0:06

When? You've been hurt by your spouse it

0:08

can be so easy to start criticizing

0:10

him or her for all of the problems in

0:13

your relationship of, blaming

0:15

them only makes things. Worse not better,

0:18

today you'll hear a powerful story from

0:20

couple of who were rocked by an affair and

0:22

the wife chose to love her husband

0:25

instead of playing the. Blame, game I'm

0:27

John Fuller along with my focus on the family

0:29

colleagues Dr Greg Small he and his wife

0:32

Erin. smalley and i'm aaron It's

0:35

hard for us to be blaming.

0:38

her made after we've been hurt but why is

0:40

that

0:41

Well it's interesting because when you're

0:43

blaming someone else you're actually taking

0:46

the focus off of you so

0:48

in many ways you're not able to focus

0:50

on your own personal growth but you're also not

0:52

able to effectively communicate what.

0:55

is going on for you because you're focused on what the other

0:57

person is or isn't doing in so

0:59

there's something so powerful about stepping back

1:02

and just reflecting on what is going

1:04

on for me if my spouse has done this in

1:06

it hurt me how does it impact

1:08

me and then i can go and share

1:10

while that hurt me and this is

1:12

what is feel you know feel rejected

1:15

feel invalidated

1:17

feel not good enough whatever it is in

1:19

this is what i'd like to request me

1:21

Forward. That is so vital

1:24

to slow down and to resist the

1:26

urge to blame that other person

1:28

and start to own kind of what is my part

1:30

of, little head with. That in mind and

1:33

move to a conversation that we had with Mark and

1:35

Jill Savage and in previous

1:37

episodes, they shared with Jim

1:39

dalian me about how market been unfaithful.

1:42

To. jail and i hear the

1:44

going to talk more about their recovery process

1:47

jelen mark welcome back to focus

1:49

st heels thank you was so good to

1:51

have you back and mean that them and

1:54

thank you for extending our time

1:56

together on the broadcasts of

1:58

as mentioned we spoke last time That.

2:00

Broken this what was going on in your relationship

2:04

mark, for those just joining today

2:06

are in and out of this affair seven

2:08

eight times over the period

2:10

of just over. Six months trying

2:12

to figure out what to do you separate

2:14

as you are living an apartment have five

2:17

children, and jill

2:19

you to sing an unbiased thread unbiased can. Imagine

2:21

that you express some of that last time he

2:23

began to develop hope, not trust

2:26

by you and hope that God could heal

2:28

your marriage, and it took Mark a little. Longer

2:30

to get there, that's kind of the background,

2:33

as to where we're at now, and I do want to

2:35

concentrate on those common barriers

2:37

that couples have to overcome

2:39

that you. Overcame at to fix

2:41

your marriage and marriage move in a healthy direction

2:44

and Christ centered,. direction so

2:47

how can couple successfully

2:50

avoid the blame game which is one

2:52

of those barriers and

2:54

we were ended that and bit last time but each

2:57

having last list in jail we can expand

2:59

on this little bit again i'm so Crowd!

3:02

Of women and again this is generalization

3:04

I know it's not everybody's women have

3:06

this incredible capacity to look

3:08

at themselves I, mean as man

3:11

you know it gets. Me tears because you're

3:13

so quick to say what have done, wherever

3:16

fallen short what's my problem and

3:18

mark you tip fight the man faggot

3:21

man list on you and. It's really your fault

3:23

is that I'm in this mess and we were like little

3:25

boys you made me eat it raw,

3:27

he isn't one that told me told do it right.

3:29

And I'm he has his it's who were made

3:32

up that way going back to Adam

3:34

the it does this woman you gave, me gave

3:37

problem guy and so.

3:39

And I'm glad we can laugh about it now, but

3:41

know people listening or maybe a net pitch

3:44

of pain, yes, right, and you

3:46

guys can laugh today, but you had. today go through

3:48

had valley upset so job

3:50

when we come your way again let's frame

3:52

that again little bit what are these barriers

3:55

and one obviously as the blame game.

3:57

speak to it will you know

4:00

One of the things that were so very

4:02

helpful and I do write about it in your next

4:05

steps is.

4:07

I was able to look at marks your eyes

4:09

of compassion and. that

4:11

helped me At

4:14

in there was plenty of blame at times don't hear

4:16

me wrong on. But when was

4:18

able to see that he.

4:21

was acting out of his own hurt

4:23

and his own confusion That

4:26

really helped me. The to

4:29

resist blaming more.

4:31

Then I. Where? already

4:33

was just naturally coates because

4:36

realized he was, he was personally

4:38

struggling, you know, of this was an identity

4:41

challenge, this was him feeling

4:43

lost from leaving ministry for. Twenty

4:45

years and so that was really

4:48

helpful for me was

4:50

to see him through eyes of compassion

4:53

and that kept the bill. I'm

4:56

at least.

4:57

At a lower level. Can I get

5:00

that and that's helpful some

5:02

women or saying you're crazy. i mean seriously

5:04

cuz we're operating out of our flesh. I

5:06

i would say in that moment and they're justifying

5:09

their own on christ-like

5:11

responses. right, it's hard, I

5:14

know we're going to get loaded a form air in the sub

5:16

and.

5:16

Our how you am I.

5:19

can remember when particular night after mark

5:21

last the toilet overflowed

5:23

on the second floor of our homes and

5:25

the water came down on to the main level

5:27

and down into the basement am

5:30

i do a lot of blaming that night

5:31

I'm sure I went into Adam Vs does

5:33

your mark nine. outta

5:36

as well as a trap there and i

5:38

artists yeah

5:39

The last ten and I was home,

5:41

and with you know two teenage boys and

5:44

don't know how to fix. The plumbing

5:46

and was really angry and there was a lot

5:48

of blame that went on that night so.

5:51

without doubt the inner there was

5:53

fair share of The

5:55

me throwing. The aim his

5:58

way him throwing blame my way.

6:00

When he has marked to jump in on that, them in your

6:02

are like that, it of on the blame game well

6:04

as. My reality

6:07

was, I was led by my flesh.

6:10

And didn't understand that then.

6:13

totally get that now. That

6:16

was led by my slash was following

6:19

my last and, what

6:21

was powerful from jill His

6:24

saw. A.

6:27

It was not an easy transformation

6:30

for her, but it was an intentional decision

6:33

on her part to love me.

6:36

Wow, and to loved me.

6:39

In a way that she had never done so, and that was

6:41

spare lead.

6:45

Greg. In it seems that when a couple years in

6:47

situation like that with Mark and Jill,

6:50

where they were, is easier say, "Walked in something's

6:52

wrong, but most the problem"

6:54

Is on my spouse their the really

6:56

their the offender in this why,

6:59

is that the wrong attitude we heard little bit from an

7:01

earlier but go ahead yeah kind of? It high

7:03

level, we've discovered

7:06

in our marriage in the couples we work with

7:08

is total waste of time of

7:10

figure out who's at. fault who's

7:13

to blame it says it's of wesa

7:15

time is it spins you around

7:17

Right, like to measure it out, though you know

7:19

you are fifty one percent of

7:21

the problem, and I am forty.

7:24

Robin. Just I think I'm naturally most

7:26

of us wanted to do this fast mental math

7:28

well okay am to five or ten percent year

7:30

one or two percent by snipers?

7:33

And waste of time like your December

7:35

there's no value it doesn't help

7:37

when you upload Reg he does, rely

7:39

on that it won't get super you want to go know.

7:42

Like an open an nice forward in this

7:44

conversation I'm blaming you to for

7:46

keeping me, started on. this point

7:49

that the chilcot think you have a very

7:51

still have any for listening to sniff necessity

7:53

hated it is deeper level and

7:55

more impactful level If

7:58

if I view. Air of I'm blaming

8:01

air and a really, in essence, I'm seeing

8:03

her as both the problem

8:05

and the solution like you do

8:08

this. In

8:10

therefore, if you stop doing

8:12

that, everything will be fine, ah, yeah, I

8:14

spent. Well. I'll look at n

8:17

how many years did I spent

8:19

trying to convince you that you were

8:21

both the problem and the solution the as

8:23

good just come to me when you're.

8:25

Frustrated to sit gentle

8:28

way, the we could sit down and talk

8:30

the reasons that is that sounds reasonable.

8:32

Yes in rights I would say at

8:34

least the first eight years of our marriage but

8:37

would say in miss to getting triggered

8:39

and stepping into that well worn cycle

8:42

you. know that stuff still can come on Then,

8:45

so at the good news is, we both learned how to get

8:47

out of that path.

8:49

Then. Moon well, it is in

8:51

Sweden, the problem for me is when

8:53

I blame here and when see her as the problem

8:55

and the solution it makes me

8:58

powerless because. Then have to

9:00

figure out clever ways to manipulate

9:03

her, to do what want her to do and to

9:05

stop doing what don't want her to do

9:07

and whatever. It is, yeah, find snarky comments

9:09

help a lot by the way, do the abuse

9:11

you will be blamed fairly quickly, I go

9:13

viereck of when you do that, think.

9:16

"The other parts who's isn't a personal level

9:19

did blame I

9:21

think is rooted in pride again,

9:23

this sort of this notion that think

9:25

of that I'm right says. It's easier see

9:28

what she's doing it versus

9:30

really going yes, where the air and did

9:32

hurt me in this way or don't like it when

9:34

she does this if if. She comes at

9:36

me harsh it's okay for me the government really

9:38

like that. but constantly

9:41

i was focused on her so that

9:43

are missing Some

9:45

part of how I'm contributing

9:48

to the problems in his outside

9:50

of rare examples, it's hard to imagine

9:52

words just simply one hundred percent dispersants

9:55

faulty us in if I stay there

9:58

or even if I'm like fifty one. percent

10:00

cent air and only forty nine percent me

10:02

that they're still pride sector there in.

10:05

got opposes the proud And.

10:07

So will your spouse him versus

10:10

that humility means don't

10:13

like it when Aaron does this and this is

10:15

hurtful and was sure that weather but

10:17

also recognize that. I'm sure I'm contributing

10:20

in some way could be a family of origin may,

10:23

be I'm reacting day or and

10:25

based on maybe way the my mom talk

10:27

to me. Or her tone of voice or whatever could

10:29

be as simple as that. whatever

10:32

i can always go god No

10:34

search my heart revealed to me what's

10:36

really going on is that think that's how

10:38

you really good. Around the

10:41

need or the desire to blame him for,

10:44

appreciate your insides i'd even last

10:46

night and in and in were talking and

10:48

talking triggered her And. Instead

10:50

of me in reacting

10:52

to her elevated emotional

10:54

state I just I, can have backed

10:56

off and thought like just need to come back to

10:58

her the next day. Or two and to

11:01

say what was that about cause, realized

11:04

that realized might have actually been the problem

11:06

not, you sides

11:08

of appreciate what you're saying slow. At well

11:10

I'm taking it John is taking this to heart

11:13

disease. the slowdown don't

11:15

like when iran is where you're out god

11:17

is like thing them have dragged into a

11:19

half and mean into this moment

11:21

and us in hope that you can get to point You

11:24

know you'll set of looking through eyes of compassion

11:27

toward your spouse not blame what.

11:29

we want to encourage you to get copy of jewels

11:32

great book your next steps

11:34

it dives into mordor inspiring story

11:36

of how god restored their relationship

11:39

and were making that available today when

11:41

you make donation of any amount to the ministry

11:43

of focus on family we're here to support

11:45

marriages and you can join

11:47

us join that works and you'll find

11:50

all the ways to do that in the show notes

11:53

If you're struggling in your relationship,

11:55

we do have an amazing program

11:57

called Hope Restored, we talked about

11:59

it numerous. Then. Time here in the podcast and

12:01

elsewhere, it's key outreach

12:03

for the ministry: "We see God bring

12:05

broken marriages to these four day and

12:07

tenses and they

12:09

become healed and restored" And

12:12

there's life again, so if you need safe

12:14

place to figure that

12:16

stuff out some going to give us call

12:19

in, can tell you more about hope restored,

12:22

you'll. hear more jill and mark savages story

12:24

next time for now on behalf

12:26

of greg an air and smalley in the entire

12:28

team i'm john fuller in this has been

12:30

the focus on the family marriage podcast

12:37

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