The internet helps us answer so many questions. Probably you can even think of a question the internet has answered for you if you really think hard about it. Today I’m going to give back. I will help the internet provide the answer to the important question: “Who is Greatest Sports Band?”

Through my diligent research, I have come to know three sports bands:

1. Sports

2. sports.

3. SPORTS

That’s right. There are three bands named after the word “sports”. For the purposes of my academic study, the first one, Sports, doesn’t matter. Thus, there are two remaining sports bands: sports. and SPORTS.

To decide which is the greatest between the two, I will ask myself a series of questions. I will then answer my own questions, and assign points to my own answers. The band that receives the higher amount of points will officially hold the title of “Greatest Sports Band”.

Who has better song titles?

Naming the music you create is an extremely important aspect of creating music; how else will one be able to identify and know what to call your music? I have a preternatural ability to identify an album’s best songs simply by looking at the song titles and deciding which song title is hinting at a good song. Maybe bands spend more time naming good songs than bad songs?

Let’s look at some of the stalwart song titles featured by both bands:

SPORTS: Tiny Planets, Sunchokes, and Clean Socks

SPORTS has some good song titles. Planets are typically large, not tiny = good song title. I didn’t know that a “sunchoke” was a Jerusalem artichoke until I Googled it just now to see if it was even a word. Learning is fun = good song title. Clean socks are better than dirty socks = good song title.

sports.: Matt Damon, Spooky Damon, Good Will Haunting, Illinoisy, Mo Vaughn (He Was a Baseball-Man)

sports. has some great song titles. The band is from Boston (more on this later) which is a city famous for being the backdrop of a Matt Damon movie. They utilize some clever wordplay between the relationship between Matt Damon, Boston, and general spookiness to craft some masterful song titles. Fun wordplay = 10/10 song titles.

Illinois is a state. Noisy is an adjective used to describe music sometimes. Illinoisy is a combination of both things. Fun wordplay = 10/10 song title.

Mo Vaughn is a now retired baseball player who played in the 90s and notable won a MVP during his tenure with the Boston Red Sox. It is obvious to people who know baseball that Mo Vaughn was a baseball man. Redundancy = great song title.

+1 Point for sports.

Who is more emo?

Emo is short for “emotional” in the context of music. While it seems like the word “emotional” could refer to many varieties of music, “emotional” or emo music is best known for overly emotional lyrics and a brief stint in popular music during the early 2000s.

SPORTS style of music is a country-influenced type of pop punk. Their song lyrics are usually about relationships which can be very emotional things to deal with.

sports. style of music is an uptempo, hardcore interpretation of math rock. Their song lyrics are mostly about sadness and refusing to leave one’s bedroom. Sadness is an emotion and refusing to leave one’s bedroom is an act (or rather inaction) that is often a result of one’s emotions.

While it can be determined that both bands are certainly singing about emotional topics in their lyrics, singing about sadness and refusing to leave one’s bedroom would be considered more “emo”. If you don’t understand the distinction already, it’s too difficult to explain.

+1 Point for sports.

Who have I seen live?

Unfortunately, I have yet to see either band play a live show; however, I will be seeing SPORTS live at Rumba Cafe in Columbus, Ohio today! sports. sucks for not playing a show in Ohio. SPORTS is cool for playing a show in Columbus.

+1 Point for SPORTS

Who is from Ohio?

SPORTS is from Gambier, Ohio. Gambier is a village in central Ohio that is notable for being the location of a liberal arts college named Kenyon College. I saw STRFKR play a live show for the first time at Kenyon College. That was cool.

+1 Point for SPORTS

Who (probably) has the best Boston accent?

I can’t confirm this research, but if I had to guess which band has a better Boston accent, I would guess that the band from Boston does.

+1 Point for sports.

Who’s music have a listened to more on Google Play?

SPORTS has two albums on Google Play: All Of Something and Sunchokes

sports. has one album on Google Play: Demon Daze

Thanks to Google Play’s “Play count”, I am able to add up all of the times I have listened to the songs on each of these albums. Below is the count as of right now.

• All Of Something = 172 songs listened to
• Sunchokes = 33 songs listened to
• Demon Daze = 163 songs listened to

Adding the two SPORTS albums together equals 205 songs listened to versus 163 for sports.

+1 Point for SPORTS

Best Twitter account?

SPORTS Twitter handle is @bestsportsband and sports. Twitter handle is @RealSportsBoys

SPORTS has tweeted 2,256 times and sports. Has tweeted 2,304 times

SPORTS joined in June 2015 and sports. joined Twitter back in March 2014.

SPORTS has 2,160 followers and follows 668 accounts (3.23x more followers than follows) and sports. has 870 followers and is following 226 accounts (3.85x more followers than follows).

However, in terms of scoring, these stats are useless. While sports. retweeted me one time, SPORTS seems to be more active since I started following both bands and is slightly more humorous.

+1 Point for SPORTS

Who has better hair?

Ultimately, the winner of this question should receive +100 Points because HAIR IS FUCKING ROCK AND ROLL BABY!!!!!!!!! Apparently, the jury is still out though.

@GreatClips Please help me decide something important. Whose hair is better? pic.twitter.com/W4fhMfDDCJ

No Points awarded

Who makes best music?

This question is maybe even more important than you think. Some might even say that the band that makes the best music is the best sports band. While those people are wrong, they are at least asking themselves which sports band is greatest and that is a good start.

SPORTS has three albums on Bandcamp: SPORTS (live recordings), Sunchokes, and All Of Something

I love SPORTS for their earnest lyrics and quick, poppy punk rock songs. Sunchokes features some funny lyrics and passionate vocal delivery alongside playful guitar licks. On All Of Something, SPORTS crafts tighter songs. The vocal delivery is again passionate and thoughtful with a touch of Southern twang. The guitars are a little more slidey and more country-influenced. Both feel Midwest and are beautiful to me.

sports. also has three recordings on Bandcamp: Demon Daze, We'll Get to it Eventually, and 3 Way Split

Demon Daze is incredibly well-constructed and absolutely rocks. The guitars are incredibly slidey and the vocals are incredibly whiney in the best way possible. Demon Daze packs a powerful punch of emo and its truly spectacular. We'll Get to it Eventually and 3 Way Split are not as notable, but are worth taking a listen. 

Both bands are dope at making music.

No points awarded

FINAL TALLY

SPORTS total Points = 4

sports. total Points = 3

Clearly, SPORTS currently holds the title of “Greatest Sports Band”. Maybe if sports. EVER CAME TO FUCKING COLUMBUS I would reevaluate the scoring. Also, if either band ever became a friend of the pod, they would surely become the Greatest Sports Band. Until then, congratulations to SPORTS - I’m fully stoked to see them live tonight.