0:00

[VDM logo music] [Quack-quack hiss]

0:07

NARRATOR: Venomous Duck Media presents, Gareth

0:11

Gareth and the Lost Island. Episode 11 - Revenge of the Linguist

0:20

Disclaimer:

0:23

This audio drama should be considered rated PG-13 for discussions of sexual hijinks, drinking,

0:31

consuming questionable potions, brief moments of violence,

0:35

crude language, and even cruder humor.

0:39

Please use caution when listening in public, as this story may cause audible laughter.

0:46

Venomous Duck Media is not liable for any strained abdominal muscles you may receive

0:52

while listening, or the strange looks you might get from other commuters. If laughter

0:57

persists for more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.

1:02

[theme]

1:28

[taxi landing]

1:34

RENEE: Captain Mintel, we have arrived at the dry docks.

1:37

GARETH: Captain… that is going to take some getting used to. Alright, the first thing

1:42

we need to do is find Elizabeth, Pilot, and Sheldon. After that, we’ll see what needs

1:48

to be done to get the new airship off the ground.

1:51

[ramp lowering]

1:55

IZZY: Found Lizard Breath, at least I think I did.

2:00

GARETH: Why aren’t you certain? Whoa. I see why you hesitated. Elizabeth must

2:06

be loving that new arm. If it wasn’t for the gray metal casing, it almost looks like

2:10

a normal arm. It even has five fingers.

2:13

IZZY: New arm? Oh, I didn’t notice it.

2:17

TEESH: You didn’t notice she wasn’t packing that clockwork nightmare anymore?

2:21

IZZY: I was more focused on her face. It looks like they covered her scars with a mesh made

2:27

from the same metal as her arm. She’s tried to be so strong all these years, but I know how

2:33

much she hates those scars. They even replaced her false eye with a red lens just like Kevin’s.

2:41

Gareth is it ok....?

2:43

GARETH: Go, we’ll catch up in a bit.

2:46

[Izzy runs to hug Elizabeth] TALNIS: I probably don’t need to say this, but if you lose that special lass of yours,

2:53

I will have Henry smack you upside the head with Mr. Smashy.

2:57

GARETH: If I drive Izzy away, I’ll ask him to do it myself.

3:00

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: I’ll be glad to do it too.

3:03

TEESH: If you three are done being mushy, it looks like they’re done hugging, since

3:07

Pilot and Sheldon joined them. Izzy’s waving at us, too.

3:11

GARETH: [chuckle] After you, Mistress Teesh.

3:14

[the group walks, rolls, and flies to the Morgana sisters]

3:17

ELIZABETH: Let’s get on board the ship so the Professor can turn it on, and then hand

3:20

it over to me as the real Captain.

3:23

GARETH: That’s not how this is going to work, Ms. Morgana.

3:28

ELIZABETH: Look at him, kid gets dressed up like some sort of soldier, and he suddenly

3:33

thinks he’s a real captain. You got your chance to play dress up, Professor, and now

3:39

it’s time for the grownups to get some work done.

3:42

DAR-C: I’m going to smack that smirk off her face so hard, she’ll have to get more

3:48

mesh to cover the other side! GARETH: Thanks, but I’ve got this DAR-C. Elizabeth Morgana, that ship in there is part

3:55

of the Royal Mascalian Air Navy. As Senior Captain in the Air Navy, I am taking command

4:02

of her to defend the Island of Mascal. If you interfere with that, I will have Kevin

4:07

take you into custody until such time as we return from the battle.

4:11

[two steps] GARETH: Now stand down and step aside!

4:16

ELIZABETH: As you wish, Captain. Have fun trying to run a ship without a crew.

4:21

You know, my crew.

4:24

IZZY: I can’t believe I ever looked up to you, Lizard Breath.

4:29

[walking to Gareth]

4:31

IZZY: Captain Mintel, Chief Engineer Morgana, reporting for duty, sir.

4:35

GARETH: Welcome to the crew, Engineer.

4:37

[Tralnis walking to Gareth]

4:40

TALNIS: Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff, reporting for duty as Ship’s Surgeon, Captain.

4:47

GARETH: Good, because I wouldn’t trust my crew’s health to anyone else.

4:50

[Barefoot walking on stone]

4:53

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: You are my brother in all ways that matter.

4:58

GARETH: I know you will always have my back, like I’ll always have yours.

5:02

PILOT: I hope that someday you will forgive me, former Captain of the Glorious Dawn, but

5:06

I have seen the ship we are discussing. It would be foolish of me not to seize this opportunity.

5:11

[walking to Gareth] PILOT: Professor who is now a captain, I am a son of the people of Roehus. I wish to serve

5:18

as the pilot for the unnamed ship awaiting us in dry dock.

5:21

GARETH: As Captain of the airship, I accept your vow of service,

5:25

the man who is once again a pilot.

5:30

SHELDON: [right eye] Before you try and guilt us into taking your

5:32

side, you should know we’ve always thought you grew up to be kind of bitch, Liz. Plus,

5:37

there is no way in hells we are giving up Henry’s cooking.

5:40

[heavy footsteps]

5:45

TEESH: Yeah, as if I would stay here with Ms. Resting Grump Face.

5:49

Gareth, do you have a spot onboard for me?

5:52

GARETH: We would be lost without you, Teesh.

5:55

TEESH: [muttering] If that’s not the biggest understatement of the millennium, I don't know what is.

5:59

DAR-C: Captain,… RENE, Kevin, and I were wondering if you were going to

6:03

allow Automatons as part of your crew.

6:06

GARETH: Of course, you’re Mascalians, just like me. Welcome to the crew , you three.

6:10

[Kevin rolling forward quickly, mechanical hugging]

6:14

[Gareth gasp] KEVIN: Thank you, thank you, thank you!

6:18

GARETH: [struggling to breathe] Can’t… breathe… Kevin.

6:21

[Kevin drops Gareth]

6:23

KEVIN: Sorry.

6:26

GARETH: I seem to have my crew, Miss Morgana. I only need to fill one more position to make

6:31

it complete. As it stands, I’m in desperate need of a good First Officer willing to kick

6:37

me in the ass when I do something stupid.

6:40

ELIZABETH: [weary sigh] Knowing my luck, if I stay behind, you’ll

6:44

destroy the new ship pulling it out of dry dock. I’ll either starve to death, or be

6:50

killed by pirates. If I go with you, I’ll at least get to keep an eye on my baby sister.

6:56

[walking]

6:58

ELIZABETH: [another sigh] First Officer Elizabeth Morgana reporting for duty.

7:06

GARETH: Okay, crew, let’s go see our new airship.

7:09

[scene change music]

7:16

IZZY: I’ll never get over how many different types of Automatons are here.

7:21

For instance, this lot all look like giant caterpillars with hands at the ends of their legs.

7:27

[metal legs scuttling] ALEX: Captain Mintel, I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you again.

7:33

GARETH: Are there any Automatons on this Island who didn’t know me as a child?

7:37

RENE: DAR-C 254 and I came online after the Blight finally died off.

7:43

ALEX: I only know you because your Aunt Moira, our head airship designer, brought you in

7:48

to show you off shortly after you were born. She brought you in a second time after you

7:53

licked that charged Aetherium tube. Moira boasted

7:56

that you were born to be an engineer like her.

7:59

GARETH: Actually, I’m a linguist.

8:01

ALEX: I see… oh well, no one’s perfect I suppose.

8:06

Were the Spider-eyes correct in telling us that you plan to take your aunt’s masterpiece

8:11

into battle on its maiden voyage?

8:14

GARETH: I’m afraid so.

8:16

ALEX: How exciting! Since you are all going into combat soon, I’ll give you the condensed

8:22

tour. Follow me please.

8:24

[scuttling, doors slide open, group follows, door closes]

8:33

IZZY: Oh, wow! ELIZABETH: She’s beautiful.

8:37

TALNIS: I have some cousins who are engineers. They’ll be pissing themselves in envy that

8:43

I get to work on an airship like that.

8:45

PILOT: First Officer, now you see why I couldn’t turn down an opportunity such as this.

8:50

GARETH: This is the first Mascalian airship to fly in nearly 13,000 years. Not only will

8:57

it defend this island’s inhabitants, it will show the rest of Hadronus that WE have

9:02

returned. An airship with that much responsibility on her shoulders deserves a name with a proud

9:08

legacy to match it. Crew, welcome to the HMS Glorious Dawn, the new flagship of the Royal Mascalian Air Navy.

9:19

IZZY: Gareth, I… her name… oh the hells with it!

9:26

[kiss]

9:28

ALEX: [clears throat] IZZY: We’ll continue this discussion later, Captain.

9:35

ALEX: This is the first of the Golden Swan class battleships. She runs off of Dark Magic

9:42

charged Aetherium, and can out fly anything we had built previously. A copy of Center’s

9:49

personality runs the minor systems on the ship allowing her to have a far smaller crew

9:53

than what would normally be seen on a ship her size.

9:56

As a multipurpose combat vessel, the Glorious Dawn is armed with the latest in anti-wizard

10:02

technology. Her primary defense is the hull, which is made of a special copper and steel

10:07

alloy designed to conduct Light magic poorly. Even though she only boasts three guns, the

10:13

Glorious Dawn’s offensive capacity is equal to a ship four times her size.

10:18

ELIZABETH: I only see two guns on deck. Where is the third one?

10:24

ALEX: Look at the bottom of the aft section. The tail gun over there works by dropping

10:29

metal balls from a hopper into the barrel. Magic is then sent into the repulsion rune

10:34

carved at the rear of the barrel. The repulsion rune throws a metal sphere slightly faster,

10:40

and farther, than the gunpowder fueled weapons these modern pirates seem to favor. By using

10:45

magic instead of gunpowder, we were able to increase the rate of fire to a little under

10:50

two shots per second.

10:52

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Mine, mine, mine.

10:55

GARETH: [chuckling] Henry says he’s calling dibs on the tail gun.

10:59

ALEX: The heavy cannon on the fore deck is mounted to a disc which rotates 360 degrees.

11:06

It works on a similar principle to the tail gun. Instead of gravity fed balls, it has

11:12

to be loaded from the rear with 20-pound shells.

11:15

GARETH: What’s that strange machine with all the mirrors and black half domes at the

11:21

back of the airship? ALEX: Captain Mintel, the final gun was your aunt’s greatest achievement. One we thought

11:29

might win the Wizard War for us.

11:31

GARETH: How so? ALEX: We were taking a pounding from the Wizards. The more powerful of the bastards could raise

11:38

magical shields that would block everything we could throw at them. Moira realized that

11:44

the Wizards were able to see what they were doing, and tried to come up with a way to

11:49

use that against them. The answer came when your aunt was watching

11:53

her wife burn a design into a piece of wood using only a magnifying glass and sunlight.

11:59

Moira brought her idea to the Technomancers, and together they built the Sunlight Collection

12:05

and Focusing Array Weapon or S-C-F-A-W.

12:10

None of us were able to say that fast, so we just ended up calling it the Sun Gun.

12:14

ELIZABETH: So how does it work?

12:16

ALEX: The black dome halves collect and store sunlight throughout the day. When fired, the

12:22

stored sunlight is fed into the focusing crystals and mirror arrays to blast out a beam of light.

12:28

The output can be anywhere from 30 feet wide, able to blind an enemy crew, down to a beam

12:35

no thicker than a sewing needle. The heat of the thinnest setting is capable of cutting

12:40

through solid metal. PILOT: Little Automaton foreman, how effective is this weapon in actual combat?

12:47

ALEX: We haven’t got a clue. Like most of the ship, it’s a prototype, and we never

12:51

got a chance to try it out before the dock went into null-entropy mode.

12:55

TALNIS: Is there anything on this ship that isn’t a prototype?

13:00

ALEX: The ship is powered by a chunk of the original Void Stone that gave the Mascalians

13:05

their abilities. Almost all of the systems had to be redesigned to accept direct Dark

13:10

Magic energy. Now that I think about it, the only things which aren’t prototypes are the loos.

13:16

You can poop with confidence knowing the crappers are tried and true technology.

13:21

SHELDON: [right eye] We are soooo going to die. Is it too late

13:25

to switch back to working for Captain Scary? GARETH, IZZY, PILOT, TALNIS, TEESH: YES!

13:29

SHELDON: [right eye] Sheesh...just asking. ALEX: May we continue?

13:32

GARETH: Lead on. I'd like to…

13:35

[ominous music] [heavy metal footsteps]

13:38

GARETH: Oh, K’nknknk! PILOT: My sentiments exactly, Captain.

13:42

[Chompers testing out his weapons one by one]

13:59

GARETH: Alright, who thought it was a good idea to give the homicidal skull a new body?!

14:05

KEVIN: I did. I found the skull in the wreckage of your old airship. He didn’t have a body

14:11

anymore, so I took him to the manufacturing plant, and let him pick out a new one.

14:16

DAR-C: You gave a Guardian Skeleton the body of a Mark 5 Hunter/Killer because you

14:23

felt sorry for him? KEVIN: Uh-huh.

14:26

DAR-C: Well biologicals, it’s been nice knowing y'all.

14:30

[metal stomping]

14:36

CHOMPERS: I pledge my service to Chef Henry of the Wooha Clan, and offer my ridiculous

14:43

amount of weapons to slice and dice and julienne his enemies.

14:49

[end ominous music] ELIZABETH: What just happened?

14:52

GARETH: Um… I think Henry just gained the most terrifying Sous-chef on Hadronus.

14:58

ELIZABETH: Oh. That’s good.

15:01

ALEX: Captain, you and Engineer Morgana need to take those stairs down to the engine room.

15:07

I’ll show the others where their posts are.

15:10

GARETH: Thank you, um… I’m sorry. I forgot to ask your name.

15:15

ALEX: That’s quite alright, Captain. They call me… Alex.

15:20

TEESH: What does A-L-E-X stand for?

15:23

[superhero fanfare] ALEX: I stand for truth, justice, and the Mascalian way!

15:31

Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I get asked that question a lot by my fellow Automatons. Truth

15:36

is, I just liked the name.

15:39

[scene change music]

15:45

GARETH: I’d be lucky to recognize one part in twenty in this engine room.

15:51

IZZY: Really? It doesn’t look that different from what I’m used to. Techno-magical laws

15:56

are constants, so there wouldn’t be that much variance between their engines and ours.

16:00

The only differences are the DM converters and whatever that pillar

16:05

in the center of the room is. GARETH: You lost me after, ‘Really?’

16:09

IZZY: [blows raspberry] From the indented handprint on this side of

16:14

the pillar, I’m guessing this is where you prove you’re a Mascalian.

16:18

GARETH: OK, but if it opens up a trapdoor that leads to a blood thirsty, venomous duck,

16:24

I’m going to be really disappointed. Don’t give me that look, Izzy.

16:29

You didn't see it in action. Fine, I’ll press the button.

16:34

[steps forward, places hand on pillar, magical tone]

16:39

CENTRAL: Moaghaoar saghoaaumo a'r ho Maor roarlariy rromaraoc, siysorl soamagh aun.

16:47

GARETH: Speak in Trade, please, we have a multi-species crew.

16:51

CENTRAL: Acknowledged, Captain Mintel. IZZY: Time to get this party started!

16:55

[flicking switches, turning cranks]

16:59

IZZY: And finally, to charge the Aetherium tubes, we throw this lever!

17:04

[Lever thrown, pause, lever thrown, pause, lever thrown quickly several times]

17:12

IZZY: I don’t know what’s wrong. I did everything in the right order!

17:17

CENTRAL: Engineer, I suggest you employ a kinetic displacement to the central column

17:21

to align the rune arrays. IZZY: You want me to do what?

17:25

GARETH: He wants you to align the rune array with a kinetic displacement…

17:29

you know, kick it.

17:32

IZZY: Quick question. If it breaks, do I have to pay for it?

17:36

GARETH: Um… no. [Izzy kicks pillar, engine room comes to life]

17:42

IZZY: Good to know some repair techniques stand the test of time.

17:45

[scene change music]

17:50

[minnow propeller] PIRATE 1: Next time, you get to pedal this damned thing, and I’ll hold the rifle.

17:57

PIRATE 2: Quit complaining, and be thankful I talked the captain out of sending us into

18:02

that hells spawned lightning storm like the rest of our mates. All we have to do is drift

18:07

around in our minnow, and watch to see if anything makes it back out.

18:12

PIRATE 1: Yeah… yeah, you’re best. Blessed by the gods with a silver tongue.

18:17

PIRATE 2: Your mum seemed to think so last night.

18:21

PIRATE 1: Well… your mum’s so fat, she could be causing that huge disruption rising

18:26

towards us from the clouds below.

18:28

PIRATE 2: Pedal faster you idiot! That’s an airship, and it ain’t one of ours!

18:33

[lightning strikes as the HMS GD slowly rises out the storm clouds]

18:41

PILOT: Captain of the Glorious Dawn, we are breaking through the clouds now. Also, I must

18:46

reiterate again how delightful it is to have a chair to sit in while performing my duties.

18:50

GARETH: No need, Pilot, these are really nice chairs.

18:53

[Captain Kirk impression] Mine’s… even big enough… to lean…

18:57

to one side, and look… like I’m having deep, tactical thoughts.

19:01

PILOT: Are you feeling well, Captain of the Glorious Dawn. Shall I use the speaking tubes

19:05

and call the short doctor to the bridge? GARETH: No, I'm fine. I’m not sure what came over me. However, I do need to use the

19:14

speaking tube system. GARETH: As soon as I figure out which one is the all-ship tube.

19:19

Ah-ha, found it! [speaking tube] We will be engaging the enemy any minute now.

19:24

Henry, the minnows are yours. Tralnis and Sheldon, you two use the heavy cannon to take

19:29

out the frigates. First Officer Morgana, use the Sun gun to disable the destroyer.

19:35

Unfortunately, we don’t have enough supplies to take prisoners,

19:39

so unless we manage to take their ships without destroying them, no quarter is to be given.

19:45

Let’s hope fate is with us, but even if she isn’t, I have faith in this airship,

19:53

and even more faith in my crew.

19:59

Everyone to battle stations. [ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Keep an eye on Teesh, Chompers,

20:03

she likes to sneak off to places she shouldn’t be.

20:06

CHOMPERS: None will harm her, but I look forward to killing those who try.

20:13

TEESH: Be careful, Mr. Fuzzy Bottom.

20:16

[barefoot running, sliding down ladder, seat belt buckling, switches being flipped]

20:32

[tail gun fires, minnow explodes]

20:35

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Nice, not as nice as nice Mr. Smashy, but it’ll do.

20:41

[tail gun fires]

20:47

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Heh, heh, works just as good on the pirates as their dirigibles.

20:52

[ricochet]

20:54

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Oh no you didn’t! [tail gun fires, ballast bags cut, minnow rockets skywards]

21:01

PIRATE 1 and 2: [receding screams as their minnow shoots upwards] [ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Damn, only got their ballast bags, oh well.

21:07

PIRATE 2: Got to time this jump just right!

21:10

Don't want to end up like my cousin Leeroy.

21:13

[grunt as he jumps, lands on the deck of the HMS GD]

21:16

PIRATE 2: Thank the gods and their wizards, I made it.

21:20

I don’t see any crew other than that Dwarf sitting on a seat attached to that huge cannon,

21:24

and whatever that monster is loading the thing.

21:28

If I take this ship me self, I’ll get first pick of the booty.

21:34

Nothing personal, Dwarf, but it’s time to die.

21:38

Okay, line up the shot, deep breath, and squeeze…

21:45

[rapid tank treads approaches] PIRATE 2: What the hells is that?!

21:49

[rifle shot, ricochet off Kevin]

21:52

KEVIN: You will not hurt Kevin’s friend.

21:54

PIRATE 2: [long scream cuts off as Kevin punches through pirate]

21:58

KEVIN: Ewe! He’s stuck on my arm.

22:01

[Kevin swings arm, body slips off]

22:07

TALNIS: What’s going on over there? I can’t see around you, Sheldon.

22:11

SHELDON: [left eye] Nothing much, just Kevin taking care of some trash on the deck.

22:15

SHELDON: [right eye] Fire when ready, Doc. TRALNIS: I’m not a doctor for the moment. I plan on doing plenty of harm.

22:22

[main gun fires, misses frigate]

22:27

SHELDON: [left eye] Great shot, Doc!

22:29

TRALNIS: Damn it, Sheldon! I’m a doctor, not an artillery gunner!

22:33

NARRATOR: Tralnis felt that odd tingle again in his bones as the stellar magic took hold.

22:40

Aboard the frigate, a pirate holding a cannon ball ready for the next shot suddenly lost

22:45

his grip, and dropped the iron sphere on the foot of an unfortunately dressed pirate wearing

22:50

a red shirt next to him. [cannon ball dropped, bone breaks]

22:53

NARRATOR: The red shirted pirate hopped on one foot in pain, and shifted so he was right

22:59

in front of the cannon as it was fired.

23:01

[cannon fires, wet sploosh] NARRATOR: Similar to other red shirts across the multiverse, he had a split second to look

23:06

down at the gaping hole through his chest before dying.

23:12

TALNIS: I think I got the aiming down now, load another shot.

23:16

SHELDON: [right eye] Eye, eye, Mr. Granitestaff

23:18

TRALNIS: [snicker] SHELDON: [left eye] Hey! How come he laughs when you say it?!

23:22

SHELDON: [right eye] Talent and timing. Now shut up, and keep swiveling,

23:26

we don’t want any targets sneaking up on us.

23:28

[main gun fires, explosion with wood debris landing]

23:37

TRALNIS: Yes! This is almost as much fun as drinking ale. Seriously, I’m starting to

23:44

sport a stalagmite in my trousers.

23:46

SHELDON: [right eye] T-M-I, Doc.

23:49

NARRATOR: Meanwhile on the other end of the HMS Glorious Dawn.

23:54

ELIZABETH: Damn it! I can’t get a clear shot at the destroyer. That stupid frigate

24:00

won’t move out of the way! Fine! If it wants to be that way, I’ll just do something about

24:08

it. Let’s see what the wide beam does.

24:13

[sun gun powers up, wide beam shot]

24:20

PIRATE 3: My eyes!

24:23

PIRATE 4: Look out you fool; you're going to hit the wheel!

24:26

[wheel turns, frigate slews to the side, cannon fire, wood exploding]

24:34

TALNIS: Not bad. Elizabeth managed to get them to shoot their own ship, and it looks

24:40

like the shot went straight through to their engine room. That leaves one last frigate.

24:45

Come on boys, we can’t let her show us up. Load one of the flammable spheres.

24:52

[main gun fires, gas explosion]

25:02

TRALNIS: Take that you pirate bastards! [three cannon blasts, HMS GD rocks as armor takes the hits]

25:07

TRALNIS: Whoa! Our turn now. Sheldon, switch back to the

25:12

explosive spheres. NARRATOR: In the wheelhouse of the pirate destroyer.

25:17

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Damn! That ship’s got some strong armor. No matter, we’ll punch through

25:25

it eventually. Ha! They know it too. They’re turning tail and running away.

25:33

Wait… why are they stopping their turn?

25:38

Oh shit! They’re setting up a broadside! Evasive maneuvers!

25:47

Turn! Turn! They’re aiming that bloody monstrous cannon at our wheelhouse! Turn dammit turn!

25:55

[distant main gun firing, wheelhouse exploding]

26:00

NARRATOR: Back on the bridge of the HMS Glorious Dawn.

26:05

GARETH: Looks like they’re waving several white flags.

26:07

[sigh of relief] [puts down spyglass] GARETH: [speaking tube] All guns standby while we approach the destroyer and the frigates.

26:12

Kevin, Chompers, Izzy, join me on deck.

26:15

We’ll serve as the boarding party to accept their surrender.

26:18

[scene change music]

26:24

GARETH: Chompers, Kevin, you’re providing security while we accept their surrender.

26:29

They are pirates, and I wouldn’t put it past them to try something. Oh, and Chompers,

26:34

no killing until after they try something.

26:38

CHOMPERS: Fine. [walking, heavy mech walking, tank treads]

26:46

GARETH: Who is the ranking officer here? PIRATE 4: Um, you are, sir?

26:50

GARETH: No, I mean who speaks for you as your leader?

26:54

PIRATE 4: Don’t rightly know, sir. Most of the officers were in the wheelhouse when

26:58

you went and blew it up. The only remaining officer is our cook, and no one listens to

27:04

that scaly prick. GARETH: Regardless, he’s still your senior officer. Somebody go get him.

27:09

[scuffle in the crowd, Egite is pushed forward]

27:15

EGITE: Isadora Morgana! This is all your fault! I was supposed to get my pick of your crew

27:22

as slaves if I placed the tracking disc on that worthless piece of garbage you called

27:28

an airship! I’ll kill you for this!

27:32

[running forward, metal clang] [Egite choking]

27:35

KEVIN: Captain Gareth and Engineer Izzy are my friends. I don’t like it when people

27:41

try to hurt my friends. What would you like me to do with him, Captain Gareth?

27:45

GARETH: Same thing you would do with any other trash from the galley, Kevin. Toss it overboard.

27:50

[tank treads, tossing Egite overboard, wilhelm scream, pirates cheer]

28:02

IZZY: Yeah, we had pretty much the same reaction when Egite got kicked off of our ship.

28:06

GARETH: I’m going to give you lot three options. The first is to remain on this ship

28:12

until we tow it into the air space of a country not so fond of pirates. The second is to queue

28:19

up and join Egite. The third option is to quit your pirating ways, and agree to become

28:26

farmers on the island on the other side of this storm. If you choose the latter, you’ll

28:32

have to eat shipped in rations until we can get enough crops grown. On the plus side,

28:37

I will grant you full amnesty, and a house far nicer than what most merchants live in.

28:43

PIRATE 4: I’m pretty sure I speak for all of us when I say that being a farmer sounds

28:47

mighty good, sir. [nervous laugh]

28:50

[scene change music]

28:56

GARETH: Thank you all for meeting me in the briefing room. I want to start out by saying

29:00

thank you, to all of you, for your hard work in the month since we got our ex-pirates settled in.

29:06

Next, after discussing with First Officer Morgana how the old Glorious Dawn was run,

29:11

I learned that issues having major ramifications for both the ship, and crew, were normally

29:16

brought to a vote. I plan on following her example, and put forward something I'd

29:21

like to do. Something that will most likely end up with the Island Republic of Draconia

29:27

putting a price on all our heads. IZZY: [snorts as she stats to snicker]

29:32

ELIZABETH: [chuckle] ELIZABETH, IZZY, SHELDON, PILOT: [full laughter]

29:35

ELIZABETH: [catching her breath] Gods, that was good. I haven’t laughed like

29:39

that in a long time. IZZY: [recovering from laughing] Sorry for laughing, Gareth. It’s just that

29:46

aside from Pilot, the rest of us from the old crew all have bounties on us from

29:51

one place or another. PILOT: Engineer of the Glorious Dawn, that is not an accurate statement. The Sultan of

29:57

Brosh has offered a rather large sum for my capture.

29:59

ELIZABETH: I never knew that. What did you do to anger the Sultan?

30:04

PILOT: First Officer of the Glorious Dawn, a true son of Roehus does not kiss and tell.

30:09

IZZY: Look at you, Pilot.

30:12

Gareth, what I’m trying to say is one more bounty won’t make that much of a difference,

30:19

especially one from the IRD. Nutless already blacklisted us from the shipping guild.

30:25

TRALNIS: Why did Dick Nutless blacklist you anyway?

30:28

ELIZABETH: I refused his repeated offers to go back to his mansion for a quick tumble

30:34

while his wife visited an inn near the University.

30:38

TRALNIS: Huh… small world.

30:40

IZZY: Why do you say that? GARETH: I’ll explain later. Alright, well

30:46

does anyone here have any objections to committing

30:49

what will most definitely be seen as a serious crime?

30:53

IZZY: Gareth, this crew will follow you through an

30:55

extended tour of the 34 layers of hell. We’re in.

30:59

TRALNIS: Here, here. DAR-C: Captain, we’re with you until the Dwarves stop drinking.

31:05

GARETH: Alright, here’s my plan…

31:07

[scene change music]

31:13

[crowd murmuring] DEAN: My fellow Professors, I bid you welcome to the ribbon cutting ceremony of what is

31:21

most assuredly a welcome addition to our fine University. Thanks to the leadership of Professor

31:28

Nutleiss, and the generous gift from his brother, we now have a place to sequester

31:33

ourselves away from the throngs of students who plague our daily lives. Unfortunately,

31:40

Professor Nutleiss was unable to attend, but we welcome his brother, Deek, to the grounds

31:45

of our great University. [mild applause]

31:50

DEAN: After Magnate Nutleiss cuts the ribbon,

31:53

we will let the staff into the building to start scheduling appointments for manicures,

31:58

pedicures, back waxing, and happy ending massages.

32:03

[bigger applause, applause peters out, shocked gasps]

32:07

DEEK NUTLEISS: My gods! What kind of airship is that? I’ve never seen anything like it.

32:12

It’s coming right at us!

32:14

DEAN: Calm yourself, Magnate Nutleiss. If they meant us harm, they wouldn’t be approaching

32:20

so slowly. Look, there’s even someone standing by the railing. I, for one, am looking forward

32:27

to meeting whomever that magnificent airship belongs to.

32:31

DEAN: That man in the black uniform at the railing, he looks familiar. Where do I know

32:39

him from? Wait… Professor Mintel?

32:43

GARETH: Oh, hello, Dean, Nutless, fancy meeting you here.

32:48

DEEK NUTLEISS: What are you doing here, boy!?

32:51

GARETH: Sorry, Dick, I thought your brother would have mentioned it to you. You see, I

32:56

promised to return when I had proof that I had found the Lost Island of Mascal.

33:01

DEEK NUTLEISS: Do you honestly think some silly costume, and a big airship, is enough

33:07

to convince us you actually found an island that has been lost for over 13,000 years?

33:13

GARETH: Not at all, in fact, I suspected that closed minded fools like yourselves would

33:20

need more convincing. Members of the University Arcanum and guests, I would like to introduce you to some friends

33:26

of mine. RENE, DAR-C, Kevin, come over here and say hello to the not so nice humans.

33:33

[steampunk robot walking, tank treads, flying] [gasp from the crowd]

33:40

KEVIN: Hello, not so nice humans. I would ask you to be my friends,

33:45

but you were mean to Captain Gareth.

33:48

DEEK NUTLEISS: How dare you bring such abominations here?!

33:51

DEAN: Shut up, Nutless. This is the discovery of several lifetimes.

33:57

Well, done my boy, well done! I never doubted for a minute you would be up to the task of

34:05

finding Mascal. I hereby grant you tenureship with the University Arcanum effective immediately,

34:12

and welcome you into the fellowship of Senior Professors.

34:16

GARETH: Yeah, about my position at the University… I quit.

34:22

I have a new job as Captain of the HMS Glorious Dawn. A duty I hope to continue to perform

34:28

for a good number of years.

34:31

DEAN: What?! You can’t just quit after making the greatest discovery in the last 13,000

34:37

years! Think about what you can do for the University, my dear boy!

34:43

GARETH: Oh, don’t worry, Dean. I would never think of leaving the University Arcanum without

34:48

some sort of parting gift. Dr. Granitestaff… First Officer Morgana, please give the University

34:54

Arcanum, and Magnate Nutless, the gift of seeing what happens when you annoy the crew

35:01

of the HMS Glorious Dawn.

35:03

ELIZABETH: It will be my pleasure, Captain.

35:06

TALNIS: Oooooh, I’m going to enjoy this.

35:09

[main gun fires, building explosion, tight beam sun gun, objects catching fire]

35:27

ELIZABETH: So much for the Nutless spa. Time to head inside and get as much shielding between

35:32

me and the Profes… Captain, as I can.

35:36

[hurried footsteps, door opens and closes]

35:40

GARETH: Cheer up, Dean. At least the spa will go down in history as being the first ground

35:45

target destroyed by the Royal Mascalian Air Navy in over 13,000 years.

35:50

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Don’t forget your promise, Gareth.

35:53

GARETH: Oh yeah, you’re right, Henry. I did promise, didn’t I. Thank you for reminding me.

35:59

[simian grunt, two swishes, two wet splats]

36:02

GARETH: That’s a good look for you two. Henry, head back inside and join the others.

36:07

I’ll be along in just a moment. [barefoot footsteps receding, door opens and closes]

36:13

GARETH: Before we leave, I would like to say one final word.

36:17

DEEK NUTLEISS: And what word would that be?

36:20

GARETH: Ta’shennish! [magic noise]

36:23

DEEK NUTLEISS: Noooooo!

36:25

[farts and moans, recedes] [door opens and closes]

36:34

[walking]

36:36

PILLOT: Captain of the Glorious Dawn, I have spotted police airships being scrambled

36:40

from the airship port. GARETH: In that case, Pilot, I suggest you get us out of here.

36:44

[power building up, drops off]

36:49

GARETH: [sigh] [picks up speaking tube]

36:51

Izzy, any chance of you getting us some power up here?

36:54

IZZY: Just a second, Sweetie. I’m about to give this thing a ‘kinetic displacement’

36:58

it won’t ever forget. [loud wrench hitting pillar, power building]

37:05

GARETH: Like I said. Get us out of here, Pilot.

37:08

PILOT: At once, Captain of the Glorious Dawn.

37:11

GARETH: Okay people, let’s go see what other trouble we can get into.

37:21

[scene change music]

37:27

NARRATOR: This has been Gareth and the Lost Island.

37:31

Episode 11

37:34

Starring: Peter McGiffen as the Narrator and Henry’s translator

37:39

Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff

37:43

Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel and Kevin

37:47

Debra Mallard as Izzy Morgana and DAR-C 254

37:52

Lauren Kong as Elizabeth Morgana

37:56

Jenna Oliver as Teesh

37:59

Kayce Swan as Pilot

38:03

Daniel Fore as Sheldon’s Left Eyestalk.

38:07

O J V A as Sheldon’s Right Eyestalk and Deek Nutleiss

38:13

A I Brooke as RENE-7

38:16

David Gardiner as Central

38:19

Laurence Sterling Knott as Alex, Chompers, and Egite

38:24

Patrick McCook as the Dean of the University

38:28

Featuring: Alex Vancil, Peter McGiffen, Derek Fein, and O J V A as the Pirates

38:37

No pirates were harmed during the recording of this show.

38:41

At least, that’s what we told them we would say before they signed their

38:46

binding contracts to work without stunt doubles.

38:49

On that note, anyone know where we can find cheap replacement pirates?

38:55

Gareth and the Lost Island was written and directed by Patrick Mallard.