0:00

I recorded this week's episode of

0:02

the podcast on the day of my

0:04

first born daughter's birthday. lay I just

0:07

turned seven. It was a very

0:09

emotional day for me. I can't

0:11

believe seven years have passed since I

0:13

became a mother for the very first

0:15

time. And the also means that

0:17

this podcast is seven years old.

0:19

To some today's episode I reflect on

0:22

what life has been like for these

0:24

past seven years and I talk about

0:27

parenting through different phases of our

0:29

lives. I also share of really

0:31

hilarious. Story about that time when Lee I

0:33

decided to move away from home. Yeah, that

0:35

really happened. I think we have a glimpse

0:37

into what her teenage. Years might be like.

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here we are sure

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your care. I am

2:36

welcome to of brand

2:38

new episode of From

2:40

the Heart. Where's your

2:42

forever and ever and

2:44

ever emotional host Rachel?

2:46

Briefing: Hi hello. Sisters

2:50

sitting. Here about this

2:52

speak some the heart with

2:54

the my most open, vulnerable

2:57

emotional hearts ever. I have

2:59

spent all morning crying. Into

3:02

saying that makes me

3:04

want to cry again.

3:06

This city is my

3:08

daughter's birthday, my first

3:10

borns birthday, my little

3:13

moon, Seventh. Seventh

3:16

spin around the sun. How

3:19

did that happen? I

3:22

I wish I started at

3:24

where I wish I was

3:26

able to start this podcast

3:28

a little bit more excited

3:30

because it also means it

3:32

is our birthday. It is

3:34

the podcasts birthday Is is

3:36

our Psyllids birthday. This podcast

3:38

was born. A week after li

3:40

elude it was born. So technically. I

3:42

guess next week's podcast episode should be

3:45

our big seven year anniversary. but it's

3:47

always. you know and lay, a Lunar

3:49

has a birthday. The podcast as a

3:52

breathtaking. That conception of both happen at

3:54

the same time. Really

3:56

does not as the birth of

3:59

both but. Conception of both

4:01

when I got pregnant was the first time

4:03

I started. To really want to record a

4:05

podcast. And then it took like nine

4:07

or ten months of. Figuring

4:10

everything out and. Sitting on

4:12

that idea and trying to convince all

4:14

of my people that I was a

4:16

good idea, I would find the time or

4:18

less russell full and busy. Then I

4:20

remember done as thought it was a really

4:23

crazy stupid idea. How on earth would

4:25

I find the time to do that every.

4:27

Single week consecutively with no

4:29

break. Like and like crazy Yeah everyone

4:32

I talked to was like no no

4:34

no That is just yet another thing.

4:36

That you're putting your plate that's gonna feel we

4:38

the overwhelming after a while. But

4:40

the wrong it is it

4:43

has turned out or proved

4:45

to be probably the single

4:47

one thing I do this

4:50

every week that doesn't feel

4:52

overwhelming. That doesn't feel like

4:54

work, that doesn't feel like something the sauce

4:56

to get done. but. That actually is

4:59

a sees little corner of the

5:01

world where I can speak from

5:03

the heart and say are freely

5:06

and pose a question or have

5:08

a discussion or just open up

5:10

about what's moving inside of my

5:12

heart a little. My mind. It's

5:16

basically therapy. And

5:18

it's therapy in community which is the

5:20

most magical part of all time. Assists

5:24

the hosts Happy pretty.

5:26

Much seventh Birthday. All of you.

5:28

I would love to know if

5:30

any one of you who it's

5:32

anyone who's listening right now Have

5:34

you. Been. Here for seven

5:37

years. I.

5:40

Tell. Me: I

5:43

would love to know, like, who's here for

5:45

the first episode, and Haklick actually stuck around

5:48

to simulate there is a lot there's. Lot

5:50

of us here to this little circle. And

5:53

of. Pills

5:56

Amazing. I mean feels amazing and

5:58

also I have been. All

6:00

morning. Because. It's lay

6:02

as birthday today. March

6:05

Thirteenth As I'm recording this, you're

6:08

Gonna Be listening To These

6:10

Leader But March Thirteenth, I. Cannot.

6:12

Believe. I. Honestly like I've

6:14

I've just been sitting with like my

6:17

mouth I don't. The for like my

6:19

mobo but of morning like how. How

6:21

did seven years pass? So.

6:24

Quickly. How did

6:26

seven years pass? In. The

6:28

blink of an overnight. Like literally,

6:31

it happened so fast and it's

6:33

also been. The. Most

6:35

slow and present and delicious

6:37

years of my life. Like

6:39

a really feel like that

6:41

saying the days. Are long but

6:44

the years or sort is so absolutely

6:46

true. And I

6:48

was looking through pictures this

6:50

morning. Of her first though, I

6:52

started by. Watching a little snippet

6:55

of her birth video, we only have a

6:57

tiny little clip. Which is

6:59

really funny because we had a

7:01

whole like my my do a

7:03

lot of friend of mine kelly

7:05

who assist the most amazing space

7:07

holder during live births See had

7:09

a whole big to write pod

7:11

set up with a proper camera

7:13

and. I hadn't really given it a

7:15

lot of thought, I just knew I wanted the moment

7:18

on film. I never in a million

7:20

years thought ever I would say or anything. it

7:22

wasn't like they are being born, was like hey

7:24

I want the whole thing produce. I

7:27

want a not my dream for bears

7:29

birth was the have every single moment

7:31

of it somehow recorded so I could

7:33

really be livid and watched it back

7:35

him you know. I didn't know that

7:37

if I would want to share anything at all, but Isis really? Wanted

7:40

to capture at all. When Leah

7:42

was born, Isis was really focused on

7:44

the giving birth part of and Disney

7:46

like I would love at least the

7:48

photo or. Two or something. But

7:50

the idea of. Guess. They the

7:53

of like having a birthday yourself really far away.

7:55

And then how to sell things and

7:57

folded it became really. It's just.

8:00

There wasn't really opportunity for anyone

8:02

to press record. I'm. A camera

8:04

of to film. So the only

8:07

little snippets we have literally from

8:09

the whole birth we have like

8:11

one tiny five second clip of

8:14

just me and done as like

8:16

swaying together and then. There

8:19

is a clip from.

8:22

The. Moment like not

8:24

her. emerging. But as

8:26

I like. At the they held so

8:28

I grabbed her beneath her armpits like I

8:30

grabbed yeah the sight of her torso and

8:32

as a pull her up and get our

8:34

on my chest. From. That moment.

8:37

We have and it's also very short. Videos like

8:39

twenty seconds long or something and we

8:42

hear her making her little first exclamation

8:44

to the world which was this is

8:46

this magical sound I can we play

8:48

it again and again and again. Only

8:51

got say play right now Can we the

8:54

plate for you right? bow of really cry

8:56

am. Okay, Are

8:58

you ready? Hear? Hear it,

9:00

it. Still,

9:17

Making recruits that me Juri

9:19

Gray, big, big Sat Pierces.

9:21

Really though it seeks. Like

9:23

that little legs. I literally felt like

9:26

she was saying. Hi to the World.

9:29

And. That moment like that? This is

9:31

it. That's what. a half of her

9:33

birth? I don't have anything else. It's

9:36

a whole just inlay. Imprinted.

9:38

In my DNA for as long

9:41

as a live with that moment

9:43

like I was just watching this

9:45

video again and again and then

9:47

is is behind me. I

9:50

just have roommates us than I'm just

9:52

in awe. And

9:54

I tell her if so perfect,

9:56

it's. Perfect. Become so.

9:59

And so. Blown into. Pieces

10:01

you know by this experience

10:03

which was so hard. So

10:06

challenging and so beautiful. I

10:09

really feel like the past year and a

10:11

half I've been. Sort of reliving this

10:13

birth so many times and really, for

10:16

the first time in my life been

10:18

able to unpack the things that weren't.

10:21

Amazing! The things that were really hard

10:23

all the ways. I didn't feel heard

10:25

all of that recess spoken about at

10:27

length on this podcast is leading up

10:29

to choosing of free birth there and.

10:32

Opting out of the medical system

10:34

and all of that I really

10:36

feel like have been over this

10:38

birth so many times and today

10:40

this morning as that was watching

10:42

these videos I really arrived at

10:44

ceiling so at peace. I.

10:47

Feel so at peace with her

10:49

birth. No. I

10:51

don't feel any resentment for

10:54

what could have been. Or

10:56

how things could have been different

10:58

or should have been different Or.

11:02

You know how I wasn't listen to or

11:04

all those things that can really feel. Like

11:06

I spent this past year unpacking

11:08

that so much and being honest

11:10

about what actually happened. And how

11:13

I truly felt for the first time.

11:15

And now as they watch those videos

11:17

like this feels so. Grateful

11:19

As So grateful I feel

11:21

so grateful that. She

11:24

came into the world exactly the way she

11:26

did. That I

11:28

mean, if anything, this full circle of.

11:31

Starting their and then ending

11:33

with free birthing bear at

11:35

home in the bathroom, Bills

11:38

feels like such a full

11:40

circle experience. In. If it

11:42

hadn't been exactly the way it

11:44

was with Layer Than Bears birth

11:46

would have been completely different and

11:48

it all feels so seeded, know

11:50

and like it was absolutely supposed

11:52

unfold the way it did. And

11:56

themselves so so happy.

11:59

seats. Here you know.

12:03

Answer: So happy we get sir

12:05

we get to live life with

12:07

this amazing little moon Was just.

12:10

See such a peculiar kid. And

12:14

I say that would so

12:16

was love. Obviously what's he

12:18

is see something This kid.

12:21

Know he just. I

12:24

know everyone loved her children

12:26

and everyone's. Our

12:29

children are so magical in their own

12:31

special way. And lay I just since

12:33

he was born and I feel like

12:36

cease to had her own little sprinkle

12:38

of of magic. In

12:40

a way that and I don't want to hate

12:42

on their obviously, I can never in a million

12:44

years hit paid on their I love of so

12:46

what he. Me they but looking

12:48

at like say i was see

12:51

was his eight it it's night

12:53

and day like they were so

12:55

different and looking at those little

12:58

little. Videos a little photos of her when

13:00

she was. Just born. And

13:02

See basically came out of the

13:04

womb talking and didn't stop talking.

13:07

See was the way bears talking

13:09

now at like eight months su

13:11

he was like that some day

13:13

one to this is like doodling

13:16

and hollering around like that. See,

13:18

never stop talking sources blabbing away

13:20

from. Day one still won't stop talking like

13:22

see was born as as never set up. As

13:26

he was so alert place he was

13:28

so awake and really it's a big

13:31

difference. Between the two of them, a

13:33

he was so it's Hill and Senate

13:35

in his own little cuckoo really, really

13:37

long time whereas. I looked

13:39

at as video of her wishes like

13:41

a few hours old see cysts bearings

13:43

to raid out. Me in of these

13:46

big eyes says really. Quite. Who

13:48

are you? You know. And

13:51

smiling from she was a week old

13:53

and giggling really early. I'm laughing like

13:56

all of that Isis took longer for

13:58

their to come out of. Michelle

14:00

and I really feel like she

14:03

was born this extroverted person just

14:05

signing brightly and ready to take

14:07

on the whole entire world. And

14:12

looking Adam if you hear pc hear anything in

14:14

the background, see her and need like. Ambient

14:17

noise. It's the baby monitor bear

14:20

sleeping in the stroller outside. Where

14:22

is where he lives? Basically. And

14:25

we have so many birds outside and especially

14:27

these. Are called in

14:29

English but there are. it's. Not a

14:31

falcon, but it really looks. Like

14:33

a falcon, it's not an

14:35

eagles, like an inbetween falcon,

14:37

an eagle kinda thing. I'm

14:40

really big meat eating predatory

14:42

birds who like. To

14:44

eat mice and stuff like that. but they yet

14:47

circle about the house all day or be of

14:49

this field right by our house. And

14:51

think this, that's how they hunt and they make

14:53

these amazing voices. but I hear them on the

14:56

baby monitor anyway says it sounds like I'm sitting

14:58

with a ginormous bird and my lap as because.

15:01

Because the listening to bear. This

15:06

so is sponsored by Better Hope. With.

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The first thing he would do if you had an extra.

15:11

Hour in your day. I would spend

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this our in the morning to move

15:15

my body. I would. Get on my yoga

15:17

mat and do my yoga practice. all by.

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Myself each and every day. A

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to you and make it a priority.

15:36

Therapy can help you find what matters

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to you see, can do more of

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it. That is honestly what a lot

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of my therapy sessions involves. Putting things

15:45

into perspective. A lot of a

15:47

spend so much time focusing on the problems in our

15:49

lives that we waste time The could be spent on

15:51

the beautiful things. That we actually have. Therapy

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has helped me refrain my life notice

15:56

what's really important and set strong boundary

15:59

slay. Avoid. Or simply wasting my

16:01

time. The more a practice, the more I

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Yoko. But. Anyway,

16:40

it is watching these these

16:43

photos Today's I. I got take

16:45

such a trip. Down memory lane and I just

16:47

was looking like at her through the years.

16:49

Something I love doing which is such an

16:51

amazing feature on the I phone. Is

16:54

when you favorite a photo of her many.

16:56

Of you Do this to hear you just

16:58

heart a photo in your photo album. And

17:01

they tend to do that. And I have. For years

17:03

and years and years has like when I've

17:05

taken photos they are dealt with a silver

17:07

coin and they put it there. And that

17:10

means from all the two hundred thousand photo

17:12

they literally have on my phone I'm not

17:14

kidding, there's two hundred thousand photos on my

17:16

phone if I go to the Fever it's

17:19

album. There's just like those extra special one

17:21

that I've chosen like I love this one

17:23

and scrolling through the heart it's just a

17:25

small her album and all the photos are

17:28

amazing. It's like magic moments all throughout. I

17:30

was looking at from cat from when she was.

17:32

Born to her first and second and third

17:35

and fourth and fifth and sixth year And

17:37

how seats How. She developed and how

17:39

is he grew and how all

17:41

throughout she still has that seem.

17:44

Like cheeky, curious and then serious

17:46

soy full talkative spirit like it's

17:48

been the same. Really truly had

17:51

the essence that I see in

17:53

her now was always there from

17:55

the moment he was born. And

17:59

I. He misses calling my

18:01

eyes out at the magical lives

18:04

that we have had. How

18:06

amazing her upbringing has been so

18:08

far. All the things he

18:10

got to see. And. Because her

18:13

birthday is now in a March thirteenth,

18:15

we. Used to always being close to retire

18:17

right before her birthday as we did and

18:19

Vision Festival in Costa Rica every single year.

18:22

And then I mean for over

18:24

a decade. Like every single year

18:26

always there for there's always like

18:28

photos of her right? it before

18:30

her birthday, from a waterfall or

18:32

climbing a mountain somewhere where the

18:34

magical beats are like with a

18:36

monkey. or we just have so

18:38

many some memories from traveling so

18:40

months and. I

18:42

just felt like wow wow And

18:45

here she. Is as he seven

18:47

years old and see has turned

18:49

into this little. And

18:52

she's a cool girl. Now, I'm

18:54

not entirely prepared for this, but

18:56

all of a sudden. Like.

18:58

Clothes have to be a certain thing and

19:00

I can even define what it is Like

19:02

friends of mine and family they're asking like

19:04

oh, but so what does she want for

19:06

her birthday? And like was like she

19:08

wants to be cool. But.

19:10

Like what so explodes or Julian like yeah,

19:13

stuff like that he's asking for meet up.

19:16

Some really trying to. Play

19:18

with and be playful around. that also rain

19:20

in a little bit. And

19:23

I'm I bought this like. I

19:26

don't wear perfume may have had for many years

19:28

but when we were in Spain know I bought

19:30

this like body. Spray. Like

19:32

an organic lavender body sprints or

19:34

something. It's like a full body

19:36

perfume things as this barely perfume

19:39

everyday. Like every morning she goes

19:41

into the bathroom she does her

19:43

hair as he wants her hair

19:45

and be unreal. Lake. Crazy

19:48

ways like that. Yesterday she wanted,

19:50

you know, pig pig. Tails like

19:52

soup. You know you have one person

19:54

one as high. Pigtails on either side

19:56

like above the ear. but the thing

19:58

is she only wanted one. And

20:01

I'm the other half of her hair

20:03

was just supposed to hang street down

20:05

behind her ear. And then

20:07

one little lock of hair in the

20:10

very front. Ninety. Style and I'm like

20:12

the didn't like half a hairdo. That's

20:15

what she wanted. You don't mention anything, you

20:17

know you don't see anything like seat as

20:20

one for she wants. This is very clear

20:22

about it as he wants perfume. And

20:24

will my friend I go where we can to get her

20:27

like like what kind of close with? I would love to

20:29

go shopping for some quotes for her but what's her style

20:31

and. I'm like I'd have no clue like

20:33

see is still figuring that out like I

20:35

for sure. No, it's not girly girl he

20:38

but it's also not like. I

20:40

don't know what it is like. see

20:43

just like gas. Today she's wearing. These

20:45

like clean of. Bag. He needed.

20:48

Pants. That

20:50

we were not explain them and their

20:52

glitter. Their. Baggy

20:54

Crochet glitter pants.

20:59

Like what? So how with

21:01

like a big. Oversized t

21:03

shirt but the t shirts have like hearts

21:06

on it and it's kinda cute. And then

21:08

she wanted a bow and her hair today.

21:11

I don't know what her slightly like. she's just figuring

21:14

it out the she's kind. Of at analyses

21:16

watching monster hi it's like a

21:18

So on idol. I think it's

21:20

Nickelodeon and or Netflix. They feels

21:22

to me like a teenage. Show

21:24

like is a little little for it. And

21:27

she thinks those girls for the coolest girl she has

21:29

ever seen. Oh My. God. And he listens to the

21:31

soundtrack in the music as he does the. Dance

21:33

and it's like a whole thing and

21:35

I just feel like everything is suddenly

21:37

happening. so. It

21:40

was five seconds ago. she was

21:42

so little. I. Feel like we

21:44

moved to Sweden? Those. Five minutes

21:46

ago. But she was. She was literally four

21:48

years old when we came here. How.

21:51

On next year's he's lived

21:53

half her life and Sweden

21:56

for the Schism explain how.

21:58

This time moved. The quickly. And

22:01

I think now that we have bear

22:03

it's is becoming more and more obvious

22:06

the seasonal little anymore and his little

22:08

obviously seven. but she's not little little

22:10

anymore as I am just not prepared.

22:13

I was not ready. I'm not ready

22:15

for this. At

22:17

All. And ceiling so many feelings

22:19

today and. Love

22:22

her so much So we're having a

22:25

dinner party tonight! This is like another

22:27

thing where before she would want to

22:29

have a yard birthday party like a

22:31

kids' parties know she wants to have

22:33

a dinner party as he only wants

22:35

to invite one friend. And

22:39

every well as adults. So she wants

22:41

her aunts and uncles, her grandparents. Are

22:43

flying in from Holland and Grandma's coming!

22:46

My mom. And. Then my best

22:48

friend, who's kind of like her godmother, but. Technically.

22:50

Not her godmother. And

22:53

she was ever a dinner party like where

22:55

we all sit around and nice table and

22:57

we drink out of the nice wine glasses

23:00

and we serve many courses and like

23:02

see to stuff was to the. And

23:05

I feel like I'm in a blink as

23:07

he's gonna be sitting around that. With

23:09

all like cool girl girl friends as

23:12

he's gonna be a teenager and it's

23:14

gonna be like a whole new chapter.

23:16

face it's already a new chapter. And

23:19

I just. I. Don't know. I feel

23:21

like. I know I'm thirty

23:23

five. That into my

23:25

mind. I'm still like twenty two. And

23:28

I don't know how I can be twenty two and have.

23:30

A seven year old kid who's like gonna

23:32

be a teenager. Like

23:35

these things to not compute and my brain

23:37

I just, I don't know. How to deal

23:39

with the newly built. A

23:42

Yeah, we have had a weeknight.

23:44

a really emotional week. I don't

23:46

even though yeah, obviously we had

23:48

a Pisces Moons. He's a Pisces.

23:50

There's like a lot of astrological

23:52

things going on. I'm in a

23:54

Saturn Square, which is something that

23:56

I. Just haven't really entered

23:58

into. There's like

24:01

a transformational transformational time.

24:03

Certain emotional time. and

24:05

I'm. An example of this

24:07

is like this to me of since. I

24:10

I don't know how to tell the

24:12

story and lot of like be serious

24:14

about it but yesterday we were homes

24:16

everybody's a little sick. Bear

24:19

had his first cold and I just kinda went

24:21

away and then came back with a vengeance which

24:23

I don't know. If. It's the same cold earth

24:25

that an old an up something else home from

24:28

school had. I don't know. When. I've

24:30

really seen tons of people so it's not

24:32

like having a kid in kindergarten in that

24:34

way, you know? But anyway, he had his

24:36

first call to spend ten a rough sleepers

24:38

as usual house, etc etc. Were

24:40

all a little bit emotional? I had my

24:42

period. As they said last week, And

24:45

was feeling all the feals around that and

24:47

then I was home but both kids yesterday

24:49

is lay out a cough and see I

24:51

tell her he I'm gonna go do some

24:53

yoga the want to come up with me

24:55

or the one thing sign on what's movie

24:57

as he goes i was dance i know

24:59

what some of the and then I'll join

25:01

your site and we can put. That

25:04

okay, we'll play after yoga and then for

25:06

a. Variety of reasons I just took me awhile

25:08

to get to the mat. like you know how

25:10

that is like pulling the be down and then

25:12

all get a load. The dishwasher, And his mom

25:15

stuff that he just took me awhile

25:17

to get out there. And.

25:19

Then I get on the map as she comes

25:21

out his a family to play now. And

25:24

I'm like a high I haven't started. may have a practice. It

25:26

I'm going to practice practice my yoga

25:28

first as he goes know we're doing

25:30

this twelve the yoga Tell him that

25:32

yoga role.com It's awesome. And

25:34

it means I'm just very, very

25:36

committed to my practice where normally.

25:39

If she's like I want to play I would

25:41

probably just like okay we'll pay you to way

25:43

would have done in a normal day I would

25:45

have just grabbed her yoga mat and put it

25:47

next to mine like a list of a little

25:49

yoga together and then that would have turned into

25:51

play and it would have given me like. Ten

25:53

or fifteen minutes oh my mouth. and then we would

25:55

have played and on something else. But.

25:57

Now I'm like hey, I'm doing this so.

26:00

I really want my forty six minutes

26:02

cause the classes on a rebuild. Our

26:05

com are all like around forty five

26:07

minutes and I know bears him sleep.

26:09

About that time Some like know,

26:11

you know, Mom of going to

26:13

do yoga haven't done yoga yeah has take has

26:15

some things and then she's like the you told me

26:17

you were gonna go to yoga and then we were

26:19

going to play and I'm ready to play now

26:21

and as a yes and I know I'm sorry

26:23

it's taking a little while but I'm gonna go on

26:26

my map and after will play she does looks.

26:28

At me as his like I can tell by

26:30

her face is bullshit like basically and I get

26:32

it from her point of view. like see I

26:34

told her I was going to start now and

26:36

so and so so. She's that

26:38

wrong is just a little delayed right?

26:41

She's not super peace and. She's

26:44

like. Well then I don't want to

26:46

with you at all anymore. I only want to

26:48

play now. or I don't want to play at

26:50

all. And then I'm like standing for

26:52

with my boundary like okay okay I'm sorry you

26:54

feel that way. That's okay. If you don't want

26:56

to play with me anymore, that's okay. We will

26:59

find something else to do. I would love to

27:01

play with you after my practice. And

27:03

then I just turn around. And I

27:05

start practicing yoga. They

27:08

read really have to flake as he gets imported

27:10

that a sick to my word and all the

27:13

things. See so lamb the door

27:15

full on full door slam and bears

27:17

sleeping. We don't slam the door especially

27:19

like in this house will some doors

27:21

ever but we'll send the dorm and

27:23

they're sleeping season. Really really good at

27:25

like being mindful around his absence that

27:27

he just slammed the door. The house

27:30

shakes. And I'm like, oh

27:32

he's he's pistol at final exit see

27:34

can be upset leaps okay sonos practicing

27:36

yoga, Sixteen. Minutes path.

27:39

The door opens and then of i'm on

27:41

the ports by the way. or maybe this

27:43

is not obvious the sun is shining. It's

27:45

a magical daily get so it's freezing cold

27:47

for really beautiful. So. It's like

27:50

clean of zero degrees one degree.

27:52

And he Fahrenheit people like third,

27:54

thirty two, thirty three degrees like

27:56

it's jaws like hovering around freezing.

27:58

But when the. Sun is out

28:01

on the poorest. It's amazing. Like it's

28:03

really like particle magical. But. It's

28:05

so cold. See a fifteen minutes

28:07

pass. the door opens and slams

28:09

as he's just like Mart saying.

28:12

Past. Me on the ports. With her

28:14

backpack on and the backpack distilled

28:16

to the brim. And around

28:19

her neck there is a sign

28:21

flicks big seat of paper with

28:23

writing on it and as you

28:25

can it turns around to the

28:27

toward me just enough like can

28:29

read what sign says but he's

28:31

not. Talking to me it's and the sign

28:33

reads. To

28:36

do lots of the sign

28:38

reads looking for a new

28:40

family name the mail Luna

28:43

phone. Of else. I

28:45

don't love you anymore. You don't

28:47

love me either. Is in the

28:49

middle of the defined as a

28:52

huge. Broken hearts. And

28:55

the way the side is or. If. It's

28:57

like so good. That. The

29:00

reaction. So see myself in

29:02

hurling this defiant like idols.

29:05

Ill this this attitude a

29:07

lot of mean. I love

29:09

it. I love it. It

29:11

is simultaneously like the most

29:13

hilarious. Funny.

29:16

Is and also heartbreaking.

29:18

And of said a moment ever because

29:20

he is so pissed. She's

29:23

really sat down and like fuck

29:25

this shit. I

29:27

am leaving. Fast.

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31:15

The. At the she's really set like

31:17

fuck this shit I am leaving

31:19

and not only did she receives

31:21

a fight for lucy can go

31:24

up onto the main road and

31:26

I don't know what her plan

31:28

was the she was gonna like

31:30

hits hike for a new face

31:33

family or when she was planning

31:35

to go but also see has

31:37

packed her backpack meticulously. To.

31:39

Run away from home. Of

31:42

wait for the also like a real of his

31:44

we see like stopped in front of me so

31:46

I could read the sign to make it very

31:48

obvious that it I am moving away. I am

31:51

looking for a new fellow it's and I go.

31:53

Honey where you going as he goes. As

31:56

it's marches up. Oh wait

31:58

a little, darling. In am

32:00

i don't have shoes on and and were outside it's

32:02

like a kit when after the like honey have any

32:04

he let let's let's talk about busy the as it's

32:07

a smart as on know like okay. This is

32:09

kinda cute and and right as he gets

32:11

to the gate and like hey, let's not

32:13

leave the farm please. That's the

32:15

rule we have. Like when we play outside we say

32:17

on the farm. And. I

32:20

see her hesitating as. I

32:24

am moving away. I'm looking for a

32:26

new family, but of sliver. They respect these rules

32:29

and stay on the front. My on a winter ventured

32:31

to. To for pussies

32:33

right at the ends of the lab

32:35

or. Mean it's right here. It's when we have a

32:37

very small farm. It's like a big billups. like I

32:39

can see her from the ports. The

32:42

sea gulls to the edge of the field

32:44

right where are sensing it with your property

32:46

line as as he starts unpacking. Her back.

32:49

On. The field sister ask is

32:51

the dirt. And

32:54

ever Missoula relics follow her.

32:57

Ringo follows along. He's labour.

32:59

It's absurd. And the linked early like

33:01

hello, what are you doing that was going

33:03

on case I live here Now you live

33:06

here. Even a live Yep yep I live

33:08

here Now I'm looking for a new family

33:10

and until I find one of the live

33:12

here. Like you're gonna live on the field. Yeah,

33:15

on the field and like you know, we

33:17

have ten. Structures. On

33:20

front mean we have so many houses

33:22

we literally have like four Barnes and

33:24

the Guess Towels and and to guest

33:27

houses have been says. Let's replace

33:29

a secure we only have a ghost. How could we have

33:31

lots of places? he could be. Like. Why

33:33

don't you choose like one of the boards or another

33:35

one of the houses and then. You.

33:38

Know you're not going to be so called

33:40

Know because that still the farm and I

33:42

don't wanna be home. So she's

33:44

like right on the ads, loses

33:47

physically as close as he can

33:49

be without still being on the

33:51

lam. People like See really really

33:54

took them. That stuff with unfolds.

33:56

It's so amazing and. She starts

33:58

unpacking held in her. Add me

34:00

I've tried to get her to park look. For

34:02

trip some will be built the hall learned

34:05

or when we been on skiing trip them

34:07

if willing to Spain next we've tried to

34:09

get her to like pack a bag see.

34:11

Has never in her life packed so

34:13

well. As he did for

34:15

those twenty five minutes when she moved

34:17

away from home. In her back Sexy

34:20

has a surface sales are huge unicorn

34:22

suit which is like a Pj but

34:24

it's a unicorn like kinda lucky unicorn

34:26

corn costume. Just packed underwear.

34:29

she has full outfit. With.

34:31

Socks and jeans and sir and

34:33

a sweater see has packed hurt

34:36

tude price at her toothpaste, a

34:38

hairbrush, hair clips and hair tie

34:40

including means to not forget her

34:43

leave in conditioner. Or

34:46

rucksacks hurt to most see where

34:48

it stuffed animals which is bear.

34:51

And an Aussie you know the story

34:54

of Bear but her favorite stuffed animal

34:56

disease on her whole life. Yeah basically

34:58

her whole life is bear. English has

35:00

a little weird animal called rainbow that

35:02

is like rainbow colored i don't know

35:04

what and dependable it is. Assist assist

35:06

the weird be a says rainbow and

35:08

bear. And. You.

35:11

See is ready either that is there some packing

35:13

on the field in the mix. Honey can I

35:15

can? I hope you know. I don't eat

35:17

anything and move it can I? Is it okay if I

35:20

stay here with you. Or would you like some

35:22

Space liquid like to be alone because he's

35:24

upset. I always ask this you want me

35:26

to stay close and see what sticks and

35:28

as he's like you can stay it's okay,

35:30

You can sample, can win a be right

35:32

here and I'm Id want to talk about

35:34

it. You want to have a conversation about

35:36

what happened? Know I'm just very angry with

35:38

you because you didn't want to play with

35:40

me even when you said you were gonna

35:42

play with Pete, Play with me So I

35:44

am gonna be. Over here. Like

35:47

okay. And I sit down.

35:49

It's really cold. She doesn't

35:51

have a jacket and then cease and desist

35:53

unpacking on the. Field. In the next I can

35:55

tell us he like when we do now. It's

35:58

really cold like see doesn't really. And

36:00

I don't think she's out about idea of living. On. The

36:02

field anymore like that lasted like a minute and

36:05

ago. he should try to find a place that

36:07

such a little closer to the house. Like.

36:09

A place where you can. Have your own

36:11

space and but that may be worth not so

36:13

cold as she goes. Yeah

36:16

and I am than a look for a place as

36:18

the little closer to the house because I want to

36:20

look for a place closer. To the health and

36:22

I go Okay, can I combed yet

36:24

these income and unsatisfactory everything back up.

36:29

Which is not like. The. We have everything

36:31

a thirty about that was on field. of

36:33

the backups goes that for the house looks

36:35

around poor words and of like blue goes

36:37

around signs that apple tree known as look

36:39

good and then finds a little dance that

36:41

we have on the back porch to cause

36:43

a case here here a minute. This is

36:45

where I live like okay you wanna live

36:47

on this That's yes I'm in a live

36:49

here. Caped it a whole for how

36:52

long? I'm gonna sleep her tonight. And

36:55

okay unpack system of movements and then I

36:57

sit down and and we're both says sitting

36:59

there and I'm like he wants some hot

37:01

chocolate. See those yeah yeah but once a

37:04

month and the whom you wanna make some

37:06

marshmallows yeah and would make them response like

37:08

okay. Do you want

37:10

hug? Yeah. Yeah,

37:13

okay, him one. And

37:15

then we hug and it became like a really log

37:17

hug. And

37:20

I'm like funny, I love you so much

37:23

I am so sorry that I didn't play.

37:25

With you At the time I said I would

37:27

play I really should have kept my words like

37:29

it was the you're right. I

37:31

would love to play with you. Right now will

37:33

you? Can we play right that? like would

37:36

you like? would you? would you like to

37:38

be with me Reno Seekers? Yeah okay I'll

37:40

play with you. Since.

37:42

You ask, you agree with you And

37:44

then the moment was over and of.

37:46

But for the rest of the day

37:49

all of her things were left of.

37:51

this begs the Dennis came home. He

37:53

likes what's going on out there like

37:55

white lies or. Prose.

37:59

Him. Her her hair frozen over the

38:01

globe, lays it out of the porsche like and she's

38:03

like oh, I moved away for a little while but

38:05

then I changed my mind. Is

38:08

like he moved away. He I moved out. but it

38:10

is my mind. I live at home still. Have

38:13

a good Spellers is absorbing so what

38:15

is? Don't worry, I. Only packed two

38:17

pairs of underwear say was only gonna be

38:20

away for one night anyway. Folks

38:23

funny, see like recognized she does

38:26

not have enough Kipling underwear to

38:28

be gone for many nights. Season

38:30

for that long ceases can be

38:33

of a little. this I don't

38:35

know. I think this for reasons

38:37

like holds her as subs so

38:39

beautifully. Like see so feisty. She

38:42

really is. He stubborn his face,

38:44

he sees funny, she's create is

38:46

she like those at a set

38:48

boundaries? She feels safe

38:50

enough. That she can

38:52

be really angry and know ask

38:55

for species but not worry that

38:57

something bad as can hop and

38:59

or I just I just love

39:01

her spirit who so very much.

39:04

And we have landed. After this

39:06

we had a longer conversation about it. After

39:09

is that he would love like we need

39:11

to build her little tree house. And

39:13

I think as he gets older to a

39:16

would be really good teachers have for her

39:18

to have her own space. I guess.

39:20

Treehouse awesome without the we have all

39:22

these three, them all, this land and.

39:25

She needs a safe place to

39:27

go were sequences be alone or

39:29

bring her friends have privacy. Either

39:32

know, like my whole life when I was. Growing

39:35

up like a Isis, I always dreamt of a

39:37

treehouse. We never lived in a way in a

39:39

place where we had that. Opportunity.

39:42

We always lived with a smaller

39:44

and apartments and just I think

39:46

the idea that is just so

39:48

bad. Our final act Aca we'll

39:50

one like in the movies. I

39:52

found some online you can pin

39:55

trust some really bad ass Streets

39:57

of Says but I found some

39:59

blueprints ages. Arma enough hundred

40:01

pound, a bunch of blueprint for you

40:03

can buy where it comes with detailed

40:05

instructions and exactly the material that you

40:07

need and how to do it. And

40:09

I feel like Pbs I am. and

40:11

I see I obviously mean my husband

40:13

and probably another him the person, county

40:15

or person. To do that together. A

40:17

silly be concrete something really amazing. Because

40:20

I would rather with especially as she

40:22

gets older and I get. That amuses

40:24

interesting that we had that big.

40:27

Moment Like the day before, she

40:29

turned seven to seven in a

40:31

way that there is. They

40:33

say right? The first seven years of

40:35

our allies are the most formative. And

40:38

after seven kids start to separate

40:40

a little bit more Me? she already

40:42

has. He really has her own

40:44

life. Like see the whole life at school that

40:46

I know very little about. I don't know the

40:48

ins and. Outs of was he does all

40:51

day when she talks to all day weekend

40:53

of of her friends are and and on

40:55

teacher and we of course another school that

40:57

there's so much about her day to day

41:00

that it's like that's her own now. And

41:03

for every year that passes he's going

41:05

to become for hurt. more of her

41:07

own little personal can be entering further

41:09

and further out and away into the

41:11

world. And he know all

41:13

of you listening Who have grown kids

41:15

are kids who are teenagers Or kids

41:17

are older than her And mean, I

41:19

know You know this. So well I

41:22

just as as. I. Just

41:24

I content of see parenting Pearl

41:26

Okay, I know that's gonna. Be

41:28

a. A joy

41:30

because it's been a joy all

41:32

throughout. truly. And

41:35

I feel like that's like people might think

41:38

that I'm lying. but so far in her

41:40

life like we haven't had that one difficult.

41:42

Phase or one difficult here where.

41:45

Is she never had terrible twos are terrifying.

41:47

Series or Fearsome for is. Like

41:49

we didn't We didn't do that. For

41:53

whatever reason like it's has been

41:55

such ease his been the easiest

41:57

kid ever to parents and I

41:59

know. Oh challenges are going to com because

42:01

of course challenge has come and go. But

42:04

I can still see how continuing to parent

42:06

her is gonna be. The gifts That it's

42:08

them. And I

42:11

just don't know how to

42:13

prepare myself for those next

42:15

pieces in life. Is

42:18

all those things that always felt so far away? All

42:20

of a sudden? don't feel so far away anymore? Is

42:23

she gonna become one of those teenagers that runs

42:25

away from home? Like I was.

42:29

I mean is he is a I

42:31

hope she'll says fun to the treehouse

42:33

them are the field. Billie?

42:37

Not further than that no

42:39

know how how how would

42:41

be Cool new. Are.

42:46

You ready for spring? I swore am

42:48

over here in. Sweden. I make it

42:50

my business to get outside and get some

42:53

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42:55

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42:57

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42:59

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44:21

Way of this feels like a milestone. Seven

44:23

just feels with the big arm. This is

44:25

the years you will start first grade here

44:28

in Sweden and. It is

44:30

a big deal than as I had

44:32

a moment to high five in ourselves.

44:36

Or such do work this morning.

44:38

So stuff like either the first

44:41

seven years are the most formative

44:43

and we have been able to

44:45

avoid major trauma. In

44:48

these seven years and like he just that

44:50

like hey, like i don't think we. Like

44:52

meat. Really fucked up. But.

44:55

Aren't we like out of the woods? know.

44:57

This is seven. A little bit like. Forever

45:00

Like out of the woods. Ideally, we

45:02

want to continue. To. Not

45:05

have any major trauma if we can

45:07

help it. The yeah I thought oh

45:09

yeah hi fi or sweet side has

45:11

obviously most of the things artist out

45:14

of our. Own or

45:16

control right? things that come our way and

45:18

we've had hardship. I mean last year she

45:20

lost her on T. And

45:22

it's coming up really close

45:25

home dispenses She's had of

45:27

course hardship and sadness, but

45:29

I feel in a way

45:31

we've been able to. Feel

45:34

and remain ground. That enough that we've been able

45:36

to hold her. You

45:39

know, so that death could have been a big

45:41

dramatic thing for her, but. It

45:43

doesn't look like it has registered like.just

45:45

in the way the she talks about

45:47

her in this in all the ease

45:50

around. How she

45:52

relates to on feel

45:54

like there's. A on

45:56

our feet are still on the ground. their. Sound.

45:59

Dumb. This is also

46:01

the we have a ten year

46:03

anniversary of my best friends passing

46:05

illegal to have a moment just

46:07

to entrance of that and talk

46:09

about her and. I

46:12

don't know I see like layer has for

46:14

being Southern sea has such an inability. To

46:17

just understand things.

46:21

And to sit with those big big big

46:23

things like life and death and. Maybe

46:25

because we have more Malays said in that

46:27

way. Maybe because both that isn't I have

46:30

had so many of those experiences is just

46:32

part of how we raise her. Home.

46:36

Title Know. And I feel

46:38

really grateful that. Her

46:40

first seven years of her life have been with

46:42

the have been. A

46:44

really really really do. Here

46:47

and yeah, I five

46:49

parents. Parents. Slick.

46:51

Over. All. Truly

46:55

I mean parents Parenting through.

46:57

Easy. Times Printing Parenting Parents

47:00

parenting too Easy times and

47:02

Parents parenting through difficult times

47:04

and through trauma M Three

47:07

major celebration and joy and

47:09

sadness and loss of gratitude

47:12

and all the things. How

47:15

crazy is that? But

47:18

we still. Do It. That

47:20

there's no opting out. Flick.

47:25

Only role we have with is no

47:27

a mean, there's nothing out of it

47:29

and we just get hit with curveball

47:31

left her fur ball and we just

47:33

adapt and. We keep doing it.

47:35

How crazy is that? I feel

47:38

we all need. Like a collective

47:40

says, parenting high five. And

47:42

if you're not a parent, I'm

47:45

sure you are in certain ways

47:47

are many ways: Support is toward

47:49

someone who is the parents or

47:51

supportive towards yourself we parenting yourself.

47:54

In different ways. Hear

47:56

what I want to say is says. Whatever

47:58

you are holding. Whoever

48:00

you are supporting you doing a

48:02

kick ass job. As

48:04

a ceiling Maybe we all needed to hear that.

48:08

So yea, that's me today. Or

48:12

of the Here and Little Bear coughing in

48:14

the background. I hope we will

48:16

be out of the woods with this. Hold

48:19

an though I guess next

48:21

week we should celebrate. Our

48:24

seven year anniversary. How

48:27

she we celebrate were going to do and

48:29

ask Rachel next leaks if you wanna call

48:31

and ask your questions and would love love

48:33

love to hear from you. The.

48:36

Number isn't the show Notes: You can

48:38

find that their tests. Or call

48:40

me to say hi or you know

48:42

anything you want to say on. I

48:44

listen to all the messages Ill nicest

48:47

love to hear. Your voices. So

48:50

think you think you happy

48:52

birthday to all the pisces

48:55

people out there. I so

48:57

happy it's Pc season. And

49:00

soon we're going to step into

49:02

every season and we're gonna have

49:04

Spring Equinox. I emptied saying or

49:07

hosting a big. Spring Equinox ceremony

49:09

on March twentieth where we're going

49:11

to make a Spring Time author

49:13

which is my favorite nature alter

49:15

to make of the year. Home

49:18

I'll show you how to make an ulcer for spring.

49:21

We are going to practice yoga

49:23

and move her body's an officially

49:25

closed the Chapter of Winter and

49:27

say goodbye to our the winter

49:29

cells and plant the seeds and

49:31

set the and census. For who

49:33

we want to be and how

49:35

we want to feel the Spring

49:38

So com as you are just

49:40

the way you are. A role

49:42

that your mouth with me. Sit

49:44

in circles with me and let

49:47

hell it's welcome in Spring Fears

49:49

already. First Break: So so so

49:51

any. Thank you

49:53

for listening to Live You and I'll see

49:55

you next week! So

50:00

much for listening to this week's episode If.

50:02

You enjoy the show, make sure you listen,

50:04

rate review, and follow all episodes of From

50:06

the Heart for the way to break them.

50:08

This was a presentation of Quito's thirteen. Studio

50:11

and I'll see you next week.