0:00

Welcome to the podcast. Oh, why hello there. Hey, hey, hey. Oh. How's it going?

0:06

Good, and you're a sight for sore eyes. Oh, thank you.

0:10

I've been looking forward to our recording. I know, me too. I've definitely

0:13

been looking forward to it as well. I know. It's kind of like this beautiful little break where we get to talk about the

0:20

science and the art behind relationships.

0:23

Indeed. Not a lot of more fun things out there in my, I mean, I love my life.

0:30

But that like is pretty much one of the cherries on the cake of my week.

0:34

Well, it's always beautiful to chat with you on it. Oh, very nice. Very nice. Oh, the love.

0:41

So how have things been? Things are good. Things are good.

0:45

Like, gosh, you know how you realize that you were like in madness and chaos,

0:50

but in retrospect, like when you're going through a rough patch,

0:54

like it feels really hard. But then it's when you look at it in the rear view mirror, like,

0:58

whoa, that was challenging. So I feel like I'm kind of breaking out of the clouds

1:02

of settling in in my new home here in Greece and starting to find a cadence.

1:09

I yet again rearranged my living room and dining room and now it looks a little

1:13

better. I'm like, oh, OK, maybe this is working a bit more.

1:16

And there's a nice meal on the stove. So cooking is underway. Things are good.

1:21

Very good. Very good. Yeah, things are alright. It always takes a little while,

1:24

I think, when you have a big move like that. Yeah.

1:27

God you don't realize like you say when you're in it you just kind of get on

1:30

with it and then come to the end and you start to come out and things feel a

1:34

bit brighter and lighter and, you then suddenly realize oh yeah that was probably a bit bit stressful bit

1:40

bonkers yeah it's funny like how do we how do we like forget or like uh underestimate

1:46

how hard moves are i know of other people doing this and they're like this is

1:50

so hard and it's like yeah we almost forget how hard it is.

1:54

Oh, it's going to be easy. You think you've got it all under control.

1:58

Oh my gosh. I tell you. You think, yeah.

2:01

IKEA here in Greece is like this particular or peculiarity, I should say,

2:06

that I've kind of come through my own. I think it's like a rite of passage to have some sort of struggle with IKEA.

2:11

Anyways, so I just on a Facebook group of other people who've newly landed up

2:16

are like, does anybody else have this thing about IKEA?

2:19

And And all the comments came by and I was like, ah, it's in my rear view mirror.

2:22

I'm going to forget about it. I didn't even post or comment. I was like, that's it.

2:26

You know, and it's so funny. Yeah. Like, yeah, I feel like there's these badges

2:30

of honor that happen whenever you transition to somewhere new.

2:33

And here it's grappling with setting up your electricity connection and IKEA.

2:39

Well, you've passed those. You've passed the test. Now you can stay.

2:43

Well, it's funny because like it's winter in Greece. There's no beaches to think

2:47

about. It's winter. So I think about IKEA. So, yes, no, things are, things are, yes, looking good.

2:53

So, spice me up with some news from the relationship correspondent's desk.

2:59

I will indeed. I will indeed. So today from the Relationship Love Desk, if you're a female,

3:07

you're going to thank me for this post today. So I came across an article by The Power of Psychology and it says,

3:18

women in relationships who sleep for an hour longer have higher levels of sexual

3:23

desire and are 14% more likely to have sex with their partner the next day.

3:29

Oh my god i feel like every person who is in a partnership with a woman is going

3:36

to be like going out and getting noise noise counseling headphones temperature

3:40

controlled mattress or like sleep numbers or whatever and like setting up every

3:44

and telling everybody to be quiet,

3:47

be quiet everybody this woman's got to have some sleep yeah well well if there's

3:52

ever an advert for or your other half putting the kids to bed.

3:56

I think that's it right there. So yeah, you've got to let your ladies sleep a little bit longer if you want

4:03

them to have a little bit of action the following day.

4:07

It kind of makes sense. It was done, it was actually a study,

4:10

so do like a little study. So it was based on that. It was the Association of Sleep Disturbance and Sexual

4:15

Function in Post-Menopausal Women.

4:19

And it was actually done in 2017.

4:22

Okay. Okay. All right. Kind of makes sense that you, in that phase of your life,

4:27

maybe need a little bit extra sleep. You need that kind of extra rest.

4:32

Okay, but yes, here's where I kind of take a little bit of issue with the title.

4:36

I'm like, oh, hold on, hold on. Why didn't we say postmenopausal women?

4:41

Yeah, it's just a comment on women in general. Like, I shouldn't have to go into the article.

4:46

I'm just kind of having a bit of a time here. You shouldn't have to go into

4:49

the article to understand which population this was referring to.

4:54

So I'm just saying that breastfeeding woman is different than a postmenopausal

4:58

woman is different than like in women at all age stages. Anyways.

5:04

Yes, but yes, totally. Sleep is like one of the most massive things that we

5:10

see as physicians because so women usually like the night sweats, the hot flashes.

5:15

Is but the sleep disturbance and the mood are insane yeah

5:19

and when we treat the menopausal

5:23

symptoms and the sleep improves like women talk about their lives

5:26

going under a total revolution of goodness like the sleep is probably the biggest

5:32

thing so oh my god yes but it is for everybody right like so i mean how many

5:37

times have we been told about sleep and sleep habits and how it really really

5:41

has an impact on stress levels, on your motivation,

5:44

on your energy, on your happiness, on depression levels.

5:48

Like it's one of those kind of big factors that when we're young,

5:52

we feel like we can kind of cheat life at. You get a bit older and you realize actually there's no kind of,

5:57

there's no replacement, there's no substitute for having a decent night's kip.

6:02

So, well, the next day, if you haven't had like a really good night's sleep,

6:05

like you can tell out the next day because you do

6:08

feel more irritable maybe feel a bit more emotional

6:11

than you would do ordinarily it's just

6:15

it's harder i think to kind of function as

6:18

a as a rational human being to do yeah although although i'm still not totally

6:24

i don't think that i don't think the literature has been i don't think that

6:28

we are very clear on the role of sleep and what sleep does to us when we miss it.

6:36

I mean, subjectively, we feel terrible, and then it really gets into our head

6:40

that we're missing sleep, and then we're freaked out, and then we get more anxious,

6:43

and then we can't sleep because we're all awake and wired, and that's why we're

6:46

coming to people like, you know, your family doctor and being like,

6:49

give me some sleeping pills. But so I think that the importance of sleep is overblown a little bit to the

6:55

extent we get too anxious about sleep.

6:58

But at the same time, my man was telling me something about how he had read

7:05

something or was aware of this sort of familial condition, pretty awful one

7:09

where they can't sleep at some age or stage.

7:12

And it sort of runs in families where people will eventually die of sleep deprivation.

7:17

So, I mean, obviously, it's important for something, but I kind of wonder if

7:21

it's a little overhyped, but, you know, absolutely quality of sleep and feeling sexual,

7:28

being able to access the things that aren't just sort of survival makes perfect sense.

7:34

So, yes, a prescription for sleep, for sure.

7:37

I definitely need my sleep and I'm no good without it. Ah, okay. Okay.

7:43

I can go a few times without, so long as I don't catastrophize my mind,

7:47

like, oh my God, I've missed sleep. It's so unhealthy for me. So long as if I miss sleep, especially if I can't

7:54

sleep because I'm anxious or nervous, that I'm like, don't freak out.

7:58

So what if you got two hours of sleep or an hour of sleep? You're going to be

8:01

fine. You're not going to die. But, you know, I agree with what you're saying. After eight hours,

8:05

I feel terrific. Terrific. All right. All right. Splitting hairs. Get that cocoa on, get cosy,

8:12

get yourself in bed early. That's what we're telling girls.

8:15

Oh, you've got it. You've got it. Absolutely. Absolutely.

8:18

All right. I'm going to move us on to a hot, hot topic. Okay, let's go. Okay.

8:25

Hold on, my computer's being weird. I'm going to have some coffee.

8:30

Today's hot topic, is the digital world moving us closer to arranged marriages?

8:37

Oh, I thought that it was going to be like, is the digital world moving us to a post-sex existence?

8:45

In which I'd be like, yes, it is. But no, okay, so arranged marriages, I'm going to say yes.

8:51

But anyways, I'm just, okay, let's get into it.

8:55

We both thought, yes, that's the end of the hot topic. I know.

8:58

Perfect. Let's move on to a question. We had something, though, a little while ago about Tinder were making some changes to their setup.

9:08

Now, I've never used Tinder, so I don't really know a lot about it,

9:10

except what I've read in the media. But they were making some changes where your friends and family could kind of

9:16

come up with some ideal matches for you. So I guess that's kind of

9:21

when we think about it from that perspective in terms of the

9:25

that kind of digital side of life and other people

9:27

getting involved in writing your profile or

9:30

picking matches for you we see a lot in

9:33

television programs now where a lot of these kind of

9:36

reality shows it's all about somebody else being involved in

9:40

your kind of matchmaking and it does really kind of you know beg the question

9:45

then around kind of what does the the future of dating look like what is the

9:49

future of kind of relationships and if we're no longer doing some of those things

9:54

that we would have traditionally done to meet partners then.

9:59

You know and or maybe we can't even kind of trust ourselves to kind of pick

10:03

somebody if we're not if we're always picking the wrong people or drawn to a certain type of person,

10:09

will somebody else be a bit more objective in terms of selecting a partner for

10:13

you would you have more success then i mean they do say arranged marriages are

10:18

more successful don't they people staying together for longer oh yeah yeah totally

10:22

and and if you kind of recoil at the oh arranged arranged marriage. What? No.

10:27

You'll probably realize that there's a lot more sort of quote-unquote arranged

10:33

marriage around you than you might think. I'm coaching a lawyer who is just, again, started getting back on the apps and

10:40

then she's like, oh my god, that's it. Just done. Done with the apps.

10:44

And so she sort of, she had like a colleague help drop a profile and it's actually

10:49

kind of cool because she was like, and they said really nice things about me. It's perfect.

10:53

And then she's sort of they're circulating the post among sort of like an internal

10:58

communication group or like a social media group for other legal professionals.

11:03

They're kind of like, hey, does anybody have a brother or, you know,

11:06

a friend or whatever or another lawyer, you know, who is looking for love?

11:10

And we're doing it all the time. And and why not circulate, you know, profiles? Number one, have your besties make a profile for you.

11:19

And number two, circulate it among people for with whom you have a commonality.

11:25

It actually makes a lot of sense. Mm hmm.

11:29

I think there's a commonality, there's the kind of trust factor as well, isn't there?

11:32

Do you know, I think now when you expose yourself to this digital world,

11:36

there are just a whole bunch of weirdos out there.

11:39

I mean, remember some of the weird stuff that used to land in my inbox and shared

11:42

it on the podcast previously? Yeah. Like, there are people like that and the element of kind of trust and I know

11:50

a lot of it is that you just kind of hear more stories about bad stuff that can happen.

11:54

But there you know does that make us a

11:57

bit more kind of distrustful of people that we meet and then are

12:00

we right from the get-go not really kind of like open because we are still trying

12:05

to suss out this new person whereas if you've got an introduction from somebody

12:09

else is there like an immediate sort of like no trust factor that happens so

12:14

you are automatically kind of more.

12:18

Open and share more and more kind of willing

12:21

to connect with somebody and therefore have a greater

12:23

a chance of success oh yeah no

12:26

totally and it could be also too you said more open and

12:30

maybe less i have coached some folks

12:33

and where i have pointed out or

12:35

observed that there's a lot of resentment or sarcasm

12:39

coming through on first dates and it makes every bit of sense like if you're

12:42

road weary on the apps and like oh my god this date is going to be like all

12:47

the other dates right it can actually you can kind of come across with some

12:51

dick energy right oh yeah right yeah And so if you have kind of an introduction

12:56

where there's a familiarity or a little bit more hope,

12:59

it can tone down your jadedness and you can actually present much more sort

13:05

of authentically yourself and not have that kind of road-weary jadedness that really comes out.

13:12

You think it's subtle, it's not. Like it can really come across where your dating

13:16

partner might be like, man, what's wrong with them?

13:19

Like, you know, well, I could, I'm saying, I'm stating it quite blandly when,

13:24

you know, they might really come across, come out of a date and be like,

13:28

man, that was a really miserable person.

13:30

So dating is hard and it really takes its toll.

13:34

And if we have a little bit more hope, maybe bridged by some familiar connections,

13:39

it can really bring out our best. Yeah.

13:43

Yeah. So, yeah, Tinder,

13:47

I wonder how that is working in terms of the success of profiles being put online

13:52

by people's friends versus the ones that are posted by the individual.

13:58

I wonder if there's a difference in success between those two.

14:02

I think like you say though someone else is writing your

14:05

profile they're going to think about all the things they love about you and

14:08

they're going to share those quite openly as humans

14:11

we're not so great at kind of blowing our own trumpet or saying

14:15

nice things a lot of people would really kind of struggle with

14:18

the profile side of actually kind of what do I

14:20

say I was listening to something the other day where they said

14:23

that people who go on

14:26

to kind of some of the dating apps later on in life so they

14:29

maybe haven't really kind of used you

14:32

know that wouldn't have been a thing in there when they kind of first.

14:35

Got together with their partners but they're maybe coming out

14:38

of sort of 15 20 year relationships and having

14:41

to kind of get back into that that dating world and

14:45

obviously things have kind of changed so much over the

14:47

last 20 30 years and they're they're faced in a different different

14:51

position they're slightly older so kind of

14:54

don't care as much about what people kind of

14:57

think or and they in their profiles come

15:00

across as a lot more authentic and genuine because they are

15:03

kind of putting the things that they would just say to somebody

15:06

in a conversation and that they are having a lot

15:09

more success than some of the younger generations who

15:12

were I guess maybe used to things like

15:15

filters or whether that's kind of photographic or

15:18

kind of slightly being you know economical with the truth shall we say in some

15:25

of the kind of descriptions that you might write or whereas kind of those that

15:30

have come to it later on in life just don't kind of come from it in that same

15:33

position no absolutely oh my gosh that's so funny.

15:38

We feel like we're setting ourselves up for

15:41

success when we are sort of maximally curated But it really like there's just

15:47

there's so many people online who are also maximally curated and it builds up

15:53

a lot of suspicion in the people who are trying to search you out because they're like, oh,

15:59

same filters, same sort of I love travel.

16:03

I love this. I love that. And it's like, oh, my gosh, I've just seen 500 of you today.

16:07

And if you're the real deal, you're holding yourself back if you're not letting your own self peep out.

16:15

It's so curious that people who might be a bit older or who are approaching

16:19

the dating scene on the digital world as a fresh, they're bringing a new thing

16:25

out. That's really cool. Hmm. Yeah, it's, it's, I mean, like,

16:33

I think, you know, back to sort of my, where I thought this hot topic would

16:37

go at first, I thought that it was going to be like, AI is going to make us,

16:42

you know, sort of turning more to just not even connecting at all.

16:46

And i would love to think that we're gonna we're still it's man it's hard out

16:51

there because there's just so many digital distractions there's so much time

16:56

that we're spending alone in our own digital.

16:59

Bubble and so gosh if more arranged

17:02

marriage less confidence though if you were to have

17:06

to kind of go out into the dating world and it's been there for

17:09

a long time then if you spend kind

17:12

of so much much time where you are maybe working

17:15

remotely you don't kind of see your friends as much

17:18

because they've got kind of family commitments and other things

17:21

that they're involved with and so you then just

17:24

aren't interacting with with people on a

17:27

day-to-day basis I would imagine in that

17:30

situation your confidence levels are going to start to

17:32

kind of you know lessen so that

17:35

when you do actually go out on Twitter or have a

17:38

conversation with somebody who isn't somebody that you know and knows you then

17:43

that's going to be a lot harder i think there are some big challenges for people

17:49

and they say you know the research is true then particularly for young men as well oh ah.

17:59

Interesting yeah okay it's yeah there's just things are changing so quickly

18:06

that i we don't have a really good sense of where the trends are moving.

18:13

And this is just essential information that would really help us because like,

18:17

where are we getting our information from? Like some hand waving from like magazines or like online, online blogs or,

18:23

you know, quote unquote experts, but really nobody knows what's going on. We don't have enough,

18:29

information just imagine how things were so crazy different

18:32

just five years ago yeah but

18:35

yet every single one of us want connection like

18:38

everybody that we coach wants to enjoy

18:42

healthy connection and wants to get out of their

18:44

own way to be able to enjoy healthy connection with

18:47

minimal conflict well and you want to be loved

18:50

and and you you want to love somebody else and you want

18:53

to feel like you're loved that's a natural part

18:56

of of being a human being you want to feel like you are connected to others

19:02

around us we're not designed to live on our own and to have such isolated lives

19:07

that are just kind of based on us and our computer screen totally.

19:15

Yeah yeah absolutely so watch this space who knows what the future will bring

19:19

but maybe it will bring more arranged marriages yeah i mean like it just we

19:25

we've you know you do hear about about the successes, the online app successes,

19:31

but there's just so much about being in community.

19:35

You know, they say the community raises the child and the community also like

19:38

brings up the couple, you know, like introductions,

19:42

helping a young couple if they're sort of having problems relating and then

19:46

they, you know, rely on friends and family to be able to give them communication

19:50

advice, good, bad or ugly. So we're just such communal, collaborative

19:55

community all these sees animals yeah

20:00

so yes to arranged marriage would

20:06

you go for an arranged marriage somebody

20:09

said right i've got the let's imagine you're

20:12

not in a relationship somebody goes right

20:15

i've got the perfect match for you i'm gonna set

20:18

you up and i think you should get married like would

20:21

you go for for it yes totally yeah

20:24

yeah totally yeah i mean it just it's

20:27

it in my mind in my sort of well i guess

20:30

it's it's a biased view but yeah i

20:34

would go for it and i probably would bring my hopeful self i would probably

20:37

present a sort of in a lot i would present the the better part of myself the

20:42

part i love about myself because i would be so hopeful and excited to meet this

20:46

person so not Not only would I go for it, but I also would show the better side of myself.

20:51

And that, I think, and I'm like, and that's, when we say, oh,

20:55

it's probably going to be worse. Whatever we believe in, it will, it's more likely to manifest if we believe

21:01

in it, because we bring a different energy to a situation where we have faith

21:04

as opposed to one where we don't have faith. Yeah.

21:06

But then does that say you trust somebody else more than you trust yourself?

21:11

That's a really good question. You know, is it? Well, yes. Actually, yes.

21:17

There is part of like me getting out of my own patterns, like getting out of

21:21

my own rut, which somebody might be able to help me out and be like,

21:23

look, I know this isn't your usual type, but like, how successful has your type been anyways?

21:29

And I'm like, good point. And they're like, okay, well, just trust me, meet this person.

21:34

Maybe they don't have X, Y, or Z feature, but stick with it.

21:38

And then I go in with some faith. I bring my best self.

21:42

I think the other thing, too, is just that familiarity.

21:46

Having that second degree of separation is really important.

21:49

Like, okay, well, they know so-and-so. And I love so-and-so. So if they're a friend of a friend who I love my friend,

21:56

I'll probably love that person, too. So, I mean, you know, it just,

22:00

there's, it's the same as getting a job, right?

22:02

Like I coach so many people, the likelihood of you throwing your resume into

22:08

a resume mill on LinkedIn or Indeed and getting a call back,

22:12

you're really, really unlikely to get a call back.

22:15

The magic is going to come from the very hard job of reaching out to your network

22:20

to say hey i'm open for business anything oh yeah well i just heard that so-and-so

22:26

might be looking for you know that's how we get jobs that's how like human networking is so important yeah,

22:33

ah wow watch this space let's see what happens in the future you've got it.

22:40

All right should we should we do the question yes let's go okay,

22:47

Today's question. My partner and I come from very different financial backgrounds.

22:52

We are due to get married in 18 months, and I think we should have a prenup.

22:57

But my partner says that in the eyes of God, we need to unite as one,

23:01

and that once we are married, we should pool our resources for the good of our family unit.

23:08

I can see their point, but I just don't

23:10

know what to do for the best oh yeah

23:13

gosh i mean this is so finances and the

23:16

way that you look at this is going to be one of the

23:19

big hills that you're either going to fly and

23:22

succeed on or you're going to die on like this is

23:25

one of the big ones yeah yeah it is

23:28

what was i was reading about one of the celebrities the other day and

23:31

he had said that he doesn't have a prenup because he is

23:35

so sure that he's going to stay together with his wife forever and he

23:38

was a celeb before they got married so he had kind of a bit of.

23:41

Cash in the bank but he was so convinced he didn't

23:45

go down the route of a prenup but then on the

23:48

flip side I hear other people who were absolutely

23:51

convinced they were going to stay together did not have

23:54

a prenup and it's landed them in hot water when it's

23:57

come kind of financially yeah so it's it's

24:00

such a difficult topic isn't it because it's kind of like if you

24:02

don't believe in us then you know I

24:05

can see why you'd want to have a prenup because you think it's going

24:08

to end at some stage whereas if you

24:12

kind of believe and you think yeah we are definitely going

24:15

to stay together forever but for whatever reason

24:18

that doesn't work out and you went

24:21

in with you know as this listener saying they're from very

24:24

different financial backgrounds I can only assume that means that you know one

24:29

has more money than the other and has kind of created or amassed some wealth

24:34

then how prepared are you to kind of lose half of that potentially if you if

24:40

you do and you know if the relationship does end in divorce.

24:46

Absolutely it's funny because like when we go when we get into

24:49

a car which we do all the time and actually my man was talking

24:52

about this like it's amazing like cars are a great analogy for

24:55

risk because being in a car

24:58

is is far more risky than a

25:01

lot of other things that we do including flying but

25:05

we do it every day because we see it as an essential means of getting from point

25:10

a to point b but there's actually a fair amount of risk a fair amount of lethality

25:13

and we put our suit our seat belt on as well we should be putting our seat belt

25:19

on and the reason why we do that is is because we don't intend to die,

25:23

but we don't intend to get into a serious accident.

25:25

But if we did, we have a seatbelt on. Want to be as safe as possible, yeah.

25:29

And same with marriage, like we, it's funny, like it's not, well,

25:34

okay, let me just sort of say, okay, whether you have a prenup or not,

25:37

okay, but it's astonishing how many of us get into a relationship where we're

25:42

so phobic of having conversations about money.

25:45

Is that it's like we're getting into a car without putting our belt on.

25:48

Like, oh my God, we're going to be fine. So, okay, whether you have a pre-op or not, at least talk about it.

25:54

And go, you know, it is worth, you know, sitting down and having a few conversations around.

26:00

Okay, so what are you going to have conversations around on a very serious level

26:04

before you get anywhere near marriage? We should talk about finances, sex, having children, taking care of old people.

26:10

Where are you going to live? Where are you going to live? And religion. And maybe some more things.

26:15

So at least talking about it. I have to like always quote my lovely friend who's

26:22

a lawyer who says the most romantic thing you could ever do in your life is to get a prenup.

26:28

Sheila is like, when you're safe, it's sexy.

26:31

Say yeah but i

26:34

think in that profession i can completely understand why

26:37

you'd be saying yes you should definitely get a prenup i think the

26:40

the issue here is you've got two

26:43

different views haven't you so you've got on one side it's

26:46

kind of like no that is not for me and

26:49

on the other side it's kind of like well am i daft if

26:52

i don't have one like what's the right

26:55

thing to do here and it's not so much just about the

26:58

prenup it's also then about like you know talks in

27:00

the the question about pooling your resources and kind of

27:03

becoming as one and in your kind of money journey and

27:06

is is that the right thing to do some would say

27:09

yeah 100 others would be like not in

27:12

a million years so i think having that deeper discussion about

27:15

kind of you know who's going to pay the bills how do we pay the bills is it

27:19

you know some people would say well you earn more than me therefore you should

27:23

pay a higher proportion of the of the bills like is that where does where do

27:29

you land where's your and what are your kind of boundaries with money because.

27:33

If you feel like you've signed up to something that you don't

27:37

fundamentally feel like it sits within your value

27:40

set or how you want to live your life then every

27:43

day there was boundaries across every time you write your

27:46

check transfer some money pay a bill you're going

27:49

to feel it and then that over time

27:52

can build some resentment once you

27:55

add a few other relationship complications that we know are

27:58

going to come your way because that's just life and then all of a sudden you've

28:02

got this relationship then where kind of none of it's really working for you

28:06

and you're not happy with it and the finance side of it can be a big big trigger

28:11

for a lot of people oh totally and And it may seem cut and dry,

28:17

like the higher income person is going to pay bills.

28:21

The higher income person is going to be very surprised that that is the assumption.

28:25

It does not stand to reason all the time that that's going to be the case.

28:31

There's a lot of people who are the higher earner and they're like,

28:33

no, no, no, we're still going to, you know, 50-50.

28:36

Whether that's fair or not, good or bad, I'm not sure. But it is,

28:40

you know, there's a lot of things we leave to assumption, which are terrible assumptions.

28:46

Yeah, totally. yeah yeah so

28:49

i think i mean this is definitely something before you've got 18

28:52

months now till you get married like absolutely be having regular

28:55

conversations about this and if you

28:58

do genuinely love each other you genuinely want to get married you'll find a

29:02

way to to find a solution that you both comfortable with or as comfortable as

29:07

you can be with but definitely be having those conversations and not frequently

29:12

and until you can get to a position where you feel like yep this is,

29:17

still the right partnership right and don't freak

29:20

out if the first conversation is super

29:23

rocky because remember we all hate change we all

29:26

think we're right and so when we

29:29

lay our cards out on the table it can be really terrifying and the insecurely

29:33

adjusted or insecurely attached folks of us putting up my hand will all of a

29:39

sudden like when we when we why do we not raise this because we're scared of

29:43

conflict and we somehow like bury our heads in the sand and think well well,

29:46

maybe if we don't talk about it, conflict won't happen. Wrong.

29:50

When conflict happens, when we raise these big subjects, because we're always

29:54

going to stand at least a little bit on a different position,

29:57

don't freak out. It's not the end of the world.

30:01

Maybe your partner had a very, very strong reaction, like, what?

30:04

Are you kidding? No way. But just give it weeks, give it months.

30:08

Keep approaching it and keep looking. And we all have the potential to soften

30:13

our view and to come a little bit to the midline.

30:16

Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, it is, and you and I are very,

30:20

you know, financially independent. So the whole thought of like, we're all going to blend our finances and everything's

30:26

going to be great. Both Sarah and I are like, meh.

30:28

I'm like, hell no. Hell no. I'm like, what?

30:33

That's not even a hard no, that's a hell no. Oh my God, oh my God.

30:37

Yeah, no, I mean, honestly, yeah. I have to have my own account to sort of retreat back to. Yeah. Yeah.

30:43

Although, you know, we have had kind of surveys and evidence and research that

30:48

suggested you are more likely to have a happier life if you are committed financially

30:54

as well as making commitment to each other.

30:57

I know that to be true. Like I, I mean, I know because I've lived on the side

31:02

of just, you know, like doing like bank transfers to each other all the time,

31:06

being so unblended that, you know, we We were indistinguishable from dinner friends, right?

31:11

So, I mean, no, that's not on reflection. If you're not committed financially,

31:16

just, you know, you're not in it. You're not fully in it, right?

31:19

You have nothing to lose. So, I do feel like I want to get a middle-of-the-road solution,

31:26

but complete codependence financially.

31:30

Just because of myself. No.

31:34

God, no. No, I think you've got to find a solution that works for both of you

31:38

that you can feel reasonably comfortable with.

31:41

Because if you haven't, that is just you're kind of storing up some trouble

31:45

for further down the lane because it's going to come back in and bite you when

31:48

those tough conversations start coming back out again.

31:52

It will always come bite you. Always. Yeah. Yeah.

31:56

Sarah and I are like, oh, yes, personal experience. Oh, yeah.

32:01

Yeah. Just, you know, it's funny too, right?

32:04

When you have that personal experience and you've learned the hard way,

32:07

and then when you get a second shot at it, you're really aware of like, ah, okay.

32:12

So when these decision points come up and you're like, I could either,

32:14

you know, park this under the rug, or I could actually deal with it now rather than later.

32:19

And you experience hard conversations, you're like, oh, this actually does go

32:26

better, even though it's terrifying and it feels really clunky in the moment.

32:31

It goes better than brushing stuff under the rug.

32:35

I think what I would say as well is, like, now is the time to be having this

32:38

conversation whilst you are, you know, massively in love and you're looking

32:42

forward to your wedding and all of those things.

32:44

Because you're going to be much kinder to each other in this conversation now

32:48

than you are if, you know, the worst happens and 15 years down the line you

32:52

start to have that conversation. So true. Now is the right time to have it. So true. Yep, you've got it.

33:01

Oh, man. Man, gosh, that's, I'm just thinking of all the conversations that

33:06

you can have while there's still that glow of the infatuation phase.

33:10

I'm like, oh, just talk about everything, religion, children,

33:13

sex, old people, like everything. Where are we going to live? Totally. Whose job is going to take priority,

33:20

right? Because that is also going to change hands over the course of time.

33:24

Yeah, absolutely. Oh my gosh. Yeah.

33:28

Relationships. yeah so time to be brave have some

33:31

difficult conversations and yeah get your

33:33

little monthly agenda of things that you need to discuss leading

33:36

up to the wedding and it's not just uh color combinations

33:40

and seat and blans oh my gosh and as

33:43

you like to say which we haven't heard in a while i'm going to bring this back

33:46

is get your big girl pants on and have these hard

33:49

conversations yes big girl pants indeed yep oh good times well only a big knickers

33:55

and get on with it oh you big knickers you've got it oh actually big pants sorry

34:01

there was this um i think that across the atlantic we do have a different interpretation

34:06

of the word pants but anyways.

34:10

Just gonna leave that one there we'll leave that

34:13

hanging leave that hanging you know i

34:16

in one of the clients that i saw today you

34:20

know it is still kind of the dead of winter but

34:23

it were the days are getting longer and you know at some point in time spring

34:27

is going to happen and i noticed that everybody's kind of in a hibernation mode

34:31

but you know it's all this little planning and all these kind of things that

34:36

are going to help us to like burst out into spring in a really powerful way

34:40

so it may feel like there's

34:43

Kind of like we're all on hibernation and everything, but just all those seeds

34:47

that we planted in the soil, they're all doing their magic.

34:49

They're all going to be ready to spring forth and not too far away. Indeed. Yeah.

34:56

Yeah. Ah. So. Mm-hmm.

34:59

I think that episode done I think that just about does it yeah absolutely.

35:05

Well I feel like I'm winning at life this week and tell me I did a big food prep yesterday,

35:12

and I have all my food prep sorted for the week ahead

35:15

oh and I'm looking forward to my squirmy tuna fish

35:18

tonight oh are you still using that like

35:21

amazing cooker that cooks everything mix is it

35:23

really like doing everything still yeah so

35:27

when I'm for dinner with somebody on Friday friday and i was telling

35:29

them about my thermomix and he said you are the second person

35:32

in two days to tell me about this oh my god and then

35:36

we're having a conversation i'm going it even cleans itself i said

35:38

you can even peel potatoes in it oh stop stop

35:42

oh my i think i should be on commission i was

35:45

gonna say like we do not i i don't even know what this thing.

35:48

Is and we certainly do not get financial retribution for

35:51

mentioning these things but damn that does sound amazing

35:55

as i was was like peeling the celery and

35:58

so forth and like it's currently took it

36:01

all in chops it all up made some lovely soup at the

36:04

weekend made some cheese scones made bread

36:07

oh my god did a chicken spinach

36:10

lasagna which is ready to go in the oven tomorrow

36:13

night oh yeah i am winning at life you're

36:16

winning at life damn yeah damn and which

36:20

is really cool because winter tends to be the time we're most unhealthy so

36:23

awesome good times yeah i'm

36:26

on a mission to yeah eat well and

36:29

not buy crap at the supermarket it's the

36:33

big goal guys not buying crap and

36:36

i agree like small smart goals right

36:39

like not buying crap not blowing a ton of

36:42

money eating out that sounds pretty awesome just about

36:45

at the end of the christmas chocolates oh my god

36:48

we survive a long time now i have to say oh my

36:52

gosh there is this one lovely a little

36:55

tin of chocolates that i got for christmas and i am

36:58

eating one every three days and doing a really good job

37:01

very good very good i like the discipline.

37:04

Exactly exactly oh my

37:07

gosh rather than having three every day that's my

37:10

usual so like i've cut my consumption

37:13

down by like nine times doing pretty good winning

37:17

at life yeah you got to get the small wins right

37:20

that's all we've got really that's all we've got

37:22

that's the only consistent thing is the small wins exactly yeah

37:26

moments of joy and happiness yeah you've got it oh all right all this talk about

37:32

food's making me hungry so you've got it i am me too we're in the same part

37:37

of the world i'm going to keep cooking and do some dinner prep myself so sounds

37:42

good till next time till next time.