0:02

Lemonada.

0:06

Hi listeners, we are dropping into your feed

0:08

right now to play you an episode of Hard

0:11

Feelings, a new series from Lemonada Media.

0:13

You're about to hear the first episode.

0:15

Feelings are hard, but Jeanette McCurdy

0:17

is ready to feel them all and tell you all about

0:20

it. And what better way to process those

0:22

feelings than through the kind of no-holds-barred

0:24

voice messages you'd get from a best friend? On

0:27

Hard Feelings, the New York Times bestselling

0:29

author of I'm Glad My Mom Died digs

0:31

into the overarching emotion she's been experiencing

0:34

that week in the form of raw, unscripted

0:36

thoughts taken directly from her brain and

0:39

spoken into the microphone.

0:40

Jealousy, shame, social anxiety, you

0:43

name it, she's felt it and is

0:45

ready to laugh, cry, and work through it

0:47

with you by her side.

0:49

Why is she willing to do this? Well, because

0:51

these hard feelings are part of the human condition, they

0:54

unite us all, but only once we're willing to

0:56

face them ourselves.

0:57

Jeanette will go first. After

1:00

you listen to this episode, search for Hard Feelings in your

1:02

podcast app to hear the next episode. You

1:04

can also find a link in the show notes that will take

1:06

you there.

1:09

I'm thinking about shame. I've

1:11

been thinking a lot

1:13

about shame this week.

1:36

The press release for this podcast,

1:38

Hard Feelings, came out. I

1:42

was so excited for you guys to hear about this podcast. I

1:45

was so excited. I knew you guys were going to be excited and

1:47

it just was such a joyous

1:51

experience. I

1:54

have judgment around the word joyous, I'm realizing.

1:57

As I say it, I felt like yikes. I

1:59

felt my ass.

1:59

cheeks clench when I said

2:02

joyous. God,

2:05

but I also mean it. I have

2:07

self-judgment around it and I mean it. It

2:09

was a joyous celebratory, even celebratory,

2:12

it's getting worse. It was a joyous celebratory

2:14

experience that I couldn't wait to, I couldn't wait for the author,

2:16

right? And

2:19

one of the things that's really important to me in press,

2:22

if possible, is that

2:25

iCarly or Sam and Kat are not

2:27

mentioned.

2:29

These show titles, you guys, my

2:33

ears burn when I'm saying them. I

2:36

have so

2:39

much shame around having been a part of them

2:42

and anybody who's read my book I know understands.

2:47

To try and summarize

2:50

it for those of you who haven't, it's

2:54

like imagine, you know, I

2:57

started

2:58

working on Nickelodeon when I was,

3:01

I think we taped the pilot when I was maybe 13 and the show,

3:04

then we started taping the show when I was 14. But, you know,

3:10

to have been known for so long for something that I

3:12

did when I was 13 was very shameful

3:13

for

3:16

me.

3:17

Imagine, for example, whatever

3:20

you were doing when you were 13, you

3:22

know,

3:23

acting in your

3:25

school play of Peter Pan or

3:28

playing clarinet just god

3:30

awfully. And

3:31

imagine if you were known

3:33

for that,

3:35

everywhere you went for the rest of your life, if

3:38

you can't board a plane without 15 people

3:40

coming up to you on the plane and going, oh my god, your

3:42

clarinet riffs were just,

3:45

god, they made my childhood. And you're thinking like,

3:47

my clarinet riffs sucks. Like,

3:49

god, I'm a person now.

3:52

I'm a developed adult now. And

3:54

I'm still being defined by this thing I did when I was kid.

3:56

So that was where I thought all of that shame

3:59

was coming from. Right. from the show thousand

4:01

and so i really really is

4:04

important to me at those shows are not mentioned by

4:06

impressively says if at

4:08

all possible so you know what

4:11

the publicity seems to drop the presley's of course

4:13

don't mention it but then we don't have any have control over

4:15

whether those shows are mentioned in the

4:17

the actual articles themselves and us and

4:20

and in the article it

4:23

mentioned

4:25

i carly and salmon cat and i hit

4:27

like moodily see like my my body titans

4:30

addressing them on

4:34

and

4:36

let me couldn't give another layer of context this

4:38

whole situation so my

4:41

memoir i'm glad my mom

4:44

died came out a year and a

4:46

couple months ago

4:48

and a did really well it

4:50

did crazy well it's doing crazy a sauna

4:52

new york times bestseller list the year two months later

4:54

it's fucking crazy on

4:57

it's it's it's so meaningful

4:59

to me in

5:02

such a deep way

5:05

because i felt like finally

5:07

i don't have to carry that same of my past

5:10

finally i can be

5:12

known for something that i do as an

5:15

adult finally i can

5:17

be known for writing the thing

5:19

that i wanted it is this as a child and

5:21

and was was not supported in been

5:23

wanting to do i'm finally

5:27

i can be supported for me you know not for character

5:30

for me and

5:33

it kind of

5:34

washed a that same for

5:37

me so

5:37

not only is celebrating this is a celebratory

5:40

joyous is not only celebrating

5:42

this success but it was also

5:45

just completely covering up

5:47

my same

5:49

i didn't feel same for weeks

5:51

maybe even months i

5:54

thought i'd have gone baby were

5:56

good no more same am

6:01

And then I did a college

6:03

tour around a couple months after the

6:05

book came out I went and spoke at like 30

6:08

something colleges. I want to say it was a lot

6:10

of colleges

6:12

At one of these events, I

6:14

remember exactly it was it's it UCSD Lovely

6:19

audience the moderator

6:22

like

6:23

asked one kind of wrap-up question. I Go

6:27

to answer and Somebody

6:30

from the back shouts Sam

6:33

wears the butter sock or we want

6:35

the butter

6:35

sock

6:37

Or something like that. It was I don't even remember the exact

6:39

words of it but I remember

6:42

feeling Like

6:44

kind of

6:45

instant an instant surge of

6:49

You know if there's like fight fight or freeze

6:52

instantly I wanted to go to fight I Was

6:54

like, okay. How can I protect

6:57

myself? What can I say? How do I how can I defend myself and

6:59

then I took a couple deep breaths

7:01

and I said

7:06

Wow,

7:07

I gotta be honest. It really hurts me that

7:10

you

7:11

said that I

7:13

Had this amazing feeling

7:15

of Connection based

7:17

off of this conversation and

7:19

I was really trying to be vulnerable and

7:23

hopefully Ideally helpful

7:25

with what I was saying up here

7:28

and

7:31

Now this just this

7:33

just makes me feel really bad and

7:38

The person was like

7:40

I'm sorry, but they were literally sitting

7:43

toward the back. So it's like shouted through an entire auditorium,

7:45

right? And there's like thousands of people sitting around Taking

7:49

in this experience and it just made for a

7:51

very awkward end to the

7:53

conversation and

7:56

then Members of

7:58

the faculty kind of were walking

7:59

me back to the room and they had apologized and I was

8:02

like, oh, no, it's totally fine. Like they were all lovely.

8:04

And I really, I didn't want that one little

8:06

moment to affect

8:09

what was a lovely evening.

8:14

And then the next day I got an email

8:16

from my publicist and a

8:18

group of

8:20

college students from that event had emailed

8:23

my publicist, Steven, who's just

8:27

absolutely a wizard at what he

8:29

does. He's so talented. I

8:32

just, I can't believe how good he is at what he does.

8:34

Anyway,

8:35

he sends me an email from a group of these

8:38

college students who are just saying like, Hey,

8:40

we just want to let you know that we all took away

8:42

so much from the night and we're grateful

8:45

for who you are. And

8:47

we're sorry that that person said that thing about the

8:49

butter sock. We couldn't care less about the butter

8:51

sock. We love you, Jeanette, and we support

8:53

you and we're grateful for you or something

8:55

like that. And a bunch of these college students signed

8:57

it. And I, I like, it was so meaningful.

9:00

It brought tears to my eyes. So that's

9:02

the, that's the context of kind of what

9:05

it was in, in, in real time in that two

9:07

days. And I still

9:09

continued to get triggered by it. Like in, in,

9:11

in weeks to come, I would get little flashes of it. Not a big

9:13

deal, just like a little flash. And when I would

9:16

feel the flash of the person shouting butter

9:18

sock, my, my body would twitch like I was having

9:20

a literal kind of trauma response,

9:22

right? My body's just twitch,

9:24

you know, it twitches my whole body is doing it. And

9:27

I'm thinking, God, there's something to this. I've got to,

9:30

I've got to work on this. But

9:32

I didn't really, I didn't do much therapy

9:35

over, I was maybe doing like

9:37

a session a month, if that for the

9:39

past, for a while, for maybe like a year. I

9:43

just felt, honestly, I was prioritizing work. I'll

9:46

just say it like it is. I was prioritizing work

9:49

and I don't think I was making enough time for, for

9:51

therapy and self growth, personal growth

9:53

and development, which I definitely

9:56

consider therapy to be. Cut

9:59

to.

11:04

i

11:13

parley n n the salmon cat

11:16

i thought this would be enough

12:03

This episode of Funny Because It's True is supported

12:05

by State Farm.

12:06

I think it's safe to say

12:07

that we exist in an era of uber-customization

12:10

where all

12:10

of our music and social media feeds are all

12:13

totally personalized to us. For example,

12:15

my algorithm brought me over three different

12:17

recipe

12:18

videos that featured potatoes just this morning.

12:20

I

12:20

don't know what that says about me, but I did watch

12:23

all three of them. Well State Farm wants

12:25

you to know that your insurance can also be unique

12:27

to you. With the State Farm Personal

12:29

Price Plan, you have options to personalize

12:31

your coverage so that you can protect what you care about

12:34

most, at an affordable price just for

12:36

you. This plan feels absolutely

12:38

tailor-made to me and my needs, and I

12:40

rest easy knowing I have great home, auto,

12:42

and life coverage. The Personal Price Plan

12:44

is all about being unique and personal to you

12:47

and your needs. That means you get the coverage

12:49

you want, a policy that helps cover what's important

12:51

to you, and an affordable price just for

12:53

you. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. The

12:55

rest varies by state. Options selected by customer.

12:58

Availability and eligibility may vary.

13:02

You want to know what's music to my ears? Bread

13:05

bowls. And that brings me to our beloved sponsor, Panera. Whenever

13:08

I'm not sure what I'm going to do for dinner, but I know

13:10

I want something nourishing that I'll really enjoy, I pick

13:12

up Panera on the way home. Plus, with Panera's

13:15

new Crunch Time feature, Panera will send you

13:17

a reminder at whatever time you want to order

13:19

your favorite preset dinner with one easy

13:21

swipe. It's been an absolute game changer

13:23

to make sure dinner is taken

13:24

care of while I'm out running around.

13:26

I'm going to start with my favorite, their mac and cheese, featuring

13:29

a creamy, rich blend of cheeses. But

13:31

I also like to mix it up too, and Panera makes it

13:33

easy. Sometimes I'll go with their Fuji apple salad

13:35

with chicken. Or I'll try one of their unbeatably

13:38

delicious and hearty soups, like their creamy tomato soup.

13:41

It's a classic, and I have found no soup that pairs better

13:43

with their warm, fresh bread bowl. And

13:45

I have done plenty of research, trust me. So order

13:47

Panera tonight to get a delicious dinner in one

13:49

easy swipe. Panera is available only in

13:51

iOS mobile devices. Other restrictions apply. And

13:54

for more information on Clean, visit

13:56

panerabread.com slash

13:58

clean.

14:10

Wow,

14:11

it hit me so hard. I

14:13

wrote it down. I'm one of those... I

14:16

take notes during therapy, like

14:18

rigorously. I don't want to forget

14:21

any single thing.

14:22

And I wrote it down in big bold

14:24

letters.

14:26

When is it going to be enough

14:28

for me to get past Sam? Because

14:32

I'm thinking, you know what I'd love? I'd love for it to not matter.

14:35

I'd love to not care. Who

14:37

cares, right?

14:39

I do. Why do I care? Why

14:41

am I still caring about this? I would love for it to just be like,

14:44

oh, even more so than

14:46

I would love to be able to say, oh, they mentioned I, Carla, Sam, and

14:48

Kat, who cares? I'd love to be able to not

14:50

even really notice it because I just am just

14:53

not affected by it. And

14:56

that's my goal. My goal would be to not be affected

14:58

by having been a part of

15:00

those shows. In therapy also,

15:02

I don't even call them by name. I say those

15:04

shows. I say,

15:08

you know, having been a part of that show, having

15:10

done that show, like it's really hard

15:13

for me to say the names of the shows. And

15:18

I know it's something that, you know, maybe I

15:20

genuinely believe that

15:21

anybody who's read my book understands, but some people

15:23

might think what's so hard about being

15:26

young and famous? Like what's so hard about,

15:29

I don't

15:31

know, maybe you should listen to a different podcast,

15:33

man. Like if that's where you're at, we're

15:35

just never going to be on the same page

15:38

or on the same path. And that's totally fine.

15:41

There's a reboot of I, Carla, maybe she should watch

15:43

that. Anyway,

15:49

I did some journaling on it. My therapist suggested that I do

15:51

some journaling on the what's

15:54

been triggering to me lately and how those triggers

15:56

might be traced back to or connected

15:58

to. Um, unresolved

16:02

shame. I think

16:04

that's a great exercise and I, I don't

16:06

know. I hadn't, I hadn't really thought of it that way. And I thought that was

16:09

really an ingenious way of kind of exploring

16:11

it because I think that's for me, at least

16:13

that's really resonating and feeling very true. I'm thinking

16:16

that a lot of these things that I've been triggered by are

16:19

associated with unresolved

16:21

shame and shame that I need to work through and work on.

16:24

And all of this to kind of say

16:26

and loop back to the beginning of. I

16:29

feel like the success of the book was

16:32

abandoned on a bullet hole where I felt like, well, great,

16:34

I don't have any shame anymore about my

16:36

past. And it's actually something that I

16:38

still have shame around because I'm still

16:40

capable of being triggered around it. And

16:43

so it's something that I still need to work on. This

16:46

is what's come up for me. Um, in

16:48

kind of my journaling and my processing sense, that

16:51

session with Aaron. I think there's

16:54

another layer.

16:54

Then the,

16:56

what I mentioned

16:58

about

17:00

sort of feeling known for the thing that you do when

17:03

you're 13 and soothing like, well, and

17:05

I've grown past that.

17:09

So why has nobody else? Why can

17:12

nobody pick up on who I am now?

17:15

Like

17:18

what that, that feels like one layer, but the kind of deeper

17:22

layer to me

17:23

feels like,

17:25

you know, and honestly

17:28

guys, unfortunately I wish if sometimes it feels

17:30

like an easy answer, like, oh, it's traced back to the family

17:32

of origin again, you don't say, but like it is most of the time

17:34

it fucking is. And

17:39

I'm feeling that again here where it's like, my

17:41

mom was so

17:44

quick to see and

17:46

witness and support any character I played,

17:48

but never capable of seeing. Me that then that resentment became

17:51

a thing that I took out on

17:54

the audience of the show.

18:00

on the people who would

18:01

scream at me,

18:03

Sam, I probably fried chicken when I was walking

18:05

down the street.

18:06

Everybody said fried chicken. Where's

18:08

your fried chicken?

18:09

I got so fucking sick of people saying, where's

18:11

the fried chicken? That my

18:14

God.

18:16

Also it's like I was suffering from bulimia. So I got,

18:18

when I was really at the height of my anger, I'd

18:21

be, when somebody be like, Sam, I probably fried

18:23

chicken. I want to be like, or they go, where's the fried

18:25

chicken? I want to be like, it's in the fucking toilet because I have

18:27

bulimia and I threw it right up.

18:29

Whew.

18:35

So feeling like my

18:37

mom couldn't see me, but could see

18:40

really only the characters that I was playing. I think

18:42

I felt that resentment and feeling that resentment was,

18:45

it was too

18:46

difficult for me to face.

18:49

Like I didn't want to face the in quotes, ugly

18:51

emotions that I felt. No emotions are ugly,

18:54

right? They're all just part of the human

18:56

condition, human experience. It's all

18:59

part of the cocktail baby, but that's

19:02

not what I grew up believing. And so I grew up

19:04

believing certain emotions were okay and certain emotions were not okay.

19:06

And so I was fucking terrified of the ones

19:08

that were quote unquote not okay. Resentment

19:13

being one of them. And certainly resentment toward

19:15

my mother who I idolized and idealized

19:17

and had on this pedestal. So I was

19:19

not accepting that I was feeling resentment, but I was feeling able to hurt my

19:22

mom for not seeing me and toward the

19:24

audience for not seeing me, you guys.

19:26

And I

19:28

think there was this, the

19:30

more popular that

19:31

character, see, notice,

19:33

I didn't

19:35

even say the name, the more popular that Sam,

19:37

my heart starts racing faster, got,

19:43

the more I just felt

19:45

unseen as Jeanette.

19:49

And fundamentally, I think that was coming from not being

19:52

able to see myself, not

19:53

being able to

19:55

be with myself. I can't sit

19:57

with myself, tolerate myself.

19:59

No. myself.

20:02

And I think a lot of that

20:04

is modeled by, you know, your relationship

20:06

with your primary caregiver, which was, of course, my mom who,

20:08

of course, couldn't see me either.

20:11

So I that's, that's kind of where I'm

20:14

at with it. That's

20:16

the best I got right now.

20:18

I'll keep processing

20:20

it. And I'm

20:22

going to try and figure out, you know, what is it going to take

20:24

for me to get past Sam, because

20:26

I would like for if somebody

20:30

puts the title of a show that I was on when I was a kid

20:33

in an article for it to not affect me. That sounds

20:35

fucking great.

20:37

I want to be past this, you guys. I

20:39

want to be

20:40

past this.

20:43

I'll do whatever work it takes to grow past

20:45

that I really will.

20:49

But in the meantime, Stephen,

20:51

my publicist, is flying in

20:53

to be the superhero that he is, where

20:56

he reached out and he asked them to remove it. And

20:58

he actually got them to remove iCarly

21:00

from the article. God bless Stephen. I'll

21:03

be working on my shame.

21:05

But in the meantime, I'll be thanking

21:08

Stephen.

21:15

There's

21:15

more hard feelings with Lemonado Premium. Subscribers

21:18

get exclusive access to bonus content and you

21:20

can subscribe now in Apple Podcasts. I'm

21:23

Jeanette McCurdy, the creator, executive producer

21:26

and host of Hard Feelings. It's produced by

21:28

Lemonada Media in coordination with Happy

21:30

Rage Productions. Your production team

21:32

is Keegan Zemma, Aria Baracci

21:35

and Brian Castillo. Music is by Hannah

21:37

Brown.

21:38

Steve Nelson, Lemonada's Vice

21:40

President of Weekly Content. Rachel Neal

21:42

is Lemonada's Senior Director of New Content.

21:45

Executive Producers are Stephanie Whittles-Wax,

21:47

Jessica Cordova-Cramer and me. Listen

21:50

ad-free

21:50

on Amazon Music with your brand membership.

21:59

This episode of Funny Cause It's True is supported

22:02

by State Farm.

22:03

I think it's safe to say

22:04

that we exist in an era of uber customization,

22:07

where all of our music and social media

22:09

feeds are all totally personalized to

22:11

us. For example, my algorithm brought

22:13

me over three different recipe videos that

22:15

featured potatoes just this morning. I

22:17

don't know what that says about me, but I did watch

22:20

all three of them. Well, State Farm wants

22:22

you to know that your insurance can also be unique

22:24

to you. With the State Farm Personal

22:26

Price Plan, you have options to personalize

22:28

your coverage so that you can protect what you care about

22:30

most, at an affordable price just for

22:33

you. This plan feels absolutely

22:35

tailor made to me and my needs, and I

22:37

rest easy knowing I have great home, auto,

22:39

and life coverage. The Personal Price Plan

22:41

is all about being unique and personal to you

22:44

and your needs. That means you get the coverage

22:46

you want, a policy that helps cover what's important

22:48

to you, and an affordable price just for

22:50

you.

22:50

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Price

22:52

varies by state. Options selected by customer.

22:55

Availability and eligibility

22:56

may vary.