0:05

All. Of us have some baggage from our

0:07

past and what do you recognize it or not,

0:10

those past hurts can be buried

0:12

underneath the surface and they're going to come up in? Ways

0:14

that you don't expect today,

0:16

you're going to hear how God redeemed a marriage

0:19

after some hidden pain was revealed

0:22

I'm John Fuller along with my focus

0:24

on the family colleagues. Dr Greg Smalley

0:26

and his wife Erin and, we're going to

0:28

hear now from Dave and Kirsten Samuel

0:30

they went through really dark period

0:32

as couple when Kirsten

0:35

found. Out Dave was addicted to pornography,

0:38

she didn't know that the revelation

0:40

of his in would reminder of some

0:42

past wounds and hurts that she was experiencing

0:45

here's Jim Daly person let. Me ask

0:48

you again exploring the feelings

0:50

that spouse will have. your

0:53

in this anger Come out

0:55

your heart is raging in so

0:58

many directions trust has been broken

1:00

and sense of betrayal I think I'm

1:02

painting the picture pretty well but,

1:04

then you began to deal with your own guilt

1:07

and shame, explain.

1:09

that as a man

1:11

i'm not sure that would be my response

1:13

in week or two I would pray

1:16

get hung up on the you betrayed

1:18

me for a while so

1:20

help me understand how you turn that inwardly

1:23

to say okay I'm. feeling

1:25

guilt and shame now was it about what Yes,

1:27

David done, or was it more

1:30

personal to you?

1:34

It was it was both of those gym,

1:36

honestly, am. What

1:40

opened up in me when?

1:42

dave revealed this was my

1:44

sense The ones that

1:46

I had that have been hiding. For many,

1:49

many years. I'm and they went

1:51

back to my own abuse. The situation

1:53

where had never dealt with. What

1:56

had happened to me as a nine year old child

1:59

in? so They did, was it said, "See,

2:01

you don't have any value" You're not worth

2:03

anything, your unseen. Your

2:06

I'm lovable. It

2:08

could opened up all of this can

2:10

of worms this pandora's box.

2:13

Really, when you set a while ago, the nice

2:15

could not have gone any deeper into your heart,

2:17

I think we all understand that better now,

2:19

yeah. mean that that's

2:22

why they're certainly one of the big

2:24

reasons it, was confirming

2:26

something you had held in your heart for so long.

2:29

i'm not worthy i'm not good enough

2:32

I'm night yeah I'm not I'm not pretty enough

2:35

I'm not good enough I'm not smart enough i'm not

2:37

i'm not lovable and what don't

2:39

matter is what it came to came

2:41

when dave came home and told

2:43

me what the counselor had asked

2:45

him and then he said

2:48

is that how you feel any kids

2:50

the counsellor had also said you have

2:52

wounded her to the core for being Then

2:55

when he came home and said that to me,

2:57

and he said, is this: "How you feel that

3:00

was the first time I was able to say?" That's

3:02

it. That's

3:04

it. You

3:07

have traded me. Therefore,

3:09

don't matter. That's

3:12

where the nice just went in and it just doesn't

3:14

around.

3:16

As you started that restoration process

3:19

did, you believe that there

3:21

was hope for your marriage shall as both

3:23

of the and Dave let's start with you. i

3:26

wanna say yes wanted

3:28

to believe that the time that there was hope

3:31

for the marriage was willing to do whatever

3:34

Needed to do to keep the marriage

3:36

together and, to

3:39

show curse and yes i mean business

3:41

and business am going to rebuild trust and am going

3:43

to The take care of this now,

3:46

can't

3:47

Save for Kirsten a sign

3:49

on the Yeah I mean you're a good weird the offender

3:51

and so I get that and people are screaming then

3:53

right back at us right now and.

3:56

i get back to me but how to

3:58

do then respond In

4:00

terms of hope free emerged, you feel

4:02

it or did you want out? There

4:04

was a part of me that. Absolutely,

4:06

abhors the idea of divorce.

4:08

In I did not want to be a statistic so,

4:11

there was this pride thing that came into place

4:13

for me and I'm stubborn enough says

4:16

that came into play but there was also this

4:19

don't know who you are I'm disgusted by

4:21

you I don't wanna be around you. and

4:25

Yeah, was raised or and. In what?

4:29

Have you in? Then

4:32

in his face after he came back from the counselor.

4:35

Because at that point knew. The

4:38

was serious. If could read it,

4:41

did okay, we've been married for twenty five years,

4:43

could read him pretty well by this point,

4:45

mean obviously not that great because don't

4:47

know.

4:47

When I get the but right but he.

4:50

kept that from the right

4:51

That, but there was at this point there was something

4:53

in his demeanor, there was something in his

4:55

manner that said. He

4:58

serious this time, this is gonna happen

5:01

and that was an inkling of hope

5:03

the other one was when we the very first

5:05

day that within two hours and when

5:07

he made this revelation. Making

5:10

Cathy said to us. This does

5:12

not have to be fatal. That

5:15

with an anchor for me to hold on to.

5:17

That's so interesting is that comment

5:19

in gave you enough of.

5:21

a line of sight yeah suture yeah

5:24

that's amazing

5:28

Greg I really appreciated what Christian's

5:30

friends said about this doesn't have

5:32

to be fatal so. address

5:35

What? You seen, in terms of the work you've done

5:38

with couples, were there has been

5:40

Fernandez, he got often intervenes

5:42

and can restore the love the words

5:44

fatal cause it bright. Eyed totally

5:47

agree that, it doesn't have to be fatal

5:49

because it can be such a turning point,

5:53

point your marriage mean as I look back on the thirty

5:55

years. Of our. marriage your

5:57

that there's been moments to

5:59

wear can now go whoa

6:02

that saying that painful,

6:05

horrible experience that we went through

6:08

that. actually is now is can see the

6:10

turning point turning can see how god use

6:12

that in the doesn't invalidate

6:15

arm minimize the pain I.

6:17

Mean any experience of we've been

6:19

through that, they really became

6:21

attorney point was brutal, it

6:23

was very difficult, in the

6:25

ad is so important to

6:28

believe that. The God can use

6:30

those I'm a tough

6:32

experiences and those really hard

6:34

seasons as turning point to, where

6:37

they really become an opportunity and I think

6:39

that's a part of. The mindset that we have to

6:41

have is that belief to

6:43

think that's the essence of hope we believe

6:45

the gods can use this and it's going to become,

6:47

an opportunity. In our

6:49

relationship in our lives

6:52

as individuals to James one

6:54

to says when troubles, of any kind

6:57

come your way were like is he he's

6:59

not, saying you. And certain types

7:02

of problems come your way but he same

7:04

when troubles of any kind coming away considered

7:06

that's. to be an opportunity him

7:09

in that is so true when air and i

7:11

have faced whatever

7:13

in our marriage It's

7:15

an opportunity I get to learn something

7:17

new about me is individuals,

7:19

so may be issues that have.

7:22

laid Dormant under the surface

7:24

or the just whatever mean get to learn

7:26

something about myself maybe,

7:29

something new about Aaron's aaron's

7:31

or something about our relationship

7:33

that needed to change your adjust

7:36

in some way, in and in believe.

7:38

that yeah i'm a conflict

7:41

of winter Right?

7:43

Look at it and six. years

7:45

i can say me and my still have a million ahmed

7:47

knows that all legal weed whatever

7:49

That's a pretty am and known

7:52

since the statement that Greg does not.

7:54

Okay so you boy can't let go towards complete

7:56

I avoid conflict but now

7:59

is. much as i Really don't wanna do this

8:01

it is much easier for me

8:03

to eventually I'm.

8:06

really walk through that process with

8:08

them because do believe that any

8:11

of these every one of these as an opportunity

8:13

and so if we can hold on to that

8:16

that's the hope going through

8:18

any sort of struggle on marriage that

8:20

god will use that

8:22

In. Please, here is that if

8:24

you are in the middle of this and

8:26

that really, really painful place,

8:29

this is not saying that ghosted minimize

8:31

and blow past it, and you know. Look,

8:33

inward, really get over it, yes,

8:36

that really you know you might be in the middle

8:38

of that painful, painful place and

8:41

you need to set some boundaries and take a. Step

8:43

back, but it's doing

8:45

it with an open heart knowing that

8:47

God can still show up surround,

8:49

yourself with Godly got the people who can

8:51

be that hope for you. We

8:54

will often Sameerah can survive on someone

8:56

else is hope for a season. and

8:58

so surround yourself with people like that

9:00

bit you may be thinking i can't

9:02

just to move through this in know

9:05

that there's gonna be a difference he's it's while

9:07

you can pray for that he can

9:09

surround yourself with people who can speak

9:11

that over you and but it

9:13

may mean gone through some really rough

9:15

hard

9:16

The water here and is

9:18

this month or same

9:20

his divorce and how to step back

9:23

from the brink of divorce so?

9:25

tie all that together greg guess we

9:27

wrap up this episode Then.

9:30

That what you are going through doesn't have

9:32

to be fatal in I know

9:35

just feel the roles in

9:38

just the shaking of the head lady of

9:40

you don't. Know my smalling me a break I

9:42

get it in, in the

9:44

there's a lotta hurt and pain out there in God

9:47

can take every bit of that in crow

9:49

you. Choose individuals. he's

9:52

gonna grow your relationship That's

9:54

not an instant you.

9:57

experience obviously that that's that

9:59

process The point that adventure

10:01

of walking through this pain and

10:03

growing from whatever is gone on for

10:05

that can pay such amazing

10:08

dividends because the thing that desecrate

10:10

grit. In. In all

10:13

of us need grit to really

10:15

to survive thirty forty

10:17

fifty sixty years of marriage, that's

10:19

part of what we need, we need didn't know

10:22

that whatever it. Is that we face we

10:24

can make it because we survived

10:26

member way back when or member five

10:29

years ago I mean, that's the stuff

10:31

that creates gretzky and as in A? Trust

10:33

in each other and in our relationship

10:35

and in our Lord the, that

10:37

we can walk to the stuff we don't have

10:40

to give up here we want encourage

10:42

you to

10:43

Step away from the divorce line,

10:45

to change your thinking, your

10:48

words, your behaviors, and

10:50

to consider getting in touch with us.

10:52

If we can be of along that drink.

10:54

There's a generation waiting

10:57

to see what you're going to and there

10:59

is lot of Fallout if you continue

11:01

on toward divorce, so please, what you're going

11:04

through, isn't to go back to

11:06

Kristen's friend is Greg

11:08

was saying and we want to be of that process.

11:10

If we can we have hope

11:12

restored. We have counsellors.

11:14

You can have free consultation with

11:16

you, and we have Christian's book

11:18

as well choosing way, out all

11:21

of this encouragement and help as and phone call

11:23

away. Eight hundred the litter in the,

11:25

word family were stopped

11:27

by the episode notes you'll see links for, all

11:29

of that the next time we'll hear from

11:31

Deborah for. Later and she's going to

11:33

be, discussing different conflict styles

11:36

sand on behalf of the conflict

11:38

avoidance Greg and here in

11:40

small. any and entire to i am

11:42

john sullivan thanks for listening to date will

11:45

personally family would have regular

11:47

to be gone and a safer listening to the focus

11:49

gone the family marriage podcast

11:55

And I knew my marriage was falling apart. just

11:58

didn't know how to fix it.

12:00

Felt like I would always be alone. Even

12:02

if stayed married at focus

12:04

on the Family's. Hope restored, marriage intensive.

12:06

We offer hope to couples

12:08

in crisis, so they can have the marriage.

12:10

They've always dreamed of, for the first

12:13

time. felt like my husband,

12:15

truly heard

12:15

me. I receive some great tools

12:17

from the counselors that have changed my life and

12:20

my marriage, to begin

12:21

the Journey of finding Health, go to

12:23

Hope restored. Calm today.