0:00

This is the BBC. This

0:03

podcast is supported by advertising

0:05

outside the UK.

0:07

BELL RINGS

0:10

Parenting is an epic journey

0:13

of highs... CHILD LAUGHS ..and

0:17

lows.

0:18

CHILD CRIES Therapy

0:20

can help you navigate it all and take care

0:22

of yourself so you can be the best parent

0:24

possible. And BetterHelp makes it

0:26

easy. Complete a brief questionnaire,

0:29

match with a licensed therapist and switch

0:31

therapists any time for no additional charge. 100% online

0:35

and designed for maximum flexibility. Get

0:37

started at betterhelp.com

0:39

forward slash parenthood for 10% off

0:42

the first month.

0:43

BELL RINGS

0:47

BBC Sounds. Music, radio,

0:50

podcasts.

0:51

MUSIC People

0:54

of Britain, this is your Prime Minister,

0:57

as close to being AI as you can

0:59

humanly get. LAUGHTER So,

1:02

the three by-election results are in and

1:04

the Tories have made history. Yes,

1:07

by being the country's most unpopular

1:09

party since that one at Downing Street the

1:11

night before the Queen buried her husband. LAUGHTER

1:15

Look, I don't have to be doing this job,

1:17

you know. My socks cost more

1:19

than what you troglodytes earn in a

1:21

year. LAUGHTER

1:23

What's that? What we won? We

1:26

actually won one of the by-elections? Oh, come

1:29

on, this must be a prank. Yeah,

1:31

that's hilarious, guys. The party of

1:33

Nadine Doris, Lee Anderson, Jacob Rees-Mogg,

1:36

Nadim Zahawi, Dominic Raab and Boris

1:38

Johnson won her by-election. LAUGHTER It's

1:42

really true. Despite everything

1:44

we did, you still voted

1:46

for us. All I wanted to do was

1:48

achieve three spectacular by-election losses

1:51

by being cruddy so I'd have an excuse

1:53

to resign and spend the summer being stinking

1:56

rich by

1:56

the pool freebasing virgin mojitos.

1:59

But no.

1:59

You had to go and spoil that by

2:02

voting Tory fine, then

2:04

it's no more mr. Nice Rishi Forget

2:07

sending immigrants in the small boats to Rwanda

2:10

from tomorrow me and Suella are firing

2:12

them straight into the Sun We've

2:15

just gone up 11 points in the polls

2:30

Dead ringers

2:47

You're listening to today with Nick Robinson

2:49

and Michelle Hussein the big political

2:52

news this week is the by-elections I

2:54

have sad news to report from Uxbridge count

2:57

bin face did not win Could

3:00

have won Nick, but sadly

3:01

the fruitcake ludicrous novelty

3:03

vote was split You're referring

3:06

of course to the monster raving loony party.

3:08

No Lawrence Fox for reform

3:11

Do you even think he's real because

3:14

I don't and I'm a bit with

3:16

a face So

3:18

what does the future hold for count

3:20

bin face?

3:21

I'll do what all failed politicians who've

3:23

lost seven by-elections and you are a total

3:26

joke do Spend the rest of my days

3:28

moaning about coots closing down my bank account

3:40

Former Uxbridge MP Boris

3:42

Johnson joins me now mr.

3:44

Johnson. You must be relieved at the Conservative

3:46

Party held the seat

3:48

No, look if I'd have knew

3:50

that the people of Uxbridge were so

3:53

immune to indifference Incompetence

3:55

corruption and craniism I

3:57

would have run again myself

3:59

This is going to be my biggest regret since

4:02

I glimpsed Michael Fabrikant rubbing margarine

4:04

into his scalp.

4:07

Meanwhile, Labour are claiming it

4:09

was a great night for them. Sir Keir

4:11

Starmer joins me now. Yeah, you

4:14

know, we did well, but so what? That

4:18

wasn't really what mattered this week. Well,

4:20

what could be better than winning by-elections?

4:23

I received the endorsement of

4:25

Tony Blair. Things can only

4:28

get better. Tones,

4:30

as he said I could call him.

4:32

Well, it only turns out we like the

4:34

same things. Neoliberalism,

4:38

free trade, and it even

4:40

turns out we hate the same things. Which are? The Labour Party.

4:42

Oh,

4:46

they're so awful. Angry

4:49

and shouting and Corbiny. Oh, my

4:52

God, they never stop going on about benefits cuts and

4:54

the poor and helping the most

4:57

vulnerable.

4:57

Isn't that what the party

5:00

is about? What it was actually set up to

5:02

do? Yeah, right, as if I...

5:04

Oh, I've joined the wrong

5:07

party, haven't I? But,

5:10

Mr Starmer, off the back of these by-election

5:12

wins, you're

5:14

likely to be the next Labour Prime Minister. Oh,

5:16

God, this is like an episode of Black Mirror.

5:21

Please, Michelle, you have to make it stop.

5:24

Well, you could always step aside

5:26

and let Angela Rayner be Prime Minister. No, that's fine,

5:28

I'll do it. In

5:30

other news, Europe is in the grip of a killer heatwave, with

5:33

temperatures hitting 50 degrees. Spain

5:37

warned British tourists of the risk of dehydration,

5:40

sunstroke, and returning to the office looking

5:42

like David Dickinson. And

5:45

as wildfires raged across the continent, the

5:47

British government offered help. Yes,

5:50

gooey, gooey, gooey, always

5:52

nice down the road. Mr

5:55

Gove, what are we sending a British

5:57

fire crews to help tackle the wildfires

5:59

across the continent? Spain? No, we're sending

6:01

the cricket. Cricket?

6:04

We're moving the final ashes test from the oval

6:06

to Madrid. Five days of cricket means a minimum,

6:08

three days of rain guaranteed. The

6:13

scorching temperatures saw many holiday

6:15

makers opting for destinations where

6:17

the temperature was less fierce.

6:19

We can speak to the manager of one

6:21

such place, the devil. So...

6:24

LAUGHTER So,

6:29

devil, Hades is becoming a popular tourist

6:32

destination. It sure is. Hellfire

6:35

these days is relatively mild compared to

6:37

sweating it out in 50 degrees heat in Rome

6:39

or Athens. So, what can

6:41

Brit holidaymakers expect from their vacation

6:44

in hell? Torment and endless

6:46

torture. A million small humiliations

6:49

tearing at your soul as a thousand harpies

6:51

play the skin from your back. So, a bit like

6:53

a week in Benidorm, then. LAUGHTER Oh,

6:55

it's not that bad. Plus,

6:58

there's an all-you-can-eat buffet and cabaret

7:01

nightly from Cilla Black. The

7:03

suffering here never stops. LAUGHTER Anyone

7:06

who had a heart would hold me.

7:10

Faced with what he called baseless

7:12

smears and false accusations,

7:15

GB News presenter Dan Wootton apologised

7:18

for any past mistakes he'd made in

7:20

a statement addressing all his viewers.

7:23

Sorry, Jeff. Sorry, Margaret.

7:26

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE A

7:31

revolutionary new drug has been hailed

7:33

as a turning point in the fight against Alzheimer's

7:35

disease. We're joined on the line

7:37

by one of the participants in the recent

7:40

clinical trials.

7:41

Sharon, can you shut those bloody doors

7:43

up? I'm trying to talk to

7:45

the BBC. LAUGHTER

7:47

Ozzy Osbourne, I didn't know you

7:49

were involved. Me neither. I

7:52

just heard the words drug trials and volunteers.

7:54

LAUGHTER The

7:57

next thing I know, I remember everything from

7:59

the 70s.

7:59

The sold-out gigs, the bacchanalian

8:02

parties. I'm a change,

8:04

man, Michelle. Ozzy Osbourne, academic

8:07

philosopher, chess grandmaster.

8:10

LAUGHTER

8:10

So you'll be continuing to

8:13

take the drug? Well, I bollocks.

8:16

With memories like mine, it's best to forget, I'll

8:18

bit the head off a bad... Whacked

8:21

on the egg, will you, Sharon? I've got some

8:23

forgetting to do. LAUGHTER An

8:25

Apple iPhone from 2007 has sold at auction for

8:29

more than £145,000. Equivalent

8:33

to a three-year contract if you're with EE. LAUGHTER

8:37

Metta's President of Global Affairs,

8:39

Nick Clegg, has downplayed

8:41

the risks of AI, claiming current

8:44

models are quite stupid.

8:46

This from the man who believed David Cameron when

8:48

he said, it's a coalition of equals. LAUGHTER

8:51

AND APPLAUSE

8:55

MUSIC PLAYS You're

8:57

watching News Night with me, Kirsty Warke.

9:00

I don't want anybody else when I think

9:02

about you. I touch myself more

9:03

on that story later. So,

9:06

the by-election results are in, and

9:09

I'm joined now from Somerton and Froome by

9:11

someone who looks like a geriatric Tintin,

9:13

but is, in fact, Ed Davie, leader of the Liberal

9:15

Democrats.

9:16

LAUGHTER Fantastic

9:19

to be here, Kirsty. So I imagine you're very

9:21

pleased about the results. I'm giddy with excitement.

9:24

I'm on telly. People know who I am for

9:26

a whole day and a half. But

9:28

the best thing is, I can do another

9:30

metaphor. Another metaphor?

9:32

That's what these by-elections are all about. Powerful

9:35

Liberal Democrat visual metaphors for celebrating

9:38

our momentous victory.

9:39

I think it's actually about democracy.

9:42

Nuts to democracy. Now we've won Somerton and

9:44

Froome, what would better sum up a rural constituency

9:47

famous for sounding like an ITV detective

9:49

series than

9:51

doing a movie metaphor?

9:53

So, over there is

9:56

a pink car full of pink plastic

9:58

dolls. You're doing the bar? movie

10:01

exactly and the pink car represents

10:03

the Tories why doesn't matter

10:10

anyway the car is wired up with

10:12

explosives bullet Laila Moran's

10:14

giving me the thumbs up so all that

10:16

remains is for me to press down this

10:19

dear

10:21

100 megaton

10:27

nuclear explosion that's

10:29

the liberal Democrats obliterating the

10:32

Tories it's Oppenheimer

10:35

get it

10:37

Davey you seem to return the whole

10:40

of summer to noon and threw him into a pile of ash

10:42

well that's by elections Kirsty always

10:45

gets a bit dirty at the local level anyone

10:48

seen my skin

10:55

hello and welcome to earth

10:58

the BBC's newest big-budget natural

11:01

history series with me Chris

11:03

Packham a presenter for people

11:05

who think radishes have souls I'll

11:08

be taking you on a remarkable journey

11:11

back in time to a remote and

11:13

distant past throughout the

11:15

series

11:16

I'll be standing heroically on

11:18

cliff edges pointing at

11:20

things and speaking in

11:23

grandiose spine-tingling pros

11:26

that will make goosebumps rise at

11:28

the back of your neck not so

11:31

fast Ryan

11:35

Cox yes it's

11:37

me king of spine-tingling

11:39

pros look

11:42

I can do it with anything this

11:45

lump of dirt is the key

11:48

to a story that began millions

11:51

of years ago where the

11:53

great unimaginably powerful

11:55

forces of the universe

11:57

came together to create matter

12:00

for the very first time.

12:03

Rank amateur. Check this out. This

12:05

small, unassuming animal dropping

12:08

hides within its composition one of the great

12:10

mysteries of life itself

12:13

and ultimately how you and I came

12:15

into being. Bloody wannabes!

12:18

LAUGHTER Yes, it's

12:21

me,

12:22

God Himself. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

12:27

The OG of standing on

12:29

cliff edges, talking in grandiose,

12:32

sweeping spine-tingling prose. I'll

12:35

show you how an old master

12:37

does it. Go over there and stand

12:41

right on the edge of that very high

12:43

cliff. LAUGHTER That's it.

12:45

Further, further. Sorry,

12:48

don't... Just... Am I on here? Yes, yes,

12:50

that's it. Now, face

12:53

me. Imagine you're being

12:55

filmed by a swooping drone shot

12:57

from above and then say

12:59

the most rousing, almost tear-chucking,

13:02

sweeping observation you can think of. As

13:05

you are almost overcome with

13:07

awe, you take a step back.

13:10

LAUGHTER One, two,

13:13

three... FINE!

13:17

LAUGHTER

13:18

Oh, dear. I

13:21

think Chris and Brian have very tragically

13:24

become extinct. LAUGHTER

13:27

Now, where are we? Oh, yes. Cue

13:30

inspiring music. Check

13:33

the hair as you can point, stare

13:36

wistfully out into the middle distance and,

13:39

for every one of us, Attenborough is

13:41

back. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BEEP

13:49

Bonjour. You have reached

13:51

the European Court of Human Rights. Please

13:54

leave a message after the tone, or

13:56

don't. That's completely your choice, of course.

13:59

Well, well, well, you bloody

14:02

French woofers! It's Nigel Farage here. Ha!

14:04

Bet you never expected that. Now, you've

14:06

got to help me. I am the victim of the most grievous

14:09

infringement on my human rights. I

14:11

know you usually deal with whinging refugees

14:13

crying about, oh, someone's painted over my

14:16

Mickey Mouse murals. Well, boo-hoo-hoo,

14:18

Pedro! But my case is actually

14:20

serious. Coots have closed my bank

14:23

account just because I raised the

14:25

odd glass when a small boat sinks in the

14:27

English Channel. And I didn't even get a free pen!

14:29

Banks have gotten too woke, in my opinion. The

14:32

rots started when Lloyds picked a black horse

14:34

for their logo. I mean, it's multiculturalism

14:36

gone mad. LAUGHTER And

14:39

now they've cancelled me. Even women are allowed

14:41

their own bank accounts these days. But no,

14:43

no, not old Nige. Now, if you

14:45

really want to stand up for oppressed minorities, then

14:47

you need to start helping the most viciously

14:49

oppressed of the lot. Men like me,

14:52

who wear mustard-coloured waistcoats with

14:54

a side parting so severe it was approved

14:56

by the Third Reich. LAUGHTER To

14:59

our Farrausels! LAUGHTER CHEERING

15:02

AND APPLAUSE

15:07

You

15:30

can confidently shop for cars 100% online. Visit

15:33

carvana.com for all terms and conditions. We'll

15:35

drive you happy at Carvana.

15:37

Parenting is an epic journey...

15:40

of highs... LAUGHTER

15:43

..and lows. CRASH

15:46

Therapy can help you navigate it all and

15:48

take care of yourself so you can be the best

15:50

parent possible. And BetterHelp

15:52

makes it easy. Complete a brief questionnaire,

15:55

match with a licensed therapist and switch

15:57

therapists anytime for no additional charge. charge. 100%

16:01

online and designed for maximum flexibility.

16:04

Get started at betterhelp.com

16:06

forward slash parenthood for 10% off

16:08

the first month.

16:21

Hello

16:21

and welcome to Peston, where

16:24

every sentence I say is like a manual

16:26

car being driven by someone who learned

16:29

in an automatic.

16:33

The Labour Party is celebrating

16:36

victory in two of yesterday's

16:38

by-elections but questions remain

16:40

about its ambitions for government.

16:44

I'm joined by Sir Keir Starmer.

16:47

I'm glad to be here Robert and I make no apology

16:49

for that. In fact I am laser

16:52

focused on being here. You've

16:56

come under fire for saying a Labour

16:58

government would stick to harsh Tory policies

17:00

like the two-child limit for benefit

17:03

claimants.

17:03

Surely that's just electoral

17:05

positioning. No, no, no. I'm a man

17:07

of my word Robert. I've set out a

17:10

tepid and feeble agenda. And

17:14

if I were Prime Minister I would deliver

17:16

that tepid and feeble agenda. So

17:20

it's not a question of you trying to under

17:22

promise and over deliver. No, no. You

17:24

see when it comes to the whole promise slash

17:27

deliver equation we've basically got

17:29

four options. We over

17:31

promise and over deliver. We

17:33

over promise and under deliver.

17:35

We under promise and over

17:38

deliver. And that leaves

17:40

option four. To under promise

17:42

and under deliver. And that's my

17:45

strategy.

17:48

All the other options are either too difficult

17:51

or too tricksy but with this one I really

17:53

think we can pull it off. Well

17:56

that promised to be a damp squib of an interview

17:58

and that's exactly what

17:59

It is baaain. My work

18:02

here is done. From

18:09

the people who brought you Oppenheimer comes

18:11

another thrilling epic about a scientist

18:14

whose invention would change the world

18:16

forever. A warning from history

18:18

set in the early months of the pandemic.

18:22

Gentlemen, the moment has arrived.

18:25

The device is ready.

18:27

It's time to test it. Are

18:29

you sure about this, Professor Whitty? We

18:31

have no idea what it's capable

18:34

of. Who knows where this will end? That's

18:36

a risk I'm willing to take. See

18:38

you on the other side. Ready?

18:42

Next slide,

18:44

please. It

18:50

works. Next slide, please.

18:53

Next slide, please. Oh my word, it's

18:56

more powerful than I could possibly have imagined. Dear

18:59

Lord, what have I done with

19:01

my patented slide projection system?

19:04

I will be able to baffle the entire population of

19:06

the UK at the click of a button. Now

19:09

I am become boredom.

19:14

Creator of indecipherable

19:16

parabolas, destroyer of

19:18

nights out at the pub. And

19:21

if you think that's bad, wait till you see my pointer.

19:24

Welcome

19:31

to the repair shop, where stingy people

19:33

bring heirlooms they pretend to care about. To

19:36

get them fixed for free. This week,

19:38

Jay Blades is facing a unique challenge.

19:41

OK, all right, so, OK, now why

19:43

don't you tell us your name, a little bit about yourself and

19:45

what you brought into the repair shop today.

19:47

My name is Therese, I'm the Environment

19:49

Secretary. And

19:53

I've brought in the entire UK coastline.

19:58

OK, right, so. What exactly

20:00

is wrong with it then? It's full of shit. LAUGHTER

20:05

OK, I see, and you'd love us to

20:07

restore it to its former glory, would you? Well, I'm not

20:09

all that fussed about it, really, but sure, if you like, yeah.

20:12

LAUGHTER It's going to be a tough

20:14

one, we've got to work it out, but OK, OK, let's see

20:16

what we can do. Jay and his team stick

20:18

on some clothes pegs and get to work.

20:20

OK,

20:22

Trace, it's time to put us on your Christmas

20:24

card list, because we've only gone and done it. We

20:27

have fixed the UK coastline, feces-free

20:29

seas, from here on in.

20:31

OK. Yeah, you just need to

20:34

keep it clean now by giving it a bit of proper

20:36

investment. Well, I'm not sure

20:38

I can be bothered with that. I think I'll just let it

20:40

fill up with sewage again. Oh,

20:43

sewage? At the end of the day, it's just

20:45

a bit of poo. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

20:51

This is The World At One with me, Sarah Montague. Is

20:54

that a pot noodle? For your

20:56

lunch? Come on, people, standards. LAUGHTER

21:00

With temperatures across much

21:02

of Europe and America rising into the mid-40s, has the world failed in

21:04

its efforts to tackle the climate emergency? I'm

21:08

joined on the line by Swedish schoolgirl Greta Thunberg. Schoolgirl?

21:13

I am 20 years old now. Gosh, really, how time

21:16

flies. You must

21:18

be furious at how governments across the world

21:21

are failing to decarbonise as the world

21:23

burns. Oh, who cares? LAUGHTER

21:27

Sorry? You heard me. I'm 20 now. I

21:30

am an adult, and now I'm

21:32

officially allowed not to care. Let the

21:34

young people sort it out. I'm

21:36

a harassed grown-up with commitments. There

21:39

is so much pressure. I'm so exhausted. I

21:42

can't even be bothered putting

21:44

the recycling into the right bins. This

21:46

is so depressing, Greta, to hear

21:48

you being world-weary, exhausted

21:50

and cynical like the rest of us. Oh,

21:53

God, is that what I am now? A cynic?

21:59

Happens to us all, Greta. So

22:02

what next? For you, over the

22:04

next 30 years. Well, buying

22:07

your first flat, meeting someone, marriage,

22:09

first house, a mortgage you can't really afford, meaning

22:11

spirit-crushing hours at the office, then kids who

22:13

sat the lie from you until you forget who you are, your career

22:16

going sideways, disastrous affair with your Pilates

22:18

instructor in your mid-40s just to feel alive again,

22:20

menopause, messy divorce, and having to cash

22:22

in your pension to fund your parents going into care. LAUGHTER

22:25

AND APPLAUSE Shitting

22:29

hell! LAUGHTER Suddenly

22:32

I care about the planet again. May

22:34

it destroy itself as soon as possible.

22:37

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

22:42

You all

22:42

right, darling? Stacey Dooley

22:44

here. On tonight's

22:46

show, we're looking at the plight of people

22:49

whose purpose gets stripped away from

22:51

them in the blink of an eye.

22:54

My name's The Riddler, and I used

22:56

to be Batman's main adversary until the

22:58

Joker came along, whereas I would irritate

23:00

Batman with a tedious riddle. He'd blow up

23:02

a hospital. He was just way more evil than

23:04

me.

23:04

And The Riddler ain't the only cartoon

23:07

supervillain what's been out-eviled

23:09

by their successor. LAUGHTER

23:11

I'm Pretty Patel.

23:14

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Pretty

23:20

thought she was as evil as evil can

23:23

be, until her replacement

23:25

came along. I mean, I

23:27

did some pretty awful things when I was Home

23:29

Secretary. But when I heard

23:32

Sue Ella was planning to deport migrants

23:34

to Rwanda or bang them all up in a prison

23:37

barge, I thought to myself, I

23:39

cannot compete with that.

23:41

LAUGHTER Solemn overlong

23:43

nod to convey understanding. LAUGHTER

23:48

So how did you cope? Well,

23:51

it's difficult. I've always thought of myself

23:53

as the most evil being in the world. But

23:56

when I look at that bloody braverman, it makes me

23:58

feel, well,

23:59

almost... human. Over

24:02

the course of this series we'll be putting

24:04

pretty in contact with some of her fellow

24:07

out-eviled baddies to see if

24:09

by communicating together they

24:11

can heal and grow. It has

24:14

been really so helpful. Here

24:16

in Loki talk about seeing Thanos snap

24:19

away half of humanity. That really

24:21

put some things in perspective and

24:24

the green goblin and I've swapped whatsapp's

24:26

his definite friend for life.

24:36

Hello I'm Evan Davies. If

24:38

you catch me I have to give you my pot

24:40

of gold. First

24:45

up in the den is an internet whiz

24:47

kid and innovator. Hello

24:50

I'm Elon Musk an inflated John Barramundahl.

24:54

My company is called Twitter and it is an internet

24:56

platform where customers enjoy a wide range of betting

24:58

ads and hate speech. I'm asking for three

25:01

billion trillion dollars for a 1% share. Sarah Davies

25:05

raises immediate concerns.

25:06

Now listen Elon I have to be direct

25:09

here because I'm the type of no-nonsense

25:11

lady who might wear Givenchy but I get it at TK

25:14

Max. Now I don't

25:16

like your head and your hair looks like it's

25:18

made of polyester but putting

25:20

that aside what are your plans for the business?

25:23

I'm currently working on a strategy to alienate

25:25

users by locking them out of the platform and laughing

25:28

at them when they complain. Oh that's good you mean like

25:30

a banking app. Exactly. Sarah's

25:32

looking happy but that could mean she's thinking

25:35

about calligraphy. Tookah

25:37

Solomon is looking sweaty so

25:39

he's about to speak. It sounds impressive

25:42

but I need numbers. What

25:43

are your numbers? How big are they? They're the

25:45

biggest numbers I think you'll be impressed. I bought

25:47

the company for 40 billion and it has now lost 45 billion.

25:51

Those are big numbers. I like their fatness but

25:53

I'm already bored by what I'm saying so for

25:55

that reason I'm out. Definitely

25:58

I'm out and further my... I want you to run

26:00

away. So, Elon

26:03

leads with nothing. Hopefully there'll be no

26:05

more lunatics with social media platforms

26:07

joining us. Hello, dragons. I'm

26:09

Mark Zuckerberg.

26:16

You're listening to Woman's Hour with me,

26:18

Anita Rani. The Metropolitan

26:20

Police have outlined new measures to

26:22

identify and arrest London's 100 worst sexual

26:26

predators. We're joined now by

26:28

a serving Metropolitan Police officer, Detective

26:31

Constable Dorningford.

26:32

Hello, Anita. So, how

26:35

are you going to track down these sex offenders?

26:38

We've started off by compiling a detailed dossier

26:40

on them, and we already know their names, addresses

26:43

and occupations. Occupations? Yes,

26:45

these sexual predators come from all walks of life.

26:48

Let's see, I've got a list. Traffic

26:50

warden, police officer, police

26:54

officer... Police

26:56

officer, another police

26:58

officer, police officer,

27:02

police... All the rest are police officers. Ants

27:05

on me and me, I'm under arrest, I'm nicked.

27:07

DC Dorningford, have you just arrested

27:09

yourself? I have, you see, I'm an excellent

27:11

detective, but also, it turns out, a dangerous

27:14

predator. Really shouldn't have

27:16

to be me arresting myself, but there aren't any other

27:18

officers left to do it.

27:19

You're not going to tell me they've been... All been arrested,

27:21

yes. Right. And you're not complaining you can't

27:23

trust the police these days. APPLAUSE

27:32

Hello, I'm Dr Michael Mosley.

27:36

And this is Just One Thing, where

27:38

I'll explore one simple thing you

27:40

can do today to improve your health

27:43

and wellbeing. With all this

27:45

social media and all the gadgets and gizmos,

27:48

it'll be easy to think we're more connected

27:50

than ever. But studies show that

27:52

feelings of loneliness are at an all-time

27:54

high. There's evidence that social

27:57

isolation can be as damaging to your health

27:59

as possible.

27:59

as smoking. So it's more

28:02

important than ever to connect with others.

28:04

Which brings me to this week's tip. Why

28:07

not join a gang? My

28:13

social lives received a wonderful boost

28:15

since joining the South London Bastards.

28:20

Living with my crew certainly puts a

28:22

spring in my step. And I've

28:24

made tons of new chums.

28:26

Little Maniac, Grindr, Nasty

28:29

Boy, Mr Scissors, Crazy Dan

28:31

the Butcher Clown, Trouble Tim,

28:34

Sir Psycho, Bad Baby, Mad

28:36

Dog and Alistair. I

28:41

feel so cheery when we're giving our rivals

28:43

from the Chalk Farm Crips crew a good

28:46

roughing up. You

28:48

hear that boys? You play on our turf,

28:50

you're going to suffer bitches. They

28:54

don't call me Little Doctor Whack for nothing.

28:56

So there you go. Try

28:59

it for yourself. Just don't come near

29:01

our turf if you don't want to get murked.

29:04

Join me next time when I'll be seeing if I can

29:06

reduce stress by sprinkling some smack

29:09

on my musley.