but explain why couples

5:39

who have gone through this and are willing

5:41

at least have hope. Maybe again, we

5:43

know trust is broken, but

5:45

for that guilty spouse

5:48

to commit

5:50

to a recovery and

5:52

not just go into problem-solving mode and to

5:54

relieve the pain by going through a divorce. And

5:57

if so often the data shows that when

5:59

a divorce, because especially see this date

6:01

in light of men you know they then

6:03

remarry and very same problems

6:05

crop up again because your not dealing

6:08

with the core issues you

6:10

wasnt your your first spouse now

6:13

you got same problems in your second marriage or

6:15

your third marriage light and those

6:17

typically dont go well either and

6:20

so speak to that long term commitment thats really

6:22

the question that transition that you made

6:24

from lets just in this in the pain

6:26

ive got this other thing going its far

6:28

better right now right

6:31

right but you pull back and i give

6:33

you you know kudos for that you did

6:36

pull back commit to long term process

6:38

obviously if i could say i by i by

6:40

to you jill deserves a lot credit

6:43

in this whole thing oh absolutely

6:45

cause she was faithful she was say and then she

6:47

stayed faithful to you so man to man

6:49

i mean thats part of it but a you

6:51

deserve credit for pulling back a

6:53

in lot men wouldnt do that know

6:56

they keep going a for

6:58

me i the process

7:00

of a long term commitment was

7:04

more

7:06

one foot in front of the other commitment one

7:09

day at a time one day at a time and

7:11

a my first huge

7:14

decision was surrender i

7:17

had made such mess and as a man

7:19

were fixers and i realized

7:21

there was not one thing i could do to

7:23

fix this which was a beautiful

7:26

moment for me because it

7:28

was the moment that god became

7:30

so real that the only

7:32

hope i had which was abundant

7:35

was god would fix this that

7:37

was this promise to me that and

7:40

then the picture i had in fact

7:42

on my phone i of a picture of

7:45

of a road with yellow

7:47

line down the

7:49

middle that i would take the hand

7:51

god my dad and

7:55

walk on that yellow line dad

7:58

where are we going want me do and

8:02

a part my commitment to

8:04

my family in to joe was

8:07

in met with every person who

8:09

i knew i had hurt i

8:12

ask forgiveness and i worked

8:15

to make it right with my family being

8:18

in ministry as

8:20

hundreds of people i

8:22

spent the whole next year just really working

8:24

to clean up mess

8:27

that i had made as god led me into

8:30

that situation that was

8:32

thats powerful

8:36

thats really good stuff and a erin

8:39

i loved how mark brought up the importance of

8:41

taking things in recovery kind of

8:43

one day at a time a

8:46

that can be can tough perspective

8:48

tough keep you know front center

8:51

because there are hard days and the journey of recovery

8:53

you see that all the time with couples you work

8:56

absolutely and i would say when

8:58

we look to far down the road

9:01

a , know often we start thinking

9:03

things like its always going be like this

9:05

i going to feel just like i feel today

9:07

you know ten months from now i

9:10

never going move beyond this

9:12

were never going to move beyond this and

9:14

thats where the enemy can just step right in

9:16

and in stir continue to stir

9:19

those thoughts up yes the its always

9:21

going to be like this why are you doing this you

9:23

know youre never going to change hes never going to change

9:25

in versus just taking it day by day

9:28

where you at today today not

9:30

missing out and what god has for you today

9:33

in this healing process sometimes

9:35

i will encourage my couples you know

9:37

when theyre grieving that you know

9:39

something has happened in the relationship that they

9:41

never dreamt they would go through a

9:44

you know grieve consistently

9:46

maybe even maybe set

9:48

time each day that your meeting with god

9:50

and going okay lord what are we dealing with mm

9:53

and what do you want to teach

9:55

today i love that and want to even

9:57

share a a from v

10:00

that i was recently watching was about a

10:03

dad , recently lost is daughter

10:05

in this other dad who gone through the exact

10:07

same thing thing something

10:09

like this he said the bad news is your

10:12

never going be the same your never

10:14

going be whole not ever again you

10:16

lost your daughter nothings ever going to replace

10:18

that now the good news is as

10:20

soon as you accept that and let

10:22

yourself suffer you allow

10:24

yourself to visit her your mind and you can

10:26

remember all the love the she gave

10:28

and the joy that she knew in

10:31

the part that really stuck out to me

10:33

in powerful scene was when you

10:35

allow yourself to suffer and

10:37

, thats such important part of this

10:39

process is is not

10:42

avoiding pain in

10:44

ignoring the hurt and trying to move

10:46

on if i could just by if i can just get past

10:48

this but its actually instead

10:50

of avoiding that pain its its leaning in

10:52

its its facing its allowing yourself

10:55

to suffer seems sort of counter

10:57

intuitive because of the pain that

11:00

everybodys already gone through but

11:02

telling you the earn saying when you really

11:05

let it be okay like on

11:08

any given day any given moment

11:10

that right now boy feel

11:12

the hurt feel the pain instead

11:14

of that taking you to place of

11:16

anger or whatever

11:19

else that might be unhealthy really

11:21

allow that your heart just to just to

11:23

in that way but you lean in you face that you

11:25

allow yourself to suffer

11:28

because what often happens then is

11:30

your spouse will be watching you and all they see

11:32

the anger they dont know whats

11:34

going on underneath the water

11:36

line and essence in nor do you

11:38

unless you sit and you acknowledge like i

11:40

really struggling today i wonder

11:42

why you know whats going on inside

11:45

of me and then its

11:47

and opportunity once you sit and care

11:49

for whatevers really going on to take it to your

11:51

spouse and go hey can we can we

11:53

check in and can i just share with you

11:55

where i im at today and then that

11:57

brings that brings for connection

12:00

thats really good and i i think going

12:02

back to something you said earlier erin um

12:05

has you talked about not trying

12:07

to rush the process and miss god has

12:09

for me today i spent a lot

12:11

time and airports recently and you do

12:14

you do this all time so you see people that are

12:16

on their phone crowded airport

12:18

thousands of people trying to get someplace

12:20

in this person is totally

12:23

unaware their circumstances and their surroundings

12:25

their missing

12:27

where theyre at because theyre

12:30

glued to the distraction so

12:32

, encouragement to use the listeners dont try

12:34

to soothe or distract so much

12:36

that you dont feel it take gregorys or

12:39

admonitions in theyre wisdom to heart feel

12:42

what you feel so that you can

12:44

be present in the moment and get through

12:46

it to the destination that god has for

12:48

yeah in trust that god will meet you there

12:50

yeah because throughout scripture specifically

12:53

in matthew i was just studying that he

12:55

will give you what you need in

12:58

the moment

12:58

in a for today yeah and in some

13:00

one nineteen your word is a lamp to my feet

13:03

wasnt you know twenty thousand lumin

13:05

flashlight that goes three miles was

13:08

little candle that went about

13:10

three feet you in the dark

13:12

on path

13:14

in the woods three feet is all you need

13:16

if , here a is all you

13:19

well if you need someone to go

13:21

on that journey with you if you feel like i

13:23

cant do this its going to slow or i cant

13:26

wait to to get through it or i cant feel

13:28

anything any more more any

13:30

dont have a trusted christian friend or a

13:32

counselor a to talk with give

13:34

us a us our counseling team

13:37

is available a donors make it possible

13:39

for them to have a free consultation

13:41

with you twenty twenty five minute phone

13:43

call and call give us a call

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great call caring theyll listen

13:49

to you theyll pray with you theyll guide you in

13:52

some next steps in have course this

13:54

reminder that you will savage

13:56

has written you great book your next

13:58

steps and will send of that to

14:00

you when you donate of

14:03

to the ministry focus on family gift any amount

14:05

youll , details in the show notes

14:08

notes time pastor rob flood and

14:10

his wife gina share how they learned

14:13

to get over and argument on their

14:15

honeymoon of for the

14:17

smalls and the entire team on john

14:19

fuller and this has been the focus on the family

14:21

marriage podcast

14:27

in light of the supreme courts recent decision

14:30

on abortion are you ready for what comes

14:32

next and how should we respond

14:34

as emotions run high as christians

14:36

we need to be ready focus on the family

14:38

can help your prepare join us

14:40

every monday to hear inspiring stories

14:43

from people who face their own pro

14:45

life moments and experience

14:47

gods love to learn more go to focus

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